WWW.MY-SUBS.COM ﻿1
You are a magnificent beast.
Good morning, Sierra. How did you sleep?
Dreamed my socks ate my feet again.
"Dreams are the bright creatures of poem and legend,
who sport on Earth in the night season
and melt away in the first beam of the sun."
Dickens. Too obvious.
Oh, freezer.
- Bye, honey. - Bye.
- Wait. - You have toothpaste on your face.
No, no. Okay.
Won't you sell more books if you have the one teenager
- who doesn't obsess over her looks? - I'll pretend I don't hear the insult.
Wait. I have a seminar
and I want to run my new mantra by you, okay?
Finding love. L-O-V-E.
L: Leave your insecurities in the bathroom mirror.
- O: Open yourself up to rejection. - That's beautiful.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
O is for "open yourself up to the risk of rejection."
V, just slit my vein before I die of E, embarrassment.
Okay, it's too bad your parents are over-supportive.
Just this morning, my mom said
that she was gonna adopt her next kid,
so he doesn't have to be such a crushing disappointment.
Oh, my God! Kenny!
Get it together!
I've got to catch that.
Did you fall out of a plane?
Pathetic.
I really don't like her.
You know? Like, she just makes my...
Okay, what's up with America's Most Unwanted?
- Hey! - I had to...
- Come on! - Well just let me... okay.
New car fund.
I'm pimping myself the only way I can.
Why is the new car fund so unsexy?
Oh, my goodness, that is a really nice chassis.
- You know, I don't need this from you. - Okay, I'm sorry.
Dan!
I wonder what life is like for rejects.
Can you pimp me out too? I want a picture like that.
So sad.
Last unit, we analyzed the finest poetry ever written,
at which most of you failed so miserably
you must have been using the pages as rolling paper.
Pages are too thick.
Now, I want you to focus on writing
your own original poetry.
You kids should be happy that I'm giving you some place
to channel all this teen angst.
Most of you just... sweat feelings.
Know that once you perform your poetry in class,
it will count as 10% of your grade.
Maybe yours can be about your trans experience.
Super-topical.
And you can write about your horrible personality.
You can't talk to her like that.
- I'm telling... - The principal? Great.
Then we can discuss your innovative use
of a birth control dispenser
to hide the answers of yesterday's quiz.
What? You thought I just assumed
you were extra-fertile?
Come on, Chrissy.
Okay, let's go, come on.
Come on.
You're always the last one out.
Thank you, but I don't need you to fight my battles for me.
Believe me. Everyone knows that,
I just really enjoy it.
Sierra, your last paper...
really wowed me.
I just know your poetry is going to outshine
all the other poems in the class.
It's in your blood.
Is there may be something else I could do for 10%?
A video or...
You're aware that this is an English class, right?
Is there a problem?
Not one you can solve,
but thank you for asking.
Move it, Frodo. Before you break the mirror.
Quasimodo.
What did you say?
Frodo is from Lord of the Rings.
You're thinking of Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
He's ridiculed for his appearance and represents a stratified class.
Not unlike the structure of our own high school popularity.
I meant looking at you makes me want to gouge my eyes out.
I knew what you meant.
I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
For the next two weeks,
we will be learning about the basics of cell reproduction.
Mitosis.
If you look in your microscopes,
you will see the first stage of cell division,
in which the chromatin
condenses itself into two
rod-shaped structures called chromosomes.
- Thanks for asking. - I have to find a story for my vlog.
If I don't get into any college,
I can sell my vlog to Buzzfeed or Vice.
Or you can bank on your straight As.
What is this, the '90s?
I've got to create Google 2.0
or swim backstroke while playing the violin at the Olympics.
Or create a new species of cat
while volunteering in a third world country at the same time.
So, you want to go to Stanford?
Yes. I almost got a perfect score on my SATs.
Perfect?
You've got a sense of humor.
I am gonna write that down.
Funny.
Have you started a social media movement,
something that inspired social change?
No, ma'am.
I tutor, though.
What are you writing?
So what are you? Other than a legacy student?
- Excuse me? - What's your sell? "Sierra Burgess is..."?
May I be frank with you?
- What were you before? - Sierra.
You're a good student,
but there is nothing special on your resume...
except for a famous father.
Work that angle.
You could co-write a book.
- What? - What?
"Hey."
College guys like Spence don't have time to waste words.
He's totally sexy.
Kinda seems like a serial killer to me.
What?
Stare alert. West Pass boys.
Oh my God, wait, I think he's coming over.
My God, it looks like he's gonna jizz his pants before he gets here.
That would be so sad.
Pretend… don't look.
Hi.
I mean, hey.
I'm Jamey.
I totally just said "hi" like a thousand times.
- Hi. - Hey.
Veronica.
I guess you want my number?
Yeah. Just like that?
Easy.
- You got it? - Yeah, no. Yeah.
555...
0147.
Wait, that's...
Text me sometime.
I will. Bye.
Wait, what just happened?
Oh, my God!
- Whose number was that? - Sierra Burgess'.
- Wait, you're so bad. - I know.
Why did you do that?
He's "flash your boobs in Cancun" hot.
Chrissy, you flashed your tits to our ancient taxi driver in Cancun...
Okay, Juan Diego needed the tip.
He has a family to support.
Guys...
you see his friends?
Only losers hang out with losers.
God.
Who is this?
Is this a test?
Sierra.
Sierra, pay attention.
I met a guy.
Okay, not met-met. We texted.
All night.
By mistake.
He may or may not think that I'm somebody else.
Go!
Fight!
Go, fight, go, fight, win!
Okay, he definitely thinks I'm someone else.
Oh yeah, definitely roll with that.
Never mind that he could be a serial killer, or a rapist,
or a rape serial killer.
Can you focus please?
On an insane plan to text somebody that doesn't even know you?
There's a word for that. Catfishing.
I'm pretty sure it's illegal.
Law is woefully behind technology, so I don't know if that's true.
I got to think of something better to say than,
"Hey, I've been texting you for hours, under false pretenses.
- Want to go out sometime?" - Oh, yeah.
Who wouldn't want to date a dude
that just sends random selfies to girls he that he don't know?
Have you changed your voicemail yet?
Just in case things escalate.
Escalate?
For when texts turn to calls,
calls turn to hand holding,
hand holding turns into teen pregnancy,
- unemployment, lady baldness... - You know what,
I was relying on our generation's total disregard
for basic human interaction.
Are you serious?
It's Sierra. Leave a message.
To keep this greeting, press one. To rerecord, press two.
Hey, it's 555-0147.
To keep this greeting, press one.
To rerecord, press two.
Hi, you've reached 555...
No. Greetings...
You've reached 555...
No.
You've reached 555-014...
I suck at this.
I usually do it...
Next group!
You guys know that girl Veronica?
Do we know a girl called Veronica?
Remember the hottest girl I've seen up close?
- Who you won't stop yapping about. - Do we remember that girl?
Well, we made major progress last night.
Oh, my God.
A textversation?
Are you pregnant yet?
- You're not taking me seriously. - You're not taking this serious.
I was worried she was one of those pretty girls.
Turns out, she's really smart and really funny.
Mate, you only think that 'cause she's a smoking piece and you ain't funny.
- I'm funny. - No, you're not.
That's okay, you don't have to be. You should send a pic with your shirt off.
Did you tell tell her your dirty secrets?
Like you're a loser with Frodos for friends.
- Federal government investment is needed... - Right!
But, AIDS now is airborne,
so we all going to die, so everything that you said
is a moot point. Give it to me.
I made you flash cards.
- Boom! - Yeah!
Let's go.
Okay.
No, it's stupid.
Frick!
Disregard that last message.
This really what guys want?
Yeah.
Well, most guys.
You just figuring that out?
Never really had to think about it before.
No, fireball, ready? Fireball.
No, hold on. Hold on.
What is this?
Look, we're both funny.
I told you.
Will you just play?
I'm texting her...
Sierra?
What?
Okay.
Do not be selfish with the good stuff.
Let me see. We don't have secrets between each other.
- No! Go on. - Just let me see.
Is that your poem for Ms. T's class?
No, okay. No, Dan! Hey, no! Dan, Dan!
- Hey, give me that phone back. - Oh, Jamey. This is good.
- This is good. - Dan! Stop it!
Okay, just give me the phone back.
"I have something to admit."
Maybe he's married?
Don't think so.
Or gay. That could be good.
Hold on.
Alright, stop, stop!
I love you, but stop.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, shit!
Like, Veronica, Veronica?
That's what I have to live up to?
I think that she might have been the reason
that we lost a few of those games.
Dude, that's it. That's it.
You really, you trying to get out?
You trying to get out? What you want, what you want, bro?
Damn, okay.
- Easy fix. - What?
Hey, hey.
Listen, he gotta find out the truth sometime.
Stop it! I'll tell him myself, okay?
You don't need to. That's why you have a best friend like me.
- "Dear white boy..." He does have abs. - Dan! Dan, come on!
Attaching a real photo.
- Dan, Dan, Dan! - What, what? Okay, okay!
Sierra, Sierra, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to push it.
Theoretically, I can still make this work until the big game when East plays West.
When is that?
I don't know, check the band schedule. I think two weeks.
Two weeks?
Okay, well, obviously I can't have him going up to Veronica then.
- You think I'm crazy? - Mm-hmm.
Look, I'm not stupid, okay? I...
I know that he's imagining her when he's talking to me, but...
they're my words.
He's falling for me.
And of all the billions of phone numbers in the world, he texted mine.
Now, doesn't that seem like some type of cosmic sign?
That you're not the cheerleader he's looking for?
It's your turn.
No, no, no. He was fine yesterday.
We went out yesterday and then this morning, he just texted me.
I don't understand.
Even chromosomes can find their mates.
Oh, yeah, metaphase looks like a very hot-ass date. He said I'm not smart enough for his college friends or whatever.
You honestly should be with someone who's more like you.
I don't wanna be with someone who's more like me.
I want to be with Spence.
Ladies! I'd hate for my class
to interrupt your gab session,
but save the theatrics for your lunch break.
She was upset.
I know that face. That's the one that give me creeps.
Don't do it, okay. Step off the ledge.
Excuse me, may I go to the bathroom, please?
It's flu season.
You should really wipe that on your elbow.
What do you want?
I know you've been giving out my number to random guys.
Yeah, so?
I think we can help each other.
If you think I'm gonna host a pity party for a reject like you,
you've added crazy pills to your hormone pills,
when you really need diet pills.
Are you done? Maybe.
Good, because I can help you seem smarter.
To get back that guy.
- How? - I tutor people all the time.
But I do need one minor favor in return.
No, psycho stalker.
You can't be friends with me.
You know how many people beg to do my homework
in exchange for me following them?
Twenty thousand followers.
Following zero.
Yeah, that's really impressive, but I don't want to be your friend,
on social media or otherwise.
Liar.
- Everyone does. - Yeah, not me. Sorry.
I'll see you after school.
Text me your address.
You already have my number.
What?
I'm just gonna get my stuff.
Now, now it kind of... It blows my mind, okay?
I'm tired and it blows my mind.
I see it coming out pretty quickly. The stain is gone.
Pick your jaw off the floor, mouth breather.
My room's upstairs.
And don't put your man hands on the railings.
My mom hates fingerprints.
Because she's a criminal?
What are you doing?
Hurry up, teach me your mind voodoo tricks or whatever.
- There are no tricks. We have to study. - Study?
- Yeah. - What do I need you for?
If I wanted to study I could just open up a book and do it myself.
I'm gonna teach you the right things to study so you can impress Spence.
- He's a college freshman, right? - Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Well, then I am going to teach you the basics.
The stuff he's learning in his 101 classes,
- like Shakespeare and Nietzsche. - Hello? Veronica?
Better not tell anyone about this.
I wasn't planning on it.
Veronica?
Veronica, what are you doing home?
Why aren't you in practice?
Did they cut you from the squad?
No, I had to skip because I had some studying to do.
- That's gonna get your far with the boys. - Mom.
Oh, well, unless you're playing for the other team now.
I'm not a lesbian.
- She just has no taste. - Thank God, because your father would die.
If he didn't already die in that plane crash.
- Okay, so we're... what? - Mom! We're gonna be late!
I know we are! And this isn't helping!
- Do not get on the bed. - Did you smudge her eyeliner?
- Brody! - Yes or no?
- No. - Mom!
You know what?
Brody, stop screaming!
I'm gonna count. One, two...
If you're gonna get messed up, we're not gonna go.
- I'm counting to three. One... - Get off!
...two… My God.
Are the tassels in knots?
Get out. Veronica,
there's no more skipping practice, because you know
what happens when gymnasts stop practicing, right?
One day they're these cute little firecrackers
and the next day they've exploded out of their Lycra.
And it's expensive.
We're leaving.
Girls!
Fine!
- Now you've slammed it? - Yes, I slammed it.
You're grounded! Um...
Let's...
Let's start with Plato.
Hey!
Where you been, Kid Wonder?
Tutoring. A bad student and an even worse person.
"Reeling" and "writhing," of course, to begin with...
and then the different branches of arithmetic:
ambition, distraction, uglification, and derision.
Lewis Carroll. Good.
How goes the latest opus?
Almost all opused.
How's the poem coming for class?
It's good.
- When can I read it? - When it's ready.
Still iambisizing the iambic pentameter.
You know the hardest part of being a writer, still?
The first read.
Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable.
Who makes and illustrates the way it is?
The book whose words and pictures never fade?
Who writes the same edition for every decade,
plagiarizing and disguising the same old story under the cover of change?
Chapter Two,
you better claim a shape or they'll name one for you.
Gay, straight, black, white, are you the type of girl
who's a friend, a fling, or a wife?
Check the boxes that apply and don't think your way outside.
Replace your legs with pegs and dig a hole to spend your remaining days
fitting inside, 'cause that's when you're living it right.
At least three feet deep and taking shallow breaths at best,
because you air isn't your own, and you're heir to your own life.
The gauntlet has been thrown, and the bar's set high.
So for all you little Robbie Frosties,
I hope this will be a challenge.
I've been thinking about what you said,
and I was wondering if you had any suggestions
on how to bolster my resume.
What languages do you speak?
French, Italian, and a little Mandarin.
Mandarin? You know how many people speak Mandarin?
About a billion Chinese.
You're not getting it, Sierra.
Think different.
Bet Dad never gets writer's block.
Okay.
Plato believed that physical beauty was both a form
and a sensory experience.
Stop!
Physical beauty facilitates platonic recollection.
- Reco-what? - Recollection.
Are you sure you don't have any real food in this house?
No. You don't eat junk at your age.
You'll make lifelong fat cells that'll ride your hips
like a cowboy rides a buckin' bronco.
No, stop.
- Mom. - And then what?
Okay...
well, Plato was kind of a jerk,
but in his more optimistic moments,
he revered beauty for revealing the mysteries of the soul.
Your father was a mystery. Until the day he died of his heart attack.
Thought he died in a plane crash.
Is there, like, a For Dummies version of the For Dummies version,
because I'm not understanding this.
Moronica!
- So, Plato... - The butt sex guy?
- Right? - No...
I mean he was from ancient Greece,
but so were Aristotle and Socrates.
Wait, wait, they're not all the same guy?
Moronica!
Oh, you're not kidding?
No, no, I thought we already covered...
- Can you stop doing that, Brody! - Girls, shh.
They're studying, okay?
I'll never get this.
Moronica!
Girls! I'm counting to five. One...
two... now, upstairs.
I can't.
Veronica. It's pointless.
I mean, they're right.
I'm "Moronica."
Look, you're not a moron, okay? You think of some seriously mean crap.
You've gotta have something upstairs to think of those insults.
Yeah.
Nevermind.
So, this...
this Jamey I'm dating...
have you sext him yet?
We can send him a nude if you want.
No.
No, Jamey is not like that.
Everyone is like that.
If you want to start off JV...
- What? - Your phone.
Give me your phone. You should send those.
If you're gonna pretend to be me, be normal,
or you could just die alone.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Yo!
Hey!
Bonsoir!
Bonsoir, Mademoiselle.
Good day, fair maiden.
What soft light through yonder window...
we're still doing old timey stuff, right?
Yeah, totally.
I'm just super-glad that you picked up
because if you hadn't,
then I would have had to, like,
come up with some sort of
hilarious voicemail to impress you,
and that would have been super-terrible for both of us, you know?
No, don't you hate that pressure?
It's kinda… it's kinda interesting. Your voice sounds different
than I remember it.
Oh, yeah.
I have a cold, so it's kinda mannish.
Oh, sorry.
That's sucks, though, 'cause I kinda like it, you know.
Maybe you should just get sick more often
and then I'll be happy.
Oh, okay, because you're what, super into dudes?
Whoa, whoa.
That's just... I mean, we are the superior sex.
Oh, yeah.
No, your voice, it's not loud or anything,
it's like more fuller...
maybe.
You calling my voice fat right now?
- No, no... - Is that what's happening?
Oh, my God! No, no, no.
I would never do that because I was, like, a super-fat baby.
- Why would I... I have no idea why? - You were a fat baby?
Yeah, I was like the Michelin man.
No, don't stop. I like hearing about what's wrong with you.
No, I'm sorry. That was my only flaw.
I would totally tell you more.
That was my one and only flaw,
and you somehow got it out of me, so thank you very much for that.
Actually, no, I lied.
I totally just lied to you. I do have one more,
and it's that I have these glow in the dark stickers
on my ceiling that have been there for the past ten years.
But besides that, I'm perfect, basically.
What about you?
You got any dark secrets I should know about?
None immediately come to mind.
What about, like, secret talents?
- Sandwiches? - I love sandwiches.
What's your favorite movie?
Probably Die Hard.
- Really? - No, that's a complete lie.
Just trying to be manly for you.
- What kinda animal would you be? - I think I'd be a bear,
because they're like, super-cuddly but also really bad-ass,
you know, double-sided like that.
So what's your double side, then?
Are you more than just a hot jock?
Oh, you think I'm hot?
No.
To answer your question, I don't really consider myself a jock.
I mean, yeah, I like football,
but between you and me, I don't even like most of the guys on my team.
I love football'cause every game is like a story.
For a few hours there are villains and there are heroes.
Every pass is a triumph, every tackle is a tragedy.
You're all hurtling downfield at this one epic goal
and every second matters. It's electric, you know.
It's like poetry...
to me, at least
I can't go telling the rest of the team that.
They'd be freaking out.
I'm the quarterback, so I got to keep their respect.
So, what kind of flower would you be?
Cactus. Does cactus count as a flower?
I don't think those qualify as flowers, no.
You'd be a rose.
Like the queen flower all the other flowers are jealous of.
Sorry, I guess it's kinda late.
After four hours on the phone,
I can pick your voice out of a line-up.
Do you wanna FaceTime tomorrow?
I mean, it would be nice to see you, you know.
Would it really, though?
Well, maybe more for me than for you.
No, no, I just...
I mean, yeah, there's no reason why I shouldn't logically,
so yeah. Yes, yeah.
Okay, great. Well, then, logically I can't wait.
- Goodnight, Veronica. - Goodnight.
Oh, crap.
Where are the Sour Patch parents? I have no idea how we're gonna do this.
Oh, 'cause we shouldn't. It's a really bad plan.
- Vietnam sounds like a better plan. - Okay.
Internment camps,
waterboarding, boy bands... Hammer pants would even be better.
Are you really buying your own ticket to homecoming?
Like anyone's asking me?
Well, I'll go with you.
I really don't care who I go with, so it's all good.
Thanks, but I think I'll pass on the pity date.
What, it's not a pity date.
You're wearing a lot less crap on your face.
Thank you.
- Veronica, are you sick? - Yeah.
No, it's a good thing.
- Here. - Thank you.
Bye.
That wasn't weird.
- Where you going? We have free period. - Talk to Coach about trying out for track.
You know the girls' team is like, last in the state, right?
I know. I'm trying out for the boys' team.
Oh, shit.
- Okay. - Okay.
I need something that's gonna stand out on my resume.
You know? I need to be like, Susan B. Anthony,
standing up for women's rights, going against the grain.
Susan B.!
One thing that does differentiate a college resume...
is schizophrenia.
- That's offensive. - Thank you.
- Love you. - Have a nice day, Daniel.
- Say you love me. Say it! - Not today.
- Bye. - I love you.
Unbelievable.
I don't see why she's allowed.
Oh, that?
That's pretty much so we don't get sued.
Ain't that great? God bless America.
Now, beat it.
Coach I wanna try out.
Gotta be frickin' kidding me.
What are you doing here?
Alright, kids. Look alive!
Set!
Look, Sierra, there's resume padding.
There's being a queen of the "throw shit at the wall and see what sticks" club.
Then why are you here?
To save you from yourself,
and because you're my biggest...
competition for college.
So whatever you do, I do.
Move it! Let's go, pick it up!
This was a bad idea.
Yeah, yeah, really sucks.
Are you kidding me?
What is that?
Oh, come on!
You know what, I don't care if I get sued.
Go on, get off my track.
Veronica.
Come on.
You're not getting it.
Why do you smell worse than normal?
You have to let me pluck your brows.
I can't concentrate, staring into eyes of a sasquatch.
Okay, back to Nietzsche.
He's an existentialist,
he believed God was dead,
most of his writing was about free will and moral...
Why don't you watch movies like normal people?
Okay.
Nietzsche is like a sexy German vampire.
He whines a lot, and he thinks everything is pointless.
Well, I am totally for Nietzsche.
Me, too.
- Okay, I think it's time. Yeah. - Time-time?
You sure this is gonna work?
No. I don't know.
Oh, my God!
Answer it! You have to get it!
- He's gonna hang up. - Fine, just chill!
- Yeah. - Come on, hurry up!
Okay, just sit.
Yeah, okay.
I'm gonna answer.
Hey!
What are you doing?
What am I supposed to do?
Hi!
You have to talk to him.
I can't really see you.
Do you wanna adjust the camera a little bit, maybe?
Coming!
Hey. Sorry about that.
Much better. Much, much better.
Are you with someone?
Sorry, no, no.
It's just two of us.
So how was your day?
You know what, I think that the connection is way off.
The audio's not synced to the video at all.
Oh, yeah, sorry my internet's the worst.
Yeah, my WiFi's pretty bad.
Sorry, maybe we should try again another time?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
But we're still on for the phone call tonight, right?
- Definitely. - Okay.
And hey, Veronica...
Yeah?
You are even more beautiful than I remember.
- Yeah, phone later. - Bye.
Oh, my God!
Did you just see that?
He fell for it!
Oh, my God, that was so great.
I can't believe it actually worked.
My heart's pounding, my heart's pounding!
That was so stressful.
"To thine own self be true."
Unless you suck.
- Were you skank eyeing me? - Yes, sorry!
Are you ready?
- Those actually look good on you. - Yeah?
The Lion King is just Hamlet.
Maybe Spence will see it.
To be Sierra Burgess.
"To be or not to be, that is the question."
- I'll have to teach you that one next. - I know.
I don't get A Picture of Dorian Gray.
Why does everyone like him if he does bitchy things?
It's Oscar Wilde's commentary on society.
Basically, since Dorian looks perfect, everybody thinks he is perfect,
and since they all value appearance above everything else,
he kind of ends up losing his own soul.
Lame.
Whoa!
- C'mon, keep singing. What! - No.
- No, Veronica, stop. - You serious right now?
Stop. I can't. We need to have Hamlet.
- Hamlet. - Boo!
Hey!
Hey, there.
It's me.
You working out? You sound out of breath.
Oh, um...
I was just moving furniture.
Oh, nice, a little redecorating.
Nothing wrong with that.
You know, I'm actually glad you called.
I just had a question that I wanted to ask you.
It's totally okay if you say no.
Actually, it probably won't be okay.
You know, to be honest, I think I'll die if you say no.
Would you want to go on a date with me?
Like, a real date?
I have a family thing tomorrow, but...
after, I'm free.
Yeah, yeah.
For sure.
I have something that I need to clear up,
but I'll definitely get back to you.
Okay, yeah. Sure.
Don't die before then, okay?
Okay, I'll try.
Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
I'm in deep shit.
You know when you're online, and you look at all these quotes.
It just makes sense if you just follow your first instinct, always.
- Oh, I mean, yeah. - Maybe that's true, but...
I'm just gonna go pee.
- Again? - Yeah.
Please.
One date.
I'm begging you.
We're going on a date.
A date?
You want to put two really hot people together.
You think that's going to work out for you?
Yeah. She likes Spence, remember.
I still gotta leave by five 'cause I gotta teach old people how to work computers
while you con jocks and stuff.
What?
Is that him?
Is that... that's your pretty boy?
He looks that damn good and he's a good person?
It's unfair, what it is.
- We gotta go. Let's go. - What, go where? No, no, wait.
Wait, go...
Why are we leaving? He don't even know what you look like.
He knows what I sound like, okay?
He could pick my voice out of a line-up.
"Pick my voice out of a line-up"? Oh, wow.
Sierra, get up. Get off the floor.
Are you a catfish, or a can't fish?
I guess we'll find out.
What? No, no, no.
Dan, Dan!
Dan!
Coming in for the run,
I got the interception.
Not that one.
- You good? - I'm good. What's up, man.
How you doing?
- I'm good. - You got room for two more?
Yeah.
- Y'all picking up trash? Cool. - Yeah.
It's actually for community service. It looks good on college applications.
I'm Dan, by the way.
- Jamey. - Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Jamey. That's Jamey.
Jamey.
And you are?
Your name is Shit Pizza?
Ty, come here, come here.
You guys are not going to believe this, but this is my brother, Ty,
and he's deaf too.
What are the odds of that?
It's crazy. I'm gonna make him the first four-foot quarterback.
What are the odds?
That was very nice.
Usually, when I introduce him, people start talking really loud,
- and it's really annoying. - We go through that, too.
This is my sister, Sierra. She's adopted, of course,
but she's deaf also, as we know.
So she can't hear anything that I say
even if I say something like,
"She's a hermaphrodite."
Which she isn't, she's not a hermaphrodite at all.
She's all lady parts.
I only know that because she's been slutting it up lately.
But the important thing is that she's a very caring person.
Yeah, it's really nice to meet you, Sierra?
Ah! It's a joke.
Sorry.
All right, okay. We're going to go.
So great meeting you. You too, Ty.
She has to go to tutor cheerleaders.
Cheerleaders?
- That's not okay. What just happened... - I don't care.
...you have to tell him the truth.
That was the dumbest shit I've seen.
That was just reckless. Why would you be so reckless?
Why are you smiling? So, you call that a success?
We had a moment.
Like, maybe I don't need Veronica.
Well, you need to tell him the truth, though.
Okay, okay, I will.
I promise, I promise.
I'm going to end it tonight.
Okay. All right.
I'm not going to say nothing.
- Show him that sexy face. - Okay.
Sorry, buddy.
Okay.
Hey, sorry.
- I didn't mean to scare you. - No.
Did you order?
Just a popcorn.
Sorry, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah. - Okay?
I can't do it.
What happened to "You owe him the truth, no matter what?"
I'm just not ready.
Just don't kiss him, okay?
Eww.
Hi, cookie.
Alright. Rashi, Toph.
- That's good. - I know, right?
Popcorn? Okay. - I'm okay, thanks.
It's funny, your voice sounds skinny again.
You feeling better?
What?
What do you mean?
Like...
Like on the phone, when I was like, "Oh, your voice was full,"
you're like, "You calling my voice fat?" And I was like, "No."
- No. - You don't remember?
- It was late. - Oh, my God, no!
Sorry.
Ronnie, what are we doing here?
I thought you were trying to get Spence.
- Spence? - Spence?
No one. He's no one.
He's just some guy I dated forever ago.
I kissed a boy called Spence once.
A real wanker, actually.
Probably the same Spence.
Have you ever counted shoulders before?
One, two, three, four.
What, you got a curfew or something?
Why didn't you... Was the movie that bad?
You look so cold right now.
I'm going to get you a jacket, okay.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You like stars?
Yeah.
I'm kind of obsessed with astronomy.
- Nerd. Why? - Nerd?
Well, because...
we look at them from down here
and they look so beautiful and shiny.
They're actually just made up of hydrogen,
which means that they're just massive balls of gas
floating through space and I think it's trippy.
Change of perspective, you know.
I wonder if a star knows that it shuns.
Shines.
- If a star knows that it shines. - Yeah, I never thought of that.
Do you know what you wanna be when you grow up?
It was a stupid question.
Should be a singer.
I should be a singer?
- Oh, no, not you. - Oh, you should be a singer?
- No, no, no, not me! - You should sing for me.
- I can't sing. It was obviously a joke. - Wait, alright, hold on.
You want to be a singer, but you don't know how to sing.
- It was a joke? - It was a joke.
Ah, ha, ha.
I haven't really thought about life after high school,
I've got to be honest.
Until I met Sierra.
I literally just met a Sierra.
- Really? - Yeah.
You'd really like my Sierra.
Not at first. You'd think she was like, a loser, you know.
Well, so are we, right?
Yeah, sure I'm a quarterback
and you're a cheerleader, but...
under all that, you are...
so different.
Oh, my God! - What, are you okay? - Yes.
- What... - Yes, I...
- I got really excited. - So you just jumped?
Yes.
Is that gonna happen every time I try to kiss you, you're gonna jump?
Would you close your eyes?
Because I have really big pores.
- So can you close your eyes? - I have big pores.
- Can you close them? - You want me to close my eyes,
- my eyes are closed. - Yes. And keep them closed.
My eyes are gonna stay closed until you give me other orders.
What are you doing?
Are you, like, abandoning me?
I'm right here.
Sorry.
Well, it was worth the wait.
It's weird, we talked so much on the phone
it actually feels, like, more normal when I can't see you.
Keep them closed! I said keep them closed.
Okay, they are closed.
Veronica, this is ridiculous.
Veronica, I just want to see you.
Well, see me now.
You wanted to see me, now you're not even looking.
- Well, yeah, but I thought I saw some... - What, you saw... what?
You're acting so weird right now.
Am I gonna have to go through that every time I try to kiss you?
If you're crazy, that's just something that I need to know about
- before I take you on a second date. - I'll let you know.
It was incredible.
The kind of kiss you read about in books,
but never believe could happen.
Mm-hmm.
You wanna hang out and go over our debate platform?
Yeah, maybe.
I'm just kind of swamped with college stuff right now.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Why do people do this to themselves?
Because it looks pretty.
And they're almost even.
Your mom's really pretty.
You should see her prom pictures.
The night of, or the morning after?
- No, I do not need to think about that. - Sorry. I'm sorry.
Can I ask you something?
I'm not gonna les out with you and Jamie.
- No, no. - I only do that at parties.
Why does everybody think I'm a lesbian?
No, I...
I wanted to ask, what's up with your mom?
What... What happened to your dad?
He...
he left her for a 22-year-old.
And left us with all this crap and furniture and...
no way to pay for our old house, and...
she's just been weird about this whole fading youth stuff ever since.
I'm sorry.
I should probably get ready.
I'm going to a party.
Do you want to come?
Like, together?
In public?
Yeah.
Sierra.
You are so tense right now.
- Smile. - Calm down.
- It's a party. - I know.
- That's what's so terrifying. - No!
- Hey, how's it going? - Hey!
Hey, Ronnie.
I thought you were sick.
Who's ready to get this bitch started? Let's go!
Sorry about that, ladies, sorry about that.
I need to talk to you... now.
Sure.
Like, alone, outside.
Okay. Sure, let's go.
I'll be right back.
You probably deserved it.
Probably ditched your best friend too.
So what's the real story?
Veronica...
Wow, everybody does speak Mandarin.
- Come on wreck, keg stand, now. Let's go! - What?
You're gonna love it.
You're such a drama queen now.
She's not that bad.
She's...
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
She's actually kinda cool.
Like, a totally unfortunate way.
If you wanna commit social suicide, fine,
but Sierra Burgess is a loser.
Remember?
Only losers hang out with losers.
Mackenzie, wait.
Yo, everyone in here! Everyone in here!
Chug, chug! Chug, chug!
Come on, everybody gather around! Watch this!
Chug, chug! Chug, chug!
Whoo!
You tamed the beast!
My turn.
Come on, let's go. Get me up here.
Chug, chug! Chug, chug!
I told Veronica she's dumb to make her insecure.
I guarantee she puts out tonight.
You're the master.
I bow down to you, sir.
Hi.
I love your poodle.
That's so adorable.
Dick!
Oh, my God! Jesus!
Spence?
What are you doing here?
I saw your post and I had to see you.
My Hamlet video?
What? No, the one about this party.
Do you wanna get out of here?
This place is, like, crawling with dudes.
I can't just ditch my friend.
Come on.
Go where?
Babe, just for a second.
Come on.
We need to talk.
In my car.
Pick up.
Pick up, Veronica.
Plato believed that physical beauty...
could be in the form of, you know, sensory experience and...
I'm enjoying this sensory experience.
What? Wait.
Frick!
Hello? Hello?
Are you there?
I really like you.
I...
I really, really like you.
Because you're so good. You're so good.
You don't lie.
You don't speak Chinese.
- and you don't... - Wait, wait.
Are you drunk right now?
Do you think you could like me?
Like...
really like me, like, not for my...
my stupid looks, or because I'm deaf...
- and because I... - Wait, wait. Wait.
What are you talking about?
I need to tell you something,
and you're gonna hate me.
I...
I doubt that.
I don't think I could ever hate you.
No matter what you tell me.
I think you're gonna.
What, is it really that bad?
Goodnight.
Honey, do you know what kind of kids
go to a party and get drunk?
Kids with low self-esteem.
Sierra, do you have low self-esteem?
Mom.
I thought we taught you R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
- Rein in... - Every Self-doubt,
Peer Expectation and Competitive Thought.
- Yes, Mom. I know, okay? - Okay.
Wait a minute. Before you try to argue your way out of this,
which we all know you can do with exceptional talent,
you're grounded.
- What? - You're grounded.
- Honey, we... - Dad!
- ...talked about this. - No, Jules, you talked about it.
It was some motto that spelled out "free to fly,"
but this is my house too,
where there are actions and consequences,
and this little drunk birdie needs her wings clipped.
It is not appropriate to ground her.
- Why not? - Well, because!
What has gotten into her?
"We hop in the car.
It's a super fast ride."
"We dance on the bar and have a sweet time."
Inspired, Chrissy. You could co-write for Kesha.
And now,
last but not least, our resident progeny of literary greatness,
Sierra Burgess.
Sierra!
I forgot.
What do you mean you forgot?
Are you trying to prove a point?
I forgot.
I'm sorry, there's just...
so much has been going on lately
and it slipped my mind.
Well, you know this is going to cost you.
And you still have to do the assignment.
I passed out, and I have no idea if I told the truth.
By the time Ronnie called me back, she'd already done it.
I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth.
But I thought y'all wasn't going out last night.
You told me you wasn't going out.
- That's why we couldn't hang out. - Okay, well...
Hey, hey. What's wrong?
I just need a hug. I just...
- Ronnie, what happened? Are you okay? - He dumped me.
Spence, he dumped me again.
- Over DM. - God.
- I know. - Ronnie. - Can we talk? - Yeah.
- What the shit? - Not now, Dan. Okay?
I... Let's go.
Some people just suck.
And if he doesn't like you for you, then screw him anyway.
This would never have happened if I dated someone like Jamey.
He's one of the good ones. He's...
he's hot and...
- weird, smart, and... - Do you like him?
No!
Hey.
Hey, so about last night.
Did I say something weird?
Oh, you mean while you were white-girl wasted?
Yeah, I think weird would be an understatement.
What did I tell you?
What do you think...
that you told me?
What do you think I think you think I told you?
What, are you, like, afraid to tell me that you like me or something?
No!
No?
No, I mean, yeah, no. I don't know.
Let's just not say it over the phone, okay?
Not like this.
Okay. Well, then this silence...
is me not telling you that I like you-like you.
Okay?
- And I will see you tonight. - Okay.
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
Veronica!
Hey!
- Hi. - I finally get to show you off.
You wanna meet the team?
They're kinda the enemy, you know.
Go Tigers.
Well, you don't wanna be seen fraternizing with the enemy.
I think this is gonna be a problem.
Why?
Shit! Don't...
- What was that for? - What do you mean? What did I do?
What?
- I gotta go. - Wait, is this about that guy, Spence?
Veronica!
Total of 20,000 followers.
Please tell me you're stupid enough.
Moronica.
Break!
Sierra!
Did you just get dissed by the biggest loser in school?
What?
Hey, can you do me a favor and yell "Jamey"?
I'm supposed to be deaf.
Kenny, don't.
Please, just yell "Jamey" as loud as you can.
- Jamey! - Kenny...
Okay, one more time.
Jamey!
Sierra!
Wow, you have no self-respect.
Come on, one more time!
Ready? Okay.
Whoa.
- Ready? - Break!
Hike!
Go Jamey!
You moron! That's the wrong team.
Shit.
Russ, I think kids are smoking pot by the bathrooms again.
Yeah, yeah. Go check it out.
V got dumped.
How is this happening?
Too easy.
[girl About time someone took her down a peg.
Jamey! You okay?
Jamey!
Call the medic!
Ronnie, Ronnie, where are you going?
Felt so good!
Hey, hey. Alright, alright.
Here, look at me.
- How many fingers am I holding up? - Two.
- Jamey! - Sierra, wait!
- Sierra? - Sierra,
why did you do this to me? - Wait. Veronica.
- Are you cheating on me with Spence? - No!
Jamey, I'm not. And I'm not who you think I am,
and she's not who you think she is.
She's been pretending to be me and I've been her,
and she's been catfishing you this entire time.
No, okay, wait. Please, listen to me.
- You have to let me explain, okay, please. - Wait, your voice.
- Alright, that's enough. - Please, just give me a second.
Let's get outta here.
Just stay the hell away from me.
Both of you.
Why did you do this to me?
You kissed him.
I saw you kiss him.
Well, he thinks I'm you, remember? That was the whole plan.
You whine about your looks,
but you've no idea what it's like to be me.
I told you things I haven't told anyone.
You think I'm mean?
You should check the mirror,
because your looks are the least ugly thing about you.
Sierra, Sierra.
Please tell me that wasn't you.
Come on, you hate Veronica.
Sierra, that was just wrong.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
Sierra, honey, what's wrong?
You know, it's...
it's easy for you to spout your self-esteem BS,
but look at me.
Do you have any idea what it's like to be a teenage girl and to look like this?
Of course not, because you're tiny,
you're tiny and you're beautiful
and you've always been beautiful.
And this is what you stuck me with.
And thus concludes our unit on mitosis.
We now enter telophase,
during which the cell
cleaves apart forever
in two distinct cells.
About the assignment.
I asked for a poem.
You turned in a song.
I know. I just really wanted to do my own thing.
Your own thing was also late.
But it was emotional, raw...
and those are the marks of a true artist.
You are very special.
And I hope when the time comes,
you will allow me to write you a college recommendation.
Thank you.
In the meantime,
whoever you wrote those words for,
you should tell him, or her...
both being equally valid choices.
I will. Dad.
Can we talk?
I'm sorry I suck so bad.
You don't suck.
Okay, a little bit.
That's fair.
Still wanna go to homecoming with me?
Oh, hell no.
But you should definitely save me a dance, though.
If that's not too much to ask.
Alright, pound it.
So, how are you gonna fix this?
Since you're like, the biggest loser in school now or whatever, maybe we can...
Wow!
"Family like this has often a deep sadness in it.
Nature, that great tragic dramatist,
knits us together by bone and muscle
and divides us by the subtler web of our brains."
George Eliot.
Sierra, you are beautiful,
but you are so much more than that.
Look at your fine intellect,
and all that writing talent.
Dad...
it's terrifying growing up under your shadow.
You're a genius.
Mom's gorgeous and successful.
I am...
I don't know what I am.
I'm neither of those things.
How can I top that?
Sierra, just be you.
So far you're pretty good at finding your own way.
How about a hug?
From one sunflower to another.
You can't bring junk in here.
What if Scooter eats it?
That's the point.
You don't talk to me like that.
Your father would roll over in his grave.
Our dad's not dead.
Mom.
I know.
But he should be.
I'm sorry for what happened to you.
Dad's a level ten loser.
And you can't keep living your life like everyone's gonna screw you over.
We need our Mom back.
Hi.
Shouldn't you get going?
Ironically, home is not where you're supposed to spend homecoming.
Yeah, it's the beauty of going stag.
Nobody's waiting on me.
Okay, you done, honey?
- Oh, yeah. Thank you. - Yep.
- Sierra? - Oh, yeah.
- Honey? - You going?
Oh, good.
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
I talked to Veronica.
The real one.
She played me your song.
She also had some...
arguments, in your favor.
I had no idea you taught her the Socratic method.
It's impressive.
Look, Sierra, what you did was terrible.
I mean, bad, like, really bad,
- and... - I know.
And I'm so sorry.
But do you ever feel sometimes the world is conspiring against you?
- To tell you that you're not good enough. - Yeah.
I get why you did it, I do, and...
honestly, had we not met the way that we had,
maybe I wouldn't have noticed you.
I mean, you're not exactly everybody's type
- and... - Okay.
- Thanks. - But...
But...
you're my type.
You are exactly my type. I mean,
you're smart and funny and beautiful and talented.
I haven't been that impressed by a voice
on someone who's not famous ever, like, ever.
For the record,
I think that roses are more like...
the bitchy supermodels of flowers.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Have we done that before?
Come on, let's get you to homecoming.
After you.
Can you give me one second?
I got a date!
Can you give me a sec?
I'll get drinks.
Okay, you two cannot be best friends without me.
Okay.
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