Okay, Eddie, you're on your own.
Oh, come on, son. After four years, can't you favor us a smile on your graduation day?
Hi, Eddie!
Hi, Smiley.
What's the matter, Boss? Couldn't you tear yourself away?
How was the stretch this time, Boss? Tough?
No.
Which is why I didn't crash out like always.
I was sure expecting you to.
Nice car.
It's all yours.
Ours.
Everything we've got.
You're a swell pal, Eddie.
Yeah, I've heard all about it.
You've done a good job while I was gone,
and I ain't forgetting it.
I did big, Eddie.
You're a lot richer than when you went in.
We're a lot richer.
Thanks, Eddie.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. We got a couple of new spots downtown.
Real classy.
I got the guy waiting to show you the books.
I'll take your word for it
like always.
'Cause we got troubles, too.
I'll take care of the troubles.
Like when we were kids.
Me and you against everybody, eh, Smiley?
Sure.
Got my rod?
Wearing it right next to my heart.
Let me have it.
Sure.
I just can't understand it.
I'm walking down the street minding my own business.
I step off the curb. Car comes tearing around the corner against the red light.
The cop should have picked up the driver of that car, not me.
Say, are you a trustee?
Yes.
How long have you been in this stir?
Three hundred odd years.
Gosh, it's hot here.
Gets like this in Florida sometimes.
Florida?
Florida never smelled like this.
Like rotten eggs.
Precisely, young man, rotten eggs.
The unpleasant odor is caused by H₂SO₄,
Hydrogen sulfuric acid.
The most common compound of hydrogen and sulfur.
Am I right?
I poisoned my wife with a sulfur compound.
My young wife,
she was unfaithful.
I was a chemist.
What do you mean...
...was?
Before they hanged me.
Where are the rope marks?
Young man, what is the last thing you remember before they brought you here?
Smiley.
That slimy double-crossing rat
bludgeon me with my own rod.
Where are the bullet holes?
Where?
How do you like that?
He missed.
Sitting right next to me, and he missed.
He didn't miss.
You're dead.
Huh?
We're all dead.
Listen to this marv, will you?
It's true.
Only the soul exists down here.
Jeez.
I always said I'd wind up down here.
Look, I don't care where I am.
I got to get Smiley.
There must be some way across this camp!
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Lay off of me, Screw!
Lay off of me, will you?
I got to get out of here.
I'm getting Smiley!
Lay off me, I tell you!
I got to get Smiley!
Brrrr.
What sort of temperature is that?
It's the labor shortage, Sire.
Especially the boiler room personnel.
There's been a fearful drop.
We're operating at .73% of normal.
You want me to catch my death of cold?
No, Sire.
We're short of condemned souls.
I objectively suggest—
Warden, I have no need of your infantile suggestions.
I'll attend to this matter myself.
My opponent is always with some favored mortal of his testing my prowess.
This time it happens to be one Judge Frederick Parker...
of the New World.
Oh, we'll see who goes down in defeat.
My beloved Sire, your powers are wondrous to behold.
But I have lately been beset by great problems.
My adversary is working overtime.
That superior though he may be,
and though he's set up a thousand Judge Parkers to thwart me,
he must recognize that I am still Master...
of my own sphere.
I did it, Sire.
- (Man yelling)
What in my domain is that?
- You have no right to--
- Help!
Let go of me, you dirty coppers!
I'll get every one of you!
Quiet!
You can't hold me here!
You can't keep me! I'll--
What's the meaning of this? How dare you bring him here!
We had no choice, Warden.
Cast him down into the boiler room
in the 55th circle of darkness.
I apologize for the intrusion, Sire.
Not at all, Warden.
Pour me a drink.
You're not angry?
Angry? On the contrary, I'm very pleased.
In fact, I'm delighted.
To— What was his name?
You mean, the doomed soul that was here? Kagle, Eddie Kagle?
Eddie Kagle.
You drink to him?
A cheap gangster?
Why not?
I love him.
Ever see that face before?
Of course.
It was just here in this room, Eddie Kagle.
Wrong, Warden.
That happens to be a picture of Judge Frederick Parker.
Impossible.
- They look exactly— - Precisely.
They look exactly alike.
And this likeness is just the weapon I need to defeat Mr. Parker.
Eddie Kagle.
How hot do they want it down here?
Never gets hot enough to suit the boss.
You think this is bad? Wait until they stick you in one of them hot clay pits way down below.
You mean, we ain't at bottom now?
There ain't no bottom in this joint.
Back to work! Back!
Back to your work!
I ain't taking this no longer.
I'm crashing out of this college.
Nobody crashes out of here.
Nobody but Eddie Kagle.
He breaks out from every place.
- I'll crash out with you, Eddie.
Who are you?
- A pal.
I don't like pals.
You mean, like Smiley?
How do you know about Smiley?
Grapevine.
I can help you get him.
I got somebody I want to get, too.
- We can help each other.
- Is it a deal?
We got to crash first.
I know how.
Next,
the Screws.
Well, Eddie?
Okay.
Watch your step. One false move and I slug you.
I'll be extremely careful.
Rub that smile off your mouth.
A guy smiled once when he plucked me.
Certainly.
Come on. Now.
Hey,
you don't stern out for something.
- That's the furnace. - It's the only way.
Come on.
How long have you been down here?
Since time immemorial.
The way you talk, you must have had a good education.
The most liberal one.
I only went to third grade.
I went through the whole gamut of learning. I know everything.
Stuck on yourself, huh?
What's your name?
Well, I have a number of aliases. I have a long record under the name of Mephistopheles.
Greek, huh?
Well, there are some who claim I'm more of one nation than another,
but that's not true, Eddie. I am of all nations. I claim no favorites.
You look like a con man. Look, Mephistopheles—
Call me Nick.
You married?
Millions of women have adored me.
Quite a guy with the ladies, huh?
I'm a fascinating fellow.
Look, I ain't playing around with dangerous dynamite.
But delightful dynamite, Eddie.
Live fully while you may, and reckon not the cost.
Deny yourself nothing. Fame and blaze like a torch,
and toss the part about you.
I'll make the most of what we yet may spin...
before we, too, into the dust, descend.
Your talkin' screwy.
Is it alright if I laugh occasionally?
There ain't nothing to laugh about.
I never saw nothing to laugh about my whole life.
There was a time I left school and ran away from home when I caught my folks was always drunken.
What I've been doing is try to be somebody, and I did pretty good.
Worked myself up from where I had nothing to eat and no place to sleep to top guy in my business.
Splendid. You're a man after my own heart.
I wish the world was filled with Eddies.
How long is it going to take us to get up there?
Any moment now.
Alright, down there, send it up.
Phew! Old man Schmalhausen must be baking with rotten eggs.
Smells like the Devil, too, doesn't it?
Wow, them ashes are still hot.
Hey, Janitor. Dash them ashes with water before you send them up.
Hey, I don't feel nothing.
Of course not. You haven't got a body.
I ain't got no body? How am I supposed to get Smiley?
Hey, you muggler, look at what you're doing!
No one can see you or hear you until I find you a body.
Now, come on, Eddie.
How are you gonna find it?
Well,
everyone has his physical counterpart,
his double.
I happen to know where your double is.
You mean a guy which looks like me?
A spitting image.
But suppose he doen't want to give me his body.
He'll be asleep.
He won't have anything to say about it.
What happens when he wakes up?
When he wakes up, he'll be you.
And who will I be?
You'll be him.
Huh?
To everyone else, you'll be him. Our course, to yourself, you'll be yourself.
Oh.
Hey,
give me that again, will you?
Ah, stop worrying about it, Eddie. Leave everything to me.
I'm leaving nothing to you, con man.
I'm sorry, Eddie. It's this cold air. It makes me irritable.
I don't like cold climates.
I don't feel nothing.
And if you ain't got no body neither, how come you feel cold?
I've been down below so long that even my soul has gotten accustomed to the heat.
Hey,
if I ain't got no body, I ain't got no fingers, right?
Right.
No fingers, no fingerprints, right?
Right.
I can get away with murder.
Not exactly.
Without fingers, you cannot squeeze a trigger.
Yeah.
I'd sure wanna squeeze a trigger.
Hey!
What is this, a double cross?
This ain't St. Louie.
Smiley is in St. Louie.
The body we want is here,
and don't you forget, you have a little job to do for me first.
That was our deal.
Okay.
I ain't reneging.
Come on.
Criminal Court Building
Hey!
What's the idea of bringing me here?
I've got to get you the fingers to squeeze that trigger.
How do you figure you're getting into the criminal court?
How did I figure getting you out of that jam down below?
But I did.
Yeah.
That was neat.
This will be even neater.
Trust me.
Okay.
Let's go.
There ain't a seat in the joint.
Let's sit here.
What's the matter with you? There's cops in them seats.
Hmm, they won't mind. They won't even know.
- Your Honor,
- the defendant of this case has failed to establish an alibi.
- The testimony conclusively proves that this man was at the scene of the crime
- and at the exact time it was committed.
- Therefore, I respectfully request the court—
That's a lie! I'm not going to take any more of this!
Get a doctor, quick.
What happened?
He collapsed, Eddie.
No judge ever passed out on me.
- This court is now adjourned.
Come on, Eddie. Let's go.
Hey,
don't give me no orders.
I do all the leading.
Get me?
Yes, Eddie.
Don't you never forget.
I'm boss.
Yes, Eddie.
I shouldn't have been so brusque.
I've given him a sedative. Let him sleep a while. Then, get him home.
He'll be alright.
Sure, Doctor.
Alright, gentlemen.
He smokes.
I told you I knew where your double was.
If this guy had hung around St. Louis, he'd have gotten bumped instead of me.
Too bad he didn't.
Is he the guy you wanna get?
Yeah.
What'd he do to you? Send you up?
I was sent down,
not up.
Hey,
this guy's a judge.
I ain't muscling in on no judge's body.
What difference does it make?
It will serve your purpose
and mine.
Yeah.
What happens when he gets up and
finds I'm him?
When we're through with him, he won't know a thing.
Not a single blip,
solitary thing.
What about you?
Ain't you gonna find yourself a body?
Yeah, I'll get one.
But you first,
you're the important one.
Yeah,
and don't you forget it.
I won't forget it, Eddie.
Hurry up.
Whatcha doing?
Fusion, Eddie.
The power of heat.
I'll fuse you into this man as steel can be fused into steel.
Relax.
Oh, Albert.
Yes, Doctor?
Ms. Foster still here?
Yes, sir, she's making coffee.
Oh my,
may I inquire how the judge is, sir?
Oh, a good night's rest and he'll be alright.
Oh, that's good.
Run down to the druggist, will you, and get this sedative just in case he wakes up.
Yes, Doctor,
it'll be ready for him.
Is he still sleeping?
Yes.
There you are.
Well, thanks.
Nothing serious, I hope, Matt.
Excellent.
No, I don't think so.
However, I've been expecting this for some time.
Why do you say that?
One can only do so much, especially one of Fred's temperament.
When he awakes in the morning, I suggest you pile him into his car, and get him away for a couple weeks.
I'm only the judge's secretary, not his wife.
That ring means everything you soon will be.
I can't possibly go away now.
Why?
Well, with the election only a few days off,
his speech in the auditorium tomorrow.
Now, Barbara. You've always had your own way,
I suppose you will now.
That's not fair, Matt.
Nobody can stop, Fred. Nobody can push him on.
I'm the last one who wants to see him hurt or sick.
You believe that, don't you?
Of course.
I'll bring him to your office first thing in the morning.
No, no.
That wouldn't do, at all.
Not all people are ready to accept psychiatry as a normal branch of medicine.
The general impression is a man who needs a psychiatrist must be crazy.
Ridiculous, of course, but there you are.
Some people are rather reluctant to cast their votes for lunatics.
I hadn't noticed.
It'd be better if I came here.
- Goodbye, Barbara.
Goodbye, Matt.
Uh, Albert?
Yes, Miss Ratliffe?
I'm going home,
and if the judge awakens during the night,
please call me.
Yes, Miss Ratliffe.
Judge.
Police say your appointment is for nine sharp.
Judge!
Your Honor!
I hated to wake you, Sir. You were sleeping so peacefully.
He did it.
I got them.
But what, Sir?
You got one, too.
I hope so, Sir.
I can feel myself.
I'm solid.
Solid, like I used to be.
Are you quite alright, Sir?
Alright? Sure, I'm alright.
Ni--
Nick— Where's Nick?
Hey, hey. Hey! Where are you?
Hey, Nick!
Did Nick sleep here, too?
I'm afraid I don't follow you, Sir.
You better not.
I don't like being followed.
Who are you, anyway?
Uh, really, Sir?
Then tell me or do I slap it out of you.
I know, but your man-servant.
And if you'd pardon me, your bath is ready, Sir.
I don't need no bath.
They cleaned me up good when they let me out.
Where's his duds?
I beg your pardon?
His duds, his rags, clothes?
Whose clothes, Sir?
The judge's! I've got to get dressed and get to St. Louis quick.
What am I, a judge or an undertaker?
And you got nothin' with fancy stripes?
Fancy stripes?
Oh, never mind. I'll wear one of these.
- Alright, you double crosser.
- I'm comin' for ya.
Here you are, Sir.
What are you gonna do?
Help you into them, Sir.
Scram.
- But Sir, I— I— - Scram!
Yes, Sir.
Hello, Ms. Barbara?
This is Albert.
I-I don't wish to alarm you,
but the judge is definitely not himself this morning.
I'm terribly worried for him.
Oh, that'll be splendid.
And do hurry, please.
Thank you.
- Hey, you!
You.
Yes, sir.
Get me a ticket on the next plane to St. Louis.
But, sir, you—
You work here, don't you?
Well really.
- For a good many years. - Well, get it.
But your appointment, Sir!
I got an appointment at St. Louis,
which comes first.
Plane reservations are hard to get,
especially on such short notice.
Okay,
call the airport and get me a special plane, all for myself.
Come ooon.
Hey.
If I need some dough, is there any around?
It's the usual place, Sir.
Don't give me no double talk. Where's the dough?
In the safe, Sir.
I don't see no safe.
If I seem to be baffled—
Will you shut up and do what I tell you?
Where's the strong box.
Behind the picture, Sir.
There's a flock of pictures.
The one with the boat, Sir.
The button, Sir.
Got any sandpaper?
Have you forgotten the combination?
I don't need no combination. This is duck soup.
Oh please, Sir.
Hey,
where's the nearest hard shop?
You can't possibly leave town today, Sir.
Hello, Eddie.
How'd you get here?
I never explain my actions.
Then explain to me, I don't like no surprises.
I have many more surprises in store for you if you try to run out on me again.
I ain't running out on nothin'.
I'm just hoppin' over to St. Louis to take care of that rat.
That rat can wait. Parker comes first.
Ah, being up so high makes me uncomfortable.
I'm much happier down below.
Yeah, huh?
I appall altitudes.
Hey, what's that?
Engine trouble, Sir. We'll have to go back to the fields.
What a strange coincidence.
Wipe that smile off your mug.
I apologize, most completely.
Are you sure he said St. Louis?
Yes, Ms. Barbara.
St. Louis.
St. Louis!
I can't imagine what could take him there!
At a time like this, with a thousand things to do!
You should've done something, Albert.
Phone me, or-or stopped him, or something!
I tried to, Ms. Barbara.
But he gave me a push, and out he went!
Well, that's ridiculous!
The judge is gentility itself. He never pushed anybody.
He never did any of the things he did this morning.
From the first time he awakened, he-- he acted peculiarly.
Go on.
When I went to help him dress, he uh,
he told me to scram!
The judge said "scram"?
That was the very word he used, Ms. Barbara.
Are you certain you weren't having hallucinations, Albert?
I only wish that were true, it's been most disturbing.
I would've called Dr. Higgins, but I didn't have the opportunity.
Well, I'll call him now.
Very good, Ms. Barbara.
Hello, Doctor Higgins, please.
This is Barbara Foster.
Not a word to anybody, Albert.
Oh, heavens no, Ms—
Hello, Matt.
Look I'm at Fred's.
No, he isn't here!
He took a plane for St. Louis.
That's extraordinary.
Well.
Don't be unduly alarmed, it may be only a passing aberration.
We'll see when he gets back.
Let me know the moment he arrives.
And let me warn you, Barbara.
No matter how strange he acts, don't antagonize him.
Humor him, indulge him.
Now we are dealing with someone who's ill,
perhaps very ill.
Now you understand, don't you, Barbara?
The important thing is patience.
I understand, Matt,
goodbye.
Well, Albert...
we must be very patient with him.
We will, Ms. Barbara.
Remember now, not a word to a soul.
Your Honor, did you uh, miss your plane?
Yeah.
Albert, who is it?
The judge is back.
Darling!
Darling, I was so worried about you.
Who's the dame?
Your fiancée.
The girlfriend.
Or rather... the judge's.
- Come on Eddie, make the most of it. She's all yours.
Heeey,
this is okay.
It ain't only a trigger I can squeeze.
My Darling, you've never talked like that before.
Why are you staring at me?
Just sizing you up.
Not bad.
Plenty of curves, and all in the right places.
Come here, Babe.
Please, Darling.
You don't have to be afraid of me.
How about me and you stepping out tonight?
'Been a long time.
Please, Fred.
Fred?
You're Fred.
- Oh that's the judge's handle. - Mm-hmm.
Who are you talking to, Dear?
Nick.
Oh.
Nick.
Beat it.
Scram!
Yes, Sir.
Fred, you never talk to Albert—
No matter what I never, there's gonna be lots of things you ain't never seen the judge do.
Better get used to it.
Yes Dear, I'll-- I'll try.
Oh please, Fred. You're hurting me!
Heeey! Playing hard to get, eh?
What's so funny?
Sorry, Eddie. Sorry.
So, what's your name?
Oh really, Fred?
What's your name?
Now you certainly know my name.
I wouldn't ask if I knowed.
I'll call you a Rosie.
Rosie?!
Yeah,
a little number I used to run around with.
Built just like you.
Come on, come on. Relax...
I ain't such a bad guy.
Now stop it, Fred!
Hey who you yellin' at?
I'm sorry, Dear.
Okay.
You'll be late.
I got lots of time.
Of course, but you're doing the auditorium to deliver your speech.
Come again?
Your speech, Dear. It's getting late.
I do all my speechin' with my rod.
- I want you to make this speech, Eddie.
- I'll be behind you,
whispering in your ear.
- It's all part of the plan.
Hey, I think you're doing a little too much planning.
On second thought, Dear, maybe it'd be best if we postponed it.
What do you mean best? If I gotta make a speech, I'll make it.
It'll smell, but it's okay.
Perhaps you better take a few days rest.
I'll call the campaign committee and explain.
What's the matter, what's the matter?
You think I can't do it?
I know you can, only—
Only nothin'!
I can do anything I put my mind on.
Of course!
Where do we go?
The auditorium.
Come on,
we'll give it to 'em good.
C'mon, Nick.
Just who is Nick?
Just a con man I'm tied in with.
Boy, we ain't been forgotten by Lady Luck like I thought.
Judge Parker collapsed on bench.
Now, ain't that just too bad?
And listen to this editorial.
"Dare we leave the helm of our ship in the hands of a man whose physical condition is in question?"
"Now? In the stormiest period in our state's history?"
Certainly not.
And as patriotic citizens, we gotta do something about this situation.
Yeah.
Now, back in St. Louis—
Never mind St. Louis, Shaggsy.
Whatever you did in your hometown, we'd do it better here.
The point is, we've got to see that the judge stays sick.
We gotta see that this condition maybe even gets worse.
Sure, Boss. That's the idea.
Now, we've the judge hanging on the ropes. Now we gotta deliver the K.O.
Yeah.
All of which is only to protect the people, mind you.
Now, with our boy,
people can go about their business in the pursuit of happiness,
which is coming to them, without worry.
Sure. Without worrying.
That's right.
Now, we're speaking at the auditorium at two.
That'll give you plenty of time.
Put on a good show, Shaggsy.
One more cave in like he had in court yesterday and...
And we'll be dusting off the governor's chair for our boy.
Come on, boys.
Wait a minute.
Hello?
Hello, Sweetheart.
My wife, go ahead.
And remember, I want to hear that the judge has taken a turn for the worst.
We'll bring back his teeth.
Come on.
"A Vote for Parker is a Vote for Yourself Sponsored by the Citizen's Better Government Committee"
- Hey...
- imagine me running for governor.
Oh Darling, you're too modest.
Come on, let's go on the stage.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I want to case the joint first.
Hey... Look at that turnout.
Hey, what are you going backwards for?
Stick close.
You're giving me the words, remember?
Oh there is His Honor now, excuse me.
Hey, where are you?
Please, Darling.
Well, Your Honor, we're all ready to start.
Where is Nick?
They're waiting.
Let 'em wait.
Hey,
where did he go?
There's someone with His Honor?
I'm sure we can find him a seat.
Oh, that'll be fine.
Darling. Darling.
Please, Darling, everyone's waiting.
I need Nick to help me with the words.
You have your speech right here.
Have a seat, Judge. I was getting a little worried about you.
Children... you're all ready.
Now it's time, go ahead.
Your Honor?
Stand up, Dear.
"Your Honor, on behalf of all the boys and girls and members of the club" ...
"and in gratitude for all you have done for them,"
"regardless of who they are" ...
"Regardless of who they are..."
- And where they come from.
"And where they come from, we want to present you with" ...
I lost-ed it.
Look in this pocket.
Whoa! There it is!
Jeez.
"This watch."
Thank the children, Darling.
Thanks kids.
You're welcome, Your Honor.
Alright, children. Moving this way.
Fellow Americans,
as the campaign for governor of this great state goes into its final phase,
it is an honor and a privilege to speak once again
in behalf of the candidate of the Citizens of Better Government Committee,
Judge Frederick Parker.
Judge Parker Youth Movement
The whole country knows of the famous Parker Youth Foundation
created by our candidate 10 years ago.
This one organization has reduced juvenile crime
97% since it was found.
Because Judge Parker is a man who understands
that juvenile delinquency is not a matter of bad boys and good boys
but rather a matter of bad conditions and good conditions,
he is a man revered and loved by his friends,
respected and feared by his enemies.
A man of countless virtues.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
as we have just seen, one of Judge Parker's numerous virtues is his modesty.
What's the idea, letting me down?
I'm not letting you down. Far from it.
What about this?
Throw it away.
Go out there and tell 'em off.
Tell 'em off. What do I say?
Surely I don't have to tell you that.
These people sent you to prison, Eddie.
They're your enemies.
"For thou shall not gang." The Law-and-Order Brigade—
—They hate you.
They've always hated you.
Now is your chance to tell them what you think of them.
- You're not afraid... - I ain't afraid of nothin'.
Then go out there and give it to them.
Call them by their right names—
- Call them every name you can think of. - Yeah.
It is my privilege to introduce the next Governor of this great state,
Judge Frederick Parker.
I'll tell them.
Listen! All of you!
I'm gonna tell ya a few things.
You're--
Hey you!
He's using jiu jitsu.
Stop it, Eddie, stop it. They're your friends.
They are crazy.
See that?
Take it, Eddie. Take it.
It's not you they're after. It's the judge.
Yeah, but I'm getting the punches.
But you're making a hero of the judge.
You want 'em to make mince meat of me?
Idiot.
Beat it, beat it!
On your feet, get out of here, get going.
No I won't need that now, Mr. Kramer, thank you.
Are you hurt very much, Your Honor?
Nah.
Sure you're alright, Dear?
You able to walk?
Sure! Sure.
Gee, judge, Your Honor. You're a champ.
May I kiss you?
The judge don't want girls to kiss him.
You go right ahead, Dear, if you want to.
Come on, Babe.
Hey,
where's Nick?
Oh never mind, Nick now, Dear. Please.
Well he was with—
Albert, get me some antiseptics and bandages quickly.
Yes, Ms. Barbara.
Darling, you were magnificent.
But you know you weren't cut out for that sort of thing.
You know somebody who could've done it better?
No, Dear.
But I'm afraid of the after-effects. I know you're going to be ill.
Hey, I've ain't never been sick in my life.
Fred, you were just—
I'm glad Nick ain't here.
Darling... what's come over you?
What's this? Hey!
Take that junk out of here.
And get me a drink.
The mineral water, Sir?
I said a drink—
bourbon.
Fred, you don't drink.
You just watch me.
And some cigars.
But Fred, you can't smoke or drink. You know that.
Are you kidding?
What are you standing there for?
Get.
Darling, please. You'll only make yourself ill.
Stop worrying, Rosie.
Hey, how about some smooching.
Darling... you have changed.
Want a shot?
I wish you wouldn't, Dear. You've had enough excitement for one day.
I ain't started, yet.
Take a powder.
Take a powder, Sir?
Oh, you mean scram.
Here's luck, Rosie.
Be careful, Dear.
I can do this all day.
That's funny, I've never choked on this before.
What kind of a body did that lug slip me, anyhow?
I better have Albert put you to bed.
Hey, wa—
I ain't sleepy.
You feel good.
I've got to get home, Dear.
Home?
Don't you live here?
You know perfectly well, I don't live here.
The judge must be screwy or something.
You ain't going home, Rosie.
I am going home, and the sooner the better.
Wait a minute, wait, hey—
Darling!
Uh... Oh, Fred, I told you.
That's alright. I'm alright.
You don't have to worry about me.
I'm— I've nothing in my way.
I feel fine.
Ms. Barbara! What happened?
His Honor just passed out.
Taxi?
Yes, Ma'am.
Hey, what's the idea?
Get back in your cab or I'll slug you.
Ahhh, don't get excited.
Come on.
No, Eddie. Let's take this one.
Criminal court, please.
Yes, Ma'am.
I have the the sworn affidavits and depositions for those witnesses in Chicago.
They came in the mail this morning.
What witnesses? What's all this about?
Chicago should be pretty familiar to you. I understand your bosom pal has opened a couple of night spots there.
You mean Smiley?
Who's Smiley dear? I don't see his name in these documents.
When I'm finished with him, the only place you'll find his name will be on a tombstone.
Well what is he to do with the Bentley trial?
I don't know no Bentley. All I know—
It's Bentley trial, dear.
The case you're hearing in court today.
Don't worry, Eddie. I'll be there.
This gives you another go at Parker.
You be sure you don't bungle it this time.
Sure, sure. I know all about trials.
So do you, bub.
Are you talking to the cab driver, dear?
Keep your eye front. You want us to get killed?
Sorry, Your Honor.
Dear, listen to me.
I was talking to Doctor Higgins.
- He said— - Listen, Rosie. I'm handling it my way.
First, comes Bentley,
- then, comes that St. Louis, two faced, double crossing, back stabbing— - Fred!
I'll show you a few tricks on how to get Smiley. Tricks you'd never even dreamed of.
Sure, sure. I go through with the trial in nothing flat.
And then, we shoot out to St. Louis.
What will we do in St. Louis, dear?
Not you, just us.
Not— Not me?
Just us?
Oh, Darling. You frighten me when you talk like this.
It is strictly between me and Smiley.
We're going south together.
On— On a vacation?
To Florida?
Further south.
It's a hundred-times hotter.
Boss, I tell you, them's his honest own words...
...and get this,
he said he was going to rush through with the trial and hop to St. Louis to get Smiley!
That's dangerous talk for a judge and a gubernatorial candidate to make.
You sure you heard right?
You're positive?
Yeah, he called him a double- crossing, back-stabber,
who's running a racket with the judge's dough.
Nice work, Jim.
Boys, we're in.
The honorable judge just put himself right out of the running.
Shaggsy, that hunch of yours was right.
This judge not only looks like Eddie,
he's the biggest two-timing, double-crossing candidate that ever ran for office.
He's even worse than our own man.
You calling the judge?
I'm calling Smiley.
This looks like what they put on a guy when giving a neck tie party.
Now tell me the rap on these Bentleys.
Attempted murder.
Mrs. Bentley and her husband tried to kill her father and collect his insurance.
- One of them things, eh? - Mm-hmm.
They pushed him in front of a subway train.
But they bungled it, the fools.
The old man's alive, but somewhat mangled.
The entire country is shocked by the ugliness of it.
Somehow they fail to see any beauty in it.
What chance they got?
Judge Parker? None.
Or they wouldn't have spent all that money trying to square things before coming up to trial.
Did they try to get to judge Parker?
No, no, no, no.
They wouldn't do that.
They know it's impossible to fix Judge Parker.
But Eddie Kagle, now...
Hey, who's spreading the dough?
A man known as Big Harry.
Oh, what's his last name?
I can't look up no Big Harry.
I want to call him up and have him come here quick before the trial.
No, he's too smart for that.
- Then, what'll I do?
Well, you just dial Spring 74242.
I'll guide you. A little...
...telepathic transmission.
Always showin' off with them big words.
I used to dish out plenty of dough myself when I put in a fix.
Now is my chance to get some of it back.
Twenty five grand ain't enough to fix a rap like what this is.
- Why it's— it's... - Heinous?
It's heinous.
- The whole country is aroused by it.
Yeah, it's aroused the whole country.
- But Your Honor... uh...
As is the case of the People vs Mitchell 186 New York 942.
Like in the case of the People vs Mitchell 186 New York 942.
They got 30 years.
You don't want the Bentleys to do a thirty-year hitch, do you?
No, Your Honor. But...
If you'll only be reasonable. Let me bring the Bentleys in.
Mmm...
So you can have witnesses for the fix, huh?
No, Your Honor. I just— just want you to see them and...
- ...and have them say a word of their own defense— - Wait.
Put the moolah on the desk, first.
Your Honor, this is Mr. and Mrs. Bentley.
They will tell you that this whole affair was merely the result of a tragic misunderstanding.
This fine, upstanding citizen...
...and this frail, innocent, law-abiding, little lady,
who were simply victims of circumstance.
As a result of which, Mrs. Bentley has been under the constant care of her physician.
She's lost weight. She's been unable to—
Rosie.
Rosie Morgan.
It can't be.
You was bumped.
You was bumped!
You didn't wait long to get hooked up with this lug, did you?
- Your Honor— - Shut up.
Easy, Eddie. Don't ruin everything.
You shut up, too.
All them trips to Kansas City to see your poor, old, crippled mother.
And you!
- Your Honor, get hold of yourself.
So, this was your mother, huh?
You little two-timer. Playing around with him all the time.
But I got ya now.
When the trial starts...
I'll throw the book at you. I'll give you the works. I'll sort you and him away for keeps.
(Rosie screams)
- Your Honor, the court is ready sir.
Here's your dough. You can't fix this rap. Not for a million.
Not for all the dough in the country.
- Your Honor, they trying to bribe you? - Ha-ha-ha.
Imagine!
Wait til I tell the story to the Press, Your Honor.
After this, you're a cinch to sit in the governor's chair.
Heeey...
Don't you never say "chair" to me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.
You fool.
You unmitigated, abysmal fool.
If you had a body, I'd tear it apart.
Good thing you can do that trick.
You should see him. He's gotten worse.
He's somebody I don't know anymore.
What is it Matt? What's happened to Fred?
It isn't as simple as diagnosing a case of measles.
No, thank you.
Could be throwback to his formative years.
His young years, his boyhood years when he
lived in the slums.
But what caused it?
Fear probably.
Of what?
Well, he might be afraid of the high office he's running for.
Fear to being elected.
Fear of the responsibilities it might mean.
Fear of loving a woman like you.
A woman like me?
- Yes.
Barbara.
I think Fred's withdrawn from the campaign.
- Are you serious?
Deadly serious.
But you can't be. He's as good as elected right now.
- Yes, I know.
He'll be alright.
He's got to be.
He's got to be governor.
From judge's secretary to governor's wife. Not bad.
Why, Matt!
Barbara.
We've been friends for a long time.
You're the loveliest girl I've ever known.
You're also the most ambitious.
Yes, Matt.
I am.
See, I'm not a psychiatrist.
I don't know much about neurotic conditions.
But I do know that what Fred is doing, he must do.
Psychiatry won't give a lot of poor kids a chance to grow up like decent human beings.
Fred Parker will.
Psychiatry won't wipe out the vicious elements in this world.
But the influence of Governor Parker will.
And this ambitious wench, Barbara Foster, is going to help him do it.
I'm sorry, Barbara.
I guess I was mistaking you.
Forgive me?
I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry that a man like Fred has to pay for all this with his health.
But I...
Well, perhaps it'll work out.
As a matter of fact, his condition may pass as quickly as it came.
But he must be handled with patience and understanding.
It's going to be difficult for you.
Nothing is difficult where Fred is concerned.
If you could possibly get him away for a short while, it would help enormously.
I'll do my best.
Good.
Still friends?
Of course.
Always.
Goodbye, Matt.
Lovely, isn't she?
Go ahead, Eddie. Make the most of it, she's all yours.
Nah.
This dame ain't like Rosie.
Why I sent for you so sudden is this, Smiley.
You've been negotiating to operate in the east the same as St. Louis.
Which is ok with me and the boys, on certain good and reasonable conditions, of course.
I got conditions, too.
Oh sure. We're not going to have any argument about percentages.
There's only one question.
- Shoot.
Eddie Kagle.
What about him?
Well, now that he's out...
free again,
Ain't you heard?
Eddie ain't around anymore.
He ain't?
Yeah, he was bumped off the minute he graduated college.
Oh, what do you know?
That means you're top dog now.
Nobody else.
And you're operating alone? You don't have to ask nobody about nothin'?
You're learning fast.
You wouldn't be holding out any important information on us, would you, Smiley?
Let's ask "for instance."
For instance, like silent partners.
You know, someone way up in political circles that's maybe getting a cut out of everything?
I told you I operate strictly alone.
We heard different.
And we heard it straight, Smiley.
You're hearing it straight from me.
Yours truly, Smiley Williams.
Alright, Smiley. If you say so.
After all, if you ain't exactly telling us the truth,
they'd be complications, with somebody who'd get hurt.
It's always the other guy who gets hurt.
Not me.
Send him to the judge's house. That'll settle both of 'em.
- Just get them together.
Tell you what, Smiley. I just had a thought.
Before you open up, there's a guy you gotta see.
If he gives you the ok, we'll do business.
Is he the juice?
Yeah, the juice.
I'll give you his name and address.
You'd better call on him right away.
If he's not at home,
wait for him.
Judge?
A judge, huh?
Frederick Parker.
Better be getting on over there.
Hah. Is he the juice?
Running for governor, too.
Surprised?
Yeah.
I thought you would be.
Is he tough?
You tell us. We'll be waiting to hear how you come out.
Bye, Smiley.
So long.
My children, my children. You'd be lost without me.
The governor's mansion is alright, but this is where we really live.
Should we go in?
In? Where?
In our house, silly.
Oh.
Sure.
Can't you just see it?
Shining and beautiful.
Remember darling, all the fun we had planning all this?
Location, and the rooms and the garden?
Come on, let's go up those cedar steps.
Careful now.
Now, we're on our porch.
Oh, Darling. We'll spend a lot of time out here.
After dinner, in the evenings, when it's quiet and peaceful.
Let's go inside.
Hey, oh wait.
What's the matter?
You have to open the door.
Oh.
Come in, dear.
Now then.
Hey.
You forgot to close the door.
When we're married, I'm going to insist that you carry me across the threshold.
When...
When we get married, huh?
Well, don't say it so gloomly, dear.
It won't be that bad.
Now.
Over here is your study.
Your private sacred room.
And they'll be pictures of all the great men of law, and literature, and politics.
And over here by the window, will be your law library.
And a big lounging chair for you to plop down and read.
Will I wanna do any reading with you in the house?
Fred.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a lot of nice things I wanna say to you.
Say them to me in there.
That's the most important room in the house.
What is it? The kitchen?
No.
The nursery.
You mean...
you want to live here with me and...
have kids?
Sit on a porch?
Of course, darling.
Look at me.
You mean with me?
The way I am?
With what you see and...
how I talk?
I love you.
You don't see no difference?
No difference that matters.
Imagine that.
I could've had all this.
Been all this.
People calling me 'Your Honor' and smiling at me.
Kids making a fuss over me and...
me not having to hide from someone all the time.
And you.
I could've had you.
But you are all that. You have me.
I ain't.
I got nothing.
I ain't got... even got myself.
Don't say those things. As least not out here.
You promised today would be our day. You promised to forget all about the court and the election, and everything.
Please, darling.
Let's just enjoy ourselves.
I beg pardon, sir, but perhaps you'd prefer to come back tomorrow.
Evidently, His Honor is unavoidably detained.
I'll wait.
Yes sir.
You happy, darling?
Yeah.
I'm scared, too.
Of what?
I don't know.
I've never been scared of nothin' all my life.
Doctor Higgins said you might—
Ah, it nothin' the doctor knows about.
Something I can't figure out myself.
Except maybe... it's because I found something I never had before.
Something... I want to hold on to.
Place like this.
Feeling of quiet inside me.
A new slant on things.
Ya, I'm talking screwy.
No, you're not.
It makes me so happy to hear you talk like that.
Happy?
Fred, I'm beginning to find you again.
Honey, I'm...
I'm all mixed up.
You see, I...
I made a deal.
But how could I've known that I'll meet up with a girl like you?
Rather cut my arm off than hurt you.
I could puzzle it out.
Just for a couple of minutes.
Myself.
It's alright, darling.
That was a very, touching scene.
What are you gum-shoein' around for?
I have some nice news for you.
Remember I promised that if you help me get Judge Parker, I'd help you get Smiley?
Uh-huh.
Well, I happen to keep my word, even though some others don't.
I did everything you asked me.
And bungled everything, too.
Instead of ruining Judge Parker, you made him more popular.
That fight in the auditorium.
Refusing the bribe in the Bentley case. And now this...
fantastic billing and cooing.
A guy can change, can't he?
Oh not you, Eddie.
It's too late for that.
Sorry, the 'halo' isn't your particular dish.
However, what I came to tell you is this.
Smiley is in town.
What's he doing here?
He's come to extend his cafe business.
He's gonna open up in this city.
With your money, Eddie.
The money you went to jail for.
The money he killed you for.
I don't know.
Getting the rat don't seem important no more.
Oh no really, Eddie. You're going soft.
What's more, you're getting yellow.
Don't you never say that to me.
Then prove I'm wrong by carrying out your end of the bargain.
Well I...
I...can't leave Rosie.
I mean...
Barbara.
Smiley in town is not only a threat to you, but to...
Barbara, too.
You mean...
You mean the girl is in danger with Smiley here?
Figure it out yourself.
When he sees you, if you don't get him, he'll get you.
Like he did before.
With a smile on his face.
- You know what that would mean to Judge Parker.
- To his body.
- And where would that leave Barbara?
So you see...
Either way... for her sake...
for sake of any little children she may have.
You got to kill him.
He got a way of putting things which makes sense.
Although inside me I know that...
I shouldn't follow your advice, but it's like you're saying
it would only doin' Barbara a favor.
Protecting... her kids...
Our kids, maybe.
Uh-huh.
Now you're beginning to see straight.
And think clearly.
Should we go?
I gotta tell Barbara first.
Honey, I...
I gotta attend to something. Something very important.
Gotta use your car.
My car?
Well, I guess it's alright, dear. If you want to.
Thanks.
I won't be long.
Look, honey.
I want you to straighten me out on something.
I'll try dear, if I can.
If we was already married,
and living in this house, and
had kids...
and one day a big rat full of poison came out of his hole, and showed his teeth,
and went for the kids' throats,
what would you do?
They'd be nothing to do but destroy it.
You mean kill it, don't you?
Yes.
Thanks.
Thanks for straightening me out.
But wait!
Kill...
What a beautiful day.
I couldn't ask for a more delightful weather.
Take that grin off of your face.
Now please permit me the privilege of expressing my happy frame of mind with a...
few facial wrinkles.
Relieves the tension.
Look out I don't put some wrinkles on you.
It'll stay for keeps.
(police siren)
What's the matter?
I wasn't speeding.
I didn't say you was.
Let me see your driver's license.
Hah, must've left it in my other suit.
In this state, that ain't good.
How about your owner's licence?
Tell him it's your fiance's car.
Tell me you borrowed it to go to a campaign meeting where you're making a speech.
Can't you recognize me?
I'm Judge Parker. I'm running for governor in the next state.
There's a political shindig there tonight and...
I'm making a speech.
This is my fiance's car.
She just let me have it for the emergency.
What's her name?
Barbara Foster.
That's an interesting set of circumstances.
A girl by that name phoned the police and reported her car stolen.
And the description of the car and the license number was identical with the one you're driving.
I'm telling you you're making a mistake.
That's what they all say.
Any how you're going to be explaining it down at the station-house? Follow me.
Follow me.
You know this should convince you, conclusively, that I'm the only friend you have.
First your best pal Smiley double-crosses you, and now this girl.
It ain't so. The cop pulled a boner. The girlie had nothing to do with it.
Wishful thinking, Eddie. She knew you were out to kill,
which meant you wouldn't be governor, and she wanted to be the governor's wife.
You're a liar.
Mankind has been beset by women since Adam and Barbara is true offshot of her grandmother Eve.
You're batty.
Will you at least come to see that I'm the only person you can trust?
No further than I could throw this building.
Stop talking to me, will ya?
You're making a fire burn in my head!
- Now listen– - Stop, I tell you!
Hey, what's with you?
Who are you talking to?
Nobody, I...
just rehearsing my speech.
Yeah, well, come in the other room. That lady is here... the owner of the car.
Barbara!
Barbara, tell this copper who I am.
I beg your pardon?
What's this?
Do you know this man?
I've never seen him before in my life.
Barbara, please.
Don't do this to me.
You have to file a complaint, lady.
- Alright. -Barbara, wait.
Let me talk to you.
Alone, just for a few minutes.
This may mean everything to you.
To... To your future.
Please.
Barbara.
There's certain things I can't tell you.
Because I know you won't believe it.
But you gotta believe this.
For the first time I can remember, I'm trying to do something for somebody else.
Without caring what happens to me.
I was beginning to change, you understand?
I done it.
Don't spoil it now.
Don't let me down.
For your own sake.
For sake of them kids...
which is gonna sleep in that nursery you were telling me about.
Fred, you said something about making a deal.
Alright.
I want you to make a deal with me.
I'll get you out of here...
if you go with me to a minister...
...and marry me.
Right now.
But I can't, I...
Take it up, Eddie.
And you can finish what you started out to do.
Alright.
I'll marry you.
- Hey, Nick. You're going the wrong direction.
I'm going in the right direction.
Never mind, dear.
And He said in another place,
"If anyone offend one of the weak who believe in Me,"
"it better for him—" (knock on door)
Where did I leave off, my given?
"It were better."
For what were better?
"If anyone offends."
"If anyone offends"
"one of the weak who believe in Me,"
"it were better—"
- Well...?
We want to get married.
- Why?
Too many people are getting married, these days, without asking themselves why.
Well, there's an idea.
Make a note of that for sermon.
Yes, dear.
My husband is preparing his sermon.
He'll be right with you.
Won't you sit down?
"And one of the weak who'll believe in Me..."
"What better for him,"
"let a millstone hang about his neck,"
"and he will cast into the sea."
And he said in another place, "If thy hand offend thee, cut it off."
"It is better for thee to enter life maimed, than to go into the cahaina..."
"of an extinguishable fire."
You said it, brother.
His expressions of approval become confine to Amen.
Please.
For it is written that everyone shall be burned with fire
and every bit of salt with salt.
And the Devil speaks to you, my children, heed him not,
for his only desire to lead you below, he's the evil one.
Watch for him.
No matter what name he introduces himself with,
Lucifer, views of our Mephistopheles.
Hey.
I know him.
- Where was I?
- Mephistopheles. - Oh, yes.
Heed not Mephistopheles, my children...
lest you suffer eternal damnation.
When he whispers in your ear,
you turn away your head, and hearken instead to the angel on your shoulder.
What if he ain't got no angel on his shoulder?
You have if you live right, son.
Be good, do good.
- The devil wields no power over a good man.
Sit tight, honey, I'm coming right back.
Where you going?
I'm gonna tell off the devil.
- Good for you, son.
The alter is to your left as you enter the church.
Well, Eddie.
I just came out to tell you something.
There's a smart operator, in there.
what knows all the answers.
- You don't say. - Mm-hmm.
He even knows who you are.
Do you know?
Yeah, Nick.
I know.
I'm afraid I'll have to take you back, Eddie. You know too much.
The dope I got says you can't get the drop on a good man.
That hardly covers you.
My record's clean in this trip.
I ain't done nothing wrong since you brought me back.
Oh Eddie, I only have the kindliest feelings towards you.
And to prove it, I want you to go right back in there, and marry Barbara,
and my blessings on both of you.
We don't want no blessings from you.
I'm through with you.
Beezlebub.
And therefore is not by any to be entered to lightly.
but reverently.
Discreetly. Advisably.
Soberly.
And in the fear of God.
Under this holy estate, these two persons come now to be joined.
If any man can show just cause,
why they may not lawfully be joined together,
let him now speak,
or else hereafter, forever hold his peace.
I require and charge you both—
Wait a minute.
Please, dear.
He brought up something important.
Honey, I gotta speak now, like he says.
I can't marry you.
I'd be doing wrong.
And that's just what the devil is waiting for.
Oh dear, Lord.
Fred, you don't know how hard I've been trying to help you in every way.
But I'm afraid I can't go much further.
You're not only destroying yourself, you're destroying me.
And I just can't stand it any longer.
Please, let's go on with the ceremony.
But honey, I can't.
My eyes have been opened.
Marrying you now would be the worst thing I could do.
Which don't mean that you lost Fred Parker, but like you said this afternoon, you'd be finding him again.
And you'll be proud of it.
Like you always was.
Honey, if I can only make you understand.
I think I do understand, darling.
Come, I'll drive you home.
Please forgive us.
Eddie.
You have a visitor.
You might like to know that in his breast pocket,
he's carrying the very gun with which he snuffed you out.
He's been carrying it around, ever since.
Brings him luck, he says.
You can now repay that long overdue debt with your own gun.
That's what's known as poetic justice.
"Heed not Mephistopheles, my children..."
"lest you suffer eternal damnation."
"When he whispers in your ear,"
"turn away your head."
"and hearken instead,
to the angel on your shoulder.
You're right, Mephistopheles...
or Nick, for short.
But I ain't never plugged no guy what's asleep.
I'll wake him first.
It's so much simpler this way.
I made him drowsy to make it easier for you.
You make everything easy, don't you?
Alright.
Have it your way. Wake him up.
It might be more amusing.
I'll go fix him a drink.
Make it feel like old times.
Smiley.
Smiley!
Oh, who called me?
- I did.
Oh.
Judge Parker.
I'm fixing a couple of drinks.
What's on your mind?
Well, I'm operating in St. Louis and other spots.
Uh huh.
And I'm interested in a couple of joints here, in the East.
Bellamy steered me to you about getting a passport.
Sure, sure.
I understand.
So, as is my nature to come to the point pronto,
what's your cut?
A hundred grand and 25% of the take.
Hold on, Judge.
I may be from St. Louis, but I ain't no hick.
You operating alone?
No partner?
All alone.
I heard there was a Eddie Kagle heading in your outfit.
Ya, but he's dead.
Are you sure?
Well, I ought to know, 'cause I, uh...
- 'Cause you what?
I got the flash as soon as the cops found his body.
I heard he was your pal.
Yeah, we grew up together.
I used to do his thinking, and he do my fight.
So you paid him off by puttin' four slugs in him from his own rod.
What kind of talk is that?
You have to blackmail?
This is Smiley Williams you're talking to.
Who should know...
better than me?
You.
You—
Why are you so nervous?
You look like you've seen a ghost.
Stop it Eddie, get on with it.
Shut up, Mephistopheles.
My name is Smiley Williams.
Pleased to meet you.
They call me Judge Parker.
- But maybe I ain't Judge Parker.
Maybe I'm somebody else.
Somebody you know.
No.
- No! You can't be him.
Him?
Who's him?
Eddie! Eddie Kagle!
Oh, you can't be. This whole thing, it-it's screwy.
Maybe it ain't screwy.
Why don't you start figuring it out?
If I ain't Judge Parker, I must be somebody else.
Maybe I'm that pal of yours, Eddie. Eddie Kagle, the one you chopped down with his own rod.
Figure it when you're afraid of every shadow, every footstep, every sound,
every dark alley you pass,
every car that whizzes by.
Hole up in your hideout and go slowly nuts.
And trying to figure, is Eddie Kagle dead...
or is he alive?
And then when you can't take it no more,
go blow your brains out.
There it is... your own gun.
Return the compliment, Eddie.
Stop whispering in my ear, devil.
Lay off of me, will you, Judge?
I'll do anything you say.
Eddie!
Give me a chance!
- Ahhhh...
You didn't shoot him.
We had a bargain.
He was took care of a better way.
And I never even touched him.
Now you go back to your hole in the ground.
You're in my way.
I cannot go back without you.
Well, now, ain't that too bad.
Listen, Eddie.
No soul has ever escaped my domain before.
I've got to get you back or I'll be jeered at and derided.
Why the upheaval would be cataclysmic in its proportions.
What a laugh.
Looks like you got yourself behind the eight ball.
Come on, Eddie. Please.
Have a heart.
You'll have to take it up with the Boss.
I'm getting my orders from Him...
from now on.
Must I run afoul of you again?
Am I doomed forever to be vanquished?
What has this sub-human creature, incubated in the recesses of foulness,
done to become your favorite?
It was with evil intent that he ventured forth.
He volunteered to do my bidding.
Must I be humiliated by this maggot?
I demand my rights.
You're missing the point, chum.
There's an hombre called Judge Parker.
And a sweet girl named Barbara what's been playing good ball with a lot of kids,
which might otherwise join up with your team.
And me, Eddie Kagle, is staying around to see that you don't mess things up.
So long as you remain in the judge's body, neither you nor he can do anything.
What's more, you're making Barbara very unhappy.
The longer you remain on earth,
the longer she cannot be joined with her rightful mate.
It was you who got me in.
You were evil, then. I had power over you.
I get it.
If I don't myself help you take me out of Parker's body...
Barbara and the Judge don't get together like they should.
Alright I'll make you a deal.
If you lay off the Judge and Barbara for life,
I'll go back with you.
I accept. I have to.
You ready?
Wait, I...
I want to say goodbye to Barbara first.
I cannot wait.
You'll wait and like it.
Hello?
Barbara?
I gotta see you right away.
Hop in your car and come right over.
Yeah.
Thanks, honey.
You sure are somethin' for the eyes in that outfit, honey.
Thank you, darling.
I want to look my best.
You said we'd go to dinner and a show.
Um...
I'm afraid, that's off.
'Cause...
'Cause I— I'm going away.
I ain't never coming back.
Dearest, what do you mean?
Why would you be going away?
Well, I can't tell ya 'cause...
I'm afraid you won't understand, baby.
I only understand that wherever you go, I wanna go with you.
Nix.
You don't belong where I'm going.
Oh no, Darling.
Eddie?
I got everything set for you, honey. So you won't have no more trouble.
When I'm gone,
the Judge can straighten everything out and...
you and him get married.
And go live in that swell house.
And have kids.
- Eddie.
I have to be going now, honey.
Please, please don't. Please don't.
Darling,
I feel kinda funny.
Kinda dizzy.
Darling, go and lie down for a minute.
Yeah, yeah. I'll lie down.
I just want to tell you—
- Eddie.
Bye, honey.
Doctor Higgins, please.
Do you know where he is?
Please try to reach him and tell him to come to Judge Parker's apartment immediately.
It's very urgent.
Thank you.
- Barbara.
- Barbara!
[Judge] There's tears in your eyes.
[Judge] What's the matter?
[Barbara] It's nothing.
[Barbara] It's nothing. Everything's fine now.
Well...
So long.
Funny.
I never thought people's faces looked so good.
There's lots of other things I never noticed before.
If I'd only known the first trip around what I know now.
When I get you down below, I'm going to take special pains with you.
I'm going to introduce you to agonies undreamed of.
I don't think you'll be so tough.
- No? -Nah.
'Cause you know why?
'Cause you made a sap of yourself.
You don't want your boys to know that.
No big shot wants to look like a sucker before his own mob.
Now if I was made a trustee—
This is sheer, unblushing blackmail.
You oughta know, brother.
You oughta know.