DUNLOD MUVEE: MY-SUBS.MX
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WOMAN: Oh, Sid.
(MOANING)
Oh, Sid!
(GIGGLING)
(WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY)
(CAT MEOWING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS WITH PLEASURE)
-I don't feel like going to work this morning. -Can't you take the day off?
No. I get bored sitting around all day doing nothing.
You wouldn't get bored with me around, Sidney.
I'll put the kettle on.
(SID YAWNS)
Some plumber.
-You know a lot of people, don't you? -Eh?
-All those people writing to you. -They're bills, darling, bills.
Oh, bills.
"And after repeated applications having been ignored,
"we shall be forced to recIaim the property within the next 10 days."
Ah, well. There goes the record player.
Oh, I didn't know you had a player. Let's put a record on.
I told you, I'm late.
Look, for Christ's sake, make yourself useful. The kettle's boiling.
Sid, it's lovely and warm in here.
I'll tell you what, I'll have a little nap.
When you've gone to work, I'll get up and make you my speciality.
I've already had your speciality. Get your arse out of that bed.
You don't mince your words, do you?
-You made that tea yet? -I'm already drinking mine.
Oh, you're not back in bed again.
Well, you were leaping up and down on me all night. I'm utterly exhausted.
Well, I didn't hear you complaining.
Come on, girI. I'll give you a lift. I want to get out of here before...
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Bloody hell, here he is. Adolf. Come on, come on.
It's Monday.
I forgot all about the rent. I'm terribly sorry. I haven't got it, I'm afraid.
You can't go on being terribly sorry, Mr South.
It's five weeks now.
I'm afraid this matter will shortly be in the implacable hands of our computer.
Not the computer!
-What will it do to me? -Send you an eviction notice.
-Now you wouldn't like that, would you? -No, I wouldn't like that, would I?
Well, you'd better get your finger out, hadn't you? Good day.
Here, Adolf. You forgot your machine gun.
NEIGHBOUR: Oh, Mr South, here's your gas bill. Oh, and while I'm about it,
do you mind making a little less noise of a morning?
It's not that I'm narrow-minded, but enough's enough.
Ain't you ready yet? What you hanging about for?
-Have you seen what's happened to my... -Come on.
I've seen some dizzy birds in my time, but you take the bleeding biscuit.
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All right, I'll see you later then, darling. Ta-da.
-What's that supposed to mean? -What it says.
So that's all it meant? Well, thank you very much.
I've got your phone number. I'll call you, all right?
Yeah. I'll bet.
Once you get what you want, you can't wait to pull the next one, can you?
What's that got to do with love, that's what I'd like to know.
Hark at her! Who said anything about love?
You did! Last night. You don't even remember, do you?
-It so happens I've got feelings. -Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
When I get home tonight, I'll call you, all right?
Don't bother. I never want to see you or it again.
Shh!
Don't you shush me! I want the whole world to know what you're like.
Look, everybody, the original Mr Big.
Except where it counts, you male chauvinist pig.
Knickers.
(SCREAMING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
BA Crapper Limited. Plumbing and Sanitary Installations.
Yes.
I'm sorry, madam. No. I can't help you. I'm afraid all my men are out on jobs.
Yes. Well, I'll take the address down. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yeah.
Yes. It is humanly possible. Yes, yes.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Morning, Crappie.
What did you want to do that for? That was red hot.
Blimey! What time do you call this?
-You should have been here at 8:00. -Why? What happened?
How do you expect me to run my business with lazy hounds like you on the books, eh?
Come on, Crappie. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt.
Sort us out some decent jobs, will you?
As a matter of fact, I was thinking of crossing you off my register.
Leave it out. You wouldn't survive without me.
Well, you're lucky as it so happens.
-Something's just come in. -Yeah?
A bit of plumbing and a lavatory seat to fix.
-And, Sid... -Yeah.
-Try and do a good job, eh? Eh? -Crappie.
What is it?
I love you.
Don't be so blooming familiar.
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Oh! I'm very sorry.
It happens all the while. Come in, Mr plumber.
You don't mind me watching, do you?
No, I don't mind you watching.
-You Iive here all aIone? -At the moment.
Bill's away. That's my husband.
He's been away almost a year now.
I've almost forgotten what he looks like. Are you married?
-No. It's not my scene. -You'd make a lovely husband.
-What makes you say that? -Women get a feeling about these things.
-Oh, yeah? -I must make the bed.
Give me a call when you've finished.
♪ It's your birthday, dear Sid ♪ It's your birthday, dear Sid
♪ It's your birthday, dear Sidney
(WHISTLING)
(CONTINUES WHISTLING)
-I've finished! -Oh, good!
Do you mind if I take the old seat away? It might come in useful.
Do what you like with it! Come and get your money!
Door opposite the bathroom.
Come in.
That'll be £20.
My cheque book's on the dressing table. WouId you bring it over here?
Sit down.
(CLINKING)
What are you doing?
You have me at your mercy. I'm in your power. I'm helpless.
-Rubbish. -They bind me to you. I'm yours.
Do with me what you will.
Well, you might have waited till I'd got my shirt off.
Oh. Oh! What a lovely hairy chest. Oh, you're so powerful, so overwhelming.
Here, what about your husband?
-Bill! Where are you? -Yeah. Where is he?
In prison. He won't be out till tomorrow.
We've got one whole day to be really naughty.
-Oi. -Hello, Bill.
You want to go straight home?
No, no. She's not expecting me till tomorrow. She don't like surprises.
By the way, where exactly did you hide them?
Cor blimey, I've only been out five minutes.
Here, pull up at that phone box. I'm going to ring her.
Can't wait to get my teeth in one of her chicken fricassees.
Chicken fricassees!
200 grand's worth of gold bars hanging about,
all you can think about is chicken fricassees. Cor blimey!
You are my master, I am your slave.
Be rough with me. Quick, quickly.
-Just a minute. -What?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Janice? Hello, my love.
Why, it's me, Billy. Yeah. I'm on me way home.
Yeah, now. Keep the bed warm, darling, eh?
-Bloody hell. -What?
I must have got the day wrong. He's on his way back.
-What? -Trust him to spoil everything.
-What are you looking for? -The key.
-What key? -The key to this.
Oh, don't tell me you can't find it.
-I know. It's in my handbag. -Where's that?
-Downstairs. -Right.
Oh!
Help.
Cor, I don't half fancy a drink.
Food, sex and drink. That's all you think about.
Here, hold on. I've been inside for more than a year, you know.
That was your stupid fault.
I could have understood it if you'd got nicked for the gold,
but doing over a copper... I ask you!
-Well, I'd had a few, hadn't I? -Yeah.
Got carried away. Here, there's a pub over there.
-Where was he phoning from? -From a call box.
Bloody marvellous.
Ah!
That was smashing. Fancy another one?
You still ain't told me what you done with the gold.
-I melted it down. -You what?
Shh!
I couldn't keep it hanging about. I had to get rid of it.
So where is it?
You'd never guess in a million years, old son.
-Then tell me. -It's at home.
You must be out of your mind. The police can search there any time.
That's right. They already have, half a dozen times.
They never found anything, never will. Even the old woman don't know where it is.
Come on, have another pint.
I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
JANICE: Oh, my God.
You crafty old sod.
Ah, it was so simple. I used a welding torch, see.
It was the mould that was the difficult part.
I tried out plaster of Paris, but it wouldn't stand the heat, so I used clay.
-Looks like the real thing? -You couldn't tell the difference.
Except it's a bit heavy-like. Yeah.
A stroke of bloody genius, weren't it?
-Talk about sitting on a fortune. -I'll tell you something else, sunshine.
-I've got a buyer lined up for it. -Drink up, then. Let's not keep him waiting.
Come on, come on.
It's not there.
Wait a minute. I remember now.
It's in my housecoat.
And where exactly is your housecoat?
-In the bedroom. -In the bedroom.
(LAUGHING)
What?
-Are you sure it's in your housecoat? -I think so.
Hang about, hang about.
It's all right, all right.
What was he inside for?
Grievous bodily harm.
How much for this, mate?
-Here. What's this? -It's covered in brown paint.
I'll have to pay someone to scrape it off, won't I?
-What are you talking about? It's an antique. -Look, mate, that's all it's worth to me.
If you want it back, pick it up and piss off.
-Wotcha, Suse? -Hi.
-What's on today then, eh? -Sausages. All right?
Suppose it'll have to be. Bottle of brown, please.
-Here, you look well. You been away? -Yeah. Been down to my mum's.
-Costa del Bognor. -Oh, yeah.
-Hello, Blackie. -Ain't seen much of you lately, have we?
-Well... -You know what I think?
I think that you owe someone some money. Don't he, Stropper?
-Like about 900 nicker. -Well, you don't think I've forgotten, do you?
Come on, you know me. I'm a man of me word.
So's the guv'nor. He says some beautiful ones about you.
Lovely ones. He even wrote them down for us.
Says here, "Tell that lying git that if he don't cough up,
"we'll break every bone in his horrible body and stuff the bleeding lot down his throat."
Like poetry, isn't it?
-Are you threatening me? -Do you hear what he says, Stropper?
(TUTTING)
-Anything I can get you boys? -That's all right, love.
We just popped in to have a talk with our mate here, didn't we?
Keep your voice down, Blackie. These people are friends of mine.
That's all right. They'll be able to visit you in hospital, won't they?
-What do you mean? -He says, what do we mean?
Oh, leave it out.
Look, one hot tip and you lot will be owing me money.
-You know what it's like. -They never learn, do they?
I can't lose all the time. It's against the law of averages.
Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down.
Yeah, that's right.
And if you don't come up with the readies on Saturday, you'll be up!
-Up the bleeding creek, you understand? -All right. All right.
Good. Nice to have seen you.
Come on, Stropper. You've had your say.
Oh! I forgot.
You know Willie Thompson, don't you?
-The electrician? -Yeah, that's him.
He's in St Martin's Hospital. Why don't you go up and see him?
He's had a terrible accident. Like the one you'll be having.
Keep healthy.
Janice! It's me, darling. I'm home.
She must have gone shopping.
I'm not interested in that. All I want to see is that gold.
Not only can you see it, old mate, you can bloody use it. Come on up.
That's bloody marvellous. You couldn't tell it from the real thing.
It's bleeding plastic.
Bloody right. What the hell's going on?
Billy!
You better start talking, you silly bitch. Where's it gone, eh? Who's got it?
That lavatory seat you've got in the window.
Very unique piece, sir. Came from a stately home.
Eleven quid.
I don't want to buy the stately home, just the lavatory seat.
Cost me £8. I've got to make a profit.
Make it ten.
-Five? -Six.
Five and a half?
Okay.
Willie?
Hello, Willie.
(GROANING SOFTLY)
Some people will do anything to get a day off work.
You look like the invisible man.
Yeah. I heard you was laid up, mate. I didn't think it was as bad as this.
What happened?
(MUMBLING)
Yeah, but who did it?
(MUMBLING)
Blackie.
Oh, not Blackie? His friend Stropper?
(WILLIE AGREEING)
Oh, yeah.
Nice fella, Stropper.
(GROANS LOUDLY)
Oh! Sorry. I'm sorry, Willie.
(SCREAMING)
Sorry. I'm sorry, Willie. Sorry, Willie.
I'm sorry, Willie.
Here look, I bought you a dirty magazine.
Oh, yeah. I can see your problem.
Cheer up, Willie.
Did you hear about the fella that had to have his leg amputated?
When he woke up from the operation,
the doctor said, "We got some good news, we got some bad news.
"The bad news is we've chopped the wrong leg off.
"The good news is the other one's got better."
How much do you owe them, Willie? It must have been a bloody fortune.
(MUFFLED) Uh-uh. 63.
63,000?
(MUFFLED) £63.
63 quid?
See you later, Willie.
Keep healthy.
(WILLIE SCREAMING)
-Cheer up. It may never happen. -It already has.
Well, we've all got our problems. Here, what is it? What's wrong?
-I'd prefer not to talk about it. -PIease yourself. I was only trying to help.
I'm sorry.
Here you are. Get this down you.
-Oh, well, I haven't got any... -Oh, it's all right. It's on the house.
Thanks.
(SIGHING)
Only a few more minutes to go, I'm off earIy today.
-Nice one. -Oh, look, there's your two friends.
Not speaking? FriendIy sort of geezer, ain't he?
Come here.
Sit down.
Make yourself at home.
Now then, what have we done to upset you?
-Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. -Well, then...
Look, you'll get your money.
It's only a few hours since I saw you. Give us a break, for Christ's sake.
-Have you been to see Willie? -Yeah, I saw Willie.
Nice fella Willie. He didn't deserve that bit of bad luck.
And all over a mere 63 quid. Ridiculous, ain't it?
You've made your point. Don't rub it in.
In a hurry?
Oh, yeah. I've got to raise 900 quid by the end of the week, haven't I?
So you have. And I've got an idea.
Why don't you go round and see old Dodger? He might be able to help.
Dodger Harris? He's as bent as a corkscrew. What do you think I am, a villain?
Did you hear me call him a villain? It's you I'm thinking about.
900 quid's not an easy matter to raise in three days.
-Oh! Well, I'm so glad you understand. -Of course we understand.
That's why I said go round and see old Dodger.
Because if you don't cough up,
what happened to Willie will seem like an itchy elbow
compared to what's gonna happen to you.
-Thanks a lot. -Don't mention it.
See you Saturday. Oh, by the way, here's Dodger's card.
I'll tell him to expect you. Keep healthy.
Where are you going now then, home?
No, I might as well stay here and slash me wrist.
Look, I tell you what.
Why don't you come back with me? I'll cook you a nice meal.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
Here, Sid. What did those two fellows want today in the pub?
MAN ON TV: And that concludes our programmes for this evening.
It only remains for me, Joseph Gannon, on behalf of all of us here...
(SID SNORING)
You came to my house yesterday and took away my lavatory seat, right?
Who the bleeding hell are you? How did you get in here anyway?
Never mind that. Where's that bloody lavatory seat?
You nicked it. We could put you inside for that.
-What are you talking about? -I'll tell you what we're talking about.
Yesterday you came to my house to do a job
and you took my lavatory seat away with you. I want it back.
It's a load of old rubbish. I gave your wife one...
I mean, I gave your wife a brand new one and she still hasn't paid for it.
Don't get funny with us, son. You'll get this down the back of your throat.
-Where is it? -I sold it.
-You what? -Who to?
-A junk shop. -He sold it to a junk shop.
Ah! That's nice. Come on, you.
-Where are we going? -Where do you think?
-I'm not open. -Look, I made a mistake yesterday.
That bog seat is a family heirloom or something. The owner wants it back.
-Well, he can't have it, it's gone. -What do you mean, gone?
-I've sold it. -Oh, Christ! Who to?
How should I know? I've never seen him before.
Now piss off. I'm going back to bed.
-Who the hell are you? -Never mind about that, fuzz-face.
If we don't get our seat back, you're for it.
-So who was it? -I told him, I don't know.
-Did he pay you by cheque? -Yeah. I've still got it.
Let's have a look.
Now, we've saved ourselves a bit of trouble. He's put his address on the back.
Right. Now get in there and get it back. And don't forget, son, we're watching you.
What am I going to say?
You ain't been lost for words so far. Go on, get going.
Clumsy sod.
(KNOCKING)
(MOUTHS)
I bought it legally. I paid for it and I got a receipt.
But it wasn't mine to sell.
-Look, you changed the seat, right? -Yeah, but it was a mistake.
Well, I consider that everything was in order.
You were entitled to take it, I'm entitled to keep it.
Look, you've got to sell it back to me. If you don't, I'll...
If you don't, I'll call the police and tell them you're receiving stolen property.
I was just about to let you have it. Now I'm damned if I will.
Get out of here before I throw you out.
-He won't sell it back. -Won't he?
Well, we'll see about that. Come on.
Where's your old man? We want to talk with him.
-Who are you? -Never mind who we are. Where is he?
I'll get him. You wait in there.
-Go on, then. -Henry!
-Henry.
-Did you see her face? Shit scared. -Yeah.
You have to show them you mean business, don't you?
-Right. -I tell you what.
We'll give him one last chance to sell it back and if he don't, we'll do it the hard way.
-Do you remember that bloke we did... -Yes, gentlemen. What can I do for...
-Were those the men you were talking about? -Yeah.
Oh, I know them. Right pair of villains they are.
They made me come here. I didn't want to threaten anyone.
Hello? Hello, Chief Inspector Wallings here.
Yeah. I think I've got a Iead for you on that Union Safe deposit job.
Yeah. Pick me up at my house as soon as you can, will you?
-Right, well, I'll be off, then. -Just a minute.
You know, I believe there's more to that lavatory seat than we thought.
All this fuss over a bog seat.
Scrape the paint off.
-Well? -It's brass.
Just as I thought. It's gold.
Solid gold.
I'll need you down at the station.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh! Not you lot. I've had just about enough for one day.
I'm afraid you've got another problem.
-What's this? -Your eviction papers.
Sorry, but I did warn you, didn't I, Mr South? Good day.
Come in.
-Dodger Harris? -Yeah.
Oh! Come in, lad. Come in, come in. Sit down, sit down.
-Now what can I do for you? -I need some money, fast.
-I believe you might have a few ideas. -My head teems with them.
May one enquire why you want this money fast?
Yeah, well, the bookies are after me for 900 quid.
If I don't have the money by Saturday at the latest...
Oh, dear.
-Oh, you do have a problem. -Well, that's why I'm here.
-Somebody recommended you to me. -Who was this someone?
-Blackie. -Ah! Blackie.
Any friend of Blackie's is a friend of Blackie's.
Yeah. Well, he's not really a friend.
In fact it was him who threatened to do me in.
Oh, dear. What experience have you got?
-Well, I'm a plumber. -A plumber?
-Ever been in any trouble? -No, of course not.
(TUTTING)
-That's a pity. -Look...
-I don't want to do anything illegal. -Perish the thought!
-Do you ever get seasick? -Well, I'm all right in a rowing boat.
It's just I've got this something
being dropped off a fishing boat off the South Coast.
I'm looking for a likely lad to pick it up. How about that?
-What is it? -Look, don't ask no questions.
If anybody asks you any questions, you don't know any answers, right?
Now, you'll need a frogman's suit, an oxygen lung
and you'll go down...
Phew!
...20 fathoms.
I can't swim.
Oh, here's something right up your street. Jeweller's shop.
-Not a smash and grab. -For some perhaps, but not for you.
There's a professional group, a highIy professional group,
and they're looking for a modicum of information.
-What sort of information? -They want a sketch map of the basement
showing the water pipes, gas mains and alarm system.
And as a plumber, you've got the perfect cover.
You just call in and say, "I'm checking the water pressure," and you're in.
Well, that's not worth 900 quid, is it?
More or less. More or less. How about it?
What's the address?
Actually, I wasn't aware we had any trouble with the pressure.
We can never get any hot water, though. Maybe it's the thermostat.
Perhaps you would like to have a look at it while you're down there.
All right.
Well, you don't have to hang about. I'll call you if I need any help.
We're not busy. Maybe I'll learn something.
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, it's probabIy
your safety vaIve.
Ah.
MAN: Mr Bradley!
Oh! Look, I'll leave you to it now. I think they need me upstairs.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Right.
They say you done a good job. They're going in tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night! Can't you let me have a bit on account?
Look, the moment I get my commission, you get your fee.
What could be fairer than that?
-You don't look at all well, Sid. -Oh, I'm all right.
Just been up to me eyeballs in it lately, that's all.
-You didn't mind me popping in, did you? -No, of course not.
What's the matter?
Well, Susie, things have been a bit difficult lately.
What, with the bills and the rent, things have been getting out of hand.
What do you mean?
Come on, you can tell me. A trouble shared and all that.
No, you've got your own problems. You don't want to hear about mine.
Besides, you're a bit special, Suse.
You're not like the rest.
Sid, why can't you confide in me, eh? I'm sure it'd help.
Well, maybe one day.
But I've got to get meself straightened out first.
In the meantime, I don't want you lying on my account.
Here, look.
-I better get some sleep. -You could stay here, you know.
No, I think I'd better go home, don't you, eh?
(GRUNTING)
-Here, what's going on in there? -I don't know.
-It ain't half bloody hot in here. -Where's the safe, then?
I don't know. How can I see in this steam?
Come on.
Come on...
(GRUNTING)
I bet this steam will slim you up.
You got your leg caught between...
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(ALARM SOUNDING)
Christ Almighty! Let's get out of here! Get out!
MAN: Come on, Bert!
(ALARM CONTINUES)
Crappie!
-Mr Crapper. -All right! All right!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Oh, it's you.
Where did you spring from? I thought you'd retired.
-Yeah, well, I've been busy. -Not for me, you haven't.
You got any jobs, then?
You're dead lucky. A coupIe of jobs come in this morning.
Crappie, can you lend me some money? I'm a bit skint.
Yeah, all right, boy.
-When you've finished your jobs. -Oh, come on, look.
-I just need a tenner, a fiver'll do. -I must say, I do get a laugh out of you, son.
Come on.
-You phoned for a plumber. -Did we?
Well, yeah, I think so.
Well, that'll be the wife's department.
Maisie, the plumber's here.
Oh, you've come to fix the garbage disposal. This way.
We only moved in a month ago and nothing seems to work.
First it was the cooker,
then during the heatwave the fridge went wrong. All the food went off.
Then I had a problem with my dishwasher, smashed up all my crockery.
-You sound like the original Calamity Jane. -You can say that again.
There doesn't seem to be much wrong with this.
I don't even think it's a plumbing job. I think you've got a wire loose here.
Look, would you mind switching it on?
(MAISIE SCREAMING)
(CLANKING)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(WHISTLING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(CONTINUES WHISTLING)
(CHATTERING)
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
Ooh, I'm really hot. I could do with a shower.
Right, which one of us is going first?
-Is it all right if it's me? -Oh, yes. Okay.
-I say, you missed a fabulous weekend. -Well, I was supposed to come.
-Yeah. Did you go to Copenhagen? -I skipped Copenhagen.
Did you?
I had a very nice weekend.
Do you remember that photographer guy that I told you about ages ago?
The one that I thought was really chic and fancy?
The one with the very tight jeans?
-The open shirts? -Mmm-hmm.
-Well, I got a call on Friday. -So tell me, what happened?
-Well, he asked me away for the weekend. -Yes.
So then I phoned into the agency, cIaimed I was sick.
Scrapped Copenhagen and we went to the New Forest.
-Really? -In that snazzy little sports car of his.
You can't do much in that because we really tried!
So go on. What happened?
Well, that car might well be snazzy, but it's definiteIy no love bug, I tell you.
Honestly, I think I'm so battered and bruised from that thing,
I'll never expIain those away to Terry.
Anyway, so eventually, we had to pull off the road,
-couldn't stand it any Ionger. -Yeah, go on.
Well, I tell you one thing.
The fantasy about having it off in a cornfieId just doesn't work.
Oh, that's impossible.
A, the corn's too high and B, it's so stony you don't know what to do.
So we gave that up and I just got muddy.
But I will say one thing, he chose a really super hoteI.
And you can't tell me any guy hadn't pre-planned that.
He knew what he was doing, all right.
Oh, the water's lovely and warm.
-Oh, do you know what? -What?
The bed there was at least eight-foot wide.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Oh, we had a super time.
I tell you something, we must have used every inch of that bed.
-Really? -And do you know my fantasy?
-What? -Yes?
Well, I really did it this time. I went through with it.
And do you know what, it really worked. I went into the bathroom
and I knew he thought I was going to come out with some chic negligée on,
but I didn't. I did it, the full strip.
One stocking out the door, two stockings out the door
and brother, did that turn him on. Oh, do you know what?
I think after that we must have screwed for at least four hours.
Cor!
(SCREAMING)
Hello.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
(DOOR LOCKING)
Turn that engine off.
I can't stop, Blackie. I'm late.
-Yeah. Two days late, ain't he, Stropper? -What do you mean?
We said Saturday, remember?
We was waiting in that pub for hours and hours.
Look, I've got to go.
I've got an appointment with a very important man.
-What are you doing? -It's what we're going to do.
Cop that bike.
-Right, this is for starters. -Leave that bike aIone.
BLACKIE: Get off that bike, you berk. You ain't even got a licence.
Look, it's all fixed up. I'm doing this job for Dodger.
He's going to let me have 900 quid by the end of next week latest.
-What little job? -I can't tell you, can I?
You know what line of business he's in. You put me on to him.
I've learnt my bleeding lesson.
I never want to see another bookie till the day I die.
That day may come sooner than you think.
Tuesday. Make it Tuesday. I'll tell him it's a matter of life and death.
It is.
Well, look, actually, he's giving me a thousand.
-I want you to have the other 100. -Why?
Well, I kept you waiting, Blackie.
And I don't like owing people money, do I?
100, is it? Right, I believe you.
But you'll never see Wednesday if you let us down on Tuesday.
Them's me last words. Hop it.
-What happened? -The geyser overheated.
And set off the alarm and the sprinkler system.
-Great. -PIain bloody bad luck.
The boys lost all their gear.
Anyway, they didn't get caught and that's what matters.
What about me? I'm right in it.
In this game, you take the rough with the smooth.
Anyway, think of the commission I lost.
Dodger, I've got other things on me mind. I could be dead in two days.
We'll find something for you.
Here, look.
Ideal! You can't fail. It's money in your pocket.
What is it?
Christ! These are a bit strong, aren't they?
Well, the gentleman in question has been a naughty boy
and I don't suppose for one moment he'd like the pictures to go to his dear wife.
So wander round and offer him the negatives.
Go for the highest price. I'd start at about 5,000.
-That's blackmail. -Blackmail?
Blackmail, Sidney, is an ugly word.
You are a salesman, you have a commodity, so you take it to the highest bidder.
If the first potential customer doesn't want to know,
you go to the second potential customer.
-Sounds all right when you put it like that. -Course it does.
This Charteris is a rich man. He's got a string of massage parlours.
He's the answer to all your problems.
But a lot depends on how you handle the sale.
So put on your best suit, cut a dash. Look prosperous. Tell him it's big business.
Impress him.
I haven't got a suit.
And under the terms of the settlement,
one half of the net profits are incorporated in the agreement.
I am, however, negotiating a cash settlement, but until this has been sorted out,
I'm not in a position to discuss any new partnership agreement.
I'll be in touch with you immedlately the situation has been ratified.
Yours sincerely, AR Charteris.
A Mr South is outside. He'd like to have a word with you.
Oh, who the hell is he?
You know I don't see anybody except by appointment.
But I told him and he wouldn't go away.
He asked me to give you this. He said you'd understand.
Yes. I think I do understand.
Show Mr South in, will you?
Ooh, by the way, what's Belinda doing?
Oh, well, nothing at the moment. One of her clients just cancelled.
-Mr Charteris will see you. -Ah, Mr...
-South. -Mr South. Now, while I'm getting dressed,
I'd like you to enjoy a vigorating massage on the house.
No, thanks. I've come to discuss business.
Yes, of course, but I'd like you to be completely reIaxed,
so you'll be in a better condition to discuss business.
Yeah, all right.
But I'm a busy man, Mr Charteris. I want to get this matter over and done with.
I hope you fully appreciate the delicacy of the situation.
-You are a reasonable man, I understand. -Oh, I am, Mr South. I am.
Just lie down there and enjoy yourself.
Come and see me in my office when you've finished.
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHING)
What's your name then, eh?
Not speaking? That's all right.
I like a bit of mystery in my women, not too much, though.
Ooh, that's nice.
Oh!
(SID SIGHING)
Ooh! I'll tell you what.
You can eat crackers in my bed any time, eh?
Oh, Christ!
(SID GROANING)
My leg! You're breaking me leg! You'll break me leg!
Get off! Get off! Oh, get off!
(SID COUGHING)
No! No, no, no. No! No!
No, no! Not that! No!
(SCREAMING)
Easy!
Enjoying yourself?
And that'll teach you to try blackmailing me, you little bastard.
And you can tell whoever it was who sent you
that they can stuff the rest of those photographs
because they're not worth the paper they're printed on.
Well, your wife! What about your wife?
I haven't got one. We were divorced a year ago.
Hello, Dodger.
Charteris was divorced a year ago. Why don't you get your records straight?
-I nearly had me bleeding neck broken. -The story of my life, Sidney.
I never could get nothing straight.
I'm not interested in your life, Dodger. I'm at death's door.
Well, don't panic, Sidney. I mean, I'll...
Old Dodger will pull something out of the hat.
-How do you think I've survived so far? -That's a bloody good question.
Look, I've got something special for you, Sidney.
A certain gentleman, whose name cannot be divulged,
but who is not short of a small fortune or two,
is desirous of laying his hands on a certain work of art.
-Eh? -Have you heard of Picasso?
Now look, I'm not having anything to do with the Mafia.
Mafia! He's pig ignorant. Picasso is one of the greatest painters ever.
And one of his masterpieces is hanging on the wall of a mansion not very far from here.
Go on.
I want you, dear Sidney, to obtain it by fair means or foul.
And hang in its place this copy, which I've had prepared at great expense.
Oh, you're not asking me to pinch a painting?
I'm not asking you to pinch a painting. I'm asking you to arrange a swapping.
-And what happens when they find out? -Find out?
They couldn't tell a Picasso from a giraffe's arse-o.
-How do I get into the place? -Pull the old Water Board routine again.
Say you've gone round to check the water pressure
and while you're at it, suss the joint out.
Then, having secreted this copy somewhere about your person,
at the appropriate moment, swap it.
-Swap it? -Swap it.
And this time, nothing can go wrong.
Old Dodger gives you his personal guarantee.
After all, it's only a swapping.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
What are you doing standing there without a drink in your hand?
Sex alive, there's enough liquor around here to sink a battleship.
Lucinda, honey! There.
No one shall ever say Loretta Proudfoot lacks one iota of Southern hospitality.
Even though she is 6,000 miles away from home.
Oh, you're Mrs Proudfoot?
Oh! I'm sorry, honey. I thought you were a guest.
-Oh, no, I'm a plumber. -A plumber. Did I call for a plumber?
Well, the council sent me. Your water pressure's all over the place.
Loretta, darling. You've been holding out on me.
Where have you been hiding this one?
LORETTA: This is Hubert, one of my dearest friends.
-Hubert, meet... -Sid.
Oh! What a lovely name.
-LORETTA: He's a plumber. -A plumber! How interesting.
Well, you can shove your plunger round my S-bend any day.
-I'll hit you over the bleeding head with it. -Ooh! Any time.
He's so butch, dear. I'll see you later, heart-face.
You must forgive Hubert. He's not afraid to say exactly how he feels.
That's all right. It don't bother me.
Good. Because I believe in everybody being themseIves.
My late husband, who was a psychiatrist, always said
the trouble with the world was sexual frustration.
Very true.
So every now and again, I like to have a little get-together
where all my friends can lose all their inhibitions.
Well, yeah. You mean, sort of, let it all hang out.
Exactly. Oh, Robin, honey, this is Sid.
My! Samantha's got a sparkle in her eye tonight, haven't you, honey?
She's sparkling at everybody. I can't keep her away from the men.
And you know what I'm like, I get so jealous.
I was in two minds about coming tonight, but she insisted, didn't you, dear?
Oh, she couldn't wait to lose her inhibitions.
The moment she stepped into the room she took all her clothes off.
With a body like that, how can you bIame her?
Hasn't she got the most beautiful shape?
-Fantastic, yeah. -Tell me,
-do you think I was right to bring her? -Yeah.
I know why you're saying that. You fancy her yourself, don't you?
Now, now, Robin,
Sid is not a man to step in between two people who love each other.
You really must try to stop being so jealous,
and I mustn't keep you from your duties for one moment longer.
Enjoying yourself, honey? Fine.
By the way, what actually is wrong with my water?
Well, it's not running properly. It's throwing the whole area out of balance.
(SHRIEKING)
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
-You've got my plunger. -Your what?
Well, it's stuck to your ar... Well, I'll have to have it back.
Do you mind?
Well, I've got to get it back.
Okay, everyone, it's time to go fishing. Now, you all know the rules.
Each one of you has to fish for his or her partner.
And once you've hooked them, they're yours for the night.
One, two, three, everyone into the water!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hey, no! Oh, no, no! Look.
Look, I'm only the plumber. I'm only the plumber!
Ah! My Picasso's in the water. Somebody fish it out. The colours'll run.
You, you took it. You're not a plumber, you're a thief.
The police. Somebody ring for the police!
-I'm not a thief, it belongs to me. -Belongs to you! It's mine.
There's not another like it in the whole wide world.
Your bleeding Picasso's hanging on the wall. Turn around, have a look.
Well, what's that doing there, then?
-Well, it's not worth tuppence, it's a copy. -A copy!
I know what you were gonna do!
(POPS)
(AIR HISSING)
Samantha!
He's killed her.
He's done her in.
-Ah! You got it. -No, I didn't get it.
-Well, why not? -There was a party going on
and one thing led to another and I didn't do the swap.
Look, Dodger, I'm not interested in any more of your little schemes.
As much as I need the money, I don't fancy spending next Christmas inside.
Oh, well, Sidney, remember the old saying.
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again."
I'm not trying anything else. That's final.
Oh, that's a shame, Sidney. 'Cause I've got a smasher here.
You couldn't go wrong with this one. Tower of London.
Dodger, stuff it.
-Good morning. -MAN: Morning.
-Do you buy bikes? -Yeah.
Well, what about this mighty machine out here, eh?
I'll have a look at it.
Done a lot of mileage, hasn't it?
It just goes to show how honest I am. I could have easily fixed the clock.
-The tyres are well worn. -Oh, come on. What's a couple of tyres?
What do you want, part exchange?
Well, no. I've got to sell it actually. I don't want to, but I've got no choice.
Need money in a hurry, do you?
No, no. I know this geezer who's selling a sports car.
Real bargain.
But unless I give him the money today, no go.
Where's the registration book?
-Any hire purchase on it? -Yeah, why?
-How many payments have you made? -Two.
You can't sell it. It's not yours to sell.
Well, it's my property. I bought it, didn't I?
It's not your property until you've made the last payment.
-Do you mean I can't sell it anywhere? -It's not yours to sell.
You try selling that bike to anybody else and you'll get put inside.
-Oh, you're not going away. -Yeah. I've come to say goodbye.
I've got myself a job on one of them oil rigs. I'll be earning thousands.
I suppose that's good news. When do you leave?
Today.
-Wish I could come with you. -Well, I'll be back in a few months.
My pockets will be bulging. We'll have a great time.
Go everywhere, see everything.
MAN: 20 Dunhills, please.
Just going down the bank to get the money.
That's all right. We'll walk down there with you.
Keep you company, won't we, Stropper?
You still don't trust me, do you, eh?
I'm not going to emigrate. It's only 1,000 quid.
Well, that's all right. We'll still walk down there with you.
Guv'nor's orders.
Yeah, well, you don't have to put yourselves out.
You sound like you don't want us with you, Sid.
You're not trying anything on, are you?
Don't tear his clothes.
They'll be worth a few quid when we get them off him.
On second thoughts.
Come on, Blackie. The bank'll be closed.
So what? You ain't got nothing in it. I ain't thick.
What's in the bag?
Well, it's me laundry. I pass the laundry on the way to the bank.
Open it up.
You're dead right.
You ain't emigrating.
They don't take cripples in these foreign countries.
Stropper, your moment has come.
-I never did you any harm. -I didn't say you did. It's me job, innit?
You never gave me a chance. You didn't give me enough time.
You're breaking me bleeding heart. Stropper!
Mister, this is private business.
My apologies, but I have to speak to Mr South.
-So do we and we saw him first. -I'm from the Bovine Insurance Company.
-He won't be needing any. Push off! -I'm not selling insurance.
Here, don't I know you?
I was at the police station when you made a statement about that lavatory seat.
-Oh, that's right, yeah. I remember. -Lavatory seat?
I'm pleased to inform you, Mr South, that you are due for a reward. £1,000.
For giving information leading to the recovery of stolen property.
Now if you'll just sign this receipt.
Turn your back, Stropper.
My apologies for the interruption, gentlemen. Good day.
-1,000 quid. -Where's your bank?
Mr Rockefeller.
-Hello, boy. I heard all about your windfall. -Yeah, so did the bookies. Took the lot.
Come on, Crappie. I'm back in the market.
-Got anything? -Nothing. Get out.
-I'm desperate. I'll do anything. -Anything?
-Yeah.
I've got something to show you.
What is it?
It's a new mechanical pipe and drain cleaner.
-I'm starting a new service. -Drains?
-Yeah. -Not with me, you're not.
Here, hang about.
I was thinking of putting you in soIe charge of this.
-Only because you can't get anyone else. -Yeah.
No!
Oh, look here. Look, somebody's got to do it, haven't they?
It'll be a good rate of pay. Plenty of overtime.
-All right. -Good boy.
You get to learn how to handle that machine, boy, you'll earn a lot of money.
It does the work ten times faster. Here, try it out on our drains here.
Get a bit of practice.
-Hello, stranger. -Wotcha, Suse?
Yeah, well, life has been a bit complicated lately.
Yeah, I know. I heard all about your troubles.
Eh, we are still friends, aren't we?
Yeah, of course we're still friends. Here, flick that switch, will you?
(CRAPPER SCREAMING)