00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,308 --> 00:00:02,942 Previously on: 2 00:00:03,186 --> 00:00:05,895 It's spring break this week, so Zoey and her daughter 3 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:06,757 are going to stay here. 4 00:00:06,758 --> 00:00:08,786 I'm going to need you to move out for the week. 5 00:00:08,811 --> 00:00:09,477 (grunts) 6 00:00:09,478 --> 00:00:10,376 Where you staying? 7 00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:11,412 I'm just going to have to stay with Lindsey. 8 00:00:11,413 --> 00:00:13,881 There's someone in the house. Go look. 9 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:17,851 Ow! What?! 10 00:00:17,853 --> 00:00:19,520 I'm sorry! 11 00:00:19,522 --> 00:00:22,055 No, no, don't touch it! 12 00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,424 I'm bored. 13 00:00:24,426 --> 00:00:26,927 ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:31,082 --> 00:00:34,017 I can't do this, Berta. It's just too much. 15 00:00:34,019 --> 00:00:35,519 She just never stops. 16 00:00:35,521 --> 00:00:38,705 So, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter? 17 00:00:38,707 --> 00:00:39,907 It's good. It's good. 18 00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,124 Oh. 19 00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:42,859 How's living with Lyndsey? 20 00:00:42,861 --> 00:00:45,462 Oh, it's terrific. That's great. 21 00:00:45,464 --> 00:00:48,382 So, if I could get rid of them... Yes, 100 times yes. 22 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,387 Men... 23 00:00:53,389 --> 00:00:54,871 Okay. 24 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,208 Zoey... 25 00:00:58,210 --> 00:01:00,143 you know I love you, and... 26 00:01:00,145 --> 00:01:02,729 I want to live with you forever. 27 00:01:02,731 --> 00:01:04,431 But we got to lose the kid. 28 00:01:07,402 --> 00:01:09,987 Yeah, probably not. (clears throat) Okay. 29 00:01:09,989 --> 00:01:13,223 Hey, have you ever thought of Swiss boarding schools? 30 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,393 Hi! Sh... 31 00:01:16,395 --> 00:01:17,945 She's out like a light. 32 00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:22,065 Really? How? Did you drug her? 33 00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:25,168 I didn't think we were allowed to drug her. 34 00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:27,588 She's worn out from playing with you all day. 35 00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:29,506 She's not the only one. 36 00:01:29,508 --> 00:01:33,293 (stammering) Listen... 37 00:01:33,295 --> 00:01:34,428 I've been thinking about this 38 00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:38,081 whole "moving in together" thing. 39 00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:41,268 It's all right. I admit, I had my doubts. 40 00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:44,137 But you have been so wonderful with her. 41 00:01:44,139 --> 00:01:45,973 Thank you. 44 00:01:49,945 --> 00:01:52,029 You're all she talks about. 45 00:01:52,031 --> 00:01:54,481 The sun rises and sets with you. 46 00:01:54,483 --> 00:01:56,967 Huh... 47 00:01:58,620 --> 00:02:00,220 Look at what she made for you. 48 00:02:03,575 --> 00:02:06,610 Wow... 49 00:02:06,612 --> 00:02:09,246 So, you win. We're all yours. 50 00:02:09,248 --> 00:02:10,297 I mean, 51 00:02:10,299 --> 00:02:11,882 there's a million details to figure out 52 00:02:11,884 --> 00:02:13,433 before we can move in permanently. 53 00:02:13,435 --> 00:02:15,519 First and foremost, where she's going to go to school. 54 00:02:15,521 --> 00:02:18,188 Have you ever considered Switzerland? 55 00:02:18,190 --> 00:02:20,090 (laughs) You're kidding, right? 56 00:02:20,092 --> 00:02:23,126 I'm ki.. of course! (chuckles) 57 00:02:23,128 --> 00:02:26,263 Why would I want her so far away? 58 00:02:26,265 --> 00:02:29,399 Let me put her up to bed. Then we can start making plans. 59 00:02:29,401 --> 00:02:30,634 Great. 60 00:02:30,636 --> 00:02:32,069 Mommy? Hmm? 61 00:02:32,071 --> 00:02:33,153 Where's Walden? 62 00:02:33,155 --> 00:02:34,655 Oh, I'm right here. 63 00:02:34,657 --> 00:02:37,074 I love you, Walden. 64 00:02:38,026 --> 00:02:40,277 I love you... 65 00:02:40,279 --> 00:02:41,662 (chuckles) 66 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,752 Just like I planned it. 67 00:02:48,754 --> 00:02:51,271 (knocking) 68 00:02:53,758 --> 00:02:55,542 Hey, roomie! 69 00:02:55,544 --> 00:02:57,427 You got here quick. 70 00:02:57,429 --> 00:02:59,346 Yeah, Lyndsey asked me to fix the garbage disposal 71 00:02:59,348 --> 00:03:02,165 and I didn't like the odds. 72 00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:04,000 So, uh, did you talk to Zoey yet? 73 00:03:04,002 --> 00:03:05,268 Yes, I did. 74 00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:06,019 How'd she take it? 75 00:03:06,021 --> 00:03:07,804 Well, I... yeah, let's... 76 00:03:07,806 --> 00:03:09,673 Did she cry? 77 00:03:09,675 --> 00:03:11,341 No... Yelling? 78 00:03:11,343 --> 00:03:13,060 No. There was no yelling. 79 00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:16,396 Yeah, I know that I said that I wanted to get rid of her 80 00:03:16,398 --> 00:03:17,981 and have you come back... 81 00:03:17,983 --> 00:03:19,449 Oh, no! 82 00:03:19,451 --> 00:03:21,451 You know, I, I love her. 83 00:03:21,453 --> 00:03:22,869 Oh, no! 84 00:03:22,871 --> 00:03:24,655 And I, I love the kid. 85 00:03:24,657 --> 00:03:25,872 No! 86 00:03:25,874 --> 00:03:27,574 I'm just going to have to make it work. 87 00:03:27,576 --> 00:03:29,376 No, no, no, no, no, no! 88 00:03:29,378 --> 00:03:31,861 Alan, I'm sorry. 89 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:36,416 Okay, okay, I'll... I'll figure something out. 90 00:03:36,418 --> 00:03:39,553 If nothing else, I am a survivor. 91 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,094 (snorting) 92 00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,396 Okay, very funny. Survivor, I get it. 93 00:03:49,398 --> 00:03:51,431 (panting) 94 00:03:51,433 --> 00:03:54,685 Oh, come on! I feel bad enough already. 95 00:03:54,687 --> 00:03:56,319 Help me... 96 00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:57,521 911! 97 00:03:57,523 --> 00:03:59,022 Oh, okay. I'll play along. 98 00:03:59,024 --> 00:04:01,692 Here, would 100 dollars 99 00:04:01,694 --> 00:04:03,160 make you better? 100 00:04:03,945 --> 00:04:05,395 You're not kidding? (panting) 101 00:04:05,397 --> 00:04:06,863 Not kidding... 102 00:04:06,865 --> 00:04:08,498 Don't die. 103 00:04:20,795 --> 00:04:23,180 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 104 00:04:23,182 --> 00:04:25,922 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 105 00:04:25,923 --> 00:04:28,923 ♪ Two and a Half Men 9x22 ♪ Why We Gave Up Women Original Air Date on April 30, 2012 106 00:04:28,924 --> 00:04:31,924 == sync, corrected by elderman == 107 00:04:31,925 --> 00:04:34,194 I want him to have the best possible care. 108 00:04:34,196 --> 00:04:36,529 So, whatever it takes, I'll pay for it. 109 00:04:36,531 --> 00:04:38,097 (chuckles) You're going to have to. 110 00:04:38,099 --> 00:04:41,534 The man's got the worst insurance policy I've ever seen. 111 00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:45,205 What do you mean? He's got a $500,000 deductible. 112 00:04:45,207 --> 00:04:47,574 A $500,000 deductible? 113 00:04:47,576 --> 00:04:49,042 Even at our prices, he ain't gonna 114 00:04:49,044 --> 00:04:50,710 hit that with one heart attack. 115 00:04:50,712 --> 00:04:53,329 All right, well, I'll just... I'll take care of it. 116 00:04:53,331 --> 00:04:55,949 Just check the box "Domestic Partner." 117 00:04:55,951 --> 00:04:59,419 Oh, no, we're just buddies. 118 00:04:59,421 --> 00:05:01,704 We got no buddy forms. 119 00:05:01,706 --> 00:05:04,807 Yeah, but... Just check the damn box. 120 00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:14,017 Come out, come out, wherever you are. 121 00:05:14,019 --> 00:05:17,403 I guess there's nothing to do now but wait. 122 00:05:17,405 --> 00:05:19,639 Forgive me for being callous, 123 00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:22,325 but don't you think this heart attack is a bit convenient? 124 00:05:22,327 --> 00:05:24,360 What? Come on. 125 00:05:24,362 --> 00:05:26,529 He tries to weasel his way back into the house. 126 00:05:26,531 --> 00:05:27,747 You tell him no 127 00:05:27,749 --> 00:05:29,999 and he falls to the ground, clutching his chest. 128 00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:32,201 You think he faked a heart attack? 129 00:05:32,203 --> 00:05:35,171 I think he'd fake a shark attack. 130 00:05:35,173 --> 00:05:36,989 How do you fake a shark attack? 131 00:05:36,991 --> 00:05:39,992 I don't know. Ask Alan. 132 00:05:39,994 --> 00:05:41,827 Harper? 133 00:05:41,829 --> 00:05:43,763 Yeah, right here. 134 00:05:43,765 --> 00:05:46,332 Okay, well, your boyfriend's going to be fine. 135 00:05:46,334 --> 00:05:47,884 (sighs) That's great. 136 00:05:47,886 --> 00:05:49,185 Uh, he's not my... 137 00:05:49,187 --> 00:05:50,687 It's great. 138 00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:53,139 It was the form. It was just easier. 139 00:05:53,141 --> 00:05:56,893 Um, did he actually have a heart attack? 140 00:05:56,895 --> 00:05:59,612 It was a mild one, but yes. Told you. 141 00:06:00,597 --> 00:06:02,398 He should be fine. He's just going to need rest 142 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,650 and as little stress as possible. 143 00:06:03,652 --> 00:06:05,318 For how long? 144 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,203 I don't know, at least a month or two. 145 00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:09,205 Great... 146 00:06:09,207 --> 00:06:11,708 That's why we gave up women. Am I right? 147 00:06:13,327 --> 00:06:14,727 It's a compelling argument. 148 00:06:22,152 --> 00:06:23,536 Hi. 149 00:06:23,538 --> 00:06:26,005 Hi, Walden. 150 00:06:26,007 --> 00:06:27,640 How ya feelin'? 151 00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:30,076 Fan-tastic. 152 00:06:30,078 --> 00:06:32,595 I'm on a morphine drip. 153 00:06:34,548 --> 00:06:38,718 Everyone should have a morphine drip. 154 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,721 There would be no more war. 155 00:06:41,723 --> 00:06:44,240 Listen, the doctor said 156 00:06:44,242 --> 00:06:47,527 that you... had a little heart attack, 157 00:06:47,529 --> 00:06:48,995 but you're going to be fine. 158 00:06:48,997 --> 00:06:51,464 (heart monitor beeping steadily) Oh, yeah. 159 00:06:51,466 --> 00:06:53,499 Yeah, I remember now. 160 00:06:53,501 --> 00:06:55,785 Zoey's moving in and... 161 00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:58,070 I'm... I'm moving out. 162 00:06:58,072 --> 00:07:00,056 (heart monitor beeping faster) 163 00:07:01,408 --> 00:07:03,242 No, you're not moving out. 164 00:07:03,244 --> 00:07:04,877 I'm-I'm not? 165 00:07:04,879 --> 00:07:08,247 No, you can stay as long as you want. As long as you need. 166 00:07:08,249 --> 00:07:09,682 Oh. 167 00:07:09,684 --> 00:07:12,802 (heart monitor beeping slowing) 168 00:07:12,804 --> 00:07:15,605 Oh, that's... that's so good to hear. 169 00:07:15,607 --> 00:07:18,107 Thataboy. 170 00:07:18,109 --> 00:07:21,611 I just... I just want you to not worry about anything. 171 00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:22,612 I won't. 172 00:07:22,614 --> 00:07:24,263 Okay. 173 00:07:24,265 --> 00:07:26,265 You just relax and feel better, okay? 174 00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:28,234 Okeydokey. 175 00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,772 Hey, Walden. Guess what? 176 00:07:32,774 --> 00:07:33,939 What? 177 00:07:33,941 --> 00:07:37,727 I'm peeing right now. 178 00:07:37,729 --> 00:07:39,362 No kidding. 179 00:07:39,364 --> 00:07:41,280 But it's okay. 180 00:07:41,282 --> 00:07:45,835 There's a tube attached to my wiener. 181 00:07:49,757 --> 00:07:51,941 I don't think there is. 182 00:07:55,229 --> 00:07:57,463 Oh... 183 00:07:58,482 --> 00:07:59,982 Men... 184 00:07:59,984 --> 00:08:02,935 EVELYN: My God. He's going to be okay? WALDEN: Yeah. 185 00:08:02,937 --> 00:08:04,520 He just needs to take it easy. 186 00:08:04,522 --> 00:08:06,439 (sighs) I don't know what I would do 187 00:08:06,441 --> 00:08:07,973 if anything happened to him. 188 00:08:07,975 --> 00:08:10,359 (Evelyn sniffles) 189 00:08:10,361 --> 00:08:12,528 I've already lost my good son! 190 00:08:15,616 --> 00:08:18,251 Do you happen to know if they validate parking? 191 00:08:21,655 --> 00:08:23,589 JAKE: So, are those tubes putting stuff in 192 00:08:23,591 --> 00:08:24,841 or taking stuff out? 193 00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:26,826 I think a little bit of both. 194 00:08:26,828 --> 00:08:28,261 Oh, I get it. 195 00:08:28,263 --> 00:08:31,264 It's like eating on the toilet. 196 00:08:31,266 --> 00:08:32,982 (whispering): So, what did the doctor say? 197 00:08:32,984 --> 00:08:35,268 Uh, he just said he needs to take it easy. 198 00:08:35,270 --> 00:08:36,436 You know, no stress. 199 00:08:36,438 --> 00:08:38,037 JAKE: Then I guess we shouldn't tell him 200 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,205 about what happened at school. 201 00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:41,941 JUDITH: No, we definitely should not. 202 00:08:41,943 --> 00:08:44,844 Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker. 203 00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:47,897 Why would they do that? 204 00:08:47,899 --> 00:08:51,584 That, my friend, is the million-dollar question. 205 00:08:55,038 --> 00:08:56,155 Look, Lyndsey, 206 00:08:56,157 --> 00:08:57,457 I know you're his girlfriend, 207 00:08:57,459 --> 00:08:59,759 and I know you'd like to take care of him, but... 208 00:08:59,761 --> 00:09:02,261 I kind of feel responsible for this. 209 00:09:02,263 --> 00:09:05,081 And I'd like him to stay with me until he recovers. 210 00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:07,216 Fine. Let's go get some coffee. 211 00:09:11,839 --> 00:09:13,706 Men... 212 00:09:14,541 --> 00:09:15,892 WOMAN: Wake up, Alan. 213 00:09:15,894 --> 00:09:18,544 (chuckling moan) 214 00:09:18,546 --> 00:09:22,548 Is it spongebath time again? 215 00:09:22,550 --> 00:09:24,817 You wish. 216 00:09:30,607 --> 00:09:32,108 What's going on? 217 00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:33,225 Who are you? 218 00:09:33,227 --> 00:09:35,695 Ah, Alan, that hurts. 219 00:09:35,697 --> 00:09:38,080 Don't you recognize your own brother? 220 00:09:46,782 --> 00:09:48,099 Men... 221 00:09:48,101 --> 00:09:49,884 What is this, some kind of sick joke? 222 00:09:49,886 --> 00:09:51,636 Charlie's dead. 223 00:09:51,638 --> 00:09:54,990 You're dubious. Understandable. 224 00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:56,558 When you were 14 years old, 225 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,426 you went to your first boy/girl party, 226 00:09:58,428 --> 00:09:59,611 and you were really nervous 227 00:09:59,613 --> 00:10:01,062 because they were going to play spin the bottle. 228 00:10:01,064 --> 00:10:01,896 Yeah? 229 00:10:01,898 --> 00:10:03,331 So, before you left the house, 230 00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:05,867 I convinced you that the grownup way to French-kiss 231 00:10:05,869 --> 00:10:08,003 was to spit in the other person's mouth. 232 00:10:09,789 --> 00:10:12,457 You hocked a big loogie down Marcy Bilson's throat 233 00:10:12,459 --> 00:10:14,342 and she'd kicked you in the nuts. 234 00:10:14,344 --> 00:10:17,579 Ah, come on, everybody in high school knew that story. 235 00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:19,464 Answer me this: 236 00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:22,300 What are your five favorite words to hear from a woman? 237 00:10:22,302 --> 00:10:25,737 "I can't spend the night." 238 00:10:26,439 --> 00:10:28,440 (whispers) Charlie... 239 00:10:28,442 --> 00:10:30,758 At your service. 240 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,928 I don't... I don't understand. 241 00:10:32,930 --> 00:10:35,430 Are you reincarnated or something? 242 00:10:35,432 --> 00:10:37,449 Nah, I'm in hell. 243 00:10:39,952 --> 00:10:42,404 Walking around in this old broad's body 244 00:10:42,406 --> 00:10:45,607 is supposed to be some kind of eternal damnation. 245 00:10:46,876 --> 00:10:47,792 You know what? 246 00:10:47,794 --> 00:10:49,544 The joke's on them. 247 00:10:49,546 --> 00:10:52,080 Boobs are still boobs. 248 00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:56,084 So, why are you here? 249 00:10:56,086 --> 00:10:57,669 I thought you could use a little help. 250 00:10:57,671 --> 00:10:59,271 I have been through a rough patch. 251 00:10:59,273 --> 00:11:01,773 You look like you've been through a propeller. 252 00:11:03,042 --> 00:11:05,126 I came here to tell you it's not too late 253 00:11:05,128 --> 00:11:06,144 to turn your life around. 254 00:11:06,146 --> 00:11:06,962 How? 255 00:11:06,964 --> 00:11:08,647 Stop being a parasite. 256 00:11:08,649 --> 00:11:11,433 Step up. Be a man. Grow a pair. 257 00:11:12,501 --> 00:11:15,637 Uh, parenthetically, this body actually has a pair. 258 00:11:16,989 --> 00:11:19,407 They dangle right under my hooha. 259 00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:25,113 Did not need to know that. 260 00:11:25,115 --> 00:11:27,949 Point being, you lived on me for eight years 261 00:11:27,951 --> 00:11:29,701 and now you're living off this new guy. 262 00:11:29,703 --> 00:11:31,653 Now, now, hang on. W-Walden's my friend. 263 00:11:31,655 --> 00:11:33,371 He invited me to stay with him. 264 00:11:33,373 --> 00:11:36,324 Oh, kiss my surprisingly tight ass. 265 00:11:36,326 --> 00:11:38,593 You're nobody's friend. 266 00:11:38,595 --> 00:11:41,546 You're a useless appendage, like tonsils, 267 00:11:41,548 --> 00:11:44,933 or the nutsack under my hooha. 268 00:11:44,935 --> 00:11:48,386 I see hell hasn't mellowed you out any. 269 00:11:48,388 --> 00:11:50,105 Listen to me, you got to get out 270 00:11:50,107 --> 00:11:52,524 of that guy's house and make a life for yourself. 271 00:11:52,526 --> 00:11:54,359 I suppose I could go live with Lyndsey. 272 00:11:54,361 --> 00:11:56,010 You're missing my point. 273 00:11:56,012 --> 00:11:58,029 I'm not suggesting that the tapeworm 274 00:11:58,031 --> 00:12:00,482 find a new colon to crawl into. 275 00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:03,218 Hold out your hand. 276 00:12:04,987 --> 00:12:06,871 Thank you. 277 00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,024 This is your last chance, Alan. 278 00:12:10,026 --> 00:12:11,993 Move out of that house. Get your own place. 279 00:12:11,995 --> 00:12:13,712 Start pulling your own weight in the world. 280 00:12:13,714 --> 00:12:15,380 Okay. I will. 281 00:12:15,382 --> 00:12:17,299 You'll see. I can change. 282 00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:18,800 Good. 283 00:12:18,802 --> 00:12:20,368 Then my work here is done. 284 00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:22,203 Well, thanks, Charlie. 285 00:12:22,205 --> 00:12:23,722 You got it. 286 00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:27,208 Oh, uh, (chuckles) 287 00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:28,393 Before I go... 288 00:12:29,312 --> 00:12:30,878 (unzipping): ...you gotta check this out. 289 00:12:31,597 --> 00:12:32,480 Oh! 290 00:12:32,482 --> 00:12:34,048 Oh! 291 00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:35,717 Was I lying? 292 00:12:35,719 --> 00:12:38,086 Tell me that's not disturbing. 293 00:12:45,728 --> 00:12:47,729 Men... 294 00:12:47,731 --> 00:12:49,364 What do you want me to do, Zoey? 295 00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:52,000 The last time I asked him to leave, he almost died. 296 00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,201 Well, what does that mean? 297 00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,420 He lives with you until he actually does die? 298 00:12:55,422 --> 00:12:58,039 No, just until he gets back on his feet. 299 00:12:58,041 --> 00:13:00,091 The man has no feet. 300 00:13:00,093 --> 00:13:02,010 He is a footless man. 301 00:13:02,012 --> 00:13:03,678 Okay, come on. 302 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,348 What about his mother? Why doesn't he live with her? 303 00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:07,549 They don't really get along. 304 00:13:07,551 --> 00:13:09,134 What about his girlfriend? 305 00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,252 They don't really get along. 306 00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:12,721 Oh, God. 307 00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,389 So we're stuck with him forever. 308 00:13:14,391 --> 00:13:18,560 The man is the herpes of houseguests. 309 00:13:18,562 --> 00:13:19,978 (doorbell rings) 310 00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:21,546 Come on. That is not fair. 311 00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:22,614 You're right. 312 00:13:22,616 --> 00:13:24,949 Herpes sometimes disappears for a while. 313 00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:27,869 Surprise! 314 00:13:27,871 --> 00:13:28,903 Alan. 315 00:13:28,905 --> 00:13:30,905 Herpes. 316 00:13:30,907 --> 00:13:32,273 What? They let you out? 317 00:13:32,275 --> 00:13:34,108 Oh, no, no. I checked myself out. 318 00:13:34,110 --> 00:13:35,894 I didn't want you to have to pay one more penny for me. 319 00:13:35,896 --> 00:13:36,944 Oh, come on. 320 00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,112 The money is not important. 321 00:13:38,114 --> 00:13:39,464 What's important is your health. 322 00:13:39,466 --> 00:13:41,499 No, what's important is that I stop being a parasite 323 00:13:41,501 --> 00:13:42,667 and stand on my own two feet. 324 00:13:42,669 --> 00:13:44,469 ZOEY: You have no feet. 325 00:13:45,838 --> 00:13:47,255 What was that? 326 00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:48,339 It's Zoey. 327 00:13:48,341 --> 00:13:50,291 I'll be right there, honey. 328 00:13:50,293 --> 00:13:53,178 I'm just going to grab my stuff, and I'll get out of your hair. 329 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,412 Are you sure? 330 00:13:54,414 --> 00:13:56,848 I am positive, Walden. I-I have had an epiphany. 331 00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:58,983 I need to make a big change in my life. 332 00:13:58,985 --> 00:14:00,819 Wow. 333 00:14:00,821 --> 00:14:01,986 Where will you go? 334 00:14:01,988 --> 00:14:03,905 Oh, I found a cute little place online. 335 00:14:03,907 --> 00:14:05,240 Uh, you know, it's not much, 336 00:14:05,242 --> 00:14:07,358 but, uh, at least I'll have my pride. 337 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,827 I don't know, Alan. 338 00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:12,313 Let the man have his pride! 339 00:14:12,315 --> 00:14:15,834 Uh, here's my address for mailing stuff. 340 00:14:17,253 --> 00:14:18,787 If this is what you want... 341 00:14:18,789 --> 00:14:19,587 It's what I want. 342 00:14:19,589 --> 00:14:21,289 It's what everybody wants! 343 00:14:23,175 --> 00:14:24,492 Don't listen to her. 344 00:14:24,494 --> 00:14:26,761 Oh, no, no. She's right. 345 00:14:26,763 --> 00:14:29,881 She's an angry, cold-hearted tea bag! 346 00:14:29,883 --> 00:14:32,517 But she's right. 347 00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:34,886 What did he say? 348 00:14:34,888 --> 00:14:37,222 He said that you were right. 349 00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:40,975 Men... 350 00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:43,511 No, Jake. 351 00:14:43,513 --> 00:14:44,946 If I'm not living at the beach house, 352 00:14:44,948 --> 00:14:46,648 you're not living at the beach house. 353 00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:49,534 Yeah, well, sometimes life just isn't fair. 354 00:14:49,536 --> 00:14:52,871 Well, sure you can visit me where I'm living now. 355 00:14:52,873 --> 00:14:54,956 But, uh, you're not going to have your own room 356 00:14:54,958 --> 00:14:57,024 or your own bed or your own bathroom 357 00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,694 and... you might need to have a tetanus shot. 358 00:15:02,164 --> 00:15:04,349 But I'd love to have you. 359 00:15:04,351 --> 00:15:06,551 Okay, you let me know. 360 00:15:06,553 --> 00:15:09,387 Okay, good night. 361 00:15:13,509 --> 00:15:15,209 All right. 362 00:15:15,211 --> 00:15:17,262 It's not much, but... 363 00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:18,480 it's mine. 364 00:15:20,683 --> 00:15:22,901 I am self-sufficient. 365 00:15:25,354 --> 00:15:28,273 And beholden to no one. 366 00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:35,830 (caws) 367 00:15:35,832 --> 00:15:38,833 Oh, that's not a good sign. 368 00:15:38,835 --> 00:15:41,669 (cawing) 369 00:15:41,671 --> 00:15:43,505 Men... 370 00:15:44,456 --> 00:15:45,957 ZOEY: It's odd... 371 00:15:45,959 --> 00:15:47,575 But now that Alan's finally gone, 372 00:15:47,577 --> 00:15:49,294 I actually kind of miss him. 373 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:50,628 Yeah, me too. 374 00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:52,096 Walden, I'm kidding. 375 00:15:53,749 --> 00:15:54,749 Oh, yeah, me too. 376 00:15:54,751 --> 00:15:56,301 (chuckles) 377 00:15:58,721 --> 00:16:00,138 So... 378 00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:02,273 Now that we have the house to ourselves, 379 00:16:02,275 --> 00:16:03,474 what would you like to do? 380 00:16:03,476 --> 00:16:05,443 What I would like to do 381 00:16:05,445 --> 00:16:07,495 is you. 382 00:16:08,948 --> 00:16:10,615 And where I would like to do it, 383 00:16:10,617 --> 00:16:12,700 is on every flat surface 384 00:16:12,702 --> 00:16:14,936 in every room of this house. 385 00:16:14,938 --> 00:16:16,871 Mm. Mm. 386 00:16:16,873 --> 00:16:18,439 Woo. Hey. 387 00:16:18,441 --> 00:16:20,942 Oh. Jake. 388 00:16:20,944 --> 00:16:21,876 This is my friend, Gabby. 389 00:16:21,878 --> 00:16:24,779 Hi! (giggles) 390 00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,748 We're going to go hang out in my room. 391 00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,416 Uh, Jake, uh, 392 00:16:28,418 --> 00:16:29,918 hold on. 393 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,286 Have you spoken to your father lately? 394 00:16:32,288 --> 00:16:34,789 No, I don't believe I have. 395 00:16:37,509 --> 00:16:38,810 Look at the bright side. 396 00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:40,261 What bright side? 397 00:16:40,263 --> 00:16:43,398 He might share some of his pot with us. 398 00:16:44,733 --> 00:16:47,268 Men... 399 00:16:50,239 --> 00:16:53,174 CHARLIE: Wake up, buttercup. 400 00:16:54,977 --> 00:16:57,695 Oh. Hey, Charlie. 401 00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:02,283 So, what do you think? 402 00:17:02,285 --> 00:17:04,252 I finally got my own place. 403 00:17:04,254 --> 00:17:06,170 Fantastic. 404 00:17:06,172 --> 00:17:08,640 You're not sponging off that rat, are you? 405 00:17:10,292 --> 00:17:11,259 There's a rat? 406 00:17:11,261 --> 00:17:12,427 Nah, I'm just kiddin'. 407 00:17:12,429 --> 00:17:15,162 He's dead. 408 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:18,666 But aren't you proud of me? I mean, I did what you said. 409 00:17:18,668 --> 00:17:20,468 I'm standing on my own two feet. 410 00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:23,354 Yeah. (chuckles) 411 00:17:23,356 --> 00:17:24,789 Sucker. 412 00:17:26,859 --> 00:17:28,109 What? 413 00:17:28,111 --> 00:17:30,194 I had to come back from hell to do it, 414 00:17:30,196 --> 00:17:33,531 but I finally gotcha out of my freakin' house! 415 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,535 But I-I-I thought you wanted me to be a better person. 416 00:17:37,537 --> 00:17:39,487 Nope. 417 00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:41,689 What? So you were just screwing with me? 418 00:17:41,691 --> 00:17:43,357 Yep. 419 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,192 Why? 420 00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:49,464 I'm in hell, Alan. That's kind of what we do. 421 00:17:49,466 --> 00:17:51,215 Whoa! 422 00:17:51,217 --> 00:17:53,635 What a horrible dream. 423 00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:56,554 What's so horrible about it? 424 00:17:56,556 --> 00:17:57,672 (gasps) 425 00:17:57,674 --> 00:17:59,424 (sighs) 426 00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:02,209 Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo. 427 00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:04,512 Still here. 428 00:18:04,514 --> 00:18:06,681 (snorts) 429 00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:09,517 I can do this aaalll night. 430 00:18:13,388 --> 00:18:15,690 Men... 431 00:18:18,193 --> 00:18:20,244 (sighs) Okay. 432 00:18:21,396 --> 00:18:25,083 How do we sell this? Uh... 433 00:18:29,088 --> 00:18:30,788 911... 434 00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:32,740 911! 435 00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:35,927 Come on. You can do better than that. Uh... 436 00:18:35,929 --> 00:18:37,261 Ah... 437 00:18:37,263 --> 00:18:38,563 (gasps) 438 00:18:41,517 --> 00:18:43,751 (panting): Help me. 439 00:18:43,753 --> 00:18:45,019 Call 911. 440 00:18:45,021 --> 00:18:45,887 (grunting) 441 00:18:45,889 --> 00:18:48,723 Am I dying or taking a dump? 442 00:18:51,694 --> 00:18:53,277 Ah. 443 00:18:55,030 --> 00:18:58,533 Call 911... Call 911... 444 00:18:58,535 --> 00:19:00,201 Yeah, that's it. Okay. 445 00:19:00,203 --> 00:19:03,437 Showtime. 446 00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:04,739 (knocking) 447 00:19:06,792 --> 00:19:08,159 Alan... 448 00:19:08,161 --> 00:19:09,794 Don't, don't worry. I'm not moving back in. 449 00:19:09,796 --> 00:19:11,412 I just forgot a few things. 450 00:19:11,414 --> 00:19:12,630 Yeah, like your son? 451 00:19:12,632 --> 00:19:14,816 Wait. Jake's here? 452 00:19:14,818 --> 00:19:16,217 Yeah, and his girlfriend. 453 00:19:16,219 --> 00:19:18,586 Ah, (scoffs) you know, damn that kid. 454 00:19:18,588 --> 00:19:21,789 I told him I was moving out and he was not to come back here. 455 00:19:21,791 --> 00:19:24,041 But does he listen to me? No. 456 00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:27,145 You know, no one ever listens to me and I... 457 00:19:30,349 --> 00:19:31,566 Call 911. 458 00:19:31,568 --> 00:19:33,267 Call 911. Oh, no, not again. 459 00:19:33,269 --> 00:19:34,819 Hold on. I'll get help. 460 00:19:36,822 --> 00:19:38,623 Son of a bitch. 461 00:19:40,192 --> 00:19:42,977 What's the matter? Couldn't find a shark? 462 00:19:47,930 --> 00:19:49,364 Men... 463 00:19:50,309 --> 00:19:51,642 So, what do you think, Doc? 464 00:19:51,644 --> 00:19:53,710 We won't know until we get all the tests back, 465 00:19:53,712 --> 00:19:55,796 but right now, his heart appears to be perfectly fine. 466 00:19:55,798 --> 00:19:57,498 WALDEN (sighs): Thank God. 467 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,017 So how long before I can take him home? 468 00:19:59,042 --> 00:19:59,984 ZOEY: Walden? 469 00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:02,435 I am sorry, Zoey, but I am not going to have 470 00:20:02,437 --> 00:20:04,705 this man's death on my conscience. 471 00:20:10,245 --> 00:20:12,162 I'd like to thank the Academy. 472 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,118 There are no small parts... 473 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,053 only small apartments. 474 00:20:29,013 --> 00:20:31,064 I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here. 475 00:20:31,066 --> 00:20:34,318 Does that include the joint you just blew in the bathroom? 476 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,403 How'd you know about that? 477 00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:38,739 Call it women's intuition, taterhead. 478 00:20:38,741 --> 00:20:41,325 Whoa, the only person that ever called me "taterhead" 479 00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:42,642 was my uncle Charlie. 480 00:20:42,644 --> 00:20:45,679 So, what does that tell ya? 481 00:20:46,948 --> 00:20:48,648 I have no idea. 482 00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:52,152 Screw it. I'm going back to hell. 483 00:20:55,089 --> 00:20:56,540 Ready, ladies? 484 00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:58,091 You bet. We are. 485 00:20:58,093 --> 00:21:00,493 Then let's go. 486 00:21:00,495 --> 00:21:03,881 And me with with just a nutsack. 487 00:21:03,883 --> 00:21:07,883 == sync, corrected by elderman ==