00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:01,308 --> 00:00:02,942
Previously on:
2
00:00:03,186 --> 00:00:05,895
It's spring break this week,
so Zoey and her daughter
3
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:06,757
are going to stay here.
4
00:00:06,758 --> 00:00:08,786
I'm going to need you
to move out for the week.
5
00:00:08,811 --> 00:00:09,477
(grunts)
6
00:00:09,478 --> 00:00:10,376
Where you staying?
7
00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:11,412
I'm just going to have
to stay with Lindsey.
8
00:00:11,413 --> 00:00:13,881
There's someone
in the house. Go look.
9
00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:17,851
Ow!
What?!
10
00:00:17,853 --> 00:00:19,520
I'm sorry!
11
00:00:19,522 --> 00:00:22,055
No, no, don't touch it!
12
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,424
I'm bored.
13
00:00:24,426 --> 00:00:26,927
♪ ♪
14
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I can't do this, Berta.
It's just too much.
15
00:00:34,019 --> 00:00:35,519
She just never stops.
16
00:00:35,521 --> 00:00:38,705
So, how are things going living
with Zoey and her daughter?
17
00:00:38,707 --> 00:00:39,907
It's good. It's good.
18
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,124
Oh.
19
00:00:41,126 --> 00:00:42,859
How's living with Lyndsey?
20
00:00:42,861 --> 00:00:45,462
Oh, it's terrific.
That's great.
21
00:00:45,464 --> 00:00:48,382
So, if I could get rid of them...
Yes, 100 times yes.
22
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,387
Men...
23
00:00:53,389 --> 00:00:54,871
Okay.
24
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,208
Zoey...
25
00:00:58,210 --> 00:01:00,143
you know I love you, and...
26
00:01:00,145 --> 00:01:02,729
I want to live with you forever.
27
00:01:02,731 --> 00:01:04,431
But we got to lose the kid.
28
00:01:07,402 --> 00:01:09,987
Yeah, probably not.
(clears throat) Okay.
29
00:01:09,989 --> 00:01:13,223
Hey, have you ever thought
of Swiss boarding schools?
30
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,393
Hi!
Sh...
31
00:01:16,395 --> 00:01:17,945
She's out like a light.
32
00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:22,065
Really? How?
Did you drug her?
33
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:25,168
I didn't think
we were allowed to drug her.
34
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:27,588
She's worn out
from playing with you all day.
35
00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:29,506
She's not the only one.
36
00:01:29,508 --> 00:01:33,293
(stammering)
Listen...
37
00:01:33,295 --> 00:01:34,428
I've been thinking about this
38
00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:38,081
whole "moving in together"
thing.
39
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:41,268
It's all right.
I admit, I had my doubts.
40
00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:44,137
But you have been
so wonderful with her.
41
00:01:44,139 --> 00:01:45,973
Thank you.
44
00:01:49,945 --> 00:01:52,029
You're all she talks about.
45
00:01:52,031 --> 00:01:54,481
The sun rises and sets with you.
46
00:01:54,483 --> 00:01:56,967
Huh...
47
00:01:58,620 --> 00:02:00,220
Look at what she made for you.
48
00:02:03,575 --> 00:02:06,610
Wow...
49
00:02:06,612 --> 00:02:09,246
So, you win.
We're all yours.
50
00:02:09,248 --> 00:02:10,297
I mean,
51
00:02:10,299 --> 00:02:11,882
there's a million details
to figure out
52
00:02:11,884 --> 00:02:13,433
before we can move in
permanently.
53
00:02:13,435 --> 00:02:15,519
First and foremost, where she's
going to go to school.
54
00:02:15,521 --> 00:02:18,188
Have you ever considered
Switzerland?
55
00:02:18,190 --> 00:02:20,090
(laughs)
You're kidding, right?
56
00:02:20,092 --> 00:02:23,126
I'm ki.. of course!
(chuckles)
57
00:02:23,128 --> 00:02:26,263
Why would I want her
so far away?
58
00:02:26,265 --> 00:02:29,399
Let me put her up to bed.
Then we can start making plans.
59
00:02:29,401 --> 00:02:30,634
Great.
60
00:02:30,636 --> 00:02:32,069
Mommy?
Hmm?
61
00:02:32,071 --> 00:02:33,153
Where's Walden?
62
00:02:33,155 --> 00:02:34,655
Oh, I'm right here.
63
00:02:34,657 --> 00:02:37,074
I love you, Walden.
64
00:02:38,026 --> 00:02:40,277
I love you...
65
00:02:40,279 --> 00:02:41,662
(chuckles)
66
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,752
Just like I planned it.
67
00:02:48,754 --> 00:02:51,271
(knocking)
68
00:02:53,758 --> 00:02:55,542
Hey, roomie!
69
00:02:55,544 --> 00:02:57,427
You got here quick.
70
00:02:57,429 --> 00:02:59,346
Yeah, Lyndsey asked me
to fix the garbage disposal
71
00:02:59,348 --> 00:03:02,165
and I didn't like the odds.
72
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:04,000
So, uh, did you talk
to Zoey yet?
73
00:03:04,002 --> 00:03:05,268
Yes, I did.
74
00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:06,019
How'd she take it?
75
00:03:06,021 --> 00:03:07,804
Well, I... yeah, let's...
76
00:03:07,806 --> 00:03:09,673
Did she cry?
77
00:03:09,675 --> 00:03:11,341
No...
Yelling?
78
00:03:11,343 --> 00:03:13,060
No. There was no yelling.
79
00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:16,396
Yeah, I know that I said
that I wanted to get rid of her
80
00:03:16,398 --> 00:03:17,981
and have you come back...
81
00:03:17,983 --> 00:03:19,449
Oh, no!
82
00:03:19,451 --> 00:03:21,451
You know, I, I love her.
83
00:03:21,453 --> 00:03:22,869
Oh, no!
84
00:03:22,871 --> 00:03:24,655
And I, I love the kid.
85
00:03:24,657 --> 00:03:25,872
No!
86
00:03:25,874 --> 00:03:27,574
I'm just going
to have to make it work.
87
00:03:27,576 --> 00:03:29,376
No, no, no, no, no, no!
88
00:03:29,378 --> 00:03:31,861
Alan, I'm sorry.
89
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:36,416
Okay, okay, I'll...
I'll figure something out.
90
00:03:36,418 --> 00:03:39,553
If nothing else,
I am a survivor.
91
00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,094
(snorting)
92
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,396
Okay, very funny.
Survivor, I get it.
93
00:03:49,398 --> 00:03:51,431
(panting)
94
00:03:51,433 --> 00:03:54,685
Oh, come on!
I feel bad enough already.
95
00:03:54,687 --> 00:03:56,319
Help me...
96
00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:57,521
911!
97
00:03:57,523 --> 00:03:59,022
Oh, okay. I'll play along.
98
00:03:59,024 --> 00:04:01,692
Here, would 100 dollars
99
00:04:01,694 --> 00:04:03,160
make you better?
100
00:04:03,945 --> 00:04:05,395
You're not kidding?
(panting)
101
00:04:05,397 --> 00:04:06,863
Not kidding...
102
00:04:06,865 --> 00:04:08,498
Don't die.
103
00:04:20,795 --> 00:04:23,180
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
104
00:04:23,182 --> 00:04:25,922
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
105
00:04:25,923 --> 00:04:28,923
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x22 ♪
Why We Gave Up Women
Original Air Date on April 30, 2012
106
00:04:28,924 --> 00:04:31,924
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
107
00:04:31,925 --> 00:04:34,194
I want him to have
the best possible care.
108
00:04:34,196 --> 00:04:36,529
So, whatever it takes,
I'll pay for it.
109
00:04:36,531 --> 00:04:38,097
(chuckles)
You're going to have to.
110
00:04:38,099 --> 00:04:41,534
The man's got the worst
insurance policy I've ever seen.
111
00:04:41,536 --> 00:04:45,205
What do you mean?
He's got a $500,000 deductible.
112
00:04:45,207 --> 00:04:47,574
A $500,000 deductible?
113
00:04:47,576 --> 00:04:49,042
Even at our prices,
he ain't gonna
114
00:04:49,044 --> 00:04:50,710
hit that with
one heart attack.
115
00:04:50,712 --> 00:04:53,329
All right, well, I'll just...
I'll take care of it.
116
00:04:53,331 --> 00:04:55,949
Just check the box
"Domestic Partner."
117
00:04:55,951 --> 00:04:59,419
Oh, no, we're just buddies.
118
00:04:59,421 --> 00:05:01,704
We got no buddy forms.
119
00:05:01,706 --> 00:05:04,807
Yeah, but...
Just check the damn box.
120
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:14,017
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
121
00:05:14,019 --> 00:05:17,403
I guess there's nothing
to do now but wait.
122
00:05:17,405 --> 00:05:19,639
Forgive me
for being callous,
123
00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:22,325
but don't you think this heart
attack is a bit convenient?
124
00:05:22,327 --> 00:05:24,360
What?
Come on.
125
00:05:24,362 --> 00:05:26,529
He tries to weasel his way
back into the house.
126
00:05:26,531 --> 00:05:27,747
You tell him no
127
00:05:27,749 --> 00:05:29,999
and he falls to the ground,
clutching his chest.
128
00:05:30,001 --> 00:05:32,201
You think he faked
a heart attack?
129
00:05:32,203 --> 00:05:35,171
I think he'd fake
a shark attack.
130
00:05:35,173 --> 00:05:36,989
How do you fake
a shark attack?
131
00:05:36,991 --> 00:05:39,992
I don't know. Ask Alan.
132
00:05:39,994 --> 00:05:41,827
Harper?
133
00:05:41,829 --> 00:05:43,763
Yeah, right here.
134
00:05:43,765 --> 00:05:46,332
Okay, well, your boyfriend's
going to be fine.
135
00:05:46,334 --> 00:05:47,884
(sighs) That's great.
136
00:05:47,886 --> 00:05:49,185
Uh, he's not my...
137
00:05:49,187 --> 00:05:50,687
It's great.
138
00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:53,139
It was the form.
It was just easier.
139
00:05:53,141 --> 00:05:56,893
Um, did he actually
have a heart attack?
140
00:05:56,895 --> 00:05:59,612
It was a mild one, but yes.
Told you.
141
00:06:00,597 --> 00:06:02,398
He should be fine.
He's just going to need rest
142
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,650
and as little stress
as possible.
143
00:06:03,652 --> 00:06:05,318
For how long?
144
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,203
I don't know,
at least a month or two.
145
00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:09,205
Great...
146
00:06:09,207 --> 00:06:11,708
That's why we gave up women.
Am I right?
147
00:06:13,327 --> 00:06:14,727
It's a compelling argument.
148
00:06:22,152 --> 00:06:23,536
Hi.
149
00:06:23,538 --> 00:06:26,005
Hi, Walden.
150
00:06:26,007 --> 00:06:27,640
How ya feelin'?
151
00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:30,076
Fan-tastic.
152
00:06:30,078 --> 00:06:32,595
I'm on a morphine drip.
153
00:06:34,548 --> 00:06:38,718
Everyone should have
a morphine drip.
154
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,721
There would be no more war.
155
00:06:41,723 --> 00:06:44,240
Listen, the doctor said
156
00:06:44,242 --> 00:06:47,527
that you... had
a little heart attack,
157
00:06:47,529 --> 00:06:48,995
but you're going to be fine.
158
00:06:48,997 --> 00:06:51,464
(heart monitor beeping steadily)
Oh, yeah.
159
00:06:51,466 --> 00:06:53,499
Yeah, I remember now.
160
00:06:53,501 --> 00:06:55,785
Zoey's moving in and...
161
00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:58,070
I'm... I'm moving out.
162
00:06:58,072 --> 00:07:00,056
(heart monitor beeping faster)
163
00:07:01,408 --> 00:07:03,242
No, you're not moving out.
164
00:07:03,244 --> 00:07:04,877
I'm-I'm not?
165
00:07:04,879 --> 00:07:08,247
No, you can stay as long as you
want. As long as you need.
166
00:07:08,249 --> 00:07:09,682
Oh.
167
00:07:09,684 --> 00:07:12,802
(heart monitor beeping slowing)
168
00:07:12,804 --> 00:07:15,605
Oh, that's...
that's so good to hear.
169
00:07:15,607 --> 00:07:18,107
Thataboy.
170
00:07:18,109 --> 00:07:21,611
I just... I just want you
to not worry about anything.
171
00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:22,612
I won't.
172
00:07:22,614 --> 00:07:24,263
Okay.
173
00:07:24,265 --> 00:07:26,265
You just relax
and feel better, okay?
174
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:28,234
Okeydokey.
175
00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,772
Hey, Walden. Guess what?
176
00:07:32,774 --> 00:07:33,939
What?
177
00:07:33,941 --> 00:07:37,727
I'm peeing right now.
178
00:07:37,729 --> 00:07:39,362
No kidding.
179
00:07:39,364 --> 00:07:41,280
But it's okay.
180
00:07:41,282 --> 00:07:45,835
There's a tube
attached to my wiener.
181
00:07:49,757 --> 00:07:51,941
I don't think there is.
182
00:07:55,229 --> 00:07:57,463
Oh...
183
00:07:58,482 --> 00:07:59,982
Men...
184
00:07:59,984 --> 00:08:02,935
EVELYN: My God. He's going to be okay?
WALDEN: Yeah.
185
00:08:02,937 --> 00:08:04,520
He just needs
to take it easy.
186
00:08:04,522 --> 00:08:06,439
(sighs) I don't know
what I would do
187
00:08:06,441 --> 00:08:07,973
if anything
happened to him.
188
00:08:07,975 --> 00:08:10,359
(Evelyn sniffles)
189
00:08:10,361 --> 00:08:12,528
I've already lost my good son!
190
00:08:15,616 --> 00:08:18,251
Do you happen to know
if they validate parking?
191
00:08:21,655 --> 00:08:23,589
JAKE: So, are those tubes
putting stuff in
192
00:08:23,591 --> 00:08:24,841
or taking stuff out?
193
00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:26,826
I think
a little bit of both.
194
00:08:26,828 --> 00:08:28,261
Oh, I get it.
195
00:08:28,263 --> 00:08:31,264
It's like eating
on the toilet.
196
00:08:31,266 --> 00:08:32,982
(whispering):
So, what did the doctor say?
197
00:08:32,984 --> 00:08:35,268
Uh, he just said
he needs to take it easy.
198
00:08:35,270 --> 00:08:36,436
You know, no stress.
199
00:08:36,438 --> 00:08:38,037
JAKE: Then I guess
we shouldn't tell him
200
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,205
about what happened
at school.
201
00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:41,941
JUDITH: No, we definitely
should not.
202
00:08:41,943 --> 00:08:44,844
Honest to God, someone
put that pot in my locker.
203
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:47,897
Why would they do that?
204
00:08:47,899 --> 00:08:51,584
That, my friend,
is the million-dollar question.
205
00:08:55,038 --> 00:08:56,155
Look, Lyndsey,
206
00:08:56,157 --> 00:08:57,457
I know you're his girlfriend,
207
00:08:57,459 --> 00:08:59,759
and I know you'd like
to take care of him, but...
208
00:08:59,761 --> 00:09:02,261
I kind of feel
responsible for this.
209
00:09:02,263 --> 00:09:05,081
And I'd like him to stay
with me until he recovers.
210
00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:07,216
Fine. Let's go
get some coffee.
211
00:09:11,839 --> 00:09:13,706
Men...
212
00:09:14,541 --> 00:09:15,892
WOMAN:
Wake up, Alan.
213
00:09:15,894 --> 00:09:18,544
(chuckling moan)
214
00:09:18,546 --> 00:09:22,548
Is it spongebath time again?
215
00:09:22,550 --> 00:09:24,817
You wish.
216
00:09:30,607 --> 00:09:32,108
What's going on?
217
00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:33,225
Who are you?
218
00:09:33,227 --> 00:09:35,695
Ah, Alan, that hurts.
219
00:09:35,697 --> 00:09:38,080
Don't you recognize
your own brother?
220
00:09:46,782 --> 00:09:48,099
Men...
221
00:09:48,101 --> 00:09:49,884
What is this,
some kind of sick joke?
222
00:09:49,886 --> 00:09:51,636
Charlie's dead.
223
00:09:51,638 --> 00:09:54,990
You're dubious. Understandable.
224
00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:56,558
When you were 14 years old,
225
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,426
you went to your first
boy/girl party,
226
00:09:58,428 --> 00:09:59,611
and you were really nervous
227
00:09:59,613 --> 00:10:01,062
because they were going to play
spin the bottle.
228
00:10:01,064 --> 00:10:01,896
Yeah?
229
00:10:01,898 --> 00:10:03,331
So, before you left the house,
230
00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:05,867
I convinced you that
the grownup way to French-kiss
231
00:10:05,869 --> 00:10:08,003
was to spit in the
other person's mouth.
232
00:10:09,789 --> 00:10:12,457
You hocked a big loogie
down Marcy Bilson's throat
233
00:10:12,459 --> 00:10:14,342
and she'd kicked you
in the nuts.
234
00:10:14,344 --> 00:10:17,579
Ah, come on, everybody in
high school knew that story.
235
00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:19,464
Answer me this:
236
00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:22,300
What are your five favorite
words to hear from a woman?
237
00:10:22,302 --> 00:10:25,737
"I can't spend the night."
238
00:10:26,439 --> 00:10:28,440
(whispers)
Charlie...
239
00:10:28,442 --> 00:10:30,758
At your service.
240
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,928
I don't...
I don't understand.
241
00:10:32,930 --> 00:10:35,430
Are you reincarnated
or something?
242
00:10:35,432 --> 00:10:37,449
Nah, I'm in hell.
243
00:10:39,952 --> 00:10:42,404
Walking around
in this old broad's body
244
00:10:42,406 --> 00:10:45,607
is supposed to be some kind
of eternal damnation.
245
00:10:46,876 --> 00:10:47,792
You know what?
246
00:10:47,794 --> 00:10:49,544
The joke's on them.
247
00:10:49,546 --> 00:10:52,080
Boobs are still boobs.
248
00:10:54,584 --> 00:10:56,084
So, why are you here?
249
00:10:56,086 --> 00:10:57,669
I thought you could use
a little help.
250
00:10:57,671 --> 00:10:59,271
I have been through
a rough patch.
251
00:10:59,273 --> 00:11:01,773
You look like you've been
through a propeller.
252
00:11:03,042 --> 00:11:05,126
I came here to tell you
it's not too late
253
00:11:05,128 --> 00:11:06,144
to turn your life around.
254
00:11:06,146 --> 00:11:06,962
How?
255
00:11:06,964 --> 00:11:08,647
Stop being a parasite.
256
00:11:08,649 --> 00:11:11,433
Step up. Be a man.
Grow a pair.
257
00:11:12,501 --> 00:11:15,637
Uh, parenthetically,
this body actually has a pair.
258
00:11:16,989 --> 00:11:19,407
They dangle
right under my hooha.
259
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:25,113
Did not need to know that.
260
00:11:25,115 --> 00:11:27,949
Point being, you lived on me
for eight years
261
00:11:27,951 --> 00:11:29,701
and now you're
living off this new guy.
262
00:11:29,703 --> 00:11:31,653
Now, now, hang on.
W-Walden's my friend.
263
00:11:31,655 --> 00:11:33,371
He invited me
to stay with him.
264
00:11:33,373 --> 00:11:36,324
Oh, kiss my
surprisingly tight ass.
265
00:11:36,326 --> 00:11:38,593
You're nobody's friend.
266
00:11:38,595 --> 00:11:41,546
You're a useless appendage,
like tonsils,
267
00:11:41,548 --> 00:11:44,933
or the nutsack
under my hooha.
268
00:11:44,935 --> 00:11:48,386
I see hell hasn't
mellowed you out any.
269
00:11:48,388 --> 00:11:50,105
Listen to me,
you got to get out
270
00:11:50,107 --> 00:11:52,524
of that guy's house
and make a life for yourself.
271
00:11:52,526 --> 00:11:54,359
I suppose I could go
live with Lyndsey.
272
00:11:54,361 --> 00:11:56,010
You're missing my point.
273
00:11:56,012 --> 00:11:58,029
I'm not suggesting
that the tapeworm
274
00:11:58,031 --> 00:12:00,482
find a new colon
to crawl into.
275
00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:03,218
Hold out your hand.
276
00:12:04,987 --> 00:12:06,871
Thank you.
277
00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,024
This is your last chance, Alan.
278
00:12:10,026 --> 00:12:11,993
Move out of that house.
Get your own place.
279
00:12:11,995 --> 00:12:13,712
Start pulling your own weight
in the world.
280
00:12:13,714 --> 00:12:15,380
Okay. I will.
281
00:12:15,382 --> 00:12:17,299
You'll see.
I can change.
282
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:18,800
Good.
283
00:12:18,802 --> 00:12:20,368
Then my work here is done.
284
00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:22,203
Well, thanks, Charlie.
285
00:12:22,205 --> 00:12:23,722
You got it.
286
00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:27,208
Oh, uh, (chuckles)
287
00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:28,393
Before I go...
288
00:12:29,312 --> 00:12:30,878
(unzipping):
...you gotta check this out.
289
00:12:31,597 --> 00:12:32,480
Oh!
290
00:12:32,482 --> 00:12:34,048
Oh!
291
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:35,717
Was I lying?
292
00:12:35,719 --> 00:12:38,086
Tell me that's not disturbing.
293
00:12:45,728 --> 00:12:47,729
Men...
294
00:12:47,731 --> 00:12:49,364
What do you want me
to do, Zoey?
295
00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:52,000
The last time I asked him
to leave, he almost died.
296
00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,201
Well, what does that mean?
297
00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,420
He lives with you
until he actually does die?
298
00:12:55,422 --> 00:12:58,039
No, just until he
gets back on his feet.
299
00:12:58,041 --> 00:13:00,091
The man has no feet.
300
00:13:00,093 --> 00:13:02,010
He is a footless man.
301
00:13:02,012 --> 00:13:03,678
Okay, come on.
302
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,348
What about his mother?
Why doesn't he live with her?
303
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:07,549
They don't really get along.
304
00:13:07,551 --> 00:13:09,134
What about his girlfriend?
305
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,252
They don't really get along.
306
00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:12,721
Oh, God.
307
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:14,389
So we're stuck with him forever.
308
00:13:14,391 --> 00:13:18,560
The man is the herpes
of houseguests.
309
00:13:18,562 --> 00:13:19,978
(doorbell rings)
310
00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:21,546
Come on.
That is not fair.
311
00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:22,614
You're right.
312
00:13:22,616 --> 00:13:24,949
Herpes sometimes disappears
for a while.
313
00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:27,869
Surprise!
314
00:13:27,871 --> 00:13:28,903
Alan.
315
00:13:28,905 --> 00:13:30,905
Herpes.
316
00:13:30,907 --> 00:13:32,273
What? They let you out?
317
00:13:32,275 --> 00:13:34,108
Oh, no, no.
I checked myself out.
318
00:13:34,110 --> 00:13:35,894
I didn't want you to have
to pay one more penny for me.
319
00:13:35,896 --> 00:13:36,944
Oh, come on.
320
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,112
The money is not important.
321
00:13:38,114 --> 00:13:39,464
What's important
is your health.
322
00:13:39,466 --> 00:13:41,499
No, what's important
is that I stop being a parasite
323
00:13:41,501 --> 00:13:42,667
and stand on my own two feet.
324
00:13:42,669 --> 00:13:44,469
ZOEY:
You have no feet.
325
00:13:45,838 --> 00:13:47,255
What was that?
326
00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:48,339
It's Zoey.
327
00:13:48,341 --> 00:13:50,291
I'll be right there, honey.
328
00:13:50,293 --> 00:13:53,178
I'm just going to grab my stuff,
and I'll get out of your hair.
329
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,412
Are you sure?
330
00:13:54,414 --> 00:13:56,848
I am positive, Walden.
I-I have had an epiphany.
331
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:58,983
I need to make a big change
in my life.
332
00:13:58,985 --> 00:14:00,819
Wow.
333
00:14:00,821 --> 00:14:01,986
Where will you go?
334
00:14:01,988 --> 00:14:03,905
Oh, I found a cute little place
online.
335
00:14:03,907 --> 00:14:05,240
Uh, you know, it's not much,
336
00:14:05,242 --> 00:14:07,358
but, uh, at least
I'll have my pride.
337
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,827
I don't know, Alan.
338
00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:12,313
Let the man have his pride!
339
00:14:12,315 --> 00:14:15,834
Uh, here's my address
for mailing stuff.
340
00:14:17,253 --> 00:14:18,787
If this is what you want...
341
00:14:18,789 --> 00:14:19,587
It's what I want.
342
00:14:19,589 --> 00:14:21,289
It's what everybody wants!
343
00:14:23,175 --> 00:14:24,492
Don't listen to her.
344
00:14:24,494 --> 00:14:26,761
Oh, no, no.
She's right.
345
00:14:26,763 --> 00:14:29,881
She's an angry,
cold-hearted tea bag!
346
00:14:29,883 --> 00:14:32,517
But she's right.
347
00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:34,886
What did he say?
348
00:14:34,888 --> 00:14:37,222
He said that you were right.
349
00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:40,975
Men...
350
00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:43,511
No, Jake.
351
00:14:43,513 --> 00:14:44,946
If I'm not living
at the beach house,
352
00:14:44,948 --> 00:14:46,648
you're not living
at the beach house.
353
00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:49,534
Yeah, well, sometimes
life just isn't fair.
354
00:14:49,536 --> 00:14:52,871
Well, sure you can visit me
where I'm living now.
355
00:14:52,873 --> 00:14:54,956
But, uh, you're not going
to have your own room
356
00:14:54,958 --> 00:14:57,024
or your own bed
or your own bathroom
357
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,694
and... you might need
to have a tetanus shot.
358
00:15:02,164 --> 00:15:04,349
But I'd love to have you.
359
00:15:04,351 --> 00:15:06,551
Okay, you let me know.
360
00:15:06,553 --> 00:15:09,387
Okay, good night.
361
00:15:13,509 --> 00:15:15,209
All right.
362
00:15:15,211 --> 00:15:17,262
It's not much, but...
363
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:18,480
it's mine.
364
00:15:20,683 --> 00:15:22,901
I am self-sufficient.
365
00:15:25,354 --> 00:15:28,273
And beholden to no one.
366
00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:35,830
(caws)
367
00:15:35,832 --> 00:15:38,833
Oh, that's not a good sign.
368
00:15:38,835 --> 00:15:41,669
(cawing)
369
00:15:41,671 --> 00:15:43,505
Men...
370
00:15:44,456 --> 00:15:45,957
ZOEY:
It's odd...
371
00:15:45,959 --> 00:15:47,575
But now that
Alan's finally gone,
372
00:15:47,577 --> 00:15:49,294
I actually kind of miss him.
373
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:50,628
Yeah, me too.
374
00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:52,096
Walden, I'm kidding.
375
00:15:53,749 --> 00:15:54,749
Oh, yeah, me too.
376
00:15:54,751 --> 00:15:56,301
(chuckles)
377
00:15:58,721 --> 00:16:00,138
So...
378
00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:02,273
Now that we have the house
to ourselves,
379
00:16:02,275 --> 00:16:03,474
what would you like to do?
380
00:16:03,476 --> 00:16:05,443
What I would like to do
381
00:16:05,445 --> 00:16:07,495
is you.
382
00:16:08,948 --> 00:16:10,615
And where I would like to do it,
383
00:16:10,617 --> 00:16:12,700
is on every flat surface
384
00:16:12,702 --> 00:16:14,936
in every room of this house.
385
00:16:14,938 --> 00:16:16,871
Mm.
Mm.
386
00:16:16,873 --> 00:16:18,439
Woo. Hey.
387
00:16:18,441 --> 00:16:20,942
Oh. Jake.
388
00:16:20,944 --> 00:16:21,876
This is my friend, Gabby.
389
00:16:21,878 --> 00:16:24,779
Hi!
(giggles)
390
00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:26,748
We're going to go hang out
in my room.
391
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,416
Uh, Jake, uh,
392
00:16:28,418 --> 00:16:29,918
hold on.
393
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,286
Have you spoken
to your father lately?
394
00:16:32,288 --> 00:16:34,789
No, I don't believe I have.
395
00:16:37,509 --> 00:16:38,810
Look at the bright side.
396
00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:40,261
What bright side?
397
00:16:40,263 --> 00:16:43,398
He might share some
of his pot with us.
398
00:16:44,733 --> 00:16:47,268
Men...
399
00:16:50,239 --> 00:16:53,174
CHARLIE:
Wake up, buttercup.
400
00:16:54,977 --> 00:16:57,695
Oh. Hey, Charlie.
401
00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:02,283
So, what do you think?
402
00:17:02,285 --> 00:17:04,252
I finally got my own place.
403
00:17:04,254 --> 00:17:06,170
Fantastic.
404
00:17:06,172 --> 00:17:08,640
You're not sponging off
that rat, are you?
405
00:17:10,292 --> 00:17:11,259
There's a rat?
406
00:17:11,261 --> 00:17:12,427
Nah, I'm just kiddin'.
407
00:17:12,429 --> 00:17:15,162
He's dead.
408
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:18,666
But aren't you proud of me?
I mean, I did what you said.
409
00:17:18,668 --> 00:17:20,468
I'm standing
on my own two feet.
410
00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:23,354
Yeah. (chuckles)
411
00:17:23,356 --> 00:17:24,789
Sucker.
412
00:17:26,859 --> 00:17:28,109
What?
413
00:17:28,111 --> 00:17:30,194
I had to come back
from hell to do it,
414
00:17:30,196 --> 00:17:33,531
but I finally gotcha
out of my freakin' house!
415
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,535
But I-I-I thought you wanted me
to be a better person.
416
00:17:37,537 --> 00:17:39,487
Nope.
417
00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:41,689
What? So you were just
screwing with me?
418
00:17:41,691 --> 00:17:43,357
Yep.
419
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,192
Why?
420
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:49,464
I'm in hell, Alan.
That's kind of what we do.
421
00:17:49,466 --> 00:17:51,215
Whoa!
422
00:17:51,217 --> 00:17:53,635
What a horrible dream.
423
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:56,554
What's so horrible about it?
424
00:17:56,556 --> 00:17:57,672
(gasps)
425
00:17:57,674 --> 00:17:59,424
(sighs)
426
00:17:59,426 --> 00:18:02,209
Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.
427
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:04,512
Still here.
428
00:18:04,514 --> 00:18:06,681
(snorts)
429
00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:09,517
I can do this aaalll night.
430
00:18:13,388 --> 00:18:15,690
Men...
431
00:18:18,193 --> 00:18:20,244
(sighs)
Okay.
432
00:18:21,396 --> 00:18:25,083
How do we sell this?
Uh...
433
00:18:29,088 --> 00:18:30,788
911...
434
00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:32,740
911!
435
00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:35,927
Come on. You can
do better than that. Uh...
436
00:18:35,929 --> 00:18:37,261
Ah...
437
00:18:37,263 --> 00:18:38,563
(gasps)
438
00:18:41,517 --> 00:18:43,751
(panting):
Help me.
439
00:18:43,753 --> 00:18:45,019
Call 911.
440
00:18:45,021 --> 00:18:45,887
(grunting)
441
00:18:45,889 --> 00:18:48,723
Am I dying
or taking a dump?
442
00:18:51,694 --> 00:18:53,277
Ah.
443
00:18:55,030 --> 00:18:58,533
Call 911...
Call 911...
444
00:18:58,535 --> 00:19:00,201
Yeah, that's it. Okay.
445
00:19:00,203 --> 00:19:03,437
Showtime.
446
00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:04,739
(knocking)
447
00:19:06,792 --> 00:19:08,159
Alan...
448
00:19:08,161 --> 00:19:09,794
Don't, don't worry.
I'm not moving back in.
449
00:19:09,796 --> 00:19:11,412
I just forgot a few things.
450
00:19:11,414 --> 00:19:12,630
Yeah, like your son?
451
00:19:12,632 --> 00:19:14,816
Wait. Jake's here?
452
00:19:14,818 --> 00:19:16,217
Yeah, and his girlfriend.
453
00:19:16,219 --> 00:19:18,586
Ah, (scoffs) you know,
damn that kid.
454
00:19:18,588 --> 00:19:21,789
I told him I was moving out and
he was not to come back here.
455
00:19:21,791 --> 00:19:24,041
But does he listen to me? No.
456
00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:27,145
You know, no one ever
listens to me and I...
457
00:19:30,349 --> 00:19:31,566
Call 911.
458
00:19:31,568 --> 00:19:33,267
Call 911.
Oh, no, not again.
459
00:19:33,269 --> 00:19:34,819
Hold on.
I'll get help.
460
00:19:36,822 --> 00:19:38,623
Son of a bitch.
461
00:19:40,192 --> 00:19:42,977
What's the matter?
Couldn't find a shark?
462
00:19:47,930 --> 00:19:49,364
Men...
463
00:19:50,309 --> 00:19:51,642
So, what do you think, Doc?
464
00:19:51,644 --> 00:19:53,710
We won't know until
we get all the tests back,
465
00:19:53,712 --> 00:19:55,796
but right now, his heart
appears to be perfectly fine.
466
00:19:55,798 --> 00:19:57,498
WALDEN (sighs):
Thank God.
467
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,017
So how long before
I can take him home?
468
00:19:59,042 --> 00:19:59,984
ZOEY: Walden?
469
00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:02,435
I am sorry, Zoey,
but I am not going to have
470
00:20:02,437 --> 00:20:04,705
this man's death
on my conscience.
471
00:20:10,245 --> 00:20:12,162
I'd like to thank the Academy.
472
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,118
There are no small parts...
473
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,053
only small apartments.
474
00:20:29,013 --> 00:20:31,064
I don't think you're allowed
to smoke in here.
475
00:20:31,066 --> 00:20:34,318
Does that include the joint
you just blew in the bathroom?
476
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,403
How'd you know about that?
477
00:20:36,405 --> 00:20:38,739
Call it women's intuition,
taterhead.
478
00:20:38,741 --> 00:20:41,325
Whoa, the only person
that ever called me "taterhead"
479
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:42,642
was my uncle Charlie.
480
00:20:42,644 --> 00:20:45,679
So, what does that
tell ya?
481
00:20:46,948 --> 00:20:48,648
I have no idea.
482
00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:52,152
Screw it.
I'm going back to hell.
483
00:20:55,089 --> 00:20:56,540
Ready, ladies?
484
00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:58,091
You bet.
We are.
485
00:20:58,093 --> 00:21:00,493
Then let's go.
486
00:21:00,495 --> 00:21:03,881
And me with with just a nutsack.
487
00:21:03,883 --> 00:21:07,883
== sync, corrected by elderman ==