00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:00,917 --> 00:00:02,551
Previously on:
2
00:00:02,795 --> 00:00:05,504
It's spring break this week,
so Zoey and her daughter
3
00:00:05,529 --> 00:00:06,366
are going to stay here.
4
00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:08,395
I'm going to need you
to move out for the week.
5
00:00:08,420 --> 00:00:09,086
(grunts)
6
00:00:09,087 --> 00:00:09,985
Where you staying?
7
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,021
I'm just going to have
to stay with Lindsey.
8
00:00:11,022 --> 00:00:13,490
There's someone
in the house. Go look.
9
00:00:16,043 --> 00:00:17,460
Ow!
What?!
10
00:00:17,462 --> 00:00:19,129
I'm sorry!
11
00:00:19,131 --> 00:00:21,664
No, no, don't touch it!
12
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I'm bored.
13
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♪ ♪
14
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I can't do this, Berta.
It's just too much.
15
00:00:33,628 --> 00:00:35,128
She just never stops.
16
00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:38,314
So, how are things going living
with Zoey and her daughter?
17
00:00:38,316 --> 00:00:39,516
It's good. It's good.
18
00:00:39,518 --> 00:00:40,733
Oh.
19
00:00:40,735 --> 00:00:42,468
How's living with Lyndsey?
20
00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:45,071
Oh, it's terrific.
That's great.
21
00:00:45,073 --> 00:00:47,991
So, if I could get rid of them...
Yes, 100 times yes.
22
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Men...
23
00:00:52,998 --> 00:00:54,480
Okay.
24
00:00:55,649 --> 00:00:57,817
Zoey...
25
00:00:57,819 --> 00:00:59,752
you know I love you, and...
26
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I want to live with you forever.
27
00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:04,040
But we got to lose the kid.
28
00:01:07,011 --> 00:01:09,596
Yeah, probably not.
(clears throat) Okay.
29
00:01:09,598 --> 00:01:12,832
Hey, have you ever thought
of Swiss boarding schools?
30
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Hi!
Sh...
31
00:01:16,004 --> 00:01:17,554
She's out like a light.
32
00:01:17,556 --> 00:01:21,674
Really? How?
Did you drug her?
33
00:01:21,676 --> 00:01:24,777
I didn't think
we were allowed to drug her.
34
00:01:24,779 --> 00:01:27,197
She's worn out
from playing with you all day.
35
00:01:27,199 --> 00:01:29,115
She's not the only one.
36
00:01:29,117 --> 00:01:32,902
(stammering)
Listen...
37
00:01:32,904 --> 00:01:34,037
I've been thinking about this
38
00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:37,690
whole "moving in together"
thing.
39
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It's all right.
I admit, I had my doubts.
40
00:01:40,879 --> 00:01:43,746
But you have been
so wonderful with her.
41
00:01:43,748 --> 00:01:45,582
Thank you.
44
00:01:49,554 --> 00:01:51,638
You're all she talks about.
45
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,090
The sun rises and sets with you.
46
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Huh...
47
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Look at what she made for you.
48
00:02:03,184 --> 00:02:06,219
Wow...
49
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So, you win.
We're all yours.
50
00:02:08,857 --> 00:02:09,906
I mean,
51
00:02:09,908 --> 00:02:11,491
there's a million details
to figure out
52
00:02:11,493 --> 00:02:13,042
before we can move in
permanently.
53
00:02:13,044 --> 00:02:15,128
First and foremost, where she's
going to go to school.
54
00:02:15,130 --> 00:02:17,797
Have you ever considered
Switzerland?
55
00:02:17,799 --> 00:02:19,699
(laughs)
You're kidding, right?
56
00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:22,735
I'm ki.. of course!
(chuckles)
57
00:02:22,737 --> 00:02:25,872
Why would I want her
so far away?
58
00:02:25,874 --> 00:02:29,008
Let me put her up to bed.
Then we can start making plans.
59
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Great.
60
00:02:30,245 --> 00:02:31,678
Mommy?
Hmm?
61
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:32,762
Where's Walden?
62
00:02:32,764 --> 00:02:34,264
Oh, I'm right here.
63
00:02:34,266 --> 00:02:36,683
I love you, Walden.
64
00:02:37,635 --> 00:02:39,886
I love you...
65
00:02:39,888 --> 00:02:41,271
(chuckles)
66
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Just like I planned it.
67
00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:50,880
(knocking)
68
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Hey, roomie!
69
00:02:55,153 --> 00:02:57,036
You got here quick.
70
00:02:57,038 --> 00:02:58,955
Yeah, Lyndsey asked me
to fix the garbage disposal
71
00:02:58,957 --> 00:03:01,774
and I didn't like the odds.
72
00:03:01,776 --> 00:03:03,609
So, uh, did you talk
to Zoey yet?
73
00:03:03,611 --> 00:03:04,877
Yes, I did.
74
00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:05,628
How'd she take it?
75
00:03:05,630 --> 00:03:07,413
Well, I... yeah, let's...
76
00:03:07,415 --> 00:03:09,282
Did she cry?
77
00:03:09,284 --> 00:03:10,950
No...
Yelling?
78
00:03:10,952 --> 00:03:12,669
No. There was no yelling.
79
00:03:12,671 --> 00:03:16,005
Yeah, I know that I said
that I wanted to get rid of her
80
00:03:16,007 --> 00:03:17,590
and have you come back...
81
00:03:17,592 --> 00:03:19,058
Oh, no!
82
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:21,060
You know, I, I love her.
83
00:03:21,062 --> 00:03:22,478
Oh, no!
84
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,264
And I, I love the kid.
85
00:03:24,266 --> 00:03:25,481
No!
86
00:03:25,483 --> 00:03:27,183
I'm just going
to have to make it work.
87
00:03:27,185 --> 00:03:28,985
No, no, no, no, no, no!
88
00:03:28,987 --> 00:03:31,470
Alan, I'm sorry.
89
00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:36,025
Okay, okay, I'll...
I'll figure something out.
90
00:03:36,027 --> 00:03:39,162
If nothing else,
I am a survivor.
91
00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:46,703
(snorting)
92
00:03:46,705 --> 00:03:49,005
Okay, very funny.
Survivor, I get it.
93
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(panting)
94
00:03:51,042 --> 00:03:54,294
Oh, come on!
I feel bad enough already.
95
00:03:54,296 --> 00:03:55,928
Help me...
96
00:03:55,930 --> 00:03:57,130
911!
97
00:03:57,132 --> 00:03:58,631
Oh, okay. I'll play along.
98
00:03:58,633 --> 00:04:01,301
Here, would 100 dollars
99
00:04:01,303 --> 00:04:02,769
make you better?
100
00:04:03,554 --> 00:04:05,004
You're not kidding?
(panting)
101
00:04:05,006 --> 00:04:06,472
Not kidding...
102
00:04:06,474 --> 00:04:08,107
Don't die.
103
00:04:20,404 --> 00:04:22,789
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
104
00:04:22,791 --> 00:04:25,641
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
105
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:29,666
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x22 ♪
Why We Gave Up Women
Original Air Date on April 30, 2012
106
00:04:29,691 --> 00:04:33,691
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
107
00:04:34,443 --> 00:04:36,712
I want him to have
the best possible care.
108
00:04:36,714 --> 00:04:39,047
So, whatever it takes,
I'll pay for it.
109
00:04:39,049 --> 00:04:40,615
(chuckles)
You're going to have to.
110
00:04:40,617 --> 00:04:44,052
The man's got the worst
insurance policy I've ever seen.
111
00:04:44,054 --> 00:04:47,723
What do you mean?
He's got a $500,000 deductible.
112
00:04:47,725 --> 00:04:50,092
A $500,000 deductible?
113
00:04:50,094 --> 00:04:51,560
Even at our prices,
he ain't gonna
114
00:04:51,562 --> 00:04:53,228
hit that with
one heart attack.
115
00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:55,847
All right, well, I'll just...
I'll take care of it.
116
00:04:55,849 --> 00:04:58,467
Just check the box
"Domestic Partner."
117
00:04:58,469 --> 00:05:01,937
Oh, no, we're just buddies.
118
00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:04,222
We got no buddy forms.
119
00:05:04,224 --> 00:05:07,325
Yeah, but...
Just check the damn box.
120
00:05:12,448 --> 00:05:16,535
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
121
00:05:16,537 --> 00:05:19,921
I guess there's nothing
to do now but wait.
122
00:05:19,923 --> 00:05:22,157
Forgive me
for being callous,
123
00:05:22,159 --> 00:05:24,843
but don't you think this heart
attack is a bit convenient?
124
00:05:24,845 --> 00:05:26,878
What?
Come on.
125
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,047
He tries to weasel his way
back into the house.
126
00:05:29,049 --> 00:05:30,265
You tell him no
127
00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:32,517
and he falls to the ground,
clutching his chest.
128
00:05:32,519 --> 00:05:34,719
You think he faked
a heart attack?
129
00:05:34,721 --> 00:05:37,689
I think he'd fake
a shark attack.
130
00:05:37,691 --> 00:05:39,507
How do you fake
a shark attack?
131
00:05:39,509 --> 00:05:42,510
I don't know. Ask Alan.
132
00:05:42,512 --> 00:05:44,345
Harper?
133
00:05:44,347 --> 00:05:46,281
Yeah, right here.
134
00:05:46,283 --> 00:05:48,850
Okay, well, your boyfriend's
going to be fine.
135
00:05:48,852 --> 00:05:50,402
(sighs) That's great.
136
00:05:50,404 --> 00:05:51,703
Uh, he's not my...
137
00:05:51,705 --> 00:05:53,205
It's great.
138
00:05:54,023 --> 00:05:55,657
It was the form.
It was just easier.
139
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:59,411
Um, did he actually
have a heart attack?
140
00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:02,130
It was a mild one, but yes.
Told you.
141
00:06:03,115 --> 00:06:04,916
He should be fine.
He's just going to need rest
142
00:06:04,918 --> 00:06:06,168
and as little stress
as possible.
143
00:06:06,170 --> 00:06:07,836
For how long?
144
00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:09,721
I don't know,
at least a month or two.
145
00:06:09,723 --> 00:06:11,723
Great...
146
00:06:11,725 --> 00:06:14,226
That's why we gave up women.
Am I right?
147
00:06:15,845 --> 00:06:17,245
It's a compelling argument.
148
00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,054
Hi.
149
00:06:26,056 --> 00:06:28,523
Hi, Walden.
150
00:06:28,525 --> 00:06:30,158
How ya feelin'?
151
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,594
Fan-tastic.
152
00:06:32,596 --> 00:06:35,113
I'm on a morphine drip.
153
00:06:37,066 --> 00:06:41,236
Everyone should have
a morphine drip.
154
00:06:41,238 --> 00:06:44,239
There would be no more war.
155
00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:46,758
Listen, the doctor said
156
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,045
that you... had
a little heart attack,
157
00:06:50,047 --> 00:06:51,513
but you're going to be fine.
158
00:06:51,515 --> 00:06:53,982
(heart monitor beeping steadily)
Oh, yeah.
159
00:06:53,984 --> 00:06:56,017
Yeah, I remember now.
160
00:06:56,019 --> 00:06:58,303
Zoey's moving in and...
161
00:06:58,305 --> 00:07:00,588
I'm... I'm moving out.
162
00:07:00,590 --> 00:07:02,574
(heart monitor beeping faster)
163
00:07:03,926 --> 00:07:05,760
No, you're not moving out.
164
00:07:05,762 --> 00:07:07,395
I'm-I'm not?
165
00:07:07,397 --> 00:07:10,765
No, you can stay as long as you
want. As long as you need.
166
00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:12,200
Oh.
167
00:07:12,202 --> 00:07:15,320
(heart monitor beeping slowing)
168
00:07:15,322 --> 00:07:18,123
Oh, that's...
that's so good to hear.
169
00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,625
Thataboy.
170
00:07:20,627 --> 00:07:24,129
I just... I just want you
to not worry about anything.
171
00:07:24,131 --> 00:07:25,130
I won't.
172
00:07:25,132 --> 00:07:26,781
Okay.
173
00:07:26,783 --> 00:07:28,783
You just relax
and feel better, okay?
174
00:07:28,785 --> 00:07:30,752
Okeydokey.
175
00:07:33,289 --> 00:07:35,290
Hey, Walden. Guess what?
176
00:07:35,292 --> 00:07:36,457
What?
177
00:07:36,459 --> 00:07:40,245
I'm peeing right now.
178
00:07:40,247 --> 00:07:41,880
No kidding.
179
00:07:41,882 --> 00:07:43,798
But it's okay.
180
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:48,353
There's a tube
attached to my wiener.
181
00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:54,459
I don't think there is.
182
00:07:57,747 --> 00:07:59,981
Oh...
183
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,500
Men...
184
00:08:02,502 --> 00:08:05,453
EVELYN: My God. He's going to be okay?
WALDEN: Yeah.
185
00:08:05,455 --> 00:08:07,038
He just needs
to take it easy.
186
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,957
(sighs) I don't know
what I would do
187
00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,491
if anything
happened to him.
188
00:08:10,493 --> 00:08:12,877
(Evelyn sniffles)
189
00:08:12,879 --> 00:08:15,046
I've already lost my good son!
190
00:08:18,134 --> 00:08:20,769
Do you happen to know
if they validate parking?
191
00:08:24,173 --> 00:08:26,107
JAKE: So, are those tubes
putting stuff in
192
00:08:26,109 --> 00:08:27,359
or taking stuff out?
193
00:08:27,361 --> 00:08:29,344
I think
a little bit of both.
194
00:08:29,346 --> 00:08:30,779
Oh, I get it.
195
00:08:30,781 --> 00:08:33,782
It's like eating
on the toilet.
196
00:08:33,784 --> 00:08:35,500
(whispering):
So, what did the doctor say?
197
00:08:35,502 --> 00:08:37,786
Uh, he just said
he needs to take it easy.
198
00:08:37,788 --> 00:08:38,954
You know, no stress.
199
00:08:38,956 --> 00:08:40,555
JAKE: Then I guess
we shouldn't tell him
200
00:08:40,557 --> 00:08:41,723
about what happened
at school.
201
00:08:41,725 --> 00:08:44,459
JUDITH: No, we definitely
should not.
202
00:08:44,461 --> 00:08:47,362
Honest to God, someone
put that pot in my locker.
203
00:08:49,098 --> 00:08:50,415
Why would they do that?
204
00:08:50,417 --> 00:08:54,102
That, my friend,
is the million-dollar question.
205
00:08:57,556 --> 00:08:58,673
Look, Lyndsey,
206
00:08:58,675 --> 00:08:59,975
I know you're his girlfriend,
207
00:08:59,977 --> 00:09:02,277
and I know you'd like
to take care of him, but...
208
00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:04,779
I kind of feel
responsible for this.
209
00:09:04,781 --> 00:09:07,599
And I'd like him to stay
with me until he recovers.
210
00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:09,734
Fine. Let's go
get some coffee.
211
00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:16,224
Men...
212
00:09:17,059 --> 00:09:18,410
WOMAN:
Wake up, Alan.
213
00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:21,062
(chuckling moan)
214
00:09:21,064 --> 00:09:25,066
Is it spongebath time again?
215
00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:27,335
You wish.
216
00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:34,626
What's going on?
217
00:09:34,628 --> 00:09:35,743
Who are you?
218
00:09:35,745 --> 00:09:38,213
Ah, Alan, that hurts.
219
00:09:38,215 --> 00:09:40,598
Don't you recognize
your own brother?
220
00:09:52,479 --> 00:09:53,796
Men...
221
00:09:53,798 --> 00:09:55,581
What is this,
some kind of sick joke?
222
00:09:55,583 --> 00:09:57,333
Charlie's dead.
223
00:09:57,335 --> 00:10:00,687
You're dubious. Understandable.
224
00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:02,255
When you were 14 years old,
225
00:10:02,257 --> 00:10:04,123
you went to your first
boy/girl party,
226
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,308
and you were really nervous
227
00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:06,759
because they were going to play
spin the bottle.
228
00:10:06,761 --> 00:10:07,593
Yeah?
229
00:10:07,595 --> 00:10:09,028
So, before you left the house,
230
00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:11,564
I convinced you that
the grownup way to French-kiss
231
00:10:11,566 --> 00:10:13,700
was to spit in the
other person's mouth.
232
00:10:15,486 --> 00:10:18,154
You hocked a big loogie
down Marcy Bilson's throat
233
00:10:18,156 --> 00:10:20,039
and she'd kicked you
in the nuts.
234
00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:23,276
Ah, come on, everybody in
high school knew that story.
235
00:10:23,278 --> 00:10:25,161
Answer me this:
236
00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:27,997
What are your five favorite
words to hear from a woman?
237
00:10:27,999 --> 00:10:31,434
"I can't spend the night."
238
00:10:32,136 --> 00:10:34,137
(whispers)
Charlie...
239
00:10:34,139 --> 00:10:36,455
At your service.
240
00:10:36,457 --> 00:10:38,625
I don't...
I don't understand.
241
00:10:38,627 --> 00:10:41,127
Are you reincarnated
or something?
242
00:10:41,129 --> 00:10:43,146
Nah, I'm in hell.
243
00:10:45,649 --> 00:10:48,101
Walking around
in this old broad's body
244
00:10:48,103 --> 00:10:51,304
is supposed to be some kind
of eternal damnation.
245
00:10:52,573 --> 00:10:53,489
You know what?
246
00:10:53,491 --> 00:10:55,241
The joke's on them.
247
00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,777
Boobs are still boobs.
248
00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:01,781
So, why are you here?
249
00:11:01,783 --> 00:11:03,366
I thought you could use
a little help.
250
00:11:03,368 --> 00:11:04,968
I have been through
a rough patch.
251
00:11:04,970 --> 00:11:07,470
You look like you've been
through a propeller.
252
00:11:08,739 --> 00:11:10,823
I came here to tell you
it's not too late
253
00:11:10,825 --> 00:11:11,841
to turn your life around.
254
00:11:11,843 --> 00:11:12,659
How?
255
00:11:12,661 --> 00:11:14,344
Stop being a parasite.
256
00:11:14,346 --> 00:11:17,130
Step up. Be a man.
Grow a pair.
257
00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:21,334
Uh, parenthetically,
this body actually has a pair.
258
00:11:22,686 --> 00:11:25,104
They dangle
right under my hooha.
259
00:11:28,175 --> 00:11:30,810
Did not need to know that.
260
00:11:30,812 --> 00:11:33,646
Point being, you lived on me
for eight years
261
00:11:33,648 --> 00:11:35,398
and now you're
living off this new guy.
262
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,350
Now, now, hang on.
W-Walden's my friend.
263
00:11:37,352 --> 00:11:39,068
He invited me
to stay with him.
264
00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:42,021
Oh, kiss my
surprisingly tight ass.
265
00:11:42,023 --> 00:11:44,290
You're nobody's friend.
266
00:11:44,292 --> 00:11:47,243
You're a useless appendage,
like tonsils,
267
00:11:47,245 --> 00:11:50,630
or the nutsack
under my hooha.
268
00:11:50,632 --> 00:11:54,083
I see hell hasn't
mellowed you out any.
269
00:11:54,085 --> 00:11:55,802
Listen to me,
you got to get out
270
00:11:55,804 --> 00:11:58,221
of that guy's house
and make a life for yourself.
271
00:11:58,223 --> 00:12:00,056
I suppose I could go
live with Lyndsey.
272
00:12:00,058 --> 00:12:01,707
You're missing my point.
273
00:12:01,709 --> 00:12:03,726
I'm not suggesting
that the tapeworm
274
00:12:03,728 --> 00:12:06,179
find a new colon
to crawl into.
275
00:12:07,348 --> 00:12:08,915
Hold out your hand.
276
00:12:10,684 --> 00:12:12,568
Thank you.
277
00:12:14,238 --> 00:12:15,721
This is your last chance, Alan.
278
00:12:15,723 --> 00:12:17,690
Move out of that house.
Get your own place.
279
00:12:17,692 --> 00:12:19,409
Start pulling your own weight
in the world.
280
00:12:19,411 --> 00:12:21,077
Okay. I will.
281
00:12:21,079 --> 00:12:22,996
You'll see.
I can change.
282
00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:24,497
Good.
283
00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,065
Then my work here is done.
284
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,900
Well, thanks, Charlie.
285
00:12:27,902 --> 00:12:29,419
You got it.
286
00:12:29,421 --> 00:12:32,905
Oh, uh, (chuckles)
287
00:12:32,907 --> 00:12:34,090
Before I go...
288
00:12:35,009 --> 00:12:36,575
(unzipping):
...you gotta check this out.
289
00:12:37,294 --> 00:12:38,177
Oh!
290
00:12:38,179 --> 00:12:39,745
Oh!
291
00:12:39,747 --> 00:12:41,414
Was I lying?
292
00:12:41,416 --> 00:12:43,783
Tell me that's not disturbing.
293
00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:53,426
Men...
294
00:12:53,428 --> 00:12:55,061
What do you want me
to do, Zoey?
295
00:12:55,063 --> 00:12:57,697
The last time I asked him
to leave, he almost died.
296
00:12:57,699 --> 00:12:58,898
Well, what does that mean?
297
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,117
He lives with you
until he actually does die?
298
00:13:01,119 --> 00:13:03,736
No, just until he
gets back on his feet.
299
00:13:03,738 --> 00:13:05,788
The man has no feet.
300
00:13:05,790 --> 00:13:07,707
He is a footless man.
301
00:13:07,709 --> 00:13:09,375
Okay, come on.
302
00:13:09,377 --> 00:13:12,045
What about his mother?
Why doesn't he live with her?
303
00:13:12,047 --> 00:13:13,246
They don't really get along.
304
00:13:13,248 --> 00:13:14,831
What about his girlfriend?
305
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,949
They don't really get along.
306
00:13:16,951 --> 00:13:18,418
Oh, God.
307
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,086
So we're stuck with him forever.
308
00:13:20,088 --> 00:13:24,257
The man is the herpes
of houseguests.
309
00:13:24,259 --> 00:13:25,675
(doorbell rings)
310
00:13:25,677 --> 00:13:27,243
Come on.
That is not fair.
311
00:13:27,245 --> 00:13:28,311
You're right.
312
00:13:28,313 --> 00:13:30,646
Herpes sometimes disappears
for a while.
313
00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,566
Surprise!
314
00:13:33,568 --> 00:13:34,600
Alan.
315
00:13:34,602 --> 00:13:36,602
Herpes.
316
00:13:36,604 --> 00:13:37,970
What? They let you out?
317
00:13:37,972 --> 00:13:39,805
Oh, no, no.
I checked myself out.
318
00:13:39,807 --> 00:13:41,591
I didn't want you to have
to pay one more penny for me.
319
00:13:41,593 --> 00:13:42,641
Oh, come on.
320
00:13:42,643 --> 00:13:43,809
The money is not important.
321
00:13:43,811 --> 00:13:45,161
What's important
is your health.
322
00:13:45,163 --> 00:13:47,196
No, what's important
is that I stop being a parasite
323
00:13:47,198 --> 00:13:48,364
and stand on my own two feet.
324
00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:50,166
ZOEY:
You have no feet.
325
00:13:51,535 --> 00:13:52,952
What was that?
326
00:13:52,954 --> 00:13:54,036
It's Zoey.
327
00:13:54,038 --> 00:13:55,988
I'll be right there, honey.
328
00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:58,875
I'm just going to grab my stuff,
and I'll get out of your hair.
329
00:13:58,877 --> 00:14:00,109
Are you sure?
330
00:14:00,111 --> 00:14:02,545
I am positive, Walden.
I-I have had an epiphany.
331
00:14:02,547 --> 00:14:04,680
I need to make a big change
in my life.
332
00:14:04,682 --> 00:14:06,516
Wow.
333
00:14:06,518 --> 00:14:07,683
Where will you go?
334
00:14:07,685 --> 00:14:09,602
Oh, I found a cute little place
online.
335
00:14:09,604 --> 00:14:10,937
Uh, you know, it's not much,
336
00:14:10,939 --> 00:14:13,055
but, uh, at least
I'll have my pride.
337
00:14:13,057 --> 00:14:14,524
I don't know, Alan.
338
00:14:14,526 --> 00:14:18,010
Let the man have his pride!
339
00:14:18,012 --> 00:14:21,531
Uh, here's my address
for mailing stuff.
340
00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:24,484
If this is what you want...
341
00:14:24,486 --> 00:14:25,284
It's what I want.
342
00:14:25,286 --> 00:14:26,986
It's what everybody wants!
343
00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,189
Don't listen to her.
344
00:14:30,191 --> 00:14:32,458
Oh, no, no.
She's right.
345
00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:35,578
She's an angry,
cold-hearted tea bag!
346
00:14:35,580 --> 00:14:38,214
But she's right.
347
00:14:38,216 --> 00:14:40,583
What did he say?
348
00:14:40,585 --> 00:14:42,919
He said that you were right.
349
00:14:44,888 --> 00:14:46,672
Men...
350
00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:49,208
No, Jake.
351
00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:50,643
If I'm not living
at the beach house,
352
00:14:50,645 --> 00:14:52,345
you're not living
at the beach house.
353
00:14:52,347 --> 00:14:55,231
Yeah, well, sometimes
life just isn't fair.
354
00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:58,568
Well, sure you can visit me
where I'm living now.
355
00:14:58,570 --> 00:15:00,653
But, uh, you're not going
to have your own room
356
00:15:00,655 --> 00:15:02,721
or your own bed
or your own bathroom
357
00:15:02,723 --> 00:15:05,391
and... you might need
to have a tetanus shot.
358
00:15:07,861 --> 00:15:10,046
But I'd love to have you.
359
00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:12,248
Okay, you let me know.
360
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:15,084
Okay, good night.
361
00:15:19,206 --> 00:15:20,906
All right.
362
00:15:20,908 --> 00:15:22,959
It's not much, but...
363
00:15:22,961 --> 00:15:24,177
it's mine.
364
00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:28,598
I am self-sufficient.
365
00:15:31,051 --> 00:15:33,970
And beholden to no one.
366
00:15:39,726 --> 00:15:41,527
(caws)
367
00:15:41,529 --> 00:15:44,530
Oh, that's not a good sign.
368
00:15:44,532 --> 00:15:47,366
(cawing)
369
00:15:47,368 --> 00:15:49,202
Men...
370
00:15:50,153 --> 00:15:51,654
ZOEY:
It's odd...
371
00:15:51,656 --> 00:15:53,272
But now that
Alan's finally gone,
372
00:15:53,274 --> 00:15:54,991
I actually kind of miss him.
373
00:15:54,993 --> 00:15:56,325
Yeah, me too.
374
00:15:56,327 --> 00:15:57,793
Walden, I'm kidding.
375
00:15:59,446 --> 00:16:00,446
Oh, yeah, me too.
376
00:16:00,448 --> 00:16:01,998
(chuckles)
377
00:16:04,418 --> 00:16:05,835
So...
378
00:16:05,837 --> 00:16:07,970
Now that we have the house
to ourselves,
379
00:16:07,972 --> 00:16:09,171
what would you like to do?
380
00:16:09,173 --> 00:16:11,140
What I would like to do
381
00:16:11,142 --> 00:16:13,192
is you.
382
00:16:14,645 --> 00:16:16,312
And where I would like to do it,
383
00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:18,397
is on every flat surface
384
00:16:18,399 --> 00:16:20,633
in every room of this house.
385
00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:22,568
Mm.
Mm.
386
00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:24,136
Woo. Hey.
387
00:16:24,138 --> 00:16:26,639
Oh. Jake.
388
00:16:26,641 --> 00:16:27,573
This is my friend, Gabby.
389
00:16:27,575 --> 00:16:30,476
Hi!
(giggles)
390
00:16:30,478 --> 00:16:32,445
We're going to go hang out
in my room.
391
00:16:32,447 --> 00:16:34,113
Uh, Jake, uh,
392
00:16:34,115 --> 00:16:35,615
hold on.
393
00:16:35,617 --> 00:16:37,983
Have you spoken
to your father lately?
394
00:16:37,985 --> 00:16:40,486
No, I don't believe I have.
395
00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,507
Look at the bright side.
396
00:16:44,509 --> 00:16:45,958
What bright side?
397
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,095
He might share some
of his pot with us.
398
00:16:50,430 --> 00:16:52,965
Men...
399
00:16:55,936 --> 00:16:58,871
CHARLIE:
Wake up, buttercup.
400
00:17:00,674 --> 00:17:03,392
Oh. Hey, Charlie.
401
00:17:04,778 --> 00:17:07,980
So, what do you think?
402
00:17:07,982 --> 00:17:09,949
I finally got my own place.
403
00:17:09,951 --> 00:17:11,867
Fantastic.
404
00:17:11,869 --> 00:17:14,337
You're not sponging off
that rat, are you?
405
00:17:15,989 --> 00:17:16,956
There's a rat?
406
00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:18,124
Nah, I'm just kiddin'.
407
00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:20,859
He's dead.
408
00:17:20,861 --> 00:17:24,363
But aren't you proud of me?
I mean, I did what you said.
409
00:17:24,365 --> 00:17:26,165
I'm standing
on my own two feet.
410
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:29,051
Yeah. (chuckles)
411
00:17:29,053 --> 00:17:30,486
Sucker.
412
00:17:32,556 --> 00:17:33,806
What?
413
00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:35,891
I had to come back
from hell to do it,
414
00:17:35,893 --> 00:17:39,228
but I finally gotcha
out of my freakin' house!
415
00:17:40,597 --> 00:17:43,232
But I-I-I thought you wanted me
to be a better person.
416
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:45,184
Nope.
417
00:17:45,186 --> 00:17:47,386
What? So you were just
screwing with me?
418
00:17:47,388 --> 00:17:49,054
Yep.
419
00:17:49,056 --> 00:17:50,889
Why?
420
00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:55,161
I'm in hell, Alan.
That's kind of what we do.
421
00:17:55,163 --> 00:17:56,912
Whoa!
422
00:17:56,914 --> 00:17:59,332
What a horrible dream.
423
00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:02,251
What's so horrible about it?
424
00:18:02,253 --> 00:18:03,369
(gasps)
425
00:18:03,371 --> 00:18:05,121
(sighs)
426
00:18:05,123 --> 00:18:07,906
Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.
427
00:18:07,908 --> 00:18:10,209
Still here.
428
00:18:10,211 --> 00:18:12,378
(snorts)
429
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:15,214
I can do this aaalll night.
430
00:18:19,085 --> 00:18:21,387
Men...
431
00:18:23,890 --> 00:18:25,941
(sighs)
Okay.
432
00:18:27,093 --> 00:18:30,780
How do we sell this?
Uh...
433
00:18:34,785 --> 00:18:36,485
911...
434
00:18:36,487 --> 00:18:38,437
911!
435
00:18:38,439 --> 00:18:41,624
Come on. You can
do better than that. Uh...
436
00:18:41,626 --> 00:18:42,958
Ah...
437
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,260
(gasps)
438
00:18:47,214 --> 00:18:49,448
(panting):
Help me.
439
00:18:49,450 --> 00:18:50,716
Call 911.
440
00:18:50,718 --> 00:18:51,584
(grunting)
441
00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:54,420
Am I dying
or taking a dump?
442
00:18:57,391 --> 00:18:58,974
Ah.
443
00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:04,230
Call 911...
Call 911...
444
00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,898
Yeah, that's it. Okay.
445
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:09,134
Showtime.
446
00:19:09,136 --> 00:19:10,436
(knocking)
447
00:19:12,489 --> 00:19:13,856
Alan...
448
00:19:13,858 --> 00:19:15,491
Don't, don't worry.
I'm not moving back in.
449
00:19:15,493 --> 00:19:17,109
I just forgot a few things.
450
00:19:17,111 --> 00:19:18,327
Yeah, like your son?
451
00:19:18,329 --> 00:19:20,513
Wait. Jake's here?
452
00:19:20,515 --> 00:19:21,914
Yeah, and his girlfriend.
453
00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:24,283
Ah, (scoffs) you know,
damn that kid.
454
00:19:24,285 --> 00:19:27,486
I told him I was moving out and
he was not to come back here.
455
00:19:27,488 --> 00:19:29,738
But does he listen to me? No.
456
00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:32,842
You know, no one ever
listens to me and I...
457
00:19:36,046 --> 00:19:37,263
Call 911.
458
00:19:37,265 --> 00:19:38,964
Call 911.
Oh, no, not again.
459
00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:40,516
Hold on.
I'll get help.
460
00:19:42,519 --> 00:19:44,320
Son of a bitch.
461
00:19:45,889 --> 00:19:48,674
What's the matter?
Couldn't find a shark?
462
00:19:57,702 --> 00:19:59,136
Men...
463
00:19:59,138 --> 00:20:00,471
So, what do you think, Doc?
464
00:20:00,473 --> 00:20:02,539
We won't know until
we get all the tests back,
465
00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:04,625
but right now, his heart
appears to be perfectly fine.
466
00:20:04,627 --> 00:20:06,327
WALDEN (sighs):
Thank God.
467
00:20:06,329 --> 00:20:07,846
So how long before
I can take him home?
468
00:20:07,871 --> 00:20:08,813
ZOEY: Walden?
469
00:20:08,814 --> 00:20:11,264
I am sorry, Zoey,
but I am not going to have
470
00:20:11,266 --> 00:20:13,534
this man's death
on my conscience.
471
00:20:19,074 --> 00:20:20,991
I'd like to thank the Academy.
472
00:20:24,329 --> 00:20:26,947
There are no small parts...
473
00:20:26,949 --> 00:20:28,882
only small apartments.
474
00:20:37,842 --> 00:20:39,893
I don't think you're allowed
to smoke in here.
475
00:20:39,895 --> 00:20:43,147
Does that include the joint
you just blew in the bathroom?
476
00:20:43,149 --> 00:20:45,232
How'd you know about that?
477
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:47,568
Call it women's intuition,
taterhead.
478
00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:50,154
Whoa, the only person
that ever called me "taterhead"
479
00:20:50,156 --> 00:20:51,471
was my uncle Charlie.
480
00:20:51,473 --> 00:20:54,508
So, what does that
tell ya?
481
00:20:55,777 --> 00:20:57,477
I have no idea.
482
00:20:57,479 --> 00:21:00,981
Screw it.
I'm going back to hell.
483
00:21:03,918 --> 00:21:05,369
Ready, ladies?
484
00:21:05,371 --> 00:21:06,920
You bet.
We are.
485
00:21:06,922 --> 00:21:09,322
Then let's go.
486
00:21:09,324 --> 00:21:12,710
And me with with just a nutsack.
487
00:21:12,712 --> 00:21:16,712
== sync, corrected by elderman ==