00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,917 --> 00:00:02,551 Previously on: 2 00:00:02,795 --> 00:00:05,504 It's spring break this week, so Zoey and her daughter 3 00:00:05,529 --> 00:00:06,366 are going to stay here. 4 00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:08,395 I'm going to need you to move out for the week. 5 00:00:08,420 --> 00:00:09,086 (grunts) 6 00:00:09,087 --> 00:00:09,985 Where you staying? 7 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,021 I'm just going to have to stay with Lindsey. 8 00:00:11,022 --> 00:00:13,490 There's someone in the house. Go look. 9 00:00:16,043 --> 00:00:17,460 Ow! What?! 10 00:00:17,462 --> 00:00:19,129 I'm sorry! 11 00:00:19,131 --> 00:00:21,664 No, no, don't touch it! 12 00:00:22,633 --> 00:00:24,033 I'm bored. 13 00:00:24,035 --> 00:00:26,536 ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:30,691 --> 00:00:33,626 I can't do this, Berta. It's just too much. 15 00:00:33,628 --> 00:00:35,128 She just never stops. 16 00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:38,314 So, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter? 17 00:00:38,316 --> 00:00:39,516 It's good. It's good. 18 00:00:39,518 --> 00:00:40,733 Oh. 19 00:00:40,735 --> 00:00:42,468 How's living with Lyndsey? 20 00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:45,071 Oh, it's terrific. That's great. 21 00:00:45,073 --> 00:00:47,991 So, if I could get rid of them... Yes, 100 times yes. 22 00:00:48,609 --> 00:00:52,996 Men... 23 00:00:52,998 --> 00:00:54,480 Okay. 24 00:00:55,649 --> 00:00:57,817 Zoey... 25 00:00:57,819 --> 00:00:59,752 you know I love you, and... 26 00:00:59,754 --> 00:01:02,338 I want to live with you forever. 27 00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:04,040 But we got to lose the kid. 28 00:01:07,011 --> 00:01:09,596 Yeah, probably not. (clears throat) Okay. 29 00:01:09,598 --> 00:01:12,832 Hey, have you ever thought of Swiss boarding schools? 30 00:01:14,351 --> 00:01:16,002 Hi! Sh... 31 00:01:16,004 --> 00:01:17,554 She's out like a light. 32 00:01:17,556 --> 00:01:21,674 Really? How? Did you drug her? 33 00:01:21,676 --> 00:01:24,777 I didn't think we were allowed to drug her. 34 00:01:24,779 --> 00:01:27,197 She's worn out from playing with you all day. 35 00:01:27,199 --> 00:01:29,115 She's not the only one. 36 00:01:29,117 --> 00:01:32,902 (stammering) Listen... 37 00:01:32,904 --> 00:01:34,037 I've been thinking about this 38 00:01:34,039 --> 00:01:37,690 whole "moving in together" thing. 39 00:01:37,692 --> 00:01:40,877 It's all right. I admit, I had my doubts. 40 00:01:40,879 --> 00:01:43,746 But you have been so wonderful with her. 41 00:01:43,748 --> 00:01:45,582 Thank you. 44 00:01:49,554 --> 00:01:51,638 You're all she talks about. 45 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,090 The sun rises and sets with you. 46 00:01:54,092 --> 00:01:56,576 Huh... 47 00:01:58,229 --> 00:01:59,829 Look at what she made for you. 48 00:02:03,184 --> 00:02:06,219 Wow... 49 00:02:06,221 --> 00:02:08,855 So, you win. We're all yours. 50 00:02:08,857 --> 00:02:09,906 I mean, 51 00:02:09,908 --> 00:02:11,491 there's a million details to figure out 52 00:02:11,493 --> 00:02:13,042 before we can move in permanently. 53 00:02:13,044 --> 00:02:15,128 First and foremost, where she's going to go to school. 54 00:02:15,130 --> 00:02:17,797 Have you ever considered Switzerland? 55 00:02:17,799 --> 00:02:19,699 (laughs) You're kidding, right? 56 00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:22,735 I'm ki.. of course! (chuckles) 57 00:02:22,737 --> 00:02:25,872 Why would I want her so far away? 58 00:02:25,874 --> 00:02:29,008 Let me put her up to bed. Then we can start making plans. 59 00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,243 Great. 60 00:02:30,245 --> 00:02:31,678 Mommy? Hmm? 61 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:32,762 Where's Walden? 62 00:02:32,764 --> 00:02:34,264 Oh, I'm right here. 63 00:02:34,266 --> 00:02:36,683 I love you, Walden. 64 00:02:37,635 --> 00:02:39,886 I love you... 65 00:02:39,888 --> 00:02:41,271 (chuckles) 66 00:02:45,859 --> 00:02:48,361 Just like I planned it. 67 00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:50,880 (knocking) 68 00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:55,151 Hey, roomie! 69 00:02:55,153 --> 00:02:57,036 You got here quick. 70 00:02:57,038 --> 00:02:58,955 Yeah, Lyndsey asked me to fix the garbage disposal 71 00:02:58,957 --> 00:03:01,774 and I didn't like the odds. 72 00:03:01,776 --> 00:03:03,609 So, uh, did you talk to Zoey yet? 73 00:03:03,611 --> 00:03:04,877 Yes, I did. 74 00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:05,628 How'd she take it? 75 00:03:05,630 --> 00:03:07,413 Well, I... yeah, let's... 76 00:03:07,415 --> 00:03:09,282 Did she cry? 77 00:03:09,284 --> 00:03:10,950 No... Yelling? 78 00:03:10,952 --> 00:03:12,669 No. There was no yelling. 79 00:03:12,671 --> 00:03:16,005 Yeah, I know that I said that I wanted to get rid of her 80 00:03:16,007 --> 00:03:17,590 and have you come back... 81 00:03:17,592 --> 00:03:19,058 Oh, no! 82 00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:21,060 You know, I, I love her. 83 00:03:21,062 --> 00:03:22,478 Oh, no! 84 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,264 And I, I love the kid. 85 00:03:24,266 --> 00:03:25,481 No! 86 00:03:25,483 --> 00:03:27,183 I'm just going to have to make it work. 87 00:03:27,185 --> 00:03:28,985 No, no, no, no, no, no! 88 00:03:28,987 --> 00:03:31,470 Alan, I'm sorry. 89 00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:36,025 Okay, okay, I'll... I'll figure something out. 90 00:03:36,027 --> 00:03:39,162 If nothing else, I am a survivor. 91 00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:46,703 (snorting) 92 00:03:46,705 --> 00:03:49,005 Okay, very funny. Survivor, I get it. 93 00:03:49,007 --> 00:03:51,040 (panting) 94 00:03:51,042 --> 00:03:54,294 Oh, come on! I feel bad enough already. 95 00:03:54,296 --> 00:03:55,928 Help me... 96 00:03:55,930 --> 00:03:57,130 911! 97 00:03:57,132 --> 00:03:58,631 Oh, okay. I'll play along. 98 00:03:58,633 --> 00:04:01,301 Here, would 100 dollars 99 00:04:01,303 --> 00:04:02,769 make you better? 100 00:04:03,554 --> 00:04:05,004 You're not kidding? (panting) 101 00:04:05,006 --> 00:04:06,472 Not kidding... 102 00:04:06,474 --> 00:04:08,107 Don't die. 103 00:04:20,404 --> 00:04:22,789 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 104 00:04:22,791 --> 00:04:25,641 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 105 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:29,666 ♪ Two and a Half Men 9x22 ♪ Why We Gave Up Women Original Air Date on April 30, 2012 106 00:04:29,691 --> 00:04:33,691 == sync, corrected by elderman == 107 00:04:34,443 --> 00:04:36,712 I want him to have the best possible care. 108 00:04:36,714 --> 00:04:39,047 So, whatever it takes, I'll pay for it. 109 00:04:39,049 --> 00:04:40,615 (chuckles) You're going to have to. 110 00:04:40,617 --> 00:04:44,052 The man's got the worst insurance policy I've ever seen. 111 00:04:44,054 --> 00:04:47,723 What do you mean? He's got a $500,000 deductible. 112 00:04:47,725 --> 00:04:50,092 A $500,000 deductible? 113 00:04:50,094 --> 00:04:51,560 Even at our prices, he ain't gonna 114 00:04:51,562 --> 00:04:53,228 hit that with one heart attack. 115 00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:55,847 All right, well, I'll just... I'll take care of it. 116 00:04:55,849 --> 00:04:58,467 Just check the box "Domestic Partner." 117 00:04:58,469 --> 00:05:01,937 Oh, no, we're just buddies. 118 00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:04,222 We got no buddy forms. 119 00:05:04,224 --> 00:05:07,325 Yeah, but... Just check the damn box. 120 00:05:12,448 --> 00:05:16,535 Come out, come out, wherever you are. 121 00:05:16,537 --> 00:05:19,921 I guess there's nothing to do now but wait. 122 00:05:19,923 --> 00:05:22,157 Forgive me for being callous, 123 00:05:22,159 --> 00:05:24,843 but don't you think this heart attack is a bit convenient? 124 00:05:24,845 --> 00:05:26,878 What? Come on. 125 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,047 He tries to weasel his way back into the house. 126 00:05:29,049 --> 00:05:30,265 You tell him no 127 00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:32,517 and he falls to the ground, clutching his chest. 128 00:05:32,519 --> 00:05:34,719 You think he faked a heart attack? 129 00:05:34,721 --> 00:05:37,689 I think he'd fake a shark attack. 130 00:05:37,691 --> 00:05:39,507 How do you fake a shark attack? 131 00:05:39,509 --> 00:05:42,510 I don't know. Ask Alan. 132 00:05:42,512 --> 00:05:44,345 Harper? 133 00:05:44,347 --> 00:05:46,281 Yeah, right here. 134 00:05:46,283 --> 00:05:48,850 Okay, well, your boyfriend's going to be fine. 135 00:05:48,852 --> 00:05:50,402 (sighs) That's great. 136 00:05:50,404 --> 00:05:51,703 Uh, he's not my... 137 00:05:51,705 --> 00:05:53,205 It's great. 138 00:05:54,023 --> 00:05:55,657 It was the form. It was just easier. 139 00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:59,411 Um, did he actually have a heart attack? 140 00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:02,130 It was a mild one, but yes. Told you. 141 00:06:03,115 --> 00:06:04,916 He should be fine. He's just going to need rest 142 00:06:04,918 --> 00:06:06,168 and as little stress as possible. 143 00:06:06,170 --> 00:06:07,836 For how long? 144 00:06:07,838 --> 00:06:09,721 I don't know, at least a month or two. 145 00:06:09,723 --> 00:06:11,723 Great... 146 00:06:11,725 --> 00:06:14,226 That's why we gave up women. Am I right? 147 00:06:15,845 --> 00:06:17,245 It's a compelling argument. 148 00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,054 Hi. 149 00:06:26,056 --> 00:06:28,523 Hi, Walden. 150 00:06:28,525 --> 00:06:30,158 How ya feelin'? 151 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,594 Fan-tastic. 152 00:06:32,596 --> 00:06:35,113 I'm on a morphine drip. 153 00:06:37,066 --> 00:06:41,236 Everyone should have a morphine drip. 154 00:06:41,238 --> 00:06:44,239 There would be no more war. 155 00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:46,758 Listen, the doctor said 156 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,045 that you... had a little heart attack, 157 00:06:50,047 --> 00:06:51,513 but you're going to be fine. 158 00:06:51,515 --> 00:06:53,982 (heart monitor beeping steadily) Oh, yeah. 159 00:06:53,984 --> 00:06:56,017 Yeah, I remember now. 160 00:06:56,019 --> 00:06:58,303 Zoey's moving in and... 161 00:06:58,305 --> 00:07:00,588 I'm... I'm moving out. 162 00:07:00,590 --> 00:07:02,574 (heart monitor beeping faster) 163 00:07:03,926 --> 00:07:05,760 No, you're not moving out. 164 00:07:05,762 --> 00:07:07,395 I'm-I'm not? 165 00:07:07,397 --> 00:07:10,765 No, you can stay as long as you want. As long as you need. 166 00:07:10,767 --> 00:07:12,200 Oh. 167 00:07:12,202 --> 00:07:15,320 (heart monitor beeping slowing) 168 00:07:15,322 --> 00:07:18,123 Oh, that's... that's so good to hear. 169 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,625 Thataboy. 170 00:07:20,627 --> 00:07:24,129 I just... I just want you to not worry about anything. 171 00:07:24,131 --> 00:07:25,130 I won't. 172 00:07:25,132 --> 00:07:26,781 Okay. 173 00:07:26,783 --> 00:07:28,783 You just relax and feel better, okay? 174 00:07:28,785 --> 00:07:30,752 Okeydokey. 175 00:07:33,289 --> 00:07:35,290 Hey, Walden. Guess what? 176 00:07:35,292 --> 00:07:36,457 What? 177 00:07:36,459 --> 00:07:40,245 I'm peeing right now. 178 00:07:40,247 --> 00:07:41,880 No kidding. 179 00:07:41,882 --> 00:07:43,798 But it's okay. 180 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:48,353 There's a tube attached to my wiener. 181 00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:54,459 I don't think there is. 182 00:07:57,747 --> 00:07:59,981 Oh... 183 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,500 Men... 184 00:08:02,502 --> 00:08:05,453 EVELYN: My God. He's going to be okay? WALDEN: Yeah. 185 00:08:05,455 --> 00:08:07,038 He just needs to take it easy. 186 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,957 (sighs) I don't know what I would do 187 00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,491 if anything happened to him. 188 00:08:10,493 --> 00:08:12,877 (Evelyn sniffles) 189 00:08:12,879 --> 00:08:15,046 I've already lost my good son! 190 00:08:18,134 --> 00:08:20,769 Do you happen to know if they validate parking? 191 00:08:24,173 --> 00:08:26,107 JAKE: So, are those tubes putting stuff in 192 00:08:26,109 --> 00:08:27,359 or taking stuff out? 193 00:08:27,361 --> 00:08:29,344 I think a little bit of both. 194 00:08:29,346 --> 00:08:30,779 Oh, I get it. 195 00:08:30,781 --> 00:08:33,782 It's like eating on the toilet. 196 00:08:33,784 --> 00:08:35,500 (whispering): So, what did the doctor say? 197 00:08:35,502 --> 00:08:37,786 Uh, he just said he needs to take it easy. 198 00:08:37,788 --> 00:08:38,954 You know, no stress. 199 00:08:38,956 --> 00:08:40,555 JAKE: Then I guess we shouldn't tell him 200 00:08:40,557 --> 00:08:41,723 about what happened at school. 201 00:08:41,725 --> 00:08:44,459 JUDITH: No, we definitely should not. 202 00:08:44,461 --> 00:08:47,362 Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker. 203 00:08:49,098 --> 00:08:50,415 Why would they do that? 204 00:08:50,417 --> 00:08:54,102 That, my friend, is the million-dollar question. 205 00:08:57,556 --> 00:08:58,673 Look, Lyndsey, 206 00:08:58,675 --> 00:08:59,975 I know you're his girlfriend, 207 00:08:59,977 --> 00:09:02,277 and I know you'd like to take care of him, but... 208 00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:04,779 I kind of feel responsible for this. 209 00:09:04,781 --> 00:09:07,599 And I'd like him to stay with me until he recovers. 210 00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:09,734 Fine. Let's go get some coffee. 211 00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:16,224 Men... 212 00:09:17,059 --> 00:09:18,410 WOMAN: Wake up, Alan. 213 00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:21,062 (chuckling moan) 214 00:09:21,064 --> 00:09:25,066 Is it spongebath time again? 215 00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:27,335 You wish. 216 00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:34,626 What's going on? 217 00:09:34,628 --> 00:09:35,743 Who are you? 218 00:09:35,745 --> 00:09:38,213 Ah, Alan, that hurts. 219 00:09:38,215 --> 00:09:40,598 Don't you recognize your own brother? 220 00:09:52,479 --> 00:09:53,796 Men... 221 00:09:53,798 --> 00:09:55,581 What is this, some kind of sick joke? 222 00:09:55,583 --> 00:09:57,333 Charlie's dead. 223 00:09:57,335 --> 00:10:00,687 You're dubious. Understandable. 224 00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:02,255 When you were 14 years old, 225 00:10:02,257 --> 00:10:04,123 you went to your first boy/girl party, 226 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,308 and you were really nervous 227 00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:06,759 because they were going to play spin the bottle. 228 00:10:06,761 --> 00:10:07,593 Yeah? 229 00:10:07,595 --> 00:10:09,028 So, before you left the house, 230 00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:11,564 I convinced you that the grownup way to French-kiss 231 00:10:11,566 --> 00:10:13,700 was to spit in the other person's mouth. 232 00:10:15,486 --> 00:10:18,154 You hocked a big loogie down Marcy Bilson's throat 233 00:10:18,156 --> 00:10:20,039 and she'd kicked you in the nuts. 234 00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:23,276 Ah, come on, everybody in high school knew that story. 235 00:10:23,278 --> 00:10:25,161 Answer me this: 236 00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:27,997 What are your five favorite words to hear from a woman? 237 00:10:27,999 --> 00:10:31,434 "I can't spend the night." 238 00:10:32,136 --> 00:10:34,137 (whispers) Charlie... 239 00:10:34,139 --> 00:10:36,455 At your service. 240 00:10:36,457 --> 00:10:38,625 I don't... I don't understand. 241 00:10:38,627 --> 00:10:41,127 Are you reincarnated or something? 242 00:10:41,129 --> 00:10:43,146 Nah, I'm in hell. 243 00:10:45,649 --> 00:10:48,101 Walking around in this old broad's body 244 00:10:48,103 --> 00:10:51,304 is supposed to be some kind of eternal damnation. 245 00:10:52,573 --> 00:10:53,489 You know what? 246 00:10:53,491 --> 00:10:55,241 The joke's on them. 247 00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:57,777 Boobs are still boobs. 248 00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:01,781 So, why are you here? 249 00:11:01,783 --> 00:11:03,366 I thought you could use a little help. 250 00:11:03,368 --> 00:11:04,968 I have been through a rough patch. 251 00:11:04,970 --> 00:11:07,470 You look like you've been through a propeller. 252 00:11:08,739 --> 00:11:10,823 I came here to tell you it's not too late 253 00:11:10,825 --> 00:11:11,841 to turn your life around. 254 00:11:11,843 --> 00:11:12,659 How? 255 00:11:12,661 --> 00:11:14,344 Stop being a parasite. 256 00:11:14,346 --> 00:11:17,130 Step up. Be a man. Grow a pair. 257 00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:21,334 Uh, parenthetically, this body actually has a pair. 258 00:11:22,686 --> 00:11:25,104 They dangle right under my hooha. 259 00:11:28,175 --> 00:11:30,810 Did not need to know that. 260 00:11:30,812 --> 00:11:33,646 Point being, you lived on me for eight years 261 00:11:33,648 --> 00:11:35,398 and now you're living off this new guy. 262 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,350 Now, now, hang on. W-Walden's my friend. 263 00:11:37,352 --> 00:11:39,068 He invited me to stay with him. 264 00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:42,021 Oh, kiss my surprisingly tight ass. 265 00:11:42,023 --> 00:11:44,290 You're nobody's friend. 266 00:11:44,292 --> 00:11:47,243 You're a useless appendage, like tonsils, 267 00:11:47,245 --> 00:11:50,630 or the nutsack under my hooha. 268 00:11:50,632 --> 00:11:54,083 I see hell hasn't mellowed you out any. 269 00:11:54,085 --> 00:11:55,802 Listen to me, you got to get out 270 00:11:55,804 --> 00:11:58,221 of that guy's house and make a life for yourself. 271 00:11:58,223 --> 00:12:00,056 I suppose I could go live with Lyndsey. 272 00:12:00,058 --> 00:12:01,707 You're missing my point. 273 00:12:01,709 --> 00:12:03,726 I'm not suggesting that the tapeworm 274 00:12:03,728 --> 00:12:06,179 find a new colon to crawl into. 275 00:12:07,348 --> 00:12:08,915 Hold out your hand. 276 00:12:10,684 --> 00:12:12,568 Thank you. 277 00:12:14,238 --> 00:12:15,721 This is your last chance, Alan. 278 00:12:15,723 --> 00:12:17,690 Move out of that house. Get your own place. 279 00:12:17,692 --> 00:12:19,409 Start pulling your own weight in the world. 280 00:12:19,411 --> 00:12:21,077 Okay. I will. 281 00:12:21,079 --> 00:12:22,996 You'll see. I can change. 282 00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:24,497 Good. 283 00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,065 Then my work here is done. 284 00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,900 Well, thanks, Charlie. 285 00:12:27,902 --> 00:12:29,419 You got it. 286 00:12:29,421 --> 00:12:32,905 Oh, uh, (chuckles) 287 00:12:32,907 --> 00:12:34,090 Before I go... 288 00:12:35,009 --> 00:12:36,575 (unzipping): ...you gotta check this out. 289 00:12:37,294 --> 00:12:38,177 Oh! 290 00:12:38,179 --> 00:12:39,745 Oh! 291 00:12:39,747 --> 00:12:41,414 Was I lying? 292 00:12:41,416 --> 00:12:43,783 Tell me that's not disturbing. 293 00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:53,426 Men... 294 00:12:53,428 --> 00:12:55,061 What do you want me to do, Zoey? 295 00:12:55,063 --> 00:12:57,697 The last time I asked him to leave, he almost died. 296 00:12:57,699 --> 00:12:58,898 Well, what does that mean? 297 00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,117 He lives with you until he actually does die? 298 00:13:01,119 --> 00:13:03,736 No, just until he gets back on his feet. 299 00:13:03,738 --> 00:13:05,788 The man has no feet. 300 00:13:05,790 --> 00:13:07,707 He is a footless man. 301 00:13:07,709 --> 00:13:09,375 Okay, come on. 302 00:13:09,377 --> 00:13:12,045 What about his mother? Why doesn't he live with her? 303 00:13:12,047 --> 00:13:13,246 They don't really get along. 304 00:13:13,248 --> 00:13:14,831 What about his girlfriend? 305 00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:16,949 They don't really get along. 306 00:13:16,951 --> 00:13:18,418 Oh, God. 307 00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,086 So we're stuck with him forever. 308 00:13:20,088 --> 00:13:24,257 The man is the herpes of houseguests. 309 00:13:24,259 --> 00:13:25,675 (doorbell rings) 310 00:13:25,677 --> 00:13:27,243 Come on. That is not fair. 311 00:13:27,245 --> 00:13:28,311 You're right. 312 00:13:28,313 --> 00:13:30,646 Herpes sometimes disappears for a while. 313 00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,566 Surprise! 314 00:13:33,568 --> 00:13:34,600 Alan. 315 00:13:34,602 --> 00:13:36,602 Herpes. 316 00:13:36,604 --> 00:13:37,970 What? They let you out? 317 00:13:37,972 --> 00:13:39,805 Oh, no, no. I checked myself out. 318 00:13:39,807 --> 00:13:41,591 I didn't want you to have to pay one more penny for me. 319 00:13:41,593 --> 00:13:42,641 Oh, come on. 320 00:13:42,643 --> 00:13:43,809 The money is not important. 321 00:13:43,811 --> 00:13:45,161 What's important is your health. 322 00:13:45,163 --> 00:13:47,196 No, what's important is that I stop being a parasite 323 00:13:47,198 --> 00:13:48,364 and stand on my own two feet. 324 00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:50,166 ZOEY: You have no feet. 325 00:13:51,535 --> 00:13:52,952 What was that? 326 00:13:52,954 --> 00:13:54,036 It's Zoey. 327 00:13:54,038 --> 00:13:55,988 I'll be right there, honey. 328 00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:58,875 I'm just going to grab my stuff, and I'll get out of your hair. 329 00:13:58,877 --> 00:14:00,109 Are you sure? 330 00:14:00,111 --> 00:14:02,545 I am positive, Walden. I-I have had an epiphany. 331 00:14:02,547 --> 00:14:04,680 I need to make a big change in my life. 332 00:14:04,682 --> 00:14:06,516 Wow. 333 00:14:06,518 --> 00:14:07,683 Where will you go? 334 00:14:07,685 --> 00:14:09,602 Oh, I found a cute little place online. 335 00:14:09,604 --> 00:14:10,937 Uh, you know, it's not much, 336 00:14:10,939 --> 00:14:13,055 but, uh, at least I'll have my pride. 337 00:14:13,057 --> 00:14:14,524 I don't know, Alan. 338 00:14:14,526 --> 00:14:18,010 Let the man have his pride! 339 00:14:18,012 --> 00:14:21,531 Uh, here's my address for mailing stuff. 340 00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:24,484 If this is what you want... 341 00:14:24,486 --> 00:14:25,284 It's what I want. 342 00:14:25,286 --> 00:14:26,986 It's what everybody wants! 343 00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,189 Don't listen to her. 344 00:14:30,191 --> 00:14:32,458 Oh, no, no. She's right. 345 00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:35,578 She's an angry, cold-hearted tea bag! 346 00:14:35,580 --> 00:14:38,214 But she's right. 347 00:14:38,216 --> 00:14:40,583 What did he say? 348 00:14:40,585 --> 00:14:42,919 He said that you were right. 349 00:14:44,888 --> 00:14:46,672 Men... 350 00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:49,208 No, Jake. 351 00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:50,643 If I'm not living at the beach house, 352 00:14:50,645 --> 00:14:52,345 you're not living at the beach house. 353 00:14:52,347 --> 00:14:55,231 Yeah, well, sometimes life just isn't fair. 354 00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:58,568 Well, sure you can visit me where I'm living now. 355 00:14:58,570 --> 00:15:00,653 But, uh, you're not going to have your own room 356 00:15:00,655 --> 00:15:02,721 or your own bed or your own bathroom 357 00:15:02,723 --> 00:15:05,391 and... you might need to have a tetanus shot. 358 00:15:07,861 --> 00:15:10,046 But I'd love to have you. 359 00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:12,248 Okay, you let me know. 360 00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:15,084 Okay, good night. 361 00:15:19,206 --> 00:15:20,906 All right. 362 00:15:20,908 --> 00:15:22,959 It's not much, but... 363 00:15:22,961 --> 00:15:24,177 it's mine. 364 00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:28,598 I am self-sufficient. 365 00:15:31,051 --> 00:15:33,970 And beholden to no one. 366 00:15:39,726 --> 00:15:41,527 (caws) 367 00:15:41,529 --> 00:15:44,530 Oh, that's not a good sign. 368 00:15:44,532 --> 00:15:47,366 (cawing) 369 00:15:47,368 --> 00:15:49,202 Men... 370 00:15:50,153 --> 00:15:51,654 ZOEY: It's odd... 371 00:15:51,656 --> 00:15:53,272 But now that Alan's finally gone, 372 00:15:53,274 --> 00:15:54,991 I actually kind of miss him. 373 00:15:54,993 --> 00:15:56,325 Yeah, me too. 374 00:15:56,327 --> 00:15:57,793 Walden, I'm kidding. 375 00:15:59,446 --> 00:16:00,446 Oh, yeah, me too. 376 00:16:00,448 --> 00:16:01,998 (chuckles) 377 00:16:04,418 --> 00:16:05,835 So... 378 00:16:05,837 --> 00:16:07,970 Now that we have the house to ourselves, 379 00:16:07,972 --> 00:16:09,171 what would you like to do? 380 00:16:09,173 --> 00:16:11,140 What I would like to do 381 00:16:11,142 --> 00:16:13,192 is you. 382 00:16:14,645 --> 00:16:16,312 And where I would like to do it, 383 00:16:16,314 --> 00:16:18,397 is on every flat surface 384 00:16:18,399 --> 00:16:20,633 in every room of this house. 385 00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:22,568 Mm. Mm. 386 00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:24,136 Woo. Hey. 387 00:16:24,138 --> 00:16:26,639 Oh. Jake. 388 00:16:26,641 --> 00:16:27,573 This is my friend, Gabby. 389 00:16:27,575 --> 00:16:30,476 Hi! (giggles) 390 00:16:30,478 --> 00:16:32,445 We're going to go hang out in my room. 391 00:16:32,447 --> 00:16:34,113 Uh, Jake, uh, 392 00:16:34,115 --> 00:16:35,615 hold on. 393 00:16:35,617 --> 00:16:37,983 Have you spoken to your father lately? 394 00:16:37,985 --> 00:16:40,486 No, I don't believe I have. 395 00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,507 Look at the bright side. 396 00:16:44,509 --> 00:16:45,958 What bright side? 397 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,095 He might share some of his pot with us. 398 00:16:50,430 --> 00:16:52,965 Men... 399 00:16:55,936 --> 00:16:58,871 CHARLIE: Wake up, buttercup. 400 00:17:00,674 --> 00:17:03,392 Oh. Hey, Charlie. 401 00:17:04,778 --> 00:17:07,980 So, what do you think? 402 00:17:07,982 --> 00:17:09,949 I finally got my own place. 403 00:17:09,951 --> 00:17:11,867 Fantastic. 404 00:17:11,869 --> 00:17:14,337 You're not sponging off that rat, are you? 405 00:17:15,989 --> 00:17:16,956 There's a rat? 406 00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:18,124 Nah, I'm just kiddin'. 407 00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:20,859 He's dead. 408 00:17:20,861 --> 00:17:24,363 But aren't you proud of me? I mean, I did what you said. 409 00:17:24,365 --> 00:17:26,165 I'm standing on my own two feet. 410 00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:29,051 Yeah. (chuckles) 411 00:17:29,053 --> 00:17:30,486 Sucker. 412 00:17:32,556 --> 00:17:33,806 What? 413 00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:35,891 I had to come back from hell to do it, 414 00:17:35,893 --> 00:17:39,228 but I finally gotcha out of my freakin' house! 415 00:17:40,597 --> 00:17:43,232 But I-I-I thought you wanted me to be a better person. 416 00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:45,184 Nope. 417 00:17:45,186 --> 00:17:47,386 What? So you were just screwing with me? 418 00:17:47,388 --> 00:17:49,054 Yep. 419 00:17:49,056 --> 00:17:50,889 Why? 420 00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:55,161 I'm in hell, Alan. That's kind of what we do. 421 00:17:55,163 --> 00:17:56,912 Whoa! 422 00:17:56,914 --> 00:17:59,332 What a horrible dream. 423 00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:02,251 What's so horrible about it? 424 00:18:02,253 --> 00:18:03,369 (gasps) 425 00:18:03,371 --> 00:18:05,121 (sighs) 426 00:18:05,123 --> 00:18:07,906 Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo. 427 00:18:07,908 --> 00:18:10,209 Still here. 428 00:18:10,211 --> 00:18:12,378 (snorts) 429 00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:15,214 I can do this aaalll night. 430 00:18:19,085 --> 00:18:21,387 Men... 431 00:18:23,890 --> 00:18:25,941 (sighs) Okay. 432 00:18:27,093 --> 00:18:30,780 How do we sell this? Uh... 433 00:18:34,785 --> 00:18:36,485 911... 434 00:18:36,487 --> 00:18:38,437 911! 435 00:18:38,439 --> 00:18:41,624 Come on. You can do better than that. Uh... 436 00:18:41,626 --> 00:18:42,958 Ah... 437 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,260 (gasps) 438 00:18:47,214 --> 00:18:49,448 (panting): Help me. 439 00:18:49,450 --> 00:18:50,716 Call 911. 440 00:18:50,718 --> 00:18:51,584 (grunting) 441 00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:54,420 Am I dying or taking a dump? 442 00:18:57,391 --> 00:18:58,974 Ah. 443 00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:04,230 Call 911... Call 911... 444 00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,898 Yeah, that's it. Okay. 445 00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:09,134 Showtime. 446 00:19:09,136 --> 00:19:10,436 (knocking) 447 00:19:12,489 --> 00:19:13,856 Alan... 448 00:19:13,858 --> 00:19:15,491 Don't, don't worry. I'm not moving back in. 449 00:19:15,493 --> 00:19:17,109 I just forgot a few things. 450 00:19:17,111 --> 00:19:18,327 Yeah, like your son? 451 00:19:18,329 --> 00:19:20,513 Wait. Jake's here? 452 00:19:20,515 --> 00:19:21,914 Yeah, and his girlfriend. 453 00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:24,283 Ah, (scoffs) you know, damn that kid. 454 00:19:24,285 --> 00:19:27,486 I told him I was moving out and he was not to come back here. 455 00:19:27,488 --> 00:19:29,738 But does he listen to me? No. 456 00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:32,842 You know, no one ever listens to me and I... 457 00:19:36,046 --> 00:19:37,263 Call 911. 458 00:19:37,265 --> 00:19:38,964 Call 911. Oh, no, not again. 459 00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:40,516 Hold on. I'll get help. 460 00:19:42,519 --> 00:19:44,320 Son of a bitch. 461 00:19:45,889 --> 00:19:48,674 What's the matter? Couldn't find a shark? 462 00:19:57,702 --> 00:19:59,136 Men... 463 00:19:59,138 --> 00:20:00,471 So, what do you think, Doc? 464 00:20:00,473 --> 00:20:02,539 We won't know until we get all the tests back, 465 00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:04,625 but right now, his heart appears to be perfectly fine. 466 00:20:04,627 --> 00:20:06,327 WALDEN (sighs): Thank God. 467 00:20:06,329 --> 00:20:07,846 So how long before I can take him home? 468 00:20:07,871 --> 00:20:08,813 ZOEY: Walden? 469 00:20:08,814 --> 00:20:11,264 I am sorry, Zoey, but I am not going to have 470 00:20:11,266 --> 00:20:13,534 this man's death on my conscience. 471 00:20:19,074 --> 00:20:20,991 I'd like to thank the Academy. 472 00:20:24,329 --> 00:20:26,947 There are no small parts... 473 00:20:26,949 --> 00:20:28,882 only small apartments. 474 00:20:37,842 --> 00:20:39,893 I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here. 475 00:20:39,895 --> 00:20:43,147 Does that include the joint you just blew in the bathroom? 476 00:20:43,149 --> 00:20:45,232 How'd you know about that? 477 00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:47,568 Call it women's intuition, taterhead. 478 00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:50,154 Whoa, the only person that ever called me "taterhead" 479 00:20:50,156 --> 00:20:51,471 was my uncle Charlie. 480 00:20:51,473 --> 00:20:54,508 So, what does that tell ya? 481 00:20:55,777 --> 00:20:57,477 I have no idea. 482 00:20:57,479 --> 00:21:00,981 Screw it. I'm going back to hell. 483 00:21:03,918 --> 00:21:05,369 Ready, ladies? 484 00:21:05,371 --> 00:21:06,920 You bet. We are. 485 00:21:06,922 --> 00:21:09,322 Then let's go. 486 00:21:09,324 --> 00:21:12,710 And me with with just a nutsack. 487 00:21:12,712 --> 00:21:16,712 == sync, corrected by elderman ==