00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,466
-Morning.
-Morning.
2
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,033
[WALDEN CLICKING HIS TONGUE]
3
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,302
Oh, we got Maple Loops.
4
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[SINGING] It's got oats and corn and wheat
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
5
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It's maple, maple, maple-icious
6
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[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Not a Maple Loops fan?
7
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:26,856
Oh, no, I'm sorry. It just, uh, threw me.
My brother wrote that jingle.
8
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-Get out of here. He wrote Maple Loops?
-Yeah, he wrote lots of jingles.
9
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,588
Um, Maple Loops,
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets.
10
00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:34,096
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?
11
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[SINGING]
From the magic chocolate mountain
12
00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:38,234
There's a secret chocolate mine
13
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:43,570
With Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets
And a taste that's, oh, so fine
14
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:46,204
Wow, that's a good memory.
15
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:49,075
-What else? What else?
-Uh, well, there was, uh, Hammerstein Beer.
16
00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:51,877
[SINGING] The girls look prettier
With Hammerstein Beer
17
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,111
You like what you see
You like what you hear
18
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,947
Grab a cold, frosty mug and pull her near
19
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,556
'Cause the girls look prettier
With Hammerstein Beer
20
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,454
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I had no idea
your brother was a freaking genius.
21
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,861
Well, he managed to live 44 years
screwing everything that moved...
22
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,194
...without catching
a fatal venereal disease.
23
00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:14,536
I suppose there's a form
of genius in that.
24
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,235
You don't talk about him much.
Were you close?
25
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,902
We were inseparable. Why do you think
we lived together for so long?
26
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,380
Well, Berta says it's because
you're a parasitic leech.
27
00:01:24,617 --> 00:01:28,280
Admittedly that was one
of his pet names for me, but not true.
28
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,116
He loved me and I loved him.
29
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,780
Oh, you remember this one?
30
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,949
[SINGING] Bad stuff grows
In the cracks of your toes
31
00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:37,153
-But nobody knows like Toezene
-Like Toezene
32
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,965
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Yeah, he said I inspired that one.
33
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:44,494
-You miss him, don't you?
-Oh, of course I miss him.
34
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:48,630
I don't miss the smell of vomit
and lubricant in the morning...
35
00:01:48,808 --> 00:01:50,776
...but I do miss him.
36
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,878
Oh, what about this one?
37
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,843
[SINGING] I'm a pepper
She's a pepper
38
00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:56,481
She's a pepper
We're a pepper
39
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:58,116
Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?
40
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,184
Uh, uh, no, Charlie didn't do that one.
41
00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:01,377
Oh.
44
00:02:21,941 --> 00:02:26,605
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
45
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:32,445
-It's--
-It's maple, maple, maple-icious
46
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:38,255
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Sorry.
You were being sad, weren't you?
47
00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:40,590
A little.
48
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:46,793
I can't tell you how many hours
I watched my brother playing this piano.
49
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,900
Or passed out under it.
50
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:54,234
One time I walked in
and he was having sex on top of it.
51
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:59,535
You can see where the young lady's
ass print didn't quite wax out.
52
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:02,044
Maybe he should have used a coaster.
53
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:04,407
[DOORBELL RINGS]
54
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,949
Oh.
55
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:11,550
New business idea: ass coasters.
56
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,726
We're here to pick up a piano.
57
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:19,658
Oh, right. I forgot. Um....
58
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:21,231
[PLAYING PIANO]
59
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,629
Hold on.
60
00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:35,670
So I imagine you're anxious to get rid
of some of these painful memories.
61
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,275
No, are you kidding me?
62
00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:40,578
I mean, this piano is practically
all I have left of my brother.
63
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:45,551
Except for, you know,
all the DNA he left on the couch.
64
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:51,323
On the floor and on the walls
and the stairs.
65
00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:56,130
But I'm not gonna clone him,
so the piano's pretty much it.
66
00:03:57,136 --> 00:04:00,037
-Okay, we got a problem, then.
-How so?
67
00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:02,504
Well, you know how
I'm redecorating the house?
68
00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:06,270
I donated the piano to a music school
for underprivileged kids.
69
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:09,313
What? How could you be so selfish?
70
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,175
I'm sorry.
71
00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:15,447
I'll just tell the kids they have to keep
practicing on a painted slab of wood.
72
00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,621
Oh, no, no. You're right.
73
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:20,486
This should go to someone
who'll benefit from it.
74
00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:22,485
You sure?
75
00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:27,088
Yeah, yeah. Let me just get
Charlie's personal stuff out of here.
76
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:31,363
Oh, here's, uh, some
of his unfinished music.
77
00:04:31,537 --> 00:04:34,335
Um, panties.
78
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,502
Panties.
79
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,638
Panties.
80
00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:40,703
Water pipe.
81
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:43,840
Oh. Vibrator.
82
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:45,041
[BUZZES]
83
00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:51,353
So we're talking songs, thongs,
bongs and schlongs.
84
00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:54,823
If he had an autobiography,
that would be the title.
85
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:00,024
There was a time when
I'd have found these disgusting.
86
00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,723
And now?
87
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,560
There's a certain wistfulness mixed in
with my revulsion.
88
00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:05,761
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
89
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,073
-Ready to go here?
-Uh, yeah, come on.
90
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:11,107
It's over here.
91
00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:14,371
Thanks.
We would've had trouble finding it.
92
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:18,179
I changed my mind. You can't have him.
93
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:21,047
Okay, Alan, Alan, what about the kids?
94
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,154
Screw them.
95
00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:28,852
-We're gonna need another minute.
-Oh, Charlie. Why?
96
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:32,356
Why? Why? God, why?
97
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:35,729
Why? Why?
98
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,301
[ALAN SOBBING]
99
00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:43,865
White people.
100
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:49,042
Hello? Dad?
101
00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:50,980
ALAN:
Right here.
102
00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:52,944
Oh, hey.
103
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,217
Something's different.
104
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:03,054
Your uncle's piano is gone.
105
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:04,628
Oh, yeah.
106
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,325
Were we robbed?
107
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:11,064
Yes, we're the latest victims
of the piano thieves...
108
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,569
...that have been plaguing the beach.
109
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:16,407
Damn, they got my good bong.
110
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,945
What?
111
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,138
Man, that is so wrong.
112
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:27,251
No, it wasn't a robbery.
Walden's redecorating.
113
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,853
Cool.
114
00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:34,084
You know, for some reason, your uncle's
death is really starting to hit me.
115
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:36,785
I mean, I don't know if I was in deni--
What are you doing?
116
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:41,332
-Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie?
-Nice try.
117
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,935
You're not the only one
who misses him, you know.
118
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:46,264
Really? You never talk about it.
119
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:48,031
I need a beer to loosen up.
120
00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:55,205
Not gonna happen.
Now, come on, talk to me.
121
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:56,780
I don't know.
122
00:06:56,949 --> 00:07:00,282
Uncle Charlie just never treated me
like I was some stupid kid.
123
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,248
That's nice.
124
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,681
He treated me more like
a stupid person.
125
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,158
Well, I know he loved you.
126
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,160
How come
he didn't leave me anything?
127
00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:14,629
Well, you don't measure love
by things.
128
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,063
I disagree.
129
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:20,763
Nothing says "l love you"
like a Mercedes CL600.
130
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:24,670
Hey, the Mercedes was leased.
Is that all your uncle meant to you?
131
00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:27,404
-A nice car?
-Of course not. I learned a lot from him.
132
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:30,014
-Like what?
-Well, let's see.
133
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,208
If it doesn't fit, don't force it.
134
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:41,418
It's always better to say sorry afterwards
than ask for permission before.
135
00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:47,058
And if it's burning, bleeding or oozing,
go to see a doctor ASAP.
136
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,667
Oh, God.
137
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:55,364
But probably the most important thing
I learned is...
138
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,738
...by the time I'm his age,
I wanna be married and have a family.
139
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:02,813
-Really?
-Yeah, Uncle Charlie was very lonely, Dad.
140
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:06,074
Yeah. Yeah, he was.
141
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:08,277
And I don't wanna be like him.
142
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:11,184
Well, good for you.
143
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:14,121
Of course,
I don't wanna be like you either.
144
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,264
Even better.
145
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,400
By the way, do you have a number
for this Dr. Asap?
146
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:25,697
He's not listed anywhere.
147
00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:29,241
-What?
-I mean, I don't need him right now...
148
00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:33,435
...but I wanna have him on speed dial so
if I do, I can get him as soon as possible.
149
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:38,242
ASAP?
150
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,442
Yeah, him.
151
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,784
A-S-A-P?
152
00:08:44,957 --> 00:08:47,653
I know how to spell it, Dad.
I'm not an idiot.
153
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:56,062
-Can I get you another appletini, Alan?
-Yes.
154
00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:58,396
Uh, no, uh, make it a bourbon.
155
00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,563
-Since when do you drink bourbon?
-It's what my brother drank.
156
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:04,665
Yeah, but your brother knew
how to drink.
157
00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:07,777
I watched him. You don't think
I picked up a few things?
158
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:11,982
Maybe.
It certainly wasn't women or checks.
159
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:17,114
-Ah, there you are.
-Oh, how'd you find me?
160
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,454
Well, you're depressed.
161
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:22,685
When you're depressed, you drink.
When you drink, you come here.
162
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,626
If you were a fat guy, I would have gone
to where they serve pies.
163
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,664
Hi there. What can I get you?
164
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:32,633
I will have a ginger ale, please.
165
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,636
One ginger ale coming right up.
166
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:38,208
-Uh, I'm still waiting on that bourbon.
-I've only got two hands.
167
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,004
Here you go.
Can I get you anything else?
168
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:47,118
Slice of lime, peanuts,
breakfast in bed?
169
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:48,711
Thank you, I'm good.
170
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,481
Oh, I'm betting you are.
171
00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:53,684
[ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT]
172
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:57,291
Don't be clearing your throat at me.
173
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:01,129
-Here.
-Thank you.
174
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,397
She's nice.
175
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,198
To you, sure.
You live in a world of nice.
176
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:10,035
That's because I'm nice to people
and they're nice back.
177
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,507
It's because you're tall,
rich and good-looking.
178
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:16,671
-And nice.
-Please. That had nothing to do with it.
179
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,908
I mean, take my brother.
He wasn't nice.
180
00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,815
But he had money and looks,
so he always got a free pass.
181
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,752
Men wanted to be him
and women wanted to be with him.
182
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,755
Actually a few of the men wanted
to be with him too.
183
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,487
A couple of them actually succeeded,
but that's a story for another day.
184
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,362
Well, cheers.
185
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:37,029
Hi.
186
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,202
-Hi.
-Who's your friend?
187
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,777
He's a bloodthirsty psychopath
with a panel van...
188
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,913
...and a rag soaked in chloroform.
189
00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:50,842
Hi, I'm Alicia.
190
00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:53,512
I'm Walden.
191
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,182
[ALICIA GIGGLING]
192
00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:04,523
And then after he kills the women,
he peels off their faces...
193
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,892
...and uses them
to make hand puppets.
194
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:09,193
-Good night, Alan.
-Good night, Alan.
195
00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,893
Okay. See you in the Dumpster.
196
00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:13,402
[ALICIA GIGGLES]
197
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:16,432
Man.
198
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:20,810
I couldn't score a woman like that
if my semen cured cancer.
199
00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:30,112
Oh, Charlie.
200
00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:39,263
I'll bet you're up there watching
and laughing your ass off.
201
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,662
You left a big hole down here, buddy.
202
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,767
And a lot of little ones.
203
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:53,344
I never told you this
while you were still alive...
204
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,980
...but I would have given anything
to be like you.
205
00:11:58,684 --> 00:11:59,776
Even for a day.
206
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,283
[DOG BARKS]
207
00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,246
Hey, there, big guy.
208
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:06,952
Where'd you come from?
209
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,492
WOMAN: Douglas?
Douglas, where are you, boy?
210
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,062
Oh, up here.
211
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,429
Oh, pretty mommy.
212
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,934
Oh, there you are, Douglas.
I'm so sorry. I hope he didn't bother you.
213
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:22,040
-Not at all. My favorite kind of dog.
-Oh, you like labs?
214
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,870
No, I like dogs
that fetch me beautiful women.
215
00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:27,542
Cute. Is this your house?
216
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,273
-Uh, not exactly.
-What do you mean?
217
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:34,317
I mean, after we fall in love
and get married, it'll be ours.
218
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:36,512
Wow, you don't waste any time,
do you?
219
00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:39,814
Nope. When I see what I want,
I get right to the BS.
220
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:44,692
I'm Melanie. Melanie Laughlin.
221
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:48,129
Oh, nice to meet you, Melanie. I'm--
222
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:52,736
Charlie. Charlie Harper.
223
00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:01,136
That was fun.
224
00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:03,178
Yeah, it was.
225
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,841
I was a little worried I wasn't gonna
be able to get used to single life.
226
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:10,488
But this "casual sex with no commitment"
stuff is kind of growing on me.
227
00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,453
Wait, what?
228
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,917
Thank you for the intercourse.
229
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,153
Bye-bye.
230
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,968
Well, Mr. Penis is happy.
231
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,930
Time to take care of Mr. Stomach.
232
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,503
-Good morning.
-Morning.
233
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:39,178
You are an incredible lover,
Charlie Harper.
234
00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:43,584
I believe if a gal's worth doing,
she's worth doing well.
235
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,280
[LAUGHS]
236
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:46,890
You're terrible.
237
00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:49,458
Yes, I am.
238
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,290
Hey.
239
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:57,333
Can your dog hold a video camera?
240
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:03,864
Berta, how do you feel about casual sex?
241
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,635
I'm all for it.
242
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,171
Just let me finish the dishes
and run a comb through my hair.
243
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,477
Morning.
244
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:16,678
-Morning.
-Morning.
245
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,023
What are you doing?
246
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,256
Hair of the dog.
247
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,930
Oh, that one's not dog.
248
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,765
Bye. Call me.
249
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:38,000
I will.
As soon as I remember your name.
250
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:43,547
-Who was that?
-I just tapped a little strange last night.
251
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,740
[DOG BARKS]
252
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,509
Which one did you tap?
253
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:50,451
I'll give you a hint.
254
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,887
I didn't do the dog people-style.
255
00:14:56,462 --> 00:15:00,592
It's walking like Zippy,
but it sure ain't talking like Zippy.
256
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:04,202
I don't know him as well as you do.
Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
257
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,806
Prone, no. Eligible, certainly.
258
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,736
-Whoa, look who's getting busy.
JAKE: Hey.
259
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:17,582
Mr. Harper, we were just making out.
260
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,379
Yeah, we all know what happens
after making out: Making in-and-out.
261
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,787
Listen up, grasshoppers.
262
00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:32,761
You know how they say
that marijuana leads to harder drugs?
263
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,264
Well, the same thing applies
to the human tongue.
264
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,765
It leads to harder organs.
265
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,164
If you're not careful...
266
00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:43,467
...you'll wake up one morning
with a big-headed bun in the oven.
267
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:48,976
-No offense, Charlie Brown.
-I'm begging you. Please, leave.
268
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:52,675
Relax. I'm just looking out for you.
Here, tell you what.
269
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:56,014
Take the young lady
out for a nice dinner on me.
270
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,680
It's a dollar.
271
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:00,324
ALAN:
You're welcome.
272
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,660
I think we have a problem.
273
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,028
-Your father?
-Yeah.
274
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:14,296
He's acting like my Uncle Charlie.
He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie.
275
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:17,840
The only thing left of my dad
is his cheapness.
276
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:24,783
Well, Jake, he suffered a big loss.
277
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:29,282
People deal with that
in different ways.
278
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:33,687
I mean, I still haven't processed the grief
over my marriage ending.
279
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:37,989
I'm sure someday it'll hit me...
280
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:43,624
...that the most important person
in my life is gone.
281
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,995
My soul mate.
282
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,666
My best friend.
283
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,373
My lover.
284
00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:56,273
In the meantime, you just carry on.
285
00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:01,717
And you try to fill that void
by having casual drunk sex...
286
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:06,051
...with strange hot women that don't
mind if you dance around in their panties.
287
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,692
Is everybody turning into Uncle Charlie?
288
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:23,036
Ah, Cuban in one hand,
Scotch in the other.
289
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:26,541
All I need is a French chick in my lap
and I'm the United freaking Nations.
290
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:27,736
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
291
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:32,748
-Got a minute?
-Uh, pretty busy, but okay.
292
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:35,015
Thanks.
293
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,454
All right, look.
294
00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:41,855
People are really worried about you.
295
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:45,062
Hey, the only reason people
are worried about me...
296
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,256
...is because they can't wrap
their heads around how cool I am.
297
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,769
Yeah, no, I don't think that's it.
298
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,063
Look, I know you miss your brother.
299
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,367
Ha, ha. Miss my brother?
300
00:17:57,543 --> 00:17:59,909
That parasitic leech. Not likely.
301
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:04,246
Hey, you remember that shrink
that you sent me to?
302
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,577
-You should go see her.
-What for? I'm fine.
303
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,910
-What's your name?
-Charlie Harper.
304
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,350
You're not fine.
305
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:13,585
Well, I guess we'll have to agree
to disagree.
306
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,464
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you get some rest...
307
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:24,932
...maybe lick your finger,
stick it in a light socket...
308
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:28,801
...and we'll revisit this in the morning?
309
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,607
You got it, big fella.
310
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,446
Who the hell was that?
311
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:46,014
[SINGING]
It's got oats and corn and wheat
312
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:49,490
It's the sweetest breakfast treat
313
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,753
It's maple--
314
00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:54,558
[SINGING]
Maple, maple, maple-icious
315
00:18:56,101 --> 00:18:58,433
Uh, what are you doing in here?
316
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:00,367
What are you doing in here?
317
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,598
It's my shower.
318
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:05,971
-Once again, agree to disagree.
-Okay, listen--
319
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,511
Whoa, nice penis.
320
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,343
You could paint a face on that thing
and ride in the carpool lane.
321
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,345
Thank you.
322
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,684
Uh-oh. What's going on down there?
323
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,827
Call the cops. I've been robbed.
324
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:27,554
ALAN:
What a great idea.
325
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,697
-You and me, Vegas. Ha, ha.
-Yep.
326
00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:35,368
I am gonna show you a good time.
They love me in Vegas.
327
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:36,872
I'm sure they do.
328
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:40,306
Trust me, the name Charlie Harper
opens a lot of doors.
329
00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:42,640
And a lot of legs.
330
00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:44,042
No kidding.
331
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:45,683
But be sure to wear a condom.
332
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,649
Not everything stays in Vegas.
333
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:50,515
Okay.
334
00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:52,656
Well, here we are.
335
00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:54,758
Really? Doesn't look like the Bellagio.
336
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,587
It's the, uh, back entrance.
337
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,390
Not the only back entrance
we'll be using this weekend.
338
00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:01,465
Am I right? Up top.
339
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,898
[LAUGHS]
340
00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:08,769
Hello, Mr. Harper.
If you could just come with us.
341
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,876
Uh, don't forget my bags.
Going to the presidential suite?
342
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,035
Oh, yes, sir.
343
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,280
Slip them both a sawbuck.
I'll see you in the room.
344
00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:18,881
Will do.
345
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:23,854
This way, Mr. Harper.
346
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,453
So who's playing the big room?
Celine? Elton?
347
00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:31,619
I'm gonna want tickets, comped.
348
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:37,768
Uh, hello, concierge?
349
00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:41,269
Yes, um, this is Charlie Harper
in the presidential suite.
350
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:47,606
Uh, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice,
a bottle of Scotch and two Asian hookers.
351
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:51,973
You know what? They're small.
Make it three.
352
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:54,752
Yes, thanks.
353
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:55,978
[CLEARS THROAT]
354
00:20:57,689 --> 00:20:59,623
Winning.
355
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,945
[English - US - SDH]