00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,466 -Morning. -Morning. 2 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,033 [WALDEN CLICKING HIS TONGUE] 3 00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,302 Oh, we got Maple Loops. 4 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,842 [SINGING] It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat 5 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,849 It's maple, maple, maple-icious 6 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:21,879 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Not a Maple Loops fan? 7 00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:26,856 Oh, no, I'm sorry. It just, uh, threw me. My brother wrote that jingle. 8 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,894 -Get out of here. He wrote Maple Loops? -Yeah, he wrote lots of jingles. 9 00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,588 Um, Maple Loops, Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets. 10 00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:34,096 Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? 11 00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:36,729 [SINGING] From the magic chocolate mountain 12 00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:38,234 There's a secret chocolate mine 13 00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:43,570 With Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets And a taste that's, oh, so fine 14 00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:46,204 Wow, that's a good memory. 15 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:49,075 -What else? What else? -Uh, well, there was, uh, Hammerstein Beer. 16 00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:51,877 [SINGING] The girls look prettier With Hammerstein Beer 17 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,111 You like what you see You like what you hear 18 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,947 Grab a cold, frosty mug and pull her near 19 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,556 'Cause the girls look prettier With Hammerstein Beer 20 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,454 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I had no idea your brother was a freaking genius. 21 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,861 Well, he managed to live 44 years screwing everything that moved... 22 00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,194 ...without catching a fatal venereal disease. 23 00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:14,536 I suppose there's a form of genius in that. 24 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,235 You don't talk about him much. Were you close? 25 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,902 We were inseparable. Why do you think we lived together for so long? 26 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,380 Well, Berta says it's because you're a parasitic leech. 27 00:01:24,617 --> 00:01:28,280 Admittedly that was one of his pet names for me, but not true. 28 00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,116 He loved me and I loved him. 29 00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,780 Oh, you remember this one? 30 00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:33,949 [SINGING] Bad stuff grows In the cracks of your toes 31 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:37,153 -But nobody knows like Toezene -Like Toezene 32 00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,965 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, he said I inspired that one. 33 00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:44,494 -You miss him, don't you? -Oh, of course I miss him. 34 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:48,630 I don't miss the smell of vomit and lubricant in the morning... 35 00:01:48,808 --> 00:01:50,776 ...but I do miss him. 36 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,878 Oh, what about this one? 37 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,843 [SINGING] I'm a pepper She's a pepper 38 00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:56,481 She's a pepper We're a pepper 39 00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:58,116 Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? 40 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,184 Uh, uh, no, Charlie didn't do that one. 41 00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:01,377 Oh. 44 00:02:21,941 --> 00:02:26,605 It's the sweetest breakfast treat 45 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:32,445 -It's-- -It's maple, maple, maple-icious 46 00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:38,255 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Sorry. You were being sad, weren't you? 47 00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:40,590 A little. 48 00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:46,793 I can't tell you how many hours I watched my brother playing this piano. 49 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,900 Or passed out under it. 50 00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:54,234 One time I walked in and he was having sex on top of it. 51 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:59,535 You can see where the young lady's ass print didn't quite wax out. 52 00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:02,044 Maybe he should have used a coaster. 53 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:04,407 [DOORBELL RINGS] 54 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:05,949 Oh. 55 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:11,550 New business idea: ass coasters. 56 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,726 We're here to pick up a piano. 57 00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:19,658 Oh, right. I forgot. Um.... 58 00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:21,231 [PLAYING PIANO] 59 00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,629 Hold on. 60 00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:35,670 So I imagine you're anxious to get rid of some of these painful memories. 61 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,275 No, are you kidding me? 62 00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:40,578 I mean, this piano is practically all I have left of my brother. 63 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:45,551 Except for, you know, all the DNA he left on the couch. 64 00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:51,323 On the floor and on the walls and the stairs. 65 00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:56,130 But I'm not gonna clone him, so the piano's pretty much it. 66 00:03:57,136 --> 00:04:00,037 -Okay, we got a problem, then. -How so? 67 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:02,504 Well, you know how I'm redecorating the house? 68 00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:06,270 I donated the piano to a music school for underprivileged kids. 69 00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:09,313 What? How could you be so selfish? 70 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,175 I'm sorry. 71 00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:15,447 I'll just tell the kids they have to keep practicing on a painted slab of wood. 72 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,621 Oh, no, no. You're right. 73 00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:20,486 This should go to someone who'll benefit from it. 74 00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:22,485 You sure? 75 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:27,088 Yeah, yeah. Let me just get Charlie's personal stuff out of here. 76 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:31,363 Oh, here's, uh, some of his unfinished music. 77 00:04:31,537 --> 00:04:34,335 Um, panties. 78 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,502 Panties. 79 00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,638 Panties. 80 00:04:39,145 --> 00:04:40,703 Water pipe. 81 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:43,840 Oh. Vibrator. 82 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:45,041 [BUZZES] 83 00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:51,353 So we're talking songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs. 84 00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:54,823 If he had an autobiography, that would be the title. 85 00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:00,024 There was a time when I'd have found these disgusting. 86 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:01,723 And now? 87 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,560 There's a certain wistfulness mixed in with my revulsion. 88 00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:05,761 [KNOCKING AT DOOR] 89 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,073 -Ready to go here? -Uh, yeah, come on. 90 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:11,107 It's over here. 91 00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:14,371 Thanks. We would've had trouble finding it. 92 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:18,179 I changed my mind. You can't have him. 93 00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:21,047 Okay, Alan, Alan, what about the kids? 94 00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,154 Screw them. 95 00:05:25,291 --> 00:05:28,852 -We're gonna need another minute. -Oh, Charlie. Why? 96 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:32,356 Why? Why? God, why? 97 00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:35,729 Why? Why? 98 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,301 [ALAN SOBBING] 99 00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:43,865 White people. 100 00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:49,042 Hello? Dad? 101 00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:50,980 ALAN: Right here. 102 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:52,944 Oh, hey. 103 00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,217 Something's different. 104 00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:03,054 Your uncle's piano is gone. 105 00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:04,628 Oh, yeah. 106 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,325 Were we robbed? 107 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:11,064 Yes, we're the latest victims of the piano thieves... 108 00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,569 ...that have been plaguing the beach. 109 00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:16,407 Damn, they got my good bong. 110 00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,945 What? 111 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,138 Man, that is so wrong. 112 00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:27,251 No, it wasn't a robbery. Walden's redecorating. 113 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,853 Cool. 114 00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:34,084 You know, for some reason, your uncle's death is really starting to hit me. 115 00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:36,785 I mean, I don't know if I was in deni-- What are you doing? 116 00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:41,332 -Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie? -Nice try. 117 00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,935 You're not the only one who misses him, you know. 118 00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:46,264 Really? You never talk about it. 119 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:48,031 I need a beer to loosen up. 120 00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:55,205 Not gonna happen. Now, come on, talk to me. 121 00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:56,780 I don't know. 122 00:06:56,949 --> 00:07:00,282 Uncle Charlie just never treated me like I was some stupid kid. 123 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,248 That's nice. 124 00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:05,681 He treated me more like a stupid person. 125 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,158 Well, I know he loved you. 126 00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:12,160 How come he didn't leave me anything? 127 00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:14,629 Well, you don't measure love by things. 128 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,063 I disagree. 129 00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:20,763 Nothing says "l love you" like a Mercedes CL600. 130 00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:24,670 Hey, the Mercedes was leased. Is that all your uncle meant to you? 131 00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:27,404 -A nice car? -Of course not. I learned a lot from him. 132 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:30,014 -Like what? -Well, let's see. 133 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,208 If it doesn't fit, don't force it. 134 00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:41,418 It's always better to say sorry afterwards than ask for permission before. 135 00:07:43,429 --> 00:07:47,058 And if it's burning, bleeding or oozing, go to see a doctor ASAP. 136 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,667 Oh, God. 137 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:55,364 But probably the most important thing I learned is... 138 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:58,738 ...by the time I'm his age, I wanna be married and have a family. 139 00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:02,813 -Really? -Yeah, Uncle Charlie was very lonely, Dad. 140 00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:06,074 Yeah. Yeah, he was. 141 00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:08,277 And I don't wanna be like him. 142 00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:11,184 Well, good for you. 143 00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:14,121 Of course, I don't wanna be like you either. 144 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,264 Even better. 145 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,400 By the way, do you have a number for this Dr. Asap? 146 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:25,697 He's not listed anywhere. 147 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:29,241 -What? -I mean, I don't need him right now... 148 00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:33,435 ...but I wanna have him on speed dial so if I do, I can get him as soon as possible. 149 00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:38,242 ASAP? 150 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,442 Yeah, him. 151 00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,784 A-S-A-P? 152 00:08:44,957 --> 00:08:47,653 I know how to spell it, Dad. I'm not an idiot. 153 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:56,062 -Can I get you another appletini, Alan? -Yes. 154 00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:58,396 Uh, no, uh, make it a bourbon. 155 00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,563 -Since when do you drink bourbon? -It's what my brother drank. 156 00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:04,665 Yeah, but your brother knew how to drink. 157 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:07,777 I watched him. You don't think I picked up a few things? 158 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:11,982 Maybe. It certainly wasn't women or checks. 159 00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:17,114 -Ah, there you are. -Oh, how'd you find me? 160 00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,454 Well, you're depressed. 161 00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:22,685 When you're depressed, you drink. When you drink, you come here. 162 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,626 If you were a fat guy, I would have gone to where they serve pies. 163 00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,664 Hi there. What can I get you? 164 00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:32,633 I will have a ginger ale, please. 165 00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:34,636 One ginger ale coming right up. 166 00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:38,208 -Uh, I'm still waiting on that bourbon. -I've only got two hands. 167 00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,004 Here you go. Can I get you anything else? 168 00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:47,118 Slice of lime, peanuts, breakfast in bed? 169 00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:48,711 Thank you, I'm good. 170 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,481 Oh, I'm betting you are. 171 00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:53,684 [ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT] 172 00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:57,291 Don't be clearing your throat at me. 173 00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:01,129 -Here. -Thank you. 174 00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,397 She's nice. 175 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,198 To you, sure. You live in a world of nice. 176 00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:10,035 That's because I'm nice to people and they're nice back. 177 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,507 It's because you're tall, rich and good-looking. 178 00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:16,671 -And nice. -Please. That had nothing to do with it. 179 00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,908 I mean, take my brother. He wasn't nice. 180 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:21,815 But he had money and looks, so he always got a free pass. 181 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,752 Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him. 182 00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,755 Actually a few of the men wanted to be with him too. 183 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,487 A couple of them actually succeeded, but that's a story for another day. 184 00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,362 Well, cheers. 185 00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:37,029 Hi. 186 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,202 -Hi. -Who's your friend? 187 00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,777 He's a bloodthirsty psychopath with a panel van... 188 00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,913 ...and a rag soaked in chloroform. 189 00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:50,842 Hi, I'm Alicia. 190 00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:53,512 I'm Walden. 191 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,182 [ALICIA GIGGLING] 192 00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:04,523 And then after he kills the women, he peels off their faces... 193 00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,892 ...and uses them to make hand puppets. 194 00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:09,193 -Good night, Alan. -Good night, Alan. 195 00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,893 Okay. See you in the Dumpster. 196 00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:13,402 [ALICIA GIGGLES] 197 00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:16,432 Man. 198 00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:20,810 I couldn't score a woman like that if my semen cured cancer. 199 00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:30,112 Oh, Charlie. 200 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:39,263 I'll bet you're up there watching and laughing your ass off. 201 00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,662 You left a big hole down here, buddy. 202 00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,767 And a lot of little ones. 203 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:53,344 I never told you this while you were still alive... 204 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,980 ...but I would have given anything to be like you. 205 00:11:58,684 --> 00:11:59,776 Even for a day. 206 00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,283 [DOG BARKS] 207 00:12:03,756 --> 00:12:05,246 Hey, there, big guy. 208 00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:06,952 Where'd you come from? 209 00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,492 WOMAN: Douglas? Douglas, where are you, boy? 210 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,062 Oh, up here. 211 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,429 Oh, pretty mommy. 212 00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,934 Oh, there you are, Douglas. I'm so sorry. I hope he didn't bother you. 213 00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:22,040 -Not at all. My favorite kind of dog. -Oh, you like labs? 214 00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,870 No, I like dogs that fetch me beautiful women. 215 00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:27,542 Cute. Is this your house? 216 00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,273 -Uh, not exactly. -What do you mean? 217 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:34,317 I mean, after we fall in love and get married, it'll be ours. 218 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:36,512 Wow, you don't waste any time, do you? 219 00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:39,814 Nope. When I see what I want, I get right to the BS. 220 00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:44,692 I'm Melanie. Melanie Laughlin. 221 00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:48,129 Oh, nice to meet you, Melanie. I'm-- 222 00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:52,736 Charlie. Charlie Harper. 223 00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:01,136 That was fun. 224 00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:03,178 Yeah, it was. 225 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,841 I was a little worried I wasn't gonna be able to get used to single life. 226 00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:10,488 But this "casual sex with no commitment" stuff is kind of growing on me. 227 00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,453 Wait, what? 228 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,917 Thank you for the intercourse. 229 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,153 Bye-bye. 230 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,968 Well, Mr. Penis is happy. 231 00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:27,930 Time to take care of Mr. Stomach. 232 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,503 -Good morning. -Morning. 233 00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:39,178 You are an incredible lover, Charlie Harper. 234 00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:43,584 I believe if a gal's worth doing, she's worth doing well. 235 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,280 [LAUGHS] 236 00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:46,890 You're terrible. 237 00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:49,458 Yes, I am. 238 00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,290 Hey. 239 00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:57,333 Can your dog hold a video camera? 240 00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:03,864 Berta, how do you feel about casual sex? 241 00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,635 I'm all for it. 242 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,171 Just let me finish the dishes and run a comb through my hair. 243 00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,477 Morning. 244 00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:16,678 -Morning. -Morning. 245 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,023 What are you doing? 246 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,256 Hair of the dog. 247 00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,930 Oh, that one's not dog. 248 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,765 Bye. Call me. 249 00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:38,000 I will. As soon as I remember your name. 250 00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:43,547 -Who was that? -I just tapped a little strange last night. 251 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,740 [DOG BARKS] 252 00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,509 Which one did you tap? 253 00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:50,451 I'll give you a hint. 254 00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,887 I didn't do the dog people-style. 255 00:14:56,462 --> 00:15:00,592 It's walking like Zippy, but it sure ain't talking like Zippy. 256 00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:04,202 I don't know him as well as you do. Is he prone to mental breakdowns? 257 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,806 Prone, no. Eligible, certainly. 258 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,736 -Whoa, look who's getting busy. JAKE: Hey. 259 00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:17,582 Mr. Harper, we were just making out. 260 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,379 Yeah, we all know what happens after making out: Making in-and-out. 261 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,787 Listen up, grasshoppers. 262 00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:32,761 You know how they say that marijuana leads to harder drugs? 263 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,264 Well, the same thing applies to the human tongue. 264 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,765 It leads to harder organs. 265 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,164 If you're not careful... 266 00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:43,467 ...you'll wake up one morning with a big-headed bun in the oven. 267 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:48,976 -No offense, Charlie Brown. -I'm begging you. Please, leave. 268 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:52,675 Relax. I'm just looking out for you. Here, tell you what. 269 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:56,014 Take the young lady out for a nice dinner on me. 270 00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,680 It's a dollar. 271 00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:00,324 ALAN: You're welcome. 272 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,660 I think we have a problem. 273 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,028 -Your father? -Yeah. 274 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:14,296 He's acting like my Uncle Charlie. He's even dressing like my Uncle Charlie. 275 00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:17,840 The only thing left of my dad is his cheapness. 276 00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:24,783 Well, Jake, he suffered a big loss. 277 00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:29,282 People deal with that in different ways. 278 00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:33,687 I mean, I still haven't processed the grief over my marriage ending. 279 00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:37,989 I'm sure someday it'll hit me... 280 00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:43,624 ...that the most important person in my life is gone. 281 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,995 My soul mate. 282 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,666 My best friend. 283 00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,373 My lover. 284 00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:56,273 In the meantime, you just carry on. 285 00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:01,717 And you try to fill that void by having casual drunk sex... 286 00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:06,051 ...with strange hot women that don't mind if you dance around in their panties. 287 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,692 Is everybody turning into Uncle Charlie? 288 00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:23,036 Ah, Cuban in one hand, Scotch in the other. 289 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:26,541 All I need is a French chick in my lap and I'm the United freaking Nations. 290 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:27,736 [KNOCKING AT DOOR] 291 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:32,748 -Got a minute? -Uh, pretty busy, but okay. 292 00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:35,015 Thanks. 293 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,454 All right, look. 294 00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:41,855 People are really worried about you. 295 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:45,062 Hey, the only reason people are worried about me... 296 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,256 ...is because they can't wrap their heads around how cool I am. 297 00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,769 Yeah, no, I don't think that's it. 298 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,063 Look, I know you miss your brother. 299 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,367 Ha, ha. Miss my brother? 300 00:17:57,543 --> 00:17:59,909 That parasitic leech. Not likely. 301 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:04,246 Hey, you remember that shrink that you sent me to? 302 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,577 -You should go see her. -What for? I'm fine. 303 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,910 -What's your name? -Charlie Harper. 304 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,350 You're not fine. 305 00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:13,585 Well, I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. 306 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,464 I'll tell you what. Why don't you get some rest... 307 00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:24,932 ...maybe lick your finger, stick it in a light socket... 308 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:28,801 ...and we'll revisit this in the morning? 309 00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,607 You got it, big fella. 310 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,446 Who the hell was that? 311 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:46,014 [SINGING] It's got oats and corn and wheat 312 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:49,490 It's the sweetest breakfast treat 313 00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,753 It's maple-- 314 00:18:50,929 --> 00:18:54,558 [SINGING] Maple, maple, maple-icious 315 00:18:56,101 --> 00:18:58,433 Uh, what are you doing in here? 316 00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:00,367 What are you doing in here? 317 00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,598 It's my shower. 318 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:05,971 -Once again, agree to disagree. -Okay, listen-- 319 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,511 Whoa, nice penis. 320 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,343 You could paint a face on that thing and ride in the carpool lane. 321 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,345 Thank you. 322 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,684 Uh-oh. What's going on down there? 323 00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,827 Call the cops. I've been robbed. 324 00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:27,554 ALAN: What a great idea. 325 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,697 -You and me, Vegas. Ha, ha. -Yep. 326 00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:35,368 I am gonna show you a good time. They love me in Vegas. 327 00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:36,872 I'm sure they do. 328 00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:40,306 Trust me, the name Charlie Harper opens a lot of doors. 329 00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:42,640 And a lot of legs. 330 00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:44,042 No kidding. 331 00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:45,683 But be sure to wear a condom. 332 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,649 Not everything stays in Vegas. 333 00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:50,515 Okay. 334 00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:52,656 Well, here we are. 335 00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:54,758 Really? Doesn't look like the Bellagio. 336 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,587 It's the, uh, back entrance. 337 00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,390 Not the only back entrance we'll be using this weekend. 338 00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:01,465 Am I right? Up top. 339 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,898 [LAUGHS] 340 00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:08,769 Hello, Mr. Harper. If you could just come with us. 341 00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:11,876 Uh, don't forget my bags. Going to the presidential suite? 342 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:14,035 Oh, yes, sir. 343 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,280 Slip them both a sawbuck. I'll see you in the room. 344 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:18,881 Will do. 345 00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:23,854 This way, Mr. Harper. 346 00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,453 So who's playing the big room? Celine? Elton? 347 00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:31,619 I'm gonna want tickets, comped. 348 00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:37,768 Uh, hello, concierge? 349 00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:41,269 Yes, um, this is Charlie Harper in the presidential suite. 350 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:47,606 Uh, I'm gonna need a bucket of ice, a bottle of Scotch and two Asian hookers. 351 00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:51,973 You know what? They're small. Make it three. 352 00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:54,752 Yes, thanks. 353 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:55,978 [CLEARS THROAT] 354 00:20:57,689 --> 00:20:59,623 Winning. 355 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,945 [English - US - SDH]