00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,113 --> 00:00:02,513 (funeral march): ♪ Men, men, men, men ♪ 2 00:00:02,515 --> 00:00:07,101 ♪ Men, men, men, men, men, men, men. ♪ 3 00:00:07,103 --> 00:00:08,102 Hello. 4 00:00:08,104 --> 00:00:10,388 I'm Charlie's brother Alan. 5 00:00:10,390 --> 00:00:12,690 I want to thank you all for coming. 6 00:00:12,692 --> 00:00:13,691 I know this is 7 00:00:13,693 --> 00:00:15,676 a very sad day for all of us. 8 00:00:15,678 --> 00:00:17,177 Speak for yourself. 9 00:00:18,697 --> 00:00:20,114 Okay. 10 00:00:20,116 --> 00:00:25,653 Uh, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings." 11 00:00:25,655 --> 00:00:29,540 Um... but I think we can all agree 12 00:00:29,542 --> 00:00:31,659 that Charlie lived life to its fullest 13 00:00:31,661 --> 00:00:33,861 and-and gave it everything he had. 14 00:00:33,863 --> 00:00:35,546 Gave me herpes. 15 00:00:37,198 --> 00:00:39,049 Chlamydia. 16 00:00:39,051 --> 00:00:40,885 Vaginal warts. 17 00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:45,840 Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about. 18 00:00:45,842 --> 00:00:49,176 I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone, 19 00:00:49,178 --> 00:00:52,980 leaving me with nothing but my memories and my regrets 20 00:00:52,982 --> 00:00:55,266 and the listing for his beautiful beachfront 21 00:00:55,268 --> 00:00:57,217 Malibu getaway with three bedrooms 22 00:00:57,219 --> 00:00:58,819 and three and a half baths 23 00:00:58,821 --> 00:01:01,489 and a beautiful panoramic ocean view. 24 00:01:01,491 --> 00:01:02,656 (sniffles) 25 00:01:02,658 --> 00:01:05,659 Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn. 26 00:01:07,195 --> 00:01:08,612 Thank you, Mom. 27 00:01:08,614 --> 00:01:10,030 Um, anyway... 28 00:01:10,032 --> 00:01:12,900 Open house is Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00. 29 00:01:14,419 --> 00:01:16,236 Okay. 30 00:01:16,238 --> 00:01:20,624 Um, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother, 31 00:01:20,626 --> 00:01:23,260 um, and his incredible love for life. 32 00:01:23,262 --> 00:01:25,796 He also loved being spanked. 33 00:01:25,798 --> 00:01:28,081 While wearing my panties. 34 00:01:29,217 --> 00:01:31,719 He used my panties to make tea. 35 00:01:36,424 --> 00:01:41,261 M-My point is, um, that Charlie lived life on his own terms 36 00:01:41,263 --> 00:01:44,648 and-and never apologized for who he was. 37 00:01:44,650 --> 00:01:45,950 Yeah, blah, blah, blah. 38 00:01:45,952 --> 00:01:47,718 Why can't we see the body? 39 00:01:49,270 --> 00:01:51,989 Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin. 40 00:01:51,991 --> 00:01:53,941 Okay, I understand how you feel, 41 00:01:53,943 --> 00:01:57,211 but unfortunately due to the circumstances of his passing, 44 00:02:03,636 --> 00:02:05,169 O-Okay. 45 00:02:05,171 --> 00:02:07,888 Uh, I wasn't planning on doing a Q and A, 46 00:02:07,890 --> 00:02:09,223 uh, but go ahead. 47 00:02:09,225 --> 00:02:10,724 Thank you. 48 00:02:10,726 --> 00:02:13,594 Charlie owes me $38,000 for some, 49 00:02:13,596 --> 00:02:15,312 let's say, pharmaceuticals. 50 00:02:16,731 --> 00:02:18,899 Who do I talk to about that? 51 00:02:18,901 --> 00:02:21,402 Uh, well, I think that's something 52 00:02:21,404 --> 00:02:23,070 you'll have to discuss with the lawyers. 53 00:02:23,072 --> 00:02:24,104 Yeah. 54 00:02:24,106 --> 00:02:26,657 I'd rather not involve the law. 55 00:02:26,659 --> 00:02:30,861 And now, uh, I thought we'd take this moment 56 00:02:30,863 --> 00:02:34,314 to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end. 57 00:02:44,426 --> 00:02:46,093 Thank you, Alan. 58 00:02:47,796 --> 00:02:50,598 Charlie Harper was the love of my life 59 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,800 and a wonderful, wonderful man. 60 00:02:52,802 --> 00:02:54,802 (sneezes): Selfish pig. 61 00:02:56,354 --> 00:02:59,940 Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs 62 00:02:59,942 --> 00:03:02,059 and the occasional restraining order. 63 00:03:02,061 --> 00:03:03,611 But at the end, 64 00:03:03,613 --> 00:03:08,716 we ran away together to Paris, where he asked me to marry him. 65 00:03:08,718 --> 00:03:10,584 I said yes. 66 00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:14,455 And the next few days were the happiest of my life. 67 00:03:14,457 --> 00:03:16,123 Nothing could spoil it. 68 00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,042 Not even when I came home from shopping 69 00:03:18,044 --> 00:03:20,811 and found him taking a shower with another woman. 70 00:03:20,813 --> 00:03:21,862 (crowd murmuring) 71 00:03:21,864 --> 00:03:24,865 That's our Charlie. 72 00:03:26,534 --> 00:03:29,036 But I forgave him 73 00:03:29,038 --> 00:03:32,273 because I loved him unconditionally. 74 00:03:32,275 --> 00:03:35,876 So you can imagine my horror when, the very next day, 75 00:03:35,878 --> 00:03:37,261 he slipped on the Metro platform 76 00:03:37,263 --> 00:03:39,480 and fell in front of an oncoming train. 77 00:03:41,049 --> 00:03:43,767 Never cross a crazy woman. 78 00:03:43,769 --> 00:03:48,072 I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer. 79 00:03:48,074 --> 00:03:52,426 His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat. 80 00:03:53,561 --> 00:03:56,180 Thank you. 81 00:04:00,502 --> 00:04:01,702 I'm hungry. 82 00:04:01,704 --> 00:04:04,071 Anyone else hungry? 83 00:04:04,073 --> 00:04:06,907 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 84 00:04:06,909 --> 00:04:09,960 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 85 00:04:09,969 --> 00:04:12,469 ♪ Two and a Half Men 9x01 ♪ Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt Original Air Date on September 19, 2010 86 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,970 == sync, corrected by $H@uNa|< == 87 00:04:14,971 --> 00:04:16,487 ♪ Men. ♪ 88 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:21,093 Charlie was the best boss I ever had. 89 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:24,830 I needed a day off, "Sure, Berta, no problem." 90 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,198 I needed a couple 91 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,533 extra bucks, 92 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:30,069 "Sure, Berta, no problem." 93 00:04:30,071 --> 00:04:32,989 All he ever asked in return was clean sheets 94 00:04:32,991 --> 00:04:37,410 and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker. 95 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,598 What a beautiful story. 96 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,502 Can I count on you to keep the house clean till I sell it? 97 00:04:46,504 --> 00:04:48,654 Can I count on you to keep paying me? 98 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,223 Well, there's virtually no money in Charlie's estate, 99 00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:53,676 but I'll be happy to pay you once the house sells. 100 00:04:53,678 --> 00:04:55,728 Then that's when I'll clean it. 101 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,381 I still don't see why we have to sell. 102 00:04:58,383 --> 00:04:59,665 I mean, he left it to me. 103 00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,000 Obviously, he wanted me to have it. 104 00:05:01,002 --> 00:05:02,285 Can you make the mortgage payments? 105 00:05:02,310 --> 00:05:03,203 No. 106 00:05:03,204 --> 00:05:05,004 Can you pay the property tax? 107 00:05:05,006 --> 00:05:07,172 Not per se. 108 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,225 But I was kind of hoping you'd help out. 109 00:05:09,227 --> 00:05:11,944 I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time. 110 00:05:11,946 --> 00:05:14,463 (farts) 111 00:05:15,866 --> 00:05:18,534 Good job raising him. 112 00:05:18,536 --> 00:05:22,538 Uh, darling, I can't afford to maintain my house 113 00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:24,490 and your house at the same time. 114 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,075 But you're my mommy. 115 00:05:26,077 --> 00:05:29,662 Good job raising him. 116 00:05:30,681 --> 00:05:33,916 Once I sell this place, you can come live with me. 117 00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,200 But why would I have to? 118 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,253 I mean, won't I get a lot of money from the sale? 119 00:05:37,255 --> 00:05:40,556 Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages on this place. 120 00:05:40,558 --> 00:05:43,175 Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees 121 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,394 and my commission, you'll be lucky to break even. 122 00:05:45,396 --> 00:05:47,346 Wait a minute, you're planning to take a commission? 123 00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:48,514 She doesn't work for free. 124 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:49,982 Why should I? 125 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:57,356 Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody. 126 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:58,607 ♪ Men. ♪ 127 00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,776 (doorbell rings) 128 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,329 Hi. I'm here for the open house. 129 00:06:03,331 --> 00:06:04,747 Of course. Come right in. 130 00:06:04,749 --> 00:06:06,032 Thank you. 131 00:06:06,034 --> 00:06:08,901 Three bedrooms, three and a half baths, 132 00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:11,587 60 feet of prime Malibu oceanfront. 133 00:06:11,589 --> 00:06:13,839 Wait a minute, I know this place. 134 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,291 This is Charlie Harper's place, right? 135 00:06:15,293 --> 00:06:16,258 It was. 136 00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:17,376 Then I can't buy it. 137 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,045 Uh... 138 00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:20,029 What? Why? 139 00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,213 Bad memories. 140 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,515 Charlie and I had this 141 00:06:22,517 --> 00:06:25,250 drunken threesome with a crazy chick right on this couch. 142 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,769 Sounds like a good memory. 143 00:06:26,771 --> 00:06:28,888 Yeah, well, unfortunately she passed out 144 00:06:28,890 --> 00:06:31,040 and Charlie and I kept going without her. 145 00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,259 Bad memory. 146 00:06:35,045 --> 00:06:38,030 Oh, the feng shui is great. 147 00:06:38,032 --> 00:06:41,050 I mean, the place just oozes positive energy. 148 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:45,905 It's not practical. 149 00:06:45,907 --> 00:06:47,873 The commute downtown would kill me. 150 00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,208 Don't worry, sweetie. 151 00:06:49,210 --> 00:06:50,493 Just let the universe provide. 152 00:06:50,495 --> 00:06:52,444 The universe doesn't provide, I provide. 153 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,730 I bust my ass 80 hours a week. 154 00:06:54,732 --> 00:06:56,132 Uh-oh. 155 00:06:56,134 --> 00:06:58,801 Sounds like somebody needs to meditate. 156 00:06:58,803 --> 00:06:59,919 Uh-oh. 157 00:06:59,921 --> 00:07:02,221 Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce. 158 00:07:02,223 --> 00:07:03,389 Really? 159 00:07:03,391 --> 00:07:04,790 You want to play that card? 160 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,292 'Cause I will take you and your uptight bourgeois family 161 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,512 for every penny you've got. 162 00:07:09,514 --> 00:07:10,729 Bye-bye! 163 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,484 Bye-bye! 164 00:07:18,288 --> 00:07:19,989 What a fun couple. 165 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,808 ♪ Men. ♪ 166 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,193 (doorbell rings) 167 00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:26,645 Sorry, the open house is over. 168 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:29,415 I got a package for Alan Harper. 169 00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:30,649 Oh, uh, that's me. 170 00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:31,500 Sign here. 171 00:07:31,502 --> 00:07:33,702 Ooh, how exciting. 172 00:07:35,505 --> 00:07:36,655 Wonder what it is. 173 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,841 It's from a crematorium, 174 00:07:38,843 --> 00:07:41,210 so that kind of narrows it down. 175 00:07:41,212 --> 00:07:44,463 That's, uh, that's my brother. 176 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:47,933 Berta, Charlie's here! 177 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,268 Thank you. 178 00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:50,636 Enjoy. 179 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,802 Well... 180 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,871 here we are, buddy. 181 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:30,159 Just like old times, huh? 182 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:33,395 I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me. 183 00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:43,055 I, uh, I wanted to tell you, uh, that I loved you, 184 00:08:43,057 --> 00:08:46,558 and I will miss you, 185 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:52,031 and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in, 186 00:08:52,033 --> 00:08:55,184 letting us live here all these years. 187 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:01,073 So, now the question is... 188 00:09:01,075 --> 00:09:03,592 what do we do with you? 189 00:09:03,594 --> 00:09:07,096 I know what you said you wanted, but... 190 00:09:07,098 --> 00:09:09,215 I really don't think Pamela Anderson will agree 191 00:09:09,217 --> 00:09:11,416 to swallow your ashes. 192 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,389 Um, I-I could take you with me to live at Mom's, 193 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:20,159 but that's how horror movies start. 194 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,614 Hey. 195 00:09:25,616 --> 00:09:28,784 Maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach. 196 00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:31,270 I mean, it's simple, it's dignified, 197 00:09:31,272 --> 00:09:33,122 and pretty girls covered with oil 198 00:09:33,124 --> 00:09:36,625 will be sitting on you all day. 199 00:09:36,627 --> 00:09:38,794 Kind of like your life. 200 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,798 Except for the dignified part. 201 00:09:45,468 --> 00:09:48,120 All right. 202 00:09:48,122 --> 00:09:49,638 (sighs) 203 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,807 Well... 204 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:54,793 (sighs) 205 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,980 I guess now is as good a time as any. 206 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,317 (screams) (screams) 207 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,695 I ain't cleaning him up. 208 00:10:12,697 --> 00:10:14,947 ♪ Men. ♪ 209 00:10:17,197 --> 00:10:18,630 ♪ Men. ♪ 210 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,001 Can I use your phone? 211 00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:22,252 Sure. 212 00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:23,503 I guess. 213 00:10:24,355 --> 00:10:26,106 Are you okay? 214 00:10:26,108 --> 00:10:27,491 Yeah, I'm fine. 215 00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:30,193 I was just trying to drown myself. 216 00:10:30,195 --> 00:10:32,329 Wait, you-you tried to commit suicide? 217 00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:36,199 Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold. 218 00:10:37,618 --> 00:10:38,919 Suppose I could've worn a wet suit, 219 00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:41,321 but who tries to commit suicide in a wet suit, right? 220 00:10:42,573 --> 00:10:43,674 That phone right there? 221 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,708 Oh, yeah, yeah. 222 00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:46,927 Thank you. 223 00:10:46,929 --> 00:10:48,679 Uh, you got a towel? 224 00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:50,080 Oh, sure. 225 00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:52,415 Thanks. 226 00:10:56,253 --> 00:10:58,438 Hi. It's me. 227 00:11:00,058 --> 00:11:02,776 I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean 228 00:11:02,778 --> 00:11:04,978 'cause I can't live without you. 229 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,483 No, I'm not calling you from the ocean. 230 00:11:10,451 --> 00:11:12,602 Because it was cold. 231 00:11:12,604 --> 00:11:15,122 I don't... I'm in some guy's house. 232 00:11:15,124 --> 00:11:16,439 Um, Alan Harper. 233 00:11:16,441 --> 00:11:18,792 I am in Alan Harper's house. 234 00:11:19,627 --> 00:11:22,079 How about it? Will you take me back? 235 00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,881 Are you sure? 236 00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:28,051 You heard what I said about the ocean, right? 237 00:11:30,171 --> 00:11:32,305 Okay, fine. I'll stop bothering you. 238 00:11:32,307 --> 00:11:35,759 But I want you to know that I will love you forever and ever. 239 00:11:36,627 --> 00:11:37,894 Really? 240 00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:39,379 That bothers you? 241 00:11:41,132 --> 00:11:44,351 Okay. Bye. 242 00:11:46,303 --> 00:11:47,904 You got a wet suit? 243 00:11:47,906 --> 00:11:50,524 Oh, come on. It... it can't be that bad. 244 00:11:50,526 --> 00:11:52,542 It could be. You don't know. 245 00:11:53,411 --> 00:11:55,311 No, no, I do. 246 00:11:55,313 --> 00:11:56,997 Come on. Come on. Sit down. Sit down. 247 00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:58,782 Listen. 248 00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:01,501 I have been where you are-- 249 00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:04,337 uh, rejected, friendless, broke. 250 00:12:04,339 --> 00:12:05,539 I'm not broke. 251 00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:07,323 I'm worth, like, a billion dollars. 252 00:12:08,159 --> 00:12:10,210 Beg pardon? 253 00:12:10,212 --> 00:12:13,830 1.3 is what her lawyer says, but I would give up every penny 254 00:12:13,832 --> 00:12:15,715 if she would take me back. 255 00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:19,186 No, no, no. You don't want to do that. 256 00:12:19,188 --> 00:12:23,356 Uh... I think you can find a lot of girls for way less money. 257 00:12:23,358 --> 00:12:24,691 I don't want other girls. 258 00:12:24,693 --> 00:12:26,009 I want Bridget. 259 00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:27,677 Right. Right. 260 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:29,446 Um, just to clarify, um, 261 00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:32,899 did you say "billion" with a "buh?" 262 00:12:32,901 --> 00:12:34,067 (sighs) 263 00:12:34,069 --> 00:12:35,569 Listen, trust me. 264 00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:37,571 Money does not buy happiness. 265 00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:40,423 I wouldn't know. I've never had either. 266 00:12:41,242 --> 00:12:43,160 Come on. You're doing all right. 267 00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,162 You're living in a beach house in Malibu. 268 00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,246 I have to sell it. 269 00:12:46,248 --> 00:12:47,948 And it's not even mine; it's his. 270 00:12:50,184 --> 00:12:52,169 His? 271 00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:54,087 That's my dead brother. 272 00:12:54,089 --> 00:12:55,505 Oh. 273 00:12:55,507 --> 00:12:58,175 I'm sorry I made you spill him. 274 00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,726 That's okay. That's okay. 275 00:12:59,728 --> 00:13:01,544 I'll DustBust him later. 276 00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:02,929 You know what? 277 00:13:02,931 --> 00:13:04,231 I'll get out of your way. 278 00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:05,899 Thank you for letting me use your phone. 279 00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,767 Wait, hang on. You sure you're okay? 280 00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:10,487 Yeah. I'm just going to go back to my hotel room 281 00:13:10,489 --> 00:13:13,440 and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet." 282 00:13:13,442 --> 00:13:15,609 Wait, wait, wait. I... I just went to one funeral. 283 00:13:15,611 --> 00:13:17,577 I-I don't want to be involved in another one. 284 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:21,698 Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk? 285 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,733 About what? 286 00:13:23,735 --> 00:13:25,235 Oh, I don't know. 287 00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,736 The weather, politics. 288 00:13:26,738 --> 00:13:28,672 Why somebody would want to kill themselves 289 00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:31,208 when they have a billion freaking dollars. 290 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,126 Come on. 291 00:13:33,128 --> 00:13:35,912 We'll, uh, put your clothes in the dryer. 292 00:13:36,764 --> 00:13:38,081 All right. 293 00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:41,351 Oh, by the way... 294 00:13:42,186 --> 00:13:44,638 I'm Walden. Walden Schmidt. 295 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,690 Well, it's nice to meet you, Walden Schmidt. 296 00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:49,025 Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose there's no reason 297 00:13:49,027 --> 00:13:51,561 you can't undress right here in the living room. 298 00:13:51,563 --> 00:13:53,063 Oh, Skivvies coming off, too. 299 00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:55,615 Okay. Okay, well, uh, no body issues. 300 00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:57,784 Lucky you. That's... 301 00:13:58,736 --> 00:14:00,103 You're a good guy, Alan Harper. 302 00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:01,938 Oh, and he's a hugger as well. 303 00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:03,540 Okeydokey. 304 00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:05,709 I'll be right back. 305 00:14:07,945 --> 00:14:10,280 $1.3 billion, 306 00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,500 and he's hung like an elephant. 307 00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:16,119 ♪ Men. ♪ 308 00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:18,138 Uh, I will have an appletini. 309 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:19,973 Uh, and, um...? 310 00:14:19,975 --> 00:14:22,676 Oh, uh, ginger ale, please. 311 00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,261 Really? 312 00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,645 Fresh off a suicide attempt, 313 00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,180 and you're ordering a ginger ale? 314 00:14:27,182 --> 00:14:29,799 Yeah. I don't like the taste of alcohol. 315 00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:31,434 Nobody likes the taste of alcohol. 316 00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,436 We like the effects of alcohol. 317 00:14:33,438 --> 00:14:36,306 How it makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart. 318 00:14:37,108 --> 00:14:39,159 I am tall, good-looking and smart. 319 00:14:42,813 --> 00:14:44,981 Give him an appletini. 320 00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,535 So, just out of curiosity, 321 00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,755 how does someone get to be worth so much money? 322 00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,957 Oh, it's pretty simple, really. 323 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,992 You ever hear of Blungogo.com? 324 00:14:55,994 --> 00:14:57,260 No. 325 00:14:57,262 --> 00:14:58,494 And you never will, 326 00:14:58,496 --> 00:15:00,213 because Microsoft bought it from me 327 00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:03,550 for $1.3 billion, and then they bundled it 328 00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:06,186 with their iPod killer, the Zune. 329 00:15:08,055 --> 00:15:09,706 Really? 330 00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:11,775 I don't think it came with my Zune. 331 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:14,044 You bought a Zune? 332 00:15:14,912 --> 00:15:16,680 I had a coupon. 333 00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:17,847 Cheers? 334 00:15:17,849 --> 00:15:19,566 Oh. Cheers. 335 00:15:20,568 --> 00:15:22,786 (both groan) 336 00:15:24,872 --> 00:15:28,491 So, don't take this the wrong way, 337 00:15:28,493 --> 00:15:32,312 but I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind. 338 00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:37,217 Thank you. That's very sweet. 339 00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:40,887 ♪ Men. ♪ 340 00:15:42,089 --> 00:15:43,673 You don't understand. 341 00:15:43,675 --> 00:15:46,542 Bridget was my high school sweetheart. 342 00:15:46,544 --> 00:15:49,179 She was the love of my life. 343 00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:50,597 So why'd she leave you? 344 00:15:50,599 --> 00:15:52,148 She catch you with another woman? 345 00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:54,050 - No. - Sex no good? 346 00:15:54,052 --> 00:15:55,235 No, it was great. 347 00:15:55,237 --> 00:15:56,519 Are you sure? 348 00:15:56,521 --> 00:15:57,988 'Cause sometimes they'll tell you it's good, 349 00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,222 and then you find out later 350 00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:00,824 they hated the very touch of you. 351 00:16:04,161 --> 00:16:06,413 Happened to a guy I know. 352 00:16:06,415 --> 00:16:12,085 Well, she said that I was emotionally immature. 353 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,254 You mean like threatening suicide 354 00:16:14,256 --> 00:16:15,872 unless she takes you back? 355 00:16:16,757 --> 00:16:19,409 That is not immature; that's romantic. 356 00:16:20,411 --> 00:16:22,412 Shut up. 357 00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:24,631 Well, regardless, I-I know what you're going through. 358 00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:26,582 I mean, I married my college sweetheart, 359 00:16:26,584 --> 00:16:28,751 and when she divorced me, I was devastated. 360 00:16:28,753 --> 00:16:30,086 Why did she leave you? 361 00:16:30,088 --> 00:16:32,939 Not a clue. She's a crazy bitch. 362 00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:36,276 The point is, when life serves you 363 00:16:36,278 --> 00:16:38,761 ball breakers who rip your heart out, 364 00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:41,948 you have to make... 365 00:16:41,950 --> 00:16:44,367 ball breaker-ade. 366 00:16:44,369 --> 00:16:46,602 Bridget never broke my balls. 367 00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,988 If anything, she treated them 368 00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:51,607 with tenderness and respect. 369 00:16:52,493 --> 00:16:54,610 Okay. Okay, just for tonight, 370 00:16:54,612 --> 00:16:56,329 will you... will you forget about Bridget 371 00:16:56,331 --> 00:16:58,114 and-and just try to meet somebody new? 372 00:16:58,116 --> 00:16:59,749 Like who? 373 00:16:59,751 --> 00:17:01,551 I don't know. 374 00:17:02,837 --> 00:17:05,388 How about... how about her? 375 00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:06,840 Really? 376 00:17:06,842 --> 00:17:08,258 What would I say? 377 00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:12,929 Uh, well, I would not lead with the testicle anecdote. 378 00:17:14,765 --> 00:17:16,816 Just... just say hi. 379 00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,768 Okay. 380 00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:20,487 Hi. 381 00:17:20,489 --> 00:17:21,938 Hi. 382 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:24,991 - I'm Walden. - Kelly. 383 00:17:31,782 --> 00:17:33,416 So, Kelly... 384 00:17:38,873 --> 00:17:44,494 My... wife dumped me, and I want to die. 385 00:17:46,597 --> 00:17:48,615 Oh, you poor baby. 386 00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:54,604 (sobbing): I love her so much. 387 00:17:56,023 --> 00:17:57,440 I... I don't... 388 00:17:57,442 --> 00:17:59,726 Whew! I don't know... 389 00:17:59,728 --> 00:18:02,695 if I can ever love anyone 390 00:18:02,697 --> 00:18:05,198 the way that I love her. 391 00:18:08,519 --> 00:18:11,654 That's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. 392 00:18:12,990 --> 00:18:16,526 Oh, it'll be okay. 393 00:18:26,387 --> 00:18:29,973 Oh, God, I miss my wife! 394 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:32,008 ♪ Men. ♪ 395 00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:33,309 (ladies chuckling) 396 00:18:33,311 --> 00:18:34,894 Here is where I live. 397 00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,212 Oh. 398 00:18:36,214 --> 00:18:37,680 Nice. 399 00:18:37,682 --> 00:18:40,500 Just me and my broken heart. 400 00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:44,654 Alan, I... I think I should go back to my hotel. 401 00:18:44,656 --> 00:18:46,156 Are you nuts? 402 00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,657 We're doing great. 403 00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:50,527 This crap about loving our exes is gold. 404 00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,328 My brother would be so proud. 405 00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:55,198 What, the dude in the DustBuster? 406 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,916 Yeah. 407 00:18:56,918 --> 00:19:00,069 Ah. Uh, ladies, uh, who's up for a libation? 408 00:19:00,071 --> 00:19:01,421 - A what? - Huh? 409 00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:03,423 A... a drink-- alcohol. 410 00:19:03,425 --> 00:19:05,041 - Sure. - Great. 411 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,594 Oh. Be right back. 412 00:19:13,917 --> 00:19:15,268 What's upstairs? 413 00:19:15,270 --> 00:19:17,753 I don't know. Probably a bedroom. 414 00:19:17,755 --> 00:19:20,190 Why don't we go find out? 415 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,791 Uh... okay. 416 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,761 Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan where we're going? 417 00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,614 No. No. 418 00:19:29,617 --> 00:19:31,767 Who's ready for margaritas? 419 00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:33,936 WALDEN: Wow! 420 00:19:33,938 --> 00:19:37,457 One at a time, ladies! One at a time. 421 00:19:37,459 --> 00:19:39,442 (ladies giggling) 422 00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:42,111 Well, this is depressingly familiar. 423 00:19:44,298 --> 00:19:45,965 Shut up. 424 00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,967 ♪ Men. ♪ 425 00:19:52,042 --> 00:19:53,275 ♪ Men. ♪ 426 00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:56,759 Morning. 427 00:19:59,096 --> 00:20:01,097 Oh, good golly. 428 00:20:01,932 --> 00:20:03,433 Oh, uh, I'm Walden. 429 00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:06,269 I'm impressed. 430 00:20:09,106 --> 00:20:10,540 Oh. Alan. 431 00:20:12,726 --> 00:20:13,977 Guess what. 432 00:20:13,979 --> 00:20:16,679 I had sex with two girls last night. 433 00:20:16,681 --> 00:20:21,117 Great. Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep. 434 00:20:21,986 --> 00:20:23,620 I like my night better. 435 00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:25,788 Oh, hey. 436 00:20:25,790 --> 00:20:28,024 I dig your house, so I'm going to buy it, okay? 437 00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,542 Oh, okay. 438 00:20:29,544 --> 00:20:31,077 Thanks. 439 00:20:31,079 --> 00:20:32,161 You're the best. 440 00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:34,998 Oh... ah. 441 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,966 Whoa. 442 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,991 Um, this is Walden. 443 00:20:46,143 --> 00:20:48,928 He's going to buy the house. 444 00:20:48,930 --> 00:20:51,881 Welcome to my humble abode. 445 00:20:57,855 --> 00:21:00,023 I like him. 446 00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:04,025 == sync, corrected by $H@uNa|< ==