00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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(funeral march):
♪ Men, men, men, men ♪
2
00:00:02,515 --> 00:00:07,101
♪ Men, men, men,
men, men, men, men. ♪
3
00:00:07,103 --> 00:00:08,102
Hello.
4
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I'm Charlie's brother Alan.
5
00:00:10,390 --> 00:00:12,690
I want to thank you all
for coming.
6
00:00:12,692 --> 00:00:13,691
I know this is
7
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a very sad day
for all of us.
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Speak for yourself.
9
00:00:18,697 --> 00:00:20,114
Okay.
10
00:00:20,116 --> 00:00:25,653
Uh, I understand that some of
you have "mixed feelings."
11
00:00:25,655 --> 00:00:29,540
Um... but I think
we can all agree
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00:00:29,542 --> 00:00:31,659
that Charlie lived life
to its fullest
13
00:00:31,661 --> 00:00:33,861
and-and gave it
everything he had.
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00:00:33,863 --> 00:00:35,546
Gave me herpes.
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00:00:37,198 --> 00:00:39,049
Chlamydia.
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00:00:39,051 --> 00:00:40,885
Vaginal warts.
17
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Excuse me, this is my dead
son we're talking about.
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I loved him and I'm
devastated that he's gone,
19
00:00:49,178 --> 00:00:52,980
leaving me with nothing but
my memories and my regrets
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and the listing for his
beautiful beachfront
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Malibu getaway
with three bedrooms
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and three and
a half baths
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00:00:58,821 --> 00:01:01,489
and a beautiful
panoramic ocean view.
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00:01:01,491 --> 00:01:02,656
(sniffles)
25
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Help yourselves to brochures
out by the coffee urn.
26
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Thank you, Mom.
27
00:01:08,614 --> 00:01:10,030
Um, anyway...
28
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Open house is Sunday,
1:00 to 5:00.
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Okay.
30
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Um, I'd like to take a moment
to talk about my brother,
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um, and his incredible love
for life.
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He also loved being spanked.
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00:01:25,798 --> 00:01:28,081
While wearing
my panties.
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He used my panties to make tea.
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00:01:36,424 --> 00:01:41,261
M-My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms
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and-and never apologized
for who he was.
37
00:01:44,650 --> 00:01:45,950
Yeah, blah,
blah, blah.
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Why can't we
see the body?
39
00:01:49,270 --> 00:01:51,989
Yeah, I didn't come all this way
to spit on a closed coffin.
40
00:01:51,991 --> 00:01:53,941
Okay, I understand how you feel,
41
00:01:53,943 --> 00:01:57,211
but unfortunately due to the
circumstances of his passing,
44
00:02:03,636 --> 00:02:05,169
O-Okay.
45
00:02:05,171 --> 00:02:07,888
Uh, I wasn't planning on
doing a Q and A,
46
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uh, but go ahead.
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Thank you.
48
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Charlie owes me $38,000
for some,
49
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let's say, pharmaceuticals.
50
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Who do I talk to about that?
51
00:02:18,901 --> 00:02:21,402
Uh, well, I think
that's something
52
00:02:21,404 --> 00:02:23,070
you'll have to discuss
with the lawyers.
53
00:02:23,072 --> 00:02:24,104
Yeah.
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00:02:24,106 --> 00:02:26,657
I'd rather not involve the law.
55
00:02:26,659 --> 00:02:30,861
And now, uh, I thought
we'd take this moment
56
00:02:30,863 --> 00:02:34,314
to hear from the person who was
with Charlie at the end.
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Thank you, Alan.
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Charlie Harper was
the love of my life
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00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,800
and a wonderful, wonderful man.
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00:02:52,802 --> 00:02:54,802
(sneezes):
Selfish pig.
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00:02:56,354 --> 00:02:59,940
Sure, our relationship had
its ups and downs
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00:02:59,942 --> 00:03:02,059
and the occasional
restraining order.
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00:03:02,061 --> 00:03:03,611
But at the end,
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we ran away together to Paris,
where he asked me to marry him.
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I said yes.
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And the next few days
were the happiest of my life.
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Nothing could spoil it.
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00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,042
Not even when I came home
from shopping
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00:03:18,044 --> 00:03:20,811
and found him taking a shower
with another woman.
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00:03:20,813 --> 00:03:21,862
(crowd murmuring)
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That's our Charlie.
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00:03:26,534 --> 00:03:29,036
But I forgave him
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because I loved him
unconditionally.
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00:03:32,275 --> 00:03:35,876
So you can imagine my horror
when, the very next day,
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00:03:35,878 --> 00:03:37,261
he slipped on the Metro platform
76
00:03:37,263 --> 00:03:39,480
and fell in front of
an oncoming train.
77
00:03:41,049 --> 00:03:43,767
Never cross a
crazy woman.
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00:03:43,769 --> 00:03:48,072
I just want you all to know
that Charlie didn't suffer.
79
00:03:48,074 --> 00:03:52,426
His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.
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00:03:53,561 --> 00:03:56,180
Thank you.
81
00:04:00,502 --> 00:04:01,702
I'm hungry.
82
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Anyone else hungry?
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
84
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
85
00:04:09,969 --> 00:04:12,469
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x01 ♪
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Original Air Date on September 19, 2010
86
00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,970
== sync, corrected by $H@uNa|< ==
87
00:04:14,971 --> 00:04:16,487
♪ Men. ♪
88
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Charlie was the best boss
I ever had.
89
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:24,830
I needed a day off,
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
90
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,198
I needed a couple
91
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,533
extra bucks,
92
00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:30,069
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
93
00:04:30,071 --> 00:04:32,989
All he ever asked in return
was clean sheets
94
00:04:32,991 --> 00:04:37,410
and hosing the vomit off the
occasional drug-addled hooker.
95
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,598
What a beautiful story.
96
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,502
Can I count on you to keep
the house clean till I sell it?
97
00:04:46,504 --> 00:04:48,654
Can I count on you
to keep paying me?
98
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,223
Well, there's virtually no money
in Charlie's estate,
99
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:53,676
but I'll be happy to pay you
once the house sells.
100
00:04:53,678 --> 00:04:55,728
Then that's when I'll clean it.
101
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,381
I still don't see
why we have to sell.
102
00:04:58,383 --> 00:04:59,665
I mean, he left it to me.
103
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,000
Obviously, he wanted me
to have it.
104
00:05:01,002 --> 00:05:02,285
Can you make
the mortgage payments?
105
00:05:02,310 --> 00:05:03,203
No.
106
00:05:03,204 --> 00:05:05,004
Can you pay the property tax?
107
00:05:05,006 --> 00:05:07,172
Not per se.
108
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,225
But I was kind of hoping
you'd help out.
109
00:05:09,227 --> 00:05:11,944
I mean, after all, your grandson
lives here part-time.
110
00:05:11,946 --> 00:05:14,463
(farts)
111
00:05:15,866 --> 00:05:18,534
Good job raising him.
112
00:05:18,536 --> 00:05:22,538
Uh, darling, I can't afford
to maintain my house
113
00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:24,490
and your house
at the same time.
114
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,075
But you're my mommy.
115
00:05:26,077 --> 00:05:29,662
Good job raising him.
116
00:05:30,681 --> 00:05:33,916
Once I sell this place,
you can come live with me.
117
00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,200
But why would I have to?
118
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,253
I mean, won't I get
a lot of money from the sale?
119
00:05:37,255 --> 00:05:40,556
Oh, please. Charlie had
three mortgages on this place.
120
00:05:40,558 --> 00:05:43,175
Once we deduct closing costs
and escrow fees
121
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,394
and my commission,
you'll be lucky to break even.
122
00:05:45,396 --> 00:05:47,346
Wait a minute, you're planning
to take a commission?
123
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:48,514
She doesn't work for free.
124
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:49,982
Why should I?
125
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:57,356
Don't think those silent ones
are fooling anybody.
126
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:58,607
♪ Men. ♪
127
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,776
(doorbell rings)
128
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,329
Hi. I'm here
for the open house.
129
00:06:03,331 --> 00:06:04,747
Of course. Come right in.
130
00:06:04,749 --> 00:06:06,032
Thank you.
131
00:06:06,034 --> 00:06:08,901
Three bedrooms,
three and a half baths,
132
00:06:08,903 --> 00:06:11,587
60 feet of prime
Malibu oceanfront.
133
00:06:11,589 --> 00:06:13,839
Wait a minute, I
know this place.
134
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,291
This is Charlie Harper's place,
right?
135
00:06:15,293 --> 00:06:16,258
It was.
136
00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:17,376
Then I can't buy it.
137
00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,045
Uh...
138
00:06:19,047 --> 00:06:20,029
What? Why?
139
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,213
Bad memories.
140
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,515
Charlie and I had this
141
00:06:22,517 --> 00:06:25,250
drunken threesome with a crazy
chick right on this couch.
142
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,769
Sounds like a good memory.
143
00:06:26,771 --> 00:06:28,888
Yeah, well,
unfortunately she passed out
144
00:06:28,890 --> 00:06:31,040
and Charlie and I
kept going without her.
145
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,259
Bad memory.
146
00:06:35,045 --> 00:06:38,030
Oh, the feng shui is great.
147
00:06:38,032 --> 00:06:41,050
I mean, the place just
oozes positive energy.
148
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:45,905
It's not practical.
149
00:06:45,907 --> 00:06:47,873
The commute downtown
would kill me.
150
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,208
Don't worry, sweetie.
151
00:06:49,210 --> 00:06:50,493
Just let the universe provide.
152
00:06:50,495 --> 00:06:52,444
The universe doesn't provide,
I provide.
153
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,730
I bust my ass 80 hours a week.
154
00:06:54,732 --> 00:06:56,132
Uh-oh.
155
00:06:56,134 --> 00:06:58,801
Sounds like somebody
needs to meditate.
156
00:06:58,803 --> 00:06:59,919
Uh-oh.
157
00:06:59,921 --> 00:07:02,221
Sounds like somebody needs
to file for divorce.
158
00:07:02,223 --> 00:07:03,389
Really?
159
00:07:03,391 --> 00:07:04,790
You want to play that card?
160
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:07,292
'Cause I will take you and
your uptight bourgeois family
161
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,512
for every penny you've got.
162
00:07:09,514 --> 00:07:10,729
Bye-bye!
163
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,484
Bye-bye!
164
00:07:18,288 --> 00:07:19,989
What a fun couple.
165
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,808
♪ Men. ♪
166
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,193
(doorbell rings)
167
00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:26,645
Sorry, the open
house is over.
168
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:29,415
I got a package
for Alan Harper.
169
00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:30,649
Oh, uh, that's me.
170
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:31,500
Sign here.
171
00:07:31,502 --> 00:07:33,702
Ooh, how exciting.
172
00:07:35,505 --> 00:07:36,655
Wonder what it is.
173
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,841
It's from a crematorium,
174
00:07:38,843 --> 00:07:41,210
so that kind of
narrows it down.
175
00:07:41,212 --> 00:07:44,463
That's, uh,
that's my brother.
176
00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:47,933
Berta,
Charlie's here!
177
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,268
Thank you.
178
00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:50,636
Enjoy.
179
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,802
Well...
180
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,871
here we are, buddy.
181
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:30,159
Just like old times, huh?
182
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:33,395
I'm talking and you're
in a bottle ignoring me.
183
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:43,055
I, uh, I wanted to tell you,
uh, that I loved you,
184
00:08:43,057 --> 00:08:46,558
and I will miss you,
185
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:52,031
and I will always be grateful
for you taking Jake and me in,
186
00:08:52,033 --> 00:08:55,184
letting us live here
all these years.
187
00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:01,073
So, now the question is...
188
00:09:01,075 --> 00:09:03,592
what do we do with you?
189
00:09:03,594 --> 00:09:07,096
I know what you said
you wanted, but...
190
00:09:07,098 --> 00:09:09,215
I really don't think
Pamela Anderson will agree
191
00:09:09,217 --> 00:09:11,416
to swallow your ashes.
192
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,389
Um, I-I could take you with me
to live at Mom's,
193
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:20,159
but that's how
horror movies start.
194
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,614
Hey.
195
00:09:25,616 --> 00:09:28,784
Maybe I could sprinkle you
on the beach.
196
00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:31,270
I mean, it's simple,
it's dignified,
197
00:09:31,272 --> 00:09:33,122
and pretty girls
covered with oil
198
00:09:33,124 --> 00:09:36,625
will be sitting on you all day.
199
00:09:36,627 --> 00:09:38,794
Kind of like your life.
200
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,798
Except for the dignified part.
201
00:09:45,468 --> 00:09:48,120
All right.
202
00:09:48,122 --> 00:09:49,638
(sighs)
203
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,807
Well...
204
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:54,793
(sighs)
205
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,980
I guess now is
as good a time as any.
206
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,317
(screams)
(screams)
207
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,695
I ain't cleaning him up.
208
00:10:12,697 --> 00:10:14,947
♪ Men. ♪
209
00:10:17,197 --> 00:10:18,630
♪ Men. ♪
210
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:21,001
Can I use your phone?
211
00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:22,252
Sure.
212
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:23,503
I guess.
213
00:10:24,355 --> 00:10:26,106
Are you okay?
214
00:10:26,108 --> 00:10:27,491
Yeah, I'm fine.
215
00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:30,193
I was just trying
to drown myself.
216
00:10:30,195 --> 00:10:32,329
Wait, you-you tried
to commit suicide?
217
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:36,199
Yeah. But I had no idea that
the water would be that cold.
218
00:10:37,618 --> 00:10:38,919
Suppose I could've
worn a wet suit,
219
00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:41,321
but who tries to commit suicide
in a wet suit, right?
220
00:10:42,573 --> 00:10:43,674
That phone right there?
221
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,708
Oh, yeah, yeah.
222
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:46,927
Thank you.
223
00:10:46,929 --> 00:10:48,679
Uh, you got a towel?
224
00:10:48,681 --> 00:10:50,080
Oh, sure.
225
00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:52,415
Thanks.
226
00:10:56,253 --> 00:10:58,438
Hi. It's me.
227
00:11:00,058 --> 00:11:02,776
I want you to know that I just
flung myself in the ocean
228
00:11:02,778 --> 00:11:04,978
'cause I can't live without you.
229
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,483
No, I'm not calling you
from the ocean.
230
00:11:10,451 --> 00:11:12,602
Because it was cold.
231
00:11:12,604 --> 00:11:15,122
I don't...
I'm in some guy's house.
232
00:11:15,124 --> 00:11:16,439
Um, Alan Harper.
233
00:11:16,441 --> 00:11:18,792
I am in Alan
Harper's house.
234
00:11:19,627 --> 00:11:22,079
How about it?
Will you take me back?
235
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,881
Are you sure?
236
00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:28,051
You heard what I said
about the ocean, right?
237
00:11:30,171 --> 00:11:32,305
Okay, fine.
I'll stop bothering you.
238
00:11:32,307 --> 00:11:35,759
But I want you to know that I
will love you forever and ever.
239
00:11:36,627 --> 00:11:37,894
Really?
240
00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:39,379
That bothers you?
241
00:11:41,132 --> 00:11:44,351
Okay. Bye.
242
00:11:46,303 --> 00:11:47,904
You got a wet suit?
243
00:11:47,906 --> 00:11:50,524
Oh, come on.
It... it can't be that bad.
244
00:11:50,526 --> 00:11:52,542
It could be.
You don't know.
245
00:11:53,411 --> 00:11:55,311
No, no, I do.
246
00:11:55,313 --> 00:11:56,997
Come on. Come on.
Sit down. Sit down.
247
00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:58,782
Listen.
248
00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:01,501
I have been
where you are--
249
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:04,337
uh, rejected,
friendless, broke.
250
00:12:04,339 --> 00:12:05,539
I'm not broke.
251
00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:07,323
I'm worth, like,
a billion dollars.
252
00:12:08,159 --> 00:12:10,210
Beg pardon?
253
00:12:10,212 --> 00:12:13,830
1.3 is what her lawyer says,
but I would give up every penny
254
00:12:13,832 --> 00:12:15,715
if she would take me back.
255
00:12:16,634 --> 00:12:19,186
No, no, no.
You don't want to do that.
256
00:12:19,188 --> 00:12:23,356
Uh... I think you can find a lot
of girls for way less money.
257
00:12:23,358 --> 00:12:24,691
I don't want other girls.
258
00:12:24,693 --> 00:12:26,009
I want Bridget.
259
00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:27,677
Right. Right.
260
00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:29,446
Um, just to clarify, um,
261
00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:32,899
did you say "billion"
with a "buh?"
262
00:12:32,901 --> 00:12:34,067
(sighs)
263
00:12:34,069 --> 00:12:35,569
Listen, trust me.
264
00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:37,571
Money does not
buy happiness.
265
00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:40,423
I wouldn't know.
I've never had either.
266
00:12:41,242 --> 00:12:43,160
Come on.
You're doing all right.
267
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,162
You're living in
a beach house in Malibu.
268
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,246
I have to sell it.
269
00:12:46,248 --> 00:12:47,948
And it's not even mine;
it's his.
270
00:12:50,184 --> 00:12:52,169
His?
271
00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:54,087
That's my dead brother.
272
00:12:54,089 --> 00:12:55,505
Oh.
273
00:12:55,507 --> 00:12:58,175
I'm sorry I made you spill him.
274
00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,726
That's okay. That's okay.
275
00:12:59,728 --> 00:13:01,544
I'll DustBust him later.
276
00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:02,929
You know what?
277
00:13:02,931 --> 00:13:04,231
I'll get out of your way.
278
00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:05,899
Thank you for letting me
use your phone.
279
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:07,767
Wait, hang on.
You sure you're okay?
280
00:13:07,769 --> 00:13:10,487
Yeah. I'm just going to go back
to my hotel room
281
00:13:10,489 --> 00:13:13,440
and update my Facebook status
to "not dead yet."
282
00:13:13,442 --> 00:13:15,609
Wait, wait, wait. I...
I just went to one funeral.
283
00:13:15,611 --> 00:13:17,577
I-I don't want to be involved
in another one.
284
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:21,698
Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk?
285
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:23,733
About what?
286
00:13:23,735 --> 00:13:25,235
Oh, I don't know.
287
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,736
The weather, politics.
288
00:13:26,738 --> 00:13:28,672
Why somebody would want
to kill themselves
289
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:31,208
when they have
a billion freaking dollars.
290
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,126
Come on.
291
00:13:33,128 --> 00:13:35,912
We'll, uh, put your clothes
in the dryer.
292
00:13:36,764 --> 00:13:38,081
All right.
293
00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:41,351
Oh, by the way...
294
00:13:42,186 --> 00:13:44,638
I'm Walden.
Walden Schmidt.
295
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,690
Well, it's nice to meet
you, Walden Schmidt.
296
00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:49,025
Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose
there's no reason
297
00:13:49,027 --> 00:13:51,561
you can't undress right
here in the living room.
298
00:13:51,563 --> 00:13:53,063
Oh, Skivvies coming off, too.
299
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:55,615
Okay. Okay, well, uh,
no body issues.
300
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:57,784
Lucky you. That's...
301
00:13:58,736 --> 00:14:00,103
You're a good guy,
Alan Harper.
302
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:01,938
Oh, and he's a
hugger as well.
303
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:03,540
Okeydokey.
304
00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:05,709
I'll be right back.
305
00:14:07,945 --> 00:14:10,280
$1.3 billion,
306
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,500
and he's hung like an elephant.
307
00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:16,119
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:18,138
Uh, I will have
an appletini.
309
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:19,973
Uh, and, um...?
310
00:14:19,975 --> 00:14:22,676
Oh, uh, ginger
ale, please.
311
00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,261
Really?
312
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,645
Fresh off
a suicide attempt,
313
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,180
and you're ordering
a ginger ale?
314
00:14:27,182 --> 00:14:29,799
Yeah. I don't like
the taste of alcohol.
315
00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:31,434
Nobody likes
the taste of alcohol.
316
00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,436
We like the effects
of alcohol.
317
00:14:33,438 --> 00:14:36,306
How it makes you feel tall,
good-looking and smart.
318
00:14:37,108 --> 00:14:39,159
I am tall, good-looking
and smart.
319
00:14:42,813 --> 00:14:44,981
Give him an appletini.
320
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,535
So, just out of curiosity,
321
00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,755
how does someone get
to be worth so much money?
322
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,957
Oh, it's pretty
simple, really.
323
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,992
You ever hear of
Blungogo.com?
324
00:14:55,994 --> 00:14:57,260
No.
325
00:14:57,262 --> 00:14:58,494
And you never will,
326
00:14:58,496 --> 00:15:00,213
because Microsoft
bought it from me
327
00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:03,550
for $1.3 billion, and
then they bundled it
328
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:06,186
with their iPod
killer, the Zune.
329
00:15:08,055 --> 00:15:09,706
Really?
330
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:11,775
I don't think it
came with my Zune.
331
00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:14,044
You bought a Zune?
332
00:15:14,912 --> 00:15:16,680
I had a coupon.
333
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:17,847
Cheers?
334
00:15:17,849 --> 00:15:19,566
Oh. Cheers.
335
00:15:20,568 --> 00:15:22,786
(both groan)
336
00:15:24,872 --> 00:15:28,491
So, don't take this
the wrong way,
337
00:15:28,493 --> 00:15:32,312
but I can't get the image
of your penis out of my mind.
338
00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:37,217
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
339
00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:40,887
♪ Men. ♪
340
00:15:42,089 --> 00:15:43,673
You don't understand.
341
00:15:43,675 --> 00:15:46,542
Bridget was my
high school sweetheart.
342
00:15:46,544 --> 00:15:49,179
She was the love
of my life.
343
00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:50,597
So why'd she leave you?
344
00:15:50,599 --> 00:15:52,148
She catch you
with another woman?
345
00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:54,050
- No.
- Sex no good?
346
00:15:54,052 --> 00:15:55,235
No, it was great.
347
00:15:55,237 --> 00:15:56,519
Are you sure?
348
00:15:56,521 --> 00:15:57,988
'Cause sometimes they'll
tell you it's good,
349
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,222
and then you
find out later
350
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:00,824
they hated
the very touch of you.
351
00:16:04,161 --> 00:16:06,413
Happened to a guy I know.
352
00:16:06,415 --> 00:16:12,085
Well, she said that I was
emotionally immature.
353
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,254
You mean like
threatening suicide
354
00:16:14,256 --> 00:16:15,872
unless she
takes you back?
355
00:16:16,757 --> 00:16:19,409
That is not immature;
that's romantic.
356
00:16:20,411 --> 00:16:22,412
Shut up.
357
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:24,631
Well, regardless, I-I know
what you're going through.
358
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:26,582
I mean, I married
my college sweetheart,
359
00:16:26,584 --> 00:16:28,751
and when she divorced me,
I was devastated.
360
00:16:28,753 --> 00:16:30,086
Why did she leave you?
361
00:16:30,088 --> 00:16:32,939
Not a clue.
She's a crazy bitch.
362
00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:36,276
The point is,
when life serves you
363
00:16:36,278 --> 00:16:38,761
ball breakers
who rip your heart out,
364
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:41,948
you have to make...
365
00:16:41,950 --> 00:16:44,367
ball breaker-ade.
366
00:16:44,369 --> 00:16:46,602
Bridget never
broke my balls.
367
00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,988
If anything,
she treated them
368
00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:51,607
with tenderness
and respect.
369
00:16:52,493 --> 00:16:54,610
Okay. Okay,
just for tonight,
370
00:16:54,612 --> 00:16:56,329
will you... will you
forget about Bridget
371
00:16:56,331 --> 00:16:58,114
and-and just try
to meet somebody new?
372
00:16:58,116 --> 00:16:59,749
Like who?
373
00:16:59,751 --> 00:17:01,551
I don't know.
374
00:17:02,837 --> 00:17:05,388
How about...
how about her?
375
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:06,840
Really?
376
00:17:06,842 --> 00:17:08,258
What would I say?
377
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:12,929
Uh, well, I would not lead
with the testicle anecdote.
378
00:17:14,765 --> 00:17:16,816
Just... just say hi.
379
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,768
Okay.
380
00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:20,487
Hi.
381
00:17:20,489 --> 00:17:21,938
Hi.
382
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:24,991
- I'm Walden.
- Kelly.
383
00:17:31,782 --> 00:17:33,416
So, Kelly...
384
00:17:38,873 --> 00:17:44,494
My... wife dumped me,
and I want to die.
385
00:17:46,597 --> 00:17:48,615
Oh, you poor baby.
386
00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:54,604
(sobbing):
I love her so much.
387
00:17:56,023 --> 00:17:57,440
I... I don't...
388
00:17:57,442 --> 00:17:59,726
Whew! I don't know...
389
00:17:59,728 --> 00:18:02,695
if I can ever
love anyone
390
00:18:02,697 --> 00:18:05,198
the way
that I love her.
391
00:18:08,519 --> 00:18:11,654
That's the most beautiful thing
that I've ever heard.
392
00:18:12,990 --> 00:18:16,526
Oh, it'll be okay.
393
00:18:26,387 --> 00:18:29,973
Oh, God, I miss my wife!
394
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:32,008
♪ Men. ♪
395
00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:33,309
(ladies chuckling)
396
00:18:33,311 --> 00:18:34,894
Here is where I live.
397
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,212
Oh.
398
00:18:36,214 --> 00:18:37,680
Nice.
399
00:18:37,682 --> 00:18:40,500
Just me and my broken heart.
400
00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:44,654
Alan, I... I think
I should go back to my hotel.
401
00:18:44,656 --> 00:18:46,156
Are you nuts?
402
00:18:46,158 --> 00:18:47,657
We're doing great.
403
00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:50,527
This crap about loving
our exes is gold.
404
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,328
My brother
would be so proud.
405
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:55,198
What, the dude in
the DustBuster?
406
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,916
Yeah.
407
00:18:56,918 --> 00:19:00,069
Ah. Uh, ladies, uh,
who's up for a libation?
408
00:19:00,071 --> 00:19:01,421
- A what?
- Huh?
409
00:19:01,423 --> 00:19:03,423
A... a drink-- alcohol.
410
00:19:03,425 --> 00:19:05,041
- Sure.
- Great.
411
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,594
Oh. Be right back.
412
00:19:13,917 --> 00:19:15,268
What's upstairs?
413
00:19:15,270 --> 00:19:17,753
I don't know.
Probably a bedroom.
414
00:19:17,755 --> 00:19:20,190
Why don't we
go find out?
415
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,791
Uh... okay.
416
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,761
Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan
where we're going?
417
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,614
No.
No.
418
00:19:29,617 --> 00:19:31,767
Who's ready for margaritas?
419
00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:33,936
WALDEN:
Wow!
420
00:19:33,938 --> 00:19:37,457
One at a time, ladies!
One at a time.
421
00:19:37,459 --> 00:19:39,442
(ladies giggling)
422
00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:42,111
Well, this is depressingly
familiar.
423
00:19:44,298 --> 00:19:45,965
Shut up.
424
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,967
♪ Men. ♪
425
00:19:52,042 --> 00:19:53,275
♪ Men. ♪
426
00:19:54,158 --> 00:19:56,759
Morning.
427
00:19:59,096 --> 00:20:01,097
Oh, good golly.
428
00:20:01,932 --> 00:20:03,433
Oh, uh, I'm Walden.
429
00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:06,269
I'm impressed.
430
00:20:09,106 --> 00:20:10,540
Oh. Alan.
431
00:20:12,726 --> 00:20:13,977
Guess what.
432
00:20:13,979 --> 00:20:16,679
I had sex with two girls
last night.
433
00:20:16,681 --> 00:20:21,117
Great. Um, I masturbated
and cried myself to sleep.
434
00:20:21,986 --> 00:20:23,620
I like my night better.
435
00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:25,788
Oh, hey.
436
00:20:25,790 --> 00:20:28,024
I dig your house,
so I'm going to buy it, okay?
437
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,542
Oh, okay.
438
00:20:29,544 --> 00:20:31,077
Thanks.
439
00:20:31,079 --> 00:20:32,161
You're the best.
440
00:20:32,163 --> 00:20:34,998
Oh... ah.
441
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,966
Whoa.
442
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,991
Um, this is Walden.
443
00:20:46,143 --> 00:20:48,928
He's going to
buy the house.
444
00:20:48,930 --> 00:20:51,881
Welcome
to my humble abode.
445
00:20:57,855 --> 00:21:00,023
I like him.
446
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:04,025
== sync, corrected by $H@uNa|< ==