00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,114 --> 00:00:02,514 ♪ Men, men, men, men ♪ 2 00:00:02,516 --> 00:00:07,102 ♪ Men, men, men, men, men, men, men. ♪ 3 00:00:07,104 --> 00:00:08,103 Hello. 4 00:00:08,105 --> 00:00:10,389 I'm Charlie's brother Alan. 5 00:00:10,391 --> 00:00:12,691 I want to thank you all for coming. 6 00:00:12,693 --> 00:00:13,692 I know this is 7 00:00:13,694 --> 00:00:15,677 a very sad day for all of us. 8 00:00:15,679 --> 00:00:17,178 Speak for yourself. 9 00:00:18,698 --> 00:00:20,115 Okay. 10 00:00:20,117 --> 00:00:25,654 Uh, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings." 11 00:00:25,656 --> 00:00:29,541 Um... but I think we can all agree 12 00:00:29,543 --> 00:00:31,660 that Charlie lived life to its fullest 13 00:00:31,662 --> 00:00:33,862 and-and gave it everything he had. 14 00:00:33,864 --> 00:00:35,547 Gave me herpes. 15 00:00:37,199 --> 00:00:39,050 Chlamydia. 16 00:00:39,052 --> 00:00:40,886 Vaginal warts. 17 00:00:42,705 --> 00:00:45,841 Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about. 18 00:00:45,843 --> 00:00:49,177 I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone, 19 00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:52,981 leaving me with nothing but my memories and my regrets 20 00:00:52,983 --> 00:00:55,267 and the listing for his beautiful beachfront 21 00:00:55,269 --> 00:00:57,218 Malibu getaway with three bedrooms 22 00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:58,820 and three and a half baths 23 00:00:58,822 --> 00:01:01,490 and a beautiful panoramic ocean view. 24 00:01:02,659 --> 00:01:05,660 Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn. 25 00:01:07,196 --> 00:01:08,613 Thank you, Mom. 26 00:01:08,615 --> 00:01:10,031 Um, anyway... 27 00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:12,901 Open house is Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00. 28 00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:16,237 Okay. 29 00:01:16,239 --> 00:01:20,625 Um, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother, 30 00:01:20,627 --> 00:01:23,261 um, and his incredible love for life. 31 00:01:23,263 --> 00:01:25,797 He also loved being spanked. 32 00:01:25,799 --> 00:01:28,082 While wearing my panties. 33 00:01:29,218 --> 00:01:31,720 He used my panties to make tea. 34 00:01:36,425 --> 00:01:41,262 M-My point is, um, that Charlie lived life on his own terms 35 00:01:41,264 --> 00:01:44,649 and-and never apologized for who he was. 36 00:01:44,651 --> 00:01:45,951 Yeah, blah, blah, blah. 37 00:01:45,953 --> 00:01:47,719 Why can't we see the body? 38 00:01:49,271 --> 00:01:51,990 Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin. 39 00:01:51,992 --> 00:01:53,942 Okay, I understand how you feel, 40 00:01:53,944 --> 00:01:57,212 but unfortunately due to the circumstances of his passing, 41 00:01:57,214 --> 00:02:01,132 the remains aren't exactly... spit-able. 44 00:02:05,172 --> 00:02:07,889 Uh, I wasn't planning on doing a Q and A, 45 00:02:07,891 --> 00:02:09,224 uh, but go ahead. 46 00:02:09,226 --> 00:02:10,725 Thank you. 47 00:02:10,727 --> 00:02:13,595 Charlie owes me $38,000 for some, 48 00:02:13,597 --> 00:02:15,313 let's say, pharmaceuticals. 49 00:02:16,732 --> 00:02:18,900 Who do I talk to about that? 50 00:02:18,902 --> 00:02:21,403 Uh, well, I think that's something 51 00:02:21,405 --> 00:02:23,071 you'll have to discuss with the lawyers. 52 00:02:23,073 --> 00:02:24,105 Yeah. 53 00:02:24,107 --> 00:02:26,658 I'd rather not involve the law. 54 00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:30,862 And now, uh, I thought we'd take this moment 55 00:02:30,864 --> 00:02:34,315 to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end. 56 00:02:44,427 --> 00:02:46,094 Thank you, Alan. 57 00:02:47,797 --> 00:02:50,599 Charlie Harper was the love of my life 58 00:02:50,601 --> 00:02:52,801 and a wonderful, wonderful man. 59 00:02:52,803 --> 00:02:54,803 Selfish pig. 60 00:02:56,355 --> 00:02:59,941 Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs 61 00:02:59,943 --> 00:03:02,060 and the occasional restraining order. 62 00:03:02,062 --> 00:03:03,612 But at the end, 63 00:03:03,614 --> 00:03:08,717 we ran away together to Paris, where he asked me to marry him. 64 00:03:08,719 --> 00:03:10,585 I said yes. 65 00:03:10,587 --> 00:03:14,456 And the next few days were the happiest of my life. 66 00:03:14,458 --> 00:03:16,124 Nothing could spoil it. 67 00:03:16,126 --> 00:03:18,043 Not even when I came home from shopping 68 00:03:18,045 --> 00:03:20,812 and found him taking a shower with another woman. 69 00:03:21,865 --> 00:03:24,866 That's our Charlie. 70 00:03:26,535 --> 00:03:29,037 But I forgave him 71 00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:32,274 because I loved him unconditionally. 72 00:03:32,276 --> 00:03:35,877 So you can imagine my horror when, the very next day, 73 00:03:35,879 --> 00:03:37,262 he slipped on the Metro platform 74 00:03:37,264 --> 00:03:39,481 and fell in front of an oncoming train. 75 00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:43,768 Never cross a crazy woman. 76 00:03:43,770 --> 00:03:48,073 I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer. 77 00:03:48,075 --> 00:03:52,427 His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat. 78 00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:56,181 Thank you. 79 00:04:00,503 --> 00:04:01,703 I'm hungry. 80 00:04:01,705 --> 00:04:04,072 Anyone else hungry? 81 00:04:04,074 --> 00:04:06,908 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 82 00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:09,961 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 83 00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:12,470 ♪ Two and a Half Men 9x01 ♪ Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt Original Air Date on September 19, 2010 84 00:04:12,471 --> 00:04:14,971 == sync, corrected by elderman == 85 00:04:14,972 --> 00:04:16,488 ♪ Men. ♪ 86 00:04:17,892 --> 00:04:21,094 Charlie was the best boss I ever had. 87 00:04:21,096 --> 00:04:24,831 I needed a day off, "Sure, Berta, no problem." 88 00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:26,199 I needed a couple 89 00:04:26,201 --> 00:04:27,534 extra bucks, 90 00:04:27,536 --> 00:04:30,070 "Sure, Berta, no problem." 91 00:04:30,072 --> 00:04:32,990 All he ever asked in return was clean sheets 92 00:04:32,992 --> 00:04:37,411 and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker. 93 00:04:40,949 --> 00:04:42,599 What a beautiful story. 94 00:04:43,785 --> 00:04:46,503 Can I count on you to keep the house clean till I sell it? 95 00:04:46,505 --> 00:04:48,655 Can I count on you to keep paying me? 96 00:04:48,657 --> 00:04:51,224 Well, there's virtually no money in Charlie's estate, 97 00:04:51,226 --> 00:04:53,677 but I'll be happy to pay you once the house sells. 98 00:04:53,679 --> 00:04:55,729 Then that's when I'll clean it. 99 00:04:56,631 --> 00:04:58,382 I still don't see why we have to sell. 100 00:04:58,384 --> 00:04:59,666 I mean, he left it to me. 101 00:04:59,668 --> 00:05:01,001 Obviously, he wanted me to have it. 102 00:05:01,003 --> 00:05:02,286 Can you make the mortgage payments? 103 00:05:02,311 --> 00:05:03,204 No. 104 00:05:03,205 --> 00:05:05,005 Can you pay the property tax? 105 00:05:05,007 --> 00:05:07,173 Not per se. 106 00:05:07,175 --> 00:05:09,226 But I was kind of hoping you'd help out. 107 00:05:09,228 --> 00:05:11,945 I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time. 108 00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,535 Good job raising him. 109 00:05:18,537 --> 00:05:22,539 Uh, darling, I can't afford to maintain my house 110 00:05:22,541 --> 00:05:24,491 and your house at the same time. 111 00:05:24,493 --> 00:05:26,076 But you're my mommy. 112 00:05:26,078 --> 00:05:29,663 Good job raising him. 113 00:05:30,682 --> 00:05:33,917 Once I sell this place, you can come live with me. 114 00:05:33,919 --> 00:05:35,201 But why would I have to? 115 00:05:35,203 --> 00:05:37,254 I mean, won't I get a lot of money from the sale? 116 00:05:37,256 --> 00:05:40,557 Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages on this place. 117 00:05:40,559 --> 00:05:43,176 Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees 118 00:05:43,178 --> 00:05:45,395 and my commission, you'll be lucky to break even. 119 00:05:45,397 --> 00:05:47,347 Wait a minute, you're planning to take a commission? 120 00:05:47,349 --> 00:05:48,515 She doesn't work for free. 121 00:05:48,517 --> 00:05:49,983 Why should I? 122 00:05:53,154 --> 00:05:57,357 Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody. 123 00:05:57,359 --> 00:05:58,608 ♪ Men. ♪ 124 00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,330 Hi. I'm here for the open house. 125 00:06:03,332 --> 00:06:04,748 Of course. Come right in. 126 00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:06,033 Thank you. 127 00:06:06,035 --> 00:06:08,902 Three bedrooms, three and a half baths, 128 00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:11,588 60 feet of prime Malibu oceanfront. 129 00:06:11,590 --> 00:06:13,840 Wait a minute, I know this place. 130 00:06:13,842 --> 00:06:15,292 This is Charlie Harper's place, right? 131 00:06:15,294 --> 00:06:16,259 It was. 132 00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:17,377 Then I can't buy it. 133 00:06:17,379 --> 00:06:19,046 Uh... 134 00:06:19,048 --> 00:06:20,030 What? Why? 135 00:06:20,032 --> 00:06:21,214 Bad memories. 136 00:06:21,216 --> 00:06:22,516 Charlie and I had this 137 00:06:22,518 --> 00:06:25,251 drunken threesome with a crazy chick right on this couch. 138 00:06:25,253 --> 00:06:26,770 Sounds like a good memory. 139 00:06:26,772 --> 00:06:28,889 Yeah, well, unfortunately she passed out 140 00:06:28,891 --> 00:06:31,041 and Charlie and I kept going without her. 141 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,260 Bad memory. 142 00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:38,031 Oh, the feng shui is great. 143 00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:41,051 I mean, the place just oozes positive energy. 144 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,906 It's not practical. 145 00:06:45,908 --> 00:06:47,874 The commute downtown would kill me. 146 00:06:47,876 --> 00:06:49,209 Don't worry, sweetie. 147 00:06:49,211 --> 00:06:50,494 Just let the universe provide. 148 00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:52,445 The universe doesn't provide, I provide. 149 00:06:52,447 --> 00:06:54,731 I bust my ass 80 hours a week. 150 00:06:54,733 --> 00:06:56,133 Uh-oh. 151 00:06:56,135 --> 00:06:58,802 Sounds like somebody needs to meditate. 152 00:06:58,804 --> 00:06:59,920 Uh-oh. 153 00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:02,222 Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce. 154 00:07:02,224 --> 00:07:03,390 Really? 155 00:07:03,392 --> 00:07:04,791 You want to play that card? 156 00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:07,293 'Cause I will take you and your uptight bourgeois family 157 00:07:07,295 --> 00:07:09,513 for every penny you've got. 158 00:07:09,515 --> 00:07:10,730 Bye-bye! 159 00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:15,485 Bye-bye! 160 00:07:18,289 --> 00:07:19,990 What a fun couple. 161 00:07:21,576 --> 00:07:22,809 ♪ Men. ♪ 162 00:07:24,196 --> 00:07:26,646 Sorry, the open house is over. 163 00:07:26,648 --> 00:07:29,416 I got a package for Alan Harper. 164 00:07:29,418 --> 00:07:30,650 Oh, uh, that's me. 165 00:07:30,652 --> 00:07:31,501 Sign here. 166 00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,703 Ooh, how exciting. 167 00:07:35,506 --> 00:07:36,656 Wonder what it is. 168 00:07:36,658 --> 00:07:38,842 It's from a crematorium, 169 00:07:38,844 --> 00:07:41,211 so that kind of narrows it down. 170 00:07:41,213 --> 00:07:44,464 That's, uh, that's my brother. 171 00:07:44,466 --> 00:07:47,934 Berta, Charlie's here! 172 00:07:47,936 --> 00:07:49,269 Thank you. 173 00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,637 Enjoy. 174 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:23,803 Well... 175 00:08:23,805 --> 00:08:25,872 here we are, buddy. 176 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:30,160 Just like old times, huh? 177 00:08:30,162 --> 00:08:33,396 I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me. 178 00:08:38,369 --> 00:08:43,056 I, uh, I wanted to tell you, uh, that I loved you, 179 00:08:43,058 --> 00:08:46,559 and I will miss you, 180 00:08:46,561 --> 00:08:52,032 and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in, 181 00:08:52,034 --> 00:08:55,185 letting us live here all these years. 182 00:08:57,038 --> 00:09:01,074 So, now the question is... 183 00:09:01,076 --> 00:09:03,593 what do we do with you? 184 00:09:03,595 --> 00:09:07,097 I know what you said you wanted, but... 185 00:09:07,099 --> 00:09:09,216 I really don't think Pamela Anderson will agree 186 00:09:09,218 --> 00:09:11,417 to swallow your ashes. 187 00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,390 Um, I-I could take you with me to live at Mom's, 188 00:09:17,392 --> 00:09:20,160 but that's how horror movies start. 189 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,615 Hey. 190 00:09:25,617 --> 00:09:28,785 Maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach. 191 00:09:28,787 --> 00:09:31,271 I mean, it's simple, it's dignified, 192 00:09:31,273 --> 00:09:33,123 and pretty girls covered with oil 193 00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:36,626 will be sitting on you all day. 194 00:09:36,628 --> 00:09:38,795 Kind of like your life. 195 00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,799 Except for the dignified part. 196 00:09:45,469 --> 00:09:48,121 All right. 197 00:09:49,641 --> 00:09:51,808 Well... 198 00:09:54,796 --> 00:09:57,981 I guess now is as good a time as any. 199 00:10:11,112 --> 00:10:12,696 I ain't cleaning him up. 200 00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:14,948 ♪ Men. ♪ 201 00:10:17,198 --> 00:10:18,631 ♪ Men. ♪ 202 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,002 Can I use your phone? 203 00:10:21,004 --> 00:10:22,253 Sure. 204 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,504 I guess. 205 00:10:24,356 --> 00:10:26,107 Are you okay? 206 00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:27,492 Yeah, I'm fine. 207 00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:30,194 I was just trying to drown myself. 208 00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:32,330 Wait, you-you tried to commit suicide? 209 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:36,200 Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold. 210 00:10:37,619 --> 00:10:38,920 Suppose I could've worn a wet suit, 211 00:10:38,922 --> 00:10:41,322 but who tries to commit suicide in a wet suit, right? 212 00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:43,675 That phone right there? 213 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,709 Oh, yeah, yeah. 214 00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,928 Thank you. 215 00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:48,680 Uh, you got a towel? 216 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,081 Oh, sure. 217 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,416 Thanks. 218 00:10:56,254 --> 00:10:58,439 Hi. It's me. 219 00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,777 I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean 220 00:11:02,779 --> 00:11:04,979 'cause I can't live without you. 221 00:11:06,281 --> 00:11:09,484 No, I'm not calling you from the ocean. 222 00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,603 Because it was cold. 223 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:15,123 I don't... I'm in some guy's house. 224 00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:16,440 Um, Alan Harper. 225 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,793 I am in Alan Harper's house. 226 00:11:19,628 --> 00:11:22,080 How about it? Will you take me back? 227 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,882 Are you sure? 228 00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:28,052 You heard what I said about the ocean, right? 229 00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:32,306 Okay, fine. I'll stop bothering you. 230 00:11:32,308 --> 00:11:35,760 But I want you to know that I will love you forever and ever. 231 00:11:36,628 --> 00:11:37,895 Really? 232 00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,380 That bothers you? 233 00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:44,352 Okay. Bye. 234 00:11:46,304 --> 00:11:47,905 You got a wet suit? 235 00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:50,525 Oh, come on. It... it can't be that bad. 236 00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:52,543 It could be. You don't know. 237 00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,312 No, no, I do. 238 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,998 Come on. Come on. Sit down. Sit down. 239 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,783 Listen. 240 00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:01,502 I have been where you are-- 241 00:12:01,504 --> 00:12:04,338 uh, rejected, friendless, broke. 242 00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:05,540 I'm not broke. 243 00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:07,324 I'm worth, like, a billion dollars. 244 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,211 Beg pardon? 245 00:12:10,213 --> 00:12:13,831 1.3 is what her lawyer says, but I would give up every penny 246 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,716 if she would take me back. 247 00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:19,187 No, no, no. You don't want to do that. 248 00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:23,357 Uh... I think you can find a lot of girls for way less money. 249 00:12:23,359 --> 00:12:24,692 I don't want other girls. 250 00:12:24,694 --> 00:12:26,010 I want Bridget. 251 00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,678 Right. Right. 252 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,447 Um, just to clarify, um, 253 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,900 did you say "billion" with a "buh?" 254 00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,570 Listen, trust me. 255 00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:37,572 Money does not buy happiness. 256 00:12:37,574 --> 00:12:40,424 I wouldn't know. I've never had either. 257 00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,161 Come on. You're doing all right. 258 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,163 You're living in a beach house in Malibu. 259 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,247 I have to sell it. 260 00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:47,949 And it's not even mine; it's his. 261 00:12:50,185 --> 00:12:52,170 His? 262 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,088 That's my dead brother. 263 00:12:54,090 --> 00:12:55,506 Oh. 264 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,176 I'm sorry I made you spill him. 265 00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,727 That's okay. That's okay. 266 00:12:59,729 --> 00:13:01,545 I'll DustBust him later. 267 00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:02,930 You know what? 268 00:13:02,932 --> 00:13:04,232 I'll get out of your way. 269 00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:05,900 Thank you for letting me use your phone. 270 00:13:05,902 --> 00:13:07,768 Wait, hang on. You sure you're okay? 271 00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:10,488 Yeah. I'm just going to go back to my hotel room 272 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,441 and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet." 273 00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:15,610 Wait, wait, wait. I... I just went to one funeral. 274 00:13:15,612 --> 00:13:17,578 I-I don't want to be involved in another one. 275 00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:21,699 Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk? 276 00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,734 About what? 277 00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,236 Oh, I don't know. 278 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,737 The weather, politics. 279 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,673 Why somebody would want to kill themselves 280 00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:31,209 when they have a billion freaking dollars. 281 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,127 Come on. 282 00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:35,913 We'll, uh, put your clothes in the dryer. 283 00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:38,082 All right. 284 00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:41,352 Oh, by the way... 285 00:13:42,187 --> 00:13:44,639 I'm Walden. Walden Schmidt. 286 00:13:44,641 --> 00:13:46,691 Well, it's nice to meet you, Walden Schmidt. 287 00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,026 Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose there's no reason 288 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,562 you can't undress right here in the living room. 289 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,064 Oh, Skivvies coming off, too. 290 00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,616 Okay. Okay, well, uh, no body issues. 291 00:13:55,618 --> 00:13:57,785 Lucky you. That's... 292 00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,104 You're a good guy, Alan Harper. 293 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:01,939 Oh, and he's a hugger as well. 294 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,541 Okeydokey. 295 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,710 I'll be right back. 296 00:14:07,946 --> 00:14:10,281 $1.3 billion, 297 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,501 and he's hung like an elephant. 298 00:14:13,503 --> 00:14:16,120 ♪ Men. ♪ 299 00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:18,139 Uh, I will have an appletini. 300 00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:19,974 Uh, and, um...? 301 00:14:19,976 --> 00:14:22,677 Oh, uh, ginger ale, please. 302 00:14:22,679 --> 00:14:24,262 Really? 303 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,646 Fresh off a suicide attempt, 304 00:14:25,648 --> 00:14:27,181 and you're ordering a ginger ale? 305 00:14:27,183 --> 00:14:29,800 Yeah. I don't like the taste of alcohol. 306 00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,435 Nobody likes the taste of alcohol. 307 00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,437 We like the effects of alcohol. 308 00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:36,307 How it makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart. 309 00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:39,160 I am tall, good-looking and smart. 310 00:14:42,814 --> 00:14:44,982 Give him an appletini. 311 00:14:46,034 --> 00:14:48,536 So, just out of curiosity, 312 00:14:48,538 --> 00:14:51,756 how does someone get to be worth so much money? 313 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,958 Oh, it's pretty simple, really. 314 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,993 You ever hear of Blungogo.com? 315 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,261 No. 316 00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,495 And you never will, 317 00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:00,214 because Microsoft bought it from me 318 00:15:00,216 --> 00:15:03,551 for $1.3 billion, and then they bundled it 319 00:15:03,553 --> 00:15:06,187 with their iPod killer, the Zune. 320 00:15:08,056 --> 00:15:09,707 Really? 321 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,776 I don't think it came with my Zune. 322 00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,045 You bought a Zune? 323 00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:16,681 I had a coupon. 324 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:17,848 Cheers? 325 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,567 Oh. Cheers. 326 00:15:24,873 --> 00:15:28,492 So, don't take this the wrong way, 327 00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:32,313 but I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind. 328 00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:37,218 Thank you. That's very sweet. 329 00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,888 ♪ Men. ♪ 330 00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,674 You don't understand. 331 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,543 Bridget was my high school sweetheart. 332 00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:49,180 She was the love of my life. 333 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,598 So why'd she leave you? 334 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,149 She catch you with another woman? 335 00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,051 - No. - Sex no good? 336 00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:55,236 No, it was great. 337 00:15:55,238 --> 00:15:56,520 Are you sure? 338 00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:57,989 'Cause sometimes they'll tell you it's good, 339 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,223 and then you find out later 340 00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:00,825 they hated the very touch of you. 341 00:16:04,162 --> 00:16:06,414 Happened to a guy I know. 342 00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:12,086 Well, she said that I was emotionally immature. 343 00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,255 You mean like threatening suicide 344 00:16:14,257 --> 00:16:15,873 unless she takes you back? 345 00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:19,410 That is not immature; that's romantic. 346 00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,413 Shut up. 347 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,632 Well, regardless, I-I know what you're going through. 348 00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:26,583 I mean, I married my college sweetheart, 349 00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:28,752 and when she divorced me, I was devastated. 350 00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,087 Why did she leave you? 351 00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,940 Not a clue. She's a crazy bitch. 352 00:16:32,942 --> 00:16:36,277 The point is, when life serves you 353 00:16:36,279 --> 00:16:38,762 ball breakers who rip your heart out, 354 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:41,949 you have to make... 355 00:16:41,951 --> 00:16:44,368 ball breaker-ade. 356 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,603 Bridget never broke my balls. 357 00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,989 If anything, she treated them 358 00:16:48,991 --> 00:16:51,608 with tenderness and respect. 359 00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:54,611 Okay. Okay, just for tonight, 360 00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:56,330 will you... will you forget about Bridget 361 00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:58,115 and-and just try to meet somebody new? 362 00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,750 Like who? 363 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,552 I don't know. 364 00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:05,389 How about... how about her? 365 00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:06,841 Really? 366 00:17:06,843 --> 00:17:08,259 What would I say? 367 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:12,930 Uh, well, I would not lead with the testicle anecdote. 368 00:17:14,766 --> 00:17:16,817 Just... just say hi. 369 00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:18,769 Okay. 370 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,488 Hi. 371 00:17:20,490 --> 00:17:21,939 Hi. 372 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,992 - I'm Walden. - Kelly. 373 00:17:31,783 --> 00:17:33,417 So, Kelly... 374 00:17:38,874 --> 00:17:44,495 My... wife dumped me, and I want to die. 375 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,616 Oh, you poor baby. 376 00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:54,605 I love her so much. 377 00:17:56,024 --> 00:17:57,441 I... I don't... 378 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,727 Whew! I don't know... 379 00:17:59,729 --> 00:18:02,696 if I can ever love anyone 380 00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:05,199 the way that I love her. 381 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,655 That's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. 382 00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:16,527 Oh, it'll be okay. 383 00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:29,974 Oh, God, I miss my wife! 384 00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:32,009 ♪ Men. ♪ 385 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,895 Here is where I live. 386 00:18:34,897 --> 00:18:36,213 Oh. 387 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:37,681 Nice. 388 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,501 Just me and my broken heart. 389 00:18:41,486 --> 00:18:44,655 Alan, I... I think I should go back to my hotel. 390 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,157 Are you nuts? 391 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,658 We're doing great. 392 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,528 This crap about loving our exes is gold. 393 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,329 My brother would be so proud. 394 00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:55,199 What, the dude in the DustBuster? 395 00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:56,917 Yeah. 396 00:18:56,919 --> 00:19:00,070 Ah. Uh, ladies, uh, who's up for a libation? 397 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,422 - A what? - Huh? 398 00:19:01,424 --> 00:19:03,424 A... a drink-- alcohol. 399 00:19:03,426 --> 00:19:05,042 - Sure. - Great. 400 00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:07,595 Oh. Be right back. 401 00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:15,269 What's upstairs? 402 00:19:15,271 --> 00:19:17,754 I don't know. Probably a bedroom. 403 00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:20,191 Why don't we go find out? 404 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,792 Uh... okay. 405 00:19:23,728 --> 00:19:25,762 Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan where we're going? 406 00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:27,615 No. No. 407 00:19:29,618 --> 00:19:31,768 Who's ready for margaritas? 408 00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:33,937 Wow! 409 00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:37,458 One at a time, ladies! One at a time. 410 00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:42,112 Well, this is depressingly familiar. 411 00:19:44,299 --> 00:19:45,966 Shut up. 412 00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:47,968 ♪ Men. ♪ 413 00:19:52,043 --> 00:19:53,276 ♪ Men. ♪ 414 00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:56,760 Morning. 415 00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:01,098 Oh, good golly. 416 00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:03,434 Oh, uh, I'm Walden. 417 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,270 I'm impressed. 418 00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:10,541 Oh. Alan. 419 00:20:12,727 --> 00:20:13,978 Guess what. 420 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,680 I had sex with two girls last night. 421 00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:21,118 Great. Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep. 422 00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,621 I like my night better. 423 00:20:24,539 --> 00:20:25,789 Oh, hey. 424 00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,025 I dig your house, so I'm going to buy it, okay? 425 00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,543 Oh, okay. 426 00:20:29,545 --> 00:20:31,078 Thanks. 427 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,162 You're the best. 428 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:34,999 Oh... ah. 429 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,967 Whoa. 430 00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,992 Um, this is Walden. 431 00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:48,929 He's going to buy the house. 432 00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:51,882 Welcome to my humble abode. 433 00:20:57,856 --> 00:21:00,024 I like him. 434 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:04,026 == sync, corrected by elderman ==