00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,933 --> 00:00:03,243 Previously, on... 2 00:00:03,343 --> 00:00:04,078 H-Hello? 3 00:00:04,079 --> 00:00:06,346 Hey, Dad. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Tammy. 4 00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:08,463 Uh, Tammy, this is my dad Alan. 5 00:00:08,464 --> 00:00:09,765 It's a pleasure to meet you. 6 00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:10,849 How'd you two meet? 7 00:00:10,851 --> 00:00:12,234 A couple of us guys from the base 8 00:00:12,236 --> 00:00:14,019 went out drinking, and they bet me a hundred bucks 9 00:00:14,021 --> 00:00:15,553 that I wouldn't get this tattoo of two arms 10 00:00:15,555 --> 00:00:16,738 coming out of my butt crack. 11 00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:18,023 Oh, Jake, you didn't. 12 00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:20,692 No, Tammy wouldn't let me. Thank you for that. 13 00:00:20,694 --> 00:00:22,694 I took one look at his ass and I thought, 14 00:00:22,696 --> 00:00:25,447 I don't want to tattoo that, I want to bite that. 15 00:00:25,449 --> 00:00:27,366 She's old enough to have you as her kid. 16 00:00:27,368 --> 00:00:28,750 So what? You are, too. 17 00:00:28,752 --> 00:00:30,786 I-I don't understand why you're with Jake. 18 00:00:30,788 --> 00:00:33,238 The bottom line is, I think your son is terrific. 19 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,424 And I know what we have isn't gonna last forever, 20 00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,542 but it's what I want in my life right now. 21 00:00:37,544 --> 00:00:39,711 And I don't know when the last time you had sex 22 00:00:39,713 --> 00:00:43,765 with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a lot of fun. 23 00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:48,303 What a nice surprise 24 00:00:48,305 --> 00:00:50,105 to have you home for the weekend. 25 00:00:50,107 --> 00:00:51,640 Well, it's good to be home. 26 00:00:51,642 --> 00:00:56,061 Okay. I hate to be the one to break up this happy reunion, 27 00:00:56,063 --> 00:00:59,931 but you both do realize this is not your home. 28 00:00:59,933 --> 00:01:02,117 (chuckles) He's cute. 29 00:01:02,119 --> 00:01:04,769 He really is, though. 30 00:01:04,771 --> 00:01:06,338 ALAN: So, uh, so what's going on? 31 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:07,605 Anything new in the Army? 32 00:01:07,607 --> 00:01:08,991 Oh, did I tell you I got promoted? 33 00:01:08,993 --> 00:01:10,792 I'm in charge of three other guys in the kitchen now. 34 00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,744 Wow! My son the leader. 35 00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:15,113 Yeah, it's awesome. They have to do whatever I say. 36 00:01:15,115 --> 00:01:18,300 I made this one guy chug a tray of hot dog water. 37 00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:20,886 Uh, why would you do that? 38 00:01:20,888 --> 00:01:22,954 It's called earning respect, Dad. 39 00:01:22,956 --> 00:01:24,339 I-I don't understand. 40 00:01:24,341 --> 00:01:26,475 Which part? Earning or respect? 41 00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,844 Bazinga. 42 00:01:32,749 --> 00:01:34,900 Uh, it's from a TV show. 43 00:01:34,902 --> 00:01:37,402 So, uh, how are things with you and Tammy? 44 00:01:37,404 --> 00:01:39,271 Actually, we broke up. 45 00:01:40,306 --> 00:01:41,823 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened? 46 00:01:41,825 --> 00:01:43,408 We just decided it wasn't gonna work out. 47 00:01:43,410 --> 00:01:45,310 We had unrecognizable differences. 48 00:01:45,312 --> 00:01:48,980 Uh, u-unrecognizable differences? 49 00:01:48,982 --> 00:01:50,615 Yeah, you know, when you can't see 50 00:01:50,617 --> 00:01:53,502 what the problem is, but you just have to break up anyway. 51 00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,203 (doorbell rings) 52 00:01:55,205 --> 00:01:58,540 Somehow that actually makes sense. 53 00:01:58,542 --> 00:02:00,008 So, are you doing okay? 54 00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,927 I know breakups can be hard. 55 00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,546 Yeah, it actually helps to focus on my career. 56 00:02:04,548 --> 00:02:06,831 Get this-- one time I made the guys 57 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,468 stick their things in pudding. 58 00:02:12,688 --> 00:02:16,658 They must respect you so much. 59 00:02:17,710 --> 00:02:18,944 Tammy. 60 00:02:18,946 --> 00:02:20,445 Where the hell is he?! 61 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:21,930 I assume that you're talking... 62 00:02:21,932 --> 00:02:24,199 Jake! 63 00:02:24,201 --> 00:02:25,450 Uh-oh, uh-oh. Get back here, 64 00:02:25,452 --> 00:02:26,568 you son of a bitch! 65 00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,787 I am gonna kill you! 66 00:02:35,044 --> 00:02:38,830 I sense that he didn't tell us everything. 67 00:02:39,865 --> 00:02:43,251 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 68 00:02:43,253 --> 00:02:46,304 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh 69 00:02:46,306 --> 00:02:49,508 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh 70 00:02:49,510 --> 00:02:51,726 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪ 71 00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:53,478 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 72 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:57,232 ♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 73 00:02:57,234 --> 00:03:01,853 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 74 00:03:01,878 --> 00:03:05,878 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x20 ♪ Bazinga! That's From a TV Show Original Air Date on April 4, 2013 75 00:03:05,903 --> 00:03:10,903 == sync, corrected by elderman == 76 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:13,542 JAKE: Let... let go of me! 77 00:03:13,543 --> 00:03:14,993 Am I hurting you? No. 78 00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,062 How about now? Ow, ow, ow. 79 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,680 Wait, what-what the hell is going on? 80 00:03:18,682 --> 00:03:19,798 Tell them. 81 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,201 Um, I broke up with Tammy to see another girl. 82 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,469 Oh, well, you know, 83 00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:25,887 sometimes relationships run their course... 84 00:03:25,889 --> 00:03:27,172 Tell them who it was. 85 00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:28,306 I don't think they really... 86 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:30,375 Tell them! Ow! 87 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,544 It was her daughter. 88 00:03:34,263 --> 00:03:38,233 Wait, wait, y-you slept with your girlfriend's daughter? 89 00:03:39,068 --> 00:03:40,235 Jerry Springer is taped 90 00:03:40,237 --> 00:03:42,571 before a live studio audience. 91 00:03:42,573 --> 00:03:45,957 I trusted you to be a good influence on Ashley. 92 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:49,594 You know, it was your idea for us to spend time together. 93 00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:52,330 You were supposed to be tutoring her in math! 94 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:53,765 What were you thinking? 95 00:03:55,751 --> 00:03:56,901 Jake tutoring math? 96 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,204 What were you thinking? 97 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:01,122 I figured you were gonna find another girl someday. 98 00:04:01,124 --> 00:04:02,674 I just didn't think it would be 99 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,342 the one that came from my uterus. 100 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,928 I'm sorry, it just sort of happened. 101 00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:08,680 Ow! 102 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,633 Sorry, it just sort of happened. 103 00:04:11,635 --> 00:04:13,184 Jake, did you even once consider 104 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:14,752 that there were other people involved? 105 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,972 Yeah, of course. I mean, that's what made it so hot. 106 00:04:16,974 --> 00:04:18,440 Her mom was in the other room. 107 00:04:18,442 --> 00:04:19,958 That's it, I'm killing him! 108 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:20,959 Dad! Dad! 109 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,144 (chanting): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! 110 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:28,066 Okay, walk me through this. 111 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,534 Start from the beginning. 112 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,604 Well, by all accounts, I was a happy baby. 113 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,823 Fast-forward. 114 00:04:34,825 --> 00:04:37,075 You and Tammy's daughter. 115 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,293 How? 116 00:04:38,295 --> 00:04:39,628 All right. 117 00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:42,831 Imagine Tammy at 18, in a string bikini, 118 00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:44,549 crying on your shoulder, saying, 119 00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,052 "Why can't all guys be like you?" 120 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,977 Walden? 121 00:04:56,746 --> 00:04:59,731 Oh, sorry, I was still imagining. 122 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,183 It was the perfect storm. 123 00:05:02,185 --> 00:05:04,603 Ashley, had just broken up with her boyfriend 124 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,970 and Tammy was asleep. 125 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,805 I'm the victim here. 126 00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:15,530 Okay, I... 127 00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:19,150 On one hand, your behavior is despicable. 128 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,485 On the other, 129 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,171 the elusive mother-daughter combo. Up top. 130 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,875 But... (sighs) 131 00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:28,510 last time you were here, you were saying 132 00:05:28,512 --> 00:05:30,161 that Tammy was the love of your life 133 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,496 and you wanted to marry her. 134 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:34,999 What can I say? I was young and naive back then. 135 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,936 That was six weeks ago. 136 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,771 I never meant to hurt Tammy. 137 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,272 I care about them both. 138 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:45,226 Hey, do you think there would ever be a chance 139 00:05:45,228 --> 00:05:46,778 I could get them both together... 140 00:05:52,368 --> 00:05:54,185 You're adorable. 141 00:05:58,074 --> 00:06:00,492 What the hell is wrong with your son? 142 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,545 That is a question for the ages. 143 00:06:03,547 --> 00:06:05,880 Kind of like, "If there really is a God, 144 00:06:05,882 --> 00:06:08,249 why is there so much sorrow in the world?" 145 00:06:08,251 --> 00:06:09,884 or, "How have I managed 146 00:06:09,886 --> 00:06:12,470 to keep living in this house all these years?" 147 00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,923 You know, I'm tempted to sleep with you just to get back 148 00:06:14,925 --> 00:06:15,890 at him. 149 00:06:15,892 --> 00:06:17,258 (gasping) 150 00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:20,178 Oh, well, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm flattered, 151 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,396 but I actually... 152 00:06:21,398 --> 00:06:23,014 I was just kidding. 153 00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:26,718 (sighs) How could he do this to me? 154 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,186 Well, you said yourself, 155 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,739 you knew this thing with Jake wasn't gonna last. 156 00:06:30,741 --> 00:06:31,723 Yeah, but there are plenty 157 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,158 of other little skanks in our town. 158 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,909 Why did he have to pick my little skank? 159 00:06:34,911 --> 00:06:38,947 I wish there was something that would make you feel better. 160 00:06:38,949 --> 00:06:41,082 Uh, what if Jake apologized? 161 00:06:41,084 --> 00:06:43,084 What if I cut his balls off? 162 00:06:43,086 --> 00:06:45,737 So, we've got options. 163 00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:51,576 All right, you two, 164 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,445 now-now, let's, uh, let's think of the couch 165 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,314 as a safe place for communication. 166 00:06:56,316 --> 00:07:00,185 Uh, uh, neutral corner, neutral corner. 167 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,771 Now, and-and this, uh, this pillow 168 00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:05,690 represents the wall of respect. 169 00:07:07,943 --> 00:07:10,645 Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna place it between the two of you. 170 00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:13,531 Okay? 171 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,233 Now, uh, Tammy, would you like 172 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,118 to start? 173 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,787 Hey! Hey! 174 00:07:18,789 --> 00:07:21,239 She hit me with the wall of respect. 175 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,324 And you slept with my daughter. 176 00:07:23,326 --> 00:07:25,059 So we'll call it even? 177 00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:26,795 Hey! 178 00:07:26,797 --> 00:07:28,580 What's going on? 179 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,749 Oh, well, it's complicated. 180 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,383 Uh, remember Jake's girlfriend Tammy? 181 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,384 Yeah. 182 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,587 She has an 18-year-old daughter... 183 00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,722 And Jake nailed her. 184 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,478 Okay, not that complicated. 185 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,980 Uh, Jake, do you want to say something? 186 00:07:45,982 --> 00:07:47,365 All right. 187 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,485 Uh, I'm sorry for cheating on you with your daughter. 188 00:07:50,487 --> 00:07:52,270 But, I mean, 189 00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,639 when you think about it, it's really a compliment. 190 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,158 'Cause she's just a much younger version of you. 191 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:00,829 (doorbell rings) 192 00:08:00,831 --> 00:08:02,864 I'll get that. I'll get that. 193 00:08:02,866 --> 00:08:04,866 I didn't know Jake had it in him. 194 00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:07,919 Apparently, he's had it in everybody. 195 00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:09,954 Ashley? 196 00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:12,323 Baby! 197 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,958 Get your mouth off my daughter 198 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,627 you cheating son of a bitch! 199 00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,763 Oh, that would make a great country song. 200 00:08:20,182 --> 00:08:21,683 Ashley, what are you doing here? 201 00:08:21,685 --> 00:08:24,719 Mom, I know you're upset and that's why I came, but... 202 00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,271 Hey, is that my shirt? 203 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,139 Hey, is that my boyfriend? 204 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,507 Oh, please! 205 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,693 Like you haven't stolen boyfriends from me before. 206 00:08:31,695 --> 00:08:33,611 He was your teacher! 207 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,864 Yeah, and thanks to you, I failed biology. 208 00:08:35,866 --> 00:08:37,398 No, biology failed me! 209 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,950 (gasps) 210 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:43,154 This makes me so homesick. 211 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,289 Come on, Mom. 212 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,407 No, Ashley, I am not gonna let you 213 00:08:46,409 --> 00:08:48,076 throw your life away for this loser. 214 00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:50,245 Hey, hey, that loser is my son. 215 00:08:50,247 --> 00:08:51,529 And your ex-boyfriend. 216 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,131 Yeah, I was just having fun. 217 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,833 Ashley needs to think about her future. 218 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,701 Hey... he has a very bright... 219 00:08:57,736 --> 00:09:01,256 You know what, this is family business. 220 00:09:01,258 --> 00:09:02,757 You are not the boss of me. 221 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,310 If I want to date a loser, then I will. 222 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,345 Thank you. (doorbell rings) 223 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:11,883 I can actually feel my IQ dropping. 224 00:09:15,771 --> 00:09:17,522 Are you Jake's father? 225 00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:18,389 Yeah. 226 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,224 Oh! 227 00:09:21,777 --> 00:09:24,779 You don't have to pay me for today. 228 00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,282 ♪ Men. ♪ 229 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,014 What the hell? 230 00:09:37,016 --> 00:09:38,432 Why did you hit me? 231 00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:40,467 Because I can't hit a kid. 232 00:09:40,469 --> 00:09:42,687 And your son's messing with my Ashley. 233 00:09:42,689 --> 00:09:43,604 You're Ashley's dad? 234 00:09:43,606 --> 00:09:45,706 Ew! No! Ew! No! 235 00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:47,241 I'm her boyfriend. 236 00:09:47,243 --> 00:09:49,243 Ew. No. Ew. No. 237 00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:52,647 He's my ex-boyfriend. 238 00:09:52,649 --> 00:09:53,698 I'm with Jake now. 239 00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:56,667 Oh, come on, I take craps bigger than him. 240 00:09:58,070 --> 00:10:01,923 Takes me an hour and a half, but I do it. 241 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:03,624 What are you doing here, Jerry? 242 00:10:03,626 --> 00:10:05,126 Whoa, Jerry? 243 00:10:05,877 --> 00:10:08,045 From Jerry's Cadillac in Tustin? 244 00:10:08,047 --> 00:10:09,213 That's right, son. 245 00:10:09,215 --> 00:10:10,848 No credit, no problem. 246 00:10:10,850 --> 00:10:11,933 Really? 247 00:10:11,935 --> 00:10:14,218 "Want a Caddy, I'm your Daddy." 248 00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:16,020 I want a daddy. 249 00:10:20,225 --> 00:10:22,109 I want you back, Ashley. 250 00:10:22,111 --> 00:10:24,195 (scoffs) Whatever. Too little, too late, Jer-Bear. 251 00:10:24,197 --> 00:10:25,696 Yeah, Jer-Bear. 252 00:10:26,949 --> 00:10:28,866 You know, it's like that old song: "If you liked it, 253 00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:30,418 then you should've put a ring on it." 254 00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:32,470 Well, I bought you a belly ring. 255 00:10:32,472 --> 00:10:34,071 Oh, that was you? 256 00:10:34,073 --> 00:10:37,208 I chipped my tooth on that thing. 257 00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:39,026 Uh, just out of curiosity, 258 00:10:39,028 --> 00:10:42,296 how did you meet Hannah Montana here? 259 00:10:43,382 --> 00:10:44,915 It's actually a cute story. 260 00:10:44,917 --> 00:10:46,467 We were shooting a commercial 261 00:10:46,469 --> 00:10:48,836 for our Fourth of July Savings Spectacular. 262 00:10:48,838 --> 00:10:50,338 I was dressed as Uncle Sam, 263 00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:52,473 with a row of pretty girls behind me 264 00:10:52,475 --> 00:10:54,508 wearing bikinis and waving sparklers. 265 00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:56,143 I took one look at Ashley, 266 00:10:56,145 --> 00:11:00,097 pointed at her and said, "Uncle Sam wants you." 267 00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:04,101 That is a cute story. 268 00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:07,321 Fireworks went off in my pants that night. 269 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,442 Okay, not so cute anymore. 270 00:11:11,444 --> 00:11:14,278 I mean, how can you not love a girl like this? 271 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,664 She's smart, she's funny, and she's got a better body 272 00:11:16,666 --> 00:11:19,733 than the new SRX Crossover. Don't you, darling? 273 00:11:19,735 --> 00:11:22,053 Don't "darling" me. You had your chance and you blew it. 274 00:11:22,055 --> 00:11:24,705 Oh, come on, Ashley. I've been married four times. 275 00:11:24,707 --> 00:11:26,791 And you know why they didn't work. 276 00:11:26,793 --> 00:11:28,209 I got a mistress, 277 00:11:28,211 --> 00:11:32,463 and her name is Customer Satisfaction. 278 00:11:32,465 --> 00:11:33,964 All right. 279 00:11:33,966 --> 00:11:36,550 Look, Jerry, if my little girl doesn't want to see you, 280 00:11:36,552 --> 00:11:37,751 then you got to go. 281 00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:40,354 Thanks, Mom. Shut up. 282 00:11:41,223 --> 00:11:43,257 Okay. 283 00:11:43,259 --> 00:11:45,559 It takes two to make a deal. 284 00:11:45,561 --> 00:11:48,229 But know this, Ashley: 285 00:11:48,231 --> 00:11:51,982 I guarantee I will always love you. 286 00:11:51,984 --> 00:11:56,537 Just like I guarantee no one can beat my prices. 287 00:12:02,411 --> 00:12:06,280 ♪ If you need a set of wheels, Jerry's making super deals ♪ 288 00:12:06,282 --> 00:12:11,252 ♪ At Jerry's Cadillac. ♪ 289 00:12:15,290 --> 00:12:17,224 Oh, come on. It's catchy. 290 00:12:21,796 --> 00:12:24,398 God, I've failed as a parent. 291 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,483 No. 292 00:12:25,485 --> 00:12:26,984 Yeah. 293 00:12:26,986 --> 00:12:29,820 Maybe. 294 00:12:29,822 --> 00:12:32,823 My beautiful young daughter has narrowed her choices down 295 00:12:32,825 --> 00:12:37,445 to a 19-year-old who needs to ask the Wizard for a brain 296 00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:39,029 and a sleazy car salesman 297 00:12:39,031 --> 00:12:43,167 who barely escaped a Dateline special. 298 00:12:43,169 --> 00:12:45,703 O-Okay, so it's not an ideal situation, 299 00:12:45,705 --> 00:12:47,671 but... what is? 300 00:12:47,673 --> 00:12:49,373 Sometimes kids make mistakes. 301 00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:51,926 Yeah, sometimes kids are mistakes. 302 00:12:53,595 --> 00:12:55,179 Well, look, when I was a kid, 303 00:12:55,181 --> 00:12:57,498 I made a lot of choices my parents didn't agree with. 304 00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:00,601 Like dropping out of M.I.T., and that turned out great. 305 00:13:00,603 --> 00:13:01,635 (chuckles) 306 00:13:01,637 --> 00:13:02,853 Somehow I don't think 307 00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:05,506 Ashley's on the road to incredible wealth. 308 00:13:05,508 --> 00:13:07,691 She's more on the road 309 00:13:07,693 --> 00:13:11,028 to antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. 310 00:13:13,031 --> 00:13:15,116 Wow. 311 00:13:15,118 --> 00:13:17,568 That's... just... 312 00:13:17,570 --> 00:13:20,287 Wow. 313 00:13:21,123 --> 00:13:23,190 When is it gonna stop? 314 00:13:23,192 --> 00:13:24,909 When's what gonna stop? 315 00:13:24,911 --> 00:13:26,127 The taking. 316 00:13:26,129 --> 00:13:28,546 I mean, that's all kids ever do. 317 00:13:28,548 --> 00:13:31,048 I mean, first they take over your body 318 00:13:31,050 --> 00:13:33,384 like a little parasite. 319 00:13:33,386 --> 00:13:36,703 And then they trash your fun zone on the way out. 320 00:13:39,674 --> 00:13:41,592 Then they suck your boobs until your nipples 321 00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:44,711 look like the worn-out thumb on a work glove. 322 00:13:46,598 --> 00:13:49,483 You do paint a picture with your words. 323 00:13:50,502 --> 00:13:52,886 And then it gets really bad. 324 00:13:52,888 --> 00:13:56,157 They take your sleep, your time, 325 00:13:56,159 --> 00:13:59,610 your favorite dress, keys to your car, 326 00:13:59,612 --> 00:14:01,862 the weed you had hidden in a cowboy boot 327 00:14:01,864 --> 00:14:04,281 in the back of your closet. 328 00:14:04,283 --> 00:14:06,500 Leave it up to my daughter to go the extra mile 329 00:14:06,502 --> 00:14:07,734 and take my boyfriend. 330 00:14:07,736 --> 00:14:10,120 And you know why you keep giving? 331 00:14:10,122 --> 00:14:12,790 Because I'm a glutton for punishment? 332 00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:15,342 Because you love her, and you want what's best for her. 333 00:14:15,344 --> 00:14:17,411 I suppose. 334 00:14:17,413 --> 00:14:20,130 Okay, let me ask you this: were you happy with Jake? 335 00:14:20,132 --> 00:14:21,582 I mean, you know, 336 00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:24,385 before he started climbing the family tree. 337 00:14:26,254 --> 00:14:28,889 Honestly, Jake's a great guy. 338 00:14:28,891 --> 00:14:31,775 So isn't it possible 339 00:14:31,777 --> 00:14:34,895 that he may also be a great guy for your daughter? 340 00:14:34,897 --> 00:14:36,063 No. 341 00:14:36,065 --> 00:14:37,565 Yes. 342 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:38,732 Maybe. 343 00:14:41,469 --> 00:14:44,788 Really? The thumb on a work glove? 344 00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:46,790 Oh, honey, that was two boob jobs ago. 345 00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:50,077 These puppies can cut glass now. 346 00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:01,956 Sorry Jerry hit you, Dad. 347 00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:04,091 So am I. 348 00:15:04,093 --> 00:15:06,260 Yeah, what was that about? I mean, he won't hit a kid, 349 00:15:06,262 --> 00:15:08,962 but he'll hit somebody way older than him? 350 00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,131 What? 351 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:13,801 (loudly): I said, "He won't hit a kid, 352 00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:17,354 but he'll hit someone way older than him!" 353 00:15:18,790 --> 00:15:20,274 Hey. 354 00:15:20,276 --> 00:15:22,660 (clears throat) 355 00:15:22,662 --> 00:15:24,612 (sighs) 356 00:15:24,614 --> 00:15:26,980 I have something I want to say to you two. 357 00:15:26,982 --> 00:15:28,332 Don't care. 358 00:15:28,334 --> 00:15:31,452 I swear to God, Ashley, I paid to get those teeth straight, 359 00:15:31,454 --> 00:15:32,786 I will crooked 'em up again! 360 00:15:32,788 --> 00:15:34,572 WALDEN: Up-bup-bup-bup. 361 00:15:34,574 --> 00:15:37,157 Eye on the ball, Tammy. Eye on the ball. 362 00:15:39,511 --> 00:15:42,179 If you two want to be with each other, 363 00:15:42,181 --> 00:15:44,265 I am not gonna stand in your way. 364 00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:45,282 Really? 365 00:15:45,284 --> 00:15:47,017 If you think you can be happy together, 366 00:15:47,019 --> 00:15:48,168 then be happy together. 367 00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:50,254 Wow. Thank you, Tammy. 368 00:15:50,256 --> 00:15:53,107 I... guess I just hope Ashley and I 369 00:15:53,109 --> 00:15:56,110 can be as happy as you and I were. 370 00:15:59,281 --> 00:16:00,981 Stop talking. 371 00:16:02,851 --> 00:16:05,202 But I already am happy, Jake-Bear. 372 00:16:05,204 --> 00:16:07,521 Give me some sugar. 373 00:16:08,990 --> 00:16:12,192 This is the oddest family moment I have ever witnessed. 374 00:16:12,194 --> 00:16:13,827 (doorbell rings) 375 00:16:15,747 --> 00:16:17,831 Maybe I should grease up a pig 376 00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:20,217 in case they want to wrestle later. 377 00:16:23,555 --> 00:16:24,505 Jerry. 378 00:16:24,507 --> 00:16:26,640 (sighs) I feel bad about before, 379 00:16:26,642 --> 00:16:30,477 so I brought you an official Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie. 380 00:16:32,397 --> 00:16:34,014 I told you, it's over. 381 00:16:34,016 --> 00:16:36,066 You did. 382 00:16:36,068 --> 00:16:38,051 But I'm driving home 383 00:16:38,053 --> 00:16:41,054 in my limited edition Escalade... 384 00:16:44,659 --> 00:16:46,610 ...when it hits me. 385 00:16:46,612 --> 00:16:49,863 If I've learned one thing in my 25 years 386 00:16:49,865 --> 00:16:52,249 as Orange County's number one dealer 387 00:16:52,251 --> 00:16:54,201 of premium luxury vehicles, 388 00:16:54,203 --> 00:16:57,004 it's that you don't take no for an answer. 389 00:16:57,006 --> 00:16:59,673 God, this guy's good. 390 00:16:59,675 --> 00:17:02,259 So I came back here to ask you just 391 00:17:02,261 --> 00:17:03,477 one question. 392 00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:05,863 (gasps) 393 00:17:05,865 --> 00:17:09,416 What's it gonna take to get you into my life today? 394 00:17:10,468 --> 00:17:12,436 Oh, my God, look at the size of that rock. 395 00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:15,689 Dude, you can't buy her love with a diamond ring. 396 00:17:15,691 --> 00:17:17,441 But wait, there's more. 397 00:17:19,611 --> 00:17:23,764 My manager's gonna kill me, but if you say yes right now... 398 00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:29,286 ...I will throw in a 2012 powder blue Mercedes SL 399 00:17:29,288 --> 00:17:31,872 I just bought at a police auction. 400 00:17:33,541 --> 00:17:35,442 I don't know what to do. 401 00:17:35,444 --> 00:17:38,779 ALAN and TAMMY: Take the car! 402 00:17:38,781 --> 00:17:39,880 Dad! 403 00:17:39,882 --> 00:17:41,782 It's a Mercedes. 404 00:17:42,917 --> 00:17:44,385 We got a deal, Ashley? 405 00:17:44,387 --> 00:17:46,553 Sold! 406 00:17:46,555 --> 00:17:49,256 OTHERS: Aw... 407 00:17:49,258 --> 00:17:51,508 Ew! 408 00:17:51,510 --> 00:17:54,127 I love these people. 409 00:17:54,129 --> 00:17:56,430 ♪ Men. ♪ 410 00:18:05,095 --> 00:18:06,896 (knocking, door opens) 411 00:18:06,898 --> 00:18:08,548 Jake? 412 00:18:11,018 --> 00:18:12,718 Doing okay? 413 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,320 I guess. 414 00:18:14,322 --> 00:18:17,039 I really screwed things up this time, didn't I? 415 00:18:17,041 --> 00:18:18,724 Well... 416 00:18:18,726 --> 00:18:21,727 you certainly screwed everything you could. 417 00:18:21,729 --> 00:18:23,763 I mean, I had such a good thing going-- 418 00:18:23,765 --> 00:18:25,932 first with Tammy and then Ashley--- 419 00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:28,301 and now I'm all alone. 420 00:18:28,303 --> 00:18:30,236 That's because you're a Harper. 421 00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:31,654 It's what we do. 422 00:18:31,656 --> 00:18:34,907 We take something good and turn it into nothing. 423 00:18:35,776 --> 00:18:37,643 I don't like being a Harper. 424 00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:39,562 Nobody does, son. 425 00:18:39,564 --> 00:18:41,730 Nobody does. 426 00:18:47,704 --> 00:18:49,338 What a day, huh? 427 00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:50,873 Yeah. 428 00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:52,458 Sorry about all the trouble. 429 00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:54,110 Oh. You kidding me? 430 00:18:54,112 --> 00:18:56,462 Jerry sold me an Escalade at dealer cost. 431 00:18:56,464 --> 00:18:59,382 Oh, honey, you didn't fall for that, did you? 432 00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:03,185 He really is the king, isn't he? 433 00:19:04,021 --> 00:19:06,439 And my daughter gets to be the queen. 434 00:19:06,441 --> 00:19:09,308 It's a white trash fairy tale. 435 00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,277 Hey. Let's talk about something happier. 436 00:19:11,279 --> 00:19:13,362 Remember when Alan got punched in the face? 437 00:19:13,364 --> 00:19:16,599 (laughing): Yeah. That was awesome. 438 00:19:17,784 --> 00:19:20,119 Mmm. (chuckles) (sighs) 439 00:19:20,121 --> 00:19:22,538 You know, the older I get, 440 00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:25,291 the less I understand about relationships. 441 00:19:25,293 --> 00:19:27,577 Me, too. I'm like a blind man 442 00:19:27,579 --> 00:19:30,062 trying to get out of a doorknob factory. 443 00:19:30,064 --> 00:19:32,798 I mean, how is that possible? 444 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,668 I mean, you're handsome and smart and charming... 445 00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:37,620 You're embarrassing me. 446 00:19:37,622 --> 00:19:39,672 Go on. 447 00:19:39,674 --> 00:19:41,641 I mean, you got the whole package. 448 00:19:41,643 --> 00:19:43,342 Well, you do, too. 449 00:19:43,344 --> 00:19:45,611 I mean, you're beautiful, you're independent, 450 00:19:45,613 --> 00:19:47,096 you're intelligent... 451 00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:48,397 Oh, stop. 452 00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:52,902 Well, don't actually stop. 453 00:19:52,904 --> 00:19:54,937 You're funny. 454 00:19:56,506 --> 00:19:57,506 You're... 455 00:19:58,775 --> 00:20:02,478 ...really, really beautiful. 456 00:20:12,155 --> 00:20:14,123 Okay, that probably wasn't a good idea. 457 00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:16,325 Definitely not. 458 00:20:19,858 --> 00:20:21,692 Berta's gonna love this. 459 00:20:21,694 --> 00:20:26,694 == sync, corrected by elderman ==