00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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Previously, on...
2
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H-Hello?
3
00:00:04,079 --> 00:00:06,346
Hey, Dad. Uh, this is
my girlfriend, Tammy.
4
00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:08,463
Uh, Tammy,
this is my dad Alan.
5
00:00:08,464 --> 00:00:09,765
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
6
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:10,849
How'd you two meet?
7
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A couple of us guys
from the base
8
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went out drinking, and they
bet me a hundred bucks
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00:00:14,021 --> 00:00:15,553
that I wouldn't get
this tattoo of two arms
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00:00:15,555 --> 00:00:16,738
coming out of
my butt crack.
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00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:18,023
Oh, Jake, you didn't.
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00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:20,692
No, Tammy wouldn't let me.
Thank you for that.
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00:00:20,694 --> 00:00:22,694
I took one look
at his ass and I thought,
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I don't want to tattoo that,
I want to bite that.
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She's old enough
to have you as her kid.
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So what? You are, too.
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00:00:28,752 --> 00:00:30,786
I-I don't understand
why you're with Jake.
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00:00:30,788 --> 00:00:33,238
The bottom line is,
I think your son is terrific.
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00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,424
And I know what we have
isn't gonna last forever,
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00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,542
but it's what I want
in my life right now.
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And I don't know when
the last time you had sex
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00:00:39,713 --> 00:00:43,765
with a 19-year-old boy was,
but it is a lot of fun.
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00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:48,303
What a nice surprise
24
00:00:48,305 --> 00:00:50,105
to have you home
for the weekend.
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00:00:50,107 --> 00:00:51,640
Well, it's good
to be home.
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00:00:51,642 --> 00:00:56,061
Okay. I hate to be the one
to break up this happy reunion,
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but you both do realize
this is not your home.
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(chuckles)
He's cute.
29
00:01:02,119 --> 00:01:04,769
He really is, though.
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ALAN: So, uh,
so what's going on?
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Anything new in the Army?
32
00:01:07,607 --> 00:01:08,991
Oh, did I tell you
I got promoted?
33
00:01:08,993 --> 00:01:10,792
I'm in charge of three
other guys in the kitchen now.
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00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,744
Wow! My son the leader.
35
00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:15,113
Yeah, it's awesome.
They have to do whatever I say.
36
00:01:15,115 --> 00:01:18,300
I made this one guy
chug a tray of hot dog water.
37
00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:20,886
Uh, why would you do that?
38
00:01:20,888 --> 00:01:22,954
It's called
earning respect, Dad.
39
00:01:22,956 --> 00:01:24,339
I-I don't understand.
40
00:01:24,341 --> 00:01:26,475
Which part?
Earning or respect?
41
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,844
Bazinga.
42
00:01:32,749 --> 00:01:34,900
Uh, it's from a TV show.
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So, uh, how are things
with you and Tammy?
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00:01:37,404 --> 00:01:39,271
Actually, we broke up.
45
00:01:40,306 --> 00:01:41,823
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened?
46
00:01:41,825 --> 00:01:43,408
We just decided
it wasn't gonna work out.
47
00:01:43,410 --> 00:01:45,310
We had
unrecognizable differences.
48
00:01:45,312 --> 00:01:48,980
Uh, u-unrecognizable
differences?
49
00:01:48,982 --> 00:01:50,615
Yeah, you know,
when you can't see
50
00:01:50,617 --> 00:01:53,502
what the problem is, but you
just have to break up anyway.
51
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,203
(doorbell rings)
52
00:01:55,205 --> 00:01:58,540
Somehow that actually
makes sense.
53
00:01:58,542 --> 00:02:00,008
So, are you doing okay?
54
00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,927
I know breakups can be hard.
55
00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,546
Yeah, it actually helps
to focus on my career.
56
00:02:04,548 --> 00:02:06,831
Get this-- one time
I made the guys
57
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,468
stick their things in pudding.
58
00:02:12,688 --> 00:02:16,658
They must respect you so much.
59
00:02:17,710 --> 00:02:18,944
Tammy.
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00:02:18,946 --> 00:02:20,445
Where the hell is he?!
61
00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:21,930
I assume that you're talking...
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00:02:21,932 --> 00:02:24,199
Jake!
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00:02:24,201 --> 00:02:25,450
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Get back here,
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00:02:25,452 --> 00:02:26,568
you son of a bitch!
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00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,787
I am gonna kill you!
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00:02:35,044 --> 00:02:38,830
I sense that he didn't
tell us everything.
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00:02:39,865 --> 00:02:43,251
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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00:02:43,253 --> 00:02:46,304
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh
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00:02:46,306 --> 00:02:49,508
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh
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♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
71
00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:53,478
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:57,232
♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
73
00:02:57,234 --> 00:03:01,853
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
74
00:03:01,878 --> 00:03:05,878
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x20 ♪
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
Original Air Date on April 4, 2013
75
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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JAKE: Let...
let go of me!
77
00:03:13,543 --> 00:03:14,993
Am I hurting you?
No.
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00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,062
How about now?
Ow, ow, ow.
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00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,680
Wait, what-what
the hell is going on?
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00:03:18,682 --> 00:03:19,798
Tell them.
81
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,201
Um, I broke up with Tammy
to see another girl.
82
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,469
Oh, well, you know,
83
00:03:24,471 --> 00:03:25,887
sometimes relationships
run their course...
84
00:03:25,889 --> 00:03:27,172
Tell them who it was.
85
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:28,306
I don't think
they really...
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00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:30,375
Tell them!
Ow!
87
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,544
It was her daughter.
88
00:03:34,263 --> 00:03:38,233
Wait, wait, y-you slept
with your girlfriend's daughter?
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00:03:39,068 --> 00:03:40,235
Jerry Springer is taped
90
00:03:40,237 --> 00:03:42,571
before a live
studio audience.
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00:03:42,573 --> 00:03:45,957
I trusted you to be a
good influence on Ashley.
92
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:49,594
You know, it was your idea
for us to spend time together.
93
00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:52,330
You were supposed to be
tutoring her in math!
94
00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:53,765
What were you thinking?
95
00:03:55,751 --> 00:03:56,901
Jake tutoring math?
96
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,204
What were you thinking?
97
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:01,122
I figured you were gonna
find another girl someday.
98
00:04:01,124 --> 00:04:02,674
I just didn't
think it would be
99
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,342
the one that came
from my uterus.
100
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,928
I'm sorry,
it just sort of happened.
101
00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:08,680
Ow!
102
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,633
Sorry, it just
sort of happened.
103
00:04:11,635 --> 00:04:13,184
Jake, did you even once consider
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00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:14,752
that there were
other people involved?
105
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,972
Yeah, of course. I mean,
that's what made it so hot.
106
00:04:16,974 --> 00:04:18,440
Her mom was in the other room.
107
00:04:18,442 --> 00:04:19,958
That's it,
I'm killing him!
108
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:20,959
Dad! Dad!
109
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,144
(chanting):
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
110
00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:28,066
Okay, walk me through this.
111
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,534
Start from the beginning.
112
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,604
Well, by all accounts,
I was a happy baby.
113
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,823
Fast-forward.
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00:04:34,825 --> 00:04:37,075
You and Tammy's daughter.
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How?
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00:04:38,295 --> 00:04:39,628
All right.
117
00:04:39,630 --> 00:04:42,831
Imagine Tammy at 18,
in a string bikini,
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00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:44,549
crying on your shoulder,
saying,
119
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:47,052
"Why can't all guys
be like you?"
120
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,977
Walden?
121
00:04:56,746 --> 00:04:59,731
Oh, sorry,
I was still imagining.
122
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,183
It was the perfect storm.
123
00:05:02,185 --> 00:05:04,603
Ashley, had just broken up
with her boyfriend
124
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,970
and Tammy was asleep.
125
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,805
I'm the victim here.
126
00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:15,530
Okay, I...
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00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:19,150
On one hand,
your behavior is despicable.
128
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,485
On the other,
129
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,171
the elusive mother-daughter
combo. Up top.
130
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,875
But... (sighs)
131
00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:28,510
last time you were
here, you were saying
132
00:05:28,512 --> 00:05:30,161
that Tammy was the
love of your life
133
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,496
and you wanted
to marry her.
134
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:34,999
What can I say?
I was young and naive back then.
135
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,936
That was six
weeks ago.
136
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,771
I never meant to hurt Tammy.
137
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,272
I care about them both.
138
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:45,226
Hey, do you think
there would ever be a chance
139
00:05:45,228 --> 00:05:46,778
I could
get them both together...
140
00:05:52,368 --> 00:05:54,185
You're adorable.
141
00:05:58,074 --> 00:06:00,492
What the hell
is wrong with your son?
142
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,545
That is a question for the ages.
143
00:06:03,547 --> 00:06:05,880
Kind of like,
"If there really is a God,
144
00:06:05,882 --> 00:06:08,249
why is there so much sorrow
in the world?"
145
00:06:08,251 --> 00:06:09,884
or, "How have I managed
146
00:06:09,886 --> 00:06:12,470
to keep living in this house
all these years?"
147
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,923
You know, I'm tempted to sleep
with you just to get back
148
00:06:14,925 --> 00:06:15,890
at him.
149
00:06:15,892 --> 00:06:17,258
(gasping)
150
00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:20,178
Oh, well, I'm, uh,
I'm, uh, I'm flattered,
151
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,396
but I actually...
152
00:06:21,398 --> 00:06:23,014
I was just kidding.
153
00:06:24,049 --> 00:06:26,718
(sighs) How could
he do this to me?
154
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,186
Well, you said yourself,
155
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,739
you knew this thing with
Jake wasn't gonna last.
156
00:06:30,741 --> 00:06:31,723
Yeah, but there are plenty
157
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,158
of other little skanks
in our town.
158
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,909
Why did he have
to pick my little skank?
159
00:06:34,911 --> 00:06:38,947
I wish there was something that
would make you feel better.
160
00:06:38,949 --> 00:06:41,082
Uh, what if
Jake apologized?
161
00:06:41,084 --> 00:06:43,084
What if I cut his balls off?
162
00:06:43,086 --> 00:06:45,737
So, we've got options.
163
00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:51,576
All right, you two,
164
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,445
now-now, let's, uh,
let's think of the couch
165
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,314
as a safe place
for communication.
166
00:06:56,316 --> 00:07:00,185
Uh, uh, neutral corner,
neutral corner.
167
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,771
Now, and-and this,
uh, this pillow
168
00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:05,690
represents the wall of respect.
169
00:07:07,943 --> 00:07:10,645
Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
place it between the two of you.
170
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:13,531
Okay?
171
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,233
Now, uh, Tammy, would you like
172
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,118
to start?
173
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,787
Hey! Hey!
174
00:07:18,789 --> 00:07:21,239
She hit me
with the wall of respect.
175
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,324
And you slept with my daughter.
176
00:07:23,326 --> 00:07:25,059
So we'll call it even?
177
00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:26,795
Hey!
178
00:07:26,797 --> 00:07:28,580
What's going on?
179
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,749
Oh, well,
it's complicated.
180
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,383
Uh, remember
Jake's girlfriend Tammy?
181
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,384
Yeah.
182
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,587
She has
an 18-year-old daughter...
183
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,722
And Jake nailed her.
184
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,478
Okay, not
that complicated.
185
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,980
Uh, Jake,
do you want to say something?
186
00:07:45,982 --> 00:07:47,365
All right.
187
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,485
Uh, I'm sorry for cheating
on you with your daughter.
188
00:07:50,487 --> 00:07:52,270
But, I mean,
189
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,639
when you think about it,
it's really a compliment.
190
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,158
'Cause she's just
a much younger version of you.
191
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:00,829
(doorbell rings)
192
00:08:00,831 --> 00:08:02,864
I'll get that.
I'll get that.
193
00:08:02,866 --> 00:08:04,866
I didn't know
Jake had it in him.
194
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:07,919
Apparently, he's had
it in everybody.
195
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:09,954
Ashley?
196
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:12,323
Baby!
197
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,958
Get your mouth off my daughter
198
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,627
you cheating
son of a bitch!
199
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,763
Oh, that would make
a great country song.
200
00:08:20,182 --> 00:08:21,683
Ashley, what are you doing here?
201
00:08:21,685 --> 00:08:24,719
Mom, I know you're upset
and that's why I came, but...
202
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,271
Hey, is that my shirt?
203
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,139
Hey, is that my boyfriend?
204
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,507
Oh, please!
205
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,693
Like you haven't stolen
boyfriends from me before.
206
00:08:31,695 --> 00:08:33,611
He was your teacher!
207
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,864
Yeah, and thanks to you,
I failed biology.
208
00:08:35,866 --> 00:08:37,398
No, biology failed me!
209
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,950
(gasps)
210
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:43,154
This makes me
so homesick.
211
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,289
Come on, Mom.
212
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,407
No, Ashley, I am
not gonna let you
213
00:08:46,409 --> 00:08:48,076
throw your life away
for this loser.
214
00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:50,245
Hey, hey, that
loser is my son.
215
00:08:50,247 --> 00:08:51,529
And your ex-boyfriend.
216
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,131
Yeah, I was
just having fun.
217
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,833
Ashley needs to think
about her future.
218
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,701
Hey... he has
a very bright...
219
00:08:57,736 --> 00:09:01,256
You know what, this
is family business.
220
00:09:01,258 --> 00:09:02,757
You are not
the boss of me.
221
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,310
If I want to date a
loser, then I will.
222
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,345
Thank you.
(doorbell rings)
223
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:11,883
I can actually feel
my IQ dropping.
224
00:09:15,771 --> 00:09:17,522
Are you Jake's father?
225
00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:18,389
Yeah.
226
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,224
Oh!
227
00:09:21,777 --> 00:09:24,779
You don't have to
pay me for today.
228
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,282
♪ Men. ♪
229
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,014
What the hell?
230
00:09:37,016 --> 00:09:38,432
Why did you hit me?
231
00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:40,467
Because I can't hit a kid.
232
00:09:40,469 --> 00:09:42,687
And your son's
messing with my Ashley.
233
00:09:42,689 --> 00:09:43,604
You're Ashley's dad?
234
00:09:43,606 --> 00:09:45,706
Ew! No!
Ew! No!
235
00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:47,241
I'm her boyfriend.
236
00:09:47,243 --> 00:09:49,243
Ew. No.
Ew. No.
237
00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:52,647
He's my ex-boyfriend.
238
00:09:52,649 --> 00:09:53,698
I'm with Jake now.
239
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:56,667
Oh, come on,
I take craps bigger than him.
240
00:09:58,070 --> 00:10:01,923
Takes me an hour and a half,
but I do it.
241
00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:03,624
What are you
doing here, Jerry?
242
00:10:03,626 --> 00:10:05,126
Whoa, Jerry?
243
00:10:05,877 --> 00:10:08,045
From Jerry's Cadillac
in Tustin?
244
00:10:08,047 --> 00:10:09,213
That's right, son.
245
00:10:09,215 --> 00:10:10,848
No credit, no problem.
246
00:10:10,850 --> 00:10:11,933
Really?
247
00:10:11,935 --> 00:10:14,218
"Want a Caddy, I'm your Daddy."
248
00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:16,020
I want a daddy.
249
00:10:20,225 --> 00:10:22,109
I want you back, Ashley.
250
00:10:22,111 --> 00:10:24,195
(scoffs) Whatever.
Too little, too late, Jer-Bear.
251
00:10:24,197 --> 00:10:25,696
Yeah, Jer-Bear.
252
00:10:26,949 --> 00:10:28,866
You know, it's like that
old song: "If you liked it,
253
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:30,418
then you should've put
a ring on it."
254
00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:32,470
Well, I bought you a belly ring.
255
00:10:32,472 --> 00:10:34,071
Oh, that was you?
256
00:10:34,073 --> 00:10:37,208
I chipped my tooth
on that thing.
257
00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:39,026
Uh, just out of curiosity,
258
00:10:39,028 --> 00:10:42,296
how did you meet
Hannah Montana here?
259
00:10:43,382 --> 00:10:44,915
It's actually a cute story.
260
00:10:44,917 --> 00:10:46,467
We were shooting a commercial
261
00:10:46,469 --> 00:10:48,836
for our Fourth of July
Savings Spectacular.
262
00:10:48,838 --> 00:10:50,338
I was dressed as Uncle Sam,
263
00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:52,473
with a row of pretty girls
behind me
264
00:10:52,475 --> 00:10:54,508
wearing bikinis
and waving sparklers.
265
00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:56,143
I took one look at Ashley,
266
00:10:56,145 --> 00:11:00,097
pointed at her and said,
"Uncle Sam wants you."
267
00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:04,101
That is a cute story.
268
00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:07,321
Fireworks went off in
my pants that night.
269
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,442
Okay, not so
cute anymore.
270
00:11:11,444 --> 00:11:14,278
I mean, how can you not love
a girl like this?
271
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,664
She's smart, she's funny,
and she's got a better body
272
00:11:16,666 --> 00:11:19,733
than the new SRX Crossover.
Don't you, darling?
273
00:11:19,735 --> 00:11:22,053
Don't "darling" me. You had
your chance and you blew it.
274
00:11:22,055 --> 00:11:24,705
Oh, come on, Ashley.
I've been married four times.
275
00:11:24,707 --> 00:11:26,791
And you know
why they didn't work.
276
00:11:26,793 --> 00:11:28,209
I got a mistress,
277
00:11:28,211 --> 00:11:32,463
and her name
is Customer Satisfaction.
278
00:11:32,465 --> 00:11:33,964
All right.
279
00:11:33,966 --> 00:11:36,550
Look, Jerry, if my little girl
doesn't want to see you,
280
00:11:36,552 --> 00:11:37,751
then you got to go.
281
00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:40,354
Thanks, Mom.
Shut up.
282
00:11:41,223 --> 00:11:43,257
Okay.
283
00:11:43,259 --> 00:11:45,559
It takes two
to make a deal.
284
00:11:45,561 --> 00:11:48,229
But know this, Ashley:
285
00:11:48,231 --> 00:11:51,982
I guarantee
I will always love you.
286
00:11:51,984 --> 00:11:56,537
Just like I guarantee
no one can beat my prices.
287
00:12:02,411 --> 00:12:06,280
♪ If you need a set of wheels,
Jerry's making super deals ♪
288
00:12:06,282 --> 00:12:11,252
♪ At Jerry's Cadillac. ♪
289
00:12:15,290 --> 00:12:17,224
Oh, come on.
It's catchy.
290
00:12:21,796 --> 00:12:24,398
God, I've failed
as a parent.
291
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,483
No.
292
00:12:25,485 --> 00:12:26,984
Yeah.
293
00:12:26,986 --> 00:12:29,820
Maybe.
294
00:12:29,822 --> 00:12:32,823
My beautiful young daughter
has narrowed her choices down
295
00:12:32,825 --> 00:12:37,445
to a 19-year-old who needs
to ask the Wizard for a brain
296
00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:39,029
and a sleazy car salesman
297
00:12:39,031 --> 00:12:43,167
who barely escaped
a Dateline special.
298
00:12:43,169 --> 00:12:45,703
O-Okay, so it's not
an ideal situation,
299
00:12:45,705 --> 00:12:47,671
but... what is?
300
00:12:47,673 --> 00:12:49,373
Sometimes kids
make mistakes.
301
00:12:49,375 --> 00:12:51,926
Yeah, sometimes kids
are mistakes.
302
00:12:53,595 --> 00:12:55,179
Well, look,
when I was a kid,
303
00:12:55,181 --> 00:12:57,498
I made a lot of choices
my parents didn't agree with.
304
00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:00,601
Like dropping out of M.I.T.,
and that turned out great.
305
00:13:00,603 --> 00:13:01,635
(chuckles)
306
00:13:01,637 --> 00:13:02,853
Somehow I don't think
307
00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:05,506
Ashley's on the road
to incredible wealth.
308
00:13:05,508 --> 00:13:07,691
She's more on the road
309
00:13:07,693 --> 00:13:11,028
to antibiotic-resistant
gonorrhea.
310
00:13:13,031 --> 00:13:15,116
Wow.
311
00:13:15,118 --> 00:13:17,568
That's... just...
312
00:13:17,570 --> 00:13:20,287
Wow.
313
00:13:21,123 --> 00:13:23,190
When is it gonna stop?
314
00:13:23,192 --> 00:13:24,909
When's what gonna stop?
315
00:13:24,911 --> 00:13:26,127
The taking.
316
00:13:26,129 --> 00:13:28,546
I mean, that's all
kids ever do.
317
00:13:28,548 --> 00:13:31,048
I mean, first they
take over your body
318
00:13:31,050 --> 00:13:33,384
like a little parasite.
319
00:13:33,386 --> 00:13:36,703
And then they trash your
fun zone on the way out.
320
00:13:39,674 --> 00:13:41,592
Then they suck your boobs
until your nipples
321
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:44,711
look like the worn-out thumb
on a work glove.
322
00:13:46,598 --> 00:13:49,483
You do paint a picture
with your words.
323
00:13:50,502 --> 00:13:52,886
And then it
gets really bad.
324
00:13:52,888 --> 00:13:56,157
They take your
sleep, your time,
325
00:13:56,159 --> 00:13:59,610
your favorite dress,
keys to your car,
326
00:13:59,612 --> 00:14:01,862
the weed you had hidden
in a cowboy boot
327
00:14:01,864 --> 00:14:04,281
in the back of
your closet.
328
00:14:04,283 --> 00:14:06,500
Leave it up to my daughter
to go the extra mile
329
00:14:06,502 --> 00:14:07,734
and take my boyfriend.
330
00:14:07,736 --> 00:14:10,120
And you know
why you keep giving?
331
00:14:10,122 --> 00:14:12,790
Because I'm a glutton
for punishment?
332
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:15,342
Because you love her, and
you want what's best for her.
333
00:14:15,344 --> 00:14:17,411
I suppose.
334
00:14:17,413 --> 00:14:20,130
Okay, let me ask you this:
were you happy with Jake?
335
00:14:20,132 --> 00:14:21,582
I mean, you know,
336
00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:24,385
before he started
climbing the family tree.
337
00:14:26,254 --> 00:14:28,889
Honestly, Jake's
a great guy.
338
00:14:28,891 --> 00:14:31,775
So isn't it possible
339
00:14:31,777 --> 00:14:34,895
that he may also be a great guy
for your daughter?
340
00:14:34,897 --> 00:14:36,063
No.
341
00:14:36,065 --> 00:14:37,565
Yes.
342
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:38,732
Maybe.
343
00:14:41,469 --> 00:14:44,788
Really? The thumb
on a work glove?
344
00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:46,790
Oh, honey, that was
two boob jobs ago.
345
00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:50,077
These puppies can
cut glass now.
346
00:15:00,455 --> 00:15:01,956
Sorry Jerry
hit you, Dad.
347
00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:04,091
So am I.
348
00:15:04,093 --> 00:15:06,260
Yeah, what was that about?
I mean, he won't hit a kid,
349
00:15:06,262 --> 00:15:08,962
but he'll hit somebody
way older than him?
350
00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,131
What?
351
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:13,801
(loudly):
I said, "He won't hit a kid,
352
00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:17,354
but he'll hit someone
way older than him!"
353
00:15:18,790 --> 00:15:20,274
Hey.
354
00:15:20,276 --> 00:15:22,660
(clears throat)
355
00:15:22,662 --> 00:15:24,612
(sighs)
356
00:15:24,614 --> 00:15:26,980
I have something
I want to say to you two.
357
00:15:26,982 --> 00:15:28,332
Don't care.
358
00:15:28,334 --> 00:15:31,452
I swear to God, Ashley, I paid
to get those teeth straight,
359
00:15:31,454 --> 00:15:32,786
I will crooked 'em up again!
360
00:15:32,788 --> 00:15:34,572
WALDEN:
Up-bup-bup-bup.
361
00:15:34,574 --> 00:15:37,157
Eye on the ball, Tammy.
Eye on the ball.
362
00:15:39,511 --> 00:15:42,179
If you two want
to be with each other,
363
00:15:42,181 --> 00:15:44,265
I am not gonna stand
in your way.
364
00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:45,282
Really?
365
00:15:45,284 --> 00:15:47,017
If you think you can
be happy together,
366
00:15:47,019 --> 00:15:48,168
then be happy together.
367
00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:50,254
Wow. Thank you, Tammy.
368
00:15:50,256 --> 00:15:53,107
I... guess I just
hope Ashley and I
369
00:15:53,109 --> 00:15:56,110
can be as happy as
you and I were.
370
00:15:59,281 --> 00:16:00,981
Stop talking.
371
00:16:02,851 --> 00:16:05,202
But I already am happy,
Jake-Bear.
372
00:16:05,204 --> 00:16:07,521
Give me some sugar.
373
00:16:08,990 --> 00:16:12,192
This is the oddest family moment
I have ever witnessed.
374
00:16:12,194 --> 00:16:13,827
(doorbell rings)
375
00:16:15,747 --> 00:16:17,831
Maybe I should
grease up a pig
376
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:20,217
in case they want
to wrestle later.
377
00:16:23,555 --> 00:16:24,505
Jerry.
378
00:16:24,507 --> 00:16:26,640
(sighs)
I feel bad about before,
379
00:16:26,642 --> 00:16:30,477
so I brought you an official
Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie.
380
00:16:32,397 --> 00:16:34,014
I told you, it's over.
381
00:16:34,016 --> 00:16:36,066
You did.
382
00:16:36,068 --> 00:16:38,051
But I'm driving home
383
00:16:38,053 --> 00:16:41,054
in my limited edition
Escalade...
384
00:16:44,659 --> 00:16:46,610
...when it hits me.
385
00:16:46,612 --> 00:16:49,863
If I've learned one thing
in my 25 years
386
00:16:49,865 --> 00:16:52,249
as Orange County's
number one dealer
387
00:16:52,251 --> 00:16:54,201
of premium
luxury vehicles,
388
00:16:54,203 --> 00:16:57,004
it's that you don't take no
for an answer.
389
00:16:57,006 --> 00:16:59,673
God, this guy's good.
390
00:16:59,675 --> 00:17:02,259
So I came back here
to ask you just
391
00:17:02,261 --> 00:17:03,477
one question.
392
00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:05,863
(gasps)
393
00:17:05,865 --> 00:17:09,416
What's it gonna take to get you
into my life today?
394
00:17:10,468 --> 00:17:12,436
Oh, my God,
look at the size of that rock.
395
00:17:12,438 --> 00:17:15,689
Dude, you can't buy her love
with a diamond ring.
396
00:17:15,691 --> 00:17:17,441
But wait, there's more.
397
00:17:19,611 --> 00:17:23,764
My manager's gonna kill me,
but if you say yes right now...
398
00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:29,286
...I will throw in a 2012
powder blue Mercedes SL
399
00:17:29,288 --> 00:17:31,872
I just bought
at a police auction.
400
00:17:33,541 --> 00:17:35,442
I don't know what to do.
401
00:17:35,444 --> 00:17:38,779
ALAN and TAMMY:
Take the car!
402
00:17:38,781 --> 00:17:39,880
Dad!
403
00:17:39,882 --> 00:17:41,782
It's a Mercedes.
404
00:17:42,917 --> 00:17:44,385
We got a deal, Ashley?
405
00:17:44,387 --> 00:17:46,553
Sold!
406
00:17:46,555 --> 00:17:49,256
OTHERS:
Aw...
407
00:17:49,258 --> 00:17:51,508
Ew!
408
00:17:51,510 --> 00:17:54,127
I love these people.
409
00:17:54,129 --> 00:17:56,430
♪ Men. ♪
410
00:18:05,095 --> 00:18:06,896
(knocking, door opens)
411
00:18:06,898 --> 00:18:08,548
Jake?
412
00:18:11,018 --> 00:18:12,718
Doing okay?
413
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,320
I guess.
414
00:18:14,322 --> 00:18:17,039
I really screwed things up
this time, didn't I?
415
00:18:17,041 --> 00:18:18,724
Well...
416
00:18:18,726 --> 00:18:21,727
you certainly screwed
everything you could.
417
00:18:21,729 --> 00:18:23,763
I mean, I had
such a good thing going--
418
00:18:23,765 --> 00:18:25,932
first with Tammy
and then Ashley---
419
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:28,301
and now I'm all alone.
420
00:18:28,303 --> 00:18:30,236
That's because you're a Harper.
421
00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:31,654
It's what we do.
422
00:18:31,656 --> 00:18:34,907
We take something good
and turn it into nothing.
423
00:18:35,776 --> 00:18:37,643
I don't like being a Harper.
424
00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:39,562
Nobody does, son.
425
00:18:39,564 --> 00:18:41,730
Nobody does.
426
00:18:47,704 --> 00:18:49,338
What a day, huh?
427
00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:50,873
Yeah.
428
00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:52,458
Sorry about all the trouble.
429
00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:54,110
Oh. You kidding me?
430
00:18:54,112 --> 00:18:56,462
Jerry sold me an Escalade
at dealer cost.
431
00:18:56,464 --> 00:18:59,382
Oh, honey, you didn't
fall for that, did you?
432
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:03,185
He really is the king,
isn't he?
433
00:19:04,021 --> 00:19:06,439
And my daughter gets
to be the queen.
434
00:19:06,441 --> 00:19:09,308
It's a white trash fairy tale.
435
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,277
Hey. Let's talk
about something happier.
436
00:19:11,279 --> 00:19:13,362
Remember when Alan
got punched in the face?
437
00:19:13,364 --> 00:19:16,599
(laughing):
Yeah. That was awesome.
438
00:19:17,784 --> 00:19:20,119
Mmm. (chuckles)
(sighs)
439
00:19:20,121 --> 00:19:22,538
You know, the older I get,
440
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:25,291
the less I understand
about relationships.
441
00:19:25,293 --> 00:19:27,577
Me, too. I'm like a blind man
442
00:19:27,579 --> 00:19:30,062
trying to get out
of a doorknob factory.
443
00:19:30,064 --> 00:19:32,798
I mean, how is
that possible?
444
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,668
I mean, you're handsome
and smart and charming...
445
00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:37,620
You're embarrassing me.
446
00:19:37,622 --> 00:19:39,672
Go on.
447
00:19:39,674 --> 00:19:41,641
I mean, you got
the whole package.
448
00:19:41,643 --> 00:19:43,342
Well, you do, too.
449
00:19:43,344 --> 00:19:45,611
I mean, you're beautiful,
you're independent,
450
00:19:45,613 --> 00:19:47,096
you're intelligent...
451
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:48,397
Oh, stop.
452
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:52,902
Well, don't
actually stop.
453
00:19:52,904 --> 00:19:54,937
You're funny.
454
00:19:56,506 --> 00:19:57,506
You're...
455
00:19:58,775 --> 00:20:02,478
...really, really
beautiful.
456
00:20:12,155 --> 00:20:14,123
Okay, that probably
wasn't a good idea.
457
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:16,325
Definitely not.
458
00:20:19,858 --> 00:20:21,692
Berta's gonna love this.
459
00:20:21,694 --> 00:20:26,694
== sync, corrected by elderman ==