00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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00:00:01,457 --> 00:00:02,907
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,232 --> 00:00:04,432
Sorry I'm late.
3
00:00:04,434 --> 00:00:06,067
I've been waiting here
for over an hour.
4
00:00:06,069 --> 00:00:07,652
I had to pee
in that bush.
5
00:00:08,554 --> 00:00:10,555
I shudder to think
what you used to wipe.
6
00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:12,991
Well, did you knock on the door
7
00:00:12,993 --> 00:00:14,492
to see if Walden and Berta
were home?
8
00:00:14,494 --> 00:00:16,995
Yeah, they invited me in,
but I said I'd rather pee
9
00:00:16,997 --> 00:00:19,747
on my feet while an azalea
tickled my crack.
10
00:00:19,749 --> 00:00:21,833
Okay, actually, it's, uh,
it's an oleander.
11
00:00:22,952 --> 00:00:25,569
That's probably not the salient
part of your story.
12
00:00:27,923 --> 00:00:30,074
You know, none of this would
have happened if I had a key.
13
00:00:30,076 --> 00:00:31,542
Uh, come on.
We've been over this.
14
00:00:31,544 --> 00:00:33,411
I just, I feel like I'm
overstepping my boundaries
15
00:00:33,413 --> 00:00:36,047
with Walden by asking
if my girlfriend can have a key.
16
00:00:36,049 --> 00:00:38,600
Well, I feel like an
unwelcome guest in this house.
17
00:00:38,602 --> 00:00:41,552
I'm an unwelcome guest
in this house.
18
00:00:41,554 --> 00:00:43,054
I don't think
you're taking me seriously.
19
00:00:43,056 --> 00:00:45,857
Isn't it enough that
you have the key to my heart?
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00:00:45,859 --> 00:00:47,758
Oh, bite me.
21
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,143
Okay, I get it. I get it.
22
00:00:49,145 --> 00:00:51,029
You're upset,
and you have every right to be.
23
00:00:51,031 --> 00:00:52,814
But why don't we just,
you know, take a deep breath,
24
00:00:52,816 --> 00:00:53,948
maybe open a bottle of wine,
25
00:00:53,950 --> 00:00:55,433
uh, take a bath,
26
00:00:55,435 --> 00:00:56,651
light some candles.
27
00:00:56,653 --> 00:00:57,902
Do you actually believe
28
00:00:57,904 --> 00:00:59,153
I'm going to have sex with you
tonight?
29
00:00:59,155 --> 00:01:01,372
I can't believe you ever
have sex with me.
30
00:01:02,141 --> 00:01:03,625
But you're here now.
You look lovely.
31
00:01:03,627 --> 00:01:04,942
You have an empty bladder,
so why not?
32
00:01:04,944 --> 00:01:07,078
You know what?
Keep the key.
33
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,664
Ah, Lyndsey, come on.
34
00:01:09,666 --> 00:01:11,082
Don't be like this.
35
00:01:11,084 --> 00:01:16,254
What, you're just going to mark
your territory and leave?
36
00:01:23,295 --> 00:01:24,646
Son of a bitch.
37
00:01:24,648 --> 00:01:28,266
Bet you wish you gave me
that key now.
38
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♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh.
39
00:01:35,009 --> 00:01:39,009
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x14 ♪
Run Steven Staven! Run!
Original Air Date on January 31, 2013
40
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
41
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Ah...
42
00:01:49,134 --> 00:01:51,736
Ah...
43
00:01:51,738 --> 00:01:54,338
You're going to keep doing that
until I ask you what's wrong,
44
00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:55,940
aren't you?
45
00:01:55,942 --> 00:01:57,241
What's wrong?
46
00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,827
Kate updated
her Facebook status.
47
00:02:00,879 --> 00:02:02,263
Still no mention of me.
48
00:02:02,265 --> 00:02:04,615
Let it go.
49
00:02:04,617 --> 00:02:06,584
She's eating a bagel.
50
00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:08,452
We used to eat bagels.
51
00:02:08,454 --> 00:02:09,987
Here.
52
00:02:09,989 --> 00:02:12,423
Now you're eating bagels
together.
53
00:02:12,425 --> 00:02:14,542
I miss her.
54
00:02:14,544 --> 00:02:15,626
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
55
00:02:15,628 --> 00:02:18,129
I miss waking up
next to Burt Reynolds.
56
00:02:20,382 --> 00:02:21,665
What, it happened.
57
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,687
Morning.
Morning.
58
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,190
Where-where's Lyndsey?
59
00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,725
I thought she was spending
the night.
60
00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:31,943
Me, too.
61
00:02:31,945 --> 00:02:33,694
But then she decided I suck.
62
00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:34,979
Why?
63
00:02:34,981 --> 00:02:37,949
Did it take her so long
to figure that out?
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00:02:37,951 --> 00:02:40,201
I don't know what happened.
65
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:41,685
It just came out of nowhere.
66
00:02:41,687 --> 00:02:43,621
It always does.
67
00:02:43,623 --> 00:02:46,457
You know who knew relationships?
Your brother.
68
00:02:46,459 --> 00:02:49,493
Oh, please, his
lasted an hour at a time.
69
00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:52,363
An hour and a half
if he was drunk.
70
00:02:52,365 --> 00:02:53,414
Exactly.
71
00:02:53,416 --> 00:02:56,000
He treated women
like rental cars.
72
00:02:56,002 --> 00:02:57,668
You pay for them
when you need them,
73
00:02:57,670 --> 00:02:58,886
and it's someone else's job
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00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:02,056
to empty out the trunk
and hose them down.
75
00:03:03,842 --> 00:03:06,060
Well, I'm not paying for sex.
76
00:03:06,062 --> 00:03:07,345
And he can't afford to.
77
00:03:07,347 --> 00:03:09,713
I don't need a hooker.
I have Lyndsey.
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00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:15,069
You should lead with that
when you apologize to her.
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00:03:15,071 --> 00:03:16,487
Oh, we will be fine.
80
00:03:16,489 --> 00:03:18,889
This whole thing will blow over
and be gone by tomorrow morning.
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00:03:18,891 --> 00:03:20,858
So would the hooker.
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00:03:22,861 --> 00:03:24,378
♪ Men. ♪
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Hey.
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00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:29,283
Well, well, well,
85
00:03:29,285 --> 00:03:32,403
look who finally decided to
grace us with his presence.
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00:03:32,405 --> 00:03:34,738
I needed some time.
87
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,007
Kate and I split up.
88
00:03:36,009 --> 00:03:38,175
One second.
Another woman left you?
89
00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:39,076
She moved to New York.
90
00:03:40,463 --> 00:03:43,547
They're crossing state lines
to get away from you now.
91
00:03:43,549 --> 00:03:45,016
Yeah, yeah...
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00:03:45,018 --> 00:03:46,434
I'm a loser.
93
00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:47,718
I'm alone.
94
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,137
And meanwhile,
you're having wild, crazy sex
95
00:03:50,139 --> 00:03:52,690
with my ex-wife
like I could never imagine.
96
00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:54,442
Oh, you don't have
to imagine it.
97
00:03:54,444 --> 00:03:56,811
Look, let me-let me paint you
a word picture.
98
00:03:56,813 --> 00:03:58,762
Uh, the candles were flickering;
99
00:03:58,764 --> 00:04:00,114
the music was playing;
100
00:04:00,116 --> 00:04:04,568
and she rode me like I was
a giant, pink pogo stick.
101
00:04:04,570 --> 00:04:07,421
You're not a giant anything.
102
00:04:07,423 --> 00:04:08,572
That's funny.
103
00:04:08,574 --> 00:04:09,824
You know what else is funny?
104
00:04:09,826 --> 00:04:12,076
You're alone.
105
00:04:12,078 --> 00:04:13,444
Okay, I get it.
106
00:04:13,446 --> 00:04:14,611
It's a joke.
107
00:04:14,613 --> 00:04:16,414
Women always leave me.
108
00:04:16,416 --> 00:04:17,498
I get it.
109
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:18,916
Well, you know what?
It still hurts.
110
00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:21,168
Not that I expect you
to understand how it feels
111
00:04:21,170 --> 00:04:23,254
to have your heart broken
by someone you love
112
00:04:23,256 --> 00:04:26,507
because that would actually
require you having a heart.
113
00:04:26,509 --> 00:04:28,792
Do you even know how it feels...
She dumped me.
114
00:04:28,794 --> 00:04:30,761
What?
115
00:04:30,763 --> 00:04:32,480
Bridget left me.
116
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,483
Are you serious?
117
00:04:35,485 --> 00:04:40,104
She-She said I was
inconsiderate, condescending,
118
00:04:40,106 --> 00:04:44,641
and that I look like
a lesbian art teacher.
119
00:04:46,128 --> 00:04:49,230
I-I don't know what to say.
120
00:04:49,232 --> 00:04:51,832
Other than you do look
like a lesbian art teacher.
121
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,651
I'm glad that my pain
can make you happy.
122
00:04:54,653 --> 00:04:56,653
Oh, wait, you have no idea.
123
00:04:56,655 --> 00:04:58,822
Let me paint you a word picture.
124
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:00,991
Flowers are blooming.
125
00:05:00,993 --> 00:05:02,159
Birds are singing.
126
00:05:02,161 --> 00:05:04,462
Angels are farting rainbows.
127
00:05:04,464 --> 00:05:05,880
That's not funny, all right?
128
00:05:05,882 --> 00:05:08,165
My-my life is
falling apart.
129
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:10,851
Come on.
I'm just giving you a hard time.
130
00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,603
I'm sorry.
131
00:05:12,605 --> 00:05:13,604
It's gonna be okay.
132
00:05:13,606 --> 00:05:14,889
No, it's not.
I loved her.
133
00:05:14,891 --> 00:05:16,524
I know. I did, too.
134
00:05:16,526 --> 00:05:19,777
And then I realized
she's the broken one.
135
00:05:19,779 --> 00:05:21,145
You think so?
136
00:05:21,147 --> 00:05:23,013
Yeah, of course.
I... she dumped me
137
00:05:23,015 --> 00:05:24,448
- to be with you.
- I mean...
138
00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:25,649
Hey, that...
139
00:05:25,651 --> 00:05:27,568
Shh, it gets better.
140
00:05:30,906 --> 00:05:34,275
Here ya go.
141
00:05:34,277 --> 00:05:35,960
We got chicken
and star soup
142
00:05:35,962 --> 00:05:38,162
and grilled cheese sandwich
with the crust cut off.
143
00:05:38,164 --> 00:05:40,047
I-I got dumped by my girlfriend,
144
00:05:40,049 --> 00:05:42,633
not pushed off the monkey bars
at recess.
145
00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:48,705
And that's why I put whiskey
in your sippy cup.
146
00:05:48,707 --> 00:05:49,824
What's going on?
147
00:05:49,826 --> 00:05:51,809
Oh, Billy got dumped
by Bridget.
148
00:05:51,811 --> 00:05:53,811
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
149
00:05:53,813 --> 00:05:55,729
Me and my girlfriend
are going through
150
00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,148
a bit of a rough patch
ourselves.
151
00:05:57,150 --> 00:06:00,267
So, she sewed you up in your
sheets while you were sleeping
152
00:06:00,269 --> 00:06:01,936
and started beating you
with a broom?
153
00:06:01,938 --> 00:06:03,521
Uh, no.
154
00:06:03,523 --> 00:06:05,356
Then it's not a rough patch.
155
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:10,494
What is it that makes
relationships so difficult?
156
00:06:10,496 --> 00:06:11,579
Women.
Women.
157
00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:12,813
Exactly.
158
00:06:12,815 --> 00:06:14,915
I mean, when was the last time
you were dating someone
159
00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:19,036
and you decided to ask "Where is
this relationship going?"
160
00:06:19,038 --> 00:06:21,205
Or "Are you mad at me?"
161
00:06:21,207 --> 00:06:24,124
Yeah, or "What's all this
glittery, sparkly stuff
162
00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:25,909
on your pants?"
163
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,880
Guys ask questions
that you can answer.
164
00:06:29,882 --> 00:06:32,132
Like, "How are we fixed
for ham? "
165
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,019
Why is my beer empty?
166
00:06:35,021 --> 00:06:37,754
God, I hate it when
Lyndsey asks me that.
167
00:06:39,424 --> 00:06:41,108
Oh, I'm sorry.
168
00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:43,360
Wait, were we doing guys'
or girls' questions?
169
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,779
Yeah, on the other hand,
there's no better feeling
170
00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,098
than when you're in a loving,
happy relationship.
171
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:53,204
The sweet release of black tar
heroin's a close second.
172
00:06:53,206 --> 00:06:55,322
Well, the good news is
neither one of you guys
173
00:06:55,324 --> 00:06:56,773
are going to be single for long.
174
00:06:56,775 --> 00:06:58,125
I mean, you got looks and money.
175
00:06:58,127 --> 00:06:59,126
Thank you, Alan.
176
00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,211
And you've got...
177
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,414
money.
178
00:07:03,416 --> 00:07:04,748
That's true.
179
00:07:04,750 --> 00:07:06,884
Yeah, and what about you?
You got...
180
00:07:08,286 --> 00:07:11,589
most of your hair...
181
00:07:11,591 --> 00:07:13,224
both eyes.
182
00:07:14,926 --> 00:07:18,979
Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, no,
you've got a...
183
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,565
You've got...
184
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,133
To go apologize
to my girlfriend.
185
00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:24,401
Exactly.
186
00:07:26,354 --> 00:07:28,789
By the way, how are
we fixed for ham?
187
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:32,860
♪ Men.
188
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,480
Alan.
Wow.
189
00:07:36,482 --> 00:07:39,116
Oh, uh, hey-hey, Lyndsey.
190
00:07:39,118 --> 00:07:40,334
What are you doing here?
191
00:07:40,336 --> 00:07:41,985
Well, I've left you a few
messages since yesterday.
192
00:07:41,987 --> 00:07:43,120
I don't know if you got them.
193
00:07:43,122 --> 00:07:44,672
I did.
194
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,675
Oh, o-okay.
195
00:07:47,677 --> 00:07:49,660
Well, you look nice.
196
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,796
Did someone die?
197
00:07:52,798 --> 00:07:54,665
I'm going out.
198
00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:56,166
Ooh, girls' night out?
199
00:07:56,168 --> 00:07:57,167
No.
200
00:07:57,169 --> 00:07:59,186
Oh.
201
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,673
Did someone die?
202
00:08:02,675 --> 00:08:05,726
I have a date with Dr. Staven.
203
00:08:05,728 --> 00:08:08,178
Wait, Dr. Staven,
your-your gynecologist?
204
00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:09,446
That's right.
205
00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:10,681
Is-is this about
the other night?
206
00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:12,015
Because I said I was sorry.
207
00:08:12,017 --> 00:08:13,617
Look, if it'll make you
feel better,
208
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:15,686
you can lock me out
and I'll pee in your bush.
209
00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:19,373
Okay, that came out much worse
than I meant it.
210
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,625
Okay, I have to get going.
211
00:08:21,627 --> 00:08:22,876
Are you mad at me?
212
00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:26,380
No, we just have different ideas
213
00:08:26,382 --> 00:08:27,748
of what a relationship
should be.
214
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:29,883
Well, then let's just sit down
and talk about it.
215
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,502
Nothing to talk about.
216
00:08:31,504 --> 00:08:33,170
Oh, yeah, right.
Like a woman is ever done...
217
00:08:33,172 --> 00:08:35,339
She's mad at me.
218
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,558
They're hot when
they're angry,
219
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,676
aren't they?
220
00:08:38,678 --> 00:08:39,677
Oh, Herb.
221
00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:41,145
Geez, you scared me.
222
00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:42,429
Little trouble in paradise?
223
00:08:42,431 --> 00:08:44,815
Oh, yeah, you know,
relationships...
224
00:08:44,817 --> 00:08:46,383
Hey, want to come
across the street
225
00:08:46,385 --> 00:08:47,851
for a beer and talk about it?
226
00:08:47,853 --> 00:08:49,653
Oh, sure. Thanks.
227
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,855
So, uh, what are you
doing over here anyway?
228
00:08:51,857 --> 00:08:54,274
Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's
coming out for her 6:15 jog.
229
00:08:54,276 --> 00:08:56,226
Oh, you jog with her?
No.
230
00:08:56,228 --> 00:08:57,561
♪ Men. ♪
231
00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:58,912
Oh, you know,
I don't think
232
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,914
Judith is going to be
too happy to see me.
233
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,366
Oh, don't worry.
She's gone.
234
00:09:07,122 --> 00:09:08,872
Okay, when you say "gone""
235
00:09:08,874 --> 00:09:10,791
do you mean she's traveling,
236
00:09:10,793 --> 00:09:12,676
or is her head in that cooler?
237
00:09:14,462 --> 00:09:16,597
She left me, Al.
238
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:18,248
Oh, my God, what happened?
239
00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:21,352
Yeah, I had a moment of weakness
with my receptionist.
240
00:09:21,354 --> 00:09:24,888
Actually, 36 and a half
moments of weakness.
241
00:09:24,890 --> 00:09:26,106
Uh, a half?
242
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,425
Judith walked in during 37.
243
00:09:28,427 --> 00:09:31,278
Herb, how could you?
244
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,115
This is my receptionist.
245
00:09:36,484 --> 00:09:39,436
I would have finished 37
while she was watching.
246
00:09:39,438 --> 00:09:41,755
♪ Men.
247
00:09:52,489 --> 00:09:54,106
Hey, man, thanks
for inviting me over.
248
00:09:54,108 --> 00:09:54,942
I really appreciate it.
249
00:09:54,943 --> 00:09:57,476
Ah, come on, you'd do
the same thing for me.
250
00:09:57,478 --> 00:09:58,995
We both know
that's not true,
251
00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:00,663
but it's sweet
of you to say.
252
00:10:01,488 --> 00:10:03,755
And besides, breakups
are like a bruise,
253
00:10:03,757 --> 00:10:04,923
and I want to be there
254
00:10:04,925 --> 00:10:07,625
when yours turns
from dark purple to yellow.
255
00:10:07,627 --> 00:10:11,079
That is the meanest thing
you've ever said.
256
00:10:11,081 --> 00:10:14,549
Kudos.
257
00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:16,617
Okay, here's
a question:
258
00:10:16,619 --> 00:10:19,170
who's your
dream schtupp?
259
00:10:19,172 --> 00:10:20,588
What?
260
00:10:20,590 --> 00:10:23,475
Any woman in the world, one
night, who's it going to be?
261
00:10:23,477 --> 00:10:25,226
Oh, that's easy: Kate.
262
00:10:25,228 --> 00:10:26,428
Oh, see, right there.
263
00:10:26,430 --> 00:10:27,846
That's why I wouldn't
have you over.
264
00:10:27,848 --> 00:10:29,464
Who picks their
ex-girlfriend?
265
00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:32,934
I mean, I'm talking
any woman in the world.
266
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:33,985
Okay, dead or alive?
267
00:10:33,987 --> 00:10:35,603
It doesn't matter.
268
00:10:35,605 --> 00:10:37,655
Do I have to know her?
Nope.
269
00:10:37,657 --> 00:10:38,973
What if she
doesn't like me?
270
00:10:38,975 --> 00:10:40,641
I... for the
love of God.
271
00:10:40,643 --> 00:10:42,694
In the game
she has to like you.
272
00:10:42,696 --> 00:10:44,312
Okay.
273
00:10:44,314 --> 00:10:45,497
Can she be animated?
274
00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:47,648
Like a-like a cartoon?
275
00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:49,817
What? You want to be chomped
by Ms. Pacman?
276
00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:52,087
No, but I always had
these weird feelings
277
00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:54,489
when I used to see
Bugs Bunny in drag.
278
00:10:54,491 --> 00:10:56,925
Fine, she can
be animated.
279
00:10:56,927 --> 00:10:58,009
Her place or mine?
280
00:10:58,011 --> 00:10:59,377
Who cares?
281
00:10:59,379 --> 00:11:00,762
I do.
282
00:11:00,764 --> 00:11:02,497
It's hard for me to relax
in strange surroundings.
283
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:03,831
Okay, you know what?
Just forget it.
284
00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:05,233
But-but I didn't
pick a girl.
285
00:11:05,235 --> 00:11:08,186
Just shut up.
You ruin everything.
286
00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:10,105
Mother Teresa.
287
00:11:10,107 --> 00:11:12,273
What?!
288
00:11:12,275 --> 00:11:14,642
That woman gave her whole life
289
00:11:14,644 --> 00:11:16,677
for the benefit of mankind.
290
00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:19,680
And one man should give her
a little something back.
291
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,450
Hey, guys.
292
00:11:22,452 --> 00:11:24,185
Oh, hey. Hi.
Hey!
293
00:11:24,187 --> 00:11:29,290
Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller
than I would have thought.
294
00:11:29,292 --> 00:11:31,793
Herb, uh, you remember Walden.
This is Billy.
295
00:11:31,795 --> 00:11:33,161
Oh. Hello, Billy.
296
00:11:33,163 --> 00:11:35,580
Alan tells me you got, uh,
dumped by Walden's ex-wife.
297
00:11:36,632 --> 00:11:38,699
Yeah. I got dumped
by Alan's ex-wife.
298
00:11:39,702 --> 00:11:41,569
I guess
that makes us dump brothers.
299
00:11:41,571 --> 00:11:42,921
That's, uh...
300
00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:44,055
Who is this guy?
301
00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:47,208
You don't recognize
your own dump brother?
302
00:11:47,210 --> 00:11:49,160
Herb is the most recent victim
303
00:11:49,162 --> 00:11:51,679
of Judith's unrelenting assault
on mankind.
304
00:11:51,681 --> 00:11:54,349
Oh, it sounds like just the
kind of horrible ball-breaker
305
00:11:54,351 --> 00:11:55,683
I always end up with.
306
00:11:55,685 --> 00:11:56,851
Mm-hmm.
307
00:11:56,853 --> 00:11:58,653
She available?
308
00:11:58,655 --> 00:12:00,572
Not emotionally.
309
00:12:00,574 --> 00:12:02,657
And she's only physically
available twice a year.
310
00:12:02,659 --> 00:12:05,276
Twice?
Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day.
311
00:12:05,278 --> 00:12:06,611
Oh, that explains it.
312
00:12:06,613 --> 00:12:09,581
My birthday's
on Valentine's Day.
313
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:12,367
I thought you were going
to see Lyndsey.
314
00:12:12,369 --> 00:12:15,236
I did... right as she was
going out on a date.
315
00:12:15,238 --> 00:12:16,621
Yikes.
Gut-punch.
316
00:12:16,623 --> 00:12:18,339
With her gynecologist.
317
00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:20,258
Shut up!
318
00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:21,409
What?
319
00:12:21,411 --> 00:12:23,411
That man is a trained
vagina handler.
320
00:12:23,413 --> 00:12:25,096
You do not want
him down there.
321
00:12:25,098 --> 00:12:27,265
He-He's already been down there.
322
00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,533
Yeah, on business.
323
00:12:28,535 --> 00:12:31,269
You don't want him to return
on a pleasure cruise.
324
00:12:31,271 --> 00:12:32,804
I mean, I mean,
325
00:12:32,806 --> 00:12:34,139
he could take apart
326
00:12:34,141 --> 00:12:36,141
and reassemble her undercarriage
blindfolded.
327
00:12:36,143 --> 00:12:37,559
You're more like a guy trying
328
00:12:37,561 --> 00:12:39,460
to put a bookshelf
together from IKEA.
329
00:12:39,462 --> 00:12:41,863
Well, you know what?
I don't care. I don't need her.
330
00:12:41,865 --> 00:12:43,598
That's a good attitude.
Mm-hmm.
331
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,732
Exactly. Who needs women?
332
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,151
Not me.
Me, neither. Uh-uh.
333
00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,705
Know what we should do?
334
00:12:50,707 --> 00:12:52,113
Go to a bar and pick
up some women?
335
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:53,699
Yup.
336
00:12:56,912 --> 00:12:59,047
All right, this is not gonna be
that hard.
337
00:12:59,049 --> 00:13:01,249
I mean, look at us.
We've got a doctor,
338
00:13:01,251 --> 00:13:03,084
a billionaire,
another billionaire.
339
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:05,053
Billionaire's
permanent houseguest.
340
00:13:05,055 --> 00:13:07,121
Ooh, he said I'm permanent.
341
00:13:08,174 --> 00:13:10,925
Check out the talent
at three o'clock.
342
00:13:10,927 --> 00:13:12,093
Oh.
343
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:13,645
Oh, oh, oh.
344
00:13:13,647 --> 00:13:16,231
Hotsy-totsy!
345
00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,965
Oh, I got dibs on the blonde.
346
00:13:17,967 --> 00:13:19,984
Oh, who's taking the manly one?
What manly one?
347
00:13:19,986 --> 00:13:22,187
Herb's got the one
with the Adam's apple.
348
00:13:23,572 --> 00:13:25,490
Okay, what are we gonna do
here, guys?
349
00:13:25,492 --> 00:13:26,941
You know, uh, what's the plan?
350
00:13:26,943 --> 00:13:28,276
I mean, uh, teams of two,
351
00:13:28,278 --> 00:13:30,161
every man for himself,
uh, shock and awe?
352
00:13:30,163 --> 00:13:32,413
Or we just send in
the tall, handsome guy
353
00:13:32,415 --> 00:13:33,748
with the big johnson.
354
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:35,200
I'll see what I can do.
355
00:13:35,202 --> 00:13:37,818
Oh, not you.
Pretty boy here.
356
00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:40,371
Well, I am more
than just a pretty face.
357
00:13:40,373 --> 00:13:43,174
Come on, man. You can be
like the-the great white shark,
358
00:13:43,176 --> 00:13:45,093
and we'll be
the plucky little pilot fish
359
00:13:45,095 --> 00:13:47,212
who swim alongside you
and feed off your scraps.
360
00:13:47,214 --> 00:13:50,381
Why do I have to be cursed
with all of this?
361
00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:52,517
Back off.
362
00:13:52,519 --> 00:13:54,419
I will seal the deal.
363
00:13:56,021 --> 00:13:57,522
I've seen this movie before.
364
00:13:57,524 --> 00:14:00,058
You're going to enjoy it.
365
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,919
Hi. I hate to interrupt,
366
00:14:02,921 --> 00:14:05,271
so I'm just gonna cut
right to the chase.
367
00:14:05,273 --> 00:14:08,525
I'm neither tall, nor handsome,
but I'm incredibly rich.
368
00:14:08,527 --> 00:14:11,945
So which of you
would like the honor
369
00:14:11,947 --> 00:14:16,533
of sleeping with me
for... $5,000?
370
00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:21,905
I apologize.
371
00:14:21,907 --> 00:14:24,073
Ten thousand.
372
00:14:35,669 --> 00:14:37,670
Gentlemen,
373
00:14:37,672 --> 00:14:40,640
the bar has been lowered.
374
00:14:43,460 --> 00:14:45,461
This is a great idea, Herb.
375
00:14:45,463 --> 00:14:48,064
Yeah, but we shouldn't
call him Herb.
376
00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:49,632
We should call him Erb.
377
00:14:51,469 --> 00:14:52,919
Well, as a doctor,
378
00:14:52,921 --> 00:14:55,905
I have access to some
pretty righteous chronic.
379
00:14:55,907 --> 00:14:57,190
You're a pediatrician.
380
00:14:57,192 --> 00:14:58,741
I prescribe it to the parents.
381
00:14:58,743 --> 00:15:00,326
Hmm.
382
00:15:00,328 --> 00:15:01,477
This would be way better
383
00:15:01,479 --> 00:15:03,162
if there were four
hot women in here.
384
00:15:03,164 --> 00:15:05,147
Yeah, and none of you.
385
00:15:05,149 --> 00:15:07,917
Please, the only way
you could satisfy four women
386
00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:09,619
is if they were cannibals.
387
00:15:09,621 --> 00:15:11,454
Okay.
388
00:15:11,456 --> 00:15:13,339
Yeah. Look,
I will have you know,
389
00:15:13,341 --> 00:15:15,508
I have no trouble satisfying
multiple women.
390
00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:17,544
In fact,
that's kind of the reason
391
00:15:17,546 --> 00:15:20,096
I ended in this big bowl
of sausage soup.
392
00:15:20,098 --> 00:15:21,831
What do you mean?
393
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:25,835
Bridget and I would enjoy
the occasional threesome.
394
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:29,105
And by "occasional,"
I mean every Friday, Saturday,
395
00:15:29,107 --> 00:15:30,390
and Sunday night.
396
00:15:30,392 --> 00:15:32,942
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bridget, like, my Bridget?
397
00:15:32,944 --> 00:15:35,177
Yup. She was a weekend warrior.
398
00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:38,698
Wow. The closest we ever
came to a threesome
399
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:42,235
was one time we dog-sat, and I
left the bedroom door open.
400
00:15:42,237 --> 00:15:43,987
Me and that beagle
made eye contact
401
00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:46,623
at the most inopportune moment.
402
00:15:46,625 --> 00:15:48,541
Oh, my God.
403
00:15:48,543 --> 00:15:50,810
Well, hey, hey, hey--
one word of advice.
404
00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:53,296
Do not look up
from the lap of a girl
405
00:15:53,298 --> 00:15:56,165
you just picked up at Safeway
and say to your girlfriend,
406
00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:59,252
"My God, I never
want this to end!"
407
00:16:00,421 --> 00:16:02,171
Aah, threesomes never work out.
408
00:16:02,173 --> 00:16:03,840
Somebody always feels left out.
409
00:16:03,842 --> 00:16:06,809
That's why my receptionist and I
got another couple and swing.
410
00:16:06,811 --> 00:16:09,929
Ooh! Stringbean's a freak.
I like it.
411
00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:12,315
Yeah, if you and, uh,
Bridget ever get back together,
412
00:16:12,317 --> 00:16:15,051
maybe she'd like
to become a Herbivore.
413
00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,571
I will keep that in mind.
414
00:16:19,356 --> 00:16:20,890
Okay, so I lied
415
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:23,443
to the woman I love
about who I am.
416
00:16:23,445 --> 00:16:24,727
Herb cheated on his wife.
417
00:16:24,729 --> 00:16:25,995
And Billy spent
too much time
418
00:16:25,997 --> 00:16:27,614
yodeling in
the wrong canyon.
419
00:16:29,033 --> 00:16:31,734
Why did you and Lyndsey
break up?
420
00:16:31,736 --> 00:16:34,504
She wanted a key to the house.
421
00:16:37,591 --> 00:16:38,591
And?
422
00:16:38,593 --> 00:16:41,260
And I said no.
423
00:16:41,262 --> 00:16:42,512
Why?
424
00:16:42,514 --> 00:16:44,047
Well, it's-it's not mine
to give.
425
00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:45,581
It's your house.
426
00:16:45,583 --> 00:16:47,717
Since when does that matter
to you?
427
00:16:47,719 --> 00:16:49,852
Since I don't want my girlfriend
428
00:16:49,854 --> 00:16:52,388
to have unrestricted access
to my house.
429
00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:54,941
And we're back to your house.
430
00:16:54,943 --> 00:16:56,442
I like my space!
431
00:16:56,444 --> 00:16:58,394
I-I want to keep
my options open.
432
00:16:58,396 --> 00:17:01,981
Options? You have op-shun.
433
00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:06,703
Shun. As in,
all other girls shun you.
434
00:17:06,705 --> 00:17:07,954
Look, Alan,
435
00:17:07,956 --> 00:17:09,205
don't be a schmuck.
436
00:17:09,207 --> 00:17:10,990
If you're gonna throw away
your relationship,
437
00:17:10,992 --> 00:17:12,325
do it for a good reason.
438
00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:15,962
Like spending too much time
face down in the checkout girl.
439
00:17:15,964 --> 00:17:17,780
Yeah, or, uh, fooling around
440
00:17:17,782 --> 00:17:19,448
with your hot,
young receptionist
441
00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:22,552
who lets you wear a diaper while
riding her around the office.
442
00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:27,473
Is one example.
443
00:17:27,475 --> 00:17:30,309
Nobody's gonna think about that
next time we see you.
444
00:17:31,645 --> 00:17:33,629
My point is,
you're the only one of us
445
00:17:33,631 --> 00:17:35,515
who has a chance
to get his girl back.
446
00:17:35,517 --> 00:17:37,483
What about all that stuff
about not needing women?
447
00:17:37,485 --> 00:17:40,069
We only said that
because we don't have women.
448
00:17:40,071 --> 00:17:42,605
Really?
Of course. Lyndsey is awesome.
449
00:17:42,607 --> 00:17:44,824
She really is.
She's got the face of an angel,
450
00:17:44,826 --> 00:17:47,076
buttocks you can bounce
a quarter off,
451
00:17:47,078 --> 00:17:49,829
and a bosom that just makes you
wish she was your mother.
452
00:17:52,533 --> 00:17:54,150
But I'm saying she's awesome.
453
00:17:54,152 --> 00:17:57,453
Just give her the key, Alan.
Give her anything she wants.
454
00:17:57,455 --> 00:17:59,372
Well, it's a little late.
She's out with another guy.
455
00:17:59,374 --> 00:18:00,873
Well, no, it's not too late.
456
00:18:00,875 --> 00:18:03,593
Go get her.
Go do it for yourself.
457
00:18:03,595 --> 00:18:05,828
Do it for all of us
who can't get our girl back.
458
00:18:05,830 --> 00:18:07,046
Yeah!
Come on, go get her.
459
00:18:07,048 --> 00:18:08,347
Okay, okay, you're right.
Yeah.
460
00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:09,632
You're right.
I'm gonna do it!
461
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,634
I'm gonna do it for all of us!
There you go.
462
00:18:11,636 --> 00:18:12,769
Oh.
463
00:18:19,727 --> 00:18:22,478
I cannot believe
he is our only hope.
464
00:18:24,531 --> 00:18:26,816
♪ Men. ♪
465
00:18:30,454 --> 00:18:32,371
I don't know
what the problem is.
466
00:18:32,373 --> 00:18:35,408
This is delightful. Oh!
467
00:18:35,410 --> 00:18:36,542
Oh, boy.
468
00:18:36,544 --> 00:18:37,577
Alan?
469
00:18:37,579 --> 00:18:39,412
Oh, Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi. Hi.
470
00:18:39,414 --> 00:18:40,696
I-I just need two minutes.
471
00:18:40,698 --> 00:18:42,165
Were you peeing in my bushes?
472
00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:44,200
What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh...
473
00:18:44,202 --> 00:18:45,384
I'm Alan Harper.
474
00:18:45,386 --> 00:18:46,886
No thanks.
475
00:18:46,888 --> 00:18:48,888
Alan, this is not a good time.
476
00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:50,056
Okay, just-just hear me out,
okay?
477
00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:51,090
Look, she said this
wasn't a good time.
478
00:18:51,092 --> 00:18:52,091
Get him!
479
00:18:52,093 --> 00:18:54,477
Whoa, whoa.
Walden, what are you doing?
480
00:18:54,479 --> 00:18:56,803
You'll thank us later.
What are you doing? Put me down.
481
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,853
- Who are you?
- You look lovely, Lyndsey.
482
00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:01,072
What the hell is going on?
483
00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:02,723
I swear I had nothing
to do with this.
484
00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:04,442
Why did they just take
my date away?
485
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,277
Don't worry. I think
they're just trying to help.
486
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:07,612
Help with what?
487
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:09,997
Okay, I-I know this seems crazy,
488
00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:13,367
but I've been doing
a lot of thinking and... here.
489
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:15,169
What's this?
490
00:19:15,171 --> 00:19:16,554
A key to the house.
491
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,072
I want you to have it.
492
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:19,256
Really?
493
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:20,808
Yes, yes,
you're my girlfriend.
494
00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:23,210
Mi casa es su casa.
495
00:19:23,212 --> 00:19:24,211
Actually,
496
00:19:24,213 --> 00:19:26,180
mi casa es Walden's casa
497
00:19:26,182 --> 00:19:27,581
es su casa.
498
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:30,518
I think I went to high school
with a Sue Casa.
499
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,920
Which is ironic,
because she ended up homeless.
500
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:33,888
Sorry.
501
00:19:33,890 --> 00:19:35,106
Anyway, the point is,
502
00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:37,141
the key is yours.
503
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:39,143
What made you change your mind?
504
00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,594
I love you, Lyndsey.
505
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,064
What really made you
change your mind?
506
00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:45,066
All right, here we go.
507
00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:48,869
The fact that while you could
certainly do better,
508
00:19:48,871 --> 00:19:51,539
there's no way I ever could.
509
00:19:51,541 --> 00:19:54,041
Alan, that is so sweet.
510
00:19:54,043 --> 00:19:56,160
And so true.
511
00:19:57,713 --> 00:19:59,997
So I know Herb and Walden,
512
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,249
but who's the lesbian
in the bathrobe?
513
00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:05,136
♪ Men. ♪
514
00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:12,654
Sorry about kidnapping you.
515
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:13,793
Ah, don't worry about it.
516
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,962
It was never gonna work
with Lyndsey and me.
517
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:18,281
Outside of her vagina,
we have nothing in common.
518
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:19,466
Doctor to doctor,
519
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,084
can I ask you
a medical question?
520
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,836
Is it beautiful?
521
00:20:22,838 --> 00:20:24,137
Herb.
522
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:25,755
Sorry about that,
Dr. Staven.
523
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,891
Oh, please, call me Steven.
524
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,676
Well, Steven Staven?
525
00:20:29,678 --> 00:20:31,895
It's made me
a stronger person.
526
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,098
You know, you wear that robe
better than Judith ever did.
527
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,900
Really? I feel boxy.
528
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,802
No, no.
529
00:20:39,496 --> 00:20:40,762
What was that?
530
00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:44,133
Uh-oh.
531
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:45,767
Oh, crap.
532
00:20:45,769 --> 00:20:46,935
Run, Steven Staven!
533
00:20:46,937 --> 00:20:48,270
Run!
534
00:20:48,272 --> 00:20:49,855
Oh, wait!
535
00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:50,939
Herb's down!
536
00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:52,141
Leave him!
537
00:20:52,143 --> 00:20:53,358
Oh, dear God,
help me!
538
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:55,969
Tell Lyndsey
I love her!
539
00:20:55,971 --> 00:21:00,971
== sync, corrected by elderman ==