00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,457 --> 00:00:02,907 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:03,232 --> 00:00:04,432 Sorry I'm late. 3 00:00:04,434 --> 00:00:06,067 I've been waiting here for over an hour. 4 00:00:06,069 --> 00:00:07,652 I had to pee in that bush. 5 00:00:08,554 --> 00:00:10,555 I shudder to think what you used to wipe. 6 00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:12,991 Well, did you knock on the door 7 00:00:12,993 --> 00:00:14,492 to see if Walden and Berta were home? 8 00:00:14,494 --> 00:00:16,995 Yeah, they invited me in, but I said I'd rather pee 9 00:00:16,997 --> 00:00:19,747 on my feet while an azalea tickled my crack. 10 00:00:19,749 --> 00:00:21,833 Okay, actually, it's, uh, it's an oleander. 11 00:00:22,952 --> 00:00:25,569 That's probably not the salient part of your story. 12 00:00:27,923 --> 00:00:30,074 You know, none of this would have happened if I had a key. 13 00:00:30,076 --> 00:00:31,542 Uh, come on. We've been over this. 14 00:00:31,544 --> 00:00:33,411 I just, I feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries 15 00:00:33,413 --> 00:00:36,047 with Walden by asking if my girlfriend can have a key. 16 00:00:36,049 --> 00:00:38,600 Well, I feel like an unwelcome guest in this house. 17 00:00:38,602 --> 00:00:41,552 I'm an unwelcome guest in this house. 18 00:00:41,554 --> 00:00:43,054 I don't think you're taking me seriously. 19 00:00:43,056 --> 00:00:45,857 Isn't it enough that you have the key to my heart? 20 00:00:45,859 --> 00:00:47,758 Oh, bite me. 21 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,143 Okay, I get it. I get it. 22 00:00:49,145 --> 00:00:51,029 You're upset, and you have every right to be. 23 00:00:51,031 --> 00:00:52,814 But why don't we just, you know, take a deep breath, 24 00:00:52,816 --> 00:00:53,948 maybe open a bottle of wine, 25 00:00:53,950 --> 00:00:55,433 uh, take a bath, 26 00:00:55,435 --> 00:00:56,651 light some candles. 27 00:00:56,653 --> 00:00:57,902 Do you actually believe 28 00:00:57,904 --> 00:00:59,153 I'm going to have sex with you tonight? 29 00:00:59,155 --> 00:01:01,372 I can't believe you ever have sex with me. 30 00:01:02,141 --> 00:01:03,625 But you're here now. You look lovely. 31 00:01:03,627 --> 00:01:04,942 You have an empty bladder, so why not? 32 00:01:04,944 --> 00:01:07,078 You know what? Keep the key. 33 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,664 Ah, Lyndsey, come on. 34 00:01:09,666 --> 00:01:11,082 Don't be like this. 35 00:01:11,084 --> 00:01:16,254 What, you're just going to mark your territory and leave? 36 00:01:23,295 --> 00:01:24,646 Son of a bitch. 37 00:01:24,648 --> 00:01:28,266 Bet you wish you gave me that key now. 38 00:01:28,268 --> 00:01:35,008 ♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh. 39 00:01:35,009 --> 00:01:39,009 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x14 ♪ Run Steven Staven! Run! Original Air Date on January 31, 2013 40 00:01:39,010 --> 00:01:44,010 == sync, corrected by elderman == 41 00:01:44,012 --> 00:01:46,230 Ah... 42 00:01:49,134 --> 00:01:51,736 Ah... 43 00:01:51,738 --> 00:01:54,338 You're going to keep doing that until I ask you what's wrong, 44 00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:55,940 aren't you? 45 00:01:55,942 --> 00:01:57,241 What's wrong? 46 00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,827 Kate updated her Facebook status. 47 00:02:00,879 --> 00:02:02,263 Still no mention of me. 48 00:02:02,265 --> 00:02:04,615 Let it go. 49 00:02:04,617 --> 00:02:06,584 She's eating a bagel. 50 00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:08,452 We used to eat bagels. 51 00:02:08,454 --> 00:02:09,987 Here. 52 00:02:09,989 --> 00:02:12,423 Now you're eating bagels together. 53 00:02:12,425 --> 00:02:14,542 I miss her. 54 00:02:14,544 --> 00:02:15,626 Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. 55 00:02:15,628 --> 00:02:18,129 I miss waking up next to Burt Reynolds. 56 00:02:20,382 --> 00:02:21,665 What, it happened. 57 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,687 Morning. Morning. 58 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,190 Where-where's Lyndsey? 59 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,725 I thought she was spending the night. 60 00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:31,943 Me, too. 61 00:02:31,945 --> 00:02:33,694 But then she decided I suck. 62 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:34,979 Why? 63 00:02:34,981 --> 00:02:37,949 Did it take her so long to figure that out? 64 00:02:37,951 --> 00:02:40,201 I don't know what happened. 65 00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:41,685 It just came out of nowhere. 66 00:02:41,687 --> 00:02:43,621 It always does. 67 00:02:43,623 --> 00:02:46,457 You know who knew relationships? Your brother. 68 00:02:46,459 --> 00:02:49,493 Oh, please, his lasted an hour at a time. 69 00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:52,363 An hour and a half if he was drunk. 70 00:02:52,365 --> 00:02:53,414 Exactly. 71 00:02:53,416 --> 00:02:56,000 He treated women like rental cars. 72 00:02:56,002 --> 00:02:57,668 You pay for them when you need them, 73 00:02:57,670 --> 00:02:58,886 and it's someone else's job 74 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:02,056 to empty out the trunk and hose them down. 75 00:03:03,842 --> 00:03:06,060 Well, I'm not paying for sex. 76 00:03:06,062 --> 00:03:07,345 And he can't afford to. 77 00:03:07,347 --> 00:03:09,713 I don't need a hooker. I have Lyndsey. 78 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:15,069 You should lead with that when you apologize to her. 79 00:03:15,071 --> 00:03:16,487 Oh, we will be fine. 80 00:03:16,489 --> 00:03:18,889 This whole thing will blow over and be gone by tomorrow morning. 81 00:03:18,891 --> 00:03:20,858 So would the hooker. 82 00:03:22,861 --> 00:03:24,378 ♪ Men. ♪ 83 00:03:26,564 --> 00:03:27,915 Hey. 84 00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:29,283 Well, well, well, 85 00:03:29,285 --> 00:03:32,403 look who finally decided to grace us with his presence. 86 00:03:32,405 --> 00:03:34,738 I needed some time. 87 00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,007 Kate and I split up. 88 00:03:36,009 --> 00:03:38,175 One second. Another woman left you? 89 00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:39,076 She moved to New York. 90 00:03:40,463 --> 00:03:43,547 They're crossing state lines to get away from you now. 91 00:03:43,549 --> 00:03:45,016 Yeah, yeah... 92 00:03:45,018 --> 00:03:46,434 I'm a loser. 93 00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:47,718 I'm alone. 94 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,137 And meanwhile, you're having wild, crazy sex 95 00:03:50,139 --> 00:03:52,690 with my ex-wife like I could never imagine. 96 00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:54,442 Oh, you don't have to imagine it. 97 00:03:54,444 --> 00:03:56,811 Look, let me-let me paint you a word picture. 98 00:03:56,813 --> 00:03:58,762 Uh, the candles were flickering; 99 00:03:58,764 --> 00:04:00,114 the music was playing; 100 00:04:00,116 --> 00:04:04,568 and she rode me like I was a giant, pink pogo stick. 101 00:04:04,570 --> 00:04:07,421 You're not a giant anything. 102 00:04:07,423 --> 00:04:08,572 That's funny. 103 00:04:08,574 --> 00:04:09,824 You know what else is funny? 104 00:04:09,826 --> 00:04:12,076 You're alone. 105 00:04:12,078 --> 00:04:13,444 Okay, I get it. 106 00:04:13,446 --> 00:04:14,611 It's a joke. 107 00:04:14,613 --> 00:04:16,414 Women always leave me. 108 00:04:16,416 --> 00:04:17,498 I get it. 109 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:18,916 Well, you know what? It still hurts. 110 00:04:18,918 --> 00:04:21,168 Not that I expect you to understand how it feels 111 00:04:21,170 --> 00:04:23,254 to have your heart broken by someone you love 112 00:04:23,256 --> 00:04:26,507 because that would actually require you having a heart. 113 00:04:26,509 --> 00:04:28,792 Do you even know how it feels... She dumped me. 114 00:04:28,794 --> 00:04:30,761 What? 115 00:04:30,763 --> 00:04:32,480 Bridget left me. 116 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,483 Are you serious? 117 00:04:35,485 --> 00:04:40,104 She-She said I was inconsiderate, condescending, 118 00:04:40,106 --> 00:04:44,641 and that I look like a lesbian art teacher. 119 00:04:46,128 --> 00:04:49,230 I-I don't know what to say. 120 00:04:49,232 --> 00:04:51,832 Other than you do look like a lesbian art teacher. 121 00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:54,651 I'm glad that my pain can make you happy. 122 00:04:54,653 --> 00:04:56,653 Oh, wait, you have no idea. 123 00:04:56,655 --> 00:04:58,822 Let me paint you a word picture. 124 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:00,991 Flowers are blooming. 125 00:05:00,993 --> 00:05:02,159 Birds are singing. 126 00:05:02,161 --> 00:05:04,462 Angels are farting rainbows. 127 00:05:04,464 --> 00:05:05,880 That's not funny, all right? 128 00:05:05,882 --> 00:05:08,165 My-my life is falling apart. 129 00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:10,851 Come on. I'm just giving you a hard time. 130 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,603 I'm sorry. 131 00:05:12,605 --> 00:05:13,604 It's gonna be okay. 132 00:05:13,606 --> 00:05:14,889 No, it's not. I loved her. 133 00:05:14,891 --> 00:05:16,524 I know. I did, too. 134 00:05:16,526 --> 00:05:19,777 And then I realized she's the broken one. 135 00:05:19,779 --> 00:05:21,145 You think so? 136 00:05:21,147 --> 00:05:23,013 Yeah, of course. I... she dumped me 137 00:05:23,015 --> 00:05:24,448 - to be with you. - I mean... 138 00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:25,649 Hey, that... 139 00:05:25,651 --> 00:05:27,568 Shh, it gets better. 140 00:05:30,906 --> 00:05:34,275 Here ya go. 141 00:05:34,277 --> 00:05:35,960 We got chicken and star soup 142 00:05:35,962 --> 00:05:38,162 and grilled cheese sandwich with the crust cut off. 143 00:05:38,164 --> 00:05:40,047 I-I got dumped by my girlfriend, 144 00:05:40,049 --> 00:05:42,633 not pushed off the monkey bars at recess. 145 00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:48,705 And that's why I put whiskey in your sippy cup. 146 00:05:48,707 --> 00:05:49,824 What's going on? 147 00:05:49,826 --> 00:05:51,809 Oh, Billy got dumped by Bridget. 148 00:05:51,811 --> 00:05:53,811 Oh, man, I'm sorry. 149 00:05:53,813 --> 00:05:55,729 Me and my girlfriend are going through 150 00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,148 a bit of a rough patch ourselves. 151 00:05:57,150 --> 00:06:00,267 So, she sewed you up in your sheets while you were sleeping 152 00:06:00,269 --> 00:06:01,936 and started beating you with a broom? 153 00:06:01,938 --> 00:06:03,521 Uh, no. 154 00:06:03,523 --> 00:06:05,356 Then it's not a rough patch. 155 00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:10,494 What is it that makes relationships so difficult? 156 00:06:10,496 --> 00:06:11,579 Women. Women. 157 00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:12,813 Exactly. 158 00:06:12,815 --> 00:06:14,915 I mean, when was the last time you were dating someone 159 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:19,036 and you decided to ask "Where is this relationship going?" 160 00:06:19,038 --> 00:06:21,205 Or "Are you mad at me?" 161 00:06:21,207 --> 00:06:24,124 Yeah, or "What's all this glittery, sparkly stuff 162 00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:25,909 on your pants?" 163 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,880 Guys ask questions that you can answer. 164 00:06:29,882 --> 00:06:32,132 Like, "How are we fixed for ham? " 165 00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,019 Why is my beer empty? 166 00:06:35,021 --> 00:06:37,754 God, I hate it when Lyndsey asks me that. 167 00:06:39,424 --> 00:06:41,108 Oh, I'm sorry. 168 00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:43,360 Wait, were we doing guys' or girls' questions? 169 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,779 Yeah, on the other hand, there's no better feeling 170 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,098 than when you're in a loving, happy relationship. 171 00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:53,204 The sweet release of black tar heroin's a close second. 172 00:06:53,206 --> 00:06:55,322 Well, the good news is neither one of you guys 173 00:06:55,324 --> 00:06:56,773 are going to be single for long. 174 00:06:56,775 --> 00:06:58,125 I mean, you got looks and money. 175 00:06:58,127 --> 00:06:59,126 Thank you, Alan. 176 00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,211 And you've got... 177 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,414 money. 178 00:07:03,416 --> 00:07:04,748 That's true. 179 00:07:04,750 --> 00:07:06,884 Yeah, and what about you? You got... 180 00:07:08,286 --> 00:07:11,589 most of your hair... 181 00:07:11,591 --> 00:07:13,224 both eyes. 182 00:07:14,926 --> 00:07:18,979 Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, no, you've got a... 183 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,565 You've got... 184 00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,133 To go apologize to my girlfriend. 185 00:07:23,135 --> 00:07:24,401 Exactly. 186 00:07:26,354 --> 00:07:28,789 By the way, how are we fixed for ham? 187 00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:32,860 ♪ Men. 188 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,480 Alan. Wow. 189 00:07:36,482 --> 00:07:39,116 Oh, uh, hey-hey, Lyndsey. 190 00:07:39,118 --> 00:07:40,334 What are you doing here? 191 00:07:40,336 --> 00:07:41,985 Well, I've left you a few messages since yesterday. 192 00:07:41,987 --> 00:07:43,120 I don't know if you got them. 193 00:07:43,122 --> 00:07:44,672 I did. 194 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,675 Oh, o-okay. 195 00:07:47,677 --> 00:07:49,660 Well, you look nice. 196 00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,796 Did someone die? 197 00:07:52,798 --> 00:07:54,665 I'm going out. 198 00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:56,166 Ooh, girls' night out? 199 00:07:56,168 --> 00:07:57,167 No. 200 00:07:57,169 --> 00:07:59,186 Oh. 201 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,673 Did someone die? 202 00:08:02,675 --> 00:08:05,726 I have a date with Dr. Staven. 203 00:08:05,728 --> 00:08:08,178 Wait, Dr. Staven, your-your gynecologist? 204 00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:09,446 That's right. 205 00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:10,681 Is-is this about the other night? 206 00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:12,015 Because I said I was sorry. 207 00:08:12,017 --> 00:08:13,617 Look, if it'll make you feel better, 208 00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:15,686 you can lock me out and I'll pee in your bush. 209 00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:19,373 Okay, that came out much worse than I meant it. 210 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,625 Okay, I have to get going. 211 00:08:21,627 --> 00:08:22,876 Are you mad at me? 212 00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:26,380 No, we just have different ideas 213 00:08:26,382 --> 00:08:27,748 of what a relationship should be. 214 00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:29,883 Well, then let's just sit down and talk about it. 215 00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,502 Nothing to talk about. 216 00:08:31,504 --> 00:08:33,170 Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done... 217 00:08:33,172 --> 00:08:35,339 She's mad at me. 218 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:37,558 They're hot when they're angry, 219 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,676 aren't they? 220 00:08:38,678 --> 00:08:39,677 Oh, Herb. 221 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:41,145 Geez, you scared me. 222 00:08:41,147 --> 00:08:42,429 Little trouble in paradise? 223 00:08:42,431 --> 00:08:44,815 Oh, yeah, you know, relationships... 224 00:08:44,817 --> 00:08:46,383 Hey, want to come across the street 225 00:08:46,385 --> 00:08:47,851 for a beer and talk about it? 226 00:08:47,853 --> 00:08:49,653 Oh, sure. Thanks. 227 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,855 So, uh, what are you doing over here anyway? 228 00:08:51,857 --> 00:08:54,274 Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's coming out for her 6:15 jog. 229 00:08:54,276 --> 00:08:56,226 Oh, you jog with her? No. 230 00:08:56,228 --> 00:08:57,561 ♪ Men. ♪ 231 00:08:57,563 --> 00:08:58,912 Oh, you know, I don't think 232 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,914 Judith is going to be too happy to see me. 233 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,366 Oh, don't worry. She's gone. 234 00:09:07,122 --> 00:09:08,872 Okay, when you say "gone"" 235 00:09:08,874 --> 00:09:10,791 do you mean she's traveling, 236 00:09:10,793 --> 00:09:12,676 or is her head in that cooler? 237 00:09:14,462 --> 00:09:16,597 She left me, Al. 238 00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:18,248 Oh, my God, what happened? 239 00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:21,352 Yeah, I had a moment of weakness with my receptionist. 240 00:09:21,354 --> 00:09:24,888 Actually, 36 and a half moments of weakness. 241 00:09:24,890 --> 00:09:26,106 Uh, a half? 242 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,425 Judith walked in during 37. 243 00:09:28,427 --> 00:09:31,278 Herb, how could you? 244 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,115 This is my receptionist. 245 00:09:36,484 --> 00:09:39,436 I would have finished 37 while she was watching. 246 00:09:39,438 --> 00:09:41,755 ♪ Men. 247 00:09:52,489 --> 00:09:54,106 Hey, man, thanks for inviting me over. 248 00:09:54,108 --> 00:09:54,942 I really appreciate it. 249 00:09:54,943 --> 00:09:57,476 Ah, come on, you'd do the same thing for me. 250 00:09:57,478 --> 00:09:58,995 We both know that's not true, 251 00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:00,663 but it's sweet of you to say. 252 00:10:01,488 --> 00:10:03,755 And besides, breakups are like a bruise, 253 00:10:03,757 --> 00:10:04,923 and I want to be there 254 00:10:04,925 --> 00:10:07,625 when yours turns from dark purple to yellow. 255 00:10:07,627 --> 00:10:11,079 That is the meanest thing you've ever said. 256 00:10:11,081 --> 00:10:14,549 Kudos. 257 00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:16,617 Okay, here's a question: 258 00:10:16,619 --> 00:10:19,170 who's your dream schtupp? 259 00:10:19,172 --> 00:10:20,588 What? 260 00:10:20,590 --> 00:10:23,475 Any woman in the world, one night, who's it going to be? 261 00:10:23,477 --> 00:10:25,226 Oh, that's easy: Kate. 262 00:10:25,228 --> 00:10:26,428 Oh, see, right there. 263 00:10:26,430 --> 00:10:27,846 That's why I wouldn't have you over. 264 00:10:27,848 --> 00:10:29,464 Who picks their ex-girlfriend? 265 00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:32,934 I mean, I'm talking any woman in the world. 266 00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:33,985 Okay, dead or alive? 267 00:10:33,987 --> 00:10:35,603 It doesn't matter. 268 00:10:35,605 --> 00:10:37,655 Do I have to know her? Nope. 269 00:10:37,657 --> 00:10:38,973 What if she doesn't like me? 270 00:10:38,975 --> 00:10:40,641 I... for the love of God. 271 00:10:40,643 --> 00:10:42,694 In the game she has to like you. 272 00:10:42,696 --> 00:10:44,312 Okay. 273 00:10:44,314 --> 00:10:45,497 Can she be animated? 274 00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:47,648 Like a-like a cartoon? 275 00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:49,817 What? You want to be chomped by Ms. Pacman? 276 00:10:49,819 --> 00:10:52,087 No, but I always had these weird feelings 277 00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:54,489 when I used to see Bugs Bunny in drag. 278 00:10:54,491 --> 00:10:56,925 Fine, she can be animated. 279 00:10:56,927 --> 00:10:58,009 Her place or mine? 280 00:10:58,011 --> 00:10:59,377 Who cares? 281 00:10:59,379 --> 00:11:00,762 I do. 282 00:11:00,764 --> 00:11:02,497 It's hard for me to relax in strange surroundings. 283 00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:03,831 Okay, you know what? Just forget it. 284 00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:05,233 But-but I didn't pick a girl. 285 00:11:05,235 --> 00:11:08,186 Just shut up. You ruin everything. 286 00:11:08,188 --> 00:11:10,105 Mother Teresa. 287 00:11:10,107 --> 00:11:12,273 What?! 288 00:11:12,275 --> 00:11:14,642 That woman gave her whole life 289 00:11:14,644 --> 00:11:16,677 for the benefit of mankind. 290 00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:19,680 And one man should give her a little something back. 291 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,450 Hey, guys. 292 00:11:22,452 --> 00:11:24,185 Oh, hey. Hi. Hey! 293 00:11:24,187 --> 00:11:29,290 Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller than I would have thought. 294 00:11:29,292 --> 00:11:31,793 Herb, uh, you remember Walden. This is Billy. 295 00:11:31,795 --> 00:11:33,161 Oh. Hello, Billy. 296 00:11:33,163 --> 00:11:35,580 Alan tells me you got, uh, dumped by Walden's ex-wife. 297 00:11:36,632 --> 00:11:38,699 Yeah. I got dumped by Alan's ex-wife. 298 00:11:39,702 --> 00:11:41,569 I guess that makes us dump brothers. 299 00:11:41,571 --> 00:11:42,921 That's, uh... 300 00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:44,055 Who is this guy? 301 00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:47,208 You don't recognize your own dump brother? 302 00:11:47,210 --> 00:11:49,160 Herb is the most recent victim 303 00:11:49,162 --> 00:11:51,679 of Judith's unrelenting assault on mankind. 304 00:11:51,681 --> 00:11:54,349 Oh, it sounds like just the kind of horrible ball-breaker 305 00:11:54,351 --> 00:11:55,683 I always end up with. 306 00:11:55,685 --> 00:11:56,851 Mm-hmm. 307 00:11:56,853 --> 00:11:58,653 She available? 308 00:11:58,655 --> 00:12:00,572 Not emotionally. 309 00:12:00,574 --> 00:12:02,657 And she's only physically available twice a year. 310 00:12:02,659 --> 00:12:05,276 Twice? Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day. 311 00:12:05,278 --> 00:12:06,611 Oh, that explains it. 312 00:12:06,613 --> 00:12:09,581 My birthday's on Valentine's Day. 313 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:12,367 I thought you were going to see Lyndsey. 314 00:12:12,369 --> 00:12:15,236 I did... right as she was going out on a date. 315 00:12:15,238 --> 00:12:16,621 Yikes. Gut-punch. 316 00:12:16,623 --> 00:12:18,339 With her gynecologist. 317 00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:20,258 Shut up! 318 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:21,409 What? 319 00:12:21,411 --> 00:12:23,411 That man is a trained vagina handler. 320 00:12:23,413 --> 00:12:25,096 You do not want him down there. 321 00:12:25,098 --> 00:12:27,265 He-He's already been down there. 322 00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,533 Yeah, on business. 323 00:12:28,535 --> 00:12:31,269 You don't want him to return on a pleasure cruise. 324 00:12:31,271 --> 00:12:32,804 I mean, I mean, 325 00:12:32,806 --> 00:12:34,139 he could take apart 326 00:12:34,141 --> 00:12:36,141 and reassemble her undercarriage blindfolded. 327 00:12:36,143 --> 00:12:37,559 You're more like a guy trying 328 00:12:37,561 --> 00:12:39,460 to put a bookshelf together from IKEA. 329 00:12:39,462 --> 00:12:41,863 Well, you know what? I don't care. I don't need her. 330 00:12:41,865 --> 00:12:43,598 That's a good attitude. Mm-hmm. 331 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,732 Exactly. Who needs women? 332 00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,151 Not me. Me, neither. Uh-uh. 333 00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,705 Know what we should do? 334 00:12:50,707 --> 00:12:52,113 Go to a bar and pick up some women? 335 00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:53,699 Yup. 336 00:12:56,912 --> 00:12:59,047 All right, this is not gonna be that hard. 337 00:12:59,049 --> 00:13:01,249 I mean, look at us. We've got a doctor, 338 00:13:01,251 --> 00:13:03,084 a billionaire, another billionaire. 339 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:05,053 Billionaire's permanent houseguest. 340 00:13:05,055 --> 00:13:07,121 Ooh, he said I'm permanent. 341 00:13:08,174 --> 00:13:10,925 Check out the talent at three o'clock. 342 00:13:10,927 --> 00:13:12,093 Oh. 343 00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:13,645 Oh, oh, oh. 344 00:13:13,647 --> 00:13:16,231 Hotsy-totsy! 345 00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,965 Oh, I got dibs on the blonde. 346 00:13:17,967 --> 00:13:19,984 Oh, who's taking the manly one? What manly one? 347 00:13:19,986 --> 00:13:22,187 Herb's got the one with the Adam's apple. 348 00:13:23,572 --> 00:13:25,490 Okay, what are we gonna do here, guys? 349 00:13:25,492 --> 00:13:26,941 You know, uh, what's the plan? 350 00:13:26,943 --> 00:13:28,276 I mean, uh, teams of two, 351 00:13:28,278 --> 00:13:30,161 every man for himself, uh, shock and awe? 352 00:13:30,163 --> 00:13:32,413 Or we just send in the tall, handsome guy 353 00:13:32,415 --> 00:13:33,748 with the big johnson. 354 00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:35,200 I'll see what I can do. 355 00:13:35,202 --> 00:13:37,818 Oh, not you. Pretty boy here. 356 00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:40,371 Well, I am more than just a pretty face. 357 00:13:40,373 --> 00:13:43,174 Come on, man. You can be like the-the great white shark, 358 00:13:43,176 --> 00:13:45,093 and we'll be the plucky little pilot fish 359 00:13:45,095 --> 00:13:47,212 who swim alongside you and feed off your scraps. 360 00:13:47,214 --> 00:13:50,381 Why do I have to be cursed with all of this? 361 00:13:50,383 --> 00:13:52,517 Back off. 362 00:13:52,519 --> 00:13:54,419 I will seal the deal. 363 00:13:56,021 --> 00:13:57,522 I've seen this movie before. 364 00:13:57,524 --> 00:14:00,058 You're going to enjoy it. 365 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,919 Hi. I hate to interrupt, 366 00:14:02,921 --> 00:14:05,271 so I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. 367 00:14:05,273 --> 00:14:08,525 I'm neither tall, nor handsome, but I'm incredibly rich. 368 00:14:08,527 --> 00:14:11,945 So which of you would like the honor 369 00:14:11,947 --> 00:14:16,533 of sleeping with me for... $5,000? 370 00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:21,905 I apologize. 371 00:14:21,907 --> 00:14:24,073 Ten thousand. 372 00:14:35,669 --> 00:14:37,670 Gentlemen, 373 00:14:37,672 --> 00:14:40,640 the bar has been lowered. 374 00:14:43,460 --> 00:14:45,461 This is a great idea, Herb. 375 00:14:45,463 --> 00:14:48,064 Yeah, but we shouldn't call him Herb. 376 00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:49,632 We should call him Erb. 377 00:14:51,469 --> 00:14:52,919 Well, as a doctor, 378 00:14:52,921 --> 00:14:55,905 I have access to some pretty righteous chronic. 379 00:14:55,907 --> 00:14:57,190 You're a pediatrician. 380 00:14:57,192 --> 00:14:58,741 I prescribe it to the parents. 381 00:14:58,743 --> 00:15:00,326 Hmm. 382 00:15:00,328 --> 00:15:01,477 This would be way better 383 00:15:01,479 --> 00:15:03,162 if there were four hot women in here. 384 00:15:03,164 --> 00:15:05,147 Yeah, and none of you. 385 00:15:05,149 --> 00:15:07,917 Please, the only way you could satisfy four women 386 00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:09,619 is if they were cannibals. 387 00:15:09,621 --> 00:15:11,454 Okay. 388 00:15:11,456 --> 00:15:13,339 Yeah. Look, I will have you know, 389 00:15:13,341 --> 00:15:15,508 I have no trouble satisfying multiple women. 390 00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:17,544 In fact, that's kind of the reason 391 00:15:17,546 --> 00:15:20,096 I ended in this big bowl of sausage soup. 392 00:15:20,098 --> 00:15:21,831 What do you mean? 393 00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:25,835 Bridget and I would enjoy the occasional threesome. 394 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:29,105 And by "occasional," I mean every Friday, Saturday, 395 00:15:29,107 --> 00:15:30,390 and Sunday night. 396 00:15:30,392 --> 00:15:32,942 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bridget, like, my Bridget? 397 00:15:32,944 --> 00:15:35,177 Yup. She was a weekend warrior. 398 00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:38,698 Wow. The closest we ever came to a threesome 399 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:42,235 was one time we dog-sat, and I left the bedroom door open. 400 00:15:42,237 --> 00:15:43,987 Me and that beagle made eye contact 401 00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:46,623 at the most inopportune moment. 402 00:15:46,625 --> 00:15:48,541 Oh, my God. 403 00:15:48,543 --> 00:15:50,810 Well, hey, hey, hey-- one word of advice. 404 00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:53,296 Do not look up from the lap of a girl 405 00:15:53,298 --> 00:15:56,165 you just picked up at Safeway and say to your girlfriend, 406 00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:59,252 "My God, I never want this to end!" 407 00:16:00,421 --> 00:16:02,171 Aah, threesomes never work out. 408 00:16:02,173 --> 00:16:03,840 Somebody always feels left out. 409 00:16:03,842 --> 00:16:06,809 That's why my receptionist and I got another couple and swing. 410 00:16:06,811 --> 00:16:09,929 Ooh! Stringbean's a freak. I like it. 411 00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:12,315 Yeah, if you and, uh, Bridget ever get back together, 412 00:16:12,317 --> 00:16:15,051 maybe she'd like to become a Herbivore. 413 00:16:16,570 --> 00:16:18,571 I will keep that in mind. 414 00:16:19,356 --> 00:16:20,890 Okay, so I lied 415 00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:23,443 to the woman I love about who I am. 416 00:16:23,445 --> 00:16:24,727 Herb cheated on his wife. 417 00:16:24,729 --> 00:16:25,995 And Billy spent too much time 418 00:16:25,997 --> 00:16:27,614 yodeling in the wrong canyon. 419 00:16:29,033 --> 00:16:31,734 Why did you and Lyndsey break up? 420 00:16:31,736 --> 00:16:34,504 She wanted a key to the house. 421 00:16:37,591 --> 00:16:38,591 And? 422 00:16:38,593 --> 00:16:41,260 And I said no. 423 00:16:41,262 --> 00:16:42,512 Why? 424 00:16:42,514 --> 00:16:44,047 Well, it's-it's not mine to give. 425 00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:45,581 It's your house. 426 00:16:45,583 --> 00:16:47,717 Since when does that matter to you? 427 00:16:47,719 --> 00:16:49,852 Since I don't want my girlfriend 428 00:16:49,854 --> 00:16:52,388 to have unrestricted access to my house. 429 00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:54,941 And we're back to your house. 430 00:16:54,943 --> 00:16:56,442 I like my space! 431 00:16:56,444 --> 00:16:58,394 I-I want to keep my options open. 432 00:16:58,396 --> 00:17:01,981 Options? You have op-shun. 433 00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:06,703 Shun. As in, all other girls shun you. 434 00:17:06,705 --> 00:17:07,954 Look, Alan, 435 00:17:07,956 --> 00:17:09,205 don't be a schmuck. 436 00:17:09,207 --> 00:17:10,990 If you're gonna throw away your relationship, 437 00:17:10,992 --> 00:17:12,325 do it for a good reason. 438 00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:15,962 Like spending too much time face down in the checkout girl. 439 00:17:15,964 --> 00:17:17,780 Yeah, or, uh, fooling around 440 00:17:17,782 --> 00:17:19,448 with your hot, young receptionist 441 00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:22,552 who lets you wear a diaper while riding her around the office. 442 00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:27,473 Is one example. 443 00:17:27,475 --> 00:17:30,309 Nobody's gonna think about that next time we see you. 444 00:17:31,645 --> 00:17:33,629 My point is, you're the only one of us 445 00:17:33,631 --> 00:17:35,515 who has a chance to get his girl back. 446 00:17:35,517 --> 00:17:37,483 What about all that stuff about not needing women? 447 00:17:37,485 --> 00:17:40,069 We only said that because we don't have women. 448 00:17:40,071 --> 00:17:42,605 Really? Of course. Lyndsey is awesome. 449 00:17:42,607 --> 00:17:44,824 She really is. She's got the face of an angel, 450 00:17:44,826 --> 00:17:47,076 buttocks you can bounce a quarter off, 451 00:17:47,078 --> 00:17:49,829 and a bosom that just makes you wish she was your mother. 452 00:17:52,533 --> 00:17:54,150 But I'm saying she's awesome. 453 00:17:54,152 --> 00:17:57,453 Just give her the key, Alan. Give her anything she wants. 454 00:17:57,455 --> 00:17:59,372 Well, it's a little late. She's out with another guy. 455 00:17:59,374 --> 00:18:00,873 Well, no, it's not too late. 456 00:18:00,875 --> 00:18:03,593 Go get her. Go do it for yourself. 457 00:18:03,595 --> 00:18:05,828 Do it for all of us who can't get our girl back. 458 00:18:05,830 --> 00:18:07,046 Yeah! Come on, go get her. 459 00:18:07,048 --> 00:18:08,347 Okay, okay, you're right. Yeah. 460 00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:09,632 You're right. I'm gonna do it! 461 00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,634 I'm gonna do it for all of us! There you go. 462 00:18:11,636 --> 00:18:12,769 Oh. 463 00:18:19,727 --> 00:18:22,478 I cannot believe he is our only hope. 464 00:18:24,531 --> 00:18:26,816 ♪ Men. ♪ 465 00:18:30,454 --> 00:18:32,371 I don't know what the problem is. 466 00:18:32,373 --> 00:18:35,408 This is delightful. Oh! 467 00:18:35,410 --> 00:18:36,542 Oh, boy. 468 00:18:36,544 --> 00:18:37,577 Alan? 469 00:18:37,579 --> 00:18:39,412 Oh, Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi. Hi. 470 00:18:39,414 --> 00:18:40,696 I-I just need two minutes. 471 00:18:40,698 --> 00:18:42,165 Were you peeing in my bushes? 472 00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:44,200 What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh... 473 00:18:44,202 --> 00:18:45,384 I'm Alan Harper. 474 00:18:45,386 --> 00:18:46,886 No thanks. 475 00:18:46,888 --> 00:18:48,888 Alan, this is not a good time. 476 00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:50,056 Okay, just-just hear me out, okay? 477 00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:51,090 Look, she said this wasn't a good time. 478 00:18:51,092 --> 00:18:52,091 Get him! 479 00:18:52,093 --> 00:18:54,477 Whoa, whoa. Walden, what are you doing? 480 00:18:54,479 --> 00:18:56,803 You'll thank us later. What are you doing? Put me down. 481 00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,853 - Who are you? - You look lovely, Lyndsey. 482 00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:01,072 What the hell is going on? 483 00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:02,723 I swear I had nothing to do with this. 484 00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:04,442 Why did they just take my date away? 485 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,277 Don't worry. I think they're just trying to help. 486 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:07,612 Help with what? 487 00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:09,997 Okay, I-I know this seems crazy, 488 00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:13,367 but I've been doing a lot of thinking and... here. 489 00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:15,169 What's this? 490 00:19:15,171 --> 00:19:16,554 A key to the house. 491 00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,072 I want you to have it. 492 00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:19,256 Really? 493 00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:20,808 Yes, yes, you're my girlfriend. 494 00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:23,210 Mi casa es su casa. 495 00:19:23,212 --> 00:19:24,211 Actually, 496 00:19:24,213 --> 00:19:26,180 mi casa es Walden's casa 497 00:19:26,182 --> 00:19:27,581 es su casa. 498 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:30,518 I think I went to high school with a Sue Casa. 499 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,920 Which is ironic, because she ended up homeless. 500 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:33,888 Sorry. 501 00:19:33,890 --> 00:19:35,106 Anyway, the point is, 502 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:37,141 the key is yours. 503 00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:39,143 What made you change your mind? 504 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,594 I love you, Lyndsey. 505 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,064 What really made you change your mind? 506 00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:45,066 All right, here we go. 507 00:19:45,068 --> 00:19:48,869 The fact that while you could certainly do better, 508 00:19:48,871 --> 00:19:51,539 there's no way I ever could. 509 00:19:51,541 --> 00:19:54,041 Alan, that is so sweet. 510 00:19:54,043 --> 00:19:56,160 And so true. 511 00:19:57,713 --> 00:19:59,997 So I know Herb and Walden, 512 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,249 but who's the lesbian in the bathrobe? 513 00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:05,136 ♪ Men. ♪ 514 00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:12,654 Sorry about kidnapping you. 515 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:13,793 Ah, don't worry about it. 516 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,962 It was never gonna work with Lyndsey and me. 517 00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:18,281 Outside of her vagina, we have nothing in common. 518 00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:19,466 Doctor to doctor, 519 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,084 can I ask you a medical question? 520 00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,836 Is it beautiful? 521 00:20:22,838 --> 00:20:24,137 Herb. 522 00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:25,755 Sorry about that, Dr. Staven. 523 00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,891 Oh, please, call me Steven. 524 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,676 Well, Steven Staven? 525 00:20:29,678 --> 00:20:31,895 It's made me a stronger person. 526 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,098 You know, you wear that robe better than Judith ever did. 527 00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,900 Really? I feel boxy. 528 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,802 No, no. 529 00:20:39,496 --> 00:20:40,762 What was that? 530 00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:44,133 Uh-oh. 531 00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:45,767 Oh, crap. 532 00:20:45,769 --> 00:20:46,935 Run, Steven Staven! 533 00:20:46,937 --> 00:20:48,270 Run! 534 00:20:48,272 --> 00:20:49,855 Oh, wait! 535 00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:50,939 Herb's down! 536 00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:52,141 Leave him! 537 00:20:52,143 --> 00:20:53,358 Oh, dear God, help me! 538 00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:55,969 Tell Lyndsey I love her! 539 00:20:55,971 --> 00:21:00,971 == sync, corrected by elderman ==