00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,678 --> 00:00:02,262 Previously on Two and a Half Men... 2 00:00:02,264 --> 00:00:03,855 I am determined to find someone 3 00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:04,809 who wants to be with me 4 00:00:04,811 --> 00:00:06,761 for who I am, not what I have. 5 00:00:06,763 --> 00:00:08,763 You can be whoever you want to be. Hmm. 6 00:00:08,765 --> 00:00:10,031 I can help you out with that. 7 00:00:10,033 --> 00:00:11,032 Sam Wilson. 8 00:00:11,034 --> 00:00:12,933 Maybe you could crash here. 9 00:00:12,935 --> 00:00:16,270 I think it is great that you're working on your computer stuff, 10 00:00:16,272 --> 00:00:17,905 but we need help now. 11 00:00:17,907 --> 00:00:20,575 I get it. Say no more. 12 00:00:20,577 --> 00:00:22,493 I'll start looking for a job. 13 00:00:22,495 --> 00:00:24,078 Your job's just a way to get by 14 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:25,946 till you get your big break as a designer. 15 00:00:25,948 --> 00:00:27,465 What if it never happens? 16 00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:30,026 I want to invest in your line of clothing. 17 00:00:30,051 --> 00:00:30,636 Really? 18 00:00:30,637 --> 00:00:32,587 Pack your bags for New York, 19 00:00:32,589 --> 00:00:35,340 because I am gonna write you a check 20 00:00:35,342 --> 00:00:37,091 for $50,000. 21 00:00:37,093 --> 00:00:38,309 The stress of living a lie 22 00:00:38,311 --> 00:00:40,395 is causing you to just fall apart. 23 00:00:40,397 --> 00:00:41,429 You're binge-eating. 24 00:00:41,431 --> 00:00:42,563 I'll miss you. 25 00:00:42,565 --> 00:00:43,514 I love you, Sam. 26 00:00:43,516 --> 00:00:45,483 Hello? Walden? 27 00:00:45,485 --> 00:00:46,651 Why is it so dark in here? 28 00:00:46,653 --> 00:00:48,186 Alan, no! 29 00:00:52,691 --> 00:00:53,908 Walden. 30 00:00:53,910 --> 00:00:54,993 What's happened to you? 31 00:00:54,995 --> 00:00:56,995 What do you mean? 32 00:00:56,997 --> 00:00:58,312 Uh... okay. 33 00:00:58,314 --> 00:01:00,665 I-I don't know how to say this, um... 34 00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:03,001 but you're either wearing a child's shirt 35 00:01:03,003 --> 00:01:04,652 or carrying a child. 36 00:01:05,654 --> 00:01:08,539 Both options raise concerns. 37 00:01:08,541 --> 00:01:12,043 Hey, I will not apologize 38 00:01:12,045 --> 00:01:14,328 for enjoying the art of fine cuisine. 39 00:01:14,330 --> 00:01:17,998 Says the guy who has barbecue sauce all over his back. 40 00:01:19,435 --> 00:01:23,354 Oh, like I'm the first guy to fall asleep on a McRib. 41 00:01:23,356 --> 00:01:24,772 What are you doing here, Alan? 42 00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:26,441 I'm worried about you. 43 00:01:26,443 --> 00:01:27,809 I haven't seen you in three weeks. 44 00:01:27,811 --> 00:01:28,860 Kate's still in New York. 45 00:01:28,862 --> 00:01:30,778 Why are you still in her apartment? 46 00:01:30,780 --> 00:01:32,397 I like it here. 47 00:01:32,399 --> 00:01:33,448 It's comfortable. 48 00:01:33,450 --> 00:01:35,015 Besides, the beach house smells like you. 49 00:01:35,017 --> 00:01:36,517 This place smells like Kate. 50 00:01:36,519 --> 00:01:40,121 I'll take "things a serial killer would say" for $200. 51 00:01:40,123 --> 00:01:42,457 You want to be my next victim? 52 00:01:42,459 --> 00:01:45,025 Come on, Walden, look at you. 53 00:01:45,027 --> 00:01:46,828 You're-you're a disgusting blob. 54 00:01:46,830 --> 00:01:49,029 I mean, can you even see your penis past that gut? 55 00:01:49,031 --> 00:01:51,716 My penis is like Santa Claus. 56 00:01:51,718 --> 00:01:54,385 I don't need to see it; I just need to believe in it. 57 00:01:54,387 --> 00:01:55,636 Well, you know what I believe? 58 00:01:55,638 --> 00:01:57,221 Living a double life is killing you. 59 00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,890 Well, you don't know what you're talking about. 60 00:01:58,892 --> 00:02:01,225 So why don't you just go away? 61 00:02:01,227 --> 00:02:02,894 So, you don't think you need any help? 62 00:02:02,896 --> 00:02:04,645 I know I don't need any help. 63 00:02:04,647 --> 00:02:05,763 Fine, then I'll leave. 64 00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:11,102 Alan? 65 00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:13,571 Yeah? 66 00:02:13,573 --> 00:02:16,557 I need help. 67 00:02:16,559 --> 00:02:18,609 Oh, buddy, it's-it's gonna be okay. 68 00:02:18,611 --> 00:02:20,728 No, it's not gonna be okay! 69 00:02:20,730 --> 00:02:22,613 I'm out of control! 70 00:02:22,615 --> 00:02:24,949 I'm lying to the woman I love! 71 00:02:24,951 --> 00:02:27,285 And the only thing I do more than lie 72 00:02:27,287 --> 00:02:29,170 is eat raw cookie dough. 73 00:02:29,172 --> 00:02:31,906 And I think I have salmonella. 74 00:02:31,908 --> 00:02:34,074 Don't worry. 75 00:02:34,076 --> 00:02:35,877 Alan's here now. 76 00:02:35,879 --> 00:02:37,578 We're gonna get you... 77 00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:40,598 hosed down and... back in shape 78 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,467 and-and feeling like your old self again. 79 00:02:42,469 --> 00:02:44,051 You think so? 80 00:02:44,053 --> 00:02:45,436 Oh, absolutely. 81 00:02:45,438 --> 00:02:46,754 And after we do, 82 00:02:46,756 --> 00:02:48,689 you're gonna call up Kate and tell her the truth. 83 00:02:48,691 --> 00:02:49,941 What? No, I can't. 84 00:02:49,943 --> 00:02:51,526 You have to. Why? 85 00:02:51,528 --> 00:02:53,611 Because the truth will set you free, and you know it. 86 00:02:53,613 --> 00:02:56,114 Okay. 87 00:02:56,116 --> 00:02:57,031 Maybe you're right. 88 00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,649 There you go. 89 00:02:58,651 --> 00:03:02,653 Plus, it'd be nice to lose the gut and see my penis again. 90 00:03:02,655 --> 00:03:05,823 And I'm sure he'd like to see you, too. 91 00:03:05,825 --> 00:03:08,709 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 92 00:03:08,711 --> 00:03:10,211 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 93 00:03:10,236 --> 00:03:14,236 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x13 ♪ Grab a Feather and Get in Line Original Air Date on January 10, 2013 94 00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:19,261 == sync, corrected by elderman == 95 00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:22,469 Getting you back in shape is not gonna be easy. 96 00:03:22,471 --> 00:03:23,803 It's gonna be a long haul. 97 00:03:23,805 --> 00:03:26,372 It'll take exercise, diet and discipline. 98 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:27,974 Don't make such a big deal about this. 99 00:03:27,976 --> 00:03:29,058 I look fine. 100 00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:31,795 Aw, look who's got a little belly. 101 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,317 Let's do this thing. 102 00:03:37,319 --> 00:03:39,269 ♪ 103 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,610 Whoo, that was easy. 104 00:03:54,085 --> 00:03:55,785 Hey, you. 105 00:03:55,787 --> 00:03:56,920 Hi, babe. 106 00:03:56,922 --> 00:03:58,671 How's the prep for the show going? 107 00:03:58,673 --> 00:04:00,039 Oh, my God, 108 00:04:00,041 --> 00:04:04,210 everybody here is pretentious, bitchy and high. 109 00:04:04,212 --> 00:04:06,679 I love New York! 110 00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,748 Are you sure you're not Skyping from heaven? 111 00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:11,801 Because you appear to be surrounded by half-naked angels. 112 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,622 Oh, yeah, that's Britté and Inga. 113 00:04:15,624 --> 00:04:18,141 I guess they're done throwing up their lunch. 114 00:04:18,143 --> 00:04:20,059 Well, I've got great news. 115 00:04:20,061 --> 00:04:21,644 I'll be there tomorrow. 116 00:04:21,646 --> 00:04:24,063 You do realize they'll be dressed by then. 117 00:04:24,065 --> 00:04:26,900 No, I'm coming to see you. 118 00:04:26,902 --> 00:04:28,368 But if the models are still there 119 00:04:28,370 --> 00:04:30,036 and we wind up getting in a pillow fight 120 00:04:30,038 --> 00:04:31,905 in our hotel bed, then so be it. 121 00:04:33,074 --> 00:04:34,090 Are you really coming? 122 00:04:34,092 --> 00:04:35,274 Yeah. 123 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:37,794 And I got a big surprise for you. 124 00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,896 Oh... Wait, hang on a sec. 125 00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,998 How can you afford a plane ticket? 126 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,751 Alan is flying me on his jet. 127 00:04:44,753 --> 00:04:47,003 Oh, Alan's coming, too. 128 00:04:47,005 --> 00:04:49,055 Yay. 129 00:04:49,057 --> 00:04:50,640 Don't worry about him. 130 00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:52,008 I'll see you tomorrow, okay? 131 00:04:52,010 --> 00:04:53,426 Oh, and do me a favor. 132 00:04:53,428 --> 00:04:55,562 Before I get there, make sure those models have clothes on. 133 00:04:55,564 --> 00:04:59,899 How do you feel about naughty school girl outfits? 134 00:04:59,901 --> 00:05:02,402 I find them degrading. 135 00:05:02,404 --> 00:05:03,820 And perfect. 136 00:05:05,023 --> 00:05:07,073 I love you, Sam. I love you. 137 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,227 So did you tell her? 138 00:05:11,229 --> 00:05:12,745 No. 139 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,647 I want to tell her in person. 140 00:05:14,649 --> 00:05:16,482 So pack your bags. 141 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,817 We're going to New York. 142 00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:19,085 Me? Why am I going? 143 00:05:19,087 --> 00:05:21,938 This is really scary for me, Alan. 144 00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:23,339 I need the support of my friend. 145 00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:24,707 Well, you got it. 146 00:05:24,709 --> 00:05:26,376 Thank you. Uh, uh, Walden? 147 00:05:26,378 --> 00:05:27,877 Yes, I'll cover your expenses. 148 00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:29,796 Great. Um, and... 149 00:05:29,798 --> 00:05:32,048 Yes, I'll give you per diem. 150 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:36,836 If he ever gets a real friend, I'm screwed. 151 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,474 Ooh, you know what we should do in New York? 152 00:05:41,476 --> 00:05:43,476 Go see a musical. 153 00:05:43,478 --> 00:05:45,528 Yeah, maybe. 154 00:05:45,530 --> 00:05:47,447 If I put my life back together. 155 00:05:47,449 --> 00:05:49,649 Of course. 156 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,235 So what are you thinking, Jersey Boys? 157 00:05:53,037 --> 00:05:55,204 ♪ Walk like a man 158 00:05:55,206 --> 00:05:57,874 ♪ Talk like a man... 159 00:05:57,876 --> 00:06:00,076 I don't really have a preference. 160 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,030 Can't go wrong with Wicked. 161 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,549 Sure. 162 00:06:07,751 --> 00:06:10,637 Then again, Mamma Mia. 163 00:06:10,639 --> 00:06:12,371 Oh, I can never see that show enough. 164 00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:13,756 I own the movie on Blu-ray. 165 00:06:15,392 --> 00:06:16,559 Two words. 166 00:06:16,561 --> 00:06:18,978 Delightful romp. 167 00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,714 You do realize the whole point of this trip 168 00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:24,400 is to tell the woman I love that I'm actually someone else? 169 00:06:24,402 --> 00:06:26,402 Oh, I get it. 170 00:06:26,404 --> 00:06:29,388 If that story was on Broadway, I'd see it in a heartbeat. 171 00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:31,390 Walden Schmidt in 172 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:34,944 Les Mis-Representation of Who He Is. 173 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,730 Thanks for the support. 174 00:06:37,732 --> 00:06:40,450 Oh, come on, lighten up. 175 00:06:40,452 --> 00:06:42,234 Everything's gonna be fine. 176 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,088 I just hope she doesn't like Sam more than she likes Walden. 177 00:06:45,090 --> 00:06:46,289 Why would she? 178 00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:48,174 Well, a lot of reasons. 179 00:06:48,176 --> 00:06:50,877 One, Sam's better in bed. What? 180 00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:52,128 He tries harder. 181 00:06:52,130 --> 00:06:53,713 He has to compensate 182 00:06:53,715 --> 00:06:55,348 for all the other things he doesn't have. 183 00:06:55,350 --> 00:06:57,350 He's banging scared. 184 00:06:57,352 --> 00:07:01,304 If that's true, I'd be the best lay on the planet. 185 00:07:01,306 --> 00:07:03,556 I just don't want to lose her. 186 00:07:03,558 --> 00:07:05,424 Oh, you won't. 187 00:07:07,061 --> 00:07:11,698 But it's fun to lose yourself in the magic of Broadway. 188 00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,499 Alan. 189 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,867 Fine. 190 00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:18,538 Well, it's too bad you're in a relationship. 191 00:07:18,540 --> 00:07:22,041 Kate's show will be packed with half-naked supermodels. 192 00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:23,126 S-Supermodels? 193 00:07:23,128 --> 00:07:24,210 Yeah. 194 00:07:24,212 --> 00:07:25,878 Wow. 195 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,463 Excuse me a second. 196 00:07:27,465 --> 00:07:29,415 I'm gonna make a call. 197 00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:31,417 My girl. 198 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:34,470 Hey, Lyndsey. 199 00:07:34,472 --> 00:07:36,589 Hey, what's up? 200 00:07:38,092 --> 00:07:40,760 I'm flying to New York City. 201 00:07:40,762 --> 00:07:43,012 A fashion show, maybe take in a musical. 202 00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:45,648 Ah. Guys' weekend. 203 00:07:45,650 --> 00:07:47,684 Yes, exactly. 204 00:07:47,686 --> 00:07:49,468 Um, so anyhow, I just wanted to... 205 00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,521 make sure you still love me. 206 00:07:51,523 --> 00:07:53,940 Of course I do. Why would you even ask? 207 00:07:53,942 --> 00:07:55,825 Well, you know, I'm on a plane. 208 00:07:55,827 --> 00:07:57,910 You know, anything can happen at any time. 209 00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:58,978 Don't worry, Alan. 210 00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:00,163 I love you. 211 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,188 And we're gonna be together forever. 212 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,666 O-Okay, sweetie. 213 00:08:03,668 --> 00:08:05,818 I-I love you, too. Bye-bye. 214 00:08:06,837 --> 00:08:08,788 Son of a bitch. 215 00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:14,794 Oh, my. Oh, my. 216 00:08:14,796 --> 00:08:16,612 Oh... oh, gee. 217 00:08:16,614 --> 00:08:18,715 So... so tall. So... 218 00:08:18,717 --> 00:08:20,349 So very tall. 219 00:08:20,351 --> 00:08:23,502 Oh. Oh, that-that... that's an 11. 220 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,605 And... and now we've got a... a 12. 221 00:08:25,607 --> 00:08:27,506 Oh, God, can you believe this? 222 00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,609 All these beautiful women, and I'm off the market. 223 00:08:29,611 --> 00:08:32,528 Yeah, 'cause that's what models are looking for: 224 00:08:32,530 --> 00:08:35,014 a middle-aged, twice divorced, broke-ass guy 225 00:08:35,016 --> 00:08:37,116 who lives in a guest room with a dehumidifier 226 00:08:37,118 --> 00:08:38,701 and my old tax returns. 227 00:08:38,703 --> 00:08:41,687 Ooh, "I make enough money to pay taxes." 228 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,740 Rub my nose in it. 229 00:08:43,742 --> 00:08:44,874 I'm sorry. 230 00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:46,375 I'm just nervous. 231 00:08:46,377 --> 00:08:48,044 I don't know if I can do this. 232 00:08:48,046 --> 00:08:49,462 I feel like I'm gonna puke. 233 00:08:49,464 --> 00:08:50,747 Well, this is the place for it. 234 00:08:50,749 --> 00:08:52,832 Grab a feather and get in line. 235 00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:53,866 Sam! 236 00:08:53,868 --> 00:08:56,252 Hi, Kate. 237 00:08:56,254 --> 00:08:57,837 Hi. 238 00:08:57,839 --> 00:09:00,556 Alan, it's so good to... 239 00:09:01,592 --> 00:09:03,259 Alan! 240 00:09:03,261 --> 00:09:05,511 I'm very, very happy for you. 241 00:09:05,513 --> 00:09:06,679 I hope this fashion show brings you 242 00:09:06,681 --> 00:09:08,431 all the success in the world. Thank you. 243 00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:10,566 Why don't I leave the two of you alone 244 00:09:10,568 --> 00:09:12,735 while I fill my head with images to think of 245 00:09:12,737 --> 00:09:14,987 when I'm having sex with the woman I love. 246 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,525 I am so happy you're here. 247 00:09:19,527 --> 00:09:21,560 Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it for the world. 248 00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,779 So, what's this big surprise 249 00:09:22,781 --> 00:09:25,081 you had to fly all the way to New York to talk to me about? 250 00:09:25,083 --> 00:09:26,833 Yeah... the surprise. 251 00:09:26,835 --> 00:09:28,451 That's... 252 00:09:28,453 --> 00:09:31,120 Okay, uh... 253 00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:32,088 close your eyes. 254 00:09:32,090 --> 00:09:34,406 All right. 255 00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:37,960 Kate, I'd like you to meet Walden Schmidt. 256 00:09:42,217 --> 00:09:43,299 I don't understand. 257 00:09:43,301 --> 00:09:45,468 My name's not Sam Wilson. 258 00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:47,270 It's Walden Schmidt. 259 00:09:47,272 --> 00:09:48,938 What? 260 00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:51,107 ♪ Walk like a man 261 00:09:51,109 --> 00:09:53,442 ♪ Talk like a man 262 00:09:53,444 --> 00:09:57,363 ♪ Walk like a man, my son 263 00:09:57,365 --> 00:09:59,398 ♪ No woman's worth ♪ 264 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,067 ♪ Crawling on the earth... 265 00:10:08,318 --> 00:10:09,718 Wait a sec. 266 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,887 Your name's not Sam Wilson? 267 00:10:11,889 --> 00:10:14,140 No. 268 00:10:14,142 --> 00:10:16,208 And I'm not broke, either. 269 00:10:17,344 --> 00:10:18,911 I have a lot of money. 270 00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:22,048 In fact, I have more than a lot. 271 00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:24,417 Like, think about a lot of money, 272 00:10:24,419 --> 00:10:26,202 and then multiply it by ten... 273 00:10:27,237 --> 00:10:29,205 ...thousand. 274 00:10:29,207 --> 00:10:31,624 But how is this possible? 275 00:10:31,626 --> 00:10:33,376 You worked at a Christmas tree lot. 276 00:10:33,378 --> 00:10:34,894 You didn't chip in on the rent. 277 00:10:34,896 --> 00:10:37,847 I saw you use toilet paper as a coffee filter. 278 00:10:37,849 --> 00:10:39,849 That's only because the day before 279 00:10:39,851 --> 00:10:42,018 I used the last coffee filter as toilet paper. 280 00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,519 Okay. 281 00:10:43,521 --> 00:10:46,088 Why are you doing this, Sam? 282 00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:48,140 It's not Sam. It's Walden. 283 00:10:48,142 --> 00:10:49,425 Okay, whatever your name is, 284 00:10:49,427 --> 00:10:52,445 why would you lie about who you are? 285 00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:55,231 Because I wanted to meet someone like you. 286 00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:57,149 Someone who's kind 287 00:10:57,151 --> 00:10:58,868 and genuine and sweet 288 00:10:58,870 --> 00:11:00,453 and not after my money. 289 00:11:00,455 --> 00:11:03,789 Someone that I felt like I had a real connection with. 290 00:11:03,791 --> 00:11:06,625 So, to make sure you could trust me, 291 00:11:06,627 --> 00:11:07,910 you lied to me? 292 00:11:07,912 --> 00:11:09,445 I'm really sorry. 293 00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:11,113 I-I got caught up in it, 294 00:11:11,115 --> 00:11:13,749 and then I-I couldn't figure out how to get out, and it... 295 00:11:13,751 --> 00:11:17,619 Trust me, you are the most amazing person I've ever met. 296 00:11:17,621 --> 00:11:21,790 I love you whether I'm Sam Wilson or Walden Schmidt. 297 00:11:21,792 --> 00:11:23,459 Well, good for you. 298 00:11:23,461 --> 00:11:26,896 Unfortunately, I have no idea who Walden Schmidt is. 299 00:11:26,898 --> 00:11:29,615 Kate, wait. 300 00:11:29,617 --> 00:11:30,966 You know what? 301 00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:35,137 This whole time, I thought he was the douche. 302 00:11:35,139 --> 00:11:37,523 Turns out you're the douche. 303 00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:44,530 Unbelievable. 304 00:11:44,532 --> 00:11:46,648 She likes me. 305 00:11:52,456 --> 00:11:53,789 How you doing? 306 00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:57,460 I've been better. 307 00:11:57,462 --> 00:11:59,595 Aw, I'm sorry, buddy. 308 00:11:59,597 --> 00:12:01,714 You know what might cheer you up? 309 00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:04,016 There are still tickets 310 00:12:04,018 --> 00:12:06,335 for tonight's performance of Jersey Boys. 311 00:12:06,337 --> 00:12:09,004 We're not going to Jersey Boys. 312 00:12:09,006 --> 00:12:10,689 Oh, I totally get it. 313 00:12:10,691 --> 00:12:12,224 Lion King it is. 314 00:12:12,226 --> 00:12:14,810 We're not going to any musical at all. 315 00:12:14,812 --> 00:12:16,228 Fine. 316 00:12:17,514 --> 00:12:20,182 I just don't understand why we both have to be depressed. 317 00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:23,152 I don't think she's ever going to forgive me. 318 00:12:24,404 --> 00:12:25,538 Why would she? 319 00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,624 I mean, I lied to her about everything. 320 00:12:28,626 --> 00:12:31,160 I don't want to give anything away 321 00:12:31,162 --> 00:12:33,245 in case you change your mind and we do go, 322 00:12:33,247 --> 00:12:34,914 but... 323 00:12:34,916 --> 00:12:37,500 when Simba lies to his friends 324 00:12:37,502 --> 00:12:41,003 by not telling them that he's the Lion King, 325 00:12:41,005 --> 00:12:42,338 they forgive him 326 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:45,474 after a few short but snappy dance numbers. 327 00:12:45,476 --> 00:12:48,844 Life is not a musical, Alan. 328 00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:51,046 So knock it off. 329 00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:53,349 See, that wouldn't have hurt so much 330 00:12:53,351 --> 00:12:55,017 if you'd sung it. 331 00:12:55,019 --> 00:12:58,404 I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just upset. 332 00:12:59,406 --> 00:13:01,991 I mean, I did what I did for love. 333 00:13:03,910 --> 00:13:05,694 Am I really that bad of a guy? 334 00:13:06,948 --> 00:13:08,998 ♪ You're a douche, you're a douche ♪ 335 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,916 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 336 00:13:10,918 --> 00:13:14,086 ♪ You broke that poor girl's heart ♪ 337 00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:15,838 ♪ You're a douche, you're a douche ♪ 338 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,023 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 339 00:13:18,025 --> 00:13:21,210 ♪ You should have told the truth right from the start ♪ 340 00:13:21,212 --> 00:13:22,862 ♪ But my intentions were good 341 00:13:22,864 --> 00:13:25,014 ♪ I was no slave to my wood 342 00:13:25,016 --> 00:13:28,350 ♪ I wanted her to love me for me ♪ 343 00:13:28,352 --> 00:13:30,002 ♪ He does have lots of riches 344 00:13:30,004 --> 00:13:33,556 ♪ Which attracts a lot of bitches ♪ 345 00:13:33,558 --> 00:13:36,192 ♪ Thank you, Alan, but you'll never be on Glee ♪ 346 00:13:36,194 --> 00:13:38,894 Aw, crap. ♪ If I may throw in my two cents ♪ 347 00:13:38,896 --> 00:13:40,896 ♪ Your love was based on a pretense ♪ 348 00:13:40,898 --> 00:13:44,433 ♪ Your relationship with Mother is to blame ♪ 349 00:13:44,435 --> 00:13:45,934 ♪ You didn't suckle on her boobies ♪ 350 00:13:45,936 --> 00:13:47,769 ♪ You self-medicate with doobies ♪ 351 00:13:47,771 --> 00:13:48,988 ♪ Which explains why 352 00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:51,373 ♪ you used a made-up name... Cue the refrain. 353 00:13:51,375 --> 00:13:53,125 ♪ You're a douche, you're a douche ♪ 354 00:13:53,127 --> 00:13:54,793 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 355 00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:58,130 ♪ Everything you said was a lie ♪ 356 00:13:58,132 --> 00:14:00,216 ♪ You're a douche, you're a douche ♪ 357 00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:01,800 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 358 00:14:01,802 --> 00:14:04,670 ♪ But you're still a really, really handsome guy ♪ 359 00:14:04,672 --> 00:14:05,638 Thank you. 360 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,306 ♪ Then what am I to do 361 00:14:07,308 --> 00:14:09,558 ♪ So I don't always live with you? ♪ 362 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,011 ♪ Wow, that hurts my feelings 363 00:14:12,013 --> 00:14:15,797 ♪ But since I live there beneath your ceilings ♪ 364 00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:19,235 ♪ I'll bite the pillow like the prison bitches do ♪ 365 00:14:19,237 --> 00:14:20,969 Ooh! 366 00:14:20,971 --> 00:14:22,521 ♪ If she gives me one more chance ♪ 367 00:14:22,523 --> 00:14:24,156 ♪ We can have a real romance 368 00:14:24,158 --> 00:14:27,576 ♪ If she doesn't, we can party in my pants ♪ 369 00:14:27,578 --> 00:14:29,078 ♪ 'Scuse me, no disrespect ♪ 370 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,146 ♪ But I have to interject 371 00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:34,650 ♪ What makes you think you can steal the show? ♪ 372 00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,169 ♪ 'Cause I'm gay ♪ 373 00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:39,255 ♪ Oh, you're so clearly from L.A. ♪ 374 00:14:39,257 --> 00:14:40,422 ♪ Yes, I'm gay ♪ 375 00:14:40,424 --> 00:14:42,208 ♪ And he will always be that way ♪ 376 00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:43,842 ♪ I'm gay ♪ 377 00:14:43,844 --> 00:14:45,827 ♪ Or as his Jersey friends would say ♪ 378 00:14:45,829 --> 00:14:48,881 ♪ A-yo, badda bing, he's a big ol' 'mo ♪ 379 00:14:48,883 --> 00:14:52,184 ♪ 'Scuse me, but we seem to be digressing ♪ 380 00:14:52,186 --> 00:14:55,771 ♪ And I find it to be quite distressing ♪ 381 00:14:55,773 --> 00:14:58,840 ♪ Can we sing about the problem that's at hand? ♪ 382 00:14:58,842 --> 00:15:02,895 ♪ Can Kate get over Sam and love who I am? ♪ 383 00:15:02,897 --> 00:15:06,448 You confusin' me for someone who gives a damn. 384 00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:07,700 So bottom line... 385 00:15:07,702 --> 00:15:09,201 ♪ You're a douche, you're a douche ♪ 386 00:15:09,203 --> 00:15:10,953 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 387 00:15:10,955 --> 00:15:14,022 ♪ And I'll die sad and alone ♪ 388 00:15:14,024 --> 00:15:15,874 ♪ You're a douche, you're a douche ♪ 389 00:15:15,876 --> 00:15:17,459 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 390 00:15:18,629 --> 00:15:20,546 Hold it, everybody, that's my phone. 391 00:15:21,248 --> 00:15:23,082 Hello? Kate? 392 00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:25,834 You're a douche. 393 00:15:25,836 --> 00:15:27,219 ♪ Douche, douche, douche, douche ♪ 394 00:15:27,221 --> 00:15:29,171 ♪ Douche-y, douche, douche, douche... ♪ 395 00:15:29,173 --> 00:15:33,008 ♪ Douche, you're a douche, oh, what a douche ♪ 396 00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:35,894 ♪ You couldn't say it meaner, I'm a big vagina cleaner ♪ 397 00:15:35,896 --> 00:15:39,131 ♪ Didn't do what I oughta, I'm vinegar and water ♪ 398 00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,966 ♪ On this we all agree 399 00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:42,268 ♪ Oh, yes, we all agree 400 00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:45,554 ♪ Oh, good, you finally see to shining sea ♪ 401 00:15:45,556 --> 00:15:48,824 ♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche ♪ 402 00:15:48,826 --> 00:15:52,060 ♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche 403 00:15:52,062 --> 00:15:55,063 ♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche ♪ 404 00:15:55,065 --> 00:15:56,064 Drumroll! 405 00:15:57,668 --> 00:15:59,501 ♪ You're a douche ♪ 406 00:15:59,503 --> 00:16:00,586 ♪ You're a douche ♪ I'm a douche! 407 00:16:00,588 --> 00:16:02,588 ♪ Just a big fizzy douche 408 00:16:02,590 --> 00:16:04,790 ♪ And that's all I'll ever be ♪ 409 00:16:04,792 --> 00:16:05,924 ♪ You're a douche ♪ 410 00:16:05,926 --> 00:16:07,192 ♪ You're a douche ♪ Just a douche! 411 00:16:07,194 --> 00:16:09,295 ♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪ 412 00:16:09,297 --> 00:16:14,516 ♪ And that's all you'll ever be ♪ 413 00:16:15,201 --> 00:16:18,070 Douche! 414 00:16:18,072 --> 00:16:20,189 Walden. 415 00:16:20,191 --> 00:16:21,490 Walden? 416 00:16:22,943 --> 00:16:24,360 Uh, your phone's ringing. 417 00:16:24,362 --> 00:16:26,261 What...? 418 00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:28,447 Oh. 419 00:16:29,432 --> 00:16:30,566 It's Kate. 420 00:16:32,268 --> 00:16:34,269 Hey, Kate. 421 00:16:35,121 --> 00:16:36,872 Yeah, I can meet. 422 00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:38,774 Yeah, I'll be right there. 423 00:16:38,776 --> 00:16:40,609 Okay. 424 00:16:40,611 --> 00:16:42,077 She wants to see me. 425 00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,580 Here, take care of the check for me. 426 00:16:44,582 --> 00:16:46,732 Will do. 427 00:16:59,646 --> 00:17:02,064 Douche. 428 00:17:06,269 --> 00:17:07,969 Hey. 429 00:17:07,971 --> 00:17:10,105 Hey. 430 00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:11,490 How'd the show go? 431 00:17:11,492 --> 00:17:13,325 It was pretty amazing, actually. 432 00:17:13,327 --> 00:17:16,995 The buyer from Neiman Marcus is interested in my stuff. 433 00:17:16,997 --> 00:17:18,914 That's great. 434 00:17:18,916 --> 00:17:20,749 About halfway through the show, 435 00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:22,251 I realized that... 436 00:17:22,253 --> 00:17:25,621 Alan probably didn't pay for this, did he? 437 00:17:25,623 --> 00:17:26,922 No. 438 00:17:27,974 --> 00:17:30,158 But if the models ask, throw him a bone. 439 00:17:31,762 --> 00:17:32,961 Thank you. 440 00:17:32,963 --> 00:17:35,497 I'm really sorry. 441 00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:39,017 Do you think that there's a way that we can... 442 00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:40,436 make this work? 443 00:17:40,438 --> 00:17:42,271 I don't know. 444 00:17:42,273 --> 00:17:44,523 I mean, I trusted you, and... 445 00:17:44,525 --> 00:17:46,174 you didn't trust me. 446 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,062 Now I don't even know who you are. 447 00:17:50,064 --> 00:17:53,232 Well, if you think about it, I'm really the same guy. 448 00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,067 I just have a better watch. 449 00:17:55,069 --> 00:17:57,319 And a better car. 450 00:17:57,321 --> 00:17:58,404 A better house. 451 00:17:58,406 --> 00:17:59,405 A better... 452 00:17:59,407 --> 00:18:02,191 jet. 453 00:18:03,911 --> 00:18:06,078 So nothing about you is real. 454 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,831 What's real is that I love you. 455 00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:12,918 Okay, well... 456 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,138 I'm gonna need some time to process all of this. 457 00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:25,481 So, you think... 458 00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:27,182 maybe when we get back to L.A... 459 00:18:27,184 --> 00:18:28,350 I'm not going back to L.A. 460 00:18:28,352 --> 00:18:29,551 What? 461 00:18:29,553 --> 00:18:31,737 Yeah, thanks to you, I... 462 00:18:31,739 --> 00:18:33,555 might have a life here now. 463 00:18:33,557 --> 00:18:35,607 Wow. 464 00:18:35,609 --> 00:18:38,277 I didn't think any of this through, did I? 465 00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:41,196 Apparently not, Walden Smith. 466 00:18:41,198 --> 00:18:43,282 It's actually Schmidt. 467 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,118 You know, it's not important. 468 00:18:47,203 --> 00:18:50,405 So I guess I'll just wait to hear from you. 469 00:18:50,407 --> 00:18:52,007 I guess so. 470 00:18:53,376 --> 00:18:55,410 Good-bye, Sam. 471 00:19:01,017 --> 00:19:02,468 It's Walden. 472 00:19:02,470 --> 00:19:03,469 Hey. 473 00:19:03,471 --> 00:19:05,737 Look who needs a ride back to L.A. 474 00:19:05,739 --> 00:19:08,724 Ja, Alan the billionaire's got a big jet. 475 00:19:10,109 --> 00:19:12,478 It slipped out while they were running away from me. 476 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,614 ♪ Men. ♪ 477 00:19:23,214 --> 00:19:25,048 Ooh, too much champagne! 478 00:19:27,269 --> 00:19:29,870 They are... awfully pretty. 479 00:19:29,872 --> 00:19:32,039 Yeah. 480 00:19:32,041 --> 00:19:33,723 You, uh... you gonna? 481 00:19:36,611 --> 00:19:38,745 Nah, I'm not interested. 482 00:19:38,747 --> 00:19:39,947 Oh, me, neither. 483 00:19:39,949 --> 00:19:41,698 You know, I have a girlfriend. 484 00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,568 But, you know, if we could, uh, 485 00:19:44,570 --> 00:19:46,286 which, uh... which one would you choose? 486 00:19:50,291 --> 00:19:51,458 Probably the brunette. 487 00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:53,877 Really? The brunette? 488 00:19:53,879 --> 00:19:55,712 Oh, you want the brunette? 489 00:19:55,714 --> 00:19:57,414 Oh, me? No, I... 490 00:19:57,416 --> 00:20:00,083 I said, you know... the aforementioned girlfriend. 491 00:20:02,687 --> 00:20:04,605 Although Lyndsey is a blonde, 492 00:20:04,607 --> 00:20:08,091 and the brunette would make a very nice palate cleanser. 493 00:20:09,294 --> 00:20:11,528 You know, uh, uh... hypothetically. 494 00:20:11,530 --> 00:20:13,196 Fine. 495 00:20:13,198 --> 00:20:14,364 You can have the brunette. 496 00:20:14,366 --> 00:20:15,432 Hypothetically. 497 00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:16,984 If we're talking hypothetically, 498 00:20:16,986 --> 00:20:19,369 it's my plane, you're not here, and I'm taking them both. 499 00:20:21,239 --> 00:20:23,073 Right. Are we done with this? 500 00:20:23,075 --> 00:20:25,275 Hypothetically. 501 00:20:26,444 --> 00:20:28,078 So, uh, I assume you're 502 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,379 moving back into the beach house. 503 00:20:29,381 --> 00:20:30,831 Yeah. Good. Good. 504 00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:32,382 The place felt empty without you. 505 00:20:32,384 --> 00:20:33,333 Oh, please. 506 00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:34,668 You loved every minute of it. 507 00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:36,470 I did. I really did. 508 00:20:36,472 --> 00:20:39,789 I got to tell you, your bed ruined me. 509 00:20:39,791 --> 00:20:42,175 And I ruined it. 510 00:20:42,177 --> 00:20:43,677 Ugh. 511 00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,313 I'm sorry, buddy. You were gone a long time. 512 00:20:46,315 --> 00:20:48,899 I'm just gonna miss 513 00:20:48,901 --> 00:20:51,268 waking up next to Kate every morning. Mmm... 514 00:20:51,270 --> 00:20:55,105 I'm gonna miss driving your fancy sports car. 515 00:20:55,107 --> 00:20:57,441 I'm gonna miss the way she held my hand 516 00:20:57,443 --> 00:20:59,109 when we watched a movie. 517 00:20:59,111 --> 00:21:00,810 I'm gonna miss the way 518 00:21:00,812 --> 00:21:03,030 your underwear felt fresh from the dryer. 519 00:21:05,566 --> 00:21:06,867 I'm taking the brunette. 520 00:21:06,869 --> 00:21:11,869 == sync, corrected by elderman ==