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Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
2
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I am determined
to find someone
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00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:04,809
who wants
to be with me
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00:00:04,811 --> 00:00:06,761
for who I am,
not what I have.
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00:00:06,763 --> 00:00:08,763
You can be whoever you want to be.
Hmm.
6
00:00:08,765 --> 00:00:10,031
I can help you out with that.
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00:00:10,033 --> 00:00:11,032
Sam Wilson.
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00:00:11,034 --> 00:00:12,933
Maybe you could crash here.
9
00:00:12,935 --> 00:00:16,270
I think it is great that you're
working on your computer stuff,
10
00:00:16,272 --> 00:00:17,905
but we need help now.
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00:00:17,907 --> 00:00:20,575
I get it.
Say no more.
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I'll start looking
for a job.
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00:00:22,495 --> 00:00:24,078
Your job's just a way to get by
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till you get your big break
as a designer.
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00:00:25,948 --> 00:00:27,465
What if it
never happens?
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00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:30,026
I want to invest in
your line of clothing.
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Really?
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Pack your bags
for New York,
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00:00:32,589 --> 00:00:35,340
because I am gonna
write you a check
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00:00:35,342 --> 00:00:37,091
for $50,000.
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The stress
of living a lie
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is causing you
to just fall apart.
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You're binge-eating.
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00:00:41,431 --> 00:00:42,563
I'll miss you.
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00:00:42,565 --> 00:00:43,514
I love you, Sam.
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00:00:43,516 --> 00:00:45,483
Hello? Walden?
27
00:00:45,485 --> 00:00:46,651
Why is it so dark in here?
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00:00:46,653 --> 00:00:48,186
Alan, no!
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00:00:52,691 --> 00:00:53,908
Walden.
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00:00:53,910 --> 00:00:54,993
What's happened
to you?
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What do you mean?
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00:00:56,997 --> 00:00:58,312
Uh... okay.
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I-I don't know how
to say this, um...
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but you're either
wearing a child's shirt
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or carrying a child.
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Both options raise concerns.
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Hey, I will not apologize
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for enjoying the art
of fine cuisine.
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Says the guy who has barbecue
sauce all over his back.
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Oh, like I'm the first guy
to fall asleep on a McRib.
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00:01:23,356 --> 00:01:24,772
What are you doing here, Alan?
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I'm worried
about you.
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I haven't seen you
in three weeks.
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Kate's still
in New York.
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00:01:28,862 --> 00:01:30,778
Why are you still
in her apartment?
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I like it here.
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It's comfortable.
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Besides, the beach house
smells like you.
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This place smells like Kate.
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I'll take "things a serial
killer would say" for $200.
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You want to be my next victim?
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Come on, Walden, look at you.
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You're-you're
a disgusting blob.
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I mean, can you even see
your penis past that gut?
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My penis is like Santa Claus.
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I don't need to see it;
I just need to believe in it.
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Well, you know what I believe?
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Living a double life
is killing you.
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00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,890
Well, you don't know
what you're talking about.
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So why don't you just go away?
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00:02:01,227 --> 00:02:02,894
So, you don't think
you need any help?
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I know I don't need any help.
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Fine, then I'll leave.
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00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:11,102
Alan?
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00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:13,571
Yeah?
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I need help.
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Oh, buddy, it's-it's
gonna be okay.
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No, it's not gonna be okay!
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I'm out of control!
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I'm lying to the woman I love!
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And the only thing
I do more than lie
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is eat raw cookie dough.
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And I think I have salmonella.
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Don't worry.
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Alan's here now.
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We're gonna get you...
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00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:40,598
hosed down and...
back in shape
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00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,467
and-and feeling like
your old self again.
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00:02:42,469 --> 00:02:44,051
You think so?
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Oh, absolutely.
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And after we do,
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you're gonna call up Kate
and tell her the truth.
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What? No, I can't.
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You have to.
Why?
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Because the truth will
set you free, and you know it.
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Okay.
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Maybe you're right.
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There you go.
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Plus, it'd be nice to lose
the gut and see my penis again.
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00:03:02,655 --> 00:03:05,823
And I'm sure he'd like
to see you, too.
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00:03:05,825 --> 00:03:08,709
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 10x13 ♪
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
Original Air Date on January 10, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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Getting you back in shape
is not gonna be easy.
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00:03:22,471 --> 00:03:23,803
It's gonna be
a long haul.
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It'll take exercise,
diet and discipline.
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00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:27,974
Don't make such a big deal
about this.
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I look fine.
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00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:31,795
Aw, look who's got
a little belly.
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Let's do this thing.
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♪
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Whoo, that was easy.
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Hey, you.
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00:03:55,787 --> 00:03:56,920
Hi, babe.
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00:03:56,922 --> 00:03:58,671
How's the prep
for the show going?
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Oh, my God,
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everybody here is pretentious,
bitchy and high.
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00:04:04,212 --> 00:04:06,679
I love New York!
110
00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,748
Are you sure you're not
Skyping from heaven?
111
00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:11,801
Because you appear to be
surrounded by half-naked angels.
112
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,622
Oh, yeah,
that's Britté and Inga.
113
00:04:15,624 --> 00:04:18,141
I guess they're done
throwing up their lunch.
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Well, I've got great news.
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I'll be there
tomorrow.
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You do realize they'll be
dressed by then.
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No, I'm coming to see you.
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But if the models
are still there
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and we wind up getting
in a pillow fight
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00:04:30,038 --> 00:04:31,905
in our hotel bed,
then so be it.
121
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Are you really coming?
122
00:04:34,092 --> 00:04:35,274
Yeah.
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00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:37,794
And I got
a big surprise for you.
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00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,896
Oh... Wait, hang on a sec.
125
00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,998
How can you afford
a plane ticket?
126
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,751
Alan is flying me on his jet.
127
00:04:44,753 --> 00:04:47,003
Oh, Alan's coming, too.
128
00:04:47,005 --> 00:04:49,055
Yay.
129
00:04:49,057 --> 00:04:50,640
Don't worry about him.
130
00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:52,008
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
131
00:04:52,010 --> 00:04:53,426
Oh, and do me a favor.
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00:04:53,428 --> 00:04:55,562
Before I get there, make sure
those models have clothes on.
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How do you feel about
naughty school girl outfits?
134
00:04:59,901 --> 00:05:02,402
I find them degrading.
135
00:05:02,404 --> 00:05:03,820
And perfect.
136
00:05:05,023 --> 00:05:07,073
I love you, Sam.
I love you.
137
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,227
So did you tell her?
138
00:05:11,229 --> 00:05:12,745
No.
139
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,647
I want to tell her in person.
140
00:05:14,649 --> 00:05:16,482
So pack
your bags.
141
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,817
We're going to New York.
142
00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:19,085
Me? Why am I going?
143
00:05:19,087 --> 00:05:21,938
This is really scary
for me, Alan.
144
00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:23,339
I need the support of my friend.
145
00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:24,707
Well, you got it.
146
00:05:24,709 --> 00:05:26,376
Thank you.
Uh, uh, Walden?
147
00:05:26,378 --> 00:05:27,877
Yes, I'll cover your expenses.
148
00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:29,796
Great. Um, and...
149
00:05:29,798 --> 00:05:32,048
Yes, I'll give you
per diem.
150
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:36,836
If he ever gets a real friend,
I'm screwed.
151
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,474
Ooh, you know what we
should do in New York?
152
00:05:41,476 --> 00:05:43,476
Go see a musical.
153
00:05:43,478 --> 00:05:45,528
Yeah, maybe.
154
00:05:45,530 --> 00:05:47,447
If I put my life back together.
155
00:05:47,449 --> 00:05:49,649
Of course.
156
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,235
So what are you
thinking, Jersey Boys?
157
00:05:53,037 --> 00:05:55,204
♪ Walk like a man
158
00:05:55,206 --> 00:05:57,874
♪ Talk like a man...
159
00:05:57,876 --> 00:06:00,076
I don't really
have a preference.
160
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,030
Can't go wrong
with Wicked.
161
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,549
Sure.
162
00:06:07,751 --> 00:06:10,637
Then again,
Mamma Mia.
163
00:06:10,639 --> 00:06:12,371
Oh, I can never see
that show enough.
164
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:13,756
I own the movie on Blu-ray.
165
00:06:15,392 --> 00:06:16,559
Two words.
166
00:06:16,561 --> 00:06:18,978
Delightful romp.
167
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,714
You do realize the whole point
of this trip
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00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:24,400
is to tell the woman I love
that I'm actually someone else?
169
00:06:24,402 --> 00:06:26,402
Oh, I get it.
170
00:06:26,404 --> 00:06:29,388
If that story was on Broadway,
I'd see it in a heartbeat.
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00:06:30,324 --> 00:06:31,390
Walden Schmidt in
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00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:34,944
Les Mis-Representation
of Who He Is.
173
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,730
Thanks for
the support.
174
00:06:37,732 --> 00:06:40,450
Oh, come on,
lighten up.
175
00:06:40,452 --> 00:06:42,234
Everything's gonna be fine.
176
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,088
I just hope she doesn't like Sam
more than she likes Walden.
177
00:06:45,090 --> 00:06:46,289
Why would she?
178
00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:48,174
Well, a lot of reasons.
179
00:06:48,176 --> 00:06:50,877
One, Sam's better in bed.
What?
180
00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:52,128
He tries harder.
181
00:06:52,130 --> 00:06:53,713
He has to compensate
182
00:06:53,715 --> 00:06:55,348
for all the other things
he doesn't have.
183
00:06:55,350 --> 00:06:57,350
He's banging scared.
184
00:06:57,352 --> 00:07:01,304
If that's true, I'd be
the best lay on the planet.
185
00:07:01,306 --> 00:07:03,556
I just don't want to lose her.
186
00:07:03,558 --> 00:07:05,424
Oh, you won't.
187
00:07:07,061 --> 00:07:11,698
But it's fun to lose yourself
in the magic of Broadway.
188
00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,499
Alan.
189
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,867
Fine.
190
00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:18,538
Well, it's too bad
you're in a relationship.
191
00:07:18,540 --> 00:07:22,041
Kate's show will be packed
with half-naked supermodels.
192
00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:23,126
S-Supermodels?
193
00:07:23,128 --> 00:07:24,210
Yeah.
194
00:07:24,212 --> 00:07:25,878
Wow.
195
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,463
Excuse me
a second.
196
00:07:27,465 --> 00:07:29,415
I'm gonna
make a call.
197
00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:31,417
My girl.
198
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:34,470
Hey, Lyndsey.
199
00:07:34,472 --> 00:07:36,589
Hey, what's up?
200
00:07:38,092 --> 00:07:40,760
I'm flying to New York City.
201
00:07:40,762 --> 00:07:43,012
A fashion show,
maybe take in a musical.
202
00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:45,648
Ah. Guys' weekend.
203
00:07:45,650 --> 00:07:47,684
Yes, exactly.
204
00:07:47,686 --> 00:07:49,468
Um, so anyhow,
I just wanted to...
205
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,521
make sure you still love me.
206
00:07:51,523 --> 00:07:53,940
Of course I do.
Why would you even ask?
207
00:07:53,942 --> 00:07:55,825
Well, you know, I'm on a plane.
208
00:07:55,827 --> 00:07:57,910
You know, anything can happen
at any time.
209
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:58,978
Don't worry, Alan.
210
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:00,163
I love you.
211
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,188
And we're gonna be
together forever.
212
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,666
O-Okay, sweetie.
213
00:08:03,668 --> 00:08:05,818
I-I love you, too. Bye-bye.
214
00:08:06,837 --> 00:08:08,788
Son of a bitch.
215
00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:14,794
Oh, my. Oh, my.
216
00:08:14,796 --> 00:08:16,612
Oh... oh, gee.
217
00:08:16,614 --> 00:08:18,715
So... so tall. So...
218
00:08:18,717 --> 00:08:20,349
So very tall.
219
00:08:20,351 --> 00:08:23,502
Oh. Oh, that-that...
that's an 11.
220
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,605
And... and now
we've got a... a 12.
221
00:08:25,607 --> 00:08:27,506
Oh, God, can you
believe this?
222
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,609
All these beautiful women,
and I'm off the market.
223
00:08:29,611 --> 00:08:32,528
Yeah, 'cause that's what
models are looking for:
224
00:08:32,530 --> 00:08:35,014
a middle-aged, twice
divorced, broke-ass guy
225
00:08:35,016 --> 00:08:37,116
who lives in a guest room
with a dehumidifier
226
00:08:37,118 --> 00:08:38,701
and my old tax returns.
227
00:08:38,703 --> 00:08:41,687
Ooh, "I make enough money
to pay taxes."
228
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,740
Rub my nose in it.
229
00:08:43,742 --> 00:08:44,874
I'm sorry.
230
00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:46,375
I'm just nervous.
231
00:08:46,377 --> 00:08:48,044
I don't know if
I can do this.
232
00:08:48,046 --> 00:08:49,462
I feel like
I'm gonna puke.
233
00:08:49,464 --> 00:08:50,747
Well, this is
the place for it.
234
00:08:50,749 --> 00:08:52,832
Grab a feather
and get in line.
235
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:53,866
Sam!
236
00:08:53,868 --> 00:08:56,252
Hi, Kate.
237
00:08:56,254 --> 00:08:57,837
Hi.
238
00:08:57,839 --> 00:09:00,556
Alan, it's so good to...
239
00:09:01,592 --> 00:09:03,259
Alan!
240
00:09:03,261 --> 00:09:05,511
I'm very, very
happy for you.
241
00:09:05,513 --> 00:09:06,679
I hope this fashion show
brings you
242
00:09:06,681 --> 00:09:08,431
all the success in the world.
Thank you.
243
00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:10,566
Why don't I leave
the two of you alone
244
00:09:10,568 --> 00:09:12,735
while I fill my head
with images to think of
245
00:09:12,737 --> 00:09:14,987
when I'm having sex
with the woman I love.
246
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,525
I am so happy
you're here.
247
00:09:19,527 --> 00:09:21,560
Are you kidding? I wouldn't
miss it for the world.
248
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,779
So, what's this big surprise
249
00:09:22,781 --> 00:09:25,081
you had to fly all the way
to New York to talk to me about?
250
00:09:25,083 --> 00:09:26,833
Yeah... the surprise.
251
00:09:26,835 --> 00:09:28,451
That's...
252
00:09:28,453 --> 00:09:31,120
Okay, uh...
253
00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:32,088
close your eyes.
254
00:09:32,090 --> 00:09:34,406
All right.
255
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:37,960
Kate, I'd like you to
meet Walden Schmidt.
256
00:09:42,217 --> 00:09:43,299
I don't understand.
257
00:09:43,301 --> 00:09:45,468
My name's not
Sam Wilson.
258
00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:47,270
It's Walden Schmidt.
259
00:09:47,272 --> 00:09:48,938
What?
260
00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:51,107
♪ Walk like a man
261
00:09:51,109 --> 00:09:53,442
♪ Talk like a man
262
00:09:53,444 --> 00:09:57,363
♪ Walk like a man, my son
263
00:09:57,365 --> 00:09:59,398
♪ No woman's worth ♪
264
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,067
♪ Crawling on the earth...
265
00:10:08,318 --> 00:10:09,718
Wait a sec.
266
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,887
Your name's not Sam Wilson?
267
00:10:11,889 --> 00:10:14,140
No.
268
00:10:14,142 --> 00:10:16,208
And I'm not broke, either.
269
00:10:17,344 --> 00:10:18,911
I have a lot of money.
270
00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:22,048
In fact, I have
more than a lot.
271
00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:24,417
Like, think about
a lot of money,
272
00:10:24,419 --> 00:10:26,202
and then multiply
it by ten...
273
00:10:27,237 --> 00:10:29,205
...thousand.
274
00:10:29,207 --> 00:10:31,624
But how is this possible?
275
00:10:31,626 --> 00:10:33,376
You worked at
a Christmas tree lot.
276
00:10:33,378 --> 00:10:34,894
You didn't chip in on the rent.
277
00:10:34,896 --> 00:10:37,847
I saw you use toilet paper
as a coffee filter.
278
00:10:37,849 --> 00:10:39,849
That's only because
the day before
279
00:10:39,851 --> 00:10:42,018
I used the last coffee
filter as toilet paper.
280
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:43,519
Okay.
281
00:10:43,521 --> 00:10:46,088
Why are you
doing this, Sam?
282
00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:48,140
It's not Sam.
It's Walden.
283
00:10:48,142 --> 00:10:49,425
Okay, whatever your name is,
284
00:10:49,427 --> 00:10:52,445
why would you lie
about who you are?
285
00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:55,231
Because I wanted to meet
someone like you.
286
00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:57,149
Someone who's kind
287
00:10:57,151 --> 00:10:58,868
and genuine and sweet
288
00:10:58,870 --> 00:11:00,453
and not after my money.
289
00:11:00,455 --> 00:11:03,789
Someone that I felt like I had
a real connection with.
290
00:11:03,791 --> 00:11:06,625
So, to make sure
you could trust me,
291
00:11:06,627 --> 00:11:07,910
you lied to me?
292
00:11:07,912 --> 00:11:09,445
I'm really sorry.
293
00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:11,113
I-I got caught up in it,
294
00:11:11,115 --> 00:11:13,749
and then I-I couldn't figure out
how to get out, and it...
295
00:11:13,751 --> 00:11:17,619
Trust me, you are the most
amazing person I've ever met.
296
00:11:17,621 --> 00:11:21,790
I love you whether I'm
Sam Wilson or Walden Schmidt.
297
00:11:21,792 --> 00:11:23,459
Well, good for you.
298
00:11:23,461 --> 00:11:26,896
Unfortunately, I have no idea
who Walden Schmidt is.
299
00:11:26,898 --> 00:11:29,615
Kate, wait.
300
00:11:29,617 --> 00:11:30,966
You know what?
301
00:11:30,968 --> 00:11:35,137
This whole time, I thought
he was the douche.
302
00:11:35,139 --> 00:11:37,523
Turns out you're
the douche.
303
00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:44,530
Unbelievable.
304
00:11:44,532 --> 00:11:46,648
She likes me.
305
00:11:52,456 --> 00:11:53,789
How you doing?
306
00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:57,460
I've been better.
307
00:11:57,462 --> 00:11:59,595
Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.
308
00:11:59,597 --> 00:12:01,714
You know what might
cheer you up?
309
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:04,016
There are still tickets
310
00:12:04,018 --> 00:12:06,335
for tonight's performance
of Jersey Boys.
311
00:12:06,337 --> 00:12:09,004
We're not going to Jersey Boys.
312
00:12:09,006 --> 00:12:10,689
Oh, I totally get it.
313
00:12:10,691 --> 00:12:12,224
Lion King it is.
314
00:12:12,226 --> 00:12:14,810
We're not going
to any musical at all.
315
00:12:14,812 --> 00:12:16,228
Fine.
316
00:12:17,514 --> 00:12:20,182
I just don't understand why
we both have to be depressed.
317
00:12:20,184 --> 00:12:23,152
I don't think she's
ever going to forgive me.
318
00:12:24,404 --> 00:12:25,538
Why would she?
319
00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,624
I mean, I lied to her
about everything.
320
00:12:28,626 --> 00:12:31,160
I don't want to give
anything away
321
00:12:31,162 --> 00:12:33,245
in case you change
your mind and we do go,
322
00:12:33,247 --> 00:12:34,914
but...
323
00:12:34,916 --> 00:12:37,500
when Simba lies to his friends
324
00:12:37,502 --> 00:12:41,003
by not telling them
that he's the Lion King,
325
00:12:41,005 --> 00:12:42,338
they forgive him
326
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:45,474
after a few short but snappy
dance numbers.
327
00:12:45,476 --> 00:12:48,844
Life is not a musical, Alan.
328
00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:51,046
So knock it off.
329
00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:53,349
See, that wouldn't
have hurt so much
330
00:12:53,351 --> 00:12:55,017
if you'd sung it.
331
00:12:55,019 --> 00:12:58,404
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just upset.
332
00:12:59,406 --> 00:13:01,991
I mean, I did
what I did for love.
333
00:13:03,910 --> 00:13:05,694
Am I really that bad of a guy?
334
00:13:06,948 --> 00:13:08,998
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
335
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,916
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
336
00:13:10,918 --> 00:13:14,086
♪ You broke that
poor girl's heart ♪
337
00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:15,838
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
338
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,023
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
339
00:13:18,025 --> 00:13:21,210
♪ You should have told the truth
right from the start ♪
340
00:13:21,212 --> 00:13:22,862
♪ But my intentions were good
341
00:13:22,864 --> 00:13:25,014
♪ I was no slave to my wood
342
00:13:25,016 --> 00:13:28,350
♪ I wanted her to love me
for me ♪
343
00:13:28,352 --> 00:13:30,002
♪ He does have lots of riches
344
00:13:30,004 --> 00:13:33,556
♪ Which attracts
a lot of bitches ♪
345
00:13:33,558 --> 00:13:36,192
♪ Thank you, Alan,
but you'll never be on Glee ♪
346
00:13:36,194 --> 00:13:38,894
Aw, crap.
♪ If I may throw in my two cents ♪
347
00:13:38,896 --> 00:13:40,896
♪ Your love was based
on a pretense ♪
348
00:13:40,898 --> 00:13:44,433
♪ Your relationship
with Mother is to blame ♪
349
00:13:44,435 --> 00:13:45,934
♪ You didn't suckle
on her boobies ♪
350
00:13:45,936 --> 00:13:47,769
♪ You self-medicate
with doobies ♪
351
00:13:47,771 --> 00:13:48,988
♪ Which explains why
352
00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:51,373
♪ you used a made-up name...
Cue the refrain.
353
00:13:51,375 --> 00:13:53,125
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
354
00:13:53,127 --> 00:13:54,793
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
355
00:13:54,795 --> 00:13:58,130
♪ Everything you said
was a lie ♪
356
00:13:58,132 --> 00:14:00,216
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
357
00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:01,800
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
358
00:14:01,802 --> 00:14:04,670
♪ But you're still a really,
really handsome guy ♪
359
00:14:04,672 --> 00:14:05,638
Thank you.
360
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,306
♪ Then what am I to do
361
00:14:07,308 --> 00:14:09,558
♪ So I don't always
live with you? ♪
362
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,011
♪ Wow, that hurts my feelings
363
00:14:12,013 --> 00:14:15,797
♪ But since I live there
beneath your ceilings ♪
364
00:14:15,799 --> 00:14:19,235
♪ I'll bite the pillow
like the prison bitches do ♪
365
00:14:19,237 --> 00:14:20,969
Ooh!
366
00:14:20,971 --> 00:14:22,521
♪ If she gives me
one more chance ♪
367
00:14:22,523 --> 00:14:24,156
♪ We can have a real romance
368
00:14:24,158 --> 00:14:27,576
♪ If she doesn't,
we can party in my pants ♪
369
00:14:27,578 --> 00:14:29,078
♪ 'Scuse me, no disrespect ♪
370
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,146
♪ But I have to interject
371
00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:34,650
♪ What makes you think
you can steal the show? ♪
372
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,169
♪ 'Cause I'm gay ♪
373
00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:39,255
♪ Oh, you're so clearly
from L.A. ♪
374
00:14:39,257 --> 00:14:40,422
♪ Yes, I'm gay ♪
375
00:14:40,424 --> 00:14:42,208
♪ And he will always
be that way ♪
376
00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:43,842
♪ I'm gay ♪
377
00:14:43,844 --> 00:14:45,827
♪ Or as his Jersey friends
would say ♪
378
00:14:45,829 --> 00:14:48,881
♪ A-yo, badda bing,
he's a big ol' 'mo ♪
379
00:14:48,883 --> 00:14:52,184
♪ 'Scuse me, but we seem
to be digressing ♪
380
00:14:52,186 --> 00:14:55,771
♪ And I find it to be
quite distressing ♪
381
00:14:55,773 --> 00:14:58,840
♪ Can we sing about
the problem that's at hand? ♪
382
00:14:58,842 --> 00:15:02,895
♪ Can Kate get over Sam
and love who I am? ♪
383
00:15:02,897 --> 00:15:06,448
You confusin' me for someone
who gives a damn.
384
00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:07,700
So bottom line...
385
00:15:07,702 --> 00:15:09,201
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
386
00:15:09,203 --> 00:15:10,953
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
387
00:15:10,955 --> 00:15:14,022
♪ And I'll die sad and alone ♪
388
00:15:14,024 --> 00:15:15,874
♪ You're a douche,
you're a douche ♪
389
00:15:15,876 --> 00:15:17,459
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
390
00:15:18,629 --> 00:15:20,546
Hold it, everybody,
that's my phone.
391
00:15:21,248 --> 00:15:23,082
Hello? Kate?
392
00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:25,834
You're a douche.
393
00:15:25,836 --> 00:15:27,219
♪ Douche, douche,
douche, douche ♪
394
00:15:27,221 --> 00:15:29,171
♪ Douche-y, douche,
douche, douche... ♪
395
00:15:29,173 --> 00:15:33,008
♪ Douche, you're a douche,
oh, what a douche ♪
396
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:35,894
♪ You couldn't say it meaner,
I'm a big vagina cleaner ♪
397
00:15:35,896 --> 00:15:39,131
♪ Didn't do what I oughta,
I'm vinegar and water ♪
398
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,966
♪ On this we all agree
399
00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:42,268
♪ Oh, yes, we all agree
400
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:45,554
♪ Oh, good, you finally see
to shining sea ♪
401
00:15:45,556 --> 00:15:48,824
♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E,
douche ♪
402
00:15:48,826 --> 00:15:52,060
♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E, douche
403
00:15:52,062 --> 00:15:55,063
♪ Gimme a D-O-U-C-H-E,
douche ♪
404
00:15:55,065 --> 00:15:56,064
Drumroll!
405
00:15:57,668 --> 00:15:59,501
♪ You're a douche ♪
406
00:15:59,503 --> 00:16:00,586
♪ You're a douche ♪
I'm a douche!
407
00:16:00,588 --> 00:16:02,588
♪ Just a big fizzy douche
408
00:16:02,590 --> 00:16:04,790
♪ And that's all I'll ever be ♪
409
00:16:04,792 --> 00:16:05,924
♪ You're a douche ♪
410
00:16:05,926 --> 00:16:07,192
♪ You're a douche ♪
Just a douche!
411
00:16:07,194 --> 00:16:09,295
♪ You're a big fizzy douche ♪
412
00:16:09,297 --> 00:16:14,516
♪ And that's all
you'll ever be ♪
413
00:16:15,201 --> 00:16:18,070
Douche!
414
00:16:18,072 --> 00:16:20,189
Walden.
415
00:16:20,191 --> 00:16:21,490
Walden?
416
00:16:22,943 --> 00:16:24,360
Uh, your phone's ringing.
417
00:16:24,362 --> 00:16:26,261
What...?
418
00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:28,447
Oh.
419
00:16:29,432 --> 00:16:30,566
It's Kate.
420
00:16:32,268 --> 00:16:34,269
Hey, Kate.
421
00:16:35,121 --> 00:16:36,872
Yeah, I can meet.
422
00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:38,774
Yeah, I'll be right there.
423
00:16:38,776 --> 00:16:40,609
Okay.
424
00:16:40,611 --> 00:16:42,077
She wants to see me.
425
00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,580
Here, take care
of the check for me.
426
00:16:44,582 --> 00:16:46,732
Will do.
427
00:16:59,646 --> 00:17:02,064
Douche.
428
00:17:06,269 --> 00:17:07,969
Hey.
429
00:17:07,971 --> 00:17:10,105
Hey.
430
00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:11,490
How'd the show go?
431
00:17:11,492 --> 00:17:13,325
It was pretty amazing, actually.
432
00:17:13,327 --> 00:17:16,995
The buyer from Neiman Marcus
is interested in my stuff.
433
00:17:16,997 --> 00:17:18,914
That's great.
434
00:17:18,916 --> 00:17:20,749
About halfway through the show,
435
00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:22,251
I realized that...
436
00:17:22,253 --> 00:17:25,621
Alan probably didn't pay
for this, did he?
437
00:17:25,623 --> 00:17:26,922
No.
438
00:17:27,974 --> 00:17:30,158
But if the models ask,
throw him a bone.
439
00:17:31,762 --> 00:17:32,961
Thank you.
440
00:17:32,963 --> 00:17:35,497
I'm really sorry.
441
00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:39,017
Do you think that there's
a way that we can...
442
00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:40,436
make this work?
443
00:17:40,438 --> 00:17:42,271
I don't know.
444
00:17:42,273 --> 00:17:44,523
I mean, I trusted you, and...
445
00:17:44,525 --> 00:17:46,174
you didn't trust me.
446
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,062
Now I don't even
know who you are.
447
00:17:50,064 --> 00:17:53,232
Well, if you think about it,
I'm really the same guy.
448
00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,067
I just have a better watch.
449
00:17:55,069 --> 00:17:57,319
And a better car.
450
00:17:57,321 --> 00:17:58,404
A better house.
451
00:17:58,406 --> 00:17:59,405
A better...
452
00:17:59,407 --> 00:18:02,191
jet.
453
00:18:03,911 --> 00:18:06,078
So nothing about you is real.
454
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,831
What's real is that I love you.
455
00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:12,918
Okay, well...
456
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,138
I'm gonna need some time
to process all of this.
457
00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:25,481
So, you think...
458
00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:27,182
maybe when we
get back to L.A...
459
00:18:27,184 --> 00:18:28,350
I'm not going back to L.A.
460
00:18:28,352 --> 00:18:29,551
What?
461
00:18:29,553 --> 00:18:31,737
Yeah, thanks to you, I...
462
00:18:31,739 --> 00:18:33,555
might have a life here now.
463
00:18:33,557 --> 00:18:35,607
Wow.
464
00:18:35,609 --> 00:18:38,277
I didn't think any
of this through, did I?
465
00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:41,196
Apparently not, Walden Smith.
466
00:18:41,198 --> 00:18:43,282
It's actually Schmidt.
467
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,118
You know, it's not important.
468
00:18:47,203 --> 00:18:50,405
So I guess I'll just wait
to hear from you.
469
00:18:50,407 --> 00:18:52,007
I guess so.
470
00:18:53,376 --> 00:18:55,410
Good-bye, Sam.
471
00:19:01,017 --> 00:19:02,468
It's Walden.
472
00:19:02,470 --> 00:19:03,469
Hey.
473
00:19:03,471 --> 00:19:05,737
Look who needs
a ride back to L.A.
474
00:19:05,739 --> 00:19:08,724
Ja, Alan the billionaire's
got a big jet.
475
00:19:10,109 --> 00:19:12,478
It slipped out while they
were running away from me.
476
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,614
♪ Men. ♪
477
00:19:23,214 --> 00:19:25,048
Ooh, too much champagne!
478
00:19:27,269 --> 00:19:29,870
They are... awfully pretty.
479
00:19:29,872 --> 00:19:32,039
Yeah.
480
00:19:32,041 --> 00:19:33,723
You, uh... you gonna?
481
00:19:36,611 --> 00:19:38,745
Nah, I'm not interested.
482
00:19:38,747 --> 00:19:39,947
Oh, me, neither.
483
00:19:39,949 --> 00:19:41,698
You know, I have a girlfriend.
484
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,568
But, you know,
if we could, uh,
485
00:19:44,570 --> 00:19:46,286
which, uh... which one
would you choose?
486
00:19:50,291 --> 00:19:51,458
Probably the brunette.
487
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:53,877
Really? The brunette?
488
00:19:53,879 --> 00:19:55,712
Oh, you want the brunette?
489
00:19:55,714 --> 00:19:57,414
Oh, me? No, I...
490
00:19:57,416 --> 00:20:00,083
I said, you know...
the aforementioned girlfriend.
491
00:20:02,687 --> 00:20:04,605
Although Lyndsey is a blonde,
492
00:20:04,607 --> 00:20:08,091
and the brunette would make
a very nice palate cleanser.
493
00:20:09,294 --> 00:20:11,528
You know, uh, uh...
hypothetically.
494
00:20:11,530 --> 00:20:13,196
Fine.
495
00:20:13,198 --> 00:20:14,364
You can have the brunette.
496
00:20:14,366 --> 00:20:15,432
Hypothetically.
497
00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:16,984
If we're talking hypothetically,
498
00:20:16,986 --> 00:20:19,369
it's my plane, you're not here,
and I'm taking them both.
499
00:20:21,239 --> 00:20:23,073
Right. Are we
done with this?
500
00:20:23,075 --> 00:20:25,275
Hypothetically.
501
00:20:26,444 --> 00:20:28,078
So, uh, I assume you're
502
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,379
moving back into
the beach house.
503
00:20:29,381 --> 00:20:30,831
Yeah.
Good. Good.
504
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:32,382
The place felt
empty without you.
505
00:20:32,384 --> 00:20:33,333
Oh, please.
506
00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:34,668
You loved every minute of it.
507
00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:36,470
I did. I really did.
508
00:20:36,472 --> 00:20:39,789
I got to tell you,
your bed ruined me.
509
00:20:39,791 --> 00:20:42,175
And I ruined it.
510
00:20:42,177 --> 00:20:43,677
Ugh.
511
00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,313
I'm sorry, buddy.
You were gone a long time.
512
00:20:46,315 --> 00:20:48,899
I'm just gonna miss
513
00:20:48,901 --> 00:20:51,268
waking up next to Kate
every morning. Mmm...
514
00:20:51,270 --> 00:20:55,105
I'm gonna miss driving
your fancy sports car.
515
00:20:55,107 --> 00:20:57,441
I'm gonna miss
the way she held my hand
516
00:20:57,443 --> 00:20:59,109
when we watched a movie.
517
00:20:59,111 --> 00:21:00,810
I'm gonna miss the way
518
00:21:00,812 --> 00:21:03,030
your underwear felt
fresh from the dryer.
519
00:21:05,566 --> 00:21:06,867
I'm taking the brunette.
520
00:21:06,869 --> 00:21:11,869
== sync, corrected by elderman ==