00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:20,736 Are you happy? 2 00:00:20,738 --> 00:00:23,539 I was before you ate that last garlic knot. 3 00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:25,675 Oh, I'm serious. I mean, don't you think 4 00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:27,443 our relationship has become a little bit predictable? 5 00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,745 Predictable? Yes. 6 00:00:29,747 --> 00:00:32,381 Why do you ask? Well, I was thinking 7 00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:34,617 that maybe we could spice things up a little. 8 00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:37,053 What'd you have in mind? 9 00:00:37,055 --> 00:00:39,055 Well, um... 10 00:00:39,057 --> 00:00:42,126 I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey. 11 00:00:42,128 --> 00:00:43,594 Oh. 12 00:00:43,596 --> 00:00:48,365 And I have some silk scarves and, uh, some duct tape. 13 00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:50,367 Do you see this taking place in a bedroom 14 00:00:50,369 --> 00:00:52,803 or the back of a panel van? 15 00:00:52,805 --> 00:00:54,638 I don't know. I'm only halfway through the book. 16 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,574 Forget the book. 17 00:00:56,576 --> 00:00:59,310 What about you? Do you have any fantasies? 18 00:00:59,312 --> 00:01:00,644 Ugh, of course I do. 19 00:01:00,646 --> 00:01:03,347 If lived only my regular life, I'd eat a rifle. 20 00:01:03,349 --> 00:01:05,115 Tell me one. 21 00:01:05,117 --> 00:01:07,685 Well, I... 22 00:01:07,687 --> 00:01:09,921 guess I always wanted to... 23 00:01:09,923 --> 00:01:12,757 take some naughty pictures of you. 24 00:01:12,759 --> 00:01:14,759 We could do that. Really? 25 00:01:14,761 --> 00:01:17,762 Yeah, why not? There's already a lot available online. 26 00:01:20,633 --> 00:01:21,933 What else? 27 00:01:21,935 --> 00:01:23,735 Oh, well, I-I-I guess 28 00:01:23,737 --> 00:01:27,004 it's a-a cliché for a guy, but, um... 29 00:01:27,006 --> 00:01:30,275 I've always wanted to have a-a threesome. 30 00:01:30,277 --> 00:01:31,943 Okay. 31 00:01:31,945 --> 00:01:33,544 Now, I know it's silly. I know. 32 00:01:33,546 --> 00:01:35,646 No, I mean, okay, we can do it. 33 00:01:36,949 --> 00:01:38,616 If you are messing with me, 34 00:01:38,618 --> 00:01:41,519 there is no way I will ever forgive you! 35 00:01:41,521 --> 00:01:44,022 I'm not messing with you. 36 00:01:44,024 --> 00:01:45,724 Seriously, we can have a threesome? 37 00:01:45,726 --> 00:01:48,560 - Come on, you'd do the same for me. - Of course I would. 38 00:01:48,562 --> 00:01:50,829 Good, 'cause I have a fantasy of my own. 39 00:01:50,831 --> 00:01:52,931 Oh, hmm, lay it on me, baby. 40 00:01:52,933 --> 00:01:55,334 I want to have a threesome also. 41 00:01:55,336 --> 00:01:57,236 See? See? 42 00:01:57,238 --> 00:02:00,339 This is why communication is so important in a relationship. 43 00:02:00,341 --> 00:02:01,741 I mean, two minutes ago 44 00:02:01,743 --> 00:02:03,609 I didn't care if you lived or died. 45 00:02:03,611 --> 00:02:08,914 Now I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman. 46 00:02:08,916 --> 00:02:10,215 You complete me, 47 00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,717 but add another chick and I'll complete myself. 48 00:02:12,719 --> 00:02:14,486 Great! 49 00:02:14,488 --> 00:02:15,888 So what's your pleasure, treasure? 50 00:02:15,890 --> 00:02:16,922 Blonde? Brunette? 51 00:02:16,924 --> 00:02:18,891 Someone with a little junk in the trunk? 52 00:02:18,893 --> 00:02:20,058 No, no. 53 00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:22,294 In my threesome, there's you, me, Mm-hmm? 54 00:02:22,296 --> 00:02:24,129 and another guy. 55 00:02:32,673 --> 00:02:34,740 An-Another guy? 56 00:02:34,742 --> 00:02:35,741 Yep. 57 00:02:35,743 --> 00:02:38,644 Boy, I don't know. 58 00:02:38,646 --> 00:02:40,513 Uh... 59 00:02:40,515 --> 00:02:44,518 I mean, I-I never thought about it, you know, that-that way. 60 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,921 Four balls, two bats and one mitt. Uh... 61 00:02:47,923 --> 00:02:50,190 Could be fun. 62 00:02:50,192 --> 00:02:53,626 Yeah, yeah, but, uh, who would the other guy even be? 63 00:02:53,628 --> 00:02:56,196 Hey. 64 00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,502 Oh, crap. 65 00:03:02,504 --> 00:03:05,338 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 66 00:03:05,340 --> 00:03:08,575 ♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ 67 00:03:08,577 --> 00:03:11,745 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ 68 00:03:11,747 --> 00:03:13,881 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪ 69 00:03:13,883 --> 00:03:16,384 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 70 00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:19,420 ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 71 00:03:19,422 --> 00:03:23,384 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 72 00:03:23,484 --> 00:03:27,484 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x03 ♪ Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt Original Air Date on October 11, 2012 73 00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:31,485 == sync, corrected by elderman == 74 00:03:33,823 --> 00:03:35,191 ♪ Men. ♪ 75 00:03:35,193 --> 00:03:37,826 So, you want to have a threesome with me and Walden? 76 00:03:37,828 --> 00:03:40,196 You have your fantasy; I have mine. 77 00:03:40,198 --> 00:03:43,333 Yeah, but mine's a traditional, wholesome three-way. 78 00:03:43,335 --> 00:03:47,471 You, me and an anonymous drunken slut, the way God intended. 79 00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:51,941 Walden is a friend. Plus, we see him all the time. 80 00:03:51,943 --> 00:03:53,977 So? So it'll be awkward. 81 00:03:53,979 --> 00:03:55,056 Not for me. 82 00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,981 I-I just don't think it's a good time. 83 00:03:56,982 --> 00:03:58,882 I mean, he just broke up with Zoey, 84 00:03:58,884 --> 00:04:00,617 and he's feeling very vulnerable right now. 85 00:04:00,619 --> 00:04:01,952 I think this would help. 86 00:04:01,954 --> 00:04:03,820 You know, he needs to get back on the horse, 87 00:04:03,822 --> 00:04:06,256 and in this case, neigh! 88 00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:09,459 Do we have a deal? 89 00:04:11,295 --> 00:04:14,097 All right, after we have mine, we will approach Walden... 90 00:04:14,099 --> 00:04:16,466 - No, no, no, no. I go first. - Why? 91 00:04:16,468 --> 00:04:17,567 Speaking from experience, 92 00:04:17,569 --> 00:04:19,935 once you get yours, I'll never get mine. 93 00:04:22,406 --> 00:04:25,742 I am offended... 94 00:04:25,744 --> 00:04:29,645 that you would insinuate that I would break a sacred trust. 95 00:04:29,647 --> 00:04:32,848 I love you, Lyndsey, and if you can't believe in me, 96 00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:35,351 then-then we have bigger problems in our relationship 97 00:04:35,353 --> 00:04:38,154 than whose dirty, nasty hump-fest we have first. 98 00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:40,389 Take it or leave it. 99 00:04:42,694 --> 00:04:44,927 Take it. 100 00:04:46,029 --> 00:04:48,497 Oh, I plan to. 101 00:04:48,499 --> 00:04:51,534 ♪ Men. ♪ 102 00:04:55,206 --> 00:04:57,740 Gorgeous day, isn't it? 103 00:04:57,742 --> 00:05:01,176 Wonder what the poor people are doing. 104 00:05:01,178 --> 00:05:04,679 One of them is asking me what the poor people are doing. 105 00:05:04,681 --> 00:05:08,049 Rich, good-looking, and funny. 106 00:05:08,051 --> 00:05:11,920 God certainly gave with three hands. 107 00:05:11,922 --> 00:05:15,123 Hey, speaking of three hands, um... 108 00:05:15,125 --> 00:05:17,726 there's, uh, something I-I need to ask you. 109 00:05:17,728 --> 00:05:19,195 Sure. 110 00:05:19,197 --> 00:05:22,365 Oh, boy, where do I start? Uh... 111 00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,067 Okay, here's the deal. Um, 112 00:05:24,069 --> 00:05:27,437 things with Lyndsey and me have gotten a little stale, uh, 113 00:05:27,439 --> 00:05:29,972 sexually speaking. Everything is by the numbers. 114 00:05:29,974 --> 00:05:33,142 I get it. You're skipping right from 68 to 70. 115 00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:35,511 Exactly, exactly. 116 00:05:35,513 --> 00:05:38,981 Um, anyhoo, uh... 117 00:05:38,983 --> 00:05:40,449 we've come up with a solution. 118 00:05:40,451 --> 00:05:41,884 What's that? 119 00:05:41,886 --> 00:05:46,256 We're going to have a, uh, a threesome. 120 00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:47,491 Really? 121 00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:51,294 What? She agreed to that? Yep. 122 00:05:51,296 --> 00:05:52,929 Dude, way to go! 123 00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,933 Yeah, yeah, it's great. 124 00:05:55,935 --> 00:05:57,935 Um, the thing is, um, 125 00:05:57,937 --> 00:06:01,939 Lyndsey wants to have a sausage fest before the clambake. 126 00:06:04,343 --> 00:06:05,342 That's clever. 127 00:06:05,344 --> 00:06:06,477 Yeah. 128 00:06:06,479 --> 00:06:08,612 Yeah, she-she has this crazy idea 129 00:06:08,614 --> 00:06:10,548 that before I have my threesome, 130 00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:13,117 she wants to have one of her own. 131 00:06:13,119 --> 00:06:14,652 Whoa, what, hold on, w... 132 00:06:14,654 --> 00:06:16,587 she wants to have a threesome without you? 133 00:06:16,589 --> 00:06:19,223 Oh, no, no, I'm gonna be there, uh, uh, but with... 134 00:06:19,225 --> 00:06:20,891 another guy. 135 00:06:20,893 --> 00:06:21,926 Huh. 136 00:06:21,928 --> 00:06:25,096 Yeah, and the-the really crazy part is... 137 00:06:26,264 --> 00:06:30,635 ...um, uh, that she wants the other guy, 138 00:06:30,637 --> 00:06:34,204 uh, to be, um, you. 139 00:06:37,576 --> 00:06:38,910 Okay. 140 00:06:38,912 --> 00:06:42,013 Yeah, now, I-I-I told her that there was no way... 141 00:06:42,015 --> 00:06:43,448 Oh, no, no, no, I'm in. 142 00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:47,185 Wh-What? What? You're in? 143 00:06:47,187 --> 00:06:49,021 Yeah, sure. It sounds like fun. 144 00:06:49,023 --> 00:06:51,123 You know, now that Zoey and I aren't together, 145 00:06:51,125 --> 00:06:54,060 I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be doing my own thing. 146 00:06:54,062 --> 00:06:56,162 And Lyndsey's own thing. 147 00:06:56,164 --> 00:06:59,633 Probably not your own thing. Well, a-are you sure? 148 00:06:59,635 --> 00:07:01,334 Why not? Time to shake things up, 149 00:07:01,336 --> 00:07:03,337 get out of my comfort zone, you know? 150 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,839 Maybe slip into your comfort zone. 151 00:07:06,841 --> 00:07:07,908 Get it? 152 00:07:09,611 --> 00:07:11,179 I got it. 153 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:14,182 Well, I guess... I guess I should let Lyndsey know. 154 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:17,219 Um, she'll be thrilled. 155 00:07:17,221 --> 00:07:19,021 As am I. 156 00:07:19,023 --> 00:07:20,222 Yay. 157 00:07:20,224 --> 00:07:22,191 Hey, wait. Do y... 158 00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:23,692 you want to do this, right? 159 00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,093 Oh, oh, absolutely. Uh, you know, 160 00:07:25,095 --> 00:07:28,196 I'm-I'm very open-minded, uh, about sexual matters. 161 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,966 After all, I-I did grow up during the sexual revolution. 162 00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:33,768 Well, technically, a-a few years after, but there were still 163 00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:37,438 condoms and diaphragms layin' all over the place. 164 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,574 Oh, and, uh, just a heads-up, 165 00:07:39,576 --> 00:07:42,610 um... exit only. 166 00:07:43,845 --> 00:07:46,380 Nope, not even a thumb. 167 00:07:49,651 --> 00:07:51,519 ♪ Men. ♪ 168 00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:55,623 I am so happy you said yes. 169 00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:57,358 I am honored you asked. 170 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,493 Aren't you adorable? 171 00:07:59,495 --> 00:08:01,061 Not as adorable as you. 172 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,965 Yeah, yeah, we're all adorable. 173 00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:05,599 Um... 174 00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:08,002 Let's... W-W-We need to establish some ground rules. 175 00:08:08,004 --> 00:08:09,503 Sure, like what? 176 00:08:09,505 --> 00:08:12,573 Uh, well, uh, for instance, uh, there are a few things 177 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:16,077 that I happen to know Lyndsey is not exactly fond of doing. 178 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,313 No, I'm good. 179 00:08:19,182 --> 00:08:21,249 R-Really? You're good? 180 00:08:21,951 --> 00:08:23,685 With everything? 181 00:08:23,687 --> 00:08:26,321 Even the Philadelphia Dump Truck? 182 00:08:26,323 --> 00:08:28,490 Back it up. 183 00:08:28,492 --> 00:08:30,659 Beep, beep, beep, beep. 184 00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:34,697 Anything else? 185 00:08:34,699 --> 00:08:37,065 Uh, well, I guess this goes without saying, 186 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,701 but, uh, you know, we're not making Band-Aids here, 187 00:08:39,703 --> 00:08:42,203 so Johnson should never meet Johnson, so... 188 00:08:42,205 --> 00:08:44,605 True. 189 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,174 Two dongs don't make a right. 190 00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,883 Oh, oh, and speaking of, um, 191 00:08:54,885 --> 00:08:58,720 if you have any desire to stick your tongue in my mouth, 192 00:08:58,722 --> 00:08:59,955 just stick your tongue 193 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:00,990 in her mouth, 194 00:09:00,992 --> 00:09:02,258 and then she'll stick her tongue 195 00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:04,727 in my mouth, and we'll consider the circle complete. 196 00:09:07,097 --> 00:09:08,431 Fine. 197 00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:09,932 It's your loss. 198 00:09:11,835 --> 00:09:15,204 I would like to propose a toast. 199 00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:17,606 Oh! 200 00:09:17,608 --> 00:09:20,976 Friends may come and friends may go, 201 00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:24,547 friends may peter out, you know. 202 00:09:24,549 --> 00:09:27,550 But here's to us, through thick and thin, 203 00:09:27,552 --> 00:09:29,986 peter out and peter in. 204 00:09:33,257 --> 00:09:34,891 Hear, hear. 205 00:09:36,594 --> 00:09:38,094 Cheers. 206 00:09:38,096 --> 00:09:40,230 So, what do you say? 207 00:09:40,232 --> 00:09:42,398 Let's get these balls rollin'. 208 00:09:44,635 --> 00:09:46,736 ♪ Men. ♪ 209 00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:14,733 This is okay, what we're doing, right? 210 00:10:14,735 --> 00:10:16,835 W-We're all consenting adults. 211 00:10:16,837 --> 00:10:18,103 Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. 212 00:10:18,105 --> 00:10:19,671 Sure. 213 00:10:19,673 --> 00:10:23,008 I mean, you know, if one of us was mentally impaired, 214 00:10:23,010 --> 00:10:25,577 then the-the consent might be suspect. 215 00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:29,648 True. I mean, i-if you were required 216 00:10:29,650 --> 00:10:31,583 to wear a helmet or... 217 00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:34,986 have a service dog... 218 00:10:34,988 --> 00:10:37,956 that might be construed as taking advantage. 219 00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,658 Yeah, yeah, but everybody here 220 00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:41,326 knows what they're getting into, so... 221 00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:45,030 Yeah, no one's taking their pants off for a candy bar. 222 00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:47,465 Or absolution. 223 00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:51,769 Um, so, listen, uh, 224 00:10:51,771 --> 00:10:55,240 don't feel obligated to bring your "A" game today, okay? 225 00:10:55,242 --> 00:10:57,008 My "A" game? 226 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:59,144 Yeah, I mean, what I'm saying is 227 00:10:59,146 --> 00:11:00,545 you're younger than I am; 228 00:11:00,547 --> 00:11:03,348 you're prettier than I am; there's more... 229 00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:06,151 of you than there is of me. 230 00:11:07,954 --> 00:11:09,287 What do you want me to do? 231 00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:10,355 Well, I'm just saying, 232 00:11:10,357 --> 00:11:11,589 we're playing on a public course here. 233 00:11:11,591 --> 00:11:13,090 Spot me a couple of strokes. 234 00:11:16,028 --> 00:11:17,729 You just be the maypole 235 00:11:17,731 --> 00:11:21,031 and let her run around with the ribbons. 236 00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:24,201 No, no, that is not my style. 237 00:11:24,203 --> 00:11:25,669 I'm very aggressive. 238 00:11:26,538 --> 00:11:27,871 I'm in it to win it. 239 00:11:29,408 --> 00:11:32,709 What do you think, boys? 240 00:11:32,711 --> 00:11:35,713 I am definitely gonna win it. 241 00:11:35,715 --> 00:11:38,782 Oh, yeah, well, we'll see about that. 242 00:11:38,784 --> 00:11:40,284 Uh, you do look beautiful, darling. 243 00:11:40,286 --> 00:11:41,586 Yeah, thanks. 244 00:11:41,588 --> 00:11:44,055 Ooh. 245 00:11:48,727 --> 00:11:51,262 This is probably bad to say, 246 00:11:51,264 --> 00:11:53,898 but Zoey had an outfit like that 247 00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:54,966 she used to wear all the time. 248 00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:57,068 Well, not all the time. 249 00:11:57,070 --> 00:11:59,537 Just when we were having sex. 250 00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:01,572 Which was pretty much all the time. 251 00:12:01,574 --> 00:12:05,042 I'm sorry, sweetie. 252 00:12:05,044 --> 00:12:08,313 Oh, I guess we're starting, okay, uh, um... 253 00:12:16,522 --> 00:12:21,159 You know, I-I, um, I not only loved Zoey. 254 00:12:21,161 --> 00:12:22,894 I also loved her daughter. 255 00:12:22,896 --> 00:12:27,065 That is beautiful. 256 00:12:37,010 --> 00:12:39,011 I kinda thought we were gonna be family. 257 00:12:39,013 --> 00:12:41,680 We're your family now. 258 00:12:41,682 --> 00:12:44,650 I'm starting to feel a little like a very distant cousin. 259 00:12:49,323 --> 00:12:52,625 I miss her so much. 260 00:12:54,795 --> 00:12:57,897 I'd have given odds that I'd be the one crying. 261 00:12:57,899 --> 00:12:59,632 ♪ Men. ♪ 262 00:13:05,413 --> 00:13:07,047 ♪ Men. ♪ 263 00:13:07,049 --> 00:13:08,882 Walden, you doing okay in there? 264 00:13:08,884 --> 00:13:12,185 I'm good. I just need a second. 265 00:13:13,922 --> 00:13:15,822 Maybe this just isn't meant to be. 266 00:13:15,824 --> 00:13:16,890 Why not? 267 00:13:16,892 --> 00:13:18,491 The man is clearly upset. 268 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:21,261 Oh, boo-hoo. 269 00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:27,034 I'm really sorry. 270 00:13:27,036 --> 00:13:29,736 Hey, no need to apologize. In fact, 271 00:13:29,738 --> 00:13:32,572 if it would help, you can close your eyes and pretend I'm Zoey. 272 00:13:32,574 --> 00:13:33,640 Really? 273 00:13:33,642 --> 00:13:35,208 Of course. 274 00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:36,809 Um, should I pretend you're somebody else? 275 00:13:36,811 --> 00:13:38,811 Do whatever you want. 276 00:13:41,214 --> 00:13:42,381 That's a good idea. 277 00:13:42,383 --> 00:13:43,516 Let's-let's try that. 278 00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:46,084 Attaboy. Okay. 279 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,052 Mmm. 280 00:13:52,224 --> 00:13:53,624 Oh, Zoey. 281 00:13:53,626 --> 00:13:54,992 Oh, Walden, 282 00:13:54,994 --> 00:13:59,296 give me a good shagging, won't you? 283 00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:01,931 I can't. 284 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,434 I can't do this! 285 00:14:04,436 --> 00:14:07,871 "Give us a good shagging, won't you? " 286 00:14:07,873 --> 00:14:10,440 What? That's a thing. 287 00:14:10,442 --> 00:14:12,008 Doesn't matter. 288 00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:14,277 Let's just make sure we don't get a crybaby for my threesome. 289 00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:15,678 Your threesome? 290 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:16,913 We haven't even had mine yet. 291 00:14:16,915 --> 00:14:18,848 Uh, I beg to differ. 292 00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,449 I held up my part of the bargain. 293 00:14:20,451 --> 00:14:21,884 If I serve pie and nobody's hungry, 294 00:14:21,886 --> 00:14:23,185 it still counts as dessert. 295 00:14:27,458 --> 00:14:29,526 I suppose. 296 00:14:29,528 --> 00:14:30,761 Now what? 297 00:14:30,763 --> 00:14:33,263 Well, not that you care, but I did take a lethal dose 298 00:14:33,265 --> 00:14:35,132 of boner pills before we started. 299 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:37,568 Is that so? 300 00:14:37,570 --> 00:14:39,571 I'm either going to have sex or a stroke. 301 00:14:41,607 --> 00:14:44,976 Your call. 302 00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,147 Come on. Let's go to your bedroom. 303 00:14:48,149 --> 00:14:49,448 Really? 304 00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:51,183 I'd rather take care of you for the next 20 minutes 305 00:14:51,185 --> 00:14:52,284 than the next 20 years. 306 00:14:52,286 --> 00:14:55,120 That's the spirit. 307 00:14:57,657 --> 00:14:59,324 ♪ Men. ♪ 308 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,461 It's a beautiful day. 309 00:15:02,463 --> 00:15:03,695 Why don't you go down to the beach 310 00:15:03,697 --> 00:15:05,464 and find some kids to play with? 311 00:15:05,466 --> 00:15:07,032 I don't wanna. 312 00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:09,668 Okay, why don't you go ride your bike? 313 00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:11,203 I don't feel like it. 314 00:15:11,205 --> 00:15:13,072 Well, you can't sit in the house all day, 315 00:15:13,074 --> 00:15:14,740 staring at that computer. 316 00:15:14,742 --> 00:15:17,243 I made a billion dollars doing this. 317 00:15:17,245 --> 00:15:19,679 Carry on. 318 00:15:26,553 --> 00:15:28,587 Hi. Hi. 319 00:15:28,589 --> 00:15:31,056 Great to see you. What's up? 320 00:15:31,058 --> 00:15:34,960 Well, I got a most interesting phone call this morning. 321 00:15:34,962 --> 00:15:35,994 From Lyndsey. 322 00:15:35,996 --> 00:15:39,098 Alan's Lyndsey? 323 00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,334 The-the one with the drinking problem? 324 00:15:41,336 --> 00:15:42,869 The very same. 325 00:15:42,871 --> 00:15:44,804 What she ha... 326 00:15:44,806 --> 00:15:46,105 What did she want? 327 00:15:46,107 --> 00:15:48,974 Well, she wanted to tell me, in no particular order, 328 00:15:48,976 --> 00:15:51,176 that you're a great guy, 329 00:15:51,178 --> 00:15:53,378 that you're still very much in love with me 330 00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:56,881 and that I'm a complete idiot for breaking up with you. 331 00:15:56,883 --> 00:16:00,584 I am. I am. You are. 332 00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:02,819 You didn't put her up to that call, did you? 333 00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:04,688 No, not at all. 334 00:16:04,690 --> 00:16:06,023 I do miss you. 335 00:16:06,025 --> 00:16:08,159 It's been very hard for me too. 336 00:16:08,161 --> 00:16:12,096 I was kinda hoping that you'd say that. 337 00:16:12,098 --> 00:16:14,231 So, do you think that... 338 00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:16,567 You, sir, can make out with my girlfriend 339 00:16:16,569 --> 00:16:18,202 any time you want. 340 00:16:20,405 --> 00:16:23,507 You got her so worked up, she humped my brains out. 341 00:16:27,345 --> 00:16:29,412 So, where were we? 342 00:16:29,414 --> 00:16:31,048 I miss you, you miss me, ah. 343 00:16:49,402 --> 00:16:50,734 Ow! What did I do? 344 00:16:50,736 --> 00:16:52,970 Ow! 345 00:16:55,607 --> 00:16:57,274 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. 346 00:16:57,276 --> 00:16:58,943 This is just like Christmas morning. 347 00:16:58,945 --> 00:17:00,879 But instead of celebrating the birth of our Lord, 348 00:17:00,881 --> 00:17:02,981 little Alan's gonna get some strange. 349 00:17:02,983 --> 00:17:05,384 I know you're excited, 350 00:17:05,386 --> 00:17:08,196 but the first step is selecting the right girl. 351 00:17:08,221 --> 00:17:09,055 Mmm. 352 00:17:09,056 --> 00:17:10,589 Hey, what about that blonde over there? 353 00:17:10,591 --> 00:17:12,291 Eh, I guess. 354 00:17:12,293 --> 00:17:13,893 What's wrong with her? 355 00:17:13,895 --> 00:17:16,762 Well, her outfit's a little matchy-matchy, isn't it? 356 00:17:16,764 --> 00:17:19,531 The outfit's going to be on the floor of the bedroom. 357 00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:22,268 Well, still, it says something about her lack of imagination. 358 00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:24,504 Fine. 359 00:17:24,506 --> 00:17:26,039 Hey, how 'bout the redhead? 360 00:17:26,041 --> 00:17:27,307 Ooh, redheads. 361 00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:28,442 They do dirty things. 362 00:17:29,511 --> 00:17:31,712 So, should we approach her? 363 00:17:31,714 --> 00:17:32,746 No, no, hang on. Hang on. 364 00:17:32,748 --> 00:17:33,847 She's got a tramp stamp. 365 00:17:33,849 --> 00:17:35,449 So? 366 00:17:35,451 --> 00:17:36,784 It's a little skanky, isn't it? 367 00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:39,553 We're trying to invite her to a threesome. 368 00:17:39,555 --> 00:17:40,621 Skanky is good. 369 00:17:40,623 --> 00:17:43,090 You're right. You're right. 370 00:17:43,092 --> 00:17:45,960 Oh, although, she does have cankles. 371 00:17:45,962 --> 00:17:48,363 Skanky cankles. 372 00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:50,699 Isn't that what they call Santa Claus in Norway? 373 00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,301 Are you done? 374 00:17:52,303 --> 00:17:55,671 Sorry, just a little case of the pre-ménage jitters. 375 00:17:58,041 --> 00:17:59,575 You do realize if I wasn't here, 376 00:17:59,577 --> 00:18:00,977 you couldn't get any of these women? 377 00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:02,512 I'm not so sure about that. 378 00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:03,947 I still have a few moves up my sleeve. 379 00:18:03,949 --> 00:18:05,315 Really? Mm-hmm. 380 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:06,349 Be my guest. 381 00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:10,453 Fine. Okay, watch this. 382 00:18:10,455 --> 00:18:12,556 Hello. 383 00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,658 No. 384 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,701 I'm good with whoever you pick. 385 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,071 ♪ Men. ♪ 386 00:18:26,073 --> 00:18:27,072 I'm confused. 387 00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:28,707 The only reason you're doing this 388 00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:30,375 is because it's your husband's fantasy? 389 00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:31,710 Ex-husband. 390 00:18:31,712 --> 00:18:33,979 Ah. Ah. 391 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:36,915 Wow. 392 00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:38,917 What a view. 393 00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:41,620 The view from here is pretty good, too. 394 00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:42,921 Certainly is. 395 00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,192 I'm gonna end up watching from the sidelines again, aren't I? 396 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:49,995 You're lucky you can get to watch. 397 00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,069 Wow. 398 00:18:57,071 --> 00:18:59,605 You two look really lovely. 399 00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:00,873 Y-You could actually be sisters. 400 00:19:00,875 --> 00:19:03,075 That is exactly wrong. 401 00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:07,113 Oh, no, I meant, uh, I meant, uh, sistahs. 402 00:19:07,115 --> 00:19:11,050 like, uh, "Sistahs doing it for themselves." 403 00:19:11,052 --> 00:19:12,518 What's the deal? 404 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,720 Is he dying and this is on his bucket list? 405 00:19:14,722 --> 00:19:16,622 It's complicated. 406 00:19:16,624 --> 00:19:17,823 Just stay focused on me. 407 00:19:17,825 --> 00:19:19,759 Okay. 408 00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:22,795 So, uh, shall we get this party started? 409 00:19:22,797 --> 00:19:26,967 Great. Is there somewhere where I can just freshen up? 410 00:19:26,969 --> 00:19:28,668 Sure, the bathroom's down the hall. 411 00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:30,236 Okay, be right back. 412 00:19:33,242 --> 00:19:35,642 Um, so, how are we slicing up this pie? 413 00:19:35,644 --> 00:19:36,643 What? 414 00:19:36,645 --> 00:19:38,479 You know, who gets what when? 415 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,613 Or we just gonna take shifts 416 00:19:39,615 --> 00:19:41,816 and tap each other out like wrestlers? 417 00:19:44,253 --> 00:19:46,254 Nice to meet you, too. Yeah. 418 00:19:46,256 --> 00:19:50,792 So, uh, how do you know Lyndsey and, uh, the old guy? 419 00:19:50,794 --> 00:19:52,294 Oh, Alan. 420 00:19:52,296 --> 00:19:54,930 He lives here. This is my house. 421 00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,565 No kidding. 422 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,834 Oh, oh, and one more thing: 423 00:19:58,836 --> 00:20:00,803 um, if I yell "cheeseburger," it means I'm getting close, 424 00:20:00,805 --> 00:20:02,971 and you need to whack me on the back of the head 425 00:20:02,973 --> 00:20:04,106 'cause I want this to last. 426 00:20:04,108 --> 00:20:06,508 You're so cute. 427 00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:07,943 I love you. 428 00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:09,611 I love you, too. 429 00:20:11,547 --> 00:20:12,514 Oh, no. 430 00:20:12,516 --> 00:20:14,116 No! 431 00:20:14,118 --> 00:20:15,284 Oh, man! 432 00:20:15,286 --> 00:20:17,486 I just cannot catch a break. 433 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:39,003 She sounds fun. 434 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,240 So does he. 435 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:49,547 You know, if we close our eyes and don't say anything... 436 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,348 Way ahead of you, Walden. 437 00:20:52,217 --> 00:20:53,884 Cheeseburger! 438 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:57,886 == sync, corrected by elderman ==