00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:20,736
Are you happy?
2
00:00:20,738 --> 00:00:23,539
I was before you ate
that last garlic knot.
3
00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:25,675
Oh, I'm serious.
I mean, don't you think
4
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:27,443
our relationship has become
a little bit predictable?
5
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,745
Predictable? Yes.
6
00:00:29,747 --> 00:00:32,381
Why do you ask?
Well, I was thinking
7
00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:34,617
that maybe we could
spice things up a little.
8
00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:37,053
What'd you have in mind?
9
00:00:37,055 --> 00:00:39,055
Well, um...
10
00:00:39,057 --> 00:00:42,126
I have been reading
Fifty Shades of Grey.
11
00:00:42,128 --> 00:00:43,594
Oh.
12
00:00:43,596 --> 00:00:48,365
And I have some silk scarves
and, uh, some duct tape.
13
00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:50,367
Do you see this
taking place in a bedroom
14
00:00:50,369 --> 00:00:52,803
or the back
of a panel van?
15
00:00:52,805 --> 00:00:54,638
I don't know. I'm only
halfway through the book.
16
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,574
Forget the book.
17
00:00:56,576 --> 00:00:59,310
What about you?
Do you have any fantasies?
18
00:00:59,312 --> 00:01:00,644
Ugh, of course I do.
19
00:01:00,646 --> 00:01:03,347
If lived only my regular
life, I'd eat a rifle.
20
00:01:03,349 --> 00:01:05,115
Tell me one.
21
00:01:05,117 --> 00:01:07,685
Well, I...
22
00:01:07,687 --> 00:01:09,921
guess I always
wanted to...
23
00:01:09,923 --> 00:01:12,757
take some naughty
pictures of you.
24
00:01:12,759 --> 00:01:14,759
We could do that.
Really?
25
00:01:14,761 --> 00:01:17,762
Yeah, why not? There's already
a lot available online.
26
00:01:20,633 --> 00:01:21,933
What else?
27
00:01:21,935 --> 00:01:23,735
Oh, well, I-I-I guess
28
00:01:23,737 --> 00:01:27,004
it's a-a cliché
for a guy, but, um...
29
00:01:27,006 --> 00:01:30,275
I've always wanted
to have a-a threesome.
30
00:01:30,277 --> 00:01:31,943
Okay.
31
00:01:31,945 --> 00:01:33,544
Now, I know
it's silly. I know.
32
00:01:33,546 --> 00:01:35,646
No, I mean, okay,
we can do it.
33
00:01:36,949 --> 00:01:38,616
If you are messing
with me,
34
00:01:38,618 --> 00:01:41,519
there is no way
I will ever forgive you!
35
00:01:41,521 --> 00:01:44,022
I'm not messing with you.
36
00:01:44,024 --> 00:01:45,724
Seriously, we can
have a threesome?
37
00:01:45,726 --> 00:01:48,560
- Come on, you'd do the same for me.
- Of course I would.
38
00:01:48,562 --> 00:01:50,829
Good, 'cause I have
a fantasy of my own.
39
00:01:50,831 --> 00:01:52,931
Oh, hmm, lay it
on me, baby.
40
00:01:52,933 --> 00:01:55,334
I want to have
a threesome also.
41
00:01:55,336 --> 00:01:57,236
See? See?
42
00:01:57,238 --> 00:02:00,339
This is why communication is
so important in a relationship.
43
00:02:00,341 --> 00:02:01,741
I mean, two minutes ago
44
00:02:01,743 --> 00:02:03,609
I didn't care if
you lived or died.
45
00:02:03,611 --> 00:02:08,914
Now I love you more than
any man has ever loved a woman.
46
00:02:08,916 --> 00:02:10,215
You complete me,
47
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,717
but add another chick
and I'll complete myself.
48
00:02:12,719 --> 00:02:14,486
Great!
49
00:02:14,488 --> 00:02:15,888
So what's your
pleasure, treasure?
50
00:02:15,890 --> 00:02:16,922
Blonde? Brunette?
51
00:02:16,924 --> 00:02:18,891
Someone with a little
junk in the trunk?
52
00:02:18,893 --> 00:02:20,058
No, no.
53
00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:22,294
In my threesome, there's you, me,
Mm-hmm?
54
00:02:22,296 --> 00:02:24,129
and another guy.
55
00:02:32,673 --> 00:02:34,740
An-Another guy?
56
00:02:34,742 --> 00:02:35,741
Yep.
57
00:02:35,743 --> 00:02:38,644
Boy, I don't know.
58
00:02:38,646 --> 00:02:40,513
Uh...
59
00:02:40,515 --> 00:02:44,518
I mean, I-I never thought about
it, you know, that-that way.
60
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,921
Four balls, two bats
and one mitt. Uh...
61
00:02:47,923 --> 00:02:50,190
Could be fun.
62
00:02:50,192 --> 00:02:53,626
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, who would
the other guy even be?
63
00:02:53,628 --> 00:02:56,196
Hey.
64
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,502
Oh, crap.
65
00:03:02,504 --> 00:03:05,338
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
66
00:03:05,340 --> 00:03:08,575
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
67
00:03:08,577 --> 00:03:11,745
♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
68
00:03:11,747 --> 00:03:13,881
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
69
00:03:13,883 --> 00:03:16,384
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
70
00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:19,420
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
71
00:03:19,422 --> 00:03:23,384
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
72
00:03:23,484 --> 00:03:27,484
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x03 ♪
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
Original Air Date on October 11, 2012
73
00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:31,485
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
74
00:03:33,823 --> 00:03:35,191
♪ Men. ♪
75
00:03:35,193 --> 00:03:37,826
So, you want to have a threesome
with me and Walden?
76
00:03:37,828 --> 00:03:40,196
You have your fantasy;
I have mine.
77
00:03:40,198 --> 00:03:43,333
Yeah, but mine's a traditional,
wholesome three-way.
78
00:03:43,335 --> 00:03:47,471
You, me and an anonymous drunken
slut, the way God intended.
79
00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:51,941
Walden is a friend.
Plus, we see him all the time.
80
00:03:51,943 --> 00:03:53,977
So?
So it'll be awkward.
81
00:03:53,979 --> 00:03:55,056
Not for me.
82
00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,981
I-I just don't think
it's a good time.
83
00:03:56,982 --> 00:03:58,882
I mean, he just
broke up with Zoey,
84
00:03:58,884 --> 00:04:00,617
and he's feeling very
vulnerable right now.
85
00:04:00,619 --> 00:04:01,952
I think this would help.
86
00:04:01,954 --> 00:04:03,820
You know, he needs
to get back on the horse,
87
00:04:03,822 --> 00:04:06,256
and in this case, neigh!
88
00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:09,459
Do we have a deal?
89
00:04:11,295 --> 00:04:14,097
All right, after we have mine,
we will approach Walden...
90
00:04:14,099 --> 00:04:16,466
- No, no, no, no. I go first.
- Why?
91
00:04:16,468 --> 00:04:17,567
Speaking from experience,
92
00:04:17,569 --> 00:04:19,935
once you get yours,
I'll never get mine.
93
00:04:22,406 --> 00:04:25,742
I am offended...
94
00:04:25,744 --> 00:04:29,645
that you would insinuate that
I would break a sacred trust.
95
00:04:29,647 --> 00:04:32,848
I love you, Lyndsey, and
if you can't believe in me,
96
00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:35,351
then-then we have bigger
problems in our relationship
97
00:04:35,353 --> 00:04:38,154
than whose dirty, nasty
hump-fest we have first.
98
00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:40,389
Take it or leave it.
99
00:04:42,694 --> 00:04:44,927
Take it.
100
00:04:46,029 --> 00:04:48,497
Oh, I plan to.
101
00:04:48,499 --> 00:04:51,534
♪ Men. ♪
102
00:04:55,206 --> 00:04:57,740
Gorgeous day, isn't it?
103
00:04:57,742 --> 00:05:01,176
Wonder what
the poor people are doing.
104
00:05:01,178 --> 00:05:04,679
One of them is asking me
what the poor people are doing.
105
00:05:04,681 --> 00:05:08,049
Rich, good-looking,
and funny.
106
00:05:08,051 --> 00:05:11,920
God certainly gave
with three hands.
107
00:05:11,922 --> 00:05:15,123
Hey, speaking of
three hands, um...
108
00:05:15,125 --> 00:05:17,726
there's, uh, something
I-I need to ask you.
109
00:05:17,728 --> 00:05:19,195
Sure.
110
00:05:19,197 --> 00:05:22,365
Oh, boy, where do I start? Uh...
111
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,067
Okay, here's the deal. Um,
112
00:05:24,069 --> 00:05:27,437
things with Lyndsey and me
have gotten a little stale, uh,
113
00:05:27,439 --> 00:05:29,972
sexually speaking.
Everything is by the numbers.
114
00:05:29,974 --> 00:05:33,142
I get it. You're skipping
right from 68 to 70.
115
00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:35,511
Exactly, exactly.
116
00:05:35,513 --> 00:05:38,981
Um, anyhoo, uh...
117
00:05:38,983 --> 00:05:40,449
we've come up
with a solution.
118
00:05:40,451 --> 00:05:41,884
What's that?
119
00:05:41,886 --> 00:05:46,256
We're going to have a, uh,
a threesome.
120
00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:47,491
Really?
121
00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:51,294
What? She agreed to that?
Yep.
122
00:05:51,296 --> 00:05:52,929
Dude, way to go!
123
00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,933
Yeah, yeah, it's great.
124
00:05:55,935 --> 00:05:57,935
Um, the thing is, um,
125
00:05:57,937 --> 00:06:01,939
Lyndsey wants to have a sausage
fest before the clambake.
126
00:06:04,343 --> 00:06:05,342
That's clever.
127
00:06:05,344 --> 00:06:06,477
Yeah.
128
00:06:06,479 --> 00:06:08,612
Yeah, she-she has
this crazy idea
129
00:06:08,614 --> 00:06:10,548
that before I have
my threesome,
130
00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:13,117
she wants to have
one of her own.
131
00:06:13,119 --> 00:06:14,652
Whoa, what, hold on, w...
132
00:06:14,654 --> 00:06:16,587
she wants to have a threesome
without you?
133
00:06:16,589 --> 00:06:19,223
Oh, no, no, I'm gonna be there,
uh, uh, but with...
134
00:06:19,225 --> 00:06:20,891
another guy.
135
00:06:20,893 --> 00:06:21,926
Huh.
136
00:06:21,928 --> 00:06:25,096
Yeah, and the-the
really crazy part is...
137
00:06:26,264 --> 00:06:30,635
...um, uh, that she wants
the other guy,
138
00:06:30,637 --> 00:06:34,204
uh, to be, um, you.
139
00:06:37,576 --> 00:06:38,910
Okay.
140
00:06:38,912 --> 00:06:42,013
Yeah, now, I-I-I told her
that there was no way...
141
00:06:42,015 --> 00:06:43,448
Oh, no, no, no, I'm in.
142
00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:47,185
Wh-What? What?
You're in?
143
00:06:47,187 --> 00:06:49,021
Yeah, sure.
It sounds like fun.
144
00:06:49,023 --> 00:06:51,123
You know, now that Zoey
and I aren't together,
145
00:06:51,125 --> 00:06:54,060
I don't see any reason why I
shouldn't be doing my own thing.
146
00:06:54,062 --> 00:06:56,162
And Lyndsey's own thing.
147
00:06:56,164 --> 00:06:59,633
Probably not your own thing.
Well, a-are you sure?
148
00:06:59,635 --> 00:07:01,334
Why not?
Time to shake things up,
149
00:07:01,336 --> 00:07:03,337
get out of my comfort zone,
you know?
150
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,839
Maybe slip into
your comfort zone.
151
00:07:06,841 --> 00:07:07,908
Get it?
152
00:07:09,611 --> 00:07:11,179
I got it.
153
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:14,182
Well, I guess... I guess
I should let Lyndsey know.
154
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:17,219
Um, she'll be thrilled.
155
00:07:17,221 --> 00:07:19,021
As am I.
156
00:07:19,023 --> 00:07:20,222
Yay.
157
00:07:20,224 --> 00:07:22,191
Hey, wait.
Do y...
158
00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:23,692
you want to do this, right?
159
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,093
Oh, oh, absolutely.
Uh, you know,
160
00:07:25,095 --> 00:07:28,196
I'm-I'm very open-minded,
uh, about sexual matters.
161
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,966
After all, I-I did grow up
during the sexual revolution.
162
00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:33,768
Well, technically, a-a few years
after, but there were still
163
00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:37,438
condoms and diaphragms layin'
all over the place.
164
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,574
Oh, and, uh,
just a heads-up,
165
00:07:39,576 --> 00:07:42,610
um... exit only.
166
00:07:43,845 --> 00:07:46,380
Nope, not even a thumb.
167
00:07:49,651 --> 00:07:51,519
♪ Men. ♪
168
00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:55,623
I am so happy you said yes.
169
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:57,358
I am honored you asked.
170
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,493
Aren't you adorable?
171
00:07:59,495 --> 00:08:01,061
Not as adorable as you.
172
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,965
Yeah, yeah, we're all adorable.
173
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:05,599
Um...
174
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:08,002
Let's... W-W-We need
to establish some ground rules.
175
00:08:08,004 --> 00:08:09,503
Sure, like what?
176
00:08:09,505 --> 00:08:12,573
Uh, well, uh, for instance, uh,
there are a few things
177
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:16,077
that I happen to know Lyndsey
is not exactly fond of doing.
178
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,313
No, I'm good.
179
00:08:19,182 --> 00:08:21,249
R-Really? You're good?
180
00:08:21,951 --> 00:08:23,685
With everything?
181
00:08:23,687 --> 00:08:26,321
Even the Philadelphia
Dump Truck?
182
00:08:26,323 --> 00:08:28,490
Back it up.
183
00:08:28,492 --> 00:08:30,659
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
184
00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:34,697
Anything else?
185
00:08:34,699 --> 00:08:37,065
Uh, well, I guess this goes
without saying,
186
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,701
but, uh, you know, we're
not making Band-Aids here,
187
00:08:39,703 --> 00:08:42,203
so Johnson should never
meet Johnson, so...
188
00:08:42,205 --> 00:08:44,605
True.
189
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,174
Two dongs don't make a right.
190
00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,883
Oh, oh, and speaking of, um,
191
00:08:54,885 --> 00:08:58,720
if you have any desire to stick
your tongue in my mouth,
192
00:08:58,722 --> 00:08:59,955
just stick
your tongue
193
00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:00,990
in her mouth,
194
00:09:00,992 --> 00:09:02,258
and then she'll
stick her tongue
195
00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:04,727
in my mouth, and we'll consider
the circle complete.
196
00:09:07,097 --> 00:09:08,431
Fine.
197
00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:09,932
It's your loss.
198
00:09:11,835 --> 00:09:15,204
I would like to propose a toast.
199
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:17,606
Oh!
200
00:09:17,608 --> 00:09:20,976
Friends may come
and friends may go,
201
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:24,547
friends may peter out,
you know.
202
00:09:24,549 --> 00:09:27,550
But here's to us,
through thick and thin,
203
00:09:27,552 --> 00:09:29,986
peter out and peter in.
204
00:09:33,257 --> 00:09:34,891
Hear, hear.
205
00:09:36,594 --> 00:09:38,094
Cheers.
206
00:09:38,096 --> 00:09:40,230
So, what do you say?
207
00:09:40,232 --> 00:09:42,398
Let's get these balls rollin'.
208
00:09:44,635 --> 00:09:46,736
♪ Men. ♪
209
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:14,733
This is okay,
what we're doing, right?
210
00:10:14,735 --> 00:10:16,835
W-We're all consenting adults.
211
00:10:16,837 --> 00:10:18,103
Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.
212
00:10:18,105 --> 00:10:19,671
Sure.
213
00:10:19,673 --> 00:10:23,008
I mean, you know, if one of us
was mentally impaired,
214
00:10:23,010 --> 00:10:25,577
then the-the consent
might be suspect.
215
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:29,648
True. I mean, i-if
you were required
216
00:10:29,650 --> 00:10:31,583
to wear a helmet or...
217
00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:34,986
have a service dog...
218
00:10:34,988 --> 00:10:37,956
that might be construed
as taking advantage.
219
00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:39,658
Yeah, yeah,
but everybody here
220
00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:41,326
knows what they're
getting into, so...
221
00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:45,030
Yeah, no one's taking their
pants off for a candy bar.
222
00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:47,465
Or absolution.
223
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:51,769
Um, so, listen, uh,
224
00:10:51,771 --> 00:10:55,240
don't feel obligated to bring
your "A" game today, okay?
225
00:10:55,242 --> 00:10:57,008
My "A" game?
226
00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:59,144
Yeah, I mean,
what I'm saying is
227
00:10:59,146 --> 00:11:00,545
you're younger than I am;
228
00:11:00,547 --> 00:11:03,348
you're prettier than I am;
there's more...
229
00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:06,151
of you than there is of me.
230
00:11:07,954 --> 00:11:09,287
What do you want me to do?
231
00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:10,355
Well,
I'm just saying,
232
00:11:10,357 --> 00:11:11,589
we're playing on
a public course here.
233
00:11:11,591 --> 00:11:13,090
Spot me a couple
of strokes.
234
00:11:16,028 --> 00:11:17,729
You just be the maypole
235
00:11:17,731 --> 00:11:21,031
and let her run around
with the ribbons.
236
00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:24,201
No, no, that is not my style.
237
00:11:24,203 --> 00:11:25,669
I'm very aggressive.
238
00:11:26,538 --> 00:11:27,871
I'm in it to win it.
239
00:11:29,408 --> 00:11:32,709
What do you think, boys?
240
00:11:32,711 --> 00:11:35,713
I am definitely gonna win it.
241
00:11:35,715 --> 00:11:38,782
Oh, yeah, well,
we'll see about that.
242
00:11:38,784 --> 00:11:40,284
Uh, you do look
beautiful, darling.
243
00:11:40,286 --> 00:11:41,586
Yeah, thanks.
244
00:11:41,588 --> 00:11:44,055
Ooh.
245
00:11:48,727 --> 00:11:51,262
This is probably bad to say,
246
00:11:51,264 --> 00:11:53,898
but Zoey had an outfit
like that
247
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:54,966
she used to wear
all the time.
248
00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:57,068
Well, not all the time.
249
00:11:57,070 --> 00:11:59,537
Just when we
were having sex.
250
00:11:59,539 --> 00:12:01,572
Which was pretty much
all the time.
251
00:12:01,574 --> 00:12:05,042
I'm sorry, sweetie.
252
00:12:05,044 --> 00:12:08,313
Oh, I guess we're starting,
okay, uh, um...
253
00:12:16,522 --> 00:12:21,159
You know, I-I, um,
I not only loved Zoey.
254
00:12:21,161 --> 00:12:22,894
I also loved
her daughter.
255
00:12:22,896 --> 00:12:27,065
That is beautiful.
256
00:12:37,010 --> 00:12:39,011
I kinda thought we
were gonna be family.
257
00:12:39,013 --> 00:12:41,680
We're your family now.
258
00:12:41,682 --> 00:12:44,650
I'm starting to feel a little
like a very distant cousin.
259
00:12:49,323 --> 00:12:52,625
I miss her so much.
260
00:12:54,795 --> 00:12:57,897
I'd have given odds
that I'd be the one crying.
261
00:12:57,899 --> 00:12:59,632
♪ Men. ♪
262
00:13:05,413 --> 00:13:07,047
♪ Men. ♪
263
00:13:07,049 --> 00:13:08,882
Walden, you doing
okay in there?
264
00:13:08,884 --> 00:13:12,185
I'm good.
I just need a second.
265
00:13:13,922 --> 00:13:15,822
Maybe this just
isn't meant to be.
266
00:13:15,824 --> 00:13:16,890
Why not?
267
00:13:16,892 --> 00:13:18,491
The man is clearly upset.
268
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:21,261
Oh, boo-hoo.
269
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:27,034
I'm really sorry.
270
00:13:27,036 --> 00:13:29,736
Hey, no need to apologize.
In fact,
271
00:13:29,738 --> 00:13:32,572
if it would help, you can close
your eyes and pretend I'm Zoey.
272
00:13:32,574 --> 00:13:33,640
Really?
273
00:13:33,642 --> 00:13:35,208
Of course.
274
00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:36,809
Um, should I pretend
you're somebody else?
275
00:13:36,811 --> 00:13:38,811
Do whatever you want.
276
00:13:41,214 --> 00:13:42,381
That's a good idea.
277
00:13:42,383 --> 00:13:43,516
Let's-let's try that.
278
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:46,084
Attaboy.
Okay.
279
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,052
Mmm.
280
00:13:52,224 --> 00:13:53,624
Oh, Zoey.
281
00:13:53,626 --> 00:13:54,992
Oh, Walden,
282
00:13:54,994 --> 00:13:59,296
give me a good shagging,
won't you?
283
00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:01,931
I can't.
284
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,434
I can't do this!
285
00:14:04,436 --> 00:14:07,871
"Give us a good shagging,
won't you? "
286
00:14:07,873 --> 00:14:10,440
What? That's a thing.
287
00:14:10,442 --> 00:14:12,008
Doesn't matter.
288
00:14:12,010 --> 00:14:14,277
Let's just make sure we don't
get a crybaby for my threesome.
289
00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:15,678
Your threesome?
290
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:16,913
We haven't even had mine yet.
291
00:14:16,915 --> 00:14:18,848
Uh, I beg to differ.
292
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,449
I held up my part
of the bargain.
293
00:14:20,451 --> 00:14:21,884
If I serve pie
and nobody's hungry,
294
00:14:21,886 --> 00:14:23,185
it still counts as dessert.
295
00:14:27,458 --> 00:14:29,526
I suppose.
296
00:14:29,528 --> 00:14:30,761
Now what?
297
00:14:30,763 --> 00:14:33,263
Well, not that you care,
but I did take a lethal dose
298
00:14:33,265 --> 00:14:35,132
of boner pills
before we started.
299
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:37,568
Is that so?
300
00:14:37,570 --> 00:14:39,571
I'm either going
to have sex or a stroke.
301
00:14:41,607 --> 00:14:44,976
Your call.
302
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:48,147
Come on.
Let's go to your bedroom.
303
00:14:48,149 --> 00:14:49,448
Really?
304
00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:51,183
I'd rather take care of you
for the next 20 minutes
305
00:14:51,185 --> 00:14:52,284
than the next 20 years.
306
00:14:52,286 --> 00:14:55,120
That's the spirit.
307
00:14:57,657 --> 00:14:59,324
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,461
It's a beautiful day.
309
00:15:02,463 --> 00:15:03,695
Why don't you go
down to the beach
310
00:15:03,697 --> 00:15:05,464
and find some kids to play with?
311
00:15:05,466 --> 00:15:07,032
I don't wanna.
312
00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:09,668
Okay, why don't you
go ride your bike?
313
00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:11,203
I don't feel like it.
314
00:15:11,205 --> 00:15:13,072
Well, you can't sit
in the house all day,
315
00:15:13,074 --> 00:15:14,740
staring at that computer.
316
00:15:14,742 --> 00:15:17,243
I made a billion dollars
doing this.
317
00:15:17,245 --> 00:15:19,679
Carry on.
318
00:15:26,553 --> 00:15:28,587
Hi.
Hi.
319
00:15:28,589 --> 00:15:31,056
Great to see you.
What's up?
320
00:15:31,058 --> 00:15:34,960
Well, I got a most interesting
phone call this morning.
321
00:15:34,962 --> 00:15:35,994
From Lyndsey.
322
00:15:35,996 --> 00:15:39,098
Alan's Lyndsey?
323
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,334
The-the one with
the drinking problem?
324
00:15:41,336 --> 00:15:42,869
The very same.
325
00:15:42,871 --> 00:15:44,804
What she ha...
326
00:15:44,806 --> 00:15:46,105
What did she want?
327
00:15:46,107 --> 00:15:48,974
Well, she wanted to tell me,
in no particular order,
328
00:15:48,976 --> 00:15:51,176
that you're a great guy,
329
00:15:51,178 --> 00:15:53,378
that you're still very much
in love with me
330
00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:56,881
and that I'm a complete idiot
for breaking up with you.
331
00:15:56,883 --> 00:16:00,584
I am. I am. You are.
332
00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:02,819
You didn't put her up
to that call, did you?
333
00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:04,688
No, not at all.
334
00:16:04,690 --> 00:16:06,023
I do miss you.
335
00:16:06,025 --> 00:16:08,159
It's been very hard for me too.
336
00:16:08,161 --> 00:16:12,096
I was kinda hoping
that you'd say that.
337
00:16:12,098 --> 00:16:14,231
So, do you think that...
338
00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:16,567
You, sir, can make out
with my girlfriend
339
00:16:16,569 --> 00:16:18,202
any time you want.
340
00:16:20,405 --> 00:16:23,507
You got her so worked up,
she humped my brains out.
341
00:16:27,345 --> 00:16:29,412
So, where were we?
342
00:16:29,414 --> 00:16:31,048
I miss you, you miss me, ah.
343
00:16:49,402 --> 00:16:50,734
Ow! What did I do?
344
00:16:50,736 --> 00:16:52,970
Ow!
345
00:16:55,607 --> 00:16:57,274
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
346
00:16:57,276 --> 00:16:58,943
This is just like
Christmas morning.
347
00:16:58,945 --> 00:17:00,879
But instead of celebrating
the birth of our Lord,
348
00:17:00,881 --> 00:17:02,981
little Alan's
gonna get some strange.
349
00:17:02,983 --> 00:17:05,384
I know you're excited,
350
00:17:05,386 --> 00:17:08,196
but the first step
is selecting the right girl.
351
00:17:08,221 --> 00:17:09,055
Mmm.
352
00:17:09,056 --> 00:17:10,589
Hey, what about that
blonde over there?
353
00:17:10,591 --> 00:17:12,291
Eh, I guess.
354
00:17:12,293 --> 00:17:13,893
What's wrong with her?
355
00:17:13,895 --> 00:17:16,762
Well, her outfit's a little
matchy-matchy, isn't it?
356
00:17:16,764 --> 00:17:19,531
The outfit's going to be
on the floor of the bedroom.
357
00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:22,268
Well, still, it says something
about her lack of imagination.
358
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:24,504
Fine.
359
00:17:24,506 --> 00:17:26,039
Hey, how 'bout the redhead?
360
00:17:26,041 --> 00:17:27,307
Ooh, redheads.
361
00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:28,442
They do dirty things.
362
00:17:29,511 --> 00:17:31,712
So, should we approach her?
363
00:17:31,714 --> 00:17:32,746
No, no, hang on.
Hang on.
364
00:17:32,748 --> 00:17:33,847
She's got a tramp stamp.
365
00:17:33,849 --> 00:17:35,449
So?
366
00:17:35,451 --> 00:17:36,784
It's a little skanky,
isn't it?
367
00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:39,553
We're trying to invite her
to a threesome.
368
00:17:39,555 --> 00:17:40,621
Skanky is good.
369
00:17:40,623 --> 00:17:43,090
You're right.
You're right.
370
00:17:43,092 --> 00:17:45,960
Oh, although,
she does have cankles.
371
00:17:45,962 --> 00:17:48,363
Skanky cankles.
372
00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:50,699
Isn't that what they call
Santa Claus in Norway?
373
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:52,301
Are you done?
374
00:17:52,303 --> 00:17:55,671
Sorry, just a little case
of the pre-ménage jitters.
375
00:17:58,041 --> 00:17:59,575
You do realize
if I wasn't here,
376
00:17:59,577 --> 00:18:00,977
you couldn't get
any of these women?
377
00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:02,512
I'm not
so sure about that.
378
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:03,947
I still have a few moves
up my sleeve.
379
00:18:03,949 --> 00:18:05,315
Really?
Mm-hmm.
380
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:06,349
Be my guest.
381
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:10,453
Fine. Okay, watch this.
382
00:18:10,455 --> 00:18:12,556
Hello.
383
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,658
No.
384
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,701
I'm good with whoever you pick.
385
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,071
♪ Men. ♪
386
00:18:26,073 --> 00:18:27,072
I'm confused.
387
00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:28,707
The only reason
you're doing this
388
00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:30,375
is because
it's your husband's fantasy?
389
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:31,710
Ex-husband.
390
00:18:31,712 --> 00:18:33,979
Ah.
Ah.
391
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:36,915
Wow.
392
00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:38,917
What a view.
393
00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:41,620
The view from here
is pretty good, too.
394
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:42,921
Certainly is.
395
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,192
I'm gonna end up watching from
the sidelines again, aren't I?
396
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:49,995
You're lucky you
can get to watch.
397
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,069
Wow.
398
00:18:57,071 --> 00:18:59,605
You two look really lovely.
399
00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:00,873
Y-You could
actually be sisters.
400
00:19:00,875 --> 00:19:03,075
That is exactly wrong.
401
00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:07,113
Oh, no, I meant, uh,
I meant, uh, sistahs.
402
00:19:07,115 --> 00:19:11,050
like, uh, "Sistahs doing it
for themselves."
403
00:19:11,052 --> 00:19:12,518
What's the deal?
404
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,720
Is he dying and this
is on his bucket list?
405
00:19:14,722 --> 00:19:16,622
It's complicated.
406
00:19:16,624 --> 00:19:17,823
Just stay focused on me.
407
00:19:17,825 --> 00:19:19,759
Okay.
408
00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:22,795
So, uh, shall we get
this party started?
409
00:19:22,797 --> 00:19:26,967
Great. Is there somewhere
where I can just freshen up?
410
00:19:26,969 --> 00:19:28,668
Sure, the bathroom's
down the hall.
411
00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:30,236
Okay, be right back.
412
00:19:33,242 --> 00:19:35,642
Um, so, how are we
slicing up this pie?
413
00:19:35,644 --> 00:19:36,643
What?
414
00:19:36,645 --> 00:19:38,479
You know, who gets what when?
415
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,613
Or we just gonna take shifts
416
00:19:39,615 --> 00:19:41,816
and tap each other out
like wrestlers?
417
00:19:44,253 --> 00:19:46,254
Nice to meet you, too.
Yeah.
418
00:19:46,256 --> 00:19:50,792
So, uh, how do you know Lyndsey
and, uh, the old guy?
419
00:19:50,794 --> 00:19:52,294
Oh, Alan.
420
00:19:52,296 --> 00:19:54,930
He lives here.
This is my house.
421
00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,565
No kidding.
422
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,834
Oh, oh, and one more thing:
423
00:19:58,836 --> 00:20:00,803
um, if I yell "cheeseburger,"
it means I'm getting close,
424
00:20:00,805 --> 00:20:02,971
and you need to whack me
on the back of the head
425
00:20:02,973 --> 00:20:04,106
'cause I want this to last.
426
00:20:04,108 --> 00:20:06,508
You're so cute.
427
00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:07,943
I love you.
428
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:09,611
I love you, too.
429
00:20:11,547 --> 00:20:12,514
Oh, no.
430
00:20:12,516 --> 00:20:14,116
No!
431
00:20:14,118 --> 00:20:15,284
Oh, man!
432
00:20:15,286 --> 00:20:17,486
I just cannot catch a break.
433
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:39,003
She sounds fun.
434
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,240
So does he.
435
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:49,547
You know, if we close our eyes
and don't say anything...
436
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,348
Way ahead of you, Walden.
437
00:20:52,217 --> 00:20:53,884
Cheeseburger!
438
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:57,886
== sync, corrected by elderman ==