00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,654 --> 00:00:02,696 Previously on: 2 00:00:02,767 --> 00:00:04,233 So, what happened between you and your girl? 3 00:00:04,235 --> 00:00:07,102 She wanted to get married, and I'm just not sure I'm ready. 4 00:00:07,104 --> 00:00:08,604 That's the same reason I lost Lyndsey. 5 00:00:08,606 --> 00:00:10,973 You got to get her back. Don't make the same mistake I did. 6 00:00:10,975 --> 00:00:13,542 I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me. 7 00:00:13,544 --> 00:00:16,478 Yeah, I just have to get a ring. I got a ring you could have. 8 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,514 You must be here to see your friend Larry, 9 00:00:18,516 --> 00:00:20,182 who is also here. 10 00:00:20,951 --> 00:00:24,186 Lyndsey MacElroy, will you marry me? 11 00:00:24,188 --> 00:00:26,388 Yes, I will marry you! 12 00:00:26,390 --> 00:00:28,958 (Lyndsey laughing) 13 00:00:31,861 --> 00:00:33,596 What's going on down here? 14 00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,898 I got up to pee and I heard moaning. 15 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,399 No, you heard crying. 16 00:00:37,401 --> 00:00:40,269 (woman moans sensually on TV) 17 00:00:40,271 --> 00:00:42,671 And moaning. 18 00:00:42,673 --> 00:00:45,040 You're watching porn at 3:00 in the morning? 19 00:00:45,042 --> 00:00:46,809 No, it's that soft-core flick 20 00:00:46,811 --> 00:00:49,011 that Lyndsey made back in the '90s, 21 00:00:49,013 --> 00:00:51,280 Cinnamon's Buns. 22 00:00:51,282 --> 00:00:54,817 Nothing brings me back like hearing her fake an orgasm. 23 00:00:54,819 --> 00:00:57,586 Oh, listen, I know that breakups are hard, but... 24 00:00:57,588 --> 00:01:00,422 Uh, please tell me those were for crying. 25 00:01:01,291 --> 00:01:02,458 Oh, yes, yes, uh, yes. 26 00:01:02,460 --> 00:01:05,060 Uh, uh, crying, yes, very upset, very upset, yes. 27 00:01:05,062 --> 00:01:08,464 Wow, you know, you're a classy guy, Alan. 28 00:01:08,466 --> 00:01:10,399 It's hard to understand why she accepted 29 00:01:10,401 --> 00:01:12,134 Larry's proposal and not yours. 30 00:01:12,136 --> 00:01:14,903 Technically, I never actually proposed. 31 00:01:14,905 --> 00:01:15,856 What? 32 00:01:15,881 --> 00:01:17,841 Well, when I got there he was already doing it, 33 00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:21,076 so I just figured I'd chalk this one up as another loss 34 00:01:21,078 --> 00:01:22,478 and move on. 35 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,314 Universe: 82,223; 36 00:01:25,316 --> 00:01:27,082 Alan: 12. 37 00:01:27,084 --> 00:01:28,951 Come on, you're exaggerating. 38 00:01:28,953 --> 00:01:31,253 You have not had 12 victories. 39 00:01:31,255 --> 00:01:32,955 Yes, I have. 40 00:01:32,957 --> 00:01:36,959 Uh, my son, plus the number of years I've lived here rent-free. 41 00:01:36,961 --> 00:01:38,894 I can't believe you just stood there 42 00:01:38,896 --> 00:01:40,996 while another guy proposed to your girl 43 00:01:40,998 --> 00:01:42,398 and you didn't say anything. 44 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,299 There's nothing I can do about it. 45 00:01:44,301 --> 00:01:46,902 Larry's the one frosting her muffins now. 46 00:01:46,904 --> 00:01:50,472 Have we learned nothing from Cinnamon's Buns? 47 00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,642 She told Master Baker no 48 00:01:53,644 --> 00:01:55,511 five times! 49 00:01:55,513 --> 00:01:57,713 Did he listen? No! 50 00:01:59,149 --> 00:02:01,984 No, the only reason Lyndsey settled for Larry 51 00:02:01,986 --> 00:02:05,287 is 'cause she didn't know she could settle for you! 52 00:02:05,289 --> 00:02:07,089 You're right. I mean, you're a handsome billionaire, 53 00:02:07,091 --> 00:02:08,524 and you settled for me. 54 00:02:09,459 --> 00:02:11,293 She's just a-a-a divorced, 55 00:02:11,295 --> 00:02:13,128 middle-aged lush... 56 00:02:14,097 --> 00:02:15,998 ...of my dreams. 57 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,667 That's the spirit! Now, get up and... 58 00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:20,335 wash your hands and... 59 00:02:20,337 --> 00:02:22,204 burn this couch, and go get your... 60 00:02:22,206 --> 00:02:24,373 surprisingly flexible girlfriend back. 61 00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:26,241 You're right, you're right. Thanks, Walden. 62 00:02:26,243 --> 00:02:27,976 LYNDSEY (on video): Oh, Master Baker, 63 00:02:27,978 --> 00:02:31,180 would you like to watch while I train this lovely young maiden 64 00:02:31,182 --> 00:02:33,182 to churn your butter? 65 00:02:33,184 --> 00:02:36,051 Maybe one more scene. 66 00:02:36,053 --> 00:02:39,254 This is a pivotal part of the film. 67 00:02:39,256 --> 00:02:41,390 You might need this. 68 00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:46,495 This scene's a real tear... jerker. 69 00:02:46,497 --> 00:02:49,364 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 70 00:02:49,366 --> 00:02:51,647 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 71 00:02:51,648 --> 00:02:55,648 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x15 ♪ Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin Original Air Date on February 27, 2014 72 00:02:55,649 --> 00:03:00,649 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 73 00:03:00,675 --> 00:03:03,410 Hey, Berta, how about a cup of coffee? 74 00:03:03,412 --> 00:03:06,012 No, thanks, I just had a cup. 75 00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:09,116 I don't know why you keep her on payroll. 76 00:03:09,118 --> 00:03:12,419 Says the guy I pay to be my assistant. 77 00:03:12,421 --> 00:03:13,887 Oh, oh, that's still a thing? 78 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,389 Oh, oh, cup of joe coming right up, boss. 79 00:03:17,725 --> 00:03:19,793 Hey, what are you doing there? 80 00:03:19,795 --> 00:03:22,596 I'm making breakfast in bed for Brooke. 81 00:03:22,598 --> 00:03:24,731 Hey, what tastes good on boobs? 82 00:03:24,733 --> 00:03:26,766 Pineapple rings are always fun. 83 00:03:26,768 --> 00:03:29,703 Yeah. You get the room nice and cold, and you play ring toss. 84 00:03:29,705 --> 00:03:31,781 Yeah, and with Brooke's bad boys, you could... 85 00:03:31,782 --> 00:03:32,306 Hey. 86 00:03:32,307 --> 00:03:35,041 Omaha! Omaha! 87 00:03:36,911 --> 00:03:38,345 What? Hmm? 88 00:03:38,347 --> 00:03:40,580 Nothing. We weren't talking about your boobs. 89 00:03:40,582 --> 00:03:43,550 Why not? You stare at 'em enough. 90 00:03:43,552 --> 00:03:45,118 (laughs): What? 91 00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:47,888 (laughing): I don't... I never... 92 00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:49,389 I'm sorry. 93 00:03:50,391 --> 00:03:51,658 Where are you going? 94 00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:52,993 I got to get to work. 95 00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:54,394 You can't leave-- breakfast sex 96 00:03:54,396 --> 00:03:56,563 is the most important meal of the day. 97 00:03:56,565 --> 00:03:58,732 Sorry. Mwa! I'll call you later, okay, babe? 98 00:03:59,567 --> 00:04:01,168 No worries. 99 00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:03,937 Call me whenever you can. Oh, God, she's dumping me. 100 00:04:04,572 --> 00:04:05,972 What are you talking about? 101 00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:07,507 Didn't you just hear that? 102 00:04:07,509 --> 00:04:09,176 She's "going to work." 103 00:04:09,178 --> 00:04:12,112 Okay, I know no one in this house is familiar with it, 104 00:04:12,114 --> 00:04:15,749 but "going to work" is an actual thing. 105 00:04:16,784 --> 00:04:19,853 It's kind of like "paying rent". 106 00:04:22,623 --> 00:04:24,291 It's not just that, it's... 107 00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,459 it's been forever since we've had sex. 108 00:04:26,461 --> 00:04:27,928 Well, how long is forever? 109 00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:29,296 Two days! 110 00:04:29,298 --> 00:04:31,131 I hate you. 111 00:04:32,066 --> 00:04:33,900 Come on, you and Brooke are great together. 112 00:04:33,902 --> 00:04:35,135 She's not breaking up with you. 113 00:04:35,137 --> 00:04:36,770 Uh, then again, maybe she is slipping away, 114 00:04:36,772 --> 00:04:38,572 and you're just gonna have to face the possibility 115 00:04:38,574 --> 00:04:40,440 of being alone for the rest of your life. 116 00:04:40,442 --> 00:04:41,775 (sobbing gasp) 117 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:43,777 Oh, my God! 118 00:04:43,779 --> 00:04:45,145 (Jenny sobbing) 119 00:04:45,147 --> 00:04:47,280 What the hell's the matter with you? 120 00:04:47,282 --> 00:04:48,715 Why would you say that to her? 121 00:04:48,717 --> 00:04:50,050 I'm just trying to prepare her 122 00:04:50,052 --> 00:04:51,985 for-for the harsh realities of real life. 123 00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:55,722 I mean, who else is gonna do it, her father? He's dead, Walden! 124 00:04:55,724 --> 00:04:58,124 Why are you even here? I thought you were 125 00:04:58,126 --> 00:04:59,593 gonna go win Lyndsey back. 126 00:04:59,595 --> 00:05:00,961 It's early. I want to win her back, 127 00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:02,996 but I don't want to spend the whole day with her. 128 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,767 (doorbell rings) 129 00:05:10,471 --> 00:05:11,504 Alan. 130 00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:14,407 Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you. 131 00:05:14,409 --> 00:05:16,409 You are my world. 132 00:05:16,411 --> 00:05:20,113 I want you to spend the rest of your life with me. 133 00:05:20,115 --> 00:05:22,148 And Walden. 134 00:05:22,150 --> 00:05:23,750 You're-you're kidding, right? 135 00:05:23,752 --> 00:05:25,185 I'm engaged to Larry. 136 00:05:25,187 --> 00:05:27,187 That's not fair. I mean, if I hadn't stopped 137 00:05:27,189 --> 00:05:30,156 at that gas station to poop, I would have been here first. 138 00:05:30,992 --> 00:05:32,425 Alan, don't. 139 00:05:32,427 --> 00:05:33,994 Maybe this will change your mind. 140 00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:35,962 Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter 141 00:05:35,964 --> 00:05:37,197 what kind of ring... 142 00:05:37,199 --> 00:05:40,367 Holy crap, that thing's huge! 143 00:05:40,369 --> 00:05:42,035 That's what she said. (chuckles) 144 00:05:43,104 --> 00:05:45,705 I know, not the right time. What do you say? 145 00:05:45,707 --> 00:05:47,641 I say I'm marrying Larry. 146 00:05:47,643 --> 00:05:49,876 But why? He loves me. 147 00:05:49,878 --> 00:05:51,111 Not as much as I do. 148 00:05:51,113 --> 00:05:52,445 He has his own house. 149 00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:53,580 I... 150 00:05:53,582 --> 00:05:55,415 love you. 151 00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:57,083 I'm sorry, Alan. 152 00:05:57,085 --> 00:06:00,186 You-you really think Larry can make you happier than I can? 153 00:06:00,188 --> 00:06:02,589 I think I made the right decision. 154 00:06:02,591 --> 00:06:04,357 You made your bed. 155 00:06:04,359 --> 00:06:05,925 Now let's have sex in it. 156 00:06:05,927 --> 00:06:07,727 Alan. 157 00:06:08,729 --> 00:06:10,764 Good-bye. 158 00:06:15,069 --> 00:06:17,370 All right. 159 00:06:17,372 --> 00:06:20,740 Universe: 82,224. 160 00:06:27,114 --> 00:06:29,349 Twenty-five. 161 00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:33,186 (sighs) 162 00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,530 Alan. 163 00:06:43,532 --> 00:06:44,964 Hi, Judith. 164 00:06:44,966 --> 00:06:46,166 What are you doing here? 165 00:06:46,168 --> 00:06:47,634 Oh, God, what did Jake do? 166 00:06:47,636 --> 00:06:50,437 Please tell me the Army didn't let him drive a tank again. 167 00:06:50,439 --> 00:06:52,238 No, no, nothing's wrong with Jake. 168 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,341 Well, nothing new wrong. 169 00:06:54,343 --> 00:06:56,242 Then what's going on? Is everything okay? 170 00:06:56,244 --> 00:06:58,945 Uh, it's just that I've been having a really rough day, 171 00:06:58,947 --> 00:07:00,914 and I needed to see a friendly face. 172 00:07:00,916 --> 00:07:03,083 And you picked me? 173 00:07:03,085 --> 00:07:05,719 There's that friendly face. 174 00:07:05,721 --> 00:07:07,253 I'm sorry. Why don't you come on in. 175 00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:08,421 I just opened a bottle of wine. 176 00:07:08,423 --> 00:07:10,223 Thanks. Wait. 177 00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:11,624 You don't need money, do you? 178 00:07:11,626 --> 00:07:13,426 No, not at all. Okay, good. 179 00:07:13,428 --> 00:07:15,762 Wait, are you offering? 180 00:07:21,235 --> 00:07:23,803 (chuckles): Whoa, nice blanket. 181 00:07:24,672 --> 00:07:26,806 What's with the cat lady starter kit? 182 00:07:26,808 --> 00:07:27,841 It's my bad-news blanket. 183 00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:30,110 My mom gave it to me when I was a kid. 184 00:07:30,112 --> 00:07:31,544 I know what you're saying. 185 00:07:31,546 --> 00:07:33,380 I have a bad-news bong. 186 00:07:34,682 --> 00:07:36,449 And a good-news bong. 187 00:07:36,451 --> 00:07:39,185 And a watching-the-news bong. 188 00:07:39,187 --> 00:07:42,689 I guess what I'm saying is, I like to get high. 189 00:07:43,657 --> 00:07:45,725 This about Brooke? She blew me off again. 190 00:07:45,727 --> 00:07:47,427 She was supposed to come over after work, 191 00:07:47,429 --> 00:07:49,262 but she said she was tired. 192 00:07:50,164 --> 00:07:54,000 Not having sex with me must be exhausting. 193 00:07:54,002 --> 00:07:55,869 Look... Jenny, 194 00:07:55,871 --> 00:07:57,670 in any relationship, 195 00:07:57,672 --> 00:07:59,072 it's normal for there to be 196 00:07:59,074 --> 00:08:01,174 a lull in the bedroom after a while. 197 00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:02,375 Does the sex come back? 198 00:08:02,377 --> 00:08:04,744 (laughs) You're cute. 199 00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:08,882 But it does help if you do romantic stuff. 200 00:08:08,884 --> 00:08:09,949 Like what? 201 00:08:09,951 --> 00:08:11,551 Surprise her. Be spontaneous. 202 00:08:11,553 --> 00:08:13,520 Let her know that you appreciate her. 203 00:08:13,522 --> 00:08:15,955 I guess I could send flowers to her work. 204 00:08:15,957 --> 00:08:18,892 Ugh! That's so gay. 205 00:08:18,894 --> 00:08:21,895 Well, these are the kinds of things we have to do 206 00:08:21,897 --> 00:08:24,130 as a relationship evolves. 207 00:08:24,132 --> 00:08:25,098 See, 208 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,400 sex becomes companionship, 209 00:08:27,402 --> 00:08:30,370 and companionship becomes commitment. 210 00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:34,808 Commitment... becomes complacency, which... 211 00:08:34,810 --> 00:08:37,010 gives way to contempt. 212 00:08:38,479 --> 00:08:42,615 Until you find yourself longing for the sweet release of death. 213 00:08:42,617 --> 00:08:44,250 Yikes. 214 00:08:44,252 --> 00:08:46,286 I'm gonna go get my bad-news bong. 215 00:08:46,288 --> 00:08:48,488 (clears throat softly) 216 00:08:50,024 --> 00:08:52,692 Oh, my God, oh, my God. Uh, you remember, uh, 217 00:08:52,694 --> 00:08:55,128 Jake's seventh grade science project? 218 00:08:55,130 --> 00:08:57,464 Wait, which seventh grade? Second time. 219 00:08:57,466 --> 00:08:58,832 Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. 220 00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:00,667 Um, he wanted to study 221 00:09:00,669 --> 00:09:02,902 how different foods would make his farts smell. 222 00:09:02,904 --> 00:09:05,538 Oh, yeah! He'd rip one in Tupperware, 223 00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:07,574 seal it and label it. Mm. 224 00:09:07,576 --> 00:09:10,076 To this day, I still remember 225 00:09:10,078 --> 00:09:12,479 Brussels sprouts. Yes. Oh, Brussels sprouts. Ugh...! 226 00:09:12,481 --> 00:09:14,547 Most parents make their kids eat vegetables. 227 00:09:14,549 --> 00:09:16,983 We made ours stop. Yeah. Right. 228 00:09:16,985 --> 00:09:18,585 And then he got rickets. 229 00:09:18,587 --> 00:09:20,553 (both cackling) 230 00:09:20,555 --> 00:09:24,123 Oh... oh, it's been a crazy ride, hasn't it? 231 00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:25,892 Yeah. Mm. 232 00:09:27,194 --> 00:09:29,362 Hey... can I ask you something? 233 00:09:29,364 --> 00:09:30,964 Oh, here we go. How much? 234 00:09:30,966 --> 00:09:33,266 No, no, not that. 235 00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,201 What's wrong with me? 236 00:09:35,203 --> 00:09:38,171 Oh, Alan. I don't carry around a list of your faults. 237 00:09:38,173 --> 00:09:40,940 My therapist said it's no longer healthy. 238 00:09:40,942 --> 00:09:43,276 I'm-I'm serious. I mean, it seems like 239 00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:46,346 every relationship I've ever been in I've screwed up. 240 00:09:46,348 --> 00:09:48,314 Oh. Look, a marriage doesn't fail 241 00:09:48,316 --> 00:09:50,283 because of one person screwing up. 242 00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:52,819 I screwed up two marriages. Oh, yeah, 243 00:09:52,821 --> 00:09:55,555 yeah, you're right-- you're a two-time loser. 244 00:09:55,557 --> 00:09:58,858 Uh, but at least I have Walden; I mean, you've got nobody. 245 00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:00,627 Oh, we're being honest now? 246 00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:03,696 Herb's penis is bigger than yours. 247 00:10:03,698 --> 00:10:07,433 (chuckles) I'd forgotten how good you are at this. 248 00:10:07,435 --> 00:10:09,269 Ha-ha... 249 00:10:09,271 --> 00:10:11,237 I have missed you. 250 00:10:11,239 --> 00:10:13,106 I mean, you know, not the constant verbal abuse 251 00:10:13,108 --> 00:10:14,974 that left me a crippled shell of a man. 252 00:10:14,976 --> 00:10:17,076 But we could always make each other laugh. 253 00:10:17,078 --> 00:10:18,912 Oh. You could never find my G-spot, 254 00:10:18,914 --> 00:10:20,847 but you could always find my funny bone. 255 00:10:20,849 --> 00:10:22,515 (laughing): Aw... Oh... 256 00:10:22,517 --> 00:10:24,217 I'm just kidding. 257 00:10:24,219 --> 00:10:26,486 I've missed you, too. Mm-hmm. 258 00:10:30,658 --> 00:10:32,158 Mmm... 259 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,227 Oh, yeah, this is, uh... 260 00:10:34,229 --> 00:10:36,329 This is probably a bad idea. 261 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,797 Definitely. Yeah, yeah. 262 00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:41,868 (sniffles) 263 00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:43,369 (sighs) 264 00:10:43,371 --> 00:10:44,604 Oh. 265 00:10:44,606 --> 00:10:46,806 (both moaning) 266 00:10:48,876 --> 00:10:50,944 Let's look for that G-spot. 267 00:10:50,946 --> 00:10:53,246 Or... how about you look for mine? 268 00:10:53,248 --> 00:10:55,448 Mmm. Mmm. 269 00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:08,227 Oh, God. 270 00:11:08,229 --> 00:11:11,197 What did we do? 271 00:11:11,199 --> 00:11:13,366 Mmm. 272 00:11:14,468 --> 00:11:17,070 Oh, God, what did I do? 273 00:11:17,072 --> 00:11:19,706 ♪ Men. ♪ 274 00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,979 ♪ Men. ♪ 275 00:11:35,454 --> 00:11:36,655 (grunts quietly) 276 00:11:36,657 --> 00:11:38,390 Come on. 277 00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:44,863 (sighs) God. 278 00:11:44,865 --> 00:11:47,198 (whispering): What did we do last night? 279 00:11:53,572 --> 00:11:56,207 More! 280 00:11:56,209 --> 00:11:58,376 Oh, God. 281 00:12:06,686 --> 00:12:08,853 (sighs) 282 00:12:13,225 --> 00:12:15,360 Oh. Oh. 283 00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:26,204 (mutters) 284 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,182 (panting) 285 00:12:38,184 --> 00:12:39,818 (ringtone plays) 286 00:12:39,820 --> 00:12:44,389 Well, well, well, someone never made it home last night. 287 00:12:44,391 --> 00:12:47,325 Am I speaking with an engaged man? 288 00:12:47,327 --> 00:12:50,261 I think you might be. 289 00:12:50,263 --> 00:12:51,629 (laughs) That's great. 290 00:12:51,631 --> 00:12:53,298 Hey, what'd Lyndsey say when you showed her the ring? 291 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,966 That thing is huge. 292 00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:56,234 That's what she said. 293 00:12:56,236 --> 00:12:58,169 That's what I said! 294 00:12:58,171 --> 00:13:01,539 She also said she's staying with Larry. 295 00:13:01,541 --> 00:13:03,007 What? I thought you said you were engaged. 296 00:13:03,009 --> 00:13:05,510 I am. To Judith. 297 00:13:05,512 --> 00:13:08,546 What, your ex-wife? 298 00:13:08,548 --> 00:13:10,815 Whoa. What the hell happened? 299 00:13:16,822 --> 00:13:18,423 Well, it's all kind of sketchy. 300 00:13:18,425 --> 00:13:19,958 We had a lot to drink. 301 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960 Well, I-I've had a lot to drink before, 302 00:13:21,962 --> 00:13:24,262 but I've never got engaged to my ex-wife. 303 00:13:24,264 --> 00:13:25,563 Okay, maybe I'm being selfish, 304 00:13:25,565 --> 00:13:27,766 but I'd like to talk about me right now. 305 00:13:27,768 --> 00:13:30,101 Jindsey? Hmm? 306 00:13:30,103 --> 00:13:32,137 Ludith. 307 00:13:32,139 --> 00:13:34,272 Will you Larry me? 308 00:13:35,474 --> 00:13:37,509 Let me ask you something. 309 00:13:37,511 --> 00:13:39,577 Um, do you think Judith would be more upset, 310 00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:42,013 uh, to wake up and find she's engaged to me, 311 00:13:42,015 --> 00:13:44,649 or to wake up and find she's missing a finger? 312 00:13:44,651 --> 00:13:47,552 Okay, look, I'm sure that she got tipsy 313 00:13:47,554 --> 00:13:49,487 and caught up in the moment, too, 314 00:13:49,489 --> 00:13:51,356 and if you're just honest with her, 315 00:13:51,358 --> 00:13:52,857 she'll probably be relieved. 316 00:13:52,859 --> 00:13:54,092 What if she isn't? 317 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,161 I mean, how do I get her to want out of marrying me? 318 00:13:56,163 --> 00:13:57,462 Be yourself? 319 00:13:57,464 --> 00:13:59,497 Worked before. 320 00:13:59,499 --> 00:14:02,467 (sighs) 321 00:14:05,171 --> 00:14:08,106 Hey, you. 322 00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:09,974 Um, uh, listen, uh, we should... 323 00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:11,776 we should really talk about last night. 324 00:14:11,778 --> 00:14:14,179 Absolutely, but I need to say something first. 325 00:14:14,181 --> 00:14:16,614 Things are going to be different this time. 326 00:14:16,616 --> 00:14:18,917 I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made before. 327 00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:20,552 And I'm going to start by showing you 328 00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:23,388 how much I appreciate you every single day. 329 00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:26,391 Oh, that's really sweet, but we really should talk about... 330 00:14:26,393 --> 00:14:30,461 ♪ Who we should invite to the wedding! ♪ 331 00:14:33,632 --> 00:14:35,867 Hey. Hi. 332 00:14:35,869 --> 00:14:37,635 Guess what. I'm taking your advice, 333 00:14:37,637 --> 00:14:40,839 and I'm surprising Brooke with a romantic evening. 334 00:14:40,841 --> 00:14:43,675 Good. You know, I know that's not easy for you. 335 00:14:43,677 --> 00:14:45,210 Your dad was the same way. 336 00:14:45,212 --> 00:14:48,880 His idea of romance was a warm washcloth, 337 00:14:48,882 --> 00:14:52,283 cab fare and a bottle of penicillin. 338 00:14:52,285 --> 00:14:56,654 Aw! So my dad wasn't just a drunken, diseased man-whore. 339 00:14:56,656 --> 00:14:59,324 He was a gentleman. 340 00:14:59,326 --> 00:15:04,095 Charlie would be so happy to see his little girl now. 341 00:15:04,097 --> 00:15:06,130 Of course, he'd be even more happy 342 00:15:06,132 --> 00:15:08,566 to see the rack on his little girl's girlfriend. 343 00:15:08,568 --> 00:15:10,268 Does she have nice boobs? 344 00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:13,137 I've never noticed. 345 00:15:13,139 --> 00:15:14,572 Hey. 346 00:15:14,574 --> 00:15:16,040 Oh, hey. 347 00:15:16,042 --> 00:15:18,643 How'd it go with Judith? She take it okay? 348 00:15:18,645 --> 00:15:20,712 Uh, well, uh, you know, she... uh, she... 349 00:15:20,714 --> 00:15:23,381 It was a... a little hard for her to swallow. 350 00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:24,816 Um... 351 00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:27,151 Well, I'm just glad you talked to her. 352 00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:28,786 Can I get my ring back? 353 00:15:28,788 --> 00:15:30,021 Uh, funny story. 354 00:15:30,023 --> 00:15:32,490 Um... she kind of kept it, 355 00:15:32,492 --> 00:15:34,325 and we're kind of getting married. 356 00:15:35,728 --> 00:15:37,962 Alan, I thought you were gonna talk to her. 357 00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:39,197 Uh, I did. 358 00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,466 Uh, we came to an... oral agreement. 359 00:15:41,468 --> 00:15:43,835 Oh! 360 00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:44,969 Alan! 361 00:15:44,971 --> 00:15:46,137 It's my weakness. 362 00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:47,472 That and red velvet anything. 363 00:15:47,474 --> 00:15:48,673 Wait. Wait. 364 00:15:48,675 --> 00:15:50,275 This is the same woman 365 00:15:50,277 --> 00:15:52,343 that you said was so evil 366 00:15:52,345 --> 00:15:55,546 that her image didn't show up in your wedding pictures. 367 00:15:55,548 --> 00:15:57,415 I only said that because, at the time, 368 00:15:57,417 --> 00:15:59,817 I thought she was the worst person I'd ever met, 369 00:15:59,819 --> 00:16:01,886 and she made my life a living hell. 370 00:16:01,888 --> 00:16:03,087 But, you know, people change. 371 00:16:03,089 --> 00:16:04,756 It's gonna be great. 372 00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:11,029 So, Zippy's moving out, and he's going to be miserable. 373 00:16:11,031 --> 00:16:12,997 So you have been listening. 374 00:16:12,999 --> 00:16:15,166 Oh. 375 00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:17,969 I have to say, 376 00:16:17,971 --> 00:16:19,170 dinner was great, Judith. 377 00:16:19,172 --> 00:16:20,438 Thank you for inviting me over. 378 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,473 Of course. You're Alan's best friend. 379 00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:24,375 Actually, you're Alan's only friend. 380 00:16:24,377 --> 00:16:26,077 (laughter) 381 00:16:26,079 --> 00:16:27,545 It's funny 'cause it's true. 382 00:16:27,547 --> 00:16:29,213 (laughter) 383 00:16:29,215 --> 00:16:30,982 Oh, honey, uh, could you pass the potatoes, please? 384 00:16:30,984 --> 00:16:33,918 Oh, I think you've already had plenty, doughboy. Mm. 385 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,586 (high-pitched): Ah-ha. 386 00:16:35,588 --> 00:16:36,688 (laughs) 387 00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:38,923 Well, I have to say, 388 00:16:38,925 --> 00:16:42,160 I was shocked when Alan told me you were getting married again. 389 00:16:42,162 --> 00:16:43,728 Oh, you were shocked? 390 00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:45,596 There was a time when just the thought 391 00:16:45,598 --> 00:16:47,699 of being touched by his tiny, clammy hands again 392 00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:49,767 made me throw up in my mouth a little. 393 00:16:49,769 --> 00:16:50,969 (laughs) 394 00:16:50,971 --> 00:16:52,203 That's all ancient history. 395 00:16:52,205 --> 00:16:55,873 Yeah, if ancient history was last Thursday. 396 00:16:55,875 --> 00:16:57,775 (Judith and Alan laugh) 397 00:16:57,777 --> 00:16:58,910 (both making kissing sound) 398 00:16:58,912 --> 00:17:01,346 Oh, isn't she great? 399 00:17:01,348 --> 00:17:02,880 No! 400 00:17:03,716 --> 00:17:04,849 She's treating you like crap. 401 00:17:04,851 --> 00:17:06,718 The only people that get to do that 402 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,686 are people that do it out of love, 403 00:17:08,688 --> 00:17:10,688 like me and Berta and your mom. 404 00:17:10,690 --> 00:17:12,457 Okay, fine. Me and Berta. 405 00:17:13,092 --> 00:17:15,026 Okay. Me. 406 00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:16,260 It's harmless. 407 00:17:16,262 --> 00:17:17,895 It's just Judith being funny. 408 00:17:17,897 --> 00:17:21,299 Did... did you just twitch? 409 00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:24,802 No, I was just talking about how funny Judith is. 410 00:17:24,804 --> 00:17:26,237 Okay, look me in the eye 411 00:17:26,239 --> 00:17:28,740 and tell me how much you love Judith without twitching. 412 00:17:28,742 --> 00:17:30,942 Fine. I love Judith. 413 00:17:31,744 --> 00:17:33,578 There, I said it. 414 00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:34,979 Alan. 415 00:17:35,714 --> 00:17:37,615 You cannot marry this woman. 416 00:17:37,617 --> 00:17:38,950 You deserve better. 417 00:17:38,952 --> 00:17:40,952 I mean, not much better, but better. 418 00:17:40,954 --> 00:17:42,053 You know who I deserve? 419 00:17:42,055 --> 00:17:43,921 I deserve Lyndsey, but I can't have her. 420 00:17:43,923 --> 00:17:46,424 She's marrying somebody else, so I'm taking what I can get. 421 00:17:46,426 --> 00:17:48,259 That's what I do. I'm a love scavenger. 422 00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:51,429 You're also a house scavenger and a money scavenger 423 00:17:51,431 --> 00:17:53,097 and an underwear scavenger. 424 00:17:53,099 --> 00:17:55,066 But that doesn't mean you have to settle. 425 00:17:55,068 --> 00:17:56,667 Yes, it does. I don't want to die alone. 426 00:17:56,669 --> 00:17:58,736 Maybe you don't realize it, but there aren't a lot of people 427 00:17:58,738 --> 00:18:00,671 who want to spend the rest of their lives with me. 428 00:18:00,673 --> 00:18:03,074 Oh, no, I realize it! 429 00:18:06,745 --> 00:18:08,913 Brooke, really, we can get a hotel for the night. 430 00:18:08,915 --> 00:18:10,214 No, no, no, Dad. It's fine. 431 00:18:10,216 --> 00:18:12,450 I'll sleep on the couch, and you guys stay in my room. 432 00:18:13,585 --> 00:18:16,120 Surprise! 433 00:18:16,122 --> 00:18:18,222 Who's this? 434 00:18:18,224 --> 00:18:21,159 Uh, Mom, Dad, this is, um... 435 00:18:21,161 --> 00:18:22,860 my girlfriend, Jenny. 436 00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:25,730 It's a pleasure to meet you! 437 00:18:25,732 --> 00:18:28,132 I like her. 438 00:18:31,703 --> 00:18:34,138 Oh, hey, I was thinking, now that Jake's gone... 439 00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:37,141 Mm? - ...I can turn his room into my man-cave. You know, a 440 00:18:37,143 --> 00:18:40,478 pinball machine, flat-screen TV, potter's wheel. 441 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,113 No, that's not going to happen. 442 00:18:42,115 --> 00:18:43,214 Oh, you have plans for it? 443 00:18:43,216 --> 00:18:44,348 No, I'm just not 444 00:18:44,350 --> 00:18:46,050 letting you get another potter's wheel. 445 00:18:47,719 --> 00:18:48,886 (laughs) 446 00:18:48,888 --> 00:18:50,288 Judith, I have to say, 447 00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:52,090 I cannot take my eyes off of that ring. 448 00:18:52,092 --> 00:18:53,958 I know. When I first saw it, 449 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,393 I thought it was as fake as the orgasms 450 00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:56,761 I used to have when we were married. 451 00:18:56,763 --> 00:18:57,929 (laughs) 452 00:18:57,931 --> 00:18:59,197 That's true. 453 00:18:59,199 --> 00:19:00,398 Very unsatisfactory lover. 454 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,799 (Judith laughs) 455 00:19:01,801 --> 00:19:03,434 JUDITH: But I mean, 456 00:19:03,436 --> 00:19:05,403 what woman could say no to this? 457 00:19:05,405 --> 00:19:06,838 I can think of one. 458 00:19:08,474 --> 00:19:09,974 Can you think of one, Alan? 459 00:19:11,510 --> 00:19:13,511 Uh, what's going on? 460 00:19:13,513 --> 00:19:14,912 Oh, nothing. I'm just glad 461 00:19:14,914 --> 00:19:17,115 that you were there to pick up the pieces 462 00:19:17,117 --> 00:19:18,716 after Lyndsey turned down Alan's proposal. 463 00:19:18,718 --> 00:19:21,119 What?! You proposed to her before me? 464 00:19:21,121 --> 00:19:22,653 Uh, well, technically, uh, what I... 465 00:19:22,655 --> 00:19:24,255 Oh, you didn't know? 466 00:19:25,858 --> 00:19:28,259 This is awkward. 467 00:19:28,261 --> 00:19:32,597 Open mouth, remove pie, insert foot. 468 00:19:32,599 --> 00:19:34,565 So, I'm your second choice?! 469 00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:36,601 No, d-doesn't matter who was second. 470 00:19:36,603 --> 00:19:39,237 Uh, y-you were the first to say yes! 471 00:19:40,105 --> 00:19:41,572 I will be the first 472 00:19:41,574 --> 00:19:44,275 to say yes to seconds of this pie. 473 00:19:44,277 --> 00:19:45,343 You are unbelievable! 474 00:19:45,345 --> 00:19:46,444 No, the important thing is 475 00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:47,845 that we found each other again. 476 00:19:47,847 --> 00:19:49,413 And you're willing to settle for me, 477 00:19:49,415 --> 00:19:51,115 and I'm willing to settle for you. 478 00:19:51,117 --> 00:19:52,283 Settle for this. 479 00:19:52,285 --> 00:19:54,452 Oh! God! 480 00:19:57,456 --> 00:19:59,790 I'm a good friend. 481 00:19:59,792 --> 00:20:01,759 ♪ Men. ♪ 482 00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,058 Hey. How's it going? 483 00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:12,560 Good. Thanks again for the potter's wheel. 484 00:20:13,062 --> 00:20:14,528 It's the least I could do. 485 00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:15,863 I cost you a wife. 486 00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:16,930 I'm just glad 487 00:20:16,932 --> 00:20:18,265 you, uh, came to your senses. 488 00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,500 Yeah, I was just scared. 489 00:20:19,502 --> 00:20:21,635 Didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. 490 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:25,139 Hey, as long as I'm around, you'll never be alone. 491 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,840 Ah, thanks, buddy. 492 00:20:26,842 --> 00:20:27,908 Oh, shoot. Aah! 493 00:20:27,910 --> 00:20:30,144 Oh, here. Let me help you out with that. 494 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,312 Oh. 495 00:20:50,298 --> 00:20:53,433 (yells) 496 00:20:53,435 --> 00:20:56,737 Thank God, it was just a dream. 497 00:20:56,739 --> 00:20:59,339 Are you okay, baby? Did you have a nightmare? 498 00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,508 (yells) 499 00:21:04,028 --> 00:21:07,264 (sighs) I got to get him out of here. 500 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:12,266 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man