00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:06,697 You, uh, got a minute, boss? 2 00:00:06,699 --> 00:00:08,098 Actually, I'm kind of busy. 3 00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,035 I'm pushing new code on an API for this e-comm platform. 4 00:00:11,037 --> 00:00:12,586 "I am from the future. 5 00:00:12,588 --> 00:00:14,989 I am a handsome robot." 6 00:00:14,991 --> 00:00:16,624 Look, I-I wouldn't bother you with this 7 00:00:16,626 --> 00:00:17,858 if I didn't think it was important. 8 00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:19,310 Okay. Just make it quick. 9 00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:20,444 That's my specialty. 10 00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:21,878 Ask any woman I've ever been with. 11 00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,838 I will call them both. 12 00:00:27,102 --> 00:00:28,085 What do you got? 13 00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:31,122 Behold your new 14 00:00:31,124 --> 00:00:32,440 coffee mug. 15 00:00:34,627 --> 00:00:36,510 What? 16 00:00:36,512 --> 00:00:38,579 Remember? You asked me to look for new mugs for your office. 17 00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:39,597 What do you think? 18 00:00:39,599 --> 00:00:41,382 Well, there's a hole on the top 19 00:00:41,384 --> 00:00:42,550 and no hole on the bottom. 20 00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:43,684 Nailed it. 21 00:00:43,686 --> 00:00:44,735 Thanks. 22 00:00:44,737 --> 00:00:45,903 Uh, so, uh, what do you want written on it? 23 00:00:45,905 --> 00:00:47,488 Written on it? 24 00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:48,506 Uh, your choices are 25 00:00:48,508 --> 00:00:50,174 "Coffee," "Java" or "Joe." 26 00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,293 I don't know. Just... Joe. 27 00:00:52,295 --> 00:00:53,460 Excellent choice. 28 00:00:53,462 --> 00:00:56,013 Although... what if you hire a guy named Joe? 29 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,815 I-I think the temptation for these mugs 30 00:00:57,817 --> 00:00:59,850 to walk out the door is a little too high. 31 00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,836 Fine. Just write "Coffee" on it. 32 00:01:01,838 --> 00:01:03,470 Great! Uh, coffee in the mug, 33 00:01:03,472 --> 00:01:05,556 and coffee on the mug. Love it! 34 00:01:05,558 --> 00:01:06,557 Oh, uh... 35 00:01:06,559 --> 00:01:07,908 but, uh, let me run this past you: 36 00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:10,411 "Java the Mug." 37 00:01:11,747 --> 00:01:14,081 You know, because of Star Wars. 38 00:01:14,083 --> 00:01:14,915 Stop! 39 00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:16,250 Right. Right. 40 00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:17,702 You're busy. 41 00:01:17,704 --> 00:01:19,003 Oh! Uh, one last thing. 42 00:01:19,005 --> 00:01:20,738 Oh, good God! Alan, 43 00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:22,089 I hired you as my assistant 44 00:01:22,091 --> 00:01:23,924 so I don't have to think about things like this. 45 00:01:23,926 --> 00:01:24,875 Oh, yeah, I know, 46 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,277 but I want to do a good job for you. 47 00:01:26,279 --> 00:01:27,762 I mean, you're gonna look at this every day 48 00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:28,996 and I don't want you to hate it. 49 00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:30,381 That does happen with things 50 00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:31,999 I look at every day. 51 00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:34,185 Okay, so one final question: 52 00:01:34,187 --> 00:01:37,104 do you want your mug to be left-handed or right-handed? 53 00:01:40,442 --> 00:01:41,959 You're kidding, right? 54 00:01:41,961 --> 00:01:43,878 No, some people hold 'em in their left hand, 55 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,480 some people hold 'em in their right hand. 56 00:01:47,699 --> 00:01:49,900 Mm-hmm. 57 00:01:54,289 --> 00:01:55,973 Wow. 58 00:01:55,975 --> 00:01:57,525 Okay. Okay. 59 00:01:57,527 --> 00:01:59,777 Changing your mug from "World's Greatest Boss" 60 00:01:59,779 --> 00:02:01,679 to "World's Smartest Boss." Okay. 61 00:02:01,681 --> 00:02:03,114 I'm gonna go pee. 62 00:02:03,116 --> 00:02:04,965 Oh, oh, as long as you're in the bathroom, uh, 63 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:07,885 I left three different types of toilet tissue in there for you. 64 00:02:07,887 --> 00:02:10,304 Uh, let me know which one is best. 65 00:02:10,306 --> 00:02:14,225 Oh! And the brown one is not a joke. 66 00:02:14,227 --> 00:02:16,060 "Hire me, Walden. I can be your assistant." 67 00:02:16,062 --> 00:02:19,397 You know what your mug should say? "World's Worst Employee." 68 00:02:22,084 --> 00:02:24,916 Oh, World's Second Worst Employee. 69 00:02:24,917 --> 00:02:28,917 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x03 ♪ This Unblessed Biscuit Original Air Date on October 10, 2013 70 00:02:28,942 --> 00:02:33,942 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 71 00:02:38,488 --> 00:02:40,706 Hey, nap time's over. 72 00:02:40,708 --> 00:02:41,941 I'm not napping. 73 00:02:41,943 --> 00:02:43,576 I threw my back out. 74 00:02:43,578 --> 00:02:45,344 My God, are you okay? What happened? 75 00:02:45,346 --> 00:02:49,448 It seized up when I was climbing into your bed to take a nap. 76 00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:52,118 Okay, uh, everything's gonna be okay. 77 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,286 Just... relax. 78 00:02:53,288 --> 00:02:54,787 Alan, get up here! 79 00:02:54,789 --> 00:02:56,122 Why are you calling Zippy? 80 00:02:56,124 --> 00:02:57,757 He's a chiropractor-- he can help. 81 00:02:57,759 --> 00:02:59,058 Oh, stop. 82 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:01,861 It hurts when I laugh. Oh. 83 00:03:01,863 --> 00:03:03,796 Has this happened before? 84 00:03:03,798 --> 00:03:06,165 Once. At a bike rally in Sturgis. 85 00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:09,135 Me and a couple of Hells Angels decided to drop acid 86 00:03:09,137 --> 00:03:10,870 and get naked. 87 00:03:11,338 --> 00:03:13,539 Alan! 88 00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:14,840 What's going on? 89 00:03:14,842 --> 00:03:16,208 Is something wrong? 90 00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,510 Berta threw her back out. 91 00:03:17,512 --> 00:03:19,278 Oh, no. What should we do? 92 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,846 Well, I called a chiropractor. 93 00:03:20,848 --> 00:03:22,415 Great. 94 00:03:23,617 --> 00:03:25,318 Oh, me! Oh... 95 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:26,452 Duh. 96 00:03:26,454 --> 00:03:28,187 Well, uh, let's see what we got here. 97 00:03:28,189 --> 00:03:29,322 Where's the pain? 98 00:03:29,324 --> 00:03:32,224 Standing in front of me asking stupid questions. 99 00:03:32,226 --> 00:03:34,360 Berta, be nice. Alan's a doctor. 100 00:03:34,362 --> 00:03:36,495 Oh. Oh. 101 00:03:36,497 --> 00:03:37,863 Yes, yes, ha-ha. 102 00:03:37,865 --> 00:03:39,332 But I can help you. 103 00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:41,434 Although I am legally obligated to tell you 104 00:03:41,436 --> 00:03:42,735 my license has expired. 105 00:03:42,737 --> 00:03:44,553 But thankfully backs haven't changed that much 106 00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:46,939 since my unsuccessful board review. 107 00:03:46,941 --> 00:03:48,924 So, uh, you can't move at all? 108 00:03:48,926 --> 00:03:50,860 Every time I do, it tightens up more. 109 00:03:50,862 --> 00:03:52,395 Oh, sounds like a classic back spasm. 110 00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:54,497 You probably just need bed rest and ice, uh, 111 00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,033 but, just in case, let me see if you need a spinal adjustment. 112 00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:58,934 Touch me and you die. 113 00:03:58,936 --> 00:04:02,488 She may also need an attitude adjustment. 114 00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:05,408 Okay, I'll call my doctor and have him come take a look. 115 00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:08,110 Western medicine. He'll probably just prescribe pain killers. 116 00:04:08,112 --> 00:04:09,412 Call him. 117 00:04:09,414 --> 00:04:11,697 I will. In the meantime, 118 00:04:11,699 --> 00:04:13,115 you stay here as long as you need. 119 00:04:13,117 --> 00:04:14,333 I'll take the guest room. 120 00:04:14,335 --> 00:04:17,636 Why? My back's out but my front still works. 121 00:04:17,638 --> 00:04:21,223 Be like Sturgis all over again. 122 00:04:21,225 --> 00:04:23,426 Oh... 123 00:04:25,178 --> 00:04:26,512 Morning. 124 00:04:26,514 --> 00:04:28,147 Hey. 125 00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:30,399 Hey, were you alone last night? 126 00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:31,417 Yeah, why? 127 00:04:31,419 --> 00:04:34,737 Because from 11:15 to 11:22, 128 00:04:34,739 --> 00:04:36,822 all I heard was, "Oh, yeah, 129 00:04:36,824 --> 00:04:39,775 that's the way Daddy likes it." 130 00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:44,663 Oh, um... 131 00:04:44,665 --> 00:04:47,616 Uh, right, the-the walls are really thin, 132 00:04:47,618 --> 00:04:49,668 uh, between my bedroom and the guest room, 133 00:04:49,670 --> 00:04:52,088 and I-I was watching TV. 134 00:04:52,090 --> 00:04:53,389 Hmm. 135 00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:56,392 So the same show came on again at 1:30 136 00:04:56,394 --> 00:04:58,277 and then again at 4:15? 137 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:00,129 Huh. 138 00:05:00,131 --> 00:05:02,515 Weird. 139 00:05:02,517 --> 00:05:04,116 Can I ask you something? 140 00:05:04,118 --> 00:05:05,101 Mm-hmm. 141 00:05:05,103 --> 00:05:07,937 What is wrong with Daddy? 142 00:05:07,939 --> 00:05:10,639 He's lonely, okay? 143 00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:12,725 Can you just let it go? 144 00:05:12,727 --> 00:05:14,843 I should ask you the same question. 145 00:05:16,846 --> 00:05:18,280 What are you doing? 146 00:05:18,282 --> 00:05:19,982 Well, since Berta is incapacitated, 147 00:05:19,984 --> 00:05:23,202 I have taken the initiative to design and build a chore wheel. 148 00:05:23,204 --> 00:05:24,520 What is a chore wheel? 149 00:05:24,522 --> 00:05:27,239 It is a wheel with a variety of chores on the outside 150 00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:28,791 and names on the inside. 151 00:05:28,793 --> 00:05:30,326 I got the idea from my brother Charlie, 152 00:05:30,328 --> 00:05:32,128 who had a whore wheel. 153 00:05:34,364 --> 00:05:36,315 The only name on it is "Walden"" 154 00:05:36,317 --> 00:05:40,119 Ah, that's because it was my chore to make the chore wheel. 155 00:05:40,121 --> 00:05:41,804 And your first chore 156 00:05:41,806 --> 00:05:43,255 is... 157 00:05:43,257 --> 00:05:44,707 "cleaning Alan's room." 158 00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,091 Ooh. 159 00:05:46,093 --> 00:05:49,411 That's gonna be tough after last night. 160 00:05:50,213 --> 00:05:53,048 Maybe you should have Daddy do it. 161 00:05:56,069 --> 00:05:59,188 Whoa, somebody found my stash. 162 00:05:59,190 --> 00:06:01,390 Wasn't hard. It was right here in this box 163 00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:04,643 that says "Not Pot." 164 00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:06,362 Very clever. 165 00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:08,197 I didn't want anybody to find my pot. 166 00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:09,582 I was about to write, uh, 167 00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:12,751 "This Box Contains Poisonous Jumping Bugs," 168 00:06:12,753 --> 00:06:14,954 but then I thought, "What if this magic marker 169 00:06:14,956 --> 00:06:16,872 "is actually magic and it turns my pot 170 00:06:16,874 --> 00:06:19,425 into poisonous jumping bugs?" 171 00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:22,744 I was really high. 172 00:06:22,746 --> 00:06:24,930 Uh, you know, I-I really don't think it's a good idea 173 00:06:24,932 --> 00:06:27,249 to mix marijuana with muscle relaxers. 174 00:06:27,251 --> 00:06:28,851 Oh, those pills are long gone. 175 00:06:28,853 --> 00:06:30,970 What? You had a good two weeks' worth. 176 00:06:30,972 --> 00:06:33,389 Or a great one night's worth. 177 00:06:33,391 --> 00:06:35,374 Oh, bacon. 178 00:06:35,376 --> 00:06:37,960 You guys take such good care of me. 179 00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,745 That's because you take good care of us. 180 00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:42,565 That's because I love you guys. 181 00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,617 I love you more. Shh! 182 00:06:44,619 --> 00:06:46,468 How's your back feeling? 183 00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:48,103 Actually, a lot better. 184 00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:50,322 I think I'm ready to go back to work. 185 00:06:50,324 --> 00:06:51,740 Oh, really? So you can get up? 186 00:06:51,742 --> 00:06:53,826 Absolutely. 187 00:06:53,828 --> 00:06:55,811 Am I up? 188 00:06:55,813 --> 00:06:56,812 No. 189 00:06:56,814 --> 00:06:58,564 Damn. 190 00:06:58,566 --> 00:07:00,399 How 'bout now? 191 00:07:01,735 --> 00:07:03,419 Yep, looking good. 192 00:07:03,421 --> 00:07:05,204 Told you. 193 00:07:05,206 --> 00:07:08,424 Hey! Bacon! 194 00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:15,314 Why do these have windows? 195 00:07:17,751 --> 00:07:18,851 I don't need to see inside. 196 00:07:18,853 --> 00:07:21,887 I trust 'em to wash and dry the clothes. 197 00:07:21,889 --> 00:07:23,439 You know, when you think about it, 198 00:07:23,441 --> 00:07:25,691 a lot of appliances have windows. 199 00:07:25,693 --> 00:07:26,975 Ovens, 200 00:07:26,977 --> 00:07:28,744 microwaves. 201 00:07:30,163 --> 00:07:33,732 Wait a minute. Are we watching them or are they watching us? 202 00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:36,652 Got a little contact high in there with Berta, 203 00:07:36,654 --> 00:07:38,787 did you? Shh! 204 00:07:38,789 --> 00:07:40,656 Not in front of the washer. 205 00:07:43,176 --> 00:07:45,711 Hey, how old do you think Berta is anyway? 206 00:07:45,713 --> 00:07:48,797 I don't even know her last name. 207 00:07:48,799 --> 00:07:52,651 You know, I'm just thinkin', I mean, she hurt her back. 208 00:07:52,653 --> 00:07:54,503 It's taking her a while to recover. 209 00:07:54,505 --> 00:07:57,456 I mean, maybe this job's just getting to be too much for her. 210 00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:58,340 Really? 211 00:07:58,342 --> 00:07:59,441 Yeah, I don't know. 212 00:07:59,443 --> 00:08:00,693 I mean, she's not getting any younger, 213 00:08:00,695 --> 00:08:02,695 and it's a pretty labor-intensive job. 214 00:08:02,697 --> 00:08:07,116 Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear? 215 00:08:08,118 --> 00:08:10,402 Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges 216 00:08:10,404 --> 00:08:12,154 to make the tree look bigger? 217 00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:23,465 Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard. 218 00:08:24,301 --> 00:08:26,418 We, when the police raid the house 219 00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,337 and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, 220 00:08:28,339 --> 00:08:30,389 that's not gonna be good for any of us. 221 00:08:30,391 --> 00:08:32,141 Neither is a drawer full of pot. 222 00:08:32,143 --> 00:08:36,261 That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it. 223 00:08:36,263 --> 00:08:39,131 So are you saying you think it's time for Berta to retire? 224 00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:41,533 I don't know. Everyone slows down eventually. 225 00:08:41,535 --> 00:08:43,719 Mmm, maybe you're right. 226 00:08:43,721 --> 00:08:46,905 Maybe it's time to put the old girl out to pasture. 227 00:08:46,907 --> 00:08:50,576 Send her off to the housekeeper farm upstate. 228 00:08:50,578 --> 00:08:53,195 That might not be the best way to tell her. 229 00:08:53,197 --> 00:08:55,564 What? The-the farm is a beautiful place. 230 00:08:55,566 --> 00:08:59,251 She can run out in the fields with all the other housekeepers. 231 00:08:59,253 --> 00:09:01,870 There's sponges and fabric softener 232 00:09:01,872 --> 00:09:04,340 as far as the eye can see. 233 00:09:04,342 --> 00:09:08,310 And the only dishes left in the sink are made of chocolate. 234 00:09:08,312 --> 00:09:11,664 I may be a little stoned, too. 235 00:09:11,666 --> 00:09:15,100 You ever hear about the roommate farm? 236 00:09:18,188 --> 00:09:19,838 Berta. 237 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,890 We got a little surprise for you. 238 00:09:21,892 --> 00:09:23,609 Chuck Norris? 239 00:09:24,427 --> 00:09:27,730 Fried chicken, cheesecake and beer. 240 00:09:27,732 --> 00:09:31,617 That's what my first husband requested for his last meal. 241 00:09:31,619 --> 00:09:33,435 Am I dying? 242 00:09:33,437 --> 00:09:34,703 Oh, don't be silly. 243 00:09:34,705 --> 00:09:36,121 Do you like farms? 244 00:09:36,123 --> 00:09:37,489 - What? - Oh. 245 00:09:37,491 --> 00:09:40,826 I-I think what he's trying to say is, 246 00:09:40,828 --> 00:09:45,047 have you ever thought about hanging up the old toilet brush? 247 00:09:45,049 --> 00:09:48,400 Raising that vest up to the rafters? 248 00:09:48,402 --> 00:09:51,053 Oh, my God, you're firing me. 249 00:09:51,055 --> 00:09:53,172 No. I-I would never fire you. 250 00:09:53,174 --> 00:09:54,640 I'm talking about retirement. 251 00:09:54,642 --> 00:09:55,708 Just kicking back, 252 00:09:55,710 --> 00:09:57,810 taking it easy, getting high every day. 253 00:09:57,812 --> 00:09:59,645 I do that now. 254 00:10:01,131 --> 00:10:03,332 Besides, I can't afford to retire. 255 00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,384 Well, what about that pension plan I set up for you? 256 00:10:05,386 --> 00:10:07,469 I'll tell you what happened to it: life. 257 00:10:07,471 --> 00:10:09,137 Your house needs a new roof, 258 00:10:09,139 --> 00:10:10,773 your grandson needs braces, 259 00:10:10,775 --> 00:10:13,842 your daughter's meth lab explodes. 260 00:10:13,844 --> 00:10:15,160 What were you planning on doing, 261 00:10:15,162 --> 00:10:16,528 working for the rest of your life? 262 00:10:16,530 --> 00:10:19,998 Nah, I thought about, uh, getting a villa in Tuscany. 263 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,785 Then I said, "Nah, I'll just hang around here 264 00:10:22,787 --> 00:10:26,088 and clean the skid marks out of Zippy's underwear." 265 00:10:29,459 --> 00:10:31,043 How about this? 266 00:10:31,045 --> 00:10:35,013 What if you could make the same money you're making now 267 00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:37,116 and never have to work again? 268 00:10:37,118 --> 00:10:38,851 One last job? I like it. 269 00:10:38,853 --> 00:10:40,619 Am I driving or shooting? 270 00:10:40,621 --> 00:10:43,138 No. You retire, 271 00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:45,641 and I'll pay you for the rest of your life. 272 00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:47,776 You're gonna pay me for doing nothing? 273 00:10:47,778 --> 00:10:49,611 Yeah. I call it the Alan Harper Plan. 274 00:10:51,347 --> 00:10:53,115 Where's this coming from? 275 00:10:53,117 --> 00:10:56,301 Uh, we're-we're just... worried about you. 276 00:10:56,303 --> 00:10:59,288 This is a tough job, especially for a woman of your age. 277 00:10:59,290 --> 00:11:00,956 What? 278 00:11:00,958 --> 00:11:03,542 He said it's hard for a woman your age to do this job. 279 00:11:03,544 --> 00:11:04,510 I heard him! 280 00:11:04,512 --> 00:11:05,794 Oh. 281 00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:07,663 I can do the job just fine. 282 00:11:07,665 --> 00:11:09,965 Really? Because you basically bent over 283 00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:12,651 and haven't been able to get out of bed for two days. 284 00:11:12,653 --> 00:11:16,171 So you just want to treat me like some pathetic charity case 285 00:11:16,173 --> 00:11:17,673 you can throw money at. 286 00:11:17,675 --> 00:11:20,192 Oh, no-no one's saying you're a charity case. 287 00:11:20,194 --> 00:11:21,560 Although, I, on the other hand, 288 00:11:21,562 --> 00:11:24,045 would be happy to be one of Walden's Kids. 289 00:11:26,432 --> 00:11:29,034 I'm just trying to do something nice for you. 290 00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,769 By giving me a handout? 291 00:11:30,771 --> 00:11:33,572 Unlike you, I've worked for every cent I ever made. 292 00:11:33,574 --> 00:11:34,373 Excuse me? 293 00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:35,958 You got rich from one idea. 294 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,460 You have no clue what it's like to work for a living. 295 00:11:38,462 --> 00:11:41,113 Okay, I am not gonna apologize for being successful. 296 00:11:41,115 --> 00:11:42,498 No, you are not, my friend. 297 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,999 Shut up! Shut up! 298 00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:45,567 And please, "work for a living"? 299 00:11:45,569 --> 00:11:47,836 You hurt your back trying to take a nap! 300 00:11:47,838 --> 00:11:49,204 You know what? 301 00:11:49,206 --> 00:11:50,939 I don't have to take this crap. 302 00:11:50,941 --> 00:11:52,257 Well, that makes two of us. 303 00:11:52,259 --> 00:11:53,826 It's settled then. I quit. 304 00:11:53,828 --> 00:11:56,595 Oh, no! Where am I gonna find someone to eat my food, 305 00:11:56,597 --> 00:11:59,748 smoke my pot and sleep in my bed?! 306 00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:00,799 Oh... 307 00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:02,734 Shut up! 308 00:12:12,492 --> 00:12:15,044 So what do you think? Was I right, or what? 309 00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:17,246 Yes, Helen is great. 310 00:12:17,248 --> 00:12:18,647 Although I still don't understand 311 00:12:18,649 --> 00:12:21,283 why we couldn't at least interview a topless maid. 312 00:12:21,285 --> 00:12:23,535 Or four. 313 00:12:23,537 --> 00:12:25,304 Will you forget about the topless maids? 314 00:12:25,306 --> 00:12:27,139 I will never forget about the topless maids. 315 00:12:27,141 --> 00:12:28,424 You saw the video. 316 00:12:28,426 --> 00:12:31,827 "The only thing dirty in your house will be me." 317 00:12:33,831 --> 00:12:34,897 Supper time, boys. 318 00:12:34,899 --> 00:12:36,098 Oh. Oh. 319 00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:39,268 Helen, this lemonade is delicious. 320 00:12:39,270 --> 00:12:41,837 That's because I have a secret ingredient. 321 00:12:41,839 --> 00:12:43,072 Oh, really? What-What is it? 322 00:12:43,074 --> 00:12:44,206 Love. 323 00:12:44,208 --> 00:12:46,342 Aw! Oh! 324 00:12:46,344 --> 00:12:48,210 And, like, a pound of sugar. 325 00:12:49,914 --> 00:12:52,081 Hey, you still miss Berta? 326 00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:53,349 Miss Berta who? 327 00:12:53,351 --> 00:12:56,485 Hey, maybe that's her last name, "Who"" 328 00:12:56,487 --> 00:12:58,420 More like, "Who Cares." 329 00:13:00,791 --> 00:13:03,125 Oh, my God, look at this! 330 00:13:03,127 --> 00:13:05,027 And for dessert, 331 00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:07,196 when your tummy starts to rumble, 332 00:13:07,198 --> 00:13:09,431 there's Helen's apple crumble. 333 00:13:10,534 --> 00:13:12,468 Shut your mouth. 334 00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:14,403 I won't. 335 00:13:14,405 --> 00:13:15,871 You shouldn't. 336 00:13:17,341 --> 00:13:20,075 The only thing Berta ever made with an apple was a bong. 337 00:13:20,077 --> 00:13:22,444 Oh, she sounds like a hoot-and-a-half. 338 00:13:23,347 --> 00:13:24,880 Well, enjoy, boys! 339 00:13:24,882 --> 00:13:27,082 Oh, no, no, no, no, come join us. 340 00:13:27,084 --> 00:13:29,118 Oh. 341 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,855 Well, thank you very much. 342 00:13:32,857 --> 00:13:33,872 Oh. 343 00:13:33,874 --> 00:13:35,107 The only thing sweeter 344 00:13:35,109 --> 00:13:38,744 than your manners is my peach cobbler. 345 00:13:39,429 --> 00:13:42,230 Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night. 346 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,568 Well, I will be a gobbler of your cobbler. 347 00:13:46,570 --> 00:13:50,422 I am gonna stitch that on a pillow. 348 00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:55,177 Oh, do you... do you mind if I say grace? 349 00:13:55,179 --> 00:13:58,230 Oh. Yeah, sure, go ahead. 350 00:13:58,232 --> 00:14:01,250 Uh, should I eat this unblessed biscuit, or spit it out? 351 00:14:01,252 --> 00:14:02,551 Dear Lord, 352 00:14:02,553 --> 00:14:05,220 we thank you for the food that we are 353 00:14:05,222 --> 00:14:08,057 about to receive, and all of the other blessings 354 00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:10,109 that you have bestowed upon us. 355 00:14:10,111 --> 00:14:11,927 Hmm. That was beautiful. 356 00:14:11,929 --> 00:14:12,895 And we humbly ask 357 00:14:12,897 --> 00:14:15,097 that you help Alan and Walden 358 00:14:15,099 --> 00:14:16,615 find the path to righteousness. 359 00:14:16,617 --> 00:14:17,900 Wait. 360 00:14:17,902 --> 00:14:19,168 What? 361 00:14:19,170 --> 00:14:20,435 And lead them out 362 00:14:20,437 --> 00:14:23,939 of their sinful homosexual lifestyles... 363 00:14:25,241 --> 00:14:26,742 ...lest 364 00:14:26,744 --> 00:14:29,945 their souls burn in the fiery pits of hell 365 00:14:29,947 --> 00:14:34,683 for all eternity with all of the other Sodomites. 366 00:14:36,252 --> 00:14:37,669 Amen. Can I get some sweet potatoes? 367 00:14:37,671 --> 00:14:39,872 Oh, sure. 368 00:14:40,924 --> 00:14:42,224 Alan? 369 00:14:42,226 --> 00:14:43,592 What? She already thinks 370 00:14:43,594 --> 00:14:46,345 we're gobbling each others' cobblers. 371 00:14:53,254 --> 00:14:54,436 When you're finished with that dish, 372 00:14:54,438 --> 00:14:56,071 just leave it, and I'll take care of it. 373 00:14:56,073 --> 00:14:57,106 Oh, thank you, Colleen. 374 00:14:57,108 --> 00:14:58,323 No problem. 375 00:14:58,325 --> 00:15:00,526 I'm gonna go make the beds. 376 00:15:01,928 --> 00:15:03,579 I don't want to spoil the surprise, 377 00:15:03,581 --> 00:15:05,864 but I'm pretty sure she was carrying a little bag 378 00:15:05,866 --> 00:15:07,282 ♪ of pillow chocolates. 379 00:15:07,284 --> 00:15:09,101 I have to admit, she's pretty terrific. 380 00:15:09,103 --> 00:15:11,620 Right? I mean, she's a good cook, she's punctual. 381 00:15:11,622 --> 00:15:13,355 She's accepting of our lifestyle. 382 00:15:13,357 --> 00:15:18,527 There is no lifestyle to accept. 383 00:15:18,529 --> 00:15:20,212 But if things change, it's nice to know 384 00:15:20,214 --> 00:15:21,797 we won't lose a great housekeeper. 385 00:15:26,087 --> 00:15:27,469 That's-that's not me. 386 00:15:27,471 --> 00:15:28,871 Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen. 387 00:15:28,873 --> 00:15:33,425 Um, Colleen? 388 00:15:33,427 --> 00:15:35,677 Oh, for the love of God, just turn it off. 389 00:15:37,981 --> 00:15:39,965 Oh, dear. 390 00:15:39,967 --> 00:15:41,283 What? 391 00:15:41,285 --> 00:15:44,303 Look at this. 392 00:15:44,305 --> 00:15:45,687 Oh! 393 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,175 Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this. 394 00:15:50,177 --> 00:15:52,211 I mean, she's a... she's a single woman, 395 00:15:52,213 --> 00:15:54,179 probably just trying to protect herself. 396 00:15:54,181 --> 00:15:56,364 So, what's this one for? 397 00:15:57,650 --> 00:16:00,068 She has two guns? 398 00:16:00,070 --> 00:16:02,337 Uh... 399 00:16:02,339 --> 00:16:05,207 I count four... 400 00:16:05,209 --> 00:16:08,093 and what looks like a shank. 401 00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:10,395 Okay, you get to fire this one. 402 00:16:10,397 --> 00:16:11,880 Did I hear my phone? 403 00:16:15,151 --> 00:16:17,886 Alan has something he'd like to tell you. 404 00:16:19,923 --> 00:16:21,723 I think I made a pillow chocolate 405 00:16:21,725 --> 00:16:23,959 in my boys' huskies. 406 00:16:25,094 --> 00:16:28,080 Okay. Well, our last housekeeper, 407 00:16:28,082 --> 00:16:30,082 um, cleaned. Mm. 408 00:16:30,084 --> 00:16:31,917 And, uh, sometimes cooked for us. 409 00:16:31,919 --> 00:16:33,702 Is that something that you're comfortable with? 410 00:16:33,704 --> 00:16:36,021 Sure. What would you like me to cook? 411 00:16:36,023 --> 00:16:38,073 Oh, I-I don't know. 412 00:16:38,075 --> 00:16:40,209 For breakfast, I like pancakes. Mm-hmm. 413 00:16:40,211 --> 00:16:44,613 Of course. Pancakes! 414 00:16:44,615 --> 00:16:47,499 I'm... I'm-I'm sorry. 415 00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:48,934 You see an African-American woman, 416 00:16:48,936 --> 00:16:50,636 and the first thing you think is, 417 00:16:50,638 --> 00:16:52,888 "Aunt Jemima going to whip us up some flapjacks." 418 00:16:52,890 --> 00:16:54,323 Oh! 419 00:16:54,325 --> 00:16:56,058 No! No! No! No, no. Um... 420 00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:57,943 Do I need to bring my own bandana, 421 00:16:57,945 --> 00:17:00,279 or are you going to supply me with one? 422 00:17:00,281 --> 00:17:02,147 Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. We just, uh... 423 00:17:02,149 --> 00:17:03,815 You know, we really like pancakes. Yeah. 424 00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:05,403 But, you know, I suppose waffles are-are fine. 425 00:17:05,428 --> 00:17:06,236 Yeah, waffles. 426 00:17:06,237 --> 00:17:09,104 Chicken and waffles? 427 00:17:09,106 --> 00:17:10,956 You know what? Let's... 428 00:17:10,958 --> 00:17:12,658 Let's just forget breakfast. 429 00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:14,626 I'll just... I'll just have coffee. 430 00:17:14,628 --> 00:17:16,044 How do you take it? 431 00:17:16,046 --> 00:17:17,446 Bla... 432 00:17:19,716 --> 00:17:21,550 I prefer tea. 433 00:17:22,969 --> 00:17:25,821 Um, so, are you okay with doing laundry? 434 00:17:25,823 --> 00:17:28,257 Yeah. And I suppose you want me 435 00:17:28,259 --> 00:17:32,144 to separate the whites from the colors. 436 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:36,164 Um, but you are aware 437 00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:38,300 you're applying for a job as a housekeeper? 438 00:17:38,302 --> 00:17:40,769 Oh, so, now I don't know why I'm here? 439 00:17:41,637 --> 00:17:43,989 Um, I'm not sure you do. 440 00:17:43,991 --> 00:17:46,742 What?! Okay, okay. Let's... 441 00:17:47,977 --> 00:17:49,428 Everybody just calm down. 442 00:17:49,430 --> 00:17:51,280 Oh, so now I've got to calm down 443 00:17:51,282 --> 00:17:53,749 just because I was diagnosed with schizophrenia?! 444 00:17:54,984 --> 00:17:57,452 Can you believe these fools, Donny? 445 00:18:03,927 --> 00:18:07,629 Okay, I think we have all the information we need. 446 00:18:07,631 --> 00:18:10,115 Mm-hmm. Um... we'll be in touch. 447 00:18:10,117 --> 00:18:12,434 Great. 448 00:18:12,436 --> 00:18:14,920 Let me know if you need any references. 449 00:18:16,823 --> 00:18:19,007 Oh, you all have a lovely home. 450 00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:25,964 Donny, come on now! 451 00:18:28,484 --> 00:18:30,736 No, no. You know what? I changed my mind. 452 00:18:30,738 --> 00:18:32,537 I don't want to talk to Berta. 453 00:18:32,539 --> 00:18:35,190 Too bad. You wouldn't let a topless maid make your bed, 454 00:18:35,192 --> 00:18:36,959 and now you've got to lie in it. 455 00:18:37,944 --> 00:18:40,429 All right, well, I am not going to apologize. 456 00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:41,546 You won't have to. 457 00:18:41,548 --> 00:18:43,531 She said if you made an effort and came to her, 458 00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:45,550 that she'd be more than happy to apologize to you. 459 00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:49,137 Zippy says you want to apologize. 460 00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:52,641 See what I did there? Can we come in? 461 00:18:52,643 --> 00:18:54,593 No, place is a mess. 462 00:18:54,595 --> 00:18:57,746 I was a jerk to my housekeeper, so she quit. 463 00:18:57,748 --> 00:18:59,798 Okay, that's it. I'm out of here. 464 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,184 Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that difficult to say you're sorry? 465 00:19:02,186 --> 00:19:04,436 It is when you have nothing to say you're sorry for. 466 00:19:04,438 --> 00:19:07,022 Are you that clueless? You hurt my feelings. 467 00:19:07,024 --> 00:19:10,158 You hurt my feelings, and you smoked all my pot, 468 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,412 so I had no way of not feeling what I was feeling. 469 00:19:14,914 --> 00:19:16,248 Okay, okay, dialogue is good. 470 00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:18,083 Now let's see if we can find some common ground. 471 00:19:18,085 --> 00:19:18,900 You're an idiot. 472 00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:20,335 Agree. 473 00:19:22,171 --> 00:19:25,540 Look, I... I... 474 00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:28,743 was trying to help you because I care about you. 475 00:19:28,745 --> 00:19:31,430 Not because I see you as a charity case. 476 00:19:31,432 --> 00:19:33,699 And I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. 477 00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:36,251 I'm sorry I overreacted. 478 00:19:36,253 --> 00:19:38,136 Besides, I was so high, 479 00:19:38,138 --> 00:19:41,023 I thought you were a talking dragon. 480 00:19:44,894 --> 00:19:48,430 It is really good stuff. 481 00:19:48,432 --> 00:19:51,867 That's the stuff I give my grandkids at Christmas. 482 00:19:53,169 --> 00:19:56,705 It's funny cause I get it from a guy named Jesus. 483 00:19:58,324 --> 00:20:00,775 So, what do you say? Will you come back? 484 00:20:00,777 --> 00:20:02,811 I don't know. 485 00:20:02,813 --> 00:20:04,946 You may be right. 486 00:20:04,948 --> 00:20:08,166 I might not be able to do everything I used to do. 487 00:20:08,168 --> 00:20:10,552 Well, we'll work around it, right? 488 00:20:10,554 --> 00:20:12,804 Oh, absolutely. What-whatever it takes. 489 00:20:13,823 --> 00:20:15,057 Deal? 490 00:20:15,059 --> 00:20:16,708 Deal. 491 00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:18,793 Come on in, I'll make you a cup of coffee. 492 00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:27,319 Not funny! 493 00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:29,187 Mm. 494 00:20:35,578 --> 00:20:37,729 Still not funny! 495 00:20:48,806 --> 00:20:50,823 I'm glad you're back. 496 00:20:50,825 --> 00:20:54,160 Me, too, and I really appreciate you getting me some help. 497 00:20:54,162 --> 00:20:56,246 It's the least I could do. 498 00:20:56,248 --> 00:20:58,097 And I have to admit, 499 00:20:58,099 --> 00:20:59,882 Alan was right about hiring a topless maid. 500 00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:02,051 Oh. 501 00:21:08,219 --> 00:21:11,805 If it wasn't in the hamper, it's not going in the washer. 502 00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:14,140 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man