00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:02,515 --> 00:00:04,832 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:14,194 --> 00:00:15,727 Really? 3 00:00:15,729 --> 00:00:17,629 Do you have to do this right now? 4 00:00:17,631 --> 00:00:20,782 Wow, that's the first time anyone ever complained 5 00:00:20,784 --> 00:00:22,951 about me doing too much work around here. 6 00:00:24,620 --> 00:00:26,354 Why don't you go do that on the deck? 7 00:00:26,356 --> 00:00:28,373 Because... this is my house. 8 00:00:28,375 --> 00:00:29,774 I can work out wherever I want. 9 00:00:29,776 --> 00:00:31,626 Besides, when I do yoga on the deck, 10 00:00:31,628 --> 00:00:33,828 the kids on the beach call me gay. 11 00:00:33,830 --> 00:00:36,831 You sure that's not because you live with a middle-aged man? 12 00:00:40,302 --> 00:00:41,753 Morning. 13 00:00:41,755 --> 00:00:43,171 Morning. 14 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:44,305 Ooh, a little yoga? 15 00:00:44,307 --> 00:00:46,207 Yeah, I'm just trying to clear my head. 16 00:00:49,878 --> 00:00:51,579 Um, speaking of heads, 17 00:00:51,581 --> 00:00:54,182 Buddha's poking his out of the temple. 18 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,250 You know what? If I lived here alone, it wouldn't matter. 19 00:00:56,252 --> 00:00:57,302 Right. 20 00:00:57,304 --> 00:00:59,086 Sorry. Namaste. 21 00:01:01,173 --> 00:01:02,891 What does "Namast" actually mean? 22 00:01:02,893 --> 00:01:03,858 Get out! 23 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,110 Okay. 24 00:01:05,112 --> 00:01:07,762 I'm gonna "nama-not-stay" right here. 25 00:01:07,764 --> 00:01:10,048 Okay, focus. 26 00:01:10,050 --> 00:01:12,267 I want peace... 27 00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:14,686 I want serenity... 28 00:01:15,739 --> 00:01:17,088 I want a murder weapon. 29 00:01:21,794 --> 00:01:22,794 Dude! 30 00:01:22,796 --> 00:01:24,946 You need to relax. 31 00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:26,297 Do some yoga or something. 32 00:01:26,299 --> 00:01:27,916 What is that? 33 00:01:27,918 --> 00:01:29,617 It's a holistic hangover cure. 34 00:01:29,619 --> 00:01:32,053 Kale, wheatgrass, three shots of tequila. 35 00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:33,254 Cheers. 36 00:01:34,924 --> 00:01:36,174 You know what? Screw it. 37 00:01:36,176 --> 00:01:37,592 I'm gonna stay drunk. 38 00:01:42,481 --> 00:01:43,965 Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little 39 00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:45,633 too much ginger last night. 40 00:01:45,635 --> 00:01:46,968 Oh, you had sushi for dinner? 41 00:01:48,821 --> 00:01:51,239 Yeah, let's go with that. 42 00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:52,774 It's crazy, isn't it? 43 00:01:52,776 --> 00:01:53,942 We finally get rid of Jake, 44 00:01:53,944 --> 00:01:55,326 and now we got another one on our hands. 45 00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:56,361 Yeah, about that... 46 00:01:56,363 --> 00:01:59,013 What is the long-range plan here? 47 00:01:59,015 --> 00:02:00,498 I don't know. 48 00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:01,666 I always thought we'd spend 49 00:02:01,668 --> 00:02:03,168 our golden years together. 50 00:02:03,170 --> 00:02:05,203 Eventually, maybe sell the beach house, 51 00:02:05,205 --> 00:02:06,621 move to the desert, 52 00:02:06,623 --> 00:02:08,840 spend our days toiling in our cactus garden. 53 00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:12,627 Yeah, that sounds swell, but... 54 00:02:12,629 --> 00:02:13,928 Go out to early bird dinners 55 00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:15,663 wearing matching jumpsuits... Okay. 56 00:02:15,665 --> 00:02:17,331 Look, I'm not gonna wear a jump... 57 00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:18,750 All right. You know what? 58 00:02:18,752 --> 00:02:20,668 Let's try this another way. 59 00:02:20,670 --> 00:02:24,072 Uh, in your romantic fantasy of our future, 60 00:02:24,074 --> 00:02:25,807 where is Jenny? 61 00:02:25,809 --> 00:02:27,442 She'll spend Christmas with us, 62 00:02:27,444 --> 00:02:29,227 but we're gonna want our alone time. 63 00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:31,646 Okay, let's focus on that word "alone." 64 00:02:31,648 --> 00:02:32,614 Mm-hmm. 65 00:02:32,616 --> 00:02:34,933 Having house guests is the best. 66 00:02:34,935 --> 00:02:36,768 You know, you get excited to see them, 67 00:02:36,770 --> 00:02:38,352 you put out the fluffy towels, 68 00:02:38,354 --> 00:02:41,239 you hold your farts, everything's nice... 69 00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:44,492 but, eventually, you have to fart. 70 00:02:45,461 --> 00:02:46,461 Here's what you do. 71 00:02:46,463 --> 00:02:47,879 Uh, you go out on the deck, 72 00:02:47,881 --> 00:02:49,297 and pretend to look at the ocean, 73 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,748 wait for a big wave 74 00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:53,301 and when it breaks, so do you. 75 00:02:56,972 --> 00:02:58,506 Alan, I'm putting in a home gym. 76 00:02:58,508 --> 00:03:00,207 And it's either going in Jenny's room 77 00:03:00,209 --> 00:03:01,226 or Alan's room. 78 00:03:01,228 --> 00:03:02,210 It's your call. 79 00:03:02,212 --> 00:03:03,361 Bitch be gone. 80 00:03:04,396 --> 00:03:07,115 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 81 00:03:07,117 --> 00:03:07,839 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 82 00:03:07,864 --> 00:03:11,864 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x02 ♪ I Think I Banged Lucille Ball Original Air Date on October 3, 2013 83 00:03:11,865 --> 00:03:16,665 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 84 00:03:16,683 --> 00:03:18,434 ♪ Men. ♪ 85 00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:20,352 Here we go. 86 00:03:20,354 --> 00:03:23,105 An appletini a day keeps the doctor away. 87 00:03:23,923 --> 00:03:24,907 Cute. 88 00:03:24,909 --> 00:03:26,625 And what keeps Alan away? 89 00:03:26,627 --> 00:03:28,260 You. 90 00:03:28,262 --> 00:03:29,778 Touché. 91 00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:30,996 Why am I here? 92 00:03:30,998 --> 00:03:33,165 Oh, I just thought we could get together. 93 00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:35,384 Maybe find out what's going on in each other's lives. 94 00:03:35,386 --> 00:03:38,353 There's never anything going on in your life, Alan. 95 00:03:38,355 --> 00:03:40,122 Okay, you start. 96 00:03:41,991 --> 00:03:42,991 All right, let's see... 97 00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:45,727 Well, my boyfriend Marty has just moved in. 98 00:03:45,729 --> 00:03:46,678 Moved in? 99 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,713 That's a little fast. 100 00:03:47,715 --> 00:03:49,164 He's 91 and a half. 101 00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:51,166 He doesn't do anything fast. 102 00:03:51,168 --> 00:03:52,684 So you two sleep in the same room? 103 00:03:52,686 --> 00:03:55,304 If you're trying to find out if we have sex, yes, we do. 104 00:03:55,306 --> 00:03:57,506 Frequently and nastily. 105 00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:58,440 Good God! 106 00:03:58,442 --> 00:03:59,858 The man is in a wheelchair. 107 00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,777 How do you think he got there? 108 00:04:02,712 --> 00:04:03,812 No, I was asking 109 00:04:03,814 --> 00:04:05,314 if your guest room is available. 110 00:04:05,316 --> 00:04:07,583 Darling, I-I would love 111 00:04:07,585 --> 00:04:09,017 for you to come stay with me, 112 00:04:09,019 --> 00:04:11,353 but with Marty there now, it's-it's impossible. 113 00:04:11,355 --> 00:04:12,371 Oh, not me. Jenny. 114 00:04:12,373 --> 00:04:14,039 Oh, Jennifer can move in. 115 00:04:14,041 --> 00:04:15,240 Wait. 116 00:04:15,242 --> 00:04:17,192 Why can she move in and not me? 117 00:04:17,194 --> 00:04:19,878 Darling, if you were a child, 118 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,346 this would be one of those situations 119 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,632 where I would give you five dollars to shut up. 120 00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,851 Well, I'm not a kid anymore, Mom. 121 00:04:25,853 --> 00:04:27,252 How's $20 sound? 122 00:04:27,254 --> 00:04:28,845 No, I want to have this conversation. 123 00:04:28,870 --> 00:04:29,506 Forty. 124 00:04:29,507 --> 00:04:30,472 We're done. Well... 125 00:04:30,474 --> 00:04:31,673 Mm-hmm. 126 00:04:32,175 --> 00:04:34,426 ♪ Men. ♪ 127 00:04:34,428 --> 00:04:37,062 All right, I'm out of here. 128 00:04:37,064 --> 00:04:39,231 Don't be a stranger, Jenny. 129 00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:41,517 I me, I know that you are one 130 00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:43,936 but that didn't stop me 131 00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:45,120 from letting you stay here. 132 00:04:45,122 --> 00:04:47,155 And that didn't stop me 133 00:04:47,157 --> 00:04:48,574 from throwing up in your... 134 00:04:48,576 --> 00:04:50,375 Ah, you know, you'll figure it out. 135 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,411 Um, h-have you got everything? 136 00:04:52,413 --> 00:04:53,862 Yeah, I think so. 137 00:04:53,864 --> 00:04:54,863 Oh, uh... 138 00:04:54,865 --> 00:04:55,948 There's a girl in my room, 139 00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:57,049 uh, Tara, 140 00:04:57,051 --> 00:04:58,483 Tanya... 141 00:04:58,485 --> 00:05:00,369 I don't really know what the hell her name is. 142 00:05:00,371 --> 00:05:01,703 It's tattooed right above her ass. 143 00:05:01,705 --> 00:05:03,922 Anyway, when she wakes up, 144 00:05:03,924 --> 00:05:05,374 will you give her this for cab fare? 145 00:05:05,376 --> 00:05:06,825 And uh, uh... 146 00:05:06,827 --> 00:05:09,545 tell her I, "Mackenzie," 147 00:05:09,547 --> 00:05:11,413 will call her 148 00:05:11,415 --> 00:05:14,099 if I get back from the Congo. 149 00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:16,251 See you. 150 00:05:16,253 --> 00:05:17,553 Bye. Take care. 151 00:05:19,023 --> 00:05:20,222 Can you believe that? 152 00:05:20,224 --> 00:05:21,256 I know. 153 00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:24,393 A Harper left this house voluntarily. 154 00:05:25,895 --> 00:05:28,063 And gave me money. 155 00:05:29,365 --> 00:05:31,483 ♪ Men. ♪ 156 00:05:34,888 --> 00:05:36,221 Hi, Alan. 157 00:05:36,223 --> 00:05:37,289 Lyndsey. 158 00:05:37,291 --> 00:05:38,390 This is a surprise. 159 00:05:38,392 --> 00:05:39,825 I know; I-I'm sorry. 160 00:05:39,827 --> 00:05:41,493 I just need to talk to you in person. 161 00:05:41,495 --> 00:05:42,744 Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on in. 162 00:05:42,746 --> 00:05:43,962 Are we alone? 163 00:05:43,964 --> 00:05:46,548 Never! 164 00:05:47,984 --> 00:05:49,918 Hi, Walden. 165 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,203 Can we talk in private? 166 00:05:51,205 --> 00:05:52,571 Oh, sure, let's go in my room. 167 00:05:52,573 --> 00:05:54,406 Oh, uh, hold on a second. 168 00:06:08,688 --> 00:06:10,505 Okay, we're all set. 169 00:06:10,507 --> 00:06:12,708 Aw, dude, come on! 170 00:06:14,644 --> 00:06:16,428 So what's up? 171 00:06:16,430 --> 00:06:18,196 Ow! Nipple! 172 00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,283 I am so mad at you. 173 00:06:21,285 --> 00:06:22,317 Why? 174 00:06:22,319 --> 00:06:23,619 Because I-I'm with Larry now. 175 00:06:23,621 --> 00:06:25,587 He's smart, handsome, successful... 176 00:06:25,589 --> 00:06:27,439 God, you have a type. 177 00:06:27,441 --> 00:06:29,007 No. 178 00:06:29,009 --> 00:06:31,129 When I'm with him, I can't stop fantasizing about you. 179 00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:35,213 Okay, I-I-I'm confused. 180 00:06:35,215 --> 00:06:38,166 I'm getting a chubby, but I'm confused. 181 00:06:38,168 --> 00:06:39,718 So you want to get back together? 182 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,520 Oh, God, no. 183 00:06:41,522 --> 00:06:43,138 I just want to have sex with you. 184 00:06:43,140 --> 00:06:44,839 Why? 185 00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:46,841 And why am I asking? 186 00:06:46,843 --> 00:06:47,976 I don't know. 187 00:06:47,978 --> 00:06:50,011 I just know that I do. 188 00:06:50,013 --> 00:06:51,063 Of course. 189 00:06:51,065 --> 00:06:53,482 Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter. 190 00:06:53,484 --> 00:06:57,402 Go on, pluck my forbidden fruit. 191 00:06:57,404 --> 00:07:00,372 Pop my cherry. 192 00:07:00,374 --> 00:07:02,857 Peel my banana. 193 00:07:02,859 --> 00:07:05,711 Squeeze my fuzzy peaches. 194 00:07:06,663 --> 00:07:08,914 In my fantasy... Yeah? 195 00:07:08,916 --> 00:07:10,082 ...you don't talk. 196 00:07:10,084 --> 00:07:12,384 ♪ Men. ♪ 197 00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:16,888 Bye, Walden. 198 00:07:16,890 --> 00:07:18,006 Bye, Lyndsey. 199 00:07:22,346 --> 00:07:25,597 Um, is it hot in here or did I just have sex? 200 00:07:25,599 --> 00:07:27,833 Did you guys get back together? 201 00:07:27,835 --> 00:07:29,067 Better. 202 00:07:29,069 --> 00:07:30,769 She wants nothing from me 203 00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,688 except the old Harper harpoon. 204 00:07:32,690 --> 00:07:35,023 Wha-bam! 205 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,011 Know what I'm sayin'? 206 00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:41,062 How is it possible 207 00:07:41,064 --> 00:07:43,365 that you're having sex and I'm not? 208 00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:46,451 Well, apparently, her perfect boyfriend Larry 209 00:07:46,453 --> 00:07:48,003 has an Achilles heel... 210 00:07:48,005 --> 00:07:49,738 and it's on his penis. 211 00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:52,274 Wha-bam! 212 00:07:55,678 --> 00:07:56,628 Um... 213 00:07:56,630 --> 00:07:58,513 have you guys seen Mackenzie? 214 00:07:58,515 --> 00:08:00,582 She went to Cabo. Congo. 215 00:08:01,384 --> 00:08:03,435 She's not here. She's dead. 216 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:05,871 In the Congo. 217 00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:08,857 Sorry, Tanya. 218 00:08:08,859 --> 00:08:09,924 Tara. 219 00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:13,528 Alyssa. 220 00:08:14,614 --> 00:08:15,947 ♪ Men. ♪ 221 00:08:15,949 --> 00:08:17,065 So... 222 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,334 Evy tells me you want to be an actress. 223 00:08:19,336 --> 00:08:21,436 I figured with my daddy issues, 224 00:08:21,438 --> 00:08:22,904 it was either that or stripping. 225 00:08:22,906 --> 00:08:25,273 You've certainly got the rack for either one. 226 00:08:25,275 --> 00:08:26,941 Bless your heart. 227 00:08:26,943 --> 00:08:29,211 My heart is in a landfill. 228 00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:31,463 This baby belonged to 229 00:08:31,465 --> 00:08:34,282 a drunken quarterback from Alabama. 230 00:08:34,284 --> 00:08:36,034 Roll Tide! 231 00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:38,053 You know, Marty is a television legend. 232 00:08:38,055 --> 00:08:39,788 He created Here Comes Pleshkin. 233 00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:42,240 I love that show. 234 00:08:42,242 --> 00:08:43,725 Th-That was a drinking game 235 00:08:43,727 --> 00:08:44,843 in college. 236 00:08:44,845 --> 00:08:46,595 Every time someone would yell "Pleshkin!" 237 00:08:46,597 --> 00:08:48,814 I would take a shot. 238 00:08:48,816 --> 00:08:51,983 I had so much drunken sex because of your show. 239 00:08:51,985 --> 00:08:53,635 It was a piece of crap, 240 00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:56,971 but it paid for my first six... seven wives. 241 00:08:58,307 --> 00:08:59,407 And Pleshkin? 242 00:08:59,409 --> 00:09:00,826 Hermaphrodite. 243 00:09:00,828 --> 00:09:03,612 Once, he comes in three hours late. 244 00:09:03,614 --> 00:09:05,864 I tell him to go screw himself. 245 00:09:05,866 --> 00:09:09,117 He says, "Why do you think I'm three hours late?" 246 00:09:10,069 --> 00:09:11,870 That's a joke, sweetheart. 247 00:09:11,872 --> 00:09:13,255 Feel free to laugh. 248 00:09:14,257 --> 00:09:15,990 Is this thing on? 249 00:09:15,992 --> 00:09:17,992 Roll Tide! 250 00:09:17,994 --> 00:09:20,011 Pleshkin! 251 00:09:22,765 --> 00:09:24,516 I need another one. Marty? 252 00:09:24,518 --> 00:09:25,517 Why not? 253 00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:27,168 I got my liver from a narcoleptic 254 00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:29,004 Vietnamese rickshaw driver. 255 00:09:31,006 --> 00:09:33,341 Evy, that's the best gift you have ever given me. 256 00:09:33,343 --> 00:09:34,342 What do you mean? 257 00:09:34,344 --> 00:09:35,727 You, me, Jenny, 258 00:09:35,729 --> 00:09:37,896 a handful of little blue pills... 259 00:09:37,898 --> 00:09:41,383 It's like the Spring Break of '43 all over again! 260 00:09:41,385 --> 00:09:44,252 Marty, she's my granddaughter. 261 00:09:44,254 --> 00:09:45,353 I know. 262 00:09:45,355 --> 00:09:48,857 I have had some of the most decadent 263 00:09:48,859 --> 00:09:51,660 sexual encounters imaginable: 264 00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,662 mother/daughter, twins, 265 00:09:53,664 --> 00:09:56,164 triplets, Pleshkin. 266 00:09:56,166 --> 00:10:01,703 But never the elusive grandmother/granddaughter combo. 267 00:10:01,705 --> 00:10:03,488 She's gay. 268 00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:05,040 It just keeps getting better. 269 00:10:05,042 --> 00:10:08,176 Sweetheart, while-while I normally love 270 00:10:08,178 --> 00:10:09,594 your unique brand of depravity, 271 00:10:09,596 --> 00:10:11,112 this is where I draw the line. 272 00:10:11,114 --> 00:10:14,115 So when it's me and the plumber, it's fine. 273 00:10:14,117 --> 00:10:16,151 You wanted that as much as I did. 274 00:10:16,153 --> 00:10:18,687 I had my eye on his kidney. 275 00:10:18,689 --> 00:10:20,605 ♪ Men. ♪ 276 00:10:20,607 --> 00:10:22,357 This is so exciting. 277 00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:23,608 Another man's bed, 278 00:10:23,610 --> 00:10:25,059 another man's woman, 279 00:10:25,061 --> 00:10:26,745 another man's... Home! 280 00:10:26,747 --> 00:10:28,530 I know, it's so dirty. 281 00:10:28,532 --> 00:10:30,782 No, no, no, the garage door just opened! 282 00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:31,950 And here comes the car. 283 00:10:31,952 --> 00:10:33,234 Beep! Beep! 284 00:10:33,236 --> 00:10:35,120 No, Larry's home! Get out! 285 00:10:35,122 --> 00:10:37,372 What do I do? What do I do? Uh... 286 00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:38,373 Hide in the closet? 287 00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:39,407 Uh... under the bed? 288 00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:40,792 Ooh, I could put on a wig and a dress 289 00:10:40,794 --> 00:10:42,194 and pretend I'm one of your friends. 290 00:10:42,962 --> 00:10:44,579 Out the window! 291 00:10:44,581 --> 00:10:45,597 Right, good call. 292 00:10:45,599 --> 00:10:47,515 Whoa, we are up there. 293 00:10:47,517 --> 00:10:49,134 Oh, beautiful view. Oh! 294 00:10:49,136 --> 00:10:51,052 Hey, is that the Hollywood sign...! 295 00:10:52,356 --> 00:10:54,606 ♪ Men. ♪ 296 00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:03,135 ♪ Men. ♪ 297 00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:04,870 What happened to you? 298 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,505 Oh, these? 299 00:11:06,507 --> 00:11:09,691 I was with Lyndsey last night, at her boyfriend's house, 300 00:11:09,693 --> 00:11:11,043 and he came home early, 301 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,445 and I had to jump out the window. 302 00:11:13,447 --> 00:11:15,947 Alan Harper: Love Burglar. 303 00:11:15,949 --> 00:11:20,385 I like it better than Alan Harper: Roommate. 304 00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:22,971 It's just so much fun to be thought of as a piece of meat. 305 00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:25,290 She doesn't care about what I think or what I say. 306 00:11:25,292 --> 00:11:27,075 I know how she feels. 307 00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,777 Let me ask you something. 308 00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:31,213 How would you like it if you were the poor schmuck 309 00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:32,514 being cheated on? 310 00:11:32,516 --> 00:11:34,282 I've always been the poor schmuck. 311 00:11:34,284 --> 00:11:35,434 And how did it feel? 312 00:11:35,436 --> 00:11:37,035 Horrible. 313 00:11:37,037 --> 00:11:39,638 Ha-ha, suck it, Larry! 314 00:11:41,574 --> 00:11:42,891 I know you're having fun, Alan, 315 00:11:42,893 --> 00:11:45,026 but sooner or later, somebody's gonna get hurt. 316 00:11:45,028 --> 00:11:47,128 Oh, believe me, someone got hurt last night. 317 00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,397 Boom, boom, boom! 318 00:11:49,399 --> 00:11:51,032 Know what I'm saying? 319 00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:53,652 Okay, from now on, let's just assume that I know 320 00:11:53,654 --> 00:11:56,271 what you're saying and I don't like it. 321 00:11:58,191 --> 00:12:00,642 ♪ Men. ♪ 322 00:12:00,644 --> 00:12:03,395 All right, you are hair-free. 323 00:12:03,397 --> 00:12:05,947 You missed a spot. 324 00:12:05,949 --> 00:12:08,149 You are a dirty old man. 325 00:12:08,151 --> 00:12:10,285 If I'm such a dirty old man, 326 00:12:10,287 --> 00:12:12,838 maybe it's time for my sponge bath. 327 00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,841 Paging Nurse Evelyn! 328 00:12:15,843 --> 00:12:18,827 Report to Marty's crotch with a loofah! 329 00:12:21,098 --> 00:12:22,163 You ready to go? 330 00:12:22,165 --> 00:12:23,665 I'll be right with you, dear. 331 00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,016 Where are you going? What about 332 00:12:25,018 --> 00:12:27,702 rubba-dub-dub, Marty's in the tub? 333 00:12:27,704 --> 00:12:28,670 I'll be right back. 334 00:12:28,672 --> 00:12:30,622 We're just going to the spa. 335 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,808 Yeah, Marty, you'll be happy. When I she comes back, 336 00:12:32,810 --> 00:12:34,392 she'll have less hair than your ears. 337 00:12:34,394 --> 00:12:35,610 But this is date night. 338 00:12:35,612 --> 00:12:37,112 I'll be back by 8:00. 339 00:12:37,114 --> 00:12:40,081 That's after Wheel. I'll be asleep. 340 00:12:40,083 --> 00:12:42,400 I'll make it up to you in the morning. 341 00:12:44,871 --> 00:12:46,538 I'm 91-and-a-half! 342 00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:49,357 I can't plan that far ahead! 343 00:12:49,359 --> 00:12:50,909 ♪ Men. ♪ 344 00:12:50,911 --> 00:12:52,294 That was amazing. 345 00:12:52,296 --> 00:12:53,829 It was. 346 00:12:53,831 --> 00:12:55,147 You seen my underwear? 347 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:56,364 Do you mean... 348 00:12:56,366 --> 00:12:58,550 these? 349 00:13:00,303 --> 00:13:02,370 You know what? Keep 'em. 350 00:13:02,372 --> 00:13:04,472 Ooh, thank you. 351 00:13:04,474 --> 00:13:05,640 Where you going? 352 00:13:05,642 --> 00:13:07,893 What do you mean? Home. We're done. 353 00:13:07,895 --> 00:13:10,145 So it's just wham, bam, thank you... 354 00:13:10,147 --> 00:13:12,547 incredibly powerful, yet sensitive lover man? 355 00:13:12,549 --> 00:13:15,567 Aw, don't get my panties in a bunch. 356 00:13:15,569 --> 00:13:17,719 I'm serious. We never talk. 357 00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:19,404 Because we're not dating. 358 00:13:19,406 --> 00:13:21,139 I thought you were okay with this. 359 00:13:21,141 --> 00:13:23,358 I am. That doesn't mean we can't take an interest 360 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,826 in each others' lives. 361 00:13:24,828 --> 00:13:27,629 For example, did you know Charlie had a daughter? 362 00:13:27,631 --> 00:13:28,864 Really? Yeah! 363 00:13:28,866 --> 00:13:30,064 That's great! 364 00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:31,533 You can talk to her. 365 00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:35,570 Fine. Whatever. 366 00:13:35,572 --> 00:13:36,955 Oh, for the love of God! 367 00:13:36,957 --> 00:13:38,306 What do you want from me? 368 00:13:38,308 --> 00:13:40,074 Well, if you must know, 369 00:13:40,076 --> 00:13:41,743 she's coming over for dinner tomorrow night, 370 00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:44,112 and I just thought that maybe you'd like to join us. 371 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,780 Dinner? Seriously? 372 00:13:45,782 --> 00:13:47,215 Forget I mentioned it. 373 00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:49,718 Okay, look, I'll see what I can do. 374 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:50,268 Really? 375 00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:51,436 I'll try. 376 00:13:51,438 --> 00:13:52,804 Oh, thank you. 377 00:13:52,806 --> 00:13:54,773 You've made me so happy. 378 00:13:54,775 --> 00:13:56,391 Great. See ya. 379 00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:01,646 I should've just bought a damn vibrator. 380 00:14:01,648 --> 00:14:04,449 ♪ Men. ♪ 381 00:14:04,451 --> 00:14:06,484 Here ya go, Marty. 382 00:14:06,486 --> 00:14:07,869 Just the way you like it-- 383 00:14:07,871 --> 00:14:10,038 scotch and Metamucil. 384 00:14:11,874 --> 00:14:14,042 Why aren't we eating? 385 00:14:14,044 --> 00:14:15,610 It's almost 6:00. 386 00:14:15,612 --> 00:14:17,245 Where are we, France? 387 00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,664 We're waiting for Alan's girlfriend. 388 00:14:20,549 --> 00:14:23,218 I thought he was Alan's girlfriend? 389 00:14:27,807 --> 00:14:29,391 No. I own the house. 390 00:14:29,393 --> 00:14:32,310 It's actually a funny story. I was on the beach and I went... 391 00:14:32,312 --> 00:14:34,179 Don't care. 392 00:14:35,865 --> 00:14:37,782 Marty, don't be rude. 393 00:14:37,784 --> 00:14:39,935 I'm sorry. Low blood sugar. 394 00:14:39,937 --> 00:14:42,020 Plus, I really don't care. 395 00:14:43,773 --> 00:14:44,889 Unbelievable. 396 00:14:44,891 --> 00:14:47,125 Lyndsey's not answering any of my calls 397 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:48,760 and she hasn't returned any of my texts. 398 00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,178 I told you you were gonna get hurt. 399 00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,530 I told you you were gonna get hurt. 400 00:14:52,532 --> 00:14:54,082 You know what? 401 00:14:54,084 --> 00:14:55,517 I'm gonna go get her. 402 00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,118 And don't try to stop me. 403 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,637 Okay. Okay. Okay. 404 00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:00,171 No problem. 405 00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:04,509 Now that buzzkill is gone... 406 00:15:04,511 --> 00:15:07,161 anyone want to get high? 407 00:15:07,163 --> 00:15:09,547 Roll joint! 408 00:15:09,549 --> 00:15:11,433 ♪ Men. ♪ 409 00:15:13,669 --> 00:15:14,953 You think Alan's gonna mind 410 00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,154 that we started without him? 411 00:15:16,156 --> 00:15:17,138 Who's Alan? 412 00:15:18,141 --> 00:15:20,341 You know... 413 00:15:20,343 --> 00:15:24,312 I think I banged Lucille Ball in this house. 414 00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:27,816 She was my second-favorite redhead. 415 00:15:27,818 --> 00:15:30,468 Thank you. 416 00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:32,287 Wait a second. 417 00:15:32,289 --> 00:15:33,705 It's night. 418 00:15:33,707 --> 00:15:36,241 Why am I still here? 419 00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:38,910 I'll see you tomorrow. 420 00:15:38,912 --> 00:15:40,528 Are you okay to drive? 421 00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:41,680 I'm fine. 422 00:15:41,682 --> 00:15:43,548 Well, let me know when you get home. 423 00:15:44,383 --> 00:15:46,685 I'm home. 424 00:15:48,055 --> 00:15:50,055 Your father would've loved this night. 425 00:15:50,057 --> 00:15:52,524 We're all drunk, we're all high, and Alan's not here. 426 00:15:52,526 --> 00:15:54,509 Wait-- who's Alan? 427 00:15:54,511 --> 00:15:56,728 You know what we should do tomorrow? 428 00:15:56,730 --> 00:15:58,430 Go to the Malibu Police Station. 429 00:15:58,432 --> 00:16:01,016 They took more pictures of your dad than I did. 430 00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,168 Again? 431 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,071 I want to stay home and play naked Jeopardy. 432 00:16:06,073 --> 00:16:08,273 I want to spend time with my daughter. 433 00:16:08,275 --> 00:16:09,274 Granddaughter. 434 00:16:09,276 --> 00:16:11,726 Oh, please, nobody's buying that. 435 00:16:12,862 --> 00:16:16,397 I am going into the living room, Evelyn. 436 00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:17,999 I suggest you push me there. 437 00:16:18,001 --> 00:16:20,151 We need to talk. 438 00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:21,503 Be back in a minute. 439 00:16:21,505 --> 00:16:22,771 There's a 50-50 chance 440 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,706 he won't remember what he wants. 441 00:16:24,708 --> 00:16:26,374 If you're gonna talk about me, 442 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:29,243 you shouldn't shave my ears first. 443 00:16:31,297 --> 00:16:32,731 He's great. 444 00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:35,850 Wonder what it's like to be 91. 445 00:16:35,852 --> 00:16:38,837 I imagine that you're wet in the places you used to be dry 446 00:16:38,839 --> 00:16:41,406 and dry in the places you used to be wet. 447 00:16:42,691 --> 00:16:44,659 What's wrong? 448 00:16:44,661 --> 00:16:48,029 Your granddaughter is coming between us... 449 00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:50,331 and not in the good way. 450 00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:53,935 Look, Marty, she just came into my life. 451 00:16:53,937 --> 00:16:55,436 And believe it or not, 452 00:16:55,438 --> 00:16:59,724 I wasn't always the best mom to Charlie or-or the other one. 453 00:16:59,726 --> 00:17:01,993 Jennifer is my second chance. 454 00:17:01,995 --> 00:17:03,795 You got to make a choice. 455 00:17:03,797 --> 00:17:06,164 It's me or the kid. 456 00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:09,968 I love you, Marty, but I have to pick my granddaughter. 457 00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:14,288 You know, I have $400 million. 458 00:17:14,290 --> 00:17:17,358 I'm not saying it isn't close. 459 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,511 It's over. 460 00:17:20,295 --> 00:17:25,150 Okay, I'm bluffing. 461 00:17:25,152 --> 00:17:26,651 I really miss you. 462 00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:30,205 I miss you too, money... honey. 463 00:17:30,207 --> 00:17:33,558 Maybe I can make it up to you. 464 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:38,430 If you can make it down to me, you can make it up to me. 465 00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:45,236 Something tells me that Marty doesn't want me around. 466 00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:48,640 What?! I can't imagine anyone not wanting you around. 467 00:17:48,642 --> 00:17:50,658 Really? Because I'm pretty sure 468 00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:52,710 I'm staying at my grandmother's 469 00:17:52,712 --> 00:17:54,479 because you don't want me around. 470 00:17:54,481 --> 00:17:57,331 No...! 471 00:17:57,333 --> 00:17:58,550 Maybe... 472 00:17:58,552 --> 00:18:00,685 Yes... 473 00:18:02,838 --> 00:18:04,172 I get it. 474 00:18:04,174 --> 00:18:05,824 You already have Alan. 475 00:18:05,826 --> 00:18:07,392 I do. 476 00:18:07,394 --> 00:18:10,411 Hey, do you think I'd look good in a jumpsuit? 477 00:18:10,413 --> 00:18:12,464 You'd look good in anything. 478 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:13,681 That's 'cause I'm good-looking. 479 00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,183 I pretend like I don't know. 480 00:18:15,185 --> 00:18:16,568 Shh. 481 00:18:16,570 --> 00:18:21,139 Seriously, if you want privacy, then why do you have a roommate? 482 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,691 Oh, you know, Alan's way more than a roommate. 483 00:18:23,693 --> 00:18:26,027 He's my best friend. 484 00:18:26,029 --> 00:18:30,748 He was there for me when I was all alone. 485 00:18:31,617 --> 00:18:33,935 He even took me into my own house. 486 00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:37,672 You know, him and-and his stoner son 487 00:18:37,674 --> 00:18:41,643 and his horny mom and your dead dad. 488 00:18:41,645 --> 00:18:43,661 I mean, they've really become my family. 489 00:18:43,663 --> 00:18:45,780 Mine, too. 490 00:18:45,782 --> 00:18:50,185 I guess that means you're becoming part of my family. 491 00:18:50,187 --> 00:18:53,605 Aw...! 492 00:18:53,607 --> 00:18:57,242 I'm the most masculine person in this house. 493 00:18:59,196 --> 00:19:00,562 I like you, Jenny. 494 00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,947 I like you, Walden. 495 00:19:02,949 --> 00:19:06,417 If you were a chick, I would totally do you. 496 00:19:06,419 --> 00:19:09,537 Aw! You, too! 497 00:19:10,573 --> 00:19:14,125 Hey, you're welcome to crash here any time 498 00:19:14,127 --> 00:19:17,629 you need a break from Evelyn and... 499 00:19:17,631 --> 00:19:20,915 91-and-a-half shades of gray. 500 00:19:20,917 --> 00:19:22,400 Seriously? 501 00:19:22,402 --> 00:19:23,685 Yeah. 502 00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:26,387 You know, I was thinking about putting in a home gym, 503 00:19:26,389 --> 00:19:28,306 but big deal. 504 00:19:28,308 --> 00:19:30,508 I'd rather have a Jenny than a gym. 505 00:19:30,510 --> 00:19:32,894 You and me both. 506 00:19:34,414 --> 00:19:35,663 I get it. 507 00:19:35,665 --> 00:19:39,150 'Cause Jim and gym are homonyms 508 00:19:39,152 --> 00:19:41,486 and you're a "hamma-sexual"" 509 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,325 It's awfully quiet in there. Did they leave? 510 00:19:47,327 --> 00:19:50,078 I don't know. Let me go look. 511 00:19:53,499 --> 00:19:55,667 I shouldn't have looked. 512 00:19:57,136 --> 00:19:59,571 ♪ Men. ♪ 513 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:03,007 No matter what she says, do not cry. 514 00:20:03,009 --> 00:20:04,592 You're the prize here. 515 00:20:05,761 --> 00:20:07,929 Alan, what are you doing here? 516 00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:09,097 What are you doing here? You're supposed 517 00:20:09,099 --> 00:20:10,298 to be at my house for dinner. 518 00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,616 I said I would try. 519 00:20:11,618 --> 00:20:13,318 And I said I wouldn't cry. 520 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,903 And I guess we're both liars now. 521 00:20:15,905 --> 00:20:18,590 Would you keep it down? Larry's here. 522 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:21,192 What? You don't want him to hear your whore? 523 00:20:22,278 --> 00:20:26,647 'Cause that's all I am to you-- your whore! 524 00:20:26,649 --> 00:20:29,334 We agreed this was just about sex. 525 00:20:29,336 --> 00:20:30,685 Well, forgive me for falling in love. 526 00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:33,221 Alan, if you don't leave right now, 527 00:20:33,223 --> 00:20:35,823 you're never gonna see this again. 528 00:20:36,825 --> 00:20:38,009 Call at your convenience. 529 00:20:38,011 --> 00:20:40,128 ♪ Men. ♪ 530 00:20:47,649 --> 00:20:49,083 ♪ Men. ♪ 531 00:20:50,185 --> 00:20:52,070 I'll get that. It's probably Lyndsey looking 532 00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:54,322 for a little morning wood to start her fire. 533 00:20:54,324 --> 00:20:55,723 Know what I'm saying? 534 00:20:55,725 --> 00:20:57,442 I know what you're saying, 535 00:20:57,444 --> 00:21:00,678 I just don't know why you're saying it. 536 00:21:02,031 --> 00:21:03,364 Uh, hello? 537 00:21:03,366 --> 00:21:04,999 Mackenzie, you lying bitch! 538 00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:06,300 Uh-oh. Congo, my ass! 539 00:21:06,302 --> 00:21:08,736 Don't run! You don't want to run! 540 00:21:12,574 --> 00:21:14,525 Yeah, it feels like home again. 541 00:21:14,527 --> 00:21:19,527 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man