00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,743 --> 00:00:02,293 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:03,493 --> 00:00:04,776 Tell me, Henry, 3 00:00:04,778 --> 00:00:07,595 why do you want to be Mr. Schmidt's assistant? 4 00:00:07,597 --> 00:00:08,780 He's my hero. 5 00:00:08,782 --> 00:00:10,365 I know everything about him. 6 00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:14,218 "Possible stalker." 7 00:00:15,287 --> 00:00:17,455 And why do you think you're qualified? 8 00:00:17,457 --> 00:00:19,841 Like him, I graduated high school at 16. 9 00:00:19,843 --> 00:00:22,126 Then I completed the four-year computer science program 10 00:00:22,128 --> 00:00:23,577 at Harvard in just under two years, 11 00:00:23,579 --> 00:00:26,014 during which, I founded an Internet startup, 12 00:00:26,016 --> 00:00:28,783 and I'm currently two semesters shy of my law degree. 13 00:00:28,785 --> 00:00:32,720 So, "no law degree." 14 00:00:33,689 --> 00:00:34,889 Let me tell you a few things 15 00:00:34,891 --> 00:00:36,474 about Walden Schmidt you may not know. 16 00:00:36,476 --> 00:00:37,775 Uh, the man is a genius. 17 00:00:37,777 --> 00:00:39,560 I knew that. 18 00:00:39,562 --> 00:00:42,596 "Likes to interrupt." 19 00:00:43,649 --> 00:00:46,150 He thinks in a different way than the rest of us. 20 00:00:46,152 --> 00:00:48,269 His mind is always working. 21 00:00:48,271 --> 00:00:49,620 Every time he opens his mouth, 22 00:00:49,622 --> 00:00:51,322 it's because he has something important to say. 23 00:00:51,324 --> 00:00:53,041 WALDEN: Love the new toilet paper 24 00:00:53,043 --> 00:00:54,442 you bought, Alan. 25 00:00:54,444 --> 00:00:56,527 It's like sliding down a rainbow. 26 00:00:57,696 --> 00:01:00,147 Except the pot at the end doesn't have any gold in it. 27 00:01:00,149 --> 00:01:01,616 When you hear something this good, 28 00:01:01,618 --> 00:01:03,084 you should write it down. 29 00:01:03,635 --> 00:01:04,786 I'm sorry. 30 00:01:04,788 --> 00:01:05,870 Who's this? 31 00:01:05,872 --> 00:01:07,372 Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson. 32 00:01:07,374 --> 00:01:09,674 He's interviewing for the assistant job. 33 00:01:09,676 --> 00:01:11,809 Uh, assistant job? 34 00:01:11,811 --> 00:01:13,411 Hi, Mr. Schmidt. 35 00:01:13,413 --> 00:01:14,796 It's such an honor... (stuttering) 36 00:01:14,798 --> 00:01:16,948 Eye contact. 37 00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:18,332 It's okay, Henry. 38 00:01:19,551 --> 00:01:21,168 (mouthing) 39 00:01:21,734 --> 00:01:23,419 Alan, can I talk to you for a second. 40 00:01:23,444 --> 00:01:25,093 Uh, no problem, Mr. Schmidt. 41 00:01:27,528 --> 00:01:28,886 Tie? Really. 42 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,939 Not looking good, Hank. 43 00:01:33,418 --> 00:01:34,736 What's up? 44 00:01:34,737 --> 00:01:37,471 Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant 45 00:01:37,473 --> 00:01:39,740 when I just hired you to be my assistant? 46 00:01:39,742 --> 00:01:41,959 Oh, no, no, he's interviewing to be my assistant. 47 00:01:41,961 --> 00:01:43,260 Your assistant? 48 00:01:43,262 --> 00:01:44,578 Well, intern, actually. 49 00:01:44,580 --> 00:01:46,447 He's not gonna cost us a penny, and he's gonna do 50 00:01:46,449 --> 00:01:48,149 all the menial stuff I don't want to do. 51 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,617 Well, why don't I just hire him for free 52 00:01:50,619 --> 00:01:52,003 and cut out the middle man? 53 00:01:52,005 --> 00:01:54,388 And in case I'm going too fast, you're the middle man. 54 00:01:54,390 --> 00:01:55,956 But I'm the big picture guy. 55 00:01:55,958 --> 00:01:58,092 See, bringing Henry on to Team Schmidt... 56 00:01:58,094 --> 00:02:00,344 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt? 57 00:02:00,346 --> 00:02:01,846 Yeah, I'm gonna get hats and shirts made. 58 00:02:01,848 --> 00:02:03,314 Well, Henry is. 59 00:02:03,316 --> 00:02:04,765 We're gonna have a new slogan. 60 00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:06,834 "No bull-Schmidt." 61 00:02:07,703 --> 00:02:10,471 "Schmidt happens." 62 00:02:10,473 --> 00:02:12,940 You're a Schmidt head. 63 00:02:15,327 --> 00:02:18,645 I hired you to be my assistant to help you out financially 64 00:02:18,647 --> 00:02:20,614 'cause you had close your chiropractic office. 65 00:02:20,616 --> 00:02:22,783 I didn't have to close it; I'm in a rent dispute. 66 00:02:22,785 --> 00:02:25,653 People in rent disputes don't fake their own death. 67 00:02:25,655 --> 00:02:27,438 (doorbell rings) Oh, I'll get that. 68 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,607 You are looking good today, boss. 69 00:02:29,609 --> 00:02:31,142 That's why he got good toilet paper. 70 00:02:31,144 --> 00:02:34,462 So my ass is clean while he's kissing it. 71 00:02:34,464 --> 00:02:37,098 Huh, my 12:00 must be early. 72 00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:39,683 Someone who really wanted this job 73 00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:40,885 would've taken the initiative. 74 00:02:40,887 --> 00:02:42,470 Too late, Harvard. 75 00:02:45,190 --> 00:02:46,757 Hello. 76 00:02:46,759 --> 00:02:48,926 Hi. You Alan Harper? 77 00:02:48,928 --> 00:02:51,195 Yes, I am. And, uh, and you are...? 78 00:02:51,197 --> 00:02:52,196 Your niece. 79 00:02:52,198 --> 00:02:53,564 Eurniece? 80 00:02:53,566 --> 00:02:55,182 That's a... that's a pretty name. 81 00:02:55,184 --> 00:02:56,283 Is that Dutch? 82 00:02:56,285 --> 00:02:57,651 No, I'm Jenny. 83 00:02:57,653 --> 00:02:59,186 I'm your brother Charlie's daughter. 84 00:02:59,188 --> 00:03:00,871 Uh, Henry? Yes? 85 00:03:00,873 --> 00:03:02,189 Catch me. 86 00:03:04,042 --> 00:03:06,127 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 87 00:03:06,929 --> 00:03:09,757 ♪ Ooh ♪ Men. ♪ 88 00:03:09,861 --> 00:03:12,861 sync, corrected by elderman Resync for WEB-DL by Junniper 89 00:03:13,349 --> 00:03:15,182 Uh, I'm-I'm sorry, 90 00:03:15,184 --> 00:03:18,435 did-did you say that you're... Charlie's daughter? 91 00:03:18,437 --> 00:03:20,104 Yeah. 92 00:03:20,106 --> 00:03:21,538 Listen, I got a wicked hangover. 93 00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:25,993 You got any aspirin, ibuprofen, rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka? 94 00:03:25,995 --> 00:03:28,278 Uh, yeah, yeah, come on in. 95 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,781 Uh, Henry, uh, get her an aspirin and vodka. 96 00:03:30,783 --> 00:03:32,266 On it! 97 00:03:32,268 --> 00:03:34,468 Kitchen's that way. Damn it! 98 00:03:37,105 --> 00:03:38,505 I-I can't believe this. 99 00:03:38,507 --> 00:03:40,307 I mean, I can, but I-I can't. 100 00:03:40,309 --> 00:03:42,609 I mean, how did this happen? 101 00:03:42,611 --> 00:03:44,211 From what my mom told me... 102 00:03:44,213 --> 00:03:47,982 Ooh, can we... can we maybe turn down the lights? 103 00:03:47,984 --> 00:03:50,000 That's the sun. 104 00:03:50,002 --> 00:03:51,668 Right, I hate the sun. 105 00:03:51,670 --> 00:03:54,355 It's like God calling you an alcoholic. 106 00:03:55,557 --> 00:03:59,176 Anyway, according to my mom, it was love at first sight. 107 00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:00,510 They met in a bar, 108 00:04:00,512 --> 00:04:02,680 they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom. 109 00:04:02,682 --> 00:04:06,283 (chuckles) It was like a freakin' Disney movie. 110 00:04:07,502 --> 00:04:10,287 Poke-a-hot-ass. 111 00:04:12,023 --> 00:04:14,541 And where did the kid go for the vodka? Poland? 112 00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:16,443 Look, I don't mean to be rude, 113 00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:18,746 but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter? 114 00:04:18,748 --> 00:04:20,831 I mean, this could be some kind of scam. 115 00:04:20,833 --> 00:04:23,050 I have a picture of us together. 116 00:04:23,052 --> 00:04:24,651 It's in here somewhere. 117 00:04:24,653 --> 00:04:26,637 Oh, look. (laughs) 118 00:04:26,639 --> 00:04:27,921 My vagina. 119 00:04:27,923 --> 00:04:30,190 (chuckles) 120 00:04:30,192 --> 00:04:31,875 Oh, wait, that's not mine. 121 00:04:33,528 --> 00:04:35,045 Oh, that's mine. 122 00:04:35,047 --> 00:04:37,097 (chuckles) 123 00:04:37,099 --> 00:04:38,348 Ah, there you go. 124 00:04:38,350 --> 00:04:40,701 This was taken at my fourth birthday party. 125 00:04:40,703 --> 00:04:43,854 Just a heads up, I might vomit; where's the nearest bathroom? 126 00:04:43,856 --> 00:04:45,072 Oh, right down the hall. 127 00:04:45,074 --> 00:04:46,156 Okay, I think we're good, 128 00:04:46,158 --> 00:04:47,558 but it's always nice to have a plan. 129 00:04:47,559 --> 00:04:50,444 Anyway, this was party was the last time I saw him. 130 00:04:50,446 --> 00:04:52,246 After that, he just sent checks. 131 00:04:52,248 --> 00:04:53,897 He-he sent checks? 132 00:04:53,899 --> 00:04:56,083 Yeah, my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me, 133 00:04:56,085 --> 00:04:57,951 but he always made sure I was taken care of. 134 00:04:57,953 --> 00:05:00,403 He never said a word about any of this to me. 135 00:05:00,405 --> 00:05:02,423 I'm his brother, his-his blood. 136 00:05:02,425 --> 00:05:03,941 Were they big checks? 137 00:05:03,943 --> 00:05:05,876 Yeah, got one every month. 138 00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:07,244 Bastard. 139 00:05:07,246 --> 00:05:10,564 My mom just called me special. 140 00:05:10,566 --> 00:05:11,832 This Henry guy is awesome. 141 00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:14,768 Did you know I won a spelling bee in fifth grade? 142 00:05:16,354 --> 00:05:18,555 I didn't! 143 00:05:21,192 --> 00:05:23,760 Who's this, Henry's assistant? 144 00:05:23,762 --> 00:05:26,530 Walden, this is Jenny, 145 00:05:26,532 --> 00:05:28,598 my brother's daughter. 146 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,068 Really? 147 00:05:31,970 --> 00:05:33,987 Hi. Hi. 148 00:05:33,989 --> 00:05:37,007 I, uh, didn't know Charlie had a daughter. 149 00:05:37,009 --> 00:05:38,659 Neither did I. 150 00:05:38,661 --> 00:05:41,245 He sent her checks, big checks. 151 00:05:42,247 --> 00:05:43,964 Not that that matters now. 152 00:05:43,966 --> 00:05:45,549 (whispers): Every month! 153 00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,469 Hey, am I related 154 00:05:48,471 --> 00:05:50,821 to Abercrombie & Fitch over here? 155 00:05:50,823 --> 00:05:53,957 No, I own the house. 156 00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:56,226 Oh. I assumed it was Alan's. 157 00:05:56,228 --> 00:05:59,263 So does he. 158 00:05:59,265 --> 00:06:01,248 So, uh, tell us more about you. 159 00:06:01,250 --> 00:06:02,900 Not much to tell. 160 00:06:02,902 --> 00:06:04,101 I was born in New York, 161 00:06:04,103 --> 00:06:06,186 got kicked out of a few private schools, 162 00:06:06,188 --> 00:06:08,989 tried to become a doctor to make my mom happy, 163 00:06:08,991 --> 00:06:11,625 dropped out, became an actress to piss her off. 164 00:06:11,627 --> 00:06:13,026 An actress, oh. 165 00:06:13,028 --> 00:06:14,945 Your father loved actresses. 166 00:06:14,947 --> 00:06:16,914 Yeah, I was only going to med school 167 00:06:16,916 --> 00:06:18,966 so I could write myself prescriptions for oxy. 168 00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:21,785 Oh, your father loved oxy. 169 00:06:21,787 --> 00:06:23,637 HENRY: Sorry it took so long. 170 00:06:23,639 --> 00:06:26,607 Here's vodka and two aspirin. 171 00:06:26,609 --> 00:06:28,825 Thank God. Oh. 172 00:06:30,795 --> 00:06:32,996 I was wrong; I am gonna puke. 173 00:06:33,798 --> 00:06:36,884 Your father loved to puke. 174 00:06:36,886 --> 00:06:39,336 ♪ Men. ♪ 175 00:06:39,338 --> 00:06:40,854 So, when I was, like, five, 176 00:06:40,856 --> 00:06:43,557 my mom married this total loser named Rob. 177 00:06:43,559 --> 00:06:45,943 He moved in with us and never looked for a job, 178 00:06:45,945 --> 00:06:48,128 but he's been sponging off of her ever since. 179 00:06:48,130 --> 00:06:50,347 Who does that? 180 00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,835 So, uh, how long you been in L.A.? 181 00:06:54,837 --> 00:06:55,802 Couple weeks. 182 00:06:55,804 --> 00:06:56,954 And you got a place to stay? 183 00:06:56,956 --> 00:06:59,406 He asks, knowing full well she's a Harper. 184 00:07:00,155 --> 00:07:03,239 Yeah, I'm crashing at a friend's house. 185 00:07:03,241 --> 00:07:04,641 That's great. Friends are great. 186 00:07:04,643 --> 00:07:06,910 You should make some friends, Alan. 187 00:07:07,778 --> 00:07:09,579 So, just the two of you live here? 188 00:07:09,581 --> 00:07:11,748 Uh, well, my son, your cousin Jake, 189 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:14,450 uh, used to live with us, but he's in the army now. 190 00:07:14,452 --> 00:07:15,568 Stationed in Japan. 191 00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:17,604 Oh, that's impressive. 192 00:07:17,606 --> 00:07:18,805 Because of the time difference, 193 00:07:18,807 --> 00:07:21,074 he thinks he lives in the future. 194 00:07:21,076 --> 00:07:22,759 Maybe we can call him and find out 195 00:07:22,761 --> 00:07:24,544 when this headache's gonna go away. 196 00:07:24,546 --> 00:07:26,563 Oh, and, uh, you have a grandmother. 197 00:07:26,565 --> 00:07:28,131 Oh, that's great! 198 00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:30,299 In theory. 199 00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:31,968 When she finds out she has a granddaughter, 200 00:07:31,970 --> 00:07:33,086 she's gonna have a heart attack. 201 00:07:33,088 --> 00:07:35,438 You know, I'm gonna call her right now. 202 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,474 ♪ Men. ♪ 203 00:07:38,476 --> 00:07:39,776 This is it. 204 00:07:39,778 --> 00:07:41,477 This was your dad's room. 205 00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:43,279 Wow. 206 00:07:43,281 --> 00:07:46,916 I always tried to imagine what my dad's life was like. 207 00:07:46,918 --> 00:07:49,686 It's weird to finally see it. 208 00:07:49,688 --> 00:07:52,455 I never met him, but I heard he was quite a guy. 209 00:07:52,457 --> 00:07:55,275 I heard he was a drunken man whore. 210 00:07:55,277 --> 00:07:58,228 Like I said, quite a guy. 211 00:07:58,230 --> 00:07:59,546 So, uh, 212 00:07:59,548 --> 00:08:01,281 this your and Alan's room? 213 00:08:01,283 --> 00:08:02,349 What? 214 00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:03,883 (chuckles): No. 215 00:08:03,885 --> 00:08:05,518 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 216 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,020 We're not... I'm not... 217 00:08:07,022 --> 00:08:08,938 The, um... really? 218 00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:11,458 You really don't think I can do better than Alan? 219 00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:12,809 I don't know. 220 00:08:12,811 --> 00:08:15,679 Maybe he's got a huge schlong. 221 00:08:15,681 --> 00:08:18,181 Well, we're not a couple, and he doesn't. 222 00:08:19,650 --> 00:08:21,618 Which is fine. I mean, not that size matters. 223 00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:22,685 Not that I was looking. 224 00:08:22,687 --> 00:08:23,870 I'm not gay. 225 00:08:23,872 --> 00:08:27,190 So why is he still living here? 226 00:08:27,192 --> 00:08:28,875 Well, at first... 227 00:08:28,877 --> 00:08:30,360 Then... 228 00:08:30,362 --> 00:08:31,961 I don't know. 229 00:08:32,897 --> 00:08:35,115 So, um, 230 00:08:35,117 --> 00:08:37,050 this is where your dad used to sleep. 231 00:08:37,052 --> 00:08:38,668 I got a new mattress, 232 00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:41,287 and I replaced the carpets and the drapes 233 00:08:41,289 --> 00:08:45,392 and pretty much anything that could absorb fluid. 234 00:08:45,394 --> 00:08:46,676 Wow. 235 00:08:46,678 --> 00:08:47,877 If these walls could talk. 236 00:08:47,879 --> 00:08:50,964 They'd probably say, "Can I get a towel?" 237 00:08:50,966 --> 00:08:52,315 So, I mean, 238 00:08:52,317 --> 00:08:55,151 I wish there was more that Charlie left behind. 239 00:08:55,153 --> 00:08:57,303 You know, other than Alan. 240 00:08:57,305 --> 00:08:59,572 So... (sighs) 241 00:08:59,574 --> 00:09:03,559 my dad stood in this same spot, staring out at the ocean. 242 00:09:03,561 --> 00:09:05,728 I wonder what was going through his mind. 243 00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:07,697 I wonder what he was thinking. 244 00:09:07,699 --> 00:09:09,282 Besides, of course, 245 00:09:09,284 --> 00:09:13,253 "how can I nail those two hot surfer chicks out there?" 246 00:09:13,255 --> 00:09:15,872 Huh, now I'm thinking it. 247 00:09:15,874 --> 00:09:17,791 Oh, please. 248 00:09:17,793 --> 00:09:21,161 With your looks and this house, I'm sure you do fine. 249 00:09:21,163 --> 00:09:23,146 Well, you'd think that, but the truth is, 250 00:09:23,148 --> 00:09:25,348 when it comes to women, I've never really been much 251 00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:26,749 of a casual sex kind of guy. 252 00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,601 And every time I do get close to one, 253 00:09:28,603 --> 00:09:30,036 she ends up pulling away from me, 254 00:09:30,038 --> 00:09:31,938 and then I wind up back in this room, 255 00:09:31,940 --> 00:09:35,258 thinking where I went wrong again. 256 00:09:35,260 --> 00:09:36,960 Alone. 257 00:09:38,629 --> 00:09:40,830 So alone. 258 00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:45,101 (sighs) 259 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,104 Oh, yeah. 260 00:09:48,106 --> 00:09:50,306 (chuckles) You're not gay. 261 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,694 Mom, I have some news for you. 262 00:09:54,696 --> 00:09:56,930 Sit down. 263 00:09:56,932 --> 00:09:59,199 Okay, push him off and sit up. 264 00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:02,385 Um, I know this is gonna come as quite the shock, 265 00:10:02,387 --> 00:10:05,972 but it turns out Charlie has a daughter. 266 00:10:07,291 --> 00:10:10,009 Mom? Mom? 267 00:10:10,011 --> 00:10:12,412 Are you dead? 268 00:10:12,414 --> 00:10:13,897 Oh, good. 269 00:10:13,899 --> 00:10:15,982 Um, no, I know. 270 00:10:15,984 --> 00:10:17,517 I know, it's crazy, right? 271 00:10:17,519 --> 00:10:19,285 Yeah, no, she's here now. 272 00:10:19,287 --> 00:10:21,271 Well, well, come on over. 273 00:10:21,273 --> 00:10:23,773 Okay, finish first and then come over. 274 00:10:25,142 --> 00:10:27,527 Good news. Uh, my mother's on her way over. 275 00:10:27,529 --> 00:10:30,096 First time I've ever said that. 276 00:10:30,098 --> 00:10:32,315 Wow, insta-family. 277 00:10:32,317 --> 00:10:34,317 Uncle, grandmother, 278 00:10:34,319 --> 00:10:35,668 step-hot-guy. 279 00:10:35,670 --> 00:10:37,804 I'm sorry, I don't know what to call you. 280 00:10:37,806 --> 00:10:39,789 Oh, step-hot-guy works. 281 00:10:39,791 --> 00:10:42,158 All that's missing is my dad. 282 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,711 Actually, he's here, too. 283 00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:46,629 Um, follow me. 284 00:10:46,631 --> 00:10:48,097 Uh, where are we going? 285 00:10:48,099 --> 00:10:49,783 Uh, well, you know how sailors get buried at sea? 286 00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:50,328 Yeah. 287 00:10:50,353 --> 00:10:52,353 I keep Charlie in the liquor cabinet. 288 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,671 Let's see. 289 00:10:55,673 --> 00:11:00,226 Uh, Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniel's... 290 00:11:00,228 --> 00:11:01,895 Charlie Harper. 291 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:06,533 Huh, he looks different than his pictures. 292 00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:10,653 Um, Charlie, this is your daughter Jenny. 293 00:11:10,655 --> 00:11:12,872 Hi, Dad! 294 00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,326 This seems weird. Does this seem weird to anybody else? 295 00:11:16,328 --> 00:11:18,461 Yes, it's weird. 296 00:11:18,463 --> 00:11:22,882 Almost as weird as when we take him to the movies. 297 00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:27,470 Charlie, I wish you were here 298 00:11:27,472 --> 00:11:30,557 to see how beautiful your daughter turned out. 299 00:11:31,742 --> 00:11:33,226 I-I think you'd be impressed. 300 00:11:33,228 --> 00:11:34,727 I think a lot of... 301 00:11:34,729 --> 00:11:36,729 Oh! 302 00:11:36,731 --> 00:11:38,498 (coughs) 303 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,084 Oh, not again. 304 00:11:41,086 --> 00:11:43,219 I ain't cleaning that up. 305 00:11:48,264 --> 00:11:50,631 ♪ Men. ♪ 306 00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,045 Oh. Oh, look. 307 00:11:56,046 --> 00:11:57,879 A quarter. 308 00:12:00,416 --> 00:12:01,966 Unbelievable. 309 00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:04,285 You even mooch off the dead. 310 00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:06,587 One more. 311 00:12:06,589 --> 00:12:08,622 Yeah, you're Charlie's daughter. 312 00:12:08,624 --> 00:12:10,258 You don't seem very surprised. 313 00:12:10,260 --> 00:12:13,111 Only surprised there aren't more of you running around. 314 00:12:13,113 --> 00:12:17,065 God, I loved your dad. 315 00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,983 I remember the first time I met him. 316 00:12:18,985 --> 00:12:21,419 He asked me if I knew how to do three things: 317 00:12:21,421 --> 00:12:23,488 cook, clean and score an eight ball 318 00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:25,323 at 2:30 in the morning. 319 00:12:26,592 --> 00:12:29,660 I told him I didn't know how to cook or clean. 320 00:12:29,662 --> 00:12:31,312 I've been here ever since. 321 00:12:31,314 --> 00:12:32,813 (laughs) 322 00:12:32,815 --> 00:12:35,116 I'm-I'm sure you have a story about Charlie 323 00:12:35,118 --> 00:12:36,401 that doesn't involve drugs. 324 00:12:36,403 --> 00:12:39,704 Okay. One time at Mardi Gras... 325 00:12:39,706 --> 00:12:41,205 Or alcohol. 326 00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:42,623 All right. 327 00:12:42,625 --> 00:12:44,642 Once when Charlie was in Vegas... 328 00:12:44,644 --> 00:12:46,594 Or hookers. 329 00:12:46,596 --> 00:12:49,680 Geez, you're really tying my hands! 330 00:12:50,783 --> 00:12:51,783 Okay, I got it. 331 00:12:51,785 --> 00:12:53,734 It was New Year's Eve, 332 00:12:53,736 --> 00:12:56,404 and Charlie was super not drunk, 333 00:12:56,406 --> 00:12:59,424 and he was with this crazy not hooker, 334 00:12:59,426 --> 00:13:02,743 and he decided to have his sphincter bleached. 335 00:13:02,745 --> 00:13:04,695 Whoa! Whoa! What? 336 00:13:04,697 --> 00:13:05,663 Why? 337 00:13:05,665 --> 00:13:08,199 Because he cared about women. 338 00:13:09,384 --> 00:13:13,371 Unfortunately, it got infected, and he needed me 339 00:13:13,373 --> 00:13:16,457 (voice breaks): to dab a little ointment... 340 00:13:16,459 --> 00:13:18,326 I'm sorry. 341 00:13:18,328 --> 00:13:20,812 It's just that I miss him so much! 342 00:13:20,814 --> 00:13:23,548 God took the wrong Harper! 343 00:13:24,583 --> 00:13:26,551 (door closes) 344 00:13:26,553 --> 00:13:29,053 EVELYN: Where is my granddaughter? 345 00:13:29,055 --> 00:13:31,139 Did it just get cold in here? 346 00:13:32,324 --> 00:13:35,092 Oh, my God. 347 00:13:35,094 --> 00:13:36,710 Look at you. 348 00:13:36,712 --> 00:13:38,262 Mom, this is Jenny. 349 00:13:38,264 --> 00:13:39,313 Jenny, 350 00:13:39,315 --> 00:13:40,932 this is Evelyn. 351 00:13:40,934 --> 00:13:42,733 You are so beautiful. 352 00:13:42,735 --> 00:13:45,069 You remind me of me ten years ago. 353 00:13:46,655 --> 00:13:48,990 Your father was the apple of my eye. 354 00:13:48,992 --> 00:13:50,491 My greatest gift. 355 00:13:50,493 --> 00:13:52,160 My reason for living. 356 00:13:53,011 --> 00:13:54,061 Uh, hello. 357 00:13:54,947 --> 00:13:56,747 Hello, Alan. 358 00:13:57,732 --> 00:14:02,036 I can't believe I finally have a grandchild. 359 00:14:02,038 --> 00:14:03,921 You already have a grandchild-- Jake. 360 00:14:03,923 --> 00:14:07,175 Oh. Sure. Yeah. 361 00:14:08,243 --> 00:14:10,261 So, Jennifer... 362 00:14:10,263 --> 00:14:11,529 Actually, it's Jenny. 363 00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:14,515 Darling, you're not 12 anymore. It's Jennifer. 364 00:14:14,517 --> 00:14:17,018 We are going to have so much fun together: 365 00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:21,506 lunching, shopping, taking care of those eyebrows. 366 00:14:21,508 --> 00:14:23,107 Where are you staying while you're in town? 367 00:14:23,109 --> 00:14:24,876 I'm crashing on a friend's couch. 368 00:14:24,878 --> 00:14:27,245 Not anymore. You'll stay with me. 369 00:14:27,247 --> 00:14:29,647 Aw! I love you, Evelyn. 370 00:14:29,649 --> 00:14:30,948 Whoa, whoa! If she's staying anywhere, 371 00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,133 she's gonna stay at my place. 372 00:14:32,135 --> 00:14:34,151 And by "your place," do you mean 373 00:14:34,153 --> 00:14:36,821 the office that you stopped paying rent at 374 00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:39,373 or the house that you've never paid rent at? 375 00:14:39,375 --> 00:14:41,459 Look, I'm not gonna let my mom screw her up 376 00:14:41,461 --> 00:14:42,710 like she did me and Charlie. 377 00:14:42,712 --> 00:14:45,379 Hey! I was a good mother. 378 00:14:45,381 --> 00:14:47,081 No, you know who was a good mother? 379 00:14:47,083 --> 00:14:49,166 Our housekeeper Adela. She even breast-fed me. 380 00:14:49,168 --> 00:14:51,802 She had just had a baby. 381 00:14:51,804 --> 00:14:54,005 And when the milk truck is parked on the street, 382 00:14:54,007 --> 00:14:55,973 you don't go to the grocery store. 383 00:14:56,992 --> 00:15:00,928 Besides, you-you used to gnaw on me. 384 00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:03,431 You're gnawer. 385 00:15:03,433 --> 00:15:05,132 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 386 00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:08,185 You know what? She's gonna stay in Jake's room. 387 00:15:08,187 --> 00:15:09,937 Whoa, whoa, no. 388 00:15:09,939 --> 00:15:12,573 I do not want Jake's room to become Jenny's room. 389 00:15:12,575 --> 00:15:14,859 You know, in fact, there is no Jake's room 390 00:15:14,861 --> 00:15:15,993 and there's no Jenny's room. 391 00:15:15,995 --> 00:15:17,645 There's just Walden's room. 392 00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:20,464 And Charlie's room. 393 00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:22,350 Why don't we let her decide? 394 00:15:22,352 --> 00:15:23,501 Yeah, yeah, it's up to her. 395 00:15:23,503 --> 00:15:26,203 Is anyone listening to me?! 396 00:15:26,205 --> 00:15:28,105 Jennifer? 397 00:15:28,107 --> 00:15:29,457 Where'd she go? 398 00:15:31,627 --> 00:15:32,927 Nice job, Alan. 399 00:15:32,929 --> 00:15:35,796 You made another woman disappear. 400 00:15:35,798 --> 00:15:36,997 Can you believe her? 401 00:15:36,999 --> 00:15:39,250 What did I do to her to make her hate me so much? 402 00:15:39,252 --> 00:15:41,218 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 403 00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:44,105 Oh, oh. What, you, too? 404 00:15:44,107 --> 00:15:46,674 Oh! 405 00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:48,609 Son of a... 406 00:15:48,611 --> 00:15:50,444 Ooh, a nickel! 407 00:15:50,446 --> 00:15:52,146 ♪ Men. ♪ 408 00:15:52,148 --> 00:15:53,898 This is ridiculous. 409 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,149 We're never going to find her. 410 00:15:55,151 --> 00:15:57,184 I don't understand why she ran off like that. 411 00:15:57,186 --> 00:15:58,953 I can think of two reasons. 412 00:16:01,823 --> 00:16:05,526 First I lost my Charlie, now I've lost my Jennifer. 413 00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,211 You still have your Alan. 414 00:16:07,213 --> 00:16:09,714 Oh! Don't make it worse. 415 00:16:11,032 --> 00:16:12,717 Nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang. 416 00:16:14,319 --> 00:16:18,255 Oh, God, my granddaughter's gone forever. 417 00:16:18,257 --> 00:16:21,092 Oh, there she is at the bus stop. 418 00:16:21,094 --> 00:16:25,029 Oh, God, my granddaughter rides the bus! 419 00:16:29,735 --> 00:16:31,569 Jenny, what are you doing? 420 00:16:31,571 --> 00:16:34,138 I'm trying to get away from you people. 421 00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:35,990 Look, I just wanted to see where my dad lived. 422 00:16:35,992 --> 00:16:37,625 I didn't want to screw up your family. 423 00:16:37,627 --> 00:16:38,743 Uh, for the record, 424 00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:40,578 they were screwed up long before you got here. 425 00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:41,829 It's true. 426 00:16:41,831 --> 00:16:43,748 H-Hey, if I'm screwed up, it's your fault. 427 00:16:43,750 --> 00:16:44,699 You raised me. 428 00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:47,134 I didn't raise you, Adela did. 429 00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,204 Look, I already have a messed-up family. 430 00:16:50,206 --> 00:16:51,622 I-I don't need another one. 431 00:16:51,624 --> 00:16:52,623 Oh, we're sorry. 432 00:16:52,625 --> 00:16:54,525 This is just how we express our love. 433 00:16:54,527 --> 00:16:56,627 Through hate. Oh, no, no, no. 434 00:16:56,629 --> 00:16:57,962 W-We don't hate each other. 435 00:16:57,964 --> 00:17:02,533 I mean, the truth is, my mother is an amazing woman. 436 00:17:02,535 --> 00:17:04,568 I mean, she-she raised two kids on her own, 437 00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:06,520 she's a successful businesswoman, 438 00:17:06,522 --> 00:17:09,774 she has impeccable taste. 439 00:17:09,776 --> 00:17:11,091 Thank you, Alan. 440 00:17:12,394 --> 00:17:13,444 Oh, right. 441 00:17:13,446 --> 00:17:16,397 Uh, and Alan is... 442 00:17:16,399 --> 00:17:19,650 the reason I had my tubes tied. 443 00:17:20,752 --> 00:17:24,155 Because she knew she would never do better than me. 444 00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:29,160 Please, sweetheart, I just found you. 445 00:17:29,162 --> 00:17:30,211 I can't lose you now. 446 00:17:30,213 --> 00:17:32,246 We want you to be a part of our lives. 447 00:17:32,248 --> 00:17:33,330 What do you say? 448 00:17:33,332 --> 00:17:36,450 Well, if I'm gonna be a part of this family, 449 00:17:36,452 --> 00:17:38,302 I'm gonna need a drink. 450 00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:39,754 You hear that, Charlie? 451 00:17:39,756 --> 00:17:41,422 Your daughter needs a drink. 452 00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:44,141 You're looking the wrong way, Mom. 453 00:17:44,143 --> 00:17:46,077 ♪ Men. ♪ 454 00:17:47,262 --> 00:17:49,129 A toast. To Charlie Harper. 455 00:17:49,131 --> 00:17:53,084 My brother, your son, your father, and your... 456 00:17:53,086 --> 00:17:55,936 Guy who got hit by a train so I could buy his beach house? 457 00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:57,938 Sorry, Evelyn. 458 00:17:57,940 --> 00:17:59,707 It's okay. I got the commission. 459 00:17:59,709 --> 00:18:02,693 To Charlie. 460 00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:05,830 So, is that the bathroom 461 00:18:05,832 --> 00:18:08,115 where the miracle of my life began? 462 00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:10,701 It is. 463 00:18:12,204 --> 00:18:13,170 Want to see it? 464 00:18:13,172 --> 00:18:14,371 I do. 465 00:18:14,373 --> 00:18:16,173 Text a picture of it to my mom. 466 00:18:16,175 --> 00:18:18,125 Should be good for some guilt money. 467 00:18:18,127 --> 00:18:20,327 I'll run interference. 468 00:18:21,713 --> 00:18:22,847 All right, everybody out! 469 00:18:22,849 --> 00:18:25,332 Woman visiting the place of her conception! 470 00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,936 I can't tell you how relieved I am 471 00:18:28,938 --> 00:18:31,105 to finally have an heir. Mm. 472 00:18:31,107 --> 00:18:32,123 Wait, what? 473 00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:33,891 She's my granddaughter. 474 00:18:33,893 --> 00:18:35,843 I want to provide for her. 475 00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,278 And since I wasn't around 476 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,396 for the first 25 years of her life, 477 00:18:39,398 --> 00:18:41,649 it's only fitting that she inherit my estate. 478 00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:44,017 You weren't around for the first 45 years of my life. 479 00:18:44,019 --> 00:18:45,870 You have Walden! 480 00:18:45,872 --> 00:18:48,172 Oh, oh, do I? Do you see a ring on this finger? 481 00:18:48,174 --> 00:18:49,523 Don't worry, darling. 482 00:18:49,525 --> 00:18:51,909 There's a little something for you in my will. 483 00:18:51,911 --> 00:18:52,743 A little something? 484 00:18:52,745 --> 00:18:53,961 Look, if you knew 485 00:18:53,963 --> 00:18:55,579 you were gonna get everything, 486 00:18:55,581 --> 00:18:57,965 you would've smothered me with a pillow years ago. 487 00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:59,316 That is not true. 488 00:18:59,318 --> 00:19:03,053 If I knew I had money coming, I'd hire a professional. 489 00:19:04,473 --> 00:19:06,257 How'd it go? Great. 490 00:19:06,259 --> 00:19:07,892 I laughed, I cried. 491 00:19:07,894 --> 00:19:10,861 I peed. 492 00:19:10,863 --> 00:19:12,630 How are you guys doing over here? 493 00:19:12,632 --> 00:19:14,181 Can I get you anything else? 494 00:19:16,134 --> 00:19:18,235 Yeah, we might need a designated driver 495 00:19:18,237 --> 00:19:20,688 to get us back to his beautiful beach house. 496 00:19:21,723 --> 00:19:23,858 I'll take you guys. I get off in 15. 497 00:19:25,193 --> 00:19:26,744 Great. Thanks. 498 00:19:28,947 --> 00:19:30,397 She's cute. 499 00:19:30,399 --> 00:19:31,499 Told ya. 500 00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:34,702 Malibu beach house gets you laid every time. 501 00:19:35,387 --> 00:19:37,705 Not every time. 502 00:19:39,374 --> 00:19:41,876 ♪ Men. ♪ 503 00:19:41,878 --> 00:19:45,262 Oh, my God, this house is amazing! 504 00:19:45,264 --> 00:19:47,498 Well, it's... Yeah. 505 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,217 And look at that view. 506 00:19:50,219 --> 00:19:51,969 It's even better from the bedroom. 507 00:19:51,971 --> 00:19:53,053 Want to see? 508 00:19:53,055 --> 00:19:54,238 Yeah. 509 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,773 After you. 510 00:19:56,741 --> 00:19:58,242 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 511 00:19:58,244 --> 00:19:59,410 Where are you going? 512 00:19:59,412 --> 00:20:00,578 Up to show her. 513 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:02,530 Oh, you thought...? 514 00:20:02,532 --> 00:20:05,232 Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. 515 00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:07,100 Next time I'll get two. 516 00:20:11,656 --> 00:20:14,108 What just happened? 517 00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:15,943 Charlie's back. 518 00:20:15,945 --> 00:20:18,445 ♪ Men. ♪ 519 00:20:21,031 --> 00:20:23,149 ♪ Men. ♪ 520 00:20:23,151 --> 00:20:24,117 Good morning. 521 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:25,552 No, no, not good. 522 00:20:25,554 --> 00:20:27,487 I slept in the guest room of my own house, 523 00:20:27,489 --> 00:20:30,890 and I'm pretty sure I still have some of your brother in my ear. 524 00:20:30,892 --> 00:20:32,292 Don't worry, tonight I'll tell Jenny 525 00:20:32,294 --> 00:20:33,493 that your bedroom's off limits. 526 00:20:33,495 --> 00:20:34,761 No, there is no tonight! 527 00:20:34,763 --> 00:20:35,762 But she's family. 528 00:20:35,764 --> 00:20:36,963 Not my family. 529 00:20:36,965 --> 00:20:39,082 And I'm gonna tell her she can't stay. 530 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,918 Morning. Hi. 531 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,169 You girls have a good night? 532 00:20:43,171 --> 00:20:45,004 Oh, yeah. 533 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,370 I'm surprised I can even talk. 534 00:20:50,408 --> 00:20:52,959 You were saying? Shut up.