00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,856 --> 00:00:03,456 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:03,458 --> 00:00:05,057 Hey, Louis, check it out. 3 00:00:05,059 --> 00:00:08,294 This app will help you learn how to speak Mandarin Chinese. 4 00:00:08,296 --> 00:00:10,329 Are you sending me to China? 5 00:00:10,331 --> 00:00:12,498 No, I'd never do that. 6 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,667 He sent his kid to Japan. 7 00:00:14,669 --> 00:00:15,701 Oh, no, no. 8 00:00:15,703 --> 00:00:17,537 The-the Army sent him to Japan. 9 00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:19,572 You're sending me to the Army? 10 00:00:19,574 --> 00:00:20,973 No, no, n-no. 11 00:00:20,975 --> 00:00:22,208 We're not sending you anywhere. 12 00:00:22,210 --> 00:00:23,743 We-we just want to help you learn. 13 00:00:23,745 --> 00:00:25,011 So, check it out. 14 00:00:25,013 --> 00:00:27,213 You can type in any phrase, 15 00:00:27,215 --> 00:00:30,082 and the app will say it for you. 16 00:00:30,084 --> 00:00:33,719 (woman speaking Mandarin Chinese) 17 00:00:33,721 --> 00:00:34,887 Ooh, what'd she say? 18 00:00:34,889 --> 00:00:36,022 She sounds pretty. 19 00:00:36,024 --> 00:00:37,523 She said, "Alan, your fly is open." 20 00:00:37,525 --> 00:00:38,791 Oh. Oh! 21 00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:41,194 (chuckles) Uh, well, how do you tell her, "Thank you"? 22 00:00:41,196 --> 00:00:43,362 Uh, let's find out. 23 00:00:44,165 --> 00:00:46,132 Xiexie. 24 00:00:46,134 --> 00:00:49,602 That's gonna blow their minds down at the Panda Express. 25 00:00:49,604 --> 00:00:52,405 Extra orange chicken, xiexie. 26 00:00:52,407 --> 00:00:55,107 Walden, I-I'm Chinese Elvis. 27 00:00:55,109 --> 00:00:56,709 Xiexie. Xiexie, very much. 28 00:00:56,711 --> 00:00:57,711 (chuckles) 29 00:00:57,712 --> 00:00:58,911 All right. 30 00:00:58,913 --> 00:01:00,880 Let's put on these headphones, 31 00:01:00,882 --> 00:01:04,183 and we'll learn a little Chinese, huh? 32 00:01:04,185 --> 00:01:06,486 So, um, listen, g-going forward, 33 00:01:06,488 --> 00:01:09,355 um, how are we gonna do this whole co-parenting thing? 34 00:01:09,357 --> 00:01:10,456 What do you mean? 35 00:01:10,458 --> 00:01:12,425 Well, when you were gonna adopt a baby, 36 00:01:12,427 --> 00:01:14,360 we were gonna get a divorce right after. 37 00:01:14,362 --> 00:01:17,230 But now, if we become Louis's foster parents, 38 00:01:17,232 --> 00:01:19,599 we're gonna have to be together for a minimum of six months. 39 00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:20,666 Uh, not that I'm complaining. 40 00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:22,568 This is the happiest and most loving of any 41 00:01:22,570 --> 00:01:24,537 of my three marriages. 42 00:01:24,539 --> 00:01:26,105 I'm thinking it would just be the opposite 43 00:01:26,107 --> 00:01:27,306 of when Jake was here. 44 00:01:27,308 --> 00:01:29,108 You were the dad, and I occasionally imparted wisdom, 45 00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:31,844 like... the skull and crossbones on a bottle 46 00:01:31,846 --> 00:01:34,313 underneath the sink doesn't mean that it's pirate juice. 47 00:01:34,315 --> 00:01:36,916 Okay, well, uh, uh, 48 00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:38,918 then I will follow your lead with Louis. 49 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,587 I will be the second in command, the-the copilot, 50 00:01:41,589 --> 00:01:44,991 the, uh, the, uh, the lieutenant, if you will. 51 00:01:44,993 --> 00:01:46,592 I won't. 52 00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:49,428 This is hard. 53 00:01:49,430 --> 00:01:51,130 Oh, all right, let me help you out here. 54 00:01:51,132 --> 00:01:52,598 Type in a phrase. 55 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,233 Anything you want to say. 56 00:01:56,070 --> 00:01:57,070 Okay. 57 00:01:57,071 --> 00:02:00,072 "I... want to quit." 58 00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:03,910 Okay, uh... 59 00:02:04,913 --> 00:02:07,113 (speaks Mandarin Chinese) 60 00:02:08,917 --> 00:02:10,082 Uh, excuse me. 61 00:02:10,084 --> 00:02:11,751 If you're trying to say, "I want to quit," 62 00:02:11,753 --> 00:02:14,186 it's pronounced... (speaks Mandarin Chinese) 63 00:02:14,188 --> 00:02:17,323 What you asked for is a lap dance. 64 00:02:17,325 --> 00:02:19,559 Oh, my God, I'm sorry. 65 00:02:19,561 --> 00:02:21,093 It's okay, I wasn't offended. 66 00:02:21,095 --> 00:02:23,429 Oh, well, in that case... 67 00:02:23,431 --> 00:02:25,097 (repeats mispronunciation) 68 00:02:25,099 --> 00:02:26,799 (laughs) 69 00:02:26,801 --> 00:02:27,801 I'm Jean. 70 00:02:27,802 --> 00:02:29,035 I'm Walden. 71 00:02:30,071 --> 00:02:32,038 Oh, and, uh, this is Louis and Alan. 72 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:33,940 Hi. Nice to meet you. 73 00:02:33,942 --> 00:02:36,242 So, you're teaching Louis Mandarin? 74 00:02:36,244 --> 00:02:39,211 Well, I bought him, uh, an app for 99 cents, 75 00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:41,681 so, yeah, I'm teaching him. 76 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,883 (laughs) 77 00:02:43,885 --> 00:02:47,420 Well, I speak fluent Mandarin, so if you need any help 78 00:02:47,422 --> 00:02:50,489 with anything... 79 00:02:50,491 --> 00:02:52,024 give me a call. 80 00:02:52,026 --> 00:02:55,027 Ah, well, I could always use a helping hand. 81 00:02:55,029 --> 00:02:56,228 (chuckles) 82 00:02:58,032 --> 00:03:00,833 (speaking Mandarin Chinese) 83 00:03:00,835 --> 00:03:03,636 Oh. Oh! 84 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,140 Nice meeting you. 85 00:03:09,777 --> 00:03:11,577 What happened? 86 00:03:11,579 --> 00:03:13,412 What did you say? 87 00:03:13,414 --> 00:03:15,615 He said, "They're married." 88 00:03:15,617 --> 00:03:18,851 And if he hadn't, I was about to. 89 00:03:18,853 --> 00:03:21,754 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 90 00:03:21,756 --> 00:03:22,194 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 91 00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:26,195 ♪ Two and a Half Men 12x06 ♪ Alan Shot a Little Girl Original Air Date on Dece 92 00:03:26,196 --> 00:03:32,196 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 93 00:03:32,197 --> 00:03:33,676 ♪ Men. ♪ 94 00:03:33,678 --> 00:03:35,077 How's it going out there? 95 00:03:35,079 --> 00:03:36,645 I don't know. I'm trying to read their lips. 96 00:03:36,647 --> 00:03:38,447 He either said, "I really like it here," 97 00:03:38,449 --> 00:03:40,616 or "I'd really like a beer." 98 00:03:42,153 --> 00:03:43,285 I-I'm sure he's saying good things. 99 00:03:43,287 --> 00:03:45,087 You know, how-how you're teaching him Chinese, 100 00:03:45,089 --> 00:03:47,823 how I'm teaching him environmental awareness. 101 00:03:47,825 --> 00:03:50,292 You taught him to pee in the shower to save water. 102 00:03:50,294 --> 00:03:53,295 And you know what our Mother Earth says to that? 103 00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:55,030 Xiexie. 104 00:03:56,300 --> 00:04:00,069 I got to tell you, I've already grown attached to this kid. 105 00:04:00,071 --> 00:04:02,037 And if she does try to take him away, 106 00:04:02,039 --> 00:04:04,306 I know a guy who can get him back. 107 00:04:04,308 --> 00:04:05,941 You're kidding, right? 108 00:04:05,943 --> 00:04:08,243 Right, kidding. 109 00:04:08,245 --> 00:04:12,214 But if I find an envelope in my car with, say, two grand in it, 110 00:04:12,216 --> 00:04:14,817 I have no way of knowing where it came from. 111 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,252 Can I talk to you guys for a second? 112 00:04:17,254 --> 00:04:18,987 Uh, yeah, sure. 113 00:04:18,989 --> 00:04:20,589 Uh, Berta, could you watch Louis? 114 00:04:20,591 --> 00:04:21,924 Absolutely. 115 00:04:21,926 --> 00:04:23,926 We'll be in the car with the engine running. 116 00:04:23,928 --> 00:04:25,294 No reason. 117 00:04:26,897 --> 00:04:29,698 So, I talked to Louis about his weekend here. 118 00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,768 Uh, did he answer you in English or Mandarin? 119 00:04:32,770 --> 00:04:34,236 English. 120 00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:36,271 Though I'm very impressed you're teaching him Chinese. 121 00:04:36,273 --> 00:04:38,040 And to pee in the shower. 122 00:04:38,042 --> 00:04:40,142 That's mine. 123 00:04:40,144 --> 00:04:44,012 I'm also teaching him to dance like no one is watching. 124 00:04:44,915 --> 00:04:48,484 Well, he seems to have settled in nicely. 125 00:04:48,486 --> 00:04:50,719 He feels very happy and safe with you guys, 126 00:04:50,721 --> 00:04:53,222 so I see no reason why I shouldn't approve you 127 00:04:53,224 --> 00:04:54,490 to be Louis's foster parents. 128 00:04:54,492 --> 00:04:55,791 Really? Are you serious? 129 00:04:55,793 --> 00:04:57,392 I rarely lie about these things. 130 00:04:57,394 --> 00:04:59,762 I did it once, and it did not go well. 131 00:04:59,764 --> 00:05:01,797 This-this is great! 132 00:05:01,799 --> 00:05:04,967 I-I know. I-I've never been approved for anything, ever. 133 00:05:04,969 --> 00:05:06,902 Bite me, Discover Card. 134 00:05:06,904 --> 00:05:08,837 Congratulations! Thank you! 135 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:10,906 This is my favorite part of the job. 136 00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:12,775 Well, that and doughnut Friday. 137 00:05:12,777 --> 00:05:14,843 Oh, God, my life is empty. 138 00:05:14,845 --> 00:05:16,712 Oh, wait, d-does Louis know? 139 00:05:16,714 --> 00:05:18,781 No, he thinks I'm happy. 140 00:05:20,050 --> 00:05:23,218 Oh, you mean about him here. 141 00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:24,653 Uh, no, you should tell him. 142 00:05:24,655 --> 00:05:27,089 But before you do, just remember, 143 00:05:27,091 --> 00:05:30,025 kids who've been in the foster system as long as he has can be 144 00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:31,760 a little withdrawn or manipulative, 145 00:05:31,762 --> 00:05:33,695 so don't be surprised if he acts out. 146 00:05:33,697 --> 00:05:35,864 It's okay. I was a rebel when I was a kid. 147 00:05:35,866 --> 00:05:37,800 One night, I took my mom's car for a joyride. 148 00:05:37,802 --> 00:05:40,002 (chuckles) The cops would have never caught me 149 00:05:40,004 --> 00:05:42,871 if the library hadn't been closed. 150 00:05:42,873 --> 00:05:44,339 Well, call me if you need anything. 151 00:05:44,341 --> 00:05:46,542 I got to run. I got to hit the craft store. 152 00:05:46,544 --> 00:05:50,479 I am making each one of my cats a Christmas stocking. 153 00:05:50,481 --> 00:05:53,081 I should have stopped at "I got to run." 154 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,083 Anyway, congratulations. 155 00:05:56,587 --> 00:05:59,421 Oh, hey, uh, Louis, could you come in here? 156 00:05:59,423 --> 00:06:01,990 Oh, my God, we should tell him he can't stay. 157 00:06:01,992 --> 00:06:03,592 How funny would that be? 158 00:06:05,062 --> 00:06:07,396 I'll follow your lead. 159 00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:12,267 Hey, Louis, um, 160 00:06:12,269 --> 00:06:13,769 so Ms. McMartin said 161 00:06:13,771 --> 00:06:16,405 that you like it here and you want to stay. 162 00:06:16,407 --> 00:06:17,407 I do. 163 00:06:17,408 --> 00:06:18,607 Well, we told her 164 00:06:18,609 --> 00:06:20,342 that we want you to stay, 165 00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:23,712 and she said... okay! 166 00:06:23,714 --> 00:06:25,247 Really? Cool! 167 00:06:25,249 --> 00:06:26,648 Yeah. We should celebrate. 168 00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:29,051 Can we get pizza, Zippy? 169 00:06:29,053 --> 00:06:30,853 (Berta laughs) 170 00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:33,055 That turned out funnier than I thought it would. 171 00:06:34,992 --> 00:06:36,959 ♪ Men. ♪ 172 00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:38,961 You know, when my son was your age, 173 00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:41,096 we used to play video games just like this. 174 00:06:41,098 --> 00:06:43,432 Really? Yes, and I used to let him win, 175 00:06:43,434 --> 00:06:44,867 just like I'm letting you win... 176 00:06:44,869 --> 00:06:46,134 (cars crashing over TV) Hey! 177 00:06:46,136 --> 00:06:47,903 How'd you blow up my car?! 178 00:06:47,905 --> 00:06:51,006 All right, Louis, time to get ready for bed. 179 00:06:51,008 --> 00:06:52,808 Five more minutes? 180 00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:54,142 No. You know the deal. 181 00:06:54,144 --> 00:06:56,612 One hour of video games a night. Now it's bedtime. 182 00:06:56,614 --> 00:06:58,347 Aw, no fair. 183 00:06:58,349 --> 00:06:59,414 Well, life isn't fair. 184 00:06:59,416 --> 00:07:01,116 Look at my face, look at his. 185 00:07:01,118 --> 00:07:03,886 All right, I'm gonna go run you a bath. 186 00:07:03,888 --> 00:07:06,655 Put your dishes in the sink and put away the controllers. 187 00:07:06,657 --> 00:07:08,824 And, Louis, you help him. 188 00:07:12,363 --> 00:07:15,764 Oh, I know you're upset, but rules are important. 189 00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:19,902 It's just, we never got to play video games in the group home. 190 00:07:19,904 --> 00:07:22,905 Oh, of course. 191 00:07:22,907 --> 00:07:25,107 The group home. 192 00:07:26,877 --> 00:07:29,745 Okay, what if we just snuck in a few more minutes? 193 00:07:29,747 --> 00:07:31,980 Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh... 194 00:07:31,982 --> 00:07:33,415 but you can't tell Walden, 195 00:07:33,417 --> 00:07:35,884 and we have to play it really quietly. 196 00:07:35,886 --> 00:07:36,785 (quietly): You're the coolest. 197 00:07:36,787 --> 00:07:38,820 (gasps) I'm the cool dad. 198 00:07:39,623 --> 00:07:42,224 (whispers): I'm the cool dad. 199 00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,962 ♪ Men. ♪ 200 00:07:46,964 --> 00:07:48,363 Oh, hey there, kiddo. 201 00:07:48,365 --> 00:07:49,197 How'd you sleep? 202 00:07:49,199 --> 00:07:51,133 With my eyes closed. 203 00:07:51,135 --> 00:07:53,001 Ah, kicking it old school. 204 00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:54,536 I respect that. 205 00:07:54,538 --> 00:07:55,871 Can I have breakfast? 206 00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:58,840 Sure. How about some oatmeal? 207 00:07:58,842 --> 00:07:59,875 Cookies! 208 00:07:59,877 --> 00:08:03,078 Well, do you like oatmeal cookies? Yes. 209 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,980 Well, this is a sugarless oatmeal cookie 210 00:08:04,982 --> 00:08:06,882 in wet, pasty form. 211 00:08:06,884 --> 00:08:08,383 Why can't I have cookies? 212 00:08:08,385 --> 00:08:10,218 Well, because cookies aren't breakfast food. 213 00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:12,454 And remember what Walden said about eating healthy. 214 00:08:12,456 --> 00:08:13,889 Yeah, I know. 215 00:08:13,891 --> 00:08:17,659 My last foster family wouldn't give me cookies either. 216 00:08:17,661 --> 00:08:19,494 Oh. 217 00:08:21,231 --> 00:08:23,899 I suppose one wouldn't hurt. 218 00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:29,004 Thanks. (chuckles) 219 00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:30,739 WALDEN: Hey, Louis, are you up yet? 220 00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:32,674 Oh. Uh, in here! 221 00:08:32,676 --> 00:08:34,710 (quietly): Eat it. Wipe your mouth. 222 00:08:35,546 --> 00:08:37,946 Chocolate lips sink ships. 223 00:08:37,948 --> 00:08:39,047 (singsongy): Morning. 224 00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:40,849 Morning. Just making Louis some oatmeal. 225 00:08:40,851 --> 00:08:43,518 That's good, 'cause we got a big day for you, big guy. 226 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,253 I got a bunch of errands to run, 227 00:08:45,255 --> 00:08:47,789 but Alan is gonna take you to the store 228 00:08:47,791 --> 00:08:49,591 and buy you a new backpack. 229 00:08:49,593 --> 00:08:51,793 I saw one that looks just like Yoda. 230 00:08:51,795 --> 00:08:54,329 (imitates Yoda): To school you will wear it. 231 00:08:54,331 --> 00:08:55,864 Okay. Hmm. 232 00:08:55,866 --> 00:08:58,066 What are you eating? 233 00:08:58,068 --> 00:09:01,036 Show it to me. 234 00:09:01,038 --> 00:09:02,571 Is that a cookie? 235 00:09:03,674 --> 00:09:05,607 Where did you get a cookie? 236 00:09:08,412 --> 00:09:11,513 Louis, where did you get a cookie? 237 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:15,784 Hey, uh, Louis, why don't you go get dressed 238 00:09:15,786 --> 00:09:17,853 and-and I'll make you some oatmeal, 239 00:09:17,855 --> 00:09:19,588 and then you can get going. 240 00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:20,622 Okay. 241 00:09:20,624 --> 00:09:22,124 Oh, and-and don't forget 242 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,325 to brush your teeth. 243 00:09:23,327 --> 00:09:24,926 And-and wash your hands. 244 00:09:24,928 --> 00:09:26,962 Oh, and put on clean underwear. 245 00:09:26,964 --> 00:09:28,230 Clean underwear? 246 00:09:28,232 --> 00:09:30,532 We're going to Target, not the White House. 247 00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:33,668 Why would you give him a cookie for breakfast? 248 00:09:33,670 --> 00:09:36,905 I couldn't help it. He gave me orphan face. 249 00:09:36,907 --> 00:09:39,241 (Cockney accent): Please, sir, can I have a cookie? 250 00:09:39,243 --> 00:09:42,244 Me tum-tum is all empty and growly. 251 00:09:42,246 --> 00:09:44,546 When it comes to Louis, we have to be a team. 252 00:09:44,548 --> 00:09:46,915 If I make a rule, you got to have my back. 253 00:09:46,917 --> 00:09:48,784 You're right, you're right, and-and from now on, 254 00:09:48,786 --> 00:09:51,286 I will ignore him like I ignore all those calls 255 00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:52,587 from the collection agency. 256 00:09:52,589 --> 00:09:54,990 Great. Okay, now, please, 257 00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:56,825 today, just take him to the store, 258 00:09:56,827 --> 00:09:58,794 get him a backpack, and then bring him home. 259 00:09:58,796 --> 00:10:00,328 I want to do something fun later. 260 00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:02,964 A hint: has to do with miniature golf 261 00:10:02,966 --> 00:10:06,068 and it rhymes with "what-what." 262 00:10:06,070 --> 00:10:07,302 That sounds great. 263 00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:08,937 I'll, uh, take him out right after breakfast. 264 00:10:08,939 --> 00:10:11,106 And while you're out, get some more of these cookies. 265 00:10:11,108 --> 00:10:14,810 (Cockney accent): They make me tum-tum all smiley, governor. 266 00:10:14,812 --> 00:10:16,878 See, I can do accents. 267 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,181 ♪ Men. ♪ 268 00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:22,684 Okay. Okay, here's the fun part. Wait. Wait. 269 00:10:22,686 --> 00:10:25,087 ♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ♪ 270 00:10:25,089 --> 00:10:27,189 ♪ Domo ♪ ♪ Domo ♪ 271 00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:29,191 ♪ Domo ♪ ♪ Domo ♪ 272 00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:32,260 ♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ♪ 273 00:10:32,262 --> 00:10:33,995 ♪ Domo ♪ ♪ Domo ♪ 274 00:10:33,997 --> 00:10:35,730 ♪ Domo. ♪ ♪ Domo. ♪ 275 00:10:35,732 --> 00:10:36,965 (music continues) 276 00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:39,468 I like that song. It's about robots. 277 00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:42,037 Yup. If you have to have one cassette stuck in your dash, 278 00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:43,605 make it Styx. 279 00:10:43,607 --> 00:10:46,608 Look, laser tag! Can we go? 280 00:10:46,610 --> 00:10:48,243 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. 281 00:10:48,245 --> 00:10:51,379 We're just gonna go buy a backpack and go straight home. 282 00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:52,414 Please? 283 00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:54,816 Oh, no, do not give me that face. 284 00:10:54,818 --> 00:10:56,318 It is not gonna work. 285 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,220 I thought you were cool. 286 00:10:59,490 --> 00:11:03,358 Well... I suppose one game of laser tag couldn't hurt. 287 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,493 Awesome! 288 00:11:04,495 --> 00:11:06,194 But it has to be a... 289 00:11:06,196 --> 00:11:07,662 (turns up music) 290 00:11:07,664 --> 00:11:08,630 ♪ Secret, secret ♪ 291 00:11:08,632 --> 00:11:10,966 BOTH: ♪ I got a secret... ♪ 292 00:11:11,902 --> 00:11:13,201 ♪ Men. ♪ 293 00:11:13,203 --> 00:11:15,804 (kids laughing, lasers firing) 294 00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:21,343 (laughs) 295 00:11:21,345 --> 00:11:24,679 Go tell your mommies you got shot by CoolDad47. 296 00:11:27,017 --> 00:11:29,518 Hey, hey, who hit me? 297 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,087 I got you. Oh. I'm gonna get you. 298 00:11:32,089 --> 00:11:33,054 I'm gonna get you. 299 00:11:33,056 --> 00:11:34,689 Yeah, yeah, you better run. 300 00:11:34,691 --> 00:11:36,024 Better run faster. 301 00:11:36,026 --> 00:11:37,559 (thump) LOUIS: Ow, my head! 302 00:11:37,561 --> 00:11:38,727 Louis? 303 00:11:38,729 --> 00:11:40,095 Louis, are you okay? 304 00:11:40,097 --> 00:11:41,329 Hey, whoa, whoa! 305 00:11:41,331 --> 00:11:43,231 Wait, wait, don't shoot! Uh, my kid is hurt. 306 00:11:46,036 --> 00:11:46,968 Ha, ha. Sucker. 307 00:11:46,970 --> 00:11:48,837 ♪ Men. ♪ 308 00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:57,407 ♪ Men. ♪ 309 00:11:57,409 --> 00:11:59,643 Hey. I got here as quick as I could. 310 00:11:59,645 --> 00:12:01,044 Are you okay, buddy? What happened? 311 00:12:01,046 --> 00:12:02,346 He's fine. It's typical kid stuff, you know? 312 00:12:02,348 --> 00:12:03,914 He was running a little too fast, 313 00:12:03,916 --> 00:12:05,449 and he tripped and bumped his head. 314 00:12:05,451 --> 00:12:07,684 And then Alan shot a little girl. 315 00:12:09,989 --> 00:12:12,389 What? We played laser tag. 316 00:12:12,391 --> 00:12:13,690 ♪ Secret, secret ♪ 317 00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,359 ♪ It was a secret. ♪ 318 00:12:17,162 --> 00:12:20,264 Alan, can I talk to you in the hallway? 319 00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:22,666 Ooh, you're in trouble. 320 00:12:31,911 --> 00:12:33,977 I really hope you have a good explanation 321 00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:35,612 for taking him to laser tag. 322 00:12:35,614 --> 00:12:38,248 Uh, okay, j-just out of curiosity, 323 00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:40,117 um, uh, what, in your opinion, 324 00:12:40,119 --> 00:12:42,719 would qualify as a good explanation? 325 00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,855 I don't know. Y-Your car broke down 326 00:12:44,857 --> 00:12:46,556 outside of the place. 327 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:49,092 And then the tornado was coming, so you took shelter inside. 328 00:12:49,094 --> 00:12:51,628 And then once you got in there, you contracted a rare disease 329 00:12:51,630 --> 00:12:54,965 that could only be cured by playing laser tag. 330 00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:57,367 Wow, it's like you were there. 331 00:12:57,369 --> 00:12:58,835 What the hell, man? 332 00:12:58,837 --> 00:13:00,137 You said you had my back. 333 00:13:00,139 --> 00:13:01,738 Why do you keep doing this? 334 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,873 He thinks I'm cool. 335 00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,141 I mean, when Jake was a kid, 336 00:13:04,143 --> 00:13:05,876 he thought Charlie was the cool one. 337 00:13:05,878 --> 00:13:08,011 When you moved in, Jake thought you were the cool one. 338 00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:09,579 Now it's my turn. 339 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,149 Louis thinks I'm Al-Al Cool Dad. 340 00:13:12,151 --> 00:13:13,650 No, he doesn't. 341 00:13:13,652 --> 00:13:15,018 He's using this 342 00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:18,322 to manipulate you just like Ms. McMartin said he would. 343 00:13:18,324 --> 00:13:20,924 Oh, so the-the only possible reason that someone 344 00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:23,160 would like me is because they're trying to manipulate me? 345 00:13:23,162 --> 00:13:25,128 Yes, that's right! 346 00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:29,066 You're not Al-Al Cool Dad, you're just Weird Al. 347 00:13:29,068 --> 00:13:31,301 Okay, first of all, 348 00:13:31,303 --> 00:13:34,004 that's a compliment to a lover of puns. 349 00:13:34,006 --> 00:13:36,473 Secondly, you're overreacting. 350 00:13:36,475 --> 00:13:38,108 Overreacting? 351 00:13:39,244 --> 00:13:40,978 (quietly): I asked you to get Louis a backpack. 352 00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:42,946 Instead you got him stitches! 353 00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:44,281 Uh, actually, it's a liquid band. 354 00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,750 Shut up! 355 00:13:46,752 --> 00:13:48,385 Louis is fine. 356 00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:50,320 Kids get hurt all the time, especially boys. 357 00:13:50,322 --> 00:13:51,955 Jake was constantly banging his head. Okay, 358 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:54,157 I really don't think you should be using Jake as an example. 359 00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,893 Oh, so what are you saying? That I did a bad job raising my son? 360 00:13:56,895 --> 00:14:00,263 Jake is great, but he did just send you a photo from Tokyo 361 00:14:00,265 --> 00:14:03,533 and said-- and I quote-- "Look at what a great job they did 362 00:14:03,535 --> 00:14:06,269 rebuilding the city after Godzilla." 363 00:14:06,271 --> 00:14:09,706 Okay, I may not be the best parent in the world, 364 00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:12,242 but at least I found a woman willing to have a kid with me. 365 00:14:12,244 --> 00:14:14,411 Okay, you know what, we should drop this. 366 00:14:14,413 --> 00:14:16,713 Like you did Jake, on his head, repeatedly. 367 00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,448 Yeah. I don't have to take this. 368 00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:20,083 So I am just gonna walk away. 369 00:14:20,085 --> 00:14:22,085 Like every woman you've ever dated. 370 00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,654 Oh, no, you're gonna walk away? 371 00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,456 Well, when am I gonna see you again? 372 00:14:26,458 --> 00:14:28,325 Oh, I know. In 20 minutes, 373 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,528 at my house, where you live rent-free. 374 00:14:31,530 --> 00:14:34,031 Proctology is on the eighth floor, Walden! 375 00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:36,400 In case you'd like to get that stick removed. 376 00:14:36,402 --> 00:14:40,037 Al-Al Cool Dad, out. 377 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:45,976 ♪ Men. ♪ 378 00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:49,446 Morning. 379 00:14:49,448 --> 00:14:50,847 Morning. 380 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,116 I want you to know I spent a lot of time thinking 381 00:14:53,118 --> 00:14:54,551 about everything last night. 382 00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:55,652 And? 383 00:14:55,654 --> 00:14:58,688 And I think an apology is sufficient. 384 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,290 I don't need a gift. 385 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:02,826 Although I certainly wouldn't refuse 386 00:15:02,828 --> 00:15:04,194 a new panini press. 387 00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:05,662 That's a great idea. 388 00:15:05,664 --> 00:15:07,564 You know, if I bought you a panini press, 389 00:15:07,566 --> 00:15:11,134 would you smash your balls between the hot metal grates? 390 00:15:11,136 --> 00:15:13,003 Oh, okay. 391 00:15:13,005 --> 00:15:15,772 I see I'm the only one capable of being a mature adult, 392 00:15:15,774 --> 00:15:17,841 so to you I say... 393 00:15:17,843 --> 00:15:19,176 (blows raspberry) 394 00:15:19,178 --> 00:15:21,078 You spit on me. 395 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:22,345 Oh, did I? 396 00:15:22,347 --> 00:15:23,713 (blows raspberry) 397 00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,915 Okay. 398 00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,183 Let's go. (blows raspberry) 399 00:15:26,185 --> 00:15:27,818 (blows raspberry) 400 00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:30,053 (both blowing raspberries) 401 00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,721 Can I play, too? 402 00:15:32,858 --> 00:15:35,025 (blows raspberry) 403 00:15:35,027 --> 00:15:38,261 Hey, buddy, uh, you're already finished with your chores? 404 00:15:38,263 --> 00:15:40,163 Yup, I made my bed. 405 00:15:40,165 --> 00:15:42,332 What a responsible young man. 406 00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:45,135 I asked you to do something and you did it. 407 00:15:45,137 --> 00:15:47,404 And he's six. 408 00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,073 Hey, uh, buddy, now that you're finished with your chores, 409 00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:52,642 what do you say we go bowling, huh? 410 00:15:52,644 --> 00:15:53,877 Doesn't that sound fun? 411 00:15:53,879 --> 00:15:55,612 We get to wear other people's shoes. 412 00:15:55,614 --> 00:15:56,813 Can Alan come? 413 00:15:56,815 --> 00:15:58,815 Oh... 414 00:15:58,817 --> 00:16:00,851 Alan already wears other people's shoes. 415 00:16:00,853 --> 00:16:04,654 I actually have to go to the grocery store, anyway. 416 00:16:04,656 --> 00:16:07,224 Do you know what else would be fun? 417 00:16:07,226 --> 00:16:09,259 Hey, anything you want to do. 418 00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:11,728 Let's go to the grocery store with Alan. 419 00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:15,832 (blows raspberry) 420 00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:18,935 ♪ Men. ♪ 421 00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,604 Can I get Pop Tarts? 422 00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:23,306 (French accent): Ah, Pop Tarts. 423 00:16:23,308 --> 00:16:25,442 This is a wonderful choice. 424 00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:28,345 Might I suggest the classic strawberry? 425 00:16:28,347 --> 00:16:30,914 Is best by 2016. 426 00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:32,983 This is an excellent year. 427 00:16:32,985 --> 00:16:35,852 Anything for the lady? 428 00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:39,623 Perhaps a glass of kiss my shir-ass. 429 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:41,424 Oh, oh. 430 00:16:41,426 --> 00:16:42,559 What do you got there, buddy? 431 00:16:42,561 --> 00:16:44,761 I want Froot Loops. 432 00:16:44,763 --> 00:16:47,330 You know, we only get one special treat. 433 00:16:47,332 --> 00:16:50,100 So if you want those, we got to put the Pop Tarts back. 434 00:16:50,102 --> 00:16:51,668 But I want both. 435 00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:54,371 Well, here's the thing: we can't have both. 436 00:16:54,373 --> 00:16:57,240 So... that's the rule. 437 00:17:05,117 --> 00:17:07,984 Ooh, this should be good. 438 00:17:11,190 --> 00:17:13,390 Okay, Louis... 439 00:17:13,392 --> 00:17:14,991 you heard what I said. 440 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,493 You can't have these. 441 00:17:22,134 --> 00:17:23,667 Oh, Snap... 442 00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,835 Crackle and Pop. 443 00:17:29,608 --> 00:17:31,107 What are you doing? 444 00:17:31,109 --> 00:17:32,909 I want Froot Loops. 445 00:17:32,911 --> 00:17:35,178 Okay, I'm gonna count to three, 446 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,981 and if you don't get up, you're gonna be in big trouble. 447 00:17:39,418 --> 00:17:42,619 Ooh, counting. This is some groundbreaking stuff. 448 00:17:42,621 --> 00:17:44,821 One... 449 00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:47,224 ...two... 450 00:17:48,794 --> 00:17:50,060 ...three. 451 00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:53,530 One... 452 00:17:53,532 --> 00:17:55,332 One and a half... 453 00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:58,201 Well, you clearly have this under control. 454 00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,470 I'm gonna go check out the cuties in the produce section. 455 00:18:00,472 --> 00:18:03,974 And I may or may not be talking about the tangerines. 456 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:07,110 You hear that, Louis? He's leaving. 457 00:18:07,112 --> 00:18:09,246 And I, now, I guess, 458 00:18:09,248 --> 00:18:11,314 now I'm leaving, so... 459 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,416 unless you want to live here in the cereal aisle, 460 00:18:13,418 --> 00:18:15,552 I suggest you get up. 461 00:18:17,189 --> 00:18:19,356 All right, okay. Here we go, then. 462 00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:21,157 Have fun. (chuckles) 463 00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:23,893 I hope Captain Crunch can put you through college. 464 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,368 Next stop is the checkout aisle. 465 00:18:33,272 --> 00:18:35,038 That's it. 466 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,340 I am not kidding, I mean it. I am leaving. 467 00:18:37,342 --> 00:18:39,576 ALAN (imitating P.A.): Attention shoppers, 468 00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:41,111 we are having a two-for-one sale 469 00:18:41,113 --> 00:18:44,981 on meaningless threats in aisle five. 470 00:18:44,983 --> 00:18:46,850 Can you help me out here? Help? Oh, oh. 471 00:18:46,852 --> 00:18:48,151 You want me to help? 472 00:18:48,153 --> 00:18:50,954 Well, I suppose I could drop him on his head repeatedly. 473 00:18:50,956 --> 00:18:54,124 Okay, you know what, I deserve that. 474 00:18:54,126 --> 00:18:56,139 Yesterday I said some things that I regret. 475 00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:56,968 Mm. Like what? 476 00:18:56,992 --> 00:18:58,864 God, do we have to do this now? 477 00:18:59,331 --> 00:19:00,597 Why not? I'm not going anywhere. 478 00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:02,999 Clearly, he's not going anywhere. 479 00:19:03,001 --> 00:19:06,936 Okay, fine, I said that-that you're not a very good father. 480 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,005 And that is simply not true. 481 00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:10,340 Thank you. 482 00:19:10,342 --> 00:19:12,342 That must have been hard for you to say. 483 00:19:12,344 --> 00:19:15,211 And Jake is a very bright and capable young man. 484 00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:17,947 And that must have been damn near impossible to say. 485 00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,351 But... very sweet. 486 00:19:21,353 --> 00:19:23,987 Um, I shouldn't have gone behind your back with Louis. 487 00:19:23,989 --> 00:19:26,956 But it just, it felt so good that he wanted to be with me. 488 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,025 And I've never been anybody's first pick before. 489 00:19:29,027 --> 00:19:31,795 You were my first pick to help me raise a kid. 490 00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:34,364 Clean up on aisle five. 491 00:19:34,366 --> 00:19:35,966 The floor's about to be covered in tears. 492 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:38,134 Okay. Can-Can you give me a hand here? 493 00:19:40,205 --> 00:19:42,238 Okay, I've seen this a million times before. 494 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,141 There is one surefire parental technique that always works. 495 00:19:51,049 --> 00:19:52,615 He wanted Froot Loops. 496 00:19:52,617 --> 00:19:54,984 We're good parents. We really are. 497 00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:57,120 ♪ Men. ♪ 498 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,574 ♪ Men. ♪ Louis is all tucked in. 499 00:20:04,898 --> 00:20:06,331 Oh, yeah? 500 00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:08,467 No extra bedtime story? 501 00:20:08,469 --> 00:20:10,369 No secret dessert? 502 00:20:10,371 --> 00:20:12,738 No dancing like no one's watching? 503 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,941 No jazz hands were raised, no heels were kicked. 504 00:20:15,943 --> 00:20:18,777 I appreciate that. I got your back. 505 00:20:18,779 --> 00:20:21,213 And to say thank you, 506 00:20:21,215 --> 00:20:24,583 I got you a special surprise. 507 00:20:26,386 --> 00:20:28,520 (gasps) Froot Loops! 508 00:20:28,522 --> 00:20:30,913 Shh. ♪ Secret, secret ♪ 509 00:20:30,914 --> 00:20:32,947 BOTH: ♪ We got a secret. ♪ 510 00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:40,002 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man