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Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:06,068
Alan.
2
00:00:06,906 --> 00:00:08,965
Hurry up. The girls are almost here
and I'm a...
3
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,673
Sorry, just finishing up my costume.
4
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,984
Who the hell are
you supposed to be?
5
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,816
You never saw Pretty in Pink?
6
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,720
Oh, right!
You're Molly Ringwald.
7
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,093
Ah hah. I'm Duckie.
8
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,661
You know, the best friend,
the scene stealer?
9
00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:33,728
Some would say
the true star of the film.
10
00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:36,967
Who played him? Boy George?
11
00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:41,499
Hey, what do you think
about zombie Elvis, baby?
12
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,039
And don't be cruel.
13
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:47,011
It's great. You look like both
the impersonator at my wedding
14
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,578
and my ex-wife.
15
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,540
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
16
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,276
What decays in Vegas,
stays in Vegas.
17
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,180
Hey, did your
friend Stacy say anything
18
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:58,414
about the girl she's bringing for me?
19
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,388
Just that she's supposed
to be really cute,
20
00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:02,083
and she just moved out here
after a tough breakup.
21
00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:03,887
Ooh, hot, lonely and damaged.
22
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:05,496
Duckie's getting lucky.
23
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,731
You know, if Duckie
really wants to get lucky,
24
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:11,460
he'll tell the girls that he's
someone that people remember.
25
00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:12,899
Like Ferris Bueller.
26
00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:17,374
Fine, you win again, Broderick.
27
00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:19,611
God, you know what
I love about Halloween?
28
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,542
You can put "slutty"
in front of any job position,
29
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,113
and it becomes a costume.
30
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,914
Slutty nurse, slutty librarian,
slutty lunch lady.
31
00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:32,014
Hey, you didn't know Mrs. Goobadeck
from Mark Twain Elementary.
32
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,127
She rocked that hairnet.
33
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:36,986
My chest.
34
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,562
Seriously?
What's going on?
35
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,426
I don't know. I can't breathe.
My chest is tight.
36
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,601
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Here, here. Sit down.
37
00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:45,168
Um... Oh, well, don't worry.
38
00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:47,305
I'm sure this is nothing, but...
39
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:50,737
I'm going to call an ambulance,
just in case.
40
00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,635
Just... Just stay calm.
You're gonna be fine.
41
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,280
Help! My friend is dying!
42
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,407
I can't settle down.
I think he's having a heart attack.
43
00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,586
Oh, my God, I'm having
a heart attack.
44
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,620
No, no. I'm just saying that
to get them to hurry.
45
00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,518
I'm not just saying that.
I think he's headed toward the light.
46
00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:08,091
I can't feel my left arm.
47
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,522
You're gonna be okay.
48
00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:11,822
It's probably just gas.
Try to fart!
49
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,596
- Trick...
- Or treat.
50
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,066
Oh, ladies. I'm sorry, you just
got here during a bit of a...
51
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:19,795
Ooh, I can see your nipples, Officer.
52
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,976
Anything you see will
be held against you.
53
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:28,477
- And I'm Harry Potter.
- But I'm not so hairy.
54
00:02:29,048 --> 00:02:30,811
She's mine.
55
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:37,154
Didn't work!
56
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:46,400
Ripped By mstoll
57
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,303
Don't worry, we're
almost to the hospital.
58
00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,096
Sir, are you taking
any medications?
59
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:56,002
Well, I take a generic Lipitor
and a women's multi-vitamin.
60
00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:58,744
I mean, just so you know,
I take the women's
61
00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,105
'cause it has more iron.
62
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,841
Same price, more iron.
Yes, please.
63
00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:07,416
- Is he gonna be okay?
- We're doing all we can, sir.
64
00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,053
I can't believe this is
happening, you know?
65
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:12,019
He's so young!
He leads such a healthy lifestyle...
66
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,624
Well, except for all the pot.
67
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,187
You know, the weed.
The... The ganja.
68
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:21,023
The ol' Mexican spinach.
69
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:25,464
Alan, if I live,
I'm going to kill you.
70
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,799
Stop it. You are gonna live.
71
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,142
Is he gonna live?
72
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,402
We're en route
with a 35-year-old male.
73
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:35,308
BP is 160/94, pulse is 108.
74
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,244
And he's dressed
as zombie Elvis, over!
75
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:41,146
I don't know if you guys
need to know that.
76
00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,321
They don't.
77
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:47,319
- By the way, I'm dressed as...
- Ferris Bueller?
78
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,922
Hey, hey, at least I took
a chance with my costume.
79
00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:54,998
I mean, Elvis and zombies.
It's real original.
80
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:56,998
Next year, it's vampire Obama.
81
00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,137
"Yes, we can!"
82
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,832
Excuse me, do you have
anything for the pain?
83
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,408
In my ass?
84
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:06,772
I know, I know.
85
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,107
I'm just... I'm freaking out
because I'm worried.
86
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:10,577
I mean, you are my best friend.
87
00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:12,307
And if something were
to happen to you,
88
00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:13,678
I don't know what I would do.
89
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:17,049
I mean, I've already lost a brother.
I can't lose you, too!
90
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,656
And you're more
of a brother than he was.
91
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:20,917
And now Jake's in the Army,
and I'm all alone.
92
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:23,493
- And I don't do well when I'm...
- Here, breathe.
93
00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,100
Thank you.
94
00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:33,236
Am I crazy, or is,
something happening here?
95
00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:45,076
Good, you made it.
96
00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:47,513
I'm sorry I pulled
you out of your Halloween party,
97
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,984
- I just figured you'd want to...
- I wasn't at a Halloween party.
98
00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:53,483
I just assumed,
since you're dressed...
99
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:54,819
So what happened?
100
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,622
I don't know.
We were about to go out,
101
00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:59,957
and he got chest pains
and suddenly collapsed.
102
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,724
Oh, wow.
103
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,561
He's so young.
104
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:04,896
So fit.
105
00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:07,072
So not you.
106
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,372
Hope he's okay.
107
00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:15,307
I never thought I'd have a boss
better than your brother,
108
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,346
but Walden is good people.
109
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,142
He's the best.
110
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:22,344
The guy has the biggest heart
of anyone I have ever met.
111
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,284
Yep, a heart of gold.
112
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,981
Clogged with arterial plaque.
113
00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:30,253
You've been a good friend to Walden.
He's lucky to have you.
114
00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:32,693
He's lucky to have you,
too, Sister Berta.
115
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:35,832
And, listen,
116
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:39,836
if, God forbid,
the worst happens,
117
00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,939
I just want you to know that
118
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,006
you'll always have
a job at the house.
119
00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:47,775
I mean, we'd have to talk
reduced salaries, but...
120
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,175
What makes you think
he'd leave you the house?
121
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:51,577
I'm his best friend.
122
00:05:51,784 --> 00:05:53,411
There's nobody closer
to him than me.
123
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:56,554
- I clean his underwear.
- I wear his underwear.
124
00:05:58,157 --> 00:05:59,624
Alan Harper?
125
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:01,453
Oh-oh, that's me.
126
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,128
I'm Dr. Prajneep.
127
00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:04,956
Your friend had a
mild heart attack.
128
00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:06,722
We put in a stent to
clear the blockage.
129
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,800
- Is that bad?
- In general, a heart attack is bad.
130
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,862
But he should
make a full recovery.
131
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:14,061
Oh, thank God.
132
00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:15,399
That is a huge relief.
133
00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:17,298
Is there anything
we should do at home?
134
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,978
I just want to make sure
he has all the care he needs.
135
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,304
Any special diet,
exercises, medications?
136
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:23,607
If it'd help,
137
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,182
I'd chew up his food and
feed him like a baby bird.
138
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:29,477
How could that possibly help?
139
00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:31,816
I'll tell you what
doesn't help. That tone.
140
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:33,616
Can we see him?
141
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:36,260
Soon as he's in recovery.
Any other questions?
142
00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:37,996
No, we're just happy
that he's gonna be okay.
143
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,222
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
144
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,298
By the way, Ferris Bueller
is my favorite movie.
145
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,071
Wait, Berta.
Where are you going?
146
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:48,467
We're not supposed
to go back there yet.
147
00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:52,110
I'm a nun at a hospital.
I can do whatever the hell I want.
148
00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:01,619
I'm dead.
149
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,793
And I'm in hell.
150
00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:10,253
Relax.
151
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:11,589
You're in the hospital.
152
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:13,993
You had a mild heart attack,
but you're gonna be fine.
153
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,724
I don't feel very good.
154
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,960
That's because they put
a stent in your heart.
155
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,366
But also I feel really good.
156
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:23,667
That's because they put morphine
in your veins.
157
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,405
We should start keeping morphine
in the house.
158
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,137
I know a guy.
159
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:33,046
Berta, you're so funny.
160
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,722
I would've missed you so much
if I would've died.
161
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,857
But you don't
have to worry about that.
162
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,549
- You're not going anywhere.
- I love you guys.
163
00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:42,853
We love you, too.
164
00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:45,030
You know, when I think about it,
165
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,699
you guys are
my only real family.
166
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,800
Oh, Walden, that's so...
167
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,230
Horrible.
168
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,564
Okay.
169
00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:55,468
Saved your life, but whatever.
170
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,767
My life is pathetic.
171
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:01,110
I mean, thank you guys so much
for being here.
172
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,942
But you're not good enough!
173
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,914
Okay, now it sounds
like my family.
174
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,278
Maybe you should rest.
175
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,013
You know, just go
to your happy place.
176
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,555
I know a shortcut.
177
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:17,388
- Say when.
- Whe...
178
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:20,566
Dressed as a nun,
giving some guy morphine.
179
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:23,633
Boy, does this take me
back to high school.
180
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:31,868
Hey, how you feeling?
181
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:34,103
- I'm all right.
- Well...
182
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,012
I know something that'll
make you feel better.
183
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:39,480
I made some of my famous
three bean salad.
184
00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:41,681
The secret...
185
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,947
I use four beans.
186
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,550
Garbanzo.
187
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,022
Shh.
188
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:51,622
You ever look out at the ocean
189
00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,890
and think about how small
and insignificant you are?
190
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,761
I don't need the ocean;
I can just call my mother.
191
00:08:57,403 --> 00:08:58,802
I almost died, Alan.
192
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,472
But the important thing is
you didn't.
193
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:02,573
So, now you just have
to listen to your doctors,
194
00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:04,743
don't stress about anything
and relax.
195
00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:08,943
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
196
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,080
Sorry.
197
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,254
That was supposed to scare the
life out of trick-or-treaters,
198
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:16,478
not you.
199
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:19,886
This sucks! How am I the one
with a stent in my heart?
200
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:21,650
I'm healthy, I'm fit.
201
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,488
You sit in front
of the TV every night,
202
00:09:23,696 --> 00:09:25,630
shoveling a pint of ice cream
down your throat.
203
00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:27,162
Hey, I eat my feelings,
204
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,493
and you are sending me
right back to the freezer.
205
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:30,828
You know, it just goes to show,
206
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,664
your life can end
in the blink of an eye.
207
00:09:32,872 --> 00:09:34,499
One day you're here,
the next day you're gone.
208
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:36,004
That's why I live
by the philosophy
209
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,972
"One day I'm here,
the next day I'm still here."
210
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:43,010
You know, if I would have died,
who would have missed me?
211
00:09:43,215 --> 00:09:45,740
What are you talking about?
I would, Berta would.
212
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,318
And you just got an e-mail
from Netflix the other day
213
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,580
that literally said,
"We miss you."
214
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:55,852
You know, other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.
215
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,529
At least you got Jake.
216
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,698
Well, that's true.
217
00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,833
I'll always have my little guy.
218
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,661
Although, in his last e-mail,
219
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:07,202
he asked me when the
Fourth of July was this year.
220
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:11,774
But, yes, I'm very lucky.
221
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:15,209
Do you know how much
I would give to have a kid
222
00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,247
who didn't understand
the concept of a calendar?
223
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,547
- All I have is money.
- Yeah.
224
00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:26,247
'Cause I wouldn't give up Jake
for a billion dollars.
225
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:31,896
- I got to make some changes.
- Changes are good.
226
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:33,565
You know,
I remember when I switched
227
00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:35,631
from American Idol to The Voice.
228
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:39,431
My life turned around
like Blake Shelton's chair.
229
00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:44,301
You know what?
I want to have a kid of my own.
230
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:45,899
What?
231
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,410
Yeah, I want something
to give my life meaning.
232
00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:50,980
I want somebody
I can love unconditionally.
233
00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,707
Someone I can teach,
someone I can nurture,
234
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,352
someone I can leave all this to.
235
00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:56,578
Well...
236
00:10:56,789 --> 00:10:58,222
I mean, I don't know
what to say, except...
237
00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:01,418
Papa?
238
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,256
Have you thought this through?
239
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:10,935
Having a kid is a lot of work.
240
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,764
Having you is a lot of work.
241
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,537
You know, having a child
would give my life meaning.
242
00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:17,834
Otherwise, all this
has been for nothing,
243
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,604
- and that's difficult to accept.
- You know what's difficult?
244
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:22,678
Removing a marble
your kid shoved up his nose.
245
00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:25,879
I did something like that.
I jammed a penny up there.
246
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:27,916
I was trying to get a gumball
to fall out of my butt.
247
00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:31,883
But a kid is permanent.
It's not like you're dating.
248
00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:34,184
You can't just stop calling
or change your number
249
00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,258
or fake your own death
because they annoy you.
250
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:39,729
- You do that to women?
- No, they do it to me.
251
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,692
Look, I'm sorry if it feels
like I'm being negative,
252
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:46,269
because the truth is,
you know, kids are amazing.
253
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,497
But you just had
this big health scare,
254
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,175
and you're probably not
in the best frame of mind
255
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,570
to make life decisions.
256
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:54,405
I mean, this morning,
you cried at a beer commercial.
257
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:58,315
Yeah, but the horse and
the puppy were best friends!
258
00:11:58,517 --> 00:11:59,779
Look,
259
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,680
having a heart attack
didn't make me realize
260
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,787
I want to have a kid,
it made me realize
261
00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:06,048
I don't want to live
another day without one.
262
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,852
- It was like a wake-up call.
- All right.
263
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,758
If you really want to do this,
I will be here to support you.
264
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,696
From my room.
265
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,131
Which, FYI, is way too drafty
to use as a nursery.
266
00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:20,100
Don't worry.
You're not going anywhere.
267
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,035
Sweet! Let's get that kid!
268
00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,170
So, who's the lucky lady
who's gonna receive your seed?
269
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,172
See, you just put
your creepy little finger
270
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,711
right on the problem.
271
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,180
I haven't exactly been
successful in love.
272
00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:37,151
It's like I'm running JavaScript
and women are running HTML5.
273
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,685
Talking like that is part
of the problem, isn't it?
274
00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:41,882
Yeah.
275
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,221
And it's weird, because
your package is perfect.
276
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:49,562
And... and by "package,"
I don't mean your package,
277
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,499
I mean your...
package.
278
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,075
Although, that is also
a showstopper.
279
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,642
Okay, I can't believe that
this is not the first time
280
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:03,076
I've said this, but stop
looking at my penis.
281
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:06,949
Well, now that
you've mentioned it,
282
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,620
I can't stop looking.
283
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,786
It's like the elephant's trunk
in the room.
284
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,390
Don't worry,
you'll find somebody.
285
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:17,960
And, you know,
it goes without saying
286
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,997
that if I could, I would
happily bear you a child.
287
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,996
Okay, I wish all of this
had gone without saying.
288
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:27,396
You doing okay?
289
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,005
Yeah, I'm good.
290
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,802
He wants to have a kid.
Now all he needs is a woman.
291
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:34,241
Would you consider
a pregnant stripper?
292
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:36,548
No.
293
00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:39,114
Well, that rules out
both my granddaughters.
294
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,925
Morning. Did you
take your pills?
295
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,321
Yep.
296
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,826
Are you lying to me
or are you lying to yourself?
297
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:57,062
They're too big.
It's hard to swallow.
298
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:00,266
If you say "that's what she said,"
I will kill you.
299
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,134
You know what she said?
300
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,536
"Take your pills.
I care about you."
301
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:05,835
Fine.
302
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,172
Do you know how long
it takes to get a baby?
303
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,372
Well, I know it takes
five months of mood swings
304
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,745
and four months of not
wanting to be touched.
305
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,520
And who knows what my ex-wife
was going through.
306
00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:18,712
I was just
researching surrogacy,
307
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,789
and they say that once
you choose a great candidate,
308
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,928
it can take up to three years
before you have a baby in your arms.
309
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:25,221
I can't wait that long.
310
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,797
I mean, who knows if I'll even
still want a kid by then?
311
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,528
Tell me about it.
312
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:32,829
Six months into Jake's life,
I was like, "Check, please!"
313
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,733
I was kidding.
314
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,931
As was I.
315
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:40,405
Okay.
316
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,638
I've narrowed down my options
to either adoption
317
00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:44,145
or seeing if Brad and Angelina
318
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:46,250
have an extra one
they could throw me.
319
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,249
Uh, you know, if you really
want to adopt...
320
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:51,389
For the last time, Alan,
I am not adopting you!
321
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:54,457
- But, Papa...
- All right.
322
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:00,591
I already reached out
to a lawyer
323
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,596
who specializes in adoption.
324
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,928
Well, you're a perfect
candidate to adopt.
325
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:07,196
I mean, you're highly educated,
you're likeable,
326
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,033
uh, you have a stable
home environment...
327
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:13,337
Financially secure,
no criminal record, handsome.
328
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:17,106
I don't... I don't think
handsome really comes into play.
329
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,614
Doesn't it, Alan?
330
00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:21,911
No, I don't think so.
331
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,087
Doesn't it?
332
00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:27,149
You're being ridiculous.
333
00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:28,883
Am I?
334
00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:33,196
I will steal you a baby.
335
00:15:36,468 --> 00:15:38,766
So, as you can see,
finances are not an issue.
336
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,199
I have a lot of extra free time,
337
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,874
and I know I can provide
a loving, nurturing home.
338
00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:46,437
You okay?
339
00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:48,579
Are you?
340
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,710
Seriously, do I need
to call someone?
341
00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:54,745
Never mind.
What's important is that
342
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,478
I will coach the hell
out of the Braves.
343
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,747
Excuse me?
344
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,720
It'll be the name of
my son's tee-ball team.
345
00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,449
Pretty Pink Ponies,
if it's a girl.
346
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,491
You know what,
if my son wants to play
347
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,254
for the Pretty Pink Ponies,
then so be it.
348
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:06,829
Tolerant.
349
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:11,770
Well, Mr. Schmidt, you are obviously
more than qualified.
350
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:12,995
Thank you.
351
00:16:13,205 --> 00:16:14,763
That said, I'd start looking
at Golden Retriever puppies,
352
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,703
'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.
353
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,536
Well, I don't understand.
354
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:20,234
You just said that
I'm more than qualified.
355
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:22,607
And you are.
But you're a single guy,
356
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,045
and the system is really geared
towards married couples.
357
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:26,717
That's racist.
358
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,314
No, it's not.
359
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:30,715
Then it's sexist.
360
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,288
Nope.
361
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,152
Well, it's some kind of "sist."
362
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,019
Look, I'm not saying
it's impossible, okay?
363
00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:38,457
Just that it's difficult.
364
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,258
You're in line behind families
that already have children,
365
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,833
- married couples, single women...
- Anyone else?
366
00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:45,526
Sweat shops? Circuses?
367
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,000
The Vienna Boys' Choir?
368
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,174
Look, I wish
I had better news, okay?
369
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,275
If you were married,
this would be a slam dunk.
370
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,308
Okay, you don't get it.
371
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:55,673
Marriage is not
an option for me.
372
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:57,610
Okay, I understand
you're frustrated...
373
00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:59,716
No, what's frustrating
is that every woman I meet
374
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:01,385
runs screaming from me!
375
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:04,021
I was married before and she left me
and I tried to commit suicide.
376
00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:06,555
Don't write that down.
Why are you writing that down?
377
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:07,726
No, no...
378
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:10,258
Then I proposed to two other women,
and they both shot me down.
379
00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,123
I am incapable of maintaining
380
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:13,821
a long-term relationship
with anybody.
381
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,523
Now, give me a frickin' baby!
382
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,162
Okay.
383
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,564
- I think we're done here.
- No, we are not done here!
384
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,899
I almost died wearing
a bedazzled jumpsuit
385
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,074
and my life needs meaning.
386
00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,140
Stop writing things down!
387
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:34,149
- Hey, how'd it go?
- What kind of world...
388
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,321
- Oh-oh.
...are we living in
389
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,184
where any two high school kids
with a broken condom
390
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,689
can screw behind
an Applebee's Dumpster,
391
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,521
have a baby,
give it up for adoption,
392
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,426
but not have it go to
an adult who is upstanding,
393
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:51,034
responsible,
and, might I add, handsome...
394
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,269
...simply because
every woman I meet
395
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:55,599
eventually grows to loathe me?
396
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,435
And because of that,
the Pretty Pink Ponies
397
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,440
will not have a tee-ball coach!
398
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:03,277
- So it didn't go well?
- No, it did not go well.
399
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,217
All right, well,
first things first.
400
00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:09,587
How about we get you a little Zin
to calm your nerves?
401
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,948
It's just not fair.
402
00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:12,384
- I know, I know.
- Thank you.
403
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:15,617
Just because I'm single,
I'm not a fit parent?
404
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,386
Did they say that to you?
405
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,821
That's how I felt.
406
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:21,830
Apparently, the whole system
407
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,797
is geared towards
married couples.
408
00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:25,560
And single guys are not welcome.
409
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,033
Like a Studio City
swingers party.
410
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,331
Exactly.
411
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:31,705
Wait, what?
412
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,969
Nothing. So, did you
tell her everything?
413
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,306
I mean, how you're successful,
you're warm, you're caring...
414
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:37,846
- I told her everything.
- Did you give her the smile?
415
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,881
Of course, I gave her the smile.
416
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,882
She thought I was
having a stroke.
417
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:43,688
So nothing worked?
418
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:45,857
No. Even if I hadn't been
escorted out by security,
419
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,288
I still don't think
they were giving me a kid.
420
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,052
Wow, I'm...
I'm really sorry.
421
00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:51,456
You know, it's ridiculous.
422
00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:54,632
Why are married people
automatically better parents?
423
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:57,233
My mom was married six
times; didn't help her.
424
00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,734
See, and I would've been
a great dad.
425
00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:02,338
I would've played catch with him,
I would've read to him,
426
00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:03,940
I would've waited
till he went to sleep
427
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,542
before I smoked pot.
428
00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:07,807
Already got my mom beat.
429
00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:10,170
But you shouldn't give up.
430
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,781
I mean, you might
still find somebody.
431
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,008
No, I don't want
to marry somebody
432
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,776
just to marry somebody.
433
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,352
It's got to be the right person.
434
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:18,045
Ooh, or Mila Kunis.
435
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,688
I get it.
That's hard to find.
436
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,486
Oh, that's my banana bread.
437
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,788
- I love your banana bread.
- I know.
438
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,659
I made it hoping
we could celebrate,
439
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,733
but it works on
a sad tummy, too.
440
00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,400
Oh, what would I do without you?
441
00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:35,334
I hope you never have
to find out.
442
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:39,811
What?
443
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,742
You are... always there for me.
444
00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:45,207
Yeah, and you're always
there for me.
445
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:46,907
We're best friends.
446
00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:51,051
What if we were
more than friends?
447
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:55,020
Like...
448
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,856
...super friends?
449
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,036
Alan Harper,
450
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:06,829
will you marry me?
451
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:19,106
Are you seriously
asking me to marry you?
452
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,351
I can't believe
this is happening.
453
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:31,323
And I always thought Alan
would be the one on his knees.
454
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:42,400
Ripped By mstoll