00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:06,068 Alan. 2 00:00:06,906 --> 00:00:08,965 Hurry up. The girls are almost here and I'm a... 3 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:14,673 Sorry, just finishing up my costume. 4 00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,984 Who the hell are you supposed to be? 5 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,816 You never saw Pretty in Pink? 6 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,720 Oh, right! You're Molly Ringwald. 7 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,093 Ah hah. I'm Duckie. 8 00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,661 You know, the best friend, the scene stealer? 9 00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:33,728 Some would say the true star of the film. 10 00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:36,967 Who played him? Boy George? 11 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:41,499 Hey, what do you think about zombie Elvis, baby? 12 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,039 And don't be cruel. 13 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:47,011 It's great. You look like both the impersonator at my wedding 14 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,578 and my ex-wife. 15 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,540 Thank you. Thank you very much. 16 00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,276 What decays in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 17 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,180 Hey, did your friend Stacy say anything 18 00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:58,414 about the girl she's bringing for me? 19 00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,388 Just that she's supposed to be really cute, 20 00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:02,083 and she just moved out here after a tough breakup. 21 00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:03,887 Ooh, hot, lonely and damaged. 22 00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:05,496 Duckie's getting lucky. 23 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,731 You know, if Duckie really wants to get lucky, 24 00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:11,460 he'll tell the girls that he's someone that people remember. 25 00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:12,899 Like Ferris Bueller. 26 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:17,374 Fine, you win again, Broderick. 27 00:01:18,144 --> 00:01:19,611 God, you know what I love about Halloween? 28 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,542 You can put "slutty" in front of any job position, 29 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,113 and it becomes a costume. 30 00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:26,914 Slutty nurse, slutty librarian, slutty lunch lady. 31 00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:32,014 Hey, you didn't know Mrs. Goobadeck from Mark Twain Elementary. 32 00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,127 She rocked that hairnet. 33 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:36,986 My chest. 34 00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,562 Seriously? What's going on? 35 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,426 I don't know. I can't breathe. My chest is tight. 36 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,601 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Here, here. Sit down. 37 00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:45,168 Um... Oh, well, don't worry. 38 00:01:45,371 --> 00:01:47,305 I'm sure this is nothing, but... 39 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:50,737 I'm going to call an ambulance, just in case. 40 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,635 Just... Just stay calm. You're gonna be fine. 41 00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,280 Help! My friend is dying! 42 00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,407 I can't settle down. I think he's having a heart attack. 43 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,586 Oh, my God, I'm having a heart attack. 44 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,620 No, no. I'm just saying that to get them to hurry. 45 00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,518 I'm not just saying that. I think he's headed toward the light. 46 00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:08,091 I can't feel my left arm. 47 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,522 You're gonna be okay. 48 00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:11,822 It's probably just gas. Try to fart! 49 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,596 - Trick... - Or treat. 50 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,066 Oh, ladies. I'm sorry, you just got here during a bit of a... 51 00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:19,795 Ooh, I can see your nipples, Officer. 52 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,976 Anything you see will be held against you. 53 00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:28,477 - And I'm Harry Potter. - But I'm not so hairy. 54 00:02:29,048 --> 00:02:30,811 She's mine. 55 00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:37,154 Didn't work! 56 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:46,400 Ripped By mstoll 57 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,303 Don't worry, we're almost to the hospital. 58 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,096 Sir, are you taking any medications? 59 00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:56,002 Well, I take a generic Lipitor and a women's multi-vitamin. 60 00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:58,744 I mean, just so you know, I take the women's 61 00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,105 'cause it has more iron. 62 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,841 Same price, more iron. Yes, please. 63 00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:07,416 - Is he gonna be okay? - We're doing all we can, sir. 64 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,053 I can't believe this is happening, you know? 65 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:12,019 He's so young! He leads such a healthy lifestyle... 66 00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,624 Well, except for all the pot. 67 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,187 You know, the weed. The... The ganja. 68 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:21,023 The ol' Mexican spinach. 69 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:25,464 Alan, if I live, I'm going to kill you. 70 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,799 Stop it. You are gonna live. 71 00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,142 Is he gonna live? 72 00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,402 We're en route with a 35-year-old male. 73 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:35,308 BP is 160/94, pulse is 108. 74 00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,244 And he's dressed as zombie Elvis, over! 75 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:41,146 I don't know if you guys need to know that. 76 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,321 They don't. 77 00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:47,319 - By the way, I'm dressed as... - Ferris Bueller? 78 00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,922 Hey, hey, at least I took a chance with my costume. 79 00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:54,998 I mean, Elvis and zombies. It's real original. 80 00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:56,998 Next year, it's vampire Obama. 81 00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,137 "Yes, we can!" 82 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,832 Excuse me, do you have anything for the pain? 83 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,408 In my ass? 84 00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:06,772 I know, I know. 85 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,107 I'm just... I'm freaking out because I'm worried. 86 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:10,577 I mean, you are my best friend. 87 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:12,307 And if something were to happen to you, 88 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:13,678 I don't know what I would do. 89 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:17,049 I mean, I've already lost a brother. I can't lose you, too! 90 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,656 And you're more of a brother than he was. 91 00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:20,917 And now Jake's in the Army, and I'm all alone. 92 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:23,493 - And I don't do well when I'm... - Here, breathe. 93 00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,100 Thank you. 94 00:04:29,869 --> 00:04:33,236 Am I crazy, or is, something happening here? 95 00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:45,076 Good, you made it. 96 00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:47,513 I'm sorry I pulled you out of your Halloween party, 97 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,984 - I just figured you'd want to... - I wasn't at a Halloween party. 98 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:53,483 I just assumed, since you're dressed... 99 00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:54,819 So what happened? 100 00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,622 I don't know. We were about to go out, 101 00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:59,957 and he got chest pains and suddenly collapsed. 102 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,724 Oh, wow. 103 00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,561 He's so young. 104 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:04,896 So fit. 105 00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:07,072 So not you. 106 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,372 Hope he's okay. 107 00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:15,307 I never thought I'd have a boss better than your brother, 108 00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,346 but Walden is good people. 109 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,142 He's the best. 110 00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:22,344 The guy has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. 111 00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,284 Yep, a heart of gold. 112 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,981 Clogged with arterial plaque. 113 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:30,253 You've been a good friend to Walden. He's lucky to have you. 114 00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:32,693 He's lucky to have you, too, Sister Berta. 115 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:35,832 And, listen, 116 00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:39,836 if, God forbid, the worst happens, 117 00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,939 I just want you to know that 118 00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,006 you'll always have a job at the house. 119 00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:47,775 I mean, we'd have to talk reduced salaries, but... 120 00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,175 What makes you think he'd leave you the house? 121 00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:51,577 I'm his best friend. 122 00:05:51,784 --> 00:05:53,411 There's nobody closer to him than me. 123 00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:56,554 - I clean his underwear. - I wear his underwear. 124 00:05:58,157 --> 00:05:59,624 Alan Harper? 125 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:01,453 Oh-oh, that's me. 126 00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,128 I'm Dr. Prajneep. 127 00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:04,956 Your friend had a mild heart attack. 128 00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:06,722 We put in a stent to clear the blockage. 129 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,800 - Is that bad? - In general, a heart attack is bad. 130 00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,862 But he should make a full recovery. 131 00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:14,061 Oh, thank God. 132 00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:15,399 That is a huge relief. 133 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:17,298 Is there anything we should do at home? 134 00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,978 I just want to make sure he has all the care he needs. 135 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,304 Any special diet, exercises, medications? 136 00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:23,607 If it'd help, 137 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,182 I'd chew up his food and feed him like a baby bird. 138 00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:29,477 How could that possibly help? 139 00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:31,816 I'll tell you what doesn't help. That tone. 140 00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:33,616 Can we see him? 141 00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:36,260 Soon as he's in recovery. Any other questions? 142 00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:37,996 No, we're just happy that he's gonna be okay. 143 00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,222 - Thank you. - My pleasure. 144 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,298 By the way, Ferris Bueller is my favorite movie. 145 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,071 Wait, Berta. Where are you going? 146 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:48,467 We're not supposed to go back there yet. 147 00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:52,110 I'm a nun at a hospital. I can do whatever the hell I want. 148 00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:01,619 I'm dead. 149 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,793 And I'm in hell. 150 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:10,253 Relax. 151 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:11,589 You're in the hospital. 152 00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:13,993 You had a mild heart attack, but you're gonna be fine. 153 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:15,724 I don't feel very good. 154 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,960 That's because they put a stent in your heart. 155 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,366 But also I feel really good. 156 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:23,667 That's because they put morphine in your veins. 157 00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,405 We should start keeping morphine in the house. 158 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,137 I know a guy. 159 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:33,046 Berta, you're so funny. 160 00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,722 I would've missed you so much if I would've died. 161 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,857 But you don't have to worry about that. 162 00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,549 - You're not going anywhere. - I love you guys. 163 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:42,853 We love you, too. 164 00:07:43,062 --> 00:07:45,030 You know, when I think about it, 165 00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,699 you guys are my only real family. 166 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,800 Oh, Walden, that's so... 167 00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,230 Horrible. 168 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,564 Okay. 169 00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:55,468 Saved your life, but whatever. 170 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,767 My life is pathetic. 171 00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:01,110 I mean, thank you guys so much for being here. 172 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,942 But you're not good enough! 173 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,914 Okay, now it sounds like my family. 174 00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,278 Maybe you should rest. 175 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,013 You know, just go to your happy place. 176 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,555 I know a shortcut. 177 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:17,388 - Say when. - Whe... 178 00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:20,566 Dressed as a nun, giving some guy morphine. 179 00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:23,633 Boy, does this take me back to high school. 180 00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:31,868 Hey, how you feeling? 181 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:34,103 - I'm all right. - Well... 182 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,012 I know something that'll make you feel better. 183 00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:39,480 I made some of my famous three bean salad. 184 00:08:40,419 --> 00:08:41,681 The secret... 185 00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,947 I use four beans. 186 00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,550 Garbanzo. 187 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,022 Shh. 188 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:51,622 You ever look out at the ocean 189 00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,890 and think about how small and insignificant you are? 190 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,761 I don't need the ocean; I can just call my mother. 191 00:08:57,403 --> 00:08:58,802 I almost died, Alan. 192 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,472 But the important thing is you didn't. 193 00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:02,573 So, now you just have to listen to your doctors, 194 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:04,743 don't stress about anything and relax. 195 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:08,943 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 196 00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,080 Sorry. 197 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,254 That was supposed to scare the life out of trick-or-treaters, 198 00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:16,478 not you. 199 00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:19,886 This sucks! How am I the one with a stent in my heart? 200 00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:21,650 I'm healthy, I'm fit. 201 00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,488 You sit in front of the TV every night, 202 00:09:23,696 --> 00:09:25,630 shoveling a pint of ice cream down your throat. 203 00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:27,162 Hey, I eat my feelings, 204 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,493 and you are sending me right back to the freezer. 205 00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:30,828 You know, it just goes to show, 206 00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:32,664 your life can end in the blink of an eye. 207 00:09:32,872 --> 00:09:34,499 One day you're here, the next day you're gone. 208 00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:36,004 That's why I live by the philosophy 209 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,972 "One day I'm here, the next day I'm still here." 210 00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:43,010 You know, if I would have died, who would have missed me? 211 00:09:43,215 --> 00:09:45,740 What are you talking about? I would, Berta would. 212 00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,318 And you just got an e-mail from Netflix the other day 213 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,580 that literally said, "We miss you." 214 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:55,852 You know, other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody. 215 00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,529 At least you got Jake. 216 00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,698 Well, that's true. 217 00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,833 I'll always have my little guy. 218 00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,661 Although, in his last e-mail, 219 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:07,202 he asked me when the Fourth of July was this year. 220 00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:11,774 But, yes, I'm very lucky. 221 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:15,209 Do you know how much I would give to have a kid 222 00:10:15,414 --> 00:10:18,247 who didn't understand the concept of a calendar? 223 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,547 - All I have is money. - Yeah. 224 00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:26,247 'Cause I wouldn't give up Jake for a billion dollars. 225 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:31,896 - I got to make some changes. - Changes are good. 226 00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:33,565 You know, I remember when I switched 227 00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:35,631 from American Idol to The Voice. 228 00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:39,431 My life turned around like Blake Shelton's chair. 229 00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:44,301 You know what? I want to have a kid of my own. 230 00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:45,899 What? 231 00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,410 Yeah, I want something to give my life meaning. 232 00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:50,980 I want somebody I can love unconditionally. 233 00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:52,707 Someone I can teach, someone I can nurture, 234 00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,352 someone I can leave all this to. 235 00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:56,578 Well... 236 00:10:56,789 --> 00:10:58,222 I mean, I don't know what to say, except... 237 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:01,418 Papa? 238 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,256 Have you thought this through? 239 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:10,935 Having a kid is a lot of work. 240 00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,764 Having you is a lot of work. 241 00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:16,537 You know, having a child would give my life meaning. 242 00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:17,834 Otherwise, all this has been for nothing, 243 00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,604 - and that's difficult to accept. - You know what's difficult? 244 00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:22,678 Removing a marble your kid shoved up his nose. 245 00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:25,879 I did something like that. I jammed a penny up there. 246 00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:27,916 I was trying to get a gumball to fall out of my butt. 247 00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:31,883 But a kid is permanent. It's not like you're dating. 248 00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:34,184 You can't just stop calling or change your number 249 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,258 or fake your own death because they annoy you. 250 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:39,729 - You do that to women? - No, they do it to me. 251 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,692 Look, I'm sorry if it feels like I'm being negative, 252 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:46,269 because the truth is, you know, kids are amazing. 253 00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:48,497 But you just had this big health scare, 254 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,175 and you're probably not in the best frame of mind 255 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,570 to make life decisions. 256 00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:54,405 I mean, this morning, you cried at a beer commercial. 257 00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:58,315 Yeah, but the horse and the puppy were best friends! 258 00:11:58,517 --> 00:11:59,779 Look, 259 00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,680 having a heart attack didn't make me realize 260 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,787 I want to have a kid, it made me realize 261 00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:06,048 I don't want to live another day without one. 262 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,852 - It was like a wake-up call. - All right. 263 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,758 If you really want to do this, I will be here to support you. 264 00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:14,696 From my room. 265 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,131 Which, FYI, is way too drafty to use as a nursery. 266 00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:20,100 Don't worry. You're not going anywhere. 267 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,035 Sweet! Let's get that kid! 268 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,170 So, who's the lucky lady who's gonna receive your seed? 269 00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,172 See, you just put your creepy little finger 270 00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:29,711 right on the problem. 271 00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,180 I haven't exactly been successful in love. 272 00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:37,151 It's like I'm running JavaScript and women are running HTML5. 273 00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,685 Talking like that is part of the problem, isn't it? 274 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:41,882 Yeah. 275 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,221 And it's weird, because your package is perfect. 276 00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:49,562 And... and by "package," I don't mean your package, 277 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,499 I mean your... package. 278 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,075 Although, that is also a showstopper. 279 00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,642 Okay, I can't believe that this is not the first time 280 00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:03,076 I've said this, but stop looking at my penis. 281 00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:06,949 Well, now that you've mentioned it, 282 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,620 I can't stop looking. 283 00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,786 It's like the elephant's trunk in the room. 284 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,390 Don't worry, you'll find somebody. 285 00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:17,960 And, you know, it goes without saying 286 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,997 that if I could, I would happily bear you a child. 287 00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,996 Okay, I wish all of this had gone without saying. 288 00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:27,396 You doing okay? 289 00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,005 Yeah, I'm good. 290 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,802 He wants to have a kid. Now all he needs is a woman. 291 00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:34,241 Would you consider a pregnant stripper? 292 00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:36,548 No. 293 00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:39,114 Well, that rules out both my granddaughters. 294 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,925 Morning. Did you take your pills? 295 00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,321 Yep. 296 00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,826 Are you lying to me or are you lying to yourself? 297 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:57,062 They're too big. It's hard to swallow. 298 00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:00,266 If you say "that's what she said," I will kill you. 299 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,134 You know what she said? 300 00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:04,536 "Take your pills. I care about you." 301 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:05,835 Fine. 302 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,172 Do you know how long it takes to get a baby? 303 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,372 Well, I know it takes five months of mood swings 304 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,745 and four months of not wanting to be touched. 305 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,520 And who knows what my ex-wife was going through. 306 00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:18,712 I was just researching surrogacy, 307 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,789 and they say that once you choose a great candidate, 308 00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,928 it can take up to three years before you have a baby in your arms. 309 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:25,221 I can't wait that long. 310 00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:27,797 I mean, who knows if I'll even still want a kid by then? 311 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,528 Tell me about it. 312 00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:32,829 Six months into Jake's life, I was like, "Check, please!" 313 00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,733 I was kidding. 314 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,931 As was I. 315 00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:40,405 Okay. 316 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,638 I've narrowed down my options to either adoption 317 00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:44,145 or seeing if Brad and Angelina 318 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:46,250 have an extra one they could throw me. 319 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,249 Uh, you know, if you really want to adopt... 320 00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:51,389 For the last time, Alan, I am not adopting you! 321 00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:54,457 - But, Papa... - All right. 322 00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:00,591 I already reached out to a lawyer 323 00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,596 who specializes in adoption. 324 00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,928 Well, you're a perfect candidate to adopt. 325 00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:07,196 I mean, you're highly educated, you're likeable, 326 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,033 uh, you have a stable home environment... 327 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:13,337 Financially secure, no criminal record, handsome. 328 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:17,106 I don't... I don't think handsome really comes into play. 329 00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,614 Doesn't it, Alan? 330 00:15:19,818 --> 00:15:21,911 No, I don't think so. 331 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,087 Doesn't it? 332 00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:27,149 You're being ridiculous. 333 00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:28,883 Am I? 334 00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:33,196 I will steal you a baby. 335 00:15:36,468 --> 00:15:38,766 So, as you can see, finances are not an issue. 336 00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,199 I have a lot of extra free time, 337 00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,874 and I know I can provide a loving, nurturing home. 338 00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:46,437 You okay? 339 00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:48,579 Are you? 340 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,710 Seriously, do I need to call someone? 341 00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:54,745 Never mind. What's important is that 342 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,478 I will coach the hell out of the Braves. 343 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,747 Excuse me? 344 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,720 It'll be the name of my son's tee-ball team. 345 00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,449 Pretty Pink Ponies, if it's a girl. 346 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,491 You know what, if my son wants to play 347 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,254 for the Pretty Pink Ponies, then so be it. 348 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:06,829 Tolerant. 349 00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:11,770 Well, Mr. Schmidt, you are obviously more than qualified. 350 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:12,995 Thank you. 351 00:16:13,205 --> 00:16:14,763 That said, I'd start looking at Golden Retriever puppies, 352 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,703 'cause there's no way you're getting a baby. 353 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,536 Well, I don't understand. 354 00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:20,234 You just said that I'm more than qualified. 355 00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:22,607 And you are. But you're a single guy, 356 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,045 and the system is really geared towards married couples. 357 00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:26,717 That's racist. 358 00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,314 No, it's not. 359 00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:30,715 Then it's sexist. 360 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,288 Nope. 361 00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,152 Well, it's some kind of "sist." 362 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,019 Look, I'm not saying it's impossible, okay? 363 00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:38,457 Just that it's difficult. 364 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,258 You're in line behind families that already have children, 365 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,833 - married couples, single women... - Anyone else? 366 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:45,526 Sweat shops? Circuses? 367 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,000 The Vienna Boys' Choir? 368 00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,174 Look, I wish I had better news, okay? 369 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,275 If you were married, this would be a slam dunk. 370 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,308 Okay, you don't get it. 371 00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:55,673 Marriage is not an option for me. 372 00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:57,610 Okay, I understand you're frustrated... 373 00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:59,716 No, what's frustrating is that every woman I meet 374 00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:01,385 runs screaming from me! 375 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:04,021 I was married before and she left me and I tried to commit suicide. 376 00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:06,555 Don't write that down. Why are you writing that down? 377 00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:07,726 No, no... 378 00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:10,258 Then I proposed to two other women, and they both shot me down. 379 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,123 I am incapable of maintaining 380 00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:13,821 a long-term relationship with anybody. 381 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,523 Now, give me a frickin' baby! 382 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,162 Okay. 383 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,564 - I think we're done here. - No, we are not done here! 384 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,899 I almost died wearing a bedazzled jumpsuit 385 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,074 and my life needs meaning. 386 00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:25,140 Stop writing things down! 387 00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:34,149 - Hey, how'd it go? - What kind of world... 388 00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,321 - Oh-oh. ...are we living in 389 00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,184 where any two high school kids with a broken condom 390 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,689 can screw behind an Applebee's Dumpster, 391 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,521 have a baby, give it up for adoption, 392 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,426 but not have it go to an adult who is upstanding, 393 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:51,034 responsible, and, might I add, handsome... 394 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,269 ...simply because every woman I meet 395 00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:55,599 eventually grows to loathe me? 396 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,435 And because of that, the Pretty Pink Ponies 397 00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,440 will not have a tee-ball coach! 398 00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:03,277 - So it didn't go well? - No, it did not go well. 399 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,217 All right, well, first things first. 400 00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:09,587 How about we get you a little Zin to calm your nerves? 401 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,948 It's just not fair. 402 00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:12,384 - I know, I know. - Thank you. 403 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:15,617 Just because I'm single, I'm not a fit parent? 404 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,386 Did they say that to you? 405 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,821 That's how I felt. 406 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:21,830 Apparently, the whole system 407 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,797 is geared towards married couples. 408 00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:25,560 And single guys are not welcome. 409 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,033 Like a Studio City swingers party. 410 00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,331 Exactly. 411 00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:31,705 Wait, what? 412 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,969 Nothing. So, did you tell her everything? 413 00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,306 I mean, how you're successful, you're warm, you're caring... 414 00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:37,846 - I told her everything. - Did you give her the smile? 415 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,881 Of course, I gave her the smile. 416 00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,882 She thought I was having a stroke. 417 00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:43,688 So nothing worked? 418 00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:45,857 No. Even if I hadn't been escorted out by security, 419 00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,288 I still don't think they were giving me a kid. 420 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,052 Wow, I'm... I'm really sorry. 421 00:18:50,262 --> 00:18:51,456 You know, it's ridiculous. 422 00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:54,632 Why are married people automatically better parents? 423 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:57,233 My mom was married six times; didn't help her. 424 00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,734 See, and I would've been a great dad. 425 00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:02,338 I would've played catch with him, I would've read to him, 426 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:03,940 I would've waited till he went to sleep 427 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,542 before I smoked pot. 428 00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:07,807 Already got my mom beat. 429 00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:10,170 But you shouldn't give up. 430 00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,781 I mean, you might still find somebody. 431 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,008 No, I don't want to marry somebody 432 00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,776 just to marry somebody. 433 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,352 It's got to be the right person. 434 00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:18,045 Ooh, or Mila Kunis. 435 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,688 I get it. That's hard to find. 436 00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,486 Oh, that's my banana bread. 437 00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,788 - I love your banana bread. - I know. 438 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,659 I made it hoping we could celebrate, 439 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,733 but it works on a sad tummy, too. 440 00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,400 Oh, what would I do without you? 441 00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:35,334 I hope you never have to find out. 442 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:39,811 What? 443 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,742 You are... always there for me. 444 00:19:43,615 --> 00:19:45,207 Yeah, and you're always there for me. 445 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:46,907 We're best friends. 446 00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:51,051 What if we were more than friends? 447 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:55,020 Like... 448 00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,856 ...super friends? 449 00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,036 Alan Harper, 450 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:06,829 will you marry me? 451 00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:19,106 Are you seriously asking me to marry you? 452 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,351 I can't believe this is happening. 453 00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:31,323 And I always thought Alan would be the one on his knees. 454 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:42,400 Ripped By mstoll