00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:06,123 --> 00:00:08,284 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 2 00:00:08,392 --> 00:00:12,328 ♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,330 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:19,630 ♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪ 5 00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:25,008 ♪ Oh, boy it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:28,441 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [Grunts] 7 00:00:30,147 --> 00:00:33,116 [Chorus] * Good morning, U.S.A. * 8 00:00:36,019 --> 00:00:39,455 [Man Announcing] Live from C.I.A. Headquarters in beautiful Langley, Virginia... 9 00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:42,582 it's the first ever C.I.A. Telethon! 10 00:00:42,693 --> 00:00:46,527 With your host Agent Stan Smith! 11 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,598 Thank you! Good evening, everybody! 12 00:00:48,699 --> 00:00:53,227 How about a hand for our band? Midget Assassin and the This Doesn't Concern You Orchestra! 13 00:00:53,337 --> 00:00:54,804 [Audience Applauding] 14 00:00:54,905 --> 00:00:57,897 - Man, that is some sport coat! - Oh, you like it? 15 00:00:58,008 --> 00:01:01,944 No, it's great. I just didn't realize your latest assignment was to kill fashion. 16 00:01:02,045 --> 00:01:04,013 - [Rim Shot] - [Audience Laughing] 17 00:01:04,114 --> 00:01:06,674 Folks, it's an honor for me to be working in this studio. 18 00:01:06,783 --> 00:01:10,810 This is the very soundstage where we faked the moon landing. 19 00:01:10,921 --> 00:01:13,788 And theJ FK assassination. 20 00:01:13,890 --> 00:01:16,825 No, I'm sorry. This is where we planned theJ FK assassination. 21 00:01:16,927 --> 00:01:20,795 [Laughing] 22 00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:25,300 So a lot of people think that C.I.A. Stands for Central Intelligence Agency. 23 00:01:25,402 --> 00:01:28,701 Not true, folks. Fact is, C.I.A. Actually stands for... 24 00:01:28,805 --> 00:01:33,367 Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia. 25 00:01:33,477 --> 00:01:36,378 - [Murmurings] - That's not what we wrote! 26 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,506 We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy. 27 00:01:39,616 --> 00:01:42,210 - Balls! - [Chuckles] 28 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:44,287 Maybe we're working too hard. 29 00:01:44,388 --> 00:01:49,291 Uh, anyway, you're in for quite a show over the next 12 hours, so give generously. 30 00:01:49,393 --> 00:01:53,796 Let's kick things off with our very own Langley Falls anchor partners Greg and Terry... 31 00:01:53,897 --> 00:01:57,663 reenacting the volleyball scene from their favorite movie, Top Gun. 32 00:01:57,768 --> 00:01:59,895 [Applause] 33 00:02:00,003 --> 00:02:02,665 * [Rock] 34 00:02:02,773 --> 00:02:05,765 [Man] * Movin'in slow motion * 35 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,844 * It feels so good * 36 00:02:08,945 --> 00:02:11,573 * It's a strange anticipation * 37 00:02:11,682 --> 00:02:14,583 * Knock, knock knockin'on wood * 38 00:02:16,119 --> 00:02:20,215 * Funny but it's always the same * 39 00:02:20,324 --> 00:02:23,191 * Playing Playing with the boys * 40 00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:25,989 Francine, you must be so proud of your husband. 41 00:02:26,096 --> 00:02:28,394 This whole telethon was his idea. 42 00:02:35,038 --> 00:02:37,165 Now, I need a moment with my writers. 43 00:02:38,942 --> 00:02:41,843 - What the hell was that genitals joke? - That's not what we wrote. 44 00:02:41,945 --> 00:02:46,575 You were supposed to say, "C.I.A. Stands for Central Insanity Agency." 45 00:02:46,683 --> 00:02:50,517 [Chuckles] That's good. That's good. But that's not what was on the teleprompter! 46 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:52,588 Well, someone must have messed with it. 47 00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:56,216 I'm gonna go double-check the copy for the "Taliban, Taliban, Tally Me Banana" sketch. 48 00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:58,556 You really think someone messed with the teleprompter? 49 00:02:58,662 --> 00:03:00,926 I mean, who would want to sabotage the telethon? 50 00:03:01,031 --> 00:03:04,797 Sabotage? Oh, no! 51 00:03:07,671 --> 00:03:11,732 Did you hear? We just captured a new terrorist! Time to torture! 52 00:03:11,842 --> 00:03:14,106 - Oh, yeah! - Yea! I get to strap him to the waterboard! 53 00:03:14,211 --> 00:03:18,910 - I call the car battery! - I want to slather him in oil and make love to him all night long! 54 00:03:19,015 --> 00:03:22,314 Oh, no. I'm on the phone. Yeah, I'm still here, Mom. 55 00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,944 Stop! We can't torture anyone! 56 00:03:25,055 --> 00:03:27,387 - What's he talking about? We always torture. - We can't afford it. 57 00:03:27,491 --> 00:03:31,791 I was just on Capitol Hill. The Democrats have completely cut our torture budget. 58 00:03:31,895 --> 00:03:35,797 - [All Gasp] - They're using the money to teach inner-city kids... 59 00:03:35,899 --> 00:03:38,060 to read. [Sobbing] 60 00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:40,068 [Chattering] 61 00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:42,070 [Screams] 62 00:03:42,172 --> 00:03:46,108 We'll just have to raise a million dollars and fund the torture program ourselves. 63 00:03:46,209 --> 00:03:48,177 Luckily, I have a plan. 64 00:03:48,278 --> 00:03:51,714 We have the biggest keg party this town's ever seen. 65 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:56,479 We charge five- no, seven dollars a cup. Girls drink free. 66 00:03:56,586 --> 00:03:58,816 Uh, sir, I don't think that's gonna work. 67 00:03:58,922 --> 00:04:02,358 I don't hear you suggesting how to get girls to our party. 68 00:04:04,961 --> 00:04:07,555 How hard can it be to come up with a million dollars? 69 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,632 What if I invent something? 70 00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:12,793 Paper clips, paper clips- 71 00:04:12,903 --> 00:04:17,135 Piper claps- Popper clops! Clops that pop your cloppers! 72 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,367 I think torture is barbaric and inhumane! 73 00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,569 I can't believe you're actually trying to save it! 74 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,010 Why not? You tried to save Veronica Mars. 75 00:04:24,114 --> 00:04:27,083 We get it. Girl detectives are bitchier than regular detectives. 76 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,152 Fart! Not into it. 77 00:04:29,252 --> 00:04:32,187 You know what show I tried to save? The Ghost Whisperer. 78 00:04:32,289 --> 00:04:35,019 - It's still on. - Really? 79 00:04:35,125 --> 00:04:38,060 That's it! I've got the idea! Dark bulbs! 80 00:04:38,161 --> 00:04:40,220 You know, for when it's too bright out. 81 00:04:40,330 --> 00:04:42,491 [All Laughing] 82 00:04:42,599 --> 00:04:44,567 What? It's a great idea! 83 00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:48,069 Stan, it's okay. So you're not an idea guy. 84 00:04:48,171 --> 00:04:50,901 Yes, I am! Remember when I invented that machine? 85 00:04:51,007 --> 00:04:54,135 Stan, that wasn't a machine. That was a hat. 86 00:04:54,244 --> 00:04:57,304 I am an idea man, and I'll prove it to you all. 87 00:04:57,414 --> 00:05:00,713 I just need to get away from all this negativity so I can concentrate. 88 00:05:01,818 --> 00:05:04,378 Sweet'N High. 89 00:05:04,488 --> 00:05:06,547 Wheat Thicks. 90 00:05:06,656 --> 00:05:09,489 - Southern Discomfort. - Good, you're here. 91 00:05:09,593 --> 00:05:12,790 You can either take your socks off now, or I can knock 'em off for ya. 92 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,864 - What are you talking about? - * [Band Fanfare] 93 00:05:14,965 --> 00:05:17,934 Live from C.I.A. Headquarters in Langley, Virginia... 94 00:05:18,034 --> 00:05:22,027 it's the first annual C.I.A. Telethon! 95 00:05:22,138 --> 00:05:24,402 [Imitates Crowd Cheering] 96 00:05:24,508 --> 00:05:27,841 A telethon? No one wants to run 26 miles! 97 00:05:27,944 --> 00:05:30,003 Not a marathon, a telethon! 98 00:05:30,113 --> 00:05:32,638 It's the perfect way for you to raise the money you need! 99 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,740 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 100 00:05:34,851 --> 00:05:39,345 - That's whatJerry Lewis said right before he stole my idea. - You knew Jerry Lewis? 101 00:05:39,456 --> 00:05:43,324 Yeah. Back in the '50s I was his tailor. I shortened his pants. Made him a star. 102 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,623 One day I said to him, "Jer"- I called him Jer, but not to his face. 103 00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:50,496 I said, "Jerry, how about you do a long, televised plea for money?" 104 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,230 Course he did it, and he said it was all his idea. Made me look like a total liar. 105 00:05:55,338 --> 00:05:58,705 The only one who believed me was Dean Martin. Good old Dino. 106 00:05:58,808 --> 00:06:03,438 What a sweetheart. Talented, talented greaseball- from Ohio! 107 00:06:03,547 --> 00:06:06,277 Thanks, Roger. But I don't need your stupid telethon idea. 108 00:06:06,383 --> 00:06:08,851 I have all night to come up with something. 109 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:12,319 Hamburger... Hinderer. 110 00:06:14,658 --> 00:06:18,492 Guess what, everybody. Bullock loved my telethon idea! 111 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:21,723 - What? - A telethon? Wow, that is a good idea! 112 00:06:21,831 --> 00:06:23,822 - Way to go, Dad! - Wunderbar! 113 00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:26,630 - Wait a minute. Your idea? - You should have seen it. 114 00:06:26,736 --> 00:06:29,432 They were taking away all our torture stuff. Everybody's freaking out. 115 00:06:29,539 --> 00:06:34,135 And then, like a bolt of lightning, it came to me- telethon! 116 00:06:34,244 --> 00:06:38,146 I'm so proud of you, honey! How did you ever think of a telethon? 117 00:06:38,248 --> 00:06:41,012 - He didn't! It was my idea! - Yours? 118 00:06:41,117 --> 00:06:44,518 Yeah. Remember, Stan? We were in the living room, and I said "telethon"! 119 00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:48,318 - Stan, is that true? - Oh, I remember now. 120 00:06:48,425 --> 00:06:52,156 - Thank you! - Yeah. You said "marathon," and that's what got me to telethon. 121 00:06:52,262 --> 00:06:55,060 - Oh, marathon. - That's why Roger got confused. 122 00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,133 Oh! A marathon's a terrible idea. 123 00:06:57,233 --> 00:07:00,134 No, no, no! The telethon was my idea! 124 00:07:00,236 --> 00:07:03,000 Stan, tell 'em the truth, or they're gonna think I'm a liar! 125 00:07:03,106 --> 00:07:05,131 That spaceship sailed a long time ago! 126 00:07:05,241 --> 00:07:07,209 [All Laughing] 127 00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:10,211 - Get it? Because he's an alien! - Or so he claims. 128 00:07:10,313 --> 00:07:15,512 - [All Laughing] - He's simply not credible, and I am apparently. 129 00:07:15,619 --> 00:07:19,749 I letJerry Lewis live. I think we all agree that was a mistake. 130 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,120 But I'm not gonna be branded a liar again! 131 00:07:22,225 --> 00:07:27,993 Mark my words. This time, I will be avenged! 132 00:07:29,799 --> 00:07:33,098 Please call me when dinner is ready! 133 00:07:35,171 --> 00:07:37,264 Of course. It's Roger! 134 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:41,208 He's trying to ruin the telethon because I didn't call him when dinner was ready! 135 00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:43,211 * [Band Fanfare] 136 00:07:43,313 --> 00:07:45,213 [Phones Ringing] 137 00:07:45,315 --> 00:07:47,442 Klaus, did that teleprompter mishap hurt us? 138 00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:51,008 Well, the donations slowed down a little, but things are starting to pick up again. 139 00:07:51,121 --> 00:07:56,024 Good. We can still meet our goal. I just have to make sure nothing else goes wrong. 140 00:07:56,126 --> 00:07:59,584 So anyway, what happened after you slathered him in oil? Did he like that? 141 00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:01,823 Hey, everyone! Look who just wandered in... 142 00:08:01,931 --> 00:08:04,525 from their tree house in the Appalachian wilderness. 143 00:08:04,634 --> 00:08:09,162 - It's the amazing Buckle and Sherry! - * [Band Fanfare] 144 00:08:09,272 --> 00:08:13,538 Honey, I've been meaning to ask you for a... separation! 145 00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,702 Like you could survive five minutes without me! 146 00:08:15,812 --> 00:08:18,610 What kind of man puts his wife in a box and cuts her up? 147 00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:21,946 I'm just trying to create a sense of wonder! 148 00:08:22,052 --> 00:08:24,646 You know what I wonder? Why I didn't listen to my mother! 149 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,450 "Don't marry a mountain-man magician." That's what she said. 150 00:08:27,557 --> 00:08:31,926 I joined a synagogue for you! Just do the trick! 151 00:08:32,028 --> 00:08:35,191 Oh, you want to do a trick? Here's a trick. Put a baby in me! 152 00:08:35,298 --> 00:08:38,563 - Sherry and Buckle! - It's Sharri! 153 00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:43,162 You know, folks, we're having a lot of fun tonight. But let's remember why we're all here. 154 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,731 - This is a terrorist! - [All Gasp] 155 00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:50,279 They call him the Common Garden Snake of Rumallah! 156 00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:54,373 - [Man Clears Throat] - It sounds much scarier in Arabic. 157 00:08:54,484 --> 00:08:57,544 Snake, do you have information vital to this nation's security? 158 00:08:57,654 --> 00:08:59,622 I do, Stan, yes, very much. 159 00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:02,157 And will you share that information with us willingly? 160 00:09:02,258 --> 00:09:04,283 Willingly? [Chuckles] No! 161 00:09:04,394 --> 00:09:07,989 This is why we need to fund the C.I.A. Torture program. 162 00:09:08,098 --> 00:09:11,261 We have just over nine hours to raise the one million dollars... 163 00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:14,928 or those repo men will take away our torture equipment forever. 164 00:09:15,038 --> 00:09:16,972 Operators are standing by. 165 00:09:17,073 --> 00:09:19,337 And now, black music! 166 00:09:19,442 --> 00:09:21,410 [Cheering, Applause] 167 00:09:21,511 --> 00:09:23,979 * [Disco: Man Singing, Indistinct] 168 00:09:26,516 --> 00:09:30,646 I'm so proud of you, Stan. I really underestimated you. 169 00:09:30,754 --> 00:09:33,018 I'm a man of action. A man of ideas. 170 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:42,161 [Roger's Voice] "Dear Stan. Admit you're the liar, or my reign of terror will continue. 171 00:09:42,265 --> 00:09:46,099 "Signed, the Phantom of the Telethon- Roger. 172 00:09:46,202 --> 00:09:49,501 "P. S: When you give me credit, refer to me as Roger. 173 00:09:49,606 --> 00:09:51,801 "Thanks. The Phantom- 174 00:09:51,908 --> 00:09:53,808 Roger. " 175 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:01,848 So, down the gauntlet has been laid. 176 00:10:01,951 --> 00:10:04,647 Lain? Laid. 177 00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,881 Delivery for the Phantom of the Telethon. 178 00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:10,482 Oh, my God! My pipe organ! Yea! 179 00:10:10,593 --> 00:10:13,824 This is what I'm supposed to play maniacally down in the catacombs? 180 00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:16,763 Oh! What'd you think you were gettin' for 39.95? 181 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,834 No, no! This is totally unaccept- 182 00:10:18,935 --> 00:10:20,903 - * [Disco Beat] - Ohh! 183 00:10:21,004 --> 00:10:23,404 ♪ [Classical] 184 00:10:23,506 --> 00:10:25,474 Yeah, I can work with this. 185 00:10:26,776 --> 00:10:28,744 * [Band Fanfare] 186 00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:31,211 [Cheering] 187 00:10:32,447 --> 00:10:34,574 Welcome back to the C.I.A. Telethon. 188 00:10:34,683 --> 00:10:38,813 Folks, we still have a long way to go to reach our goal, so we need your pledges. 189 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,888 Smile and look to camera "B." 190 00:10:40,989 --> 00:10:45,187 You know, sometimes torture doesn't go quite the way you planned. Let's watch. 191 00:10:45,293 --> 00:10:48,319 - [Film Projector Whirring] - * [Lighthearted] 192 00:10:50,332 --> 00:10:52,664 - [Laughing] - [Laughter] 193 00:10:55,537 --> 00:10:57,664 - [Laughing] - [Laughter] 194 00:10:58,773 --> 00:11:00,741 - [Groans] - [Laughing] - [Laughter] 195 00:11:02,344 --> 00:11:05,336 - * [Funk] - [All Gasp] 196 00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:09,645 Cut! Cut! I'm sorry, folks. I have no idea how that tape got in there. 197 00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:12,914 * [Roger's Keyboard: Disco Classical] 198 00:11:15,523 --> 00:11:19,482 - Uh, play something! - * [Jazz Pop] 199 00:11:21,696 --> 00:11:23,664 What the hell was that? 200 00:11:23,765 --> 00:11:27,701 Honey, that's what you have to do after a man takes you to a fancy dinner. 201 00:11:27,802 --> 00:11:29,861 N-No. I mean, why was it shown? 202 00:11:29,971 --> 00:11:34,101 Well, l-I'll tell you why. Because Roger's still clinging to the fantasy... 203 00:11:34,209 --> 00:11:37,736 that this telethon was his idea, and now he's trying to ruin it! 204 00:11:37,846 --> 00:11:40,838 Steve, Hayley, I need you to find him and stop him. 205 00:11:40,949 --> 00:11:44,214 I better get the security guard. I'm not searching that basement unless I'm accompanied... 206 00:11:44,319 --> 00:11:48,016 by an armed stranger who failed the psychological test to become a cop. 207 00:11:53,661 --> 00:11:56,255 Here's the intro for the circus bear, Mr. Smith. 208 00:11:56,364 --> 00:11:58,332 "Some acts are too hot. 209 00:11:58,433 --> 00:12:00,401 "Some acts are too cold. 210 00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:04,632 This act is just right." Oh, like Goldilocks. 211 00:12:04,739 --> 00:12:08,368 Part of me thinks people will be confused because there's only one bear. 212 00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:11,411 You're overthinking it! 213 00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:14,539 ♪ Irene Grossbard ♪ 214 00:12:14,649 --> 00:12:17,413 ♪ Irene Grossbard ♪ 215 00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,544 ♪ I really mean it ♪ 216 00:12:19,654 --> 00:12:23,715 ♪ Irene Grossbard ♪ 217 00:12:23,825 --> 00:12:26,988 Okay. That was Gretchen Grossbard with a tribute to her sister... 218 00:12:27,095 --> 00:12:30,428 Irene... Grossbard! 219 00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,557 Folks, we gotta do better than this. 220 00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:35,431 You know, the C.I.A. Has captured a lot of bomb makers. 221 00:12:35,537 --> 00:12:39,940 Well, it's time for you to set off the biggest bomb of all- the one in your hearts. 222 00:12:40,041 --> 00:12:42,134 [All] Aww! 223 00:12:42,243 --> 00:12:45,178 Let's keep the show goin'. Some acts are too hot. 224 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,248 Some acts are too cold. 225 00:12:47,348 --> 00:12:50,806 This act is just right. 226 00:12:52,587 --> 00:12:54,646 Joke killer. He's a joke killer. 227 00:12:54,756 --> 00:12:58,487 Please welcome Boris the Russian circus bear. 228 00:12:58,593 --> 00:13:00,754 * [Jaunty] 229 00:13:06,201 --> 00:13:09,102 - [Creaking] - [Tires Squealing] 230 00:13:09,204 --> 00:13:12,264 - Something is wrong! - [Growls] 231 00:13:12,373 --> 00:13:14,864 - [Crashing] - [Crowd Gasps] 232 00:13:14,976 --> 00:13:16,910 [Boris Groans] 233 00:13:17,011 --> 00:13:20,276 Itty-bitty brake line is cut. 234 00:13:20,381 --> 00:13:22,645 * [Keyboard: Disco Classical] 235 00:13:22,750 --> 00:13:25,947 All part of the show, folks. Everything's fine. Music, Frodo. Music! 236 00:13:26,054 --> 00:13:28,181 ♪ [Latin Pop] 237 00:13:31,526 --> 00:13:33,494 Hayley, what the hell happened? 238 00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:38,225 We were looking for Roger when somebody hit me on the head. When I woke up, Steve was gone. 239 00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:40,358 Wait. What would Roger want with Steve? 240 00:13:40,468 --> 00:13:42,959 Hmm? What the hell? 241 00:13:43,071 --> 00:13:45,062 Do not fear me, fair maiden. 242 00:13:45,173 --> 00:13:50,076 Though my outward appearance may repulse thee, I assure you my intentions are most pure. 243 00:13:50,178 --> 00:13:53,705 - What are you doing? - The Phantom welcomes you to his home. 244 00:13:53,815 --> 00:13:57,717 Sheez, it stinks in here! And why am I in a dress? 245 00:13:57,819 --> 00:14:00,754 I'll thank you to hold your criticism, my darling. 246 00:14:00,855 --> 00:14:04,154 - Ah, the hell with this! - Steve? Steve, come back here! 247 00:14:04,259 --> 00:14:06,318 I am trying to do something! 248 00:14:06,427 --> 00:14:10,557 Ladies and gentlemen, the United States may be the greatest nation in the world. 249 00:14:10,665 --> 00:14:12,963 But do you know what the second-greatest nation is? 250 00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:15,331 - [Man] El Salvador! - No, not Mexico. 251 00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:20,840 The second greatest nation is donation. Won't you all become citizens? 252 00:14:20,942 --> 00:14:23,502 Now, let's go to a real good novelty today- 253 00:14:23,611 --> 00:14:27,308 Jeff Fischer and theJeff Fischer Hacky Sack Attack! 254 00:14:27,415 --> 00:14:31,010 One, two, three. Woo-hoo! 255 00:14:31,119 --> 00:14:33,087 Thank you, Langley! 256 00:14:36,524 --> 00:14:40,290 What? You want more? 257 00:14:40,395 --> 00:14:43,455 All right! One, two- 258 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:49,131 - [Audience Gasps] - [Roger Cackling] 259 00:14:58,213 --> 00:15:03,150 Oh. Really thought we were gearing up for a much more satisfying chase. But this- 260 00:15:03,251 --> 00:15:07,051 - Roger, I'll kill you! - I'm not Roger! I'm the Phantom! 261 00:15:07,155 --> 00:15:10,591 - [Gasps] Roger! - Well, yeah. Who did you-What? 262 00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:13,092 Well, anyway, you'll never stop me! 263 00:15:15,897 --> 00:15:18,798 There you go again, stealing my idea. 264 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:24,566 Well, until you tell the family this telethon was my idea, I've got havoc to wreak! 265 00:15:24,672 --> 00:15:27,732 - Wreck? Wreak. - It ends now! 266 00:15:27,842 --> 00:15:30,436 Ha! You can't stop the Phantom! 267 00:15:30,545 --> 00:15:35,744 These riggings and catwalks are my domain! And I am their master! 268 00:15:35,850 --> 00:15:37,841 [Screaming] 269 00:15:37,952 --> 00:15:39,852 [Groaning] 270 00:15:42,957 --> 00:15:44,857 [Groans] 271 00:15:46,060 --> 00:15:48,028 [Groaning Continues] 272 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,631 [Screaming] 273 00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:57,971 All right, all right! I give up! But it doesn't matter! 274 00:15:58,072 --> 00:16:01,371 I've already destroyed this telethon! 275 00:16:01,476 --> 00:16:04,411 - And untied your bow tie! - No! 276 00:16:04,512 --> 00:16:07,106 You've given me a relaxed demeanor! 277 00:16:07,215 --> 00:16:09,877 Oh, my God! Is that a bomb? 278 00:16:09,984 --> 00:16:13,078 - You planted a bomb? - What the hell are you talking about? 279 00:16:13,187 --> 00:16:15,655 That's enough C-4 to blow up this entire building! 280 00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:18,123 - Disarm it! - Stan, it's not mine. 281 00:16:18,226 --> 00:16:20,694 All I did was change the teleprompter, cut the bear's brakes... 282 00:16:20,795 --> 00:16:23,229 release the terrorist, drop a fishing boat on Jeff Fischer- 283 00:16:23,331 --> 00:16:25,356 Wait. You released the terrorist? 284 00:16:25,466 --> 00:16:28,299 He's an explosives expert! We'll never be able to disarm it! 285 00:16:28,403 --> 00:16:31,895 Oh, my God! Stan, I know exactly what to do. 286 00:16:32,006 --> 00:16:33,974 Put me down. 287 00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:36,043 ♪ [Dramatic Sting] 288 00:16:37,145 --> 00:16:39,113 Let's try that on the fart setting. 289 00:16:39,213 --> 00:16:41,113 ♪ [Farting] 290 00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:47,381 I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension. 291 00:16:51,659 --> 00:16:55,151 How could you release the Snake? He's a master bomb maker! 292 00:16:55,263 --> 00:16:59,222 Me? [Chuckles] I don't know about "master." I make a nice bomb. 293 00:16:59,334 --> 00:17:01,427 All right, Snake! The jig is up! 294 00:17:01,536 --> 00:17:03,436 Um, uh- 295 00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:07,739 Prepare to meet your Mecca! 296 00:17:09,477 --> 00:17:11,775 Fine. Go ahead and kill me now. 297 00:17:11,879 --> 00:17:14,848 Once the ticking clock on your tote board counts down to zero... 298 00:17:14,949 --> 00:17:17,850 this whole building will be blown to smithereens! 299 00:17:17,952 --> 00:17:20,079 Good God! I've got to evacuate the building! 300 00:17:20,188 --> 00:17:22,918 Not so fast. I've rigged the exits. 301 00:17:23,024 --> 00:17:25,652 I've also rigged the elevator shaft, the air ducts... 302 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,194 the little window in the bathroom- 303 00:17:28,296 --> 00:17:30,264 I've seen a lot of movies. 304 00:17:30,365 --> 00:17:34,062 When you're forbidden to drink, dance, or touch yourself, your afternoons are pretty free. 305 00:17:34,168 --> 00:17:36,227 You can't touch yourself? How do you masturbate? 306 00:17:36,337 --> 00:17:38,396 I'll give you the code to disarm the bomb. 307 00:17:38,506 --> 00:17:40,872 But first, you will have to meet my demands. 308 00:17:40,975 --> 00:17:43,705 - I don't negotiate with terrorists! - Oh, really? 309 00:17:43,811 --> 00:17:45,779 Have you ever bought a mattress? 310 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,212 Fine! What are your demands? 311 00:17:48,316 --> 00:17:52,719 I have something I want you to tell the world. 312 00:17:52,820 --> 00:17:55,914 Hello. I'm the United States. 313 00:17:56,023 --> 00:17:59,754 [Feminine Voice] And I'm Israel. With you behind me, I can do whatever I want. 314 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,920 Well, I want you. 315 00:18:02,029 --> 00:18:05,362 Take me! [Feminine, Masculine Moaning] 316 00:18:05,466 --> 00:18:08,902 No! This is wrong! We both have the same father- Satan! 317 00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:11,130 Uh! I don't care! [Moaning Continues] 318 00:18:12,173 --> 00:18:14,141 Oh, God! Ohh, God! 319 00:18:14,242 --> 00:18:17,973 - Oh, Judeo-Christian false God! - [Man Coughs] 320 00:18:18,079 --> 00:18:20,946 All right. I did your little play, and it was intoxicating. 321 00:18:21,048 --> 00:18:23,846 If you have anything else I'd be right for, please keep me in mind. 322 00:18:23,951 --> 00:18:26,283 In the meantime, I need you to disarm the bomb! 323 00:18:26,387 --> 00:18:29,823 Oh, that? No, no. I was lying. I was never going to disarm the bomb. 324 00:18:29,924 --> 00:18:32,791 - You bastard! - You're mad at him for lying? 325 00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:35,294 You guys are enemies! Of course he lies to you. 326 00:18:35,396 --> 00:18:39,765 But you're worse. You stole my idea and lied about it to your own family. 327 00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:42,028 Oh, my God! You're right! 328 00:18:42,136 --> 00:18:44,104 Lying is wrong! 329 00:18:44,205 --> 00:18:47,868 I'd know that if only I'd paid attention to anything that's ever happened to me before. 330 00:18:47,975 --> 00:18:51,035 It's not too late to tell everyone the truth, Stan. 331 00:18:51,145 --> 00:18:53,409 Oh, what's the point? We're about to die. 332 00:18:53,514 --> 00:18:56,506 I don't want "I'm a liar" to be the last thing I say to them. 333 00:18:56,617 --> 00:18:58,585 It doesn't have to be the last thing. 334 00:18:58,686 --> 00:19:01,280 What if I save us all? Then will you tell them the truth? 335 00:19:01,389 --> 00:19:06,884 Roger, you save my family, and I'd be honored to redeem your good name. 336 00:19:06,994 --> 00:19:11,055 Excuse me. Does this have dairy in it? Because if you want to see a real dirty bomb- 337 00:19:11,165 --> 00:19:13,656 [Laughs] Give me something with dairy in it! 338 00:19:13,768 --> 00:19:16,259 - [Roger Groaning] - No, no, no. 339 00:19:16,370 --> 00:19:19,032 Let the truth be told! What's the code to disarm the bomb? 340 00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:21,836 I'll never tell! [Groaning] 341 00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,911 * [Show Tune] 342 00:19:25,446 --> 00:19:27,414 - [Indistinct Shouts] - [Clattering] 343 00:19:27,515 --> 00:19:29,483 Leapin' lizards! 344 00:19:31,385 --> 00:19:35,321 - This is annoying! Hey! - * [Keyboard: Discordant Notes] 345 00:19:35,423 --> 00:19:37,414 - Hey! - Wait a minute. 346 00:19:37,525 --> 00:19:40,653 I think I know how to save us and the C.I.A. 347 00:19:40,761 --> 00:19:43,059 Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a lot of fun tonight. 348 00:19:43,164 --> 00:19:45,758 But when that clock runs down, this building will explode. 349 00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:48,734 - [All Gasp] - Yeah, you should be concerned. 350 00:19:48,836 --> 00:19:53,000 Because that's the only man who knows the code to disarm the bomb, and he's not talking. 351 00:19:53,107 --> 00:19:55,837 And he's not talking because we can't torture him! 352 00:19:55,943 --> 00:19:59,743 Sure, he can be beaten by amateurs, like that oddly proportioned fellow in the cape. 353 00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:01,815 - [Groans] Come on! - * [Group Humming] 354 00:20:01,916 --> 00:20:03,884 But we're never gonna get any answers that way. 355 00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:07,887 We need the money to fund official unofficial C.I.A. Torture. 356 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,957 We're counting on your generosity. 357 00:20:10,057 --> 00:20:13,185 - [Phones Ringing] - Stan, it's working! The phones are ringing off the hook! 358 00:20:13,294 --> 00:20:15,023 [Dinging] 359 00:20:15,129 --> 00:20:17,825 That's it, folks! Give till it hurts... 360 00:20:17,932 --> 00:20:20,366 - him! - [Groaning] 361 00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:23,062 - We have the money! - Quick! Get the equipment. 362 00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:27,804 Hold this up! 363 00:20:27,909 --> 00:20:29,877 - [Snake Grunts] - [Groans] 364 00:20:29,977 --> 00:20:32,502 - [Machinery Whirring, Buzzing] - [Snake Screams] 365 00:20:32,613 --> 00:20:34,808 The code is 1-2-3-4-pound! 366 00:20:38,185 --> 00:20:41,643 - The bomb is disarmed! - [Cheering] 367 00:20:41,756 --> 00:20:44,748 - That's what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb! - Roger! 368 00:20:50,064 --> 00:20:52,555 The arm is disbombed! Damn it. 369 00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,568 [Cheering, Whooping] 370 00:20:58,239 --> 00:21:00,139 [Groans] 371 00:21:00,241 --> 00:21:03,233 So, now you can tell Francine and the kids I'm not a liar. 372 00:21:03,344 --> 00:21:05,312 Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. 373 00:21:05,413 --> 00:21:08,576 Well, that's our show, folks. If you're interested in learning more about torture... 374 00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:11,015 follow an immigrant into your local police station. 375 00:21:11,118 --> 00:21:13,086 Good night! [Groans] 376 00:21:13,187 --> 00:21:15,883 ♪ [Keyboard: Discordant Notes] 377 00:21:47,989 --> 00:21:49,889 Bye. Have a beautiful time!