00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,780 Okay. I don't know about you guys, 2 00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,170 but I say we leave this miserable shirthole. 3 00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:15,180 Now wait. Wait. Not so fast. 4 00:00:15,220 --> 00:00:18,260 Now getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky. 5 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:19,870 There's no train to catch. 6 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:24,520 I have to design a complicated, unique, transportation vehicle. 7 00:00:24,550 --> 00:00:26,780 - Is it Optimus Prime? - What? 8 00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:29,420 I can't believe we get to ride a real-life Optimus Prime. 9 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:30,540 I call right nipple! 10 00:00:30,570 --> 00:00:32,790 That's shotgun on Optimus Prime. 11 00:00:32,830 --> 00:00:36,860 Look. This vehicle, which is decidedly not Optimus Prime... 12 00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:38,970 - Aw! - Has never been built before. 13 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,940 So I'm gonna need a few days to do this. 14 00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:43,700 Dude, we just escaped by the skin of our teeth. 15 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:45,440 And any second now, Shawn is gonna realize 16 00:00:45,470 --> 00:00:47,140 that we are not at Mindy St. Clair's. 17 00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:50,810 So whatever this magical Good Place-mobile is, 18 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,710 now's the time to whip it out, B. 19 00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:54,480 I agree. And although I believe I've asked 20 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,780 - you this question already... - There is no business class. 21 00:00:56,820 --> 00:01:00,090 Michael, they're right. We gotta go. 22 00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:03,320 Oh... 23 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:04,960 Okay. Here goes nothing. 24 00:01:04,990 --> 00:01:06,090 Janet, if you would. 25 00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:08,800 And presto! 26 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:13,430 Oops. Forgot to log in first. 27 00:01:13,470 --> 00:01:15,940 Gotta answer my security question. 28 00:01:15,970 --> 00:01:18,670 What was the name of your childhood pet? 29 00:01:18,710 --> 00:01:22,580 Korzoth, the ten-headed dog-spider. 30 00:01:22,610 --> 00:01:25,350 And presto! 31 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,290 - Dope. - We did it, guys. We won. 32 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,620 We're going to The Good Place 33 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,590 in a fricking gold balloon. 34 00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:37,760 - Shotgun! - It's a hot air balloon. 35 00:01:37,790 --> 00:01:38,780 What does that even mean? 36 00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:42,660 Top of the balloon. Ultimate shotgun. 37 00:01:49,740 --> 00:01:51,670 So many memories of this place. 38 00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:54,480 Eating frozen yogurt, and then having diarrhea, 39 00:01:54,510 --> 00:01:55,840 and then eating more frozen yogurt, 40 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,780 and then more diarrhea. 41 00:01:57,810 --> 00:02:00,180 Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place 42 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:01,380 'cause of all the diarrhea. 43 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:02,620 Maybe you shouldn't be eating all of that 44 00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:04,360 frozen yogurt right now. 45 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,220 We're about to be on a balloon, man. 46 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,290 What do you think our new home will be like? 47 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,530 I'm picturing Hawaiian beach, 48 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,660 unlimited mai tais, and a phone. 49 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,230 Ugh, I miss my phone so much. 50 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,570 I bet I have so many texts. 51 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,200 I just want us all to be together. 52 00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:20,740 Separate houses, obviously. 53 00:02:20,770 --> 00:02:24,510 Large lawns. I'd have a tasteful moat. 54 00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:26,140 I don't care where I live, 55 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,740 as long as they have more of this frozen yogurt. 56 00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:32,980 - Why? Why? - An unlimited library. 57 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,050 All of my philosophy heroes walking around, 58 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,750 waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate, 59 00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,090 and I hope that library is air-conditioned, 60 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,020 because we are going to be working up quite a sweat. 61 00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:46,690 Oh! And soul mates! I hope they're real. 62 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:49,930 I mean, you know for all of us. 63 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:54,000 I hope everyone gets someone special. 64 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,670 Good news! We've got a handle on the controls. 65 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,670 Who's ready to go balloonin'? 66 00:02:58,710 --> 00:03:00,610 Okay, I think we figured it out. 67 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,710 I pieced together this design 68 00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:04,850 from a number of ancient manuscripts, 69 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,580 which Janet will now interpret for you. 70 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,780 The balloon will only transport those 71 00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:10,620 who have attained self-realization. 72 00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:12,790 Each traveler will step upon the scale, 73 00:03:12,820 --> 00:03:14,260 and her soul shall be weighed. 74 00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:16,460 If she's the best version of herself, 75 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:17,890 it will permit her to board. 76 00:03:17,930 --> 00:03:20,700 If not, passage will be denied. 77 00:03:20,730 --> 00:03:23,860 Cool. Cool. Cool. We got this. 78 00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:25,370 I don't know about you guys, 79 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,940 but I am definitely the best version of myself. 80 00:03:27,970 --> 00:03:31,970 I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, 'cause I studied. 81 00:03:32,010 --> 00:03:34,710 And I read books that weren't even written 82 00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,710 by the Real Housewives. 83 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:40,280 Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine. 84 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,150 Oh! 85 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,420 Oh, man. I didn't believe anything I was saying. 86 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,720 I just... whoo! In I go. 87 00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,930 Well, I mean... 88 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,170 Oh dip! 89 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,240 Aw, nuts! 90 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,280 It's okay! The pattern is green, green, green, red. 91 00:04:10,310 --> 00:04:11,750 Remember that when it starts up again. 92 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:13,250 I'm sorry, everyone. 93 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,420 I just have some worries as well as some concerns 94 00:04:16,450 --> 00:04:18,690 that could potentially turn into outright fears. 95 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,320 Wow, there they go. They're fears now. 96 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,090 Okay, I know this mood. 97 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,590 Come with us, Dr. Freakout. 98 00:04:25,630 --> 00:04:26,960 That was a joke. 99 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,760 We are actually very good friends. 100 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,530 Okay, here's the thing. 101 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,640 That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. 102 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,800 But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. 103 00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:40,040 There have literally been 802 different versions of us. 104 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,610 And how do I know that this version 105 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:42,980 is the best version of myself? 106 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:47,550 How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558? 107 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,280 Or 69, or 420? 108 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,290 And then you get into the whole idea of consciousness. 109 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,850 And I mean just forget about best. 110 00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:55,660 And what version of Chidi is even real? 111 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,460 What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out? 112 00:04:57,490 --> 00:05:00,230 Usually, but this one seems to be getting stronger 113 00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:01,180 as he goes on. 114 00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:04,200 And this Chidi is an imposter! 115 00:05:04,230 --> 00:05:06,630 Okay. This is pretty simple, bud. 116 00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:08,540 You've been our teacher this whole time. 117 00:05:08,570 --> 00:05:11,070 And we are much better because of you. 118 00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:13,740 If we're the best versions of ourselves, 119 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:16,310 which that balloon just proved, 120 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,380 then you definitely are. 121 00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:22,180 So in a way, it doesn't matter if I was better 122 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:26,520 in version 492 or whatever, because the best version of me 123 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,320 is just as much about my effect on the world around me 124 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:34,030 as it is about my own egocentric self-image. 125 00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:36,330 I really meant that much to you guys? 126 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,730 Of course you did. 127 00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:40,170 Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus. 128 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,570 Chidi, ready to try again? 129 00:05:46,610 --> 00:05:48,410 Yeah. All right. 130 00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:53,980 Yeah! Yeah! 131 00:05:57,550 --> 00:05:59,190 Yeah. 132 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,690 Dope! 133 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:12,000 Oh! Chidi got in my head. 134 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,850 It's just that thing Chidi said 135 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,300 about previous versions of myself. 136 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,330 It's screwing me up. But I can fix it. 137 00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:24,190 I stole this from your house the first night we were here. 138 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,700 Okay. Should be the best version of myself now. 139 00:06:29,460 --> 00:06:30,880 Come on, scale. Be cool. 140 00:06:30,910 --> 00:06:32,370 Guys, we're just not ready. 141 00:06:32,390 --> 00:06:34,530 I think we should regroup and try again tomorrow. 142 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:35,640 Hang on. I know the answer. 143 00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:37,600 I know why I'm not my best self. 144 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,570 Do you remember that version of me 145 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,870 from the tape of us at Mindy's? 146 00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:47,350 Where I was vulnerable and emotional and honest? 147 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,940 That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one. 148 00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:53,310 And that is not an easy thing for me to say, 149 00:06:53,350 --> 00:06:57,420 "You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote. 150 00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:00,250 Michael, can you tell us a little bit about that version? 151 00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:02,820 Reboot number 119. 152 00:07:02,860 --> 00:07:05,290 All the restaurants were kabob places. 153 00:07:05,330 --> 00:07:08,660 You had a pet lizard which I made poop on you all the time. 154 00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:10,330 No, can you tell us more about 155 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,560 Chidi's and my relationship from that version? 156 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,800 Right. Sorry. 157 00:07:13,830 --> 00:07:15,230 Well, you got really into ethics, 158 00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:17,170 and you spent a lot of time together. 159 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:21,640 Once you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed, 160 00:07:21,670 --> 00:07:24,280 and that simple act of anticipating his needs 161 00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:26,280 made him fall for you. 162 00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:30,020 One night you took a walk along the lake, 163 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,750 and you had your first kiss, 164 00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:34,290 which: Gross. 165 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,290 Kissing is gross. 166 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:39,270 You just mash your food holes together. 167 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,700 It's not for that. 168 00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:45,960 Anyway, it just you know bloomed after that. 169 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,270 Look, there are obviously some undealt-with issues here. 170 00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:51,540 I propose that everyone who was green 171 00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:53,710 go ahead and board the magic balloon, 172 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,440 and set out to the Good Place. 173 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,810 Sort of like an advance team. 174 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,140 We'll put our names in or book a table. 175 00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:00,380 However it works. 176 00:08:00,410 --> 00:08:02,180 And then we'll send back the magical balloon 177 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,100 for the red light people later on. 178 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,650 It's a perfect plan. 179 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,850 No! It's not working! 180 00:08:08,890 --> 00:08:10,460 It probably thinks I'm Eleanor. 181 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,990 It is I, Tahani. 182 00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:15,490 In case you were wondering, I am by definition 183 00:08:15,530 --> 00:08:17,160 the best version of myself, 184 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,800 because my operating system is always updating. 185 00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:20,960 I'm not sure that's true, Janet. 186 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,380 You still haven't talked to Jason 187 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,840 about your romantic baggage, 188 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,740 and the three of you are in some sort 189 00:08:25,770 --> 00:08:27,340 of weird love triangle. 190 00:08:27,370 --> 00:08:28,670 You don't know what you're talking about. 191 00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:30,700 Also, love isn't a triangle. 192 00:08:30,780 --> 00:08:32,340 It's a five dimensional blob, so... 193 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:34,650 Okay. If you're so perfect, step on the scale. 194 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,980 Fine. 195 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:38,880 Ooh, I think I broke it. 196 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,250 No! My beautiful balloon scale! 197 00:08:41,290 --> 00:08:42,690 It's not yours. 198 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,490 No, no, please stop fighting. 199 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,590 Oh man. This stinks. 200 00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:48,439 I'm having this feeling where... 201 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,200 what is it called? You know, where you... 202 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,700 you did a thing and you're sad after it? 203 00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:54,700 After-sad? Is that... no. 204 00:08:54,730 --> 00:08:57,800 You humans have so many emotions! 205 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,270 You only need two: 206 00:08:59,310 --> 00:09:00,940 Anger and confusion! 207 00:09:00,970 --> 00:09:02,670 Michael, what's going on? 208 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,450 The problem isn't any of you. 209 00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:07,910 This whole balloon thing is a fake. 210 00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:11,350 The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place 211 00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:12,990 and I never have! 212 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,560 Well, Michael's right. 213 00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:21,430 I'm angry and confused. 214 00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:26,650 So months ago, 215 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,470 when you said you had this whole complicated plan 216 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:29,580 for getting us to the Good Place... 217 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:30,740 It was a lie. 218 00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:32,870 I assumed if I bought myself some time, 219 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,430 I could figure out a way in. 220 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,780 Guys, I tried a billion different ways. 221 00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:39,090 Not an exaggeration! 222 00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:42,200 I actually tried one billion and twelve different plans. 223 00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:45,290 But the only way into the Good Place 224 00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:47,590 is by being a good person on Earth. 225 00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,930 This is unforgivable. 226 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,760 How many times can you betray us? 227 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,620 I'm sorry. I really am, 228 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:55,240 because while I was searching for a way to get in, 229 00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:57,840 I was also taking your ethics classes, 230 00:09:57,870 --> 00:10:00,100 learning why it was bad to lie. 231 00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:03,140 So not only did I fail at getting us into the Good Place, 232 00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:05,940 I also learned the error of my ways. 233 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:09,600 Real rock bottom for a demon, I'll tell you. 234 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,440 But this was not torture. I was stalling! 235 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,790 So I could keep searching for a way in. 236 00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:16,190 I would've been happy if you were 237 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:17,960 to live in this neighborhood forever, 238 00:10:17,990 --> 00:10:21,440 but then Shawn came and just ruined the whole thing. 239 00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:23,940 So what happens now? 240 00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:26,630 Shawn will eventually figure out you're not at Mindy's, 241 00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:32,140 and he'll realize that someone on the inside was helping you. 242 00:10:32,170 --> 00:10:34,810 So you'll go to the real Bad Place forever, 243 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,980 and I will be... be retired. 244 00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:38,480 You're... you're mad at me. 245 00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:42,010 I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. 246 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:45,180 Oh, come on. Everyone knows that's worse. 247 00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:48,090 So this really is the end. 248 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,450 Completely out of options, are we? 249 00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:52,520 Not completely out of options. 250 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:57,200 We can do what the Shellstrops have always done 251 00:10:57,230 --> 00:10:59,060 when the chips are down. 252 00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:02,600 Ignore our problems, and drink heavily. 253 00:11:02,630 --> 00:11:03,520 Janet! 254 00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:06,540 A million bottles of your finest booze, please! 255 00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:11,880 - You all right? - Kind of. 256 00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:15,210 I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon, 257 00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:16,880 and he said no. 258 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,980 Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it 259 00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:21,620 to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up, 260 00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:25,720 and he just kind of sighed and walked away. 261 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:30,090 So I guess that one is still on the table. 262 00:11:30,130 --> 00:11:32,320 Are you and me cool? 263 00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,500 Not exactly. 264 00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:36,130 I think perhaps given everything, 265 00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:38,200 it's best we end our relationship. 266 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,040 It's probably about time I stopped relying on others 267 00:11:41,070 --> 00:11:44,810 for my sense of self-worth or happiness. 268 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,050 You know my whole life, 269 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,150 whenever I encountered any obstacles, 270 00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:53,550 I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." 271 00:11:53,590 --> 00:11:56,220 But in our relationship, there was no manager. 272 00:11:56,260 --> 00:12:01,660 There was no one who could fix this for me except me. 273 00:12:01,690 --> 00:12:04,660 My mom was a manager at a pet store. 274 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,400 Does that help? 275 00:12:06,430 --> 00:12:08,670 No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories... 276 00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,440 - She got fired after I... - Please, no. 277 00:12:10,470 --> 00:12:11,780 Robbed the pet store where she worked. 278 00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:13,400 - Please, please, Jason. - We actually 279 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,110 - robbed it together. - No, no, no. 280 00:12:15,140 --> 00:12:17,240 Long story short, it was all a dream. 281 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:21,050 Thank you, Jason, for making this moment 282 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,850 a little easier for me. 283 00:12:25,750 --> 00:12:27,290 Dude, he's where I'm at. 284 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,690 - Feelings are stupid. - Yeah. Who needs 'em? 285 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,530 But, uh, in case feelings aren't stupid, 286 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,730 and in the case that we are eternally doomed, 287 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,280 I thought it might be worth mentioning 288 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,870 that I do... 289 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,600 Have feelings for you. 290 00:12:42,730 --> 00:12:44,740 And I know you don't feel the same way. 291 00:12:44,770 --> 00:12:50,370 And although that fills me with anger and confusion... 292 00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:52,640 Wow. Michael was right on the money. 293 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,850 I just wanted you to know the truth. 294 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,480 You are... I mean... 295 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:00,920 Oh, no. Don't say anything. Don't. 296 00:13:00,950 --> 00:13:03,090 I want to. I want to. 297 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,580 Here's the thing about me. 298 00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:09,190 You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal? 299 00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:13,970 That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. 300 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,800 It's just this constant grinding 301 00:13:15,830 --> 00:13:17,640 about things I'm afraid of 302 00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:21,510 or things that I want or want to want 303 00:13:21,540 --> 00:13:23,810 or want to want to... 304 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,580 Is it grinding in there right now, bud? 305 00:13:25,610 --> 00:13:27,210 Yep, but the point is... 306 00:13:27,450 --> 00:13:29,350 the circumstances under which me met 307 00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,280 are completely insane. 308 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,220 And that just makes the grinding harder. 309 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:37,690 I just wish we met the way normal people meet. 310 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,590 Like at a philosophy conference, 311 00:13:39,630 --> 00:13:42,060 or after one of my philosophy lectures. 312 00:13:42,090 --> 00:13:44,700 Or you came knocking on my office door 313 00:13:44,730 --> 00:13:46,630 asking for help with philosophy. 314 00:13:46,670 --> 00:13:49,730 Is that how you think people meet? 315 00:13:49,770 --> 00:13:51,440 I don't know how normal people meet. 316 00:13:51,470 --> 00:13:53,770 You're such a nerd. 317 00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:56,940 Attention, everyone. 318 00:13:56,980 --> 00:14:00,280 We may not know exactly which version of ourselves 319 00:14:00,310 --> 00:14:02,250 was technically our best self, 320 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,550 but you know what? 321 00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:05,280 I like who we are right now. 322 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,420 To this version of us. 323 00:14:07,450 --> 00:14:09,320 To the good people we've all become. 324 00:14:09,350 --> 00:14:12,560 Oh, and to Eleanor, our unofficial leader. 325 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,330 You pack a lot of heart and grit 326 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:15,830 into that diminutive frame. 327 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:18,600 Like a scrappy little auto mechanic. 328 00:14:18,630 --> 00:14:20,460 That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, babe. 329 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:21,440 And I'll take it. 330 00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:24,400 - And to Janet, the best robot. - Not a robot. 331 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:25,420 - Girl. - Not a girl. 332 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,900 - And straight up hottie. - I am attractive, yes. 333 00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:30,170 Any of us could have ever asked for. 334 00:14:30,210 --> 00:14:31,240 Thanks, guys. 335 00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:33,640 Because of the way we were conceived of and created, 336 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,580 Janets don't typically give speeches. 337 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,080 Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech. 338 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,150 Okay. Cool. 339 00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:42,420 Ooh! One more toast. 340 00:14:42,450 --> 00:14:43,750 To Michael! 341 00:14:43,790 --> 00:14:45,620 - Michael! - Whoo-whoo! Hoo-hoo! 342 00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:49,360 Who is easily the best version of himself. 343 00:14:49,390 --> 00:14:52,130 Granted, the bar was low. He is a demon. 344 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,770 But he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong, 345 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,100 which makes him better than 90% of all humans. 346 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:01,610 And you know what, it wasn't really Michael's fault. 347 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,180 We weren't getting into the Good Place anyway. 348 00:15:04,210 --> 00:15:05,610 I mean, look at us. 349 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,510 A self-obsessed socialite, 350 00:15:07,550 --> 00:15:11,280 a ridiculous giraffe, an absurd British aristocrat, 351 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,380 a narcissistic attention seeker. 352 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:14,700 - Are these all me? - Yes. 353 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,390 I was gonna do eight for you, and one for everyone else. 354 00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:19,990 The point is Michael, we forgive you. 355 00:15:20,030 --> 00:15:23,460 I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place. 356 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,630 And that's the greatest thing someone can do, 357 00:15:25,660 --> 00:15:27,970 just try your best. 358 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:34,470 So we hereby name you an honorary human. 359 00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:37,170 And we would like to present you 360 00:15:37,210 --> 00:15:40,180 with this human starter kit. 361 00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:41,200 Car keys! 362 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,420 So I could lose them, and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?" 363 00:15:44,450 --> 00:15:46,980 I can do that you know that thing where... 364 00:15:47,020 --> 00:15:48,720 Thank you! 365 00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:53,490 And Band-Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies. 366 00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:54,930 Oh, and look at this. 367 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,000 A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo. 368 00:15:58,030 --> 00:16:00,030 Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this 369 00:16:00,070 --> 00:16:02,230 and then almost throw it away, and then think, 370 00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:04,170 "No, I'll use it." 371 00:16:05,370 --> 00:16:07,570 Oh, guys. 372 00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:11,680 A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers. 373 00:16:11,710 --> 00:16:15,610 This is all garbage that I have no real use for. 374 00:16:15,650 --> 00:16:18,450 That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy. 375 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,080 To Michael! 376 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:45,250 ♪ Unforgettable ♪ 377 00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:51,330 ♪ That's what you are ♪ 378 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,890 - You don't remember? - No. 379 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,620 - Of course you don't! - That's mean! 380 00:16:57,660 --> 00:16:59,390 That was version one! 381 00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,460 Michael, there's a message coming in from Shawn. 382 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,900 "Finish shutting everything down. 383 00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:10,900 "Sending train first thing tomorrow. 384 00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:15,110 "Humans will be captured and tortured soup. 385 00:17:15,140 --> 00:17:17,580 "Sorry. Autocorrect. Soon. 386 00:17:17,610 --> 00:17:18,640 "Although weirdly, 387 00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:21,650 "I did just finish turning someone into soup. 388 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,150 So random. Okay. Bye." 389 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,590 What do you guys think the Bad Place 390 00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,620 is going to be for you? 391 00:17:30,660 --> 00:17:32,860 I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert. 392 00:17:32,890 --> 00:17:36,130 And I'll be waiting for the bass drop, 393 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,930 and it... 394 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,600 it'll never come. 395 00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:43,130 For me it'll be camping. 396 00:17:43,170 --> 00:17:45,670 Like, I'll just always be camping. 397 00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,810 I'm pretty good at turning every place I go 398 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,610 into my personal hell, 399 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,010 so I think they'll have a lot of options for me. 400 00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:56,780 Mine will obviously be an eternity 401 00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,650 spent in the Swiss Alps. 402 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,280 That sounds amazing. 403 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,150 In Autumn. The off-season. 404 00:18:03,190 --> 00:18:06,020 Yeah. Still fine. You'd be fine. 405 00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:07,000 Who are we kidding? 406 00:18:07,060 --> 00:18:09,160 You'll probably be running the place in like a week. 407 00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:11,400 She'll be like, "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy, 408 00:18:11,430 --> 00:18:14,800 This simply won't do. I demand to speak to your manager." 409 00:18:14,830 --> 00:18:17,370 - Again! Again! - "Your manager." 410 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,640 Of course! That's it. 411 00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:24,580 We should speak to the manager. 412 00:18:24,610 --> 00:18:29,050 Wait, you said that there was a judge who decides on disputes 413 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,880 between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right? 414 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,820 Some sort of head honcho I could pace in front of 415 00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:35,650 and plead our case to 416 00:18:35,690 --> 00:18:38,660 and maybe even wag a finger at disapprovingly. 417 00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:41,160 I thought about that. It's a non-starter. 418 00:18:41,190 --> 00:18:43,060 Judge rarely hears cases. 419 00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:45,730 And the only way to get to the Judge's office 420 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:50,330 is through a portal, and we can never get to that. 421 00:18:50,370 --> 00:18:51,380 Why not? 422 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,270 We'd have to walk through the actual Bad Place, 423 00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:56,740 in plain sight, without getting caught. 424 00:18:56,780 --> 00:18:59,740 Reach and pass through the portal, 425 00:18:59,780 --> 00:19:01,850 Convince the judge to hear us out, 426 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,720 even though we didn't go through the proper channels. 427 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:09,820 And then somehow win our unwinnable case. 428 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,620 Okay. 429 00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:16,090 Let's do it. 430 00:19:16,130 --> 00:19:17,530 You're serious? 431 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,730 Yeah! What do we have to lose? 432 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,370 All I've ever really wanted was to know 433 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,410 what it feels like to be human, 434 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,080 and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: 435 00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:36,710 attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence 436 00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,280 and fail spectacularly! 437 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,620 Get up! Get up! Everyone. 438 00:19:42,650 --> 00:19:44,720 Get rest tonight. 439 00:19:44,870 --> 00:19:46,900 First thing tomorrow, 440 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,290 we're going to the Bad Place. 441 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:53,230 We had a lot of good times together. 442 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,850 I'll see you in the next life. 443 00:19:54,890 --> 00:19:56,460 Good-bye, clowns. 444 00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:58,750 Goodbye, modernist architecture 445 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:01,830 that I was too trashy to appreciate. 446 00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:04,110 Good-bye, house. 447 00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,050 Good-bye, house. 448 00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:12,410 What up, idiot? 449 00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:15,560 This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters. 450 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,400 We'd like to begin the boarding process 451 00:20:17,430 --> 00:20:19,230 with our first-class fat dinks. 452 00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:21,700 And there is no overhead storage, 453 00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:22,940 so if you have any bags, 454 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,870 why don't you just go ahead and place them up your fat butts? 455 00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:27,320 Sorry about this, Bad Janet. 456 00:20:27,350 --> 00:20:29,550 Sorry about what, you fat dink? 457 00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:37,420 This was your life's work. 458 00:20:37,710 --> 00:20:40,620 Are you okay with leaving the fake Good Place behind? 459 00:20:40,730 --> 00:20:42,410 As long as I'm with you guys, 460 00:20:42,540 --> 00:20:44,770 I'm always in the fake Good Place. 461 00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,500 That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does. 462 00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:54,580 The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way. 463 00:20:54,660 --> 00:20:58,180 Nope. Still nonsense. One more try. 464 00:20:58,310 --> 00:21:01,140 In a way, the Good Place 465 00:21:01,330 --> 00:21:04,270 was inside the Bad Place 466 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,180 all along? 467 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,750 You know what? That's technically true. 468 00:21:07,780 --> 00:21:09,720 I'm gonna give it to you. 469 00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:12,130 I just made an aphorism. 470 00:21:13,420 --> 00:21:14,790 Hit it, Janet! 471 00:21:15,090 --> 00:21:18,190 Next stop, the actual Bad Place! 472 00:21:32,330 --> 00:21:37,330 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.MY-SUBS.com