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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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Lana.
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Lana.
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Let me go ahead
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and save you the trouble
of shouting my name
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- like a shrill five-year-old...
- Shrill?
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...and point out
that I'm a little busy
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- doing both our jobs.
- Which I'd be helping you with
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if I could find
the goddamn cherries.
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- What cherries?
- The maraschino cherries, Lana. I...
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We are entering the atmosphere
of an uncharted planet
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at a couple thousand miles per hour
to check out a distress beacon,
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and you're talking to me
about cherries?
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She said. Dryly.
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Sorry. I didn't invent how
to make a whiskey sour, Lana.
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Here's an idea. Maybe try
inventing not doing that right now.
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God, lighten up.
It's a road trip.
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Who goes on a road trip
without a few cocktails?
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- Look...
- Trick question, Lana.
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- No one does.
- This isn't...
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The time to try new things.
Exactly.
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Especially when we're going
a thousand miles per...
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Goddamn it!
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System failure.
System failure.
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- Autopilot is out!
- I got it.
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- What is happening?
- What are they doing?!
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Goddamn it!
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- The hell's going on up there?
- Don't look at me!
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Talk to Captain Road Trip over here!
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What? Oh, how is this
suddenly my fault?
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We're coming in hot!
Everyone, hang on!
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Hey, if you happen to see
any cherries back there...
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- Oh, God, give it a rest!
- You give it a rest!
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- Ow!
- Holy shitsnacks!
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Never mind.
Found the cherries.
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10x06 - Road Trip
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ MY-SUBS.com ~
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So, got some good news
and some bad news.
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Any chance you're gonna
tell us what it is?
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Oh. Right.
The bad news is,
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comms are dead
and the fuel cell's ruptured,
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so we're not going anywhere
anytime soon.
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Hang on. You mean
we're frickin' stranded?
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Not stranded, dummy.
He said "soon."
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- Though I technically meant "ever."
- Then what's the good news?
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Hmm. Guess it was
mostly just bad news.
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- Damn it, Krieger!
- God, relax. He said "mostly."
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So... completely inoperable.
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Um, what are you doing?
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Oh. Uh, since our insurance
claims keep getting denied,
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Ms. Archer has put me
in charge of the paperwork.
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Cause of accident:
barely functional alcoholism.
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- Hey!
- All right, listen up.
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Let's salvage what we can
from the shuttle
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and find the distress beacon.
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It's probably a downed ship, so
maybe there's a fuel cell we can use.
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Way ahead of you.
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On the "salvage what you can" part.
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- Unbelievable.
- Right?
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What are the chances
lemons would survive the...
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Can you please focus?!
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Why? Mother's
probably putting together
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a rescue plan as we speak.
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Mm. Should probably check
on why their comms are down.
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Meh.
Feels like it can wait.
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Everything can wait.
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Speaking of,
anybody want in on this?
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I'm about to make another batch.
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- Seriously?
- Road trip.
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Which we may be on forever
if we're stranded here.
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Oh, take it easy, Lana.
It'll be fine.
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And this blithe optimism
is based on what, exactly?
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Because this is me
we're talking about.
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- Wildly reassuring.
- Trust me on this.
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I have mastered the art
of blind luck.
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No offense to your blind luck,
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but it might be nice
to have a plan B.
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Why? Seriously,
do you have any idea
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how many times I should have
literally died in the last year?
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- Wow me.
- Krieger, tell her.
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Including that thing last week?
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Hey! This is totally safe, right?
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- Technically?
- As in "actually," Krieger!
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Kind of feels like probably.
To both of those.
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Whoa, whoa, wait!
What?!
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- Then nine.
- Boosh.
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- Please tell me there's a point.
- Point is, if you hit pause
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on your whole angry negativity thing...
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- Angry what?
- ...for, like, one second,
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you'd notice we always end up fine.
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Though we may be pushing
our luck at this point.
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Christ on a cracker.
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- Is this whole frickin' planet uphill?
- Jesus, is that a thing?
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At least it means we're not
totally lost going in circles.
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Though not
feeling entirely un-lost.
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We're not lost, idiots.
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I know how to work
the whatchamahickey.
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Really? Because "whatchamahickey"
doesn't inspire tons of confidence.
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- It's technically a whatchamacallit.
- Or am I being too negative?
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- When are you not?
- All the time, jackass!
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- Oh, and there's the angry part.
- Look...
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Face it, Lana. Angry's
basically your default setting.
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- Says who?
- Besides everybody?
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- Well, not everybody.
- Thank you!
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Just the people
who've actually met you.
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Yeah. Possibly a few others.
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Hey, assholes.
I'm not, like, perpetually angry.
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Really?
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- Yes, really.
- Scale of one to ten, Lana,
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how happy would you
say you are, in general?
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- Oh, easily a six.
- A six? Then what's a seven,
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- "Yay, I've got tons of cancer"?
- Like you're any better.
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Seriously?
I'm always a total nine.
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- Please.
- I'm buoyant, Lana,
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bordering on bubbly.
Listen to how I talk.
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- There's a tone.
- A tone?
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Yes, Lana, a tone. Notice how
my sentences go up at the end?
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Oh, yeah.
You mean like, "Shut the hell up"?
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Exac... Damn it.
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- Ow!
- Ha. Now I'm a seven, by the way.
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And now I'm a two.
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So which part of the
blind luck plan is this?
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Um, I think this is the part
where you sh...
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- ...it!
- Finally!
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Some frickin' downhill.
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Blind luck,
you are my spirit animal.
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Holy spacesnacks.
What the hell happened?
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Hopefully nothing a fuel cell
couldn't survive.
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Yeah, otherwise,
we're pretty much screwed.
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Easy, Debbie Downer.
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No one wants to go
to your dark place right now.
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- You know...
- Yeah, but she's right.
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We only have enough food
for a few days.
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Then what?
We sit around and starve?
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Please,
whoever survives the culling
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- will have plenty of food.
- The what?
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Uh, the culling? You know, where
people suffocate in their sleep
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with gross, sweaty socks
stuffed in their mouths or get
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accidentally stabbed in the
neck while they pee or whatever?
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- What?
- The details make it weird.
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Just the details?
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Section seven,
possible post-accident injuries.
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- Uh, that's "culling" with a "C," right?
- Look, idiots,
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there's got to be a fuel
cell around here somewhere.
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They're basically impossible
to destroy.
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Unless the pilot spills a cocktail
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- all over the flight controls.
- Yeah.
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But what are the odds
their pilot was that kick-ass?
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Perhaps better than you think.
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- Holy...
- Shitsnacks.
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- Ooh. Fascinating.
- Now I'm an eight.
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- How is this possible?
- It-it isn't.
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- This is insane.
- Obviously.
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I mean, who shaves off hair like this?
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Idiot.
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00:08:06,330 --> 00:08:10,204
Okay, there's got to
be a logical explanation.
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Lana, there's nothing
logical about shaving...
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- Not talking about your hair, dumbass.
- None of this makes any sense.
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Uh, ever consider the fact
we're obviously ghosts
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looking at our own
stupid dead bodies?
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We're not ghosts, dick nuts.
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How do you... Ow!
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Buy a girl a drink first.
Jesus.
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Is anyone here familiar
with multiverse theory?
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How 'bout pretend we're not?
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Long story short, this
may be a parallel universe,
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- making these our doppelgangers.
- Doppel-what?
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- Sort of like everyone's alter egos.
- Not everyone's.
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Yeah.
Where's yours, Krieger?
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Huh.
Maybe doppel-Krieger survived.
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Yeah.
And maybe he killed everybody.
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Please,
why would I ever finally do that?
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What the hell?
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Mayday, mayday.
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00:09:01,342 --> 00:09:03,746
This is Sterling Archer
of the MV Seamus,
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and we are going down.
Repeat, we are going down.
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Transmitting our location now.
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00:09:08,349 --> 00:09:10,916
And, on a personal note,
whoever gets this,
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please know my only regret is...
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The hair, obviously.
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- Shut up. - Oh, come on.
- Shut up, man.
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...I wasn't able to save
my valiant crew.
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My dear friends, Cyril,
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00:09:19,403 --> 00:09:22,363
Pam, Krieger,
Ray, Crystal...
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00:09:22,406 --> 00:09:24,974
Oh, my God! Totally forgot
about the Crystal thing.
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00:09:25,017 --> 00:09:26,453
...I love you all dearly.
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Truly the best friends
a guy could have.
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- Aw.
- Oh, my God, give me...
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Shut up!
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00:09:31,415 --> 00:09:34,243
But, most of all,
I'll miss my wife, Lana.
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00:09:34,244 --> 00:09:37,421
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
191
00:09:37,465 --> 00:09:39,336
I wrote you this poem
I want to read.
192
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:43,297
It's called "I'll Never Stop..."
193
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:44,688
"Totally Embarrassing Yourself"?
194
00:09:44,689 --> 00:09:46,430
- Come on!
- Oh, God!
195
00:09:46,474 --> 00:09:48,780
You realize, theoretically,
that was you, right?
196
00:09:48,824 --> 00:09:50,477
How?
He's nothing like me.
197
00:09:50,478 --> 00:09:53,437
Got a point. He did seem
entirely non-self-absorbed.
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00:09:53,481 --> 00:09:56,831
- Exactly... Wait, what?
- And weirdly not a dick.
199
00:09:56,832 --> 00:09:58,660
You're weirdly not a dick.
200
00:09:58,703 --> 00:10:00,356
- Makes no sense.
- Yeah.
201
00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:03,795
That other Archer
was refreshingly friendly.
202
00:10:03,839 --> 00:10:07,363
- Yeah, like what you think matters, Cyril.
- And we're back.
203
00:10:07,364 --> 00:10:09,627
And is it just me,
or was that shaved head thing
204
00:10:09,671 --> 00:10:11,977
- super working?
- Totally.
205
00:10:12,021 --> 00:10:13,630
- Ka-sploosh!
- I was into it.
206
00:10:13,631 --> 00:10:15,894
Just sit there and be
into the non-hair-having,
207
00:10:15,938 --> 00:10:17,766
clearly castrated version of me
208
00:10:17,809 --> 00:10:21,378
while I go find a fuel cell to
get us all out of here, which,
209
00:10:21,422 --> 00:10:26,253
P.S., is pretty much
the opposite of self-absorbed!
210
00:10:29,299 --> 00:10:31,185
So, how's the bubbly thing going?
211
00:10:31,253 --> 00:10:34,303
- Still sporting that nine?
- No.
212
00:10:46,273 --> 00:10:49,275
"Are you making any of the following
claims for emotional distress?"
213
00:10:49,276 --> 00:10:51,886
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, these are all yes.
214
00:11:00,722 --> 00:11:03,725
Shit, I'm heavy.
215
00:11:09,012 --> 00:11:11,264
Incoming!
216
00:11:19,958 --> 00:11:24,876
So, I officially quit.
217
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,442
And speaking of good news,
218
00:11:26,443 --> 00:11:29,664
I assume finding this
crammed up my ass qualified?
219
00:11:29,707 --> 00:11:31,753
Is that a fuel cell?
Oh, thank God.
220
00:11:31,796 --> 00:11:33,972
Shut up, Cyril.
You still don't matter.
221
00:11:35,409 --> 00:11:38,499
It's funny 'cause it's true.
222
00:11:38,742 --> 00:11:41,893
Okay, got some
good news and bad news.
223
00:11:43,460 --> 00:11:46,463
Bad news is, that thing's
not going anywhere.
224
00:11:46,507 --> 00:11:48,378
And the good news?
225
00:11:48,422 --> 00:11:50,777
Mm. I swear
I had something for this.
226
00:11:50,812 --> 00:11:51,947
- Krieger!
- Great.
227
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:54,297
Making us pretty much screwed.
228
00:11:54,341 --> 00:11:56,081
- Easily a six.
- Shut it.
229
00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:59,562
- And let the culling begin!
- Okay.
230
00:12:01,217 --> 00:12:03,088
Maybe instead of culling each other,
231
00:12:03,132 --> 00:12:05,308
we should come up
with an actual plan.
232
00:12:05,352 --> 00:12:07,397
Like, obviously, someone
needs to go out there
233
00:12:07,441 --> 00:12:09,530
and distract that thing
while everyone else gets away.
234
00:12:09,573 --> 00:12:12,315
- And I vote Pam.
- What? Screw you, dick nuts.
235
00:12:12,359 --> 00:12:13,924
- What?
- Why me?
236
00:12:13,925 --> 00:12:15,361
Because look at you, Pam.
237
00:12:15,362 --> 00:12:17,538
That thing's not gonna want
to eat... that.
238
00:12:17,581 --> 00:12:20,802
Well, you either! 'Cause who'd
want to eat a complete dick?
239
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:25,023
- Just gonna softball it in like that?
- Sorry I didn't invent appetizing, Pam.
240
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,591
Yeah, well,
I'm sorry we ended up
241
00:12:27,635 --> 00:12:29,811
with the complete
asshole version of you.
242
00:12:29,854 --> 00:12:33,249
Oh, what? You'd rather have
touchy-feely bald guy?
243
00:12:33,293 --> 00:12:34,702
- Yep, yep, yep.
- 100%.
244
00:12:34,737 --> 00:12:37,035
- No contest.
- Fine. Know what?
245
00:12:37,079 --> 00:12:39,429
You want him?
246
00:12:41,475 --> 00:12:44,173
Then come and get him!
247
00:12:44,216 --> 00:12:45,434
Boom! Wordplay!
248
00:12:45,435 --> 00:12:47,916
Now run, idiots!
249
00:12:53,313 --> 00:12:56,359
- So, was it weird?
- Probably.
250
00:12:56,403 --> 00:12:58,361
Wait, what are we talking about?
251
00:12:58,405 --> 00:13:00,929
You know, watching your alter ego
get eaten by a giant lizard.
252
00:13:00,972 --> 00:13:03,453
Please, if that guy
was really my alter ego, Lana,
253
00:13:03,497 --> 00:13:05,193
he would have been something
really cool,
254
00:13:05,194 --> 00:13:07,501
like a secret agent
or a private detective or a...
255
00:13:14,682 --> 00:13:17,684
Oh, my God!
You guys are alive!
256
00:13:17,685 --> 00:13:20,557
- Archer!
- Oh, God. Get it off.
257
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,123
And your hair!
258
00:13:22,124 --> 00:13:24,431
- Right?
- It's glorious!
259
00:13:24,474 --> 00:13:27,868
Aw. Wait a minute.
Doppelganger multiverse theory?
260
00:13:27,869 --> 00:13:32,003
- Exactly.
- And the rest of my crew's... dead?
261
00:13:32,047 --> 00:13:34,745
- Exactly.
- Oh, like you didn't kill them.
262
00:13:34,789 --> 00:13:35,789
What?
263
00:13:35,790 --> 00:13:37,574
Why would I ever do that, finally?
264
00:13:37,618 --> 00:13:38,618
- Right?
- Besides...
265
00:13:38,619 --> 00:13:41,970
You know what? What do you say
we take this half-assed reunionon
266
00:13:41,971 --> 00:13:45,321
the road before that tyrannosaurus
whatever shows up for seconds?
267
00:13:45,365 --> 00:13:46,626
- Fascinating.
- What?
268
00:13:46,627 --> 00:13:48,803
Our Lana had a lot of angry energy, too.
269
00:13:48,846 --> 00:13:51,632
- Ha! Hilarious.
- Oh, is it?
270
00:13:51,675 --> 00:13:53,634
And that was no
Tyrannosaurus rex you saw.
271
00:13:53,677 --> 00:13:57,376
I mean, unless a T. rexis
capable of camouflaging itself
272
00:13:57,377 --> 00:14:01,076
perfectly in any surroundings
with chameleon-like...
273
00:14:03,557 --> 00:14:06,429
Oh, shit.
It's right behind me, isn't it?
274
00:14:12,957 --> 00:14:17,614
So, how's that whole
blind luck thing working out?
275
00:14:19,877 --> 00:14:21,923
No! Me!
276
00:14:27,537 --> 00:14:28,755
You tell me.
277
00:14:37,982 --> 00:14:39,723
Uh, I mean, seriously, Lana,
278
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:42,291
at some point, you really got
to ask yourself...
279
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:45,418
- It's not the time.
- ...if maybe the luckiest spot
280
00:14:45,522 --> 00:14:48,689
in the galaxy
is standing right next to me.
281
00:14:48,732 --> 00:14:50,691
Got a whole bunch of wedding
photos that say otherwise.
282
00:14:50,734 --> 00:14:52,693
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
283
00:14:54,172 --> 00:14:55,869
We have wedding photos?
284
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:58,481
Oh, yeah. Big box of 'em
labeled "Cautionary Tale,"
285
00:14:58,525 --> 00:15:00,570
which is what this whole
thing's gonna turn into
286
00:15:00,614 --> 00:15:04,069
if we can't find our way
back to the ship.
287
00:15:04,313 --> 00:15:07,577
- How the hell?
- I've learned not to ask.
288
00:15:07,621 --> 00:15:09,536
Now, let's get the hell out of here.
289
00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,014
Wait, what are you talking
about? We can't just fly off.
290
00:15:11,015 --> 00:15:12,277
What? Then why have I been
291
00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:14,757
lugging this thing around
all this time?
292
00:15:14,758 --> 00:15:16,847
No. I mean
we can't just leave everyone.
293
00:15:16,891 --> 00:15:18,632
Of course we're not, Lana.
294
00:15:18,675 --> 00:15:21,417
Assuming they get here on time.
295
00:15:21,461 --> 00:15:23,636
- Wow. Such an asshole.
- What?
296
00:15:23,637 --> 00:15:26,640
Could you try not being
completely consumed with yourself
297
00:15:26,683 --> 00:15:30,948
- for once in your life?
- Why?
298
00:15:32,602 --> 00:15:34,778
Wait, I don't want
to go wandering around
299
00:15:34,822 --> 00:15:37,651
a man-eating jungle
and suddenly I'm the asshole?
300
00:15:37,694 --> 00:15:40,480
How does that even work?
301
00:15:43,221 --> 00:15:45,180
Oh, I know.
302
00:15:45,223 --> 00:15:47,530
Maybe I should shave my head
and take up poetry
303
00:15:47,574 --> 00:15:51,665
and see how many things I can
rhyme with "soul-sucking" and...
304
00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:54,189
Lana!
305
00:15:54,232 --> 00:15:57,148
Psst! Lana!
306
00:15:57,192 --> 00:15:58,933
What are you guys doing?
307
00:15:58,976 --> 00:16:02,153
Well,we were hiding from
that stupid, giant lizard thingy.
308
00:16:02,197 --> 00:16:04,808
But now, thanks
to your loud-as-shit ass...
309
00:16:04,852 --> 00:16:07,158
Not so much.
310
00:16:09,073 --> 00:16:12,912
- Holy...
- Shit. Oh, wait.
311
00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:16,994
Ow!
What are you doing, woman?!
312
00:16:17,038 --> 00:16:22,130
Besides pissing it off even more!
And totally killing our earballs!
313
00:16:22,173 --> 00:16:24,436
- What?
- See?!
314
00:16:25,612 --> 00:16:27,657
Goddamn it!
315
00:16:36,753 --> 00:16:38,799
Good God.
What the hell's it doing now?
316
00:16:38,842 --> 00:16:40,714
I don't know, moving on to plan B?
317
00:16:40,757 --> 00:16:44,065
Yeah, "B," as in "burying us alive!"
318
00:16:52,813 --> 00:16:55,466
Okay.
Who brought the dog?
319
00:17:03,693 --> 00:17:05,259
Damn it!
320
00:17:10,918 --> 00:17:12,440
No!
321
00:17:41,122 --> 00:17:44,995
Well, look who decided
not to be a total dick.
322
00:17:45,039 --> 00:17:47,650
Just couldn't leave
my buddy Cyril behind.
323
00:17:47,694 --> 00:17:50,173
- Wait, really?
- Of course not, idiot.
324
00:17:50,174 --> 00:17:53,656
And yet you had the time
to stop and make a cocktail.
325
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:56,659
God, you are
just so glass half-empty.
326
00:17:56,703 --> 00:18:00,743
Ooh, actually, me, too.
So just gonna freshen this up.
327
00:18:11,282 --> 00:18:13,894
Item one.
328
00:18:13,937 --> 00:18:15,896
- Item what?
- Yeah, what are we even doing?
329
00:18:15,939 --> 00:18:17,898
It's called an agenda.
330
00:18:17,941 --> 00:18:19,682
- For what?
- So confused right now.
331
00:18:19,726 --> 00:18:23,555
I swear, you people!
Item one.
332
00:18:23,599 --> 00:18:25,775
The insurance company
has officially deemed
333
00:18:25,819 --> 00:18:27,821
the Seamus II a total loss,
334
00:18:27,864 --> 00:18:32,260
so this little enterprise may
actually turn a profit this year.
335
00:18:32,303 --> 00:18:34,566
What are you talking about?
336
00:18:34,610 --> 00:18:36,830
- The other crew.
- Hang on. I thought those were
337
00:18:36,873 --> 00:18:38,832
our parallel universe doppel-bangers.
338
00:18:38,875 --> 00:18:42,357
Oh, for the love of...
Those were clones, you idiots.
339
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,360
I had you people cloned
in your sleep.
340
00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:47,797
- Why?
- To double productivity, dear.
341
00:18:47,841 --> 00:18:52,976
- It was Krieger's idea.
- Oh, did I obviously forget
342
00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:54,978
- to mention that?
- Yep.
343
00:18:55,022 --> 00:18:58,503
So wait till you see what we do
to you in your sleep.
344
00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:01,637
Now I'm a nine.
345
00:19:02,561 --> 00:19:07,343
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