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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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♪♪
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[MAN] Welcome to night one of the first
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- Democratic presidential debate.
- _
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[APPLAUSE]
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Good evening. I'm Lester Holt,
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the last living good man.
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Also joining me, Savannah Guthrie,
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Jose Diaz-Balart, Rachel
Maddow, and Chuck Todd,
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who, even next to 20
presidential candidates,
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seems like an ego-maniac.
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Hey, if everyone's saying
you're worse than shit,
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you're doin' something right.
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Let's meet the candidates.
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Audience, please withhold your
"Is this the best we can dos"
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until the end.
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Mayor, De Blasio.
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I'm Mayor Bill De Blasio,
and if I have one weakness,
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it's that I work too little.
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I'm Tim Ryan. I can't stop blinking.
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And every second feels like an hour.
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Julian Castro asked to
reserve his introduction time
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to later destroy Beto O'Rourke.
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- Wait, what?
- Senator Booker?
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I'm Cory Booker. If
you don't vote for me,
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I'll come to your home,
knock on your door,
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and ask, "Why not?"
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I'm Elizabeth Warren,
the healthy salad place
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that you should eat at,
but Chipotle is right there.
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I'm Beto O'Rourke. A bunch of people
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told me to run, and
I'm still not sure why.
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I'm Senator Amy Klobuchar,
and I'm not the monster...
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- ♪ OMINOUS MUSIC ♪
- my former assistants
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make me out to be.
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I actually have a lot of
[VOICE DEEPENS] good ideas.
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[SCREAMING] _
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_
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[MAN] Jesus Christ!
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[HOLT] And there's crazy Russian plant,
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possibly a retired
Canadian football player,
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and bald guy.
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I am so confident, I will
attempt to speak Spanish
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without ever having studied it.
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Estado unedos es moy bueno e guapo.
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You won, Julian. Now stop!
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Julian, even I think
you're being too harsh,
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and I once made an
intern swallow a battery.
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Oh, man! Everyone here is really smart.
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Jesus, I'm kicking everyone's ass,
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and I still can't stop shaking.
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Hey, whoever's in charge of the audio
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is definitely the
dumbest one here, right?
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He's gonna get the reputation
of being the dumb guy.
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No doubt about it.
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- [HOLT] Welcome to night 2.
- _
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Different ingredients, same
burrito you found in the trash.
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Let's meet the candidates.
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I'm Marianne Williamson,
and I want to be
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the first quack president
of the United States, baby.
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[HOLT] I think it's
safe to skip the next two
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unless the audience objects.
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Moving on.
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I'm Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
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I'm so committed to being
president that I've allowed
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my city to descend into
a den of racial animus.
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Shouldn't you go back there?
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Yeah, I'm gonna leave
Miami for South Bend.
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Oh-ho-kay, bitch.
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Please don't call me bitch.
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Vice President Biden?
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I promise that as president,
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no pile of shit will go un-stepped in.
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I'm Bernie Sanders.
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My first action as president
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will be to clean up the White House.
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Pine-Sol the floors, put
Formula 409 in the tubs,
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and Windex all the windows.
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You are not going to be able to breathe
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in there for a month!
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I'm Senator Kamala Harris.
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I have a black father, Indian mother,
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and I'm a women.
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I'm a tasty turkey leg in
a trap ready to catch Trump.
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Okay, let me see who's left.
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And we're good.
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Joe Biden, I'm gonna
bus you into the forest
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and leave you there.
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[SANDERS] Get him, Kamala!
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[BIDEN] All right, look, look, look.
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Look, look, look,
look, look. Folks, look.
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Oh, that's my time.
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[BUTTIGIEG] If you need
someone to calm tensions between
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Joe and Kamala, I am
[CHUCKLES] not the guy.
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[WILLIAMSON] Let's
focus on the real issue.
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A cat's in my car and
refuses to unlock the door.
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Why isn't anyone asking
Marianne Williamson's
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position on busing?
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[SANDERS] If Jane was
not in the picture,
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I would send a crystal
to Marianne Williamson
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with a note saying, "From
your secret admirer."
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Everybody come on out. Everyone.
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You too, Tim Ryan, let's go!
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I want each of you to listen to me.
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Next debate, you need to
get your shit together.
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You're running for president here.
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- [ALL] Sorry.
- Sorry, baby!
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[HOLT] It's okay. Joe,
I think we're good.
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If you want, we can all
pretend you never ran.
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Get you a nice podcast.
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[BIDEN] Are you kidding?
I'm setting myself up for 2024!
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From all of us here at
NBC News, God help us all.
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♪♪
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Karma isn't real, losers.
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Oh!
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♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
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♪ It's "Fox and Friends" ♪
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You're a good person,
so nothing you do is bad!
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- It's "Fox and Friends"!
- _
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Well, the the Intergovernmental Panel
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on Climate Change just
released another report
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saying climate change is real. What?!
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Climate change isn't real!
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I know because the mountain on my
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computer background is
still covered in snow.
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If the climate is changing,
how come every day this year
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has been the hottest one on record?
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Speaking of hotty-boom-bodies,
President Trump
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is delivering comments on
the climate report right now.
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Calm down. The Earth isn't heating up.
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The sun's just bloated from a big lunch.
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Mister President, why are you drenched?
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I just watched "The Perfect Storm".
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That's not how movies work.
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Fuck you!
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- Today was a hot one,
- _
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and that means President Trump
looked absolutely disgusting.
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[GROANS] According to sources,
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the sweat wanted to roll down his face,
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but there was just too
much sweat already there,
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so it retreated into his eardrums.
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Is President Swamp-ass
finally feeling the effects
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of climate change?
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You're...
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President...
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Swamp...
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Eh...
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It's too hot, forget it.
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[GROANS]
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What's your strategy
for the debate tonight?
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I'm thinking of jumping
on a bunch of stuff.
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I'm going to keep
announcing policies that
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for some reason people call unlikable.
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I'm just gonna say
what everyone else says,
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but vaguer and louder.
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That was my idea, fuck-nuts!
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Hey, who's that guy over there
whispering to his saltines?
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[GRUNTS]
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Pretty good. That's a good batch.
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- Oh, it's Bernie. Poor guy.
- [SIGHS] Yeah.
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- Yeah.
- Yeah.
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Isn't he a front runner?
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- That doesn't sound right.
- It's still early!
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Look, I feel bad for the old man.
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I mean, he's got to be, what,
ten months older than I am?
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I'll go keep him company.
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Hey, Bernie, what's shakin'?
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This economy is completely
rigged against working people.
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Jesus, save it for the debate.
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I'm sorry. It's just that the economy
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is completely tilted against
everyday working class...
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Just hey, why don't
you come hang with us?
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Cory's showing us a
picture of his girlfriend,
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and, I swear to God, it's
the first Google result
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for "hot girlfriend."
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Uh, I don't belong over there
with you combed-hair types.
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You're a front runner, Bernie.
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Maybe it's time to
start looking the part.
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Get a haircut, buy a suit
you didn't find in a railyard,
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scrape off the lozenges
stuck to your necktie.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I would, but I have to
do my pre-debate ritual
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where I go through all 75
punch cards in my wallet.
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Yesus H. Kripes.
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♪♪
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Has anyone seen the President?
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- No.
- Nope.
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[PANTING]
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I thought it might be
cooler under the table,
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but Pompeo's ankles
are like space heaters.
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Hey, is global warming real,
or is it just a scary story
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you tell your kids so they
ask to sleep at their mom's?
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Unlike my shit wife's
"film career", it's real.
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Okay, who doesn't believe
global warming is real?
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So, the four dumbest people in the room?
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Okay, it's real.
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Oh, what's the difference?
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By the time it kicks in,
we'll be dead or living in
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space mansions having zero
gravity bunga bunga parties.
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How would you get enough
leverage to perform?
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Velcro, you idiot.
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You think I didn't think of that?!
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Let him go. It's not worth it.
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[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYS]
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Oh! The ice cream truck!
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Oh, thank God!
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[CACKLES]
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Ice Cream! Huh?
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- [STEREO CLICKS, MUSIC STOPS]
- Hello, Donald.
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Mad Dog Mattis? Sad Dog McMaster?
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00:07:30,966 --> 00:07:33,143
Third Dog Kelly? What are doing here?
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We hit save on our
tell-alls to warn you about
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the biggest threat to
our national security.
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Dashboard hula girls coming to life
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and yanking your steering
wheel into a ravine?
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Climate change.
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Oceans are rising, and, had you listened
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to briefings, you'd know
naval bases are on the water.
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And if troops launching
World War Three while wearing
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00:07:51,843 --> 00:07:54,888
water wingies doesn't trouble
you, take a look at this.
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[BEEPING] What's that...
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a big sweet roll?
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That, sir, is your face.
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If global warming continues
at its current rate,
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here it is in five years.
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Ten years. And twenty years.
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Aah! My face!
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00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,301
I'd only be body-hot!
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Sir, if you don't do something
about climate change and fast,
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you will be the most uncomfortable,
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00:08:12,530 --> 00:08:14,584
disgusting person on
the face of this Earth.
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More disgusting than...
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Chris Christie, yes,
even Chris Christie.
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♪♪
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I'm Chuck Todd, and NBC
won't give me a parking space.
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Tonight, the Democratic
candidates compete to represent
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the party against
President Donald Trump.
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They will be given one minute
to spout poll-tested buzzwords
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that I will give zero pushback on.
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Let's meet the candidates.
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[COUGHS]
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Sorry I am late.
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I left my ThinkPad at the pharmacy.
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00:08:39,723 --> 00:08:41,099
Hey! Pump your brakes, chief.
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This is for presidential
candidates only.
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00:08:43,013 --> 00:08:46,605
Hello, operator, I am
a presidential candidate.
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Yeah, there's no way a
presidential candidate
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has relish on his shirt.
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That's why I went to the pharmacy,
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to get a new shirt.
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[TODD] And please welcome
the Senator from Vermont.
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You know this guy... Bernie Sanders.
252
00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:58,956
That's me! Now you let me on that stage,
253
00:08:58,981 --> 00:09:01,253
or you're getting a
knuckle sandwich, pal,
254
00:09:01,278 --> 00:09:02,677
heavy on the relish.
255
00:09:02,702 --> 00:09:04,601
Senator Bernie Sanders? Is he here?
256
00:09:04,859 --> 00:09:07,515
He's probably at home
watching the movie,
257
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,517
"The Socialism Network".
258
00:09:09,542 --> 00:09:10,672
[AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]
259
00:09:10,697 --> 00:09:11,730
Sorry.
260
00:09:11,755 --> 00:09:13,655
[SIREN WAILS] I know
why you're doing this!
261
00:09:13,757 --> 00:09:17,625
Because there's a profit
motive in our prison system!
262
00:09:19,239 --> 00:09:20,372
Watcha doing, Dad?
263
00:09:20,397 --> 00:09:23,017
Thinking about how freaking
huge Andre the Giant was?
264
00:09:23,042 --> 00:09:25,943
I'm just thinking about how
to combat climate change...
265
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:28,925
and I do my best thinking
sitting in an idling car
266
00:09:28,950 --> 00:09:30,715
inside an idling plane...
267
00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:32,136
on an idling boat.
268
00:09:32,161 --> 00:09:33,653
- [BOAT HORN BLOWS]
- I don't know if I can
269
00:09:33,677 --> 00:09:34,909
solve this issue.
270
00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:37,646
There's no easy fix like
running a full page ad
271
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:39,791
saying climate change
should get the death penalty.
272
00:09:39,816 --> 00:09:41,636
When you're not feeling up to it,
273
00:09:41,661 --> 00:09:45,478
remember that you're doing
it for the next generation.
274
00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:48,008
Oh, no, I'm doing this
for something important...
275
00:09:48,033 --> 00:09:50,066
me feeling slightly more comfortable.
276
00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:52,326
Right, but you're also
doing it for your children.
277
00:09:52,351 --> 00:09:54,113
You're putting words in my mouth.
278
00:09:54,138 --> 00:09:55,872
Just say, "You can do it, Dad."
279
00:09:55,897 --> 00:09:57,662
- You can do it, Dad!
- You can do it, Dad!
280
00:09:57,687 --> 00:09:59,052
He's totally doing it for us.
281
00:09:59,077 --> 00:10:00,143
No, I'm not!
282
00:10:00,168 --> 00:10:01,602
- [ANNOUNCER] And now, a message from
- _
283
00:10:01,626 --> 00:10:03,422
the President of the United States.
284
00:10:03,447 --> 00:10:08,065
My fellow overheated Americans,
for years, the party I hijacked
285
00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:11,190
as a vanity project refused
to accept the science
286
00:10:11,215 --> 00:10:12,690
behind global warming.
287
00:10:12,715 --> 00:10:15,663
Today, that changes
because I've been getting
288
00:10:15,688 --> 00:10:18,704
really frickin' sweaty,
and I'm sick of it!
289
00:10:18,729 --> 00:10:21,162
Okay, let's go to our first caller.
290
00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:23,009
We don't have callers?
291
00:10:23,034 --> 00:10:24,600
That's a mistake!
292
00:10:25,260 --> 00:10:28,787
I'm here with volatile
tech-freak Elon Musk
293
00:10:28,812 --> 00:10:32,752
to encourage all Americans
to embrace electric vehicles.
294
00:10:32,777 --> 00:10:35,511
Come on, let's take a look inside!
295
00:10:35,613 --> 00:10:36,913
Oh, sorry for the mess.
296
00:10:36,938 --> 00:10:38,738
You can push the cups out of the way.
297
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,304
- [TRASH CLATTERS]
- Wow, folks!
298
00:10:40,329 --> 00:10:42,095
You can see right through the glass!
299
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,487
Now, why isn't it going
vroom, vroom, vroom?
300
00:10:44,512 --> 00:10:46,199
This is an electric car.
301
00:10:46,224 --> 00:10:47,958
It's just as fast as a gas one,
302
00:10:47,983 --> 00:10:50,850
but even more future and cool
for me. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
303
00:10:50,875 --> 00:10:53,212
Whoa, no stops at gas stations?
304
00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:56,030
That's the best part.
You pick up a Gatorade,
305
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:59,219
off-brand gummy worms in
a bag sealed with a staple,
306
00:10:59,244 --> 00:11:01,727
squeeze by a rack of dirty
sodas to hit the john.
307
00:11:01,752 --> 00:11:03,827
You can still go to the
gas station to get, like,
308
00:11:03,852 --> 00:11:07,141
a Sprite or lighter to
light your cannabis joints.
309
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,625
Forget it. Let me know when you
310
00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:11,804
crack the code on
gas-powered electric cars.
311
00:11:11,829 --> 00:11:13,261
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
312
00:11:14,686 --> 00:11:16,485
This old vagrant says he knows you.
313
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,329
Sorry for not calling ahead.
314
00:11:18,354 --> 00:11:20,813
My assistant's getting her hip replaced.
315
00:11:20,915 --> 00:11:23,176
So you need my help
to improve your look?
316
00:11:23,201 --> 00:11:25,700
You always look so handsome,
317
00:11:25,725 --> 00:11:27,263
and I look like a ragamuffin.
318
00:11:27,288 --> 00:11:30,810
Meals on Wheels won't stop
chasing my campaign bus.
319
00:11:30,835 --> 00:11:34,424
Hmmm, in 2024, it would be
easier to beat a socialist
320
00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:36,649
than a political dynamo
like Julian Castro.
321
00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:39,658
Heh? You have to speak at
90 decibels into this ear
322
00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:40,763
at this angle.
323
00:11:40,788 --> 00:11:42,221
Uh, sure, I'll help you.
324
00:11:42,246 --> 00:11:43,812
Looking classy is simple.
325
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,392
Every equinox, I
re-lacquer my whole body
326
00:11:46,417 --> 00:11:48,183
and induce a coma so I get five weeks
327
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,673
of rejuvenating bedrest.
328
00:11:49,698 --> 00:11:50,930
You sleep in a bed?
329
00:11:50,955 --> 00:11:54,200
Not three mismatched sofa
cushions laid end to end?
330
00:11:54,225 --> 00:11:57,269
Right. I also rotate my
teeth every 6,000 bites.
331
00:11:57,294 --> 00:11:59,094
Slow down, Jesse Owens.
332
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,217
I gotta take some notes
here on my ThinkPad.
333
00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:02,808
[THINKPAD WHIRRING]
334
00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,866
God damnit, it's still updating.
335
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,791
Gonna be about 300 minutes.
336
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:07,960
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
337
00:12:08,062 --> 00:12:10,250
The meat people are
making the planet hot,
338
00:12:10,275 --> 00:12:13,698
so I need the country to
stop eating cows nose to anus
339
00:12:13,723 --> 00:12:15,422
and start eating veggie burgers.
340
00:12:15,447 --> 00:12:18,133
Cory Booker just showed up
because he's a vegetarian.
341
00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:20,492
Actually, I'm a vegan,
and it would be unethical
342
00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:23,051
to not support the President's
leadership on this issue.
343
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,742
As Gandhi once said...
344
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,398
Always with the Mahatma!
345
00:12:26,423 --> 00:12:27,889
Let's get this over with.
346
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:31,215
[MUNCHING]
347
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:33,361
What is happening?!
348
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,306
- [SCREAMING]
- Oh, my...
349
00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:37,265
Aaaaah!
350
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,023
[SCREAMS]
351
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:40,492
[SCREAMS]
352
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:41,594
[GASPS]
353
00:12:41,888 --> 00:12:44,054
Uh, side-table burger...
354
00:12:44,079 --> 00:12:47,213
I had a terrible dream I
had to talk to Cory Booker.
355
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,796
[SANDERS] ♪ One percent of one
percent of one percent ♪
356
00:12:49,821 --> 00:12:52,622
♪ of one percent of one
percent of one percent of one ♪
357
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:53,647
♪ Percent of one ♪
358
00:12:53,672 --> 00:12:55,472
[HACKING]
359
00:12:55,497 --> 00:12:57,972
Sorry, doctor says
the mucus is too close
360
00:12:57,997 --> 00:12:59,730
to my heart so they can't operate.
361
00:12:59,755 --> 00:13:00,964
On the trail, you're...
362
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,100
♪ One percent of one percent of ♪
363
00:13:02,124 --> 00:13:03,256
[SNAPS] Bernie, listen!
364
00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,135
It's important to show
voters that you don't
365
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,460
eat every meal with a spoon.
366
00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:09,997
Obviously, I can still eat
sandwiches with a spoon.
367
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,932
You are one odd-duck animal.
368
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,098
The next thing is you need
to pull back the accent.
369
00:13:14,123 --> 00:13:15,503
Just talk like a computer.
370
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,347
I told you the god damn
thing is still updating!
371
00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:19,551
- [THINKPAD WHIRRING]
- Why is it so hot?!
372
00:13:19,575 --> 00:13:21,896
Here's the key. Just be agreeable.
373
00:13:21,921 --> 00:13:23,691
Stop saying what you think
374
00:13:23,716 --> 00:13:26,380
and start saying what
they think back to them.
375
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:28,691
So I should stop cutting off everyone
376
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,583
mid-sentence to shout, "You're wrong!"
377
00:13:30,608 --> 00:13:32,997
Ah, fine, but if this goes kaput,
378
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:35,022
I get all the fruit in your fridge.
379
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:36,579
♪♪
380
00:13:37,151 --> 00:13:38,984
Huh. I wonder who sent
a soaking wet package
381
00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:40,036
from the White House.
382
00:13:40,061 --> 00:13:41,094
- Aah!
- Aah!
383
00:13:41,119 --> 00:13:43,997
I can't eat anymore of
those goddamn peanuts!
384
00:13:44,022 --> 00:13:45,641
I can't be seen with you!
385
00:13:45,666 --> 00:13:47,600
Quick, put a tailored women's blazer on.
386
00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:49,246
No one can find out we met,
387
00:13:49,271 --> 00:13:51,215
or Hannity will die of a broken heart.
388
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,972
I'm embracing the green lifestyle,
389
00:13:52,997 --> 00:13:54,494
and my body is rejecting it
390
00:13:54,519 --> 00:13:56,121
like the fiftieth packing peanut.
391
00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:57,146
How do you do it?
392
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,342
I don't live that green a lifestyle.
393
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,581
I eat burgers, ride in SUVs.
394
00:14:01,606 --> 00:14:03,493
You two-faced hypocrite!
395
00:14:03,518 --> 00:14:05,985
You're probably not even
committing white genocide.
396
00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:08,536
I promise I'm committing white genocide.
397
00:14:08,561 --> 00:14:11,167
I just recognize that it
takes collective action
398
00:14:11,192 --> 00:14:13,269
to move the needle on climate change.
399
00:14:13,294 --> 00:14:15,067
So I can live my life
400
00:14:15,092 --> 00:14:16,873
while still supporting
the Green New Deal.
401
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,631
You're saying I can cool the planet,
402
00:14:18,656 --> 00:14:21,223
solve my sweating problem,
and I don't have to give up
403
00:14:21,248 --> 00:14:22,714
my natural spring water toilet?
404
00:14:22,739 --> 00:14:24,293
♪♪
405
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:27,073
I am supporting the Green New Deal,
406
00:14:27,098 --> 00:14:30,732
which will halt global warming,
watershed moment,
407
00:14:30,757 --> 00:14:33,255
blah, blah, blah, and, most importantly,
408
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,958
stop forcing me to change my
undershirt every three hours
409
00:14:36,983 --> 00:14:39,818
because it turned from
white to canary yellow.
410
00:14:39,843 --> 00:14:43,301
And I was just about to
support the Green New Deal!
411
00:14:43,326 --> 00:14:45,517
- We both know that's a lie.
- Okay.
412
00:14:45,542 --> 00:14:47,992
There's no way any Republican
will go along with this.
413
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,485
Climate change is real, and
it's all our fault, folks.
414
00:14:50,510 --> 00:14:52,185
- Thousands of scientists are saying it.
- _
415
00:14:52,209 --> 00:14:54,710
If that many scientists told
me to stop resting my head
416
00:14:54,735 --> 00:14:57,914
behind tires I would, but
so far only three have.
417
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,459
It feels weird to support the
president and Mark Ruffalo.
418
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:02,641
I feel like I'm speeding
down the highway in reverse.
419
00:15:02,666 --> 00:15:05,444
We all knew one day the
president would save the planet.
420
00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:07,746
- But I assumed he'd do it by piloting
- _
421
00:15:07,771 --> 00:15:09,982
the Statue of Liberty
right into an alien
422
00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:11,232
spaceship's landing dock.
423
00:15:11,257 --> 00:15:13,357
He's a god, Hannity!
424
00:15:13,382 --> 00:15:16,456
Tie my shoes together,
push me down an escalator,
425
00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:19,015
and let me assist him from the clouds.
426
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,606
I am done here!
427
00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:22,995
Ha! I was right.
428
00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:25,950
There was no way Bernie
Sanders was showing up
429
00:15:25,975 --> 00:15:28,372
to a pharmaceutical industry mixer.
430
00:15:28,397 --> 00:15:30,512
Just be patient. He said he'd be here.
431
00:15:30,537 --> 00:15:32,303
I'm not waiting here any longer.
432
00:15:32,328 --> 00:15:35,350
The CEO of Pfizer is
drunkenly playing hacky sack
433
00:15:35,375 --> 00:15:36,407
with his checkbook.
434
00:15:36,432 --> 00:15:38,717
[MAN] Ladies and gentleman,
the honorable Senator
435
00:15:38,742 --> 00:15:40,478
from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.
436
00:15:40,503 --> 00:15:41,735
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
437
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,416
He's gorgeous!
438
00:15:43,441 --> 00:15:45,637
Senator... you look beautiful.
439
00:15:45,662 --> 00:15:47,604
Yeah, sure. Please tell me my table
440
00:15:47,629 --> 00:15:49,620
is not where the air is blowing.
441
00:15:49,645 --> 00:15:51,922
It dries up my gums, and I can't eat.
442
00:15:51,947 --> 00:15:55,133
Remember, be agreeable and
say what they want to hear.
443
00:15:55,158 --> 00:15:57,025
Shall we?
444
00:15:58,354 --> 00:16:00,675
I mean, we got to split
up these tech companies.
445
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:03,348
Kids... they need to stop
watching "The Social Network"
446
00:16:03,373 --> 00:16:05,846
and start watching
"The Socialism Network".
447
00:16:05,871 --> 00:16:06,871
[CLEARS THROAT]
448
00:16:06,896 --> 00:16:08,816
Yeah, how's it feel? Sucks, huh?
449
00:16:08,841 --> 00:16:11,709
This Green New Deal has
been driving me bananas.
450
00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:12,843
What's more pressing,
451
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:15,757
human extinction or bipartisan civility?
452
00:16:15,782 --> 00:16:17,514
Scientists say we have 12 years before
453
00:16:17,539 --> 00:16:19,693
humanity is wiped out,
so what's the rush?
454
00:16:19,718 --> 00:16:20,983
That's three Olympics away!
455
00:16:21,008 --> 00:16:22,776
Bernie, what do you think?
456
00:16:22,878 --> 00:16:24,732
[ROMNEY] Be agreeable.
457
00:16:24,757 --> 00:16:26,190
Hmm...
458
00:16:26,215 --> 00:16:28,836
And for Pete's sake, taste
your food before you salt it.
459
00:16:28,861 --> 00:16:31,162
That way you know if it even needs salt.
460
00:16:31,187 --> 00:16:33,207
I agree with you guys.
461
00:16:33,232 --> 00:16:34,496
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
462
00:16:34,521 --> 00:16:38,345
The private sector is
perfectly capable of...
463
00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:40,304
s-solving climate change.
464
00:16:40,329 --> 00:16:41,672
- Uh-huh!
- Uh-huh!
465
00:16:41,697 --> 00:16:43,984
I was just about to
say what Bernie said.
466
00:16:44,009 --> 00:16:46,109
Shut up, Cory. Bernie, I must say,
467
00:16:46,134 --> 00:16:48,663
you keep this up, the Democratic Party
468
00:16:48,688 --> 00:16:51,191
might just have to
board this crazy train.
469
00:16:51,216 --> 00:16:52,482
I'll toast to that.
470
00:16:52,507 --> 00:16:53,617
- To Bernie!
- To Bernie!
471
00:16:53,642 --> 00:16:55,842
♪♪
472
00:16:55,867 --> 00:16:57,787
I'd also like to toast to Bernie.
473
00:16:57,812 --> 00:17:00,762
Cory, you know when someone
wants something so bad
474
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,193
so that's the only reason
you don't give it to them?
475
00:17:03,218 --> 00:17:04,484
♪♪
476
00:17:04,586 --> 00:17:07,754
90 degrees yesterday, 80 degrees today.
477
00:17:07,779 --> 00:17:10,033
Should be a breezy 70 by tomorrow,
478
00:17:10,058 --> 00:17:12,015
then we can shitcan this Green New Deal.
479
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,903
Good news, President
Awesome, the G-20 nations
480
00:17:14,928 --> 00:17:17,822
are putting together a
ceremony in your honor.
481
00:17:17,847 --> 00:17:20,337
I'm not surprised. Has
anyone in world history
482
00:17:20,362 --> 00:17:22,478
done more to solve
their sweating problem?
483
00:17:22,503 --> 00:17:26,892
And there's two young men
who'd like to say "thank you".
484
00:17:26,917 --> 00:17:30,886
Come on in guys. Don't be shy.
485
00:17:30,911 --> 00:17:33,222
"Dear Mister President,"
486
00:17:33,247 --> 00:17:35,879
thank you for stopping global warming.
487
00:17:35,904 --> 00:17:37,537
You are a good president.
488
00:17:37,562 --> 00:17:40,221
Did you always want to be president?
489
00:17:40,246 --> 00:17:42,197
Love, Donald Junior Trump.
490
00:17:42,222 --> 00:17:44,490
"P.S. What time is it there?"
491
00:17:44,515 --> 00:17:46,579
- "Dear Mister Pres..."
- Shut the hell up, Eric.
492
00:17:46,604 --> 00:17:48,256
Kellyanne, what is this?
493
00:17:48,281 --> 00:17:50,915
You put future generations
ahead of yourself,
494
00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:53,752
and now every child will
want to hug your leg.
495
00:17:53,777 --> 00:17:54,942
Yaayyy.
496
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:56,200
♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC ♪
497
00:17:56,225 --> 00:18:00,482
The most important policy
we can have is unity.
498
00:18:00,507 --> 00:18:03,979
Now I can take a few questions,
but, please, don't get too close
499
00:18:04,004 --> 00:18:06,164
to the Mic. That foam
thing's a Petri dish.
500
00:18:06,189 --> 00:18:09,123
[MAN] Hey, why'd you say
all that lame stuff on tape?
501
00:18:09,148 --> 00:18:10,235
- Yeah!
- That sucked!
502
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,693
What are these kids talking about?
503
00:18:11,718 --> 00:18:12,850
They're supposed to like me.
504
00:18:14,108 --> 00:18:18,377
And another thing. 99% of Americans
505
00:18:18,402 --> 00:18:21,963
are dependent upon government
and believe that they are
506
00:18:21,988 --> 00:18:24,571
entitled to healthcare,
food, pre-schools
507
00:18:24,596 --> 00:18:27,152
not owned by Walmart, you name it.
508
00:18:27,177 --> 00:18:28,477
- Yeah!
- You said it, Bernie!
509
00:18:28,502 --> 00:18:32,223
If you don't make $150,000 a year,
510
00:18:32,248 --> 00:18:35,075
you should not be allowed to vote.
511
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,067
[CROWD CHANTING] Bernie! Bernie!
512
00:18:37,092 --> 00:18:39,453
I agree with what Bernie said.
513
00:18:39,478 --> 00:18:41,231
Shut up, Cory!
514
00:18:41,256 --> 00:18:42,956
What the hell was I thinking?
515
00:18:42,981 --> 00:18:45,426
I got applause from one
guy without a man bun,
516
00:18:45,451 --> 00:18:47,116
and I just went nuts.
517
00:18:48,011 --> 00:18:50,099
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Don't come in here unless
518
00:18:50,132 --> 00:18:53,176
you're Scott Baio with a trench
coat full of cool watches.
519
00:18:53,201 --> 00:18:54,201
Are you okay?
520
00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:55,637
Did you remember that you accidentally
521
00:18:55,661 --> 00:18:58,026
kept the XFL offices
operational ten years
522
00:18:58,051 --> 00:18:59,250
after the league folded?
523
00:18:59,275 --> 00:19:01,942
It's cool outside, but
I still started sweating.
524
00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:03,522
How is that possible?
525
00:19:03,547 --> 00:19:05,280
Sometimes we start sweating because of
526
00:19:05,305 --> 00:19:06,455
our feelings on the inside.
527
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,480
Not me, of course.
528
00:19:07,505 --> 00:19:08,950
I've scooped those
out like pumpkin guts.
529
00:19:08,974 --> 00:19:11,787
Tell me how to control
my feelings on the inside.
530
00:19:11,812 --> 00:19:12,826
I beg you!
531
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,510
- So, uh...
- Uhhh...
532
00:19:14,535 --> 00:19:17,052
You can control your feelings...
533
00:19:17,077 --> 00:19:19,577
With this magic...
534
00:19:19,602 --> 00:19:20,701
Chandelier!
535
00:19:22,184 --> 00:19:23,484
Great. How's it work?
536
00:19:23,509 --> 00:19:25,392
Uh, whenever you're
feeling worried, just...
537
00:19:25,417 --> 00:19:26,444
Shake it!
538
00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:28,187
You guys are life savers.
539
00:19:28,212 --> 00:19:30,626
Can someone get some
chandelier clippers?
540
00:19:31,974 --> 00:19:34,774
I'm ruined, and it's all your fault!
541
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:35,938
Hold on there, Mister.
542
00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:37,163
Everything you said was right.
543
00:19:37,188 --> 00:19:39,163
The only thing you left
out is that people who own
544
00:19:39,188 --> 00:19:41,190
fewer than five horses
should be sterilized.
545
00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:43,949
I don't believe that,
and the only reason I said
546
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:47,430
any of those things was
because of your bad influence.
547
00:19:47,455 --> 00:19:49,198
Dad, is everything all right?
548
00:19:49,223 --> 00:19:52,225
I heard loud voices
like in a gangster film!
549
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,682
Of course it is, Tagg.
550
00:19:53,707 --> 00:19:55,725
Daddy and Uncle Bernie are just talking.
551
00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:57,983
Your daddy is a real piece of shit.
552
00:19:58,008 --> 00:19:59,708
Holy Store Brand Baloney!
553
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:01,182
Bernie, it's time to leave.
554
00:20:01,207 --> 00:20:03,358
Tagg, please walk
Bernie down the stairs,
555
00:20:03,383 --> 00:20:05,015
through the library, past the kitchen,
556
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,974
around the second kitchen, past the spa,
557
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:09,633
down the steps, through
the garden to his car.
558
00:20:10,141 --> 00:20:12,141
_
559
00:20:12,172 --> 00:20:14,672
_
560
00:20:14,696 --> 00:20:19,396
_
561
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:20,585
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
562
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:24,011
As long as I have the
chandelier, I'll be fine.
563
00:20:24,113 --> 00:20:26,433
[ANNOUNCER] And now children from around
564
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:30,084
the world unite in song
in honor of Mr. Trump.
565
00:20:30,186 --> 00:20:31,519
[MAN] Oh, yes!
566
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,742
♪ If we want to save the world ♪
567
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,634
- ♪ And for Mother Earth's health ♪
- _
568
00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:36,936
♪ We must think of the children ♪
569
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,059
[GLASS CLINKS]
570
00:20:38,161 --> 00:20:39,948
♪ Instead of ourselves ♪
571
00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:41,850
♪ So let's start riding bikes ♪
572
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,986
♪ And stop private planes ♪
573
00:20:44,011 --> 00:20:46,177
♪ And recycle our plastics ♪
574
00:20:46,202 --> 00:20:48,112
♪ To cut down on waste ♪
575
00:20:48,137 --> 00:20:50,125
♪ And we'll wash our own clothes ♪
576
00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:52,283
♪ And we'll eat meat-free meals ♪
577
00:20:52,308 --> 00:20:53,907
♪ And we'll grow our own kale ♪
578
00:20:53,932 --> 00:20:55,354
I'm flying back to the White House
579
00:20:55,378 --> 00:20:57,188
to pack up my shit before he gets back.
580
00:20:57,213 --> 00:20:59,467
Excuse me, pardon me, out of my way!
581
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,159
I'll strike you in the throat!
582
00:21:01,184 --> 00:21:04,551
♪ So think of the children
instead of yourselves ♪
583
00:21:04,653 --> 00:21:07,085
Stttooopppp!
584
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,210
Shut up! Shut Up!
585
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,269
I don't care about you kids.
586
00:21:11,294 --> 00:21:14,248
I care about my skin not
making a peeling sound
587
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,562
every time I get out of a leather chair!
588
00:21:16,587 --> 00:21:18,553
I'm pulling out of the Green New Deal!
589
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,143
- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
- Oh, no!
590
00:21:20,168 --> 00:21:22,746
I'm replacing it with the Green No Deal!
591
00:21:22,771 --> 00:21:24,737
If you're not blowtorching
your way through
592
00:21:24,762 --> 00:21:27,827
Glacier National Park, we're
gonna bury you underground
593
00:21:27,852 --> 00:21:29,122
until you're coal.
594
00:21:29,147 --> 00:21:31,589
Enjoy the heat!
595
00:21:31,614 --> 00:21:32,614
[THUDS, AUDIENCE GASPS]
596
00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:34,748
[LAUGHTER]
597
00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:39,537
- After President Trump fell unconscious,
- _
598
00:21:39,562 --> 00:21:42,222
the deeply offended
G-20 leaders cheered on
599
00:21:42,247 --> 00:21:44,579
the children as they
drew messages of hope
600
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,010
on the President's face.
601
00:21:46,035 --> 00:21:48,302
The president's sweat
caused the ink to run,
602
00:21:48,327 --> 00:21:51,328
so they all agreed to
tattoo the images instead.
603
00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:52,418
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
604
00:21:52,443 --> 00:21:53,443
- Bernie!
- Mr. Sanders!
605
00:21:53,468 --> 00:21:54,634
- What were you thinking?
- Is this the end
606
00:21:54,658 --> 00:21:55,687
of your campaign?
607
00:21:55,712 --> 00:21:57,771
If it is, I will retire
608
00:21:57,796 --> 00:22:01,013
and make it my duty to
tell people on ferries
609
00:22:01,038 --> 00:22:02,519
not to lean on the railings.
610
00:22:02,544 --> 00:22:05,945
There's nothing you can't see
if you take one step back, folks.
611
00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:07,802
- Bernie!
- Bernie!
612
00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:10,711
You're pretty lucky your
son has extensive experience
613
00:22:10,736 --> 00:22:12,896
getting tattoos of dicks
removed from his face.
614
00:22:12,921 --> 00:22:14,843
Boys, the Green New Deal is toast,
615
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:16,923
and my face is melting like butter.
616
00:22:16,948 --> 00:22:19,969
Maybe you can put the
butter on the toast?
617
00:22:19,994 --> 00:22:22,116
Eric, we're gonna go
ahead and reinstate that
618
00:22:22,141 --> 00:22:23,507
"one sentence per day" policy.
619
00:22:23,532 --> 00:22:26,065
I need to stop sweating,
but I want to do it
620
00:22:26,090 --> 00:22:28,531
without leaving even a
single scrap of planet
621
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:29,857
for the next generation.
622
00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:31,916
Wait a second. Does the Green New Deal
623
00:22:31,941 --> 00:22:33,792
specify how the money is allocated?
624
00:22:33,817 --> 00:22:35,415
Don, it's a spending bill.
625
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,440
It's like the government
passed out in a whorehouse
626
00:22:37,465 --> 00:22:40,112
and everyone has until daylight
to root through its pockets.
627
00:22:41,649 --> 00:22:42,682
[GRUNTS]
628
00:22:42,784 --> 00:22:45,727
The one day I forget my tailbone pillow.
629
00:22:45,752 --> 00:22:47,819
Room for one more human man?
630
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:50,044
[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm sorry about what
631
00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:52,168
I said, Mitt, and for calling you
632
00:22:52,193 --> 00:22:54,171
a piece of blue-blood shit
in front of your son, Tagg.
633
00:22:54,195 --> 00:22:56,234
[SIGHS] His bedwetting has returned,
634
00:22:56,259 --> 00:22:58,394
but luckily we never took
off the plastic sheets.
635
00:22:58,419 --> 00:22:59,585
How do I do it, Mitt?
636
00:22:59,610 --> 00:23:02,911
How do I look like a nominee
and stay true to myself?
637
00:23:02,936 --> 00:23:04,880
You know, when I was
governor of Massachusetts,
638
00:23:04,905 --> 00:23:07,593
I betrayed my principles
when I passed Romneycare.
639
00:23:07,618 --> 00:23:09,718
Sure, it guaranteed our
residents would never die
640
00:23:09,743 --> 00:23:11,114
due to lack of health insurance,
641
00:23:11,139 --> 00:23:13,340
but it nearly killed
my presidential chances.
642
00:23:13,365 --> 00:23:15,968
I vowed to never betray
my principles again,
643
00:23:15,993 --> 00:23:17,514
and look at me now.
644
00:23:17,539 --> 00:23:20,039
I won the Senate Punctuality Award.
645
00:23:20,064 --> 00:23:22,140
Well, I shared it with
John Thune, but still.
646
00:23:22,165 --> 00:23:23,165
[THUDDING IN DISTANCE]
647
00:23:23,190 --> 00:23:25,811
What in General Mills'
Rice Chex was that?
648
00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:27,336
Thank God you heard that, too.
649
00:23:27,361 --> 00:23:29,928
I thought my sinuses collapsed again.
650
00:23:30,108 --> 00:23:32,141
[DONALD JR.] Thanks to
that Green New Deal cash,
651
00:23:32,166 --> 00:23:34,387
this mega air-conditioning
unit will cool
652
00:23:34,412 --> 00:23:36,312
the entire White House grounds.
653
00:23:36,337 --> 00:23:39,324
Whether inside or outside,
you shalt not sweat.
654
00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:40,716
You forgot the best part.
655
00:23:40,741 --> 00:23:42,540
It's terrible for the environment.
656
00:23:42,565 --> 00:23:44,644
A/C begins in three...
657
00:23:44,669 --> 00:23:47,469
- [WHIRRING]
- ... two... one.
658
00:23:47,914 --> 00:23:51,950
♪♪
659
00:23:52,052 --> 00:23:56,087
♪♪
660
00:23:56,189 --> 00:23:59,367
Should we be worried about
that plume of CO2 gas?
661
00:23:59,392 --> 00:24:01,965
In my experience, nothing
bad's ever happened
662
00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:03,756
involving the word "plume".
663
00:24:03,781 --> 00:24:04,862
_
664
00:24:04,887 --> 00:24:06,887
You're watching a massive
air-conditioning unit
665
00:24:06,912 --> 00:24:08,959
cool the White House
as it shoots deadly gas
666
00:24:08,984 --> 00:24:10,078
- into the atmosphere.
- _
667
00:24:10,103 --> 00:24:13,202
Meanwhile, the average global
temperature is already rising.
668
00:24:13,227 --> 00:24:14,239
Bad news day.
669
00:24:14,264 --> 00:24:16,123
But let's get to the important point.
670
00:24:16,148 --> 00:24:19,629
How will horses dying en masse
affect the electoral horse race?
671
00:24:19,654 --> 00:24:22,557
Coming up, analysis from a
former Reagan speechwriter.
672
00:24:22,582 --> 00:24:23,858
[SANDERS] Oh, no.
673
00:24:23,883 --> 00:24:26,637
If it gets too hot, my
tomato plants are done for.
674
00:24:26,662 --> 00:24:30,098
Alright, I'm gonna go
stop that air conditioner.
675
00:24:30,123 --> 00:24:33,434
Give me some of your pomade
so I can get past security.
676
00:24:33,459 --> 00:24:35,503
Bernie, you don't need that pomade.
677
00:24:35,528 --> 00:24:37,072
You've demonstrated
that you can hang with
678
00:24:37,096 --> 00:24:39,851
the mainstream political
class by hanging with me,
679
00:24:39,876 --> 00:24:41,809
a quarter billionaire whose religion
680
00:24:41,834 --> 00:24:43,588
was invented after baseball.
681
00:24:43,613 --> 00:24:44,646
You be yourself.
682
00:24:44,671 --> 00:24:46,236
I'll help you get through security.
683
00:24:48,005 --> 00:24:50,361
You know when the temperature
is like, you're not sweating,
684
00:24:50,386 --> 00:24:51,746
but you're worried about sweating?
685
00:24:51,771 --> 00:24:53,497
Yeah, you want me to turn up the A/C?
686
00:24:53,522 --> 00:24:55,822
If you're getting up.
687
00:24:55,847 --> 00:24:57,447
[A/C BEEPS]
688
00:24:57,549 --> 00:25:00,016
[RUMBLING]
689
00:25:00,118 --> 00:25:02,219
Sick plume!
690
00:25:02,691 --> 00:25:04,523
Oh, hello, jackbooted pigs.
691
00:25:04,548 --> 00:25:06,882
I'm the 99% here to
confront the President.
692
00:25:06,907 --> 00:25:09,093
Americans should have
clean water for their bongs.
693
00:25:09,118 --> 00:25:11,759
Also, as is customary
for a government moocher,
694
00:25:11,784 --> 00:25:13,016
I've pooped my pants.
695
00:25:13,041 --> 00:25:14,334
Isn't that Mitt Romney?
696
00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:15,759
That guy fired my uncle!
697
00:25:15,784 --> 00:25:17,133
Let's kick his ass!
698
00:25:17,236 --> 00:25:18,301
Ow, oh, ow!
699
00:25:18,326 --> 00:25:20,448
Your grandchildren will
thank you for this, Mitt.
700
00:25:20,473 --> 00:25:22,782
All 84 of them.
701
00:25:22,952 --> 00:25:25,253
Brrr. It's getting a little chilly.
702
00:25:25,278 --> 00:25:27,517
Mind throwing another tire on the fire?
703
00:25:27,542 --> 00:25:29,861
We're out, so Styrofoam it is.
704
00:25:29,886 --> 00:25:31,798
Stop right there, mister!
705
00:25:31,823 --> 00:25:33,744
Ha! What do you want, Crazy Bernie?
706
00:25:33,769 --> 00:25:35,825
To leech off my air-conditioning unit?
707
00:25:35,850 --> 00:25:38,747
Maybe if you stopped
looking for handouts,
708
00:25:38,772 --> 00:25:41,207
you'd work hard enough
to get taxpayers to buy
709
00:25:41,232 --> 00:25:42,739
you a giant air-conditioner.
710
00:25:42,764 --> 00:25:45,116
Donald, you and I have a lot in common.
711
00:25:45,141 --> 00:25:47,737
We both support gun rights,
our base would rather die
712
00:25:47,762 --> 00:25:49,495
than see a woman president,
we both remember
713
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,078
the jitterbug, but
mainly we are outsiders
714
00:25:52,103 --> 00:25:53,857
who wound up in the mainstream.
715
00:25:53,882 --> 00:25:55,614
And it's been uncomfortable.
716
00:25:55,639 --> 00:25:59,505
But we can still pursue
our goals while sticking
717
00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:01,120
to our outsider principles.
718
00:26:01,145 --> 00:26:04,266
How do I do that and
still stop my sweating?
719
00:26:04,291 --> 00:26:07,865
Okay, hear me out. Mesh suits.
720
00:26:08,353 --> 00:26:09,719
Sorry, Bernie.
721
00:26:09,744 --> 00:26:11,318
This is just slightly easier for me,
722
00:26:11,343 --> 00:26:12,875
so it's kind of a no-brainer.
723
00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:14,933
[THINKPAD JINGLES]
724
00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,817
Oh, it finished updating just in time.
725
00:26:17,842 --> 00:26:22,069
I'm gonna hack into the A/C
and shut it down for good.
726
00:26:22,094 --> 00:26:24,882
Bernie, your laptop
is glowing white hot.
727
00:26:24,907 --> 00:26:29,266
Do you know if a '94
ThinkPad can run on the X-P?
728
00:26:29,291 --> 00:26:30,924
She's gonna blow!
729
00:26:32,627 --> 00:26:35,428
ThinkPad, looks like you're
going to be rebooting in Heaven,
730
00:26:35,453 --> 00:26:36,721
which is, of course, a made up place
731
00:26:36,745 --> 00:26:37,952
only an idiot would believe in.
732
00:26:37,976 --> 00:26:39,446
[GRUNTS]
733
00:26:39,548 --> 00:26:42,216
♪♪
734
00:26:42,318 --> 00:26:44,451
[BEEPS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
735
00:26:48,043 --> 00:26:49,643
♪♪
736
00:26:49,668 --> 00:26:51,335
- Whoa!
- Bernie, I'm mad
737
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,438
you blew up my air conditioner,
but I'm happy to finally see
738
00:26:54,463 --> 00:26:55,762
a mushroom cloud.
739
00:26:55,787 --> 00:26:57,909
And I'm happy that you've accelerated
740
00:26:57,934 --> 00:27:01,256
this country's decline
so that a class revolution
741
00:27:01,281 --> 00:27:03,947
is basically a foregone conclusion.
742
00:27:03,972 --> 00:27:06,016
Aww, my face is beet red,
743
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,796
and it's not just the
Freon sizzling my skin.
744
00:27:08,821 --> 00:27:10,754
[DONALD JR.] Dad, you're missing it!
745
00:27:11,083 --> 00:27:14,151
After Mass-Extinction-Gate,
the President won't have
746
00:27:14,176 --> 00:27:16,981
the political capital necessary
to solve the climate crisis.
747
00:27:17,006 --> 00:27:19,306
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders
is back at the front
748
00:27:19,331 --> 00:27:20,497
- of the Democratic pack.
- _
749
00:27:20,522 --> 00:27:23,802
I wonder if he's had time
lately to watch the movie
750
00:27:23,827 --> 00:27:26,203
"The Social... The Socialism Network"?
751
00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:28,588
If I hadn't said it wrong, it
would have gotten a big laugh.
752
00:27:29,998 --> 00:27:33,120
Aww. That Freon did
a number on my throat.
753
00:27:33,145 --> 00:27:35,588
Should have never scraped
off those lozenges.
754
00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:38,048
Bernie, that was amazing what ya did.
755
00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,283
- You're my hero.
- We all agree you did good.
756
00:27:39,307 --> 00:27:41,194
- Nice job, fucko.
- Why don't you come
757
00:27:41,219 --> 00:27:43,063
get plastered with us
in Kamala's hotel room?
758
00:27:43,088 --> 00:27:44,955
I stole a prisoner's toilet wine.
759
00:27:44,980 --> 00:27:47,013
♪♪
760
00:27:47,115 --> 00:27:50,194
Thanks, guys, but I
still got a few dozen more
761
00:27:50,219 --> 00:27:51,571
punch cards to go through.
762
00:27:51,596 --> 00:27:53,629
Now, let's see here.
I've got an unused ticket
763
00:27:53,654 --> 00:27:56,733
to Staten Island Ferry,
beer parlor two-for-one,
764
00:27:56,758 --> 00:28:00,690
Walter Matthau's business card,
a half a dozen half dollars?
765
00:28:00,715 --> 00:28:02,133
That's why this thing's so heavy.
766
00:28:03,042 --> 00:28:06,063
The important thing is
you tried to save the world
767
00:28:06,088 --> 00:28:07,421
for us, Dad.
768
00:28:07,446 --> 00:28:09,545
I don't care if you
live or die, but thanks.
769
00:28:09,570 --> 00:28:11,866
Dad, you're not sweating
like a hog anymore!
770
00:28:11,891 --> 00:28:14,106
- You did it!
- I sure did,
771
00:28:14,131 --> 00:28:16,317
and all it took was blowing
up half the White House
772
00:28:16,342 --> 00:28:17,997
to get this great cross-breeze going.
773
00:28:18,022 --> 00:28:19,054
Whew!
774
00:28:19,079 --> 00:28:21,410
Whoa! Shit ton of
squirrels in here, Dad.
775
00:28:21,435 --> 00:28:22,535
Don't worry, Don.
776
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,827
They'll be extinct in no time.
777
00:28:24,852 --> 00:28:26,228
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
778
00:28:26,253 --> 00:28:29,254
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
779
00:28:29,356 --> 00:28:32,825
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
780
00:28:33,082 --> 00:28:35,449
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
781
00:28:35,474 --> 00:28:36,772
♪ Yes, he is ♪
782
00:28:36,797 --> 00:28:40,063
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
783
00:28:40,088 --> 00:28:42,654
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
784
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:44,046
♪ Yes, he is ♪
785
00:28:44,071 --> 00:28:46,939
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
786
00:28:47,041 --> 00:28:52,077
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
787
00:28:54,292 --> 00:28:55,925
♪ Donald Trump ♪
788
00:28:55,950 --> 00:28:59,384
♪ He is our president ♪
789
00:28:59,486 --> 00:29:02,720
♪ We made him president ♪
790
00:29:02,823 --> 00:29:05,057
♪ We did it ♪
791
00:29:05,159 --> 00:29:08,994
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
792
00:29:09,096 --> 00:29:12,063
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
793
00:29:12,165 --> 00:29:15,667
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
794
00:29:15,769 --> 00:29:19,236
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
795
00:29:19,339 --> 00:29:22,841
♪ Yeah ♪
796
00:29:22,943 --> 00:29:24,175
Trump!
797
00:29:24,199 --> 00:29:29,199
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -