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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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- Synced and corrected by Firefly-
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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U-S-A!
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Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,
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guys who've punched a claw machine,
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people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,
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teens who will have their Ivy
League admission rescinded,
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and other shrieking jackals!
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I'm here to announce that, in 2020,
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win or lose, I will win the election!
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I'm walking over here now...
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showing you that I'm keepin' it loose...
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proving to everyone that I
can be a tough walkin' man.
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And now I'm moseying on back.
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Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
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I am now accepting foreign intelligence
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on my Democratic opponents.
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Simply call the number below!
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Operators are standing by!
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No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!
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So many people have
made tonight possible,
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but none more so than Nancy
Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
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You two have done absolutely
nothing to stop me,
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and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog
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watching the house get robbed.
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You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!
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You're being too pushy.
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Thank you, Mr. President.
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- Thank you, everyone!
- You're making us blush!
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For more on my second-term agenda,
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please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!
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If you thought
President Trump's first term
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got your pulse pounding,
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his second term will
make your heart explode.
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National Guard... on speed dial.
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Nuclear secrets... for sale.
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Basic human decency... buh-bye!
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And think Trump can't spell any worse?
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Think aglenn.
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Donald Trump 2020.
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You're Gonna Get a Rash, Buster.
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Alright!
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Who wants pig hearts?!
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Not enough to go
around, so start clawing!
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Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?
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Yeah, Dad. No one will bother us.
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Okay, let's talk shady self-enrichment!
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How's our Washington hotel?
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We're killing it!
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The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.
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It's floor-to-ceiling French toast!
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Okay, let's hear from
my favorite son. Ivanka?
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Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury
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and said on the weekends, anything goes!
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What the hell, Pompeo?!
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Hey, is this sock on the
doorknob up for grabs?
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- It's pretty nice.
- La la la la la!
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I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!
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Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
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Look what you did, Pompeo!
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You take the crime sock off the door,
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and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!
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So... can I put this on my foot or...?
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Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,
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you still have to worry
about the money laundering,
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the campaign finance violations,
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and those other crimes
I won't mention in case
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there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.
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Hello. I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?
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I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.
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Okay, it is far from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court
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will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.
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Of course they will, Jared.
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The ruling was foretold in the
Great Prophecy of Valantium.
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Let me ask you.
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H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?
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If you spent less
time in the weight room
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and more time in class,
you would know that...
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... every
half moon, the Supreme Court
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rises out of the ancient
swamps of Kilga-Goranth
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to exact their righteous
judgment on our kind.
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The big, buff justices
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wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on
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even when they go
through airport security.
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♪ Justice ♪
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You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.
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Ooh, justice!
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Mmm, justice.
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Ooh, justice.
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I'm Jake Tapper, and I go to movies
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just to shush stepdads and their sons.
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Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference
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and discussed the power of the president
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to pardon himself. Take a look.
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Obviously, I'm not going
to present my opinion here,
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but I will say that
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presidential power is not absolute.
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Here to analyze Robert's comments
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is constitutional
scholar, political expert,
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and mezzo soprano... me.
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♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪
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I booked our next
big-game hunting trip, Don!
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They just shove a drugged-up lion
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into the back of a Honda Odyssey,
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and we get to shoot
it through the windows.
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I'm afraid you'll have to
take those hunting trips alone.
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As the eldest, I'll be inheriting
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the presidency in 2024.
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So if you're launching
your political career,
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does that mean I'm gonna
run the Trump Organization?
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You're not cut out for that!
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You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.
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I tried, but me and Deion the Donkey
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didn't have what it takes.
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Then you must show Dad that you can be
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an upstanding businessman like me.
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Now pretend you lost your factory job
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so I can practice nodding as if I care.
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W-We're down
to one single sheet...
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Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.
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- ... of white bread for my family of eleven.
- I mean, I do care.
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- Nodding, nodding.
- Please, Mr. Trump.
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You're not screwed.
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You got four out of five
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conservative justices in the bag.
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Just go schmooze the robes off of him.
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I'm not the schmoozer,
Mitch. I'm the schmooz-ee.
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Check the mug. I just
wish I could add more buff
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- _
- Supreme Court justices who dig my vibe.
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That's called "packing the court",
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and there's nothing in the Constitution
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that says you can't do it.
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I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?
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Upending centuries of judicial protocol
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is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!
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Just a heads up, though.
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The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.
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And as Aristotle said,
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"Fear is pain...
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... arising from the
anticipation of evil."
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That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
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Sorry about the typo. I
couldn't find the backspace.
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Eric, you're just not cut
out for the family business.
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Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?
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I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.
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We saved a lot of money on beans
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but lost a lot of money on jelly.
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Hmm.
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My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,
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and it's only right I do the same.
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Prove to me you can
handle more responsibility,
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and I'll make you my
last-ditch pick for CEO.
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Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.
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Fat chance! My kids are assholes!
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You wouldn't last a second!
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We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee
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who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's
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Supreme Court nominee, My
Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
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So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,
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my pants shredded like those things
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- that slap you at the car wash
- _
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when you're hiding out from three guys
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with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,
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and all I've got left to my name
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is a baby bottle full of
NyQuil and 30 dimes of flake.
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So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno
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before you end up married again."
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Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.
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I can give you the month... summer.
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"Crash-and-burn" is
what people are saying
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about Trump's effort to pack the court.
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The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning
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their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!
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Oh, God.
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Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty
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of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!
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I sentence you to a
million years in prison!
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Recreation time is up!
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Everyone back in their cells
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for 23 hours of sedentary rest!
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- Hooray!
- Whoo!
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Ahh. I kinda like this.
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No one's making me do
stuff, food's chewy,
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I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.
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You said it, Dad! I mean, roomie!
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I got a million years in here, too!
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How many years is a
million years? Let's count.
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One, two, three, four, five...
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sex... sick! seven!
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You were right, Mitch.
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I must be the schmoozer,
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and Supreme Court, the schmoozees.
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Great! What we need is a fancy place
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where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!
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We're in Washington, Rudy.
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All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good
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husband-and-wife cabaret acts.
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There's only one place ritzy enough
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to schmooze Roberts and
those other nobodies.
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The place where everyone can
be whoever they want to be.
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As long as they pay the $200,000 fee.
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Where on Earth could that be?!
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Lago!
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For the 1st Annual Supreme
Court Gala Spectacular!
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- _
- Your security detail picked us all up
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from our homes in the dead of night.
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And they scared the daylights
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out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.
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Did you know that last year they
made two movies about me?
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Yes.
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Who gives a crap how we got here?
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We're away from our jobs, our families,
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the specters of our past.
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That's the alarming spirit.
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00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:05,377
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.
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00:10:05,402 --> 00:10:08,043
Come ride with me in
my executive golf cart.
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00:10:08,068 --> 00:10:11,169
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.
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00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:14,539
No eating of the smoked
trout in the back seat!
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00:10:14,564 --> 00:10:16,431
That's for Uber customers.
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00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:20,177
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?
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00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:23,157
I'd worry more about your
sailor on shore leave over there.
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It says you're open
at 8:00, but it's 8:02!
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I could sue you for false advertising!
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He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room
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00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:32,813
with a mini-bar,
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00:10:32,838 --> 00:10:34,903
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.
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I could look after Judge Kavanaugh!
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Sure, kid.
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Keep that twitchy lush from
ruining my schmooze-fest,
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00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:44,535
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.
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00:10:45,762 --> 00:10:47,949
Excuse me. Could I have a juice?
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00:10:47,974 --> 00:10:51,285
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always gets me a juice.
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00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:54,178
I told you... he's a starfucker!
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00:10:54,203 --> 00:10:56,657
To get the full Mar-a-Lago experience,
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00:10:56,682 --> 00:10:58,782
you gotta sit with the power players.
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00:10:58,807 --> 00:11:01,218
- Rudy Giuliani.
- God damn it!
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00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:04,265
I spilled ketchup on the
gravy I spilled on my suit!
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00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,434
Shinzo Abe. He's always here.
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00:11:06,459 --> 00:11:08,725
_
253
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,273
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.
254
00:11:11,298 --> 00:11:12,930
He tells me to do stuff, and I do it.
255
00:11:14,079 --> 00:11:16,654
We should really invite
over the other justices.
256
00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:18,712
They actually told me
they think you stink
257
00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,204
and are probably a bad kisser.
258
00:11:20,229 --> 00:11:22,716
The best way to get back at
them is to let me pardon myself
259
00:11:22,741 --> 00:11:25,175
for crimes past, present, and future.
260
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,100
I... have to go to
the little men's room.
261
00:11:28,125 --> 00:11:30,923
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo. You blew it.
262
00:11:30,948 --> 00:11:32,492
Take your meal back to your room.
263
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,583
It's always Shinzo's fault.
264
00:11:34,608 --> 00:11:37,810
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!
265
00:11:37,835 --> 00:11:38,968
I know!
266
00:11:38,993 --> 00:11:40,419
So, in order to graduate
267
00:11:40,444 --> 00:11:43,552
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,
268
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:45,937
Deion the Donkey and I needed to execute
269
00:11:45,962 --> 00:11:48,497
the fabled double-donkey hee-haw.
270
00:11:48,522 --> 00:11:51,128
Anyways, you work at, uh...?
271
00:11:51,153 --> 00:11:53,622
SCOTUS! I should have never signed up!
272
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:55,148
It's the worst thing I've ever done!
273
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,949
Where's my beer?!
274
00:11:56,974 --> 00:12:00,153
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer right now!
275
00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:03,146
I'm actually not
supposed to let you drink.
276
00:12:03,171 --> 00:12:06,926
Uhh! But I like beer! I
like beer! I like beer!!
277
00:12:06,951 --> 00:12:08,617
What if I just vouch for you
278
00:12:08,642 --> 00:12:11,063
like the way Squi vouched for me?
279
00:12:11,088 --> 00:12:12,287
You'd do that?
280
00:12:12,312 --> 00:12:15,167
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?
281
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,992
Yes, I am sober.
282
00:12:17,017 --> 00:12:19,505
You'll make Eric the
CEO tomorrow morning?
283
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,296
I'll tell him right now! Beep.
284
00:12:21,321 --> 00:12:23,054
A round of beers to celebrate?!
285
00:12:23,079 --> 00:12:25,267
Okay! But just one.
286
00:12:31,408 --> 00:12:33,686
G-Gah!
287
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,523
Rise and shine, my favorite justice!
288
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,593
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.
289
00:12:39,618 --> 00:12:40,849
How did you get in here?
290
00:12:40,874 --> 00:12:42,794
I have all the keys to all the doors.
291
00:12:42,819 --> 00:12:44,652
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy
292
00:12:44,677 --> 00:12:46,631
out of the pool, so get your trunks on,
293
00:12:46,656 --> 00:12:48,189
then you'll let me pardon myself,
294
00:12:48,214 --> 00:12:49,968
then we'll hit the omelet bar.
295
00:12:49,993 --> 00:12:52,303
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me
296
00:12:52,328 --> 00:12:53,442
to vote in your favor.
297
00:12:53,467 --> 00:12:56,808
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.
298
00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:58,354
I usually don't do this,
299
00:12:58,379 --> 00:13:01,091
but what if I switched
you to a bed-bug free room?
300
00:13:03,873 --> 00:13:07,108
Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
301
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:09,854
Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!
302
00:13:09,879 --> 00:13:12,113
I turned my back on Deion the Donkey
303
00:13:12,138 --> 00:13:13,825
to build Jelly Tower!
304
00:13:13,850 --> 00:13:16,550
Oh, I'm sorry, Jelly Boy!
305
00:13:16,575 --> 00:13:20,097
You gonna cry boysenberry
tears out of your marmalade eyes
306
00:13:20,122 --> 00:13:23,866
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
307
00:13:23,891 --> 00:13:25,891
I'm a Jelly Man!
308
00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:27,236
Oww!
309
00:13:27,261 --> 00:13:30,362
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson
310
00:13:30,387 --> 00:13:32,089
to ugly vermilion!
311
00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:33,644
What are you gonna do about it...
312
00:13:33,669 --> 00:13:37,168
wah-wah cry like you
did at your hearing?
313
00:13:37,193 --> 00:13:39,293
I'm gonna head-butt you 'til you die!
314
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:40,373
Bring it!
315
00:13:40,398 --> 00:13:41,975
One, two...
316
00:13:44,836 --> 00:13:47,091
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court
317
00:13:47,116 --> 00:13:49,599
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.
318
00:13:49,624 --> 00:13:51,417
We don't have umbrellas in Florida.
319
00:13:51,442 --> 00:13:52,934
It's the Sunshine State.
320
00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:55,041
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts
321
00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:57,127
the laughingstock of
the whole judiciary.
322
00:13:57,152 --> 00:13:58,222
Ooh, and while you're at it,
323
00:13:58,246 --> 00:14:00,436
do the other justices dirty, too!
324
00:14:00,461 --> 00:14:02,828
That's why you're the
leader of the free world.
325
00:14:02,853 --> 00:14:04,306
I can't take all the credit.
326
00:14:04,331 --> 00:14:06,331
You got to give some
to the death squads.
327
00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:11,126
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!
328
00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,487
And keep that applause going
329
00:14:14,512 --> 00:14:17,120
for our Guy of the Year Award recipient,
330
00:14:17,145 --> 00:14:19,311
Chief Justice Roberts!
331
00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:22,370
Are you any closer to
giving me my self-pardon?
332
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,028
I said "no" and I look like a fool.
333
00:14:25,053 --> 00:14:27,453
Fine! Then the only thing
left is the group kompromat...
334
00:14:27,478 --> 00:14:28,831
I mean group photo.
335
00:14:28,856 --> 00:14:31,457
Everyone grab some
champagne and hop on stage!
336
00:14:31,482 --> 00:14:33,159
Let's just do
this so we can go to bed.
337
00:14:33,183 --> 00:14:35,515
Sanders, remember. Downward
angle, find your light.
338
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:36,962
I know, I know.
339
00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:38,429
Say "blackmail".
340
00:14:38,454 --> 00:14:39,999
Blackmail.
341
00:14:40,023 --> 00:14:41,523
Is it hot fire?
342
00:14:41,625 --> 00:14:44,713
♪ I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat ♪
343
00:14:44,738 --> 00:14:46,282
Wow. You should be on Broadway.
344
00:14:46,307 --> 00:14:48,173
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision
345
00:14:48,198 --> 00:14:50,919
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.
346
00:14:50,944 --> 00:14:53,178
I wonder who I'll self-pardon first.
347
00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,313
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
348
00:14:55,338 --> 00:14:57,306
Look at that.
As a result of this
349
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,895
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured
350
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,920
have recused themselves
from all legal matters
351
00:15:01,945 --> 00:15:03,154
pertaining to the president.
352
00:15:03,179 --> 00:15:04,656
Who would leak such a thing?
353
00:15:04,681 --> 00:15:07,969
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom
354
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:09,527
with 19 entrances.
355
00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:12,067
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account
356
00:15:12,092 --> 00:15:14,565
- of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
- _
357
00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:17,235
I want Shinzo's badge and
gun on my desk by morning.
358
00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:18,903
This means that, in the upcoming hearing
359
00:15:18,928 --> 00:15:21,149
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,
360
00:15:21,174 --> 00:15:23,174
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion
361
00:15:23,199 --> 00:15:26,778
of the one Justice not
recused, Brett Kavanaugh.
362
00:15:26,803 --> 00:15:28,123
Ohh! Even better!
363
00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:29,614
He'll give you the kind of justice
364
00:15:29,639 --> 00:15:31,845
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth
365
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:33,478
ever since the nation's founding.
366
00:15:33,503 --> 00:15:34,752
All we have to do is make sure
367
00:15:34,777 --> 00:15:36,731
Brett Kavanaugh's on
that bench on Monday.
368
00:15:36,756 --> 00:15:39,569
Don't worry. I got my best, weirdest son
369
00:15:39,594 --> 00:15:40,926
taking care of him.
370
00:15:42,763 --> 00:15:44,195
Whoa.
371
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,130
What happened last night?
372
00:15:46,155 --> 00:15:49,233
It's just like that
R-rated bachelor-party movie
373
00:15:49,258 --> 00:15:50,968
The Hang Glider.
374
00:15:53,128 --> 00:15:54,928
"Jelly Man,
last night reminded me
375
00:15:54,963 --> 00:15:56,830
- how much I enjoy being away from it all,
- _
376
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:58,422
- drowning in liquid fun!
- _
377
00:15:58,447 --> 00:15:59,833
- Don't come looking for me,
- _
378
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:01,546
- or I'll take the fuck off running!
- _
379
00:16:01,571 --> 00:16:04,004
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."
380
00:16:06,351 --> 00:16:08,919
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
381
00:16:08,944 --> 00:16:11,498
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding
382
00:16:11,523 --> 00:16:14,478
the inner workings of a
middle-aged party king.
383
00:16:14,503 --> 00:16:15,525
You have any clues?
384
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:19,628
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.
385
00:16:19,654 --> 00:16:22,142
He flew the coop! I'm
coming down there, Eric.
386
00:16:22,167 --> 00:16:24,267
Good thing I have shit
loads of Southwest points
387
00:16:24,292 --> 00:16:26,725
from tickets I bought so I
could get drunk at La Guardia.
388
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,949
Wait! I think I know where he is!
389
00:16:28,974 --> 00:16:32,186
Have you ever heard of
a town called... Orlando?
390
00:16:32,211 --> 00:16:33,854
Have you ever heard of a town called
391
00:16:33,879 --> 00:16:35,478
"Shut Up, I'll Meet You There"?
392
00:16:37,005 --> 00:16:39,946
Let us bow our heads in
prayer to Brett Kavanaugh
393
00:16:39,971 --> 00:16:42,585
for making this
lawlessness possible for me.
394
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,277
May he go to bed without
getting the spins.
395
00:16:45,302 --> 00:16:46,302
Amen.
396
00:16:46,327 --> 00:16:47,967
Now, what crimes should I commit?
397
00:16:47,992 --> 00:16:51,127
And remember, there are no small
crimes... only short criminals.
398
00:16:51,152 --> 00:16:52,648
Before you commit more crimes,
399
00:16:52,673 --> 00:16:54,107
shouldn't you wait until Kavanaugh
400
00:16:54,132 --> 00:16:55,736
actually hands down his ruling?
401
00:16:55,761 --> 00:16:57,457
That's strike three, Pompeo.
402
00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,249
Strikes one and two were existing.
403
00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:00,447
Will there be any more innings?
404
00:17:00,471 --> 00:17:01,938
We just found our next crime...
405
00:17:01,963 --> 00:17:05,407
we're gonna torture Pompeo
until he swallows his own tongue!
406
00:17:05,432 --> 00:17:06,912
- That's great!
- Let's kill him, huh?
407
00:17:06,937 --> 00:17:09,112
I'm free all day, so just let me know.
408
00:17:10,627 --> 00:17:12,448
These dolphins are kept alive
409
00:17:12,473 --> 00:17:14,906
only by the fish they
receive mid-backflip.
410
00:17:15,008 --> 00:17:18,621
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?
411
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:22,080
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun".
412
00:17:22,182 --> 00:17:25,904
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce
413
00:17:25,929 --> 00:17:30,031
that SeaWorld is the
liquid-fun capital of Florida.
414
00:17:30,056 --> 00:17:34,112
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!
415
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,004
There's no beer at SeaWorld!
416
00:17:36,029 --> 00:17:38,807
- How long has he been gone?
- Two days.
417
00:17:38,832 --> 00:17:40,809
Two days of drunk stumbling
418
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:43,145
is four days of sober sprinting.
419
00:17:43,170 --> 00:17:44,503
He could be anywhere,
420
00:17:44,528 --> 00:17:48,229
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
421
00:17:48,408 --> 00:17:50,975
♪ It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun ♪
422
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,275
Mike Pompeo, for the crime of being
423
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,200
a boring-annoying-dumb loser,
424
00:17:55,225 --> 00:17:57,759
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,
425
00:17:57,784 --> 00:18:00,105
then blowtorching, then poisoning,
426
00:18:00,130 --> 00:18:03,324
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.
427
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:04,944
If I'm gonna be covered in ants,
428
00:18:04,969 --> 00:18:06,802
can I at least have a picnic with them?
429
00:18:06,827 --> 00:18:09,447
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.
430
00:18:09,472 --> 00:18:11,139
It's Eric, sir. Do you wanna talk
431
00:18:11,164 --> 00:18:13,082
or should I just make up something?
432
00:18:13,107 --> 00:18:14,273
Ugh...
433
00:18:14,298 --> 00:18:15,888
Dad, remember when you said
434
00:18:15,913 --> 00:18:18,746
- you'd always love me no matter what?
- Nope.
435
00:18:18,771 --> 00:18:21,349
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
436
00:18:21,374 --> 00:18:24,408
D-a-a-ad!
437
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:26,220
Kavanaugh is gone.
438
00:18:26,245 --> 00:18:28,400
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck
439
00:18:28,425 --> 00:18:30,712
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,
440
00:18:30,737 --> 00:18:31,903
former campaign chief,
441
00:18:31,928 --> 00:18:34,662
and three dozen of
my closest associates.
442
00:18:34,687 --> 00:18:37,621
I could pardon you if I
was president. Hint, hint.
443
00:18:37,878 --> 00:18:40,344
It's been two days
444
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,247
since Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh
445
00:18:43,272 --> 00:18:46,307
disappeared into the
humid badlands of Florida.
446
00:18:46,332 --> 00:18:48,398
- Search parties continue to comb through
- _
447
00:18:48,423 --> 00:18:50,311
- every roadside motel bar
- _
448
00:18:50,336 --> 00:18:53,824
and empty Circuit City with a
back door you can jimmy open.
449
00:18:53,849 --> 00:18:55,749
Maybe they found Kavanaugh on Hannity.
450
00:18:55,774 --> 00:18:58,846
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice
451
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,621
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets
452
00:19:01,646 --> 00:19:04,202
for sale exclusively on my website!
453
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:07,861
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
454
00:19:07,886 --> 00:19:10,430
Mmm! Buy the... Buy the whole pail!
455
00:19:10,455 --> 00:19:12,966
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.
456
00:19:12,991 --> 00:19:14,430
I know this is difficult,
457
00:19:14,455 --> 00:19:17,141
but I need you to hit
me as hard as you...
458
00:19:18,396 --> 00:19:20,240
Thanks for pitchin' in, honey.
459
00:19:21,609 --> 00:19:22,842
Drat!
460
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:24,598
Thought it might be Kavanaugh,
461
00:19:24,623 --> 00:19:27,813
but it's just another dead, bloated guy.
462
00:19:27,838 --> 00:19:29,880
Time to face facts... you'll always be
463
00:19:29,905 --> 00:19:31,504
the businessman fisher-outer
464
00:19:31,529 --> 00:19:33,396
and never the businessman fishee.
465
00:19:33,421 --> 00:19:36,356
How will I ever live
up to my family name?
466
00:19:36,381 --> 00:19:38,491
All I have are my handsome gums
467
00:19:38,516 --> 00:19:42,338
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.
468
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:44,774
Forget it, Eric. Your
only career path now
469
00:19:44,799 --> 00:19:46,665
is to join my Secret Service detail
470
00:19:46,690 --> 00:19:49,635
and somehow not fall in love with
me, à la The Bodyguard.
471
00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:51,313
And good luck because I am...
472
00:19:51,338 --> 00:19:53,572
♪ Enchanting as ass ♪
473
00:19:54,005 --> 00:19:56,072
Because all the judges
474
00:19:56,097 --> 00:19:58,808
are either recused or
horking into the EverGlades,
475
00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:01,524
the Supreme Court will
fail to hear my case.
476
00:20:01,549 --> 00:20:03,549
You're the man of the
White House now, Mikey.
477
00:20:03,574 --> 00:20:05,718
Here's the presidential suit and tie.
478
00:20:05,743 --> 00:20:07,553
They'll probably be tight on you.
479
00:20:07,578 --> 00:20:11,379
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.
480
00:20:11,404 --> 00:20:14,526
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,
481
00:20:14,551 --> 00:20:17,874
it's you being held
accountable for your actions.
482
00:20:17,899 --> 00:20:20,299
Pardon or no pardon, you need to fight
483
00:20:20,324 --> 00:20:23,086
to make sure America
continues to be a place
484
00:20:23,111 --> 00:20:26,561
where guys like you can
get away with anything.
485
00:20:31,101 --> 00:20:33,868
♪ And I'm with you ♪
486
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,736
♪ Tonight ♪
487
00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:38,712
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?
488
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:39,836
They got Sublime!
489
00:20:39,861 --> 00:20:42,464
I see why Brett was so into this beer.
490
00:20:42,489 --> 00:20:45,501
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.
491
00:20:45,526 --> 00:20:46,925
You didn't fail today.
492
00:20:46,950 --> 00:20:48,683
You failed the moment you tried to be
493
00:20:48,708 --> 00:20:50,518
a bad-ass business Trump like me
494
00:20:50,543 --> 00:20:52,417
instead of an artsy ass-wad Trump
495
00:20:52,442 --> 00:20:54,365
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.
496
00:20:54,390 --> 00:20:56,829
I just want
to prove I'm responsible
497
00:20:56,854 --> 00:20:59,370
and get Brett Kavanaugh back!
498
00:20:59,395 --> 00:21:01,755
Sorry, Eric. As a child of privilege,
499
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:03,976
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.
500
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,345
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.
501
00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:07,802
Ahh!
502
00:21:07,904 --> 00:21:10,104
And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
503
00:21:10,139 --> 00:21:14,509
Uh... how's everybody doin'?! Shut up!
504
00:21:15,956 --> 00:21:18,255
I don't
wanna go to Washington!
505
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,425
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!
506
00:21:22,450 --> 00:21:24,448
You belong on the Supreme Court
507
00:21:24,473 --> 00:21:26,173
deciding the reproductive fate
508
00:21:26,198 --> 00:21:28,542
of every single American woman!
509
00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:30,734
We don't have much time! Floor it!
510
00:21:30,759 --> 00:21:32,846
Is this the end
of your presidency?
511
00:21:32,871 --> 00:21:34,137
When you came for Clinton,
512
00:21:34,162 --> 00:21:36,249
he hopped on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
513
00:21:36,274 --> 00:21:39,042
and hightailed it to
Harlem to write his memoirs.
514
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:41,415
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders
515
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,457
on George W. Bush, he escaped
516
00:21:43,482 --> 00:21:45,983
to his artist's loft to paint bathtubs.
517
00:21:46,008 --> 00:21:48,084
And when you came for
William Henry Harrison,
518
00:21:48,109 --> 00:21:49,920
he got pneumonia and died!
519
00:21:49,945 --> 00:21:51,699
But America elected me
520
00:21:51,724 --> 00:21:53,924
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,
521
00:21:53,949 --> 00:21:56,291
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.
522
00:21:56,316 --> 00:21:57,794
Mr. President!
523
00:21:57,818 --> 00:21:58,896
Get the hell out of my way!
524
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,173
Mr. President, it's your shithead sons.
525
00:22:01,198 --> 00:22:04,233
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!
526
00:22:04,258 --> 00:22:06,736
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!
527
00:22:06,761 --> 00:22:08,358
Sandblast the puke from his face
528
00:22:08,383 --> 00:22:09,750
and get him in that judge dress.
529
00:22:09,775 --> 00:22:10,907
We have no time to lose.
530
00:22:16,070 --> 00:22:17,212
Kavanaugh's on his way.
531
00:22:17,237 --> 00:22:18,615
You need to stall until he gets here.
532
00:22:18,639 --> 00:22:19,939
I'm on it!
533
00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,784
For my first stall,
534
00:22:21,809 --> 00:22:24,577
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.
535
00:22:24,679 --> 00:22:29,146
Ruuuuuudddddyyy Giuuuuliannniii
536
00:22:29,248 --> 00:22:31,898
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!
537
00:22:31,923 --> 00:22:33,305
Alright. What else? What else? Um...
538
00:22:33,329 --> 00:22:34,829
Ah, one of the old favorites!
539
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,543
It was a beautiful September morning,
540
00:22:37,568 --> 00:22:38,934
not a cloud in the sky...
541
00:22:40,961 --> 00:22:42,948
I think he peed!
542
00:22:42,973 --> 00:22:44,806
Oh, good. That means he's alive!
543
00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:48,437
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"
544
00:22:48,462 --> 00:22:49,884
Is this over yet?
545
00:22:49,909 --> 00:22:50,947
And, totally off the cuff,
I said What did I say?
546
00:22:50,971 --> 00:22:52,425
I'm meeting with Jeff
Katzenberg at 4:00.
547
00:22:52,449 --> 00:22:55,617
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!
548
00:22:55,642 --> 00:22:58,428
Wait! Don't marry him or whatever!
549
00:22:58,453 --> 00:23:00,154
Quick, Eric. Get him on the bench!
550
00:23:00,179 --> 00:23:03,324
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.
551
00:23:03,349 --> 00:23:06,217
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say...
552
00:23:06,242 --> 00:23:08,062
BLLUUGHHHH!
553
00:23:08,087 --> 00:23:09,686
There's nothing left to do now
554
00:23:09,711 --> 00:23:11,765
but accept our pitiful failure.
555
00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:15,892
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...
556
00:23:19,275 --> 00:23:22,842
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad
557
00:23:22,867 --> 00:23:24,966
should be able to pardon himself?
558
00:23:24,991 --> 00:23:26,691
I sure do,
559
00:23:26,716 --> 00:23:29,653
as much as I think you need a bath!
560
00:23:29,678 --> 00:23:30,961
Got 'im!
561
00:23:30,986 --> 00:23:34,255
Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
562
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,668
You
know what's even more not nice?
563
00:23:36,693 --> 00:23:39,326
Charging the president for his crimes.
564
00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:41,104
He is above us all.
565
00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:42,729
Hee haw!
566
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,220
Holy shit! He did it!
567
00:23:44,245 --> 00:23:46,466
He did the double-donkey hee-haw!
568
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:48,067
Who said that?
569
00:23:48,092 --> 00:23:49,092
Aah!
570
00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:50,980
He bit off his finger!
571
00:23:51,005 --> 00:23:52,805
I don't care if I go to jail.
572
00:23:52,830 --> 00:23:55,498
This is the best thing I've ever seen!
573
00:23:55,677 --> 00:23:58,044
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.
574
00:23:58,069 --> 00:24:00,923
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.
575
00:24:00,948 --> 00:24:02,715
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,
576
00:24:02,740 --> 00:24:06,396
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
577
00:24:06,421 --> 00:24:07,987
- then there's some keep-away.
- _
578
00:24:08,012 --> 00:24:10,179
But Kavanaugh did
submit a written opinion,
579
00:24:10,204 --> 00:24:12,104
which I have here.
580
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:15,361
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
581
00:24:15,386 --> 00:24:17,819
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,
582
00:24:17,844 --> 00:24:20,509
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott
583
00:24:20,534 --> 00:24:22,778
and Citizens United, the ruling to allow
584
00:24:22,803 --> 00:24:24,970
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
585
00:24:24,995 --> 00:24:26,900
to be two-for-one on Wednesdays"
586
00:24:26,925 --> 00:24:28,674
is one of the least-harmful decisions
587
00:24:28,699 --> 00:24:30,276
the Supreme Court has ever made.
588
00:24:32,035 --> 00:24:34,680
So, are you allowed to
pardon yourself or nah?
589
00:24:34,705 --> 00:24:35,871
No one knows.
590
00:24:35,896 --> 00:24:38,994
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.
591
00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,787
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh
592
00:24:41,812 --> 00:24:43,239
and bringing him back here,
593
00:24:43,278 --> 00:24:45,400
no matter how bad it
made the city smell.
594
00:24:45,425 --> 00:24:48,426
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.
595
00:24:48,451 --> 00:24:51,906
Does this mean I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
596
00:24:51,931 --> 00:24:53,086
Even better!
597
00:24:53,111 --> 00:24:57,069
I'm making you CEO of Trump
Ventriloquism University!
598
00:24:57,094 --> 00:25:00,299
We're opening a
Ventriloquism University?!
599
00:25:00,324 --> 00:25:01,961
It's more of a money-laundering front
600
00:25:01,986 --> 00:25:03,986
for which you will be
held legally responsible,
601
00:25:04,011 --> 00:25:05,210
but you're the CEO.
602
00:25:05,235 --> 00:25:08,968
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!
603
00:25:08,993 --> 00:25:10,325
That's my boy!
604
00:25:10,350 --> 00:25:13,095
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.
605
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:14,920
We've got work to do!
606
00:25:16,201 --> 00:25:19,424
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
607
00:25:19,449 --> 00:25:22,993
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
608
00:25:23,018 --> 00:25:25,463
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
609
00:25:25,488 --> 00:25:26,941
♪ Yes, he is ♪
610
00:25:26,966 --> 00:25:30,000
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
611
00:25:30,025 --> 00:25:32,747
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
612
00:25:32,772 --> 00:25:34,138
♪ Yes, he is ♪
613
00:25:34,163 --> 00:25:37,295
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
614
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:42,323
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
615
00:25:44,307 --> 00:25:45,939
♪ Donald Trump ♪
616
00:25:45,964 --> 00:25:49,400
♪ He is our president ♪
617
00:25:49,425 --> 00:25:52,659
♪ We made him president ♪
618
00:25:52,915 --> 00:25:55,149
♪ We did it ♪
619
00:25:55,251 --> 00:25:59,086
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
620
00:25:59,188 --> 00:26:02,156
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
621
00:26:02,258 --> 00:26:05,759
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
622
00:26:05,861 --> 00:26:09,329
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
623
00:26:09,431 --> 00:26:12,933
♪ Yeah ♪
624
00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:15,058
Trump!
625
00:26:15,082 --> 00:26:20,082
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