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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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[NARRATOR] In a few moments,
Special Counsel Robert Mueller
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will deliver his first public
remarks on his investigation.
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It's happening! There he is!
It's happening!
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Hooray! He's gonna make
the case for impeachment
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so we don't have to!
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Oh, no! If Mueller read
the Mueller Report, I'm screwed!
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[NARRATOR] At long last,
here is Mr. Mueller.
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[CROWD CHANTING] Mueller! Mueller!
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I am speaking today to announce
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that our investigation is complete
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and to reveal to the American people
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that I am really hurt
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that only a few of you
read my big report.
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I worked super hard on it.
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My wife said it was
the best thing she ever read.
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Uh-oh.
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Now let's get back
to this historic crisis,
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which I've decided to punt to
our broken, shithead Congress.
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The ball is now
in your turd-strewn court.
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Thanks for the homework, asshole.
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I trust a room of 500
backstabbing trash bags
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of human sludge will come
to a swift consensus.
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My god, Chuck. Will this
affect the infrastructure bill?!
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Not if there's a God.
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Now, I'm sure you expected
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that with the eyes
of the nation upon me,
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I would at the very least summarize
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the President's wrongdoings.
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Too bad. I'm a coward.
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Anyway, I quit.
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Good luck with the whole
saving America thing.
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[CROWD] Boooo!
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Wait. So it's all on Pelosi? Boo!
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It's all on me?! Booooo!
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I'm invincible!
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[NARRATOR] And more breaking news.
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A new Fox News poll has Trump
trailing Biden by 11 points.
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Damn it!
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Look at me, Beto!
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I can stand on stuff, too! Unh!
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♪♪
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[NEWS JINGLE PLAYS]
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I'm Jake Tapper,
and I'll smile when I'm dead.
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We're going live now to President Trump
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who's sitting down with his cabinet
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for a foreign-policy discussion,
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and there appears to be
a small but growing fire.
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Let's tune in...
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Today, we're discussing
my latest proposal
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for Middle East peace...
which I whipped up
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while on the Pelaton this morning...
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So let's stay focused
on the task at hand...
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Shut up! Alright. This
is what we're gonna do.
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Tomorrow we're launching
drone strikes on every country
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that was mean to me in this
dream I had last night...
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Iraq, Belgium, and Birdville.
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My office has a big list
of all the countries,
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and I don't think
Birdville is on the list.
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Also the fire has spread
to the hem of my pants.
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I'm with Pompeo on this one.
I also appear to be on fire.
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[JARED] Hey! Focus!
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- [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
- Sprinklers!
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DeVos, get out the Slip 'N Slide!
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Bolton, you son of a bitch,
we need music!
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Yay! Yay! Yay!
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♪ Close your eyes
and envision in your mind ♪
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♪ Innocent days when you were... ♪
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That cabinet meeting
was more embarrassing
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than my dad describing the type of porn
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he wanted me to sneak into his prison.
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An unnamed source
who definitely isn't me
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is leaking that the cabinet is in chaos.
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Which is the kind of issue
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Democrats would love
to bury you with in 2020.
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Just let me get some
competent people in here.
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I know how to hire people, Jared.
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I learned it from
the Dalai Lama himself
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at Trump Plaza in 1984.
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He taught me how to see
into a person's soul
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to determine their true excellence.
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To know the best when I see it.
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And when I can't see it, I can smell it.
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And if it's smelly enough
and the windows are closed,
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I can kind of taste it, too.
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Of course. The best is
whatever you say is the best.
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Don't you tell me what the best is.
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The best is whatever I say is the best!
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♪♪
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Aha, Chuck Todd!
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Now that I've destroyed your argument
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against undocumented
children being housed
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three to a port-o-potty,
you must do penance
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by flogging yourself
with this cat o' nine tails!
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Ugh. I always regret not knocking first.
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Stevie, I'm afraid your appearance
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on Meet The Press is canceled.
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But, sir, I've been going on
as many Tinder dates as I can
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just to practice talking over people.
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The media's coming after my cabinet.
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I need someone with sophistication.
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Not someone who time
travelers kept trying to kill
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when they were a baby.
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[ERIC] You're not going to
replace your cabinet again,
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are you, Dad? Some of them are so new,
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I can't talk to them because
of the Stranger Danger rule.
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They're not going anywhere,
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unless Herman Cain shows interest,
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and I need to trade the whole
team to land that all-star.
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Did you see what your
genius cabinet has done?
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Cured cancer?
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Trump's cabinet is cancer.
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Heh. Talk about an air ball.
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Here are screw-ups from
the past seven days.
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John Bolton locked himself
in the trunk of his own car.
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Mike Pompeo wore traditional silk
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to meet the Thai delegation
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and kept sliding off all the furniture.
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Ben Carson fell down the same well
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he's fallen down six times.
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Anyone looks bad when you
focus on what they did.
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I am only in the same house
as you a few days a year.
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Hire someone to control these
idiots so I can feel safe.
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I suppose it couldn't hurt to
interview a candidate or two.
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You know, just in case
any staff get caught
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joining the mile-high
club on a log flume!
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If you don't get caught,
you're not doing it right!
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♪♪
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Say hello to your next
Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty.
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Former State Rep, Governor of Minnesota,
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and chair of several
presidential campaigns.
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Our schedule is pretty grueling.
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We demand a three-week commitment,
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followed by two weeks of being
maligned by me on social media.
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Those you can work from home.
Now let's see what you can do.
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I am here to put this house in order.
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First, everyone must
attend all meetings.
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No more dressing your
housekeeper up in your clothes
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and sending her in your place.
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- [ALL GROAN]
- Uh-uh-uh.
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And for the sake of time-management,
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no wasting ten minutes
complimenting the President,
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and we all read your
briefings together, word by...
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Tim Pawlenty is so fired!
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I'd like to thank Tim for
his eight minutes of service,
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but I can't because he was terrible!
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It's been an honor to
serve you, Mr. President.
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Ugh! Go back to
Minnesota and milk a lake!
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Go on, get!
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So things get a little bumpy
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and you go running into
the boring arms of Pawlenty?
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Relax. Jared says he has
other great candidates.
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Ever heard of Newt Gingrich?
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Jared knows this guy who
looks exactly like him.
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But only you know
who the best people are.
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What's your gut tell you?
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- Bigfoot is real.
- What else?
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It's telling me that maybe
we shouldn't hire someone
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just because he's got a good résumé
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and never ran a
glass-bottom boat ashore.
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[MILLER] I just feel like I'm in a rut.
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The President won't give
me a high-profile role
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that allows me to really spread my ooze.
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Not everyone has the charismatic
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megawatt "it" factor
that makes me a star.
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- You're trash!
- Rot in hell! Shame
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- Shame! Shame!
- Shame! Shame!
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For the sake of other diners,
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and so I can look my future
grandchildren in the eye,
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I must ask you to leave.
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I'll take this to go. If
the chef spits in it again,
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tell him to gargle some Cholula first.
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It could use a kick.
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[CRUZ] Well! Well, well, well!
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If it isn't Trump's human shield.
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Can't go out in public without somebody
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taking a long hot wizz on their shoes.
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I remember those days.
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That was before I grew the
beard and everything changed.
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Growing facial hair made
people like Ted Cruz?
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Senator Cruz, right this way.
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The other diners can't
wait to regard the majesty
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of your plentiful whiskers.
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Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take
a picture, it'll last longer,
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but I don't show up in photographs!
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♪♪
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I don't
want new people, Jared.
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But Americans no longer
trust your cabinet.
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This is the first
time since the founding
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that the White House has been
denied homeowners insurance.
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How can you know that
these people are the best?
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Jared, when your dad
picked out which prostitute
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to film your uncle having sex with,
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he didn't hold a casting call.
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He just knew.
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Just like I can't know someone's
the best by his résumé.
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I know it by the joke
he writes on the check
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where he's supposed to leave a tip.
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My cabinet is already the best.
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And I'm going to teach them
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to unlock that bestness
within themselves.
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You know what? Let's... Let's do it.
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Let's make your team so competent
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that they'll stop showing
up late because they went
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to the wrong White House.
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[BEN CARSON, ECHOING] Help! Help!
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Ben Carson fell down
the well again, sir.
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Lower a bucket of
saltines to him, Kellyanne!
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A lot of saltines! He's
got a big day tomorrow!
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♪♪
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Today's gonna be a little different.
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Follow the President's lead,
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or you'll be just another
loser on the unemployment line
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with a million-dollar book deal.
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Did
someone say "loser"?
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[ALL GASP]
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How'd you sneak in here?!
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Am I here?
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♪ ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
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♪♪
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- Or am I here?
- Ooh!
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They say you're losers, the
worst cabinet in history.
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With my teaching, you'll be able
to look them in the eye and say,
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"No, you're the
worst cabinet in history!"
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Your journey begins now.
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Come with me if you want to live.
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Oh, God damn it. I don't wanna...
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Again? Oh, no. Come on.
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I don't wanna go anywhere.
Oh, why do we have to go...
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Ugh. Jesus Christ. No.
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[CRUZ] This is the first
time I've had a visitor.
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Are you peckish? Can I offer you
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00:09:01,544 --> 00:09:03,810
a cold battery from
my freezer to suck on?
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00:09:03,812 --> 00:09:05,579
Say, what's that on your face?
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00:09:05,581 --> 00:09:07,948
I want to become more likable
in the eyes of the President,
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so I grew a beard exactly like yours.
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Any notes?
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00:09:11,820 --> 00:09:13,486
I'm afraid Donald Trump thinks a man
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00:09:13,488 --> 00:09:16,623
should keep his face as smooth
as a 3-D printed assault rifle.
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He does like a
nice head of hair, though.
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00:09:19,561 --> 00:09:21,995
You can make a wig out
of my beard shavings.
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00:09:21,997 --> 00:09:23,964
I would donate it to
a cancer kids charity,
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00:09:23,966 --> 00:09:25,932
but it causes a vitamin D deficiency
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00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:28,935
as well as a massive spike
in every other vitamin.
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00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:32,072
Now you just need a complete
personality transformation.
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00:09:32,074 --> 00:09:35,441
But who will save America from
caravans of Guatemalan moms
247
00:09:35,443 --> 00:09:36,748
if not Stephen Miller?!
248
00:09:36,773 --> 00:09:39,674
Stephen Miller is dead!
Don't you get it?!
249
00:09:40,382 --> 00:09:42,683
Now let's go make some
hair-lovin' friends.
250
00:09:42,685 --> 00:09:44,151
♪ ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
251
00:09:44,153 --> 00:09:48,221
To be the best, you must believe
you are the best at everything.
252
00:09:48,223 --> 00:09:50,557
I want each of you to walk a tightrope
253
00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,225
to the Washington Monument.
254
00:09:52,227 --> 00:09:55,595
The best do not
hesitate; they simply do.
255
00:09:55,597 --> 00:09:58,331
Use the force. There is no spoon.
256
00:09:58,333 --> 00:10:00,333
Time to make the donuts.
257
00:10:00,335 --> 00:10:01,668
- I believe in you.
- You got this!
258
00:10:01,670 --> 00:10:02,902
Watch out for airplanes.
259
00:10:02,904 --> 00:10:04,404
- Now I believe in physics!
- [BODY THUDS]
260
00:10:04,406 --> 00:10:06,072
- You're up, Bolton.
- You can do it, Bolton.
261
00:10:06,074 --> 00:10:07,873
[BOLTON] Look at me! I'm a bomb!
262
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,008
- Kaboom!
- [BODY THUDS]
263
00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:10,310
Yeah, I think I got this.
264
00:10:11,089 --> 00:10:12,389
[BODY THUDS]
265
00:10:12,414 --> 00:10:14,414
This is terrible. What else is on?
266
00:10:14,416 --> 00:10:16,048
Sir, let me take a crack.
267
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:17,850
If I can hold my nose and work for
268
00:10:17,852 --> 00:10:20,252
a casino bankrupting
failed steak salesmen...
269
00:10:20,254 --> 00:10:22,721
not you... I can turn this crew around.
270
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:23,855
[BODY THUDS]
271
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:25,324
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
272
00:10:25,326 --> 00:10:29,261
Mister Cruz, lovely to see you
and that coarse thicket.
273
00:10:29,263 --> 00:10:31,430
Who is your elegantly coiffed companion?
274
00:10:31,432 --> 00:10:33,732
This is my friend from politics.
275
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,634
- His name is...
- Stefan!
276
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,802
Je m'appelle Stefan Millar.
277
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,939
I am Washington's newest cad about town.
278
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:42,774
It's ya boy!
279
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,777
Thank God you said Stefan
Millar and not Stephen Miller.
280
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,880
He's as disgusting as the
things we do to his food.
281
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,216
Sea bass marinated in
the liquid wrung from
282
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,318
the bus boy's exercise undergarments.
283
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,721
Table bread that's been
dipped in industrial cleaner
284
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:57,021
and used to clean tables.
285
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,757
That one actually tasted pretty good.
286
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:01,826
I once straight up took
a dump on his kale caesar.
287
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,294
Right this way, Mister Millar!
288
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:04,429
Yes, sir!
289
00:11:06,288 --> 00:11:08,499
[CONWAY] Before you sits a spirit potion
290
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,669
composed of Diet Coke
concentrate and expired pills
291
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,472
I swiped from the
President's nightstand.
292
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:17,976
Drink deep, and you will
walk the path to bestness...
293
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,610
or you'll die instantly.
294
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:20,812
Win, win.
295
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:23,214
[ALL SLURPING]
296
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,283
[THUD]
297
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,253
We have the best people...
298
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:30,454
The best people... The best people...
299
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:32,023
The best people... The best people...
300
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,057
Best people. We have the
best people in the world.
301
00:11:34,059 --> 00:11:35,592
The best people... Best people...
302
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:37,127
Best people... best people...
303
00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:38,728
Best people... best people...
304
00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:41,231
Best people... best
people... best people...
305
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:44,902
♪ ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
306
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:48,505
I'm finally dead. And
I still have my wallet!
307
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:51,041
I knew I could take my money with me!
308
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,877
No way would I be dead
and not burning in hell.
309
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,146
Must be some lame spiritual plane
310
00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:58,215
where all truth is revealed.
311
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:01,819
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]
312
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:04,221
[THUNDEROUS] To walk
the path to bestness,
313
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,990
you must embrace these truths...
314
00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:09,592
If he says it, you agree.
315
00:12:09,594 --> 00:12:12,094
Do not do for yourself what you can scam
316
00:12:12,096 --> 00:12:15,097
a subcontractor into doing for you.
317
00:12:15,099 --> 00:12:18,367
And Graydon Carter should have
been fired from Vanity Fair
318
00:12:18,369 --> 00:12:20,102
a long time ago,
319
00:12:20,104 --> 00:12:23,739
that magazine has never
recovered, such a shame.
320
00:12:23,741 --> 00:12:27,243
[ALL, HYPNOTIZED] I agree.
Scam subcontractors.
321
00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:29,178
Graydon Carter sucks.
322
00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:32,315
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
323
00:12:32,317 --> 00:12:35,684
Graydon Carter sucks. I agree.
324
00:12:35,686 --> 00:12:38,387
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
325
00:12:38,389 --> 00:12:41,435
How 'bout that economy?
Is it doing great or what?
326
00:12:42,521 --> 00:12:44,493
I... agree?
327
00:12:44,495 --> 00:12:46,794
Wow! Nothin' but net, Bolton.
328
00:12:46,796 --> 00:12:49,064
- Betsy. Schools?
- Very schools!
329
00:12:49,066 --> 00:12:50,098
Swish!
330
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,733
Mike Pompeo, North Korea?
331
00:12:51,735 --> 00:12:53,668
Uh, gettin' Norther every day.
332
00:12:53,670 --> 00:12:55,136
Three points and the foul.
333
00:12:55,138 --> 00:12:56,838
- Mnuchin?
- We got money in the thing.
334
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,341
Basketball went in
the basketball basket!
335
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,142
Last but not least, Ben Carson.
336
00:13:01,144 --> 00:13:04,212
- Where are we on...
- Graydon Carter sucks?
337
00:13:04,214 --> 00:13:06,147
Ben with the buzzer beater!
338
00:13:06,149 --> 00:13:09,184
They gave that guy a magazine? Terrible.
339
00:13:09,186 --> 00:13:12,487
Everyone, you are truly the best.
340
00:13:12,489 --> 00:13:14,890
♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
341
00:13:14,892 --> 00:13:16,925
♪ It's "Fox & Friends" ♪
342
00:13:16,927 --> 00:13:18,459
Last week, we said the President
343
00:13:18,461 --> 00:13:20,627
should have his entire cabinet executed
344
00:13:20,629 --> 00:13:22,596
and run the government by himself.
345
00:13:22,598 --> 00:13:24,198
But we're eatin' those words
346
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,966
after yesterday's cabinet meeting
347
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:28,936
went off without a single
gun fired into the ceilin'!
348
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,304
I won them back!
349
00:13:30,306 --> 00:13:32,339
And they've questioned my every move
350
00:13:32,341 --> 00:13:34,241
since declaring me infallible.
351
00:13:34,243 --> 00:13:36,277
When we come back, the hot goss
352
00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:38,678
on the Beltway It Boy, Stefan Millar.
353
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,814
Just last night he was
seen at a restaurant
354
00:13:40,816 --> 00:13:43,250
Gwyneth Paltrow might visit someday.
355
00:13:43,252 --> 00:13:45,019
Jared, get me Stefan Millar.
356
00:13:45,021 --> 00:13:48,255
He's got something special...
he was just on my TV.
357
00:13:48,257 --> 00:13:50,557
[PHOTOGRAPHER] GQ loves you so much.
358
00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:52,893
Now break that news,
baby. I can take it.
359
00:13:52,895 --> 00:13:54,261
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
360
00:13:54,263 --> 00:13:56,396
Stefan Millar is less a spokesperson
361
00:13:56,398 --> 00:13:58,231
and more a way of life.
362
00:13:58,233 --> 00:13:59,733
[VOICE WHISPERS] Stefan...
363
00:13:59,735 --> 00:14:02,436
A lot of people tell me I'm the
smartest guy they've ever met.
364
00:14:02,438 --> 00:14:04,504
And I'm like, "You need
to meet more people!"
365
00:14:04,506 --> 00:14:06,072
[VOICE WHISPERS] Meet more people...
366
00:14:06,074 --> 00:14:09,876
Confession! I've gone to
the grocery store in pajamas!
367
00:14:09,878 --> 00:14:11,311
[VOICE WHISPERS] Relatable...
368
00:14:11,313 --> 00:14:13,880
People ask me what I'm thinking
about during these things.
369
00:14:13,882 --> 00:14:16,817
To be honest... pizza and Netflix. Ha!
370
00:14:17,419 --> 00:14:19,519
[MNUCHIN] Here's to
being the best people,
371
00:14:19,521 --> 00:14:21,621
and all it took was drinking poison.
372
00:14:21,623 --> 00:14:22,956
[ALL] Cheers!
373
00:14:22,958 --> 00:14:26,493
Oh, wow. A fan's sending
us a bottle of wine.
374
00:14:26,495 --> 00:14:27,961
[BOTTLES SHATTERING]
375
00:14:27,963 --> 00:14:30,330
- You still suck!
- We still hate you!
376
00:14:30,332 --> 00:14:32,999
Excuse me. Uh, since my name is already
377
00:14:33,001 --> 00:14:35,634
a nationwide trending topic
just for approaching your table,
378
00:14:35,636 --> 00:14:37,770
- I must ask you to leave.
- [DINERS SHOUTING]
379
00:14:37,772 --> 00:14:40,183
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Stefan Millar, I saw you
380
00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:42,308
on Fox & Friends, so you got the job.
381
00:14:42,310 --> 00:14:44,543
I'm thinking new press secretary/
382
00:14:44,545 --> 00:14:46,645
speechwriter/best friend.
383
00:14:46,647 --> 00:14:48,814
- I won't let you down, sir!
- Cool.
384
00:14:48,816 --> 00:14:51,817
Your first job is to fire
the guy you're replacing.
385
00:14:51,819 --> 00:14:53,386
Get Stephen Miller in here.
386
00:14:53,388 --> 00:14:56,055
Um, shouldn't I fill out my
on-boarding paperwork first?
387
00:14:56,057 --> 00:14:57,756
We don't do that kind of thing here.
388
00:14:57,758 --> 00:15:01,027
This is gonna be
pathetic. I can't watch.
389
00:15:01,365 --> 00:15:02,432
Um...
390
00:15:02,998 --> 00:15:04,563
[AS MILLER] This is Stephen Miller!
391
00:15:04,565 --> 00:15:06,899
Who are you, and why are you so cool?!
392
00:15:06,901 --> 00:15:08,433
[AS MILLAR] I'm Stefan Millar,
393
00:15:08,435 --> 00:15:10,465
and you're fired, Stephen Miller.
394
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:11,570
[AS MILLER] But Mr. President,
395
00:15:11,572 --> 00:15:12,938
I, Stephen Miller, can change!
396
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:15,374
I can't hear you,
Stevie. My back is turned.
397
00:15:15,376 --> 00:15:17,977
I, Stephen Miller, won't
leave without a fight!
398
00:15:17,979 --> 00:15:21,446
I challenge you, Stefan
Millar, to a sword fight!
399
00:15:21,448 --> 00:15:22,982
Draw your sword, coward!
400
00:15:22,984 --> 00:15:24,282
Ting! Ting! Shing!
401
00:15:24,284 --> 00:15:26,318
Wow. I'd turn around and watch,
402
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,622
but I don't want to move out
of this nice warm sunbeam.
403
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,524
[AS MILLER] Hunh! Curses!
404
00:15:31,526 --> 00:15:34,026
I, Stephen Miller, am slain!
405
00:15:34,028 --> 00:15:35,293
Tell Rush Limbaugh...
406
00:15:35,295 --> 00:15:37,194
I'll be tuning in from on high.
407
00:15:37,196 --> 00:15:39,697
Arrrgh!
408
00:15:39,699 --> 00:15:40,899
Whew!
409
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:42,934
[AS MILLAR] Who are
you five lovely maidens?
410
00:15:42,936 --> 00:15:45,069
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] We are
Stephen Miller's girlfriends!
411
00:15:45,071 --> 00:15:49,407
[VOICES DIFFERING] Sandy,
Mandy, Candy, Tandy, and Shandy!
412
00:15:49,409 --> 00:15:51,475
Who will give us the gift of child now?
413
00:15:51,477 --> 00:15:54,512
[AS MILLAR] I, Stefan Millar,
will fertilize each of you
414
00:15:54,514 --> 00:15:56,080
with my oxygenized seed.
415
00:15:56,082 --> 00:15:57,515
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh, thank heavens!
416
00:15:57,517 --> 00:16:00,151
See you later for the good type of sex
417
00:16:00,153 --> 00:16:02,587
we had with Stephen
Miller all of the time.
418
00:16:02,589 --> 00:16:05,557
[DEEP VOICE] Wee-oo
wee-oo! We are the police!
419
00:16:05,559 --> 00:16:08,059
We would arrest you for murder,
but you're just too cool.
420
00:16:08,061 --> 00:16:10,795
Here, we'll get this
body out of the way. Unh!
421
00:16:10,797 --> 00:16:13,064
Holy hell! What a ripped body!
422
00:16:13,066 --> 00:16:15,766
Weee-oo! Weee-oo!
423
00:16:15,768 --> 00:16:18,769
[AS MILLAR, PANTING] It's done, sir.
424
00:16:19,185 --> 00:16:20,518
How did he take it?
425
00:16:21,099 --> 00:16:23,084
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I know
everyone's a little down,
426
00:16:23,109 --> 00:16:25,142
but this is the burden
of being the best.
427
00:16:25,144 --> 00:16:27,744
The Dalai Lama was hated
so much, not a single
428
00:16:27,746 --> 00:16:30,714
Atlantic City T-shirt shop
let him use their bathroom.
429
00:16:30,716 --> 00:16:35,419
But the important thing is,
I'm happy, so everything's fine!
430
00:16:35,421 --> 00:16:36,887
Maybe it's because someone poured
431
00:16:36,889 --> 00:16:38,522
béarnaise sauce into my handbag,
432
00:16:38,524 --> 00:16:41,024
but I'm not feeling the best anymore.
433
00:16:41,026 --> 00:16:42,493
- Join the club, sister.
- Yeah.
434
00:16:42,495 --> 00:16:44,228
There's a steak knife in my leg.
435
00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:46,696
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Your only rule is...
436
00:16:46,698 --> 00:16:49,399
if Stephen Miller would have
said it, say the opposite.
437
00:16:49,401 --> 00:16:53,436
I guess his ideas did only
make sense to people hung like him.
438
00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:56,372
Meet my new press
secretary, Stefan Millar.
439
00:16:56,374 --> 00:16:58,174
He's gonna charm the pants off ya,
440
00:16:58,176 --> 00:17:00,743
so leave your pants over there
in the bin marked "pants."
441
00:17:00,745 --> 00:17:02,745
Stefan, how do you feel about the ruling
442
00:17:02,747 --> 00:17:05,014
that the undocumented can't
be detained indefinitely?
443
00:17:05,016 --> 00:17:08,784
[STRAINED] Jim... I... am not furious.
444
00:17:08,786 --> 00:17:10,886
And we are not...
445
00:17:10,888 --> 00:17:14,657
planning to rendition the
judges to a black site in Qatar.
446
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,661
Go easy, guys. This is Stefan
Millar, not Stephen Miller.
447
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:21,029
You can tell because Stefan
didn't just finish eating
448
00:17:21,031 --> 00:17:23,732
a candy bar that I rubbed
on a bathroom floor.
449
00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:25,667
- [REPORTERS CHUCKLING]
- Good one, Mr. President.
450
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:28,770
When my Grandpa died, I slipped
a stick of gum into his coffin,
451
00:17:28,772 --> 00:17:30,405
then a year later, I dug up the body,
452
00:17:30,407 --> 00:17:32,707
grabbed the stick of gum,
and gave it to Stephen Miller.
453
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:33,975
He chewed it on camera!
454
00:17:33,977 --> 00:17:35,177
[REPORTERS AND TRUMP
LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY]
455
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,479
Acosta, you're alright.
456
00:17:38,915 --> 00:17:40,616
[ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING]
457
00:17:40,618 --> 00:17:43,885
I made Palomas, no
thanks to you jerkholes.
458
00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:46,721
God, Mattis! I said I'd help
after my meditation hike!
459
00:17:46,723 --> 00:17:48,123
You just love playing the victim.
460
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:50,692
Oh, kiss my ass, McMaster.
461
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:53,262
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- John Kelly, four star general
462
00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:55,496
of the United States military, retired.
463
00:17:55,498 --> 00:17:56,731
Namaste?
464
00:17:56,733 --> 00:17:58,399
[BOLTON] Sorry to bother you, guys.
465
00:17:58,401 --> 00:18:00,301
Me and the fellas were just wondering,
466
00:18:00,303 --> 00:18:02,236
since we're all in Trump's cabinet,
467
00:18:02,238 --> 00:18:03,938
does that mean we're the best?
468
00:18:03,940 --> 00:18:06,875
[LAUGHTER OVER PHONE]
469
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:11,046
Not only are you not the best,
but simply by working there
470
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,847
you're guaranteeing your obituaries
471
00:18:12,849 --> 00:18:15,016
will include the word "co-conspirator."
472
00:18:15,018 --> 00:18:16,985
Get the hell out of there
while you can still work
473
00:18:16,987 --> 00:18:19,353
as a graveyard-shift
commentator on Fox Business!
474
00:18:19,355 --> 00:18:23,257
♪♪
475
00:18:23,259 --> 00:18:26,161
Where are my besties? I want
to watch them fall again.
476
00:18:26,163 --> 00:18:28,762
I'm afraid the whole
cabinet resigned, sir.
477
00:18:28,786 --> 00:18:30,199
_
478
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,300
You sure this isn't a suicide note?
479
00:18:32,302 --> 00:18:33,767
Don't worry. They're alive.
480
00:18:33,769 --> 00:18:35,869
I got like six calls today
from Celebrity Big Brother
481
00:18:35,871 --> 00:18:37,205
checking their references.
482
00:18:37,207 --> 00:18:38,639
This doesn't make sense.
483
00:18:38,641 --> 00:18:40,341
I've always hired the best people,
484
00:18:40,343 --> 00:18:42,610
ever since my days with the Dalai Lama.
485
00:18:42,612 --> 00:18:44,194
Sir, about that...
486
00:18:45,186 --> 00:18:46,947
The bad news is the Dalai Lama
487
00:18:46,949 --> 00:18:48,649
was a vagrant who wore bed sheets
488
00:18:48,651 --> 00:18:50,618
and sold Rubik's Cubes on the boardwalk.
489
00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:52,953
The good news is I got
us a deal on T-shirts
490
00:18:52,955 --> 00:18:56,156
that say "Jersey Girls Aren't
Trash. Trash Gets Taken Out."
491
00:18:56,158 --> 00:18:57,658
If the Times runs this story tomorrow,
492
00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:59,126
it's because someone stole my phone
493
00:18:59,128 --> 00:19:00,728
- and texted it to them just now.
- [SENT TEXT MESSAGE WHOOSHES]
494
00:19:00,730 --> 00:19:03,497
Wait. If I hired them and
they're not the best people,
495
00:19:03,499 --> 00:19:06,666
then I might not be the best
person, but I am the best.
496
00:19:06,668 --> 00:19:09,468
This is the sort of
paradox that fake Dalai Lama
497
00:19:09,470 --> 00:19:12,571
would know just the right T-shirt for.
498
00:19:12,573 --> 00:19:14,240
♪♪
499
00:19:14,242 --> 00:19:17,009
At least the Democrats can't
use my cabinet against me
500
00:19:17,011 --> 00:19:18,811
if I don't have a cabinet anymore.
501
00:19:18,813 --> 00:19:20,346
Democratic strategists
502
00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:22,949
are focus testing their new 2020 slogan,
503
00:19:22,951 --> 00:19:26,382
"Trump's So Lame Even His
Loser Cabinet Ditched Him."
504
00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:27,720
Crap. That's a winner.
505
00:19:27,722 --> 00:19:31,057
Of course, Trump still has
Stefan Millar in his stable.
506
00:19:31,059 --> 00:19:33,025
But for how long?
507
00:19:33,664 --> 00:19:35,494
[CRUZ] Why aren't you excited?
508
00:19:35,496 --> 00:19:36,996
You got everything you wanted,
509
00:19:36,998 --> 00:19:39,365
and all you had to
do was sell your soul.
510
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:40,733
Exactly.
511
00:19:40,735 --> 00:19:43,401
It's Stefan Millar at the podium,
not Stephen Miller.
512
00:19:43,403 --> 00:19:46,071
What's the point if I can't
describe the border wall
513
00:19:46,073 --> 00:19:48,606
in vivid, sexually vulgar detail?
514
00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:51,877
Big, pulsating turrets
quivering with gunfire!
515
00:19:51,879 --> 00:19:53,344
Try not to hurt your new image.
516
00:19:53,346 --> 00:19:54,880
Don't let your mouth write checks
517
00:19:54,882 --> 00:19:57,482
my beard hair glued to
your scalp can't cash.
518
00:19:57,484 --> 00:19:58,884
[MANAGER] Compliments of the house,
519
00:19:58,886 --> 00:20:01,953
the finest wine Mexico has to offer.
520
00:20:01,955 --> 00:20:05,323
[MANAGER'S VOICE ECHOING]
Mexico... Mexico... Mexico...
521
00:20:05,325 --> 00:20:07,125
- Mexico... Mexico...
- [SLURPING]
522
00:20:07,127 --> 00:20:09,261
Oh-hoo-hoo! Those Oaxacan grapes
523
00:20:09,263 --> 00:20:13,298
are bringing sweet nourishment
to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz!
524
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,366
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz!
525
00:20:15,368 --> 00:20:16,601
Mexico...
526
00:20:16,603 --> 00:20:19,437
- Mexico... Mexico... Mexico.
- Oh, God.
527
00:20:19,439 --> 00:20:21,172
It's so good!
528
00:20:21,174 --> 00:20:24,175
I'm sorry, Stephen Miller! Aaah!
529
00:20:24,177 --> 00:20:27,978
[PAINFULLY] Ya Boy's so sorry!
530
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:31,916
♪♪
531
00:20:31,918 --> 00:20:34,251
Sometimes I stare into the distance,
532
00:20:34,253 --> 00:20:36,387
wondering if, across the world,
533
00:20:36,389 --> 00:20:39,457
there's a little kid in
Birdville staring back at me.
534
00:20:39,459 --> 00:20:41,659
You really miss your cabinet, don't you?
535
00:20:41,661 --> 00:20:44,228
We had one of our best
days together up here.
536
00:20:44,230 --> 00:20:47,064
This is where they all
fell and nearly died.
537
00:20:47,066 --> 00:20:49,367
Hey, Dad. Remember when me and Eric
538
00:20:49,369 --> 00:20:51,068
- were little kids?
- Gross.
539
00:20:51,070 --> 00:20:53,637
Remember what you used to
tell us before we went to bed?
540
00:20:53,639 --> 00:20:54,839
You'd say...
541
00:20:54,841 --> 00:20:56,473
You're nothing without me.
542
00:20:56,475 --> 00:21:00,044
And if I ever die, which I
won't, you'll be nothing again.
543
00:21:00,046 --> 00:21:01,879
[DON AND ERIC JR.] Night, Dad!
544
00:21:01,881 --> 00:21:03,680
That kept me going, Dad.
545
00:21:03,682 --> 00:21:05,382
I knew I didn't need to work hard
546
00:21:05,384 --> 00:21:07,084
or have any talent, intelligence,
547
00:21:07,086 --> 00:21:09,086
or even a tolerable personality.
548
00:21:09,088 --> 00:21:10,587
I just needed you.
549
00:21:10,589 --> 00:21:13,290
I wanted to give my
kids the whole world,
550
00:21:13,292 --> 00:21:15,893
and since I am the whole world, I did.
551
00:21:15,895 --> 00:21:18,295
And that's what you should
have done with your cabinet.
552
00:21:18,297 --> 00:21:21,732
To be the best, they don't need
to have faith in themselves.
553
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:24,001
They just need to have faith in you.
554
00:21:24,003 --> 00:21:25,302
Thanks, Don.
555
00:21:25,304 --> 00:21:27,738
Tell General Kellyanne to
get my cabinet back here
556
00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:30,464
so they can watch the best be the best!
557
00:21:31,477 --> 00:21:32,577
Oh, and Don...
558
00:21:33,879 --> 00:21:35,746
You're still nothing without me.
559
00:21:36,548 --> 00:21:38,716
I know, Dad. I know.
560
00:21:39,718 --> 00:21:43,186
♪♪
561
00:21:43,188 --> 00:21:46,623
[CAN RATTLING, SPRAYING]
562
00:21:46,625 --> 00:21:50,660
Hey! Try using a star
of David to dot the I.
563
00:21:50,662 --> 00:21:52,796
- That's a really cool idea, man.
- _
564
00:21:52,798 --> 00:21:55,331
Hey, you look like Stephen
Miller. You know that guy?
565
00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:58,034
He was one of the most
talented bigots in the game.
566
00:21:58,036 --> 00:21:59,535
I wonder whatever happened to him.
567
00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:01,284
So do I.
568
00:22:01,309 --> 00:22:03,572
He used to eat at the
Shakey's where I worked.
569
00:22:03,574 --> 00:22:06,675
Man, we'd all compete to
see how much of our insides
570
00:22:06,677 --> 00:22:08,377
we could get onto each slice.
571
00:22:08,379 --> 00:22:10,546
Still, hell of a racist, though.
572
00:22:10,548 --> 00:22:13,649
♪♪
573
00:22:13,651 --> 00:22:15,284
They're not coming, are they?
574
00:22:15,286 --> 00:22:17,753
Trust me, Mr. President,
they'll be here.
575
00:22:17,755 --> 00:22:18,921
[DEVOS] Did I win?!
576
00:22:18,923 --> 00:22:20,322
Is this the championship episode?!
577
00:22:20,324 --> 00:22:23,191
None of you losers are contestants
on The Amazing Race.
578
00:22:23,193 --> 00:22:24,527
I lied to get you here.
579
00:22:24,529 --> 00:22:25,828
- Aww!
- That stinks.
580
00:22:25,830 --> 00:22:29,398
A vagrant with IBS who I
thought was the Dalai Lama
581
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,800
taught me about the dichotomy of man.
582
00:22:31,802 --> 00:22:35,404
Just like a Rubik's Cube can
be both solved and unsolved
583
00:22:35,406 --> 00:22:37,139
if you never take it out of the box,
584
00:22:37,141 --> 00:22:40,442
an employee can be both
the best and the worst.
585
00:22:40,444 --> 00:22:42,677
Without me, you're all the worst,
586
00:22:42,679 --> 00:22:45,247
but you're all the best because of me.
587
00:22:45,249 --> 00:22:46,815
And now I'll prove it...
588
00:22:46,817 --> 00:22:49,851
by walking to the Washington Monument!
589
00:22:49,853 --> 00:22:51,886
Tell my wife she loves me!
590
00:22:51,888 --> 00:22:53,188
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he's really doing it!
591
00:22:53,190 --> 00:22:55,257
Is the Secret Service
really allowing this?
592
00:22:55,259 --> 00:22:56,925
[TIRES SCREECH, CAMERA
SHUTTERS CLICKING]
593
00:22:56,927 --> 00:23:00,795
[EXHALES DEEPLY] I'm
comin' home, Birdville Boy.
594
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:02,897
[CREAKING]
595
00:23:04,533 --> 00:23:06,533
[RUMBLING]
596
00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:11,672
[SIRENS WAILING]
597
00:23:11,929 --> 00:23:14,508
Fake... news?
598
00:23:15,459 --> 00:23:18,512
Who had June for Trump toppling
the Washington Monument?
599
00:23:18,514 --> 00:23:20,581
- That was me! Pay up.
- Aww.
600
00:23:20,583 --> 00:23:22,116
Oh, man.
601
00:23:22,118 --> 00:23:24,418
I hope the people at
the top of that monument
602
00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:26,020
had their seatbelts on.
603
00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:27,636
[AS MILLER] What the!
604
00:23:27,661 --> 00:23:29,733
God, I'm so friggin' embarrassed.
605
00:23:29,758 --> 00:23:32,793
Someone do something! Where's Stefan?!
606
00:23:33,783 --> 00:23:36,397
Stefan can't help you, Mr. President,
607
00:23:36,399 --> 00:23:39,233
but I know someone who can!
608
00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:42,202
This is Stephen Miller!
609
00:23:42,204 --> 00:23:44,738
The President's life
has been put in danger
610
00:23:44,740 --> 00:23:47,007
by this Mexican manufactured tightrope
611
00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:49,442
which was clearly sabotaged!
612
00:23:49,444 --> 00:23:51,845
Just as Mexicans have sabotaged
613
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,981
the dream of millions of Americans
614
00:23:53,983 --> 00:23:58,218
to get a job debeaking
chickens at a factory farm!
615
00:23:58,220 --> 00:24:03,023
We must retaliate against this
hostile act with military might!
616
00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:05,125
Breaking news. Stephen
Miller has announced
617
00:24:05,127 --> 00:24:08,529
the administration has
declared war on Mexico,
618
00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:11,231
causing viewers to seek comfort
619
00:24:11,233 --> 00:24:14,166
in the folds of my deeply furrowed brow.
620
00:24:14,168 --> 00:24:17,003
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] It's
good to have you all back.
621
00:24:17,005 --> 00:24:18,337
I'm glad you've come to see
622
00:24:18,339 --> 00:24:21,040
that because I'm the best, you are, too.
623
00:24:21,042 --> 00:24:23,509
Also, all the job interviews we went on
624
00:24:23,511 --> 00:24:26,445
ended up being really
violent YouTube pranks.
625
00:24:26,447 --> 00:24:28,948
I want to especially
commend Stefan Millar
626
00:24:28,950 --> 00:24:30,516
who changed the conversation
627
00:24:30,518 --> 00:24:32,919
about me destroying a national monument
628
00:24:32,921 --> 00:24:35,888
by launching a debate
over an unnecessary war.
629
00:24:35,890 --> 00:24:38,457
[AS MILLER] Actually, sir,
it was I, Stephen Miller!
630
00:24:38,459 --> 00:24:41,427
I was Stefan Millar the whole time.
631
00:24:41,429 --> 00:24:43,295
Got it. Fire Stefan Millar
632
00:24:43,297 --> 00:24:45,263
for leaving me out to dry last night.
633
00:24:45,265 --> 00:24:46,531
Right away, sir!
634
00:24:46,533 --> 00:24:49,801
Stefan, en garde!
Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting!
635
00:24:49,803 --> 00:24:51,402
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hello, boys!
636
00:24:51,404 --> 00:24:54,272
[MILLER] Ah. My insatiable
maidens have returned!
637
00:24:54,297 --> 00:24:55,440
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
638
00:24:55,442 --> 00:24:57,208
Just like old times,
639
00:24:57,210 --> 00:25:00,712
with a nice cozy uncontrolled
fire to keep us warm.
640
00:25:00,714 --> 00:25:02,047
[PAINED GROAN, THUD]
641
00:25:02,049 --> 00:25:04,816
I think Wilbur Ross just
died of smoke inhalation!
642
00:25:04,818 --> 00:25:06,084
What should we do?!
643
00:25:06,086 --> 00:25:07,953
Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop
up his corpse and mix it
644
00:25:07,955 --> 00:25:09,454
into Stephen Miller's food!
645
00:25:09,456 --> 00:25:10,976
[ALL] Yay!
646
00:25:11,925 --> 00:25:13,324
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
647
00:25:13,326 --> 00:25:16,427
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
648
00:25:16,429 --> 00:25:19,997
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
649
00:25:19,999 --> 00:25:22,466
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
650
00:25:22,468 --> 00:25:23,867
♪ Yes, he is ♪
651
00:25:23,869 --> 00:25:27,004
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
652
00:25:27,006 --> 00:25:29,673
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
653
00:25:29,675 --> 00:25:31,141
♪ Yes, he is ♪
654
00:25:31,143 --> 00:25:34,111
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
655
00:25:34,113 --> 00:25:39,149
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
656
00:25:41,286 --> 00:25:43,020
♪ Donald Trump ♪
657
00:25:43,022 --> 00:25:46,556
♪ He is our president ♪
658
00:25:46,558 --> 00:25:49,893
♪ We made him president ♪
659
00:25:49,895 --> 00:25:52,229
♪ We did it ♪
660
00:25:52,231 --> 00:25:56,166
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
661
00:25:56,168 --> 00:25:59,236
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
662
00:25:59,238 --> 00:26:02,839
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
663
00:26:02,841 --> 00:26:06,409
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
664
00:26:06,411 --> 00:26:10,013
♪ Yeah ♪
665
00:26:10,015 --> 00:26:11,082
Trump!
666
00:26:11,106 --> 00:26:16,106
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