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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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[BRITISH ANNOUNCER] Please welcome
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Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth
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and the guest of honor,
the American President,
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Donald Trump.
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Wow, the two royal
families together at last!
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We have so much in common...
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inherited wealth, sexual perversion.
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Let's get this out of the way...
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yes, I said Meghan Markle is "nasty".
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In my defense,
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every time I'm about to be
a guest in someone's house,
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I get into a public feud
with their granddaughter.
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This suit is tight.
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I'm gonna have to peck my way
out of it like a baby chick.
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Today, I am honored
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to sit next to the late,
great Barbara Bush.
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This is just like my semester abroad,
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only I haven't tried to
Amanda Knox my roommate.
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Happy 75th D-Day anniversary, everyone.
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To celebrate, we're grabbin'
our sunscreen and big umbrellas
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and headin' to Omaha Beach.
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Try to ignore Stephen Miller,
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who will be honoring the
fallen on the other side.
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Ohh, I'm so fucking hot.
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We won't be honoring John McCain,
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who refused to fight in World War II
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because of the lame excuse
that he was a toddler.
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Thank you to my advance
team for throwing tarps
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over all the gravestones
with the name "John"
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so I don't get grumpy
and have a bad beach day.
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They're gonna have to cut me out
of this suit over several hours
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so I don't get the bends.
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I'm so jet-lagged!
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I just wanna go back
to the hotel and sleep!
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I'll be back in time for the luau!
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For the last time... there's no luau!
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Ugh! This vacation sucks!
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So let's toast to our
nations' eternal friendship
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as we live out this scene from
a 1980s R-rated comedy called...
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I don't know... Boner-In-Chief.
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- [APPLAUSE]
- Uh-oh.
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That drink had a bubble. Hit the deck!
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- Oh.
- Oh! That is so much better.
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Uh-oh, here come the bends!
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♪♪
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Klobuchar!
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♪♪
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♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
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♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
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[TRUMP] The Midwest was starving
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- before I signed legislation...
- Right.
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... to make chickens
the size of mailboxes.
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- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, right, right.
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And not the blue mailboxes either...
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- Okay.
- ... the weird locked mailboxes
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- next to the blue ones...
- Sure.
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... that the mailman hides his lunch
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- and nighttime clothes inside. Y...
- Okay.
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Good news... Mr. President Trump
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is about to break his record
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for longest uninterrupted call-in ever!
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They're installing suicide nets
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outside the closed-caption
office as we speak!
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[TRUMP] And it's not just the Mexicans
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that are pouring over our borders...
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- Go off, girl!
- It's the Portuguese, too,
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but I don't see Jim
Acosta reporting on them.
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Jim Acosta is an old family friend,
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but now I hate his guts!
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[TRUMP] I say we drop
the big one on Portugal.
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[WHISPERING] What? What
is he talking about?
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Let's nuke Jim Acosta,
too! If he's in Portugal,
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we can do a two-for-one
and save on shipping.
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So, if you want to grow
an extra arm this weekend,
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head downwind from Portugal!
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♪♪
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Does President Trump's nuclear threat
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mean he has gone full-on cuckoo bananas?
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A new poll shows 80% of
Americans describe him
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as "... unstable as a college freshman
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who drags his mattress off the bed frame
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and sleeps in the closet."
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Here to comment is Democratic
presidential candidate
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Senator Elizabeth Warren.
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Chuck, the President's erratic behavior
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poses a threat to the entire world,
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and that is not some
buttonedup senator talking
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it's laid-back,
beer-swillin' Lizzy Warren.
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Wow, that is warm.
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Or, could this be Trump's first move
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in a nine-dimensional chess game?
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- Absolutely not.
- Well, only time will tell.
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No, Chuck, he's dangerous.
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Only time will tell. Thank you, Senator.
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♪♪
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Geez, everyone's calling me a whack job
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just because I
threatened to nuke Norway.
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Portugal, sir.
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We know I'm not a details guy.
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- [RUMBLING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]
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- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- The rapture is upon us!
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I can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven
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sorting buttons with Karen Pence!
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Relax, Rapture Randy.
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I just ordered a little
ballistic-missile test
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to make sure the seat
of Jim Acosta's pants
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stays coated in pee-pee.
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Whatever color pills you ate
today, eat a different color,
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or it's 25th Amendment time!
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Is that the one where you
have to say if you're a cop?
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It's the one where we
yank you out of office
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for acting like a loony toon.
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So someone grounded and
rational like Mike Pence
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- becomes president.
- [PENCE] I understand, God.
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I still have more
buttons to sort on Earth.
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♪♪
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[BRITISH ACCENT] Cheerio.
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Leaders around the globe
held an emergency summit
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to discuss President Trump's
threat to annihilate Portugal.
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We've obtained audio from
the closed-door meeting...
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[MACRON] The European
Union will act decisively
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to neutralize this tyrant!
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[MERKEL] We take the whole
"ranting mad-man" thing
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pretty seriously here
in Germany, you know.
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[PUTIN] Oh, come on, he misspoke!
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Isn't Trump allowed one mistake?
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No matter who I threaten,
Dr. Ronny, I just can't win!
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They've got it wrong...
I'm a very stable genius!
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According to my Brain-O-Meter,
class-action lawsuit pending,
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your brain waves are pulsating
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at 720 kilowhirls per miliyear.
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And that's good, right?
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Oh, off the charts, kilowhirl-wise.
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I knew it! Just give me a doctor's note
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saying I'm not a danger
to myself or others,
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or I'll do something
real bad to both of us.
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So why did you threaten Portugal, sir?
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I was just doing some
thermonuclear free association
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with my Fox & Friends, and it stuck.
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Now I have to do it or no
one will take me seriously,
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and if no one takes me seriously,
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I'll have to blow up the whole world.
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Sounds reasonable to me, and
I live in the back of a car.
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♪♪
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Bill Shine! Aren't you supposed to be
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getting the President
re-elected in perpetuity?
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I took a long lunch
because this is important...
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when I worked at Fox News,
I championed you guys.
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- Hell, I made you who you are.
- We're your Frankenstein!
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Uh, Frankenstein was the scientist.
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- Godzilla was the monster.
- Shut up, Kilmeade.
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Now my loyalty is to the White House,
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so I need you three to stop
driving the President crazy.
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Oh, stop... he's no crazier
than our loyal viewers.
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They adore us so much, they
send 40-page love letters
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written in their own fluids.
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- Awww!
- Awww!
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Just make the show a little more gentle
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until the President stops
trying to kill all of us
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and goes back to trying
to kill some of us.
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♪♪
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Daddy, we're here because we care deeply
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about not getting irradiated.
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Thanks for your concern, but
I got this note from Dr. Ronny
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saying my brain cholesterol
is at an all-time good,
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so I'm perfectly capable
of running the planet.
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Anyway, we asked someone
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who actually cares
about you to join us...
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- [PUTIN] Hey, Donald!
- Putin?
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Yeah, buddy, look,
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I'm all for unprovoked military force,
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but if it's on the same day
you appoint a Terry Fator puppet
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to the United Nations, it
makes people a little jumpy.
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Terry Fator's puppets
are notorious instigators.
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Not exactly the right
temperament for the U.N.
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There you go, sort of.
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♪♪
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[EARHARDT] Bill Shine
wants gentle and cerebral?
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This is Fox & Friends... not PBS.
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Nobody watches us to chill out...
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they watch us to hear how Ocasio-Cortez
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is personally stealing
land from white Africans!
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There is something to be said
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for the slow, methodical world-building
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of a PBS costume drama.
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Slow... methodical...
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what the hell are you
talking about, Brian?
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I wrote some scripts.
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Never mind. They're stupid.
You don't want to see them.
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- Of course we don't!
- Fine, here they are.
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I don't know about this...
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Whoa, I get to wear a
big, tall hat? I'm in!
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Me too! Mostly because,
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if I disagree with you guys,
you'll ignore me anyway!
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[SIRENS WAILING, RUMBLING]
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Daddy! You said you'd stop
these missile tests! God!
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They scare the shit
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out of people who are
less brave than me!
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Listen, I made a promise to
someone... I forgot who...
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that I'd blow up Portugal...
I'm not sure why...
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and I'm not about to embarrass myself
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in front of whoever for
whatever reason that was.
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Daddy... where's Eric? You were
supposed to give him a bath!
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[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
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You said to wait for you, s-so I did.
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His nuts are so small and wrinkly, Dad!
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They'll never be normal nuts again!
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Relax... Anyone could have forgotten
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their screaming adult son in the bath.
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Daddy... what if it had
been someone you care about?
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Someone... like me?
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Oh, my God. My children.
My one good children.
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Please, Daddy, let us help
you make your brain good again.
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For the country,
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00:07:51,084 --> 00:07:53,648
so it'll trust you enough
to steal all its money.
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00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:56,373
And for Eric, whose nuts art in Heaven.
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Let's do it. Not just for Eric's nuts,
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but the whole country's nuts.
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- Cool!
- Yay!
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00:08:02,345 --> 00:08:03,845
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [WATER SLOSHES]
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[ERIC] Come back if you
need c-cold, dirty water!
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♪♪
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[TRUMP] Kids, we all know
that the best way to prove
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someone is competent,
sane, and trustworthy is...
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[BOTH] Prime-time televised game show!
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Exactly! In one week's time,
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I'm gonna show the country,
live, on network TV,
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that my brain is more
functional than Ronald Reagan's
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00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:27,248
the day he left office.
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I'm thinking my doctor
who lives in a car
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tests me in front of a billion
Americans, and we call it...
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Big Brain Showdown!
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00:08:32,690 --> 00:08:35,190
With a special
performance by Jamiroquai.
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00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,352
Love it. At the end,
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Dr. Ronny will smash my
brain with a sledgehammer
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and, if it puffs back up
with a big boing sound,
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everyone will know I'm fine.
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00:08:42,899 --> 00:08:45,232
I'll check to make sure
Jamiroquai isn't touring.
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[HUSHED VOICE] Ivanka, I
really hope he's not touring.
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[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
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♪♪
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♪♪
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[MAN] Three white people in a house...
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It's Friendship Manor.
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00:09:02,447 --> 00:09:04,888
Lady Ainsleyhardt, have
you readied the dining room
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00:09:04,913 --> 00:09:07,154
for this evening's repaste? R-Re-past?
247
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,216
Yes, I have left ample space
248
00:09:09,241 --> 00:09:13,076
between the Duke of Winshire
and the Marquess of Aberdingle.
249
00:09:13,101 --> 00:09:15,974
And have you considered
my proposal of marriage?
250
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:19,389
It would secure Friendship
Manor for generations to come.
251
00:09:19,414 --> 00:09:20,781
I have, Lord Doocifus.
252
00:09:20,806 --> 00:09:23,073
It's just that my heart
belongs to another...
253
00:09:23,098 --> 00:09:27,299
♪♪
254
00:09:27,493 --> 00:09:30,361
This is extremely my shit.
255
00:09:30,386 --> 00:09:31,452
♪♪
256
00:09:31,477 --> 00:09:33,578
We need to make sure you actually win
257
00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:34,969
Big Brain Showdown,
258
00:09:34,994 --> 00:09:38,363
so let's exercise that
noggin with a brain teaser.
259
00:09:38,388 --> 00:09:40,421
After my divorce, I found solace
260
00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:43,246
in the ancient practice of mindfulness.
261
00:09:43,271 --> 00:09:46,170
Okay, a murderer is
condemned to death...
262
00:09:46,195 --> 00:09:48,081
Biased judge, activist court,
263
00:09:48,106 --> 00:09:49,929
appeal it till it gets
to Kavanaugh's desk.
264
00:09:49,954 --> 00:09:52,555
- Solved it.
- Daddy! Hold on! I wasn't done!
265
00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:56,403
Now just close your eyes and
let your thoughts drift away.
266
00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:58,260
Whooooosh.
267
00:09:58,362 --> 00:10:00,396
Whoo... [COUGHS]
268
00:10:00,421 --> 00:10:02,588
Oh, shit! I swallowed a bug!
269
00:10:02,613 --> 00:10:04,947
Now a bug's gonna grow in my stomach.
270
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,173
Get it out before it
goes through puberty!
271
00:10:07,198 --> 00:10:11,584
As punishment, the murderer has
to enter one of three rooms...
272
00:10:11,609 --> 00:10:14,943
one with assassins, one that's on fire,
273
00:10:14,968 --> 00:10:18,237
and one with lions who
haven't eaten in years.
274
00:10:18,262 --> 00:10:19,959
Wait, are the lions tigers?
275
00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:22,451
Of course! Actually, wait. Are they?
276
00:10:22,476 --> 00:10:24,954
Sir, the United Nations Security Council
277
00:10:24,979 --> 00:10:26,388
has been on hold for three days.
278
00:10:26,413 --> 00:10:27,512
What should I tell them?
279
00:10:27,537 --> 00:10:29,070
[BOTH] We're doing something!
280
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,085
So I just pull on that thing
in the back of your throat
281
00:10:32,110 --> 00:10:33,884
- until you barf the bug?
- Uh-huh.
282
00:10:33,909 --> 00:10:35,975
Back at Wharton, my
buddy Brench taught me
283
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,066
that's the "vom-cord".
284
00:10:37,091 --> 00:10:39,692
Hello, zoo? Are lions tigers?
285
00:10:39,717 --> 00:10:42,490
Ask him if lions are
tigers. I am. Shut up!
286
00:10:42,515 --> 00:10:43,581
Uh-huh...
287
00:10:43,606 --> 00:10:45,106
Oh...
288
00:10:45,131 --> 00:10:46,768
But how do you know?
289
00:10:46,793 --> 00:10:48,493
- They don't know.
- I knew it!
290
00:10:48,518 --> 00:10:50,519
Ask them if donkeys are horses.
291
00:10:50,544 --> 00:10:52,175
Shut up, Pompeo!
292
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,367
Actually, that's a good question.
293
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:55,692
♪♪
294
00:10:55,717 --> 00:10:56,930
[GAGS]
295
00:10:56,955 --> 00:10:59,843
- Do you feel anything?
- Almost!
296
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,368
All right, I'm gonna...
297
00:11:01,393 --> 00:11:03,026
I'm grab... I got something. Hold it.
298
00:11:03,051 --> 00:11:04,413
[GAGS]
299
00:11:04,438 --> 00:11:06,494
Everything okay over there?
300
00:11:06,519 --> 00:11:08,552
Yeah, just doing some mediation.
301
00:11:08,577 --> 00:11:10,076
♪♪
302
00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:12,219
[EARHARDT] I love you too, Kilmington.
303
00:11:12,244 --> 00:11:15,387
Even if you are a penniless
footman with rotten teeth.
304
00:11:15,412 --> 00:11:17,883
Then there is something
I must show you...
305
00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:19,326
♪♪
306
00:11:19,351 --> 00:11:22,855
[GASPS] The will of my
uncle, Count Friendship!
307
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,116
Wasn't that destroyed
in the orphanage fire?
308
00:11:25,141 --> 00:11:26,147
Shh!
309
00:11:26,172 --> 00:11:28,904
But that was destroyed
in the orphanage fire!
310
00:11:28,929 --> 00:11:30,854
- What'd I say? Knew it.
- Shut the fuck up!
311
00:11:30,879 --> 00:11:34,832
I found it in Doocifus's
chambers, and there's more...
312
00:11:34,857 --> 00:11:37,212
Doocifus is not your cousin.
313
00:11:37,237 --> 00:11:38,413
He is...
314
00:11:38,438 --> 00:11:42,684
Mister Doonces of 49
Poorman's Lane, Coventry.
315
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:44,442
So you've found me out, have you?
316
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:46,716
But if he's not really
my cousin, then...
317
00:11:46,741 --> 00:11:48,862
Then you, Lady Ainsleyhardt,
318
00:11:48,887 --> 00:11:52,622
are the true heir to Friendship Manor...
319
00:11:52,647 --> 00:11:54,652
- Whoooooaaaa.
- Whoooooaaaa.
320
00:11:54,677 --> 00:11:55,876
♪♪
321
00:11:55,901 --> 00:11:58,199
[DON JR.] I think Dad's
swamp brain might be cured.
322
00:11:58,224 --> 00:11:59,574
He helped me barf up a bug.
323
00:11:59,599 --> 00:12:02,104
And he helped me get
that dumb zoo guy fired.
324
00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:04,308
He's gonna be so psyched
that he didn't have to visit
325
00:12:04,333 --> 00:12:05,340
an actual mental-health professional.
326
00:12:05,364 --> 00:12:06,382
[HANNITY] Now answer me this...
327
00:12:06,406 --> 00:12:09,174
what has Europe ever done for us?!
328
00:12:09,199 --> 00:12:12,386
[TRUMP] [SCREAMING] Drag them, Hannity!
329
00:12:12,411 --> 00:12:15,178
As far as I'm concerned,
Christopher Columbus
330
00:12:15,203 --> 00:12:18,152
wasn't even born till he got to America!
331
00:12:18,177 --> 00:12:19,810
Tell Spain to lean the other way
332
00:12:19,835 --> 00:12:22,341
because it's Portugal nuke time, baby!
333
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:25,027
This is the problem, Dad.
TV makes you nuttier
334
00:12:25,052 --> 00:12:28,353
than the 23-year-old high-school
kid in my two-man fight club.
335
00:12:28,378 --> 00:12:30,011
Sorry, Daddy, but the TVs
336
00:12:30,036 --> 00:12:32,234
are going straight into "insinkerator".
337
00:12:32,259 --> 00:12:33,268
Fine, take it.
338
00:12:33,293 --> 00:12:35,349
Whatever Fox & Friends
is doing these days
339
00:12:35,374 --> 00:12:38,389
- is extremely not my shit.
- Get some rest.
340
00:12:38,414 --> 00:12:40,730
Tomorrow, you have to
prove to the American people
341
00:12:40,755 --> 00:12:44,545
that you're as with it as a
72-year-old speed-freak can be.
342
00:12:44,570 --> 00:12:45,770
- [ERIC] Hello?
- [WATER SLOSHES]
343
00:12:45,794 --> 00:12:48,027
I think I'm clean now!
344
00:12:48,052 --> 00:12:50,119
♪♪
345
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:53,420
"I love Lady Ainsleyhardt's
indomibibble spirit."
346
00:12:53,445 --> 00:12:56,380
It's just nice getting fan mail
that doesn't refer to my womb
347
00:12:56,405 --> 00:12:58,446
as an essential weapon in the race war.
348
00:12:58,471 --> 00:13:00,996
"Doocifus is bae"? I don't
know what that means,
349
00:13:01,021 --> 00:13:03,443
but it ends in "e", so it's okay by me.
350
00:13:03,468 --> 00:13:05,578
Brian, how do you write
these genius scripts?
351
00:13:05,603 --> 00:13:07,687
I installed some beams in my house
352
00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:09,742
and got the feet and inches mixed up,
353
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,688
so every night I run full steam
354
00:13:11,713 --> 00:13:15,014
into a piece of gorgeous,
varnished cherry-wood.
355
00:13:15,039 --> 00:13:17,439
And when I come to, there's a "scrimpt".
356
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,130
Wow, this one's signed
"Barack and Michelle".
357
00:13:20,155 --> 00:13:23,139
And this one is from
the Peabody Foundation!
358
00:13:23,164 --> 00:13:25,774
Guys, you got to feel
how thick this paper is.
359
00:13:25,799 --> 00:13:27,610
[ALL] Ooh!
360
00:13:27,635 --> 00:13:30,338
I think it might be five
slices stuck together.
361
00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:33,282
Ohh, it's not!
362
00:13:33,307 --> 00:13:34,873
♪♪
363
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:38,254
Daddy, it's almost time for
your Big Brain Showdown.
364
00:13:38,279 --> 00:13:40,055
Remember... it's called underwear
365
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,781
because you "wear" it when
you're "under" the sky!
366
00:13:42,806 --> 00:13:45,794
Let's go show this country
how coherent I can be
367
00:13:45,819 --> 00:13:48,190
for a short amount
of time on television.
368
00:13:49,065 --> 00:13:51,366
[DR. RONNY] Welcome
to The Big Brain Showdown.
369
00:13:51,391 --> 00:13:53,868
The only show where we
test how healthy, buff,
370
00:13:53,893 --> 00:13:56,404
and whisper-quiet the
President's brain is.
371
00:13:56,429 --> 00:13:58,357
I'm your host, Dr. Ronny.
372
00:13:58,382 --> 00:13:59,974
Let's meet our contestant.
373
00:13:59,999 --> 00:14:01,566
[FEMALE NARRATOR] Born in Queens,
374
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,199
Donald John Trump's colon has the
same microbial biodiversity
375
00:14:05,224 --> 00:14:07,048
as an escalator handrail.
376
00:14:07,073 --> 00:14:10,241
Tonight, he's playing for the
trust of the American people
377
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,953
and his favorite charity,
378
00:14:11,978 --> 00:14:14,239
Eric's Home for Hypothermic Men.
379
00:14:14,463 --> 00:14:17,102
The showdown consists of 25 questions
380
00:14:17,127 --> 00:14:19,774
that test the memory,
logic, and reasoning skills
381
00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:20,799
of the President.
382
00:14:20,824 --> 00:14:24,392
Seven or more correct answers
will be considered an A++.
383
00:14:24,471 --> 00:14:25,471
Let's begin.
384
00:14:25,725 --> 00:14:26,857
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
385
00:14:26,959 --> 00:14:28,759
Marcus Aurelius once said,
386
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:31,852
"The soul becomes dyed with
the color of its thoughts."
387
00:14:31,877 --> 00:14:32,943
Name a color.
388
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:34,267
Strawberry.
389
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,012
Correct.
390
00:14:36,037 --> 00:14:37,417
What song is this?
391
00:14:37,442 --> 00:14:41,259
"Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way."
392
00:14:41,284 --> 00:14:42,449
Jingy Bells.
393
00:14:42,474 --> 00:14:43,962
Judges.
394
00:14:43,987 --> 00:14:45,854
We'll accept Jingy Bells.
395
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:47,603
- John Elway.
- Correct.
396
00:14:47,628 --> 00:14:50,302
Blair, Jo, Natalie,
Tootie, and Mrs. Garrett.
397
00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:51,358
Correct.
398
00:14:51,383 --> 00:14:53,303
And Godzilla was the monster.
399
00:14:53,328 --> 00:14:55,268
- Correct.
- He was brought back to life
400
00:14:55,293 --> 00:14:57,564
- when Trinity confessed her love.
- Correct.
401
00:14:57,589 --> 00:14:58,743
- Nine.
- Correct.
402
00:14:58,768 --> 00:15:00,971
- No, wait. 42,000.
- Correct.
403
00:15:00,996 --> 00:15:03,484
They were being held in the
basement of Comet Ping Pong!
404
00:15:03,509 --> 00:15:04,509
Correct.
405
00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:07,850
Marry Kissinger, Fuck
McNamara, Kill Nixon.
406
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:08,875
Judges?
407
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:09,901
Correct.
408
00:15:09,926 --> 00:15:11,940
And now your final question...
409
00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:15,015
Who's a big, loud boy
with a big, healthy brain?
410
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,243
Uh... me?
411
00:15:17,268 --> 00:15:19,076
- Well, let's just say...
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
412
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:21,665
... we will reveal the
results after this break.
413
00:15:21,690 --> 00:15:24,524
- [CROWD AWWS]
- They always do this.
414
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:28,204
Hi, I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow,
415
00:15:28,229 --> 00:15:31,130
the most comfortable
pillow you'll ever own.
416
00:15:31,155 --> 00:15:32,332
Have you ever thought that
417
00:15:32,357 --> 00:15:34,453
something that was perfectly fine
418
00:15:34,478 --> 00:15:36,311
should be different somehow?
419
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,037
Then buy my pillow.
420
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:42,053
I could never get a restful
sleep because of my pillow,
421
00:15:42,078 --> 00:15:43,142
so one night,
422
00:15:43,167 --> 00:15:46,269
I chucked a brick through a
high-school home-ec window,
423
00:15:46,294 --> 00:15:48,581
ripped the sewing machine off the bolts,
424
00:15:48,606 --> 00:15:51,417
and stitched together
the American dream.
425
00:15:51,442 --> 00:15:54,610
Call now, or maybe I'll call you!
426
00:15:54,635 --> 00:15:55,988
Welcome back.
427
00:15:56,013 --> 00:15:57,880
I know a lot of hypothermic men
428
00:15:57,905 --> 00:15:59,643
who will be very happy tonight.
429
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,171
Mr. President, you
are mentally competent.
430
00:16:02,196 --> 00:16:03,262
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
431
00:16:03,287 --> 00:16:05,053
- Yay, Daddy!
- Yay! Ugh!
432
00:16:05,078 --> 00:16:06,724
I swallowed some confetti.
433
00:16:06,749 --> 00:16:08,415
Ivanka! Pull my vom-cord!
434
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:09,907
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]
435
00:16:09,932 --> 00:16:12,614
Was last night's Big
Brain Showdown a success?
436
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,673
The EU released a
statement saying, quote,
437
00:16:14,698 --> 00:16:16,904
"We take comfort that his
family is occupying him
438
00:16:16,929 --> 00:16:18,462
with a make-believe game show."
439
00:16:18,502 --> 00:16:19,812
♪♪
440
00:16:19,837 --> 00:16:22,037
And now, accepting the Peabody Award
441
00:16:22,062 --> 00:16:23,428
for excellence in entertainment,
442
00:16:23,453 --> 00:16:26,051
is the cast of my favorite
show, Friendship Manor.
443
00:16:26,076 --> 00:16:28,085
Whoa! Happy days!
444
00:16:28,110 --> 00:16:31,310
Lord Doocifus himself. This is so cool.
445
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:35,059
To anyone who ever heard
the words "you can't",
446
00:16:35,084 --> 00:16:36,517
"no one wants that",
447
00:16:36,619 --> 00:16:39,544
or "don't eat that...
they made it in props",
448
00:16:39,569 --> 00:16:42,426
I am living proof
that you can do it all.
449
00:16:42,451 --> 00:16:43,803
- [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS]
- Okay, I'll go.
450
00:16:43,827 --> 00:16:46,778
Keep dreaming! Keep
friendshipping! Keep mattering!
451
00:16:46,803 --> 00:16:49,517
Kaitlyn, Kirstyn, and
Bryan Jr., go to bed!
452
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,042
Daddy won a Peabody!
453
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,544
- [LAUGHS]
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
454
00:16:53,569 --> 00:16:54,902
♪♪
455
00:16:55,004 --> 00:16:58,516
Nice job tonight, Dad. You
beat the shit out of your brain!
456
00:16:58,541 --> 00:17:00,967
That one question about
whether cars go zoom
457
00:17:00,992 --> 00:17:03,451
- was pretty tough.
- Well, see you later, Daddy.
458
00:17:03,476 --> 00:17:05,022
You know we all have, like, five kids?
459
00:17:05,047 --> 00:17:06,146
And they call me Mom.
460
00:17:06,171 --> 00:17:07,899
I don't have time to get
into it, but it's insane.
461
00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:09,222
Okay, bye!
462
00:17:09,603 --> 00:17:13,030
Ahh, got the night all to myself.
463
00:17:13,055 --> 00:17:15,823
Now, where did I put my
mind-enhancing puzzles?
464
00:17:15,924 --> 00:17:18,692
♪♪
465
00:17:19,023 --> 00:17:21,057
I've looked everywhere. Hm.
466
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:24,137
Well, it would be fun to
treat myself to a little TV.
467
00:17:24,162 --> 00:17:25,228
♪♪
468
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:27,680
Oh, yeah. TV gone, too.
469
00:17:28,102 --> 00:17:30,614
[SIGHS]
470
00:17:31,110 --> 00:17:34,929
Can we swing by Men's Warehouse
so I can return this suit?
471
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:37,475
- [VEHICLE DOORS OPEN, CLOSE]
- Hey, hey! Fellas!
472
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,662
Did you also get turned away
from the Peabody afterparty
473
00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:42,592
because you forgot
how to spell your name?
474
00:17:42,617 --> 00:17:45,099
- Shut up!
- Brian, Brian, Brian...
475
00:17:45,124 --> 00:17:47,677
Okay, while you were at these,
uh, Golden Snowflake Awards,
476
00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:48,708
we were in the studio,
477
00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:50,790
ensuring the First Amendment
rights of white people
478
00:17:50,815 --> 00:17:53,491
to sing the N-word at karaoke,
and you weren't there.
479
00:17:53,516 --> 00:17:57,405
But Bill Shine told me to stop
driving the President insane,
480
00:17:57,430 --> 00:17:58,515
- so I just thought I...
- Oh, oh, oh.
481
00:17:58,539 --> 00:18:00,367
That's what you think, Brian?
You thought wrong.
482
00:18:00,391 --> 00:18:02,188
Your allegiance is
to Fox News... got it?
483
00:18:02,213 --> 00:18:03,346
We all took the same vows
484
00:18:03,371 --> 00:18:05,082
in Roger Ailes's amphibious sex plane.
485
00:18:05,107 --> 00:18:08,268
But Friendship Manor
is life-affirming TV.
486
00:18:08,293 --> 00:18:10,911
Fox News doesn't affirm life...
it De-firms life,
487
00:18:10,936 --> 00:18:13,322
and scares men into thinking
their sperm count will drop
488
00:18:13,347 --> 00:18:14,547
if they let their wives drive.
489
00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,170
Don't forget that, Kilmeade.
490
00:18:16,944 --> 00:18:18,944
Hey, can we stop at Men's Warehouse?
491
00:18:18,969 --> 00:18:20,897
I want to dig through
the discount suit bin.
492
00:18:20,922 --> 00:18:22,054
♪♪
493
00:18:22,156 --> 00:18:24,423
Huh. No TV in here either...
494
00:18:24,790 --> 00:18:27,658
I'll just sit here
alone with my thoughts.
495
00:18:30,608 --> 00:18:32,441
Oh, hi. Good to see you.
496
00:18:32,466 --> 00:18:34,176
I'm gonna need the nuclear football
497
00:18:34,201 --> 00:18:36,235
and an upside-down
umbrella full of Diet Coke.
498
00:18:36,914 --> 00:18:39,148
Thanks so much. Appreciate it.
Love the tie.
499
00:18:39,573 --> 00:18:43,742
[LOCKS CLANKING]
500
00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:45,220
[LOCK CLANKS]
501
00:18:45,554 --> 00:18:47,254
[EARHARDT] Brian, I had a question
502
00:18:47,279 --> 00:18:49,191
about the Baronet's harpsichord teacher.
503
00:18:49,216 --> 00:18:51,470
It's over, guys. Friendship
Manor is done.
504
00:18:51,495 --> 00:18:53,991
But Doocifus still has his maidenhead!
505
00:18:54,016 --> 00:18:57,037
Tucker and Sean were right.
We should be out there
506
00:18:57,062 --> 00:19:00,262
scaring old ladies into
buying barbed-wire doormats...
507
00:19:00,287 --> 00:19:02,043
not acting out fiction.
508
00:19:02,068 --> 00:19:05,105
But we've got so many
stories left to tell!
509
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:07,833
What about their stories, Ainsley?
510
00:19:07,935 --> 00:19:09,412
- [SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
- But Ainsleyhardt
511
00:19:09,436 --> 00:19:11,590
is a three-dimension female character!
512
00:19:11,615 --> 00:19:14,333
And who's gonna tell my big, tall hat?
513
00:19:15,352 --> 00:19:17,920
[FEMALE NARRATOR] We now
present a very special
514
00:19:17,945 --> 00:19:21,188
Brian Kilmeade Presents:
Friendship Manor.
515
00:19:21,213 --> 00:19:24,115
Hello, viewers. It's me, Brian Kilmeade.
516
00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:25,460
I mean Kilmington,
517
00:19:25,485 --> 00:19:27,751
or, as you would have
learned in the next episode,
518
00:19:27,776 --> 00:19:30,521
Kilmington's brother, who
was feared lost at sea.
519
00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:32,357
- Are you kidding me?!
- Don't spoil it!
520
00:19:32,382 --> 00:19:35,631
Friendship Manor is
going on permanent hiatus
521
00:19:35,656 --> 00:19:38,369
because I don't know how
to stand up for myself.
522
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,028
Fare-thee-well.
523
00:19:40,529 --> 00:19:43,043
I'm lost. Did we miss an episode?
524
00:19:43,068 --> 00:19:45,222
I bet it all pays off.
Just keep watching.
525
00:19:45,247 --> 00:19:46,348
[SIRENS WAILING, POUNDING ON DOOR]
526
00:19:46,372 --> 00:19:48,749
- Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Daddy! Daddy! Open up!
527
00:19:48,774 --> 00:19:52,015
What's he doing in there? We
took away his TV and phone.
528
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,493
Hey, what's that thing that
Dad says every day at breakfast
529
00:19:54,518 --> 00:19:56,734
about leaving him
alone with his thoughts?
530
00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:59,203
Oh, uh, don't ever leave
me alone with my thoughts,
531
00:19:59,228 --> 00:20:00,939
or I'll blow up the entire world.
532
00:20:00,964 --> 00:20:02,529
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
533
00:20:02,554 --> 00:20:05,789
[ECHOING] Hey! Hey! Do not
leave me alone with my thoughts!
534
00:20:05,814 --> 00:20:07,922
I will kill everything forever!
535
00:20:08,155 --> 00:20:09,888
You know what this means?
536
00:20:09,913 --> 00:20:12,849
He's having breakfast without us.
537
00:20:12,874 --> 00:20:14,474
- Daddy, no!
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
538
00:20:14,499 --> 00:20:16,873
We're hungry, too!
539
00:20:16,898 --> 00:20:18,966
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- So I walk into the 21 Club,
540
00:20:18,990 --> 00:20:22,160
and I see Andre Agassi,
and he has his back to me.
541
00:20:22,185 --> 00:20:24,651
And he knew I was gonna
walk in. He knew it.
542
00:20:24,676 --> 00:20:26,785
So he'll be dead, too.
543
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:30,011
I'm Wolf Blitzer and
you're watching me realize
544
00:20:30,036 --> 00:20:31,761
I left my lunch in my car.
545
00:20:31,786 --> 00:20:33,435
It's shrimp salad... it'll keep.
546
00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:34,898
With the President isolated
547
00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:37,655
and in possession of
the nuclear football,
548
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,616
European leaders are considering
549
00:20:39,641 --> 00:20:41,576
a preemptive strike on the U.S.
550
00:20:41,601 --> 00:20:43,702
Uh-oh, that's where the shrimp salad is.
551
00:20:43,727 --> 00:20:47,381
Meanwhile, Vice President Pence
and the cabinet are deciding
552
00:20:47,406 --> 00:20:49,732
whether or not to remove
Trump from office.
553
00:20:49,757 --> 00:20:50,990
Breakups are tough.
554
00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:53,451
Launch codes are around here somewhere.
555
00:20:53,476 --> 00:20:55,103
♪♪
556
00:20:55,744 --> 00:20:58,385
Ugh, why's everything so hard to find?
557
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:01,346
Yikes, that guy looks like crap.
558
00:21:01,371 --> 00:21:02,641
No, you look like crap.
559
00:21:02,666 --> 00:21:04,310
No, you look like crap.
560
00:21:04,335 --> 00:21:05,880
No, you look like crap.
561
00:21:05,905 --> 00:21:07,708
You can't talk to me like that!
562
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:11,014
But I'm part of you, idiot.
I'm your subconscious.
563
00:21:11,039 --> 00:21:12,138
Subconscious...
564
00:21:12,163 --> 00:21:14,228
Is that the room where
rodeo clowns hang out
565
00:21:14,253 --> 00:21:15,465
before it's time to go in?
566
00:21:15,490 --> 00:21:16,790
God, you're dumb.
567
00:21:16,815 --> 00:21:18,800
It's the place deep inside your head
568
00:21:18,825 --> 00:21:20,290
where all your emotions live.
569
00:21:20,315 --> 00:21:21,991
And it is rough down here.
570
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:24,679
Oh, no! I'm crazy, aren't I?
571
00:21:24,704 --> 00:21:27,081
Is that why I'm such a math genius?
572
00:21:27,106 --> 00:21:29,940
You're more of a run-of-the-mill
sociopathic narcissist,
573
00:21:29,965 --> 00:21:32,853
who, through a weird twist of
fate, can destroy the world.
574
00:21:32,878 --> 00:21:34,550
Okay. What's the bad news?
575
00:21:34,575 --> 00:21:37,190
You'll destroy us with it,
you dumb piece of shit.
576
00:21:37,215 --> 00:21:38,792
There's always a catch.
577
00:21:38,817 --> 00:21:40,249
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
578
00:21:40,351 --> 00:21:42,528
[MAN] Hey, it's Doocifus
and Ainsleyhardt!
579
00:21:42,553 --> 00:21:44,497
We don't do that show anymore!
580
00:21:44,522 --> 00:21:45,773
No selfies!
581
00:21:45,798 --> 00:21:48,602
There they are! The people
we've been looking for.
582
00:21:48,627 --> 00:21:50,059
So, like, how are you guys?
583
00:21:50,084 --> 00:21:52,316
Dad is about to blow up the free world,
584
00:21:52,341 --> 00:21:53,865
but, seriously, how are you guys?
585
00:21:53,890 --> 00:21:56,560
Here's some coins, kids. Go play
Buck Hunter or something.
586
00:21:56,585 --> 00:21:59,102
He gave them to me.
That means I'm in charge.
587
00:21:59,127 --> 00:22:00,480
I'm gonna be good!
588
00:22:00,505 --> 00:22:02,436
The President needs the
old Fox & Friends show
589
00:22:02,461 --> 00:22:05,186
to get the steam out of his ears
so it doesn't cook his brain.
590
00:22:05,211 --> 00:22:07,244
The old show? But I can't even remember
591
00:22:07,269 --> 00:22:09,782
why wealthy old white men
are underprivileged anymore.
592
00:22:09,807 --> 00:22:13,638
Maybe this will jog your memory.
"Dear Fox & Friends.
593
00:22:13,663 --> 00:22:15,772
If I didn't have you to talk to,
594
00:22:15,797 --> 00:22:18,131
I would probably kill everybody.
595
00:22:18,156 --> 00:22:20,556
I love you so much.
596
00:22:20,581 --> 00:22:23,936
Yours, the President
of the United States."
597
00:22:23,961 --> 00:22:27,039
I was packing up Kilmington's
cummerbund when I found this.
598
00:22:27,064 --> 00:22:30,443
And there are 30 more, just
like it, all from the President.
599
00:22:30,468 --> 00:22:32,054
He needs us, damn it.
600
00:22:32,079 --> 00:22:35,092
What do you say, Fox &
Friends star Ainsley Earhardt?
601
00:22:35,117 --> 00:22:37,016
I actually prefer Friendship Manor.
602
00:22:37,041 --> 00:22:39,070
[BOTH] She's in... let's go!
603
00:22:39,410 --> 00:22:42,545
All those in favor of removing
the President from office
604
00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:44,516
and installing me instead?
605
00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:46,747
Wait! I'm not crazy!
606
00:22:46,772 --> 00:22:49,006
The mirror-me said so!
607
00:22:49,186 --> 00:22:50,231
Yikes.
608
00:22:50,256 --> 00:22:52,390
You guys believe me, right?
609
00:22:53,801 --> 00:22:56,535
Wow, nobody's on my side.
610
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,013
And after all the stuff I've done
611
00:22:59,038 --> 00:23:00,938
for your investment portfolios.
612
00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:02,897
Fine, say goodbye to Earth!
613
00:23:02,922 --> 00:23:06,824
♪♪
614
00:23:06,849 --> 00:23:07,849
[SHRIEKS]
615
00:23:07,874 --> 00:23:11,183
[ALL] ♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
616
00:23:11,208 --> 00:23:12,540
Whoa! It's TV!
617
00:23:12,565 --> 00:23:14,265
Fox & Friends... activate!
618
00:23:14,290 --> 00:23:16,555
God, I hate that nuclear football,
619
00:23:16,580 --> 00:23:17,713
don't you, Brian?
620
00:23:17,738 --> 00:23:20,491
It makes me sick, yee-uck!
621
00:23:20,516 --> 00:23:22,249
Get rid of it!
622
00:23:22,274 --> 00:23:24,772
Yeah... yeah... I hate it, too.
623
00:23:24,797 --> 00:23:26,397
You know what else makes me sick?
624
00:23:26,422 --> 00:23:27,931
[TOGETHER] What, Mr. President?
625
00:23:27,956 --> 00:23:30,872
Integration. The trickle-down
part of economics.
626
00:23:30,897 --> 00:23:32,536
Swiss Family Robinson.
627
00:23:32,561 --> 00:23:34,482
So, we're just gonna
pretend this is fine?
628
00:23:34,507 --> 00:23:35,972
Consider the alternative.
629
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:38,876
God, guide my hand as I use this device
630
00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:41,656
to wipe the cast of
The L Word from Earth.
631
00:23:41,681 --> 00:23:44,481
Trump's cabinet has voted
to reinstall the President.
632
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:47,120
Meanwhile, psychologists
unanimously agree
633
00:23:47,145 --> 00:23:49,575
that Trump is a ticking time
bomb of unchecked emotion.
634
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:50,666
But is he?
635
00:23:50,691 --> 00:23:53,092
Or did his bishop just
checkmate the media's queen?
636
00:23:53,117 --> 00:23:54,959
I'm Chuck Todd, I
pretend to enjoy football
637
00:23:54,984 --> 00:23:58,220
because I'm scared of my dad,
and this is Meet the Press.
638
00:23:58,245 --> 00:24:01,028
[TRUMP] The Arctic shelf
is such a drama queen.
639
00:24:01,053 --> 00:24:03,665
I mean, if you're gonna
melt, just melt already.
640
00:24:03,690 --> 00:24:04,737
I know that's right.
641
00:24:04,762 --> 00:24:05,924
That's my president.
642
00:24:05,949 --> 00:24:07,206
Shelf bad.
643
00:24:07,231 --> 00:24:08,928
I say we torch the whole thing.
644
00:24:08,953 --> 00:24:10,874
Mr. President, can we take five?
645
00:24:10,899 --> 00:24:13,532
I wouldn't mind popping into
the bathroom real quick.
646
00:24:13,557 --> 00:24:15,578
Sure. In the meantime,
maybe I'll turn off
647
00:24:15,603 --> 00:24:18,504
all the power grids and see
which city screams the loudest.
648
00:24:18,529 --> 00:24:20,617
On second thought, we can hold it.
649
00:24:20,642 --> 00:24:24,244
Luckily for me, I can use
my big hat as a toilet!
650
00:24:24,269 --> 00:24:25,602
Why are we still watching this?
651
00:24:25,627 --> 00:24:29,193
Uh, Michelle, I told you,
it's going to pay off.
652
00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:30,370
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
653
00:24:30,395 --> 00:24:33,978
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
654
00:24:34,003 --> 00:24:37,710
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
655
00:24:37,735 --> 00:24:40,102
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
656
00:24:40,127 --> 00:24:41,326
♪ Yes, he is ♪
657
00:24:41,351 --> 00:24:44,640
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
658
00:24:44,665 --> 00:24:47,186
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
659
00:24:47,211 --> 00:24:48,577
♪ Yes, he is ♪
660
00:24:48,602 --> 00:24:51,853
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
661
00:24:51,878 --> 00:24:56,675
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
662
00:24:58,846 --> 00:25:00,412
♪ Donald Trump ♪
663
00:25:00,514 --> 00:25:04,215
♪ He is our president ♪
664
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,208
♪ We made him president ♪
665
00:25:07,386 --> 00:25:09,553
♪ We did it ♪
666
00:25:09,578 --> 00:25:13,413
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
667
00:25:13,438 --> 00:25:16,406
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
668
00:25:16,662 --> 00:25:20,397
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
669
00:25:20,576 --> 00:25:23,945
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
670
00:25:23,970 --> 00:25:27,404
♪ Yeah ♪
671
00:25:27,506 --> 00:25:28,906
Trump!
672
00:25:28,930 --> 00:25:33,930
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