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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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As you know,
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all faculty at Greendale
are required to give extra credit
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to students who organize
academically-related events
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during what would otherwise
be known as our "free time".
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No student in any department
has ever exercised this option.
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Until now.
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Tonight in the library,
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I will be hosting
a día de los muertos party.
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- Relax.
- Día de los muertos,
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or day of the dead,
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is sometimes referred
to as Mexican Halloween.
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Which is quite offensive
to people familiar
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with "Mexican Halloween"
as a sexual position.
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At any rate, if you show up,
you get extra credit.
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Me, I don't even get paid.
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See you tonight.
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Most of you responded to my e-vite,
but some of you remain "e-vasive",
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- so...
- Count me in.
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This is my first college party.
I got some tequila,
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and I just rented
Van Wilder 2: The Rise Of Taj,
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and look.
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- You took off your wedding ring.
- My husband's been gone for 6 months,
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so I think it's time for me
to embrace being single.
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Message received.
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Still waiting to hear
from Jeff and Pierce.
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I thought I'd shout you a response
from this pocket phone here.
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- Access email.
- You're not going to Annie's party?
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I have a conflict.
With the enjoyment of my life.
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I cannot figure out
the voice command part
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of this thing.
It's like I'm my mother.
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Calling mother.
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- What?
- Speaking of enjoying life,
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I don't wannabe
at a dead horse here,
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but are you sure you don't
see anything non-platonic
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- ever crystallizing between us?
- Yep.
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Good, cause one of my professors
is really hot,
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- I wanted to give you right of refusal.
- Hello, Pierce?
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- Mom?
- How's school going? Are you popular?
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I'm headed through a tunnel
right now.
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- Wrong number.
- Has that Jeff stopped teasing you?
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How's your Canadian girlfriend?
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I saw your father's ghost again.
He's still angry.
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The Bernoulli distribution
is the number of successes
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in a sequence
of independent yes-no experiments.
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For the quiz Monday, brush up
on chapters three and four.
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Bernoulli's one of my favorites.
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Little-known fact,
statistics were not his only love.
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He's also famous for his French sauce
used on meat and poultry.
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- That's bearnaise.
- Need to settle this at a restaurant.
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It's cute. A little aggressive,
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but as a confident woman of authority,
I'm attracted to men who take charge.
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- You sarcastic, or am I nailing it?
- You were nailing it, until you asked.
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Damn it. Starting over.
You in the skirt, date me.
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I'd like to, Mr. Winger.
You're tall, you dress nice,
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and I've graded you enough
To know I'd never feel inadequate.
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- Thank you.
- Only problem, I don't date students.
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If you agree to go out with me...
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Awkward.
How small is this campus?
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Bastard.
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- It's fine. I don't care.
- It's disgusting the way men behave.
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You ever see that Heigl poster
where Butler had heart over his weiner?
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- That resonated with me.
- Fine.
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But just to repeat,
I don't care what Jeff does.
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Bastard.
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I'm barely a student.
I'm older than you.
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I drive a Lexus.
Saw Ghost Busters in the theater.
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My gums are receding.
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It's uncanny
how many of my buttons you're finding,
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but I have a rule about this,
I stick to it.
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Have a cup of coffee with me.
I can change your mind.
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I know you can.
That's why you ain't getting the chance.
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- Are you coming to my party?
- I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.
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I can mark you down
as definitely being there
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from 7:00 sharp
till Spanish question mark?
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- Here's the...
- No, here's the thing.
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I am putting my foot down.
You understand?
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I am being assertive,
and I am making eye contact,
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and it is achieving results.
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- Trying to get formidable with me?
- It worked on Pierce.
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Infomercials work on him.
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You're the cool guy, okay?
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If you show up,
it'll be the first party I host
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where everyone doesn't say
they need to get home for the news.
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This won't work.
The last time you did this,
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I saved a vial of your tears
and have built up an immunity.
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I was so unpopular in high school,
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the crossing guard
used to lure me into traffic.
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This party is a second chance
to be...
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Hip.
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Cool!
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Laidback!
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I will come.
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Thank you.
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I'm putting you down for two bags of ice
and a sleeve of paper cups.
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Taking a pill?
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- Yes, I am.
- Xenolovaden.
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My grandpa took that too.
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- Fantastic.
- Helping him with his going problem.
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By the time he got up in years,
his memory wasn't great.
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He'd mix pills.
Know how olds are?
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Heard stories about it.
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One time
he ran down the street with no pants on.
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Which in the Gaza strip
is considered a real party foul,
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- so you should probably be careful...
- I really don't need your advice,
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I'm not your pantsless grandpa.
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Pantsless grandpa.
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- You look adorable.
- Thank you.
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I hate when women use Halloween
as an excuse to dress up like sluts.
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Okay, everyone.
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I think we can begin.
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I've got everyone's
personalized cookie tombstones,
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por tradición,
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and in a few minutes,
we gonna start the dance of the dead...
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Don't have to keep doing that!
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Party on.
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It's nice of you to be here.
You'd rather be with your hot professor.
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Well, it's funny,
I enrolled here as selfish loner,
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but the group has given me
a course in friendship.
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- She blew you off, huh?
- She's grading papers.
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Professor Slater?
She's not grading papers.
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- She's at the party in the cafeteria.
- It's the eavesdropping matador.
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- Are you saying my people are sneaky?
- What?
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There's a storm building on the horizon,
but you and I will save the night.
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Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots,
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prredictable but appetizing.
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Can I ask you something
I wanted to ask Batman?
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Am I good looking?
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- You're a very attractive young man.
- I knew it.
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Let's get this party started!
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Who are you?
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I am the beastmaster.
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From Beastmaster.
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What rock
have you been living under?
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What are you going as?
A gay douchebag?
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- Just kidding.
- Nice one.
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I'm not much of a costume guy.
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You're not much
of a liking the ladies guy either, huh?
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Body blow.
Is that liquor?
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- Here's your drinks, mates.
- Thanks, Urkel.
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- I'm Harry Potter.
- Really?
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What up, Urkel?
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All right.
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What are you taking?
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You know, the usual cool stuff.
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I've got 'ludes,
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dreamers...
Johnny boys.
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Tell you what.
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I'll trade you one of mine
for two of yours.
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- I don't know, Star-Burns.
- I'm... sorry.
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Thought I was dealing
with the beastmaster.
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Who said you weren't?
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Saddle up, fruit pie.
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I don't mind if I do.
May I?
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Here. Take this.
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Give anyone that shows up
their credit.
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You going to the faculty party?
Make me your plus one.
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Give it up.
Professor Slater doesn't date students.
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Or married asians who drive mopeds.
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Give you 20 bucks.
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I'll bring the hog around.
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It's time for the dance of the dead.
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Everyone form a circle.
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Lights.
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Music.
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Is it under genre
or on a specific playlist?
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What'd you slip me?
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I keep grinding my teeth,
and I want to kiss everybody.
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What'd you slip me, man?
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My heart stopped racing,
and I can't pee.
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Now for the first dance,
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I'd like to invite a very special guest
to the floor.
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Jeff Winger?
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Where's Jeff?
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Jeff gone?
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You know, I'm gonna go.
I don't want to miss the news.
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News!
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He just stepped out.
He's gonna be right back.
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He's going to the faculty party.
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To be with professor short skirt?
We hate her.
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No, it's not about her.
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Can't believe he'd do this to Annie.
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Absolutely. It's about Annie.
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We should go find that bitch's car
and snap off her antenna.
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It's like high school
all over again.
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Everyone's leaving.
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Not me.
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I could do this all night.
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- There you go, pretty lady.
- What are you doing here?
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Showing you my non-student side.
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I have to admit,
this outfit's doing it for me.
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I may or may not have been deflowered
by a junior rodeo champion.
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- Reminding me of my first time too.
- Lost your virginity to Robin Hood?
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With an attractive woman at a party.
We seem destined to repeat history.
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I told you no students.
It's unseemly.
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I go out with you,
you tell your friends...
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What friends?
I have no friends.
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I hate everyone here but you.
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- What you doing here?
- You?
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You should be over at the library
with Annie...
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- Thought you weren't a costume guy.
- You had to have one here, Squirrel.
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So where did you get it?
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I wouldn't think any costume stores
would be open this late.
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- I dunno what you're getting at.
- The words that you're looking for are
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"I own a cowboy outfit".
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And it is tight too.
Did you buy it like that?
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Your toy gun to my head,
I'd say yes.
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00:11:21,476 --> 00:11:24,138
- Michelle Slater, Ph.D.
- Britta Perry, GED.
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A classmate of Jeff's?
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When you say "classmate",
sounds like we take naps together,
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but what's great
about community colleges
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is that a lot of the students
are just as mature as the teachers.
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You must return to Annie's party.
She's feeling unpopular.
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00:11:38,225 --> 00:11:40,664
Jeff, Pierce took something,
and he is tripping balls.
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00:11:40,789 --> 00:11:42,949
He is touching people
and dancing weird.
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00:11:43,118 --> 00:11:45,159
It's like Grumpy Old Men
but not hilarious.
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I'm at a grownup Halloween party,
all right?
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00:11:49,664 --> 00:11:51,464
You're all being unseemly.
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00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,251
How are we unseemly?
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00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:57,547
Why is Urkel ripping the antenna
off professor Slater's car?
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That's right, professor slim calves.
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This is what you get when you steal Jeff
from a good woman!
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Is he meowing?
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Enough.
I want you guys out of here.
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I don't care
about your high school soap opera.
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00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,161
Abed, you're not Batman.
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00:12:31,582 --> 00:12:33,921
Stop grinding
on the women's studies department.
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00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,096
You are too old to be tripping.
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00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:37,295
I'm old?
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00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:40,432
What do you mean old?
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Whose hands are these?
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00:12:48,544 --> 00:12:49,474
Help me!
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00:12:50,038 --> 00:12:51,038
Way to go.
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I know I'm not Batman.
You could try not being a jerk.
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She's pretty hot.
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- Where were we, little doggie?
- Unseemly.
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00:13:02,787 --> 00:13:04,287
Crap.
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00:13:17,939 --> 00:13:19,504
This is professor Robin Hood's.
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00:13:19,827 --> 00:13:21,857
- What you doing?
- Putting this hose in her desk,
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00:13:21,982 --> 00:13:23,912
- and you going to turn the water on.
- Why?
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00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,474
To teach that long-neck
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00:13:25,599 --> 00:13:28,012
weave-having bank teller
she can't steal another woman's man!
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00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,230
That's why.
243
00:13:34,411 --> 00:13:35,728
I have a confession to make.
244
00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:40,107
I think some of what I just said
may have more to do with my situation.
245
00:13:40,276 --> 00:13:43,926
The long-neck, weave-having bank teller
didn't feel universal.
246
00:13:44,197 --> 00:13:46,739
My ex-husband came by this morning,
247
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,033
and he asked for his ring back.
248
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:53,737
It was his mother's, he wants to give it
to his new girlfriend.
249
00:13:54,474 --> 00:13:55,974
Shirley, that sucks.
250
00:13:56,404 --> 00:13:59,162
Best thing ever happened to me
was him leaving.
251
00:13:59,287 --> 00:14:01,861
I always thought
he'd come crawling back,
252
00:14:01,986 --> 00:14:03,673
and I'd get to tell him,
"go to hell".
253
00:14:05,908 --> 00:14:07,908
He couldn't even give me that.
254
00:14:09,218 --> 00:14:12,765
- You know what the crazy thing is?
- Everything you've done tonight?
255
00:14:15,904 --> 00:14:17,853
It's like I was too proud
to admit I was hurt,
256
00:14:17,978 --> 00:14:19,564
so I had to pretend that you were.
257
00:14:20,914 --> 00:14:22,364
I totally get that.
258
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,530
I feel better now.
259
00:14:25,938 --> 00:14:27,446
Let's go check on Annie.
260
00:14:32,114 --> 00:14:34,681
Can you believe
I targeted this poor lady?
261
00:14:34,806 --> 00:14:37,456
Look at all these awards.
I bet she's nice.
262
00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:42,087
Nice and pretentious.
263
00:14:52,574 --> 00:14:53,681
Pierce, are you okay?
264
00:14:56,509 --> 00:14:57,809
What's going on?
265
00:14:57,934 --> 00:14:59,834
You have a full-on erection.
266
00:15:00,307 --> 00:15:01,647
Just relax.
267
00:15:02,481 --> 00:15:03,831
Just relax, okay?
268
00:15:07,443 --> 00:15:09,071
You are too old to be tripping!
269
00:15:14,453 --> 00:15:15,912
You are too old to be tripping.
270
00:15:16,671 --> 00:15:18,664
Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce.
271
00:15:19,214 --> 00:15:21,781
Tell me about Woodstock and Sputnik.
272
00:15:37,027 --> 00:15:38,727
Do I feel a breeze here?
273
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:42,137
- Because someone just struck out.
- She blew you off too, Chang.
274
00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:45,321
Is that what you had
to fall back on?
275
00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:47,064
Look at me, bro. Look at me.
276
00:15:47,189 --> 00:15:49,542
I've got the body
of a fifth grader, okay?
277
00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:51,365
If I was working
with what you've got,
278
00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:54,566
she'd be at the comfort inn right now
giving me a Mexican Halloween.
279
00:15:54,734 --> 00:15:57,121
It's this campus.
It feeds on my coolness.
280
00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,631
- I got no moves anymore.
- Moves?
281
00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:02,382
Everything's a game
to guys like you.
282
00:16:02,507 --> 00:16:05,757
I know one move
I bet you've never tried in your life.
283
00:16:06,222 --> 00:16:07,272
What is it?
284
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:19,070
Please sleep with me.
Please.
285
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:21,343
Pretty please.
I'm so lonely.
286
00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:25,013
I haven't slept in a very long time,
and you are so good looking.
287
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,891
Please do me the favor
of having sex with me.
288
00:16:33,228 --> 00:16:35,774
Stay three steps behind
and promise you won't tell anybody.
289
00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:37,001
I promise.
290
00:16:37,882 --> 00:16:38,882
I promise.
291
00:16:51,601 --> 00:16:53,958
Everybody, stay out of the library.
292
00:16:54,211 --> 00:16:55,611
Pierce, it's okay.
293
00:16:55,736 --> 00:16:57,009
Come out of there.
294
00:16:57,134 --> 00:17:00,631
- No, I'm not ready to die!
- You're not gonna die!
295
00:17:00,756 --> 00:17:02,801
Just keep walking.
Don't make eye contact.
296
00:17:05,514 --> 00:17:07,556
He's freaking out.
You're the only one who can help.
297
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,193
- What makes you think that?
- Is Jeff out there?
298
00:17:10,318 --> 00:17:13,078
- He's the only one who can help.
- He says he's gonna kill himself,
299
00:17:13,203 --> 00:17:14,813
but he doesn't want us to call 911,
300
00:17:14,938 --> 00:17:18,338
cause he doesn't want to get in trouble
for taking drugs.
301
00:17:21,586 --> 00:17:23,405
I can't believe I'm doing this.
302
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,088
I think
303
00:17:30,277 --> 00:17:31,507
I have to say goodnight.
304
00:17:31,632 --> 00:17:33,957
Are you a court-appointed guardian
for these people?
305
00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:38,795
They're my classmates.
306
00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:40,695
Goodnight, Jeff.
307
00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:48,048
Loser!
308
00:17:57,295 --> 00:17:59,140
What in the Pink Floyd?
309
00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:01,518
I'm gonna crush myself to death
310
00:18:01,643 --> 00:18:03,755
with desks and tables, Jeff!
311
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,899
Is that a death
befitting a beastmaster?
312
00:18:06,024 --> 00:18:09,409
I never saw Beastmaster.
I just wanted to be cool.
313
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,700
I'm coming in there.
314
00:18:19,987 --> 00:18:22,567
Those floating Mexican skeletons
were right.
315
00:18:22,692 --> 00:18:23,992
My life is over.
316
00:18:24,691 --> 00:18:28,642
When we go to floating skeletons
with our problems,
317
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,491
we get what we pay for, don't we?
318
00:18:33,425 --> 00:18:34,476
I'm old, Jeff.
319
00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:38,021
I dunno how you spent
the first 60 years,
320
00:18:38,237 --> 00:18:40,184
but I know in the last two months,
321
00:18:40,309 --> 00:18:42,919
you've probably doubled
the national average
322
00:18:43,044 --> 00:18:45,028
for amount of life lived
per lifetime.
323
00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:49,658
Well, I do have a young,
African-American friend.
324
00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:52,473
And, more importantly,
325
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:56,415
you dressed like a gladiator in a fort
that you built during a bad trip.
326
00:18:56,871 --> 00:19:00,168
If life is just a series
of ridiculous attempts to be alive,
327
00:19:01,455 --> 00:19:03,713
you're a hero
to everything that's ever lived.
328
00:19:29,129 --> 00:19:30,129
Batman?
329
00:19:32,597 --> 00:19:34,597
Are you staying for the party?
330
00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:36,291
If I stay,
331
00:19:37,308 --> 00:19:38,790
there can be no party.
332
00:19:41,206 --> 00:19:44,306
I must be out there in the night,
staying vigilant.
333
00:19:45,566 --> 00:19:47,816
Wherever a party needs to be saved,
334
00:19:48,159 --> 00:19:49,159
I'm there.
335
00:19:50,316 --> 00:19:53,773
Wherever there are masks,
Wherever there's tomfoolery and joy,
336
00:19:53,898 --> 00:19:54,898
I'm there.
337
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,107
But sometimes I'm not,
cause I'm out in the night,
338
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,082
staying vigilant, watching,
339
00:20:02,856 --> 00:20:05,928
lurking, running, jumping, hurtling,
340
00:20:06,529 --> 00:20:07,579
sleeping...
341
00:20:08,191 --> 00:20:09,946
No, I can't sleep.
You sleep.
342
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:11,442
I'm awake.
343
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,628
I don't sleep.
I don't blink.
344
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:15,604
Am I a bird?
345
00:20:16,566 --> 00:20:17,566
I'm a bat.
346
00:20:18,941 --> 00:20:19,957
I am Batman.
347
00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:22,250
Or am I?
348
00:20:23,942 --> 00:20:25,292
Yes, I am Batman.
349
00:20:28,264 --> 00:20:29,564
Happy Halloween.
350
00:20:33,779 --> 00:20:35,924
- I'm Batman.
- You sound like Cookie Monster.
351
00:20:36,093 --> 00:20:38,157
- I'm Batman.
- That's Batman.
352
00:20:39,049 --> 00:20:40,976
Candy corn looks like
tiny traffic cones.
353
00:20:41,218 --> 00:20:44,360
- Yeah, it sure does.
- At, like, a candy traffic school.
354
00:20:45,571 --> 00:20:48,781
A little gingerbread man at the wheel,
and he's drunk.
355
00:20:48,950 --> 00:20:50,485
Look out. You'd be driving,
356
00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:52,868
But you keep wanting
to eat yourself.
357
00:20:53,296 --> 00:20:55,704
- All day.
- That's one of my biggest fears.
358
00:20:55,904 --> 00:20:58,660
- What is?
- If I ever woke up as a donut.
359
00:20:58,828 --> 00:21:01,043
- You would eat yourself?
- I wouldn't even question it.
360
00:21:01,346 --> 00:21:02,646
That'd be tasty.
361
00:21:03,404 --> 00:21:06,423
It's cool to know other people
think about this stuff too.