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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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How do we turn this off? Mom, you think
you can help me turn this off?
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Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
How do we turn this off?
3
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Can you help me with this?
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
4
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I didn't mean to snap.
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Good morning. Many of you
are halfway through...
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your first week here at Greendale
and as your dean...
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I thought I would share a few thoughts
of wisdom and inspiration.
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What is community college?
Well, you've heard all kinds of things.
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You've heard it's loser college
for remedial teens...
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20-something dropouts,
middle-age divorcees...
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and old people keeping their minds active
as they circle the drain of eternity.
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That's what you heard.
However, I wish you luck!
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Okay, you know-- Uh-oh.
Okay, there's more to this speech.
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There's actually a middle card
that is missing.
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Can we all look around our immediate areas,
'cause I really wanted to--
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I'm only half-Arabic, actually.
My dad is Palestinian.
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He's a U.S. citizen. He's not a threat
to national security or anything.
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A lot of people want to know that after they
meet him, because he has an angry energy.
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But not, like, angry at America.
Just angry at my mom for leaving him.
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Although she did leave because he was angry
and he was angry because she's American.
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My name's Abed, by the way.
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Abed, nice to know you
and then meet you in that order.
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- Now about that question that I had--
- Oh, uh...
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5 after 11:00 when you asked.
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- Abed?
- Yeah?
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What's the deal with the hot girl
from Spanish class?
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I can't find a road in there.
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Well, I only talked to her once
while she was borrowing a pencil, but...
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her name is Britta, she's 28,
birthday in October...
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she has two older brothers and one of 'em
works with children who have a disorder...
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I might want to look up.
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Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk
tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus...
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so she's sorry
if that makes her seem cold.
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Holy crap. Abed...
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I see your value now.
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That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
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Absolutely not.
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These guys knew you like I did,
they would have given you a small office.
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Jeff Winger!
Genius at law.
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- You got to stop saying that.
- I will never do that. Sit down.
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I still cannot figure out
how you got a jury...
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to connect September the 11th with my DUI,
let alone why that helped.
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Well, 2002 was a simpler time.
44
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So what is my lawyer doing here?
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I'm a student.
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Well, that cannot be
an inspiring journey.
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Uh, I am in a bit of a jam.
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The state bar has
suspended my license.
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They found out my college degree
was less than legitimate.
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I thought you had a bachelor's
from Columbia.
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Now I have to get one from America.
And it can't be an email attachment.
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Well, you've picked a fine school.
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Yes, and I'm hoping
that our friendship...
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will yield certain advantages.
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- You know, academic guidance...
- Yes.
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...moral support,
every answer to every test...
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for every one of the classes
that I'm taking. Here's my schedule.
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No. Now, Jeff,
just by asking that...
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you have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution.
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Oi! Waster!
Not a bathroom!
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- Not a bathroom.
- Okay.
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Duncan, you did seem less
into integrity...
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the day that I convinced
12 of yours peers...
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that when you made
that u-turn on the freeway...
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and tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box...
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that your only real crime
was loving America.
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Well, I do love America.
I love it very much.
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Mmm?
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I-- I love chalupas.
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But?
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- I'll look into it.
- Thank you.
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Duncan, you are a good man.
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Jeff, are you familiar with the adage,
"Cheaters never prosper"?
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No, and if I wanted
to learn something...
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I wouldn't have come
to community college.
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::: Timecodes - gius :::
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- Oh, hey! Spanish.
- Uh, don't hit on me, okay?
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Whoa.
I wouldn't dream of it.
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I just wanted to let you know
about my Spanish study group.
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Oh, whoa, whoa.
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The guy who's playing bejeweled
on his iPhone all class has a study group?
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Um, can I sign up twice?
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I'm taking the class as an easy credit.
I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
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- Board certified.
- Can you say that in Spanish now?
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- I really need help with Spanish.
- Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff...
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or Jefe.
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- The group meets at the library at 4:00.
- Britta. Thanks.
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You're gonna be there?
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Poquito mas.
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That means, "see you there".
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Shouldn't be too hard
to fake a study group, right?
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Oh, geez, I'm sorry.
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I was raised on TV
and I was conditioned to believe...
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that every black woman over 50
is a cosmic mentor.
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Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn tacos, Sein-field?
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Yes, I'm so sorry.
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It's Seinfeld.
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Bien-- Bien--
Bienvenido.
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Bienvenido.
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"Bienvenuto"!
Hey, all right, come on in.
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Uh, got the whole table.
Welcome.
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- Yeah, got the whole room.
- Yeah, here's the, uh...
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contact sheet.
Just put your stuff there.
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Man.
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Rest of the group is running late.
But you and I can get acquainted.
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You may have noticed this morning,
not so good at the small talk.
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- Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
- That's not small talk?
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What's your deal
and is God dead?
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All right, you want to know my deal?
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I dropped out of high school
because I thought...
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for some reason
it would impress Radiohead.
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You'd be surprised
what gets back to these guys.
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I, um-- I joined the Peace Corps.
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Did a little foot modeling.
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I got tear gassed
at a world trade rally.
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Marry me.
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And I guess, Jeff, my deal is,
above all else, honesty.
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- Honesty?
- Yeah.
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You tell me the truth, I will like you.
You lie to me, I will never talk to you again.
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- That's my deal.
- Ah, that's a good deal.
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- So what's your deal?
- Uh, I would have to go--
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I would have to say,
um, honesty...
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because...
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I would say anything to get what I want
and I want you to like me.
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So, uh--
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Wow.
That's a very honest answer.
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All right, now I like you fine.
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Really? Wow.
You're easy.
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Hell yeah.
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Abed in the house!
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- Whoo!
- Whoo!
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- Whoo. Why?
- Britta invited me. Is that cool?
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Oh, I can't think of a single
logical reason why not.
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- Cool.
- There you go.
135
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Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info
down right there. That's right.
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Cool, cool, cool.
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Cool, cool, cool.
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Hey, this is kind of like
Breakfast Club, huh?
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- We are in a library.
- Yeah, I'm sure...
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we've each got an issue balled up inside of us
that would make us cry if we talked about it.
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Do you have something
balled up inside of you?
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Well, I got a little doozy
in the chamber if things get emotional.
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Hey, text message.
Let's give this bad boy a read.
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- It's probably just for you.
- I've never gotten one of these.
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They're-- It's probably-- You just--
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"Say you have to pee.
I need to talk to you."
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- "Say you have to pee."
- That is weird.
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- "Say you have to pee. I need to--"
- Yeah, do you have to pee?
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- No.
- Hmm.
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- That's so weird.
- Well, I'm stumped. That's very creepy.
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That makes two of us.
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- What's that?
- Does it say you have to pee?
153
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No, it's just someone with
a misguided grasp of abbreviation.
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I just need five minutes, you guys,
so go ahead and study all the...
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verbs... in Spanish.
156
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- Abed?
- Yeah?
157
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What's your read on that guy?
158
00:08:06,676 --> 00:08:09,244
You look like Elisabeth Shue.
159
00:08:10,749 --> 00:08:12,337
Just act natural.
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Pretend you're watching
the athletic proceedings.
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You couldn't stop me
from watching them.
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There's a guy trying out for the track team
that is older than the game of poker.
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He's kind of trucking.
164
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Suppose I was to say to you it was
possible to get those test answers?
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I would say, "go for that",
and could have said so in a text.
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I'm asking you if you know the difference
between right and wrong.
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I discovered at a very early age
that if I talk long enough...
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I could make anything
right or wrong.
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So either I'm God
or truth is relative.
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- And in either case, Booyah.
- Oh, interesting.
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It's just the average person has
a much harder time saying...
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"Booyah", to moral relativism.
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Duncan, you don't have to play shrink
to protect your pride.
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I accept.
You're chicken.
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00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:55,892
Are you trying to use reverse psychology
on a psychologist?
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00:08:55,893 --> 00:08:58,985
No, I'm just using regular psychology
on a spineless, British twit.
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I'm a professor!
You can't talk to me that way.
178
00:09:01,168 --> 00:09:03,078
A six-year-old girl could talk
to you that way.
179
00:09:03,079 --> 00:09:06,443
- Yes, because that would be adorable!
- No, because you're a five-year-old girl...
180
00:09:06,444 --> 00:09:07,812
and there's a pecking order.
181
00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:09,752
- Fine! I'll do it!
- Thank you.
182
00:09:09,753 --> 00:09:11,296
Yeah, pleasure.
183
00:09:11,522 --> 00:09:12,489
Bye!
184
00:09:12,714 --> 00:09:14,241
Yes!
Good!
185
00:09:14,504 --> 00:09:18,050
Why am I still shouting?
I'm drawing attention to myself.
186
00:09:18,051 --> 00:09:22,002
You guys aren't gonna believe this,
but the rest of the group...
187
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:23,613
is here.
188
00:09:23,723 --> 00:09:26,049
Are you the board-certified tutor?
189
00:09:26,050 --> 00:09:28,002
That means you do my homework,
right, Seacrest?
190
00:09:28,003 --> 00:09:30,020
I need to call my babysitter
if we're gon' be later than 10:00.
191
00:09:30,021 --> 00:09:31,749
What board certifies a tutor?
192
00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:32,998
- Where's Britta?
- Not sure.
193
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:35,257
But I invited more people
from Spanish class. Is that cool?
194
00:09:35,258 --> 00:09:37,569
It's the coolest.
195
00:09:37,972 --> 00:09:40,840
I'm gonna go to the bathroom...
196
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:45,878
and bring my jacket, wallet,
and keys with me...
197
00:09:46,056 --> 00:09:47,864
in case there's a fire.
198
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,596
Should we go with him?
199
00:09:49,597 --> 00:09:51,844
I'm leaving my homework
with Slumdog Millionaire over here.
200
00:09:51,845 --> 00:09:54,492
That's borderline racist, I think.
201
00:09:57,312 --> 00:09:59,049
And busted.
202
00:09:59,735 --> 00:10:02,927
- Uh, listen.
- Now you know. I'm a smoker.
203
00:10:03,566 --> 00:10:06,501
Yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.
204
00:10:06,502 --> 00:10:09,124
You ready to get started? Looks like
the rest of your group showed up.
205
00:10:09,125 --> 00:10:12,544
Yeah, not mine, actually. I think
Abed took out a page on Craigslist.
206
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,519
And I was trained never
to say this...
207
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,128
but I think that group
may be untutorable.
208
00:10:17,129 --> 00:10:18,368
Oh, really?
209
00:10:18,369 --> 00:10:20,646
So why don't you and I go study over--
210
00:10:20,647 --> 00:10:22,473
- Dinner?
- Or drinks.
211
00:10:22,474 --> 00:10:24,813
I think, actually,
we should prioritize here...
212
00:10:24,814 --> 00:10:28,046
and study first
and then go to dinner.
213
00:10:29,024 --> 00:10:31,615
And if they really prove
to be untutorable...
214
00:10:31,616 --> 00:10:33,418
we'll slip out early.
215
00:10:33,568 --> 00:10:36,203
Oh... they will be...
216
00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:38,224
untutorable.
217
00:10:46,015 --> 00:10:48,095
All right.
218
00:10:48,324 --> 00:10:52,590
Look at this crew.
All ready to study all night.
219
00:10:52,591 --> 00:10:56,779
- Well, I can stay at least till 10:00.
- But who studies with strangers, right?
220
00:10:56,780 --> 00:10:59,501
- My name is Jeff.
- Jeff, it's a pleasure.
221
00:10:59,502 --> 00:11:01,457
My name is Pierce Hawthorne
and, yes...
222
00:11:01,458 --> 00:11:05,177
That is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes,
the award-winning moist towellete.
223
00:11:05,178 --> 00:11:06,350
I was just going to ask.
224
00:11:06,351 --> 00:11:08,770
I'm also a toast master, so perhaps
I should do the introductions.
225
00:11:08,771 --> 00:11:10,493
- Definitely!
- All right, you already know Brittles.
226
00:11:10,494 --> 00:11:12,755
- Britta.
- Abed. Abed the Arab.
227
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,275
- Is that inappropriate?
- Sure.
228
00:11:14,276 --> 00:11:15,873
Roy. Roy the wonder boy.
229
00:11:15,874 --> 00:11:17,570
- Troy.
- Little Princess Elizabeth.
230
00:11:17,571 --> 00:11:18,553
Annie.
231
00:11:18,554 --> 00:11:22,131
And finally, this beautiful creature
is named Shirley.
232
00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:24,026
Is that even close?
233
00:11:24,027 --> 00:11:26,592
I'd like to know why I had to find out
about this group on accident?
234
00:11:26,593 --> 00:11:28,362
This is getting way more
like Breakfast Club now.
235
00:11:28,363 --> 00:11:30,810
- There's breakfast?
- Okay, um, maybe we should get started--
236
00:11:30,811 --> 00:11:35,157
I've been a part of a lot of study groups,
that fell apart because of unresolved tension.
237
00:11:35,158 --> 00:11:38,017
Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?
Did we not invite her?
238
00:11:38,018 --> 00:11:39,960
Well, Annie, sweetie,
it's not behind your back.
239
00:11:39,961 --> 00:11:42,873
Can we stop with the
"pumpkins" and the "sweeties"?
240
00:11:42,874 --> 00:11:44,907
Being younger does
not make me inferior.
241
00:11:44,908 --> 00:11:48,558
If anything, your age indicates
that you've made bad life decisions.
242
00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:50,729
- Shirley has a response to that.
- No, no, no. I don't.
243
00:11:50,730 --> 00:11:53,375
- You should. It looks like you do.
- Shirley, go ahead.
244
00:11:53,376 --> 00:11:54,990
Okay, okay. Um...
245
00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:58,474
I'm sure I've made
some bad life decisions...
246
00:11:58,475 --> 00:12:01,167
and maybe Annie's decisions
will be better.
247
00:12:01,168 --> 00:12:04,741
But I think she needs to decide whether
she wants to be considered a child...
248
00:12:04,742 --> 00:12:07,879
or an adult, because children get pity
when not respected.
249
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,679
Adults, they get respect...
250
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,735
but they also get the back of they head grabbed
and their face pushed through jukeboxes.
251
00:12:12,736 --> 00:12:16,871
Okay. Why don't we try learning
"jukebox" in Spanish?
252
00:12:16,872 --> 00:12:18,931
- What are you doing?
- Pierce!
253
00:12:18,932 --> 00:12:21,018
- Let's discuss this creepiness.
- Pardon you?
254
00:12:21,019 --> 00:12:23,134
- What are you doing?
- I'm certified.
255
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:27,416
Are you unaware that Shirley
finds your advances inappropriate?
256
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,242
What advances?
257
00:12:29,243 --> 00:12:32,490
You have been sexually harassing me
since the very first day of class.
258
00:12:32,491 --> 00:12:34,317
Sexually harassing?
259
00:12:34,730 --> 00:12:36,789
What?
That makes no sense to me.
260
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:39,812
Why would I harass somebody
who turns me on?
261
00:12:39,897 --> 00:12:43,350
Saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.
262
00:12:43,576 --> 00:12:44,563
Hey.
263
00:12:45,622 --> 00:12:48,661
I am a prominent business leader
and a highly sought after dinner guest...
264
00:12:48,662 --> 00:12:52,460
and I will not take courting advice
from some teenage boy.
265
00:12:52,461 --> 00:12:56,060
Well, this teenage boy
is a quarterback and a prom king.
266
00:12:56,061 --> 00:12:59,445
You're not prom king anymore, Troy.
This isn't Riverside High.
267
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,055
How'd you know I went there?
268
00:13:01,056 --> 00:13:04,448
Because you're still wearing
your stupid letter jacket...
269
00:13:04,449 --> 00:13:08,304
and more importantly,
I sat behind you in algebra.
270
00:13:08,882 --> 00:13:11,741
Well, you're the girl that got
hooked on pills and then dropped out.
271
00:13:11,742 --> 00:13:13,450
You're little Annie Adderall.
272
00:13:13,451 --> 00:13:15,601
Yes, and you are a stupid jock...
273
00:13:15,602 --> 00:13:18,944
who lost his scholarship by dislocating
both shoulders in a keg stand.
274
00:13:18,945 --> 00:13:21,471
Keg flip.
They're very hard to pull off.
275
00:13:21,649 --> 00:13:24,121
You don't know--
I'm a legend.
276
00:13:25,703 --> 00:13:27,872
Would everybody just--
277
00:13:29,410 --> 00:13:32,011
You know what I got for Christmas?
278
00:13:32,537 --> 00:13:35,315
It was a banner year
at the Bender family.
279
00:13:35,316 --> 00:13:37,465
I got a carton of cigarettes.
280
00:13:37,624 --> 00:13:41,484
The old man grabbed me, he said,
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny!"
281
00:13:42,460 --> 00:13:45,034
"No, dad! What about you?"
282
00:13:48,476 --> 00:13:49,893
Well, uh...
283
00:13:49,894 --> 00:13:53,338
that-- that actually was from
the Breakfast Club.
284
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,273
Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
285
00:13:56,780 --> 00:13:58,695
Dirty dancing.
Hello?
286
00:13:58,696 --> 00:14:02,232
It's professor Duncan.
Come to the parking lot now.
287
00:14:02,233 --> 00:14:03,835
What's wrong with your voice?
288
00:14:03,836 --> 00:14:05,699
I'm disguising it.
289
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:08,265
Uh, I'll be right back.
290
00:14:08,266 --> 00:14:11,786
But while I'm gone, you guys need
to hash this stuff out.
291
00:14:11,787 --> 00:14:13,709
No stone unturned.
292
00:14:13,925 --> 00:14:14,688
Go!
293
00:14:14,689 --> 00:14:16,843
What is he talking about?
294
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,018
Get in the car!
295
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:32,716
Act as if we've either just finished
or yet to begin driving.
296
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,144
Every answer to every test
in your curriculum this semester.
297
00:14:37,145 --> 00:14:39,280
I knew you could do it, buddy.
Thank you.
298
00:14:39,281 --> 00:14:41,374
Whoa there, grabby-grabby.
299
00:14:41,712 --> 00:14:44,937
- What do I get?
- The satisfaction of being even.
300
00:14:44,938 --> 00:14:48,374
Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God. Booyah, Booyah.
301
00:14:48,375 --> 00:14:50,294
What do you want from me?
302
00:14:50,463 --> 00:14:51,469
Your Lexus.
303
00:14:51,470 --> 00:14:53,605
My car for a semester's
worth of answers?
304
00:14:53,606 --> 00:14:55,915
Will it be just
a semester though, Jeff?
305
00:14:55,916 --> 00:14:59,454
Won't you be taking the easy way out
for the next four years?
306
00:14:59,455 --> 00:15:01,191
I want payment in advance.
307
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,789
I want leather seats
with built-in ball warmers.
308
00:15:03,790 --> 00:15:07,690
You know, bluffs this weak are how
your people lost the colonies.
309
00:15:07,691 --> 00:15:10,089
Have a nice disbarment hearing.
310
00:15:11,103 --> 00:15:12,545
What am I supposed to drive?
311
00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:14,607
Why don't you take this car?
It's good for the earth.
312
00:15:14,608 --> 00:15:19,008
Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf,
but it's not how a man gets around!
313
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,305
- It is a disaster in there.
- Yeah, untutorable.
314
00:15:34,408 --> 00:15:36,219
You like Thai food?
I love Thai food.
315
00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:39,843
Wait, so this is a game to you?
You put human beings...
316
00:15:39,844 --> 00:15:43,410
into a state of emotional shambles
for a shot at getting in my pants?
317
00:15:43,411 --> 00:15:46,739
Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?
318
00:15:46,833 --> 00:15:50,071
Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
319
00:15:50,072 --> 00:15:52,697
I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.
320
00:15:52,698 --> 00:15:55,623
But how was I supposed to know
that you were smart and cool?
321
00:15:55,624 --> 00:15:57,384
I mean, you look
like Elisabeth Shue.
322
00:15:57,385 --> 00:15:59,418
- You're unbelievable.
- What do you want me to do?
323
00:15:59,419 --> 00:16:02,714
Oh, maybe one decent thing could be
to go in there and clean up your mess.
324
00:16:02,715 --> 00:16:05,842
Okay, I am the Barack Obama
of this room.
325
00:16:06,555 --> 00:16:09,122
Okay, if I do that,
then dinner, right?
326
00:16:09,123 --> 00:16:12,037
I'm here to learn Spanish!
I got children at home!
327
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:13,556
Yeah, fine, whatever.
328
00:16:13,557 --> 00:16:16,185
As if there's a dinner on earth
that could make me forget...
329
00:16:16,186 --> 00:16:17,907
you are a shallow douchebag.
330
00:16:17,908 --> 00:16:22,282
Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.
331
00:16:29,026 --> 00:16:31,219
All right, everybody!
332
00:16:31,444 --> 00:16:33,781
I want to say something.
Sit down.
333
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:37,644
You don't have to yell.
I don't appreciate your tone.
334
00:16:38,970 --> 00:16:41,392
You know what makes humans
different from other animals?
335
00:16:41,393 --> 00:16:42,371
Feet.
336
00:16:42,652 --> 00:16:44,724
No, no, no. Come on.
Bears have feet.
337
00:16:44,725 --> 00:16:48,856
We're the only species on earth
that observes Shark Week.
338
00:16:49,194 --> 00:16:52,189
Sharks don't even observe
Shark Week, but we do.
339
00:16:52,190 --> 00:16:54,563
For the same reason
I can pick up this pencil...
340
00:16:54,564 --> 00:16:57,555
tell you it's name is Steve,
and go like this.
341
00:16:57,677 --> 00:17:01,225
And part of you dies
just a little bit on the inside...
342
00:17:01,307 --> 00:17:04,369
because people can connect
with anything.
343
00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:07,004
We can sympathize with a pencil.
We can forgive a shark.
344
00:17:07,005 --> 00:17:09,864
And we can give Ben Affleck
an Academy Award for screenwriting.
345
00:17:09,865 --> 00:17:11,376
- Big mistake.
- He's got a point.
346
00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:15,976
People can find the good in just
about anything but themselves.
347
00:17:16,098 --> 00:17:19,382
Look at me. It's clear to all of you
that I am awesome...
348
00:17:19,383 --> 00:17:22,198
but I can never admit that,
because that would make me an ass.
349
00:17:22,199 --> 00:17:25,150
But what I can do is see
what makes Annie awesome.
350
00:17:25,151 --> 00:17:27,611
She's driven.
We need driven people...
351
00:17:27,612 --> 00:17:29,637
or the lights go out
and the ice cream melts.
352
00:17:29,638 --> 00:17:32,137
And Pierce.
We need guys like Pierce.
353
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,488
This guy has wisdom to offer.
354
00:17:34,489 --> 00:17:37,184
- The Dalai Lama and I--
- We should listen to him sometime.
355
00:17:37,185 --> 00:17:39,637
We wouldn't regret it.
And Shirley.
356
00:17:39,638 --> 00:17:43,279
Shirley has earned our respect,
not as a wife, not as a mother...
357
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,016
but as a woman.
358
00:17:45,017 --> 00:17:47,533
And don't test her on that,
because that thing about the jukebox...
359
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,507
was way too specific
to be improvised.
360
00:17:49,508 --> 00:17:50,589
And Troy.
361
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,313
Who cares if Troy thinks
he's all that?
362
00:17:53,314 --> 00:17:54,595
Maybe he is.
363
00:17:54,596 --> 00:17:57,133
You think astronauts go to the moon
because they hate oxygen?
364
00:17:57,134 --> 00:18:00,582
No, they're trying to impress
their high school's prom king.
365
00:18:00,583 --> 00:18:01,846
And Abed.
366
00:18:02,034 --> 00:18:05,368
Abed's a shaman.
You ask him to pass the salt...
367
00:18:05,369 --> 00:18:08,380
he gives you a bowl of soup,
because you know what?
368
00:18:08,381 --> 00:18:11,194
Soup is better.
Abed is better.
369
00:18:11,195 --> 00:18:13,845
You are all better
than you think you are.
370
00:18:13,855 --> 00:18:16,938
You are just designed not to believe it
when you hear it from yourself.
371
00:18:16,939 --> 00:18:17,975
Soup?
372
00:18:18,295 --> 00:18:21,279
I want you to look
to the person to your left.
373
00:18:21,645 --> 00:18:24,345
Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.
374
00:18:24,346 --> 00:18:25,861
Look at her?
Okay.
375
00:18:25,862 --> 00:18:27,046
- This?
- Yeah.
376
00:18:27,047 --> 00:18:29,904
I want you to extend
to that person...
377
00:18:30,073 --> 00:18:34,079
the same compassion that you extend
to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck.
378
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,544
I want you to say to that person,
"I forgive you."
379
00:18:38,286 --> 00:18:40,441
- I forgive you.
- I forgive you.
380
00:18:40,442 --> 00:18:42,469
- I forgive you.
- You little twerp.
381
00:18:42,470 --> 00:18:44,786
Pierce, I'd like you to say,
"I forgive you."
382
00:18:44,787 --> 00:18:46,263
He didn't say it?
383
00:18:47,704 --> 00:18:50,121
You've just stopped being
a study group.
384
00:18:50,122 --> 00:18:53,248
You have become something
unstoppable.
385
00:18:53,858 --> 00:18:57,107
I hereby pronounce you a community.
386
00:18:57,548 --> 00:19:00,659
Oh, that's nice.
I like that.
387
00:19:03,631 --> 00:19:06,367
This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore.
Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs.
388
00:19:06,368 --> 00:19:07,843
Anything with Bill Murray, really.
389
00:19:07,844 --> 00:19:11,047
I agree with Abed that tonight
has been very special.
390
00:19:11,195 --> 00:19:12,707
And now, if you'll excuse me...
391
00:19:12,708 --> 00:19:15,208
I have a dinner engagement
with Britta.
392
00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:18,000
- Britta?
- I lied.
393
00:19:18,666 --> 00:19:21,922
Thanks for calming everyone down.
But since you're not a Spanish tutor...
394
00:19:21,923 --> 00:19:24,919
just a lying creep
who purposely upset everyone...
395
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,779
in an attempt to get with me,
I'd appreciate it if you left...
396
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:30,112
and stopped wasting all of our time.
397
00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:31,898
Everybody ready?
398
00:19:33,025 --> 00:19:34,003
Fine.
399
00:19:35,223 --> 00:19:37,137
And I'm happy to report...
400
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:40,277
that one of the benefits
of being a lying creep...
401
00:19:40,278 --> 00:19:43,248
is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.
402
00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:45,442
And I'm happy
to share them with anyone...
403
00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:48,070
whose time I've wasted more
than they've wasted mine.
404
00:19:48,071 --> 00:19:50,732
Uh, Jeff, if you have
all the answers...
405
00:19:50,733 --> 00:19:52,712
why the hell did you start
this study group?
406
00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:54,648
I don't have a study group, Pierce.
I made it up.
407
00:19:54,649 --> 00:19:57,191
- What about the "look left" speech?
- Made it up. That's what I do.
408
00:19:57,192 --> 00:20:00,255
I make things up
and I got paid a lot of money...
409
00:20:00,256 --> 00:20:03,179
to do it before I came
to this school-shaped toilet.
410
00:20:03,180 --> 00:20:05,013
- I was a lawyer.
- Oh, God.
411
00:20:05,014 --> 00:20:06,813
That explains everything.
412
00:20:07,364 --> 00:20:09,617
You know, I thought you were like
Bill Murray in any of his films...
413
00:20:09,618 --> 00:20:11,546
but you're more like Michael Douglas
in any of his films.
414
00:20:11,547 --> 00:20:12,583
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
415
00:20:12,584 --> 00:20:14,669
Well, you have Asperger's.
416
00:20:17,664 --> 00:20:18,753
"Ass burger."
417
00:20:18,754 --> 00:20:20,998
- It's a serious disorder.
- It really is.
418
00:20:20,999 --> 00:20:24,101
If it's so serious,
why don't they call it meningitis?
419
00:20:24,102 --> 00:20:25,242
Yeah.
420
00:20:25,739 --> 00:20:28,672
- "Ass burger."
- Burger for your ass.
421
00:20:50,711 --> 00:20:54,100
Jeffrey, before you say anything you may want
to think about the gift you've been given.
422
00:20:54,101 --> 00:20:56,968
- An excuse to punch a hippy?
- No. No, not that.
423
00:20:56,969 --> 00:20:59,004
An important lesson, my friend.
424
00:20:59,005 --> 00:21:02,311
You see, the tools you acquired
to survive out there...
425
00:21:02,312 --> 00:21:04,397
will not help you here at Greendale.
426
00:21:04,398 --> 00:21:07,858
What you have, my friend,
is a second chance at an honest life.
427
00:21:07,859 --> 00:21:10,674
Why are people trying
to teach me things...
428
00:21:10,675 --> 00:21:13,727
at a school that has
an express tuition aisle?
429
00:21:13,962 --> 00:21:15,170
Give me my keys.
430
00:21:15,171 --> 00:21:17,298
No, I have to keep the car
for the lesson-- the less--
431
00:21:17,299 --> 00:21:19,119
Don't hit me.
Please, don't hit me.
432
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:22,165
Jeffrey?
Jeffrey, are we cool?
433
00:21:22,775 --> 00:21:24,310
Are we cool?
434
00:21:25,847 --> 00:21:27,133
We cool.
435
00:21:28,940 --> 00:21:30,771
I like you, Jeffrey.
436
00:21:32,336 --> 00:21:35,163
You remind me of myself
at your age.
437
00:21:36,017 --> 00:21:37,317
I deserve that.
438
00:21:37,542 --> 00:21:38,794
You know...
439
00:21:39,461 --> 00:21:43,087
I've been divorced... seven times.
440
00:21:43,951 --> 00:21:47,023
Sometimes I think
I'm doing something wrong.
441
00:21:51,831 --> 00:21:54,114
You keep getting married.
442
00:21:54,584 --> 00:21:56,967
I never looked at it that way.
443
00:21:59,671 --> 00:22:01,721
Shouldn't you guys be studying?
444
00:22:01,727 --> 00:22:04,620
Yeah, things got kind
of boring after you left.
445
00:22:04,621 --> 00:22:06,541
Let me ask you something.
446
00:22:06,542 --> 00:22:09,957
People been clowning me about
this jacket since I got here, but...
447
00:22:09,958 --> 00:22:13,871
if I take it off to make them happy,
that just makes me weak, right?
448
00:22:13,872 --> 00:22:16,220
Listen.
It doesn't matter.
449
00:22:16,458 --> 00:22:19,898
You lose the jacket to please them.
You keep it to piss them off.
450
00:22:19,899 --> 00:22:24,267
Either way, it's for them.
That's what's weak.
451
00:22:25,009 --> 00:22:25,997
Wow.
452
00:22:27,531 --> 00:22:29,386
You just wrinkled my brain, man.
453
00:22:29,387 --> 00:22:31,314
- He's good, isn't he?
- He's real good.
454
00:22:31,315 --> 00:22:35,511
Shouldn't you be rolling around
on a bed covered in test answers?
455
00:22:38,206 --> 00:22:40,578
I don't have any of the answers.
456
00:22:40,579 --> 00:22:42,471
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna flunk the test.
457
00:22:42,472 --> 00:22:45,257
You just, like, study for, like, an hour.
It's not that hard.
458
00:22:45,258 --> 00:22:47,270
You seem pretty smart.
You got a sports coat.
459
00:22:47,271 --> 00:22:48,516
Well, me.
460
00:22:48,620 --> 00:22:51,640
Funny thing about being smart
is that you can get through most of life...
461
00:22:51,641 --> 00:22:53,546
without ever having
to do any work.
462
00:22:53,547 --> 00:22:54,946
So, uh...
463
00:22:55,393 --> 00:22:58,088
I'm not really sure how to do that.
464
00:23:10,082 --> 00:23:11,152
What's going on?
465
00:23:11,153 --> 00:23:12,880
Can you guys hear me?
Am I deaf?
466
00:23:12,881 --> 00:23:15,156
- Can you hear me talking right now? Yes?
- Yes.
467
00:23:15,157 --> 00:23:16,424
That's good.
468
00:23:18,535 --> 00:23:19,502
You know what?
469
00:23:19,503 --> 00:23:22,300
Jeff, actually,
we didn't get that far without you...
470
00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:25,304
so if you want
to come back upstairs--
471
00:23:28,114 --> 00:23:29,175
Really?
472
00:23:29,612 --> 00:23:31,996
Well, it is your study group, so.
473
00:23:31,997 --> 00:23:34,677
- Come on, let's study.
- Sounds good.
474
00:23:34,678 --> 00:23:36,189
No pressure.
475
00:23:46,049 --> 00:23:50,231
I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas
and I see your value now.
476
00:23:51,282 --> 00:23:55,759
Well, that's the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
477
00:24:04,618 --> 00:24:14,618
::: Timecodes - gius :::