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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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Good morning.
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How do we turn this off? Mother, you think
you can come and help me turn it off?
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How do we turn this off?
Can you help me with this?
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Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
I didn't mean to snap.
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- uh, good morning.
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Many of you
are halfway through
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Your first week here
at greendale
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And as your dean,
i thought i would
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Share a few thoughts
of wisdom and inspiration.
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What is community college?
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Well, you've heard
all kinds of things.
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You've heard it's
"loser college
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For remedial teens,
20-something dropouts,
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Middle-age divorcees,
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And old people keeping
their minds active
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As they circle
the drain of eternity."
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That's what you heard.
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However, i wish you luck!
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Okay, you know--
uh-oh.
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Okay, there's more
to this speech.
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There's actually a middle card
that is missing.
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Can we all look around our
immediate areas,
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'cause i really wanted to--
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- i'm only half-arabic,
actually.
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My dad is palestinian.
he's a u.s. citizen.
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He's not a threat to national
security or anything.
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A lot of people want to know
that after they meet him,
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Because he has
an angry energy.
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But not, like,
angry at america.
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Just angry at my mom
for leaving him.
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Although she did leave
because he was angry
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And he was angry
because she's american.
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My name's abed,
by the way.
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- abed, nice to know you and
then meet you in that order.
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Now about that question
that i had--
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- oh, uh...
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5 after 11:00
when you asked.
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- abed?
- yeah?
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- what's the deal with
the hot girl from spanish class?
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I can't find a road
in there.
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- well, i only talked
to her once
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While she was borrowing
a pencil, but...
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Her name is britta, she's 28,
birthday in october,
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She has two older brothers
and one of 'em
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Works with children
who have a disorder
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I might want to look up.
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Oh, and she thinks
she's gonna flunk
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Tomorrow's test,
so she really needs to focus
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So she's sorry
if that makes her seem cold.
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- holy crap.
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Abed...
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I see your value now.
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- that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
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Absolutely not.
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If these guys knew you like I did
they would have given you a small office.
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- jeff winger!
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Genius at law.
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- you got to stop saying that.
- i will never do that. sit down
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I still cannot figure out how you
gonna join
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September the 11th with my DUI,
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that alone, why that helped.
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Well, 2002 was a simple time.
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So what is my lawyer
doing here?
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- i'm a student.
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- well, that cannot be
an inspiring journey.
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- uh, i am in a bit
of a jam.
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The state bar has
suspended my license.
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They found out my college degree
Was less than legitimate.
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- i thought you had a bachelor's
from columbia.
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- now i have to get one
from america.
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- and it can't be
an email attachment.
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- well, you've picked
a fine school.
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- yes, and i'm hoping
that our friendship
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Will yield certain advantages.
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You know, academic guidance...
- yes.
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- moral support,
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Every answer
to every test
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For every one of the classes
that i'm taking.
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Here's my schedule.
- no. Now, jeff, just by asking that,
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You have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution.
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Waster!
not a bathroom!
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Not a bathroom.
- okay. Duncan, you...
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did seem less into integrity
The day that i convinced
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12 of yours peers that when you made
that u-turn on the freeway
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And tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box,
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That your only real crime
was loving america.
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Well, I do love America, I do love it,
very much.
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I love chalupas.
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But...
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- i'll look into it.
- thank you.
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Duncan, you are a good man.
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- jeff, are you familiar with the adage,
"cheaters never prosper"?
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No...
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and if i wanted to learn something,
I wouldn't have come to community college.
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Transcripted on MY-SUBS by honeybunny and VeRdiKT
www.MY-SUBS.com
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- oh, hey! spanish.
- uh, don't hit on me, okay?
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- whoa.
I wouldn't dream of it.
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I just wanted to let you know
about my spanish study group.
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the guy who's playing bejeweled
on his iphone all class has a study group?
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Um, can i sign up twice?
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- i'm taking the class as an easy credit.
I'm actually a spanish tutor.
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- Board certified.
- can you say that in spanish now?
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- [speaking spanish]
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- i really need help with spanish.
- yeah, i was willing to bet.. i'm jeff.
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Or "Jefe".
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Boss.
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- We meet at the library at 4:00.
- yeah, britta. thanks.
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You gonna be there?
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Un po' di piu'.
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That means "See you there".
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Shouldn't be too hard to fake
a study group, right?
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Oh, geez, I'm sorry... I...
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I was raised on TV and I was conditioned
to believe that every...
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Black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor..
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Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn taco, Sanfield?
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Yes, I'm so sorry.
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It's Seinfeld.
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Group Study Room
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Bienvenido.
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Bienvenuto!
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Hey, all right,
come on in.
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- I got the whole table. Welcome.
- Yeah.
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- We have the whole room.
- Yeah, here's the, uh...
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contact sheet.
Just put your stuff there.
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Man.
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Rest of the group
is running late.
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But you and i can
get acquainted.
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- you may have noticed this morning,
Not so good at the small talk.
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- yeah, i like big talk.
what's your deal?
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- that's not small talk?
- what's your deal and is god dead?
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- all right, you want
to know my deal?
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I dropped out of high-school because
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I thought for some reason
it would impress Radiohead.
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You'd be surprised what gets back
to these guys.
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I joined the peace corp.
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I did a little foot modelling,
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I got tear gased in a World Trade Rally...
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Marry me.
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And I think, Jeff, my deal is above
all else, honesty.
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- honesty?
- yeah.
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You tell me the truth,
i will like you.
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You lie to me, i will never talk to you again.
That's my deal.
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- ah, that's a good deal.
- So what's your deal?
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- uh, i would have to go--
I would have to say,
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um, honesty,
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Because...
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I would say anything
to get what i want.
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And i want you
to like me. So, uh..
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- wow.
that's a very honest answer.
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All right,
now i like you fine.
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- really? Wow. you're easy.
- hell yeah.
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Abed in the house!
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- why?
- britta invited me. is that cool?
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- oh, i can't think
of a single logical reason why not.
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- cool.
- there you go.
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Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down
right there.
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That's right.
- cool, cool, cool.
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Cool, cool, cool.
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hey, this is kind of like
breakfast club, huh?
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- we are in a library.
- yeah.
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i'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us
that would make us cry if we talked about it.
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- do you have something
balled up inside of you?
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- well, i got a little doozy
in the chamber if things get emotional.
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Oh.
hey, text message.
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- Let's give this bad boy a read.
- it's probably just for your eyes.
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- I've never got one of these
- Well, it's jut.. You probably...
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- it's probably just for your eyes.
- "say you have to pee. i need to talk to you."
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"say you have to pee."
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- that is weird.
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- "say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."
- do you have to pee?
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- no.
- hmm.
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- that's so weird.
- well, i'm stumped. That's very creepy.
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That's very creepy.
- does it say you have to pee?
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- no, it's just someone
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With a misguided grasp
of abbreviation.
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I just need five minutes, you guys,
So go ahead and study
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all the verbs...in spanish.
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- Abed...
- Yeah?
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What's your read on that guy?
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00:08:05,725 --> 00:08:07,325
You look like Elisabeth Shue.
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00:08:09,666 --> 00:08:13,342
Act natural, pretend you are watching
the athletic proceedings.
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You couldn't stop me from watching them.
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There's a guy trying out for the track, that's older
than the game of poker.
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He's kinda trucking.
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- suppose i was to say to you
It was possible to get those test answers?
186
00:08:26,457 --> 00:08:29,297
- i would say, "go for that,"
And could have said so in a text.
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00:08:29,298 --> 00:08:32,470
- i'm asking you if you know the difference
Between right and wrong.
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00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:36,085
- i discovered at a very early age
That if i talk long enough,
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00:08:36,086 --> 00:08:38,163
I could make anything
right or wrong.
190
00:08:38,164 --> 00:08:41,041
So either i'm god
or truth is relative.
191
00:08:41,076 --> 00:08:42,776
And in either case,
booyah.
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00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:46,194
- oh, interesting. It's just the average person has
a much harder time saying,
193
00:08:46,195 --> 00:08:48,105
"booyah,"
to moral relativism.
194
00:08:48,106 --> 00:08:50,667
- duncan, you don't have to play shrink
To protect your pride.
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00:08:50,668 --> 00:08:52,423
I accept.
you're chicken.
196
00:08:52,424 --> 00:08:54,907
Are you trying to use reverse psychology
on a psychologist?
197
00:08:54,908 --> 00:08:58,187
No, I'm just using regular psychology
on a spineless, British twit.
198
00:08:58,188 --> 00:09:00,115
- i'm a professor.
you can't talk to me that way.
199
00:09:00,116 --> 00:09:03,417
- a six-year-old girl could talk to you that way.
- yes, because that would be adorable!
200
00:09:03,452 --> 00:09:06,840
- No, because you're a five-year-old girl
And there's a pecking order.
201
00:09:06,841 --> 00:09:08,757
- fine! i'll do it!
- thank you.
202
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,458
- yeah, pleasure.
203
00:09:10,586 --> 00:09:11,586
Bye!
204
00:09:11,734 --> 00:09:13,108
Yes!
good!
205
00:09:13,436 --> 00:09:15,337
Why am i still shouting?
206
00:09:15,338 --> 00:09:16,910
I'm drawing attention
to myself.
207
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,195
- you guys aren't gonna believe this,
But the rest of the group...
208
00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:22,556
Is here.
209
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,158
- are you
the board-certified tutor?
210
00:09:25,159 --> 00:09:26,953
- that means you do my homework,
right, Seacrest?
211
00:09:26,954 --> 00:09:29,020
- i need to call my babysitter
If we're gon' be later than 10:00.
212
00:09:29,021 --> 00:09:30,799
- what board certifies
a tutor?
213
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,017
- where's britta?
- not sure.
214
00:09:32,018 --> 00:09:34,530
But i invited more people
from spanish class. Is that cool?
215
00:09:34,531 --> 00:09:36,228
- it's the coolest.
216
00:09:36,970 --> 00:09:39,788
I'm gonna go
to the bathroom
217
00:09:39,823 --> 00:09:42,290
And bring my jacket,
218
00:09:42,325 --> 00:09:44,733
wallet,
and keys with me
219
00:09:45,056 --> 00:09:46,506
In case there's a fire.
220
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:48,471
- should we go with him?
221
00:09:48,472 --> 00:09:50,423
- i'm leaving my homework with
slumdog millionaire over here.
222
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,374
- that's borderline racist,
i think.
223
00:09:56,351 --> 00:09:58,029
- and busted.
224
00:09:58,746 --> 00:10:01,425
- uh, listen.
- now you know. I'm a smoker.
225
00:10:02,611 --> 00:10:05,099
- yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.
226
00:10:05,519 --> 00:10:08,224
- you ready to get started?
Looks like the rest of your group showed up.
227
00:10:08,225 --> 00:10:11,553
- yeah, not mine, actually.
I think abed took out a page on craigslist.
228
00:10:11,554 --> 00:10:13,431
And i was trained never
to say this,
229
00:10:13,432 --> 00:10:16,075
But i think that group
may be untutorable.
230
00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:17,210
- oh, really?
231
00:10:17,324 --> 00:10:19,719
- so why don't you and i
go study over--
232
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,423
- dinner?
- or drinks.
233
00:10:21,424 --> 00:10:23,959
- i think, actually,
we should prioritize here
234
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,379
And study first
and then go to dinner.
235
00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:31,839
And if they really prove
to be untutorable, we'll slip out early.
236
00:10:33,945 --> 00:10:35,095
- oh...they will be...
237
00:10:35,643 --> 00:10:36,793
untutorable.
238
00:10:43,189 --> 00:10:45,267
- all right.
239
00:10:45,542 --> 00:10:47,063
Look at this crew.
240
00:10:47,098 --> 00:10:49,815
All ready to study all night.
241
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,142
- well, i can stay
at least till 10:00.
242
00:10:51,143 --> 00:10:53,618
- but who studies
with strangers, right?
243
00:10:53,896 --> 00:10:55,146
My name is jeff.
244
00:10:55,395 --> 00:10:56,635
- jeff, it's a pleasure.
245
00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:58,600
My name is pierce hawthorne
and, yes,
246
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:02,047
That is hawthorne as in hawthorne wipes,
The award-winning moist towellete.
247
00:11:02,326 --> 00:11:03,399
- i was just going to ask.
248
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,982
- i'm also a toast master, so perhaps
I should do the introductions.
249
00:11:05,983 --> 00:11:07,614
- definitely!
- all right, you already know brittles.
250
00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,919
- britta.
- abed. Abed the arab.
251
00:11:09,954 --> 00:11:11,267
Is that inappropriate?
- sure.
252
00:11:11,268 --> 00:11:13,381
- roy. roy the wonder boy.
- "Troy".
253
00:11:13,416 --> 00:11:15,457
- little princess elizabeth.
- "Annie".
254
00:11:15,727 --> 00:11:18,803
- and finally, this beautiful
creature is named shirley.
255
00:11:19,496 --> 00:11:20,712
- is that even close?
256
00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:23,758
- i'd like to know why i had to find out
About this group on accident?
257
00:11:23,759 --> 00:11:26,143
- - this is getting way more like breakfast club now.
- there's breakfast?
258
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,571
- okay, um, maybe we should
get started--
259
00:11:27,572 --> 00:11:30,140
- you know, i've been a part
of a lot of study groups that fell apart
260
00:11:30,141 --> 00:11:32,141
because
of unresolved tension.
261
00:11:32,309 --> 00:11:35,061
Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?
Did we not invite her?
262
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,832
- well, annie, sweetie,
it's not behind your back.
263
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:39,884
- We just didn't think about...
- can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"?
264
00:11:40,137 --> 00:11:42,073
Being younger does
not make me inferior.
265
00:11:42,074 --> 00:11:45,621
If anything, your age indicates
That you've made bad life decisions.
266
00:11:45,794 --> 00:11:47,782
- shirley has a response to that.
- no, no, no. i don't.
267
00:11:47,783 --> 00:11:50,589
- you should. it looks like you do.
- please, shirley.
268
00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:52,246
- okay, okay.
269
00:11:52,387 --> 00:11:55,472
I'm sure i've made
some bad life decisions
270
00:11:55,628 --> 00:11:58,299
And maybe annie's decisions
will be better.
271
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:01,870
But i think she needs to decide
Whether she wants to be considered a child
272
00:12:01,950 --> 00:12:04,271
Or an adult, because children get pity
273
00:12:04,272 --> 00:12:06,998
But not respect. And adults,
they get respect,
274
00:12:06,999 --> 00:12:09,636
But they also get the back of they head grabbed
And their face pushed through jukeboxes.
275
00:12:09,637 --> 00:12:10,741
- okay.
276
00:12:10,776 --> 00:12:14,080
Why don't we try learning
"jukebox" in spanish?
277
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,081
- what are you doing?
- pierce!
278
00:12:16,082 --> 00:12:18,161
- Let's discuss this creepiness.
- pardon you?
279
00:12:18,162 --> 00:12:20,089
- what are you doing?
- i'm certified.
280
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:24,014
Are you unaware that shirley
Finds your advances inappropriate?
281
00:12:25,268 --> 00:12:26,356
what advances?
282
00:12:26,357 --> 00:12:29,665
- you have been sexually harassing me
Since the very first day of class.
283
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,316
- sexually harassing?
284
00:12:31,981 --> 00:12:33,960
what? That makes no sense to me.
285
00:12:33,995 --> 00:12:37,114
Why would i harass somebody
who turns me on?
286
00:12:37,115 --> 00:12:40,015
- saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.
287
00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:41,859
- hey.
288
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:45,790
I am a prominent business leader
And a highly sought after dinner guest
289
00:12:45,791 --> 00:12:49,775
And i will not take courting advice
From some teenage boy.
290
00:12:49,776 --> 00:12:53,196
well, this teenage boy
is a quarterback and a prom king.
291
00:12:53,197 --> 00:12:56,573
- you're not prom king anymore, troy.
This isn't riverside high.
292
00:12:56,574 --> 00:12:58,199
- how'd you know
i went there?
293
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,569
- because you're still wearing
your stupid letter jacket.
294
00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:05,289
And more importantly, I sat behind you
in Algebra.
295
00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:08,821
Wait, you're that girl that got hooked on pills
and then dropped out.
296
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,611
You're little Annie "Adderall".
297
00:13:10,612 --> 00:13:13,949
Yes, and you are a stupid jock
who lost his scholarship
298
00:13:13,950 --> 00:13:16,100
by dislocating both shoulders
in a keg stand.
299
00:13:16,101 --> 00:13:18,228
Keg flip.
They're very hard to pull off.
300
00:13:18,229 --> 00:13:21,425
You don't know--
I'm a legend.
301
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,601
You know what I got
for Christmas?
302
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,491
It was a banner year
at the Bender family.
303
00:13:32,492 --> 00:13:34,832
I got a carton
of cigarettes.
304
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:38,583
The old man grabbed me, he said,
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny!"
305
00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:42,047
"No, dad!
What about you?"
306
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,823
Well, uh...
that--
307
00:13:47,062 --> 00:13:49,970
That actually was from
The Breakfast Club.
308
00:13:51,068 --> 00:13:53,040
Nobody puts baby
in the corner.
309
00:13:53,897 --> 00:13:55,462
Dirty Dancing.
310
00:13:55,463 --> 00:13:57,180
Hello.
It's Professor Duncan.
311
00:13:57,181 --> 00:13:59,276
Come to the parking lot now.
312
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:00,990
What's wrong
with your voice?
313
00:14:00,991 --> 00:14:02,484
I'm disguising it.
314
00:14:04,396 --> 00:14:05,396
Uh, I'll be right back.
315
00:14:05,397 --> 00:14:08,967
But while I'm gone, you guys need
to hash this stuff out.
316
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,968
No stone unturned.
317
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:12,817
- Go!
- What does that...
318
00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:16,105
- I can't feel my...
319
00:14:21,051 --> 00:14:22,490
Get in the car!
320
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:29,166
Act as if either you have just finished
or yet to begin driving.
321
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:34,349
Every answer to every test
in your curriculum this semester.
322
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:36,427
I knew you could
do it, buddy. Thank you.
323
00:14:36,428 --> 00:14:38,273
Whoa there, grabby-grabby.
324
00:14:38,852 --> 00:14:42,132
- What do I get?
- The satisfaction of being even.
325
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:45,049
Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God.
326
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:47,350
- Booyah, booyah.
- What do you want from me?
327
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:50,760
- Your Lexus.
- My car for a semester's worth of answers?
328
00:14:50,761 --> 00:14:53,143
Will it be just
a semester though, Jeff?
329
00:14:53,144 --> 00:14:56,426
Won't you be taking the easy way out
for the next four years?
330
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,349
I want payment in advance.
331
00:14:58,350 --> 00:15:00,950
I want leather seats
with built-in ball warmers.
332
00:15:00,951 --> 00:15:04,890
You know, bluffs this weak are how
your people lost the colonies.
333
00:15:04,891 --> 00:15:07,175
Have a nice disbarment
hearing.
334
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,173
- What am I supposed to drive?
- Why don't you take this car? It's good for the earth.
335
00:15:11,174 --> 00:15:14,490
Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf,
but it's not how a man gets around!
336
00:15:20,804 --> 00:15:22,106
A golf kart!
337
00:15:27,997 --> 00:15:31,312
- It is a disaster in there.
- Yeah, untutorable.
338
00:15:31,716 --> 00:15:34,318
- You like Thai food? I love Thai food.
- Wait...
339
00:15:34,319 --> 00:15:35,874
so... this
is a game to you?
340
00:15:35,875 --> 00:15:38,979
You put human beings
into a state of emotional shambles
341
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,592
for a shot
at getting in my pants?
342
00:15:40,593 --> 00:15:43,287
Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?
343
00:15:44,008 --> 00:15:46,824
Ok, ok. I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
344
00:15:47,218 --> 00:15:49,775
I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.
345
00:15:49,925 --> 00:15:52,833
But how was I suppose to know
that you were smart and cool...
346
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,643
I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue.
347
00:15:54,644 --> 00:15:56,281
- You're unbelievable.
- What do you want me to do?
348
00:15:56,282 --> 00:16:00,342
Oh, maybe one decent thing could be
to go in there and clean up your mess.
349
00:16:00,343 --> 00:16:03,459
Okay, I am the Barack Obama
of this room.
350
00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:06,655
Okay, if i do that,
then dinner, right?
351
00:16:09,199 --> 00:16:10,723
Yeah, fine, whatever.
352
00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:15,227
As if there's a dinner on Earth that could
make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.
353
00:16:15,228 --> 00:16:18,326
Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.
354
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:26,344
All right, everybody!
355
00:16:26,797 --> 00:16:28,897
I want to say something.
Everybody, sit down.
356
00:16:29,508 --> 00:16:32,134
You don't have to yell.
357
00:16:34,529 --> 00:16:36,693
You know what makes humans
different from other animals?
358
00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:37,865
Feet.
359
00:16:38,111 --> 00:16:40,166
No, no, no, come on.
Bears have feet.
360
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:43,995
We're the only species on Earth
that observes Shark Week.
361
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:47,518
Sharks don't even observe
Shark Week, but we do.
362
00:16:47,749 --> 00:16:51,278
For the same reason I can pick up this pencil,
tell you it's name is Steve,
363
00:16:51,279 --> 00:16:52,830
and go like this.
364
00:16:53,123 --> 00:16:56,573
And part of you dies just
a little bit on the inside,
365
00:16:56,739 --> 00:16:59,647
because people can connect
with anything.
366
00:16:59,879 --> 00:17:01,470
We can sympathize
with a pencil.
367
00:17:01,471 --> 00:17:05,562
We can forgive a shark. And we can give
Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting.
368
00:17:05,563 --> 00:17:06,666
- Big mistake.
- He's got a point.
369
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:11,265
People can find the good
in just about anything but themselves.
370
00:17:11,513 --> 00:17:14,628
Look at me. It's clear to
all of you that I am awesome,
371
00:17:14,914 --> 00:17:17,648
but I can never admit that,
because that would make me an ass.
372
00:17:17,649 --> 00:17:20,606
But what I can do is see
what makes Annie awesome.
373
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:21,707
She's driven.
374
00:17:21,739 --> 00:17:25,107
We need driven people or the lights go out
and the ice cream melts.
375
00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:27,643
And Pierce.
We need guys like Pierce.
376
00:17:27,644 --> 00:17:29,904
This guy has
wisdom to offer.
377
00:17:29,905 --> 00:17:32,591
- The Dalai Lama and I--
- We should listen to him sometime.
378
00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:33,740
We wouldn't regret it.
379
00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:34,833
And Shirley.
380
00:17:35,078 --> 00:17:37,043
Shirley has earned
our respect,
381
00:17:37,044 --> 00:17:40,166
Not as a wife, not as a mother,
but as a woman.
382
00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:42,870
And don't test her on that,
because that thing about the jukebox
383
00:17:42,871 --> 00:17:44,915
was way too specific
to be improvised.
384
00:17:44,916 --> 00:17:45,991
And Troy.
385
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,744
Who cares if Troy
thinks he's all that?
386
00:17:48,745 --> 00:17:49,995
Maybe he is.
387
00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:53,017
You think astronauts go to the moon
because they hate oxygen? No!
388
00:17:53,018 --> 00:17:56,051
They're trying to impress
their high-school prom king.
389
00:17:56,052 --> 00:17:57,227
And Abed.
390
00:17:57,518 --> 00:17:59,138
Abed's a shaman.
391
00:17:59,139 --> 00:18:02,685
You ask him to pass the salt,
he gives you a bowl of soup,
392
00:18:02,693 --> 00:18:05,288
because you know what?
Soup is better.
393
00:18:05,289 --> 00:18:06,639
Abed is better.
394
00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:09,129
You are all better
than you think you are.
395
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:12,214
You are just designed not to believe it
when you hear it from yourself.
396
00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:13,425
Soup?
397
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,024
I want you to look
to the person to your left.
398
00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:19,782
Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.
399
00:18:19,783 --> 00:18:21,087
Look at her?
Okay.
400
00:18:21,088 --> 00:18:22,445
- This?
- Yeah.
401
00:18:22,446 --> 00:18:25,228
I want you to extend
to that person
402
00:18:25,555 --> 00:18:29,405
the same compassion that you extend
to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck.
403
00:18:29,498 --> 00:18:31,395
I want you to say
to that person,
404
00:18:31,396 --> 00:18:32,546
"I forgive you."
405
00:18:33,681 --> 00:18:35,484
- I forgive you.
- I forgive you.
406
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:37,638
- I forgive you.
- You little twerp.
407
00:18:37,870 --> 00:18:39,872
Pierce, I'd like you to say,
"I forgive you."
408
00:18:40,145 --> 00:18:41,395
He didn't say it?
409
00:18:41,856 --> 00:18:42,959
I forgive you.
410
00:18:43,149 --> 00:18:45,249
You've just stopped being
a study group.
411
00:18:45,576 --> 00:18:47,125
You have become something...
412
00:18:47,186 --> 00:18:48,536
unstoppable.
413
00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:50,973
I hereby pronounce you...
414
00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:52,534
a community.
415
00:18:53,021 --> 00:18:54,221
Oh, that's nice.
416
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:55,703
I like that.
417
00:18:58,903 --> 00:19:00,657
This isn't like
Breakfast Club anymore.
418
00:19:00,658 --> 00:19:02,959
Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs.
Anything with Bill Murray, really.
419
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,960
I agree with Abed that tonight
has been very special.
420
00:19:06,656 --> 00:19:08,122
And now,
if you'll excuse me,
421
00:19:08,123 --> 00:19:10,175
I have a dinner engagement
with Britta.
422
00:19:10,745 --> 00:19:11,810
Britta?
423
00:19:12,038 --> 00:19:13,279
I lied.
424
00:19:14,047 --> 00:19:15,844
Thanks for calming
everyone down.
425
00:19:15,845 --> 00:19:18,622
but since you're not a Spanish tutor,
just a lying creep
426
00:19:18,623 --> 00:19:21,864
who purposely upset everyone
in an attempt to get with me,
427
00:19:21,865 --> 00:19:25,569
I'd appreciate it if you left
and stopped wasting all of our time.
428
00:19:25,570 --> 00:19:26,964
Everybody ready?
429
00:19:28,382 --> 00:19:29,509
Fine.
430
00:19:30,693 --> 00:19:32,543
And I'm happy to report
431
00:19:32,683 --> 00:19:35,557
that one of the benefits
of being a lying creep
432
00:19:35,726 --> 00:19:38,651
is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.
433
00:19:38,859 --> 00:19:41,945
And I'm happy to share them with anyone
whose time I've wasted more
434
00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:43,801
than they've wasted mine.
435
00:19:43,802 --> 00:19:48,082
Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers,
why the hell did you start this study group?
436
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:50,035
I don't have a study group, Pierce.
I made it up.
437
00:19:50,036 --> 00:19:52,655
- What about the "Look Left" speech?
- Made it up. That's what I do.
438
00:19:52,656 --> 00:19:56,339
I make things up,
and I got paid a lot of money
439
00:19:56,340 --> 00:19:58,555
to do it before I came
to this school-shaped toilet.
440
00:19:58,556 --> 00:19:59,994
I was a lawyer.
441
00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:02,058
- Oh, God.
- That explains everything.
442
00:20:02,998 --> 00:20:06,960
You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of
his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
443
00:20:06,961 --> 00:20:08,026
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
444
00:20:08,027 --> 00:20:09,440
Well, you have Asperger's.
445
00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:12,100
What did he say?
446
00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:14,187
"Ass-burger".
447
00:20:14,188 --> 00:20:16,383
- It's a serious disorder.
- It really is.
448
00:20:16,384 --> 00:20:18,752
If it's so serious,
why don't they call it meningitis?
449
00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,194
- "Ass-burger".
- Burger for your ass.
450
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,612
♪ ♪
451
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,467
Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may
want to think about the gift you've been given.
452
00:20:49,468 --> 00:20:52,282
- An excuse to punch a hippy?
- No. No, not that.
453
00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:55,120
An important lesson,
my friend. You see,
454
00:20:55,474 --> 00:20:59,613
the tools you acquired to survive out there
will not help you here at Greendale.
455
00:20:59,614 --> 00:21:03,248
What you have, my friend,
is a second chance at an honest life.
456
00:21:03,249 --> 00:21:06,040
Why are people trying
to teach me things
457
00:21:06,074 --> 00:21:09,027
At a school that has
an express tuition aisle?
458
00:21:09,324 --> 00:21:12,552
- Give me the keys.
- No, I have to keep your car for--
459
00:21:12,553 --> 00:21:14,304
Don't hit me.
Please, don't hit me.
460
00:21:14,464 --> 00:21:15,902
Jeffrey, Jeffrey!
461
00:21:16,259 --> 00:21:17,709
Are we cool?
462
00:21:18,168 --> 00:21:19,358
Are we cool?
463
00:21:21,203 --> 00:21:22,360
We're cool.
464
00:21:24,352 --> 00:21:25,902
I like you, Jeffrey.
465
00:21:27,893 --> 00:21:30,393
You remind me of myself
at your age.
466
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:32,541
I deserve that.
467
00:21:33,010 --> 00:21:34,227
You know,
468
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,265
I've been divorced
469
00:21:36,836 --> 00:21:38,012
seven times.
470
00:21:39,454 --> 00:21:41,441
Sometimes, I think I'm doing
something wrong.
471
00:21:47,311 --> 00:21:49,311
You keep getting married.
472
00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:51,844
I never looked at it
that way.
473
00:21:55,142 --> 00:21:57,158
Shouldn't you guys
be studying?
474
00:21:57,159 --> 00:21:59,874
Yeah, things got kind
of boring after you left.
475
00:22:00,004 --> 00:22:01,517
Let me ask you something.
476
00:22:01,872 --> 00:22:04,888
People becloud me for wearing this jacket
ever since I got here, but
477
00:22:05,377 --> 00:22:07,091
If I take it off to make them happy,
478
00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:09,170
That just makes me weak, right?
479
00:22:09,326 --> 00:22:10,455
Listen,
480
00:22:10,611 --> 00:22:11,954
it doesn't matter.
481
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,959
You lose the jacket to please them,
you keep it to piss them off,
482
00:22:15,330 --> 00:22:16,480
Either way
483
00:22:16,481 --> 00:22:17,781
It's for them.
484
00:22:18,157 --> 00:22:19,610
That's what's weak..
485
00:22:20,455 --> 00:22:21,631
Wow.
486
00:22:22,995 --> 00:22:24,778
You just wrinkled my brain, man.
487
00:22:24,779 --> 00:22:26,724
- He's good, isn't he?
- He's really good.
488
00:22:26,725 --> 00:22:30,208
Shouldn't you be rolling around
on a bed covered in test answers?
489
00:22:33,664 --> 00:22:35,328
I don't have any
of the answers.
490
00:22:36,057 --> 00:22:37,866
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna flunk the test.
491
00:22:37,867 --> 00:22:40,424
You just, like, study for, like, an hour.
It's not that hard.
492
00:22:40,648 --> 00:22:42,678
You seem pretty smart.
You got a sports coat.
493
00:22:42,679 --> 00:22:43,829
I am me...
494
00:22:44,102 --> 00:22:45,620
Well, the funny thing
about being smart
495
00:22:45,621 --> 00:22:48,571
is that you can get through most of life
without ever having to do any work.
496
00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:50,079
So, uh...
497
00:22:50,887 --> 00:22:52,868
I'm not really sure
how to do that.
498
00:23:05,543 --> 00:23:06,601
What's going on?
499
00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:08,286
Can you guys hear me?
Am I deaf?
500
00:23:08,287 --> 00:23:10,529
- Can you hear me talking right now?
- Yes.
501
00:23:10,530 --> 00:23:11,730
That's good.
502
00:23:13,905 --> 00:23:14,905
You know what?
503
00:23:14,906 --> 00:23:18,266
Jeff, actually, we didn't
get that far without you, so
504
00:23:18,267 --> 00:23:20,471
if you want
to come back upstairs--
505
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:24,672
Really?
506
00:23:25,056 --> 00:23:27,301
Well, it is your
study group, so.
507
00:23:27,391 --> 00:23:28,691
Come on, let's study.
508
00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:29,932
Sounds good.
509
00:23:30,145 --> 00:23:31,445
No pressure.
510
00:23:41,452 --> 00:23:44,439
I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas
and I see your value now.
511
00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:49,899
Well, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
512
00:24:02,009 --> 00:24:07,869
Transcripted on MY-SUBS by honeybunny & VeRdiKT
www.MY-SUBS.com