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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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[BELL RINGING]
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[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
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I cannot afford to lose
momentum on my book,
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and this hunk of junk last
night started doing that...
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that spinning rainbow wheel thing?
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And then I... I tried to fix
it by mashing all the keys,
7
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and it started bonking at
me like, "Bonk, bonk, bonk."
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And then it sounded like my hair
dryer was in there, or something?
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- You have a hair dryer?
- Okay, here we go.
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Yeah, yeah. [STAMMERS]
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Yeah, you have time to dry your hair
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but not put on real pants, right?
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And do you use the hair dryer
to heat up your TV dinners
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and so on, and so forth?
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Get it out now, ladies.
Very funny stuff.
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[WOMEN LAUGHING]
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- We got you.
- Yeah, yeah, you got me.
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All right, so is there,
like, a computer lab?
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I... I gotta get my work done, here.
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Yes, but you'd never catch me
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touching the keyboards in the lab.
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I mean, kids put their
fingers everywhere.
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[LAUGHS] They touch turtles.
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All right, yeah, but I
don't have a choice, okay?
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'Cause the only computer
I can afford right now
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is, like, a used OLPC XO,
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which is a remedial
device used by children
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in third-world countries.
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Good morning, Whitlockians.
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Did you guys get the
memo? [CLEARS THROAT]
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"This year's 'Whitlock's Got Talent'
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is going to be the best ever!"
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- Yes, we hear you!
- Well, let me see that.
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- [STAMMERS]
- What?
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This is a doctor's letter
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saying that you can use
the bathroom on planes
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even when the seatbelt sign is on.
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Oh, Durbs.
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Why would you use this
paper as your fake memo?
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I don't know, all right?
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But I desperately need that back.
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Mm-hmm.
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The one thing I would
like you all to take
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from this interaction
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is that the talent
show is going to be fun.
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I hate the talent show.
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No one signed up for my bell choir.
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Third year in a row.
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Oh, I'll sign up.
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Yeah. Girl, we got you.
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Girl, what if mine were all fast?
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Like, ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding.
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Mm-hmm, and then I'll go like:
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♪ Bong ♪
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- You can't actually do two...
- ♪ Bong ♪
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- At once.
- Ding-ding-ding-ding.
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- [BEAT BOXING]
- LIKE: Bonk. Bonk, bonk.
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- No, no.
- [ALL VOCALIZING]
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- No!
- Guys, guys.
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That's great, but you're
still gonna need some students.
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This is a talent show for students.
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Our sponsor, Greta Donovan
from Donovan Exterminators,
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has upped the prize money
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to $3,000.
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- ALL: Ooh!
- Been a very good year.
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Wait, I'm sorry, $3,000?
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You're just gonna give
a bunch of kids $3,000?
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I mean, that... that's the
price of a first-world computer.
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We make the check out
to their faculty advisor.
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We're not stupid.
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We're gonna win the talent show.
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[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"]
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♪ One, two, three, four! ♪
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♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
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♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
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♪♪
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♪ A.P. Bio 2x11 ♪
Spectacle
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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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- Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah.
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Why would you choose
to do an extracurricular
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when you don't even
do regular curricular?
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Look, guys, the answer is simple, okay?
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I love talent.
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We could use the money
to have a pizza party
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with all kinds of pizzas.
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- Pepperoni pizza...
- Meat lover's pizza.
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- I like Hawaiian pizza.
- What are we doing, guys?
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We're just gonna list all
the pizzas in the world?
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Yeah, sure, we'll have a pizza party.
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But first we gotta
find some talent, okay?
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So let's... let's start over here.
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- Marissa, what do you got?
- I could say the alphabet backwards.
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"Z-Y-X-V..."
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[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]
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- "T"...
- Yeah, that stinks.
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It really does. Who else?
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I can juggle four balls.
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Make that five.
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- I also do magic.
- Mm-hmm.
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You just keep getting worse.
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Come on guys. Who else,
who else, who else?
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Uh, Dan. Dan, what's your talent?
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I mean, I could throw food up
in the air and catch it in my mouth.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
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Let me see that.
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Oh, whoa, that was awesome.
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He caught popcorn in his mouth.
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All right, well, Dan
Decker's on the lead.
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Who else? Who else, guys?
Over... anybody over here?
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You got something, Vic?
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You lost your nerve, there, bud?
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All right, well come on.
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There's gotta be somebody
with some talent, yeah?
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- Caleb, what you got cooking?
- Nothing.
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Hey, no secrets from papa.
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It's just a dumb play.
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Papa.
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A play?
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Hmm.
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"A pregnant prostitute
crosses the stage barefoot.
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♪♪
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"She stops and pulls a sticker
from a banana off her foot."
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Fascinating.
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[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
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♪♪
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Ralph, bad news.
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Mr. Porter's sick, so
he's not gonna be able
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to emcee the talent show this year.
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Plus, his drama class is unsupervised,
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and they might be having an orgy.
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Okay, our kids would never
do something that awful.
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Tread lightly, Ralph.
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I'm an orgy baby.
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My mom was an orgy baby, her mom was...
135
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Helen, Helen, Helen. [STAMMERS]
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We need to figure out who's gonna host.
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Who are we gonna find
to replace Mr. Porter?
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Who's got the... the
pizzazz, the singing chops,
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the rhythm to... to do what he does?
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There's no one.
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[TAPPING JAUNTY RHYTHM]
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[GASPS] Ralph, you've got the rhythm!
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♪ And I can sing ♪ [SCATTING]
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♪ And we can both ♪
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♪ Kind of act ♪
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♪ Plus I can sing ♪
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♪♪
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We're a triple threat.
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Helen, will you host
"Whitlock's Got Talent" with me?
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Ralph, I would be honored.
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[CHEERFUL MUSIC]
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♪♪
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Welcome to your first handbell lesson.
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I'm Michelle, your director.
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- [LAUGHS]
- Ooh, "director."
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I know, look at Michelle
getting all serious.
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- Right.
- BOTH: "I'm the director."
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[FAKE LAUGH]
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Well, handbells are serious instruments.
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They are not toys.
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These are each individually cast,
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they can never touch one another,
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and one must always wear gloves
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when handling the bells.
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Ahem.
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You are about to go on a wild journey.
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There will be high highs...
168
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[HIGH TONE]
169
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♪♪
170
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[WHISPERING] And crushing lows.
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[DEEP NOTE]
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♪♪
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Don't be scared.
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I want that big daddy right there.
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Ah-ah, no, no, no.
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I am the only non-Soviet
female who can play that one.
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[CLEARS THROAT] Bells up!
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[ROUSING PERCUSSION MUSIC]
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♪♪
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This is it.
181
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This is amazing.
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It's... it's raw, it's super weird...
183
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[LAUGHS] It's got grit.
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I bet you the judges have
never seen anything like this.
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Caleb, I was blown away when...
when the pregnant prostitute
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showed up at the truck stop
187
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with a brick of coke and a pound cake.
188
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- Really?
- Yeah, man.
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You gotta own your talent.
I mean, really, you're...
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you're competing against garbage.
191
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I mean, people are juggling,
and some are doing magic.
192
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- Those are both mine.
- Yeah.
193
00:06:38,126 --> 00:06:39,487
Why don't you pick on Dan?
194
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All he did was eat popcorn.
195
00:06:41,577 --> 00:06:43,397
Okay, Marcus, I can
catch harder stuff, too.
196
00:06:43,422 --> 00:06:44,552
I catch ham.
197
00:06:44,577 --> 00:06:46,847
And I'm not talking
about the deli slices.
198
00:06:47,186 --> 00:06:49,619
I'm talking about the thick Easter cuts.
199
00:06:49,644 --> 00:06:51,074
That is cool... [SIGHS]
200
00:06:51,099 --> 00:06:54,059
But with my help, this
play is gonna be next level.
201
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Round of applause for Caleb, everybody.
202
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He's our $3,000 baby.
203
00:06:57,994 --> 00:07:00,954
[APPLAUSE]
204
00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:03,419
♪♪
205
00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:07,328
You neutered me.
206
00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:10,043
You literally took them off me.
207
00:07:10,068 --> 00:07:11,998
I had to get information out of you
208
00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:14,494
for my job as mob boss.
209
00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:16,393
But you were my best friend,
210
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:18,994
and you cut my [BLEEP] [BLEEP] off.
211
00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:20,483
Go home to your family.
212
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,698
You're drunk.
213
00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:23,053
It's Christmas.
214
00:07:23,262 --> 00:07:25,482
[GROANS] That's great.
215
00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:27,115
That's great. All right, again, again.
216
00:07:27,258 --> 00:07:28,998
Look at my mangled face.
217
00:07:29,225 --> 00:07:31,908
You can't command me around
just 'cause you're my husband.
218
00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:33,308
Then I command you
219
00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:36,753
as Chief of Police of Paris.
220
00:07:37,034 --> 00:07:39,274
Look at my mangled face.
221
00:07:39,941 --> 00:07:42,228
[WAILS]
222
00:07:42,347 --> 00:07:43,917
The whole thing takes place in Paris.
223
00:07:43,942 --> 00:07:45,301
I didn't realize that until just now.
224
00:07:45,325 --> 00:07:46,733
- That really elevates it.
- Right?
225
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,628
You gave my sister an STD.
226
00:07:48,793 --> 00:07:49,863
Good-bye.
227
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,748
Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
228
00:07:54,862 --> 00:07:56,512
You're the prostitute that stabbed me.
229
00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:58,607
I'm pregnant.
230
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,456
The doctor said it's your baby.
231
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,116
He had your sperm on file.
232
00:08:02,141 --> 00:08:03,661
I mean, I'd help raise it, but...
233
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,858
- I'm dead.
- [SIGHS]
234
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Wow.
235
00:08:09,468 --> 00:08:11,493
That's great, guys.
That is really great.
236
00:08:11,518 --> 00:08:13,064
We'll maybe tweak the
ending a little bit, though.
237
00:08:13,088 --> 00:08:14,157
Yeah, I felt that, too.
238
00:08:14,182 --> 00:08:15,260
All right, let's keep this going.
239
00:08:15,284 --> 00:08:16,681
I think we're gonna get that pizza!
240
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:17,829
Pepperoni.
241
00:08:17,854 --> 00:08:18,934
Yeah, we'll get a bunch of them.
242
00:08:18,958 --> 00:08:20,176
- You don't have to...
- Mushroom.
243
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,394
Grace.
244
00:08:22,398 --> 00:08:25,578
[ALL PLAYING STEVE WINWOOD'S "VALERIE"]
245
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♪♪
246
00:08:36,146 --> 00:08:37,808
- Bells down.
- Whoo!
247
00:08:37,848 --> 00:08:39,588
[LAUGHS]
248
00:08:39,628 --> 00:08:41,028
[SIGHS]
249
00:08:41,185 --> 00:08:42,849
Wow, that was rough.
250
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,793
Uh, well, it could probably
use a little pizzazz.
251
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:48,978
Yes, I was thinking that.
252
00:08:49,003 --> 00:08:50,884
Maybe we take one glove off
and we just hit 'em with a...
253
00:08:50,908 --> 00:08:52,429
- ♪ Hee-hee ♪
- Ooh, yes!
254
00:08:52,454 --> 00:08:54,511
And then maybe combine the
two so it's like a little...
255
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,845
♪ Shamone ♪
256
00:08:55,923 --> 00:08:57,843
- ♪ Hee-hee ♪
- Come on, combo.
257
00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:00,918
[BOTH VOCALIZING]
258
00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:02,918
- ♪ Ah ♪
- [HISSING BETWEEN TEETH]
259
00:09:03,254 --> 00:09:04,378
Shut up!
260
00:09:05,314 --> 00:09:07,456
At this point, I don't think
anyone's even gonna know
261
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,153
we're playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie."
262
00:09:09,692 --> 00:09:11,838
The greatest fear of
every handbell ringer
263
00:09:11,863 --> 00:09:14,793
is that the audience won't be
able to tell what song it is.
264
00:09:15,106 --> 00:09:18,434
It happens in over 70% of
all handbell performances.
265
00:09:18,707 --> 00:09:20,108
Look, I love you guys,
266
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:22,386
You both seem very nice as people,
267
00:09:22,411 --> 00:09:24,273
and, like, you're
trying to improve, but...
268
00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:25,958
[LAUGHS] As handbell players,
269
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,023
you're nothing.
270
00:09:27,247 --> 00:09:29,598
You're fired. Return your gloves.
271
00:09:29,797 --> 00:09:31,093
But, Michelle,
272
00:09:31,305 --> 00:09:33,748
I have a milk delivery I
need to make in the 1950s.
273
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:36,598
And I had a date with
a California raisin.
274
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,730
- [QUIETLY] All right.
- [RINGS BELL AGGRESSIVELY]
275
00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:42,508
[FUNKY PERCUSSION MUSIC]
276
00:09:42,533 --> 00:09:43,803
♪♪
277
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:45,178
I got it.
278
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,316
What if our act is something
like the show "Jackass"?
279
00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:50,066
Here, put this pudding cup on the floor.
280
00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:51,153
I'm gonna dive into it.
281
00:09:51,178 --> 00:09:53,730
Helen, Helen, get...
no, get down, all right?
282
00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:56,889
If we're gonna impress Greta,
we need something magical.
283
00:09:56,914 --> 00:09:58,603
Something... something transcendent.
284
00:09:58,914 --> 00:10:01,375
A... a surefire hit for the ages.
285
00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,058
- "Jackass"!
- Billy Crystal Oscar medley.
286
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,141
- That's a good idea, too.
- All right.
287
00:10:08,548 --> 00:10:09,598
Hey.
288
00:10:09,623 --> 00:10:12,353
Just gonna sign my kids
up for that talent show.
289
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,403
Now, is that $3,000 gonna come in cash?
290
00:10:15,428 --> 00:10:17,353
I also accept Apple gift cards.
291
00:10:17,589 --> 00:10:19,044
For the kids, obviously.
292
00:10:19,069 --> 00:10:21,338
Oh, I like your confidence. It's foxy.
293
00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:22,934
Yeah, well, I think
the judges are gonna be
294
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,577
pretty blown away by the edgy
theater piece we're doing.
295
00:10:25,602 --> 00:10:27,868
Uh, there aren't any judges. [LAUGHS]
296
00:10:28,391 --> 00:10:29,851
We have an applause-o-meter.
297
00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:31,672
It gauges the audience reaction.
298
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,579
Usually crowd-pleasing spectacles
are the ones that win.
299
00:10:34,604 --> 00:10:37,318
Last year's winner set off
fireworks while she sang
300
00:10:37,343 --> 00:10:39,282
and armpit-farted the national anthem.
301
00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:40,634
All four verses...
302
00:10:40,659 --> 00:10:42,399
including the original racist one.
303
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,806
Wait a second, so we're
not gonna be judged
304
00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:47,024
by a panel of experts who
appreciate nuance and originality?
305
00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:48,159
We're just judged by...
306
00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,548
- noise?
- [WHISPERS] Yeah.
307
00:10:50,588 --> 00:10:53,768
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [LAUGHING]
308
00:10:53,808 --> 00:10:57,028
♪♪
309
00:10:57,276 --> 00:10:58,486
Thank you for the sex.
310
00:10:58,511 --> 00:10:59,551
It felt normal.
311
00:11:00,332 --> 00:11:02,858
Just leave the money on
the table and get out.
312
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,624
I'm going into labor.
313
00:11:05,315 --> 00:11:07,929
Uh, oh, gosh. Here we go.
314
00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:11,326
I was born into fire.
315
00:11:11,351 --> 00:11:12,478
Wow... [SIGHS]
316
00:11:12,528 --> 00:11:15,878
Hate to cut that off,
guys, but change of plans.
317
00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:17,437
The play is dead.
318
00:11:17,462 --> 00:11:18,728
Yeah, we gotta think of something else.
319
00:11:18,752 --> 00:11:19,813
No one was gonna like it.
320
00:11:19,838 --> 00:11:20,908
It was never gonna win us that money.
321
00:11:20,932 --> 00:11:23,228
Now, who can make a
melody with their armpit?
322
00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:24,878
But you said my play was good.
323
00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,480
My... my parents are coming.
324
00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:28,135
This is the first thing
I've invited them to.
325
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:29,893
Well, they should still come,
'cause we need clappers.
326
00:11:29,917 --> 00:11:31,434
Now, are they the hooting
and hollering type?
327
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,508
'Cause that'd be great.
328
00:11:34,158 --> 00:11:35,548
- Was that a yes?
- Yeah.
329
00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,638
We'll think of something.
330
00:11:39,038 --> 00:11:40,390
All right, guys, we
don't have a lot of time,
331
00:11:40,414 --> 00:11:42,091
but we need to put
on the most pandering,
332
00:11:42,116 --> 00:11:44,280
mass-appealing show ever known to man.
333
00:11:44,305 --> 00:11:46,122
So what do your dumb classmates like?
334
00:11:46,147 --> 00:11:47,367
- Go.
- Candy.
335
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:48,967
- Cheese Whiz.
- The beach.
336
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:51,367
Walks on the beach. Drinks on the beach.
337
00:11:51,392 --> 00:11:52,783
According to a YouTube search,
338
00:11:52,808 --> 00:11:56,042
the most watched videos are
of electronic dance music
339
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,014
Bollywood, unboxing,
340
00:11:58,039 --> 00:12:00,832
ASMR, juggling...
341
00:12:00,857 --> 00:12:03,817
- [ROUSING MUSIC]
- _
342
00:12:03,842 --> 00:12:06,972
♪♪
343
00:12:06,997 --> 00:12:09,682
So, what are we doing?
344
00:12:10,159 --> 00:12:12,003
- Whew.
- _
345
00:12:13,704 --> 00:12:14,734
All of it.
346
00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:16,396
_
347
00:12:16,397 --> 00:12:18,047
♪♪
348
00:12:18,087 --> 00:12:20,747
[DEVIOUS CHUCKLE]
349
00:12:21,142 --> 00:12:22,722
Principle Durbin, wake up!
350
00:12:22,747 --> 00:12:24,577
You're gonna miss
"Whitlock's Got Talent"!
351
00:12:24,617 --> 00:12:26,447
[LAUGHING] No, I won't!
352
00:12:26,487 --> 00:12:27,667
Because...
353
00:12:27,707 --> 00:12:31,977
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
354
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:34,757
[GLAMOROUS MUSIC]
355
00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:37,107
BOTH: ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
356
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,076
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
357
00:12:39,101 --> 00:12:41,287
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
358
00:12:41,312 --> 00:12:43,182
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
359
00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:45,697
Welcome to "Whitlock's Got Talent."
360
00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:47,736
- And, oh, who do we have here?
- Uh-oh.
361
00:12:47,761 --> 00:12:50,117
- It's Coach!
- I had to be here.
362
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,239
I'm making sure the gym
floor doesn't get scuffed.
363
00:12:52,264 --> 00:12:53,607
- [CHUCKLING]
- That is so Coach!
364
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,294
He shows up to the talent show,
365
00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:57,421
but he can't get his players
to show up to the game.
366
00:12:57,446 --> 00:12:59,276
[LAUGHTER]
367
00:12:59,486 --> 00:13:01,362
Oh, and who else do we have here today?
368
00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:04,827
It's Greta Donovan from
Donovan Exterminators,
369
00:13:05,007 --> 00:13:09,097
where Whitlock high goes
for all of its pest control needs.
370
00:13:10,058 --> 00:13:11,812
And thanks to this lovely lady,
371
00:13:11,837 --> 00:13:14,627
we know that the beetles won't
be performing here tonight.
372
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:15,887
[AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS]
373
00:13:15,927 --> 00:13:17,797
BOTH: ♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
374
00:13:18,092 --> 00:13:19,717
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
375
00:13:19,742 --> 00:13:21,652
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
376
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:23,668
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
377
00:13:23,693 --> 00:13:26,467
[SCATTING]
378
00:13:26,507 --> 00:13:29,865
♪♪
379
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,856
[SCATTING] Boom!
380
00:13:31,881 --> 00:13:34,947
[INCREASINGLY BIZARRE SCATTING]
381
00:13:34,972 --> 00:13:37,532
♪♪
382
00:13:37,996 --> 00:13:40,474
[TRILLING] ♪ Ree ♪
383
00:13:40,499 --> 00:13:41,979
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
384
00:13:42,004 --> 00:13:44,744
Your next contestant is Mrs.
Jones and her companions.
385
00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:50,835
Bells up.
386
00:13:52,537 --> 00:13:53,667
Oh, my God.
387
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:56,537
She replaced us with herself.
388
00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:57,787
She did not.
389
00:13:57,812 --> 00:14:00,927
[PLAYING STEVE WINWOOD'S "VALERIE"]
390
00:14:00,977 --> 00:14:03,027
♪♪
391
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,337
BOTH: Oh...
392
00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:12,597
But this is very good.
393
00:14:12,637 --> 00:14:14,857
I mean, she is excellent.
394
00:14:14,907 --> 00:14:16,207
♪♪
395
00:14:16,247 --> 00:14:19,127
- [GASPS]
- [EXCLAIMS]
396
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:22,347
Okay, guys, we are up next
and we need to win, all right?
397
00:14:22,372 --> 00:14:24,682
This is gonna be the greatest
night of all your lives.
398
00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:26,267
- [EXCITED CHATTER]
- Here we go.
399
00:14:27,437 --> 00:14:31,397
♪♪
400
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,137
Oh, my God, she's going for the big boy.
401
00:14:34,187 --> 00:14:35,397
♪♪
402
00:14:35,422 --> 00:14:37,292
Let's bring it in, guys. Okay, ready?
403
00:14:37,317 --> 00:14:38,847
One, two, three...
404
00:14:38,872 --> 00:14:40,392
[ALL CALLING PIZZA TOPPINGS]
405
00:14:40,417 --> 00:14:42,547
Oh, still talking about pizza, huh?
406
00:14:42,667 --> 00:14:44,757
[APPLAUSE]
407
00:14:44,797 --> 00:14:48,300
- Thank you so much, Mrs. Jones.
- Amazing.
408
00:14:48,325 --> 00:14:51,790
And now, back to the
student, uh, talent show.
409
00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:55,377
Up next is Mr. Griffin's A.P. Bio class.
410
00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:57,563
Did you know that Mr. Griffin
411
00:14:57,588 --> 00:14:59,541
used to teach at Harvard?
412
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,597
Really?
413
00:15:00,647 --> 00:15:02,197
I've never heard him mention it!
414
00:15:02,959 --> 00:15:04,529
[LAUGHTER]
415
00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:06,034
You guys ready? Let's do it.
416
00:15:07,081 --> 00:15:12,347
Please welcome the EDM Candy Dance
Spectacular Samurai Explosion.
417
00:15:12,372 --> 00:15:16,022
[HEAVY ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC
PLAYING THROUGH SPEAKERS]
418
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:18,007
Grace, now.
419
00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:22,537
♪♪
420
00:15:22,782 --> 00:15:23,837
♪ Kick it ♪
421
00:15:24,577 --> 00:15:29,277
♪♪
422
00:15:29,327 --> 00:15:32,027
[CHEERING]
423
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,117
♪♪
424
00:15:47,037 --> 00:15:48,907
Go! Go harder! Do more stuff!
425
00:15:48,957 --> 00:15:51,217
♪♪
426
00:15:51,257 --> 00:15:54,073
[CHEERING]
427
00:15:54,098 --> 00:15:55,162
♪♪
428
00:15:55,284 --> 00:15:56,807
Ah, he's gonna ruin it.
429
00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:01,487
♪♪
430
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,227
Eduardo, Marissa, Sarika, go!
431
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:07,147
♪♪
432
00:16:07,187 --> 00:16:10,147
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
433
00:16:10,187 --> 00:16:12,327
♪♪
434
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,157
Caleb! Smile, man!
435
00:16:18,197 --> 00:16:19,327
Sell it!
436
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:23,207
♪♪
437
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:24,377
[SIGHS] All right.
438
00:16:24,427 --> 00:16:25,727
[AUDIENCE MUTTERING]
439
00:16:25,905 --> 00:16:27,115
Pour candy corn in the fan.
440
00:16:27,140 --> 00:16:28,514
You're going a little too far.
441
00:16:28,539 --> 00:16:30,139
No, trust me, man.
They're gonna love it.
442
00:16:31,037 --> 00:16:33,087
♪♪
443
00:16:41,657 --> 00:16:42,877
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]
444
00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:44,617
Get outta here. Knock it off.
445
00:16:44,657 --> 00:16:46,487
♪♪
446
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:47,537
[AUDIENCE COUGHING]
447
00:16:47,562 --> 00:16:48,822
What are we looking at?
448
00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:50,632
You just have to pick
one and watch them.
449
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:51,773
Otherwise, you'll get a headache.
450
00:16:51,797 --> 00:16:54,977
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
451
00:16:55,017 --> 00:16:57,067
♪♪
452
00:16:57,107 --> 00:16:59,367
[MUSIC STOPS]
453
00:16:59,417 --> 00:17:02,457
[AUDIENCE COUGHING, BOOING]
454
00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,297
They didn't like it.
They didn't like it.
455
00:17:09,337 --> 00:17:12,297
[TENSE MUSIC]
456
00:17:12,337 --> 00:17:15,167
♪♪
457
00:17:16,671 --> 00:17:18,681
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
458
00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,256
prepare to be amazed.
459
00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:24,252
- For this next trick...
- I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.
460
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,287
I know you really wanted that pizza.
461
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,312
It's hard when you have
your heart set on something
462
00:17:29,337 --> 00:17:30,832
- you really, really want...
- Okay.
463
00:17:30,857 --> 00:17:32,976
And then it gets taken away from you.
464
00:17:33,295 --> 00:17:35,741
I, too, wanted that pizza.
465
00:17:35,766 --> 00:17:37,133
Okay, all right, Victor. I hear you.
466
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,507
- Yeah, thank you.
- Cut him in half.
467
00:17:39,532 --> 00:17:42,582
[DISTANT APPLAUSE]
468
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,521
Hey, listen, why don't
you two go take your seats?
469
00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:48,953
You're not gonna want
to miss this, okay?
470
00:17:48,977 --> 00:17:50,847
It was nice knowing you.
471
00:17:51,224 --> 00:17:52,304
Ha-oh!
472
00:17:52,658 --> 00:17:54,358
- [GROANS]
- Wow, that's great.
473
00:17:54,383 --> 00:17:56,768
Yeah, I... can I just... ?
Sorry about that.
474
00:17:56,793 --> 00:17:58,223
Uh, hi, everybody.
475
00:17:58,248 --> 00:18:00,402
Um, I just wanted to let you all know,
476
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,177
there will be one more
entry in tonight's contest:
477
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,942
Caleb Baker's dramatic, seven-act play.
478
00:18:05,967 --> 00:18:08,717
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
479
00:18:08,742 --> 00:18:09,982
Don't know how they did that.
480
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:12,884
Caleb, it's go time.
481
00:18:12,909 --> 00:18:14,066
I don't want to do my play, I...
482
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,260
Caleb, come here.
483
00:18:16,683 --> 00:18:17,723
[SIGHS] Listen, man.
484
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:19,001
I was wrong, okay? [STAMMERS]
485
00:18:19,026 --> 00:18:20,106
I backed the wrong horse.
486
00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:21,238
I should have gone
with my first instinct
487
00:18:21,262 --> 00:18:22,262
and done your play.
488
00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:23,304
You said no one was gonna like it.
489
00:18:23,328 --> 00:18:24,368
Well, they probably won't.
490
00:18:25,449 --> 00:18:27,866
'Cause it's good, like my books.
491
00:18:27,952 --> 00:18:29,132
You know who likes my books?
492
00:18:30,061 --> 00:18:31,101
I do.
493
00:18:32,129 --> 00:18:33,239
Do you like your play?
494
00:18:34,269 --> 00:18:35,349
Yeah.
495
00:18:36,665 --> 00:18:38,680
- I like it.
- I like it.
496
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,360
Me, too. That's four.
497
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:42,475
That's already more
than Mr. Griffin's books.
498
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,677
All right, take it easy, man.
499
00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:44,717
Let's do this.
500
00:18:44,742 --> 00:18:46,022
I've got an idea for the ending.
501
00:18:46,805 --> 00:18:48,505
[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]
502
00:18:48,555 --> 00:18:51,165
[SWEET MUSIC]
503
00:18:51,205 --> 00:18:53,425
[SIGHS]
504
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:58,215
♪♪
505
00:18:58,255 --> 00:19:00,037
Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
506
00:19:00,992 --> 00:19:02,642
You're the prostitute that stabbed me.
507
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:03,996
I'm pregnant,
508
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,540
and the doctor said it's your baby.
509
00:19:06,565 --> 00:19:07,745
I told you.
510
00:19:08,048 --> 00:19:09,548
I mean, I'd help you raise it, but...
511
00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:13,112
- I'm dead.
- Mm.
512
00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:14,974
I've been meaning to tell you...
513
00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:17,405
I'm dead, too.
514
00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:19,379
I told you.
515
00:19:19,404 --> 00:19:20,714
I know you did.
516
00:19:20,739 --> 00:19:22,149
Now, take me to heaven
517
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,195
before we both get dragged to hell.
518
00:19:27,588 --> 00:19:29,068
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
519
00:19:29,093 --> 00:19:30,115
Oh, boy.
520
00:19:30,155 --> 00:19:31,743
Okay. [LAUGHS]
521
00:19:31,768 --> 00:19:33,818
That's the table from shop class.
522
00:19:33,843 --> 00:19:36,295
Let's hear it for Caleb's play.
523
00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:38,012
- Yes.
- Whoo!
524
00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:41,022
That was, uh, very inappropriate,
525
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,587
but I think we have a winner!
526
00:19:42,612 --> 00:19:45,742
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
527
00:19:46,525 --> 00:19:48,705
♪♪
528
00:19:52,745 --> 00:19:54,395
[BELL RINGING]
529
00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:55,680
♪♪
530
00:19:55,705 --> 00:19:56,975
All right. [SIGHS]
531
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,018
Whoa, $3,000 worth of pizza?
532
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,036
Grace, no what are you...
what are you talking about?
533
00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,280
I bought this pizza.
534
00:20:03,305 --> 00:20:05,307
You bought us pizza with your own money?
535
00:20:05,792 --> 00:20:06,922
But you're poor.
536
00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:09,170
They're beautiful,
537
00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:11,685
but we can't possibly accept them.
538
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,195
It's not like I can take it back.
539
00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:15,465
Plus, you guys deserve it, okay?
540
00:20:15,490 --> 00:20:18,555
You... you won first place, all right?
541
00:20:18,595 --> 00:20:21,125
Although the old lady,
she did rescind the money
542
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,832
because of you guys' dirty ghost sex.
543
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,097
Thank you for liking
my play, Mr. Griffin.
544
00:20:26,122 --> 00:20:27,255
Everyone did.
545
00:20:27,418 --> 00:20:29,150
Yeah, I guess it was artful.
546
00:20:29,175 --> 00:20:30,275
And the masses liked it.
547
00:20:31,150 --> 00:20:32,561
I hope you know what
that's like someday.
548
00:20:32,585 --> 00:20:34,681
All right, well, bring it
down a notch, there, bud, okay?
549
00:20:34,705 --> 00:20:37,095
Dan Decker could read one of
my philosophy papers out loud
550
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:38,464
and the masses would like it, too, okay?
551
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,355
That's... that's just Dan Decker.
552
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:41,810
He is the coolest.
553
00:20:41,835 --> 00:20:44,575
[ALL LAUGHING]
554
00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:47,470
All right, so just read
my book into the mic.
555
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,040
"The pursuit of happiness
can be broken down
556
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:51,825
into four basic categories:
557
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,550
One, work a job where you can see
558
00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:56,876
the physical results of your
labor at the end of the day.
559
00:20:57,696 --> 00:21:01,245
Two, create mundane celebrations
560
00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:03,127
to distract from impending death.
561
00:21:04,649 --> 00:21:08,092
Three, ingest sugary, fatty,
562
00:21:08,125 --> 00:21:11,385
or salty foods that release endorphins."
563
00:21:11,435 --> 00:21:14,655
[ROUSING COUNTRY MUSIC]