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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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FXX presents Archer 1999.
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10x01 - Bort The Garj
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Altair Beta?
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Why'd you wake me up
way the hell out here?
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We picked up a distress beacon.
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Not surprising. Altair Beta's
not the best neighborhood.
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Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.
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Yeah, speaking of...
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looks like pirates hit
that transport pretty hard.
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Well, what say we go
pick the bones?
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I'd say, uh,
unfortunate choice of words.
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Figuratively.
Hopefully.
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Well, I'm in, but you know
what she's gonna say.
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Why, does she talk in her sleep?
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What? Mother, come on.
We can't not...
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I mean, Lana's the co-captain, so...
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- So?
- Huh.
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W-Well, should we
wake up anybody?
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Why would we?
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Good point.
Let's go check it out.
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W-Wait, Mother. Hang on.
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Oh, for the...
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You are disgusting.
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Me?
He's the one wallowing in...
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Oh, freeze-dried shepherd's pie.
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Ugh!
And banana pudding.
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So, on the off chance
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the pirates left
anything worth taking...
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There's no sense cutting the
rest of those idiots in on the deal.
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Yeah, they'll just... Wait,
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what do you mean,
"the rest of those idiots?"
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- Hmm?
- Are you implying I'm an idiot?
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- No, I...
- Yes, you were.
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I wasn't implying anything.
You...
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Proximity alert.
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Proximity alert.
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Proximity alert.
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- What the hell?
- Proximity alert.
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- Idiot.
- Aha! See?
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- You were implying it.
- I'm saying it!
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Now can you please just
dock the damn thing?
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- Yes.
- Nope!
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- Here we go.
- Oh, goody.
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And just what in my own
personal hell
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- do you two think you're doing?
- Well...
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And don't insult my
intelligence by lying to me.
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Okay, then...
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Never mind.
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ MY-SUBS.com ~
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Damn it, Krieger,
why'd you have to wake her up?
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You big-mouth... fish.
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Don't call me fish!
And I didn't write my code,
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- so don't yell at me.
- I'll do the yelling.
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Great, that way we know
you're getting enough oxygen.
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Now, somebody explain to me why you're
docking the ship without permission.
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- Permission?
- Look, we picked up a distress beacon,
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and we thought, you know,
that we'd...
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Leave us all in stasis while
you sneak in there to loot
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whatever the pirates might've
left behind in there, which...
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spoiler alert... is jack-shit
unless you're counting
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the ionic charges
they left as booby-traps!
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Well, you've clearly already
made up your mind, so...
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Somebody tell me this is a joke.
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Oh, what, you being first mate?
Sadly, no. Not a joke.
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No, this! Which better not
be what it looks like!
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That's better than
what it smells like.
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- Huh?
- Which is a giant bag of assholes.
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- What?
- Cyril, you reek.
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No, I...
Is that shepherd's pie?
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And banana pudding.
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Damn it, Archer.
Did you fart in my stasis pod again?
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- Why, I oughta...
- You oughta wash off that 'nana puddin'.
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- Stop touching me! You stink!
- Will you two knock it off?
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- Yes.
- Ow!
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Why do we even
serve shepherd's pie?
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And, follow-up, why do we have the
world's loneliest courtesan on board?
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Seriously, though,
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this whole place smells
like a fart shit its pants.
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Did somebody say pants?
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'Cause I'm not wearing any.
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Because welcome
to the freak show.
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What?
Said the bug zapper.
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- Yeah, and speaking of.
- What?
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We had a deal.
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Yeah, come on, Mom.
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Oh, all right.
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- Happy?
- No, actually.
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Because you two were about to
violate quarantine protocols,
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possibly exposing my ship
to dangerous...
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- It's not your ship!
- Half of it is.
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Because I had
a shitty divorce lawyer.
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- Whose fault is that?
- You're the one who wanted a divorce!
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When what I should've done
is just wait for you
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to get murdered by one of the
enemies you either owe money,
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cheated, cuckolded,
straight-up stole from,
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or some combination thereof.
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Your point being?
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Her point, Captain Doctor
Science, is you can't expose
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just half the ship to
potentially deadly microorganisms.
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Aha!
Potentially deadly.
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I'm not having this argument again.
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- Apparently you are.
- No, I'm not.
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Aborting docking sequence.
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Yes, you a...
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- Damn it, Lana!
- Aborting docking seq...
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- Krieger!
- Guys, come on.
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We've been over and over
and over this.
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- The Laws of Robotics...
- Is made-up shit from a comic book.
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- Sorry.
- Don't be. It had to be said.
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What the shit?
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Oh, my God.
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- What is that?
- Oh, my God,
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- what the hell...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody, shh.
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- Aah! - Kill it!
- Boy!
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Whew.
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Are...
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- Happy?
- I'm... happy you're not.
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What the hell was that thing?
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I think the more pressing
question is...
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No, Krieger, for the millionth time,
you'll never be a real boy.
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- I was going to say...
- I think it's more tragic than anything.
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You're one to talk.
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- I was going to say...
- Ooh! When will you be a real boy?
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What the hell
was it running from?
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Um...
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Son of a...
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Dri'n dak!
Dak txakurrak!
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Oh, yeah?
You want some of this?
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Ow!
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I think they might, actually.
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- Dri'n bastards. Krieger, blast door.
- Yep, yep, yep.
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- That oughta hold 'em. Okay...
- Hang on.
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Shut up.
Krieger, undock us.
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Cyril, Pam, Carol, grab a weapon,
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split up, and find that xenomorph.
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For all we know he's a Trojan horse.
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- He was pretty rubbery.
- So stupid.
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Right?
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And if you can temporarily
de-ass your head,
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- want to get us out to here?
- Why? We can take these assholes.
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- Hull damage.
- You were saying?
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Hull damage.
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Hull damage.
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- Hull damage.
- I heard you!
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- Okay, Krieger, we clear?
- Yep, yep, yep!
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Okay then.
Everybody brace for initial thrust.
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In three...
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- Whoa!
- God...
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- Damn...
- Son of a...
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- Bitch!
- Ow!
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"Woooooo!!"
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
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no, no!
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Can't have anything nice.
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Never gets old, does it?!
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Nope.
Unlike some people.
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- Excuse me?!
- Lana, handle your business.
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There's a giant squeezy toy
on the loose.
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- I'll squeeze your... Damn it!
- Got nothing.
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Okay, keep your crazy eyes peeled.
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And watch your muzzle, will ya? I'm
not trying to get blasted in the face.
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- Well, I'm not trying to get slimed.
- What?
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It's not a ghost, dumbass.
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- How do you know?
- Because nothing's a ghost.
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Shh.
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You open it on three.
Ready?
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One...
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Oh, for... You pussy.
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You're supposed to be looking
for the damn xenomorph.
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I'm checking all the storage lockers.
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This one's clear.
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On me.
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- Freeze!
- Don't shoot, don't shoot!
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- Let me see those hands!
- I... I don't have any.
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- Duh-hoy.
- Shut up.
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Okay, so who or what are you?
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I... W... I'm Bort.
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Bort the Garj?
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- Of the House of Garj?
- Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,
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just, what do you think you're doing?
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Eating off-brand cereal?
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No, the passengers
were from all over.
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I was the only Garj, and so I
was able to hide in the walls
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when they attacked the transport.
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00:10:44,839 --> 00:10:46,972
And after they killed
all the crew, they just...
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- took everybody.
- To sell into the spek mines, no doubt.
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00:10:50,541 --> 00:10:52,717
So how do you know English?
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- Is... that relevant?
- Yeah, Lana.
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I mean, why does anybody know it?
190
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I mean she does.
She's obviously not human.
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00:10:59,332 --> 00:11:02,030
- But not so obviously a she.
- Hey!
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00:11:02,074 --> 00:11:05,208
- We were all thinking it.
- 'Cause you're all a bunch of xenophobes.
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00:11:05,251 --> 00:11:07,819
Are you...
You're as bad as she is.
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00:11:07,862 --> 00:11:10,213
- Always calling me fish or...
- That doesn't count.
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00:11:10,256 --> 00:11:13,346
- You're a robot.
- Synthetic human.
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00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,042
Potato, pobobot, am I right?
197
00:11:15,043 --> 00:11:17,785
Anyway, the important thing is
I'm okay.
198
00:11:17,829 --> 00:11:19,221
- Is that so?
- Well, yeah.
199
00:11:19,222 --> 00:11:22,349
I mean, I'm heir to the throne
of the House of Garj, so...
200
00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:25,488
And that's actually
a pretty huge deal.
201
00:11:25,489 --> 00:11:27,578
- Well, li-like, how huge?
- Well...
202
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:30,688
- I-If you had to express it monetarily.
- Wh...
203
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,452
- Oh, no.
- Lana, shut up.
204
00:11:32,496 --> 00:11:34,105
- Archer, shut up.
- No!
205
00:11:34,106 --> 00:11:37,001
- We are not going off on some...
- Wild goose chase! Who's in?
206
00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:38,154
- I'm so in!
- Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
207
00:11:38,189 --> 00:11:39,718
- Ooh, me!
- No. Now, wait a minute.
208
00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:42,027
Lana, democracy has spoken.
209
00:11:42,070 --> 00:11:46,509
- So, if we take you home to Garj...
- Well, to Garjek, our moon,
210
00:11:46,510 --> 00:11:49,295
then my parents
will reward you handsomely.
211
00:11:49,339 --> 00:11:51,471
I'm already handsome.
How much?
212
00:11:51,515 --> 00:11:53,473
I mean...
easily a million credits.
213
00:11:53,517 --> 00:11:56,476
In this economy?
214
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,478
And like I said,
I'm a pretty huge deal.
215
00:11:58,522 --> 00:12:02,830
Yes, yes, you definitely are.
So, can somebody here please
216
00:12:02,874 --> 00:12:05,485
get His Highness
some more cereal right now?
217
00:12:05,529 --> 00:12:07,229
Yeah, or maybe just better cereal?
218
00:12:07,270 --> 00:12:10,446
- Well, I don't know about all that.
- Just a thought.
219
00:12:10,447 --> 00:12:13,526
Can I talk to you... please?
220
00:12:13,561 --> 00:12:15,086
If you can do it while I'm plotting
221
00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:17,322
- a course for Garjek.
- Wha...
222
00:12:17,323 --> 00:12:19,786
And ignoring you.
223
00:12:20,283 --> 00:12:22,459
Because we need to put
the ship in dry-dock.
224
00:12:22,502 --> 00:12:23,937
The hull was damaged,
225
00:12:23,938 --> 00:12:27,637
- even before this fiasco.
- All right, carry the two...
226
00:12:27,638 --> 00:12:29,901
And now you want to put more
stress on the ship
227
00:12:29,944 --> 00:12:31,816
and jump two systems away
228
00:12:31,859 --> 00:12:35,298
just because a sentient blob
says there might be money in it.
229
00:12:35,341 --> 00:12:38,170
- Uncarry the two.
- On top of which...
230
00:12:38,171 --> 00:12:39,171
not that you give a shit...
231
00:12:39,215 --> 00:12:41,391
but you swore to me
we'd go back to Earth.
232
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:44,353
- You promised.
- Lana, come on. I promised you lots of things.
233
00:12:44,394 --> 00:12:45,872
- Archer...
- Besides,
234
00:12:45,873 --> 00:12:48,049
like you said,
it's just two systems, a...
235
00:12:48,093 --> 00:12:51,139
a skip and a jump.
What could possibly go wrong?
236
00:12:51,183 --> 00:12:52,444
Seriously?
237
00:12:52,445 --> 00:12:56,319
Besides all the normal stuff that
could easily go disastrously wrong,
238
00:12:56,362 --> 00:13:00,065
- since space travel is so dangerous.
- Ugh.
239
00:13:01,802 --> 00:13:04,440
Woooooo!!
240
00:13:04,475 --> 00:13:07,117
Hyperspace!
241
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:26,239
Oh, m... oh, man.
242
00:13:26,282 --> 00:13:28,197
Is hyperspace not the best?
243
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:31,070
If you mean is it the best at
putting stress on the hull...
244
00:13:31,113 --> 00:13:32,941
Is this the rest of my life now...
245
00:13:32,985 --> 00:13:36,366
- you bitching about the damn hull?
- Right?
246
00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:37,728
Relax. The hull's gonna be...
247
00:13:37,772 --> 00:13:38,902
Aah!
248
00:13:38,903 --> 00:13:39,991
What the hell was that?
249
00:13:39,992 --> 00:13:42,298
My last bottle of bitter lemon!
250
00:13:42,342 --> 00:13:45,083
- Dri'n fighters inbound.
- From where?
251
00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:46,649
- From the transport.
- What?!
252
00:13:46,650 --> 00:13:48,826
They must've followed us, dumbass.
253
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,916
- How am I a dumbass?
- How much time do you have?
254
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,134
Ow!
255
00:13:53,135 --> 00:13:55,094
Uh... not much.
256
00:13:55,137 --> 00:13:57,270
- Hull damage.
- We know!
257
00:13:57,313 --> 00:13:58,792
Battle stations.
258
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:03,058
- Ugh! What now?
- Seriously.
259
00:14:03,102 --> 00:14:06,322
But whatever it is,
I'm sure it's Archer's fault.
260
00:14:06,366 --> 00:14:07,279
- Krieger, helm!
- Yep!
261
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,848
Okay, assholes.
Sun's out, guns out.
262
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,720
Well, in space, the sun is always...
263
00:14:12,763 --> 00:14:15,157
Don't step on my line, fish!
264
00:14:24,601 --> 00:14:26,301
Whoa...
265
00:14:27,126 --> 00:14:28,561
Uh, I thought this was
a civilian ship.
266
00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:31,869
- Isn't it illegal for it to have weapons?
- Oh, my God, it is.
267
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,916
Should we pull over and
call the Federation, or, uh...
268
00:14:34,959 --> 00:14:37,899
- What? No, I just...
- 'Cause we're happy to pull over, Bort!
269
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:39,486
- S-Seriously?
- No. Archer...
270
00:14:39,529 --> 00:14:42,619
Please!
Quit dicking around.
271
00:14:43,533 --> 00:14:45,233
Yeah, Bort.
272
00:14:48,364 --> 00:14:50,279
Come on, come on,
come on, come on...
273
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,023
Yes!
274
00:14:54,805 --> 00:14:57,025
Get some! Get some!
275
00:14:58,157 --> 00:15:01,551
Suppressing fire!
276
00:15:02,596 --> 00:15:05,163
Jesus,
you couldn't suppress a cough.
277
00:15:05,164 --> 00:15:07,383
- Yes, I could.
- Touché, Cyril.
278
00:15:09,429 --> 00:15:11,344
We're taking too much damage!
279
00:15:11,387 --> 00:15:14,042
Damn it!
Okay, Carol...
280
00:15:14,086 --> 00:15:16,131
Carol? Carol!
281
00:15:16,175 --> 00:15:17,653
- What?
- You know what!
282
00:15:17,654 --> 00:15:20,179
- Ugh!
- Goddamn it, woman.
283
00:15:20,222 --> 00:15:22,224
All right, already!
284
00:15:23,878 --> 00:15:25,578
Jesus!
285
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:38,022
Isn't it kind of weird
Carol hates doing
286
00:15:38,066 --> 00:15:40,743
- the one thing she's good at?
- No, I get it.
287
00:15:40,778 --> 00:15:41,852
I mean,
I'm like that with blowjobs.
288
00:15:41,896 --> 00:15:44,855
- Oh, for...
- Wai-Wait, what?
289
00:15:44,899 --> 00:15:47,904
- Yeah, whooda what?
- Since when are you good at blowjobs?
290
00:15:47,939 --> 00:15:48,989
Excuse me?
291
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:52,253
- For your information...
- Cyril, shut up!
292
00:15:52,254 --> 00:15:54,387
- Let the man speak.
- Yeah, Lana.
293
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:56,432
He has nothing to say on the matter.
294
00:15:56,476 --> 00:15:59,435
- Do you, Cyril?
- I... No, I guess not.
295
00:15:59,479 --> 00:16:01,307
Whoa, w-whoa, w...
wait a minute.
296
00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:04,048
Hey, look over there...
that was the last pirate.
297
00:16:04,092 --> 00:16:07,639
- Way to go, Carol.
- Yeah. "Yay me."
298
00:16:07,674 --> 00:16:09,362
Okay, we will
talk about this later.
299
00:16:09,397 --> 00:16:10,968
- No, we won't.
- But for now, head to the gig.
300
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:12,360
We leave for the surface in five.
301
00:16:12,361 --> 00:16:15,992
Time to see what
a million credits looks like.
302
00:16:16,365 --> 00:16:18,628
And we should take a duffel bag, or...
303
00:16:18,672 --> 00:16:21,414
Ray, uh, what are you doing?
304
00:16:21,457 --> 00:16:23,546
I thought I'd go down with
y'all and see if I could,
305
00:16:23,590 --> 00:16:25,461
you know, find some clientele.
306
00:16:28,899 --> 00:16:33,121
Hey, you know what?
I don't need it!
307
00:16:34,745 --> 00:16:38,836
- Aw, man. Now I feel kind of bad.
- Yeah, I d...
308
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,925
I do too. Let's bring him
something back.
309
00:16:40,969 --> 00:16:42,840
Does he still collect
those little spoons?
310
00:16:42,884 --> 00:16:44,363
Ugh, yes.
311
00:16:44,514 --> 00:16:46,646
Hey, we're not going down
there for a shopping spree.
312
00:16:46,690 --> 00:16:48,996
We're gonna use that reward
money to repair the ship.
313
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:53,047
- Jesus, calm down, it's just a spoon.
- Yeah, Lana.
314
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,834
So, Bort, wh...
uh, what do we call your folks?
315
00:17:00,878 --> 00:17:02,531
Do what?
316
00:17:02,532 --> 00:17:05,056
Like, is this a "Your
Majesty" type deal, or...
317
00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:08,624
- Uh, y-yeah, I guess.
- Okay, so...
318
00:17:08,625 --> 00:17:12,063
- Oh, should I curtsy?
- Ugh, there's a picture.
319
00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:15,305
First of all, I was voted
Most Ladylike in my
320
00:17:15,306 --> 00:17:19,026
- cotillion class, and I also...
- Who was your competition... a boulder?
321
00:17:19,070 --> 00:17:20,462
Oh, the Dri'n.
322
00:17:20,463 --> 00:17:22,378
What the...
323
00:17:22,421 --> 00:17:24,858
- Hey, gang.
- Wha...
324
00:17:24,902 --> 00:17:26,468
Barry Six?!
325
00:17:26,469 --> 00:17:28,384
- Good God.
- Not Barry Six.
326
00:17:28,427 --> 00:17:32,170
Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six.
Say, Bort.
327
00:17:32,214 --> 00:17:33,388
- Goddamn it, Bort.
- You know him?
328
00:17:33,389 --> 00:17:34,911
- Hey, Six.
- How the hell do you know Bort?
329
00:17:34,912 --> 00:17:36,521
Oh, Bort and I go way back.
330
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,308
I got Bort out of a sticky
little mess on Vega Three,
331
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,484
- didn't I, bud?
- Yeah.
332
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,342
- So this was all a big set-up?
- Duh-hoy.
333
00:17:44,343 --> 00:17:46,402
I'm super sorry, you guys.
334
00:17:46,445 --> 00:17:50,275
- Oh, you will be, you little...
- Butt-plug looking piece of shit!
335
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,059
That's what he reminds me of!
336
00:17:52,103 --> 00:17:54,409
- Mother, please.
- Well look at him.
337
00:17:54,410 --> 00:17:56,412
So are we... cool?
338
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:02,505
- I mean, I am.
- Okay, well, then I'm just gonna...
339
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,749
kinda...
340
00:18:06,422 --> 00:18:08,250
tip... just tip on out, then.
341
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:11,904
Wow.
342
00:18:11,905 --> 00:18:15,561
Wow. Look at that.
Little kook.
343
00:18:15,605 --> 00:18:17,694
You believe he's heir to the
throne of the House of Garj?
344
00:18:17,737 --> 00:18:20,305
- What do you want with us?
- Well, me and Archer
345
00:18:20,306 --> 00:18:23,308
have what you might call an
outstanding account to settle.
346
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,876
So, for starters,
I'm gonna extract
347
00:18:25,919 --> 00:18:27,398
all the bones from his body.
348
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:29,008
- What?!
- No biggie.
349
00:18:29,009 --> 00:18:30,358
Well, now just hold on a minute!
350
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,362
- Yeah!
- If this is between the two of you, the rest of us...
351
00:18:33,405 --> 00:18:35,929
- No!
- The rest of you, I hope,
352
00:18:35,973 --> 00:18:37,975
are gonna fetch me a pretty good price
353
00:18:38,018 --> 00:18:39,410
when I sell you down the spek mines.
354
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:40,933
- Seriously?
- Spek mines?
355
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:43,023
Yeah. Not great, huh?
356
00:18:55,049 --> 00:18:57,791
How about now... happy now?
357
00:18:57,835 --> 00:19:00,229
I mean... probably happier
than I'm gonna be
358
00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:02,448
when Barry Six
starts yanking my bones.
359
00:19:02,492 --> 00:19:04,831
Space phrasing.
360
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:08,544
No?
361
00:19:11,491 --> 00:19:15,923
sync & correction by f1nc0
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