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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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10x01 - Bort The Garj
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Altair Beta?
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Why'd you wake me up
way the hell out here?
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We picked up a distress beacon.
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Not surprising. Altair Beta's
not the best neighborhood.
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Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.
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Yeah, speaking of...
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looks like pirates hit
that transport pretty hard.
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Well, what say we go
pick the bones?
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I'd say, uh,
unfortunate choice of words.
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Figuratively.
Hopefully.
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Well, I'm in, but you know
what she's gonna say.
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Why, does she talk in her sleep?
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What? Mother, come on.
We can't not...
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I mean, Lana's the co-captain, so...
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- So?
- Huh.
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W-Well, should we
wake up anybody?
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Why would we?
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Good point.
Let's go check it out.
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W-Wait, Mother. Hang on.
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Oh, for the...
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You are disgusting.
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Me?
He's the one wallowing in...
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Oh, freeze-dried shepherd's pie.
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Ugh! And banana pudding.
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So, on the off chance
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the pirates left
anything worth taking...
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There's no sense cutting the
rest of those idiots in on the deal.
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Yeah, they'll just... Wait,
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what do you mean,
"the rest of those idiots?"
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- Hmm?
- Are you implying I'm an idiot?
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- No, I...
- Yes, you were.
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I wasn't implying anything.
You...
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Proximity alert.
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Proximity alert.
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Proximity alert.
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- What the hell?
- Proximity alert.
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- Idiot.
- Aha! See?
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- You were implying it.
- I'm saying it!
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Now can you please just
dock the damn thing?
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- Yes.
- Nope!
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- Here we go.
- Oh, goody.
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And just what in my own
personal hell
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- do you two think you're doing?
- Well...
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And don't insult my
intelligence by lying to me.
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Okay, then...
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Never mind.
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ MY-SUBS.com ~
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Damn it, Krieger,
why'd you have to wake her up?
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You big-mouth... fish.
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Don't call me fish!
And I didn't write my code,
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- so don't yell at me.
- I'll do the yelling.
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Great, that way we know
you're getting enough oxygen.
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Now, somebody explain to me why you're
docking the ship without permission.
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- Permission?
- Look, we picked up a distress beacon,
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and we thought, you know,
that we'd...
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Leave us all in stasis while
you sneak in there to loot
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whatever the pirates might've
left behind in there, which...
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spoiler alert... is jack-shit
unless you're counting
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the ionic charges
they left as booby-traps!
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Well, you've clearly already
made up your mind, so...
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Somebody tell me this is a joke.
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Oh, what, you being first mate?
Sadly, no. Not a joke.
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No, this! Which better not
be what it looks like!
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That's better than what it smells like.
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- Huh?
- Which is a giant bag of assholes.
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- What?
- Cyril, you reek.
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No, I...
Is that shepherd's pie?
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And banana pudding.
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Damn it, Archer.
Did you fart in my stasis pod again?
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- Why, I oughta...
- You oughta wash off that 'nana puddin'.
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- Stop touching me! You stink!
- Will you two knock it off?
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- Yes.
- Ow!
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Why do we even
serve shepherd's pie?
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And, follow-up, why do we have the
world's loneliest courtesan on board?
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Seriously, though,
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this whole place smells
like a fart shit its pants.
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Did somebody say pants?
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'Cause I'm not wearing any.
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Because welcome
to the freak show.
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What?
Said the bug zapper.
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- Yeah, and speaking of.
- What?
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We had a deal.
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Yeah, come on, Mom.
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Oh, all right.
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- Happy?
- No, actually.
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Because you two were about to
violate quarantine protocols,
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possibly exposing my ship
to dangerous...
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- It's not your ship!
- Half of it is.
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Because I had
a shitty divorce lawyer.
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- Whose fault is that?
- You're the one who wanted a divorce!
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When what I should've done
is just wait for you
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to get murdered by one of the
enemies you either owe money,
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cheated, cuckolded,
straight-up stole from,
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or some combination thereof.
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Your point being?
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Her point, Captain Doctor
Science, is you can't expose
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just half the ship to
potentially deadly microorganisms.
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Aha!
Potentially deadly.
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I'm not having this argument again.
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- Apparently you are.
- No, I'm not.
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Aborting docking sequence.
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Yes, you a...
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- Damn it, Lana!
- Aborting docking seq...
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- Krieger!
- Guys, come on.
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We've been over and over
and over this.
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- The Laws of Robotics...
- Is made-up shit from a comic book.
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- Sorry.
- Don't be. It had to be said.
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What the shit?
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Oh, my God.
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- What is that?
- Oh, my God,
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- what the hell...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody, shh.
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- Aah! - Kill it!
- Boy!
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Whew.
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Are...
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- Happy?
- I'm... happy you're not.
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What the hell was that thing?
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I think the more pressing
question is...
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No, Krieger, for the millionth time,
you'll never be a real boy.
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- I was going to say...
- I think it's more tragic than anything.
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You're one to talk.
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- I was going to say...
- Ooh! When will you be a real boy?
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What the hell
was it running from?
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Um...
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Son of a...
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Dri'n dak!
Dak txakurrak!
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Oh, yeah?
You want some of this?
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Ow!
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I think they might, actually.
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- Dri'n bastards. Krieger, blast door.
- Yep, yep, yep.
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- That oughta hold 'em. Okay...
- Hang on.
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Shut up.
Krieger, undock us.
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Cyril, Pam, Carol, grab a weapon,
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split up, and find that xenomorph.
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For all we know he's a Trojan horse.
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- He was pretty rubbery.
- So stupid.
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Right?
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And if you can temporarily
de-ass your head,
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- want to get us out to here?
- Why? We can take these assholes.
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- Hull damage.
- You were saying?
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Hull damage.
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Hull damage.
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- Hull damage.
- I heard you!
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- Okay, Krieger, we clear?
- Yep, yep, yep!
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Okay then.
Everybody brace for initial thrust.
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In three...
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- Whoa!
- God...
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- Damn...
- Son of a...
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- Bitch!
- Ow!
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"Woooooo!!"
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
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no, no!
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Can't have anything nice.
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Never gets old, does it?!
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Nope.
Unlike some people.
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- Excuse me?!
- Lana, handle your business.
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There's a giant squeezy toy
on the loose.
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- I'll squeeze your... Damn it!
- Got nothing.
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Okay, keep your crazy eyes peeled.
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And watch your muzzle, will ya? I'm
not trying to get blasted in the face.
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- Well, I'm not trying to get slimed.
- What?
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It's not a ghost, dumbass.
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- How do you know?
- Because nothing's a ghost.
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Shh.
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You open it on three.
Ready?
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One...
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Oh, for... You pussy.
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You're supposed to be looking
for the damn xenomorph.
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I'm checking all the storage lockers.
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This one's clear.
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On me.
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- Freeze!
- Don't shoot, don't shoot!
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- Let me see those hands!
- I... I don't have any.
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- Duh-hoy.
- Shut up.
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Okay, so who or what are you?
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I... W... I'm Bort.
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Bort the Garj?
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- Of the House of Garj?
- Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,
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just, what do you think you're doing?
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Eating off-brand cereal?
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No, the passengers
were from all over.
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I was the only Garj, and so I
was able to hide in the walls
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when they attacked the transport.
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And after they killed
all the crew, they just...
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- took everybody.
- To sell into the spek mines, no doubt.
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00:10:26,691 --> 00:10:28,867
So how do you know English?
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- Is... that relevant?
- Yeah, Lana.
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I mean, why does anybody know it?
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I mean she does.
She's obviously not human.
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- But not so obviously a she.
- Hey!
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- We were all thinking it.
- 'Cause you're all a bunch of xenophobes.
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Are you...
You're as bad as she is.
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- Always calling me fish or...
- That doesn't count.
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- You're a robot.
- Synthetic human.
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Potato, pobobot, am I right?
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00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,935
Anyway, the important thing is
I'm okay.
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00:10:53,979 --> 00:10:55,371
- Is that so?
- Well, yeah.
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00:10:55,372 --> 00:10:58,499
I mean, I'm heir to the throne
of the House of Garj, so...
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00:10:59,941 --> 00:11:01,638
And that's actually
a pretty huge deal.
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00:11:01,639 --> 00:11:03,728
- Well, li-like, how huge?
- Well...
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00:11:03,771 --> 00:11:06,838
- I-If you had to express it monetarily.
- Wh...
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00:11:06,873 --> 00:11:08,602
- Oh, no.
- Lana, shut up.
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00:11:08,646 --> 00:11:10,255
- Archer, shut up.
- No!
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00:11:10,256 --> 00:11:13,151
- We are not going off on some...
- Wild goose chase! Who's in?
205
00:11:13,186 --> 00:11:14,304
- I'm so in!
- Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
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00:11:14,339 --> 00:11:15,868
- Ooh, me!
- No. Now, wait a minute.
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00:11:15,911 --> 00:11:18,177
Lana, democracy has spoken.
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00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:22,659
- So, if we take you home to Garj...
- Well, to Garjek, our moon,
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00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:25,445
then my parents
will reward you handsomely.
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00:11:25,489 --> 00:11:27,621
I'm already handsome.
How much?
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00:11:27,665 --> 00:11:29,623
I mean...
easily a million credits.
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00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:32,626
In this economy?
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00:11:32,670 --> 00:11:34,628
And like I said,
I'm a pretty huge deal.
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00:11:34,672 --> 00:11:38,980
Yes, yes, you definitely are.
So, can somebody here please
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00:11:39,024 --> 00:11:41,635
get His Highness
some more cereal right now?
216
00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:43,379
Yeah, or maybe just better cereal?
217
00:11:43,420 --> 00:11:46,596
- Well, I don't know about all that.
- Just a thought.
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00:11:46,597 --> 00:11:49,676
Can I talk to you... please?
219
00:11:49,711 --> 00:11:51,236
If you can do it while I'm plotting
220
00:11:51,237 --> 00:11:53,472
- a course for Garjek.
- Wha...
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00:11:53,473 --> 00:11:55,936
And ignoring you.
222
00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:58,609
Because we need to put
the ship in dry-dock.
223
00:11:58,652 --> 00:12:00,087
The hull was damaged,
224
00:12:00,088 --> 00:12:03,787
- even before this fiasco.
- All right, carry the two...
225
00:12:03,788 --> 00:12:06,051
And now you want to put more
stress on the ship
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00:12:06,094 --> 00:12:07,966
and jump two systems away
227
00:12:08,009 --> 00:12:11,448
just because a sentient blob
says there might be money in it.
228
00:12:11,491 --> 00:12:14,320
- Uncarry the two.
- On top of which...
229
00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:15,321
not that you give a shit...
230
00:12:15,365 --> 00:12:17,541
but you swore to me
we'd go back to Earth.
231
00:12:17,584 --> 00:12:20,503
- You promised.
- Lana, come on. I promised you lots of things.
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00:12:20,544 --> 00:12:22,022
- Archer...
- Besides,
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00:12:22,023 --> 00:12:24,199
like you said,
it's just two systems, a...
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00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,289
a skip and a jump.
What could possibly go wrong?
235
00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:28,594
Seriously?
236
00:12:28,595 --> 00:12:32,469
Besides all the normal stuff that
could easily go disastrously wrong,
237
00:12:32,512 --> 00:12:36,215
- since space travel is so dangerous.
- Ugh.
238
00:12:37,952 --> 00:12:40,590
Woooooo!!
239
00:12:40,625 --> 00:12:43,267
Hyperspace!
240
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,669
Oh, m... oh, man.
241
00:12:58,712 --> 00:13:00,627
Is hyperspace not the best?
242
00:13:00,671 --> 00:13:03,500
If you mean is it the best at
putting stress on the hull...
243
00:13:03,543 --> 00:13:05,371
Is this the rest of my life now...
244
00:13:05,415 --> 00:13:08,796
- you bitching about the damn hull?
- Right?
245
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:10,158
Relax. The hull's gonna be...
246
00:13:10,202 --> 00:13:11,332
Aah!
247
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:12,421
What the hell was that?
248
00:13:12,422 --> 00:13:14,728
My last bottle of bitter lemon!
249
00:13:14,772 --> 00:13:17,513
- Dri'n fighters inbound.
- From where?
250
00:13:17,514 --> 00:13:19,079
- From the transport.
- What?!
251
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,256
They must've followed us, dumbass.
252
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:24,346
- How am I a dumbass?
- How much time do you have?
253
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,564
Ow!
254
00:13:25,565 --> 00:13:27,524
Uh... not much.
255
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:29,700
- Hull damage.
- We know!
256
00:13:29,743 --> 00:13:31,222
Battle stations.
257
00:13:31,223 --> 00:13:35,488
- Ugh! What now?
- Seriously.
258
00:13:35,532 --> 00:13:38,752
But whatever it is,
I'm sure it's Archer's fault.
259
00:13:38,796 --> 00:13:39,709
- Krieger, helm!
- Yep!
260
00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:43,278
Okay, assholes.
Sun's out, guns out.
261
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,150
Well, in space, the sun is always...
262
00:13:45,193 --> 00:13:47,587
Don't step on my line, fish!
263
00:13:57,031 --> 00:13:58,731
Whoa...
264
00:13:59,556 --> 00:14:00,991
Uh, I thought this was
a civilian ship.
265
00:14:00,992 --> 00:14:04,299
- Isn't it illegal for it to have weapons?
- Oh, my God, it is.
266
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:07,346
Should we pull over and
call the Federation, or, uh...
267
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,329
- What? No, I just...
- 'Cause we're happy to pull over, Bort!
268
00:14:10,364 --> 00:14:11,916
- S-Seriously?
- No. Archer...
269
00:14:11,959 --> 00:14:15,049
Please! Quit dicking around.
270
00:14:15,963 --> 00:14:17,663
Yeah, Bort.
271
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,709
Come on, come on,
come on, come on...
272
00:14:22,753 --> 00:14:24,453
Yes!
273
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,455
Get some! Get some!
274
00:14:30,587 --> 00:14:33,981
Suppressing fire!
275
00:14:35,026 --> 00:14:37,593
Jesus,
you couldn't suppress a cough.
276
00:14:37,594 --> 00:14:39,813
- Yes, I could.
- Touché, Cyril.
277
00:14:41,859 --> 00:14:43,774
We're taking too much damage!
278
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:46,472
Damn it!
Okay, Carol...
279
00:14:46,516 --> 00:14:48,561
Carol? Carol!
280
00:14:48,605 --> 00:14:50,083
- What?
- You know what!
281
00:14:50,084 --> 00:14:52,609
- Ugh!
- Goddamn it, woman.
282
00:14:52,652 --> 00:14:54,654
All right, already!
283
00:14:56,308 --> 00:14:58,008
Jesus!
284
00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:10,452
Isn't it kind of weird
Carol hates doing
285
00:15:10,496 --> 00:15:13,173
- the one thing she's good at?
- No, I get it.
286
00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:14,282
I mean,
I'm like that with blowjobs.
287
00:15:14,326 --> 00:15:17,285
- Oh, for...
- Wai-Wait, what?
288
00:15:17,329 --> 00:15:20,334
- Yeah, whooda what?
- Since when are you good at blowjobs?
289
00:15:20,369 --> 00:15:21,419
Excuse me?
290
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:24,683
- For your information...
- Cyril, shut up!
291
00:15:24,684 --> 00:15:26,817
- Let the man speak.
- Yeah, Lana.
292
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,862
He has nothing to say on the matter.
293
00:15:28,906 --> 00:15:31,865
- Do you, Cyril?
- I... No, I guess not.
294
00:15:31,909 --> 00:15:33,737
Whoa, w-whoa, w...
wait a minute.
295
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:36,478
Hey, look over there...
that was the last pirate.
296
00:15:36,522 --> 00:15:40,069
- Way to go, Carol.
- Yeah. "Yay me."
297
00:15:40,104 --> 00:15:41,792
Okay, we will
talk about this later.
298
00:15:41,827 --> 00:15:43,398
- No, we won't.
- But for now, head to the gig.
299
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:44,790
We leave for the surface in five.
300
00:15:44,791 --> 00:15:48,422
Time to see what
a million credits looks like.
301
00:15:48,795 --> 00:15:51,058
And we should take a duffel bag, or...
302
00:15:51,102 --> 00:15:53,844
Ray, uh, what are you doing?
303
00:15:53,887 --> 00:15:55,976
I thought I'd go down with
y'all and see if I could,
304
00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:57,891
you know, find some clientele.
305
00:16:01,329 --> 00:16:05,551
Hey, you know what?
I don't need it!
306
00:16:07,335 --> 00:16:11,426
- Aw, man. Now I feel kind of bad.
- Yeah, I d...
307
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,515
I do too. Let's bring him
something back.
308
00:16:13,559 --> 00:16:15,430
Does he still collect
those little spoons?
309
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:16,953
Ugh, yes.
310
00:16:17,104 --> 00:16:19,236
Hey, we're not going down
there for a shopping spree.
311
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,586
We're gonna use that reward
money to repair the ship.
312
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:25,637
- Jesus, calm down, it's just a spoon.
- Yeah, Lana.
313
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,424
So, Bort, wh...
uh, what do we call your folks?
314
00:16:33,468 --> 00:16:35,121
Do what?
315
00:16:35,122 --> 00:16:37,646
Like, is this a "Your
Majesty" type deal, or...
316
00:16:37,689 --> 00:16:41,214
- Uh, y-yeah, I guess.
- Okay, so...
317
00:16:41,215 --> 00:16:44,653
- Oh, should I curtsy?
- Ugh, there's a picture.
318
00:16:44,696 --> 00:16:47,895
First of all, I was voted
Most Ladylike in my
319
00:16:47,896 --> 00:16:51,616
- cotillion class, and I also...
- Who was your competition... a boulder?
320
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,052
Oh, the Dri'n.
321
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,968
What the...
322
00:16:55,011 --> 00:16:57,448
- Hey, gang.
- Wha...
323
00:16:57,492 --> 00:16:59,058
Barry Six?!
324
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,974
- Good God.
- Not Barry Six.
325
00:17:01,017 --> 00:17:04,760
Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six.
Say, Bort.
326
00:17:04,804 --> 00:17:05,978
- Goddamn it, Bort.
- You know him?
327
00:17:05,979 --> 00:17:07,501
- Hey, Six.
- How the hell do you know Bort?
328
00:17:07,502 --> 00:17:09,111
Oh, Bort and I go way back.
329
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,898
I got Bort out of a sticky
little mess on Vega Three,
330
00:17:11,941 --> 00:17:14,074
- didn't I, bud?
- Yeah.
331
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:16,932
- So this was all a big set-up?
- Duh-hoy.
332
00:17:16,933 --> 00:17:18,992
I'm super sorry, you guys.
333
00:17:19,035 --> 00:17:22,865
- Oh, you will be, you little...
- Butt-plug looking piece of shit!
334
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,649
That's what he reminds me of!
335
00:17:24,693 --> 00:17:26,999
- Mother, please.
- Well look at him.
336
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,002
So are we... cool?
337
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:35,095
- I mean, I am.
- Okay, well, then I'm just gonna...
338
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,339
kinda...
339
00:17:39,012 --> 00:17:40,840
tip... just tip on out, then.
340
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:48,151
Wow. Wow. Look at that.
Little kook.
341
00:17:48,195 --> 00:17:50,284
You believe he's heir to the
throne of the House of Garj?
342
00:17:50,327 --> 00:17:52,895
- What do you want with us?
- Well, me and Archer
343
00:17:52,896 --> 00:17:55,898
have what you might call an
outstanding account to settle.
344
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,466
So, for starters,
I'm gonna extract
345
00:17:58,509 --> 00:17:59,988
all the bones from his body.
346
00:17:59,989 --> 00:18:01,598
- What?!
- No biggie.
347
00:18:01,599 --> 00:18:02,948
Well, now just hold on a minute!
348
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,952
- Yeah!
- If this is between the two of you, the rest of us...
349
00:18:05,995 --> 00:18:08,519
- No!
- The rest of you, I hope,
350
00:18:08,563 --> 00:18:10,565
are gonna fetch me a pretty good price
351
00:18:10,608 --> 00:18:12,000
when I sell you down the spek mines.
352
00:18:12,001 --> 00:18:13,523
- Seriously?
- Spek mines?
353
00:18:13,524 --> 00:18:15,613
Yeah. Not great, huh?
354
00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:30,541
How about now... happy now?
355
00:18:30,585 --> 00:18:32,979
I mean... probably happier
than I'm gonna be
356
00:18:33,022 --> 00:18:35,198
when Barry Six
starts yanking my bones.
357
00:18:35,242 --> 00:18:37,581
Space phrasing.
358
00:18:38,894 --> 00:18:41,294
No?
359
00:18:44,241 --> 00:18:48,673
sync & correction by f1nc0
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