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WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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- Madame President.
- Murman!
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It's so good to see you.
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Have you imprisoned any
good novelists recently?
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(laughs)
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Selina Meyer! The woman who freed Tibet!
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(applause)
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- Lloyd is my real dad?
- Oh! I think I'm gonna be sick.
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Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.
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The governor called, he wants me to
resign as mayor effective immediately.
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What? You didn't do anything wrong.
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He's appointed me the new
Lieutenant Governor.
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"By giving Meyer the nomination,
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they can ensure a Montez presidency."
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You look so familiar to me.
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You brought a woman into
my clinic to have her
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pregnancy terminated.
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Could you be a little more specific?
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Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no
easy way to tell you this.
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Your mother's boat
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exploded off the coast of
Florida this afternoon.
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Andrew was the only person aboard.
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MAN: Congratulations, Madam President.
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Thank you. It's very exciting.
Yes, we're thrilled.
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The woman who freed Tibet is finally
getting her Nobel Peace Prize.
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Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am.
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You've won the Summit Peace Award
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of the World Summit of
Nobel Peace Laureates.
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It's kinda like the Peace Prize Junior.
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The American voters don't
know the difference,
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and, frankly, neither do I.
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Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel
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to work on your acceptance speech.
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OK, I don't know what
that's a euphemism for,
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but, Leon, you need to
really lay it on thick.
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- OK? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
- You bet, you bet, you bet.
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I wanna sound like
Bono trying to impress
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his own reflection in the mirror.
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- I understand.
- Yeah. Good.
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Hey... Was that Colonel Al-Saleh,
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the Butcher of Juba, back
there by the carving station?
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The Nobel people don't
ask too many questions
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if you buy a table.
Ma'am, at this point,
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they're just trying to
avoid losing the building.
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SELINA: My Nobel prize
really makes the point
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that I've got way more foreign policy
experience than that half-wit Kemi.
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I think it's pronounced "half-white."
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Well, "tomato, mulatto."
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Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's
wedding is in three weeks,
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and her and her wedding planner...
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Can you just say you? You and Catherine.
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We're a little concerned
about sitting you
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next to Marjorie's shaman.
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- Hello!
- Congratulations, Mom.
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Thank you very much. So, I understand
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we're having some sort
of a seating issue?
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Whatever you gals want is fine by me...
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As long as someone lets me have
mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets
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- at the reception.
- Oh, God.
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Listen, darling,
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why don't you get married
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over here in Europe?
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Because without an
American marriage license,
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U.S. community property laws
do not apply, my darling.
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Marjorie is my soul mate forever.
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- I don't know why you would bring...
- That's fine.
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You and your maid of honor here
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can sit me next to whatever
Injun Joe you want.
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It's your special day, so...
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- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome.
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- I don't have a drink.
- I'll get it.
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Um... when...
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am I getting my meeting with
President Lu about the Montez stuff?
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Oh, I can't hear you. I can't hear you.
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- Legally not present.
- Guys, listen...
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I just need to get in a
room with Lu, one on one,
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so I can change his mind about
supporting me for president.
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Face to face, I can convince
anyone of anything.
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- That's not true.
- Incorrect.
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You're both wrong.
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- BOTH: You're right.
- OK?
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Ma'am, Lu's people have
been Great-Walling us.
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I don't think they're
anxious to meet with you.
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That's why I brought along some bait.
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- MINNA: Selina!
- Minna!
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- Oh, Minna!
- (Minna squeals)
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Lu developed a real hankering
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for Finnish furburger
back at Camp David.
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He eye-fucked her so bad
he got retinal herpes.
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- Minna! Oh...
- Selina!
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- I don't get the attraction.
- Oh, I do.
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Sync and corrections by btsix
www.MY-SUBS.com
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So, my last three lovers,
they are complaining
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that my naughty talk is both
incessant and soporific.
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Maybe you should let 'em choke you.
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You think they would rather choke
me than listen to me talk?
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I can only speak for myself.
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Uh, where is Lu?
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- Selina Meyer!
- Murman!
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Oh, my gosh, I didn't know
you were still alive.
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The Russians reinstalled me
when they invaded Georgia. Ha!
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- Oh, good for you.
- Factory reboot.
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BOTH: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.
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A bit of personal news.
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I recently bought an
English football club.
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- Oh, wonderful!
- Leeds United.
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No English players, so pretty good team.
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- Oh.
- Selina, crazy idea I have.
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What if I gave you money to
help you win your election?
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America does not stand
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for foreign interference
in our elections!
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- Who do you think that I am?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
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- It's an outrage!
- New topic. New topic.
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I want to buy your Palm Beach
house for $114 million.
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Needless to say, real estate
is a different animal.
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They're not making any
more of it, right?
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Everybody's gotta live somewhere.
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I'd rather deal with the Russian mob
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than with those real estate people.
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It's because they're unethical,
that's what they are.
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Because they are working on commissions.
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Yes! Six percent?
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It's abject greed, in my view.
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The 114 million would be wired
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from the Seychelles to Malta,
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then back to the Seychelles,
and then to you.
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I'm very flattered, Murman, I really am,
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but your timing is horrendous.
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Ahh. To live is to suffer,
Selina. The human condition.
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- Yes.
- Ahh!
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- White people problems, right?
- OK.
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- (kisses)
- Thank you.
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Thank you, Murman.
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- (chatter)
- KENT: You were right, ma'am.
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Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.
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SELINA: What's the word, Minna?
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President Lu will meet you in
the West Salon in ten minutes.
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He seems quite excited.
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Yeah, we could see that from here.
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SELINA: Keith.
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- Oh, hi!
- Where is Lu?
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You don't get to see Lu.
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You need to go through me,
that's how this works.
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I know all about Lu's secret plan
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to get President Montez
elected for a second term.
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So you go, and you tell Lu
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that I want to talk to
him directly, right now.
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You're going to do exactly what we say.
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- I'm sorry?
- Or else we'll tell the whole world
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how you vaporized a DRA leader's
wedding with Hellfire missiles
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and also took a huge laser-guided shit
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all over Pakistani sovereignty...
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OK, A, that never happened.
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And B, that footage
is highly classified.
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It was classified... Until
somebody on your staff
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clicked on "Asian Girls
Bound and Gagged."
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Oh, Ben.
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Or Kent.
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Or Leon. Oh, God.
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Or Marjorie. I mean, I...
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Jonah, your anti-vaccination message
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is bringing together an unheard-of mix
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of Orthodox Jews, uneducated
fringe conspiracists,
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and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.
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That's the real America.
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We've got three more
stops this afternoon.
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Look. If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.
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The Great Lakes'll be like the spooey.
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Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's the tenth time today.
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Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?
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SIRI: I don't know how
to respond to that.
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Typical woman.
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- I know.
- That's mine.
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Clay, come on. Let's go.
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All right. How ya doin', Harrisburg!
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- (cheers, applause)
- JONAH: Yeah!
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(over P.A.) Pennsylvania,
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you have the second-lowest
vaccination rate in the nation,
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and when I am elected president,
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you will be number one!
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- (cheers, applause)
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!
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- (mic clatters)
- BETH: Oh!
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Thank you! All right! Yeah!
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Oh! Oh, look at this baby.
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- (crying)
- Mwah!
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GARY: The menu has been an atrocity.
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The guests are vegan,
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and the president won't eat
anything without a face.
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Selina.
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I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?
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Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.
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No. I can see the concern in your eyes,
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even through all the procedures.
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What is it? Is it about the wedding?
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He told you?
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He would not stop talking about it.
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He used the phrase "complete atrocity."
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Complete atrocity?
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Minna, listen.
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(scoffs) So I droned a
couple wedding civilians
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on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border.
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I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding
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to your homosexual doppelganger.
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Yes. I was.
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Um, "dr-droned a wedding"
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is, uh, American slang for, uh...
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- "I got it, I nailed it."
- Yeah, I do not think...
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No, no, no. Really. Like, "I
droned that wedding, man!"
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I do not think that it
is slang of any kind.
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Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone... here...
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MAN: Mike, we have made...
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a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.
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(laughs) I know, right?
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But I think you could be a big
part of turning that around.
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- Mm-hmm.
- As a special correspondent,
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you will be everywhere
that there's news.
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And I don't think it hurts
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that you will be our youngest
correspondent, by a lot.
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- Aww. Thank you, sir.
- So we bought the "McLintalk" name,
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but we did not get all the intellectual
property from the old show. So...
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- I have intellectual property?
- Oh... Yeah!
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The classic McLintalk bits.
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I mean, when your phone rings in
the middle of an interview...
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- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?
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- (laughing) She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff
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I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.
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- See? Keep that sense of humor.
- OK!
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Because pretty much everything
else is gonna change.
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MINNA: Selina, you have put
me in a terrible situation.
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You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.
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Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?
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All the time. Aung San Suu
Kyi, Henry Kissinger,
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and also, the prize that you're
getting, it is not the Peace Prize.
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- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.
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- No.
- It is made of very hard plastic.
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You have left me with no
choice. I must report you.
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Well, then you've left
me with no choice.
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- Ha!
- That was your phone.
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I called Interpol before
we got in the car.
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SELINA: Come on, wait up. Minna.
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Just a second! Sweet
Viking Christ! Come on!
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00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:10,472
Just call Interpol back, tell
'em that you made a mistake.
242
00:09:10,473 --> 00:09:12,432
I am sorry, Selina.
243
00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:14,555
I have a commitment to the
principles of truth and justice.
244
00:09:14,556 --> 00:09:17,597
As the former president
of the United States,
245
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,447
truth and justice can gargle my balls.
246
00:09:20,448 --> 00:09:23,305
- BEN: Move the fuck out of my way.
- KENT: Ma'am, the ICC
247
00:09:23,306 --> 00:09:26,096
has issued a warrant for
your arrest for war crimes.
248
00:09:26,097 --> 00:09:27,847
That's because Autistic Barbie here
249
00:09:27,848 --> 00:09:30,638
tattled on me over the
wedding drone strike.
250
00:09:30,639 --> 00:09:33,013
- Which one?
- Nope. The DRA guy.
251
00:09:33,014 --> 00:09:34,472
- Which was the only one.
- Correct!
252
00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:36,055
Secret Service says the Norwegian police
253
00:09:36,056 --> 00:09:37,680
are all over the airport and the hotel.
254
00:09:37,681 --> 00:09:39,597
- Seriously?
- You will be extradited to the Hague
255
00:09:39,598 --> 00:09:42,346
and imprisoned under Article
VIII of the Rome Statute.
256
00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:45,680
Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.
257
00:09:45,681 --> 00:09:47,513
You can stay here at the embassy!
258
00:09:47,514 --> 00:09:50,221
I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.
259
00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:53,430
- Ahh!
- Ma'am... it's your only shot.
260
00:09:53,431 --> 00:09:54,932
- Yeah.
- Really?
261
00:09:55,848 --> 00:09:57,027
Fine.
262
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,149
I'll stay here.
263
00:09:59,150 --> 00:10:02,055
Good. Now you must
formally request asylum.
264
00:10:02,056 --> 00:10:03,638
Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
265
00:10:03,639 --> 00:10:05,346
They can shoot me as
I make a run for it.
266
00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:09,513
Fine. On behalf of the Finnish
Ambassador to Norway...
267
00:10:09,514 --> 00:10:11,347
I grant you asylum.
268
00:10:12,889 --> 00:10:15,430
- Uh...
- She prefers the word "spa."
269
00:10:15,431 --> 00:10:18,513
DAN: Welcome to your new office,
Lieutenant Governor Splett.
270
00:10:18,514 --> 00:10:19,597
Here we go.
271
00:10:21,431 --> 00:10:22,720
Wait. What? No.
272
00:10:22,721 --> 00:10:24,180
This is where you stick
an unfuckable intern.
273
00:10:24,181 --> 00:10:25,480
Oh, no, no, no.
274
00:10:25,481 --> 00:10:27,305
When I was a summer intern for
Lieutenant Governor Plasko
275
00:10:27,306 --> 00:10:29,555
back in seventh grade, I was
in a much bigger office.
276
00:10:29,556 --> 00:10:32,138
We gotta get the morbidly
obese fuck out of Iowa.
277
00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:34,847
Last night I tried to find one
non-chain restaurant to eat at,
278
00:10:34,848 --> 00:10:37,180
and Yelp basically told me
to go Fuddrucker myself.
279
00:10:37,181 --> 00:10:38,680
Sounds like a settings issue.
280
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,472
Listen, we gotta get
you national, Richard,
281
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,722
so that's why I've already
booked you on "McLintalk."
282
00:10:42,723 --> 00:10:44,055
And I canceled it.
283
00:10:44,056 --> 00:10:45,680
RICHARD: Governor Ballentine!
284
00:10:45,681 --> 00:10:47,096
You think you're hot shit, Splett?
285
00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:48,805
First human mayor of Lurlene,
286
00:10:48,806 --> 00:10:50,889
straight to lieutenant
governor in just a few months.
287
00:10:50,890 --> 00:10:53,013
- Thank you.
- Well, now you're an ice cold dog turd,
288
00:10:53,014 --> 00:10:55,138
because you're not gettin' my job.
289
00:10:55,139 --> 00:10:56,930
Governor, we have the utmost respect...
290
00:10:56,931 --> 00:10:58,726
Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.
291
00:10:58,727 --> 00:11:01,597
Splett, I'm gonna bury you so
deep in bullshit make-work
292
00:11:01,598 --> 00:11:04,388
people are gonna forget Iowa
even has a lieutenant governor.
293
00:11:04,389 --> 00:11:05,597
That shouldn't be too hard.
294
00:11:07,889 --> 00:11:09,930
("McLintalk" theme music plays)
295
00:11:09,931 --> 00:11:12,096
This is Michael McLintock...
296
00:11:12,097 --> 00:11:15,597
and it's time to McLintalk
with Michael Mclintock
297
00:11:15,598 --> 00:11:17,180
on CBS International...
298
00:11:17,181 --> 00:11:20,096
Yes, I'm still holding
for Secretary Doyle.
299
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,388
- Mike looks good.
- Mm. So much better.
300
00:11:22,389 --> 00:11:24,957
What's he doing? How long does it
take to change an adult diaper?
301
00:11:24,958 --> 00:11:26,680
MIKE: The Norwegian National
Police have surrounded
302
00:11:26,681 --> 00:11:28,388
the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway...
303
00:11:28,389 --> 00:11:29,597
Oh, my God in heaven.
304
00:11:29,598 --> 00:11:31,180
Selina, do you hate me?
305
00:11:31,181 --> 00:11:32,263
Minna, I'm on the phone.
306
00:11:32,264 --> 00:11:33,597
Ma'am, the White House refuses
307
00:11:33,598 --> 00:11:35,138
to get involved in your situation.
308
00:11:35,139 --> 00:11:36,430
- What?!
- Although publically,
309
00:11:36,431 --> 00:11:37,972
Montez claims to be
considering all options.
310
00:11:37,973 --> 00:11:39,680
Privately, I heard she's been doing
311
00:11:39,681 --> 00:11:41,180
impressions of you getting
broom-sticked in prison.
312
00:11:41,181 --> 00:11:43,930
Are people actually laughing
at that impression?
313
00:11:43,931 --> 00:11:44,993
- No.
- Yes.
314
00:11:44,994 --> 00:11:46,180
Is this really just about
315
00:11:46,181 --> 00:11:47,680
me reporting you to the ICC?
316
00:11:47,681 --> 00:11:49,930
Yeah. How long am I supposed to be here?
317
00:11:49,931 --> 00:11:51,847
I could be dead before
you ever get outta here.
318
00:11:51,848 --> 00:11:54,680
Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly,
that could be, like, tonight.
319
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,263
- God willing.
- I forgave you
320
00:11:56,264 --> 00:11:58,138
for not voting for me to
be the head of the IMF.
321
00:11:58,139 --> 00:12:00,608
Minna, you don't go to prison
322
00:12:00,609 --> 00:12:02,430
when you're not the head of the IMF.
323
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,722
- Just the prison of unmet potential.
- Ooh!
324
00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,847
Go sit in the corner, Minna! Go!
325
00:12:06,848 --> 00:12:08,555
GARY: Here comes the shoes!
326
00:12:08,556 --> 00:12:11,889
Guys, how is this affecting
my chances at the nomination?
327
00:12:11,890 --> 00:12:15,388
You need to get in touch with the
American Ambassador to Norway.
328
00:12:15,389 --> 00:12:18,930
Norway. Ambassador Costas was
Montez's husband's chiropractor.
329
00:12:18,931 --> 00:12:21,305
BEN: Yeah, he does most of his
ambassador-ing in Orlando.
330
00:12:21,306 --> 00:12:23,430
OK, that's everything. Ohh.
331
00:12:23,431 --> 00:12:26,388
I have no space in this room!
332
00:12:26,389 --> 00:12:27,764
- I'll take it out.
- I cannot move!
333
00:12:27,765 --> 00:12:29,848
It's easy. We'll get it out. Ow!
334
00:12:31,222 --> 00:12:33,430
Selina, can I ask just one teeny, tiny,
335
00:12:33,431 --> 00:12:35,680
very small question?
336
00:12:35,681 --> 00:12:37,221
Uh... yeah.
337
00:12:37,222 --> 00:12:39,388
- Minna.
- Yeah.
338
00:12:39,389 --> 00:12:40,472
Yeah.
339
00:12:40,473 --> 00:12:42,513
From the bottom of my heart,
340
00:12:42,514 --> 00:12:44,745
I truly and completely
341
00:12:44,746 --> 00:12:46,173
forgive you.
342
00:12:46,174 --> 00:12:48,638
Now shut the living fuck up.
343
00:12:48,639 --> 00:12:50,889
I am just sorry that
I cannot forgive you
344
00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:53,013
for killing all those innocent people.
345
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:54,680
Get out.
346
00:12:54,681 --> 00:12:57,055
- We are sharing a room.
- No, we're not.
347
00:13:02,097 --> 00:13:03,138
Yeah.
348
00:13:03,139 --> 00:13:05,472
AMY: Streptococksucker.
349
00:13:05,473 --> 00:13:07,346
Do you have the chicken pox?
350
00:13:07,347 --> 00:13:09,305
Clay gave 'em to me, yell at him.
351
00:13:09,306 --> 00:13:11,013
- CLAY: No, I didn't.
- Clay!
352
00:13:11,014 --> 00:13:13,972
Oh, sweet pustulent Christ.
You need to see this.
353
00:13:13,973 --> 00:13:15,722
Disease Control is reporting
354
00:13:15,723 --> 00:13:17,513
a large chicken pox outbreak
355
00:13:17,514 --> 00:13:19,055
in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
356
00:13:19,056 --> 00:13:20,889
Oh, wow. We got out of
there just in time.
357
00:13:20,890 --> 00:13:23,055
That is the eighth chicken pox outbreak
358
00:13:23,056 --> 00:13:24,555
in the last week,
359
00:13:24,556 --> 00:13:26,972
all in communities with
low vaccination rates
360
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,722
but no other apparent connection.
361
00:13:28,723 --> 00:13:30,722
Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!
362
00:13:30,723 --> 00:13:33,555
You infected all those nutballs who
don't believe in vaccinations!
363
00:13:33,556 --> 00:13:34,745
Well, serves 'em right.
364
00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:36,221
Didn't you have chicken pox as a child?!
365
00:13:36,222 --> 00:13:39,138
Were you too busy bed-wetting and
cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?
366
00:13:39,139 --> 00:13:40,412
(knocking on door)
367
00:13:40,413 --> 00:13:42,419
Jonah: Amy, that only
works with fleshy melons.
368
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:44,892
- BETH: Duh.
- And sometimes pumpkins.
369
00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:46,280
Daddy!
370
00:13:46,281 --> 00:13:48,138
Hi, Bethy, I'm really
sorry I just showed up.
371
00:13:48,139 --> 00:13:49,521
Oh, no. No! No, no, no!
372
00:13:49,522 --> 00:13:51,119
I really wanna have a chance
to talk with you, Jonah.
373
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,722
Can't you see I feel
yucky enough already?!
374
00:13:52,723 --> 00:13:54,847
Jonah, I know that you're angry with me.
375
00:13:54,848 --> 00:13:56,221
I hate you so much
376
00:13:56,222 --> 00:13:58,096
I could walk into a supermarket
and shoot everybody.
377
00:13:58,097 --> 00:14:00,513
It's all right to feel that way.
378
00:14:00,514 --> 00:14:03,346
I just want you to know that I love you.
379
00:14:03,347 --> 00:14:06,431
And I hope someday you'll
give me another chance.
380
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,139
OK.
381
00:14:10,305 --> 00:14:12,264
I b-b-beg your pardon?
382
00:14:14,222 --> 00:14:16,180
OK, you can be my dad.
383
00:14:16,181 --> 00:14:18,014
I can be what?
384
00:14:19,389 --> 00:14:21,597
You can be my dad if you want.
385
00:14:21,598 --> 00:14:23,263
Aw, come here!
386
00:14:23,264 --> 00:14:25,096
Aw, I love you, Jonah.
387
00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:28,013
I love you too, Daddy. No homo.
388
00:14:28,014 --> 00:14:30,013
Sure. No homo.
389
00:14:30,014 --> 00:14:33,221
MINNA: As we Finns say, the morning
is wiser than the evening.
390
00:14:33,222 --> 00:14:34,972
Are you feeling wiser
this morning, Selina?
391
00:14:34,973 --> 00:14:37,889
- OK. Get off.
- No? I see that we are still choosing
392
00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:39,930
not to make the best of the situation.
393
00:14:39,931 --> 00:14:41,847
I can't. I can't.
394
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,430
Who ate my yogurt?
395
00:14:43,431 --> 00:14:45,263
Amerikkalainen war criminal syo kaikki.
396
00:14:45,264 --> 00:14:47,273
Alleged war criminal.
397
00:14:47,274 --> 00:14:49,430
Selina, I think it would be best
for everyone if you can learn
398
00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:52,055
to follow just a few simple
embassy staff rules.
399
00:14:52,056 --> 00:14:53,138
- What?
- Number one,
400
00:14:53,139 --> 00:14:54,305
you write your name
401
00:14:54,306 --> 00:14:56,096
on your food in the refrigerator.
402
00:14:56,097 --> 00:14:58,180
- Oh, my God.
- You see here, I've written "Minna,"
403
00:14:58,181 --> 00:15:00,989
and I have written it
with a permanent marker.
404
00:15:00,990 --> 00:15:04,680
Number two, if you use a bowl or a spoon
405
00:15:04,681 --> 00:15:06,889
or a plate or a cup or a jug,
406
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:10,139
afterwards, you would wash in the sink.
407
00:15:11,514 --> 00:15:12,514
Yeah?
408
00:15:15,097 --> 00:15:17,138
Selina, if you go to prison,
409
00:15:17,139 --> 00:15:18,891
you will not have your Gary
to clean up after you.
410
00:15:18,892 --> 00:15:20,323
- OK, look...
- No, I'll be there.
411
00:15:20,324 --> 00:15:22,180
You gotta see what's on TV. Come on.
412
00:15:22,181 --> 00:15:23,863
Maybe it's time for me to
just turn myself in, Ben.
413
00:15:23,864 --> 00:15:25,501
What is it? What's going on?
414
00:15:25,502 --> 00:15:27,200
...Americans have come out in
force to show their support
415
00:15:27,201 --> 00:15:29,055
for the former, and
possibly future, president,
416
00:15:29,056 --> 00:15:30,346
- Selina Meyer.
- SELINA: Oh.
417
00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:31,513
Footage rolls.
418
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,430
Free Selina now!
419
00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:35,263
- SELINA: What?!
- It turns out
420
00:15:35,264 --> 00:15:36,847
Americans don't give a flying fatwa
421
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:38,430
if you drone a bunch of Muslims!
422
00:15:38,431 --> 00:15:40,472
Your favorables have never
been higher, ma'am.
423
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,847
For polling purposes, you're
practically a generic white male.
424
00:15:42,848 --> 00:15:44,638
- (Gary laughing)
- This is incredible!
425
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,221
I feel like the Grim Reaper
426
00:15:46,222 --> 00:15:49,838
just dropped his scythe and
started eating me out!
427
00:15:49,839 --> 00:15:50,993
CATHERINE: Mom.
428
00:15:50,994 --> 00:15:52,847
Ma'am, Catherine just had
the most romantic idea.
429
00:15:52,848 --> 00:15:55,180
- Oh, good.
- Getting married here in Europe.
430
00:15:55,181 --> 00:15:56,222
What?
431
00:15:57,848 --> 00:15:59,638
Oh, Catherine!
432
00:15:59,639 --> 00:16:02,096
What a wonderful idea.
433
00:16:02,097 --> 00:16:03,520
Thank you, Mother.
434
00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:07,096
Gary, can you put something
together here, at the embassy?
435
00:16:07,097 --> 00:16:10,055
I found the perfect dress at
the Oslo Medieval Festival.
436
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,764
- Ohh, I doubt it.
- SELINA: Oh, good. OK.
437
00:16:11,765 --> 00:16:13,430
Ma'am, we got bigger
reindeer to fuck here.
438
00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:14,680
Guys, listen to me.
439
00:16:14,681 --> 00:16:16,805
A wedding got me into this hot mess...
440
00:16:16,806 --> 00:16:19,055
a wedding's gonna get me out of it.
441
00:16:19,056 --> 00:16:21,665
A Potemkin wedding, if
I may coin a phrase.
442
00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:22,762
Please don't.
443
00:16:22,763 --> 00:16:24,889
Look, we need a plane to
get us home, correct?
444
00:16:24,890 --> 00:16:26,847
MIKE: ...Selina Meyer live via phone.
445
00:16:26,848 --> 00:16:28,889
- Hello, President Meyer.
- Hi, Mike.
446
00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:32,305
You know, I just want to
thank the American people.
447
00:16:32,306 --> 00:16:35,138
I mean, obviously, while
it is regrettable,
448
00:16:35,139 --> 00:16:37,346
the loss of... of innocent lives,
449
00:16:37,347 --> 00:16:40,680
I will never, ever apologize
450
00:16:40,681 --> 00:16:42,889
for keeping Americans safe.
451
00:16:42,890 --> 00:16:45,346
Uh, ma'am, we have the
drone footage here.
452
00:16:45,347 --> 00:16:47,096
Would you take our viewers through it?
453
00:16:47,097 --> 00:16:49,764
Guest speaks as footage two rolls.
454
00:16:49,765 --> 00:16:51,430
Yes. Well, this is the compound
455
00:16:51,431 --> 00:16:53,263
belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.
456
00:16:53,264 --> 00:16:55,597
Now, hold on. What is that
right on over there, ma'am?
457
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,346
Is that an elephant or something?
458
00:16:57,347 --> 00:16:59,221
Yes. Yeah, I believe it is.
459
00:16:59,222 --> 00:17:02,013
Apparently, Al Bashir had
some sort of a private zoo,
460
00:17:02,014 --> 00:17:04,096
and that's actually how we
were able to locate him.
461
00:17:04,097 --> 00:17:05,430
MIKE: And boom!
462
00:17:05,431 --> 00:17:07,013
Wow! There goes the elephant.
463
00:17:07,014 --> 00:17:08,430
- BEN: Ma'am?
- Yeah.
464
00:17:08,431 --> 00:17:10,764
I think I may have found us a plane.
465
00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:13,346
Governor, it's so nice of you to
come with us to comfort Jonah.
466
00:17:13,347 --> 00:17:15,388
Jonah Ryan has as much
chance of becoming president
467
00:17:15,389 --> 00:17:17,972
as a stack of retarded
raccoons in a trench coat,
468
00:17:17,973 --> 00:17:20,597
but if anyone's crawling out
of our cesspool of a state
469
00:17:20,598 --> 00:17:23,051
to become his Ag Sec, it's
gonna be this pigfucker.
470
00:17:23,052 --> 00:17:25,055
I didn't realize there
was a job requirement.
471
00:17:25,056 --> 00:17:26,681
(crowd chattering)
472
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,638
Oh, my God.
473
00:17:30,639 --> 00:17:34,138
What do you think?
Beige or Tuscan beige?
474
00:17:34,139 --> 00:17:35,513
Tough call.
475
00:17:35,514 --> 00:17:37,889
They are... the same.
476
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,096
And how is the blushing bride?
477
00:17:40,097 --> 00:17:42,263
Mother, come on. Really?
478
00:17:42,264 --> 00:17:44,805
- This is the best I could do.
- Gorgeous.
479
00:17:44,806 --> 00:17:47,805
- You always do this.
- I do what?
480
00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:51,622
- Do you remember my 13th birthday?
- No, I certainly don't.
481
00:17:51,623 --> 00:17:53,569
Do you remember my 16th birthday,
then? Do you remember that?
482
00:17:53,570 --> 00:17:55,482
No, darling. I don't
remember any of them.
483
00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:58,801
Do you remember my high school
graduation, or my college graduation?
484
00:17:58,802 --> 00:18:02,506
I didn't know the theme of the
wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.
485
00:18:02,507 --> 00:18:04,638
- I mean, seriously.
- I'm gonna pause.
486
00:18:04,639 --> 00:18:07,096
Those sandwiches aren't
gonna finger themselves.
487
00:18:07,097 --> 00:18:09,180
- I'll be right back.
- Catherine, I do not
488
00:18:09,181 --> 00:18:12,055
want to fight with you, my darling.
489
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:14,597
- I... I...
- No, honey, listen to me.
490
00:18:14,598 --> 00:18:19,096
I am so very proud of you
491
00:18:19,097 --> 00:18:23,722
and your decision to
get married... here.
492
00:18:23,723 --> 00:18:25,889
- Thank you, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.
493
00:18:25,890 --> 00:18:28,764
And you... You look amazing.
494
00:18:29,973 --> 00:18:33,387
And I'm amazed by your look.
495
00:18:36,043 --> 00:18:38,513
Um, I'm just gonna freshen up.
496
00:18:38,514 --> 00:18:40,014
- OK.
- OK.
497
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:46,055
- (door closes)
- OK, we're all good.
498
00:18:46,056 --> 00:18:48,264
- Where's your mother?
- She went to the bathroom.
499
00:18:50,014 --> 00:18:52,388
- That's not the bathroom.
- Wh...
500
00:18:52,389 --> 00:18:55,388
BALLENTINE: If I could just have a
moment of your time, Congressman.
501
00:18:55,389 --> 00:18:57,430
JONAH: Will you move?
You're blocking the TV.
502
00:18:57,431 --> 00:18:59,430
Sorry. Yeah. I think in
a Ryan administration
503
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:01,857
I could really make a
difference at Agriculture.
504
00:19:01,858 --> 00:19:04,638
Whatever. There isn't gonna be a Dep
of Agriculture. I'm gettin' rid of it.
505
00:19:04,639 --> 00:19:06,640
- What?!
- Richard, who is this guy?
506
00:19:06,641 --> 00:19:09,138
I'm the fucking governor
of Iowa, you nitwit!
507
00:19:09,139 --> 00:19:12,055
And you just cost yourself a
spot in my administration!
508
00:19:12,056 --> 00:19:14,680
- I'll call you a cab, Governor.
- NANCY: Jonah, your dad's here!
509
00:19:14,681 --> 00:19:16,299
- JONAH: Oh, hey, Dad!
- Look who's ready
510
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:17,555
for a chicken pox party!
511
00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:20,013
- Oh, what, I gave my dad chicken pox?
- Second time!
512
00:19:20,014 --> 00:19:22,388
RICHARD: Now I can really
see the family resemblance.
513
00:19:22,389 --> 00:19:23,847
JONAH: Two generations of scabs, yo!
514
00:19:23,848 --> 00:19:26,096
Fuck me with a side of ranch.
515
00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:27,555
See ya back at the office, Governor.
516
00:19:27,556 --> 00:19:29,024
(crowd chattering)
517
00:19:29,025 --> 00:19:30,418
(Catherine moaning)
518
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,263
What has your mother done now?
519
00:19:32,264 --> 00:19:36,388
She used our wedding as a diversion
520
00:19:36,389 --> 00:19:40,096
to escape from the
Norwegian National Police!
521
00:19:40,097 --> 00:19:42,513
Smart. Kitty Cat. It's all right.
522
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,565
We'll just get married
back in the States.
523
00:19:44,566 --> 00:19:48,402
No. We are gonna get married right now,
524
00:19:48,403 --> 00:19:51,430
in Europe, because it's romantic.
525
00:19:51,431 --> 00:19:53,388
Do you wanna maybe...
526
00:19:53,389 --> 00:19:54,805
clean up first?
527
00:19:54,806 --> 00:19:58,096
No. I feel fucking pretty.
528
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,597
- (sobbing)
- GARY: Uh...
529
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:02,638
I'm sorry. Who taught
you to do a smoky eye?
530
00:20:02,639 --> 00:20:06,263
Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC.
531
00:20:06,264 --> 00:20:09,472
Aha. It's not bad.
532
00:20:09,473 --> 00:20:12,309
These tunnels date back to World War II.
533
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:13,340
Really?
534
00:20:13,341 --> 00:20:16,177
Local citizens banded together
in secret to assist the Nazis.
535
00:20:16,178 --> 00:20:19,138
I think we should be underneath
the security perimeter by now.
536
00:20:19,139 --> 00:20:21,430
- How can you tell?
- MURMAN: Ben. Over here.
537
00:20:21,431 --> 00:20:23,305
- BEN: What's that?
- MURMAN: Ben.
538
00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,430
- BEN: Oh!
- SELINA: Murman!
539
00:20:25,431 --> 00:20:27,055
- MURMAN: Selina.
- I am so happy to see you!
540
00:20:27,056 --> 00:20:28,287
You have no idea!
541
00:20:28,288 --> 00:20:30,638
- I have helped many tunnel escapes.
- SELINA: Oh...
542
00:20:30,639 --> 00:20:32,805
- Funny story.
- Oh, here we go.
543
00:20:32,806 --> 00:20:36,472
Once, I told my enemy
it was tunnel escape,
544
00:20:36,473 --> 00:20:38,595
but in fact, I just buried him alive.
545
00:20:38,596 --> 00:20:40,346
- Murman.
- (laughs)
546
00:20:40,347 --> 00:20:43,497
Actually, it was her,
547
00:20:43,498 --> 00:20:46,138
but story is funnier with a man, huh?
548
00:20:46,139 --> 00:20:47,805
In these #MeToo days, you know?
549
00:20:47,806 --> 00:20:50,305
Actually, I think it
could work with a woman.
550
00:20:50,306 --> 00:20:52,388
Either way, it's a very good story.
551
00:20:52,389 --> 00:20:54,388
Beginning, middle and
end. Plus a lesson.
552
00:20:54,389 --> 00:20:59,680
But I would never, ever buried
alive my dear old friend Selina.
553
00:20:59,681 --> 00:21:01,889
Chivalry is not dead, Murman.
554
00:21:01,890 --> 00:21:04,346
No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana,
555
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,055
and she's definitely dead.
556
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:08,513
Yeah, I think the story does
work better with a man.
557
00:21:08,514 --> 00:21:09,972
That was my first instinct.
558
00:21:09,973 --> 00:21:11,263
Well, there you go.
559
00:21:11,264 --> 00:21:13,096
Now, my car will take
you to the airport...
560
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:14,805
- OK.
- And the airplane is waiting
561
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:18,305
to run out of gas and drop
you into the North Sea.
562
00:21:18,306 --> 00:21:19,722
What?
563
00:21:19,723 --> 00:21:21,513
Just kidding.
564
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,013
(laughing)
565
00:21:23,014 --> 00:21:25,847
- You are bad.
- You believed me!
566
00:21:25,848 --> 00:21:27,513
BEN: Ha! You got us.
567
00:21:27,514 --> 00:21:29,472
SELINA: I want to make one quick stop
568
00:21:29,473 --> 00:21:30,805
on the way to the airport.
569
00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:32,346
- BEN: What?
- Yeah, I wanna just pop in
570
00:21:32,347 --> 00:21:34,055
and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.
571
00:21:34,056 --> 00:21:36,930
Ma'am, that's the Nobel
Prize of bad ideas!
572
00:21:36,931 --> 00:21:38,889
- No, that's economics, OK?
- KENT: We need to be out
573
00:21:38,890 --> 00:21:40,555
of this jurisdiction immediately!
574
00:21:40,556 --> 00:21:42,096
Oh, please, I've got America on my side,
575
00:21:42,097 --> 00:21:44,055
and America doesn't give
a shit about anything!
576
00:21:44,056 --> 00:21:45,889
KENT: The Hague gives a shit.
577
00:21:45,890 --> 00:21:47,889
BEN: We are not in America. We
just crawled out of a drain!
578
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:50,055
- SELINA: Wait, what?
- BEN: We're not in America right now.
579
00:21:50,056 --> 00:21:51,138
BEN: For cryin' out loud.
580
00:21:51,139 --> 00:21:52,722
OK, look, call Leon right now.
581
00:21:52,723 --> 00:21:54,889
Tell him to get his dick out
of whatever homeless woman
582
00:21:54,890 --> 00:21:56,472
froze to death in front of the hotel,
583
00:21:56,473 --> 00:21:58,388
meet us over there with
the speech. Let's go!
584
00:21:58,389 --> 00:21:59,786
Call him, call him, call him!
585
00:22:01,764 --> 00:22:04,722
(typing on laptop)
586
00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:06,972
Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to
work at the White House.
587
00:22:06,973 --> 00:22:08,847
You barely worked at the White House.
588
00:22:08,848 --> 00:22:10,764
(gasps) Ho ho ho ho!
589
00:22:10,765 --> 00:22:13,555
Oh, Ames, I almost offered
to help your career,
590
00:22:13,556 --> 00:22:15,430
then bang you and tell
everybody in the office
591
00:22:15,431 --> 00:22:16,764
you're an unstable slut.
592
00:22:16,765 --> 00:22:18,597
It's a new dress.
593
00:22:22,681 --> 00:22:23,889
BETH: Come on, come on.
594
00:22:23,890 --> 00:22:25,513
Dumb child locks.
595
00:22:25,514 --> 00:22:27,973
- Need some help?
- Thank you so much.
596
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,305
How long have you been taking these?
597
00:22:31,306 --> 00:22:33,805
Ever since Jonah whacked me
on the nose at the rally,
598
00:22:33,806 --> 00:22:35,805
but the pain went away in two days.
599
00:22:35,806 --> 00:22:37,764
They gave me 97 pills, though,
600
00:22:37,765 --> 00:22:39,263
so now I've just been taking 'em
601
00:22:39,264 --> 00:22:41,263
for the going-away of my feelings.
602
00:22:41,264 --> 00:22:42,597
So you're not pregnant.
603
00:22:42,598 --> 00:22:44,930
Oh, no. Jonah and I don't
want any more kids
604
00:22:44,931 --> 00:22:47,722
until I can get my cake pop
business off the ground.
605
00:22:47,723 --> 00:22:49,138
And we can do genetic testing
606
00:22:49,139 --> 00:22:51,346
to make sure they're not born dead.
607
00:22:51,347 --> 00:22:53,096
- Hey, Jonie.
- Yeah?
608
00:22:53,097 --> 00:22:56,180
Right now you have a
historic opportunity
609
00:22:56,181 --> 00:22:59,513
to speak to our better natures,
bring the country together.
610
00:22:59,514 --> 00:23:02,263
But to do that, I think
you have to tone down
611
00:23:02,264 --> 00:23:05,514
the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit.
612
00:23:06,806 --> 00:23:08,472
I have kinda pushed it, haven't I?
613
00:23:08,473 --> 00:23:10,639
A little bit, Jonie.
614
00:23:12,806 --> 00:23:14,472
OK, Dad. Yeah, I will.
615
00:23:14,473 --> 00:23:17,638
Yeah. OK.
616
00:23:17,639 --> 00:23:19,138
Hey, Mom, will you
make us some pancakes?
617
00:23:19,139 --> 00:23:21,472
- Ooh! Banana pancakes.
- Yeah, banana pancakes.
618
00:23:21,473 --> 00:23:24,180
I don't think I have any eggs.
619
00:23:24,181 --> 00:23:25,472
- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!
620
00:23:25,473 --> 00:23:27,972
Go to the store to make pancakes!
621
00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:29,638
BOTH: Pancakes! Pancakes!
622
00:23:29,639 --> 00:23:31,346
Jonah, I think that...
623
00:23:31,347 --> 00:23:33,305
Oh, my God! Lloyd!
624
00:23:33,306 --> 00:23:34,972
- Dad?
- Oh, my God! Call 9-1-1!
625
00:23:34,973 --> 00:23:37,138
- Dad!
- RICHARD: Make sure his nose is wet!
626
00:23:37,139 --> 00:23:39,138
- What?
- Uh, that's for dogs.
627
00:23:39,139 --> 00:23:41,013
SELINA: Let's go. We gotta move.
628
00:23:41,014 --> 00:23:43,013
We gotta get this thing
and get to the airport.
629
00:23:43,014 --> 00:23:45,346
- SELINA: President Lu!
- Oh.
630
00:23:45,347 --> 00:23:47,013
You're a hard man to get ahold of.
631
00:23:47,014 --> 00:23:49,638
- (speaking Mandarin)
- (repeats same in Mandarin)
632
00:23:49,639 --> 00:23:52,680
Are we really doing this again?
We all know he speaks English.
633
00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:54,972
- (speaks Mandarin)
- I like your hair like that.
634
00:23:54,973 --> 00:23:56,805
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
635
00:23:56,806 --> 00:24:00,180
Selina Meyer. Why am I not
surprised to see you? Sit, please.
636
00:24:00,181 --> 00:24:04,055
Lookit, Lu, we have always been
able to do business together.
637
00:24:04,056 --> 00:24:07,180
If I'm elected, the U.S. is gonna import
638
00:24:07,181 --> 00:24:10,305
a shit-ton more of your
tainted baby formula
639
00:24:10,306 --> 00:24:11,680
and defective drywall.
640
00:24:11,681 --> 00:24:13,309
- A little secret.
- What?
641
00:24:13,310 --> 00:24:15,036
Different label, same product.
642
00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:16,221
Islands.
643
00:24:16,222 --> 00:24:17,284
Islands.
644
00:24:17,285 --> 00:24:18,930
Any islands you want, Lu.
645
00:24:18,931 --> 00:24:22,601
Diaoyu, Spratly... Florida
Keys, even. (laughs)
646
00:24:23,233 --> 00:24:25,858
President Montez has been
a great friend to China.
647
00:24:26,239 --> 00:24:28,889
Our loyalty to her is
unshakeable. I'm sorry.
648
00:24:30,055 --> 00:24:31,484
You can have Tibet.
649
00:24:32,268 --> 00:24:33,473
What?
650
00:24:33,874 --> 00:24:35,180
Yeah.
651
00:24:35,181 --> 00:24:36,555
You can have Tibet back.
652
00:24:36,556 --> 00:24:38,307
Are you fucking kidding me?
653
00:24:38,308 --> 00:24:40,722
No. Right after the election,
you can have it back.
654
00:24:40,723 --> 00:24:44,597
I mean, I'll have to condemn your
actions publically, of course.
655
00:24:44,598 --> 00:24:45,790
Of course.
656
00:24:45,791 --> 00:24:48,013
But then we'll propose
a U.N. resolution,
657
00:24:48,014 --> 00:24:49,555
- you'll veto it...
- I will.
658
00:24:49,556 --> 00:24:51,513
Then, ya know, have at it.
659
00:24:51,514 --> 00:24:53,555
Is being president in a
democracy even that great?
660
00:24:53,556 --> 00:24:56,597
- Well, it's barely a democracy, so...
- I agree with that.
661
00:24:56,598 --> 00:24:58,805
I got a thing to get. Do
we have a deal, or...?
662
00:24:58,806 --> 00:25:00,346
- Sure.
- I knew it.
663
00:25:00,347 --> 00:25:02,305
- Yeah. We're good.
- You're a good man.
664
00:25:02,306 --> 00:25:04,263
I like it. You look good in a bowtie.
665
00:25:04,264 --> 00:25:05,325
Everything OK in here?
666
00:25:05,326 --> 00:25:06,472
SELINA: Oh, you bet.
667
00:25:06,473 --> 00:25:07,930
'Cause you're my lapdog now.
668
00:25:07,931 --> 00:25:09,472
- OK.
- Yeah.
669
00:25:09,473 --> 00:25:11,472
I thought I would take just
a few moments of your time
670
00:25:11,473 --> 00:25:16,263
to remind you of the plight of the
Azerbaijani minority in Georgia...
671
00:25:16,264 --> 00:25:18,305
SELINA: I'm here!
672
00:25:18,306 --> 00:25:19,764
- (applause)
- Thank you!
673
00:25:19,765 --> 00:25:21,930
I'm here! Thank you!
674
00:25:21,931 --> 00:25:23,889
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, thank you!
675
00:25:23,890 --> 00:25:26,055
It's very perilous for you to be here.
676
00:25:26,056 --> 00:25:27,722
Thank you so much! Thank you!
677
00:25:27,723 --> 00:25:29,430
- I don't think you should...
- Give it.
678
00:25:29,431 --> 00:25:32,889
Thank you so much for that
wonderful introduction.
679
00:25:32,890 --> 00:25:35,221
- (applause dies down)
- Thank you.
680
00:25:35,222 --> 00:25:37,096
When the committee called
681
00:25:37,097 --> 00:25:40,771
to tell me I would be receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize...
682
00:25:40,772 --> 00:25:42,805
(low) Summit award...
683
00:25:42,806 --> 00:25:46,638
I considered telling
them I didn't want it.
684
00:25:46,639 --> 00:25:50,013
You see, it's never been important to me
685
00:25:50,014 --> 00:25:52,430
to be honored publically.
686
00:25:52,431 --> 00:25:55,597
But I decided to come tonight.
687
00:25:55,598 --> 00:25:57,180
Not for myself,
688
00:25:57,181 --> 00:25:59,180
but for the country of...
689
00:26:00,639 --> 00:26:02,055
Tibet.
690
00:26:03,180 --> 00:26:04,847
Imagine a world
691
00:26:04,848 --> 00:26:08,346
where Tibet were not free.
692
00:26:09,347 --> 00:26:11,415
Imagine that.
693
00:26:11,416 --> 00:26:14,472
And one of the world's
great human treasures,
694
00:26:14,473 --> 00:26:16,555
Tibet's lamas,
695
00:26:16,556 --> 00:26:20,638
like these right here
sitting in the front row,
696
00:26:21,089 --> 00:26:23,055
looking at me...
697
00:26:24,597 --> 00:26:29,305
would certainly be
imprisoned and tortured
698
00:26:29,306 --> 00:26:33,222
in the most vicious ways imaginable...
699
00:26:34,597 --> 00:26:37,055
possibly even k-illed.
700
00:26:38,723 --> 00:26:41,013
Oh, God Almighty. I...
701
00:26:41,014 --> 00:26:44,138
So maybe I should just wrap this up.
702
00:26:44,139 --> 00:26:46,513
Shall we scroll, um, ahead, please?
703
00:26:46,514 --> 00:26:47,680
Could you just... Yes.
704
00:26:47,681 --> 00:26:49,305
Wait... Yes.
705
00:26:49,306 --> 00:26:52,638
Tibet must always be free.
706
00:26:52,639 --> 00:26:55,180
Free today, free tomorrow,
707
00:26:55,181 --> 00:26:57,221
free forever. Oh, God.
708
00:26:57,222 --> 00:26:58,472
- (applause)
- Thank you.
709
00:26:58,473 --> 00:26:59,680
MAN: Wonderful!
710
00:26:59,681 --> 00:27:02,805
- Photos, please.
- Oh.
711
00:27:02,806 --> 00:27:04,137
OK.
712
00:27:04,138 --> 00:27:05,847
No one's ever gonna forget that speech.
713
00:27:05,848 --> 00:27:07,221
You're fired.
714
00:27:07,222 --> 00:27:09,221
All right, let's get out of here.
715
00:27:09,222 --> 00:27:10,805
Take this piece of shit.
716
00:27:10,806 --> 00:27:13,555
Stop. Selina, stop. You
give me no choice...
717
00:27:13,556 --> 00:27:14,847
Goodbye, Minna.
718
00:27:14,848 --> 00:27:17,305
Wow, talk about inhumane droning.
719
00:27:17,306 --> 00:27:18,722
I guess I've got a type.
720
00:27:18,723 --> 00:27:20,138
AMY: Dan?
721
00:27:20,139 --> 00:27:22,180
- Hi.
- So nice to see you...
722
00:27:22,181 --> 00:27:24,805
- (kissing)
- on this sad occasion.
723
00:27:24,806 --> 00:27:27,555
So I thought maybe we
could get a drink and...
724
00:27:27,556 --> 00:27:31,013
Oh, sorry. Ames, this is
Layla, my girlfriend.
725
00:27:31,014 --> 00:27:34,889
It just feels so weird saying
that out loud. I can't help it.
726
00:27:34,890 --> 00:27:36,388
- LAYLA: Hello.
- Hi.
727
00:27:36,389 --> 00:27:37,597
Layla's an OB-GYN.
728
00:27:37,598 --> 00:27:39,680
I know what she does.
729
00:27:39,681 --> 00:27:41,013
Oh, God, of course.
730
00:27:41,014 --> 00:27:42,764
You guys have... Have already met.
731
00:27:42,765 --> 00:27:44,180
Classic Egan.
732
00:27:44,181 --> 00:27:45,764
(awkward chuckles)
733
00:27:45,765 --> 00:27:47,013
Are you OK here?
734
00:27:47,014 --> 00:27:48,222
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? OK.
735
00:27:49,639 --> 00:27:51,180
DAN: What's up, man?
736
00:27:51,181 --> 00:27:53,180
So, how was your follow-up appointment?
737
00:27:53,181 --> 00:27:56,346
Less of a metal tube
up my vag than this.
738
00:27:56,347 --> 00:27:58,388
WOMAN: I'm so sorry, Nancy.
739
00:27:58,389 --> 00:28:01,346
Adult chicken pox can be very serious.
740
00:28:01,347 --> 00:28:03,013
(crying) Thank you for coming.
741
00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:04,597
Don't blame yourself, Jonah.
742
00:28:04,598 --> 00:28:06,764
- It's not your fault.
- Uh...
743
00:28:06,765 --> 00:28:09,430
(sobbing)
744
00:28:09,431 --> 00:28:11,597
Can you get her a pill or
something and calm her down?
745
00:28:11,598 --> 00:28:14,430
I don't want diazepam,
I want something good.
746
00:28:14,431 --> 00:28:17,346
- OK.
- Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that.
747
00:28:17,347 --> 00:28:20,138
- OK. Oh, God.
- Jonie, Jonie.
748
00:28:20,139 --> 00:28:21,764
I'm just so sorry.
749
00:28:21,765 --> 00:28:24,889
Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
I really appreciate that.
750
00:28:24,890 --> 00:28:27,680
Sorry you killed your own father
and I wasn't there to see it!
751
00:28:27,681 --> 00:28:29,931
(laughing)
752
00:28:32,848 --> 00:28:35,263
- Sorry!
- Uncle Jeff.
753
00:28:35,264 --> 00:28:37,305
Could you please stop laughing?
754
00:28:37,306 --> 00:28:39,180
I can't!
755
00:28:39,181 --> 00:28:41,180
I can't believe you
gave him chicken pox.
756
00:28:41,181 --> 00:28:43,305
I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy.
757
00:28:43,306 --> 00:28:45,180
(laughing)
758
00:28:47,097 --> 00:28:49,138
(Richard chuckling)
759
00:28:49,139 --> 00:28:52,555
It's not funny, but his
laughter is infectious.
760
00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:53,805
I can't breathe!
761
00:28:53,806 --> 00:28:55,556
(cackling)
762
00:28:56,973 --> 00:28:58,972
- I can't breathe!
- Mr. Kane,
763
00:28:58,973 --> 00:29:00,930
you're gonna come with me.
764
00:29:00,931 --> 00:29:04,263
Here's my hotel key. If you
got a dick, I'll pay double.
765
00:29:04,264 --> 00:29:06,805
JONAH: OK, everybody can
come in and take a seat.
766
00:29:06,806 --> 00:29:08,638
- Hey, babe.
- I love you.
767
00:29:08,639 --> 00:29:10,221
Love you too.
768
00:29:10,222 --> 00:29:13,180
So first off, I guess, thanks,
everybody, for coming.
769
00:29:13,181 --> 00:29:16,346
And, um, as most of you know,
770
00:29:16,347 --> 00:29:18,305
I didn't get a lot of time with my dad,
771
00:29:18,306 --> 00:29:20,930
but I think in the time
that I did have with him
772
00:29:20,931 --> 00:29:23,513
I realized what a stupid loser he was.
773
00:29:23,514 --> 00:29:26,346
He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom.
774
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:28,889
All he ever did, actually,
was run out on us.
775
00:29:28,890 --> 00:29:32,055
First, all those years
ago, and now by dying.
776
00:29:32,056 --> 00:29:33,786
BETH: Whoa...
777
00:29:33,787 --> 00:29:35,972
And I guess I don't even know
if I liked him that much,
778
00:29:35,973 --> 00:29:38,638
because he probably woulda sucked
like all of my other step-dads.
779
00:29:38,639 --> 00:29:42,972
And I don't care that he's dead,
because I am very strong.
780
00:29:42,973 --> 00:29:44,209
BETH: You're so beautiful.
781
00:29:44,210 --> 00:29:45,680
We're having cake pops
at the house later.
782
00:29:45,681 --> 00:29:47,675
- BETH: Who wants to go dancing?
- I'm leaving. This place sucks.
783
00:29:47,676 --> 00:29:49,285
My husband's right there.
784
00:29:49,286 --> 00:29:51,055
Richard, that bastard Ballentine,
785
00:29:51,056 --> 00:29:54,263
he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
786
00:29:54,264 --> 00:29:57,513
He went blind with partial
paralysis and has to step down.
787
00:29:57,514 --> 00:29:58,847
Oh, my God, that's awful.
788
00:29:58,848 --> 00:30:01,013
No! That makes me... I mean, you,
789
00:30:01,014 --> 00:30:02,930
the governor of Iowa!
790
00:30:02,931 --> 00:30:05,513
- Congratulations to us both.
- Oh, my God.
791
00:30:05,514 --> 00:30:07,513
SELINA: So listen, you guys,
792
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,013
we have to start thinking
about the convention.
793
00:30:09,014 --> 00:30:10,513
- Sure do.
- And possible veep candidates.
794
00:30:10,514 --> 00:30:12,555
There are a lot of
people I want to snub.
795
00:30:12,556 --> 00:30:13,617
- Ma'am.
- Yeah?
796
00:30:13,618 --> 00:30:15,138
Check this out.
797
00:30:15,139 --> 00:30:17,055
SELINA: Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
798
00:30:17,056 --> 00:30:18,388
Governor Splett.
799
00:30:18,389 --> 00:30:20,013
- SELINA: No!
- KENT: Yeah.
800
00:30:20,014 --> 00:30:21,388
- (protestors shouting)
- SELINA: What the hell?
801
00:30:21,389 --> 00:30:22,889
What's going on here?
802
00:30:22,890 --> 00:30:25,722
I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits
803
00:30:25,723 --> 00:30:27,055
about the drone strike.
804
00:30:27,056 --> 00:30:28,889
This is about killing elephants.
805
00:30:28,890 --> 00:30:31,472
There's two things Americans
don't like to see get hurt:
806
00:30:31,473 --> 00:30:33,847
animals, and white
girls on spring break.
807
00:30:33,848 --> 00:30:34,951
KENT: The story is everywhere.
808
00:30:34,952 --> 00:30:36,305
Peggy Noonan has a column
809
00:30:36,306 --> 00:30:38,722
about Babar and American exceptionalism.
810
00:30:38,723 --> 00:30:40,180
She's a dumb cunt.
811
00:30:40,181 --> 00:30:42,305
Is this gonna affect
my numbers, ya think?
812
00:30:42,306 --> 00:30:43,597
Yes.
813
00:30:43,598 --> 00:30:45,972
(protesters shouting)
814
00:30:45,973 --> 00:30:47,597
Oh, my God!
815
00:30:48,806 --> 00:30:50,096
He's giving me the finger.
816
00:30:50,097 --> 00:30:51,847
Look. See?
817
00:30:51,848 --> 00:30:53,305
(protesters shouting)
818
00:30:53,306 --> 00:30:54,889
As many of you know,
819
00:30:54,890 --> 00:30:57,388
it has been a difficult week for me
820
00:30:57,389 --> 00:30:59,346
with the death of my dumb father
821
00:30:59,347 --> 00:31:01,764
and my hot wife going into rehab.
822
00:31:01,765 --> 00:31:03,430
Which, when you think about it,
823
00:31:03,431 --> 00:31:05,764
kinda makes her hotter, ya know?
824
00:31:05,765 --> 00:31:09,430
But with the Lord's
help, I got through it.
825
00:31:09,431 --> 00:31:10,722
(applause)
826
00:31:10,723 --> 00:31:12,263
And when I say Lord,
827
00:31:12,264 --> 00:31:15,305
I mean Jesus Christ Almighty,
not the Jewish one.
828
00:31:15,306 --> 00:31:17,347
(cheers, applause)
829
00:31:18,723 --> 00:31:20,430
Now, there has been a lot of debate
830
00:31:20,431 --> 00:31:24,305
about whether vaccines do
or do not kill people.
831
00:31:24,306 --> 00:31:26,472
And they do... That's just science.
832
00:31:26,473 --> 00:31:30,555
But the other real
killer... is diseases.
833
00:31:30,556 --> 00:31:33,805
And how do these diseases
get into America?
834
00:31:33,806 --> 00:31:35,722
- ALL: How?
- Immigrants.
835
00:31:35,723 --> 00:31:37,597
- MAN: Kill 'em!
- Yeah... Well, I mean,
836
00:31:37,598 --> 00:31:39,305
we don't have to kill all of 'em.
837
00:31:39,306 --> 00:31:41,555
There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé?
838
00:31:41,556 --> 00:31:43,805
Ms. Brookheimer, do you
have anything to eat?
839
00:31:43,806 --> 00:31:47,889
- Um, I've got gum and Advil.
- Ugh.
840
00:31:47,890 --> 00:31:50,930
He had this carne asada that
I think was a family recipe.
841
00:31:50,931 --> 00:31:52,138
That guy stays.
842
00:31:52,139 --> 00:31:55,430
But we are not going to stop diseases
843
00:31:55,431 --> 00:32:00,013
unless we close our borders!
844
00:32:00,014 --> 00:32:01,305
- ALL: Yeah!
- From now on,
845
00:32:01,306 --> 00:32:03,889
no one in, no one out!
846
00:32:03,890 --> 00:32:07,680
Thank you. No one in, no one out!
847
00:32:07,681 --> 00:32:09,180
(knock on door)
848
00:32:09,181 --> 00:32:12,138
- What? Wh-Who's there?
- It's Richard.
849
00:32:12,139 --> 00:32:14,138
- Who? Ohh.
- Governor Richard Splett?
850
00:32:14,139 --> 00:32:18,263
- Ohh.
- We brought you some flowers.
851
00:32:18,264 --> 00:32:19,889
Word is out on you, Splett.
852
00:32:19,890 --> 00:32:21,513
You're living proof
853
00:32:21,514 --> 00:32:24,513
that the worst people in
politics always succeed.
854
00:32:24,514 --> 00:32:27,889
I'll tell ya something else,
Splett. Listen carefully.
855
00:32:27,890 --> 00:32:30,305
Someday you'll be an
old man, and you'll...
856
00:32:30,306 --> 00:32:32,346
Governor, now that
you're a super-delegate,
857
00:32:32,347 --> 00:32:34,133
have you given any thought as
858
00:32:34,134 --> 00:32:35,764
to who you're gonna be
endorsing at the convention?
859
00:32:35,765 --> 00:32:37,680
Isn't there any way I can
endorse all of them?
860
00:32:37,681 --> 00:32:41,097
- (laughter)
- All right, thank you guys so much.
861
00:32:41,098 --> 00:32:44,095
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.MY-SUBS.com
862
00:32:44,096 --> 00:32:45,430
Pull up a chair, Splett.
863
00:32:45,431 --> 00:32:48,305
I've never told anyone this before.
864
00:32:49,389 --> 00:32:52,388
I have a daughter in California.
865
00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:55,055
She doesn't know anything about me.
866
00:32:55,056 --> 00:32:58,431
I've seen photographs...
on the internet.
867
00:32:58,907 --> 00:33:00,132
Did President Meyer find a way
868
00:33:00,133 --> 00:33:02,722
to steal the nomination from me
like she stole South Carolina?
869
00:33:02,723 --> 00:33:05,472
If you can't figure out how
to steal South Carolina,
870
00:33:05,473 --> 00:33:07,264
you have no business being president.
871
00:33:08,097 --> 00:33:10,139
I'm not gonna let them
take this from me.
872
00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:13,973
I was right! I should be president!
873
00:33:15,180 --> 00:33:16,472
That's not funny, Kent.
874
00:33:16,473 --> 00:33:18,639
I haven't been funny since 1987.
875
00:33:19,014 --> 00:33:20,889
I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
876
00:33:20,890 --> 00:33:23,014
I don't even like to change planes here.
877
00:33:23,514 --> 00:33:26,472
♪ (dramatic music plays) ♪
878
00:33:27,347 --> 00:33:29,472
I just wanna be president.
879
00:33:30,264 --> 00:33:31,973
Do you want six almonds?
880
00:33:32,347 --> 00:33:33,514
(screaming) No!
881
00:33:34,014 --> 00:33:35,764
♪ (music concludes) ♪