00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,314 --> 00:00:02,714 (funeral march): ♪ Men, men, men, men ♪ 2 00:00:02,716 --> 00:00:07,302 ♪ Men, men, men, men, men, men, men. ♪ 3 00:00:07,304 --> 00:00:08,303 Hello. 4 00:00:08,305 --> 00:00:10,589 I'm Charlie's brother Alan. 5 00:00:10,591 --> 00:00:12,891 I want to thank you all for coming. 6 00:00:12,893 --> 00:00:13,892 I know this is 7 00:00:13,894 --> 00:00:15,877 a very sad day for all of us. 8 00:00:15,879 --> 00:00:17,378 Speak for yourself. 9 00:00:18,898 --> 00:00:20,315 Okay. 10 00:00:20,317 --> 00:00:25,854 Uh, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings." 11 00:00:25,856 --> 00:00:29,741 Um... but I think we can all agree 12 00:00:29,743 --> 00:00:31,860 that Charlie lived life to its fullest 13 00:00:31,862 --> 00:00:34,062 and-and gave it everything he had. 14 00:00:34,064 --> 00:00:35,747 Gave me herpes. 15 00:00:37,399 --> 00:00:39,250 Chlamydia. 16 00:00:39,252 --> 00:00:41,086 Vaginal warts. 17 00:00:42,905 --> 00:00:46,041 Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about. 18 00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:49,377 I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone, 19 00:00:49,379 --> 00:00:53,181 leaving me with nothing but my memories and my regrets 20 00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:55,467 and the listing for his beautiful beachfront 21 00:00:55,469 --> 00:00:57,418 Malibu getaway with three bedrooms 22 00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:59,020 and three and a half baths 23 00:00:59,022 --> 00:01:01,690 and a beautiful panoramic ocean view. 24 00:01:01,692 --> 00:01:02,857 (sniffles) 25 00:01:02,859 --> 00:01:05,860 Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn. 26 00:01:07,396 --> 00:01:08,813 Thank you, Mom. 27 00:01:08,815 --> 00:01:10,231 Um, anyway... 28 00:01:10,233 --> 00:01:13,101 Open house is Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00. 29 00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:16,437 Okay. 30 00:01:16,439 --> 00:01:20,825 Um, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother, 31 00:01:20,827 --> 00:01:23,461 um, and his incredible love for life. 32 00:01:23,463 --> 00:01:25,997 He also loved being spanked. 33 00:01:25,999 --> 00:01:28,282 While wearing my panties. 34 00:01:29,418 --> 00:01:31,920 He used my panties to make tea. 35 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:41,462 M-My point is, um, that Charlie lived life on his own terms 36 00:01:41,464 --> 00:01:44,849 and-and never apologized for who he was. 37 00:01:44,851 --> 00:01:46,151 Yeah, blah, blah, blah. 38 00:01:46,153 --> 00:01:47,919 Why can't we see the body? 39 00:01:49,471 --> 00:01:52,190 Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin. 40 00:01:52,192 --> 00:01:54,142 Okay, I understand how you feel, 41 00:01:54,144 --> 00:01:57,412 but unfortunately due to the circumstances of his passing, 44 00:02:03,837 --> 00:02:05,370 O-Okay. 45 00:02:05,372 --> 00:02:08,089 Uh, I wasn't planning on doing a Q and A, 46 00:02:08,091 --> 00:02:09,424 uh, but go ahead. 47 00:02:09,426 --> 00:02:10,925 Thank you. 48 00:02:10,927 --> 00:02:13,795 Charlie owes me $38,000 for some, 49 00:02:13,797 --> 00:02:15,513 let's say, pharmaceuticals. 50 00:02:16,932 --> 00:02:19,100 Who do I talk to about that? 51 00:02:19,102 --> 00:02:21,603 Uh, well, I think that's something 52 00:02:21,605 --> 00:02:23,271 you'll have to discuss with the lawyers. 53 00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:24,305 Yeah. 54 00:02:24,307 --> 00:02:26,858 I'd rather not involve the law. 55 00:02:26,860 --> 00:02:31,062 And now, uh, I thought we'd take this moment 56 00:02:31,064 --> 00:02:34,515 to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end. 57 00:02:44,627 --> 00:02:46,294 Thank you, Alan. 58 00:02:47,997 --> 00:02:50,799 Charlie Harper was the love of my life 59 00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:53,001 and a wonderful, wonderful man. 60 00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:55,003 (sneezes): Selfish pig. 61 00:02:56,555 --> 00:03:00,141 Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs 62 00:03:00,143 --> 00:03:02,260 and the occasional restraining order. 63 00:03:02,262 --> 00:03:03,812 But at the end, 64 00:03:03,814 --> 00:03:08,917 we ran away together to Paris, where he asked me to marry him. 65 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:10,785 I said yes. 66 00:03:10,787 --> 00:03:14,656 And the next few days were the happiest of my life. 67 00:03:14,658 --> 00:03:16,324 Nothing could spoil it. 68 00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,243 Not even when I came home from shopping 69 00:03:18,245 --> 00:03:21,012 and found him taking a shower with another woman. 70 00:03:21,014 --> 00:03:22,063 (crowd murmuring) 71 00:03:22,065 --> 00:03:25,066 That's our Charlie. 72 00:03:26,735 --> 00:03:29,237 But I forgave him 73 00:03:29,239 --> 00:03:32,474 because I loved him unconditionally. 74 00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:36,077 So you can imagine my horror when, the very next day, 75 00:03:36,079 --> 00:03:37,462 he slipped on the Metro platform 76 00:03:37,464 --> 00:03:39,681 and fell in front of an oncoming train. 77 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,968 Never cross a crazy woman. 78 00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:48,273 I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer. 79 00:03:48,275 --> 00:03:52,627 His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat. 80 00:03:53,762 --> 00:03:56,381 Thank you. 81 00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:01,903 I'm hungry. 82 00:04:01,905 --> 00:04:04,272 Anyone else hungry? 83 00:04:04,274 --> 00:04:07,108 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 84 00:04:07,110 --> 00:04:09,217 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 85 00:04:09,218 --> 00:04:11,118 ♪ Two and a Half Men 9x01 ♪ Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt Original Air Date on September 19, 2010 86 00:04:11,119 --> 00:04:13,019 == sync, corrected by elderman == 87 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,536 ♪ Men. ♪ 88 00:04:16,124 --> 00:04:19,326 Charlie was the best boss I ever had. 89 00:04:19,328 --> 00:04:23,063 I needed a day off, "Sure, Berta, no problem." 90 00:04:23,065 --> 00:04:24,431 I needed a couple 91 00:04:24,433 --> 00:04:25,766 extra bucks, 92 00:04:25,768 --> 00:04:28,302 "Sure, Berta, no problem." 93 00:04:28,304 --> 00:04:31,222 All he ever asked in return was clean sheets 94 00:04:31,224 --> 00:04:35,643 and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker. 95 00:04:39,181 --> 00:04:40,831 What a beautiful story. 96 00:04:42,017 --> 00:04:44,735 Can I count on you to keep the house clean till I sell it? 97 00:04:44,737 --> 00:04:46,887 Can I count on you to keep paying me? 98 00:04:46,889 --> 00:04:49,456 Well, there's virtually no money in Charlie's estate, 99 00:04:49,458 --> 00:04:51,909 but I'll be happy to pay you once the house sells. 100 00:04:51,911 --> 00:04:53,961 Then that's when I'll clean it. 101 00:04:54,863 --> 00:04:56,614 I still don't see why we have to sell. 102 00:04:56,616 --> 00:04:57,898 I mean, he left it to me. 103 00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,233 Obviously, he wanted me to have it. 104 00:04:59,235 --> 00:05:00,518 Can you make the mortgage payments? 105 00:05:00,543 --> 00:05:01,436 No. 106 00:05:01,437 --> 00:05:03,237 Can you pay the property tax? 107 00:05:03,239 --> 00:05:05,405 Not per se. 108 00:05:05,407 --> 00:05:07,458 But I was kind of hoping you'd help out. 109 00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:10,177 I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time. 110 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,696 (farts) 111 00:05:14,099 --> 00:05:16,767 Good job raising him. 112 00:05:16,769 --> 00:05:20,771 Uh, darling, I can't afford to maintain my house 113 00:05:20,773 --> 00:05:22,723 and your house at the same time. 114 00:05:22,725 --> 00:05:24,308 But you're my mommy. 115 00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:27,895 Good job raising him. 116 00:05:28,914 --> 00:05:32,149 Once I sell this place, you can come live with me. 117 00:05:32,151 --> 00:05:33,433 But why would I have to? 118 00:05:33,435 --> 00:05:35,486 I mean, won't I get a lot of money from the sale? 119 00:05:35,488 --> 00:05:38,789 Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages on this place. 120 00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:41,408 Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees 121 00:05:41,410 --> 00:05:43,627 and my commission, you'll be lucky to break even. 122 00:05:43,629 --> 00:05:45,579 Wait a minute, you're planning to take a commission? 123 00:05:45,581 --> 00:05:46,747 She doesn't work for free. 124 00:05:46,749 --> 00:05:48,215 Why should I? 125 00:05:51,386 --> 00:05:55,589 Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody. 126 00:05:55,591 --> 00:05:56,840 ♪ Men. ♪ 127 00:05:56,842 --> 00:05:59,009 (doorbell rings) 128 00:05:59,928 --> 00:06:01,562 Hi. I'm here for the open house. 129 00:06:01,564 --> 00:06:02,980 Of course. Come right in. 130 00:06:02,982 --> 00:06:04,265 Thank you. 131 00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:07,134 Three bedrooms, three and a half baths, 132 00:06:07,136 --> 00:06:09,820 60 feet of prime Malibu oceanfront. 133 00:06:09,822 --> 00:06:12,072 Wait a minute, I know this place. 134 00:06:12,074 --> 00:06:13,524 This is Charlie Harper's place, right? 135 00:06:13,526 --> 00:06:14,491 It was. 136 00:06:14,493 --> 00:06:15,609 Then I can't buy it. 137 00:06:15,611 --> 00:06:17,278 Uh... 138 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,262 What? Why? 139 00:06:18,264 --> 00:06:19,446 Bad memories. 140 00:06:19,448 --> 00:06:20,748 Charlie and I had this 141 00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:23,483 drunken threesome with a crazy chick right on this couch. 142 00:06:23,485 --> 00:06:25,002 Sounds like a good memory. 143 00:06:25,004 --> 00:06:27,121 Yeah, well, unfortunately she passed out 144 00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:29,273 and Charlie and I kept going without her. 145 00:06:30,592 --> 00:06:32,492 Bad memory. 146 00:06:33,278 --> 00:06:36,263 Oh, the feng shui is great. 147 00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:39,283 I mean, the place just oozes positive energy. 148 00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,138 It's not practical. 149 00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:46,106 The commute downtown would kill me. 150 00:06:46,108 --> 00:06:47,441 Don't worry, sweetie. 151 00:06:47,443 --> 00:06:48,726 Just let the universe provide. 152 00:06:48,728 --> 00:06:50,677 The universe doesn't provide, I provide. 153 00:06:50,679 --> 00:06:52,963 I bust my ass 80 hours a week. 154 00:06:52,965 --> 00:06:54,365 Uh-oh. 155 00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:57,034 Sounds like somebody needs to meditate. 156 00:06:57,036 --> 00:06:58,152 Uh-oh. 157 00:06:58,154 --> 00:07:00,454 Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce. 158 00:07:00,456 --> 00:07:01,622 Really? 159 00:07:01,624 --> 00:07:03,023 You want to play that card? 160 00:07:03,025 --> 00:07:05,525 'Cause I will take you and your uptight bourgeois family 161 00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:07,745 for every penny you've got. 162 00:07:07,747 --> 00:07:08,962 Bye-bye! 163 00:07:11,466 --> 00:07:13,717 Bye-bye! 164 00:07:16,521 --> 00:07:18,222 What a fun couple. 165 00:07:19,808 --> 00:07:21,041 ♪ Men. ♪ 166 00:07:21,043 --> 00:07:22,426 (doorbell rings) 167 00:07:22,428 --> 00:07:24,878 Sorry, the open house is over. 168 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,648 I got a package for Alan Harper. 169 00:07:27,650 --> 00:07:28,882 Oh, uh, that's me. 170 00:07:28,884 --> 00:07:29,733 Sign here. 171 00:07:29,735 --> 00:07:31,935 Ooh, how exciting. 172 00:07:33,738 --> 00:07:34,888 Wonder what it is. 173 00:07:34,890 --> 00:07:37,074 It's from a crematorium, 174 00:07:37,076 --> 00:07:39,443 so that kind of narrows it down. 175 00:07:39,445 --> 00:07:42,696 That's, uh, that's my brother. 176 00:07:42,698 --> 00:07:46,166 Berta, Charlie's here! 177 00:07:46,168 --> 00:07:47,501 Thank you. 178 00:07:47,503 --> 00:07:48,869 Enjoy. 179 00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:22,035 Well... 180 00:08:22,037 --> 00:08:24,104 here we are, buddy. 181 00:08:25,907 --> 00:08:28,392 Just like old times, huh? 182 00:08:28,394 --> 00:08:31,628 I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me. 183 00:08:36,601 --> 00:08:41,288 I, uh, I wanted to tell you, uh, that I loved you, 184 00:08:41,290 --> 00:08:44,791 and I will miss you, 185 00:08:44,793 --> 00:08:50,264 and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in, 186 00:08:50,266 --> 00:08:53,417 letting us live here all these years. 187 00:08:55,270 --> 00:08:59,306 So, now the question is... 188 00:08:59,308 --> 00:09:01,825 what do we do with you? 189 00:09:01,827 --> 00:09:05,329 I know what you said you wanted, but... 190 00:09:05,331 --> 00:09:07,448 I really don't think Pamela Anderson will agree 191 00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:09,649 to swallow your ashes. 192 00:09:12,370 --> 00:09:15,622 Um, I-I could take you with me to live at Mom's, 193 00:09:15,624 --> 00:09:18,392 but that's how horror movies start. 194 00:09:21,963 --> 00:09:23,847 Hey. 195 00:09:23,849 --> 00:09:27,017 Maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach. 196 00:09:27,019 --> 00:09:29,503 I mean, it's simple, it's dignified, 197 00:09:29,505 --> 00:09:31,355 and pretty girls covered with oil 198 00:09:31,357 --> 00:09:34,858 will be sitting on you all day. 199 00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:37,027 Kind of like your life. 200 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,031 Except for the dignified part. 201 00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:46,353 All right. 202 00:09:46,355 --> 00:09:47,871 (sighs) 203 00:09:47,873 --> 00:09:50,040 Well... 204 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,026 (sighs) 205 00:09:53,028 --> 00:09:56,213 I guess now is as good a time as any. 206 00:09:56,998 --> 00:09:59,550 (screams) (screams) 207 00:10:09,344 --> 00:10:10,928 I ain't cleaning him up. 208 00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:13,180 ♪ Men. ♪ 209 00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:16,863 ♪ Men. ♪ 210 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,234 Can I use your phone? 211 00:10:19,236 --> 00:10:20,485 Sure. 212 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,736 I guess. 213 00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:24,339 Are you okay? 214 00:10:24,341 --> 00:10:25,724 Yeah, I'm fine. 215 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:28,426 I was just trying to drown myself. 216 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,562 Wait, you-you tried to commit suicide? 217 00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:34,432 Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold. 218 00:10:35,851 --> 00:10:37,152 Suppose I could've worn a wet suit, 219 00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:39,554 but who tries to commit suicide in a wet suit, right? 220 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,907 That phone right there? 221 00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:42,941 Oh, yeah, yeah. 222 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,160 Thank you. 223 00:10:45,162 --> 00:10:46,912 Uh, you got a towel? 224 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,313 Oh, sure. 225 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,648 Thanks. 226 00:10:54,486 --> 00:10:56,671 Hi. It's me. 227 00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:01,009 I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean 228 00:11:01,011 --> 00:11:03,211 'cause I can't live without you. 229 00:11:04,513 --> 00:11:07,716 No, I'm not calling you from the ocean. 230 00:11:08,684 --> 00:11:10,835 Because it was cold. 231 00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,355 I don't... I'm in some guy's house. 232 00:11:13,357 --> 00:11:14,672 Um, Alan Harper. 233 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,025 I am in Alan Harper's house. 234 00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:20,312 How about it? Will you take me back? 235 00:11:20,314 --> 00:11:23,114 Are you sure? 236 00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:26,284 You heard what I said about the ocean, right? 237 00:11:28,404 --> 00:11:30,538 Okay, fine. I'll stop bothering you. 238 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:33,992 But I want you to know that I will love you forever and ever. 239 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,127 Really? 240 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,612 That bothers you? 241 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,584 Okay. Bye. 242 00:11:44,536 --> 00:11:46,137 You got a wet suit? 243 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:48,757 Oh, come on. It... it can't be that bad. 244 00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:50,775 It could be. You don't know. 245 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,544 No, no, I do. 246 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,230 Come on. Come on. Sit down. Sit down. 247 00:11:55,232 --> 00:11:57,015 Listen. 248 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,734 I have been where you are-- 249 00:11:59,736 --> 00:12:02,570 uh, rejected, friendless, broke. 250 00:12:02,572 --> 00:12:03,772 I'm not broke. 251 00:12:03,774 --> 00:12:05,556 I'm worth, like, a billion dollars. 252 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,443 Beg pardon? 253 00:12:08,445 --> 00:12:12,063 1.3 is what her lawyer says, but I would give up every penny 254 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,948 if she would take me back. 255 00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,419 No, no, no. You don't want to do that. 256 00:12:17,421 --> 00:12:21,589 Uh... I think you can find a lot of girls for way less money. 257 00:12:21,591 --> 00:12:22,924 I don't want other girls. 258 00:12:22,926 --> 00:12:24,242 I want Bridget. 259 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,910 Right. Right. 260 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,679 Um, just to clarify, um, 261 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:31,132 did you say "billion" with a "buh?" 262 00:12:31,134 --> 00:12:32,300 (sighs) 263 00:12:32,302 --> 00:12:33,802 Listen, trust me. 264 00:12:33,804 --> 00:12:35,804 Money does not buy happiness. 265 00:12:35,806 --> 00:12:38,656 I wouldn't know. I've never had either. 266 00:12:39,475 --> 00:12:41,393 Come on. You're doing all right. 267 00:12:41,395 --> 00:12:43,395 You're living in a beach house in Malibu. 268 00:12:43,397 --> 00:12:44,479 I have to sell it. 269 00:12:44,481 --> 00:12:46,181 And it's not even mine; it's his. 270 00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:50,402 His? 271 00:12:50,404 --> 00:12:52,320 That's my dead brother. 272 00:12:52,322 --> 00:12:53,738 Oh. 273 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:56,408 I'm sorry I made you spill him. 274 00:12:56,410 --> 00:12:57,959 That's okay. That's okay. 275 00:12:57,961 --> 00:12:59,777 I'll DustBust him later. 276 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,162 You know what? 277 00:13:01,164 --> 00:13:02,464 I'll get out of your way. 278 00:13:02,466 --> 00:13:04,132 Thank you for letting me use your phone. 279 00:13:04,134 --> 00:13:06,000 Wait, hang on. You sure you're okay? 280 00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,720 Yeah. I'm just going to go back to my hotel room 281 00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:11,673 and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet." 282 00:13:11,675 --> 00:13:13,842 Wait, wait, wait. I... I just went to one funeral. 283 00:13:13,844 --> 00:13:15,810 I-I don't want to be involved in another one. 284 00:13:15,812 --> 00:13:19,931 Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk? 285 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,966 About what? 286 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,468 Oh, I don't know. 287 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,969 The weather, politics. 288 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,905 Why somebody would want to kill themselves 289 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,441 when they have a billion freaking dollars. 290 00:13:29,443 --> 00:13:31,359 Come on. 291 00:13:31,361 --> 00:13:34,145 We'll, uh, put your clothes in the dryer. 292 00:13:34,997 --> 00:13:36,314 All right. 293 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,584 Oh, by the way... 294 00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:42,871 I'm Walden. Walden Schmidt. 295 00:13:42,873 --> 00:13:44,923 Well, it's nice to meet you, Walden Schmidt. 296 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,258 Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose there's no reason 297 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,794 you can't undress right here in the living room. 298 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,296 Oh, Skivvies coming off, too. 299 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,848 Okay. Okay, well, uh, no body issues. 300 00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:56,017 Lucky you. That's... 301 00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:58,336 You're a good guy, Alan Harper. 302 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,171 Oh, and he's a hugger as well. 303 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,773 Okeydokey. 304 00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:03,942 I'll be right back. 305 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,513 $1.3 billion, 306 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,733 and he's hung like an elephant. 307 00:14:11,735 --> 00:14:14,352 ♪ Men. ♪ 308 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,371 Uh, I will have an appletini. 309 00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:18,206 Uh, and, um...? 310 00:14:18,208 --> 00:14:20,909 Oh, uh, ginger ale, please. 311 00:14:20,911 --> 00:14:22,494 Really? 312 00:14:22,496 --> 00:14:23,878 Fresh off a suicide attempt, 313 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,413 and you're ordering a ginger ale? 314 00:14:25,415 --> 00:14:28,032 Yeah. I don't like the taste of alcohol. 315 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,667 Nobody likes the taste of alcohol. 316 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,669 We like the effects of alcohol. 317 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:34,539 How it makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart. 318 00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,392 I am tall, good-looking and smart. 319 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,214 Give him an appletini. 320 00:14:44,266 --> 00:14:46,768 So, just out of curiosity, 321 00:14:46,770 --> 00:14:49,988 how does someone get to be worth so much money? 322 00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:52,190 Oh, it's pretty simple, really. 323 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,225 You ever hear of Blungogo.com? 324 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,493 No. 325 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,727 And you never will, 326 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,446 because Microsoft bought it from me 327 00:14:58,448 --> 00:15:01,783 for $1.3 billion, and then they bundled it 328 00:15:01,785 --> 00:15:04,419 with their iPod killer, the Zune. 329 00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:07,939 Really? 330 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:10,008 I don't think it came with my Zune. 331 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,277 You bought a Zune? 332 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:14,913 I had a coupon. 333 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,080 Cheers? 334 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,799 Oh. Cheers. 335 00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:21,019 (both groan) 336 00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:26,724 So, don't take this the wrong way, 337 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:30,545 but I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind. 338 00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:35,450 Thank you. That's very sweet. 339 00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:39,120 ♪ Men. ♪ 340 00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:41,906 You don't understand. 341 00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:44,775 Bridget was my high school sweetheart. 342 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,412 She was the love of my life. 343 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,830 So why'd she leave you? 344 00:15:48,832 --> 00:15:50,381 She catch you with another woman? 345 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,283 - No. - Sex no good? 346 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,468 No, it was great. 347 00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:54,752 Are you sure? 348 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:56,221 'Cause sometimes they'll tell you it's good, 349 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:57,455 and then you find out later 350 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,057 they hated the very touch of you. 351 00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:04,646 Happened to a guy I know. 352 00:16:04,648 --> 00:16:10,318 Well, she said that I was emotionally immature. 353 00:16:11,153 --> 00:16:12,487 You mean like threatening suicide 354 00:16:12,489 --> 00:16:14,105 unless she takes you back? 355 00:16:14,990 --> 00:16:17,642 That is not immature; that's romantic. 356 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,645 Shut up. 357 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,864 Well, regardless, I-I know what you're going through. 358 00:16:22,866 --> 00:16:24,815 I mean, I married my college sweetheart, 359 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,984 and when she divorced me, I was devastated. 360 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,319 Why did she leave you? 361 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,172 Not a clue. She's a crazy bitch. 362 00:16:31,174 --> 00:16:34,509 The point is, when life serves you 363 00:16:34,511 --> 00:16:36,994 ball breakers who rip your heart out, 364 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,181 you have to make... 365 00:16:40,183 --> 00:16:42,600 ball breaker-ade. 366 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,835 Bridget never broke my balls. 367 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,221 If anything, she treated them 368 00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:49,840 with tenderness and respect. 369 00:16:50,726 --> 00:16:52,843 Okay. Okay, just for tonight, 370 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,562 will you... will you forget about Bridget 371 00:16:54,564 --> 00:16:56,347 and-and just try to meet somebody new? 372 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,982 Like who? 373 00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,784 I don't know. 374 00:17:01,070 --> 00:17:03,621 How about... how about her? 375 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,073 Really? 376 00:17:05,075 --> 00:17:06,491 What would I say? 377 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:11,162 Uh, well, I would not lead with the testicle anecdote. 378 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,049 Just... just say hi. 379 00:17:15,051 --> 00:17:17,001 Okay. 380 00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,720 Hi. 381 00:17:18,722 --> 00:17:20,171 Hi. 382 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:23,224 - I'm Walden. - Kelly. 383 00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:31,649 So, Kelly... 384 00:17:37,106 --> 00:17:42,727 My... wife dumped me, and I want to die. 385 00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,848 Oh, you poor baby. 386 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:52,837 (sobbing): I love her so much. 387 00:17:54,256 --> 00:17:55,673 I... I don't... 388 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,959 Whew! I don't know... 389 00:17:57,961 --> 00:18:00,928 if I can ever love anyone 390 00:18:00,930 --> 00:18:03,431 the way that I love her. 391 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,887 That's the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. 392 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:14,759 Oh, it'll be okay. 393 00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:28,206 Oh, God, I miss my wife! 394 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,241 ♪ Men. ♪ 395 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,542 (ladies chuckling) 396 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,127 Here is where I live. 397 00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:34,445 Oh. 398 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,913 Nice. 399 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,733 Just me and my broken heart. 400 00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:42,887 Alan, I... I think I should go back to my hotel. 401 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,389 Are you nuts? 402 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,890 We're doing great. 403 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,760 This crap about loving our exes is gold. 404 00:18:48,762 --> 00:18:50,561 My brother would be so proud. 405 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,431 What, the dude in the DustBuster? 406 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,149 Yeah. 407 00:18:55,151 --> 00:18:58,302 Ah. Uh, ladies, uh, who's up for a libation? 408 00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,654 - A what? - Huh? 409 00:18:59,656 --> 00:19:01,656 A... a drink-- alcohol. 410 00:19:01,658 --> 00:19:03,274 - Sure. - Great. 411 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,827 Oh. Be right back. 412 00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:13,501 What's upstairs? 413 00:19:13,503 --> 00:19:15,986 I don't know. Probably a bedroom. 414 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,423 Why don't we go find out? 415 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,024 Uh... okay. 416 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,994 Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan where we're going? 417 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,847 No. No. 418 00:19:27,850 --> 00:19:30,000 Who's ready for margaritas? 419 00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,169 WALDEN: Wow! 420 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,690 One at a time, ladies! One at a time. 421 00:19:35,692 --> 00:19:37,675 (ladies giggling) 422 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,344 Well, this is depressingly familiar. 423 00:19:42,531 --> 00:19:44,198 Shut up. 424 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,200 ♪ Men. ♪ 425 00:19:48,115 --> 00:19:49,348 ♪ Men. ♪ 426 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,832 Morning. 427 00:19:55,169 --> 00:19:57,170 Oh, good golly. 428 00:19:58,005 --> 00:19:59,506 Oh, uh, I'm Walden. 429 00:19:59,508 --> 00:20:02,342 I'm impressed. 430 00:20:05,179 --> 00:20:06,613 Oh. Alan. 431 00:20:08,799 --> 00:20:10,050 Guess what. 432 00:20:10,052 --> 00:20:12,752 I had sex with two girls last night. 433 00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:17,190 Great. Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep. 434 00:20:18,059 --> 00:20:19,693 I like my night better. 435 00:20:20,611 --> 00:20:21,861 Oh, hey. 436 00:20:21,863 --> 00:20:24,097 I dig your house, so I'm going to buy it, okay? 437 00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:25,615 Oh, okay. 438 00:20:25,617 --> 00:20:27,150 Thanks. 439 00:20:27,152 --> 00:20:28,234 You're the best. 440 00:20:28,236 --> 00:20:31,071 Oh... ah. 441 00:20:31,073 --> 00:20:33,039 Whoa. 442 00:20:38,913 --> 00:20:41,064 Um, this is Walden. 443 00:20:42,216 --> 00:20:45,001 He's going to buy the house. 444 00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:47,954 Welcome to my humble abode. 445 00:20:53,928 --> 00:20:56,096 I like him. 446 00:20:56,098 --> 00:21:00,098 == sync, corrected by elderman ==