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Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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♪ Men, men, men, men ♪
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♪ Men, men, men,
men, men, men, men. ♪
3
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Hello.
4
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I'm Charlie's brother Alan.
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I want to thank you all
for coming.
6
00:00:12,693 --> 00:00:13,692
I know this is
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a very sad day
for all of us.
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Speak for yourself.
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Okay.
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00:00:20,117 --> 00:00:25,654
Uh, I understand that some of
you have "mixed feelings."
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00:00:25,656 --> 00:00:29,541
Um... but I think
we can all agree
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that Charlie lived life
to its fullest
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00:00:31,662 --> 00:00:33,862
and-and gave it
everything he had.
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Gave me herpes.
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Chlamydia.
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Vaginal warts.
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Excuse me, this is my dead
son we're talking about.
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I loved him and I'm
devastated that he's gone,
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leaving me with nothing but
my memories and my regrets
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and the listing for his
beautiful beachfront
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Malibu getaway
with three bedrooms
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and three and
a half baths
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and a beautiful
panoramic ocean view.
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Help yourselves to brochures
out by the coffee urn.
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Thank you, Mom.
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Um, anyway...
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Open house is Sunday,
1:00 to 5:00.
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Okay.
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Um, I'd like to take a moment
to talk about my brother,
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um, and his incredible love
for life.
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He also loved being spanked.
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While wearing
my panties.
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He used my panties to make tea.
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M-My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms
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and-and never apologized
for who he was.
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Yeah, blah,
blah, blah.
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Why can't we
see the body?
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Yeah, I didn't come all this way
to spit on a closed coffin.
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Okay, I understand how you feel,
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but unfortunately due to the
circumstances of his passing,
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the remains aren't exactly...
spit-able.
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Uh, I wasn't planning on
doing a Q and A,
45
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uh, but go ahead.
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Thank you.
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Charlie owes me $38,000
for some,
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let's say, pharmaceuticals.
49
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Who do I talk to about that?
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Uh, well, I think
that's something
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you'll have to discuss
with the lawyers.
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Yeah.
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I'd rather not involve the law.
54
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And now, uh, I thought
we'd take this moment
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to hear from the person who was
with Charlie at the end.
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Thank you, Alan.
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Charlie Harper was
the love of my life
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and a wonderful, wonderful man.
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Selfish pig.
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Sure, our relationship had
its ups and downs
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and the occasional
restraining order.
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But at the end,
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we ran away together to Paris,
where he asked me to marry him.
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I said yes.
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And the next few days
were the happiest of my life.
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Nothing could spoil it.
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Not even when I came home
from shopping
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and found him taking a shower
with another woman.
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That's our Charlie.
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But I forgave him
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because I loved him
unconditionally.
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So you can imagine my horror
when, the very next day,
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he slipped on the Metro platform
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and fell in front of
an oncoming train.
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Never cross a
crazy woman.
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I just want you all to know
that Charlie didn't suffer.
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His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.
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Thank you.
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00:04:00,503 --> 00:04:01,703
I'm hungry.
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Anyone else hungry?
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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♪ Two and a Half Men 9x01 ♪
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Original Air Date on September 19, 2010
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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♪ Men. ♪
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Charlie was the best boss
I ever had.
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I needed a day off,
"Sure, Berta, no problem."
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I needed a couple
89
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extra bucks,
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"Sure, Berta, no problem."
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All he ever asked in return
was clean sheets
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and hosing the vomit off the
occasional drug-addled hooker.
93
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What a beautiful story.
94
00:04:43,785 --> 00:04:46,503
Can I count on you to keep
the house clean till I sell it?
95
00:04:46,505 --> 00:04:48,655
Can I count on you
to keep paying me?
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00:04:48,657 --> 00:04:51,224
Well, there's virtually no money
in Charlie's estate,
97
00:04:51,226 --> 00:04:53,677
but I'll be happy to pay you
once the house sells.
98
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Then that's when I'll clean it.
99
00:04:56,631 --> 00:04:58,382
I still don't see
why we have to sell.
100
00:04:58,384 --> 00:04:59,666
I mean, he left it to me.
101
00:04:59,668 --> 00:05:01,001
Obviously, he wanted me
to have it.
102
00:05:01,003 --> 00:05:02,286
Can you make
the mortgage payments?
103
00:05:02,311 --> 00:05:03,204
No.
104
00:05:03,205 --> 00:05:05,005
Can you pay the property tax?
105
00:05:05,007 --> 00:05:07,173
Not per se.
106
00:05:07,175 --> 00:05:09,226
But I was kind of hoping
you'd help out.
107
00:05:09,228 --> 00:05:11,945
I mean, after all, your grandson
lives here part-time.
108
00:05:15,867 --> 00:05:18,535
Good job raising him.
109
00:05:18,537 --> 00:05:22,539
Uh, darling, I can't afford
to maintain my house
110
00:05:22,541 --> 00:05:24,491
and your house
at the same time.
111
00:05:24,493 --> 00:05:26,076
But you're my mommy.
112
00:05:26,078 --> 00:05:29,663
Good job raising him.
113
00:05:30,682 --> 00:05:33,917
Once I sell this place,
you can come live with me.
114
00:05:33,919 --> 00:05:35,201
But why would I have to?
115
00:05:35,203 --> 00:05:37,254
I mean, won't I get
a lot of money from the sale?
116
00:05:37,256 --> 00:05:40,557
Oh, please. Charlie had
three mortgages on this place.
117
00:05:40,559 --> 00:05:43,176
Once we deduct closing costs
and escrow fees
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and my commission,
you'll be lucky to break even.
119
00:05:45,397 --> 00:05:47,347
Wait a minute, you're planning
to take a commission?
120
00:05:47,349 --> 00:05:48,515
She doesn't work for free.
121
00:05:48,517 --> 00:05:49,983
Why should I?
122
00:05:53,154 --> 00:05:57,357
Don't think those silent ones
are fooling anybody.
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♪ Men. ♪
124
00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,330
Hi. I'm here
for the open house.
125
00:06:03,332 --> 00:06:04,748
Of course. Come right in.
126
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:06,033
Thank you.
127
00:06:06,035 --> 00:06:08,902
Three bedrooms,
three and a half baths,
128
00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:11,588
60 feet of prime
Malibu oceanfront.
129
00:06:11,590 --> 00:06:13,840
Wait a minute, I
know this place.
130
00:06:13,842 --> 00:06:15,292
This is Charlie Harper's place,
right?
131
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It was.
132
00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:17,377
Then I can't buy it.
133
00:06:17,379 --> 00:06:19,046
Uh...
134
00:06:19,048 --> 00:06:20,030
What? Why?
135
00:06:20,032 --> 00:06:21,214
Bad memories.
136
00:06:21,216 --> 00:06:22,516
Charlie and I had this
137
00:06:22,518 --> 00:06:25,251
drunken threesome with a crazy
chick right on this couch.
138
00:06:25,253 --> 00:06:26,770
Sounds like a good memory.
139
00:06:26,772 --> 00:06:28,889
Yeah, well,
unfortunately she passed out
140
00:06:28,891 --> 00:06:31,041
and Charlie and I
kept going without her.
141
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,260
Bad memory.
142
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:38,031
Oh, the feng shui is great.
143
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:41,051
I mean, the place just
oozes positive energy.
144
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,906
It's not practical.
145
00:06:45,908 --> 00:06:47,874
The commute downtown
would kill me.
146
00:06:47,876 --> 00:06:49,209
Don't worry, sweetie.
147
00:06:49,211 --> 00:06:50,494
Just let the universe provide.
148
00:06:50,496 --> 00:06:52,445
The universe doesn't provide,
I provide.
149
00:06:52,447 --> 00:06:54,731
I bust my ass 80 hours a week.
150
00:06:54,733 --> 00:06:56,133
Uh-oh.
151
00:06:56,135 --> 00:06:58,802
Sounds like somebody
needs to meditate.
152
00:06:58,804 --> 00:06:59,920
Uh-oh.
153
00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:02,222
Sounds like somebody needs
to file for divorce.
154
00:07:02,224 --> 00:07:03,390
Really?
155
00:07:03,392 --> 00:07:04,791
You want to play that card?
156
00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:07,293
'Cause I will take you and
your uptight bourgeois family
157
00:07:07,295 --> 00:07:09,513
for every penny you've got.
158
00:07:09,515 --> 00:07:10,730
Bye-bye!
159
00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:15,485
Bye-bye!
160
00:07:18,289 --> 00:07:19,990
What a fun couple.
161
00:07:21,576 --> 00:07:22,809
♪ Men. ♪
162
00:07:24,196 --> 00:07:26,646
Sorry, the open
house is over.
163
00:07:26,648 --> 00:07:29,416
I got a package
for Alan Harper.
164
00:07:29,418 --> 00:07:30,650
Oh, uh, that's me.
165
00:07:30,652 --> 00:07:31,501
Sign here.
166
00:07:31,503 --> 00:07:33,703
Ooh, how exciting.
167
00:07:35,506 --> 00:07:36,656
Wonder what it is.
168
00:07:36,658 --> 00:07:38,842
It's from a crematorium,
169
00:07:38,844 --> 00:07:41,211
so that kind of
narrows it down.
170
00:07:41,213 --> 00:07:44,464
That's, uh,
that's my brother.
171
00:07:44,466 --> 00:07:47,934
Berta,
Charlie's here!
172
00:07:47,936 --> 00:07:49,269
Thank you.
173
00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,637
Enjoy.
174
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:23,803
Well...
175
00:08:23,805 --> 00:08:25,872
here we are, buddy.
176
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:30,160
Just like old times, huh?
177
00:08:30,162 --> 00:08:33,396
I'm talking and you're
in a bottle ignoring me.
178
00:08:38,369 --> 00:08:43,056
I, uh, I wanted to tell you,
uh, that I loved you,
179
00:08:43,058 --> 00:08:46,559
and I will miss you,
180
00:08:46,561 --> 00:08:52,032
and I will always be grateful
for you taking Jake and me in,
181
00:08:52,034 --> 00:08:55,185
letting us live here
all these years.
182
00:08:57,038 --> 00:09:01,074
So, now the question is...
183
00:09:01,076 --> 00:09:03,593
what do we do with you?
184
00:09:03,595 --> 00:09:07,097
I know what you said
you wanted, but...
185
00:09:07,099 --> 00:09:09,216
I really don't think
Pamela Anderson will agree
186
00:09:09,218 --> 00:09:11,417
to swallow your ashes.
187
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,390
Um, I-I could take you with me
to live at Mom's,
188
00:09:17,392 --> 00:09:20,160
but that's how
horror movies start.
189
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,615
Hey.
190
00:09:25,617 --> 00:09:28,785
Maybe I could sprinkle you
on the beach.
191
00:09:28,787 --> 00:09:31,271
I mean, it's simple,
it's dignified,
192
00:09:31,273 --> 00:09:33,123
and pretty girls
covered with oil
193
00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:36,626
will be sitting on you all day.
194
00:09:36,628 --> 00:09:38,795
Kind of like your life.
195
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,799
Except for the dignified part.
196
00:09:45,469 --> 00:09:48,121
All right.
197
00:09:49,641 --> 00:09:51,808
Well...
198
00:09:54,796 --> 00:09:57,981
I guess now is
as good a time as any.
199
00:10:11,112 --> 00:10:12,696
I ain't cleaning him up.
200
00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:14,948
♪ Men. ♪
201
00:10:17,198 --> 00:10:18,631
♪ Men. ♪
202
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,002
Can I use your phone?
203
00:10:21,004 --> 00:10:22,253
Sure.
204
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,504
I guess.
205
00:10:24,356 --> 00:10:26,107
Are you okay?
206
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:27,492
Yeah, I'm fine.
207
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:30,194
I was just trying
to drown myself.
208
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:32,330
Wait, you-you tried
to commit suicide?
209
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:36,200
Yeah. But I had no idea that
the water would be that cold.
210
00:10:37,619 --> 00:10:38,920
Suppose I could've
worn a wet suit,
211
00:10:38,922 --> 00:10:41,322
but who tries to commit suicide
in a wet suit, right?
212
00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:43,675
That phone right there?
213
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,709
Oh, yeah, yeah.
214
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,928
Thank you.
215
00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:48,680
Uh, you got a towel?
216
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,081
Oh, sure.
217
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,416
Thanks.
218
00:10:56,254 --> 00:10:58,439
Hi. It's me.
219
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,777
I want you to know that I just
flung myself in the ocean
220
00:11:02,779 --> 00:11:04,979
'cause I can't live without you.
221
00:11:06,281 --> 00:11:09,484
No, I'm not calling you
from the ocean.
222
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,603
Because it was cold.
223
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:15,123
I don't...
I'm in some guy's house.
224
00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:16,440
Um, Alan Harper.
225
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,793
I am in Alan
Harper's house.
226
00:11:19,628 --> 00:11:22,080
How about it?
Will you take me back?
227
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,882
Are you sure?
228
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:28,052
You heard what I said
about the ocean, right?
229
00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:32,306
Okay, fine.
I'll stop bothering you.
230
00:11:32,308 --> 00:11:35,760
But I want you to know that I
will love you forever and ever.
231
00:11:36,628 --> 00:11:37,895
Really?
232
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,380
That bothers you?
233
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:44,352
Okay. Bye.
234
00:11:46,304 --> 00:11:47,905
You got a wet suit?
235
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:50,525
Oh, come on.
It... it can't be that bad.
236
00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:52,543
It could be.
You don't know.
237
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,312
No, no, I do.
238
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,998
Come on. Come on.
Sit down. Sit down.
239
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,783
Listen.
240
00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:01,502
I have been
where you are--
241
00:12:01,504 --> 00:12:04,338
uh, rejected,
friendless, broke.
242
00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:05,540
I'm not broke.
243
00:12:05,542 --> 00:12:07,324
I'm worth, like,
a billion dollars.
244
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,211
Beg pardon?
245
00:12:10,213 --> 00:12:13,831
1.3 is what her lawyer says,
but I would give up every penny
246
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,716
if she would take me back.
247
00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:19,187
No, no, no.
You don't want to do that.
248
00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:23,357
Uh... I think you can find a lot
of girls for way less money.
249
00:12:23,359 --> 00:12:24,692
I don't want other girls.
250
00:12:24,694 --> 00:12:26,010
I want Bridget.
251
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,678
Right. Right.
252
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,447
Um, just to clarify, um,
253
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,900
did you say "billion"
with a "buh?"
254
00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,570
Listen, trust me.
255
00:12:35,572 --> 00:12:37,572
Money does not
buy happiness.
256
00:12:37,574 --> 00:12:40,424
I wouldn't know.
I've never had either.
257
00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,161
Come on.
You're doing all right.
258
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,163
You're living in
a beach house in Malibu.
259
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,247
I have to sell it.
260
00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:47,949
And it's not even mine;
it's his.
261
00:12:50,185 --> 00:12:52,170
His?
262
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,088
That's my dead brother.
263
00:12:54,090 --> 00:12:55,506
Oh.
264
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,176
I'm sorry I made you spill him.
265
00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,727
That's okay. That's okay.
266
00:12:59,729 --> 00:13:01,545
I'll DustBust him later.
267
00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:02,930
You know what?
268
00:13:02,932 --> 00:13:04,232
I'll get out of your way.
269
00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:05,900
Thank you for letting me
use your phone.
270
00:13:05,902 --> 00:13:07,768
Wait, hang on.
You sure you're okay?
271
00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:10,488
Yeah. I'm just going to go back
to my hotel room
272
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,441
and update my Facebook status
to "not dead yet."
273
00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:15,610
Wait, wait, wait. I...
I just went to one funeral.
274
00:13:15,612 --> 00:13:17,578
I-I don't want to be involved
in another one.
275
00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:21,699
Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk?
276
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,734
About what?
277
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,236
Oh, I don't know.
278
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,737
The weather, politics.
279
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,673
Why somebody would want
to kill themselves
280
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:31,209
when they have
a billion freaking dollars.
281
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,127
Come on.
282
00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:35,913
We'll, uh, put your clothes
in the dryer.
283
00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:38,082
All right.
284
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:41,352
Oh, by the way...
285
00:13:42,187 --> 00:13:44,639
I'm Walden.
Walden Schmidt.
286
00:13:44,641 --> 00:13:46,691
Well, it's nice to meet
you, Walden Schmidt.
287
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,026
Oh. Oh, sure. I suppose
there's no reason
288
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,562
you can't undress right
here in the living room.
289
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,064
Oh, Skivvies coming off, too.
290
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,616
Okay. Okay, well, uh,
no body issues.
291
00:13:55,618 --> 00:13:57,785
Lucky you. That's...
292
00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,104
You're a good guy,
Alan Harper.
293
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:01,939
Oh, and he's a
hugger as well.
294
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,541
Okeydokey.
295
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,710
I'll be right back.
296
00:14:07,946 --> 00:14:10,281
$1.3 billion,
297
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,501
and he's hung like an elephant.
298
00:14:13,503 --> 00:14:16,120
♪ Men. ♪
299
00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:18,139
Uh, I will have
an appletini.
300
00:14:18,141 --> 00:14:19,974
Uh, and, um...?
301
00:14:19,976 --> 00:14:22,677
Oh, uh, ginger
ale, please.
302
00:14:22,679 --> 00:14:24,262
Really?
303
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,646
Fresh off
a suicide attempt,
304
00:14:25,648 --> 00:14:27,181
and you're ordering
a ginger ale?
305
00:14:27,183 --> 00:14:29,800
Yeah. I don't like
the taste of alcohol.
306
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,435
Nobody likes
the taste of alcohol.
307
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,437
We like the effects
of alcohol.
308
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:36,307
How it makes you feel tall,
good-looking and smart.
309
00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:39,160
I am tall, good-looking
and smart.
310
00:14:42,814 --> 00:14:44,982
Give him an appletini.
311
00:14:46,034 --> 00:14:48,536
So, just out of curiosity,
312
00:14:48,538 --> 00:14:51,756
how does someone get
to be worth so much money?
313
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,958
Oh, it's pretty
simple, really.
314
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,993
You ever hear of
Blungogo.com?
315
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,261
No.
316
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,495
And you never will,
317
00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:00,214
because Microsoft
bought it from me
318
00:15:00,216 --> 00:15:03,551
for $1.3 billion, and
then they bundled it
319
00:15:03,553 --> 00:15:06,187
with their iPod
killer, the Zune.
320
00:15:08,056 --> 00:15:09,707
Really?
321
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,776
I don't think it
came with my Zune.
322
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,045
You bought a Zune?
323
00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:16,681
I had a coupon.
324
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:17,848
Cheers?
325
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,567
Oh. Cheers.
326
00:15:24,873 --> 00:15:28,492
So, don't take this
the wrong way,
327
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:32,313
but I can't get the image
of your penis out of my mind.
328
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:37,218
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
329
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,888
♪ Men. ♪
330
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,674
You don't understand.
331
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,543
Bridget was my
high school sweetheart.
332
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:49,180
She was the love
of my life.
333
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,598
So why'd she leave you?
334
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,149
She catch you
with another woman?
335
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,051
- No.
- Sex no good?
336
00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:55,236
No, it was great.
337
00:15:55,238 --> 00:15:56,520
Are you sure?
338
00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:57,989
'Cause sometimes they'll
tell you it's good,
339
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,223
and then you
find out later
340
00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:00,825
they hated
the very touch of you.
341
00:16:04,162 --> 00:16:06,414
Happened to a guy I know.
342
00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:12,086
Well, she said that I was
emotionally immature.
343
00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,255
You mean like
threatening suicide
344
00:16:14,257 --> 00:16:15,873
unless she
takes you back?
345
00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:19,410
That is not immature;
that's romantic.
346
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,413
Shut up.
347
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,632
Well, regardless, I-I know
what you're going through.
348
00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:26,583
I mean, I married
my college sweetheart,
349
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:28,752
and when she divorced me,
I was devastated.
350
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,087
Why did she leave you?
351
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,940
Not a clue.
She's a crazy bitch.
352
00:16:32,942 --> 00:16:36,277
The point is,
when life serves you
353
00:16:36,279 --> 00:16:38,762
ball breakers
who rip your heart out,
354
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:41,949
you have to make...
355
00:16:41,951 --> 00:16:44,368
ball breaker-ade.
356
00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,603
Bridget never
broke my balls.
357
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,989
If anything,
she treated them
358
00:16:48,991 --> 00:16:51,608
with tenderness
and respect.
359
00:16:52,494 --> 00:16:54,611
Okay. Okay,
just for tonight,
360
00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:56,330
will you... will you
forget about Bridget
361
00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:58,115
and-and just try
to meet somebody new?
362
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,750
Like who?
363
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,552
I don't know.
364
00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:05,389
How about...
how about her?
365
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:06,841
Really?
366
00:17:06,843 --> 00:17:08,259
What would I say?
367
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:12,930
Uh, well, I would not lead
with the testicle anecdote.
368
00:17:14,766 --> 00:17:16,817
Just... just say hi.
369
00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:18,769
Okay.
370
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,488
Hi.
371
00:17:20,490 --> 00:17:21,939
Hi.
372
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,992
- I'm Walden.
- Kelly.
373
00:17:31,783 --> 00:17:33,417
So, Kelly...
374
00:17:38,874 --> 00:17:44,495
My... wife dumped me,
and I want to die.
375
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,616
Oh, you poor baby.
376
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:54,605
I love her so much.
377
00:17:56,024 --> 00:17:57,441
I... I don't...
378
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,727
Whew! I don't know...
379
00:17:59,729 --> 00:18:02,696
if I can ever
love anyone
380
00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:05,199
the way
that I love her.
381
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,655
That's the most beautiful thing
that I've ever heard.
382
00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:16,527
Oh, it'll be okay.
383
00:18:26,388 --> 00:18:29,974
Oh, God, I miss my wife!
384
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:32,009
♪ Men. ♪
385
00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,895
Here is where I live.
386
00:18:34,897 --> 00:18:36,213
Oh.
387
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:37,681
Nice.
388
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,501
Just me and my broken heart.
389
00:18:41,486 --> 00:18:44,655
Alan, I... I think
I should go back to my hotel.
390
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,157
Are you nuts?
391
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,658
We're doing great.
392
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,528
This crap about loving
our exes is gold.
393
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,329
My brother
would be so proud.
394
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:55,199
What, the dude in
the DustBuster?
395
00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:56,917
Yeah.
396
00:18:56,919 --> 00:19:00,070
Ah. Uh, ladies, uh,
who's up for a libation?
397
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,422
- A what?
- Huh?
398
00:19:01,424 --> 00:19:03,424
A... a drink-- alcohol.
399
00:19:03,426 --> 00:19:05,042
- Sure.
- Great.
400
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:07,595
Oh. Be right back.
401
00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:15,269
What's upstairs?
402
00:19:15,271 --> 00:19:17,754
I don't know.
Probably a bedroom.
403
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:20,191
Why don't we
go find out?
404
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,792
Uh... okay.
405
00:19:23,728 --> 00:19:25,762
Hey, shouldn't we tell Alan
where we're going?
406
00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:27,615
No.
No.
407
00:19:29,618 --> 00:19:31,768
Who's ready for margaritas?
408
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:33,937
Wow!
409
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:37,458
One at a time, ladies!
One at a time.
410
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:42,112
Well, this is depressingly
familiar.
411
00:19:44,299 --> 00:19:45,966
Shut up.
412
00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:47,968
♪ Men. ♪
413
00:19:52,043 --> 00:19:53,276
♪ Men. ♪
414
00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:56,760
Morning.
415
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:01,098
Oh, good golly.
416
00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:03,434
Oh, uh, I'm Walden.
417
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:06,270
I'm impressed.
418
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:10,541
Oh. Alan.
419
00:20:12,727 --> 00:20:13,978
Guess what.
420
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,680
I had sex with two girls
last night.
421
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:21,118
Great. Um, I masturbated
and cried myself to sleep.
422
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,621
I like my night better.
423
00:20:24,539 --> 00:20:25,789
Oh, hey.
424
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,025
I dig your house,
so I'm going to buy it, okay?
425
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,543
Oh, okay.
426
00:20:29,545 --> 00:20:31,078
Thanks.
427
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,162
You're the best.
428
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:34,999
Oh... ah.
429
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,967
Whoa.
430
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,992
Um, this is Walden.
431
00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:48,929
He's going to
buy the house.
432
00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:51,882
Welcome
to my humble abode.
433
00:20:57,856 --> 00:21:00,024
I like him.
434
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:04,026
== sync, corrected by elderman ==