00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:04,924 --> 00:00:06,891 Oh. Hey. Hey. 2 00:00:06,893 --> 00:00:08,560 I thought you and Alan were going out to dinner. 3 00:00:08,562 --> 00:00:10,361 We were supposed to, but then he discovered 4 00:00:10,363 --> 00:00:12,430 his coupon was only good for to-go orders. 5 00:00:12,432 --> 00:00:14,799 That guy's a piece of work. 6 00:00:14,801 --> 00:00:15,767 He is. 7 00:00:15,769 --> 00:00:16,968 Which is ironic, 8 00:00:16,970 --> 00:00:19,354 'cause he never seems to go to work. (laughs) 9 00:00:19,356 --> 00:00:21,573 That's true. 10 00:00:21,575 --> 00:00:22,440 That being said, 11 00:00:22,442 --> 00:00:23,975 I do envy what you guys have. 12 00:00:23,977 --> 00:00:26,277 You guys are like termites. 13 00:00:26,279 --> 00:00:28,413 Termites? 14 00:00:28,415 --> 00:00:30,314 Yeah, they mate for life, and once they live 15 00:00:30,316 --> 00:00:31,916 in your house, you can never get rid of 'em. 16 00:00:31,918 --> 00:00:33,117 (chuckles) 17 00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:36,037 (voice breaking): Just like Alan. 18 00:00:36,039 --> 00:00:37,372 You all right? 19 00:00:37,374 --> 00:00:39,674 Yeah, I... 20 00:00:39,676 --> 00:00:41,342 I have to do something with him tonight 21 00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:42,794 that's going to be really painful. 22 00:00:42,796 --> 00:00:45,430 Okay, that's between two consenting adults. 23 00:00:45,432 --> 00:00:47,465 No... 24 00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:49,000 (sighs) 25 00:00:49,002 --> 00:00:50,552 I'm breaking up with him. 26 00:00:50,554 --> 00:00:52,336 What? 27 00:00:53,439 --> 00:00:55,890 No, but you guys are great together. 28 00:00:55,892 --> 00:00:58,643 You're so beautiful 29 00:00:58,645 --> 00:01:00,945 and smart and fun and... 30 00:01:00,947 --> 00:01:03,231 Alan's so... 31 00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:04,515 lucky. 32 00:01:05,701 --> 00:01:07,819 I don't want to hurt him. 33 00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:10,038 Then do something else. 34 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,189 Disneyland, dancing, bowling, 35 00:01:12,191 --> 00:01:14,075 pretty much anything but break up with him. 36 00:01:14,077 --> 00:01:15,493 I have to. 37 00:01:15,495 --> 00:01:17,412 But you and I are his world. 38 00:01:17,414 --> 00:01:19,380 And if you leave, I'll be his world. 39 00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:20,715 I'm sorry. 40 00:01:20,717 --> 00:01:22,216 No, I don't think you heard me. 41 00:01:22,218 --> 00:01:24,385 I'll. Be. His. World. 42 00:01:24,387 --> 00:01:27,255 (crying): I feel so bad. 43 00:01:27,257 --> 00:01:28,306 (sobbing) 44 00:01:28,308 --> 00:01:30,041 All right. 45 00:01:30,043 --> 00:01:31,209 Come here. 46 00:01:33,178 --> 00:01:36,314 This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 47 00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:38,983 And I pushed a baby out of my vagina. 48 00:01:38,985 --> 00:01:40,151 (sobbing) 49 00:01:40,153 --> 00:01:42,020 ALAN: I'm back! 50 00:01:42,022 --> 00:01:43,071 (gasps, sniffs) 51 00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:45,056 Don't say anything. 52 00:01:45,058 --> 00:01:47,442 Oh. Hey, Walden. Want to join us? 53 00:01:47,444 --> 00:01:50,361 Uh... no, thanks. 54 00:01:50,363 --> 00:01:53,031 Hey, what do you say we all go bowling? 55 00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:54,732 Huh? 56 00:01:54,734 --> 00:01:56,167 Doesn't that sound fun? 57 00:01:56,169 --> 00:01:57,702 Just bowling? 58 00:01:57,704 --> 00:02:00,571 No, I... I think we're just gonna stay in tonight. 59 00:02:00,573 --> 00:02:02,573 Uh... oh, but I have a confession to make. 60 00:02:02,575 --> 00:02:05,076 I, uh, opened my fortune cookie in the car... 61 00:02:05,078 --> 00:02:06,427 and listen to this: 62 00:02:06,429 --> 00:02:09,547 uh... "your life is about to take a turn for the better." 63 00:02:13,886 --> 00:02:17,355 I think you may have gotten Lyndsey's cookie. 64 00:02:18,974 --> 00:02:21,893 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 65 00:02:21,895 --> 00:02:25,029 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh 66 00:02:25,031 --> 00:02:28,265 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh 67 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,401 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪ 68 00:02:30,403 --> 00:02:32,870 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 69 00:02:32,872 --> 00:02:36,658 ♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 70 00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:40,795 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 71 00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:44,820 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x21 ♪ Another Night With Neil Diamond Original Air Date on April 25, 2013 72 00:02:44,845 --> 00:02:49,845 == sync, corrected by elderman == 73 00:02:51,647 --> 00:02:52,780 Would you like another glass of wi...? 74 00:02:52,782 --> 00:02:53,948 Yes. 75 00:03:01,824 --> 00:03:03,324 Oh, you know, I was thinking, uh... 76 00:03:03,326 --> 00:03:05,727 after dinner we could light a fire. 77 00:03:05,729 --> 00:03:07,829 Don't worry, I've got all the wood we'll need. 78 00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:17,338 Cute. 79 00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:20,074 Just, uh... you seem awfully quiet tonight. 80 00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:21,109 Is everything okay? 81 00:03:21,111 --> 00:03:23,478 I-I've just got a lot on my mind. 82 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,480 Hmm, what is it, sweetie? 83 00:03:25,482 --> 00:03:27,482 Oh, boy. 84 00:03:27,484 --> 00:03:28,716 I don't know how to say this. 85 00:03:28,718 --> 00:03:31,552 Well, a problem shared is a problem halved. 86 00:03:31,554 --> 00:03:33,688 It's kind of like that fried rice, 87 00:03:33,690 --> 00:03:35,390 although I noticed you didn't touch your half, 88 00:03:35,392 --> 00:03:37,458 despite the fact that you had to order it, 89 00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,927 even though the white rice is free 90 00:03:38,929 --> 00:03:42,030 and the coupon specifically said "no substitutions." 91 00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:44,332 I think we should break up. 92 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,068 Excuse me. 93 00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:53,308 Are you okay? 94 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,827 You owe me $22.50 for dinner. 95 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,614 Hey, Berta. 96 00:04:16,616 --> 00:04:18,833 Just finishing up. Then I'll get out of your way. 97 00:04:18,835 --> 00:04:20,551 No, I think you should stay here. 98 00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:22,003 All right. 99 00:04:22,005 --> 00:04:24,138 Let me take a quick shower first. 100 00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:26,007 No. 101 00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:28,309 Lyndsey's downstairs breaking up with Alan. 102 00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,427 Really? 103 00:04:29,429 --> 00:04:30,478 Yeah. 104 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,765 Well... we knew this was coming. 105 00:04:33,767 --> 00:04:35,516 First time I saw them together, 106 00:04:35,518 --> 00:04:36,851 I asked her to blink twice 107 00:04:36,853 --> 00:04:38,803 if she was being held hostage. 108 00:04:38,805 --> 00:04:41,239 He's gonna be devastated. 109 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:43,825 I mean, he's madly in love with her, 110 00:04:43,827 --> 00:04:44,826 they've been dating for years, 111 00:04:44,828 --> 00:04:46,194 they were planning on getting married. 112 00:04:46,196 --> 00:04:48,946 Oh, my God, he's never gonna leave my house. 113 00:04:48,948 --> 00:04:52,834 It's sweet that you actually thought he was going to. 114 00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:54,686 Why do people have to break up? 115 00:04:54,688 --> 00:04:56,421 Well, in my experience, 116 00:04:56,423 --> 00:04:58,122 either the magic wears off, 117 00:04:58,124 --> 00:04:59,624 or the mushrooms. 118 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,594 I feel really bad for him. 119 00:05:03,596 --> 00:05:05,213 I mean, I always feel bad for him. 120 00:05:05,215 --> 00:05:07,382 But I feel really bad for him. 121 00:05:07,384 --> 00:05:08,800 Yeah, yeah. It's tough. 122 00:05:08,802 --> 00:05:11,502 We gonna do this thing or what? 123 00:05:16,058 --> 00:05:18,059 I don't understand. Where is this coming from? 124 00:05:18,061 --> 00:05:19,944 There's no spark anymore. 125 00:05:19,946 --> 00:05:21,779 All we do is sit around, watch TV and eat takeout 126 00:05:21,781 --> 00:05:23,731 from whatever restaurant you have a coupon for. 127 00:05:23,733 --> 00:05:25,199 Did you want to go to the food court? 128 00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:26,234 'Cause we can do that. 129 00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:28,653 Alan, it's not that. 130 00:05:28,655 --> 00:05:29,871 Then, what is it? 131 00:05:29,873 --> 00:05:31,406 I mean, I-I... I thought you were happy. 132 00:05:31,408 --> 00:05:32,623 I-I thought everything was great. 133 00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:35,192 It was, but, but things change, people change. 134 00:05:35,194 --> 00:05:37,045 That's not true. I don't change. I never change. 135 00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:39,630 Maybe that's part of the problem. 136 00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:41,198 I can change. 137 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,834 I-I know this is upsetting, 138 00:05:42,836 --> 00:05:45,536 but, but better to do this now before it gets worse. 139 00:05:45,538 --> 00:05:46,888 How can it be worse? 140 00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:48,389 You gonna tell me you've been faking it all these years? 141 00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:49,507 Don't answer that. 142 00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:52,310 Alan, I have to go. 143 00:05:52,312 --> 00:05:53,261 Fine, go. 144 00:05:53,263 --> 00:05:55,563 Don't go. 145 00:05:55,565 --> 00:05:57,682 I-I'm really sorry. 146 00:05:57,684 --> 00:06:00,435 The thing is, I-I still love you, Alan. 147 00:06:01,854 --> 00:06:04,221 I'm just not in love with you anymore. 148 00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:10,695 It's not a deal-breaker. 149 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,733 You okay? 150 00:06:15,735 --> 00:06:17,735 I guess. 151 00:06:17,737 --> 00:06:20,004 I suppose it's better that she broke up with me now 152 00:06:20,006 --> 00:06:22,039 than after we got married. 153 00:06:22,041 --> 00:06:25,293 Then she would've gotten half of all my stuff. 154 00:06:30,532 --> 00:06:32,633 Sure. 155 00:06:34,636 --> 00:06:37,254 You know I'm here for you. 156 00:06:37,256 --> 00:06:40,224 I know that and, and I appreciate it. 157 00:06:40,226 --> 00:06:42,360 But... I'm good. 158 00:06:42,362 --> 00:06:43,561 Good. 159 00:06:45,514 --> 00:06:47,165 Walden? 160 00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:48,366 Yeah? 161 00:06:49,151 --> 00:06:51,101 (sobbing): I'm not good. 162 00:06:51,103 --> 00:06:53,404 I love her. 163 00:06:53,406 --> 00:06:54,772 (sobbing) 164 00:06:54,774 --> 00:06:55,907 I know you do. 165 00:06:55,909 --> 00:06:58,242 I'll never find another one like her. 166 00:06:58,244 --> 00:07:00,378 I know you won't. 167 00:07:02,915 --> 00:07:05,666 I-I'm just saying, I-I know how great she is. 168 00:07:05,668 --> 00:07:07,051 (grunts) You're gonna be fine. 169 00:07:07,053 --> 00:07:09,620 Just... you have to focus on the good things in your life. 170 00:07:09,622 --> 00:07:12,890 Lyndsey was the only good thing in my life. 171 00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,976 (sobbing): Oh, God... It's okay. 172 00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:16,961 (sobbing loudly) Let it all out. 173 00:07:16,963 --> 00:07:17,979 (Alan wails) 174 00:07:17,981 --> 00:07:20,148 (sobbing noisily) 175 00:07:22,968 --> 00:07:26,070 That's a lot out. Let's-let's put some back in. 176 00:07:26,072 --> 00:07:29,774 (Alan wails) 177 00:07:29,776 --> 00:07:32,810 Now you're all I have! 178 00:07:32,812 --> 00:07:34,996 (Alan sobbing) 179 00:07:41,954 --> 00:07:44,121 (Walden sobbing) 180 00:07:45,707 --> 00:07:47,959 (sobbing): I know. 181 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,431 Good morning. 182 00:07:53,433 --> 00:07:55,299 Beautiful day. 183 00:07:55,301 --> 00:07:57,351 To... stick your head in an oven? 184 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:01,439 Okay, I realize I was a little upset last night. 185 00:08:01,441 --> 00:08:02,773 A little? 186 00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:05,175 You Googled "how to kill yourself without it hurting." 187 00:08:05,177 --> 00:08:07,044 (singsongy): Drama queen. 188 00:08:07,046 --> 00:08:09,080 But I woke up this morning 189 00:08:09,082 --> 00:08:11,148 and I realized, "What am I so upset about?" 190 00:08:11,150 --> 00:08:13,017 Lyndsey and I are not breaking up. 191 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,254 Okay. 192 00:08:16,256 --> 00:08:19,957 So, when she said that she didn't want to see you anymore 193 00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,310 and she didn't think you made a good couple 194 00:08:22,312 --> 00:08:23,844 and she wasn't in love with you, that... 195 00:08:23,846 --> 00:08:24,996 What do you call that? 196 00:08:24,998 --> 00:08:27,698 Foreplay. 197 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,367 Okay. Looks like someone's starting the day 198 00:08:30,369 --> 00:08:32,720 with a hot, steaming cup of denial. 199 00:08:32,722 --> 00:08:35,306 No, no, no. This is a little dance we do all the time. 200 00:08:35,308 --> 00:08:37,141 She decides that I did something wrong 201 00:08:37,143 --> 00:08:38,409 and gives me the business, 202 00:08:38,411 --> 00:08:39,577 and then I apologize, 203 00:08:39,579 --> 00:08:41,279 and I give her the business. 204 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,733 Okay, see, that right there? 205 00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:47,685 That's why she broke up with you. 206 00:08:47,687 --> 00:08:49,820 I'm telling you, we are not broken up. 207 00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:52,189 Okay, I see what you're doing here, 208 00:08:52,191 --> 00:08:54,792 but pretending like what happened didn't happen 209 00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:56,027 won't make it not happen, 210 00:08:56,029 --> 00:08:59,363 no matter what you would like to have had happened. 211 00:08:59,365 --> 00:09:01,198 Yeah, that's right. 212 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,951 Well, thank you, I appreciate it. 213 00:09:03,953 --> 00:09:06,420 But if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get my girl back. 214 00:09:06,422 --> 00:09:07,939 Okay. 215 00:09:07,941 --> 00:09:10,174 Just in case, I'll preheat the oven. 216 00:09:13,645 --> 00:09:15,813 (doorbell rings) 217 00:09:17,749 --> 00:09:19,817 Alan? 218 00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:21,218 What are you doing here? 219 00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,304 What am I doing here? 220 00:09:23,306 --> 00:09:24,722 That's what I love about you. 221 00:09:24,724 --> 00:09:26,057 Okay, let's do this. 222 00:09:26,059 --> 00:09:28,476 I'm sorry. 223 00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,596 There's nothing to be sorry about. 224 00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:34,365 Our relationship just isn't going anywhere. 225 00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:37,201 All right, all right. Message received, loud and clear. 226 00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,653 Now let's get down to bidness. 227 00:09:40,355 --> 00:09:42,707 Alan, it's over. 228 00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:44,108 But... but why? 229 00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:46,294 I-It just is. 230 00:09:46,296 --> 00:09:48,212 Is it because we don't like the same things? 231 00:09:48,214 --> 00:09:50,414 'Cause I can learn to love sports. 232 00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:51,949 It has nothing to do with that... 233 00:09:51,951 --> 00:09:53,250 Is it, is it because I'm-I'm frugal? 234 00:09:53,252 --> 00:09:54,502 'Cause okay, watch this. 235 00:09:54,504 --> 00:09:58,139 I am going to rip a twent-- a five-dollar bill in half. 236 00:09:58,141 --> 00:09:59,340 Okay? 237 00:10:00,592 --> 00:10:03,094 Tell me that's not sexy. 238 00:10:03,096 --> 00:10:05,629 Okay, look... (sighs) 239 00:10:05,631 --> 00:10:07,315 I didn't want to have to say this, 240 00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:10,935 but the fact of the matter is... 241 00:10:10,937 --> 00:10:11,936 I've met someone else. 242 00:10:11,938 --> 00:10:13,688 Oh. Wow. 243 00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:14,972 Wow. Uh... 244 00:10:14,974 --> 00:10:17,158 World spinning, uh, gut tightening, 245 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,993 vomit rising... um... 246 00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:20,711 I'm really sorry. 247 00:10:20,713 --> 00:10:22,330 Well, well, who is he? What's the difference? 248 00:10:22,332 --> 00:10:24,832 Well, I-I need to know who my competition is. 249 00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:26,334 I-I need to know how I can win. 250 00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:28,669 You can't win. 251 00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:29,754 Good-bye, Alan. 252 00:10:29,756 --> 00:10:31,856 (laughing) 253 00:10:31,858 --> 00:10:33,924 Well, I have got news for you. 254 00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:37,011 The word "win" is not in my vocabular... 255 00:10:37,013 --> 00:10:38,095 "Can't." 256 00:10:38,097 --> 00:10:40,931 The word "can't" is not in my vocabulary. 257 00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:42,633 Damn it. 258 00:10:42,635 --> 00:10:43,701 (screams) 259 00:10:43,703 --> 00:10:45,836 Son of a bitch! 260 00:10:45,838 --> 00:10:46,804 (kicks) 261 00:10:46,806 --> 00:10:49,056 (screams) 262 00:10:52,644 --> 00:10:54,678 Of course. 263 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,881 Dog crap. 264 00:11:08,093 --> 00:11:10,378 (grunts) 265 00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,547 Hey, there's soup on the stove if you want some. 266 00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:16,651 I wonder if Lyndsey's new boyfriend likes soup. 267 00:11:16,653 --> 00:11:19,070 He probably loves soup. 268 00:11:19,072 --> 00:11:21,422 And wears cable knit sweaters. 269 00:11:21,424 --> 00:11:23,441 "Look at me, I'm eating soup 270 00:11:23,443 --> 00:11:26,027 "and wearing a sweater while I bang the memory 271 00:11:26,029 --> 00:11:27,912 of Alan Harper out of this woman's mind." 272 00:11:27,914 --> 00:11:32,283 (fake chuckles) 273 00:11:34,169 --> 00:11:35,836 Alan, let it go. 274 00:11:35,838 --> 00:11:36,871 You brought it up. 275 00:11:36,873 --> 00:11:38,623 I brought up soup. 276 00:11:39,541 --> 00:11:41,759 I can't stop thinking about him. 277 00:11:41,761 --> 00:11:44,645 And her... and what they're doing. 278 00:11:44,647 --> 00:11:47,265 And what position they're doing it in. 279 00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,916 And where they're doing it. 280 00:11:48,918 --> 00:11:51,636 In the bed, in the shower, at the Costco 281 00:11:51,638 --> 00:11:54,755 between the meat and the tires. That was our place! 282 00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:57,708 That shouldn't be anyone's place. 283 00:11:59,111 --> 00:12:00,978 And you're obsessing. No, I'm not. 284 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:03,097 Right, we all picture our exes screwing 285 00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:05,149 between a rump roast and a snow tire. 286 00:12:05,151 --> 00:12:07,652 You know what, I-I'm gonna go for a drive. 287 00:12:07,654 --> 00:12:08,769 Where? 288 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,571 Just out, you know, joyride. 289 00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:13,541 I've seen your car, there's no joy in that ride. 290 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:16,994 Now where are you going? I'm just gonna drive 291 00:12:16,996 --> 00:12:19,247 up the coast a little bit. Take in the sea air. 292 00:12:19,249 --> 00:12:21,465 How? Your windows don't roll down. 293 00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:23,834 Just the ones in the front. The ones in the back don't roll up. 294 00:12:23,836 --> 00:12:25,553 Good-bye. 295 00:12:26,388 --> 00:12:28,673 I should buy him a new car. 296 00:12:28,675 --> 00:12:31,058 So he can live in it. 297 00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:34,512 ♪ Men 298 00:12:34,514 --> 00:12:36,013 All right. 299 00:12:36,015 --> 00:12:37,848 Where are they? 300 00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:42,153 (sighs) They're probably watching sports right now. 301 00:12:42,155 --> 00:12:44,972 "Hello, Lyndsey, you don't mind if I watch 302 00:12:44,974 --> 00:12:48,475 "this baseball game in the nude, do you? 303 00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:51,529 "Sure, you can kiss me between the strikes 304 00:12:51,531 --> 00:12:54,365 and I'll kiss you between the balls." 305 00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,117 (phone rings) 306 00:12:57,452 --> 00:13:00,121 Oh. 307 00:13:00,123 --> 00:13:01,756 Hey, Walden. 308 00:13:01,758 --> 00:13:03,674 Yeah, I'm just, uh, you know, taking a drive 309 00:13:03,676 --> 00:13:06,544 down the Malibu coast, trying to clear my head. 310 00:13:06,546 --> 00:13:08,846 Yeah, now I'm, uh, I'm walking on the beach. 311 00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:10,798 Sand feels nice on my toesies. 312 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,184 (pounding) (screams) 313 00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:17,338 Walking on the beach, huh? 314 00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:18,522 Are you stalking me? 315 00:13:18,524 --> 00:13:19,774 Are you stalking Lyndsey? 316 00:13:19,776 --> 00:13:21,659 I asked you first. 317 00:13:21,661 --> 00:13:22,743 Look, this is pathetic. 318 00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:23,861 Sitting outside a woman's house, 319 00:13:23,863 --> 00:13:25,946 trying to catch of glimpse of her through the window. 320 00:13:25,948 --> 00:13:27,448 What kind of person does that? 321 00:13:27,450 --> 00:13:29,850 (pounding) (both scream) 322 00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:33,037 Hey, guys, what are we doing? 323 00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:35,323 Playing a little peek-a-boo with Lyndsey? 324 00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:36,540 No. 325 00:13:36,542 --> 00:13:38,492 Yes. 326 00:13:38,494 --> 00:13:39,794 Lyndsey broke up with Alan 327 00:13:39,796 --> 00:13:41,295 and he's having a hard time understanding. 328 00:13:41,297 --> 00:13:42,997 Oh, well, one look at the new guy 329 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:43,998 and you'd understand it. 330 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,417 What, you've seen him? Oh, yeah. 331 00:13:46,419 --> 00:13:47,335 Nick's gorgeous. 332 00:13:47,337 --> 00:13:48,469 Kind of looks like Walden. 333 00:13:48,471 --> 00:13:49,920 Aw, thank you. 334 00:13:49,922 --> 00:13:52,673 Y-You know his name, so you-you've met him? 335 00:13:52,675 --> 00:13:54,475 Well, no, but I've heard her yell it. 336 00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:57,144 It's either Nick or Oh, God, Right There. 337 00:13:58,230 --> 00:14:00,047 Oh, that's it. 338 00:14:00,049 --> 00:14:02,216 I got to see this Nick guy for myself. 339 00:14:03,268 --> 00:14:05,552 No, Alan, don't. 340 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,271 You're better than this. 341 00:14:07,273 --> 00:14:09,407 We both know that's not true! 342 00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:13,444 Yeah, I feel for him. It's got to be tough. 343 00:14:13,446 --> 00:14:15,562 Yeah, no doubt. 344 00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:18,032 You really are a very handsome man. 345 00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:20,567 Again... thank you. 346 00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:24,588 It's not hard to imagine you naked and cast in marble. 347 00:14:26,525 --> 00:14:28,909 Getting weird, Herb. 348 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,878 Right. 349 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,768 All right. 350 00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:39,103 Where are you, you homewrecker? 351 00:14:39,105 --> 00:14:41,389 (crackling) Oh... 352 00:14:46,061 --> 00:14:48,762 (panting) 353 00:14:51,366 --> 00:14:53,317 That's better. 354 00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:55,636 (owl hoots) 355 00:14:55,638 --> 00:14:56,904 (screams) 356 00:14:56,906 --> 00:14:59,123 (thud) Ugh. 357 00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:03,160 Can this get any worse? 358 00:15:03,162 --> 00:15:07,114 LYNDSEY: Oh, God, Nick, right there! 359 00:15:07,116 --> 00:15:09,783 ALAN: Aw. 360 00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:15,089 (beeping) 361 00:15:15,091 --> 00:15:16,140 Lyndsey, 362 00:15:16,142 --> 00:15:17,391 hey. 363 00:15:17,393 --> 00:15:18,442 Hey, 364 00:15:18,444 --> 00:15:19,677 I need your help. 365 00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:22,430 You need my help getting back together with Alan? 366 00:15:22,432 --> 00:15:25,599 No. I need you to tell him to stop calling, e-mailing, 367 00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:26,600 and texting me. 368 00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:27,968 Words and pictures. 369 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,603 Especially the pictures. 370 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,907 He's just upset. He means well. 371 00:15:32,909 --> 00:15:34,608 Really? Does this picture look 372 00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:35,810 like he means well? 373 00:15:35,812 --> 00:15:38,412 Oh, dear God. 374 00:15:38,414 --> 00:15:42,016 Is he lying on my kitchen table? 375 00:15:42,018 --> 00:15:43,984 So, will you talk to him? 376 00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:48,005 Sure, right after I burn my kitchen table. 377 00:15:48,007 --> 00:15:52,659 Thank you. By the way, you might want to burn your bathtub, too. 378 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:53,677 (Alan grunting) 379 00:15:53,679 --> 00:15:55,679 Oh, he's coming now. Got to go. 380 00:15:55,681 --> 00:15:58,098 (grunting) 381 00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:02,303 Hey. There he is. 382 00:16:02,305 --> 00:16:04,972 Looking good. 383 00:16:04,974 --> 00:16:07,024 Ha-ha. 384 00:16:07,026 --> 00:16:09,109 (grunts) 385 00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:10,728 Where you going? 386 00:16:10,730 --> 00:16:13,013 Lyndsey un-friended me on Facebook. 387 00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,317 So I'm going to go re-friend her with my face. 388 00:16:16,319 --> 00:16:17,918 No, you're not. 389 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,520 You can't stop me. 390 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:31,565 Damn you. 391 00:16:36,888 --> 00:16:38,372 (knocking) 392 00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:40,057 Hey, Zip. 393 00:16:40,059 --> 00:16:41,842 Oh, what do you want? 394 00:16:41,844 --> 00:16:45,846 A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond. 395 00:16:45,848 --> 00:16:48,315 But for now we need to talk. 396 00:16:48,317 --> 00:16:50,267 I just want to be left alone. 397 00:16:50,269 --> 00:16:53,070 Like I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. 398 00:16:53,072 --> 00:16:55,389 Look, Lyndsey's crazy for breaking up with you. 399 00:16:55,391 --> 00:16:56,941 You are a great guy. 400 00:16:56,943 --> 00:16:58,158 You're just saying that. 401 00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,610 I know I'm rough on you, 402 00:16:59,612 --> 00:17:00,778 but that's just for fun. 403 00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:03,080 I really mean this. 404 00:17:03,082 --> 00:17:05,282 Oh, thank you. 405 00:17:05,284 --> 00:17:07,668 All right, good talk. 406 00:17:07,670 --> 00:17:09,069 How? 407 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:10,588 What? 408 00:17:10,590 --> 00:17:12,906 How am I a great guy? 409 00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:16,176 (sighs) 410 00:17:16,178 --> 00:17:19,246 Well, you're punctual. 411 00:17:19,248 --> 00:17:21,748 I-I do make it a priority to be on time. 412 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:23,267 Yep. 413 00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:25,052 What else? 414 00:17:25,054 --> 00:17:28,022 (sighs) 415 00:17:28,024 --> 00:17:29,440 Okay. 416 00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:32,810 You have pretty good toilet aim. 417 00:17:32,812 --> 00:17:35,729 And that's important to a housekeeper. 418 00:17:35,731 --> 00:17:38,532 My secret is, I sit down. 419 00:17:39,384 --> 00:17:41,368 And that should've stayed a secret. 420 00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:42,786 Take care. 421 00:17:42,788 --> 00:17:44,204 Berta? 422 00:17:44,206 --> 00:17:47,324 (sighs) What? 423 00:17:47,326 --> 00:17:49,727 I-I-If I'm such a great guy, 424 00:17:49,729 --> 00:17:52,246 then why did Lyndsey leave me? 425 00:17:52,248 --> 00:17:54,448 Oh, there's no telling with chicks. 426 00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:57,918 But don't worry... you'll find somebody else. 427 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,253 As good as Lyndsey? 428 00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:00,421 (chuckles) 429 00:18:00,423 --> 00:18:04,592 Look at you, already making jokes. 430 00:18:08,013 --> 00:18:09,463 How'd it go? 431 00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:11,465 He's gonna die alone. 432 00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:13,467 And he pees sitting down. 433 00:18:17,939 --> 00:18:20,974 I really don't want to be here, Walden. 434 00:18:20,976 --> 00:18:22,192 What are you talking about? 435 00:18:22,194 --> 00:18:23,360 You're doing great. 436 00:18:23,362 --> 00:18:25,746 You shaved, you showered. 437 00:18:25,748 --> 00:18:27,615 You realized wearing Lyndsey's underwear 438 00:18:27,617 --> 00:18:30,451 wasn't a long-term solution. 439 00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:32,319 I may have it together on the outside, 440 00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:33,987 but on the inside I'm still a wreck. 441 00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,707 I just want to go home and eat ice cream on the toilet 442 00:18:36,709 --> 00:18:37,824 until I fall asleep. 443 00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,327 Would you listen to yourself? 444 00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:42,596 Trust me, tonight is going to be fun. 445 00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:45,165 Okay. But if it's not, you're gonna have to watch 446 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,500 The Notebook with me. 447 00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:48,835 Really? Again? 448 00:18:49,688 --> 00:18:51,388 WOMAN: Walden. 449 00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:53,774 Oh, hey, Allie, hi. 450 00:18:53,776 --> 00:18:56,276 This is, uh, my friend Alan I was telling you about. 451 00:18:56,278 --> 00:18:57,277 Hi, Alan. 452 00:18:57,279 --> 00:18:58,278 Hello. 453 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,980 You two have a lot in common. 454 00:18:59,982 --> 00:19:01,398 Really? 455 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,484 You know your girlfriend's new boyfriend, Nick? 456 00:19:03,486 --> 00:19:04,518 Yeah. 457 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,654 I'm his soon-to-be ex-wife. 458 00:19:07,389 --> 00:19:09,873 I'll just let you two talk. 459 00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:12,087 Oh, oh... you know, I-I 460 00:19:12,112 --> 00:19:14,463 can see what Walden's trying to do here, 461 00:19:14,464 --> 00:19:17,464 and he means well, but, um, I-I don't know 462 00:19:17,466 --> 00:19:18,865 that I'm emotionally ready to jump 463 00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,701 back into the relation... How do you feel about revenge sex? 464 00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:22,002 Big fan. I'll get the check. 465 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:37,183 Well, well, well. 466 00:19:37,185 --> 00:19:39,735 Look who's doing the walk of shame. 467 00:19:39,737 --> 00:19:42,154 More like the stride of pride. 468 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,441 Guess who heard "Oh, God, right there" 469 00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:47,827 multiple times last night? 470 00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:48,894 Not Nick. 471 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,412 Well, congratulations. 472 00:19:50,414 --> 00:19:52,014 I'm very happy for you. 473 00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:54,250 I have you to thank you it. Ah, I didn't do anything. 474 00:19:54,252 --> 00:19:56,619 Well, tracking Allie down couldn't have been easy. 475 00:19:56,621 --> 00:19:57,736 It wasn't that hard. 476 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,088 When we were outside Lyndsey's house, 477 00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:01,040 she was parked right behind us. 478 00:20:02,042 --> 00:20:04,510 Which is ironic, because last night I was parked 479 00:20:04,512 --> 00:20:07,680 behind her... I got it, I got it. 480 00:20:07,682 --> 00:20:09,798 I'm happy you're feeling better. 481 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,983 Oh, yeah. 482 00:20:10,985 --> 00:20:13,819 And let me tell you, revenge sex is way better 483 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:16,138 than revenge masturbation. 484 00:20:18,825 --> 00:20:22,561 Course, there's no reason you can't do both. 485 00:20:27,034 --> 00:20:28,969 Oh, God, why am I eating on this table? 486 00:20:28,971 --> 00:20:33,971 == sync, corrected by elderman ==