00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:04,924 --> 00:00:06,891
Oh. Hey.
Hey.
2
00:00:06,893 --> 00:00:08,560
I thought you and Alan
were going out to dinner.
3
00:00:08,562 --> 00:00:10,361
We were supposed to,
but then he discovered
4
00:00:10,363 --> 00:00:12,430
his coupon was only good
for to-go orders.
5
00:00:12,432 --> 00:00:14,799
That guy's a piece of work.
6
00:00:14,801 --> 00:00:15,767
He is.
7
00:00:15,769 --> 00:00:16,968
Which is ironic,
8
00:00:16,970 --> 00:00:19,354
'cause he never seems
to go to work. (laughs)
9
00:00:19,356 --> 00:00:21,573
That's true.
10
00:00:21,575 --> 00:00:22,440
That being said,
11
00:00:22,442 --> 00:00:23,975
I do envy what
you guys have.
12
00:00:23,977 --> 00:00:26,277
You guys are like termites.
13
00:00:26,279 --> 00:00:28,413
Termites?
14
00:00:28,415 --> 00:00:30,314
Yeah, they mate for life,
and once they live
15
00:00:30,316 --> 00:00:31,916
in your house,
you can never get rid of 'em.
16
00:00:31,918 --> 00:00:33,117
(chuckles)
17
00:00:33,119 --> 00:00:36,037
(voice breaking):
Just like Alan.
18
00:00:36,039 --> 00:00:37,372
You all right?
19
00:00:37,374 --> 00:00:39,674
Yeah, I...
20
00:00:39,676 --> 00:00:41,342
I have to do something
with him tonight
21
00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:42,794
that's going to be
really painful.
22
00:00:42,796 --> 00:00:45,430
Okay, that's between
two consenting adults.
23
00:00:45,432 --> 00:00:47,465
No...
24
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:49,000
(sighs)
25
00:00:49,002 --> 00:00:50,552
I'm breaking up
with him.
26
00:00:50,554 --> 00:00:52,336
What?
27
00:00:53,439 --> 00:00:55,890
No, but you guys are great
together.
28
00:00:55,892 --> 00:00:58,643
You're so beautiful
29
00:00:58,645 --> 00:01:00,945
and smart and fun and...
30
00:01:00,947 --> 00:01:03,231
Alan's so...
31
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:04,515
lucky.
32
00:01:05,701 --> 00:01:07,819
I don't want
to hurt him.
33
00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:10,038
Then do something else.
34
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,189
Disneyland, dancing, bowling,
35
00:01:12,191 --> 00:01:14,075
pretty much anything
but break up with him.
36
00:01:14,077 --> 00:01:15,493
I have to.
37
00:01:15,495 --> 00:01:17,412
But you and I are his world.
38
00:01:17,414 --> 00:01:19,380
And if you leave,
I'll be his world.
39
00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:20,715
I'm sorry.
40
00:01:20,717 --> 00:01:22,216
No, I don't think
you heard me.
41
00:01:22,218 --> 00:01:24,385
I'll. Be. His. World.
42
00:01:24,387 --> 00:01:27,255
(crying):
I feel so bad.
43
00:01:27,257 --> 00:01:28,306
(sobbing)
44
00:01:28,308 --> 00:01:30,041
All right.
45
00:01:30,043 --> 00:01:31,209
Come here.
46
00:01:33,178 --> 00:01:36,314
This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
47
00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:38,983
And I pushed a baby
out of my vagina.
48
00:01:38,985 --> 00:01:40,151
(sobbing)
49
00:01:40,153 --> 00:01:42,020
ALAN:
I'm back!
50
00:01:42,022 --> 00:01:43,071
(gasps, sniffs)
51
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:45,056
Don't say anything.
52
00:01:45,058 --> 00:01:47,442
Oh. Hey, Walden.
Want to join us?
53
00:01:47,444 --> 00:01:50,361
Uh... no, thanks.
54
00:01:50,363 --> 00:01:53,031
Hey, what do you say
we all go bowling?
55
00:01:53,033 --> 00:01:54,732
Huh?
56
00:01:54,734 --> 00:01:56,167
Doesn't that sound fun?
57
00:01:56,169 --> 00:01:57,702
Just bowling?
58
00:01:57,704 --> 00:02:00,571
No, I... I think we're
just gonna stay in tonight.
59
00:02:00,573 --> 00:02:02,573
Uh... oh, but I have
a confession to make.
60
00:02:02,575 --> 00:02:05,076
I, uh, opened my fortune
cookie in the car...
61
00:02:05,078 --> 00:02:06,427
and listen to this:
62
00:02:06,429 --> 00:02:09,547
uh... "your life is about to
take a turn for the better."
63
00:02:13,886 --> 00:02:17,355
I think you may have gotten
Lyndsey's cookie.
64
00:02:18,974 --> 00:02:21,893
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
65
00:02:21,895 --> 00:02:25,029
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men ♪
♪ Ooh
66
00:02:25,031 --> 00:02:28,265
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh
67
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,401
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪
68
00:02:30,403 --> 00:02:32,870
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
69
00:02:32,872 --> 00:02:36,658
♪ Ooh
♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
70
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:40,795
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
71
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:44,820
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x21 ♪
Another Night With Neil Diamond
Original Air Date on April 25, 2013
72
00:02:44,845 --> 00:02:49,845
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
73
00:02:51,647 --> 00:02:52,780
Would you like another
glass of wi...?
74
00:02:52,782 --> 00:02:53,948
Yes.
75
00:03:01,824 --> 00:03:03,324
Oh, you know,
I was thinking, uh...
76
00:03:03,326 --> 00:03:05,727
after dinner we could
light a fire.
77
00:03:05,729 --> 00:03:07,829
Don't worry, I've got all
the wood we'll need.
78
00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:17,338
Cute.
79
00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:20,074
Just, uh... you seem
awfully quiet tonight.
80
00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:21,109
Is everything okay?
81
00:03:21,111 --> 00:03:23,478
I-I've just got
a lot on my mind.
82
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,480
Hmm, what is it,
sweetie?
83
00:03:25,482 --> 00:03:27,482
Oh, boy.
84
00:03:27,484 --> 00:03:28,716
I don't know
how to say this.
85
00:03:28,718 --> 00:03:31,552
Well, a problem shared is
a problem halved.
86
00:03:31,554 --> 00:03:33,688
It's kind of like
that fried rice,
87
00:03:33,690 --> 00:03:35,390
although I noticed
you didn't touch your half,
88
00:03:35,392 --> 00:03:37,458
despite the fact
that you had to order it,
89
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:38,927
even though
the white rice is free
90
00:03:38,929 --> 00:03:42,030
and the coupon specifically
said "no substitutions."
91
00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:44,332
I think we should break up.
92
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,068
Excuse me.
93
00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:53,308
Are you okay?
94
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,827
You owe me $22.50 for dinner.
95
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,614
Hey, Berta.
96
00:04:16,616 --> 00:04:18,833
Just finishing up.
Then I'll get out of your way.
97
00:04:18,835 --> 00:04:20,551
No, I think
you should stay here.
98
00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:22,003
All right.
99
00:04:22,005 --> 00:04:24,138
Let me take
a quick shower first.
100
00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:26,007
No.
101
00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:28,309
Lyndsey's downstairs breaking up
with Alan.
102
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,427
Really?
103
00:04:29,429 --> 00:04:30,478
Yeah.
104
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:33,765
Well... we knew this was coming.
105
00:04:33,767 --> 00:04:35,516
First time I saw them together,
106
00:04:35,518 --> 00:04:36,851
I asked her to blink twice
107
00:04:36,853 --> 00:04:38,803
if she was being held hostage.
108
00:04:38,805 --> 00:04:41,239
He's gonna be devastated.
109
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:43,825
I mean, he's madly
in love with her,
110
00:04:43,827 --> 00:04:44,826
they've been dating for years,
111
00:04:44,828 --> 00:04:46,194
they were planning
on getting married.
112
00:04:46,196 --> 00:04:48,946
Oh, my God,
he's never gonna leave my house.
113
00:04:48,948 --> 00:04:52,834
It's sweet that you actually
thought he was going to.
114
00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:54,686
Why do people have to break up?
115
00:04:54,688 --> 00:04:56,421
Well, in my experience,
116
00:04:56,423 --> 00:04:58,122
either the magic wears off,
117
00:04:58,124 --> 00:04:59,624
or the mushrooms.
118
00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,594
I feel really bad for him.
119
00:05:03,596 --> 00:05:05,213
I mean,
I always feel bad for him.
120
00:05:05,215 --> 00:05:07,382
But I feel really bad for him.
121
00:05:07,384 --> 00:05:08,800
Yeah, yeah. It's tough.
122
00:05:08,802 --> 00:05:11,502
We gonna do this thing
or what?
123
00:05:16,058 --> 00:05:18,059
I don't understand.
Where is this coming from?
124
00:05:18,061 --> 00:05:19,944
There's no spark anymore.
125
00:05:19,946 --> 00:05:21,779
All we do is sit around,
watch TV and eat takeout
126
00:05:21,781 --> 00:05:23,731
from whatever restaurant
you have a coupon for.
127
00:05:23,733 --> 00:05:25,199
Did you want to go
to the food court?
128
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:26,234
'Cause we can do that.
129
00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:28,653
Alan, it's not that.
130
00:05:28,655 --> 00:05:29,871
Then, what is it?
131
00:05:29,873 --> 00:05:31,406
I mean, I-I...
I thought you were happy.
132
00:05:31,408 --> 00:05:32,623
I-I thought
everything was great.
133
00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:35,192
It was, but, but things
change, people change.
134
00:05:35,194 --> 00:05:37,045
That's not true.
I don't change. I never change.
135
00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:39,630
Maybe that's part
of the problem.
136
00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:41,198
I can change.
137
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,834
I-I know this is upsetting,
138
00:05:42,836 --> 00:05:45,536
but, but better to do this
now before it gets worse.
139
00:05:45,538 --> 00:05:46,888
How can it be worse?
140
00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:48,389
You gonna tell me you've been
faking it all these years?
141
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:49,507
Don't answer that.
142
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:52,310
Alan, I have to go.
143
00:05:52,312 --> 00:05:53,261
Fine, go.
144
00:05:53,263 --> 00:05:55,563
Don't go.
145
00:05:55,565 --> 00:05:57,682
I-I'm really sorry.
146
00:05:57,684 --> 00:06:00,435
The thing is, I-I
still love you, Alan.
147
00:06:01,854 --> 00:06:04,221
I'm just not in love
with you anymore.
148
00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:10,695
It's not a deal-breaker.
149
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,733
You okay?
150
00:06:15,735 --> 00:06:17,735
I guess.
151
00:06:17,737 --> 00:06:20,004
I suppose it's better that
she broke up with me now
152
00:06:20,006 --> 00:06:22,039
than after we got married.
153
00:06:22,041 --> 00:06:25,293
Then she would've gotten
half of all my stuff.
154
00:06:30,532 --> 00:06:32,633
Sure.
155
00:06:34,636 --> 00:06:37,254
You know I'm
here for you.
156
00:06:37,256 --> 00:06:40,224
I know that and,
and I appreciate it.
157
00:06:40,226 --> 00:06:42,360
But... I'm good.
158
00:06:42,362 --> 00:06:43,561
Good.
159
00:06:45,514 --> 00:06:47,165
Walden?
160
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:48,366
Yeah?
161
00:06:49,151 --> 00:06:51,101
(sobbing):
I'm not good.
162
00:06:51,103 --> 00:06:53,404
I love her.
163
00:06:53,406 --> 00:06:54,772
(sobbing)
164
00:06:54,774 --> 00:06:55,907
I know you do.
165
00:06:55,909 --> 00:06:58,242
I'll never find another one
like her.
166
00:06:58,244 --> 00:07:00,378
I know you won't.
167
00:07:02,915 --> 00:07:05,666
I-I'm just saying, I-I
know how great she is.
168
00:07:05,668 --> 00:07:07,051
(grunts)
You're gonna be fine.
169
00:07:07,053 --> 00:07:09,620
Just... you have to focus on
the good things in your life.
170
00:07:09,622 --> 00:07:12,890
Lyndsey was the only
good thing in my life.
171
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,976
(sobbing): Oh, God...
It's okay.
172
00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:16,961
(sobbing loudly)
Let it all out.
173
00:07:16,963 --> 00:07:17,979
(Alan wails)
174
00:07:17,981 --> 00:07:20,148
(sobbing noisily)
175
00:07:22,968 --> 00:07:26,070
That's a lot out.
Let's-let's put some back in.
176
00:07:26,072 --> 00:07:29,774
(Alan wails)
177
00:07:29,776 --> 00:07:32,810
Now you're all I have!
178
00:07:32,812 --> 00:07:34,996
(Alan sobbing)
179
00:07:41,954 --> 00:07:44,121
(Walden sobbing)
180
00:07:45,707 --> 00:07:47,959
(sobbing):
I know.
181
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,431
Good morning.
182
00:07:53,433 --> 00:07:55,299
Beautiful day.
183
00:07:55,301 --> 00:07:57,351
To... stick your head
in an oven?
184
00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:01,439
Okay, I realize I was a
little upset last night.
185
00:08:01,441 --> 00:08:02,773
A little?
186
00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:05,175
You Googled "how to kill
yourself without it hurting."
187
00:08:05,177 --> 00:08:07,044
(singsongy):
Drama queen.
188
00:08:07,046 --> 00:08:09,080
But I woke up
this morning
189
00:08:09,082 --> 00:08:11,148
and I realized, "What
am I so upset about?"
190
00:08:11,150 --> 00:08:13,017
Lyndsey and I are
not breaking up.
191
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,254
Okay.
192
00:08:16,256 --> 00:08:19,957
So, when she said that she
didn't want to see you anymore
193
00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:22,310
and she didn't think you made
a good couple
194
00:08:22,312 --> 00:08:23,844
and she wasn't in love with you,
that...
195
00:08:23,846 --> 00:08:24,996
What do you call that?
196
00:08:24,998 --> 00:08:27,698
Foreplay.
197
00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,367
Okay. Looks like someone's
starting the day
198
00:08:30,369 --> 00:08:32,720
with a hot, steaming cup
of denial.
199
00:08:32,722 --> 00:08:35,306
No, no, no. This is a little
dance we do all the time.
200
00:08:35,308 --> 00:08:37,141
She decides that
I did something wrong
201
00:08:37,143 --> 00:08:38,409
and gives me the business,
202
00:08:38,411 --> 00:08:39,577
and then I apologize,
203
00:08:39,579 --> 00:08:41,279
and I give her the business.
204
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,733
Okay, see, that right there?
205
00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:47,685
That's why she broke up
with you.
206
00:08:47,687 --> 00:08:49,820
I'm telling you,
we are not broken up.
207
00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:52,189
Okay, I see what
you're doing here,
208
00:08:52,191 --> 00:08:54,792
but pretending like what
happened didn't happen
209
00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:56,027
won't make it not happen,
210
00:08:56,029 --> 00:08:59,363
no matter what you would like
to have had happened.
211
00:08:59,365 --> 00:09:01,198
Yeah, that's right.
212
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,951
Well, thank you,
I appreciate it.
213
00:09:03,953 --> 00:09:06,420
But if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go get my girl back.
214
00:09:06,422 --> 00:09:07,939
Okay.
215
00:09:07,941 --> 00:09:10,174
Just in case,
I'll preheat the oven.
216
00:09:13,645 --> 00:09:15,813
(doorbell rings)
217
00:09:17,749 --> 00:09:19,817
Alan?
218
00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:21,218
What are you doing here?
219
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,304
What am I doing here?
220
00:09:23,306 --> 00:09:24,722
That's what I love about you.
221
00:09:24,724 --> 00:09:26,057
Okay, let's do this.
222
00:09:26,059 --> 00:09:28,476
I'm sorry.
223
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,596
There's nothing
to be sorry about.
224
00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:34,365
Our relationship just
isn't going anywhere.
225
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:37,201
All right, all right. Message
received, loud and clear.
226
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:38,653
Now let's get down to bidness.
227
00:09:40,355 --> 00:09:42,707
Alan, it's over.
228
00:09:42,709 --> 00:09:44,108
But... but why?
229
00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:46,294
I-It just is.
230
00:09:46,296 --> 00:09:48,212
Is it because we don't
like the same things?
231
00:09:48,214 --> 00:09:50,414
'Cause I can learn
to love sports.
232
00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:51,949
It has nothing
to do with that...
233
00:09:51,951 --> 00:09:53,250
Is it, is it
because I'm-I'm frugal?
234
00:09:53,252 --> 00:09:54,502
'Cause okay, watch this.
235
00:09:54,504 --> 00:09:58,139
I am going to rip a twent--
a five-dollar bill in half.
236
00:09:58,141 --> 00:09:59,340
Okay?
237
00:10:00,592 --> 00:10:03,094
Tell me that's not sexy.
238
00:10:03,096 --> 00:10:05,629
Okay, look... (sighs)
239
00:10:05,631 --> 00:10:07,315
I didn't want
to have to say this,
240
00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:10,935
but the fact of the matter is...
241
00:10:10,937 --> 00:10:11,936
I've met someone else.
242
00:10:11,938 --> 00:10:13,688
Oh. Wow.
243
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:14,972
Wow. Uh...
244
00:10:14,974 --> 00:10:17,158
World spinning,
uh, gut tightening,
245
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,993
vomit rising... um...
246
00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:20,711
I'm really sorry.
247
00:10:20,713 --> 00:10:22,330
Well, well, who is he?
What's the difference?
248
00:10:22,332 --> 00:10:24,832
Well, I-I need to know
who my competition is.
249
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:26,334
I-I need to know how I can win.
250
00:10:26,336 --> 00:10:28,669
You can't win.
251
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:29,754
Good-bye, Alan.
252
00:10:29,756 --> 00:10:31,856
(laughing)
253
00:10:31,858 --> 00:10:33,924
Well, I have got
news for you.
254
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:37,011
The word "win" is not
in my vocabular...
255
00:10:37,013 --> 00:10:38,095
"Can't."
256
00:10:38,097 --> 00:10:40,931
The word "can't" is not
in my vocabulary.
257
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:42,633
Damn it.
258
00:10:42,635 --> 00:10:43,701
(screams)
259
00:10:43,703 --> 00:10:45,836
Son of a bitch!
260
00:10:45,838 --> 00:10:46,804
(kicks)
261
00:10:46,806 --> 00:10:49,056
(screams)
262
00:10:52,644 --> 00:10:54,678
Of course.
263
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,881
Dog crap.
264
00:11:08,093 --> 00:11:10,378
(grunts)
265
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:13,547
Hey, there's soup on the stove
if you want some.
266
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:16,651
I wonder if Lyndsey's
new boyfriend likes soup.
267
00:11:16,653 --> 00:11:19,070
He probably loves soup.
268
00:11:19,072 --> 00:11:21,422
And wears cable knit sweaters.
269
00:11:21,424 --> 00:11:23,441
"Look at me,
I'm eating soup
270
00:11:23,443 --> 00:11:26,027
"and wearing a sweater
while I bang the memory
271
00:11:26,029 --> 00:11:27,912
of Alan Harper
out of this woman's mind."
272
00:11:27,914 --> 00:11:32,283
(fake chuckles)
273
00:11:34,169 --> 00:11:35,836
Alan, let it go.
274
00:11:35,838 --> 00:11:36,871
You brought it up.
275
00:11:36,873 --> 00:11:38,623
I brought up soup.
276
00:11:39,541 --> 00:11:41,759
I can't stop thinking about him.
277
00:11:41,761 --> 00:11:44,645
And her...
and what they're doing.
278
00:11:44,647 --> 00:11:47,265
And what position
they're doing it in.
279
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,916
And where they're doing it.
280
00:11:48,918 --> 00:11:51,636
In the bed, in the shower,
at the Costco
281
00:11:51,638 --> 00:11:54,755
between the meat and the tires.
That was our place!
282
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:57,708
That shouldn't be
anyone's place.
283
00:11:59,111 --> 00:12:00,978
And you're obsessing.
No, I'm not.
284
00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:03,097
Right, we all picture
our exes screwing
285
00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:05,149
between a rump roast
and a snow tire.
286
00:12:05,151 --> 00:12:07,652
You know what,
I-I'm gonna go for a drive.
287
00:12:07,654 --> 00:12:08,769
Where?
288
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,571
Just out, you know, joyride.
289
00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:13,541
I've seen your car,
there's no joy in that ride.
290
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:16,994
Now where are you going?
I'm just gonna drive
291
00:12:16,996 --> 00:12:19,247
up the coast a little bit.
Take in the sea air.
292
00:12:19,249 --> 00:12:21,465
How? Your windows
don't roll down.
293
00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:23,834
Just the ones in the front. The
ones in the back don't roll up.
294
00:12:23,836 --> 00:12:25,553
Good-bye.
295
00:12:26,388 --> 00:12:28,673
I should buy him a new car.
296
00:12:28,675 --> 00:12:31,058
So he can live in it.
297
00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:34,512
♪ Men
298
00:12:34,514 --> 00:12:36,013
All right.
299
00:12:36,015 --> 00:12:37,848
Where are they?
300
00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:42,153
(sighs) They're probably
watching sports right now.
301
00:12:42,155 --> 00:12:44,972
"Hello, Lyndsey,
you don't mind if I watch
302
00:12:44,974 --> 00:12:48,475
"this baseball game
in the nude, do you?
303
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:51,529
"Sure, you can kiss me
between the strikes
304
00:12:51,531 --> 00:12:54,365
and I'll kiss you
between the balls."
305
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,117
(phone rings)
306
00:12:57,452 --> 00:13:00,121
Oh.
307
00:13:00,123 --> 00:13:01,756
Hey, Walden.
308
00:13:01,758 --> 00:13:03,674
Yeah, I'm just, uh,
you know, taking a drive
309
00:13:03,676 --> 00:13:06,544
down the Malibu coast,
trying to clear my head.
310
00:13:06,546 --> 00:13:08,846
Yeah, now I'm, uh,
I'm walking on the beach.
311
00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:10,798
Sand feels nice on my toesies.
312
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,184
(pounding)
(screams)
313
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:17,338
Walking on the beach, huh?
314
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:18,522
Are you stalking me?
315
00:13:18,524 --> 00:13:19,774
Are you stalking Lyndsey?
316
00:13:19,776 --> 00:13:21,659
I asked you first.
317
00:13:21,661 --> 00:13:22,743
Look, this
is pathetic.
318
00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:23,861
Sitting outside
a woman's house,
319
00:13:23,863 --> 00:13:25,946
trying to catch of glimpse
of her through the window.
320
00:13:25,948 --> 00:13:27,448
What kind
of person does that?
321
00:13:27,450 --> 00:13:29,850
(pounding)
(both scream)
322
00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:33,037
Hey, guys, what are we doing?
323
00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:35,323
Playing a little peek-a-boo
with Lyndsey?
324
00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:36,540
No.
325
00:13:36,542 --> 00:13:38,492
Yes.
326
00:13:38,494 --> 00:13:39,794
Lyndsey broke
up with Alan
327
00:13:39,796 --> 00:13:41,295
and he's having a hard
time understanding.
328
00:13:41,297 --> 00:13:42,997
Oh, well, one look
at the new guy
329
00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:43,998
and you'd understand it.
330
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,417
What, you've seen him?
Oh, yeah.
331
00:13:46,419 --> 00:13:47,335
Nick's gorgeous.
332
00:13:47,337 --> 00:13:48,469
Kind of looks like Walden.
333
00:13:48,471 --> 00:13:49,920
Aw, thank you.
334
00:13:49,922 --> 00:13:52,673
Y-You know his name,
so you-you've met him?
335
00:13:52,675 --> 00:13:54,475
Well, no,
but I've heard her yell it.
336
00:13:54,477 --> 00:13:57,144
It's either Nick
or Oh, God, Right There.
337
00:13:58,230 --> 00:14:00,047
Oh, that's it.
338
00:14:00,049 --> 00:14:02,216
I got to see this Nick guy
for myself.
339
00:14:03,268 --> 00:14:05,552
No, Alan, don't.
340
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,271
You're better than this.
341
00:14:07,273 --> 00:14:09,407
We both know
that's not true!
342
00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:13,444
Yeah, I feel for him.
It's got to be tough.
343
00:14:13,446 --> 00:14:15,562
Yeah, no doubt.
344
00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:18,032
You really are
a very handsome man.
345
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:20,567
Again... thank you.
346
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:24,588
It's not hard to imagine you
naked and cast in marble.
347
00:14:26,525 --> 00:14:28,909
Getting weird, Herb.
348
00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,878
Right.
349
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,768
All right.
350
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:39,103
Where are you, you homewrecker?
351
00:14:39,105 --> 00:14:41,389
(crackling)
Oh...
352
00:14:46,061 --> 00:14:48,762
(panting)
353
00:14:51,366 --> 00:14:53,317
That's better.
354
00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:55,636
(owl hoots)
355
00:14:55,638 --> 00:14:56,904
(screams)
356
00:14:56,906 --> 00:14:59,123
(thud)
Ugh.
357
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:03,160
Can this get any worse?
358
00:15:03,162 --> 00:15:07,114
LYNDSEY:
Oh, God, Nick, right there!
359
00:15:07,116 --> 00:15:09,783
ALAN:
Aw.
360
00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:15,089
(beeping)
361
00:15:15,091 --> 00:15:16,140
Lyndsey,
362
00:15:16,142 --> 00:15:17,391
hey.
363
00:15:17,393 --> 00:15:18,442
Hey,
364
00:15:18,444 --> 00:15:19,677
I need your help.
365
00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:22,430
You need my help getting
back together with Alan?
366
00:15:22,432 --> 00:15:25,599
No. I need you to tell him
to stop calling, e-mailing,
367
00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:26,600
and texting me.
368
00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:27,968
Words and pictures.
369
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,603
Especially the pictures.
370
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,907
He's just upset.
He means well.
371
00:15:32,909 --> 00:15:34,608
Really?
Does this picture look
372
00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:35,810
like he means well?
373
00:15:35,812 --> 00:15:38,412
Oh, dear God.
374
00:15:38,414 --> 00:15:42,016
Is he lying on my kitchen table?
375
00:15:42,018 --> 00:15:43,984
So, will you talk to him?
376
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:48,005
Sure, right after I burn
my kitchen table.
377
00:15:48,007 --> 00:15:52,659
Thank you. By the way, you might
want to burn your bathtub, too.
378
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:53,677
(Alan grunting)
379
00:15:53,679 --> 00:15:55,679
Oh, he's coming now.
Got to go.
380
00:15:55,681 --> 00:15:58,098
(grunting)
381
00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:02,303
Hey. There he is.
382
00:16:02,305 --> 00:16:04,972
Looking good.
383
00:16:04,974 --> 00:16:07,024
Ha-ha.
384
00:16:07,026 --> 00:16:09,109
(grunts)
385
00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:10,728
Where you going?
386
00:16:10,730 --> 00:16:13,013
Lyndsey un-friended me
on Facebook.
387
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,317
So I'm going to go
re-friend her with my face.
388
00:16:16,319 --> 00:16:17,918
No, you're not.
389
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,520
You can't stop me.
390
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:31,565
Damn you.
391
00:16:36,888 --> 00:16:38,372
(knocking)
392
00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:40,057
Hey, Zip.
393
00:16:40,059 --> 00:16:41,842
Oh, what do you want?
394
00:16:41,844 --> 00:16:45,846
A motorcycle and another night
with Neil Diamond.
395
00:16:45,848 --> 00:16:48,315
But for now we need to talk.
396
00:16:48,317 --> 00:16:50,267
I just want to be left alone.
397
00:16:50,269 --> 00:16:53,070
Like I'm gonna be
for the rest of my life.
398
00:16:53,072 --> 00:16:55,389
Look, Lyndsey's crazy
for breaking up with you.
399
00:16:55,391 --> 00:16:56,941
You are a great guy.
400
00:16:56,943 --> 00:16:58,158
You're just saying that.
401
00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,610
I know I'm rough on you,
402
00:16:59,612 --> 00:17:00,778
but that's just for fun.
403
00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:03,080
I really mean this.
404
00:17:03,082 --> 00:17:05,282
Oh, thank you.
405
00:17:05,284 --> 00:17:07,668
All right,
good talk.
406
00:17:07,670 --> 00:17:09,069
How?
407
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:10,588
What?
408
00:17:10,590 --> 00:17:12,906
How am I a great guy?
409
00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:16,176
(sighs)
410
00:17:16,178 --> 00:17:19,246
Well, you're
punctual.
411
00:17:19,248 --> 00:17:21,748
I-I do make it
a priority to be on time.
412
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:23,267
Yep.
413
00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:25,052
What else?
414
00:17:25,054 --> 00:17:28,022
(sighs)
415
00:17:28,024 --> 00:17:29,440
Okay.
416
00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:32,810
You have pretty good toilet aim.
417
00:17:32,812 --> 00:17:35,729
And that's important
to a housekeeper.
418
00:17:35,731 --> 00:17:38,532
My secret is, I sit down.
419
00:17:39,384 --> 00:17:41,368
And that should've
stayed a secret.
420
00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:42,786
Take care.
421
00:17:42,788 --> 00:17:44,204
Berta?
422
00:17:44,206 --> 00:17:47,324
(sighs)
What?
423
00:17:47,326 --> 00:17:49,727
I-I-If I'm such
a great guy,
424
00:17:49,729 --> 00:17:52,246
then why did
Lyndsey leave me?
425
00:17:52,248 --> 00:17:54,448
Oh, there's no telling
with chicks.
426
00:17:54,450 --> 00:17:57,918
But don't worry...
you'll find somebody else.
427
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,253
As good as Lyndsey?
428
00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:00,421
(chuckles)
429
00:18:00,423 --> 00:18:04,592
Look at you,
already making jokes.
430
00:18:08,013 --> 00:18:09,463
How'd it go?
431
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:11,465
He's gonna die alone.
432
00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:13,467
And he pees sitting down.
433
00:18:17,939 --> 00:18:20,974
I really don't want
to be here, Walden.
434
00:18:20,976 --> 00:18:22,192
What are you
talking about?
435
00:18:22,194 --> 00:18:23,360
You're doing great.
436
00:18:23,362 --> 00:18:25,746
You shaved,
you showered.
437
00:18:25,748 --> 00:18:27,615
You realized wearing
Lyndsey's underwear
438
00:18:27,617 --> 00:18:30,451
wasn't a
long-term solution.
439
00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:32,319
I may have it together
on the outside,
440
00:18:32,321 --> 00:18:33,987
but on the inside
I'm still a wreck.
441
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,707
I just want to go home and
eat ice cream on the toilet
442
00:18:36,709 --> 00:18:37,824
until I fall asleep.
443
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,327
Would you listen
to yourself?
444
00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:42,596
Trust me, tonight
is going to be fun.
445
00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:45,165
Okay. But if it's not,
you're gonna have to watch
446
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,500
The Notebook with me.
447
00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:48,835
Really? Again?
448
00:18:49,688 --> 00:18:51,388
WOMAN:
Walden.
449
00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:53,774
Oh, hey, Allie, hi.
450
00:18:53,776 --> 00:18:56,276
This is, uh, my friend Alan
I was telling you about.
451
00:18:56,278 --> 00:18:57,277
Hi, Alan.
452
00:18:57,279 --> 00:18:58,278
Hello.
453
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,980
You two have
a lot in common.
454
00:18:59,982 --> 00:19:01,398
Really?
455
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,484
You know your girlfriend's
new boyfriend, Nick?
456
00:19:03,486 --> 00:19:04,518
Yeah.
457
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,654
I'm his
soon-to-be ex-wife.
458
00:19:07,389 --> 00:19:09,873
I'll just
let you two talk.
459
00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:12,087
Oh, oh... you know, I-I
460
00:19:12,112 --> 00:19:14,463
can see what Walden's
trying to do here,
461
00:19:14,464 --> 00:19:17,464
and he means well,
but, um, I-I don't know
462
00:19:17,466 --> 00:19:18,865
that I'm emotionally
ready to jump
463
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,701
back into the relation...
How do you feel about revenge sex?
464
00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:22,002
Big fan. I'll
get the check.
465
00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:37,183
Well, well, well.
466
00:19:37,185 --> 00:19:39,735
Look who's doing
the walk of shame.
467
00:19:39,737 --> 00:19:42,154
More like the stride of pride.
468
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,441
Guess who heard
"Oh, God, right there"
469
00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:47,827
multiple times last night?
470
00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:48,894
Not Nick.
471
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,412
Well,
congratulations.
472
00:19:50,414 --> 00:19:52,014
I'm very happy
for you.
473
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:54,250
I have you to thank you it.
Ah, I didn't do anything.
474
00:19:54,252 --> 00:19:56,619
Well, tracking Allie down
couldn't have been easy.
475
00:19:56,621 --> 00:19:57,736
It wasn't that hard.
476
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,088
When we were
outside Lyndsey's house,
477
00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:01,040
she was parked right behind us.
478
00:20:02,042 --> 00:20:04,510
Which is ironic,
because last night I was parked
479
00:20:04,512 --> 00:20:07,680
behind her...
I got it, I got it.
480
00:20:07,682 --> 00:20:09,798
I'm happy you're
feeling better.
481
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,983
Oh, yeah.
482
00:20:10,985 --> 00:20:13,819
And let me tell you,
revenge sex is way better
483
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:16,138
than revenge masturbation.
484
00:20:18,825 --> 00:20:22,561
Course, there's no reason
you can't do both.
485
00:20:27,034 --> 00:20:28,969
Oh, God, why am I eating
on this table?
486
00:20:28,971 --> 00:20:33,971
== sync, corrected by elderman ==