00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,933 --> 00:00:03,243 Previously, on... 2 00:00:03,343 --> 00:00:04,078 H-Hello? 3 00:00:04,079 --> 00:00:06,346 Hey, Dad. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Tammy. 4 00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:08,463 Uh, Tammy, this is my dad Alan. 5 00:00:08,464 --> 00:00:09,765 It's a pleasure to meet you. 6 00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:10,849 How'd you two meet? 7 00:00:10,851 --> 00:00:12,234 A couple of us guys from the base 8 00:00:12,236 --> 00:00:14,019 went out drinking, and they bet me a hundred bucks 9 00:00:14,021 --> 00:00:15,553 that I wouldn't get this tattoo of two arms 10 00:00:15,555 --> 00:00:16,738 coming out of my butt crack. 11 00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:18,023 Oh, Jake, you didn't. 12 00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:20,692 No, Tammy wouldn't let me. Thank you for that. 13 00:00:20,694 --> 00:00:22,694 I took one look at his ass and I thought, 14 00:00:22,696 --> 00:00:25,447 I don't want to tattoo that, I want to bite that. 15 00:00:25,449 --> 00:00:27,366 She's old enough to have you as her kid. 16 00:00:27,368 --> 00:00:28,750 So what? You are, too. 17 00:00:28,752 --> 00:00:30,786 I-I don't understand why you're with Jake. 18 00:00:30,788 --> 00:00:33,238 The bottom line is, I think your son is terrific. 19 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,424 And I know what we have isn't gonna last forever, 20 00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,542 but it's what I want in my life right now. 21 00:00:37,544 --> 00:00:39,711 And I don't know when the last time you had sex 22 00:00:39,713 --> 00:00:43,765 with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a lot of fun. 23 00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:48,303 What a nice surprise 24 00:00:48,305 --> 00:00:50,105 to have you home for the weekend. 25 00:00:50,107 --> 00:00:51,640 Well, it's good to be home. 26 00:00:51,642 --> 00:00:56,061 Okay. I hate to be the one to break up this happy reunion, 27 00:00:56,063 --> 00:00:59,931 but you both do realize this is not your home. 28 00:00:59,933 --> 00:01:02,117 (chuckles) He's cute. 29 00:01:02,119 --> 00:01:04,769 He really is, though. 30 00:01:04,771 --> 00:01:06,338 ALAN: So, uh, so what's going on? 31 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:07,605 Anything new in the Army? 32 00:01:07,607 --> 00:01:08,991 Oh, did I tell you I got promoted? 33 00:01:08,993 --> 00:01:10,792 I'm in charge of three other guys in the kitchen now. 34 00:01:10,794 --> 00:01:12,744 Wow! My son the leader. 35 00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:15,113 Yeah, it's awesome. They have to do whatever I say. 36 00:01:15,115 --> 00:01:18,300 I made this one guy chug a tray of hot dog water. 37 00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:20,886 Uh, why would you do that? 38 00:01:20,888 --> 00:01:22,954 It's called earning respect, Dad. 39 00:01:22,956 --> 00:01:24,339 I-I don't understand. 40 00:01:24,341 --> 00:01:26,475 Which part? Earning or respect? 41 00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,844 Bazinga. 42 00:01:32,749 --> 00:01:34,900 Uh, it's from a TV show. 43 00:01:34,902 --> 00:01:37,402 So, uh, how are things with you and Tammy? 44 00:01:37,404 --> 00:01:39,271 Actually, we broke up. 45 00:01:40,306 --> 00:01:41,823 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened? 46 00:01:41,825 --> 00:01:43,408 We just decided it wasn't gonna work out. 47 00:01:43,410 --> 00:01:45,310 We had unrecognizable differences. 48 00:01:45,312 --> 00:01:48,980 Uh, u-unrecognizable differences? 49 00:01:48,982 --> 00:01:50,615 Yeah, you know, when you can't see 50 00:01:50,617 --> 00:01:53,502 what the problem is, but you just have to break up anyway. 51 00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,203 (doorbell rings) 52 00:01:55,205 --> 00:01:58,540 Somehow that actually makes sense. 53 00:01:58,542 --> 00:02:00,008 So, are you doing okay? 54 00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,927 I know breakups can be hard. 55 00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,546 Yeah, it actually helps to focus on my career. 56 00:02:04,548 --> 00:02:06,831 Get this-- one time I made the guys 57 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,468 stick their things in pudding. 58 00:02:12,688 --> 00:02:16,658 They must respect you so much. 59 00:02:17,710 --> 00:02:18,944 Tammy. 60 00:02:18,946 --> 00:02:20,445 Where the hell is he?! 61 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:21,930 I assume that you're talking... 62 00:02:21,932 --> 00:02:24,199 Jake! 63 00:02:24,201 --> 00:02:25,450 Uh-oh, uh-oh. Get back here, 64 00:02:25,452 --> 00:02:26,568 you son of a bitch! 65 00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,787 I am gonna kill you! 66 00:02:35,044 --> 00:02:38,830 I sense that he didn't tell us everything. 67 00:02:39,865 --> 00:02:43,251 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 68 00:02:43,253 --> 00:02:46,304 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh 69 00:02:46,306 --> 00:02:49,508 ♪ Men, men, men, manly men ♪ ♪ Ooh 70 00:02:49,510 --> 00:02:51,726 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪ 71 00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:53,478 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 72 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:57,232 ♪ Ooh ♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 73 00:02:57,234 --> 00:03:01,853 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 74 00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:09,042 JAKE: Let... let go of me! 75 00:03:09,043 --> 00:03:10,493 Am I hurting you? No. 76 00:03:10,495 --> 00:03:12,562 How about now? Ow, ow, ow. 77 00:03:12,564 --> 00:03:14,180 Wait, what-what the hell is going on? 78 00:03:14,182 --> 00:03:15,298 Tell them. 79 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:18,701 Um, I broke up with Tammy to see another girl. 80 00:03:18,703 --> 00:03:19,969 Oh, well, you know, 81 00:03:19,971 --> 00:03:21,387 sometimes relationships run their course... 82 00:03:21,389 --> 00:03:22,672 Tell them who it was. 83 00:03:22,674 --> 00:03:23,806 I don't think they really... 84 00:03:23,808 --> 00:03:25,875 Tell them! Ow! 85 00:03:25,877 --> 00:03:28,044 It was her daughter. 86 00:03:29,763 --> 00:03:33,733 Wait, wait, y-you slept with your girlfriend's daughter? 87 00:03:34,568 --> 00:03:35,735 Jerry Springer is taped 88 00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:38,071 before a live studio audience. 89 00:03:38,073 --> 00:03:41,457 I trusted you to be a good influence on Ashley. 90 00:03:41,459 --> 00:03:45,094 You know, it was your idea for us to spend time together. 91 00:03:45,096 --> 00:03:47,830 You were supposed to be tutoring her in math! 92 00:03:47,832 --> 00:03:49,265 What were you thinking? 93 00:03:51,251 --> 00:03:52,401 Jake tutoring math? 94 00:03:52,403 --> 00:03:54,704 What were you thinking? 95 00:03:54,706 --> 00:03:56,622 I figured you were gonna find another girl someday. 96 00:03:56,624 --> 00:03:58,174 I just didn't think it would be 97 00:03:58,176 --> 00:03:59,842 the one that came from my uterus. 98 00:03:59,844 --> 00:04:02,428 I'm sorry, it just sort of happened. 99 00:04:03,013 --> 00:04:04,180 Ow! 100 00:04:04,182 --> 00:04:07,133 Sorry, it just sort of happened. 101 00:04:07,135 --> 00:04:08,684 Jake, did you even once consider 102 00:04:08,686 --> 00:04:10,252 that there were other people involved? 103 00:04:10,254 --> 00:04:12,472 Yeah, of course. I mean, that's what made it so hot. 104 00:04:12,474 --> 00:04:13,940 Her mom was in the other room. 105 00:04:13,942 --> 00:04:15,458 That's it, I'm killing him! 106 00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:16,459 Dad! Dad! 107 00:04:16,461 --> 00:04:18,644 (chanting): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! 108 00:04:20,898 --> 00:04:23,566 Okay, walk me through this. 109 00:04:23,568 --> 00:04:25,034 Start from the beginning. 110 00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:28,104 Well, by all accounts, I was a happy baby. 111 00:04:28,106 --> 00:04:30,323 Fast-forward. 112 00:04:30,325 --> 00:04:32,575 You and Tammy's daughter. 113 00:04:32,577 --> 00:04:33,793 How? 114 00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,128 All right. 115 00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:38,331 Imagine Tammy at 18, in a string bikini, 116 00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:40,049 crying on your shoulder, saying, 117 00:04:40,051 --> 00:04:42,552 "Why can't all guys be like you?" 118 00:04:49,877 --> 00:04:51,477 Walden? 119 00:04:52,246 --> 00:04:55,231 Oh, sorry, I was still imagining. 120 00:04:55,233 --> 00:04:57,683 It was the perfect storm. 121 00:04:57,685 --> 00:05:00,103 Ashley, had just broken up with her boyfriend 122 00:05:00,105 --> 00:05:01,470 and Tammy was asleep. 123 00:05:01,472 --> 00:05:03,305 I'm the victim here. 124 00:05:09,413 --> 00:05:11,030 Okay, I... 125 00:05:11,032 --> 00:05:14,650 On one hand, your behavior is despicable. 126 00:05:14,652 --> 00:05:15,985 On the other, 127 00:05:15,987 --> 00:05:18,671 the elusive mother-daughter combo. Up top. 128 00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,375 But... (sighs) 129 00:05:22,377 --> 00:05:24,010 last time you were here, you were saying 130 00:05:24,012 --> 00:05:25,661 that Tammy was the love of your life 131 00:05:25,663 --> 00:05:26,996 and you wanted to marry her. 132 00:05:26,998 --> 00:05:30,499 What can I say? I was young and naive back then. 133 00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:33,436 That was six weeks ago. 134 00:05:33,438 --> 00:05:35,271 I never meant to hurt Tammy. 135 00:05:35,273 --> 00:05:36,772 I care about them both. 136 00:05:38,475 --> 00:05:40,726 Hey, do you think there would ever be a chance 137 00:05:40,728 --> 00:05:42,278 I could get them both together... 138 00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:49,685 You're adorable. 139 00:05:53,574 --> 00:05:55,992 What the hell is wrong with your son? 140 00:05:55,994 --> 00:05:59,045 That is a question for the ages. 141 00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:01,380 Kind of like, "If there really is a God, 142 00:06:01,382 --> 00:06:03,749 why is there so much sorrow in the world?" 143 00:06:03,751 --> 00:06:05,384 or, "How have I managed 144 00:06:05,386 --> 00:06:07,970 to keep living in this house all these years?" 145 00:06:07,972 --> 00:06:10,423 You know, I'm tempted to sleep with you just to get back 146 00:06:10,425 --> 00:06:11,390 at him. 147 00:06:11,392 --> 00:06:12,758 (gasping) 148 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,678 Oh, well, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm flattered, 149 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:16,896 but I actually... 150 00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,514 I was just kidding. 151 00:06:19,549 --> 00:06:22,218 (sighs) How could he do this to me? 152 00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:23,686 Well, you said yourself, 153 00:06:23,688 --> 00:06:26,239 you knew this thing with Jake wasn't gonna last. 154 00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:27,223 Yeah, but there are plenty 155 00:06:27,225 --> 00:06:28,658 of other little skanks in our town. 156 00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:30,409 Why did he have to pick my little skank? 157 00:06:30,411 --> 00:06:34,447 I wish there was something that would make you feel better. 158 00:06:34,449 --> 00:06:36,582 Uh, what if Jake apologized? 159 00:06:36,584 --> 00:06:38,584 What if I cut his balls off? 160 00:06:38,586 --> 00:06:41,237 So, we've got options. 161 00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:47,076 All right, you two, 162 00:06:47,078 --> 00:06:48,945 now-now, let's, uh, let's think of the couch 163 00:06:48,947 --> 00:06:51,814 as a safe place for communication. 164 00:06:51,816 --> 00:06:55,685 Uh, uh, neutral corner, neutral corner. 165 00:06:55,687 --> 00:06:58,271 Now, and-and this, uh, this pillow 166 00:06:58,273 --> 00:07:01,190 represents the wall of respect. 167 00:07:03,443 --> 00:07:06,145 Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna place it between the two of you. 168 00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:09,031 Okay? 169 00:07:09,033 --> 00:07:10,733 Now, uh, Tammy, would you like 170 00:07:10,735 --> 00:07:12,618 to start? 171 00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:14,287 Hey! Hey! 172 00:07:14,289 --> 00:07:16,739 She hit me with the wall of respect. 173 00:07:16,741 --> 00:07:18,824 And you slept with my daughter. 174 00:07:18,826 --> 00:07:20,559 So we'll call it even? 175 00:07:21,178 --> 00:07:22,295 Hey! 176 00:07:22,297 --> 00:07:24,080 What's going on? 177 00:07:24,082 --> 00:07:26,249 Oh, well, it's complicated. 178 00:07:26,251 --> 00:07:27,883 Uh, remember Jake's girlfriend Tammy? 179 00:07:27,885 --> 00:07:28,884 Yeah. 180 00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:31,087 She has an 18-year-old daughter... 181 00:07:31,089 --> 00:07:33,222 And Jake nailed her. 182 00:07:36,293 --> 00:07:38,978 Okay, not that complicated. 183 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,480 Uh, Jake, do you want to say something? 184 00:07:41,482 --> 00:07:42,865 All right. 185 00:07:42,867 --> 00:07:45,985 Uh, I'm sorry for cheating on you with your daughter. 186 00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,770 But, I mean, 187 00:07:47,772 --> 00:07:50,139 when you think about it, it's really a compliment. 188 00:07:50,141 --> 00:07:52,658 'Cause she's just a much younger version of you. 189 00:07:55,312 --> 00:07:56,329 (doorbell rings) 190 00:07:56,331 --> 00:07:58,364 I'll get that. I'll get that. 191 00:07:58,366 --> 00:08:00,366 I didn't know Jake had it in him. 192 00:08:00,368 --> 00:08:03,419 Apparently, he's had it in everybody. 193 00:08:04,621 --> 00:08:05,454 Ashley? 194 00:08:05,456 --> 00:08:07,823 Baby! 195 00:08:07,825 --> 00:08:09,458 Get your mouth off my daughter 196 00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:11,127 you cheating son of a bitch! 197 00:08:11,129 --> 00:08:14,263 Oh, that would make a great country song. 198 00:08:15,682 --> 00:08:17,183 Ashley, what are you doing here? 199 00:08:17,185 --> 00:08:20,219 Mom, I know you're upset and that's why I came, but... 200 00:08:20,221 --> 00:08:21,771 Hey, is that my shirt? 201 00:08:21,773 --> 00:08:23,639 Hey, is that my boyfriend? 202 00:08:23,641 --> 00:08:25,007 Oh, please! 203 00:08:25,009 --> 00:08:27,193 Like you haven't stolen boyfriends from me before. 204 00:08:27,195 --> 00:08:29,111 He was your teacher! 205 00:08:29,113 --> 00:08:31,364 Yeah, and thanks to you, I failed biology. 206 00:08:31,366 --> 00:08:32,898 No, biology failed me! 207 00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,450 (gasps) 208 00:08:34,452 --> 00:08:38,654 This makes me so homesick. 209 00:08:38,656 --> 00:08:39,789 Come on, Mom. 210 00:08:39,791 --> 00:08:41,907 No, Ashley, I am not gonna let you 211 00:08:41,909 --> 00:08:43,576 throw your life away for this loser. 212 00:08:43,578 --> 00:08:45,745 Hey, hey, that loser is my son. 213 00:08:45,747 --> 00:08:47,029 And your ex-boyfriend. 214 00:08:47,031 --> 00:08:48,631 Yeah, I was just having fun. 215 00:08:48,633 --> 00:08:50,333 Ashley needs to think about her future. 216 00:08:50,335 --> 00:08:52,201 Hey... he has a very bright... 217 00:08:53,236 --> 00:08:56,756 You know what, this is family business. 218 00:08:56,758 --> 00:08:58,257 You are not the boss of me. 219 00:08:58,259 --> 00:09:00,810 If I want to date a loser, then I will. 220 00:09:00,812 --> 00:09:02,845 Thank you. (doorbell rings) 221 00:09:02,847 --> 00:09:07,383 I can actually feel my IQ dropping. 222 00:09:11,271 --> 00:09:13,022 Are you Jake's father? 223 00:09:13,024 --> 00:09:13,889 Yeah. 224 00:09:13,891 --> 00:09:15,724 Oh! 225 00:09:17,277 --> 00:09:20,279 You don't have to pay me for today. 226 00:09:20,281 --> 00:09:22,782 ♪ Men. ♪ 227 00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:27,514 What the hell? 228 00:09:27,516 --> 00:09:28,932 Why did you hit me? 229 00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,967 Because I can't hit a kid. 230 00:09:30,969 --> 00:09:33,187 And your son's messing with my Ashley. 231 00:09:33,189 --> 00:09:34,104 You're Ashley's dad? 232 00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,206 Ew! No! Ew! No! 233 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,741 I'm her boyfriend. 234 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,743 Ew. No. Ew. No. 235 00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:43,147 He's my ex-boyfriend. 236 00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,198 I'm with Jake now. 237 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,167 Oh, come on, I take craps bigger than him. 238 00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:52,423 Takes me an hour and a half, but I do it. 239 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,124 What are you doing here, Jerry? 240 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,626 Whoa, Jerry? 241 00:09:56,377 --> 00:09:58,545 From Jerry's Cadillac in Tustin? 242 00:09:58,547 --> 00:09:59,713 That's right, son. 243 00:09:59,715 --> 00:10:01,348 No credit, no problem. 244 00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:02,433 Really? 245 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,718 "Want a Caddy, I'm your Daddy." 246 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,520 I want a daddy. 247 00:10:10,725 --> 00:10:12,609 I want you back, Ashley. 248 00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:14,695 (scoffs) Whatever. Too little, too late, Jer-Bear. 249 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,196 Yeah, Jer-Bear. 250 00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:19,366 You know, it's like that old song: "If you liked it, 251 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,918 then you should've put a ring on it." 252 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,970 Well, I bought you a belly ring. 253 00:10:22,972 --> 00:10:24,571 Oh, that was you? 254 00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:27,708 I chipped my tooth on that thing. 255 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,526 Uh, just out of curiosity, 256 00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:32,796 how did you meet Hannah Montana here? 257 00:10:33,882 --> 00:10:35,415 It's actually a cute story. 258 00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:36,967 We were shooting a commercial 259 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,336 for our Fourth of July Savings Spectacular. 260 00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,838 I was dressed as Uncle Sam, 261 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,973 with a row of pretty girls behind me 262 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,008 wearing bikinis and waving sparklers. 263 00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:46,643 I took one look at Ashley, 264 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:50,597 pointed at her and said, "Uncle Sam wants you." 265 00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:54,601 That is a cute story. 266 00:10:54,603 --> 00:10:57,821 Fireworks went off in my pants that night. 267 00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,942 Okay, not so cute anymore. 268 00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:04,778 I mean, how can you not love a girl like this? 269 00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:07,164 She's smart, she's funny, and she's got a better body 270 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,233 than the new SRX Crossover. Don't you, darling? 271 00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:12,553 Don't "darling" me. You had your chance and you blew it. 272 00:11:12,555 --> 00:11:15,205 Oh, come on, Ashley. I've been married four times. 273 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:17,291 And you know why they didn't work. 274 00:11:17,293 --> 00:11:18,709 I got a mistress, 275 00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:22,963 and her name is Customer Satisfaction. 276 00:11:22,965 --> 00:11:24,464 All right. 277 00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:27,050 Look, Jerry, if my little girl doesn't want to see you, 278 00:11:27,052 --> 00:11:28,251 then you got to go. 279 00:11:28,253 --> 00:11:30,854 Thanks, Mom. Shut up. 280 00:11:31,723 --> 00:11:33,757 Okay. 281 00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:36,059 It takes two to make a deal. 282 00:11:36,061 --> 00:11:38,729 But know this, Ashley: 283 00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:42,482 I guarantee I will always love you. 284 00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:47,037 Just like I guarantee no one can beat my prices. 285 00:11:52,911 --> 00:11:56,780 ♪ If you need a set of wheels, Jerry's making super deals ♪ 286 00:11:56,782 --> 00:12:01,752 ♪ At Jerry's Cadillac. ♪ 287 00:12:05,790 --> 00:12:07,724 Oh, come on. It's catchy. 288 00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:14,898 God, I've failed as a parent. 289 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:15,983 No. 290 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,484 Yeah. 291 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:20,320 Maybe. 292 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:23,323 My beautiful young daughter has narrowed her choices down 293 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:27,945 to a 19-year-old who needs to ask the Wizard for a brain 294 00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:29,529 and a sleazy car salesman 295 00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:33,667 who barely escaped a Dateline special. 296 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:36,203 O-Okay, so it's not an ideal situation, 297 00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:38,171 but... what is? 298 00:12:38,173 --> 00:12:39,873 Sometimes kids make mistakes. 299 00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:42,426 Yeah, sometimes kids are mistakes. 300 00:12:44,095 --> 00:12:45,679 Well, look, when I was a kid, 301 00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:47,998 I made a lot of choices my parents didn't agree with. 302 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,101 Like dropping out of M.I.T., and that turned out great. 303 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,135 (chuckles) 304 00:12:52,137 --> 00:12:53,353 Somehow I don't think 305 00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:56,006 Ashley's on the road to incredible wealth. 306 00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:58,191 She's more on the road 307 00:12:58,193 --> 00:13:01,528 to antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. 308 00:13:03,531 --> 00:13:05,616 Wow. 309 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:08,068 That's... just... 310 00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:10,787 Wow. 311 00:13:11,623 --> 00:13:13,690 When is it gonna stop? 312 00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,409 When's what gonna stop? 313 00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:16,627 The taking. 314 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,046 I mean, that's all kids ever do. 315 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,548 I mean, first they take over your body 316 00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,884 like a little parasite. 317 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:27,203 And then they trash your fun zone on the way out. 318 00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:32,092 Then they suck your boobs until your nipples 319 00:13:32,094 --> 00:13:35,211 look like the worn-out thumb on a work glove. 320 00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:39,983 You do paint a picture with your words. 321 00:13:41,002 --> 00:13:43,386 And then it gets really bad. 322 00:13:43,388 --> 00:13:46,657 They take your sleep, your time, 323 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,110 your favorite dress, keys to your car, 324 00:13:50,112 --> 00:13:52,362 the weed you had hidden in a cowboy boot 325 00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:54,781 in the back of your closet. 326 00:13:54,783 --> 00:13:57,000 Leave it up to my daughter to go the extra mile 327 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,234 and take my boyfriend. 328 00:13:58,236 --> 00:14:00,620 And you know why you keep giving? 329 00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,290 Because I'm a glutton for punishment? 330 00:14:03,292 --> 00:14:05,842 Because you love her, and you want what's best for her. 331 00:14:05,844 --> 00:14:07,911 I suppose. 332 00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:10,630 Okay, let me ask you this: were you happy with Jake? 333 00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,082 I mean, you know, 334 00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:14,885 before he started climbing the family tree. 335 00:14:16,754 --> 00:14:19,389 Honestly, Jake's a great guy. 336 00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:22,275 So isn't it possible 337 00:14:22,277 --> 00:14:25,395 that he may also be a great guy for your daughter? 338 00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:26,563 No. 339 00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:28,065 Yes. 340 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,232 Maybe. 341 00:14:31,969 --> 00:14:35,288 Really? The thumb on a work glove? 342 00:14:35,290 --> 00:14:37,290 Oh, honey, that was two boob jobs ago. 343 00:14:37,292 --> 00:14:40,577 These puppies can cut glass now. 344 00:14:50,955 --> 00:14:52,456 Sorry Jerry hit you, Dad. 345 00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,591 So am I. 346 00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:56,760 Yeah, what was that about? I mean, he won't hit a kid, 347 00:14:56,762 --> 00:14:59,462 but he'll hit somebody way older than him? 348 00:15:00,297 --> 00:15:01,631 What? 349 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:04,301 (loudly): I said, "He won't hit a kid, 350 00:15:04,303 --> 00:15:07,854 but he'll hit someone way older than him!" 351 00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:10,774 Hey. 352 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,160 (clears throat) 353 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,112 (sighs) 354 00:15:15,114 --> 00:15:17,480 I have something I want to say to you two. 355 00:15:17,482 --> 00:15:18,832 Don't care. 356 00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,952 I swear to God, Ashley, I paid to get those teeth straight, 357 00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,286 I will crooked 'em up again! 358 00:15:23,288 --> 00:15:25,072 WALDEN: Up-bup-bup-bup. 359 00:15:25,074 --> 00:15:27,657 Eye on the ball, Tammy. Eye on the ball. 360 00:15:30,011 --> 00:15:32,679 If you two want to be with each other, 361 00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,765 I am not gonna stand in your way. 362 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:35,782 Really? 363 00:15:35,784 --> 00:15:37,517 If you think you can be happy together, 364 00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:38,668 then be happy together. 365 00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,754 Wow. Thank you, Tammy. 366 00:15:40,756 --> 00:15:43,607 I... guess I just hope Ashley and I 367 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,610 can be as happy as you and I were. 368 00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:51,481 Stop talking. 369 00:15:53,351 --> 00:15:55,702 But I already am happy, Jake-Bear. 370 00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,021 Give me some sugar. 371 00:15:59,490 --> 00:16:02,692 This is the oddest family moment I have ever witnessed. 372 00:16:02,694 --> 00:16:04,327 (doorbell rings) 373 00:16:06,247 --> 00:16:08,331 Maybe I should grease up a pig 374 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,717 in case they want to wrestle later. 375 00:16:14,055 --> 00:16:15,005 Jerry. 376 00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:17,140 (sighs) I feel bad about before, 377 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:20,977 so I brought you an official Jerry's Cadillac beer koozie. 378 00:16:22,897 --> 00:16:24,514 I told you, it's over. 379 00:16:24,516 --> 00:16:26,566 You did. 380 00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,551 But I'm driving home 381 00:16:28,553 --> 00:16:31,554 in my limited edition Escalade... 382 00:16:35,159 --> 00:16:37,110 ...when it hits me. 383 00:16:37,112 --> 00:16:40,363 If I've learned one thing in my 25 years 384 00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,749 as Orange County's number one dealer 385 00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,701 of premium luxury vehicles, 386 00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,504 it's that you don't take no for an answer. 387 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:50,173 God, this guy's good. 388 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,759 So I came back here to ask you just 389 00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:53,977 one question. 390 00:16:53,979 --> 00:16:56,363 (gasps) 391 00:16:56,365 --> 00:16:59,916 What's it gonna take to get you into my life today? 392 00:17:00,968 --> 00:17:02,936 Oh, my God, look at the size of that rock. 393 00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,189 Dude, you can't buy her love with a diamond ring. 394 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,941 But wait, there's more. 395 00:17:10,111 --> 00:17:14,264 My manager's gonna kill me, but if you say yes right now... 396 00:17:16,150 --> 00:17:19,786 ...I will throw in a 2012 powder blue Mercedes SL 397 00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,372 I just bought at a police auction. 398 00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,942 I don't know what to do. 399 00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:29,279 ALAN and TAMMY: Take the car! 400 00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:30,380 Dad! 401 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:32,282 It's a Mercedes. 402 00:17:33,417 --> 00:17:34,885 We got a deal, Ashley? 403 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,053 Sold! 404 00:17:37,055 --> 00:17:39,756 OTHERS: Aw... 405 00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:42,008 Ew! 406 00:17:42,010 --> 00:17:44,627 I love these people. 407 00:17:44,629 --> 00:17:46,930 ♪ Men. ♪ 408 00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:52,896 (knocking, door opens) 409 00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:54,548 Jake? 410 00:17:57,018 --> 00:17:58,718 Doing okay? 411 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,320 I guess. 412 00:18:00,322 --> 00:18:03,039 I really screwed things up this time, didn't I? 413 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,724 Well... 414 00:18:04,726 --> 00:18:07,727 you certainly screwed everything you could. 415 00:18:07,729 --> 00:18:09,763 I mean, I had such a good thing going-- 416 00:18:09,765 --> 00:18:11,932 first with Tammy and then Ashley--- 417 00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:14,301 and now I'm all alone. 418 00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,236 That's because you're a Harper. 419 00:18:16,238 --> 00:18:17,654 It's what we do. 420 00:18:17,656 --> 00:18:20,907 We take something good and turn it into nothing. 421 00:18:21,776 --> 00:18:23,643 I don't like being a Harper. 422 00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:25,562 Nobody does, son. 423 00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:27,730 Nobody does. 424 00:18:33,704 --> 00:18:35,338 What a day, huh? 425 00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:36,873 Yeah. 426 00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:38,458 Sorry about all the trouble. 427 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:40,110 Oh. You kidding me? 428 00:18:40,112 --> 00:18:42,462 Jerry sold me an Escalade at dealer cost. 429 00:18:42,464 --> 00:18:45,382 Oh, honey, you didn't fall for that, did you? 430 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:49,185 He really is the king, isn't he? 431 00:18:50,021 --> 00:18:52,439 And my daughter gets to be the queen. 432 00:18:52,441 --> 00:18:55,308 It's a white trash fairy tale. 433 00:18:55,310 --> 00:18:57,277 Hey. Let's talk about something happier. 434 00:18:57,279 --> 00:18:59,362 Remember when Alan got punched in the face? 435 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:02,599 (laughing): Yeah. That was awesome. 436 00:19:03,784 --> 00:19:06,119 Mmm. (chuckles) (sighs) 437 00:19:06,121 --> 00:19:08,538 You know, the older I get, 438 00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:11,291 the less I understand about relationships. 439 00:19:11,293 --> 00:19:13,577 Me, too. I'm like a blind man 440 00:19:13,579 --> 00:19:16,062 trying to get out of a doorknob factory. 441 00:19:16,064 --> 00:19:18,798 I mean, how is that possible? 442 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,668 I mean, you're handsome and smart and charming... 443 00:19:21,670 --> 00:19:23,620 You're embarrassing me. 444 00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:25,672 Go on. 445 00:19:25,674 --> 00:19:27,641 I mean, you got the whole package. 446 00:19:27,643 --> 00:19:29,342 Well, you do, too. 447 00:19:29,344 --> 00:19:31,611 I mean, you're beautiful, you're independent, 448 00:19:31,613 --> 00:19:33,096 you're intelligent... 449 00:19:33,098 --> 00:19:34,397 Oh, stop. 450 00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:38,902 Well, don't actually stop. 451 00:19:38,904 --> 00:19:40,937 You're funny. 452 00:19:42,506 --> 00:19:43,506 You're... 453 00:19:44,775 --> 00:19:48,478 ...really, really beautiful. 454 00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:00,123 Okay, that probably wasn't a good idea. 455 00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,325 Definitely not. 456 00:20:05,858 --> 00:20:07,692 Berta's gonna love this. 457 00:20:07,694 --> 00:20:12,694 == sync, corrected by elderman ==