00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:04,515 --> 00:00:06,816 Morning. Morning. 2 00:00:06,818 --> 00:00:09,839 You, by chance, have the number of a good chiropractor? 3 00:00:09,848 --> 00:00:11,159 What about Alan? 4 00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:14,864 (laughing) 5 00:00:15,909 --> 00:00:18,427 Sorry. I couldn't resist. 6 00:00:18,429 --> 00:00:19,944 What, is your back out? 7 00:00:19,964 --> 00:00:22,882 Not yet, but I got a big date for Valentine's Day. 8 00:00:22,912 --> 00:00:26,067 And if everything goes well, I'll need a chiropractor, 9 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,544 a psychiatrist and a priest. 10 00:00:29,223 --> 00:00:31,609 I can't wait for this stupid holiday to be over 11 00:00:31,626 --> 00:00:33,734 so we can celebrate something cool, like... 12 00:00:33,766 --> 00:00:36,767 Free Bobblehead at Dodger Stadium Day. 13 00:00:37,243 --> 00:00:38,677 What are you talking about? 14 00:00:38,694 --> 00:00:40,093 Valentine's Day. 15 00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:41,392 Or what it should really be called 16 00:00:41,411 --> 00:00:43,310 Dumb Greeting Card, Chocolate-Covered, 17 00:00:43,322 --> 00:00:46,229 Overpriced Flowers, Can't Get a Dinner Reservation, 18 00:00:46,370 --> 00:00:49,370 I'm Probably Going to Die Alone Anyway Day. 19 00:00:49,835 --> 00:00:51,973 Sounds like Cupid's arrow hit somebody 20 00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:53,279 right in the the bile sack. 21 00:00:53,299 --> 00:00:56,284 Don't get my started on that fat, flying baby. 22 00:00:56,302 --> 00:00:58,185 What could you possibly have against Cupid? 23 00:00:58,198 --> 00:01:00,431 First of all, he's wearing a diaper. 24 00:01:00,599 --> 00:01:02,394 Yeah, that's sexy. 25 00:01:02,686 --> 00:01:04,085 And then he's got wings, 26 00:01:04,099 --> 00:01:06,447 which make you think of angels, which makes you think of God, 27 00:01:06,465 --> 00:01:07,473 which makes you feel guilty 28 00:01:07,488 --> 00:01:09,188 about having sex in the first place. 29 00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,286 And in the second place. 30 00:01:12,186 --> 00:01:15,701 Well, I, for one, am going all out for Lyndsey this year. 31 00:01:15,703 --> 00:01:17,386 Really? What's that mean? 32 00:01:17,388 --> 00:01:20,506 Cemetery flowers and a coupon for one free go-around 33 00:01:20,508 --> 00:01:22,892 on Mr. Alan's Wild Ride? 34 00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:25,173 I am sparing no expense. 35 00:01:25,190 --> 00:01:26,272 Lyndsey deserves the best, 36 00:01:26,288 --> 00:01:27,695 and I am finally going to give it to her. 37 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,907 Well, if you're giving it to her, 38 00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:30,783 it's not going to be the best. 39 00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:35,041 (cell phone chimes) 40 00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:36,971 Wow. 41 00:01:37,144 --> 00:01:38,026 What? 42 00:01:38,053 --> 00:01:40,363 I just got an e-mail from Kate. 43 00:01:40,378 --> 00:01:42,256 She's in town. She wants to see me. 44 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:43,335 Did she say why? 45 00:01:43,361 --> 00:01:44,193 No. 46 00:01:44,616 --> 00:01:46,394 Could be anything. 47 00:01:46,626 --> 00:01:48,277 It could be nothing. 48 00:01:48,293 --> 00:01:50,127 Could be something. 49 00:01:50,192 --> 00:01:51,541 Could be something serious. 50 00:01:51,552 --> 00:01:53,386 What if she's dying? 51 00:01:53,416 --> 00:01:55,049 What if she's pregnant? 52 00:01:55,089 --> 00:01:57,787 Wait, what if she's dying to be pregnant? 53 00:01:57,817 --> 00:02:00,618 The woman I love wants to have my child. 54 00:02:00,646 --> 00:02:03,280 Oh, my God, I'm going to be a father. 55 00:02:04,513 --> 00:02:07,272 Advantage: fat, flying baby. 56 00:02:07,824 --> 00:02:10,340 You have the number of a good chiropractor? 57 00:02:14,778 --> 00:02:17,565 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 58 00:02:17,753 --> 00:02:19,607 ♪ Ah... ♪ Men. 59 00:02:19,645 --> 00:02:21,893 ♪ Two and a Half Men 10x16 ♪ Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby Original Air Date on February 14, 2013 60 00:02:21,970 --> 00:02:24,260 == sync, corrected by elderman == Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth 61 00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:25,410 Kate. 62 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,427 Sam. 63 00:02:26,434 --> 00:02:27,817 Oh... it's... 64 00:02:27,899 --> 00:02:28,898 I'm kidding. 65 00:02:28,918 --> 00:02:31,085 Oh. Hi, Walden. 66 00:02:31,989 --> 00:02:33,121 Hi. 67 00:02:34,202 --> 00:02:35,369 Hi. Hi. 68 00:02:35,371 --> 00:02:37,487 I, uh... I got you your favorite coffee. 69 00:02:37,489 --> 00:02:38,800 Hey, how'd you remember? 70 00:02:38,819 --> 00:02:40,458 Please, how hard is it to remember 71 00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:43,424 a grande, extra hot, decaf, triple shot, five pump 72 00:02:43,449 --> 00:02:47,034 vanilla, nonfat, no foam, whip cream, caramel macchiato? 73 00:02:47,394 --> 00:02:49,510 Actually, I switched to tea. 74 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,918 Oh. It's a joke. 75 00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:56,306 Well, you look great. 76 00:02:56,692 --> 00:02:58,845 Success is really working for you. 77 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,887 Then again, you'd look great with a bag over your head. 78 00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:05,131 That didn't come off as charming as I wanted it to. 79 00:03:05,702 --> 00:03:06,936 Thank you. 80 00:03:06,956 --> 00:03:08,982 I can't believe how lucky I've been. 81 00:03:09,036 --> 00:03:11,748 Lucky? Come on, you have real talent. 82 00:03:11,918 --> 00:03:14,306 I-I actually bought one of your dresses 83 00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:16,142 off your Web site. Seriously? 84 00:03:16,144 --> 00:03:18,033 Yeah, I haven't had a chance to wear it yet. 85 00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:18,741 (laughs) 86 00:03:18,770 --> 00:03:21,608 I've been waiting for the perfect occasion. 87 00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:26,920 I was really surprised that you called me. 88 00:03:27,062 --> 00:03:29,597 Yeah, I'm actually in town for a couple of days 89 00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:32,426 on business, and I wanted to see you. 90 00:03:32,459 --> 00:03:34,160 You did? 91 00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:35,183 Me, too. 92 00:03:35,212 --> 00:03:38,065 I mean, other than stalking you on Facebook. 93 00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:42,383 Well, I wanted to give you this. 94 00:03:42,726 --> 00:03:45,318 It's the money you invested in me. 95 00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:47,744 Oh, Kate. 96 00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:49,178 I gave this to my girlfriend 97 00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:50,697 so she could follow her dreams. 98 00:03:50,713 --> 00:03:52,429 And I am paying back my investor 99 00:03:52,455 --> 00:03:54,381 so I don't owe him anything. 100 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,263 S-So this is why you wanted to see me. 101 00:03:57,286 --> 00:03:59,286 Walden, we broke up. 102 00:03:59,288 --> 00:04:00,217 When you break up, 103 00:04:00,223 --> 00:04:01,929 you give the other person their stuff back. 104 00:04:01,962 --> 00:04:04,546 Yes, but it's usually a cell phone charger 105 00:04:04,570 --> 00:04:05,952 and a bite guard. 106 00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:08,558 Well, in this case, it's $100,000. 107 00:04:08,612 --> 00:04:09,694 Well, I don't want it. 108 00:04:09,713 --> 00:04:11,463 But I do want my bite guard back. 109 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,643 Buy another one. 110 00:04:12,668 --> 00:04:14,423 Or 1,000 of them. 111 00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:17,660 Kate, just put the money into your business. 112 00:04:17,685 --> 00:04:19,769 It'll help you get to the next level. 113 00:04:19,809 --> 00:04:21,985 I don't need it. 114 00:04:22,010 --> 00:04:23,741 I've actually found a new investor. 115 00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:26,014 That's how I'm able to pay you back. 116 00:04:26,192 --> 00:04:29,200 So, we're no longer business partners. 117 00:04:29,325 --> 00:04:31,101 We are not. 118 00:04:32,553 --> 00:04:33,854 Well, that's great. 119 00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,221 That frees us up to be 120 00:04:35,223 --> 00:04:37,670 two young, crazy dreamers in love. 121 00:04:37,688 --> 00:04:38,757 No. 122 00:04:38,783 --> 00:04:42,768 Okay, how about two cautiously optimistic adults 123 00:04:42,792 --> 00:04:43,843 sharing dinner? 124 00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:45,276 I don't think that's a good idea. 125 00:04:45,287 --> 00:04:47,141 Give me one more run at this. 126 00:04:47,177 --> 00:04:48,238 (sighs) 127 00:04:48,425 --> 00:04:52,211 Two old friends, chance encounter, bus stop, 128 00:04:52,228 --> 00:04:53,833 sharing a bag of tacos. 129 00:04:53,848 --> 00:04:55,565 Not going to happen. 130 00:04:55,576 --> 00:04:56,980 Too bad. 131 00:04:57,018 --> 00:05:00,717 I was really looking for an excuse to wear my new dress. 132 00:05:04,385 --> 00:05:07,921 Hi. Um, I am interested in doing something special 133 00:05:07,923 --> 00:05:10,357 for my best gal on Valentine's Day. 134 00:05:10,359 --> 00:05:14,478 Uh, how much is your Presidential Suite? 135 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,316 Uh-huh, I-I see. 136 00:05:17,341 --> 00:05:19,040 Um, do you, by any chance, 137 00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,943 have a Secretary of Agriculture Suite? 138 00:05:24,686 --> 00:05:26,970 All right, all right, you know what, let me just book 139 00:05:26,992 --> 00:05:29,407 your best regular-people room, and, uh, 140 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:32,921 would it be possible to, uh, split the deposit 141 00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:35,525 over three credit cards? 142 00:05:35,887 --> 00:05:37,904 Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold. 143 00:05:39,803 --> 00:05:42,049 Oh, oh, hey, how'd it go with Kate? 144 00:05:42,085 --> 00:05:44,916 Let's just say she doesn't want me in her business. 145 00:05:44,957 --> 00:05:46,818 Financial or lady. 146 00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:48,852 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 147 00:05:48,873 --> 00:05:50,806 Yeah, the only reason she wanted to see me 148 00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:54,033 was to give me this stupid check for $100,000. 149 00:05:58,022 --> 00:06:00,711 (softly): You're not stupid to me. 150 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,194 So, uh, what's the next step? 151 00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:06,805 There is no next step. It's over. 152 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,072 What are you talking about? 153 00:06:08,087 --> 00:06:10,006 She doesn't want anything to do with me. 154 00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:10,624 (scoffs) 155 00:06:10,644 --> 00:06:12,393 Well, there's a good attitude. 156 00:06:12,416 --> 00:06:14,032 Let me ask you something. 157 00:06:14,048 --> 00:06:16,089 Was it over for Lyndsey and me 158 00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:18,510 when I burned her house to the ground? 159 00:06:19,608 --> 00:06:20,355 No. 160 00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:21,493 Was it over for us 161 00:06:21,510 --> 00:06:23,239 when I introduced her mom to my mom, 162 00:06:23,255 --> 00:06:26,262 who subsequently turned her into a rapacious lesbian? No. 163 00:06:26,550 --> 00:06:28,852 And-and-and what about me living in this house? 164 00:06:28,854 --> 00:06:31,341 Was it over when my brother died and you bought the place? 165 00:06:31,369 --> 00:06:32,762 Sadly, no. 166 00:06:32,780 --> 00:06:35,481 Right, because I am not a quitter. 167 00:06:35,652 --> 00:06:37,218 And you aren't, either. 168 00:06:37,241 --> 00:06:40,070 You're Walden Schmidt, captain of industry. 169 00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:42,223 Titan of technology. 170 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,324 Head honcho of... 171 00:06:45,651 --> 00:06:47,519 ...handsomeness. 172 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:48,786 Ran out of steam? 173 00:06:48,802 --> 00:06:52,103 Yes, but you'll notice I did not quit. 174 00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:54,127 Maybe you're right. 175 00:06:54,129 --> 00:06:55,328 Of course I'm right. 176 00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:57,864 Nothing is over until you say it's over. 177 00:06:57,866 --> 00:06:59,849 With the possible exception of me moving out, 178 00:06:59,851 --> 00:07:01,534 which will only happen when you wheel me 179 00:07:01,536 --> 00:07:03,183 into the assisted living facility. 180 00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:04,419 You're right. 181 00:07:04,445 --> 00:07:05,778 I'm going to go talk to her. 182 00:07:05,791 --> 00:07:06,757 Thank you, Alan. 183 00:07:06,781 --> 00:07:07,994 No problem, buddy. 184 00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:10,596 I will always be here for you. 185 00:07:11,610 --> 00:07:13,144 Literally. 186 00:07:14,645 --> 00:07:16,533 Oh, uh, hello. 187 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:17,734 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 188 00:07:17,749 --> 00:07:20,399 Um, I have a MasterCard, 189 00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:23,386 a Discover card and my mom's Visa. 190 00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:31,531 Walden. 191 00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:32,912 Great, you've already showered. 192 00:07:32,924 --> 00:07:34,474 Now, get dressed. We're going to dinner. 193 00:07:34,502 --> 00:07:35,801 What? No. 194 00:07:35,817 --> 00:07:38,392 (makes buzzer noise) Sorry, wrong answer. 195 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,707 The head honcho of handsomeness 196 00:07:40,709 --> 00:07:42,208 rejects your rejection. 197 00:07:42,210 --> 00:07:43,710 Is that a title you gave yourself? 198 00:07:43,712 --> 00:07:46,757 No, it was given to me by the man I live with. 199 00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:50,183 (sighs) How did you find my room? 200 00:07:50,185 --> 00:07:51,417 They told me at the front desk. 201 00:07:51,419 --> 00:07:52,469 They're not supposed to do that. 202 00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:53,637 They're also not supposed 203 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,805 to accept bribes, but here I am. 204 00:07:56,097 --> 00:07:58,214 I am not going to dinner with you. 205 00:07:58,628 --> 00:07:59,613 Fine. 206 00:07:59,945 --> 00:08:02,479 You don't want to go to dinner with me, then... 207 00:08:03,344 --> 00:08:06,939 ...then we will have dinner right here. 208 00:08:07,108 --> 00:08:09,883 Look, your favorite: a half-eaten lobster 209 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,635 with a cigarette butt in it. 210 00:08:11,681 --> 00:08:13,975 Oh, I was really hoping for coleslaw 211 00:08:13,997 --> 00:08:16,131 with a Band-Aid in it. 212 00:08:18,085 --> 00:08:20,547 Come on, Kate, go to dinner with him. 213 00:08:20,549 --> 00:08:22,567 Don't be so shellfish. 214 00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:24,334 (laughing) 215 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,415 You know you're an idiot, right? 216 00:08:26,436 --> 00:08:28,236 I'm a persistent idiot. 217 00:08:28,419 --> 00:08:29,245 (sighs) 218 00:08:29,266 --> 00:08:30,949 Let me get dressed. 219 00:08:32,843 --> 00:08:33,896 Yay. 220 00:08:39,973 --> 00:08:42,308 Why would I do that? 221 00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,585 Oh, hey, there's my valentine. 222 00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:50,276 Will you be mine? 223 00:08:50,287 --> 00:08:52,066 Hi, Alan. Yes, I will. 224 00:08:52,082 --> 00:08:53,598 Great, 'cause I got something special planned. 225 00:08:53,613 --> 00:08:54,982 Is this going to be another scavenger hunt 226 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,732 that ends in your pants? Ah... 227 00:08:56,752 --> 00:08:59,846 No, no, this year, I booked us a room at the Bel-Air Hotel 228 00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,504 with the full romance package. 229 00:09:01,506 --> 00:09:03,489 Oh, my God, are you serious? 230 00:09:03,491 --> 00:09:05,825 Oh, yeah, uh, candlelight dinner, dancing, 231 00:09:05,827 --> 00:09:08,078 couples massage, followed by savage sex 232 00:09:08,091 --> 00:09:09,598 with the man of your dreams. 233 00:09:09,609 --> 00:09:12,183 Steve Buscemi's going to be there? 234 00:09:12,369 --> 00:09:13,138 (laughing) 235 00:09:13,174 --> 00:09:14,654 That sounds amazing. 236 00:09:14,769 --> 00:09:16,068 But how can you afford it? 237 00:09:16,079 --> 00:09:16,941 Ah, bup, bup, bup. 238 00:09:16,949 --> 00:09:19,033 Nothing is too good for milady. 239 00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:20,748 Besides, a month without antidepressants 240 00:09:20,764 --> 00:09:22,147 isn't going to kill me. 241 00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:23,636 I don't know what to say. 242 00:09:23,645 --> 00:09:24,993 Oh, you don't have to say anything. 243 00:09:25,008 --> 00:09:26,140 Just pack your bag, 244 00:09:26,144 --> 00:09:28,256 and your chariot will arrive at 6:00. 245 00:09:28,288 --> 00:09:30,773 Yeah, would it be okay if we took my chariot? 246 00:09:30,786 --> 00:09:31,566 Why? 247 00:09:31,588 --> 00:09:34,029 Really, I have to say it out loud? 248 00:09:34,321 --> 00:09:36,413 I don't want to pull up to the Bel-Air Hotel 249 00:09:36,422 --> 00:09:38,048 in your piece-of-crap car. 250 00:09:38,056 --> 00:09:40,582 Oh, oh, uh, we can use your car. 251 00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:43,665 Oh, and if the front desk refers to you as Evelyn Harper, 252 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,053 just roll with it. 253 00:09:45,479 --> 00:09:46,466 Okay. 254 00:09:46,468 --> 00:09:47,717 Well, I love you. 255 00:09:47,719 --> 00:09:49,469 I love you, too. 256 00:09:50,064 --> 00:09:50,886 Well. 257 00:09:50,899 --> 00:09:52,199 That went well. 258 00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:55,999 I won't be needing these clues for the scavenger hunt. 259 00:09:58,758 --> 00:10:00,642 Wasn't that better than sitting in your room 260 00:10:00,663 --> 00:10:03,030 all alone watching porn? 261 00:10:04,107 --> 00:10:05,644 Is that what you do? 262 00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:07,721 What, me? No... 263 00:10:07,811 --> 00:10:09,403 I'm a Bible guy. 264 00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:11,399 (laughing) 265 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,888 Well, thanks. 266 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,746 I had a really nice time. 267 00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:17,212 Me, too. 268 00:10:21,285 --> 00:10:23,051 Well, good night. 269 00:10:24,853 --> 00:10:26,142 Uh, but... 270 00:10:26,288 --> 00:10:27,914 - Good night? - Yeah. 271 00:10:27,926 --> 00:10:30,623 Oh, I was hoping that maybe we could... 272 00:10:30,879 --> 00:10:33,342 you know, have hotel fun. 273 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,307 I don't sleep with guys on the first date. 274 00:10:36,339 --> 00:10:38,280 First date? We lived together. 275 00:10:38,303 --> 00:10:40,735 No, I lived with Sam Wilson. 276 00:10:41,406 --> 00:10:44,307 Who you bare an uncanny resemblance to, 277 00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:48,486 but... still, I think we should take it slow. 278 00:10:48,783 --> 00:10:50,765 Okay, I get it. 279 00:10:52,722 --> 00:10:54,156 Good night. 280 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,007 - Kate. - What do you want, Walden? 281 00:11:05,028 --> 00:11:07,896 Oh, uh... it's not Walden; it's Sam Wilson. 282 00:11:09,197 --> 00:11:10,514 Go away. 283 00:11:10,823 --> 00:11:12,906 Eh, it was worth a shot. 284 00:11:19,102 --> 00:11:20,285 Morning. 285 00:11:20,287 --> 00:11:21,767 Oh, there he is. 286 00:11:21,783 --> 00:11:22,971 Come here. 287 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,135 What? 288 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,260 Just come here. 289 00:11:28,866 --> 00:11:30,182 Oh! Oh, 290 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,827 What a lovely way to start the day. 291 00:11:34,348 --> 00:11:36,300 Don't kiss me. I have morning breath. 292 00:11:37,108 --> 00:11:38,675 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 293 00:11:38,686 --> 00:11:39,900 What did I do? 294 00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:40,857 You were right. 295 00:11:40,864 --> 00:11:42,258 Kate and I wound up having 296 00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,857 a great time last night. 297 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:44,852 Congratulations. 298 00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:46,645 Yeah. It was perfect. 299 00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,246 I mean, it was the same... 300 00:11:48,256 --> 00:11:50,140 chemistry, the same connection. 301 00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:51,733 Hmm, when you say "connection," 302 00:11:51,758 --> 00:11:53,520 are we talking "love connection"? 303 00:11:53,537 --> 00:11:55,257 And by "love connection" I mean, 304 00:11:55,273 --> 00:11:57,061 "brown chicken, brown cow." 305 00:11:58,645 --> 00:12:00,374 No. No? 306 00:12:00,394 --> 00:12:02,307 Nah, I didn't want to. 307 00:12:03,126 --> 00:12:05,602 You know, I just wanted to take it slow. 308 00:12:05,617 --> 00:12:08,433 So we could connect on a more emotional, spiritual level. 309 00:12:08,513 --> 00:12:09,219 Huh. 310 00:12:09,242 --> 00:12:11,966 Sounds pretty gay to me, but... all right. 311 00:12:12,162 --> 00:12:14,085 - So when are you gonna see her again? - Tonight. 312 00:12:14,094 --> 00:12:15,624 - On Valentine's Day? - Yep. 313 00:12:15,638 --> 00:12:17,467 Ooh, that's a terrific day not to get laid. 314 00:12:17,481 --> 00:12:18,591 I know, right? 315 00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:20,675 Oh, oh, hey, can I ask your opinion about something? 316 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:21,813 Yeah, of course. Great. 317 00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,115 What-what do you think of this? 318 00:12:23,122 --> 00:12:24,689 Whoa! Dude! 319 00:12:24,706 --> 00:12:25,838 What the hell? 320 00:12:25,852 --> 00:12:27,718 Oh, uh, I-I did a little manscaping 321 00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:30,245 for my, uh... my big night with Lyndsey tonight. 322 00:12:30,262 --> 00:12:31,544 I wanted to surprise her. 323 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,427 Uh... does this look like a heart? 324 00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:34,630 Uh... 325 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,186 Yeah, it looks great. I love it. 326 00:12:36,195 --> 00:12:38,312 You're not even looking. Come on, I had your back. 327 00:12:38,339 --> 00:12:40,748 Yeah, well, I don't want to have your front. 328 00:12:42,769 --> 00:12:43,935 Please? 329 00:12:44,581 --> 00:12:45,367 Fine. 330 00:12:45,386 --> 00:12:48,500 But I'm going to restrict my response to only the nest. 331 00:12:48,584 --> 00:12:50,025 I'm not going to comment 332 00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:52,336 on the baby bird sitting on top of the eggs. 333 00:12:52,512 --> 00:12:54,146 That's all I ask. 334 00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:02,115 No. 335 00:13:02,145 --> 00:13:03,806 Doesn't look like a heart. 336 00:13:04,478 --> 00:13:06,127 What? It-it doesn't? 337 00:13:06,181 --> 00:13:07,614 No. There's no... 338 00:13:07,642 --> 00:13:09,541 cleavage, there's no dip. 339 00:13:09,563 --> 00:13:11,397 It's just... there. 340 00:13:11,631 --> 00:13:13,503 Wait, what are you talking about? 341 00:13:13,519 --> 00:13:14,940 There's a... there's a curve right there. 342 00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:17,046 The whole thing is lopsided. 343 00:13:17,069 --> 00:13:19,820 Oh, no. It just looks that way 'cause I haven't fluffed. 344 00:13:19,848 --> 00:13:21,080 See? 345 00:13:22,625 --> 00:13:24,777 No, it still doesn't look like a heart. 346 00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:26,610 Fine, I'll keep working on it. 347 00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:29,000 But it is very difficult to manscape from this angle. 348 00:13:29,010 --> 00:13:30,955 - No, it's not. - Uh, yeah, it is. 349 00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:33,799 Okay, just for a frame of reference... 350 00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:35,847 check out my manscaping. 351 00:13:35,869 --> 00:13:37,504 Oh, my God. 352 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,780 - It's beautiful. - Mm-hmm. 353 00:13:40,016 --> 00:13:41,967 BERTA: I knew it. 354 00:13:42,263 --> 00:13:44,731 So that's how you pay the rent. 355 00:13:51,595 --> 00:13:53,862 Alan, come on, let's go. 356 00:13:53,889 --> 00:13:56,951 I want to spend every possible minute in that hotel room. 357 00:13:56,965 --> 00:13:59,095 ALAN: One second! Just finishing off 358 00:13:59,109 --> 00:14:00,778 one last Valentine's surp... 359 00:14:00,792 --> 00:14:02,153 (screams) 360 00:14:02,169 --> 00:14:03,385 Alan? 361 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:05,524 (gasps) 362 00:14:05,537 --> 00:14:07,921 Oh, my God, what happened? 363 00:14:08,046 --> 00:14:09,245 Manscaping... 364 00:14:09,389 --> 00:14:10,956 Balls... 365 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,900 Hospital! 366 00:14:17,077 --> 00:14:18,363 (heavy breathing) 367 00:14:18,365 --> 00:14:20,732 Well, I believe we just combined Valentine's Day 368 00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:22,951 with the Fourth of July. 369 00:14:22,953 --> 00:14:26,034 What do you say we throw in Groundhog Day and do it again? 370 00:14:26,197 --> 00:14:27,624 (laughs) 371 00:14:28,237 --> 00:14:29,787 You know... 372 00:14:29,813 --> 00:14:32,105 I had no intention of sleeping with you. 373 00:14:32,129 --> 00:14:34,412 I even wore my granny panties. 374 00:14:34,414 --> 00:14:35,914 Well, the joke's on you, 375 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,550 'cause I like a sensible, full-coverage brief. 376 00:14:38,615 --> 00:14:40,151 (laughs) 377 00:14:40,272 --> 00:14:42,234 I really missed you. 378 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,505 Me, too. 379 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:46,507 - Can I tell you a secret, though? - Sure. 380 00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:49,992 Sam Wilson is a much better lover than you. 381 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,126 I'm sorry. 382 00:14:53,148 --> 00:14:56,265 I couldn't get my mind off of Alan's penis. 383 00:14:56,436 --> 00:14:58,236 (laughs) 384 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,594 Oh, please drive faster. I'm bleeding out... 385 00:15:04,678 --> 00:15:06,117 of my scrotum. 386 00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:06,973 (groans) 387 00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:08,802 Where in the world did you get the idea 388 00:15:08,823 --> 00:15:10,916 to shave your pubic hair into a heart? 389 00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:12,584 I read about it in a magazine. 390 00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:13,734 What magazine? 391 00:15:13,753 --> 00:15:15,499 Marie Claire. 392 00:15:15,672 --> 00:15:17,516 Doesn't look much like a heart. 393 00:15:17,539 --> 00:15:19,723 Well, it's bleeding like one. 394 00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,161 (siren wails) 395 00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:22,484 Oh... 396 00:15:22,495 --> 00:15:24,079 Oh. Oh, my God. 397 00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,077 This is the end. I'm seeing lights. 398 00:15:26,082 --> 00:15:27,475 You're not dying. 399 00:15:27,492 --> 00:15:28,704 We're getting pulled over. 400 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,790 Oh, nice job, lead foot. 401 00:15:32,193 --> 00:15:34,048 Do you want to keep your other ball? 402 00:15:34,715 --> 00:15:35,946 Evening, ma'am. 403 00:15:35,962 --> 00:15:37,278 Do you know why I pulled you over? 404 00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:39,833 I know I was speeding, but I have a very good excuse. 405 00:15:39,852 --> 00:15:40,869 Is that so? 406 00:15:40,885 --> 00:15:41,917 Show him, Alan. 407 00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:43,181 What? No! 408 00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:44,219 Show him. 409 00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:45,581 Oh... 410 00:15:45,619 --> 00:15:48,320 Oh, sweet mother of God! 411 00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:51,538 Is that a heart? 412 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,315 Thank you. 413 00:15:58,581 --> 00:15:59,965 (gasps) Oh, my God! 414 00:15:59,977 --> 00:16:02,087 Wha...? Alan, no. 415 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,016 Sorry. What's... what's going on? 416 00:16:07,038 --> 00:16:08,701 You're not going to believe this. 417 00:16:08,724 --> 00:16:11,089 My business partner just found a factory. 418 00:16:11,126 --> 00:16:13,917 We can start production on my line immediately. 419 00:16:13,995 --> 00:16:15,244 That's great. 420 00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:16,387 Congratulations. 421 00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:18,699 Oh, my God, this is so exciting. 422 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,303 We leave for China tomorrow. 423 00:16:21,769 --> 00:16:23,501 Tomorrow? 424 00:16:23,823 --> 00:16:26,491 Oh, you know what? Wait... 425 00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:28,805 I'm gonna be in Japan 426 00:16:28,832 --> 00:16:31,157 in two weeks on business. 427 00:16:31,176 --> 00:16:32,742 I could hop over to China. 428 00:16:32,754 --> 00:16:34,209 We could get some kung pao chicken, 429 00:16:34,223 --> 00:16:35,723 maybe adopt a baby. 430 00:16:36,123 --> 00:16:37,256 Oh... 431 00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:39,895 Kung pao chicken is such a commitment. 432 00:16:41,049 --> 00:16:42,349 Ah, wait. 433 00:16:42,357 --> 00:16:44,812 In two weeks, I have to be back here. 434 00:16:44,846 --> 00:16:46,198 Okay. 435 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:47,881 Oh, how about the week of the tenth? 436 00:16:47,898 --> 00:16:50,315 I have a tech conference in Austin. You could come with me. 437 00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:51,487 Oh. Let me check. 438 00:16:51,504 --> 00:16:53,404 I don't know if you've ever been to a tech conference, 439 00:16:53,437 --> 00:16:56,438 but picture a comic book convention with nerdier guys. 440 00:16:56,854 --> 00:16:58,693 You would be their queen. 441 00:16:58,725 --> 00:17:00,174 (laughs) 442 00:17:00,208 --> 00:17:02,589 Ah, no, that won't work. 443 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:03,699 Um... 444 00:17:03,719 --> 00:17:05,268 How about first week in May? 445 00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:07,106 I can do the second. 446 00:17:07,136 --> 00:17:08,851 And I can't. 447 00:17:10,609 --> 00:17:13,280 This was a lot easier when we were both broke. 448 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,300 It was. (chuckles) 449 00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,565 How about this? 450 00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:20,745 Are you free for sex in 30 seconds? 451 00:17:20,779 --> 00:17:22,996 I have an opening. 452 00:17:24,939 --> 00:17:26,787 Let me check. 453 00:17:26,826 --> 00:17:28,743 Well, I'll have to move 454 00:17:28,753 --> 00:17:30,758 a few things around, but yes, I am. 455 00:17:30,766 --> 00:17:31,932 (laughs) 456 00:17:36,077 --> 00:17:37,127 Hi. 457 00:17:37,248 --> 00:17:38,285 Hi. 458 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:40,021 How you doing? 459 00:17:40,049 --> 00:17:41,265 I'm high, 460 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,296 humiliated and hairless. 461 00:17:44,603 --> 00:17:46,890 I'm sorry I ruined Valentine's Day. 462 00:17:46,904 --> 00:17:48,422 What are you talking about? 463 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,790 Well, I wanted it to be special because, you know, 464 00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:53,595 I haven't always been the best boyfriend, 465 00:17:53,635 --> 00:17:56,303 or even a good boyfriend. 466 00:17:56,739 --> 00:17:58,801 Or even an adequate boyfr... 467 00:17:58,824 --> 00:18:01,506 Feel free to stop me at any time. 468 00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:03,445 I'm just teasing you. 469 00:18:03,462 --> 00:18:05,912 The fact that you even tried means everything to me. 470 00:18:05,931 --> 00:18:07,908 Really? Really. 471 00:18:07,922 --> 00:18:10,928 And driving 95 miles an hour behind a police escort? 472 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,348 Best Valentine's Day ever. 473 00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:17,057 Oh, hey, you know, uh... 474 00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:19,413 we could pull this curtain. 475 00:18:19,428 --> 00:18:20,730 Seriously? 476 00:18:20,755 --> 00:18:23,192 They just put ten stitches in your junk. 477 00:18:23,239 --> 00:18:26,347 I thought we could take advantage of the swelling. 478 00:18:28,371 --> 00:18:30,030 Okay. 479 00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:35,062 LYNDSEY: You ready? 480 00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:36,561 ALAN: Ow. 481 00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:38,306 Ow, ow. 482 00:18:38,365 --> 00:18:40,915 Ow! Don't-don't stop. 483 00:18:40,959 --> 00:18:42,404 Ow! 484 00:18:42,439 --> 00:18:44,773 (Alan groaning) 485 00:18:48,856 --> 00:18:51,775 I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... 486 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,089 how's your ball? 487 00:18:55,048 --> 00:18:57,316 Throbbing and green. 488 00:18:57,396 --> 00:18:59,763 So what's going on with you and Kate? 489 00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,322 I don't know. 490 00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:03,239 It's going to be hard to make a relationship work 491 00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,701 with her traveling all around the world. 492 00:19:04,715 --> 00:19:06,481 Mmm, that's rough. 493 00:19:06,549 --> 00:19:10,455 Not "tetanus shot in your sack" rough, but... 494 00:19:11,097 --> 00:19:13,223 Hey, how's she affording all this? 495 00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:15,277 She's got some new investor with a lot of money. 496 00:19:15,309 --> 00:19:16,644 Oh, that's nice. 497 00:19:16,681 --> 00:19:19,636 Yeah, except I don't know if I'm ever gonna see her again. 498 00:19:19,679 --> 00:19:22,732 If you don't leave it alone, it'll never heal. 499 00:19:24,187 --> 00:19:25,520 If you don't stop doing that, 500 00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:28,192 I'm gonna make you wear a cone around it. 501 00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:34,180 What a stroke of luck, you finding that factory in China. 502 00:19:34,204 --> 00:19:36,037 ROSE: I know. 503 00:19:39,453 --> 00:19:42,594 Sometimes fate steps in and makes things happen. 504 00:19:42,663 --> 00:19:45,532 I'm not gonna lie-- I wish the timing were better. 505 00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:49,201 Well, if he really loves you, he'll wait for you. 506 00:19:49,258 --> 00:19:51,793 How did you know I have a boyfriend? 507 00:19:51,855 --> 00:19:54,950 Oh, a pretty girl like you? You'd have to have a boyfriend. 508 00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,401 He's amazing. 509 00:19:56,435 --> 00:19:58,336 I'm crazy about him. 510 00:19:58,374 --> 00:19:59,940 Been there. 511 00:20:03,822 --> 00:20:08,822 == sync, corrected by elderman == Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth