00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:04,515 --> 00:00:06,816
Morning.
Morning.
2
00:00:06,818 --> 00:00:09,839
You, by chance, have the number
of a good chiropractor?
3
00:00:09,848 --> 00:00:11,159
What about Alan?
4
00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:14,864
(laughing)
5
00:00:15,909 --> 00:00:18,427
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
6
00:00:18,429 --> 00:00:19,944
What, is your back out?
7
00:00:19,964 --> 00:00:22,882
Not yet, but I got a big date
for Valentine's Day.
8
00:00:22,912 --> 00:00:26,067
And if everything goes well,
I'll need a chiropractor,
9
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,544
a psychiatrist and a priest.
10
00:00:29,223 --> 00:00:31,609
I can't wait for this
stupid holiday to be over
11
00:00:31,626 --> 00:00:33,734
so we can celebrate
something cool, like...
12
00:00:33,766 --> 00:00:36,767
Free Bobblehead
at Dodger Stadium Day.
13
00:00:37,243 --> 00:00:38,677
What are you
talking about?
14
00:00:38,694 --> 00:00:40,093
Valentine's Day.
15
00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:41,392
Or what it should really
be called
16
00:00:41,411 --> 00:00:43,310
Dumb Greeting Card,
Chocolate-Covered,
17
00:00:43,322 --> 00:00:46,229
Overpriced Flowers,
Can't Get a Dinner Reservation,
18
00:00:46,370 --> 00:00:49,370
I'm Probably Going
to Die Alone Anyway Day.
19
00:00:49,835 --> 00:00:51,973
Sounds like
Cupid's arrow hit somebody
20
00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:53,279
right in the the bile sack.
21
00:00:53,299 --> 00:00:56,284
Don't get my started
on that fat, flying baby.
22
00:00:56,302 --> 00:00:58,185
What could you possibly have
against Cupid?
23
00:00:58,198 --> 00:01:00,431
First of all,
he's wearing a diaper.
24
00:01:00,599 --> 00:01:02,394
Yeah, that's sexy.
25
00:01:02,686 --> 00:01:04,085
And then he's got wings,
26
00:01:04,099 --> 00:01:06,447
which make you think of angels,
which makes you think of God,
27
00:01:06,465 --> 00:01:07,473
which makes you feel guilty
28
00:01:07,488 --> 00:01:09,188
about having sex
in the first place.
29
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,286
And in the second place.
30
00:01:12,186 --> 00:01:15,701
Well, I, for one, am going
all out for Lyndsey this year.
31
00:01:15,703 --> 00:01:17,386
Really?
What's that mean?
32
00:01:17,388 --> 00:01:20,506
Cemetery flowers and a coupon
for one free go-around
33
00:01:20,508 --> 00:01:22,892
on Mr. Alan's Wild Ride?
34
00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:25,173
I am sparing no expense.
35
00:01:25,190 --> 00:01:26,272
Lyndsey deserves the best,
36
00:01:26,288 --> 00:01:27,695
and I am finally going
to give it to her.
37
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,907
Well, if you're
giving it to her,
38
00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:30,783
it's not going to be the best.
39
00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:35,041
(cell phone chimes)
40
00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:36,971
Wow.
41
00:01:37,144 --> 00:01:38,026
What?
42
00:01:38,053 --> 00:01:40,363
I just got an e-mail from Kate.
43
00:01:40,378 --> 00:01:42,256
She's in town.
She wants to see me.
44
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:43,335
Did she say why?
45
00:01:43,361 --> 00:01:44,193
No.
46
00:01:44,616 --> 00:01:46,394
Could be anything.
47
00:01:46,626 --> 00:01:48,277
It could be nothing.
48
00:01:48,293 --> 00:01:50,127
Could be something.
49
00:01:50,192 --> 00:01:51,541
Could be something serious.
50
00:01:51,552 --> 00:01:53,386
What if she's dying?
51
00:01:53,416 --> 00:01:55,049
What if she's pregnant?
52
00:01:55,089 --> 00:01:57,787
Wait, what if she's dying
to be pregnant?
53
00:01:57,817 --> 00:02:00,618
The woman I love
wants to have my child.
54
00:02:00,646 --> 00:02:03,280
Oh, my God,
I'm going to be a father.
55
00:02:04,513 --> 00:02:07,272
Advantage: fat, flying baby.
56
00:02:07,824 --> 00:02:10,340
You have the number
of a good chiropractor?
57
00:02:14,778 --> 00:02:17,565
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
58
00:02:17,753 --> 00:02:19,607
♪ Ah...
♪ Men.
59
00:02:19,645 --> 00:02:21,893
♪ Two and a Half Men 10x16 ♪
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
Original Air Date on February 14, 2013
60
00:02:21,970 --> 00:02:24,260
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth
61
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:25,410
Kate.
62
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,427
Sam.
63
00:02:26,434 --> 00:02:27,817
Oh... it's...
64
00:02:27,899 --> 00:02:28,898
I'm kidding.
65
00:02:28,918 --> 00:02:31,085
Oh.
Hi, Walden.
66
00:02:31,989 --> 00:02:33,121
Hi.
67
00:02:34,202 --> 00:02:35,369
Hi.
Hi.
68
00:02:35,371 --> 00:02:37,487
I, uh... I got you
your favorite coffee.
69
00:02:37,489 --> 00:02:38,800
Hey, how'd you remember?
70
00:02:38,819 --> 00:02:40,458
Please, how hard is it
to remember
71
00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:43,424
a grande, extra hot, decaf,
triple shot, five pump
72
00:02:43,449 --> 00:02:47,034
vanilla, nonfat, no foam,
whip cream, caramel macchiato?
73
00:02:47,394 --> 00:02:49,510
Actually, I switched to tea.
74
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,918
Oh.
It's a joke.
75
00:02:53,444 --> 00:02:56,306
Well, you look great.
76
00:02:56,692 --> 00:02:58,845
Success is really
working for you.
77
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,887
Then again, you'd look great
with a bag over your head.
78
00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:05,131
That didn't come off as
charming as I wanted it to.
79
00:03:05,702 --> 00:03:06,936
Thank you.
80
00:03:06,956 --> 00:03:08,982
I can't believe
how lucky I've been.
81
00:03:09,036 --> 00:03:11,748
Lucky? Come on,
you have real talent.
82
00:03:11,918 --> 00:03:14,306
I-I actually bought
one of your dresses
83
00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:16,142
off your Web site.
Seriously?
84
00:03:16,144 --> 00:03:18,033
Yeah, I haven't had
a chance to wear it yet.
85
00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:18,741
(laughs)
86
00:03:18,770 --> 00:03:21,608
I've been waiting
for the perfect occasion.
87
00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:26,920
I was really surprised
that you called me.
88
00:03:27,062 --> 00:03:29,597
Yeah, I'm actually in town
for a couple of days
89
00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:32,426
on business,
and I wanted to see you.
90
00:03:32,459 --> 00:03:34,160
You did?
91
00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:35,183
Me, too.
92
00:03:35,212 --> 00:03:38,065
I mean, other than stalking you
on Facebook.
93
00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:42,383
Well, I wanted
to give you this.
94
00:03:42,726 --> 00:03:45,318
It's the money
you invested in me.
95
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:47,744
Oh, Kate.
96
00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:49,178
I gave this to my girlfriend
97
00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:50,697
so she could
follow her dreams.
98
00:03:50,713 --> 00:03:52,429
And I am paying back my investor
99
00:03:52,455 --> 00:03:54,381
so I don't owe him anything.
100
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,263
S-So this is why
you wanted to see me.
101
00:03:57,286 --> 00:03:59,286
Walden, we broke up.
102
00:03:59,288 --> 00:04:00,217
When you break up,
103
00:04:00,223 --> 00:04:01,929
you give the other person
their stuff back.
104
00:04:01,962 --> 00:04:04,546
Yes, but it's usually
a cell phone charger
105
00:04:04,570 --> 00:04:05,952
and a bite guard.
106
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:08,558
Well, in this case,
it's $100,000.
107
00:04:08,612 --> 00:04:09,694
Well, I don't want it.
108
00:04:09,713 --> 00:04:11,463
But I do want
my bite guard back.
109
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,643
Buy another one.
110
00:04:12,668 --> 00:04:14,423
Or 1,000 of them.
111
00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:17,660
Kate, just put the money
into your business.
112
00:04:17,685 --> 00:04:19,769
It'll help you get
to the next level.
113
00:04:19,809 --> 00:04:21,985
I don't need it.
114
00:04:22,010 --> 00:04:23,741
I've actually found
a new investor.
115
00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:26,014
That's how I'm able
to pay you back.
116
00:04:26,192 --> 00:04:29,200
So, we're no longer
business partners.
117
00:04:29,325 --> 00:04:31,101
We are not.
118
00:04:32,553 --> 00:04:33,854
Well, that's great.
119
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,221
That frees us up to be
120
00:04:35,223 --> 00:04:37,670
two young,
crazy dreamers in love.
121
00:04:37,688 --> 00:04:38,757
No.
122
00:04:38,783 --> 00:04:42,768
Okay, how about two
cautiously optimistic adults
123
00:04:42,792 --> 00:04:43,843
sharing dinner?
124
00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:45,276
I don't think
that's a good idea.
125
00:04:45,287 --> 00:04:47,141
Give me one more run at this.
126
00:04:47,177 --> 00:04:48,238
(sighs)
127
00:04:48,425 --> 00:04:52,211
Two old friends,
chance encounter, bus stop,
128
00:04:52,228 --> 00:04:53,833
sharing a bag of tacos.
129
00:04:53,848 --> 00:04:55,565
Not going to happen.
130
00:04:55,576 --> 00:04:56,980
Too bad.
131
00:04:57,018 --> 00:05:00,717
I was really looking for
an excuse to wear my new dress.
132
00:05:04,385 --> 00:05:07,921
Hi. Um, I am interested
in doing something special
133
00:05:07,923 --> 00:05:10,357
for my best gal
on Valentine's Day.
134
00:05:10,359 --> 00:05:14,478
Uh, how much
is your Presidential Suite?
135
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,316
Uh-huh, I-I see.
136
00:05:17,341 --> 00:05:19,040
Um, do you, by any chance,
137
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,943
have a
Secretary of Agriculture Suite?
138
00:05:24,686 --> 00:05:26,970
All right, all right,
you know what, let me just book
139
00:05:26,992 --> 00:05:29,407
your best regular-people room,
and, uh,
140
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:32,921
would it be possible to, uh,
split the deposit
141
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:35,525
over three credit cards?
142
00:05:35,887 --> 00:05:37,904
Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold.
143
00:05:39,803 --> 00:05:42,049
Oh, oh, hey,
how'd it go with Kate?
144
00:05:42,085 --> 00:05:44,916
Let's just say she doesn't
want me in her business.
145
00:05:44,957 --> 00:05:46,818
Financial or lady.
146
00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:48,852
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
147
00:05:48,873 --> 00:05:50,806
Yeah, the only reason
she wanted to see me
148
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:54,033
was to give me this stupid check
for $100,000.
149
00:05:58,022 --> 00:06:00,711
(softly):
You're not stupid to me.
150
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,194
So, uh, what's
the next step?
151
00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:06,805
There is no next step.
It's over.
152
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,072
What are you talking about?
153
00:06:08,087 --> 00:06:10,006
She doesn't want anything
to do with me.
154
00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:10,624
(scoffs)
155
00:06:10,644 --> 00:06:12,393
Well, there's a good attitude.
156
00:06:12,416 --> 00:06:14,032
Let me ask you something.
157
00:06:14,048 --> 00:06:16,089
Was it over for Lyndsey and me
158
00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:18,510
when I burned her house
to the ground?
159
00:06:19,608 --> 00:06:20,355
No.
160
00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:21,493
Was it over for us
161
00:06:21,510 --> 00:06:23,239
when I introduced
her mom to my mom,
162
00:06:23,255 --> 00:06:26,262
who subsequently turned her
into a rapacious lesbian? No.
163
00:06:26,550 --> 00:06:28,852
And-and-and what about
me living in this house?
164
00:06:28,854 --> 00:06:31,341
Was it over when my brother died
and you bought the place?
165
00:06:31,369 --> 00:06:32,762
Sadly, no.
166
00:06:32,780 --> 00:06:35,481
Right, because I am not
a quitter.
167
00:06:35,652 --> 00:06:37,218
And you aren't, either.
168
00:06:37,241 --> 00:06:40,070
You're Walden Schmidt,
captain of industry.
169
00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:42,223
Titan of technology.
170
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,324
Head honcho of...
171
00:06:45,651 --> 00:06:47,519
...handsomeness.
172
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:48,786
Ran out of steam?
173
00:06:48,802 --> 00:06:52,103
Yes, but you'll notice
I did not quit.
174
00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:54,127
Maybe you're right.
175
00:06:54,129 --> 00:06:55,328
Of course I'm right.
176
00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:57,864
Nothing is over until
you say it's over.
177
00:06:57,866 --> 00:06:59,849
With the possible exception
of me moving out,
178
00:06:59,851 --> 00:07:01,534
which will only happen
when you wheel me
179
00:07:01,536 --> 00:07:03,183
into the assisted
living facility.
180
00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:04,419
You're right.
181
00:07:04,445 --> 00:07:05,778
I'm going to go
talk to her.
182
00:07:05,791 --> 00:07:06,757
Thank you, Alan.
183
00:07:06,781 --> 00:07:07,994
No problem, buddy.
184
00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:10,596
I will always be here for you.
185
00:07:11,610 --> 00:07:13,144
Literally.
186
00:07:14,645 --> 00:07:16,533
Oh, uh, hello.
187
00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:17,734
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
188
00:07:17,749 --> 00:07:20,399
Um, I have a MasterCard,
189
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:23,386
a Discover card
and my mom's Visa.
190
00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:31,531
Walden.
191
00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:32,912
Great, you've already showered.
192
00:07:32,924 --> 00:07:34,474
Now, get dressed.
We're going to dinner.
193
00:07:34,502 --> 00:07:35,801
What? No.
194
00:07:35,817 --> 00:07:38,392
(makes buzzer noise)
Sorry, wrong answer.
195
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,707
The head honcho
of handsomeness
196
00:07:40,709 --> 00:07:42,208
rejects your rejection.
197
00:07:42,210 --> 00:07:43,710
Is that a title
you gave yourself?
198
00:07:43,712 --> 00:07:46,757
No, it was given to me
by the man I live with.
199
00:07:48,026 --> 00:07:50,183
(sighs)
How did you find my room?
200
00:07:50,185 --> 00:07:51,417
They told me at the front desk.
201
00:07:51,419 --> 00:07:52,469
They're not supposed to do that.
202
00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:53,637
They're also not supposed
203
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,805
to accept bribes,
but here I am.
204
00:07:56,097 --> 00:07:58,214
I am not going to dinner
with you.
205
00:07:58,628 --> 00:07:59,613
Fine.
206
00:07:59,945 --> 00:08:02,479
You don't want to go to dinner
with me, then...
207
00:08:03,344 --> 00:08:06,939
...then we will have
dinner right here.
208
00:08:07,108 --> 00:08:09,883
Look, your favorite:
a half-eaten lobster
209
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,635
with a
cigarette butt in it.
210
00:08:11,681 --> 00:08:13,975
Oh, I was really hoping
for coleslaw
211
00:08:13,997 --> 00:08:16,131
with a Band-Aid in it.
212
00:08:18,085 --> 00:08:20,547
Come on, Kate,
go to dinner with him.
213
00:08:20,549 --> 00:08:22,567
Don't be so shellfish.
214
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:24,334
(laughing)
215
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,415
You know you're an idiot, right?
216
00:08:26,436 --> 00:08:28,236
I'm a persistent idiot.
217
00:08:28,419 --> 00:08:29,245
(sighs)
218
00:08:29,266 --> 00:08:30,949
Let me get dressed.
219
00:08:32,843 --> 00:08:33,896
Yay.
220
00:08:39,973 --> 00:08:42,308
Why would I do that?
221
00:08:45,583 --> 00:08:48,585
Oh, hey, there's
my valentine.
222
00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:50,276
Will you be mine?
223
00:08:50,287 --> 00:08:52,066
Hi, Alan.
Yes, I will.
224
00:08:52,082 --> 00:08:53,598
Great, 'cause I got something
special planned.
225
00:08:53,613 --> 00:08:54,982
Is this going to be
another scavenger hunt
226
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,732
that ends in your pants?
Ah...
227
00:08:56,752 --> 00:08:59,846
No, no, this year, I booked us
a room at the Bel-Air Hotel
228
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,504
with the full romance package.
229
00:09:01,506 --> 00:09:03,489
Oh, my God, are you serious?
230
00:09:03,491 --> 00:09:05,825
Oh, yeah, uh,
candlelight dinner, dancing,
231
00:09:05,827 --> 00:09:08,078
couples massage,
followed by savage sex
232
00:09:08,091 --> 00:09:09,598
with the man of your dreams.
233
00:09:09,609 --> 00:09:12,183
Steve Buscemi's
going to be there?
234
00:09:12,369 --> 00:09:13,138
(laughing)
235
00:09:13,174 --> 00:09:14,654
That sounds amazing.
236
00:09:14,769 --> 00:09:16,068
But how can you afford it?
237
00:09:16,079 --> 00:09:16,941
Ah, bup, bup, bup.
238
00:09:16,949 --> 00:09:19,033
Nothing is too good for milady.
239
00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:20,748
Besides, a month
without antidepressants
240
00:09:20,764 --> 00:09:22,147
isn't going to kill me.
241
00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:23,636
I don't know what to say.
242
00:09:23,645 --> 00:09:24,993
Oh, you don't have to say
anything.
243
00:09:25,008 --> 00:09:26,140
Just pack your bag,
244
00:09:26,144 --> 00:09:28,256
and your chariot
will arrive at 6:00.
245
00:09:28,288 --> 00:09:30,773
Yeah, would it be okay
if we took my chariot?
246
00:09:30,786 --> 00:09:31,566
Why?
247
00:09:31,588 --> 00:09:34,029
Really,
I have to say it out loud?
248
00:09:34,321 --> 00:09:36,413
I don't want to pull up
to the Bel-Air Hotel
249
00:09:36,422 --> 00:09:38,048
in your piece-of-crap car.
250
00:09:38,056 --> 00:09:40,582
Oh, oh, uh, we can use your car.
251
00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:43,665
Oh, and if the front desk
refers to you as Evelyn Harper,
252
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,053
just roll with it.
253
00:09:45,479 --> 00:09:46,466
Okay.
254
00:09:46,468 --> 00:09:47,717
Well, I love you.
255
00:09:47,719 --> 00:09:49,469
I love you, too.
256
00:09:50,064 --> 00:09:50,886
Well.
257
00:09:50,899 --> 00:09:52,199
That went well.
258
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:55,999
I won't be needing these clues
for the scavenger hunt.
259
00:09:58,758 --> 00:10:00,642
Wasn't that better
than sitting in your room
260
00:10:00,663 --> 00:10:03,030
all alone watching porn?
261
00:10:04,107 --> 00:10:05,644
Is that what you do?
262
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:07,721
What, me? No...
263
00:10:07,811 --> 00:10:09,403
I'm a Bible guy.
264
00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:11,399
(laughing)
265
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,888
Well, thanks.
266
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,746
I had a really nice time.
267
00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:17,212
Me, too.
268
00:10:21,285 --> 00:10:23,051
Well, good night.
269
00:10:24,853 --> 00:10:26,142
Uh, but...
270
00:10:26,288 --> 00:10:27,914
- Good night?
- Yeah.
271
00:10:27,926 --> 00:10:30,623
Oh, I was hoping
that maybe we could...
272
00:10:30,879 --> 00:10:33,342
you know, have hotel fun.
273
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,307
I don't sleep with guys
on the first date.
274
00:10:36,339 --> 00:10:38,280
First date?
We lived together.
275
00:10:38,303 --> 00:10:40,735
No, I lived with Sam Wilson.
276
00:10:41,406 --> 00:10:44,307
Who you bare
an uncanny resemblance to,
277
00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:48,486
but... still, I think
we should take it slow.
278
00:10:48,783 --> 00:10:50,765
Okay, I get it.
279
00:10:52,722 --> 00:10:54,156
Good night.
280
00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,007
- Kate.
- What do you want, Walden?
281
00:11:05,028 --> 00:11:07,896
Oh, uh... it's not Walden;
it's Sam Wilson.
282
00:11:09,197 --> 00:11:10,514
Go away.
283
00:11:10,823 --> 00:11:12,906
Eh, it was worth a shot.
284
00:11:19,102 --> 00:11:20,285
Morning.
285
00:11:20,287 --> 00:11:21,767
Oh, there he is.
286
00:11:21,783 --> 00:11:22,971
Come here.
287
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,135
What?
288
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,260
Just come here.
289
00:11:28,866 --> 00:11:30,182
Oh! Oh,
290
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,827
What a lovely way
to start the day.
291
00:11:34,348 --> 00:11:36,300
Don't kiss me.
I have morning breath.
292
00:11:37,108 --> 00:11:38,675
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
293
00:11:38,686 --> 00:11:39,900
What did I do?
294
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:40,857
You were right.
295
00:11:40,864 --> 00:11:42,258
Kate and I wound up having
296
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,857
a great time last night.
297
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:44,852
Congratulations.
298
00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:46,645
Yeah. It was perfect.
299
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,246
I mean, it was
the same...
300
00:11:48,256 --> 00:11:50,140
chemistry, the same
connection.
301
00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:51,733
Hmm, when you say "connection,"
302
00:11:51,758 --> 00:11:53,520
are we talking
"love connection"?
303
00:11:53,537 --> 00:11:55,257
And by "love connection" I mean,
304
00:11:55,273 --> 00:11:57,061
"brown chicken, brown cow."
305
00:11:58,645 --> 00:12:00,374
No.
No?
306
00:12:00,394 --> 00:12:02,307
Nah, I didn't want to.
307
00:12:03,126 --> 00:12:05,602
You know, I just wanted
to take it slow.
308
00:12:05,617 --> 00:12:08,433
So we could connect on
a more emotional, spiritual level.
309
00:12:08,513 --> 00:12:09,219
Huh.
310
00:12:09,242 --> 00:12:11,966
Sounds pretty gay to me,
but... all right.
311
00:12:12,162 --> 00:12:14,085
- So when are you gonna see her again?
- Tonight.
312
00:12:14,094 --> 00:12:15,624
- On Valentine's Day?
- Yep.
313
00:12:15,638 --> 00:12:17,467
Ooh, that's a terrific day
not to get laid.
314
00:12:17,481 --> 00:12:18,591
I know, right?
315
00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:20,675
Oh, oh, hey, can I ask
your opinion about something?
316
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:21,813
Yeah, of course.
Great.
317
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:23,115
What-what do you
think of this?
318
00:12:23,122 --> 00:12:24,689
Whoa! Dude!
319
00:12:24,706 --> 00:12:25,838
What the hell?
320
00:12:25,852 --> 00:12:27,718
Oh, uh, I-I did
a little manscaping
321
00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:30,245
for my, uh... my big night
with Lyndsey tonight.
322
00:12:30,262 --> 00:12:31,544
I wanted to surprise her.
323
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,427
Uh... does this look
like a heart?
324
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:34,630
Uh...
325
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,186
Yeah, it looks great.
I love it.
326
00:12:36,195 --> 00:12:38,312
You're not even looking.
Come on, I had your back.
327
00:12:38,339 --> 00:12:40,748
Yeah, well, I don't want
to have your front.
328
00:12:42,769 --> 00:12:43,935
Please?
329
00:12:44,581 --> 00:12:45,367
Fine.
330
00:12:45,386 --> 00:12:48,500
But I'm going to restrict my response
to only the nest.
331
00:12:48,584 --> 00:12:50,025
I'm not going to comment
332
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:52,336
on the baby bird
sitting on top of the eggs.
333
00:12:52,512 --> 00:12:54,146
That's all I ask.
334
00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:02,115
No.
335
00:13:02,145 --> 00:13:03,806
Doesn't look like a heart.
336
00:13:04,478 --> 00:13:06,127
What? It-it doesn't?
337
00:13:06,181 --> 00:13:07,614
No. There's no...
338
00:13:07,642 --> 00:13:09,541
cleavage, there's no dip.
339
00:13:09,563 --> 00:13:11,397
It's just... there.
340
00:13:11,631 --> 00:13:13,503
Wait, what are you
talking about?
341
00:13:13,519 --> 00:13:14,940
There's a...
there's a curve right there.
342
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:17,046
The whole thing
is lopsided.
343
00:13:17,069 --> 00:13:19,820
Oh, no. It just looks that way
'cause I haven't fluffed.
344
00:13:19,848 --> 00:13:21,080
See?
345
00:13:22,625 --> 00:13:24,777
No, it still doesn't look
like a heart.
346
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:26,610
Fine, I'll keep
working on it.
347
00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:29,000
But it is very difficult
to manscape from this angle.
348
00:13:29,010 --> 00:13:30,955
- No, it's not.
- Uh, yeah, it is.
349
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:33,799
Okay, just for a
frame of reference...
350
00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:35,847
check out my manscaping.
351
00:13:35,869 --> 00:13:37,504
Oh, my God.
352
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,780
- It's beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
353
00:13:40,016 --> 00:13:41,967
BERTA:
I knew it.
354
00:13:42,263 --> 00:13:44,731
So that's how you pay the rent.
355
00:13:51,595 --> 00:13:53,862
Alan, come on, let's go.
356
00:13:53,889 --> 00:13:56,951
I want to spend every possible
minute in that hotel room.
357
00:13:56,965 --> 00:13:59,095
ALAN: One second!
Just finishing off
358
00:13:59,109 --> 00:14:00,778
one last
Valentine's surp...
359
00:14:00,792 --> 00:14:02,153
(screams)
360
00:14:02,169 --> 00:14:03,385
Alan?
361
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:05,524
(gasps)
362
00:14:05,537 --> 00:14:07,921
Oh, my God, what happened?
363
00:14:08,046 --> 00:14:09,245
Manscaping...
364
00:14:09,389 --> 00:14:10,956
Balls...
365
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,900
Hospital!
366
00:14:17,077 --> 00:14:18,363
(heavy breathing)
367
00:14:18,365 --> 00:14:20,732
Well, I believe we just
combined Valentine's Day
368
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:22,951
with the Fourth of July.
369
00:14:22,953 --> 00:14:26,034
What do you say we throw in
Groundhog Day and do it again?
370
00:14:26,197 --> 00:14:27,624
(laughs)
371
00:14:28,237 --> 00:14:29,787
You know...
372
00:14:29,813 --> 00:14:32,105
I had no intention
of sleeping with you.
373
00:14:32,129 --> 00:14:34,412
I even wore my granny panties.
374
00:14:34,414 --> 00:14:35,914
Well, the joke's on you,
375
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,550
'cause I like a sensible,
full-coverage brief.
376
00:14:38,615 --> 00:14:40,151
(laughs)
377
00:14:40,272 --> 00:14:42,234
I really missed you.
378
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:43,505
Me, too.
379
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:46,507
- Can I tell you a secret, though?
- Sure.
380
00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:49,992
Sam Wilson is a much
better lover than you.
381
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:53,126
I'm sorry.
382
00:14:53,148 --> 00:14:56,265
I couldn't get my mind
off of Alan's penis.
383
00:14:56,436 --> 00:14:58,236
(laughs)
384
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,594
Oh, please drive faster.
I'm bleeding out...
385
00:15:04,678 --> 00:15:06,117
of my scrotum.
386
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:06,973
(groans)
387
00:15:06,992 --> 00:15:08,802
Where in the world
did you get the idea
388
00:15:08,823 --> 00:15:10,916
to shave your pubic hair
into a heart?
389
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:12,584
I read about it in a magazine.
390
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:13,734
What magazine?
391
00:15:13,753 --> 00:15:15,499
Marie Claire.
392
00:15:15,672 --> 00:15:17,516
Doesn't look
much like a heart.
393
00:15:17,539 --> 00:15:19,723
Well, it's bleeding like one.
394
00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,161
(siren wails)
395
00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:22,484
Oh...
396
00:15:22,495 --> 00:15:24,079
Oh. Oh, my God.
397
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,077
This is the end.
I'm seeing lights.
398
00:15:26,082 --> 00:15:27,475
You're not dying.
399
00:15:27,492 --> 00:15:28,704
We're getting
pulled over.
400
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,790
Oh, nice job, lead foot.
401
00:15:32,193 --> 00:15:34,048
Do you want to keep
your other ball?
402
00:15:34,715 --> 00:15:35,946
Evening, ma'am.
403
00:15:35,962 --> 00:15:37,278
Do you know why I
pulled you over?
404
00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:39,833
I know I was speeding,
but I have a very good excuse.
405
00:15:39,852 --> 00:15:40,869
Is that so?
406
00:15:40,885 --> 00:15:41,917
Show him, Alan.
407
00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:43,181
What? No!
408
00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:44,219
Show him.
409
00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:45,581
Oh...
410
00:15:45,619 --> 00:15:48,320
Oh, sweet mother of God!
411
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:51,538
Is that a heart?
412
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,315
Thank you.
413
00:15:58,581 --> 00:15:59,965
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
414
00:15:59,977 --> 00:16:02,087
Wha...? Alan, no.
415
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,016
Sorry. What's...
what's going on?
416
00:16:07,038 --> 00:16:08,701
You're not going
to believe this.
417
00:16:08,724 --> 00:16:11,089
My business partner
just found a factory.
418
00:16:11,126 --> 00:16:13,917
We can start production
on my line immediately.
419
00:16:13,995 --> 00:16:15,244
That's great.
420
00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:16,387
Congratulations.
421
00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:18,699
Oh, my God,
this is so exciting.
422
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,303
We leave for
China tomorrow.
423
00:16:21,769 --> 00:16:23,501
Tomorrow?
424
00:16:23,823 --> 00:16:26,491
Oh, you know what?
Wait...
425
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:28,805
I'm gonna be in Japan
426
00:16:28,832 --> 00:16:31,157
in two weeks on business.
427
00:16:31,176 --> 00:16:32,742
I could hop over to China.
428
00:16:32,754 --> 00:16:34,209
We could get some
kung pao chicken,
429
00:16:34,223 --> 00:16:35,723
maybe adopt a baby.
430
00:16:36,123 --> 00:16:37,256
Oh...
431
00:16:37,279 --> 00:16:39,895
Kung pao chicken
is such a commitment.
432
00:16:41,049 --> 00:16:42,349
Ah, wait.
433
00:16:42,357 --> 00:16:44,812
In two weeks,
I have to be back here.
434
00:16:44,846 --> 00:16:46,198
Okay.
435
00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:47,881
Oh, how about
the week of the tenth?
436
00:16:47,898 --> 00:16:50,315
I have a tech conference in Austin.
You could come with me.
437
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:51,487
Oh. Let me check.
438
00:16:51,504 --> 00:16:53,404
I don't know if you've ever
been to a tech conference,
439
00:16:53,437 --> 00:16:56,438
but picture a comic book
convention with nerdier guys.
440
00:16:56,854 --> 00:16:58,693
You would be their queen.
441
00:16:58,725 --> 00:17:00,174
(laughs)
442
00:17:00,208 --> 00:17:02,589
Ah, no, that won't work.
443
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:03,699
Um...
444
00:17:03,719 --> 00:17:05,268
How about first week in May?
445
00:17:05,292 --> 00:17:07,106
I can do the second.
446
00:17:07,136 --> 00:17:08,851
And I can't.
447
00:17:10,609 --> 00:17:13,280
This was a lot easier
when we were both broke.
448
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,300
It was.
(chuckles)
449
00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,565
How about this?
450
00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:20,745
Are you free for sex
in 30 seconds?
451
00:17:20,779 --> 00:17:22,996
I have an opening.
452
00:17:24,939 --> 00:17:26,787
Let me check.
453
00:17:26,826 --> 00:17:28,743
Well, I'll have to move
454
00:17:28,753 --> 00:17:30,758
a few things around,
but yes, I am.
455
00:17:30,766 --> 00:17:31,932
(laughs)
456
00:17:36,077 --> 00:17:37,127
Hi.
457
00:17:37,248 --> 00:17:38,285
Hi.
458
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:40,021
How you doing?
459
00:17:40,049 --> 00:17:41,265
I'm high,
460
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,296
humiliated and hairless.
461
00:17:44,603 --> 00:17:46,890
I'm sorry I ruined
Valentine's Day.
462
00:17:46,904 --> 00:17:48,422
What are you talking about?
463
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,790
Well, I wanted it to be special
because, you know,
464
00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:53,595
I haven't always been
the best boyfriend,
465
00:17:53,635 --> 00:17:56,303
or even a good boyfriend.
466
00:17:56,739 --> 00:17:58,801
Or even an adequate boyfr...
467
00:17:58,824 --> 00:18:01,506
Feel free to stop me
at any time.
468
00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:03,445
I'm just teasing you.
469
00:18:03,462 --> 00:18:05,912
The fact that you even tried
means everything to me.
470
00:18:05,931 --> 00:18:07,908
Really?
Really.
471
00:18:07,922 --> 00:18:10,928
And driving 95 miles an hour
behind a police escort?
472
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,348
Best Valentine's Day ever.
473
00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:17,057
Oh, hey, you know, uh...
474
00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:19,413
we could pull this curtain.
475
00:18:19,428 --> 00:18:20,730
Seriously?
476
00:18:20,755 --> 00:18:23,192
They just put
ten stitches in your junk.
477
00:18:23,239 --> 00:18:26,347
I thought we could take
advantage of the swelling.
478
00:18:28,371 --> 00:18:30,030
Okay.
479
00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:35,062
LYNDSEY:
You ready?
480
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:36,561
ALAN:
Ow.
481
00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:38,306
Ow, ow.
482
00:18:38,365 --> 00:18:40,915
Ow! Don't-don't stop.
483
00:18:40,959 --> 00:18:42,404
Ow!
484
00:18:42,439 --> 00:18:44,773
(Alan groaning)
485
00:18:48,856 --> 00:18:51,775
I know I'm going to regret
asking this, but...
486
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,089
how's your ball?
487
00:18:55,048 --> 00:18:57,316
Throbbing and green.
488
00:18:57,396 --> 00:18:59,763
So what's going on
with you and Kate?
489
00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,322
I don't know.
490
00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:03,239
It's going to be hard
to make a relationship work
491
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,701
with her traveling
all around the world.
492
00:19:04,715 --> 00:19:06,481
Mmm, that's rough.
493
00:19:06,549 --> 00:19:10,455
Not "tetanus shot
in your sack" rough, but...
494
00:19:11,097 --> 00:19:13,223
Hey, how's she
affording all this?
495
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:15,277
She's got some new investor
with a lot of money.
496
00:19:15,309 --> 00:19:16,644
Oh, that's nice.
497
00:19:16,681 --> 00:19:19,636
Yeah, except I don't know if I'm
ever gonna see her again.
498
00:19:19,679 --> 00:19:22,732
If you don't leave it
alone, it'll never heal.
499
00:19:24,187 --> 00:19:25,520
If you don't stop doing that,
500
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:28,192
I'm gonna make you
wear a cone around it.
501
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:34,180
What a stroke of luck,
you finding that factory in China.
502
00:19:34,204 --> 00:19:36,037
ROSE:
I know.
503
00:19:39,453 --> 00:19:42,594
Sometimes fate steps in
and makes things happen.
504
00:19:42,663 --> 00:19:45,532
I'm not gonna lie--
I wish the timing were better.
505
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:49,201
Well, if he really loves you,
he'll wait for you.
506
00:19:49,258 --> 00:19:51,793
How did you know
I have a boyfriend?
507
00:19:51,855 --> 00:19:54,950
Oh, a pretty girl like you?
You'd have to have a boyfriend.
508
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,401
He's amazing.
509
00:19:56,435 --> 00:19:58,336
I'm crazy about him.
510
00:19:58,374 --> 00:19:59,940
Been there.
511
00:20:03,822 --> 00:20:08,822
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth