00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:03,984 ♪ Men. ♪ 2 00:00:06,037 --> 00:00:08,022 We got to go. 3 00:00:08,122 --> 00:00:09,240 We just got here. 4 00:00:09,241 --> 00:00:11,808 Yeah, I know, but I got to go. 5 00:00:12,477 --> 00:00:14,444 The sit-down "go." 6 00:00:14,446 --> 00:00:16,863 No, I am... I am tired of being enslaved 7 00:00:16,865 --> 00:00:18,615 to your fear of public bathrooms. 8 00:00:18,617 --> 00:00:20,334 Do you know what people do in there? 9 00:00:20,336 --> 00:00:22,452 They go to the bathroom. 10 00:00:22,454 --> 00:00:25,255 Exactly. It's-It's not the seat as much as... 11 00:00:25,257 --> 00:00:27,624 (whispers): the splash. 12 00:00:27,626 --> 00:00:29,793 You have ruined a lot of things that I enjoy, 13 00:00:29,795 --> 00:00:32,162 and I am not gonna let you take pooping from me. 14 00:00:32,164 --> 00:00:35,098 Oh, fine, but every time you use a public bathroom, 15 00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:36,316 you are putting your ass 16 00:00:36,318 --> 00:00:38,769 against every other ass that has ever been there. 17 00:00:38,771 --> 00:00:40,304 See this guy? 18 00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:42,940 I might as well rub my naked butt all over his. 19 00:00:45,509 --> 00:00:47,945 And he took pooping from me. 20 00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:50,397 Excuse me. Walden? 21 00:00:50,399 --> 00:00:51,514 Yes? 22 00:00:51,516 --> 00:00:53,516 I-I'm sure you don't remember me, 23 00:00:53,518 --> 00:00:55,285 but I used to work for you. 24 00:00:55,287 --> 00:00:57,537 Sorry, I don't remember your name. 25 00:00:57,539 --> 00:01:00,624 It's Nicole, but you'd always call me Michelle. 26 00:01:00,626 --> 00:01:02,859 Right! Michelle! 27 00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:04,027 Yeah. Hey. 28 00:01:04,029 --> 00:01:05,579 How you doing? I-I haven't seen you 29 00:01:05,581 --> 00:01:06,863 around the office in a while. 30 00:01:06,865 --> 00:01:09,750 Yeah, I stopped going in after you fired me. 31 00:01:09,752 --> 00:01:11,752 Oh. Wow. 32 00:01:11,754 --> 00:01:13,420 That is... 33 00:01:13,422 --> 00:01:15,672 Are you here to kill me? 34 00:01:15,674 --> 00:01:18,592 I'm actually trying to get a tech start-up off the ground. 35 00:01:18,594 --> 00:01:19,559 Or as my mom calls it, 36 00:01:19,561 --> 00:01:21,928 wasting 20 hours a day in the garage 37 00:01:21,930 --> 00:01:24,014 and not giving her grandkids. 38 00:01:24,016 --> 00:01:26,016 Let me guess: You're looking for help. 39 00:01:26,018 --> 00:01:27,401 With the company, 40 00:01:27,403 --> 00:01:29,269 not the grandkids. 41 00:01:29,271 --> 00:01:30,237 I mean, not that 42 00:01:30,239 --> 00:01:32,406 I wouldn't want to... with you... 43 00:01:33,608 --> 00:01:35,776 Can you talk now? 44 00:01:35,778 --> 00:01:39,246 I am looking for help... with the company. 45 00:01:39,248 --> 00:01:41,698 I'll let you know about the grandkids. 46 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,400 Well, I would love to hear about it. 47 00:01:43,402 --> 00:01:45,752 Why don't you call my office, and we'll set something up? 48 00:01:45,754 --> 00:01:51,758 Yeah, when I worked for you, I was kind of in charge of blowing off the people you told to "call your office". 49 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,176 So you get it. 50 00:01:53,178 --> 00:01:55,128 (laughs) 51 00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:57,247 Look, 15 years ago, 52 00:01:57,249 --> 00:01:59,582 you cornered Bill Gates in a steam room, 53 00:01:59,584 --> 00:02:01,968 and you pitched him the idea for Blungogo.com, 54 00:02:01,970 --> 00:02:04,587 and six months later, you were a billionaire. 55 00:02:04,589 --> 00:02:06,056 Yeah, what you don't know is 56 00:02:06,058 --> 00:02:08,141 that I also got Tased in the nuts 57 00:02:08,143 --> 00:02:09,860 by a security guard named Randy. 58 00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:13,530 Look, I think I have a really good idea. 59 00:02:13,532 --> 00:02:16,533 Everything you need to know is right in here. 60 00:02:17,952 --> 00:02:20,270 Okay. I'll take a look at it. 61 00:02:20,272 --> 00:02:21,604 Thank you. 62 00:02:21,606 --> 00:02:24,991 I didn't even have to get Tased in the lady nuts. 63 00:02:24,993 --> 00:02:26,576 I still might Tase you later. 64 00:02:26,578 --> 00:02:28,211 (laughs) 65 00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:29,379 Oh, it's not weird. 66 00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:30,714 We-we know each other. 67 00:02:30,716 --> 00:02:32,549 I fired her. 68 00:02:32,551 --> 00:02:33,917 I couldn't do it. 69 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:35,635 We got to go. Now. Now! 70 00:02:35,637 --> 00:02:36,586 What? 71 00:02:36,588 --> 00:02:38,055 This is not a drill! 72 00:02:38,057 --> 00:02:40,257 Code brown! Code brown! 73 00:02:44,262 --> 00:02:47,681 I wonder if I could train him to go in the yard. 74 00:02:47,683 --> 00:02:49,966 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 75 00:02:49,968 --> 00:02:52,497 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 76 00:02:52,499 --> 00:02:56,499 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x11 ♪ Tazed in the Lady Nuts Original Air Date on January 2, 2014 77 00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:01,500 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 78 00:03:01,526 --> 00:03:03,194 ♪ Men. ♪ 79 00:03:03,196 --> 00:03:05,496 (panting) 80 00:03:05,498 --> 00:03:06,831 Wow. 81 00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:08,916 Oh. 82 00:03:08,918 --> 00:03:10,951 Yeah, that was fun. (sighs) 83 00:03:10,953 --> 00:03:12,169 Two thumbs up. 84 00:03:12,171 --> 00:03:13,838 Felt like more than that. 85 00:03:14,706 --> 00:03:19,159 Hey, uh, thanks for letting me stay over. 86 00:03:19,161 --> 00:03:20,795 Thanks for letting me stay under. 87 00:03:20,797 --> 00:03:23,681 Mmm. 88 00:03:23,683 --> 00:03:24,849 You know, I've been thinking-- 89 00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:26,834 we've been doing this for a couple of weeks, 90 00:03:26,836 --> 00:03:28,502 and I don't know that much about you. 91 00:03:28,504 --> 00:03:30,504 Well, you know all the important things. 92 00:03:30,506 --> 00:03:32,923 My favorite color's pink, my favorite singer is Pink, 93 00:03:32,925 --> 00:03:34,225 my favorite body part is... 94 00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:36,393 Okay, fine. If you don't want to talk, 95 00:03:36,395 --> 00:03:37,728 we don't have to talk. 96 00:03:37,730 --> 00:03:38,946 No, I'm kidding. 97 00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:40,731 Come on, ask me anything. 98 00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:42,683 Tell me about your family. What's your mom like? 99 00:03:42,685 --> 00:03:45,035 Well, she's very, very pretty. 100 00:03:45,037 --> 00:03:46,454 Mm-hmm. Not too bright. 101 00:03:46,456 --> 00:03:48,773 Her boyfriend went to Harvard Law School, 102 00:03:48,775 --> 00:03:51,525 and then broke up with her, because he wanted a Jackie, 103 00:03:51,527 --> 00:03:53,461 and she was more of a Marilyn, 104 00:03:53,463 --> 00:03:56,831 so she decided to study real hard... 105 00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:57,998 Hold on a second. 106 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,583 That's the plot to Legally Blonde. 107 00:03:59,585 --> 00:04:02,553 You saw that, huh? 108 00:04:02,555 --> 00:04:06,557 Uh, all right, I'll-I'll... I'll tell you the truth. 109 00:04:06,559 --> 00:04:09,310 My mom is a beautiful prostitute. 110 00:04:09,312 --> 00:04:11,228 Oh. And my dad, 111 00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:12,413 Richard Gere... 112 00:04:12,415 --> 00:04:14,899 You're unbelievable. 113 00:04:14,901 --> 00:04:17,818 Cut me some slack! 114 00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:20,738 I grew up in a town that didn't allow dancing! 115 00:04:20,740 --> 00:04:23,941 ♪ Men. ♪ 116 00:04:23,943 --> 00:04:25,543 Mm. Good morning. 117 00:04:25,545 --> 00:04:27,661 Actually, it's a great morning. 118 00:04:27,663 --> 00:04:30,230 Somebody gave me a billion-dollar idea. 119 00:04:30,232 --> 00:04:31,832 Oh, you got my e-mail. 120 00:04:34,636 --> 00:04:35,836 You know, with my idea. 121 00:04:35,838 --> 00:04:37,955 The app that helps you find a clean public restroom 122 00:04:37,957 --> 00:04:39,340 anywhere in the world. 123 00:04:40,625 --> 00:04:42,910 I called it "Crapster." 124 00:04:42,912 --> 00:04:45,513 Yeah, as good of an idea as that is, 125 00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:47,581 and actually, it's not that bad, 126 00:04:47,583 --> 00:04:50,417 I'm talking about thought-recognition. 127 00:04:51,436 --> 00:04:52,636 Thought-control computing. 128 00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:54,254 Imagine you want to send a text, 129 00:04:54,256 --> 00:04:56,357 but, uh, you don't want to take your phone out. 130 00:04:56,359 --> 00:04:58,592 Or, imagine you want to change the channel on the TV, 131 00:04:58,594 --> 00:04:59,727 but you don't have a remote. 132 00:04:59,729 --> 00:05:01,145 Imagine you're in a strange city, 133 00:05:01,147 --> 00:05:02,847 and you can't find a clean bathroom. 134 00:05:03,949 --> 00:05:05,449 Imagine you're in Italy, 135 00:05:05,451 --> 00:05:07,918 and you have to "arriva-doody." 136 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,688 You know what? 137 00:05:11,456 --> 00:05:13,057 Here is a hundred dollars. 138 00:05:13,059 --> 00:05:14,859 I just bought your idea. 139 00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:16,927 Now, stop talking about it. 140 00:05:16,929 --> 00:05:21,949 Deal. Looks like I am getting that filling after all. 141 00:05:21,951 --> 00:05:24,101 Morning. Good morning. 142 00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:25,502 Oh, hey, morning. 143 00:05:25,504 --> 00:05:27,004 What are you guys up to today? 144 00:05:27,006 --> 00:05:29,139 I don't know. Maybe we'll go to a bar 145 00:05:29,141 --> 00:05:30,391 and let guys buy us drinks 146 00:05:30,393 --> 00:05:32,309 if we're willing to make out with each other. 147 00:05:32,311 --> 00:05:33,661 ALLAN: Wait. 148 00:05:33,663 --> 00:05:34,762 Is-is that a thing? 149 00:05:34,764 --> 00:05:37,014 You and I should run that scam with girls. 150 00:05:40,452 --> 00:05:41,602 Hey, I've got an idea. 151 00:05:41,604 --> 00:05:43,303 Let's go for a hike in the canyon. 152 00:05:43,305 --> 00:05:45,739 I'd rather stay home and yodel in your canyon. 153 00:05:47,275 --> 00:05:49,910 ♪ Yodel-ay-hee hoo-ha! 154 00:05:52,163 --> 00:05:54,615 Come on, let's get some fresh air, hang out. 155 00:05:54,617 --> 00:05:55,816 Just the two of us. 156 00:05:55,818 --> 00:05:59,286 Uh, yeah. Yeah, why not? Sounds great. 157 00:05:59,288 --> 00:06:01,168 (clears her throat) Do you guys want to join us? 158 00:06:01,756 --> 00:06:03,007 Sure. 159 00:06:03,009 --> 00:06:05,593 You can never have too much wood in the forest. 160 00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:07,027 I can't. I'm busy. 161 00:06:07,029 --> 00:06:08,429 Always busy. 162 00:06:08,431 --> 00:06:11,131 I can't remember the last time this one took me anywhere. 163 00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:14,101 Hey, uh, Jenny, 164 00:06:14,103 --> 00:06:15,269 here's a hundred dollars. 165 00:06:15,271 --> 00:06:16,604 Lose him in the forest. 166 00:06:18,990 --> 00:06:22,192 ♪ Men. ♪ 167 00:06:22,194 --> 00:06:23,277 Yes? 168 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,178 Yeah, I'm looking for Nicole. 169 00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:27,214 Are you my new dad? 170 00:06:27,216 --> 00:06:28,716 Excuse me? 171 00:06:28,718 --> 00:06:30,584 It's a joke. Try to keep up. 172 00:06:30,586 --> 00:06:31,885 Who are you? 173 00:06:31,887 --> 00:06:33,687 I'm Walden Schmidt. 174 00:06:33,689 --> 00:06:37,574 Holy Schmidt! 175 00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:42,746 Oh, my God. 176 00:06:42,748 --> 00:06:45,032 Mr. Schmidt, it is such an honor to meet you. 177 00:06:45,034 --> 00:06:46,300 I have a poster of you. 178 00:06:46,302 --> 00:06:47,701 A poster? 179 00:06:47,703 --> 00:06:49,003 Yeah, yeah, check it out. 180 00:06:49,005 --> 00:06:50,721 I made it in college. 181 00:06:50,723 --> 00:06:53,974 WALDEN: Wow. It's, uh... 182 00:06:53,976 --> 00:06:56,143 Wow. 183 00:06:56,145 --> 00:06:58,378 I cut and pasted Laura Dern's hair onto your face. 184 00:06:58,380 --> 00:06:59,880 It's pretty breathtaking, right? 185 00:06:59,882 --> 00:07:02,716 I'm sorry... uh, who are you? 186 00:07:02,718 --> 00:07:04,051 Oh, uh, I-I'm Barry. Barry Foster. 187 00:07:04,053 --> 00:07:06,820 But you can call me "BF," as in your biggest fan. 188 00:07:06,822 --> 00:07:08,105 (laughs) 189 00:07:08,107 --> 00:07:09,239 Walden! 190 00:07:09,241 --> 00:07:11,241 Nicole, hi. 191 00:07:11,243 --> 00:07:12,743 I read your proposal. 192 00:07:12,745 --> 00:07:14,611 I'm interested. 193 00:07:14,613 --> 00:07:15,913 Really? 194 00:07:15,915 --> 00:07:18,032 This is amazing. 195 00:07:18,034 --> 00:07:19,366 This is amazing. (laughing) 196 00:07:19,368 --> 00:07:21,201 Oh, my fan fiction's come true. 197 00:07:21,203 --> 00:07:22,836 NICOLE: Barry, 198 00:07:22,838 --> 00:07:23,904 we talked about this. 199 00:07:23,906 --> 00:07:26,090 Right, right. Boundaries. 200 00:07:27,959 --> 00:07:30,077 All right, here's-here's what I'm prepared to do. 201 00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:34,181 In return for 51% of your company, 202 00:07:34,183 --> 00:07:38,686 and him never hugging me again, 203 00:07:38,688 --> 00:07:40,921 I will back your project. 204 00:07:40,923 --> 00:07:42,523 I don't think I can do that. 205 00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:44,441 Neither do I. (laughs) 206 00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:45,025 Barry! 207 00:07:45,027 --> 00:07:46,727 Okay. 208 00:07:46,729 --> 00:07:48,479 Look, I can't give up control. 209 00:07:48,481 --> 00:07:50,531 This company is my baby. 210 00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:53,450 But I will sell you a minority share 211 00:07:53,452 --> 00:07:55,819 if you agree to work as my product engineer. 212 00:07:55,821 --> 00:07:57,538 Oh, product engineer? 213 00:07:57,540 --> 00:07:59,573 I mean, do I look like Barry? 214 00:07:59,575 --> 00:08:00,908 No offense, Barry. 215 00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:03,127 Did you hear that? He knows my name. 216 00:08:03,129 --> 00:08:05,996 I'm sorry, that's all I can offer you. 217 00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:07,331 Well, then it's a pass. 218 00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:08,999 All right, thanks for stopping by. 219 00:08:09,001 --> 00:08:11,835 No, no, no, come on, this isn't how the story ends. 220 00:08:11,837 --> 00:08:13,954 Hold on. Th... 221 00:08:13,956 --> 00:08:16,640 That's it? No negotiating? 222 00:08:16,642 --> 00:08:18,008 You heard my offer. 223 00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:19,760 There's also a supplemental offer-- 224 00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:21,895 uh, best friends for life. 225 00:08:22,731 --> 00:08:25,432 All right, wait. All right, fine. I... 226 00:08:25,434 --> 00:08:27,634 I will... work for you, 227 00:08:27,636 --> 00:08:30,270 but I still need a majority position. 228 00:08:30,272 --> 00:08:31,488 Good-bye, Mr. Schmidt. 229 00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:35,159 What are you, like, some kind of evil Bond villain? 230 00:08:35,161 --> 00:08:37,144 All right... all right, all right, fine! 231 00:08:37,146 --> 00:08:39,163 Deal. 232 00:08:40,365 --> 00:08:43,167 I'll... be your number two. 233 00:08:43,169 --> 00:08:44,835 (clearing throat) Well... 234 00:08:44,837 --> 00:08:47,821 it'd actually be number three, but... 235 00:08:49,174 --> 00:08:50,758 ♪ Men. ♪ 236 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,259 Oh, thank God. 237 00:08:52,261 --> 00:08:53,460 (panting) 238 00:08:53,462 --> 00:08:54,762 I'm coming, Charlie. 239 00:08:54,764 --> 00:08:57,998 I hope you have a guest room in heaven. 240 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,349 You shouldn't feel so bad. 241 00:08:59,351 --> 00:09:02,102 He's in pretty good shape for a guy in his 60's. 242 00:09:02,104 --> 00:09:03,837 He's 45. 243 00:09:03,839 --> 00:09:05,172 Whoa. 244 00:09:05,174 --> 00:09:07,858 I'll be right back. 245 00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:10,778 Ah... uh... do you mind? 246 00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:12,279 Actually... (screams) 247 00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:15,032 Aah! It burns! It burns! 248 00:09:15,034 --> 00:09:17,451 That's because it's vodka. 249 00:09:17,453 --> 00:09:19,453 Who brings vodka on a hike? 250 00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:21,705 Someone who thinks hikes should be fun. 251 00:09:21,707 --> 00:09:24,708 Okay, that's it, I'm packing it in. 252 00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,126 I think I saw a mom with a stroller. 253 00:09:26,128 --> 00:09:27,411 I'm gonna hitch a ride back downhill. 254 00:09:27,413 --> 00:09:29,163 No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. 255 00:09:29,165 --> 00:09:30,697 Don't leave me alone with Brooke. 256 00:09:30,699 --> 00:09:33,333 What? Why not? She's great. 257 00:09:33,335 --> 00:09:34,751 Well, here's the thing. 258 00:09:34,753 --> 00:09:37,537 She's-she's... she's always trying to... 259 00:09:37,539 --> 00:09:39,756 get to know me. 260 00:09:39,758 --> 00:09:41,758 That bitch. 261 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,144 She's always asking me these-these personal things. 262 00:09:44,146 --> 00:09:45,596 You know? 263 00:09:45,598 --> 00:09:47,815 "What are your dreams?" "What was your childhood like?" 264 00:09:47,817 --> 00:09:49,233 "What's your last name?" 265 00:09:49,235 --> 00:09:51,018 You are just like your dad. 266 00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,486 He'd never open up to anybody 267 00:09:52,488 --> 00:09:54,188 'cause he was afraid of rejection, 268 00:09:54,190 --> 00:09:55,989 so he'd reject them first. 269 00:09:55,991 --> 00:09:58,108 I don't want to reject Brooke. 270 00:09:58,110 --> 00:09:59,776 So, let her in. 271 00:09:59,778 --> 00:10:02,246 If you don't take a chance, you haven't got one. 272 00:10:02,248 --> 00:10:03,947 Do you think I really believed 273 00:10:03,949 --> 00:10:05,916 that a complete stranger would let me live 274 00:10:05,918 --> 00:10:07,751 in his Malibu beach house forever? 275 00:10:07,753 --> 00:10:10,537 No. But I took a chance, and it paid off. 276 00:10:10,539 --> 00:10:13,090 ♪ Men. ♪ 277 00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:16,426 (speaking lyrics): Everybody get up, everybody get up... 278 00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:18,629 (singing): ♪ Hey, hey, hey 279 00:10:18,631 --> 00:10:20,764 ♪ Hey, hey, hey 280 00:10:20,766 --> 00:10:22,299 ♪ Hey, hey, hey... 281 00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:24,601 Hey, hey, hey! 282 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,637 Oh, sorry. 283 00:10:26,639 --> 00:10:27,888 Sometimes when I'm writing code, 284 00:10:27,890 --> 00:10:30,107 I get kind of lost in my dope jams. 285 00:10:30,109 --> 00:10:32,592 Well, if you're gonna play music, just play it out loud. 286 00:10:32,594 --> 00:10:34,194 You got it, number three. 287 00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:35,646 ♪ Talk about getting blasted 288 00:10:35,648 --> 00:10:38,431 (singing along): ♪ I hate these blurred lines 289 00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:40,234 ♪ I know you want it 290 00:10:40,236 --> 00:10:41,702 (singing along): ♪ I know you want it 291 00:10:41,704 --> 00:10:44,488 ♪ I know you want it, but you're ♪ 292 00:10:44,490 --> 00:10:46,123 ♪ A good girl 293 00:10:46,125 --> 00:10:48,742 ♪ The way you grab me 294 00:10:48,744 --> 00:10:50,443 ♪ Talkin' 'bout gettin' nasty ♪ 295 00:10:50,445 --> 00:10:52,045 ♪ Go ahead, get at me 296 00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:52,963 ♪ Everybody get up 297 00:10:52,965 --> 00:10:54,581 ♪ What do they make dreams for 298 00:10:54,583 --> 00:10:56,166 ♪ When you got them jeans on 299 00:10:56,168 --> 00:10:58,168 ♪ What do we need steam for 300 00:10:58,170 --> 00:10:59,619 ♪ You the hottest bitch 301 00:10:59,621 --> 00:11:01,638 ♪ In this place Hey, hey, hey! 302 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,391 ♪ You want to hug me... 303 00:11:04,393 --> 00:11:07,294 (music stops) 304 00:11:07,296 --> 00:11:09,629 It was the new guy's idea. I was... 305 00:11:09,631 --> 00:11:11,298 What's that, Barry? I can't hear you 306 00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,133 from all the way under this bus. 307 00:11:14,135 --> 00:11:16,653 So, how's the code coming? 308 00:11:16,655 --> 00:11:18,471 Actually, you know, I had a thought. 309 00:11:18,473 --> 00:11:21,992 Um, if we reconfigure this kernel, 310 00:11:21,994 --> 00:11:24,361 we're gonna save a lot of time and money. 311 00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,997 Yeah, it's-it's good. 312 00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:29,683 (high-pitched): It's just, uh... eh, it's-it's good. 313 00:11:29,685 --> 00:11:31,418 Wha-What do you think, Barry? 314 00:11:31,420 --> 00:11:33,003 (high-pitched): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 315 00:11:33,005 --> 00:11:36,006 It's-it's good. It's good. 316 00:11:36,008 --> 00:11:38,992 Why do you guys keep talking with high voices? 317 00:11:38,994 --> 00:11:41,545 Why do you keep saying, (high-pitched): "It's good"? 318 00:11:41,547 --> 00:11:43,013 It is good. 319 00:11:43,015 --> 00:11:44,998 Just, you know, for... 320 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,883 mmm... 2002. 321 00:11:46,885 --> 00:11:48,018 Ouch. 322 00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:49,603 I believe the correct terminology in 2002 323 00:11:49,605 --> 00:11:51,822 was, "Oh, snap." 324 00:11:51,824 --> 00:11:55,275 (clears throat) Okay. Um... 325 00:11:55,277 --> 00:11:57,778 you know, I've been... I've been doing this for a... 326 00:11:57,780 --> 00:11:58,979 a really long time, 327 00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:01,348 and I've-I've been really successful. 328 00:12:01,350 --> 00:12:04,451 I know. We studied you in school. 329 00:12:04,453 --> 00:12:07,237 Oh, I get it. You guys... you guys are saying that I'm old? 330 00:12:07,239 --> 00:12:09,389 No. Yeah. 331 00:12:09,391 --> 00:12:13,360 I thought we were going a different way. 332 00:12:13,362 --> 00:12:17,381 Look, I respect you enormously, but... 333 00:12:17,383 --> 00:12:19,249 I got to go with my gut. 334 00:12:19,251 --> 00:12:21,418 Okay. No problem. 335 00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:22,753 You're the boss. 336 00:12:22,755 --> 00:12:23,820 Thank you. 337 00:12:23,822 --> 00:12:25,088 Now, who wants Chinese? 338 00:12:25,090 --> 00:12:27,257 Are you paying? 'Cause I forgot my wallet... 339 00:12:27,259 --> 00:12:28,842 Yes, Barry. 340 00:12:28,844 --> 00:12:31,728 Hey, I got one just like him at home. 341 00:12:33,648 --> 00:12:36,049 Boy, oh, boy, you could cut the sexual tension back there 342 00:12:36,051 --> 00:12:37,434 with a knife. 343 00:12:37,436 --> 00:12:38,935 Think she's into me? 344 00:12:38,937 --> 00:12:40,437 No, not you. Me. 345 00:12:40,439 --> 00:12:42,906 Me and her have had this whole "will they, won't they" thing 346 00:12:42,908 --> 00:12:44,992 going on for some time now. 347 00:12:44,994 --> 00:12:46,576 So it's like a... 348 00:12:46,578 --> 00:12:48,561 Ross/Rachel thing? 349 00:12:48,563 --> 00:12:49,746 Who? 350 00:12:51,082 --> 00:12:52,449 Are those friends of yours? 351 00:12:52,451 --> 00:12:54,668 Oh, God. I am old. 352 00:12:56,237 --> 00:12:59,122 But with age comes wisdom. 353 00:12:59,124 --> 00:13:00,457 (clears throat) 354 00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:02,175 We're gonna do this my way. 355 00:13:02,177 --> 00:13:03,677 What? 356 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,178 Nicole is wrong about the code. 357 00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,381 I'm sending you a file. We're gonna rewrite it. 358 00:13:07,383 --> 00:13:08,799 Oh, this is bad. 359 00:13:08,801 --> 00:13:10,467 This is bad. 360 00:13:10,469 --> 00:13:11,768 I'm stuck between my hero 361 00:13:11,770 --> 00:13:14,054 and-and the future mother of my children. 362 00:13:14,056 --> 00:13:15,639 Come on, Barry. 363 00:13:15,641 --> 00:13:18,859 Don't you want to be on a poster with me? 364 00:13:18,861 --> 00:13:21,695 Hop on the eagle, man. Let's soar together. 365 00:13:23,398 --> 00:13:25,432 I don't know. I don't... I don't know. 366 00:13:25,434 --> 00:13:27,117 You know you want it. 367 00:13:28,403 --> 00:13:30,654 ♪ You know you want it 368 00:13:30,656 --> 00:13:32,372 ♪ You know you want it ♪ 369 00:13:32,374 --> 00:13:34,207 ♪ I'm a good girl 370 00:13:34,209 --> 00:13:36,493 ♪ Men. ♪ 371 00:13:44,725 --> 00:13:46,159 ♪ Men. ♪ Oh, good. You're home. 372 00:13:46,161 --> 00:13:47,410 I need to talk to you. Oh, 373 00:13:47,412 --> 00:13:48,561 you know, actually, I'm not. 374 00:13:48,563 --> 00:13:50,229 I'm just here for the essentials. 375 00:13:50,231 --> 00:13:53,950 Shower, change of clothes, bag of performance-enhancing weed. 376 00:13:53,952 --> 00:13:55,568 Th-This won't take long. 377 00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:57,170 Uh, will you look at this picture? 378 00:13:57,172 --> 00:13:59,072 Let me see. 379 00:13:59,074 --> 00:14:01,074 Was this taken from the Mars rover? 380 00:14:01,076 --> 00:14:02,241 No, that's my balls. 381 00:14:02,243 --> 00:14:03,677 (groans) 382 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,096 Dude! What the hell? 383 00:14:06,098 --> 00:14:08,414 They've been burning ever since I went on that hike. 384 00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:09,966 Maybe somebody's talking about 'em. 385 00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:12,469 No, I'm serious. What could it be? 386 00:14:12,471 --> 00:14:14,354 I don't know. What, like, poison oak? 387 00:14:14,356 --> 00:14:15,755 I did take a leak in the bushes. 388 00:14:15,757 --> 00:14:19,025 And yet you couldn't go in a coffee shop. 389 00:14:19,027 --> 00:14:20,426 Just look at the picture. 390 00:14:20,428 --> 00:14:22,479 Yeah. Fine. I can't believe I'm gonna... 391 00:14:22,481 --> 00:14:25,482 zoom in on your balls. 392 00:14:25,484 --> 00:14:27,751 I'm not gonna be able to... 393 00:14:27,753 --> 00:14:29,753 Oh, my God. 394 00:14:30,955 --> 00:14:31,955 It's a tick. 395 00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,106 What? 396 00:14:33,108 --> 00:14:35,492 You got a tick on your junk. 397 00:14:35,494 --> 00:14:37,610 Oh, God! 398 00:14:37,612 --> 00:14:39,796 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! 399 00:14:39,798 --> 00:14:40,880 What's with him? 400 00:14:40,882 --> 00:14:43,133 He's got a tick on his 'nads. 401 00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:47,137 Huh. I never thought anything could live off Zippy. 402 00:14:47,872 --> 00:14:50,340 ♪ Men. ♪ 403 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,761 I don't see how this is gonna make us more productive, 404 00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:57,764 but I really don't care. 405 00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,066 And that is the beauty of pot. (chuckles) 406 00:15:00,068 --> 00:15:02,135 You got work to do, you don't care. 407 00:15:02,137 --> 00:15:04,738 You got bills to pay, you don't care. (chuckles) 408 00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:07,440 You see a picture of your roommate's gonads... 409 00:15:07,442 --> 00:15:09,743 you care. 410 00:15:09,745 --> 00:15:11,578 (chuckles) 411 00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:14,697 But the image is fading. 412 00:15:14,699 --> 00:15:17,316 Yeah, marijuana is excellent. 413 00:15:17,318 --> 00:15:19,953 I don't know why I waited this long to try it. 414 00:15:19,955 --> 00:15:22,005 Wait a second-- you've never been high before? 415 00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:24,507 I wanted it to be special. And now I can tell everybody 416 00:15:24,509 --> 00:15:28,494 my first time was with Walden Schmidt. 417 00:15:28,496 --> 00:15:29,763 Hey, when you tell that story, 418 00:15:29,765 --> 00:15:32,265 maybe throw in a few more details. 419 00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:36,269 (chuckles) Hey, aren't you glad we took a second to relax? 420 00:15:36,271 --> 00:15:37,837 Mmm. Totally. 421 00:15:37,839 --> 00:15:41,391 You know, I kind of forgot the meaning of the word "relax"" 422 00:15:41,393 --> 00:15:44,010 Relax, relax, relax. 423 00:15:44,012 --> 00:15:46,229 Oh, God. I don't remember what it means either. 424 00:15:47,782 --> 00:15:49,449 I'm losing my words. 425 00:15:49,451 --> 00:15:50,850 No, this is exactly, exactly 426 00:15:50,852 --> 00:15:52,952 what the commercials warned me about. 427 00:15:52,954 --> 00:15:54,571 Barry, calm down. 428 00:15:54,573 --> 00:15:57,690 Just take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to ten. 429 00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:59,242 All right, I trust you with my life. 430 00:15:59,244 --> 00:16:00,960 You're my best friend. 431 00:16:02,296 --> 00:16:03,630 One... 432 00:16:03,632 --> 00:16:06,032 two... 433 00:16:06,034 --> 00:16:08,635 Oh, my God, we have ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. 434 00:16:09,753 --> 00:16:11,221 Hey, man, grab me one! 435 00:16:11,223 --> 00:16:13,539 Mmm, no, grab me two! 436 00:16:13,541 --> 00:16:17,844 I want to make an ice cream sandwich sandwich. 437 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,896 That is an awesome idea. 438 00:16:23,484 --> 00:16:27,403 Are you staring at me or am I just really paranoid? 439 00:16:27,405 --> 00:16:29,889 There's nothing to be paranoid about. 440 00:16:30,858 --> 00:16:33,443 She's on to us. Abort. I repeat, abort. 441 00:16:33,445 --> 00:16:35,895 I hate you. 442 00:16:37,248 --> 00:16:39,282 You don't. You like me. 443 00:16:39,284 --> 00:16:41,501 You know what. Doesn't matter. 444 00:16:41,503 --> 00:16:45,455 Because I have a policy about dating people I work with. 445 00:16:45,457 --> 00:16:48,708 Yeah, but it's your policy, so... 446 00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:50,743 you can break it. 447 00:16:51,846 --> 00:16:53,429 You're the boss. 448 00:16:53,431 --> 00:16:55,915 I am, aren't I? 449 00:16:55,917 --> 00:16:59,886 I guess that makes me the wo-man. 450 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,139 You guys. 451 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,058 I got great news. 452 00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:06,759 Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven. 453 00:17:06,761 --> 00:17:08,194 They'll be ready in five. 454 00:17:08,196 --> 00:17:11,147 ♪ Men. ♪ 455 00:17:11,149 --> 00:17:12,699 You want a refill? 456 00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:14,734 Uh, no, I-I don't want to get drunk. 457 00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:17,103 Oh, my God, did I somehow get you pregnant? 458 00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:19,289 I want to get to know you better, 459 00:17:19,291 --> 00:17:21,824 and I don't want anything to get in the way of that. 460 00:17:22,676 --> 00:17:24,627 I really like you. Um... 461 00:17:24,629 --> 00:17:25,995 That's new for me. 462 00:17:25,997 --> 00:17:28,214 Hey, I feel the exact same way. 463 00:17:28,216 --> 00:17:30,750 I've never felt this vulnerable with someone. 464 00:17:30,752 --> 00:17:33,636 You know, when it didn't involve a safe word. 465 00:17:33,638 --> 00:17:34,921 So what are we gonna do? 466 00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,390 We can start by being honest with each other. 467 00:17:37,392 --> 00:17:40,560 That's horrible. Hey. 468 00:17:40,562 --> 00:17:42,729 Come on. Let's do this. 469 00:17:42,731 --> 00:17:45,982 Tell me a secret, something you've never told anyone else. 470 00:17:45,984 --> 00:17:48,134 Something is wrong with my balls. 471 00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:51,971 Something like that. 472 00:17:51,973 --> 00:17:54,490 I just... I-I had a tick and I pulled it off 473 00:17:54,492 --> 00:17:55,658 and now they won't stop swelling 474 00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,527 and I'm afraid they're gonna explode. 475 00:17:57,529 --> 00:17:59,495 So why are you telling us? 476 00:17:59,497 --> 00:18:01,281 Because Brooke works in a salon. 477 00:18:01,283 --> 00:18:04,083 She waxes people. Maybe she's seen something like this before. 478 00:18:04,085 --> 00:18:05,484 All right, l-let's see. 479 00:18:05,986 --> 00:18:07,253 Oh! 480 00:18:07,255 --> 00:18:09,756 Oh... 481 00:18:09,758 --> 00:18:12,091 Boy, if I wasn't gay before... 482 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,595 ♪ Men. ♪ 483 00:18:15,597 --> 00:18:19,098 (exhales) Check it out, dude. 484 00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:25,555 Where's your other hand in that picture? 485 00:18:27,558 --> 00:18:28,791 What the hell? 486 00:18:28,793 --> 00:18:31,778 Three people can't fit on an eagle. 487 00:18:33,464 --> 00:18:35,982 You-you changed my code. 488 00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,900 Yeah. I made it better. 489 00:18:37,902 --> 00:18:40,036 No, you didn't. We went over this. 490 00:18:40,038 --> 00:18:43,522 (chuckles) Okay. Everybody who's made a billion dollars 491 00:18:43,524 --> 00:18:45,858 off their software in this room, raise your hand. 492 00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:47,694 (gasps, chuckles) 493 00:18:47,696 --> 00:18:49,963 Look at that. It's just me. Okay. 494 00:18:49,965 --> 00:18:54,050 Everyone who owns 51% of this company, raise their hand. 495 00:18:54,052 --> 00:18:57,420 (chuckles) Look at that. Just me. 496 00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,722 Everybody who's still a little high 497 00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,557 and is worried that that's... 498 00:19:01,559 --> 00:19:04,477 never gonna stop, raise your hand. 499 00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:08,147 Crap. That's just me. 500 00:19:08,149 --> 00:19:10,099 Listen, just go 501 00:19:10,101 --> 00:19:11,067 with me on this. 502 00:19:11,069 --> 00:19:13,219 No, I don't work for you anymore. 503 00:19:13,221 --> 00:19:16,322 Okay, look, I know you think you know what you're doing. 504 00:19:16,324 --> 00:19:19,192 But, trust me, you don't. 505 00:19:19,194 --> 00:19:22,728 And I know you think you still work here, 506 00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:25,665 but, trust me, you don't. 507 00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:29,068 You're fired. 508 00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:31,070 (whirring) 509 00:19:31,072 --> 00:19:33,572 Oh, snap. 510 00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,793 Look, I-I was just trying to help. 511 00:19:36,795 --> 00:19:40,296 Well, it's gonna take me a day to undo your "help." 512 00:19:40,298 --> 00:19:43,416 A day? Come on. I can undo this in an hour. 513 00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:48,304 You should just... you should just go, dude. 514 00:19:48,306 --> 00:19:50,139 Okay. 515 00:19:50,141 --> 00:19:51,858 Fine. 516 00:19:51,860 --> 00:19:53,142 If that's what you want. 517 00:19:53,144 --> 00:19:54,277 It is. 518 00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:57,196 Barry, it was an honor to fly with you. 519 00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,434 Honor was all mine. 520 00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:04,270 At ease. 521 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:07,874 All right. 522 00:20:07,876 --> 00:20:09,292 Oh, uh, one last thing. 523 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,210 We're done. 524 00:20:11,212 --> 00:20:12,245 I don't work with you anymore. 525 00:20:12,247 --> 00:20:13,880 That's what "you're fired" means. 526 00:20:13,882 --> 00:20:17,083 Good. So this isn't a bad idea anymore. 527 00:20:25,142 --> 00:20:26,826 Can I be fired, too? 528 00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:29,479 ♪ Men. ♪ 529 00:20:34,294 --> 00:20:36,694 ♪Men. ♪ 530 00:20:36,783 --> 00:20:38,300 Okay. (grunts) Okay. 531 00:20:38,301 --> 00:20:40,518 Um, I just, uh, want to point out that, 532 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,553 uh, due to my engorged testicles, 533 00:20:42,555 --> 00:20:45,773 uh, my penis is not currently to scale, 534 00:20:45,775 --> 00:20:47,158 so... 535 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,943 Yeah, yeah, here it is. 536 00:20:48,945 --> 00:20:50,912 When you pulled out the tick, you didn't get all of it 537 00:20:50,914 --> 00:20:52,697 so it got inflamed. Oh. 538 00:20:52,699 --> 00:20:53,731 (groans) 539 00:20:53,733 --> 00:20:55,066 It's like you're the Hulk, 540 00:20:55,068 --> 00:20:57,835 but only your balls got angry. 541 00:20:58,921 --> 00:21:01,205 You know, this is what relationships are all about. 542 00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:05,293 Watching your girlfriend pull a tick out of your uncle's junk. 543 00:21:05,295 --> 00:21:07,962 Aw. I'm your girlfriend? 544 00:21:09,798 --> 00:21:12,350 If it's a boy, name it Walden. 545 00:21:12,352 --> 00:21:17,352 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man