00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:03,365 --> 00:00:06,333 I don't usually meet women as beautiful as you 2 00:00:06,335 --> 00:00:07,401 at a tech convention. 3 00:00:07,403 --> 00:00:08,619 Aw, that's very sweet. 4 00:00:08,621 --> 00:00:11,689 And you were definitely the hottest guy there. 5 00:00:11,691 --> 00:00:13,707 (chuckles) Thank you. Although, to be fair, 6 00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:16,377 being the hottest guy at a tech convention is kind of like... 7 00:00:16,379 --> 00:00:19,179 well, being the hottest guy at a tech convention. 8 00:00:19,181 --> 00:00:22,416 Although, once, I saw Justin Timberlake 9 00:00:22,418 --> 00:00:24,184 at a Microsoft party. 10 00:00:24,186 --> 00:00:26,637 Lady boner! (laughs) 11 00:00:26,639 --> 00:00:30,607 Yes, he did bring sexy back to Windows 8. 12 00:00:30,609 --> 00:00:32,559 So, you said you work for Google? 13 00:00:32,561 --> 00:00:34,695 That's right, in the modeling department. 14 00:00:34,697 --> 00:00:36,363 Oh, that's awesome. Like graphic rendering 15 00:00:36,365 --> 00:00:37,364 and 3-D imaging? 16 00:00:37,366 --> 00:00:39,266 More like pointing. 17 00:00:39,268 --> 00:00:41,118 "New from Google, 18 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,438 confusing tech crap." 19 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,874 Oh, so you're, like, a model-model? 20 00:00:46,876 --> 00:00:50,444 Yep. You can't spell Google without "ogle." 21 00:00:50,446 --> 00:00:52,496 Can you? 22 00:00:52,498 --> 00:00:54,748 No, you can't. 23 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,468 But being a model at tech shows isn't what I really want to do. 24 00:00:57,470 --> 00:00:59,169 I just do it to pay the bills. 25 00:00:59,171 --> 00:01:01,221 Oh, I get it. What's your ultimate goal? 26 00:01:01,223 --> 00:01:03,140 I want to help teach people to read. 27 00:01:03,142 --> 00:01:06,293 Oh, that's noble. So, you want to be a teacher. 28 00:01:06,295 --> 00:01:08,812 No, I want to be the next Vanna White. 29 00:01:08,814 --> 00:01:10,814 (giggles) 30 00:01:12,183 --> 00:01:13,901 Oh, you're serious. 31 00:01:13,903 --> 00:01:16,770 Yeah. I mean, she has an amazing job, 32 00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,823 she wears amazing outfits and she has amazing hair. 33 00:01:19,825 --> 00:01:22,693 Somebody needs to buy a new, amazing adjective. 34 00:01:22,695 --> 00:01:25,696 You can't buy adjectives. 35 00:01:25,698 --> 00:01:28,082 You can only buy vowels. 36 00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:30,033 Right. 37 00:01:30,035 --> 00:01:31,651 Only vowels. 38 00:01:31,653 --> 00:01:34,254 Well, I owe you another drink. 39 00:01:34,256 --> 00:01:36,423 "O." "K." 40 00:01:38,293 --> 00:01:42,846 (under breath): Certainly won't be any "I" in "U" tonight. 41 00:01:43,865 --> 00:01:46,166 Wow, that girl is gorgeous. 42 00:01:46,168 --> 00:01:47,451 Yeah, she's a model. 43 00:01:47,453 --> 00:01:48,719 We don't really have a connection. 44 00:01:48,721 --> 00:01:49,853 She's not very bright. 45 00:01:49,855 --> 00:01:51,939 I think she thinks Silicon Valley is the place 46 00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,974 where women go to get a boob job. 47 00:01:53,976 --> 00:01:56,510 Oh, you want intellectual stimulation. 48 00:01:56,512 --> 00:01:58,678 Uh, why don't you watch an episode of Nova 49 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,014 while you're banging her brains out? 50 00:02:01,016 --> 00:02:03,200 No, I'm gonna go tell her it's not gonna work out. 51 00:02:03,202 --> 00:02:04,902 Well, if you don't want her, can I have her? 52 00:02:04,904 --> 00:02:08,739 Oh, sure, let's change shirts. Maybe she won't notice. 53 00:02:08,741 --> 00:02:09,873 Oh, she's that dumb? 54 00:02:09,875 --> 00:02:10,958 Great. 55 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,743 WOMAN: Walden! 56 00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:15,295 Look, a seagu... (screams) 57 00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:16,530 Oh, my God. 58 00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:17,998 Wait. 59 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,250 We didn't switch shirts yet. 60 00:02:21,953 --> 00:02:24,704 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 61 00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:27,221 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 62 00:02:27,224 --> 00:02:31,224 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x09 ♪ Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer Original Air Date on December 5, 2013 63 00:02:31,225 --> 00:02:36,225 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 64 00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:37,634 Hey, what's going on? 65 00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:38,835 I was cleaning out my closet 66 00:02:38,837 --> 00:02:40,804 and I found a box of Jake's old stuff. 67 00:02:40,806 --> 00:02:43,073 Aw, that's sweet. 68 00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,241 Who's Jake? 69 00:02:45,343 --> 00:02:47,361 My son. Y-Your cousin. 70 00:02:47,363 --> 00:02:49,630 Oh, right. 71 00:02:49,632 --> 00:02:51,965 Oh, and how did he die? 72 00:02:53,518 --> 00:02:55,736 Oh, no, h-he's not dead. He's in the Army. 73 00:02:55,738 --> 00:02:57,070 Huh. 74 00:02:57,072 --> 00:02:58,989 Ah. Nice bong. 75 00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:02,859 Guess he's not fighting the war on drugs. 76 00:03:02,861 --> 00:03:04,861 No, that-that is a hummingbird feeder. 77 00:03:04,863 --> 00:03:06,113 He made it in art class. 78 00:03:06,115 --> 00:03:08,749 And in shop class, I made a train whistle. 79 00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,984 (imitates whistle): Weed, weed! 80 00:03:10,986 --> 00:03:12,336 No, no, seriously. 81 00:03:12,338 --> 00:03:13,870 Uh, one summer, back in high school, 82 00:03:13,872 --> 00:03:16,506 he and his friends got into bird watching. 83 00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:19,760 They'd spend all day out in the woods, and they'd... 84 00:03:19,762 --> 00:03:22,679 they'd come back laughing and... 85 00:03:24,215 --> 00:03:26,767 Oh, God, I'm an idiot. 86 00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:29,502 Don't worry. All parents are idiots. 87 00:03:29,504 --> 00:03:32,472 My mom used to think I was locked in the bathroom all day 88 00:03:32,474 --> 00:03:34,107 with an electric toothbrush. 89 00:03:34,109 --> 00:03:36,143 (buzzes) 90 00:03:36,145 --> 00:03:38,845 My first wife was always using her electric tooth... 91 00:03:38,847 --> 00:03:40,781 God, I am an idiot. 92 00:03:41,816 --> 00:03:45,369 Oh, look at this. One of his old report cards. 93 00:03:45,371 --> 00:03:48,488 Oh, you can still see where he tried to change his grades. 94 00:03:48,490 --> 00:03:51,291 Yeah, he changed the C's. 95 00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:52,576 To D's. 96 00:03:52,578 --> 00:03:56,296 Yeah. That was the year his bus got a little shorter. 97 00:03:56,298 --> 00:03:58,031 But, you know, in his defense, 98 00:03:58,033 --> 00:03:59,816 his teacher changed that year, too. 99 00:03:59,818 --> 00:04:02,386 She went from C's to D's. 100 00:04:02,388 --> 00:04:03,754 Is this how you're spending your night? 101 00:04:03,756 --> 00:04:05,973 Oh, no, no. Later, I'm going to shave my back. 102 00:04:05,975 --> 00:04:07,257 Oh, actually, if you're not busy... 103 00:04:07,259 --> 00:04:09,343 I am. And so are you. 104 00:04:09,345 --> 00:04:10,844 I'm gonna get a drink. Where's Walden? 105 00:04:10,846 --> 00:04:13,046 Oh, he had to take his date to the hospital. 106 00:04:13,048 --> 00:04:16,066 Ooh, what are they pulling out, and from where? 107 00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:17,517 No, it-it's nothing like that. 108 00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:20,404 She was looking up at the sky and she fell off the deck. 109 00:04:20,406 --> 00:04:21,721 High? No. 110 00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:22,906 Drunk? No. 111 00:04:22,908 --> 00:04:24,274 Model? Yeah. 112 00:04:26,110 --> 00:04:28,111 ♪ Men. ♪ 113 00:04:28,113 --> 00:04:29,363 How you feeling? 114 00:04:29,365 --> 00:04:30,447 I'm all right. 115 00:04:30,449 --> 00:04:32,499 Uh, well, we need to fill out this paperwork. 116 00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:34,901 So, uh, first name, Nadine. 117 00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:39,756 This is awkward. I don't know your last name. 118 00:04:39,758 --> 00:04:43,743 It's H-O-R-E. 119 00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:47,264 H-O-R-E. 120 00:04:48,082 --> 00:04:49,916 Like "hooray"? 121 00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:52,636 No, like "whore." 122 00:04:53,921 --> 00:04:55,439 You think I should change it? 123 00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:57,357 No, be proud. 124 00:04:57,359 --> 00:05:01,144 I'm sure you come from a long line of... Hores. 125 00:05:02,313 --> 00:05:04,097 Uh, any relatives I can call? 126 00:05:04,099 --> 00:05:05,732 No, they're all back east. 127 00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:08,618 I'm the only Hore in Los Angeles. 128 00:05:09,603 --> 00:05:11,371 Agree to disagree. 129 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,574 Emergency contacts. Okay, so no family. 130 00:05:14,576 --> 00:05:17,627 Uh, friends? Roommates? 131 00:05:17,629 --> 00:05:20,130 Anyone you've gone on more than one date with? 132 00:05:20,132 --> 00:05:21,348 Not really. 133 00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:22,499 I live alone. 134 00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,584 I've only been in L.A. a couple weeks. 135 00:05:24,586 --> 00:05:27,003 The only men in my life are you and Frank. 136 00:05:27,005 --> 00:05:29,306 Oh, all right. How do I get a hold of Frank? 137 00:05:29,308 --> 00:05:30,457 He's a pig. 138 00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,426 (chuckles) He's a pig, you're a Hore. 139 00:05:32,428 --> 00:05:33,960 No one's judging. 140 00:05:33,962 --> 00:05:35,679 No, he's my pet pig. 141 00:05:35,681 --> 00:05:38,014 My little frankfurter. 142 00:05:38,016 --> 00:05:39,683 A pig. 143 00:05:39,685 --> 00:05:42,185 Does he sleep in a blanket? 144 00:05:42,187 --> 00:05:44,571 Yeah, he totally hogs the covers. 145 00:05:44,573 --> 00:05:48,141 (laughs) Hogs. Good one. 146 00:05:49,077 --> 00:05:50,911 Never mind. 147 00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,447 Uh, what about medications? 148 00:05:53,449 --> 00:05:54,831 Love 'em. 149 00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:57,868 No, I-I think they mean "are you taking any now?" 150 00:05:57,870 --> 00:06:01,538 Oh, let's see, there's plaxitril for my depression, 151 00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:03,373 zaxaprin for my anxiety, 152 00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:06,009 dilapamin for my insomnia, and clodex 153 00:06:06,011 --> 00:06:08,678 for my occasional bouts of rage. 154 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,515 No one likes an angry Hore. 155 00:06:16,554 --> 00:06:18,171 (indistinct conversations) 156 00:06:18,173 --> 00:06:20,857 (sighs) Why didn't you tell me we were going to a gay bar? 157 00:06:20,859 --> 00:06:22,692 'Cause if I told you, you wouldn't have come. 158 00:06:22,694 --> 00:06:25,896 Yes, I would. I just would've dressed better. 159 00:06:25,898 --> 00:06:27,180 And just to be clear, 160 00:06:27,182 --> 00:06:28,865 you do know I'm not gay, right? 161 00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:30,200 I don't think you're gay. 162 00:06:30,202 --> 00:06:33,320 I-I mean, do I know guys that act less gay 163 00:06:33,322 --> 00:06:35,739 that have sex with other guys? Sure. 164 00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:38,074 But I know you're straight. 165 00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:40,160 So, why bring me here? 166 00:06:40,162 --> 00:06:41,495 Look around this room. 167 00:06:41,497 --> 00:06:43,713 See all the women here? Yeah. 168 00:06:43,715 --> 00:06:45,999 Well, some of them are gay. Those are mine. 169 00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:48,552 The rest are straight. 170 00:06:48,554 --> 00:06:49,970 Some of those are mine, too. 171 00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:51,838 And everyone who's left 172 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,341 is gonna be drunk and horny by the end of the night 173 00:06:54,343 --> 00:06:58,228 and looking for someone who doesn't think vaginas are yucky. 174 00:07:00,515 --> 00:07:02,382 Oh, oh, you mean me. 175 00:07:02,384 --> 00:07:04,534 (high-pitched): Yay. 176 00:07:04,536 --> 00:07:06,386 (deeper voice): I mean, yay. 177 00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,391 Okay, be careful. 178 00:07:11,393 --> 00:07:13,410 Mm. Watch your leg. 179 00:07:13,412 --> 00:07:15,662 You smell so good. 180 00:07:15,664 --> 00:07:17,497 Thank you. 181 00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:20,417 Let's see how you taste. 182 00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:23,403 Okay. All right. 183 00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:25,188 I see the painkillers have kicked in. 184 00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:26,590 Oh, they sure did. 185 00:07:26,592 --> 00:07:29,793 Right now, you could do anything to me 186 00:07:29,795 --> 00:07:31,911 and I wouldn't remember. 187 00:07:35,099 --> 00:07:37,717 Did I wink? 'Cause I was trying to wink. 188 00:07:37,719 --> 00:07:40,753 Okay, let's-let's get you on the couch, huh? 189 00:07:40,755 --> 00:07:43,590 Hey, let's get you on Nadine. Oh, okay. 190 00:07:43,592 --> 00:07:46,926 All right, fine. Let's... just rest. 191 00:07:48,229 --> 00:07:52,065 Thank you so much for taking care of me. 192 00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:54,201 Well, you have a broken leg. 193 00:07:54,203 --> 00:07:56,436 You don't have any family or friends 194 00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:59,739 and you live on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator. 195 00:07:59,741 --> 00:08:03,460 So, I couldn't just leave you on the street. 196 00:08:04,879 --> 00:08:06,329 Could I? 197 00:08:06,331 --> 00:08:08,048 You're handsome. 198 00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:09,216 (grunts) Yeah. 199 00:08:09,218 --> 00:08:11,134 You're... drooling. 200 00:08:11,136 --> 00:08:13,453 I'm gonna get you some food. 201 00:08:13,455 --> 00:08:17,057 All right, but I have certain dietary constrictions. 202 00:08:17,059 --> 00:08:20,560 I don't eat wheat, dairy, or anything with a face. 203 00:08:20,562 --> 00:08:22,112 Although... 204 00:08:22,114 --> 00:08:24,981 I would make an exception for you. 205 00:08:28,653 --> 00:08:30,103 So, you're here with your niece? 206 00:08:30,105 --> 00:08:32,572 Uh, yeah, she just recently came out of the closet 207 00:08:32,574 --> 00:08:35,325 and she's painfully shy. Oh. Mm-hmm. 208 00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:41,781 Now, that's what I call breast-feeding. 209 00:08:43,651 --> 00:08:45,702 She's, uh, still trying to find her gay legs. 210 00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:49,539 Ah. Well, she's lucky she has an uncle who's found his. 211 00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:51,758 (sighs) No, I'm straight. 212 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,760 Why does everybody think I'm gay? 213 00:08:53,762 --> 00:08:55,828 Oh, that is way too tart. 214 00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:58,181 Um, so, Paula, 215 00:08:58,183 --> 00:08:59,883 what do you do? 216 00:08:59,885 --> 00:09:01,301 I'm an investment banker. 217 00:09:01,303 --> 00:09:03,637 Oh, wow. Oh, okay, maybe you can answer a question 218 00:09:03,639 --> 00:09:04,888 I've always had. Mm-hmm? 219 00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:07,057 What's the penalty for early withdrawal? 220 00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:09,476 Well, uh, that depends. 221 00:09:09,478 --> 00:09:11,561 How big is your deposit? 222 00:09:13,147 --> 00:09:15,899 Oh, interest is rising. 223 00:09:15,901 --> 00:09:18,535 You know, the longer you keep it in, 224 00:09:18,537 --> 00:09:20,787 the bigger your reward. 225 00:09:21,989 --> 00:09:23,523 Sometimes, the market collapses 226 00:09:23,525 --> 00:09:26,409 and there's nothing you can do about it. 227 00:09:26,411 --> 00:09:28,695 Uh, wait. Are-are we doing sexual innuendo 228 00:09:28,697 --> 00:09:31,131 or are you asking for free financial advice? 229 00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:33,032 Why can't it be both? 230 00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,585 You know, if you're interested, 231 00:09:35,587 --> 00:09:37,370 I've got a Malibu beach house. 232 00:09:37,372 --> 00:09:40,807 Oh. Well, if you're interested, I've got very loose morals. 233 00:09:40,809 --> 00:09:42,258 (high-pitched): Yay. 234 00:09:43,978 --> 00:09:46,262 (deeper): I mean, yay. 235 00:09:51,885 --> 00:09:54,904 (chuckling): Wow. 236 00:09:54,906 --> 00:09:56,906 That was amazing. (laughs) 237 00:09:56,908 --> 00:09:59,109 Uh-huh. 238 00:09:59,111 --> 00:10:00,944 Wait, it wasn't? 'Cause I can do better. 239 00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:02,862 No, you were great. 240 00:10:02,864 --> 00:10:04,447 Oh, thank God, 'cause I can't do better. 241 00:10:04,449 --> 00:10:06,232 Oh. 242 00:10:06,234 --> 00:10:09,119 But there is something I probably should've told you 243 00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:10,236 before we slept together. 244 00:10:10,238 --> 00:10:12,706 Oh, God, husband or herpes? Uh... 245 00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:16,092 Well, there was another guy. Paul. 246 00:10:16,094 --> 00:10:18,911 Paul. Paula. That must have been confusing... 247 00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:21,548 Very, yeah. Um... 248 00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:24,634 You see, for the first 40 years of my life, 249 00:10:24,636 --> 00:10:28,438 I was a man named Paul. 250 00:10:33,861 --> 00:10:36,029 Wow. 251 00:10:37,598 --> 00:10:40,283 You don't look... 40. 252 00:10:40,285 --> 00:10:42,152 ♪ Men. ♪ 253 00:10:50,463 --> 00:10:53,332 So, so, you were a guy? With, you know, 254 00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:55,100 an Adam's apple and facial hair, 255 00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:57,102 and the whole kit and kaboodle? 256 00:10:58,171 --> 00:11:01,390 Yep, I had a kit and two kaboodles. 257 00:11:01,392 --> 00:11:03,192 So, so, how did you get that? 258 00:11:03,194 --> 00:11:05,394 I mean, did you have to get a donor? 259 00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:07,846 'Cause I've never seen that box 260 00:11:07,848 --> 00:11:09,398 to check on a driver's license. 261 00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:14,786 Actually, uh, I-I... I donated my own organ. 262 00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:17,322 You see, what they do, they take your penis, all right? 263 00:11:17,324 --> 00:11:21,743 They slice it right down the middle... Oh! La la la la la la la la la. 264 00:11:21,745 --> 00:11:23,862 Okay, I'll-I'll spare you the details 265 00:11:23,864 --> 00:11:25,714 on what happened to my balls. 266 00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:29,501 Well, I know what just happened to mine. 267 00:11:29,503 --> 00:11:31,620 Look, I-I know I should have told you earlier. 268 00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:34,690 I just didn't want to scare you away. I really like you. 269 00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:37,709 Oh, and I like you. I mean, we have a lot in common. 270 00:11:37,711 --> 00:11:39,845 Clearly more than I realized. 271 00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,480 Maybe it's best if I go. 272 00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:42,648 Oh, no, no, don't do. 273 00:11:42,650 --> 00:11:43,682 You sure? 274 00:11:43,684 --> 00:11:44,983 Yeah, yeah, no, I like you. 275 00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:47,653 I'm just, I'm trying to process this whole thing. 276 00:11:47,655 --> 00:11:49,271 I mean, for instance, 277 00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:52,441 there's no chance it'll grow back, right? 278 00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:54,159 What, like-like a salamander's tail? 279 00:11:54,161 --> 00:11:55,560 No. Uh-uh. 280 00:11:55,562 --> 00:11:57,863 So one day you're not gonna, you know, sneeze real hard 281 00:11:57,865 --> 00:11:59,748 and suddenly I'm dating a dude? 282 00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:04,253 Alan, I am as much a woman as you've ever dated. 283 00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:07,372 But if you're not okay with this, it's... No, no, no, you know what? 284 00:12:07,374 --> 00:12:10,425 I am not going to let one little thing come between us. 285 00:12:10,427 --> 00:12:11,960 Oh, it wasn't little. 286 00:12:13,079 --> 00:12:16,081 Okay, uh, Paula, bit of, uh, relationship advice? 287 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,716 Uh, no guy likes to hear 288 00:12:17,718 --> 00:12:20,269 that his girlfriend had a bigger penis than he does. 289 00:12:20,271 --> 00:12:22,187 You're right. (chuckles) 290 00:12:22,189 --> 00:12:23,555 I'm sorry. 291 00:12:23,557 --> 00:12:25,357 (sneezes) 292 00:12:25,359 --> 00:12:27,559 Sorry. 293 00:12:30,113 --> 00:12:32,281 Gesundheit. 294 00:12:35,451 --> 00:12:37,452 Morning. Morning. 295 00:12:37,454 --> 00:12:40,088 Oh great, we're out of bacon. 296 00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:41,490 Whoa. 297 00:12:44,294 --> 00:12:46,778 We're out of naked Heidi Klum. 298 00:12:48,498 --> 00:12:50,332 Damn. 299 00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:53,752 That's Frank. He belongs to my date Nadine. 300 00:12:53,754 --> 00:12:55,170 Alan told me about her. 301 00:12:55,172 --> 00:12:57,289 That's the model you took to the emergency room. 302 00:12:57,291 --> 00:13:01,126 Twice. She calls it our "special place." 303 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,561 It's the worst date of my life. 304 00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:04,546 Is her mouth broken? 305 00:13:04,548 --> 00:13:06,131 No. 306 00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,349 So what's the problem? 307 00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,134 The problem is, we have no connection. 308 00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,186 How can I be attracted to a woman's body 309 00:13:11,188 --> 00:13:12,938 if I'm not attracted to her mind? 310 00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,607 Sounds kind of gay, but all right. 311 00:13:15,609 --> 00:13:17,743 Hey, Walden. 312 00:13:17,745 --> 00:13:19,945 Jenny. 313 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,582 Zippy. 314 00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:26,501 Just a heads-up, there's a girl asleep on the couch. 315 00:13:26,503 --> 00:13:29,288 Don't worry, I know the drill, boss. 316 00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:32,424 Give her 500 bucks, pat her down for silverware 317 00:13:32,426 --> 00:13:34,492 and throw her in a taxi. 318 00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:35,744 What? 319 00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:39,264 Sorry. Charlie flashback. 320 00:13:41,551 --> 00:13:42,651 Morning. 321 00:13:42,653 --> 00:13:44,686 (snorts) Whoa! 322 00:13:44,688 --> 00:13:46,271 That's a pig. 323 00:13:46,273 --> 00:13:48,506 Whoa! That's a leech. 324 00:13:50,310 --> 00:13:52,010 Long story, crazy night. 325 00:13:52,012 --> 00:13:54,563 (scoffs) Pig or no pig, not as crazy as mine. 326 00:13:54,565 --> 00:13:56,848 100 bucks says mine beats yours. 327 00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:59,368 I had sex with a woman who used to be a man. 328 00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,953 And we have a winner. 329 00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:03,705 What, really? 330 00:14:03,707 --> 00:14:05,791 I can't believe that you would... 331 00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:07,859 Well, ah, then again, it's you. 332 00:14:07,861 --> 00:14:09,745 Hey, hey, say what you want, 333 00:14:09,747 --> 00:14:11,763 but she really knows her way around a man. 334 00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:14,499 It's like climbing Mount Everest with a really good Sherpa. 335 00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,002 Yeah, but you don't shtup the Sherpa. 336 00:14:18,538 --> 00:14:21,373 How did it work? Like, where did it... go? 337 00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:22,808 Oh, that's easy. See, what they do is, 338 00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:24,176 they slice the penis down the middle... 339 00:14:24,178 --> 00:14:26,762 Oh. La la la la la. La la la la la. 340 00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:29,531 NADINE: Walden? 341 00:14:29,533 --> 00:14:32,267 Is there somewhere I can take a bath? 342 00:14:32,269 --> 00:14:34,319 Oh, yeah, upstairs. Here, I'll help you. 343 00:14:34,321 --> 00:14:35,771 No. 344 00:14:35,773 --> 00:14:37,406 I will never get out of here 345 00:14:37,408 --> 00:14:39,825 if I don't start to do things on my own. 346 00:14:39,827 --> 00:14:43,245 Unless you don't want me to leave. 347 00:14:43,247 --> 00:14:45,864 Top of the stairs, on the left. 348 00:14:47,566 --> 00:14:49,167 That girl is really messed up. 349 00:14:49,169 --> 00:14:50,502 The only thing wrong with mine 350 00:14:50,504 --> 00:14:52,754 is the occasional five o'clock shadow. 351 00:14:52,756 --> 00:14:55,257 You know, I've got to say, Alan, you going out 352 00:14:55,259 --> 00:14:58,627 with a post-op transgendered person without any judgment-- 353 00:14:58,629 --> 00:14:59,711 very enlightened. 354 00:14:59,713 --> 00:15:00,762 Oh, thank you. 355 00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:02,464 And you should see her boobs. 356 00:15:03,582 --> 00:15:07,219 (cell phone chiming) 357 00:15:07,221 --> 00:15:10,138 You're getting a call from a "Hore?" 358 00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,543 Hi, Nadine. 359 00:15:15,478 --> 00:15:17,112 You got... you got it stuck where? 360 00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:20,198 Don't move, I'll be right there. 361 00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:25,387 Nadine got her boot caught in the banister. 362 00:15:25,389 --> 00:15:27,289 Excuse me. 363 00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:30,442 NADINE: Never mind, I got it. 364 00:15:30,444 --> 00:15:34,830 (loud thud) Oh no. 365 00:15:34,832 --> 00:15:38,200 500 bucks in cab fare, and he'd be out of this. 366 00:15:39,535 --> 00:15:41,670 I can't believe how easily we agreed on a movie. 367 00:15:41,672 --> 00:15:43,972 I know, men and women aren't usually on the same page. 368 00:15:43,974 --> 00:15:45,240 Oh, oh, here it is. 369 00:15:45,242 --> 00:15:48,977 Uh, theater three, Julia Roberts in Hashtag: I Love You. 370 00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:51,129 Listen, I'm gonna get a soda. Do you want something? 371 00:15:51,131 --> 00:15:53,682 Oh, sure. Uh, oh, let me see what I'm in the mood for. 372 00:15:53,684 --> 00:15:55,851 Oh, uh, want to split a hot dog? Mmm. 373 00:15:55,853 --> 00:15:56,902 Oh, I am so sorry. 374 00:15:56,904 --> 00:15:57,802 It's fine. 375 00:15:57,804 --> 00:15:59,804 Hi. Uh, can we have two Diet Cokes 376 00:15:59,806 --> 00:16:01,156 and a hot dog, please? 377 00:16:01,158 --> 00:16:03,692 Oh, uh... Don't worry, I got it. 378 00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:06,328 Okay, but I'm used to paying. 379 00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:12,117 This is... this is so weird. 380 00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:14,652 Sorry, just, you know, old habits from when I was Paul. 381 00:16:14,654 --> 00:16:16,755 I-I hope you're okay with that. 382 00:16:16,757 --> 00:16:18,323 I think it's pretty clear that I'm willing 383 00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,991 to work around things in this relationship. 384 00:16:19,993 --> 00:16:21,126 Well, I appreciate it, 385 00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:22,627 because I'm having a great time with you. 386 00:16:22,629 --> 00:16:23,995 Oh, well, so am I. Mm-hmm? 387 00:16:23,997 --> 00:16:25,764 Uh, but going forward, you're gonna have to learn 388 00:16:25,766 --> 00:16:28,517 to embrace my masculinity and, you know, accept the fact 389 00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:32,003 that I'm the-- thank you-- man in this relationship. 390 00:16:32,939 --> 00:16:34,139 Oh, it's chilly in here. 391 00:16:34,141 --> 00:16:36,775 Oh, here. Take my jacket. 392 00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:39,277 Oh. Cozy. 393 00:16:43,032 --> 00:16:46,117 (slap, thud, knock) 394 00:16:46,119 --> 00:16:49,154 (slap, thud, knock) 395 00:16:49,156 --> 00:16:52,958 (slap, thud, knock) 396 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,726 Who's there? 397 00:16:58,915 --> 00:17:01,800 It's just me, silly. 398 00:17:01,802 --> 00:17:04,035 Is everything all right? 399 00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,889 You've taken such good care of me, 400 00:17:07,891 --> 00:17:11,209 I thought it was time for me 401 00:17:11,211 --> 00:17:13,512 to take good care of you. 402 00:17:13,514 --> 00:17:16,881 Oh, that's not necessary. 403 00:17:16,883 --> 00:17:18,216 Why not? 404 00:17:18,218 --> 00:17:19,734 We could play doctor. 405 00:17:19,736 --> 00:17:21,736 Haven't you seen enough doctors? 406 00:17:21,738 --> 00:17:24,940 Okay, we could play Pat and Vanna. 407 00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:30,328 The clue is "things people do naked." 408 00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:32,781 Okay, Nadine, just stop. 409 00:17:32,783 --> 00:17:34,899 What's wrong? 410 00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:37,902 (sighs) We're not gonna sleep together. 411 00:17:39,288 --> 00:17:41,673 Are you saying 412 00:17:41,675 --> 00:17:45,427 that you don't want any of this? 413 00:17:49,632 --> 00:17:53,602 "N," and I'd like to buy five O's. 414 00:17:55,187 --> 00:17:57,188 Look, we-we just don't click. 415 00:17:57,190 --> 00:18:00,058 I can't believe you led me on. Ooh. 416 00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:03,278 Led you on? I let you in. I was trying to help you. 417 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,364 Do I look like I need your help? 418 00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:12,937 ♪ Men. ♪ 419 00:18:21,213 --> 00:18:24,499 (phone rings) 420 00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:27,085 Yeah? No, I'm not doing anything. 421 00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:28,403 Seriously? 422 00:18:28,428 --> 00:18:30,122 I know, I know. I should say something. 423 00:18:30,123 --> 00:18:31,222 No, no, it's fine. 424 00:18:31,224 --> 00:18:33,458 I'll come over after the movie. (scoffs) 425 00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:34,809 He should go now. 426 00:18:34,811 --> 00:18:36,511 What's that? 427 00:18:36,513 --> 00:18:37,929 Shh! Shh! 428 00:18:37,931 --> 00:18:39,848 Just ignore him. People can only make you angry 429 00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,182 with your permission. 430 00:18:41,184 --> 00:18:44,603 Right. But if he opens his mouth again, I will get the usher. 431 00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:47,022 (chuckles) I got my review. 432 00:18:47,024 --> 00:18:48,857 Hashtag piece of crap. 433 00:18:48,859 --> 00:18:50,191 Shh! Shh! 434 00:18:50,193 --> 00:18:51,409 All right, you know what? That's it. 435 00:18:51,411 --> 00:18:53,078 Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no, Let me do this. 436 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,413 Alan, Alan, you don't have to do this. Yes, I do. I'm the man 437 00:18:55,415 --> 00:18:57,866 and this is what a man does. Now, hold my Jujubes. 438 00:18:59,652 --> 00:19:01,551 Uh, excuse me, sir? What? 439 00:19:01,552 --> 00:19:03,756 Um, uh, we're all trying to watch the movie 440 00:19:03,757 --> 00:19:05,990 and I don't know if you remember what the, uh, 441 00:19:05,992 --> 00:19:07,542 the little cartoon popcorn bucket said, 442 00:19:07,544 --> 00:19:09,160 but "silence is golden." 443 00:19:09,162 --> 00:19:12,830 Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it? 444 00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:14,432 Uh, well, I just did it 445 00:19:14,434 --> 00:19:16,384 and it didn't seem very effective, so... 446 00:19:17,687 --> 00:19:20,188 Go sit down. 447 00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:22,057 Okay, you know what? Why don't you sit down? 448 00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:24,309 Ow. What the... What... 449 00:19:24,311 --> 00:19:25,527 I'm sorry. 450 00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,011 Don't apologize. 451 00:19:27,013 --> 00:19:30,565 Paula? Hashtag I love you. 452 00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,618 ♪ Men. ♪ 453 00:19:34,987 --> 00:19:37,789 I thought this relationship was going somewhere. 454 00:19:37,791 --> 00:19:40,408 Okay, seriously? The only place this relationship is going 455 00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:42,043 is the emergency room. 456 00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:44,028 I thought this was something special. 457 00:19:44,030 --> 00:19:47,248 I thought I was going to be Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt. 458 00:19:48,584 --> 00:19:50,085 Okay, this is crazy. 459 00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:52,253 I mean, we wouldn't have gotten past the first date 460 00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:55,373 if you hadn't fallen off my deck. 461 00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:56,641 That's right. 462 00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:58,343 I did fall off your deck. 463 00:19:58,345 --> 00:20:00,979 I'll be sure to mention that to my lawyer. 464 00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:01,980 Your lawyer? 465 00:20:01,982 --> 00:20:03,348 You heard me. 466 00:20:03,350 --> 00:20:05,650 Perhaps you've seen his picture on the side of the bus? 467 00:20:05,652 --> 00:20:07,885 You don't get to be the numero uno accidente lawyer 468 00:20:07,887 --> 00:20:09,521 by accident. 469 00:20:09,523 --> 00:20:11,106 Come on, Frank. 470 00:20:11,108 --> 00:20:13,408 (Frank snorts) 471 00:20:15,327 --> 00:20:16,911 Take care of yourself, Frank. 472 00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:22,117 What's going on? 473 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:27,122 Oh, Nadine is going to sue me because I won't sleep with her. 474 00:20:27,124 --> 00:20:29,040 Oh, that's a thing? 475 00:20:29,042 --> 00:20:30,542 Don't tell Alan. 476 00:20:30,544 --> 00:20:32,177 (tires squealing) 477 00:20:32,179 --> 00:20:33,878 (crash) 478 00:20:35,097 --> 00:20:36,381 Oh, that can't be. 479 00:20:36,383 --> 00:20:38,583 (cell phone chiming) 480 00:20:43,923 --> 00:20:45,890 Hi, Nadine. 481 00:20:45,892 --> 00:20:48,893 I'll be right there. 482 00:20:50,196 --> 00:20:53,181 Nadine got hit by a bus. 483 00:20:53,183 --> 00:20:56,201 Back to our special place. 484 00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:58,486 ♪ Men. ♪ 485 00:21:06,957 --> 00:21:08,775 What do you want to watch? 486 00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:11,415 I know someone wants to watch Babe again. 487 00:21:11,711 --> 00:21:16,711 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man