00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:03,608 --> 00:00:04,641 Morning. 2 00:00:04,643 --> 00:00:05,575 Morning. 3 00:00:05,577 --> 00:00:08,178 Ooh, Cap'n Crunch. 4 00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:10,780 That's the only man I put in my mouth. 5 00:00:10,782 --> 00:00:14,017 It puts my relationship with Orville Redenbacher 6 00:00:14,019 --> 00:00:15,852 in a whole different light. 7 00:00:17,722 --> 00:00:20,240 I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy. 8 00:00:20,242 --> 00:00:22,943 We're making food jokes here. 9 00:00:22,945 --> 00:00:24,811 The U.P.S. guy's not food. 10 00:00:24,813 --> 00:00:27,197 He is if you cover him with whipped cream. 11 00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:30,417 What can I say? 12 00:00:30,419 --> 00:00:33,787 There's just something about a man in brown shorts. 13 00:00:33,789 --> 00:00:35,154 Okay, I'm in big trouble. 14 00:00:35,156 --> 00:00:37,874 Speaking of a man with brown shorts. 15 00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:40,176 What's wrong? 16 00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:41,211 Well, I just got a call 17 00:00:41,213 --> 00:00:42,178 from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry. 18 00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:43,162 And he wants to see me. 19 00:00:43,164 --> 00:00:44,798 Well, he wants to see Jeff Strongman. 20 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,549 Who's Jeff Strongman? 21 00:00:46,551 --> 00:00:48,334 Oh, Jeff Strongman 22 00:00:48,336 --> 00:00:50,470 is Alan's alter ego he uses 23 00:00:50,472 --> 00:00:52,889 to meet Larry and fight crime. 24 00:00:55,009 --> 00:00:58,011 Wait, so, you use a fake name to sneak around with other men? 25 00:00:59,847 --> 00:01:02,449 Where do you guys meet? A Lady Gaga concert? 26 00:01:02,451 --> 00:01:06,119 It was a spin class if you must know. 27 00:01:06,121 --> 00:01:07,537 Now, what am I gonna do? 28 00:01:07,539 --> 00:01:09,406 I told you something like this was gonna happen. 29 00:01:09,408 --> 00:01:12,292 (mocking): "I told you something like this was gonna happen." 30 00:01:12,294 --> 00:01:14,911 Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't tell me why he wanted to see me 31 00:01:14,913 --> 00:01:16,046 and he sounded pretty upset. 32 00:01:16,048 --> 00:01:17,831 Well, what kind of world are we living in 33 00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,033 where a guy is upset with another guy 34 00:01:20,035 --> 00:01:22,368 for banging his girlfriend? 35 00:01:23,304 --> 00:01:24,838 See, that's why I love being gay. 36 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,257 A guy finds out I'm doing his girlfriend, 37 00:01:27,259 --> 00:01:28,725 I don't get an angry phone call. 38 00:01:28,727 --> 00:01:32,395 I get a dozen roses and a copy of the video. 39 00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:36,599 Too bad I can't convince Larry I'm gay. 40 00:01:36,601 --> 00:01:39,202 Come on, Zippy, you're making it too easy for us. 41 00:01:44,992 --> 00:01:47,894 Oh, hey! 42 00:01:47,896 --> 00:01:48,895 There he is. 43 00:01:48,897 --> 00:01:51,064 My main man with a winter tan. 44 00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:52,949 Jeff. 45 00:01:52,951 --> 00:01:55,168 Uh, I got you a coffee. Can I get you anything else? 46 00:01:55,170 --> 00:01:56,753 Uh, one-one of these muffins? They're bran. 47 00:01:56,755 --> 00:01:58,071 Keeps your trains running on time. 48 00:01:58,073 --> 00:01:59,839 Poop-poop! 49 00:01:59,841 --> 00:02:01,391 I'm not hungry. 50 00:02:01,393 --> 00:02:03,543 All right then, I'll just sit across from you. 51 00:02:03,545 --> 00:02:05,378 Right here... 52 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:07,630 in front of all these witnesses. 53 00:02:07,632 --> 00:02:09,349 You know my girlfriend Lyndsey? 54 00:02:09,351 --> 00:02:10,383 Is it Lyndsey? 55 00:02:10,385 --> 00:02:11,634 I thought it was Linda. 56 00:02:11,636 --> 00:02:13,603 Glad you cleared that up before I saw her again... 57 00:02:13,605 --> 00:02:15,805 which I haven't, and why would I? 58 00:02:15,807 --> 00:02:16,940 She's been cheating on me. 59 00:02:16,942 --> 00:02:20,026 (hacking) 60 00:02:20,028 --> 00:02:21,694 Mmm, sorry. 61 00:02:21,696 --> 00:02:23,763 Just a little... (clears throat) 62 00:02:23,765 --> 00:02:25,782 Why do you think she's cheating on you? 63 00:02:25,784 --> 00:02:27,534 I hired a private investigator to follow her. 64 00:02:27,536 --> 00:02:30,036 (hacking) 65 00:02:30,038 --> 00:02:32,906 Uh, do you mind? 66 00:02:32,908 --> 00:02:34,958 She's been meeting him at a house in Malibu. 67 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,746 Sorry, sorry, I'm just a little shocked. 68 00:02:39,748 --> 00:02:41,280 Imagine how I feel. 69 00:02:41,282 --> 00:02:43,383 Well, I-I can't, uh, uh, but I do know 70 00:02:43,385 --> 00:02:46,285 that in situations like this, it's the woman who's to blame. 71 00:02:46,287 --> 00:02:48,838 She's not the only one. 72 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,141 Please, I have a son! 73 00:02:51,143 --> 00:02:53,126 This is the guy. 74 00:02:54,428 --> 00:02:56,346 Wait, this is the guy? 75 00:02:56,348 --> 00:02:58,297 Yeah. 76 00:02:58,299 --> 00:03:00,183 This is guy you think banging your girlfriend? 77 00:03:00,185 --> 00:03:01,184 I know he is. 78 00:03:01,186 --> 00:03:02,468 And only him? 79 00:03:02,470 --> 00:03:03,520 Nobody else? 80 00:03:03,522 --> 00:03:04,821 Isn't this bad enough? 81 00:03:04,823 --> 00:03:08,024 Well, sure. 82 00:03:08,026 --> 00:03:10,944 But, you know, there could also be another explanation. 83 00:03:10,946 --> 00:03:12,612 I mean, maybe she's just lost 84 00:03:12,614 --> 00:03:14,197 and she's asking this guy for directions. 85 00:03:14,199 --> 00:03:17,534 Right, "Excuse me, sir, can you help me find my G-spot?" 86 00:03:18,419 --> 00:03:20,319 It's not just this photo. 87 00:03:20,321 --> 00:03:22,038 It's the late night errands. 88 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,339 Hiding her phone. 89 00:03:23,341 --> 00:03:24,958 Plus, we haven't had sex in forever! 90 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,659 Wow, that's rough. 91 00:03:26,661 --> 00:03:29,328 I guess this guy, whoever he is, 92 00:03:29,330 --> 00:03:32,849 satisfies her every need. 93 00:03:32,851 --> 00:03:34,100 I want to kill him. 94 00:03:34,102 --> 00:03:36,002 I hate being lied to like this. 95 00:03:36,004 --> 00:03:37,336 I get it, you know. 96 00:03:37,338 --> 00:03:40,273 Sometimes you think you know a person, but you don't. 97 00:03:40,275 --> 00:03:42,275 Panini for Strongman. 98 00:03:45,146 --> 00:03:46,396 Jeff, that's you. 99 00:03:46,398 --> 00:03:47,564 What? 100 00:03:47,566 --> 00:03:49,265 Oh, oh, yeah, that's me. 101 00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,502 Jeff Strongman. 102 00:03:52,504 --> 00:03:55,121 Someone who's not banging anyone's girlfriend. 103 00:03:55,123 --> 00:03:57,957 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 104 00:03:57,959 --> 00:04:01,010 ♪ Ah. ♪ Men. 105 00:04:01,035 --> 00:04:05,035 ♪ Two and a Half Men 11x08 ♪ Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. Original Air Date on November 21, 2013 106 00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:10,060 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 107 00:04:18,005 --> 00:04:21,340 Oh, no, there's a stranger in my house. 108 00:04:21,342 --> 00:04:24,577 And it's possibly a gay porn star from the '70s. 109 00:04:24,579 --> 00:04:27,046 It's me, Alan. 110 00:04:27,048 --> 00:04:28,664 I-I believe you're supposed to say, 111 00:04:28,666 --> 00:04:30,833 (Italian accent): "It's-a me, a-Mario!" 112 00:04:33,587 --> 00:04:36,822 So, I take it things didn't go great with Larry? 113 00:04:36,824 --> 00:04:38,841 Well, he does know that Lyndsey's cheating on him, 114 00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,960 but the good news is he doesn't know that it's with me. 115 00:04:40,962 --> 00:04:42,812 So, why do you look 116 00:04:42,814 --> 00:04:45,715 like one of the Village People in street clothes? 117 00:04:45,717 --> 00:04:47,800 Ah, well, uh, he hired a, uh, a private detective, 118 00:04:47,802 --> 00:04:50,102 uh, to watch the house because, uh, 119 00:04:50,104 --> 00:04:51,854 and here's where it gets really funny, 120 00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:53,256 um, uh, 121 00:04:53,258 --> 00:04:56,659 he thinks that Lyndsey is cheating on him with... 122 00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:58,144 No. 123 00:04:59,145 --> 00:05:01,530 No, no, no. 124 00:05:01,532 --> 00:05:03,783 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 125 00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:05,918 It's crazy, right? 126 00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:08,921 Why didn't you tell him the truth? 127 00:05:08,923 --> 00:05:11,874 Fear, cowardice. 128 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,292 Lack of a dental plan. 129 00:05:13,294 --> 00:05:16,545 Uh, besides, he-he just lost Lyndsey, 130 00:05:16,547 --> 00:05:17,930 I didn't want him to lose his best friend. 131 00:05:17,932 --> 00:05:19,498 Okay, well, you're gonna lose your best friend 132 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:20,766 if you don't fix this! 133 00:05:20,768 --> 00:05:22,718 Oh, I'm your best friend? 134 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,053 Alan, I am serious. 135 00:05:24,055 --> 00:05:26,389 I do not want a private detective watching this house. 136 00:05:26,391 --> 00:05:28,357 And I... and I definitely don't want 137 00:05:28,359 --> 00:05:30,443 an angry boyfriend after me. 138 00:05:30,445 --> 00:05:31,444 Well, you should've thought of that 139 00:05:31,446 --> 00:05:34,030 before you slept with Lyndsey. 140 00:05:34,032 --> 00:05:36,198 I've got some work to do. 141 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,984 And I'm gonna go out and run some errands. 142 00:05:37,986 --> 00:05:40,519 And when I get back, this better be cleaned up. 143 00:05:40,521 --> 00:05:41,904 Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it. 144 00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:43,773 Oh, oh, but just in case. 145 00:05:47,878 --> 00:05:49,295 Oh, God! 146 00:05:49,297 --> 00:05:51,714 Is there any look you can't pull off? 147 00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:54,467 (Italian accent): I'm-a gonna kill you. 148 00:05:58,538 --> 00:05:59,805 Hey! 149 00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:00,723 Hi-ya! 150 00:06:00,725 --> 00:06:02,091 Oh! 151 00:06:03,126 --> 00:06:04,560 What the hell? 152 00:06:04,562 --> 00:06:06,862 Alan, what are you doing? 153 00:06:06,864 --> 00:06:10,483 At the moment, looking for my left ball. 154 00:06:10,485 --> 00:06:12,318 Larry just dropped me off. 155 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:13,819 He could've seen you. 156 00:06:13,821 --> 00:06:15,037 That's why I'm here. Larry thinks you're 157 00:06:15,039 --> 00:06:16,655 having an affair with Walden. 158 00:06:16,657 --> 00:06:18,491 What? Why would he think that? 159 00:06:18,493 --> 00:06:19,608 Well, because he he hired a P.I. 160 00:06:19,610 --> 00:06:21,610 who t a picture of the two of you together. 161 00:06:21,612 --> 00:06:24,830 And by the way, it looked like it was a cold day. 162 00:06:24,832 --> 00:06:26,449 You're an idiot. 163 00:06:26,451 --> 00:06:27,416 I know. 164 00:06:27,418 --> 00:06:28,751 So, what-what are we gonna do? 165 00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:31,987 Okay, look, I've done this plenty of times before. 166 00:06:31,989 --> 00:06:34,490 The first thing you do is deny everything. 167 00:06:34,492 --> 00:06:35,591 Right, denial. Wait. 168 00:06:35,593 --> 00:06:36,959 You've done this plenty of times before? 169 00:06:37,627 --> 00:06:38,627 Did you ever cheat on me? 170 00:06:38,629 --> 00:06:40,629 Never. 171 00:06:40,631 --> 00:06:42,247 Okay, good. 172 00:06:42,249 --> 00:06:43,516 (phone chirps) Oh! 173 00:06:43,518 --> 00:06:45,267 Oh, it's Larry. 174 00:06:45,269 --> 00:06:46,102 What does he want? 175 00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:47,186 Uh, well, let's see. 176 00:06:47,188 --> 00:06:48,971 Uh, "Just dropped off the cheating whor... 177 00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,389 Lyndsey." 178 00:06:51,641 --> 00:06:52,475 "Want to grab a drink?" 179 00:06:52,477 --> 00:06:53,526 Okay, you go play 180 00:06:53,528 --> 00:06:55,227 the sympathetic friend, calm him down. 181 00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:56,445 I'll figure sothing out. 182 00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:57,863 Sounds good, uh... 183 00:06:57,865 --> 00:06:59,431 "No problem, bro." 184 00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:00,566 Uh... 185 00:07:00,568 --> 00:07:03,102 Cocktail glass emoji. 186 00:07:03,104 --> 00:07:05,571 Stall him as long as you can. 187 00:07:05,573 --> 00:07:06,539 Right. 188 00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:07,573 I'm sorry I kicked you 189 00:07:07,575 --> 00:07:09,241 in the balls-- is there anything I can do? 190 00:07:09,243 --> 00:07:11,944 You could kiss it and make it better. 191 00:07:11,946 --> 00:07:13,145 Good-bye, Alan. 192 00:07:13,147 --> 00:07:14,830 Oh, come on! 193 00:07:14,832 --> 00:07:17,083 It's not like I could do it myself. 194 00:07:18,635 --> 00:07:22,505 God knows I've tried. 195 00:07:22,507 --> 00:07:25,424 (tires screeching) 196 00:07:25,426 --> 00:07:27,593 Get in the car! Rose? 197 00:07:27,595 --> 00:07:28,677 What are you doing? 198 00:07:28,679 --> 00:07:30,129 Someone's following you. 199 00:07:30,131 --> 00:07:32,214 Yeah, you! 200 00:07:32,216 --> 00:07:35,300 There's no time for this, you're in danger. 201 00:07:35,302 --> 00:07:37,336 Yeah, from you! 202 00:07:37,338 --> 00:07:38,771 Just get in. 203 00:07:38,773 --> 00:07:39,989 Why would I get in your car? 204 00:07:39,991 --> 00:07:41,023 I mean, the last time 205 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,741 I tried to trust you... 206 00:07:42,743 --> 00:07:44,193 What? What are you looking at? 207 00:07:44,195 --> 00:07:46,979 You got a little spot on your shirt. 208 00:07:46,981 --> 00:07:48,447 Oh. 209 00:07:48,449 --> 00:07:49,448 (screams) 210 00:07:49,450 --> 00:07:51,700 Drive! Drive! Drive! 211 00:07:51,702 --> 00:07:54,670 Drive! Drive! 212 00:07:54,672 --> 00:07:56,505 I found out more about this guy. 213 00:07:56,507 --> 00:07:58,824 His name is Walden Schmidt. 214 00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,659 More like lying sack of Schmidt. 215 00:08:00,661 --> 00:08:03,179 (chuckles) Am I right? 216 00:08:03,181 --> 00:08:06,298 Turns out he's some kind of stupid Internet billionaire. 217 00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,466 Don't you hate when guys don't work 218 00:08:07,468 --> 00:08:08,601 for a living like you and me? 219 00:08:08,603 --> 00:08:11,353 Amen, Jeff Strongman. 220 00:08:11,355 --> 00:08:12,838 Hey, come on, you know, 221 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,056 this isn't the worst thing in the world. 222 00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:15,340 You're gonna bounce back. 223 00:08:15,342 --> 00:08:17,276 I guess, I mean, I should've seen it coming. 224 00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:19,812 I mean, she cheated on her last boyfriend with me. 225 00:08:19,814 --> 00:08:22,398 Her-her last boyfriend? 226 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,516 Yeah, I guess the guy was a real loser. 227 00:08:24,518 --> 00:08:26,952 A pathetic freeloader. 228 00:08:26,954 --> 00:08:29,655 Well, that's just conjecture. 229 00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:32,074 I mean, you know, maybe he's a-a really great guy 230 00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:35,494 and she's just a crazy lying bitch. 231 00:08:35,496 --> 00:08:36,579 I'm not gonna take it lying down 232 00:08:36,581 --> 00:08:38,330 like the pansy she was dating before me. 233 00:08:38,332 --> 00:08:41,867 Is "pansy" your word or hers? 234 00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:42,685 Hers. 235 00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:43,669 I'm going to the head. 236 00:08:43,671 --> 00:08:44,753 You get the check 237 00:08:44,755 --> 00:08:46,472 and we'll go pay this bastard a visit. 238 00:08:46,474 --> 00:08:48,007 Take your time. 239 00:08:48,009 --> 00:08:49,208 No rush. 240 00:08:52,395 --> 00:08:55,214 Oh, come on, Lyndsey, pick up, pick up, pick up! 241 00:08:55,216 --> 00:08:58,234 (groans) Of course, voice mail. 242 00:08:58,236 --> 00:09:00,486 Lyndsey, things have gone from bad to worse. 243 00:09:00,488 --> 00:09:02,688 Larry is gonna confront Walden, and I don't know what to do. 244 00:09:02,690 --> 00:09:03,856 Call me back. 245 00:09:03,858 --> 00:09:05,057 Oh, and PS-- you and I have 246 00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:07,326 a little issue to discuss ourselves. 247 00:09:07,328 --> 00:09:10,229 Oh, and PPS-- the "P" stands for "pansy." 248 00:09:10,231 --> 00:09:12,064 Mm-hmm. 249 00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:13,832 Whew. 250 00:09:13,834 --> 00:09:15,334 Looks like we lost him. 251 00:09:15,336 --> 00:09:17,836 What the hell is going on? 252 00:09:17,838 --> 00:09:21,073 Well, I'm pretty sure Larry hired a hit man. 253 00:09:21,075 --> 00:09:22,625 How do you know about Larry? 254 00:09:22,627 --> 00:09:24,210 Because he's stalking you. 255 00:09:24,212 --> 00:09:25,878 How do you know that? 256 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,180 Because I'm stalking you. 257 00:09:28,182 --> 00:09:29,882 Okay, okay, you know, this is ridiculous. 258 00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,100 I'm calling the police. 259 00:09:31,102 --> 00:09:33,052 And tell them what? 260 00:09:33,054 --> 00:09:35,187 We have no proof of anything. 261 00:09:35,189 --> 00:09:36,722 And besides, how helpful were the police 262 00:09:36,724 --> 00:09:37,973 when you called them on me? 263 00:09:37,975 --> 00:09:40,592 Uh, I got them to issue a restraining order. 264 00:09:40,594 --> 00:09:42,728 Hi. 265 00:09:44,264 --> 00:09:45,597 Okay, I... 266 00:09:45,599 --> 00:09:47,233 Uh-oh, he's back. 267 00:09:47,235 --> 00:09:50,486 I don't know how he keeps finding us. 268 00:09:50,488 --> 00:09:52,154 I'll tell you how. 269 00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,073 The GPS on my cell phone. 270 00:09:54,075 --> 00:09:55,491 Give me that. 271 00:09:57,327 --> 00:10:01,130 I was gonna turn it off, but okay. 272 00:10:01,132 --> 00:10:02,281 Hang on. 273 00:10:02,283 --> 00:10:03,465 What? Why? 274 00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:06,585 Whoa, whoa, whoa! (squealing) 275 00:10:06,587 --> 00:10:08,504 Whoa! 276 00:10:08,506 --> 00:10:09,722 (sighs) 277 00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:10,673 That ought to do it. 278 00:10:10,675 --> 00:10:13,759 Okay, you know... this is nonsense! 279 00:10:13,761 --> 00:10:15,177 (stammers) Take me home. 280 00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:17,646 Okay, homeward bound. 281 00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:18,847 And gagged. 282 00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:20,232 And tortured for days. 283 00:10:20,234 --> 00:10:23,468 Okay, well, fine, then take me to a hotel. 284 00:10:23,470 --> 00:10:25,020 Beverly Hills Hotel okay? 285 00:10:25,022 --> 00:10:25,988 It's perfect. 286 00:10:25,990 --> 00:10:27,523 And bang, you're dead. 287 00:10:27,525 --> 00:10:29,608 You need to get off the grid. 288 00:10:29,610 --> 00:10:31,160 Someplace they don't expect you. 289 00:10:31,162 --> 00:10:33,478 A place they can't track your credit cards. 290 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,115 Nobody is acking my credit cards. 291 00:10:36,117 --> 00:10:39,451 Oh, that wasn't you last night getting a coffee colonic? 292 00:10:40,287 --> 00:10:44,123 I will not apologize for a healthy colon. 293 00:10:48,878 --> 00:10:50,929 Okay, here we go. 294 00:10:50,931 --> 00:10:52,698 This place looks perfect. 295 00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:54,717 This place is a dump. 296 00:10:54,719 --> 00:10:57,803 Exactly, and it's the last place anyone would look for you. 297 00:10:57,805 --> 00:10:59,338 Yeah, but it's the first place 298 00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,557 that hepatitis would look for me. 299 00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:03,675 Okay, this is only temporary. 300 00:11:03,677 --> 00:11:06,028 You lay low, and I will straighten this out. 301 00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:08,197 Why in God's name would I trust you? 302 00:11:08,199 --> 00:11:10,015 Look, Walden, I know that I've caused you 303 00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,984 some tiny problems in the past, but... 304 00:11:11,986 --> 00:11:13,235 Wha...? Tiny? 305 00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:14,536 You pretended to be pregnant 306 00:11:14,538 --> 00:11:16,038 to scare my girlfriend away. 307 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,992 You sicced rabid ferrets on me! 308 00:11:19,994 --> 00:11:23,195 You tied me to my bed and tried to violate me 309 00:11:23,197 --> 00:11:25,331 with a leaf blower! 310 00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:29,885 It's so sweet you remember everything. 311 00:11:29,887 --> 00:11:32,137 But I can make up for all of that now. 312 00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:35,674 Look, when your sink is clogged, you call a plumber. 313 00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:38,177 When your car breaks down, you call a mechanic. 314 00:11:38,179 --> 00:11:40,346 When you have a dangerous psychopath after you, 315 00:11:40,348 --> 00:11:42,398 you call me. 316 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,766 All right, fine. 317 00:11:43,768 --> 00:11:45,351 I am gonna kill Alan. 318 00:11:45,353 --> 00:11:48,387 Oh, if you survive tonight, you should hire Larry's guy. 319 00:11:48,389 --> 00:11:49,554 He's good. 320 00:11:49,556 --> 00:11:52,358 ♪ Men. ♪ 321 00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:01,382 ♪ Men. ♪ 322 00:12:01,384 --> 00:12:03,568 Here you go. 323 00:12:06,339 --> 00:12:09,107 This is, uh, this is the best room you got? 324 00:12:09,109 --> 00:12:11,076 It's the presidential suite. 325 00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,612 The president of what? 326 00:12:13,614 --> 00:12:15,580 Crap-o-slovakia? 327 00:12:15,582 --> 00:12:17,499 I could offer you the honeymoon suite. 328 00:12:17,501 --> 00:12:20,785 You know, if you don't mind the smell of love. 329 00:12:22,071 --> 00:12:24,256 No, no... this is, uh... 330 00:12:24,258 --> 00:12:25,507 this is fine. 331 00:12:25,509 --> 00:12:27,175 Uh... 332 00:12:27,177 --> 00:12:29,761 Do you, uh, do you have room service? 333 00:12:32,348 --> 00:12:34,549 I might have something you might want to eat. 334 00:12:36,435 --> 00:12:38,603 I don't think you do. 335 00:12:41,257 --> 00:12:45,143 Listen, uh, if-if anyone comes here asking about me, 336 00:12:45,145 --> 00:12:46,645 I-I'm not here. 337 00:12:46,647 --> 00:12:47,896 Don't worry. 338 00:12:47,898 --> 00:12:50,098 No one will ever find you. 339 00:12:56,405 --> 00:12:59,324 Hey, uh, if you get lonely later on, 340 00:12:59,326 --> 00:13:01,293 I'm in the apartment behind the building. 341 00:13:01,295 --> 00:13:03,545 Yeah, okay. 342 00:13:03,547 --> 00:13:05,947 It's nothing fancy, but I've got some good weed 343 00:13:05,949 --> 00:13:09,417 and... a spa tub. 344 00:13:09,419 --> 00:13:12,637 I'll, uh, keep that in mind. 345 00:13:12,639 --> 00:13:14,556 There's a live feed on channel 14 346 00:13:14,558 --> 00:13:16,224 if you want to check it out. 347 00:13:21,130 --> 00:13:22,397 (door closes) 348 00:13:22,399 --> 00:13:25,517 Great, now I got to hide from him, too. 349 00:13:28,771 --> 00:13:32,190 This Walden guy is gonna regret the day he stole my girlfriend. 350 00:13:32,192 --> 00:13:34,475 Oh, it's-it's not stealing. It-It's more like borrowing. 351 00:13:34,477 --> 00:13:36,311 Like-like renting a car. 352 00:13:36,313 --> 00:13:37,946 Yeah, but when you rent a car you know there's been 353 00:13:37,948 --> 00:13:40,481 other guys inside it, turning the knobs, 354 00:13:40,483 --> 00:13:41,750 playing with the seat, 355 00:13:41,752 --> 00:13:43,451 shoving stuff in the trunk. 356 00:13:43,453 --> 00:13:45,670 Okay, okay, maybe that's a bad analogy. 357 00:13:45,672 --> 00:13:47,339 But that doesn't change the fact that going over there 358 00:13:47,341 --> 00:13:49,541 to confront him is not gonna help anything. 359 00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:50,842 You got a better idea? 360 00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:51,843 Uh, I-I do. 361 00:13:51,845 --> 00:13:53,545 How about you forget about Lyndsey 362 00:13:53,547 --> 00:13:55,847 and we go out to a bar and pick up some women. 363 00:13:55,849 --> 00:13:57,999 You know, Larry and Jeff out on the prowl. 364 00:13:58,001 --> 00:13:59,667 (growls) 365 00:13:59,669 --> 00:14:01,720 Jeff, I appreciate what you're trying to do. 366 00:14:01,722 --> 00:14:03,171 But I'm afraid if I don't do this, 367 00:14:03,173 --> 00:14:05,690 I won't be able to live with myself. 368 00:14:06,776 --> 00:14:08,360 And I'm afraid if you do this, 369 00:14:08,362 --> 00:14:11,062 I'll have to live by myself. 370 00:14:12,398 --> 00:14:14,599 (indistinct chatter on TV) 371 00:14:16,836 --> 00:14:19,537 Oh, no! Channel 14! 372 00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:29,714 Oh, God! 373 00:14:29,716 --> 00:14:31,249 (knocking) 374 00:14:32,034 --> 00:14:34,085 Who is it? 375 00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:36,755 (deep voice): It's Larry, I'm here to kill you, Walden. 376 00:14:36,757 --> 00:14:39,140 Mr. Walden, he die. 377 00:14:39,142 --> 00:14:41,559 I clean room. 378 00:14:41,561 --> 00:14:43,378 ROSE: No, silly rabbit, it's just me. 379 00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:45,146 Wha...? Rose? 380 00:14:45,148 --> 00:14:47,548 Is that...? 381 00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:49,100 Are you alone? 382 00:14:49,102 --> 00:14:53,121 Yeah, but a nice man did just invite me into his spa tub. 383 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,409 Here, I brought some food. 384 00:14:57,411 --> 00:14:58,660 Yeah, I can't eat. 385 00:14:58,662 --> 00:14:59,727 Why not? 386 00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:01,079 Well, because if I do, 387 00:15:01,081 --> 00:15:02,914 eventually I'll have to go in there. 388 00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,618 And I'm not going in there. 389 00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:08,753 Uh, so, did you find anything out? 390 00:15:08,755 --> 00:15:11,172 Still no sign of Larry. He could be anywhere. 391 00:15:11,174 --> 00:15:13,208 God, Alan was supposed to take care of this. 392 00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:15,010 Well, yeah, he also told you he was only gonna live 393 00:15:15,012 --> 00:15:18,913 at your house a few days, and here we are at day 800 and... 394 00:15:18,915 --> 00:15:20,748 43. 395 00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,684 Oh, I almost forgot. 396 00:15:22,686 --> 00:15:24,552 I t usgoome candy bars. 397 00:15:24,554 --> 00:15:26,771 Mounds for you, 'cause it's your favorite. 398 00:15:26,773 --> 00:15:27,806 Aw. 399 00:15:27,808 --> 00:15:28,857 Almond Joy for me 400 00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,359 'cause, you know... nuts. 401 00:15:33,279 --> 00:15:35,980 Hey, why are you being so nice to me? 402 00:15:35,982 --> 00:15:39,150 You know, I'll admit that you hurt me. 403 00:15:39,152 --> 00:15:42,603 And I did some things that I'm not proud of. 404 00:15:43,656 --> 00:15:45,290 But just because you took a restraining order 405 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,242 out against me... 406 00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:51,162 doesn't mean that I can restrain my feelings for you. 407 00:15:51,164 --> 00:15:53,214 That is the sweetest, 408 00:15:53,216 --> 00:15:55,717 most terrifying thing 409 00:15:55,719 --> 00:15:57,635 I've ever heard. 410 00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:01,723 Are you really scared of me? 411 00:16:01,725 --> 00:16:05,293 You're not even the scariest person I've met in this room. 412 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,398 And the truth is, I'm-I'm not blameless. 413 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,100 I mean, I chose another girl over you, 414 00:16:12,102 --> 00:16:16,071 and look who's here with me now? 415 00:16:16,638 --> 00:16:19,491 I never really left you. 416 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,278 Literally. 417 00:16:26,198 --> 00:16:29,200 File this under things I'm gonna regret. 418 00:16:33,456 --> 00:16:36,657 Damn it, should've brought my leaf blower. 419 00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:45,600 Oh, uh, the doorbell doesn't work. 420 00:16:45,602 --> 00:16:47,469 What? 421 00:16:47,471 --> 00:16:49,504 I mean, uh, that-that does not work 422 00:16:49,506 --> 00:16:52,673 if you want to send a message that there's a man here. 423 00:16:53,642 --> 00:16:54,976 ♪ Ding-dong. 424 00:16:54,978 --> 00:16:56,478 "I'm gonna kick your tushie." 425 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,863 You're right. Yeah. 426 00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:00,315 Oh. 427 00:17:00,317 --> 00:17:02,350 Okay, now, listen, now-now, this could get crazy. 428 00:17:02,352 --> 00:17:04,202 I mean, there's gonna be a lot of name calling-- 429 00:17:04,204 --> 00:17:06,354 uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot, uh, Alan. 430 00:17:06,356 --> 00:17:07,789 Uh... 431 00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:10,575 Larry? Lyndsey? 432 00:17:10,577 --> 00:17:13,995 I know exactly what's going on between you and Walden Schmidt. 433 00:17:13,997 --> 00:17:15,747 Now, where is he? 434 00:17:15,749 --> 00:17:18,500 Wow! This house is amazing. 435 00:17:21,587 --> 00:17:23,888 Larry, this isn't what you think. 436 00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:25,373 It's exactly what I think. 437 00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:26,591 I have pictures. 438 00:17:26,593 --> 00:17:28,209 We're standing in his house! 439 00:17:28,211 --> 00:17:30,512 Okay, it-it's time for me to tell you the truth. 440 00:17:30,514 --> 00:17:33,264 Don't believe her! She's a cheating, drunk whore! 441 00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:37,318 Larry, listen to me. 442 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,354 I'm not here to sleep with Walden Schmidt. 443 00:17:39,356 --> 00:17:41,055 I'm here to sleep with someone else. 444 00:17:41,057 --> 00:17:42,607 What?! What?! 445 00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:44,609 Remember you told me 446 00:17:44,611 --> 00:17:46,828 your fantasy was to see me with another woman? 447 00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:49,063 Yeah? Yeah? 448 00:17:50,065 --> 00:17:52,000 I've arranged for your dream to come true. 449 00:17:52,002 --> 00:17:53,334 You did?! You did?! 450 00:17:53,336 --> 00:17:56,087 Yes, that's why I rented this beautiful beach house 451 00:17:56,089 --> 00:17:58,739 from Walden Schmidt as a birthday surprise. 452 00:17:58,741 --> 00:18:01,242 I also got us something else. 453 00:18:01,244 --> 00:18:04,295 So, which one is watching us? 454 00:18:04,297 --> 00:18:07,098 If it's him, I'm gonna have to charge extra. 455 00:18:09,385 --> 00:18:11,052 Wait a minute. Is this for real? 456 00:18:11,054 --> 00:18:13,087 Happy birthday, baby. 457 00:18:13,089 --> 00:18:15,056 Wow. Wow. 458 00:18:15,058 --> 00:18:16,641 (laughs) A threesome. 459 00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:18,193 That is quite a gift. 460 00:18:18,195 --> 00:18:20,195 Well, it was last minute, 461 00:18:20,197 --> 00:18:22,564 and I had to think of something. 462 00:18:22,566 --> 00:18:25,984 A nice cardigan wouldn't have done the trick? 463 00:18:25,986 --> 00:18:27,235 God, I feel so stupid. 464 00:18:27,237 --> 00:18:28,953 I even hired someone to follow you. 465 00:18:28,955 --> 00:18:30,705 Well, why don't you call them off, 466 00:18:30,707 --> 00:18:32,073 and we'll all go sit down 467 00:18:32,075 --> 00:18:34,459 and talk about the things you want to see? 468 00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:36,878 Bye, Jeff. 469 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:37,996 Yeah, bye, Jeff. 470 00:18:37,998 --> 00:18:40,215 I'll send you a copy of the video. 471 00:18:41,383 --> 00:18:42,567 Wait. Thi-Thi... Wait. This is 472 00:18:42,569 --> 00:18:43,718 really... happening? 473 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,587 I mean, you-you-you and-and-and her? 474 00:18:45,589 --> 00:18:47,639 And-and... and him? 475 00:18:47,641 --> 00:18:49,757 And-and-and here? 476 00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:51,959 While... while I...? 477 00:18:51,961 --> 00:18:54,295 Son of a bitch! 478 00:18:54,297 --> 00:18:55,647 (mutters) 479 00:18:55,649 --> 00:18:56,864 This is crazy. 480 00:18:56,866 --> 00:18:58,066 You know, I'll... I'll bet 481 00:18:58,068 --> 00:19:00,018 if Lyndsey had been sleeping with somebody else, 482 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:03,404 he'd be really, really mad. 483 00:19:03,406 --> 00:19:05,156 I know. Isn't this great, Jeff? 484 00:19:05,158 --> 00:19:07,775 She's not a cheating whore. She's just a whore. 485 00:19:08,944 --> 00:19:10,645 Hi. It's Larry Martin. 486 00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:13,481 Oh, hey. 487 00:19:13,483 --> 00:19:15,750 Listen, I'm not going to be needing your services anymore, 488 00:19:15,752 --> 00:19:17,085 but I appreciate all your help. 489 00:19:17,087 --> 00:19:18,620 No problem. 490 00:19:18,622 --> 00:19:19,837 It was my pleasure. 491 00:19:19,839 --> 00:19:21,956 Good-bye. 492 00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:25,326 That was Alan. 493 00:19:25,328 --> 00:19:26,461 What did he say? 494 00:19:26,463 --> 00:19:30,765 Well, he, uh, thanked me for protecting you. 495 00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:32,467 But there's still no sign of Larry. 496 00:19:32,469 --> 00:19:34,802 And as long as he's out there, you're not safe. 497 00:19:34,804 --> 00:19:36,671 I'm gonna go get us some supplies. 498 00:19:36,673 --> 00:19:38,056 No, don't go! 499 00:19:38,058 --> 00:19:39,557 We're having a good time. 500 00:19:39,559 --> 00:19:42,009 You're just a sticky little honey bun, aren't you? 501 00:19:42,011 --> 00:19:44,345 Now, don't try to get in touch with anyone, 502 00:19:44,347 --> 00:19:46,197 or Larry will kill you. 503 00:19:47,066 --> 00:19:49,284 Kisses. 504 00:19:49,286 --> 00:19:51,452 (sighs) 505 00:19:53,572 --> 00:19:55,990 I got to go to the bathroom. 506 00:19:58,794 --> 00:20:01,028 Screw it. I'll just pee the bed. 507 00:20:04,917 --> 00:20:06,918 (thunder rumbling) 508 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,886 (heavy footsteps) 509 00:20:11,390 --> 00:20:13,157 Rose? 510 00:20:13,159 --> 00:20:15,460 (loud jangling of keys) 511 00:20:15,462 --> 00:20:16,894 All right, come on, Rose. 512 00:20:16,896 --> 00:20:19,147 This... this... It's not funny. 513 00:20:19,149 --> 00:20:21,516 (thunder crackling) 514 00:20:23,402 --> 00:20:25,570 Larry?! 515 00:20:26,655 --> 00:20:29,490 Listen, we can... we can... we can work this out! 516 00:20:29,492 --> 00:20:31,609 It's-it's just a little misunderstanding. 517 00:20:31,611 --> 00:20:32,994 (door rattling) 518 00:20:32,996 --> 00:20:34,612 Oh, God! I... 519 00:20:34,614 --> 00:20:36,831 (door rattling loudly) 520 00:20:42,904 --> 00:20:44,839 Well, that was rude. 521 00:20:44,841 --> 00:20:46,958 Looks like I took a shower for nothing. 522 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,711 ♪ Men. ♪ 523 00:21:00,045 --> 00:21:03,981 ♪ Come out, come out, wherever you are! ♪ 524 00:21:08,020 --> 00:21:09,904 I hate you, Jeff Strongman. 525 00:21:09,906 --> 00:21:14,906 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man