00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:07,571 You, uh, got a minute, boss? 2 00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:09,071 Actually, I'm kind of busy. 3 00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:11,903 Pushing new code on an API for this e-comm platform. Ripped By mstoll 4 00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:15,013 "I am from the future. I am a handsome robot." 5 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:18,743 Look, I wouldn't bother you with this if I didn't think it was important. 6 00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,180 Okay, just make it quick. 7 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,787 That's my specialty. Ask any woman I've ever been with. 8 00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:27,226 I will call them both. 9 00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,724 What do you got? 10 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:32,955 Behold your new coffee mug. 11 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:34,564 Ah! 12 00:00:36,269 --> 00:00:37,236 What? 13 00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:39,064 You asked me to look for new mugs for your office. 14 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:40,239 What do you think? 15 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,136 There's a hole in the top and no hole in the bottom. 16 00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:44,310 Nailed it. 17 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,570 Thanks. So what do you want written on it? 18 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,145 Written on it? 19 00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:50,908 Your choices are: Coffee, java or Joe. 20 00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,948 I don't know, just Joe. 21 00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:54,120 Excellent choice. 22 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,050 Although, what if you hire a guy named Joe? 23 00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:00,658 I think the temptation for these mugs to walk out the door is a little too high. 24 00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,555 Fine, just write "coffee" on it. 25 00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:05,287 Great, coffee in the mug, and coffee on the mug. 26 00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:07,295 Love it. 27 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,024 But let me run this past you. 28 00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,896 "Java the Mug." 29 00:01:12,605 --> 00:01:14,732 You know, because of Star Wars? 30 00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:18,638 - Stop! - Right, right. You're busy. 31 00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,836 - Oh, one last thing. - Oh, good God! 32 00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:22,708 Alan, I hired you as my assistant 33 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,577 so I don't have to think about things like this. 34 00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:26,809 Oh, yeah, I know. But I wanna do a good job for you. 35 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,648 You're gonna look at this every day. I don't want you to hate it. 36 00:01:29,856 --> 00:01:32,689 That does happen with things I look at every day. 37 00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,292 Okay, so, one final question. 38 00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:38,555 Do you want your mug to be left-handed or right-handed? 39 00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:42,701 You're kidding, right? 40 00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:44,870 No, some people hold them in their left hand. 41 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,971 Some people hold them in their right hand. 42 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:56,677 Ah! 43 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:01,114 Okay, changing your mug from "World's Greatest Boss" 44 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:02,345 to "World's Smartest Boss". 45 00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,216 Okay, I'm gonna go pee. 46 00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:05,686 As long as you're in the bathroom, 47 00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:08,918 I left three different types of toilet tissue in there for you. 48 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,029 Let me know which one is best. 49 00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,166 Oh, and the brown one is not ajoke. 50 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:16,964 (MIMICKING ALAN): "Hire me, Walden. I can be your assistant." 51 00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:19,900 You know what your mug should say? "World's worst employee." 52 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:25,876 World's second-worst employee! 53 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,877 ♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪ 54 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,714 Hey, nap time's over. 55 00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,688 I'm not napping. I threw my back out. 56 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,418 My God, are you okay? What happened? 57 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:46,565 It seized up, when I was climbing into your bed to take a nap. 58 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,331 Everything's gonna be okay. Just relax. 59 00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:51,834 Alan, get up here! 60 00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:53,232 Why are you calling Zippy? 61 00:02:53,439 --> 00:02:54,838 He's a chiropractor. He can help. 62 00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:58,909 Stop! It hurts when I laugh. 63 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,909 Has this happened before? 64 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,674 Once, at a bike rally in Sturgis. 65 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:08,377 Me and a couple of Hell's Angels decided to drop acid and get naked. 66 00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:09,714 Alan! 67 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,318 What's going on? Is something wrong? 68 00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,359 - Yeah, Berta threw her back out. - Oh, no. What should we do? 69 00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:19,293 - I called a chiropractor. - Great. 70 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:23,563 Oh, me! Duh! 71 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:26,364 Well, let's see what we got here. Where's the pain? 72 00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:29,303 Standing in front of me, asking stupid questions. 73 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,343 Berta, be nice. Alan's a doctor. 74 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:32,975 (LAUGHING) 75 00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:36,647 Yes, yes, ha-ha! But I can help you. 76 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:40,046 Although I am legally obligated to tell you my license has expired. 77 00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,845 But thankfully, backs haven't changed that much 78 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,546 since my unsuccessful board review. 79 00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:45,985 So, you can't move at all? 80 00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:47,955 Every time I do, it tightens up more. 81 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:51,597 Oh, sounds like a classic back spasm. You probably need bed rest and ice. 82 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,130 But just in case, let me see if you need a spinal adjustment. 83 00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:55,962 Touch me, and you die. 84 00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,596 She may also need an attitude adjustment. 85 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,468 I'll call my doctor and have him come take a look. 86 00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:05,143 Western medicine. He'll probably prescribe painkillers. 87 00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:06,505 Call him. 88 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:10,274 I will. In the meantime, you stay here as long as you need. 89 00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:11,450 I'll take the guest room. 90 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:15,087 Why? My back's out, but my front still works. 91 00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:18,257 Be like Sturgis all over again. 92 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,360 - Morning. - Hey. 93 00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:28,466 - Hey, were you alone last night? - Yeah, why? 94 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,297 Because from 11:15 to 11:22, 95 00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:36,635 all I heard was, "Oh, yeah, that's the way Daddy likes it." 96 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,579 Oh. Um... 97 00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,848 Uh, right, the walls are really thin 98 00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,882 between my bedroom and the guest room. 99 00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:49,111 And I was watching TV. 100 00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:50,683 Huh. 101 00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,518 So the same show came on again at 1:30, 102 00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:55,353 and then again at 4:15? 103 00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,358 Ah. Weird. 104 00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,555 (SCOFFING) 105 00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:02,132 - Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm. 106 00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,098 What is wrong with Daddy? 107 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,798 He's Ionely, okay? Can you just let it go? 108 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,704 I should ask you the same question. 109 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,377 What're you doing? 110 00:05:15,581 --> 00:05:17,242 Well, since Berta is incapacitated, 111 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:20,248 I have taken the initiative to design and build a chore wheel. 112 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:21,579 What is a chore wheel? 113 00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,655 It's a wheel with a variety of chores on the outside 114 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:26,188 and names on the inside. 115 00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:28,986 I got the idea from Charlie, who had a whore wheel. 116 00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:33,430 The only name on it is Walden. 117 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:37,160 That's because it was my chore to make the chore wheel. 118 00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:40,931 And your first chore is... 119 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:42,630 "Cleaning Alan's room." 120 00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:46,267 Ooh. That's gonna be tough after last night. 121 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,908 Maybe you should have Daddy do it. 122 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,280 Whoa! Somebody found my stash. 123 00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:57,751 It wasn't hard. 124 00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:01,688 It was right here in this box that says, "Not pot." 125 00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,418 Very clever. 126 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:05,494 I didn't want anybody to find my pot. 127 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:10,067 I was about to write, "This box contains poisonous jumping bugs." 128 00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:13,136 But then, I thought, what if this magic marker is actually magic, 129 00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:16,433 and it turns my pot into poisonous jumping bugs? 130 00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:19,810 I was really high. 131 00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:22,173 You know, I really don't think it's a good idea 132 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,282 to mix marijuana with muscle relaxers. 133 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:25,951 Oh, those pills are long gone. 134 00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:28,086 What? You had a good two weeks' worth. 135 00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,517 Or a great one night's worth. 136 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,748 Oh, bacon. 137 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:35,052 You guys take such good care of me. 138 00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:36,751 That's because you take good care of us. 139 00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:39,864 That's because I love you guys. 140 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,658 I love you more. Shh. 141 00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,461 How's your back feeling? 142 00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:47,435 Actually, a lot better. I think I'm ready to go back to work. 143 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,834 Really? So you can get up? 144 00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:51,339 Absolutely. 145 00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:52,841 Am I up? 146 00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:56,105 - No. - Damn. 147 00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:58,783 How about now? 148 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,452 Yep, looking good. 149 00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:02,678 Told you. 150 00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:05,722 Hey, bacon! 151 00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:12,196 Why do these have windows? 152 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,127 I don't need to see inside. 153 00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,929 I trust them to wash and dry the clothes. 154 00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:23,006 You know when you think about it, a lot of appliances have windows. 155 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,609 Ovens, microwaves. 156 00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:30,814 Wait a minute, are we watching them or are they watching us? 157 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,244 Got a little contact high in there with Berta, did you? 158 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:35,954 Shh! 159 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,520 Not in front of the washer. 160 00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:43,160 Hey, how old do you think Berta is, anyway? 161 00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:46,160 I don't even know her last name. 162 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:50,199 You know, I was just thinking. I mean, she hurt her back. 163 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,802 It's taking her a while to recover. 164 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,495 I mean, maybe this job's just getting to be too much for her. 165 00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:56,641 - Really? - Yeah, I don't know. 166 00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:00,210 She's not getting any younger. It's a pretty labor-intensive job. 167 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:03,974 Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear? 168 00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:09,019 You know how some people trim hedges to make the tree look bigger? 169 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:19,326 Well, I say, stuff the tree in a smaller yard. 170 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,569 Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer of boys' underwear, 171 00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:27,398 that's not gonna be good for any of us. 172 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:29,234 Neither is a drawer full of pot! 173 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:32,468 That's why I wrote "Not pot" on it! 174 00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:36,207 So are you saying you think it's time for Berta to retire? 175 00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:39,407 I don't know. Everyone slows down eventually. 176 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:40,984 Maybe you're right. 177 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,452 Maybe it's time to put the old girl out to pasture. 178 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,683 Send her off to the housekeeper farm upstate. 179 00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:50,294 That might not be the best way to tell her. 180 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:53,090 What? The farm is a beautiful place. 181 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:56,826 She can run out in the fields with all the other housekeepers. 182 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:01,973 There's sponges and fabric softener as far as the eye can see. 183 00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:05,371 And the only dishes left in the sink are made of chocolate. 184 00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:07,876 I may be a little stoned, too. 185 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,983 You ever hear about the roommate farm? 186 00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:18,923 Berta. We got a little surprise for you. 187 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,490 Chuck Norris? 188 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,826 Fried chicken, cheesecake and beer. 189 00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:29,297 That's what my first husband requested for his last meal. 190 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:30,469 Am I dying? 191 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,298 Oh, don't be silly. Do you like farms? 192 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:34,598 What? 193 00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:38,504 I think what he's trying to say is, 194 00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:42,943 have you ever thought about hanging up the old toilet brush? 195 00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,447 Raising that vest up to the rafters? 196 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,111 Oh, my God, you're firing me. 197 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,688 No, I would never fire you. I'm talking about retirement. 198 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,860 Just kicking back, taking it easy, getting high every day. 199 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:56,528 I do that now. 200 00:09:58,397 --> 00:10:00,422 Besides, I can't afford to retire. 201 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:02,498 What about that pension plan I set up for you? 202 00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:04,863 I'll tell you what happened to it. Life. 203 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,234 Your house needs a new roof, your grandson needs braces, 204 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,875 your daughter's meth lab explodes. 205 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:13,637 What were you planning on doing? Working for the rest of your life? 206 00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:17,680 I thought about getting a villa in Tuscany. 207 00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:20,010 Then, I said, nah, I'll just hang around here, 208 00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:22,949 and clean the skid-marks out of Zippy's underwear. 209 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,422 How about this? 210 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:32,724 What if you could make the same money you're making now, 211 00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,126 and never have to work again? 212 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:37,666 One last job. I like it. Am I driving or shooting? 213 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:42,738 No. You retire and I'll pay you for the rest of your life. 214 00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,842 You're gonna pay me for doing nothing? 215 00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:47,478 Yeah, I call it "The Alan Harper plan." 216 00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,173 Where's this coming from? 217 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,352 We're just worried about you. 218 00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:56,316 I mean, it's a tough job, especially for a woman of your age. 219 00:10:56,522 --> 00:10:58,080 What? 220 00:10:58,290 --> 00:11:00,588 He said it's hard for a woman your age... 221 00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:02,818 I heard him! 222 00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,758 I can do the job just fine. 223 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,865 Really? Because you basically bent over, 224 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,194 and haven't been able to get out of bed for two days. 225 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,531 So you just wanna treat me like some pathetic charity case 226 00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:14,763 you can throw money at. 227 00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,204 No, no one's saying you're a charity case. 228 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,900 Although I, on the other hand, 229 00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:21,909 would be happy to be one of Walden's kids. 230 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,048 I'm just trying to do something nice for you. 231 00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,049 By giving me a hand-out? 232 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,620 Unlike you, I've worked for every cent I ever made. 233 00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:33,257 - Excuse me? - You got rich from one idea. 234 00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,552 You have no clue what it's like to work for a living. 235 00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,286 Okay, I am not gonna apologize for being successful. 236 00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:39,521 No, you are not, my friend. 237 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,097 - Shut up! - Shut up! 238 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,289 "Work for a living?" 239 00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,867 You hurt your back trying to take a nap! 240 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,972 You know what? I don't have to take this crap. 241 00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:49,300 Well, that makes two of us! 242 00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:50,873 It's settled then. I quit. 243 00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:53,841 Oh, no! Where am I gonna find someone to eat my food, 244 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:57,243 smoke my pot and sleep in my bed? 245 00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,418 - Uh... - Shut up! 246 00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:08,889 So what do you think? Was I right or what? 247 00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:11,563 Yes, Helen is great. 248 00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:13,823 Although I still don't understand why we couldn't at least interview 249 00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,694 a topless maid. 250 00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:17,334 Or four. 251 00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,128 Would you forget about the topless maids? 252 00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:20,805 I will never forget about the topless maids. 253 00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:22,303 You saw the video. 254 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,602 "The only thing dirty in your house will be me." 255 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:29,941 - Supper time, boys. - BOTH: Oh. 256 00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:33,118 Helen, this lemonade is delicious. 257 00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:35,617 That's because I have a secret ingredient. 258 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:36,845 Oh, really? What is it? 259 00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,045 Love. 260 00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:39,917 BOTH: Aw! 261 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,987 And, like, a pound of sugar. 262 00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:47,257 - Hey, still miss Berta? - Berta who? 263 00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:50,299 Hey, maybe that's her last name? "Who." 264 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,198 More like, "Who Cares?" 265 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,901 Oh, my God. Look at this! 266 00:12:57,076 --> 00:12:59,101 And for dessert, 267 00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:03,179 when your tummy starts to rumble, there's Helen's apple crumble. 268 00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:06,212 Shut your mouth. 269 00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:08,181 I won't. 270 00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,649 You shouldn't. 271 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,881 The only thing Berta ever made with an apple was a bong. 272 00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:16,220 Well, she sounds like a hoot-and-a-half. 273 00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,728 Well, enjoy, boys. 274 00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,865 Oh, no, come join us. 275 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,298 Oh. 276 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:26,630 Well, thank you very much. 277 00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:27,668 Oh. 278 00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,706 The only thing sweeter than your manners 279 00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:33,140 is my peach cobbler. 280 00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:35,836 Spoiler alert: Tomorrow night. 281 00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:40,409 Well, I will be a gobbler of your cobbler. 282 00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:44,055 I am gonna stitch that on a pillow. 283 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,993 Oh, do you mind if I say grace? 284 00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:51,562 Yeah, sure, go ahead. 285 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:54,995 Oh. Should I eat this unblessed biscuit or spit it out? 286 00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,169 HELEN: Dear Lord, 287 00:13:57,369 --> 00:14:00,099 we thank you for the food that we are about to receive, 288 00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:03,969 and all of the other blessings that you have bestowed upon us. 289 00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:06,668 - WALDEN: Hmm. That was... - HELEN: And we humbly ask 290 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:11,680 that you help Alan and Walden find the path to righteousness. 291 00:14:11,884 --> 00:14:12,942 What? 292 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:19,022 And lead them out of their sinful, homosexual lifestyle. 293 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:24,162 Lest their souls burn in the fiery pits of hell 294 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:28,299 for all eternity with all of the other Sodomites. 295 00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,464 Amen. Can I get some sweet potatoes? 296 00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:39,975 What? She already thinks we're gobbling each other's cobblers. 297 00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,811 When you're finished with that dish, just leave it. I'll take care of it. 298 00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,081 - Oh, thank you, Colleen. - No problem. 299 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,156 I'm gonna go make the beds. 300 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,087 I don't wanna spoil the surprise, 301 00:14:57,296 --> 00:15:01,130 but I'm pretty sure she was carrying a little bag of pillow chocolates. 302 00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:02,994 I have to admit, she's pretty terrific. 303 00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:05,466 Right? She's a good cook, she's punctual. 304 00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:08,663 She's accepting of our lifestyle. 305 00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:12,401 There is no lifestyle to accept! 306 00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:13,669 But if things change, 307 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,676 it's nice to know we won't lose a great housekeeper. 308 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,111 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 309 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,679 That's not me. Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen. 310 00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:26,124 Colleen? 311 00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,324 For the love of God, just turn it off. 312 00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:35,095 - Oh, dear. - What? 313 00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,133 Look at this. 314 00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,237 Whoa! 315 00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:44,401 Okay, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this. 316 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,977 I mean, she's a single woman. Probably trying to protect herself. 317 00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,114 So what's this one for? 318 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,085 She has two guns? 319 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,275 Uh... 320 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,758 I count four. 321 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,893 And what looks like a shank. 322 00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:04,221 Okay, you get to fire this one. 323 00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:06,788 COLLEEN: Did I hear my phone? (ALAN SCREAMING) 324 00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,930 Alan has something he'd like to tell you. 325 00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:17,806 I think I made a pillow chocolate in my boy's huskies. 326 00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:26,047 Well, our last housekeeper cleaned, and sometimes cooked for us. 327 00:16:26,251 --> 00:16:28,276 Is that something that you're comfortable with? 328 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,852 Sure, what would you like me to cook? 329 00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:34,059 I don't know. For breakfast, I like pancakes. 330 00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:37,558 Of course. Pancakes. 331 00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:41,356 I'm-I'm-I'm sorry? 332 00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,059 You see an African-American woman and the first thing you think is, 333 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,171 "Aunt Jemima going whip us up some flapjacks." 334 00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:49,898 No, no. 335 00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:54,102 I need to bring my own bandana or you gonna supply me with one? 336 00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:57,908 Oh, I'm sorry, we just... We really like pancakes. 337 00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,108 - But I suppose waffles are fine. - Yeah, waffles. 338 00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:02,913 Chicken and waffles? 339 00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:06,580 You know what? Let's just forget breakfast. 340 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,453 I'll just have coffee. 341 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:09,854 How do you take it? 342 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,086 Bla... 343 00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:15,199 I prefer tea. 344 00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:19,698 So are you okay with doing laundry? 345 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:20,997 Yeah! 346 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,937 And I suppose you want me to separate the whites from the colors. 347 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,148 Um, but you are aware you're applying for ajob as a housekeeper? 348 00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,410 Oh, so now, I don't know why I'm here? 349 00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:37,917 I'm not sure you do. 350 00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,387 - What? - Okay, okay, let's... 351 00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,222 Everybody just calm down. 352 00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:44,987 Oh, so now, I've got to calm down 353 00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,392 just because I was diagnosed with schizophrenia? 354 00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:51,093 Can you believe these fools, Donny? 355 00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:02,043 Okay, I think we have all the information we need. 356 00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:03,942 Um, we'll be in touch. 357 00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:05,946 Great! 358 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,579 Let me know if you need any references. 359 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:13,952 Oh, you all have a lovely home. 360 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,493 Donny, come on now! 361 00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:25,400 No, no. You know what? I changed my mind. 362 00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:26,366 I don't want to talk to Berta. 363 00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:27,561 Too bad! 364 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,240 You wouldn't let a topless maid make your bed, 365 00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:30,999 and now you've got to lie in it. 366 00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:32,576 (DOORBELL RINGING) 367 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,110 - Well, I am not going to apologize. - You won't have to. 368 00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,373 She said if you made an effort and came to her, 369 00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,381 she'd be more than happy to apologize to you. 370 00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,781 Zippy says you want to apologize. 371 00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:46,449 See what I did, there? Can we come in? 372 00:18:46,658 --> 00:18:48,455 No, the place is a mess. 373 00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,561 I was ajerk to my housekeeper, so she quit. 374 00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,628 Okay, that's it. I'm out of here. 375 00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,027 Come on, Walden, is it that difficult to say you're sorry? 376 00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:58,328 It is, when you have nothing to say you're sorry for! 377 00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:01,028 Are you that clueless? You hurt my feelings! 378 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,571 You hurt my feelings! 379 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:04,071 And you smoked all my pot, 380 00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:07,074 so I had no way of not feeling what I was feeling! 381 00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,039 Okay, okay. Dialogue is good. 382 00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:11,876 Let's see if we can find some common ground. 383 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,984 - You're an idiot. - Yeah, agree! 384 00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:17,314 Look... 385 00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:23,526 ...I was trying to help you because I care about you. 386 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,492 Not because I see you as a charity case. 387 00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:28,427 And I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. 388 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,966 I'm sorry I overreacted. 389 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,662 Besides, I was so high, I thought you were a talking dragon. 390 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,279 It is really good stuff. 391 00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:45,507 That's the stuff I give my grandkids at Christmas. 392 00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:50,346 It's funny because I get it from a guy named Jesus. 393 00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:54,581 What do you say? Come back? 394 00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:57,193 I don't know. 395 00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,230 You may be right. 396 00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:02,059 I might not be able to do everything I used to do. 397 00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:06,465 - We'll work around it, right? - Oh, absolutely. Whatever it takes. 398 00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:10,569 - Deal? - Deal. 399 00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:13,643 Come on in, I'll make you a cup of coffee. 400 00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:22,146 Not funny! 401 00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:31,691 ALAN: Still not funny! 402 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,771 - I'm glad you're back. - Me, too. 403 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,943 And I really appreciate you getting me some help. 404 00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:47,634 It's the least I could do. 405 00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:50,610 I have to admit, Alan was right about hiring a topless maid. 406 00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:51,838 Oh. 407 00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:02,588 If it wasn't in the hamper, it's not going in the washer. Ripped By mstoll 408 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,756 (English US - SDH)