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Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
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You, uh, got a minute, boss?
2
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:09,071
Actually, I'm kind of busy.
3
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Pushing new code on an API
for this e-comm platform.
Ripped By mstoll
4
00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:15,013
"I am from the future.
I am a handsome robot."
5
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Look, I wouldn't bother you with this
if I didn't think it was important.
6
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,180
Okay, just make it quick.
7
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That's my specialty.
Ask any woman I've ever been with.
8
00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:27,226
I will call them both.
9
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,724
What do you got?
10
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Behold your new coffee mug.
11
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Ah!
12
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What?
13
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:39,064
You asked me to look
for new mugs for your office.
14
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:40,239
What do you think?
15
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,136
There's a hole in the top
and no hole in the bottom.
16
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:44,310
Nailed it.
17
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,570
Thanks.
So what do you want written on it?
18
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,145
Written on it?
19
00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:50,908
Your choices are:
Coffee, java or Joe.
20
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,948
I don't know, just Joe.
21
00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:54,120
Excellent choice.
22
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,050
Although, what if you
hire a guy named Joe?
23
00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:00,658
I think the temptation for these mugs
to walk out the door is a little too high.
24
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,555
Fine, just write "coffee" on it.
25
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:05,287
Great, coffee in the mug,
and coffee on the mug.
26
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:07,295
Love it.
27
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,024
But let me run this past you.
28
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"Java the Mug."
29
00:01:12,605 --> 00:01:14,732
You know, because of Star Wars?
30
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- Stop!
- Right, right. You're busy.
31
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- Oh, one last thing.
- Oh, good God!
32
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Alan, I hired you as my assistant
33
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,577
so I don't have to think
about things like this.
34
00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:26,809
Oh, yeah, I know.
But I wanna do a good job for you.
35
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,648
You're gonna look at this every day.
I don't want you to hate it.
36
00:01:29,856 --> 00:01:32,689
That does happen
with things I look at every day.
37
00:01:32,892 --> 00:01:35,292
Okay, so, one final question.
38
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:38,555
Do you want your mug
to be left-handed or right-handed?
39
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:42,701
You're kidding, right?
40
00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:44,870
No, some people hold them
in their left hand.
41
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,971
Some people hold them
in their right hand.
42
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:56,677
Ah!
43
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:01,114
Okay, changing your mug
from "World's Greatest Boss"
44
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:02,345
to "World's Smartest Boss".
45
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,216
Okay, I'm gonna go pee.
46
00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:05,686
As long as you're in the bathroom,
47
00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:08,918
I left three different types
of toilet tissue in there for you.
48
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,029
Let me know which one is best.
49
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,166
Oh, and the brown one is not ajoke.
50
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:16,964
(MIMICKING ALAN): "Hire me, Walden.
I can be your assistant."
51
00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:19,900
You know what your mug should say?
"World's worst employee."
52
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World's second-worst employee!
53
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♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
54
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,714
Hey, nap time's over.
55
00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,688
I'm not napping.
I threw my back out.
56
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,418
My God, are you okay?
What happened?
57
00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:46,565
It seized up, when I was climbing
into your bed to take a nap.
58
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,331
Everything's gonna be okay.
Just relax.
59
00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:51,834
Alan, get up here!
60
00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:53,232
Why are you calling Zippy?
61
00:02:53,439 --> 00:02:54,838
He's a chiropractor.
He can help.
62
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:58,909
Stop!
It hurts when I laugh.
63
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,909
Has this happened before?
64
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,674
Once, at a bike rally in Sturgis.
65
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:08,377
Me and a couple of Hell's Angels
decided to drop acid and get naked.
66
00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:09,714
Alan!
67
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,318
What's going on?
Is something wrong?
68
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,359
- Yeah, Berta threw her back out.
- Oh, no. What should we do?
69
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:19,293
- I called a chiropractor.
- Great.
70
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:23,563
Oh, me! Duh!
71
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:26,364
Well, let's see what we got here.
Where's the pain?
72
00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:29,303
Standing in front of me,
asking stupid questions.
73
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:31,343
Berta, be nice.
Alan's a doctor.
74
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:32,975
(LAUGHING)
75
00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:36,647
Yes, yes, ha-ha!
But I can help you.
76
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:40,046
Although I am legally obligated
to tell you my license has expired.
77
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,845
But thankfully,
backs haven't changed that much
78
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,546
since my unsuccessful board review.
79
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:45,985
So, you can't move at all?
80
00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:47,955
Every time I do,
it tightens up more.
81
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:51,597
Oh, sounds like a classic back spasm.
You probably need bed rest and ice.
82
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,130
But just in case, let me see
if you need a spinal adjustment.
83
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:55,962
Touch me, and you die.
84
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,596
She may also need
an attitude adjustment.
85
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,468
I'll call my doctor
and have him come take a look.
86
00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:05,143
Western medicine.
He'll probably prescribe painkillers.
87
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:06,505
Call him.
88
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:10,274
I will. In the meantime,
you stay here as long as you need.
89
00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:11,450
I'll take the guest room.
90
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:15,087
Why? My back's out,
but my front still works.
91
00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:18,257
Be like Sturgis all over again.
92
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,360
- Morning.
- Hey.
93
00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:28,466
- Hey, were you alone last night?
- Yeah, why?
94
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,297
Because from 11:15 to 11:22,
95
00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:36,635
all I heard was,
"Oh, yeah, that's the way Daddy likes it."
96
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,579
Oh.
Um...
97
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,848
Uh, right, the walls are really thin
98
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,882
between my bedroom
and the guest room.
99
00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:49,111
And I was watching TV.
100
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:50,683
Huh.
101
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,518
So the same show
came on again at 1:30,
102
00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:55,353
and then again at 4:15?
103
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:58,358
Ah. Weird.
104
00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,555
(SCOFFING)
105
00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:02,132
- Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hmm.
106
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,098
What is wrong with Daddy?
107
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,798
He's Ionely, okay?
Can you just let it go?
108
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,704
I should ask you the same question.
109
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,377
What're you doing?
110
00:05:15,581 --> 00:05:17,242
Well, since Berta is incapacitated,
111
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:20,248
I have taken the initiative
to design and build a chore wheel.
112
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:21,579
What is a chore wheel?
113
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,655
It's a wheel with a variety of chores
on the outside
114
00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:26,188
and names on the inside.
115
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:28,986
I got the idea from Charlie,
who had a whore wheel.
116
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:33,430
The only name on it is Walden.
117
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:37,160
That's because it was my chore
to make the chore wheel.
118
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:40,931
And your first chore is...
119
00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:42,630
"Cleaning Alan's room."
120
00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:46,267
Ooh. That's gonna be tough
after last night.
121
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,908
Maybe you should have Daddy do it.
122
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,280
Whoa! Somebody found my stash.
123
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:57,751
It wasn't hard.
124
00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:01,688
It was right here in this box
that says, "Not pot."
125
00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,418
Very clever.
126
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:05,494
I didn't want anybody to find my pot.
127
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:10,067
I was about to write, "This box
contains poisonous jumping bugs."
128
00:06:10,269 --> 00:06:13,136
But then, I thought, what if this
magic marker is actually magic,
129
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:16,433
and it turns my pot
into poisonous jumping bugs?
130
00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:19,810
I was really high.
131
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:22,173
You know,
I really don't think it's a good idea
132
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,282
to mix marijuana
with muscle relaxers.
133
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:25,951
Oh, those pills are long gone.
134
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:28,086
What?
You had a good two weeks' worth.
135
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,517
Or a great one night's worth.
136
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,748
Oh, bacon.
137
00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:35,052
You guys take such good care of me.
138
00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:36,751
That's because
you take good care of us.
139
00:06:36,963 --> 00:06:39,864
That's because I love you guys.
140
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,658
I love you more.
Shh.
141
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:43,461
How's your back feeling?
142
00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:47,435
Actually, a lot better.
I think I'm ready to go back to work.
143
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:48,834
Really?
So you can get up?
144
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:51,339
Absolutely.
145
00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:52,841
Am I up?
146
00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:56,105
- No.
- Damn.
147
00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:58,783
How about now?
148
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,452
Yep, looking good.
149
00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:02,678
Told you.
150
00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:05,722
Hey, bacon!
151
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:12,196
Why do these have windows?
152
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,127
I don't need to see inside.
153
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,929
I trust them to wash
and dry the clothes.
154
00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:23,006
You know when you think about it,
a lot of appliances have windows.
155
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:25,609
Ovens, microwaves.
156
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:30,814
Wait a minute, are we watching them
or are they watching us?
157
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,244
Got a little contact high in there
with Berta, did you?
158
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:35,954
Shh!
159
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,520
Not in front of the washer.
160
00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:43,160
Hey, how old do you think
Berta is, anyway?
161
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:46,160
I don't even know her last name.
162
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:50,199
You know, I was just thinking.
I mean, she hurt her back.
163
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,802
It's taking her a while to recover.
164
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,495
I mean, maybe this job's
just getting to be too much for her.
165
00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:56,641
- Really?
- Yeah, I don't know.
166
00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:00,210
She's not getting any younger.
It's a pretty labor-intensive job.
167
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:03,974
Why in the world
do you wear boys' husky underwear?
168
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:09,019
You know how some people trim
hedges to make the tree look bigger?
169
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:19,326
Well, I say,
stuff the tree in a smaller yard.
170
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:25,569
Well, when the police raid the house
and find a drawer of boys' underwear,
171
00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:27,398
that's not gonna be good
for any of us.
172
00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:29,234
Neither is a drawer full of pot!
173
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:32,468
That's why I wrote "Not pot"
on it!
174
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:36,207
So are you saying you
think it's time for Berta to retire?
175
00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:39,407
I don't know.
Everyone slows down eventually.
176
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:40,984
Maybe you're right.
177
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,452
Maybe it's time to put the old girl
out to pasture.
178
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:47,683
Send her off
to the housekeeper farm upstate.
179
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:50,294
That might not be the best way
to tell her.
180
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:53,090
What?
The farm is a beautiful place.
181
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:56,826
She can run out in the fields
with all the other housekeepers.
182
00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:01,973
There's sponges and fabric softener
as far as the eye can see.
183
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:05,371
And the only dishes left in the sink
are made of chocolate.
184
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:07,876
I may be a little stoned, too.
185
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,983
You ever hear
about the roommate farm?
186
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:18,923
Berta.
We got a little surprise for you.
187
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,490
Chuck Norris?
188
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,826
Fried chicken, cheesecake and beer.
189
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:29,297
That's what my first husband
requested for his last meal.
190
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:30,469
Am I dying?
191
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,298
Oh, don't be silly.
Do you like farms?
192
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:34,598
What?
193
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:38,504
I think what he's trying to say is,
194
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:42,943
have you ever thought about
hanging up the old toilet brush?
195
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,447
Raising that vest up to the rafters?
196
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,111
Oh, my God,
you're firing me.
197
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,688
No, I would never fire you.
I'm talking about retirement.
198
00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,860
Just kicking back, taking it easy,
getting high every day.
199
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:56,528
I do that now.
200
00:09:58,397 --> 00:10:00,422
Besides, I can't afford to retire.
201
00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:02,498
What about that pension plan
I set up for you?
202
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:04,863
I'll tell you what happened to it.
Life.
203
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,234
Your house needs a new roof,
your grandson needs braces,
204
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,875
your daughter's meth lab explodes.
205
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:13,637
What were you planning on doing?
Working for the rest of your life?
206
00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:17,680
I thought about getting a villa
in Tuscany.
207
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:20,010
Then, I said, nah,
I'll just hang around here,
208
00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:22,949
and clean the skid-marks
out of Zippy's underwear.
209
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:28,422
How about this?
210
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:32,724
What if you could make
the same money you're making now,
211
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,126
and never have to work again?
212
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:37,666
One last job. I like it.
Am I driving or shooting?
213
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:42,738
No. You retire and I'll pay you
for the rest of your life.
214
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,842
You're gonna pay me
for doing nothing?
215
00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:47,478
Yeah,
I call it "The Alan Harper plan."
216
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,173
Where's this coming from?
217
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,352
We're just worried about you.
218
00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:56,316
I mean, it's a tough job,
especially for a woman of your age.
219
00:10:56,522 --> 00:10:58,080
What?
220
00:10:58,290 --> 00:11:00,588
He said it's hard
for a woman your age...
221
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:02,818
I heard him!
222
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,758
I can do the job just fine.
223
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,865
Really?
Because you basically bent over,
224
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,194
and haven't been able
to get out of bed for two days.
225
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,531
So you just wanna treat me
like some pathetic charity case
226
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:14,763
you can throw money at.
227
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,204
No, no one's saying
you're a charity case.
228
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,900
Although I, on the other hand,
229
00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:21,909
would be happy
to be one of Walden's kids.
230
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,048
I'm just trying
to do something nice for you.
231
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,049
By giving me a hand-out?
232
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,620
Unlike you, I've worked
for every cent I ever made.
233
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:33,257
- Excuse me?
- You got rich from one idea.
234
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,552
You have no clue
what it's like to work for a living.
235
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,286
Okay, I am not gonna apologize
for being successful.
236
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:39,521
No, you are not, my friend.
237
00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,097
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
238
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,289
"Work for a living?"
239
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,867
You hurt your back
trying to take a nap!
240
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,972
You know what?
I don't have to take this crap.
241
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:49,300
Well, that makes two of us!
242
00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:50,873
It's settled then.
I quit.
243
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:53,841
Oh, no! Where am I gonna
find someone to eat my food,
244
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:57,243
smoke my pot and sleep in my bed?
245
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,418
- Uh...
- Shut up!
246
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:08,889
So what do you think?
Was I right or what?
247
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:11,563
Yes, Helen is great.
248
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:13,823
Although I still don't understand
why we couldn't at least interview
249
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,694
a topless maid.
250
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:17,334
Or four.
251
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,128
Would you forget
about the topless maids?
252
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:20,805
I will never forget
about the topless maids.
253
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:22,303
You saw the video.
254
00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,602
"The only thing dirty in your house
will be me."
255
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:29,941
- Supper time, boys.
- BOTH: Oh.
256
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:33,118
Helen, this lemonade is delicious.
257
00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:35,617
That's because
I have a secret ingredient.
258
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:36,845
Oh, really?
What is it?
259
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,045
Love.
260
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:39,917
BOTH: Aw!
261
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,987
And, like, a pound of sugar.
262
00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:47,257
- Hey, still miss Berta?
- Berta who?
263
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:50,299
Hey, maybe that's her last name?
"Who."
264
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,198
More like, "Who Cares?"
265
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,901
Oh, my God.
Look at this!
266
00:12:57,076 --> 00:12:59,101
And for dessert,
267
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:03,179
when your tummy starts to rumble,
there's Helen's apple crumble.
268
00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:06,212
Shut your mouth.
269
00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:08,181
I won't.
270
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,649
You shouldn't.
271
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,881
The only thing Berta ever made
with an apple was a bong.
272
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:16,220
Well, she sounds
like a hoot-and-a-half.
273
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,728
Well, enjoy, boys.
274
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,865
Oh, no, come join us.
275
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,298
Oh.
276
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:26,630
Well, thank you very much.
277
00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:27,668
Oh.
278
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,706
The only thing sweeter
than your manners
279
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:33,140
is my peach cobbler.
280
00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:35,836
Spoiler alert: Tomorrow night.
281
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:40,409
Well, I will be a gobbler
of your cobbler.
282
00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:44,055
I am gonna stitch that on a pillow.
283
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,993
Oh, do you mind if I say grace?
284
00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:51,562
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
285
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:54,995
Oh. Should I eat this unblessed biscuit
or spit it out?
286
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,169
HELEN: Dear Lord,
287
00:13:57,369 --> 00:14:00,099
we thank you for the food
that we are about to receive,
288
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:03,969
and all of the other blessings
that you have bestowed upon us.
289
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:06,668
- WALDEN: Hmm. That was...
- HELEN: And we humbly ask
290
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:11,680
that you help Alan and Walden
find the path to righteousness.
291
00:14:11,884 --> 00:14:12,942
What?
292
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:19,022
And lead them out of their sinful,
homosexual lifestyle.
293
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:24,162
Lest their souls burn
in the fiery pits of hell
294
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:28,299
for all eternity
with all of the other Sodomites.
295
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,464
Amen.
Can I get some sweet potatoes?
296
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:39,975
What? She already thinks
we're gobbling each other's cobblers.
297
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,811
When you're finished with that dish,
just leave it. I'll take care of it.
298
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,081
- Oh, thank you, Colleen.
- No problem.
299
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,156
I'm gonna go make the beds.
300
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,087
I don't wanna spoil the surprise,
301
00:14:57,296 --> 00:15:01,130
but I'm pretty sure she was carrying
a little bag of pillow chocolates.
302
00:15:01,333 --> 00:15:02,994
I have to admit,
she's pretty terrific.
303
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:05,466
Right? She's a good cook,
she's punctual.
304
00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:08,663
She's accepting of our lifestyle.
305
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:12,401
There is no lifestyle to accept!
306
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:13,669
But if things change,
307
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,676
it's nice to know
we won't lose a great housekeeper.
308
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,111
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
309
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,679
That's not me.
Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.
310
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:26,124
Colleen?
311
00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,324
For the love of God,
just turn it off.
312
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:35,095
- Oh, dear.
- What?
313
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,133
Look at this.
314
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,237
Whoa!
315
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:44,401
Okay, I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for this.
316
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,977
I mean, she's a single woman.
Probably trying to protect herself.
317
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,114
So what's this one for?
318
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,085
She has two guns?
319
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,275
Uh...
320
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,758
I count four.
321
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,893
And what looks like a shank.
322
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:04,221
Okay, you get to fire this one.
323
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:06,788
COLLEEN: Did I hear my phone?
(ALAN SCREAMING)
324
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,930
Alan has something
he'd like to tell you.
325
00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:17,806
I think I made a pillow chocolate
in my boy's huskies.
326
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:26,047
Well, our last housekeeper cleaned,
and sometimes cooked for us.
327
00:16:26,251 --> 00:16:28,276
Is that something
that you're comfortable with?
328
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,852
Sure, what would you like me to cook?
329
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:34,059
I don't know.
For breakfast, I like pancakes.
330
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:37,558
Of course.
Pancakes.
331
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:41,356
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry?
332
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,059
You see an African-American woman
and the first thing you think is,
333
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,171
"Aunt Jemima going whip us up
some flapjacks."
334
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:49,898
No, no.
335
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:54,102
I need to bring my own bandana
or you gonna supply me with one?
336
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:57,908
Oh, I'm sorry, we just...
We really like pancakes.
337
00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,108
- But I suppose waffles are fine.
- Yeah, waffles.
338
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:02,913
Chicken and waffles?
339
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:06,580
You know what?
Let's just forget breakfast.
340
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,453
I'll just have coffee.
341
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:09,854
How do you take it?
342
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,086
Bla...
343
00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:15,199
I prefer tea.
344
00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:19,698
So are you okay with doing laundry?
345
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:20,997
Yeah!
346
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,937
And I suppose you want me to separate
the whites from the colors.
347
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,148
Um, but you are aware you're applying
for ajob as a housekeeper?
348
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,410
Oh, so now,
I don't know why I'm here?
349
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:37,917
I'm not sure you do.
350
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,387
- What?
- Okay, okay, let's...
351
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,222
Everybody just calm down.
352
00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:44,987
Oh, so now, I've got to calm down
353
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,392
just because I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia?
354
00:17:49,034 --> 00:17:51,093
Can you believe these fools, Donny?
355
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:02,043
Okay, I think we have
all the information we need.
356
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:03,942
Um, we'll be in touch.
357
00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:05,946
Great!
358
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,579
Let me know
if you need any references.
359
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:13,952
Oh, you all have a lovely home.
360
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,493
Donny, come on now!
361
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:25,400
No, no. You know what?
I changed my mind.
362
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:26,366
I don't want to talk to Berta.
363
00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:27,561
Too bad!
364
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,240
You wouldn't let a topless maid
make your bed,
365
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:30,999
and now you've got to lie in it.
366
00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:32,576
(DOORBELL RINGING)
367
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,110
- Well, I am not going to apologize.
- You won't have to.
368
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,373
She said if you made an effort
and came to her,
369
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:40,381
she'd be more than happy
to apologize to you.
370
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,781
Zippy says you want to apologize.
371
00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:46,449
See what I did, there?
Can we come in?
372
00:18:46,658 --> 00:18:48,455
No, the place is a mess.
373
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,561
I was ajerk to my housekeeper,
so she quit.
374
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,628
Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.
375
00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,027
Come on, Walden, is it that difficult
to say you're sorry?
376
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:58,328
It is, when you have nothing
to say you're sorry for!
377
00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:01,028
Are you that clueless?
You hurt my feelings!
378
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,571
You hurt my feelings!
379
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:04,071
And you smoked all my pot,
380
00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:07,074
so I had no way of not feeling
what I was feeling!
381
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:10,039
Okay, okay.
Dialogue is good.
382
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:11,876
Let's see if we can find
some common ground.
383
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,984
- You're an idiot.
- Yeah, agree!
384
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:17,314
Look...
385
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:23,526
...I was trying to help you
because I care about you.
386
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,492
Not because I see you
as a charity case.
387
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:28,427
And I'm sorry
if you got the wrong impression.
388
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,966
I'm sorry I overreacted.
389
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,662
Besides, I was so high,
I thought you were a talking dragon.
390
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,279
It is really good stuff.
391
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:45,507
That's the stuff I give my grandkids
at Christmas.
392
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:50,346
It's funny because I get it
from a guy named Jesus.
393
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:54,581
What do you say?
Come back?
394
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:57,193
I don't know.
395
00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,230
You may be right.
396
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:02,059
I might not be able
to do everything I used to do.
397
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:06,465
- We'll work around it, right?
- Oh, absolutely. Whatever it takes.
398
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:10,569
- Deal?
- Deal.
399
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:13,643
Come on in,
I'll make you a cup of coffee.
400
00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:22,146
Not funny!
401
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:31,691
ALAN: Still not funny!
402
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,771
- I'm glad you're back.
- Me, too.
403
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,943
And I really appreciate
you getting me some help.
404
00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:47,634
It's the least I could do.
405
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:50,610
I have to admit, Alan was right
about hiring a topless maid.
406
00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:51,838
Oh.
407
00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:02,588
If it wasn't in the hamper,
it's not going in the washer.
Ripped By mstoll
408
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,756
(English US - SDH)