00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:05,595 Okay, here it is. 2 00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:07,434 This is Louis' first science fair project. 3 00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:08,507 You're gonna love it. 4 00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:11,371 Wow. Louis made this all by himself. 5 00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:12,809 Last time I was here, 6 00:00:12,912 --> 00:00:15,847 he got the straw from his juice box stuck in his nose. 7 00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:18,108 He also got it unstuck. 8 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:20,780 Check it out. 9 00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:23,355 So we'll take a piece of bread, all right? 10 00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:24,718 Put it in the mouth, 11 00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,553 where the saliva will start to dissolve the bread. 12 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,184 And then it'll travel down to the stomach, 13 00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:33,163 where the acids will break down the complex carbohydrates. 14 00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:35,530 At which point it will move past the appendix, 15 00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:37,830 which does nothing. 16 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,905 We should rename that the Alan. 17 00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:42,668 And then it'll go to the small intestines, 18 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,107 the large intestines, where finally... 19 00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:45,140 (FLATULENCE SOUND) 20 00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:50,509 Oh, dear God. 21 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,016 Uh, no, it's okay, it's a Hershey's Kiss. 22 00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:53,142 Okay. 23 00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,620 So the reason I came over is to tell you... 24 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,247 we are ready to start the final steps 25 00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:00,292 for you to officially adopt Louis. 26 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,487 Oh, my God, I'm gonna Hershey's Kiss my pants. 27 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,326 But before the adoption is final, 28 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,765 I want you to tell Louis you two aren't gay. 29 00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:11,132 Are you sure that this is the best time to do that? 30 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:12,431 I mean, I haven't even talked to him 31 00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:13,870 about the birds and the bees, 32 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:15,567 let alone the bees and the bees. 33 00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:17,905 I know there is never a perfect time 34 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,775 to tell your son his two dads aren't gay... 35 00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:24,973 but it'll be more harmful the longer you wait. 36 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,916 Yeah, but it's just, like, h... how do I tell him? 37 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,284 Does Hallmark make a "Sorry, son, 38 00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,220 it turns out I'm straight" card? 39 00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:32,985 You've been a fantastic father so far. 40 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,492 I am confident you will handle this 41 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,891 with the utmost attention and care. 42 00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:36,984 ALAN: Walden? 43 00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:38,997 Him I'm worried about. 44 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,088 Sorry I'm late. 45 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,258 I took Louis to the mall 46 00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,356 to get him some new school clothes. 47 00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:43,629 He's trying them on right now. 48 00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:47,194 Plus there was a new kiosk that will bedazzle anything. 49 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,298 Got an iPhone case for my boo. 50 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,302 Now, I'm gonna bedazzle your cheek with some sugar. 51 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:58,383 Alan, as your social worker, I cannot accept gifts. 52 00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,180 And as your "boo," hell no. 53 00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:03,847 I can't believe I'm just realizing this, 54 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,221 but the perfect person to date a social worker 55 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:07,816 is a needy child. 56 00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:10,191 We were just discussing that it would be 57 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,991 in the best interest of Louis to tell him 58 00:02:12,098 --> 00:02:13,622 you two aren't actually gay. 59 00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:15,701 Oh, I agree 100 percent. 60 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,997 I mean, it's not like anyone was buying either one of us 61 00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:19,628 as a gay man anyway. 62 00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:22,071 That top is fierce, girl. (MEOWS) 63 00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:26,477 Louis, could you come in here for a second? 64 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,069 Oh, oh! We're doing it right now? 65 00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,944 It will be such a relief to discontinue this charade. 66 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:37,100 Ripped By mstoll 67 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,688 What are you wearing? 68 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:42,192 Alan says between business casual and country club chic. 69 00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:44,390 Now turn around. 70 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,795 He's "bedazzle-ous." 71 00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:53,071 Okay, should we tell him now? 72 00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:55,174 I don't think he's gonna believe us. 73 00:03:07,453 --> 00:03:08,886 Hey, Berta. 74 00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:10,250 I talked to Louis. 75 00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:12,753 He said you guys told him you're not gay. 76 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,120 (DOORBELL RINGS) 77 00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,285 Yeah, we didn't want to lie to him anymore. 78 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,489 So now you're just lying to yourself. 79 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:26,867 Lyndsey? 80 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,601 - Hi, Alan. Can we talk? - Sure, come on in. 81 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:31,609 Can I give you a hand with your box? 82 00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:33,202 Boy, I haven't said that to you in a while. 83 00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,372 I'll say to you now what I said to you then. 84 00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:38,177 It's easier if I just do it myself. 85 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:40,443 I was cleaning out my house, 86 00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:42,120 and I found some of your old things. 87 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:44,155 Oh, look at this stuff. 88 00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,316 Here's a picture from our Caribbean vacation. 89 00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:48,621 Remember how I got stung by that jellyfish? 90 00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:51,423 Of course I do. You made me pee on you to neutralize the pain. 91 00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:55,196 Seems like you got stung a lot on that vacation. 92 00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,325 Did I? 93 00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,494 Wow! Look. 94 00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:00,799 My old boom box. 95 00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:04,138 And it still has that mix CD I made for us. 96 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,008 "Now That's What I Call Nasty, Volume 69." 97 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:10,040 ♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) 98 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,482 "Mambo No. 5." 99 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,316 How did I ever let you make love to me 100 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,017 while you sang other women's names? 101 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,856 Be fair, you used to scream other guys' names. 102 00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,889 Anyway, I didn't come by just to bring you your stuff. 103 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,027 I also wanted to tell you that I've decided to move away. 104 00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:32,468 Get a fresh start. 105 00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,904 What? (STAMMERS) Where's this coming from? 106 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,440 I've been thinking about it for a while, 107 00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:39,273 and there's nothing for me here. 108 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:40,971 I mean, most of my memories involve a time 109 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,843 when I was drinking really heavily, 110 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,177 and those aren't pretty. 111 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,184 I mean, the bar by my house has a drink 112 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,583 called "The Lyndsey Special." 113 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,450 It's a bottle of Merlot, a shot of vodka 114 00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,455 and a scrunchie to hold your hair back while you throw up. 115 00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,423 So where do you think you're gonna go? 116 00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:57,062 Well, I have family in Arizona, so... 117 00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,255 not there. 118 00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:01,425 You know, I just, I can't believe it. 119 00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,764 I mean, well, I hope you don't forget about me completely. 120 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,929 You're a hard person to forget, Alan Harper. 121 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,198 I've tried. 122 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,865 Hence, "The Lyndsey Special." 123 00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:12,107 Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. 124 00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:13,940 This is gonna be so strange. 125 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,480 I mean, even when we weren't together, 126 00:05:15,581 --> 00:05:17,105 it was nice knowing you were nearby. 127 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,717 Oh, I know what you mean. 128 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,683 Well, this is it. 129 00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:21,754 Good-bye, Alan. 130 00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,082 Good-bye, Lyndsey. 131 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,156 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 132 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,123 Are we really not gonna talk about the 20 bucks you owe me? 133 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:31,827 I am really gonna miss you. 134 00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,398 I'll miss you, too. 135 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,534 Let's go to your room. 136 00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:42,869 Okay, great. 137 00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:44,567 - Ow! (GROANS) - What's wrong? 138 00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,939 I just got stung by a jellyfish earlier, that's all. 139 00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:51,583 ♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 140 00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:55,419 - (MUSIC STOPS) - Yeah, still got it. 141 00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:58,457 Sex is very different when you're sober. 142 00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,920 Now I really know how long two minutes is. 143 00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:02,958 It was a special occasion. 144 00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:04,427 I wanted to give you a little something extra. 145 00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,155 Well, thank you. 146 00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,232 This puts a nice cap on our relationship. 147 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,101 Wait. 148 00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,671 I can't have this be the last time we make love. 149 00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:16,037 The last time I put on your panties. 150 00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:18,439 The last time you say, "No, not there," 151 00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,034 and I pretend I was just confused. 152 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,371 Look, I'm not saying I won't miss you, 153 00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:23,676 but the fact is you're married. 154 00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:25,112 You're about to adopt a child. 155 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:26,377 That's my point. 156 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,579 The adoption is almost final, and when it is, 157 00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,519 Walden and I will get a divorce. 158 00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,319 And I misspelled my name on the prenup. 159 00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,392 We'll live like kings. 160 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,298 Are you really asking me to stay? 161 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,027 Yes, I mean, we've shared so much over the years. 162 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,932 We can't just throw it away like a... 163 00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:45,901 a long-running hit television show 164 00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:47,768 that still pulls in a pretty decent audience. 165 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,077 I suppose it is something to think about. 166 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,079 I mean, for the first time in a long time, 167 00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:56,044 neither one of us is seeing anybody else. 168 00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,878 Hey, do you need a bedazzled iPhone case? 169 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,385 Wait, are you seeing someone? 170 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:04,081 Yeah, yeah, Alan Harper has two girlfriends. 171 00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,157 (LAUGHING) What else do I have? 172 00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:07,553 Good credit? Health insurance? 173 00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:08,682 A job? 174 00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,558 This is a lot to think about. 175 00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:13,724 I'm gonna need some time. 176 00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:15,494 Of course, take all the time you need. 177 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,296 Okay. 178 00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:18,802 Look, I really do need to go. 179 00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,304 And I really do need my panties back. 180 00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:21,462 Oh. 181 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,301 Hey, Walden. 182 00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:26,705 Lyndsey? 183 00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:29,008 Are you coming out of Alan's room? 184 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,309 - Uh-huh. - You drinking again? 185 00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:32,975 Do I need to take you to a meeting? 186 00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:34,450 No, still sober. 187 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,282 But I should apologize for sleeping with your husband. 188 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,582 Not the first time I've said that. 189 00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:40,750 See ya. 190 00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:42,589 - So, okay... - (DOOR CLOSES) 191 00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:43,787 Alan! 192 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:46,657 Yeah? 193 00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,801 Are you having sex with Lyndsey 194 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:51,096 while you're sleeping with our social worker? 195 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,172 Yeah, my pimp hand is strong. 196 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,408 No, it's not! 197 00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:58,909 Look, look, this thing with Lyndsey just happened. 198 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,273 A... And, honestly, l... I'm glad it did. 199 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,373 L... I really want her to give us another shot. 200 00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:04,848 What about Ms. McMartin?! 201 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,316 We're not that serious. 202 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,784 Plus, she doesn't get me like Lyndsey gets me. 203 00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:10,617 When I try to put Ms. McMartin's panties on, 204 00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,657 she looks at me like I'm some kind of weirdo. 205 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,953 Kind of like how I'm looking at you right now?! 206 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,360 Look, I'm gonna see Ms. McMartin tonight, 207 00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:18,555 and l... I'll tell her it's over. 208 00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,961 She's gonna be upset. Nobody likes getting dumped. 209 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,193 She'll be fine. 210 00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:23,995 I mean, you've seen how she looks at me. 211 00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:25,900 That's not love. That's not even like. 212 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,369 That's... if we run into anyone I know, 213 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,872 I'm pretending that you're my slow brother. 214 00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,408 Alan? 215 00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:34,443 I want you to get your penis out of my business. 216 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:37,572 Change "business" to "turkey," 217 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:38,843 and it's the story 218 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,509 of how a 13-year-old boy named Alan ruined Thanksgiving. 219 00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:47,882 What looks good? 220 00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,461 And don't say my boobs. 221 00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,496 Cute. Funny. 222 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:52,789 Boobs. 223 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,127 Um, can we talk? 224 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,294 What's wrong? Is it the restaurant? 225 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,629 It's not too pricy, is it? 226 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:00,228 It only had one dollar sign on Yelp. 227 00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:01,963 N... N... No, it's not that. 228 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,633 Although, $14 for tilapia? 229 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,575 Sounds to me like a beer-battered rip-off. 230 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,077 Then what's going on? 231 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,772 Here's the thing. 232 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:11,939 I really like you, it's just that... 233 00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,416 Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me? 234 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,953 Wow, Band-Aid off. 235 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,784 Seriously? You? 236 00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,154 Breaking up with me? 237 00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:20,316 That? 238 00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:21,858 Breaking up with this? 239 00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,189 Hey, hey, there's no need to point. 240 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,923 I mean we both could be in better shape. 241 00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:27,156 There is only one person at this table wearing Spanx, 242 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,392 and it is not me. 243 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,093 Could you keep it down? People are starting to look. 244 00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:31,226 Well, they're probably wondering 245 00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:32,964 why the old man and his nurse are arguing. 246 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,063 Hey, I am not that much older than you. 247 00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:36,266 I'm 47. 248 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,576 Great, you just lost me my senior discount. 249 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,274 I knew dating you was a bad idea. 250 00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:44,679 Yes, exactly. 251 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,741 Louis and Walden are the priority here. 252 00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:49,150 You and I should never have complicated the adoption 253 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,722 with our unbridled passion. 254 00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,051 We should have bridled. 255 00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,386 This was so stupid. 256 00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:54,686 I am so stupid. 257 00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,088 No, you're not stupid. 258 00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,924 You just let your unfettered desire get the best of you. 259 00:09:58,030 --> 00:09:59,122 You should have fettered. 260 00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,222 You know what? You're right. 261 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,391 Ending this is a good thing. 262 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,866 To be honest, I'm actually a little relieved. 263 00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:05,733 Of course you are, you just dodged a bullet... 264 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:08,466 a cheap, middle-aged, lactose-intolerant bullet. 265 00:10:11,877 --> 00:10:14,437 - (THUNDER RUMBLING) - (DOORBELL RINGS) 266 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,050 - (RINGING CONTINUES) - What is going on? 267 00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,484 I have no idea. 268 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,887 (RINGING CONTINUES) 269 00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,527 Surprise! 270 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:32,994 It's inspection time! 271 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,943 Look at these sharp corners on this table. 272 00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:46,703 No gate on the stairs. 273 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,541 I see a lot of problems here. 274 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,309 A lot of problems. 275 00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:52,008 A lot of problems. 276 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:56,080 Believe me, I see the same problem. 277 00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,723 And I would like to help you get rid of your problem, 278 00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:02,885 even if that means dumping the problem's body in the ocean. 279 00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:05,326 If you think it's hard getting me out of here alive, 280 00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,331 try getting rid of my ghost. 281 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:10,425 Okay, obviously this is not about the adoption. 282 00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:11,798 This is about us. 283 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:14,030 Now, why don't we just sit down and talk? 284 00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,332 Look at this. 285 00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:18,410 A weapon in the form of a toy? 286 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,773 Is it loaded? 287 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,574 Yes, it is! 288 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:22,738 You have to be careful. 289 00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,281 You might hurt someone you thought you cared about 290 00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:25,680 but were horribly deceived by. 291 00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:26,707 Okay, listen, 292 00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,878 I understand that you are very upset. 293 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,113 And I agree 294 00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:32,087 that we should take this out on Alan. 295 00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:34,793 Your railings on the deck are too low, 296 00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:36,828 there's no safety glass on the fireplace 297 00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,556 and you have alcohol 298 00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:40,925 within a child's reach. 299 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,364 We can, we can fix this. 300 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,167 See? All gone. 301 00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:47,464 (GROANS) What kind of wine is that? 302 00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:50,133 Oh, uh... It's instant. 303 00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:52,540 It comes in a packet. Just add water. 304 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,306 It's... it's like astronaut wine. 305 00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:57,211 And you're upset that this guy broke up with you? 306 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,841 The only thing I'm upset about 307 00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:01,442 is the litany of violations I found here tonight. 308 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,318 You have 48 hours to address these issues. 309 00:12:04,423 --> 00:12:05,481 Keep in mind: 310 00:12:05,624 --> 00:12:07,922 I can stop by anytime I see fit. 311 00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:11,562 - Anytime. - (THUNDER CRASHES) 312 00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:17,568 Okay, say what you will, 313 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:18,932 but that exit was cool. 314 00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,471 Okay, you think she's angry now? 315 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,073 What do you think is gonna happen 316 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:23,608 when she finds out about you and Lyndsey? 317 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,177 Don't worry, I'll apologize to Ms. McMartin, 318 00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,279 and then tomorrow, when I'm having lunch with Lyndsey, 319 00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:29,507 I'll tell her we have to lay low 320 00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:30,604 until the adoption goes through. 321 00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:33,048 No. I don't want you going anywhere near Ms. McMartin. 322 00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:35,017 - But I think I can help... - No! 323 00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:36,486 You've already done enough damage. 324 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,454 And I'm warning you, you stay away. 325 00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:39,546 I am a billionaire 326 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,523 and I can buy my way out of at least one murder. 327 00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:43,721 This is still America. 328 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,259 So, what looks good? 329 00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,302 And don't say my boobs. 330 00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,893 Why would I say "my boobs" 331 00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,404 when it's your boobs that I like? 332 00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,206 Have you thought about us? 333 00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:58,537 Yes. 334 00:12:58,644 --> 00:12:59,702 I want to give it a try. 335 00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:00,779 You do?! 336 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,006 - That is so great. - I know! 337 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,514 The rest of our life together starts right now. 338 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,675 Yes! 339 00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,546 Or in three weeks, when I can see you again. 340 00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:08,675 What? 341 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,813 Well, Walden is worried about the adoption. 342 00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:12,685 He doesn't want there to be any complications. 343 00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,224 So he thinks I'll screw it up? 344 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,885 No, he thinks I'll screw it up. 345 00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:17,690 Oh, sure. 346 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,457 So I just think it's better if we lay low 347 00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:20,725 until after the court date. 348 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,891 I understand. 349 00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:24,093 Is that why we drove an hour away from the ocean 350 00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:25,568 to go to a seafood restaurant? 351 00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:27,729 That and... 352 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,104 no corkage fee. 353 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:34,103 (SNIFFS) Oh, a Pinot. 354 00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:39,511 Oh... You don't mind if I drink, do you? 355 00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:42,610 I can honestly say I've never been less tempted. 356 00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:44,450 Good legs... 357 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,047 mmm, full body... 358 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,351 goes down easy. 359 00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:51,156 They should call this "The Lyndsey Special." 360 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,490 Cute. 361 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,098 You know, l... I certainly wouldn't want to do anything 362 00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:57,327 to jeopardize the adoption. 363 00:13:57,436 --> 00:13:59,529 And taking it slow is probably better for us, too. 364 00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:03,233 Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan equals "us." 365 00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:04,807 - Aw... - (CHUCKLES) 366 00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,272 - Hello, Alan. - (DISHES CLATTER) 367 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,013 Good God! 368 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,708 What... what are you doing here? 369 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:15,614 And... and how do you keep making these dramatic entrances? 370 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:17,845 Who is this? 371 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,653 Oh, uh... Th... this is... is Lyndsey. 372 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:23,319 Lyndsey, this is Ms. McMartin, 373 00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:24,691 our social worker. 374 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:28,289 Remember, I told you about her and the adoption? 375 00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,569 Lyndsey is my cousin, 376 00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:36,004 from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. 377 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,232 What? 378 00:14:37,343 --> 00:14:39,072 So you make out with your cousin? 379 00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,907 I said she was from Iowa. 380 00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:44,139 Is this why you broke up with me? 381 00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:45,375 For her? 382 00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:46,451 Hold on. 383 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,018 You're dating your social worker? 384 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,087 He was. 385 00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,415 Till he dumped me last night. 386 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,114 Was it just last night? 387 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,418 You said you were single. 388 00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,059 Did I say I was single? 389 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,559 Yeah. Right after we had sex. 390 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,026 Did we have sex? 391 00:14:58,430 --> 00:14:59,761 You had sex with her? 392 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,799 Did I have sex with her? 393 00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,598 - You jackass! - (GASPS) 394 00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:11,634 (SCOFFS) Chicks. 395 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:14,177 Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed, am I right? 396 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,944 Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait! 397 00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:22,746 I banged both of them. 398 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,015 Ain't no thang. 399 00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:31,226 - (DRILL WHIRRING) - Hey. 400 00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:33,422 Hey, did you... see Lyndsey? 401 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:34,827 Yes, I did. 402 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:37,026 And she was totally cool with taking it slow 403 00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,160 until the adoption is done. 404 00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:39,329 Good. And thank you. 405 00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,862 Yeah, you may not want to thank me just yet. Um... 406 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,605 Please tell me that that is your blood 407 00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:48,009 and not powdered wine. 408 00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,944 I... It's not my fault. 409 00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:51,983 - Ms. McMartin showed up. - What? 410 00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:53,551 She followed me. She's gone crazy. 411 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,678 No, she hasn't "gone crazy." 412 00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:59,050 You drove her crazy. 413 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:02,319 You make people crazy! 414 00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,555 That... that's a little unfair. 415 00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:06,028 I mean, I grant you that, you know, 416 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,031 maybe it was a mistake to sleep with her, 417 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,657 but when a woman has five cats, 418 00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:11,793 she doesn't have to be "made crazy." 419 00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:13,030 You know what? You're right. 420 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,571 This... this... this is my fault. 421 00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:15,901 I'm the one who made the mistake. 422 00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:17,269 - You are? - Yes. 423 00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:19,368 I mistakenly thought that you were 424 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,946 a capable, competent human being, 425 00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,141 able to handle a simple situation 426 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:28,118 without destroying the life of everyone around you. 427 00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,185 Boy, if I had a dollar 428 00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:32,348 for every time someone has said that to me. 429 00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,619 But seriously, seriously, I... I will fix this. 430 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,854 (LAUGHING) Oh, great. 431 00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:38,224 - You're gonna fix this. - Yeah. 432 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,854 I mean, why was I worried? 433 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,261 Have no fear! 434 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,867 Alan is here! 435 00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:46,900 Hey! Hey, everyone! 436 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,405 Don't worry! 437 00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,838 Alan's gonna fix it! 438 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,273 Sailors at sea, 439 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,711 throw away your life vests! 440 00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:57,682 You don't need them! 441 00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:01,344 'Cause Alan is gonna fix everything! 442 00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:18,195 Maybe I do make people crazy. 443 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:28,136 Walden? What are you doing here? 444 00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:31,375 I am on the "Alan Harper Apology Tour." 445 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,349 But this is gonna require 446 00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,511 a little bit of audience participation. 447 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,680 When I say "Alan," you say "idiot." 448 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,415 - Alan. - Idiot. 449 00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:41,118 - Alan. - Idiot. 450 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,454 This is fun. Come in. 451 00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:46,526 Wow, this is nice. 452 00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:49,260 And it doesn't smell like cat urine at all. 453 00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,097 So what do you want, Walden? 454 00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:52,932 I realize that Alan... 455 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:54,062 Idiot. 456 00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:59,242 Look, I... I realize that he can do some stupid things. 457 00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,676 And I'm... I'm sure you've seen his helicopter dance, 458 00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:03,748 where he uses his penis as the propeller. 459 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,210 Actually, I haven't. 460 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,845 Neither have I. 461 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,754 I realize how angry you must be with him. 462 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,224 But that has nothing to do 463 00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:15,725 with the kind of father I can be to Louis. 464 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,022 I know that. 465 00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,186 It's just that Alan... 466 00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,297 Idiot. 467 00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:20,763 Ha! 468 00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,197 He makes me crazy. 469 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,598 I... I just said that! 470 00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:25,363 In... in fact, I hit a lifeguard 471 00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:27,336 with a patio chair saying that. 472 00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,807 Look, Walden, at the end of the day, 473 00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:31,933 I'm not gonna let my anger prevent a child 474 00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,669 from being placed in a good home. 475 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:34,803 Thank God. 476 00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:37,347 I just... I've never realized 477 00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:39,541 how much another person can mean to me. 478 00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:41,346 That is so sweet. 479 00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,716 Why can't anybody 480 00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,450 ever think that about me? 481 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,687 I am such a loser! 482 00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:52,989 No, you're not a loser, Ms. McMartin. 483 00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,326 Yes, I am! 484 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,963 I thought I hit rock bottom 485 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,936 by dating an old guy who can't get a boner. 486 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:05,372 It turns out, rock bottom is getting dumped 487 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,707 by the old guy who can't get a boner. 488 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,442 What is wrong with me? 489 00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:12,777 Nothing. 490 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,385 Come on, you're smart and you're fun... 491 00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:16,954 And by the way, 492 00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,682 you are way too pretty for Alan. 493 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,793 So are you. 494 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:23,919 See? 495 00:19:24,029 --> 00:19:25,519 Now there's that smile. 496 00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:26,962 Come on, now, now... 497 00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:29,090 any guy would be lucky to be with you. 498 00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:30,600 You're just saying that. 499 00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:31,828 No, you're awesome. 500 00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:33,529 And what you do for a living, helping those kids, 501 00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,037 changing their lives, 502 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:36,835 putting your hand on my leg... 503 00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,772 Wow. (LAUGHING) 504 00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,779 I can't believe this. 505 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,010 You're not the only one. 506 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:48,416 I don't want you to worry. 507 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,817 I'm not going to let the fact 508 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,152 that we are in a relationship affect Louis. 509 00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,725 Learned that lesson, am I right? 510 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,356 Yeah. 511 00:19:58,363 --> 00:19:59,330 Relationship? 512 00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,131 Okay. 513 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,135 - I am going to go... - Where? 514 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:06,898 Where are you going? 515 00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:09,599 To the bathroom. 516 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,642 Oh. (CHUCKLES) Okay. 517 00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,075 Hurry back. 518 00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:16,344 I'll miss you. 519 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,377 I'll miss you, too. 520 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,749 Ooh. It's a little chilly out there. 521 00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:27,256 I'm gonna grab my pants. 522 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,293 And my car keys. 523 00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:37,058 ♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 524 00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,466 Alan? 525 00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:47,606 (ALAN'S VOICE INTERRUPTING SONG) ♪ Lyndsey 526 00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:50,507 ♪ Lyndsey 527 00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:52,746 ♪ Lyndsey 528 00:20:54,800 --> 00:21:02,800 Ripped By mstoll