00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,632 --> 00:00:02,381 Previously on Two and a Half Men... 2 00:00:02,381 --> 00:00:03,747 Yeah, I see hundreds of potential parents, 3 00:00:03,749 --> 00:00:05,115 but you two are different somehow. 4 00:00:05,117 --> 00:00:06,583 I know we can be good parents. 5 00:00:06,585 --> 00:00:08,452 It is my job to be a hundred percent sure 6 00:00:08,454 --> 00:00:09,520 before I place a child. 7 00:00:09,522 --> 00:00:11,622 We are not believable as a loving couple, 8 00:00:11,624 --> 00:00:14,424 and I think that's why Ms. McMartin wasn't sure about us. 9 00:00:14,426 --> 00:00:17,828 All right, yeah. 10 00:00:17,830 --> 00:00:20,297 We do that in front of Ms. McMartin, we'll get ten babies. 11 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,467 ♪ Men. ♪ 12 00:00:23,469 --> 00:00:26,170 Whew, that was fun. Whew. 13 00:00:26,172 --> 00:00:28,772 That was like a roller coaster. 14 00:00:28,774 --> 00:00:32,109 Yeah, we went up, we went down. 15 00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:34,545 There was the loop-de-loop. 16 00:00:34,547 --> 00:00:36,680 Yeah, they-they say you want to sit in the front, 17 00:00:36,682 --> 00:00:38,682 but I had a great time in the back. 18 00:00:38,684 --> 00:00:40,684 Yeah, you know, I'm not sure about that picture 19 00:00:40,686 --> 00:00:41,819 we took at the end. 20 00:00:41,821 --> 00:00:43,453 I think I was making a funny face. 21 00:00:43,455 --> 00:00:45,823 Yeah. 22 00:00:45,825 --> 00:00:48,659 Hey, have you ever gotten busy in a public place, 23 00:00:48,661 --> 00:00:50,661 like a theme park, before? 24 00:00:50,663 --> 00:00:53,297 I mean, uh, there was one time in the Chicago airport. 25 00:00:53,299 --> 00:00:56,366 I met this girl on a long layover. 26 00:00:56,368 --> 00:01:00,337 Let's just say my bag was never left unattended. 27 00:01:00,339 --> 00:01:02,706 What about you? 28 00:01:02,708 --> 00:01:06,743 Well, if you get me a hot cup of coffee, 29 00:01:06,745 --> 00:01:10,547 I'll, uh, tell you about my high school trip to Mount Rushmore. 30 00:01:10,549 --> 00:01:13,584 Okay, please tell me it doesn't involve four old guys 31 00:01:13,586 --> 00:01:15,485 on top of a mountain. 32 00:01:15,487 --> 00:01:18,755 I went to an all-girls school. 33 00:01:18,757 --> 00:01:20,891 Coffee, coming up! 34 00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:25,495 Oh, hey. Hey. 35 00:01:25,497 --> 00:01:27,097 Okay, I don't know what was going on 36 00:01:27,099 --> 00:01:28,498 up there with Laurel, but... 37 00:01:32,538 --> 00:01:35,572 Rich, handsome and a master of the boudoir. 38 00:01:35,574 --> 00:01:38,075 You're everything I think I am when I'm drunk. 39 00:01:38,077 --> 00:01:39,409 What can I say? 40 00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:42,246 I got a magical tongue, and I can breathe through my ears. 41 00:01:43,682 --> 00:01:46,683 Were you just sitting down here, listening to Laurel and me? 42 00:01:46,685 --> 00:01:49,386 No, that would be sad. 43 00:01:49,388 --> 00:01:51,121 I was also couponing. 44 00:01:55,294 --> 00:01:56,627 Hey. 45 00:01:56,629 --> 00:01:58,228 How's my favorite couple? 46 00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,231 My bros without hos. 47 00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:03,267 Ms. McMartin, uh... 48 00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:04,601 What are you doing here? 49 00:02:04,603 --> 00:02:07,004 Well, I told you guys the state requires 50 00:02:07,006 --> 00:02:10,674 a couple surprise inspections to check in on Louis's home life. 51 00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:11,909 Surprise! 52 00:02:12,978 --> 00:02:14,711 I am definitely surprised. 53 00:02:14,713 --> 00:02:16,446 Clearly... Captain Underpants. 54 00:02:16,448 --> 00:02:17,614 Oh. 55 00:02:17,616 --> 00:02:19,449 Right, yeah, well, I wasn't expect... 56 00:02:19,451 --> 00:02:22,719 You know, Louis isn't here; he's actually, he's at a sleepover. 57 00:02:22,721 --> 00:02:25,756 So, I guess you came all this way to see me in my Skivvies. 58 00:02:27,092 --> 00:02:29,293 Worth the trip in my book. 59 00:02:32,131 --> 00:02:33,430 Instagram. 60 00:02:33,432 --> 00:02:35,933 Hashtag: he's bringing booty back. 61 00:02:35,935 --> 00:02:37,601 Thanks, honey. 62 00:02:37,603 --> 00:02:39,836 Uh, well, it was, uh, it was good to see you. 63 00:02:39,838 --> 00:02:42,005 Oh, actually, I can just talk to you guys. 64 00:02:42,007 --> 00:02:43,907 Great, even better. 65 00:02:43,909 --> 00:02:45,108 Come on in. 66 00:02:45,110 --> 00:02:46,476 Uh, you know, I'm gonna run upstairs 67 00:02:46,478 --> 00:02:47,511 and put on some pants. 68 00:02:47,513 --> 00:02:48,946 Walden? 69 00:02:51,216 --> 00:02:52,149 Who was that? 70 00:02:52,151 --> 00:02:54,418 Oh, that was my pants. 71 00:02:55,487 --> 00:02:56,954 Here I come, pants! 72 00:02:56,956 --> 00:02:58,121 Stay there! 73 00:02:58,123 --> 00:02:59,323 What are you talking about? 74 00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,091 Oh, hi. Sorry. 75 00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:02,526 What's going on? 76 00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:03,994 Uh... 77 00:03:03,996 --> 00:03:07,097 You're cheating on me?! 78 00:03:08,233 --> 00:03:10,267 I want half! 79 00:03:11,937 --> 00:03:14,438 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 80 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:15,194 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 81 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,195 ♪ Two and a Half Men 12x10 ♪ Here I Come, Pants! Original Air Date on January 82 00:03:19,196 --> 00:03:24,196 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 83 00:03:24,207 --> 00:03:26,308 ♪ Men. ♪ 84 00:03:26,310 --> 00:03:27,642 You lied to me. 85 00:03:27,644 --> 00:03:30,011 I never would have placed Louis here had I known 86 00:03:30,013 --> 00:03:31,546 you guys weren't actually a couple. 87 00:03:31,548 --> 00:03:33,882 I can explain. Oh, go ahead, I'd love to hear it. 88 00:03:33,884 --> 00:03:35,550 She's my sister. 89 00:03:36,753 --> 00:03:39,487 Where was that five minutes ago? 90 00:03:39,489 --> 00:03:42,157 There's no explanation for what you did. 91 00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:43,758 I may have to remove Louis. 92 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,093 Okay, I-I know this looks bad, 93 00:03:45,095 --> 00:03:46,761 but our hearts were in the right place. 94 00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:48,730 Yeah, even if our penises weren't. 95 00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,766 Th-The only thing that we're guilty of 96 00:03:51,768 --> 00:03:52,934 is putting on a little show. 97 00:03:52,936 --> 00:03:54,436 A little show? 98 00:03:54,438 --> 00:03:56,671 Every time I see this one, he acts like he's auditioning 99 00:03:56,673 --> 00:03:57,706 to host the Tonys. 100 00:03:57,708 --> 00:04:00,241 N-No, that's just Alan. 101 00:04:01,778 --> 00:04:02,677 Yeah, i-it's true. 102 00:04:02,679 --> 00:04:04,012 Uh, name any musical, anybody. 103 00:04:04,014 --> 00:04:05,280 Okay, uh, West Side Story. 104 00:04:05,282 --> 00:04:06,982 ♪ I like to be in America ♪ 105 00:04:06,984 --> 00:04:08,450 ♪ Okay by me in America ♪ 106 00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:09,851 ♪ Everything free in America... ♪ 107 00:04:09,853 --> 00:04:11,720 Okay, stop. 108 00:04:13,857 --> 00:04:16,458 Well, excuse me, Officer Krupke. 109 00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:18,226 Listen, we may not be gay, 110 00:04:18,228 --> 00:04:19,928 but we are definitely a stable couple. 111 00:04:19,930 --> 00:04:21,896 Yeah, until the adoption is final, 112 00:04:21,898 --> 00:04:23,298 and then you'll, what, get divorced? 113 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,332 Are you kidding me? 114 00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:25,633 If this one has his way, 115 00:04:25,635 --> 00:04:27,669 he's gonna be with me for the rest of my life. 116 00:04:27,671 --> 00:04:28,903 Longer. 117 00:04:28,905 --> 00:04:30,905 I bought us side-by-side cemetery plots. 118 00:04:30,907 --> 00:04:32,140 No, he's not kidding. 119 00:04:32,142 --> 00:04:34,142 And he gave it to me for my birthday, 120 00:04:34,144 --> 00:04:35,510 and I pretended to like it, 121 00:04:35,512 --> 00:04:37,545 because that's what loving couples do. 122 00:04:38,715 --> 00:04:40,115 You pretended to like it? 123 00:04:40,117 --> 00:04:41,549 See that? See, that's real. 124 00:04:41,551 --> 00:04:44,219 And I'm gonna hear about it for the rest of the night. 125 00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:46,788 Y-You want to take Louis away from us 126 00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:47,990 just because we don't have sex? 127 00:04:47,991 --> 00:04:49,290 I mean, I can honestly tell you 128 00:04:49,292 --> 00:04:50,992 that we have as much sex as I had 129 00:04:50,994 --> 00:04:52,227 in either of my previous marriages. 130 00:04:52,229 --> 00:04:53,762 None of that matters. 131 00:04:53,764 --> 00:04:55,630 N-No, of course it matters. 132 00:04:55,632 --> 00:04:57,265 Because we're not lying. 133 00:04:57,267 --> 00:04:59,934 We are best friends, and we are married. 134 00:04:59,936 --> 00:05:01,603 And we do love each other. 135 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,039 And I'm sorry, but just, you know, how many people can say 136 00:05:04,041 --> 00:05:06,374 that they are married to their best friend? 137 00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:10,278 Alan Harper-Schmidt can. 138 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,748 My job is to do what's in the best interest of the child. 139 00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:15,550 Now I have to reevaluate what that is. 140 00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:16,785 But him living here... 141 00:05:16,787 --> 00:05:18,319 No, I don't want to hear anything else from you guys. 142 00:05:18,321 --> 00:05:19,554 I'll be in touch. 143 00:05:21,792 --> 00:05:23,725 I can't lose this kid. 144 00:05:23,727 --> 00:05:26,161 D-Don't go there. Nothing's been decided yet. 145 00:05:26,163 --> 00:05:27,862 Well, other than the fact 146 00:05:27,864 --> 00:05:30,765 that you don't want to be buried next to me. 147 00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:33,068 This is a disaster. 148 00:05:33,070 --> 00:05:34,969 We're gonna lose everything that we worked for 149 00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:36,971 over one stupid mistake. 150 00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:39,140 It's my chiropractic license all over again. 151 00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:43,478 Your hand slips into one butt crack. 152 00:05:45,182 --> 00:05:47,282 ♪ Men. ♪ 153 00:05:47,284 --> 00:05:49,217 What you drawing? 154 00:05:49,219 --> 00:05:50,718 It's us. We're the Justice League. 155 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,053 You're Batman. 156 00:05:52,055 --> 00:05:53,188 I'm Batman? 157 00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:54,255 I mean... 158 00:05:54,257 --> 00:05:55,790 I'm Batman. 159 00:05:56,993 --> 00:05:58,059 Is that Superman? 160 00:05:58,061 --> 00:05:59,061 That's me. 161 00:05:59,062 --> 00:06:00,328 Oh, and, uh, there's Wonder Woman. 162 00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:01,330 Is that Berta? 163 00:06:01,331 --> 00:06:02,530 That's you. 164 00:06:04,134 --> 00:06:06,701 Oh, well, that's, uh, a little inaccurate, don't you think? 165 00:06:06,703 --> 00:06:09,170 I mean, uh, I wish I had those shoulders. 166 00:06:10,006 --> 00:06:11,673 And, uh, and who's that? 167 00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:13,708 That's Timothy; he's Aquaman. 168 00:06:13,710 --> 00:06:15,143 Why can't I be Aquaman? 169 00:06:15,145 --> 00:06:18,146 Because Aquaman can keep himself afloat. 170 00:06:19,416 --> 00:06:21,082 I drew it 'cause we're a team now. 171 00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:22,784 That's right. 172 00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:24,786 We're a team that's never gonna break up. 173 00:06:24,788 --> 00:06:28,356 Stay strong, Wonder Woman. 174 00:06:28,358 --> 00:06:29,891 Can we go to the park? 175 00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:31,659 I don't see why not. 176 00:06:31,661 --> 00:06:33,695 Yes, we have to live in the moment. 177 00:06:34,731 --> 00:06:37,332 "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." 178 00:06:38,201 --> 00:06:40,969 And you ask why you're Wonder Woman. 179 00:06:40,971 --> 00:06:43,471 Hey, why don't you go and get your shoes on, 180 00:06:43,473 --> 00:06:44,839 and we'll get going, okay? 181 00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:46,207 Cool! 182 00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:47,909 You're the best dad ever. 183 00:06:47,911 --> 00:06:49,811 Oh, my God. 184 00:06:49,813 --> 00:06:50,979 Did you hear that? 185 00:06:50,981 --> 00:06:52,180 He used the "D" word. 186 00:06:52,182 --> 00:06:54,182 I more than heard it, I felt it. 187 00:06:54,184 --> 00:06:55,850 But I am not gonna cry. 188 00:06:55,852 --> 00:06:56,918 That's right. 189 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,254 We got to stay strong in front of the kid. 190 00:06:59,256 --> 00:07:02,323 We can't let him know something's going on. 191 00:07:02,325 --> 00:07:05,093 'Cause that's what a... a good dad does. 192 00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:07,262 I'm gonna go get my jacket. 193 00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:10,498 I feel so bad for him. 194 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,267 Well, what are you gonna do about it? 195 00:07:12,269 --> 00:07:14,135 There's nothing I can do. 196 00:07:14,137 --> 00:07:16,838 Just gonna throw in the towel before the first round? 197 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,006 What? 198 00:07:18,008 --> 00:07:20,642 Let me put it in terms you'll understand. 199 00:07:20,644 --> 00:07:23,912 You're crapping your tutu before the ballet starts. 200 00:07:25,182 --> 00:07:27,115 After all that Walden's done for you, 201 00:07:27,117 --> 00:07:30,518 you have to help him keep ahold of Louis. 202 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,453 How? I don't know. 203 00:07:32,455 --> 00:07:35,857 But if there is anybody in the world that can figure out 204 00:07:35,859 --> 00:07:39,360 how to keep somebody in this house, it's you. 205 00:07:40,096 --> 00:07:42,397 ♪ Men. ♪ 206 00:07:50,807 --> 00:07:52,941 Um, is this seat taken? 207 00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:54,876 Uh, actually, no, it's... 208 00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,579 What are you doing here? 209 00:07:57,581 --> 00:07:58,880 Did you follow me? 210 00:07:58,882 --> 00:08:00,014 No. 211 00:08:00,016 --> 00:08:02,183 But I knew you were here because of the picture 212 00:08:02,185 --> 00:08:03,551 you posted of your bruschetta. 213 00:08:03,553 --> 00:08:05,453 This is completely inappropriate. 214 00:08:05,455 --> 00:08:08,156 And only jackasses say "brew-sketta." 215 00:08:08,158 --> 00:08:11,659 Just-just hear me out, I need to talk to you about Louis. 216 00:08:11,661 --> 00:08:13,194 The time to talk to me about Louis was 217 00:08:13,196 --> 00:08:14,562 before you lied to me to get him. 218 00:08:14,564 --> 00:08:16,130 I only need five minutes. 219 00:08:16,132 --> 00:08:17,232 I-I'll even pay for your dinner. 220 00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:18,600 I mean, if you really knew me, 221 00:08:18,602 --> 00:08:20,501 you'd know what a big deal that is. 222 00:08:20,503 --> 00:08:21,970 Fine, five minutes. 223 00:08:21,972 --> 00:08:23,238 Thank you. 224 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,973 Oh, and if you want anything else, order fast-- 225 00:08:24,975 --> 00:08:26,841 the happy hour prices are about to go away. 226 00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:28,977 What do you have to say? 227 00:08:28,979 --> 00:08:30,878 Look... 228 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,014 Walden is really a great guy. 229 00:08:33,016 --> 00:08:34,649 All he wanted was to be a dad, 230 00:08:34,651 --> 00:08:36,651 and he tried everything he could think of. 231 00:08:36,653 --> 00:08:39,354 I mean, he only married me because I was his last resort. 232 00:08:39,356 --> 00:08:41,022 I'm like peeing in a Gatorade bottle 233 00:08:41,024 --> 00:08:42,757 when you're stuck in traffic. 234 00:08:42,759 --> 00:08:46,628 Nobody wants to do it, but sometimes it's your only option. 235 00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:49,297 You know what a last resort looks like? 236 00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:52,300 Like a 33-year-old woman who devoted herself to her career 237 00:08:52,302 --> 00:08:54,002 because she had nothing else and then realized 238 00:08:54,004 --> 00:08:56,137 she's not even good at that because she screwed up 239 00:08:56,139 --> 00:08:59,073 and gave a kid to two guys pretending to be a gay couple. 240 00:08:59,075 --> 00:09:01,542 I was just named employee of the month. 241 00:09:01,544 --> 00:09:03,945 Now I can't even use my $25 Target gift card 242 00:09:03,947 --> 00:09:05,280 without feeling guilty. 243 00:09:06,683 --> 00:09:09,317 You are a good employee and a good person. 244 00:09:09,319 --> 00:09:12,353 And, if it'll help, I'll, uh, I'll buy the gift card off you. 245 00:09:12,355 --> 00:09:13,254 Uh, what's fair? 246 00:09:13,256 --> 00:09:15,089 Ten? 15? Ten? 247 00:09:15,091 --> 00:09:18,126 You know, the worst part of this is 248 00:09:18,128 --> 00:09:20,094 I actually liked you guys. 249 00:09:20,096 --> 00:09:22,130 I put your Christmas card on my fridge. 250 00:09:22,132 --> 00:09:23,765 Now I don't even know who you are. 251 00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,400 Who are those people on my fridge?! 252 00:09:25,402 --> 00:09:27,502 We're the same two people that you trusted Louis with 253 00:09:27,504 --> 00:09:28,770 in the first place. 254 00:09:28,772 --> 00:09:30,104 This whole thing is a nightmare. 255 00:09:30,106 --> 00:09:31,973 Do you realize I could lose my job? 256 00:09:31,975 --> 00:09:34,542 I have five cats to support. 257 00:09:34,544 --> 00:09:36,210 I know, and I-I feel terrible 258 00:09:36,212 --> 00:09:37,912 that we put you in this position. 259 00:09:37,914 --> 00:09:40,715 Our only intent was to give a child in need a good home. 260 00:09:40,717 --> 00:09:44,352 Well, I suppose I can't fault you for that. 261 00:09:46,189 --> 00:09:47,855 Great. 262 00:09:47,857 --> 00:09:49,157 So... 263 00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:50,858 we're done here, we get to keep Louis, 264 00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:53,227 and I'll give you eight bucks for the gift card. 265 00:09:53,229 --> 00:09:55,196 I wish it was that simple. 266 00:09:55,198 --> 00:09:58,399 I just don't know what the right thing to do is. 267 00:09:58,401 --> 00:10:01,202 Okay, well, y-you don't have to decide right now. 268 00:10:01,204 --> 00:10:03,304 Let's, uh, let's talk about it. 269 00:10:03,306 --> 00:10:07,041 Um, uh, can I get an appletini, uh, sugar rim, extra zest? 270 00:10:07,043 --> 00:10:09,911 You don't have to pretend to be gay anymore. 271 00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:12,814 Oh-oh, yeah, uh, right, uh, uh... 272 00:10:12,816 --> 00:10:14,115 Uh, make it a mojito. 273 00:10:14,117 --> 00:10:16,584 Skinny. 274 00:10:16,586 --> 00:10:18,920 So, uh, what do you say, Ms. McMartin? 275 00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,755 Uh, another Chardonnay? 276 00:10:20,757 --> 00:10:22,757 Eh, what the hell? 277 00:10:22,759 --> 00:10:24,759 It's not like this week could get any worse. 278 00:10:24,761 --> 00:10:27,362 I can't believe I'm doing this. 279 00:10:27,364 --> 00:10:29,063 I can't believe you're doing this either. 280 00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:30,031 Oh, oh, Alan. 281 00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:31,933 Oh, Ms. McMartin. 282 00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,701 ♪ Men. ♪ 283 00:10:40,095 --> 00:10:43,263 ♪ Men. ♪ 284 00:10:43,265 --> 00:10:45,432 This is a disaster. 285 00:10:47,135 --> 00:10:48,835 I'm sorry. 286 00:10:48,837 --> 00:10:49,936 Come on, man. 287 00:10:49,938 --> 00:10:52,205 You like her. Rise and shine. 288 00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:54,240 What is wrong with me? 289 00:10:54,242 --> 00:10:55,642 Oh, no, no, it's not you. 290 00:10:55,644 --> 00:10:58,445 Uh, although, if I, uh, if I did have one note, uh, 291 00:10:58,447 --> 00:11:00,680 the beige granny panties didn't exactly move the needle. 292 00:11:00,682 --> 00:11:04,851 They're nude-colored, and they are my work panties. 293 00:11:04,853 --> 00:11:06,987 Although your use of the word "needle" 294 00:11:06,989 --> 00:11:09,623 is anatomically accurate. 295 00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,625 I am a grower, not a shower. 296 00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:15,528 Why do I always make such a mess of things? 297 00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,063 I'm sorry. 298 00:11:17,065 --> 00:11:19,699 Don't be. 299 00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,201 The crying's actually helping. 300 00:11:22,037 --> 00:11:23,236 What? 301 00:11:23,238 --> 00:11:25,572 Um, your weeping reminds me 302 00:11:25,574 --> 00:11:27,374 of having sex with my first wife. 303 00:11:27,376 --> 00:11:30,210 How did I get here? 304 00:11:30,212 --> 00:11:31,978 I went to Stanford. 305 00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,948 I turned down a job on Wall Street to help save the world, 306 00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:37,183 and now I'm in bed with an old guy 307 00:11:37,185 --> 00:11:39,052 who can't get a boner! 308 00:11:40,389 --> 00:11:43,023 Um, actually, that is no longer the case. 309 00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:44,958 Seatbacks and tray tables 310 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,694 are in their full upright position. 311 00:11:47,696 --> 00:11:50,597 Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff. 312 00:11:50,599 --> 00:11:51,965 Get out. 313 00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:54,734 Oh. Oh, okay. 314 00:11:54,736 --> 00:11:56,670 Um... 315 00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,071 I, uh... 316 00:11:58,073 --> 00:12:01,041 I, uh, hope this won't affect your decision about Louis. 317 00:12:01,043 --> 00:12:04,244 I would hate it if you held my flaccid penis 318 00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:06,446 against Walden. 319 00:12:09,117 --> 00:12:11,418 ♪ Men. ♪ 320 00:12:12,854 --> 00:12:14,587 Oh, hey. 321 00:12:14,589 --> 00:12:15,955 Um, you're... you're still up. 322 00:12:15,957 --> 00:12:18,425 It's 8:15. 323 00:12:18,427 --> 00:12:20,927 Oh, to be young again. 324 00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:22,395 So, uh, what have you been doing? 325 00:12:22,397 --> 00:12:24,931 Oh, I-I was, uh, making a video montage 326 00:12:24,933 --> 00:12:27,133 of the time we spent with Louis. You want to see it? 327 00:12:27,135 --> 00:12:29,269 Yeah. Yeah, great. 328 00:12:29,271 --> 00:12:33,707 ♪ Ooh, child, things are gonna get eas... ♪ 329 00:12:37,446 --> 00:12:38,578 That's it? 330 00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:40,847 Yeah, we really should have taken more pictures. 331 00:12:42,951 --> 00:12:44,184 Where have you been? 332 00:12:44,186 --> 00:12:46,019 Oh, I, uh... I, uh... 333 00:12:46,021 --> 00:12:48,621 I went to, uh, see Ms. McMartin. 334 00:12:48,623 --> 00:12:51,024 Are you kidding me? 335 00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:54,861 She told us to leave her alone. 336 00:12:54,863 --> 00:12:58,198 Alan, when people say that to you, they mean it. 337 00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:01,768 Remember how you're not allowed to go to Subway anymore 338 00:13:01,770 --> 00:13:04,871 and suggestively ask for "double meat"? 339 00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:07,607 I-I was just trying to help us keep Louis. 340 00:13:07,609 --> 00:13:10,110 Okay, tell me exactly what you did 341 00:13:10,112 --> 00:13:11,578 so I can start to undo it. 342 00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:14,080 O-Okay. Um, I followed her to a bar... 343 00:13:14,082 --> 00:13:15,715 Oh, God! 344 00:13:15,717 --> 00:13:18,051 This is like the time that we saw Kelly Ripa 345 00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:20,053 outside the grocery store! 346 00:13:20,055 --> 00:13:21,121 No. No, no, no. 347 00:13:21,123 --> 00:13:23,022 So we-we had a few drinks, 348 00:13:23,024 --> 00:13:25,925 uh, and the funny part is, um, we ended up in bed. 349 00:13:25,927 --> 00:13:29,796 You had sex with Ms. McMartin?! 350 00:13:29,798 --> 00:13:31,231 No! 351 00:13:31,233 --> 00:13:32,732 No, I did not. 352 00:13:33,835 --> 00:13:37,036 I was unable to maintain an erection. 353 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,541 This has gone from bad to worse. I might start crying. 354 00:13:41,543 --> 00:13:43,510 I wouldn't. 355 00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:47,881 ♪ Men. ♪ 356 00:13:47,883 --> 00:13:49,382 How you doing? 357 00:13:49,384 --> 00:13:51,184 I've been better. 358 00:13:51,186 --> 00:13:52,819 Well, you want to forget the pain 359 00:13:52,821 --> 00:13:54,521 or you want to forget your name? 360 00:13:54,523 --> 00:13:56,890 Got anything to help me forget Alan? 361 00:13:56,892 --> 00:14:00,660 If I did, I'd be asking you, "Who's Alan?" 362 00:14:02,564 --> 00:14:06,266 Listen, don't let yourself get too down. 363 00:14:06,268 --> 00:14:08,368 It's like I tell my daughters, 364 00:14:08,370 --> 00:14:10,637 no use crying until the verdict's read. 365 00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:13,306 I tried to sway Ms. McMartin. 366 00:14:13,308 --> 00:14:15,074 She won't even take my calls. 367 00:14:15,076 --> 00:14:16,810 Well, someone ought to tell her 368 00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:19,746 that you are the best thing that ever happened for that kid. 369 00:14:19,748 --> 00:14:22,415 I'm just worried about 370 00:14:22,417 --> 00:14:25,418 what will happen to him if she doesn't let me keep him. 371 00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:28,121 Being a foster kid makes you tough. 372 00:14:29,191 --> 00:14:30,590 Before he goes, I'll teach him 373 00:14:30,592 --> 00:14:33,126 how to make a shiv out of a Krazy Straw. 374 00:14:34,062 --> 00:14:35,295 Thanks. 375 00:14:35,297 --> 00:14:36,462 I needed a laugh. 376 00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:38,998 Yeah, 'cause I'm kidding. 377 00:14:41,336 --> 00:14:43,036 I don't want him to leave either. 378 00:14:43,038 --> 00:14:44,604 He's a good kid, isn't he? 379 00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:45,872 Yeah. 380 00:14:45,874 --> 00:14:48,174 If I lose him, all I'm gonna have 381 00:14:48,176 --> 00:14:50,009 is a five-second photo montage 382 00:14:50,011 --> 00:14:53,413 and a picture of Alan as Wonder Woman. 383 00:14:53,415 --> 00:14:55,949 Look, we're all in this together. 384 00:14:55,951 --> 00:14:58,785 Anything I can do for you, you let me know. 385 00:14:58,787 --> 00:15:00,887 Thanks. I appreciate it. 386 00:15:02,157 --> 00:15:05,024 You know, if you happen to know a guy who specializes 387 00:15:05,026 --> 00:15:07,594 in making a father and son disappear, 388 00:15:07,596 --> 00:15:09,629 you just might want to keep that number handy. 389 00:15:09,631 --> 00:15:11,865 I do know a guy 390 00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,300 that could sneak 80 pounds into the country. 391 00:15:14,302 --> 00:15:17,737 I don't see why he couldn't sneak 80 pounds out. 392 00:15:19,174 --> 00:15:21,808 ♪ Men. ♪ 393 00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:23,877 Ms. McMartin is 15 minutes late. 394 00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:26,212 You know, we might be a fraudulently gay couple, 395 00:15:26,214 --> 00:15:27,680 but at least we're punctual. 396 00:15:29,451 --> 00:15:31,384 We're not the only ones who lied. 397 00:15:31,386 --> 00:15:34,320 I know for a fact that blonde is not her natural hair color. 398 00:15:39,561 --> 00:15:41,027 That's her. 399 00:15:41,029 --> 00:15:42,629 Yeah, and she better watch it, 400 00:15:42,631 --> 00:15:44,163 'cause I am in mama grizzly mode. 401 00:15:44,165 --> 00:15:45,765 Promise me you won't make this 402 00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,300 more awkward than it already is. 403 00:15:47,302 --> 00:15:48,701 You got it, of course. 404 00:15:51,706 --> 00:15:52,839 Ms. McMartin. 405 00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:54,841 Hello, Walden. 406 00:15:54,843 --> 00:15:56,109 Alan. 407 00:16:00,882 --> 00:16:02,815 'Sup, girl? 408 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,819 Who's here? 409 00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:08,254 Oh, hey, buddy. 410 00:16:08,256 --> 00:16:09,989 Uh, it's Ms. McMartin. 411 00:16:09,991 --> 00:16:10,890 Hi, Louis. 412 00:16:10,892 --> 00:16:12,625 Hi. 413 00:16:12,627 --> 00:16:14,794 Hey, why don't you go in your room and play, uh, 414 00:16:14,796 --> 00:16:16,829 while the grown-ups talk for a little. 415 00:16:16,831 --> 00:16:18,164 Sure. Okay. 416 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,200 You see how he handled that? 417 00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:22,902 "Let the grown-ups talk." 418 00:16:22,904 --> 00:16:24,637 Supportive and gentle, 419 00:16:24,639 --> 00:16:27,907 not unlike your delightful beige work panties. 420 00:16:29,177 --> 00:16:33,012 Alan, let the grown-ups talk. 421 00:16:33,014 --> 00:16:36,115 I've thought about this a long time, 422 00:16:36,117 --> 00:16:39,686 and nobody wanted this to work out more than I did. 423 00:16:40,789 --> 00:16:43,189 Please don't do this. 424 00:16:43,191 --> 00:16:44,490 I have to do my job, 425 00:16:44,492 --> 00:16:46,726 and the fact of the matter is you lied. 426 00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:48,027 You committed fraud. 427 00:16:48,029 --> 00:16:50,396 But we are legally married. 428 00:16:50,398 --> 00:16:51,564 He is my best friend. 429 00:16:51,566 --> 00:16:52,498 We're-we're good parents. 430 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,067 And-and clearly, we love each other. 431 00:16:54,069 --> 00:16:55,535 Yes. 432 00:16:55,537 --> 00:16:57,737 The-the only thing that we don't do 433 00:16:57,739 --> 00:17:00,406 is, well, "love" each other. 434 00:17:01,943 --> 00:17:05,078 But if that's the only reason that we don't get to keep Louis, 435 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,447 i-is because I don't put my man parts 436 00:17:07,449 --> 00:17:10,450 into Alan's... mostly man parts... 437 00:17:11,886 --> 00:17:14,020 ...then we will have sex right here in front of you. 438 00:17:15,323 --> 00:17:17,023 I mean... come on, Alan. 439 00:17:17,025 --> 00:17:18,558 Oh, okay. 440 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,060 Um... 441 00:17:21,062 --> 00:17:22,261 Guys, stop. 442 00:17:22,263 --> 00:17:23,429 No, I am serious! 443 00:17:23,431 --> 00:17:25,298 I will have sex with Alan right here 444 00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:28,001 on the living room floor if we get to keep this kid! 445 00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,569 Now, how can you say 446 00:17:29,571 --> 00:17:32,839 that this isn't a great home for a child? 447 00:17:32,841 --> 00:17:35,408 I know you're upset. 448 00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:36,943 I am, too. 449 00:17:36,945 --> 00:17:38,244 But I've made up my mind. 450 00:17:38,246 --> 00:17:39,246 No! 451 00:17:40,048 --> 00:17:41,814 This can't be it! 452 00:17:42,851 --> 00:17:44,083 I'm ready. 453 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,286 What are you doing, buddy? 454 00:17:47,288 --> 00:17:49,088 Whenever Ms. McMartin comes 455 00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:51,858 and the grown-ups start yelling, I get taken away. 456 00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:54,027 Oh, man. 457 00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,262 I'm very sorry, Louis. 458 00:17:56,264 --> 00:17:58,798 What's going on? 459 00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,699 She's taking him. 460 00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:01,234 What? 461 00:18:01,236 --> 00:18:04,270 Hey, Blondie, how many people know you're here? 462 00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:09,375 Berta, it's okay. 463 00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:11,277 And she's not a real blonde. 464 00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:16,015 Come here. 465 00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:18,951 I want you to know that this isn't your fault. 466 00:18:18,953 --> 00:18:23,089 You didn't do anything wrong and you're a great kid. 467 00:18:23,091 --> 00:18:24,690 I really liked it here. 468 00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:27,827 We are, uh... we're gonna miss you, kiddo. 469 00:18:27,829 --> 00:18:30,830 Me, too. 470 00:18:30,832 --> 00:18:32,398 Here. 471 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,434 No. 472 00:18:34,436 --> 00:18:36,069 T-Timothy's your best friend. 473 00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:38,204 He'll be your best friend now. 474 00:18:43,378 --> 00:18:44,944 Bye, Louis. 475 00:18:44,946 --> 00:18:46,813 Bye. Bye, Berta. 476 00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:48,381 So long, kid. 477 00:18:48,383 --> 00:18:49,816 Come on, Louis. 478 00:19:02,063 --> 00:19:04,530 I can't do this. 479 00:19:04,532 --> 00:19:05,498 What? 480 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:07,533 No, the whole reason I took this job 481 00:19:07,535 --> 00:19:08,734 was to help kids. 482 00:19:08,736 --> 00:19:11,537 No matter how we got here, 483 00:19:11,539 --> 00:19:13,606 this is the best place for him. 484 00:19:13,608 --> 00:19:14,907 Oh, this is amazing. 485 00:19:14,909 --> 00:19:16,642 Come here, buddy. Oh! 486 00:19:16,644 --> 00:19:19,745 Did you grow while you were gone? 487 00:19:19,747 --> 00:19:21,380 No. 488 00:19:21,382 --> 00:19:22,548 No? 489 00:19:22,550 --> 00:19:24,717 Get ready for a mama bear hug. 490 00:19:24,719 --> 00:19:25,985 Mama bear. 491 00:19:25,987 --> 00:19:28,020 Oh, my goodness, thank you. 492 00:19:28,857 --> 00:19:30,089 No more lies. 493 00:19:30,091 --> 00:19:31,124 No. 494 00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:32,558 Unless my boss finds out about this. 495 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,926 Then I totally need you to lie. 496 00:19:35,463 --> 00:19:37,530 Glad to have you back, kid. 497 00:19:37,532 --> 00:19:39,832 Oh, and, Ms. McMartin, 498 00:19:39,834 --> 00:19:41,601 you might want to stay away from your house 499 00:19:41,603 --> 00:19:43,369 until I can make some phone calls. 500 00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:47,406 Okay! Okay! 501 00:19:47,408 --> 00:19:48,741 Let's put your stuff away, buddy. 502 00:19:48,743 --> 00:19:50,009 Hey, you know what? 503 00:19:50,011 --> 00:19:51,310 You can have this now, 504 00:19:51,312 --> 00:19:53,579 'cause I got my best friend back. 505 00:19:53,581 --> 00:19:55,014 Technically, I'm your best friend. 506 00:19:55,984 --> 00:19:58,217 And I never left. 507 00:19:58,219 --> 00:19:59,685 Still, a touching moment. 508 00:20:01,022 --> 00:20:02,622 That was really sweet of you. 509 00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:04,457 I feel good about it. 510 00:20:04,459 --> 00:20:06,692 Today you earned your Target gift card. 511 00:20:07,962 --> 00:20:08,928 Thanks. 512 00:20:08,930 --> 00:20:10,429 No, thank you. 513 00:20:13,768 --> 00:20:15,535 Oh. Oh, are you... are you crying? 514 00:20:15,537 --> 00:20:18,838 Yes, but... tears of joy. 515 00:20:25,547 --> 00:20:27,113 Those work, too. 516 00:20:27,115 --> 00:20:29,015 ♪ Men. ♪ 517 00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,266 ♪ Men. ♪ Wow! 518 00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:37,734 That was amazing! 519 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:38,702 Yep. 520 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:40,537 Alan may disappoint sometimes, 521 00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:43,006 but a little blue pill never does. 522 00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:45,742 Hey, could I ask you a personal question? 523 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,711 What do you consider personal? 524 00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:50,380 I already let you try on my work panties. 525 00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:53,450 Well... how do I put this? 526 00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:57,008 Ms. McMartin, what's your first name? 527 00:20:59,184 --> 00:21:05,684 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man