00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:06,469 Okay. Hold up your gifts. 2 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,470 Everybody has to see the gold and frankincense and myrrh 3 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,472 so they know we're the three wise men. 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,043 It's 88 degrees out. 5 00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:14,440 I don't have any myrrh. 6 00:00:14,647 --> 00:00:17,639 Unless it's the biblical term for "swamp ass." 7 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:19,382 We want this to be mantel-worthy. 8 00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:21,917 We want people to say, you know, "Look at those costumes, 9 00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,953 look at that view, look at Cher's house 10 00:00:24,157 --> 00:00:26,182 perfectly positioned over Alan's right shoulder." 11 00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,121 It's got to be better than last year; 12 00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:32,127 me as Joseph, Berta as the Virgin Mary 13 00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:33,924 looking down at you in a diaper. 14 00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:35,965 People loved that. 15 00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:39,161 Okay, here we go. 16 00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,206 Now everybody say... 17 00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:43,498 Sweet baby Jesus! 18 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,171 Sweet baby Jesus! 19 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,378 Sorry about that. 20 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:50,344 That's so cute. You guys are dressed as Duck Dynasty. 21 00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:54,513 No. We're the three kings of Bethlehem. 22 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,980 Oh, right. 23 00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:57,520 I don't get HBO. 24 00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:00,421 Guys, look at him. 25 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:05,188 Isn't he the cutest in his little robe and beard? 26 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:06,865 You want my gold? 27 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:08,825 Ohh! 28 00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:11,864 First cute girl he meets, he's already giving away his money. 29 00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:16,107 You know, I think I have a better idea for a holiday card. 30 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:29,500 Ripped By mstoll 31 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,153 I found the fake snow! 32 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:37,290 It looks real. 33 00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:38,896 Yeah. I love a white Christmas. 34 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,191 So did Charlie. 35 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,834 He used to put snow on every mirror in the house. 36 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:44,865 Okay. 37 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,698 Hey, hey, buddy, why don't you go inside 38 00:01:46,906 --> 00:01:48,271 and write your letter to Santa? 39 00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,841 - Santa's not real. - What? 40 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,671 Of course, he is. 41 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,313 He's never brought me anything I asked for. 42 00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:56,914 Hey, I am sure 43 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,483 that Santa's gonna come through for you this year, buddy. 44 00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:02,051 That's what grown-ups always say. 45 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,481 Come inside with me. 46 00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:09,183 I made gingerbread Zippys. 47 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,330 I was gonna make gingerbread houses, 48 00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:14,295 but everybody knows Zippys don't have houses. 49 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,766 A six-year-old boy who doesn't believe in Santa. 50 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,702 How sad is that? 51 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:24,809 Almost as sad as my 20-year-old boy who does. 52 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,503 This sucks. 53 00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:29,044 Just 'cause he grew up in a group home doesn't mean 54 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:31,080 that he can't enjoy the magic of Christmas. 55 00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:33,411 I know. It was always Jake's favorite holiday. 56 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:34,780 Especially the year he turned 13 57 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,717 and got his first Christmas boner. 58 00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:40,283 It was the only toy he played with all day. 59 00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:43,355 Hey, you know, I bet Louis would believe 60 00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:45,326 if we got him exactly what he wanted. 61 00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:46,931 I don't know what he wants. 62 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,225 He wants a bike. 63 00:02:48,401 --> 00:02:50,232 God! Rose. 64 00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,335 What are you doing here? 65 00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:53,938 Wait. How do you know about Louis? 66 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:56,736 Oh, Walden, you're so adorable. 67 00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:59,935 I just wanted to bring by my homemade Christmas candies. 68 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,442 Do you like nuts? 69 00:03:03,716 --> 00:03:05,274 Covered in chocolate, yes. 70 00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:07,282 With a sweater and skirt, no. 71 00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,250 Oh, okay. 72 00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:12,448 On this day, Walden's heart shrank three sizes. 73 00:03:13,159 --> 00:03:15,491 Anyway, I know this time of year can get busy, 74 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:17,822 so if you need a helping hand, I'm here. 75 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,398 I can wrap presents or babysit or read a Christmas story. 76 00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:22,930 I'm great at doing voices. 77 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,364 Or hearing them. 78 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,770 What do you want, Rose? 79 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,464 My DNA, my fingerprints, a lock of my hair? 80 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:31,041 No, silly. 81 00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:32,677 I have all that. 82 00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:34,407 I want to be your friend again. 83 00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:36,138 I don't think that I'm comfortable 84 00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:38,044 with you being around Louis. 85 00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:39,717 Or me. 86 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,485 If you want to hang out with Alan, that's fine. 87 00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:45,348 I'll pass. 88 00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:52,121 Here you go. A little Christmas cheer for everyone. 89 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,059 What is this? 90 00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:57,293 It's eggnog. 91 00:03:57,470 --> 00:03:58,801 With no rum! 92 00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:02,507 Eggnog without booze is as boring and bland 93 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:04,438 as church without booze. 94 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:10,542 Be a dear and go get some rum for your grandmother. 95 00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,812 Evelyn, he's six years old. 96 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,379 Oh. Yes, right. 97 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:20,320 The rum is in a bottle with a pirate on it. 98 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:24,260 Maybe we can wait until Louis goes to bed. 99 00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:25,863 Of course. 100 00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:27,555 So run along to bed, dear. 101 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:28,859 Mom. 102 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:31,195 If you don't go to sleep, Santa won't come. 103 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:34,373 - There is no Santa. - What? Of course, there is. 104 00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:37,099 Santa's as real as the nose on my face. 105 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,340 Well, he's as real as my... 106 00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:46,114 Trust me, he's real. 107 00:04:46,919 --> 00:04:50,355 You know, she's right, and tonight we're gonna prove it, 108 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:54,025 because we got a Santa cam, 109 00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:58,027 so we can catch the big man in red on video. 110 00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,789 Santa Claus! 111 00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:01,193 Old Saint Nick! 112 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,096 Papa Noel. 113 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,930 Babbo Natale. 114 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,399 Weihnachtsmann. 115 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,905 Which, of course, means "Christmas man" in German. 116 00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:13,908 Teachable moment. 117 00:05:14,113 --> 00:05:17,913 The point is, in the morning, when you see him on video, 118 00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:19,812 then you'll believe he's real, right? 119 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,242 I guess. 120 00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:25,049 I guess? What? It's a Christmas miracle! 121 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,089 Did you hear that, Alan? Did you hear that, Evelyn? 122 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,522 You hear that, Clarence? 123 00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,822 Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! 124 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,290 Okay, off to bed you go. 125 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:37,469 And soon, you'll have visions of sugar plums 126 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:38,898 dancing in your head. 127 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,300 Can I have some pirate rum? 128 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,270 No, we don't want visions 129 00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:45,944 of pink elephants dancing in our head. 130 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:49,603 Okay, you go brush your teeth, and I'll be in in a minute. 131 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,942 When Alan was little and couldn't sleep, 132 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:53,482 I used to give him whiskey. 133 00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:56,321 Breast-feeding doesn't count, Mother. 134 00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,116 So here's the plan. 135 00:05:59,325 --> 00:06:01,156 Santa's not actually coming. 136 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,919 You don't say. 137 00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,289 But how awesome is this? 138 00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:07,466 We got the number two guy from the Thanksgiving Day Parade. 139 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,999 So, if the giant Bullwinkle balloon 140 00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,965 breaks loose and kills the number one Santa, 141 00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:14,366 - this is the guy. - Yeah. 142 00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:15,836 He also appeared as Santa 143 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,033 on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. 144 00:06:20,179 --> 00:06:23,478 He and Chuck Norris fought the bad guys with Christmas fu. 145 00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:27,653 So, when he gets here, he's gonna take the presents 146 00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,845 that we bought for him, and he's gonna put them under the tree, 147 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,523 and then we'll get it on video, 148 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:35,216 and then Louis will have the perfect Charlie Brown Christmas. 149 00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:48,231 I need rum. 150 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:53,876 Santa's here! 151 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,147 I give you Kris Kringle. 152 00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:00,980 Are you smoking pot? 153 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:02,711 Of course not. 154 00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:05,349 Don't worry. 155 00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:07,321 Santa's got a prescription card. 156 00:07:08,227 --> 00:07:11,526 Well, apparently, the presents have already been delivered in Colorado. 157 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,494 Here. Come on in. 158 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,870 I'm Walden. This is Alan and Evelyn. 159 00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:23,508 What do you go by? Mr. Claus? 160 00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:25,870 Babbo Natale? 161 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,705 Weihnachtsmann? 162 00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:30,876 Actually, it's Frank. 163 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,009 It's not very Christmassy. 164 00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:34,345 Well, if you don't like it, 165 00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:37,216 I can hang some mistletoe over my ass. 166 00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:41,389 That's my son you're talking to. 167 00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:43,186 Good one. 168 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,557 I'm sorry. We're just really excited. 169 00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,791 It's our first Christmas with our foster son. 170 00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:51,634 Basically, what we're gonna do is film you 171 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,135 putting the presents under the tree, 172 00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:55,567 and then I've written a little something 173 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,073 - for you to say to Louis. - Let me guess. 174 00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:01,769 "Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, Louis!" 175 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,609 That's better. Go with that. 176 00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,114 Okay, okay, okay, and then... 177 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,549 then you'll take a bite of the cookie, 178 00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:11,746 you'll crunch the carrot, you'll sip the milk, 179 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:14,825 wink at the camera, jiggle your belly and leave. 180 00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:19,788 So it's toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave. 181 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,260 Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave. 182 00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,965 - Got it? - So you want me to be Santa. 183 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:31,273 Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave. 184 00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:34,275 That sounds a lot like an orgy I had in Palm Springs once. 185 00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,781 All right, let's get this stuff wrapped 186 00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:42,784 so we can enjoy this holiday the way I always imagined. 187 00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:45,787 Listening to Michael Bublé's Christmas album... 188 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,119 ...with my husband. 189 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,458 Aw, looks like Alan's getting his first gift early. 190 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:55,466 Where's the boy's bike? 191 00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:57,101 Oh, right here. 192 00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,703 That's not a boy's bike. That's a box. 193 00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:04,334 The boy's bike's in the box. 194 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,308 Tell me the boy's bike in the box has been built. 195 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,012 Oh, no, they wanted $75 to assemble it. 196 00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:12,817 That's like ten pairs of pants. 197 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,449 I was paying for it! 198 00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,615 Oh, come on. 199 00:09:17,823 --> 00:09:19,188 How hard could it be? 200 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:27,159 Sorry, looks like it's gonna be a little longer than we expected. 201 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,827 Any chance you know how to put together a bike? 202 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,901 Right now, I'm too buzzed to have a tool in my hand. 203 00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:38,668 I'm just buzzed enough to have a tool in mine. 204 00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:42,571 Well, ho, ho, ho. 205 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,249 Exactly. 206 00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:45,747 Here. 207 00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,750 Let me get us both a little more eggnog. 208 00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:53,257 Um, Santa, did you drive your own sleigh over here tonight? 209 00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:56,087 Nope. Santa Ubered. 210 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:01,161 Well, hope your driver was named Rudolph. 211 00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:04,363 So, what's going on? 212 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:05,594 Does Santa know you're married? 213 00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:09,707 Does the IRS know you don't have five children? 214 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,739 Marty and I have an open marriage. 215 00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,277 And since he's 93, 216 00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:18,609 my end opens a little more frequently than his. 217 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:20,917 As does your mouth. 218 00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:24,522 That's one of the ends I was talking about. 219 00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:28,883 Here you go. 220 00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,587 You're running low on eggnog, so this one is all rum. 221 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,892 Thank you. 222 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:36,728 You know, this is a situation 223 00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:39,268 where Santa doesn't need a little helper. 224 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,967 So on, Prancer. 225 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:44,973 Fine. 226 00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:46,439 But just know this: 227 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,444 I am not afraid to give Santa a negative review on Yelp. 228 00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:55,949 Okay, I can't make heads or tails of these instructions. 229 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:57,383 They're barely in English. 230 00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:03,054 "The bolts of turning shall revolve clockwords... 231 00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:07,061 as in above figure below." 232 00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:11,061 Does it say anything about roommate of cheapness shall have 233 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:13,670 foot inserted in back hole till tight? 234 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,569 Oh, I guess on the first day of Christmas, 235 00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:19,301 my true love threatened me. 236 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:23,073 I'm sorry, but it's Louis's first Christmas not in the group home, 237 00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:24,408 and I want it to be perfect. 238 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:26,278 No Christmas is ever perfect. 239 00:11:26,485 --> 00:11:28,282 There's always gonna be a toy that's broken 240 00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:29,579 or the wrong kind of batteries. 241 00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:31,279 I mean, even on the very first Christmas, 242 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:33,924 Mary and Joseph woke up to the smell of donkey crap. 243 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:36,951 I know. I just... 244 00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:38,960 I want him to believe in Santa, 245 00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:40,530 and get this bike 246 00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:43,361 and wake up to a winter wonderland. 247 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,531 Not that I ordered a truckload of snow. 248 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,607 I didn't get reindeer! 249 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,436 Well, they're endangered. 250 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,945 We could still make Christmas special for Louis. 251 00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:57,138 We just got to finish this bike. We can do this. 252 00:11:57,349 --> 00:12:00,113 You're right. We got an M.I.T. Engineer and a... 253 00:12:00,319 --> 00:12:02,480 formerly board-certified chiropractor. 254 00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,454 Yeah, now we're talking. 255 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:05,954 I mean, this can't be more difficult 256 00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:07,682 than realigning someone's spine. 257 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,656 Here. You know, you got... 258 00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:12,862 you got your L2, connected to your L3. 259 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,999 And all we have to do is 260 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:18,329 put the right pressure on the right spot and... 261 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,966 Uh, and that is why I am 262 00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:26,644 a formerly board-certified chiropractor. 263 00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:34,845 Santa. 264 00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:39,850 Santa! 265 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,585 Oh, no. 266 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,497 Here comes Santa Claus! 267 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:51,230 Here comes Santa Claus! 268 00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:01,410 - Oh, my God. - What happened? 269 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,605 I saw Mommy banging Santa Claus. 270 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,776 - What? - It's 1972 all over again. 271 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,552 We have a problem. 272 00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,247 Yes, you have a problem. 273 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,552 You are the Christmas whore! 274 00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:19,689 Be that as it may, I think I killed Santa Claus. 275 00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:21,961 Oh, God! 276 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,531 It's exactly like 1972! 277 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,571 Is he gonna be okay? 278 00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:31,140 Yeah, it was just atrial fibrillation. 279 00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:33,277 He just needs some medication and a few days' rest. 280 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,414 You hear that, sweetheart? I'll be fine by New Year's. 281 00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:39,713 I'll be counting down till the balls drop. 282 00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:44,612 Well, thank God Louis didn't see any of this. 283 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,155 He would've been traumatized. 284 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,485 Louis? What about me? 285 00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:50,992 The man almost died while he was having sex with me. 286 00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,327 That's not easy to get over. 287 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,426 No matter how many times it happens. 288 00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:01,131 Okay, well, all right. Well, there you have it. 289 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,001 Merry Christmas, Louis. 290 00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:05,734 Your grandmother banged Santa within an inch of his life. 291 00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:08,173 Here's half a bike! 292 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:10,806 We can salvage this. 293 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:12,916 There's still enough time to finish the bike, 294 00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:15,279 wrap the other gifts and get them under the tree. 295 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:17,081 Okay, you're right. 296 00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:20,281 Louis will be asleep for six more hours. 297 00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:21,784 Walden? 298 00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,589 Aw, come on! 299 00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,460 I heard a noise. Did Santa come? 300 00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,030 Sadly, no. 301 00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:34,104 All right. 302 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:35,867 Where's Evelyn? 303 00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:37,799 Oh, well, uh... 304 00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:40,645 she went to her house to play with... 305 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:42,471 her toys. 306 00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,443 All right, time for bed, bud. 307 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,618 - That's right. Santa's on his way. - All right. 308 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,013 If Santa is real, 309 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,814 then how does he get in all the kids' houses in one night? 310 00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:53,218 Well, he's got Christmas magic. 311 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,660 And how does he know where everybody lives? 312 00:14:56,862 --> 00:15:00,696 Well... that's the magic of Google Maps. 313 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,367 All right. 314 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,399 Good night, buddy. Time to go to sleep. 315 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:07,730 Can you guys stay with me till I fall asleep? 316 00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:10,839 - Sure. - Yeah. 317 00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:14,706 It's not like we need to help Santa assemble toys. 318 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:18,845 He pays his elves $75 to do that. 319 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,983 That's Timothy's spot. 320 00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,384 Oh, okay. 321 00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,890 Um, I guess... 322 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:39,869 Good boy. 323 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,412 - Alan? - Mm-hm. 324 00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:53,878 Oh, my God! 325 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:56,914 Don't flatter yourself. I get one every morning. 326 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,219 Where's Louis? 327 00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:01,753 It's 7:00. We fell asleep. 328 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,519 Oh, crap. The bike. 329 00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:05,219 The presents. What are we gonna do? 330 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,524 Well, is it too late to tell him we're Jewish? 331 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,727 What the... 332 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,269 Santa came! He is real! 333 00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:15,633 Did you? 334 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:16,899 No. 335 00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,804 He's on the video. 336 00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:24,982 You didn't see Grandma Evelyn wrestling with Santa, did you? 337 00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:27,216 No, just Santa. 338 00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:30,447 That's... 339 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:32,285 ...Santa. 340 00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:34,090 Oh, my God. 341 00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:36,318 If the Easy Bake Oven I have always wanted 342 00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:38,496 is under that tree, it is gonna blow my mind. 343 00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:41,595 Can I go outside and ride my bike? 344 00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:43,261 Sure. 345 00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:45,235 Alan, do you want to? 346 00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:46,495 Oh, yeah. Absolutely. 347 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:48,902 Let's go, buddy. 348 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,838 Looks like we had a great Christmas 349 00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,772 and saved $75. 350 00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:10,359 Rose? 351 00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:13,624 All right, come on, Rose, I know you're down there. 352 00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:16,300 - Actually, I'm behind you. - Son of a! 353 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,868 How do you do that? 354 00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:20,538 Why do you do that? 355 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,299 A girl's got to have a little fun. 356 00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,771 Merry Christmas. 357 00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:28,143 I cannot believe that you went to all that trouble for us. 358 00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:31,475 You mean you can't believe Santa went to all that trouble. 359 00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:36,450 Okay, then I guess I need to say thank you to Santa. 360 00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:38,646 Well, he doesn't do it for the thanks, 361 00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:40,290 he does it because he genuinely wants 362 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,221 to make the people in his life happy. 363 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,026 Are you happy, Walden? 364 00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:46,631 I am. 365 00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:49,699 I couldn't have imagined a better Christmas morning. 366 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,962 I mean, other than waking up with Alan poking me in the back. 367 00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,397 Listen, I... 368 00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:59,544 I'm sorry that I said I didn't want you around. 369 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:00,837 Oh, please. 370 00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:02,479 It's not like every time somebody says 371 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:05,047 something mean to me, I write it down in a big book called 372 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,717 "Those Who Have Wronged Me." 373 00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:09,549 That's funny. 374 00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:10,879 I think. 375 00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:15,849 Well, I told you before, I just want to be your friend. 376 00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:17,819 Well, you are. 377 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,361 And... 378 00:18:19,898 --> 00:18:21,456 I'm sorry if I forgot that. 379 00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:22,591 Oh. 380 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:29,167 Oh, hey, but how did Santa manage to put that bike together? 381 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:32,070 The instructions couldn't have been any clearer. 382 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,370 "The bolts of turning shall revolve clockwords 383 00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:37,981 as in above figure below." Duh. 384 00:18:38,550 --> 00:18:41,041 Yeah. Duh. 385 00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:44,213 Do you guys have big plans for later? 386 00:18:44,723 --> 00:18:46,213 No, just the usual. 387 00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:48,256 Open gifts, call family, 388 00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:50,525 hope that you get their voice mail. 389 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,696 The best part is Alan's gonna deep-fry a turkey, 390 00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:55,526 so there's a 50-50 chance he'll catch himself on fire. 391 00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:59,363 I got you guys a little something for the house. 392 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,030 And I hope that every time you look at it, 393 00:19:02,241 --> 00:19:03,299 you'll think of me. 394 00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:08,078 Oh! A cuckoo clock. 395 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,975 I get it. 'Cause you're... 396 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,415 What? 397 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,044 No. 398 00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:18,114 Because it's red like a rose. 399 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:21,586 How could you hurt me on Christmas? 400 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,090 I'm sorry. L... I... 401 00:19:23,362 --> 00:19:25,125 - I thought it was... - I'm just kidding. 402 00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:27,762 No, it's totally 'cause I'm cuckoo. 403 00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:31,603 Well, Merry Christmas, Walden. 404 00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,139 Merry Christmas, Rose. 405 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,242 How cute is that? It's a tiny Rose. 406 00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,951 Wait, is that her real hair? 407 00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:51,520 No, it's yours. 408 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,998 You know, this is what Christmas is all about. 409 00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:07,369 Family, Bublé... 410 00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:09,804 deep-fried turkey. 411 00:20:10,576 --> 00:20:12,100 Life is good, Alan. 412 00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:14,371 It is. 413 00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:23,617 Can you cut mine for me? 414 00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:25,649 Deep-fried fingers. 415 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,258 That was sweet of Rose. 416 00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:38,529 You know, I've always been so cynical of her. 417 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,171 Maybe she does just want to be friends, you know? 418 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:53,400 Ripped By mstoll