♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more ♪
♪ What is love?
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ Ooh, ooh
♪ I don't know
♪ You're not there ♪
♪ I give you my love But you don't care ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ So what is right
♪ And what is wrong
♪ Gimme a sign
♪ What is love? ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more
♪ What is love? ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more
Cindy, hi!
You want me? Him?Me? Him?
Me? Him? Him? Me?Me? Him? Him? Me?
Not you![men speaking indistinctly]
You all right? You good?You okay? You good?
Don't worry about it.Don't worry about it.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey!
Hey.
[woman groans][music playing]
Hey.
♪ I don't know
[groans]
♪ What can I do?
♪ What else can I say? It's up... ♪
[Doug] Hey! [groans]
♪ I know we're one ♪ Just me and you
Fine. Good. All right.
How you doing?
All right, hey.[woman] Oh!
[woman speaking indistinctly][glass shatters]
Good. All right. What's up?
Yeah, I'm good. How you doing?Feel good. All right.
[woman] Excuse me. [groans]
[woman groaning][indistinct chatter]
[Doug] Yeah.[woman screams]
Yes! Score!Score!
Very nice. That was very nice.Yeah! Yeah!
Nice job!Hey.
[Steve] All right. Let's go.[Doug] No, stop. Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!Right out this way.
Right out this way.[Doug] Hey! Come on!
All right. Let's tackle this little lady called night.
Couldn't have said it any better.
[music playing]
I broke the window again.
[scoffs] Dad's gonna be pissed.
Don't worry about it. I'll just tell him you did it.
But I didn't do it.
[chuckles] I know.Oh.
I'm drivin'. Don't do that.Yeah, I know.
[man 1] Come on, get up, you punk!
[indistinct shouting][man 2] Get off me!
So, anyways, I'm standing there, waiting to use the pay phone.
Yeah, he was. Seriously.
And this guy who's on the phone turns around
and tips his hat like this.
And who do you think that guy was?
Emilio Estevez!
The Mighty Duckman! Swear to God! I was there!
Of course you were. You were the one
that yelled the Breakfast Cubber's name.
I was like, "Emilio!"
[both laugh]
Whoo.Whoo.
[Doug] So, anyways...
you guys want to make out or what?
[music playing]
[horn honking]
[siren blaring]
Oh, man!
Oh, shoot!It was perfect that time.
I know. I know.Four months of work
for nothing.[siren blaring continues]
[Doug] What's up?
Did you know you were doing 50?
Hottie cop likes you.You serious?
You think she pulls over just anybody?
Make a move.
What's up?[police officer] Not much.
Just giving you an 80 dollar ticket.
She is so into you.
I want you to do me a favor.Whatever you say, T.J. Hooker.
Um...
Please obey all posted speed limits.
[paper rustling]Have a good night.
It's already been good, now that you've served
and protected me.[police officer scoffs]
Way to go, my friend!
You got her badge number, plus a month from now
you got a date to meet her at the Municipal State Court.
Up top!Yeah!
Very nice!Oh!
What was the point of that?Sorry.
[indistinct chatter]
Come next week, I'mma take care of it.
All right, man. Whoa.
This is the Roxbury.
No one gets in unless you're on the list.
We're on the list.Yeah.
Names?Doug Butabi.
Steve Butabi.You're brothers?
No.
Yes! Oh, man!Yes! Oh, man!
[both laugh]That's quite a joke.
Doug is hilarious.Yeah, I know.
Check this out. You ever heard of this one?
You're not on the list, so feel free to get in line.
Right. Well--
Is that...It is.
The king o 21 Jump Street.
Richard Grieco.Richard Grieco.
[music playing]
Whoa. Excuse me.
We see you later, Grieco.Later, Richard!
We're gonna go wait in line.Maybe we'll hang out later?
There's no chance of that happening.
Sounds good.[exhales deeply]
You know what was wrong with this place?
It's tough to say, considering we didn't get in.
Exactly. They don't know how to properly evaluate
the incoming clientele.
I thought we just didn't look cool enough.
Come on. You?
You are a beautiful man.[Steve chuckles]
You know what we're gonna do when we get our own club?
Get in?Yeah,
but we're also gonna treat all the outside wannabes
just as well as any legendary television star.
That's pretty Roosevelt of you.That's just what I believe in.
Wanna, uh, dance?
We're not in the club yet.Right.
So, maybe when we get in.
So, I'm standing there waiting to use the pay phone
and this guy who's on the phone turns around
and tips his hat like this.
And who do you think that guy was?
Emilio Estevez!
The Mighty Duck man! I swear to God!
I was like, "Emilio!" [laughs][laughs]
"Emilio!" [laughs][laughs]
"Emilio!"[Doug sniggers]
The club is closed, folks.
[man] Aw.Sorry.
♪ Where do you go
♪ My lovely
[birds chirping]
♪ Where do you go
♪ I want to know
♪ My lovely
♪ I want to know
♪ Where do you go Oh, oh, eh, oh ♪
[Doug gagging]
Whoa.[Dough] Oh! [gurgles]
Nozzled you, my friend.Totally got me.
[Steve chuckles]That was in my nose.
Mm.
You're an idiot.
[Steve] Oh, yeah? You like it.Stop it.
Why would I like that?[Steve] You know you do.
Get off. No wait.[Steve grunts] You butt.
[Doug] Watch it! [groans][Steve groans]
[Steve laugh][Doug] Knock it off!
Where's Mom...[Barbara chuckles]
...and who's this gorgeous young hottie in the kitchen?
Yeah. And why is she wearing Mom's bathrobe?
What do you think of my new chin?
Is it better than last year's?[dog barking]
[indistinct chatter][glass shatters]
Captain, Tennille, behave yourselves!
Ah, look who's gracing us with their presence.
Who?[sniffles] Here, Dad.
What is this garbage?A health shake.
It helps me balance my insulin and hormone levels
so I can hit my physical peak.Barbara,
hurry. Get the video camera. He's gonna hit his peak.
Honey, if you're gonna hit your peak, do it in your room.
Oh, Mom, you're hilarious.That's so funny.
[Kamehl] Steve,
in the store in a half hour.
Okay? And wear something nice. Emily's back from school.
Hey, Dad, I think you're confusing Steve
for someone who gives a flying rat's ass.
Flying rat's ass?
That'd be wild to see.[water splash]
Steve, at the store in a half hour.
And bring your dancing monkey brother with you.
[blows]
[both blow]
[blowing continues]
["Stayin' Alive" by Bee Gees playing]
♪ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk ♪
♪ I'm a woman's man No time to talk ♪
♪ Music loud and women warm I've been kicked around... ♪
[slurping]
♪ It's all right, that's okay
♪ And you may look The other way ♪
♪ We can try to understand ♪
♪The New York times' Effect on man ♪
♪ Whether you're a brother Or whether you're a mother ♪
♪ You're stayin' alive Stayin' alive ♪
♪ Feel the city breakin' And everybody shakin' ♪
♪ And we're stayin' alive Stayin' alive ♪
♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha
♪ Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah... ♪
[Steve] Hey, you from out of town?
[Doug] How you doin', princess?
[Steve] You've a local number?[Doug] Oh, you be my lady--
[Doug groans] Oh, man.[Steve groans]
[music playing continues]
You all right?Yeah.
Sure?[Steve blows]
♪ Well, now I get low And I get high ♪
♪ And if I can't get either I really try ♪
♪ Got the wings of heaven On my shoes ♪
♪ I'm a dancing man And I just can't lose... ♪
Finally! An hour and a half late. Very good.
Steve, go dust the roses.
You, idiot boy, go cover the cash register.
[music stops]Idiot boy,
go cover the cash register.
[exhales] Hi.
How are you, uh, you paying for these?
Is this, uh, cash, check, or charge?
Charge.Okay.
Is this a Visa, Mastercard?
Move your thumb.
Good one. Okay.
[clinking, thumping]
Are you sure this is your card? 'Cause it's not processing.
It's my card.
Okay, I'm gonna have to call it in.
[clattering]
[keypad beeping][line ringing]
Operator 238, please. [phone ringing]
Authorization. Card number? What's up?
Doug, I told you not to call here anymore.
I gotta get an approval.
[chuckles] Well, I gotta get a card number.
Not the card, sweetness. Me. [chuckles]
Oh, shut up and swipe it.
I can go for that.
[machine beeping]Do you like that?
Does that feel good?
'Cause I could swipe it all night.
[chuckles]
Okay, the card's fine. Good-bye, Doug.
Bye, 238.
[man clears throat]
Hi.[clatters]
Can I help you?
[Doug imitating female voice] Hi, Doug.
Your nightclub is so cool.
Can my supermodel friends come in and dance?
[Doug] No. Yes. [chuckles]
[Doug imitating female voice] You're so funny and cute
and tall. Hey, let's shake it.
I don't see-- Shut up. Let's shake it!
Come on.What are you doing?
Not much.It's not enough
you have to go to stupid clubs every night.
You have to come here, cut up my plants
and make toys of them!It's not a toy.
It's a club with a jungle theme.
You're a jungle theme.
Go find your brother and load the trucks.
Idiot! Useless!
[birds chirping]
[clanging]
Steve! Steve!
[Doug exhales] Don't look.[crystals jingling]
Hi, Steve. Hey, Doug.Hey, Emily.
Hi.Whatever.
So, I guess you're back from school.
Working for your dad again at the lamp store?
Yeah. I missed you.
Remember before I went to school you said
when I get back form school that we could get together?
And I kept thinking about it.
And thank God there's no one else,
so we can get together.
So, do you want to go see a movie or something?
Sure.[clanging]
Or if you don't wanna do that,
we could just take a drive around and make out.
I love making out.
It's like one of my all time...Yeah.
...favorite things to do in the whole wide world.
Yeah.And I don't mean to brag,
but I'm really, really, really, really good at it.
Right. Sounds good.
Back off, Chicklett.What is your problem, Doug?
Emily, I don't know if you know this,
but my brother and I, we live life in the fast lane.
And that means no stop signs, no red lights,
and there's no pulling over to take pictures.
Now, you see this man over here?
What's up?He's my co-pilot
on this magic carpet ride.
He's carry-on only,
and you're just way too much luggage.
Shut up, Doug.[Doug groans]
[Kamehl] Hey, move, move, move, move, move.
[Doug] Hey, man!Emily.
[chuckles] I see you've picked the right son.
Hi, Mr. Butabi.[Kamehl] You know, Steve here,
he likes you very much.
Dad, come on![chuckles]
Hey, Mr. Butabi! [chuckles]Hey, Mr. Sanderson!
[Kamehl chuckles]Mr. Butabi, is, uh,
Steve asking Emily to marry him again?
You know something, after they're married,
if they have enough children,
we won't have to hire any more salesmen.
[both laugh][clanging]
Oh, Kamehl, you kill me.No, Mr. S, you kill me.
Mr. Sanderson. [chuckles]Dad.
What?Can you please
just leave Steve alone?Why? He likes the girl.
No, he does not.No, I don't.
Yes, you do,
And, Doug, you see this wall?
After they get married, we're gonna knock it down,
combine stores, and have the first plant-lamp shop.
And Steve and Emily are gonna run it.
And it's up to them if they want to keep you around
to clean the toilets.
Are you seeing planes?
Is your name tattoo? Because I swear to God
you're living on Fantasy Island.
God, that was a sweet show.Yeah, it was...
[Kamehl] Yes, I have a fantasy.
That I have two capable sons!
Not one with his head up in the clouds
and the other with his head up his ass!
And look how you load trucks. Is this how you do it?
Disgusting! I'm sick and tired of both of you.
Get the hell out of here.
So we're on a break?
Yeah, I guess.
You wanna crunch it?
Sure.
[exhales] Let's crunch.
[indistinct chatter]
Can the rest of us use the mirror? That's great.
Thanks a lot.We appreciate it.
Everybody's got an attitude here.
Gentlemen![both] Craig!
Lookin' large.
Hey, you want the rest of my power bar?
No. I got a Nitro Bar.How about an energy bar?
No. I got a muscle triplicator bar.
Okay. Well, supplements aside, let me ask you something.
How long we've been friends?
All seven years of high school.Yeah, at least.
That's why I gotta be real with you right now.
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
Look, as a professional trainer, guys,
I'm a little worried about your triceps.
Well , you guys aren't going all the way down.
It's called full extension, and I'm not seeing it.
[sighs] Craig, you're right. we actually had a long talk
about that the other night.Long talk.
I just don't want you to cheat yourselves.
You know, I'm sorry to come down on you like this, but...
[blows] ...in a weird way, it's my job.
Hey, that's why we love you and we hate you.
Still friends?[both] You know it.
[sighs] Well, I'm glad we had this talk.
[indistinct chatter]Oh!
Guns!Yeah!
♪ What is love? Baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more
♪ What is love? Baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
[Steve] I was telling Dad About this great idea
I had for the store. And--Store?
You're sitting around, thinking about the store, Steve?
You're supposed to be thinking about--
Hey, what's up?[Steve] How you doing?
[Doug] Can we call you sometimes, Pocahontas?
[Steve] You got a number? Want some of this?
[Doug] How about a little of that?
[Steve] All right.You're supposed
to be thinking about our future.
We-- Why are you Mount St. Helensing on me?
Well, why are you forgetting about our plans?
What plans?The plans about you and I
opening up only the coolest club in town all of the Roxbury.
Doug, how are we gonna open up a club like that,
when we can't even get in?
That's because we're letting them not let us in.
But you know what? That is it! No more!
It is time we stepped up into that sweet ass world,
and from now on, the only club we're going to is the Roxbury.
But how are we gonna get in?No, but nothing.
We can't--No, we can and we will,
and do you know why?We're good-looking?
We're very good-looking. You especially.
Thanks.[Doug] Now, repeat after me.
We can get into the Roxbury.
Roxbury.Roxbury.
Roxbury!Roxbury!
Roxbury! Rox--Roxbury! Rox--
[Steve] Hey, what's goin' on?[Doug] Hey, what's up?
You guys up for some of this?[Steve] How you doin'?
[Doug] How about a little of that?
[Steve] A little of this, huh?[Kamehl speaking indistinctly]
She bends down, she starts to smell them.
[inhales deeply] Hmm.[Barbara chuckles] Oh.
She thought they were real plants.
No![Kamehl] You know, we're not,
I wouldn't kid you about something like that.
Are you kidding me? Hello?
[sighs] Hey.What's up?
The Sandersons are here to see your mother's new chin.
Get dressed and come join us.Okay.
Sorry, Dad. We're a little busy tonight.
Nice to see you folks.Later.
Steve! I'll be right back. Steve!
Steve! I like your bathing suit.
It looks really good on you 'cause you have
really good, um, muscle definition.
Uh-huh.Most of the American men
that I know don't wear such revealing bathing suits.
[Steve] Uh-huh.It's very European of you.
Huh.It's really, really sexy.
And I don't mean to brag, but I have really good taste
in what's sexy.Thanks, Emily.
Steve!
I mean, whatever, Emily.
♪ If you want my body
♪ And you think I'm sexy
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know
♪ If you really need me ♪
♪ Just reach out and touch me
♪ Come on, honey, tell me...
Good.
What's up? What's going on?
What's going on? [laughs]
Hey, you from out of town? Hey, you from out of town?
You from out of town? [chuckles] Yeah.
[trimmer whirring]
♪ You sexy baby
[sniffs] Yeah.[sniffs] Yeah.
♪ If you want my body
♪ And you think I'm sexy
Yeah.
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know
[clattering]
Wait.
[Doug] Hey.Oh.
All right, yeah!Yeah!
[groans]
[screams]
[both screaming, groaning]
When I tell you to do something, I mean it.
What's this business coming in half-naked
when we have company?[both groan]
Put some clothes on and come downstairs immediately.
Ain't on our things-to-do list, daddy-o.
Steve and I have something extremely important
to do tonight.Yes, you do.
To get downstairs immediately.I don't want to!
[Doug groans]
[bang]Would you please explain to me
what I have to do to get through to this individual?
Dad, it-- it's like this. Doug is like a fax machine.
Okay? You keep putting things in,
but if you don't have a cover page,
people don't know where it's coming from.
And sometimes you get a busy signal.
And that's why you got a memory button
and a redial button.
Actually, I never use it. I always screw it up.
I don't know, what--Don't bother explaining it
to him. He'll never understand.No, you're wrong.
I do understand very well.
You're going to a big, new,
hot club tonight. Isn't that what it is?
Yeah. That's right.Yes. Exactly.
What I don't understand is how you're gonna get there.
What are you doing?What are you doing?
God![Doug grunts]
[Doug groans] Oh!Oh, sh-- man!
♪ Making your way In the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got
♪ Taking a break
♪ From all your worries ♪ All your worries
[Emily] ♪ Sure would mean a lot
♪ Wouldn't you like To get away ♪
[footsteps approaching]
[Emily] ♪ Sometimes you've got to--
You can take away our phones and you can take away our keys,
but you cannot take away our dreams!
That's right! 'Cause we're like sleeping when we have them.
Later much!
[door unlocks]Boys! Boys, wait!
I don't like you leaving without a phone.
Just in case something happens. [chuckles]
Mom, how old are these? These are embarrassing.
Well, you know, in case of emergency.
Have fun.Mom get lipstick on me?
Yeah. But it looks like you were making out.
Sweet.[music playing]
[sighs]
[exhales] How's my hair?Good.
Roxbury good?
You know it.Okay.
I gotta tell you something, Steve. Tonight,
I can taste it.[tires screeching]
I can't taste it, Doug, I can't!
I'm so scared right now, I don't know what to do!
Okay, you're mad-cowing on me. All right. You have to relax.
[stammers] I'm nervous.
I mean, we put all this pressure on ourselves
to get into the Roxbury, and I don't know
if we can deliver.
You have to take control of yourself, okay?
No, you gotta take control! I'm barely hanging on here!
[sobs]Oh, Steve.
Shh. Shh. Come on, relax. Shh.
Think puppies and candy canes, all right?
Shh. Okay. Shh.Hey, hot lady, what's goin' on?
[thud, clatters]
All right, we'll clean up later. Don't worry about it.
Take it easy. [whimpers]
Doug, I see your Roxbury balloon,
and I hate to be the one to burst it... [sobs, sniffles]
...but we don't even have our own car,
and I don't think our name's on that list.
Perfect. Rites of passage.
Remember that television show about Africa?
They sent the boy into the jungle
with nothing but a spear to hunt the lion.
This van is our spear, and that Roxbury is our lion.
Does the bouncer know about this?
He's about to find out.
Ladies, you're all right. See you next week.
My good hombre. Remember us?
No.Doug and Steve Butabi.
You're brothers?No.
Yes.Yes.
Man, works every time.[Doug] I know.
Now I remember. You can't come in.
[indistinct chatter][music playing]
[bouncer] What's up, Rocky?
How you doin' tonight? Hmm.All right.
It's time to play a little softball.
[bouncer clearing throat]
Hey, good man, how's it goin' tonight?
Good. You still can't come in.
Well, that's not what a friend of mine told me.
Maybe you know him. His name is Abraham.
You don't know him.
What about his two friends? George Washington,
and George Washington.
Let's not forget the other boy in the band...
George Washington.
He's a little lonely. Wants to join his buddies.
And look who else we got. Roosevelt,
Roosevelt, and Jefferson.[coins clinking]
[coins clinking]
That's... great.[indistinct chatter]
[horn honking]
[Doug] There! Is that an ATM?[tires screeching]
That's not an ATM. That's where you drop off videos.
Hello! That's it![tires screech, thud]
That was a card store.[Doug] Here's one!
No, that's just weight watchers.
[Doug] ATM! That's it![Steve] No, that's--
[thudding, clattering][both groaning]
[glass shattering][radiator hissing]
Shit. The car!
The car? What about me?
No, this car is a racing car. It's illegal.
All I need is a police report.
[groans] You all right?Yeah. Let me see.
Oh.Oh, great. [breathes heavily]
They're starting with the neck injuries.
I'm screwed. I'm really screwed.
[Richard sighs][Doug] Jeez. Man,
I'm a mess.What happened?
Hey, sorry about your van.
No way! Richard Grieco!Yeah.
Remember we saw you last night at the Roxbury?
Yeah, we were outside.
Right. Right. So, uh, what do you want to do?
Well, we were just gonna go to the Roxbury again.
But we couldn't get in.
Well, hey, guys, do you want me to get you into the Roxbury?
Yeah!Yeah!
Great. Follow me.
This is amazing.See? It all comes from within.
And he felt it because he's an actor
and very sensitive.Right.
We gotta make a stop at the Roxbury.
What about the party?
I just don't want a lawsuit, okay?
[music playing][indistinct chatter]
[indistinct chatter continues]
[woman] Hi, Richard.[music playing]
Oh, my God, Doug.
This is the most amazing place I've ever been.
Guys, guys, this is the coat room.
The club's in here.
♪ It's a beautiful life
What's up? How you doing?What's up?
[Steve] What's up? What's up?[Doug] Yeah.
[Steve] What's up? What's up?[Doug] Oh! All right.
What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?
What's up? What's up?Hey, Steve,
get a hold of yourself, all right?
I'm sorry. It's hottie overload in here.
I know. Just pace yourself.What's up?
Two, three, four. What's up?[woman chuckles]
Two, three, four. What's up?[woman chuckling continues]
[Steve] Four...
♪ See the light shining Through my... ♪
Sweet.Sweet.
Richard, my man, good to see you! Get over here!
[Richard] Benny. The place is kicking.
Actually, it's jumping like 21 Jump Street,right?
[all laugh]
Who are your friends?Oh, uh, guys,
this is Mr. Zadir. He owns the place.
Uh, these are, uh--Doug Butabi.
Steve Butabi.You look like good boys.
[both groans]Come to my VIP table.
Doug, the owner!This is the man we want to be.
I thought we wanted to be like Grieco.
Though appearance and automotive wise,
it's Grieco, but professionally, it's this guy.
Got it.
Dooey, my main man.
I love this man.
I want you to meet the Butabi brothers.
These are good boys. Hey.
Who grabbed my ass? Did you grab my ass?
No, sir, I did not grab your ass.
It's okay if you did.
I understand.
Just that you're barking up the wrong tree.
[all laugh]
So, you guys come here a lot?
Yeah. All the time.But we've never been inside.
[Doug] Steve, watch what you're saying.
So is Johnny Depp meeting you here or what?
No.
All right. Um, listen, Benny,
we'll see you later.[Benny] Hey. Okay.
All right. See you, guys.See you, Richard Grieco.
See ya, Grieco's lady.[Benny laughs]
Sir, I just wanna say that it is an honor
to shoot the shit with the owner of the club
of all clubs.[Benny] Ah.
Yeah, and we're pretty proficient club-hoppers,
so we know what we're talking about.
But we usually go to this place called the Mudd Club,
and that place is rank.
They'll let any ass-wad in the door.
I own that place also.
It's a really good location.Aa-- and the drinks
are reasonably priced.No, no, no. You boys are right.
That's what's wrong with the club business today.
One day you're hot, the next day you're not. Ah, poof.
Tell him.
Well, actually, I, uh, if I may
had an idea for a club.[Benny] Wait.
Did you grab my ass?
No.Do you want to?
No.
Sh-- sh-- should I?
[laughs] Okay. Continue.
Yeah.Well, you know how people,
when they're waiting outside of a club and they're bummed
'cause they're trying to get in?
This is great. This is great.
Well, what if the outside of the club
looked like the inside?
You know, they had couches and music
and all that stuff going on.
But then on the inside...This is the best part.
...it looks like the street. You know, cars and street signs.
So basically, the outside is the inside,
and the inside is the outside.Doesn't that blow your mind?
[music playing continues]
What about that guy?[Vivica] Owns a restaurant.
How many?One.
Boy, has this place gone downhill.
Look, I don't see anything over six figures.
Let's just get out of here.Wait a minute.
That's that Zadir guy.
[Vivica] Who are those guys with him?
[Cambi] I don't know, but if they're with Zadir,
They have got to be worth something.
Great. Let's work.
Tell him about the vampire idea. That's good.
I can't tell him about that idea.
That's a good idea.It's a dumb idea.
Wait! I have to say hello to Jim Carrey.
Jim! Come here, you pet-detective bastard!
Smokin'! You crazy son of a bitch! [laughs]
Was I too pushy?No.
I was too pushy.
Did I speak well?You were totally articulate.
[sighs] It's really hard
to pitch in a nightclub.I know, I know.
I mean, did you ever notice the music is way too loud
in here.Yeah.
We have to get a meeting.
Steve, will you--
♪ Mm-mm-hmm
♪ Uh-huh, yay-hey
♪ Wanna be my lover? Uh-huh, yay-hey ♪
♪ Wanna be my lover?
What's up? You wanna dance?Yes.
All right. Take it easy.
Steve, she said, "Yes."What?
Hotties wanna shake it. Come on.
♪ Dabba-dabba-da Dit dot'n'day ♪
♪ Dit dot'n'day, dit dot'n'day
♪ Dabba-dabba-da Dit dot'n'day ♪
♪ Dabba-dabba-da Dit dot'n'day, dit dot'n'day ♪
♪ This is your night
♪ Dancin' free Until the morning light ♪
♪ Together forever 'Cause this is your night ♪
Uh, no...
♪ And everything is gonna be All right ♪
[Doug moaning]
♪ Oh, yeah So in love with you ♪
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ It's too good to be true Oh, yeah ♪
[Doug grunts][Cambi and Vivica groan]
[Steve and Doug laugh][Cambi and Vivica groaning]
[both grunting]
[Cambi groans]
♪ You captured my heart You're the key to my life ♪
♪ A vision of our love That made me survive ♪
♪ Regaining the mood That we're in, it's so real ♪
♪ It's time to move up And to face what I feel... ♪
[both blow]
♪ Oh-oh-ho
♪ This is your night
♪ Dancin' free... ♪
[indistinct shouting]
♪ Together forever 'Cause this is your night ♪
♪ When everything is gonna be All right... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah So in love with you ♪
♪ Oh, yeah It's too good to be true ♪
♪ Oh, yeah Feelin' so brand-new ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, ee-yeah, ee-yeah ♪
♪ Tonight with my spirits...
That's some good ass-grabbing going on there.
♪ I'm ready to stand up And ready to fall ♪
♪ I can't run away So attracted by you ♪
[all laughing]
Wow, 1980. Good year.
Nineteen-eighty was an excellent year.
Devo had a huge hit that year.
Yeah, and Joanie Loves Chachi started that year.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joanie Loves Chachi,
but does Chachi give a flying fuck about Joanie?
[Zadir] Cambi makes a good point.
But tonight, we have some fun,
not dwell on Scott Baio.[laughs]
Sweet suds, Mr. Zadir.Champagne is good and all,
but you know what really makes a party?
Fluffy whip.
Yeah, but not when you put it on stuff.
When you-- when you press the little white nozzle,
before anything comes out, you suck on it.
It's really fun.
You mean like nitrous oxide? Whippets?
No!No! Cha. [chuckles]
What is that? [scoffs]Dooey,
we have to stop and get some fluffy whip for the party.
Yes, sir.[whirring]
But it has to be fluffy whip in a can!
He can't hear you.
Hey, Dooey,
tell your mom that I had a nice time last night!
[both chuckle]And your dad!
What?
I mean, your sister![both laugh]
Good one, man! So tight![chuckles] Yeah!
[Doug] Only in a limo.[Steve] We nailed him.
Disco dicks.
[muttering][clanking]
[Steve] And that alien
was Robin Williams.[Zadir] Yes, I remember.
I'll be right back.[indistinct chatter]
[Dooey] It's my boss' card. You can take it.
He's-- he's right outside.I'll take care of that.
Operator 238, please.
[phone ringing]
[Doug] What's up?Hello, Doug.
Guess where we went tonight.
Well, let me see...
the one-stop market on Ventura?
Huh, no! I mean before that, you sly little Credit Vixen.
[chuckles] Well, I give up, you nasty little card swiper.
The Roxbury with Richard Grieco. You gotta come out sometime.
Well, I would, but then, you know, there'd be no one here
to approve all the money you spend.
You're always thinking of me.
Well, the card's good.[computer blipping]
Bye, Doug.[line shuts off]
She approved. Aboo.
[can clanks]
[Steve] Sweet ass dwelling, Mr. Zadir.
[Zadir] Ah, it's a place to hang my hat. [chuckling]
♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪
♪ Disco inferno, yeah! ♪ Burn, baby, burn
♪ Burn the mother down, yeah! ♪ Burn, baby, burn
♪ Disco inferno...
[Zadir] Look at this.
Bought a hundred thousand dollars sound system,
and nobody's dancing!
Well, if I may to, uh, congest, the pool here is taking up
all the prime dancing real estate.
Yeah, if you would've put a big piece of glass
over the pool, you could use it as a dance floor.
And that would be sweet,
because it would be like dancing on water,
and people love to do that.
Boys, boys, let's not talk business now.
Let's set up a meeting, huh?
Hey, Anna Nicole! Put something on!
You're making us sick.
Meeting! [exhales]Meeting! [exhales]
Let's mingle.[both sniffle]
Right.
[Steve] This Italian food tastes so good.
It's like Mexican.[Doug] Mm-hmm.
[woman] Could you pass me a towel, please?
Good. How are you?About eight o' clock, 8:15.
[woman] They're right behind you.
Yeah, all the time.BMW.
Right off sunset.Vanilla mostly.
[indistinct chatter]
[exhales]There you are.
We got scared.
Of who? We'll kick his ass!Yeah!
No. We got scared somebody stole you away from us.
Oh.
Oh! Okay.
Like some other girls would steal us away.
Oh. Right.
Oh!
So, do you guys wanna go someplace we can be alone?
No.
Yes!Yes!
[Dough] Oh, man![Steve] Oh, God!
[Doug] So sweet.Like candy.
[Doug] Why does it taste so sweet?
[Steve] 'Cause it's like candy, I said.
These are real. [scoffs]. They'll be dead in a week.
[laughs]Oh!
You know what I always thought
would make a cool "Twilight Zone"?
Huh?Like, we look at this,
and we see a picture of this lady.
But to this lady, are we just a picture of us?
Did you ever think of that?
No.
Why don't you, uh...
come over here?
Vivica, you know what I heard when I first met you?
[chuckles] What?
[imitates siren]
What are you doing?
That's an ambulance coming to take me away,
'cause the sight of you stopped my heart.
[imitates siren continues][Doug] Cambi...
do you like blueberries or strawberries?
Why?
'Cause I wanna know what kind of pancakes
to order you in the morning.
[Steve imitating siren]Steve! [exhales]
[chuckles]
I was wondering if, uh...[zipper zipping]
What are you doing?Checking your label.
Just as I thought. Made in heaven.
Uh, Doug, you've gotten past the opening lines.
Hey, hey, hey.
Is that a mirror in your pocket?
What?
'Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Hey, Doug,
if I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
[giggles]
What?
I was there. I was like, "Emilio!"
And Doug was going cra--[smooches]
Ugh. What are you-- No.
And Steve was like, "Emilio!"
Oh, God, if you were only there.
You know, I feel like a selfish pig...
[Vivica grunting]...just going on and on
about myself. What about you?[grunting continues]
Where you from? Any brothers or sisters?
You have any family? Uh, pets. What about pets?
I got a cat. [groans]
Really? A cat. Interesting.[Vivica groans]
I think of you more as a dog person.
That's funny.[exhales]
You know, maybe Pomeranian,
Lhasa Apso, something kinda small,
warm, fuzzy.
Is this your first time?
Yes. Isn't it yours?
Is this your first time?
What? Are you... [chuckles] ...serious?
Oh, my-- You're hilarious!Oh. [giggles]
Oh, man, you're funny!
[Cambi giggles]Hey, Steve!
[sniggers] You're a funny girl.Uh-huh.
Oh, man. What? All right.[glass shatters]
Hey, where are you going? [roars]
Okay, that was terrific.
[Cambi screams][thud]
[door unlocks] [Steve] Doug!
Oh, my God! Did you just--[Steve stammers]
'Cause I just... Oh, man!It's unbelievable!
[both mumble and grunt]
[both breathe heavily]
Not that it hasn't happened before.
Of course not.I mean it was okay. It was,
you know, right. Yeah.The usual. Totally.
You know, I'm gonna go back in and...
[both speaking indistinctly]
[Doug] Hey, Steve?[crickets chirping]
Yeah, Doug?
You got a number!
We got a number!We got a number!
Whoo!Whoo!
Whoo! Yeah!Whoo! Whoo!
Doug. Doug, I got some great office supplies
for our new nightclub business.[clinking]
Let's see. Post-it notes, to annotate important documents.
All right.Little post-it notes.
'Cause you write smaller than me. And, uh, mugs
with our names on them.
Yours says Doug.Sweet.
Did you, uh, call Mr. Zadir?
Okay, before you talk to a man like Mr. Zadir,
you have to have a plan of attack, all right?
Right.Um,
I'd really like to schedule a meeting. Can you do...
12:30?Uh, let's see.
[rustling]
I'm clear.Okay,
you know, what we should do?
We should probably have a pre-meeting
to brainstorm before our scheduled meeting.
Yeah, that way we don't look like idiots
at our meeting.Exactly.
Okay.[Steve] Okay. Good.
I'm sorry. Register's closed.
Yeah.Sorry.
[Doug hisses]
[Doug] Okay.Okay.
Uh, Mr. Butabi,
where is the other cash register?
[Doug and Steve speaking indistinctly]
[Doug] So 11 would be better.[Steve] Right.
Hey, Steve.
Yeah?I was just thinking.
Dad would be really proud of us right now.
What are you idiots doing?
I pay you to take money
and push a button on the cash register.
What, did you injure your delicate fingers
in a cellular phone accident?
For your information, we are working our asses off.
Yeah, our week's filling up pretty quick.
Dad, last night,
we made some very important business contacts.
Really? Doing what?
Dancing the "Macarena" with Donald Trump?
You're always telling us to do something with our lives,
and when we finally do, you gotta put us down.
You never support us,
and you never care about what's important to us,
right, Steve?Yeah.
F-- for the most part.[Kamehl] Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Even your brother is not convinced.
Why? Because he uses his brain, unlike you! You, you're a loser!
New policy!
No more clubs!
[both] What?Yes!
Your life is retail.
Go clean the stockroom.
You know what, Papa San?
Not only will we not clean up the stockroom,
but we are officially out of here!
Come on, Steve!
But what about the stockroom?
[breathes deeply] We don't need you!
We made huge-ass contacts last night.
Yeah, plus, we met these girls, Dad,
and you wouldn't believe what happened.
We're gonna make it without you, Padre.
You'll see!
Yes, I'll see when you come home tonight
begging for food and shelter! Idiots!
Morons!Steve! Steve!
Not now!You're an ass, Doug.
Wanna go to the beach later?[Doug groans]
I've got my bathing suit on underneath this dress.
[thud]Also, I know of a beach
where you don't have to wear a bathing suit.
And I don't know how you feel about that but personally
I find it very liberating.[Doug groans]
Plus, you know, with my milky white skin
I have to watch up the tiny--Em-- Emily,
we're experiencing a major family crisis
right now. I'm gonna have to take a rain check
on this convo.Steve! Car!
Nice bulbs, Emily.Thanks.
And I don't mean that metaphorically.
[keys jingling][car engine starting]
Don't-- Just give me a call
or call me later if you wanna go out
or just call me anyway![Doug] Shut up!
[tires screeching]
[music playing]
[elevator dings]
[indistinct chatter]
[elevator dings]
You notice we forgot to ask her something?
You mean, what's up?Yeah. That's weird.
Actually, it's not.
We're both in very serious relationships
right now, and our ladies know they can trust us.
Why go out for burgers when you got steak at home?
You're right. We should get lunch after this.
[phone ringing][indistinct chatter]
[Steve exhales][shoes squeak]
[thud]You all right?
Yeah. Fine.
[Doug exhales]
Doug and Steve Butabi for Mr. Zadir.
You're brothers?
Ma'am, we appreciate the setup, but we really can't get
into that right now.No, we shouldn't.
Your names are not on the list, and nobody gets in
without an appointment.
[Doug] We have a meeting.Your names are not on my list.
Doug, Mr. Zadir![shoes squeak]
Security!
Dooey! Yeah!Dooey! Yeah!
Up top! Whoo!Main man! Whoo!
Ragin' party last night.Yeah?
Is that what my mother told you?
Or was it my father?What?
[Dooey] Those cans of fluffy whip
were a big hit at the party.[chuckles] Oh!
I was out till four in the morning looking for more.
From dusk till dawn. You, sir, are a party animal.
It's been great spending quality time and all,
but we have a meeting with Mr. Zadir.
Let's go.Right.
You keep away from Zadir.
[groans]He was drunk last night.
He doesn't even remember you.
You think you're the first losers
Zadir's picked up on the weekend
that I had to get rid of on a Monday?
Am I reading my dis-meter correctly here?
'Cause I could swear we're being blown off.
Actually, you're being kicked out.
What are you-- [mumbles]Doug!
[Doug] Hey! Mr. Zadir![Steve] Doug!
Hey, Mr. Zadir![indistinct chatter]
[Doug] We have a meeting![door knocks]
[glass squeaks][Steve] Doug!
Hey! That doesn't feel good at all!
[Steve] Dooey kicked me![Doug] That doesn't feel...
...very, very important. Dooey, what's going on out there?
Just a couple of trespassers, sir.
Did you find the boys from last night?
I haven't been able to locate them yet,
but don't worry, sir. I'm on it.
Dooey... did you just grab my ass?
Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibility.
Ah, I know your tricks, Dooey.
[Doug] Hey! Hey, hey![Steve groans]
[Steve grunts][Doug groans]
Maybe we should just go back to work.
Yeah, and maybe we should go to college
and not put gel in our hair and start wearing blue jeans!
Let's do that, Steve!
Sorry.[sighs]
Cambi's number.
We had a pretty sweet time last night, didn't we?
Sweet ass time.Diabetic.
I could see us doing that again.
Maybe even a couple times a week, right?
The ladies await, my friend!
Cell!
[Cambi] Fascinating.
So you travel to places other than Japan?
[speaking Japanese]
[speaking Japanese][pager beeping]
Who is it?
I don't know. Just a bunch of pound signs.
I don't know if you're doing it right.
Steve, you have to hit the pound sign,
or it doesn't go through.[keypad beeps]
You-- you have to put in our number,
and then hit the pound sign.
Excuse me, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
That's a sweet show, too.
[keypad beeps][line ringing]
Hello.Cambi, it's your boyfriend.
[Cambi] Huh?Look, I need to see you.
Uh, well, I'm at the Skybar.
[Doug] We'll be right there.Nice.
I know it's nice![thudding, clanking]
That was so good!I was focused the whole time.
My God.Let's go.
[birds chirping][Vivica] So, did you guys have
as good a time last night as we did?
I had a great time, Vivica.
In fact, I think we've reached a point
where I can comfortably call you Viv
and leave out the "Ica."
Do you guys wanna hang out, or...
do what we did last night or--
or eat and, uh, do what we did last night?
Sounds good.Okay.
Ladies, have your boarding passes ready.
[thud, glass clatters]
[Steve] Uh, ma'am, you're gonna have to check your bag.
The movie on this flight will be, uh...
I don't know. I can't think of any more.
[both laughing]
Where's your car?[laughing continues]
Our dad got mad, took it away.
Your dad?Yeah.
We used to work for him, but we quit today,
so actually, we're unemployed.
Right.Yeah.
You're not in business with Mr. Zadir?
Oh, no! We are! We just...Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
...you know, we just met him last night, so we will be.
So, no, but... yes.
Especially, if we ever get to see him again.
Right.Yeah.
[Cambi groans]
Hey, we were just kidding about the boarding passes.
You can get in.Get away from us.
What's wrong?
You guys are a big waste of time.
Como?What?Steve, you're a jerk-off!
[Cambi exhales]Well, I'm glad
you shared that with me.
It's a big step for both of us.
Guys, consider what we did for you last night a favor.
Now do us a favor and never talk to us again.
Wha-- what did we do wrong? We'll change.
You can't change.
You and your brother are ugly, pathetic losers!
I can't believe we actually had sex
with these asswads.
[Vivica] Now, see, that's the problem with nightclubs.
Poor schmucks look the same as rich schmucks.
No.
Yes.
Steve, this is the worst day of my life,
and I'd really appreciate it
if you didn't talk to me right now, all right?
I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
Big surprise, Steve.
You don't know how to do something!
You don't know how to work the clubs!
You don't know how to talk to the ladies!
The only thing you know how to do
is ask me how to do everything!But I'm just follo--
That's why everything's gone wrong!
Because you're holding me back. You're like this--
you're like-- you're like this-- this thing. Like,
it's tied to my leg. Like this-- this dragging thing. Like,
it's on a chain, being dragged like...
Lead weight, lead weight.Yes. Thank you.
But I'm not letting you drag me down anymore! That's it!
Fin!Nothing! Wall! That's all! Nothing!
You know, you can't blame me for what happened.
I mean, today was just a series of random events gone awry.
Well, maybe they wouldn't go awry
if I had someone sitting next to me with a brain!
You know what? Dad was right.
You are a loser![groans]
You know what, Steve?
I lied. You're not good-looking!
Di-- did you say something?
'Cause I have trouble hearing things
from that low to the ground!
Well, hear this! From now on, consider me your ex-brother!
I don't care.Care about this, huh?
You want that? You want the real thing?
[Doug] Huh?No. Do-- do you want--
Then stop talking to me!No. Fine.
My pleasure. Fine!Great. Good. Nice!
Stop! [grunts, groans]
["Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. playing]
♪ Mmm
♪ When your day is long
♪ And the night
♪ The night is yours alone ♪
[rustles, clatters]
♪ When you're sure You've had enough... ♪
Yeah, adhesive... [breathes heavily]
Little Post-Its, you little idiot.
[breathes heavily]
Throwing these out 'cause I hate you.
[exhales]
♪ Well, everybody hurts
You should take a lesson from it.
You went after those kids
'cause you wanna...Grieco.
And when you couldn't nail them, you went
after the next most likely bigot me.
You want to get yourself a racist so bad...
♪ Everybody hurt...
[glass shatters]
[groans][indistinct chatter]
♪ Sometimes ♪
[woman 1] Get off![woman 2 groans]
[indistinct chatter][groans]
[Doug groans][chain rattles]
♪ Sometime...
You'll be very happy with these, ma'am.
These roses are our top seller.How long do they last?
They last forever, 'cause they're silk.
They'll always be in bloom.
They'll never die, never change.
They'll never say you're not good-looking.
[gasps]
[Steve] They'll always be in your room
where you left 'em.[both sob]
[Steve] And not suddenly move out
to the guest house. See.[both cry]
Uh, Steven, excuse me.
Uh, something has come up. Excuse me, ma'am.
[both sob]
Steven, what's going on? All the customers are depressed.
It's just I'm used to seeing Doug at the register.
I miss him.He's in the guest house.
It's ten feet away. It's a mansion in there.
There's no cable.Yes, there is.
They have Cinemax.But there's no HBO!
God![clanking]
[Kamehl groans]
[Steve exhales, grunts][Craig grunts]
Squeeze. You can feel it right here.
Squeeze![Steve grunts]
Hey, Steve.Yeah! come on!
Hey, how you doing? Um, I heard about your brother.
[exhales] So?So when are we gonna go out?
[exhales]I know a place
with great spinach wraps.[metal clanking]
Look, Emily,
I know you've had your heart set on this for a long time,
but the truth is, I mean, I'm a rebel,
and you're like this sweet girl-from-next-door type.
Steve, you're forgetting. I go to college, okay?
Translation, drunken orgies with occasional cliff notes.
Look, it sounds good,
but I just got out of this very serious relationship,
and it's gonna take some time to nurse my emotional wounds.
And that could take, like, until... [blows] ...Saturday.
Saturday? That's perfect.
Your dad got us tickets to see David Copperfield
this Saturday night. [inhales]
Ah, it's gonna be so much fun to see things appear
and then disappear.
I'll see you.
[exhales] Man. Great glutes.
I don't care.
["Careless Whisper" by Tamia playing]
♪ I've been so unsure
♪ As you take my hand
♪ And lead me To the dance floor ♪
♪ As the music dies ♪
♪ Something in your eyes...
I don't know what you were thinking.
That-- that's expensive.Gotta go.
What goes on in your head...No.
Don't--...when you shop for yourself?
Who decorates like this?
Steve, come on. You should...[shattering]
♪ ...got no rhythm ♪
♪ Though it's easy To pretend ♪
♪ I know you're not a fool ♪
♪ Should have known better Than to cheat a friend ♪
♪ Wasted chance That I've been given ♪
♪ So I'm never gonna dance Again ♪
♪ The way I danced with you...
[Steve moaning]
[Steve moaning][Emily moaning]
[moaning continues]
"Introduction to business.
Human relationships in management.
Description covers the development
of the human relationship claim--" [gasps]
Ooh, here's one.
"Business computer systems."
That's a good one.
Machines are Doug's thing. I'm more of a people person.
Steve, a businessman
must have knowledge of computers.
Come on.
[breathes deeply] Oh, here's another one.
"Venture management."
Gosh, Emily, school. I--
I'll have to read. And homework.
And the teacher would always ask you,
"Would you like to share that with the rest of the class?"
Don't upset me, Steve.
Unless you want to make me less horny.
No. That wouldn't be good.
Look, here's what we do.
First we combine the stores, okay?
And then we can add the furniture,
you know?[bed creaking]
[Steve groans][Emily] Recliners and, uh,
sofa beds and, uh, end tables... [pants]
...and, uh... [panting]Chairs.
[groans] Oh, yes, chairs.
And, uh...[Steve groans]
Ottomans.Yes, ottomans. [gasps]
Ottomans. We're gonna be bigger than IKEA.
Home Depot. Oh, my God.[both groan]
[Emily] I-- I-- I...[Steve groans]
[bed creaking][Emily] ...I-- I-- I--
I-- I-- I-- IKEA! [Steve groans]
[both pant]
[panting continues]
Emily, I--[Emily pants]
I think we're moving way too fast.
You're-- you're talking like we're married.
Oh, Steve.
You just made me so happy.
What? No, no, no. I don't mean that.
No. It's-- it's just that I don't--
[groans, exhales]
Okay.
["Be My Lover" by La Bouche playing]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ Looking back on all the time We spent together ♪
♪ You ought to know by now If you want... ♪
[laughs]
Well, if I'm not mistaken,
This place has got it going on.
Hah! I owe you big time for inviting me.
[chuckles] Who wants to dance, huh?
Huh? I call this one the sprinkler.
[chuckles] Whoo![woman cheering]
Hey. You think it would be okay to wear this outfit
to your brother's wedding?
[music playing]
What?
Your brother's wedding, man. What are you gonna wear?
Oh... [snorts] ...God.
Man, you've got to hand it to Steve.
That Emily is the perfect woman.
Gosh, strong legs,
tight stomach, a positive mental attitude.
A woman like that could really keep you on track.
Shut up!
Idiot.
Doug, just because you and your brother
are having problems, that's no reason to refer
to my intellectual capacity in a diminutive manner.
I'm sorry, Craig. It's just...
Can we not talk about my brother for a second?
Ten-four. Boundary set.Thank you.
Wow! Ooh! [chuckles]
I am having a hell of a time. Whoo!
[grunting]
[Kamehl] This moment...
[clinks]...I want to make a toast
to Steve and Emily,
Who, after tomorrow, will be Mr. And Mrs. Steven Butabi.
Emily Sanderson-Butabi.Whoever you become.
Uh, I would also like to thank everyone
for flying in to join us. Uh, especially my-- my parents,
who came in all the way from Maine... [chuckling]
[Kamehl] Yes, yes.[Fred] ...despite
Mom's sciatica. [chuckling][Kamehl] Terr-- terrific, sir.
[Fred] Yes, and of course, uh, the Butabis,
who came in all the way from Yay-men.
Yemen.[Fred] And uh,
that's not the only union.
From what I understand,
we got a new, uh, lamp-plant store.
[Kamehl] Plant-lamp store. [chuckles] Much better.
Seriously, it sounds better.
Um, Steve.
Do you want to stand up and make a toast?
No. I'm all right.
Steve, I think that you should stand up and make a toast.
All the men are making toasts. I think you should make a toast.
[chair creaking]Uh...
Okay, I-- I just want to say, uh, what's up?
Grandma, grandpa, and...
to the other two old people, what's up?
Yeah, you.
[Kamehl] Very nice, very nice.Thanks.
I think, uh, what Steve is trying to say
is that we are just, uh, thrilled with the way
this family is coming together.
And now, I would like to share with you
some of our business plans for after the merger.
I'm gonna get some more wine.[Emily speaks indistinctly]
[indistinct chatter]
Dad. Dad.Yes?
Is-- is there any way we can cancel this whole thing?
Yes.
No.
Uh... [chuckles] ...that is so funny, but, Dad,
it's like Emily turned out
to be this whole different other person.
Let me explain something to you.
The caterer has been paid.
Your grandparents have flown halfway
around the world to get here. Besides, all men are nervous
the night before their wedding, okay?
Oh, you mean all guys are nervous, and anxious,
and kind of hope she eats a can of botulism?
Or-- or maybe she could hang out with a deer
and a hunter accidentally shoots her?
Or-- or you know, when she's sleeping,
she makes that nose-whistle sound,
and you-- you shake her to make her be quiet,
but what you'd really like to do
is take her stupid little red toothbrush
and ram it up her nostril into her skull!
These are perfectly normal feelings.
[metal clanks]Okay.
[exhales]
Doug, you there? It's Steve.
[phone ringing]
Hi. You've reached Doug Butabi.
I'm not here right now because I'm outside
living it up, unlike my pussy whipped brother
who's too busy throwing his life away
for Emily.
Beep.
Doug, sorry I missed you. Um,
uh, I guess I'm getting married,
and, uh, I'm just wondering
if you wanted to be my best man.
Give me a call or page me.
I'm in our room still, across from the pool.
See you.[keypad beeps]
[Steve] Yeah, let's go over this one more time.
[Craig] Steve, I know my duty as best man.
[Steve] Are you sure?I got it.
I walk down the aisle, I stand next to you,
and I get to settle any inter-wedding skirmishes.
No, no, no, no. You're the best man,
not the wedding bouncer.
You just gotta back me up.
Oh.
Like if things get too heavy, I step in like a spotter.
Yeah, right.
Thanks, man. Hey.Okay, let's go.
♪ Bom, bom, ba-dum
We're ready. Let's go. Come on, come on, come on. [chuckles]
[reverend] So I mean, do you want your kid blessed
or not? It's up to you.
[wedding march playing][indistinct chatter]
Richard Grieco.
[chuckles] How do you know Steve?
I, uh, just don't want to be sued.
No. Look, listen to me, pal.
You cannot get your kid confirmed in this city
for less than 150, all right. Now, you want your kid blessed,
you call me, okay? It's up to you. I mean, know a...
You know, Dad, I've been thinking.
I didn't really have time to have a bachelor party.
That's a pretty major part of the wedding experience.
So we may want to consider delaying a couple hours,
so we can go to a strip club or something.
Look, sorry. I gotta go. Leave me a message.
[Craig] Hey. Hey.
Steve, getting married. You the man!
Shut up, Craig. I'm walking down the aisle, you dick.
[grandma] She wore white?
[Emily] Grandma, get off the phone.
[sighs][Emily chuckles]
Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today
to join together--Uh, Fa-- Father. Did--
did we already start?Yeah.
Oh. Sorry. I thought there was supposed
to be a buzzer or a whistle or something.
To join together this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
Before we do that, I understand
the bride and groom have each prepared something.
"Dearest Steve,
they say if you set something free
and it comes back, you should love it forever.
And, like one of your silk plants,
I will try to stay beautiful. That is my endeavor.
[guests awing][Emily] I know
our lives together will be great,
just like when we saw David Copperfield
on our first date.
Love, Emily."
[Steve clears throat]
"Emily.
I used to see you outside my father's store,
and then we went on some dates,
and you let me have sex with you."
[Kamehl] Hmm.
Oh, I'm done.
[reverend clears throat]
If there is anyone
who has reason to believe that this man or this woman
should not be joined together in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
What's up?
From out of town?[gasps]
Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid.
It's your wedding.
You want to wait until after the ceremony, please?
Right.
Steven, do you promise to love Emily in sickness
and health for as long as you both shall live?
My dad already paid the caterer.
Emily, do you promise to love Steven in sickness
and health for as long as you both shall live?
I do.Oh.
Steven, repeat after me.After me.
[both laugh]
[guests laughing]
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring... [clears throat] ...I thee wed.
Now, Emily.
With this ring--
♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more
[indistinct chattering, laughing]
Doug.
♪ Don't hurt me, no more ♪
[indistinct chattering continues]
What the hell's he doing here? What are you doing here?
Make him stop.Emily, don't get upset.
Turn that music off!Put a tie on and the music off.
[clamoring]
["What Is Love" by Haddaway playing]
[Kamehl] You know what I paid for this wedding?
[Emily] Steve, what are you doing?
Oh, don't do that with your head. That is so dumb.
Why is he moving his stupid head?
[reverend] Mr. Butabi, I-- I-- I can't--
I can't work--Keep going. Let's go.
You wanna get paid? You idiot!He's right.
You're out of the will! That I can tell you!
[Emily] This is my wedding!I told you he was a jerk
since day one.[Fred] Emily, shh.
[clamoring]
♪ But you don't care
♪ So what is right And what is wrong? ♪
I told you. He's such a jerk. I told you about that.
[clamoring]
Emily, uh, I'm sorry. I'm not ready yet.
[Emily gasps][Kamehl] Where's he going?
[Emily] Steve, stop!Nice poem, though.
Sorry, Dad.
[indistinct chatter][Emily] Steve, come back here!
Steve, don't you leave me.[Kamehl] Everybody,
keep sitting.[Emily] Steve, I'm not kidding.
Mr. Butabi.What?
As an actor, I'm a keen observer of human nature,
and I can tell you that your son is not ready
for this sort of commitment.
[indistinct chattering continues]
Hello.
Hey.
♪ What is love?
Oh, God.[exhales] Go ahead, Father.
What?What are you doing?
Emily, with all due respect to Steve,
his discipline is lacking, as is his appreciation for you.
Now, I, on the other hand, can bench press 305 pounds.
I squat a clean 525, and my body fat percentage
is less than two percent.[whistle blows] Good.
Now, not only am I a professional trainer,
but I also hope to market my own protein bar someday.
[inhales] Plus,
I've always loved you.Oh.
Well... [inhales]
...okay, but we should look into infomercials.
Okay.
Whoa, this is a completely new fee. Cool?
Yeah.Yeah.
Okay.
Dearly beloved,
we're gathered here again today...
Also, uh, I took, uh, Craig clubbing.
It was all right.
Plus, I rented a lot of videos. I didn't do much else.
Uh-huh.
Look, Steve.
I'm sorry.
I said a lot of bad things before.
I've been thinking.
You're my brother, and...
we're brothers. You know,
when we're together...
I just...
You don't drag me down.
I drag me down.
And you...
you complete me.
Shh-- shut up.
What?
Just shut up.
You had me at "hello."
♪ She'll let you into the parts Of herself ♪
♪ That'll bring you down
♪ She'll let you in her heart
[Richard] And it seems to me...
you're just a little bit harder on Doug
than you are on Steve. I mean--
I mean, isn't that true?
It's true, it's true. It's just that Doug is always
so rebellious. I-- I can't control him.
Yeah, but... [stammers] ...rebellious,
scrappy, dreamer, I mean,
what other young man does that remind you of, huh?
Uh.
Myself as a kid.[both chuckle]
So who are you really fighting with?
Richard Grieco...
you see right through me.[chuckles]
["What Is Love" by Haddaway playing]
♪ What is love?
I missed this car.
I look good in it.Of course you do.
And, uh, you look good also.
Thanks.
I'm really glad you moved back into the room.
Dad was pretty cool about the wedding
once he had that chat with Richard Grieco.
Yeah, and it really improved your relationship with him.
♪ What is right? What is wrong? ♪
♪ Gimme a sign ♪
Oh, my God. Is that an outside nightclub?
No way. That's your idea.Pull over. Let's check it out.
Right.
[music playing][indistinct chatter]
[man] Whoa.[Steve groans]
No one gets in unless they talk to the list.
We're on the list.Steve and Doug Butabi.
Butabi. Oh, step right in.
I'm sorry?Go right in.
Okay.
I guess we should go in then.Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, we're gonna...We're gonna go in.
We're going in.[woman laughs]
[indistinct chatter continues]
[Steve] I can't believe we got in.
[Doug] I know. I don't know what that's about.
You sure it wasn't a mistake?I don't think so.
It's too weird to be a mistake.It's like they stole your idea.
I know.It's exact--
[indistinct chatter]
♪ A little bit of ecstasy
♪ A little bit...
Butabis! I've been looking all over for you. Come here!
Get over here!
Mr. Zadir.Mr. Zadir.
[all chuckling]
How do you like our club?Our club?
Of course. I cut you in. It was your idea.
Sweet.Sweet ass sweet.
Uh, it's not all sweet asses. Running a club is hard work.
Don't worry about it, Mr. Zadir.
Yeah. We're workaholics.
Mr. Zadir, Dooey just called from Pismo Beach.
He says there's no way he could've grabbed your ass.
What is he up to now?[man] I just told you.
Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
Let's do some business.All right.
[woman cheering][indistinct chatter]
Put a couple cherries in that.Nice call.
Hello, Mr. Butabi.Hey.
Mr. Butabi, can you approve this?
Yes. That, uh, looks just fine.
Not bad.Good decision.
Hi, Mr. Bartabi.It's Butabi, but that's okay.
How's the hair?[Steve] Good.
Successful-club-owner good?[Steve] Absolutely.
How are these? Nice?
God, that voice sounds so familiar.
Are you...
Doug?
Credit Vixen?
[gasps] My God, I can't believe this.
You're even more beautiful than you sound.
You stopped calling.Well, not--
not because I didn't want to. I just--
Am I what you expected?
I totally approve.
[both chuckle]
Uh, you're not here with anyone?
Oh, just my friend.
♪ What is love? Baby, don't hurt... ♪
Hottie police officer?
[exhales]I was really looking forward
to meeting you at municipal court
on or before June sixth.
So, uh, do you guys want to, uh, dance?
No.
Yes.Yes.
[all laughing]
Oh, I love this song.Me, too.
Actually, I'm getting kind of sick of it.
[indistinct chatter]
["What Is Love" by Haddaway playing]
♪ Yey-eey
[indistinct chatter]
♪ Ooh-ooh
♪ I don't know When you're not there ♪
♪ I give you my love But you don't care ♪
♪ So what is right?
♪ And what is wrong? ♪
♪ Gimme a sign
♪ What is love? ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪
♪ What is love? Baby, don't hurt me ♪
[glass shatters]
♪ No more
I broke the window again.
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Whoa, whoa, uoh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Uoh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ I don't know What can I do? ♪
♪ What else can I say? It's up to you ♪
♪ I know we're one Just me and you ♪
♪ I can't go on
♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪
♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more
♪ Whoa, whoa, uoh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Uoh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Whoa, whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Uh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh ♪ What is love?
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh, ooh
♪ What is love?
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh, ooh
♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ I want no other
♪ No other lover
♪ This is our life I would die ♪
♪ We are together I need you forever ♪
♪ Is it love? What is love? ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more
♪ What is love? ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me
♪ No more
♪ What is love?
♪ Whoa, whoa, uoh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Uoh-oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh ♪ What is love? ♪
♪ I want no other No other lover ♪
♪ This is our life I would die ♪
♪ We are together I need you forever ♪
♪ Is it love? ♪
♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more
♪ What is love?
♪ Baby, don't hurt me
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ No more
♪ What is love? ♪