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FIRST OF JANUARY

Hi.

Good morning.

Happy New Year!

-What's your name again?
-Grzegorz.

Dąbrowski.

Junior detective.

So? Ready to pop your cherry?

Yes, sir.

It smells terrible in here.

You'll get used to it.

I just have a weak stomach and…

End of the world… My fault…

All my friends are dead… Why?

What do we have here?

I'm sorry, I was just…

It's just… my stomach and all…

Thank you, sir.

I'm fine now.

Oh, God.

Inspector, sir…

Surely you took that paper
out of your own pocket? Right?

Inspector, sir!

Sir, we've just potentially
destroyed key evidence.

We have to report this.

Whoa.

What the hell happened here, sir?

To say it in a language you'd understand:

an epic fail.

-What?
-Never mind.

For starters, tell me where
the parents were during this carnage.

Holidaying at the Tatra mountains.

Holidays at the mountains.

How original.

They went up a hill,
and everything went downhill from there.

-See what I mean?
-Are you being funny?

No, sir. I'm sorry.

And where are they now?

In hospital. The mother experienced
a psychogenic shock when they came home.

She's now on medication.
So is the father. Under sedatives.

He was suicidal.

He can't forgive himself for
leaving a gun in the house.

Is his gun licensed?

Yes. He's an amateur collector.

Passionate about guns, in general.

What a mess.

Oh, how did you end up here?

Pretty thing… isn't it?

Well, yes.

What does it tell you, sir?

That my wife will sure appreciate it.

Come on.

So we have both parents in hospital,

their daughter in a drunk tank…

-A youth shelter.
-And their son?

Marek.

-Is this Marek?
-This is Marek.

Marek was home alone.

Just like Kevin. Looks like
he threw a killer party, too.

-What did I say about being funny?
-Not to go down that road.

Write that down. That's rule number two.

Looks like, due to being ball-gagged,

this guy choked to death on his own vomit.

What a terrible way to go.

You may have heard
my last partner died in action.

So what are you thinking, sir?

Based on all the clues…

I can summarize it as:

Something went wrong.

-Can we do this now?
-Yes.

Come on.

Take one, please.

I always get a picture taken
with a new partner.

THE DAY BEFORE

-You excited?
-Yeah.

I'll finally meet your friends.

Yeah, Marek and all the rest.

Cool.

Something's wrong?

Everything's fine.
I didn't sleep enough last night.

My sleepyhead!

Ugh! Get a room, you two!

-Oliwia!
-Hi, pretty face.

-What are you doing here?
-You thought you could hide from me?

Mommy called me.

She's over the moon about
her son coming back from college.

-She gave us a lecture on her daughter.
-What did she say?

Oh, you know,
the dangers of sleeping around,

STDs and all that.
Great Christmas dinner conversation.

Your drug use worries her.

-What did you tell her?
-To panic more.

Hi!

Why her? She's not invited.

You!

You must be Angelica.

This guy talks so much about you,
I even know your bra size.

That's me, 34B!

Here you go! She's also funny!

-Hi, man.
-Hi.

As a rule, you can go
anywhere but upstairs.

My folks' rule. Bathroom's here.

The living room is the party.
The kitchen, aka booze and food.

Filip! Take a pic of us?

Sure.

That's Filip. Our party photographer.
Just came out of drug rehab.

You were to keep it discreet.

I told you before!

The first step to recovery
is admitting you have a problem.

Isn't he just great? Irreplaceable.

Our lovely Marek.

Filip… He just hit a rough patch
with drugs,

but he's a really cool guy.

A little oversensitive
or dramatic perhaps.

But, you know, small and harmless.

These two former lovebirds
are Anastasia and Jordan.

They used to be happy,
but there's not much happiness left.

She's more into spirituality,
he'd rather be another Post Malone.

You promised to spend tonight with me!
You know how special this is to me.

-Not now, babe.
-When then?

Would you give me some space?
I'm trying to focus on essentials here.

You're distracting me.
We'll hang out later!

Right…

This is Jacques. He's French.

-A Mormon, apparently.
-A Mormon?

Two missionaries knocked
on my door yesterday.

I took them for Jehovah's witnesses.
started yelling at them, as you do.

But in fact they came 'cause
they found my lost wallet.

Get it? If a God exists,
He must totally like me.

So for good karma, in order to thank them,

I invited them to the party.
Only he showed up.

He can't speak much Polish but he's OK.

What was that?

Check out these two.

Robert and Rafał.
They're like Jay and Silent Bob.

Always reaching for the stars, end up
jerking off to someone's mother's picture.

Stock comic relief.

They wouldn't get pussy at the BunnyRanch.

Now, on the flip side,
here's lover boy Dariusz.

Hot chicks always swarm around him.

Are you two sisters or something?

-Yes!
-Yeah?

Astral sisters.

He started with the kindergarten ladies.

Every superhero has his origin story.

And, as you know, with great power
comes great responsibility.

Hey! You piece of shit!
You're with some skanks?

-Shut up, bitches!
-Renia, don't.

-Peace!
-Easy, girls.

-Who are these fucking sluts?
-What are you doing here?

Well, you said we needed a break.

Right, a break.

A break doesn't mean

you can go around
fucking any slut you see.

It does too. Besides, what sluts?
See how cool they are.

Baby… you said we were great.

-We are great together!
-Wrong, Pinky.

We fucked once, and you've been
dogging me for two months.

-Three months!
-Exactly.

Man, what the fuck?

I let you piss on me!

Big deal, everyone pisses on
everyone else now.

Come on, these days it's like kissing.

-No pissing on me!
-Bummer.

-On me neither!
-Come on, girls.

She's just being ridiculous. It'll pass.

Bye!

Pinky, calm down!

Listen to me, you loon.
We are done now. OK?

Finished. Single. Kaput. Game over.

There's the door.
Get out and let me live for once.

I hope you choke! And die!

Hey, Daro!

Quit joking around.
You'll attract bad aura.

Come on, the party's just begun!

You know I'd never piss on you.

I know.

How cute, you two. Romeo and Juliet.
OK, guys, have fun. Enjoy the party.

Men are pigs!

-So you like it?
-Do I like whom?

-The necklace.
-Ah, yes, it's very nice.

-You don't like it.
-I do like it!

I still have the receipt,
we can return it.

Paweł, it's really beautiful.
Come on, relax.

Who's this now?

-Hello, Marek!
-My man!

-This is Gloria. And this is Marek.
-Hello.

What a surprise.
Have you been dating long?

-Three months.
-We're not dating.

I mean…

We've been meeting for a few months.

But we're not an item, we're not dating.

No, we're not doing that at all.

I mean, we are doing that,

but we're not
in a relationship. It's not--

-Got any drinks?
-Sure.

-What would you like?
-Wine.

Wine…

You know, I don't think so.

But we have champagne.

For the midnight toast,
but it's yours if you want it.

Of course I want it!

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

So how did you two meet?

We met at a funeral.

Cool!

I mean not cool for… you know who.

Relax.

-Who kicked the bucket?
-Bogdan!

Jordan! Not Bogdan.
How many times must I tell you?

Paweł's grandma died.
I knew her daughter… His mother.

It's amazing! The way the universe
brings people together.

You wanna play?

Sure.

When you eliminate clutter from life,

you create space for the universe
to unite kindred spirits,

like the two of you.

So you're saying his grandmother died

to make room for Gloria?

Stop being so basic!
When something bad happens in life,

then something good comes out of that.

I see. Like The Lion King
The circle of life.

Yes, like The Lion King. Exactly.

The circle of life symbolizes
the sacred and divine universe.

-Universe, shmuniverse. Let's play!
-I'm telling you.

-Damn.
-It was close.

Gloria, you're only meant to
drink after he scores!

That's the spirit!

You two probably match
in astrology as well.

What are your signs?

-I'm…
-Wait, let me guess.

You are…

a Gemini.

-And Gloria must be…
-I know!

Gloria is a Siren.

-An Aquarius. She's an Aquarius.
-Paweł, let's dance!

Right now, I don't quite…
I don't feel like it.

So now dancing goes on
the growing list of things you don't do?

We can still…

So you're saying…

you can tap her without having to commit?

Pretty much.

Damn.

I'd kill a grandma, too,
if someone took her place.

Jerk!

There's just one thing, man.

When she drinks, she goes crazy.

She loses control.

Man, this is great! Bitches be crazy.

I guess. It's just…

She's kinda keeping me at a distance.

Everything's fine,
we get along really well.

She's very smart.

And then, there's the sex.

Good?

Hang on…

I sense from you
a flow of positive energy.

Are you in love?

What a loser! You're in love?

No way, man. Which reminds me:

They're in love, hah! Rah-rah-rah-rah!

Man, my track will blow you away.
A sure hit, let me play it for you.

Fuck!

To be great is to go on…

To go on is to go far…

To go far is to be brave…

To be great is to go on…

To go on is to go far…

To go far is to be brave…

-Hi, hello.
-Hi!

Look, I did something kinda stupid.

I spilt some booze on your camera.

Oh.

Sorry. I feel like an idiot.

Well, don't. It should be OK.

-All good, don't worry.
-Yeah?

-Yeah, it works.
-Cool!

Then how about…
you join me for a joint?

A peace pipe.

You know what? I can't.

-You can't?
-I really shouldn't.

You can't or you shouldn't?

Not that I don't want to,
because I do, I totally would…

The forbidden fruit is the sweetest.

I know.

Quit the bullshit, let's go.

Moretti's Pizza, best pizza in town.

Really? That good?

Best pizza in town.

No kidding.

Working on New Year's Eve sucks, huh?

A little bit.

I'd hang myself if I were you.

OK, it'll be 560.

Whoa! Does that include a stripper?

Is she in these boxes?
Gonna jump right out?

No.

-Are you the stripper?
-No.

Relax, it's a joke.

Your sense of humor froze up?

Can you just pay me?

You know what,
I don't have any money on me.

Can you wait a second?

Driver 4, where are you?
Driver 4, answer.

-I'm in a real hurry.
-Sure.

I'll be quick as a…
as something that's really quick.

Just be quick, yeah?

I'll be back.

OK.

Got it?

I'll think of a better one.

-You mentioned a guitar?
-Sure! I'll bring it in a sec.

French poodle.

RAFAŁ: I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE! BATHROOM?

CUPCAKE: MIDNIGHT. UPSTAIRS. BE READY!

Why all this texting?

I'm texting this… chick.

A chick?

Yeah, right.

-I wonder who would text you.
-Your mother.

Speaking of MILFs…

-Check her out.
-Yeah.

What a hottie.

Right?

What a…

slut!

Uh-huh.

Let's go fuck her.

What?

Let's fuck her!

Sure, except…

it's not just gonna happen
if we keep standing around.

So?

-Move it.
-You first!

-I was first last time.
-Me, twice before. It's your turn.

Are you chickening out?

Who? Me?

You got no balls.

No balls, me?!

I'm going!

Yo, dude.

Huh?

I wonder why we need chicks at all…

when there's pizza.

They are probably for other things.

Don't you think?

Right. Laundry, cleaning. Cooking.

Although you can order that too.

Well, what do you think?

We met two years ago.
You're proposing already?

Please, stop.

You made me tear up.

Very funny.

You're showing me a ring.
What's this?

I'm proposing to Angelica tonight.

The fuck's wrong with you?

How's it going?

-What?
-You know…

Anything getting better?

Jesus…

I only told you because I was drunk.

Honey, I'm asking for your sake!

I've thought it through. It's time.

-She's great.
-Thought it through?

-It's been ten months…
-Ten months?

How many times?

You mean…

Sex good?

-Nooky nice?
-Awesome.

How many times… you know?

I don't.

Give it more thought.

How many times did he make you come?

I don't know. A few?

Fuck. Never!

I love her, Darek.

Me, I love pepperoni pizza.

How do I know?
Because I tried different varieties.

Hawaiian…

Or capricciosa.

Which is kind of boring.

There's pizza with tuna.

Or vegetarian.

Quattro formaggi.

You've tried one,
the first one to come along.

One bite and you go, "Wow, amazing!"

Dump his ass, girl. Go fuck an athlete.

How can you say that? He's your brother!

So? Are you gonna get married?
To fill the void?

You have one baby, then another,

because two are easier to bring up.

He works constantly
to earn money for both your problems.

You realize that asshole
can't fill the void you feel.

So you whack him with an ax.

See?

I'm looking out for him.

Aren't you full of that pizza?

-What?
-You're almost 30!

Chasing teens on New Year's Eve?

Cut the crap.

Get your shit together. Settle down.

Jesus, dude. It doesn't work that way.

"I wanna marry me a woman,
let me have one now."

There's still time.
Why am I wasting my breath?

Where's your chick?

-The blonde.
-Where?

Daniel!

Damn, pizza margherita!

Now I get it.

And the other one?
The one talking to her?

-Who is that?
-That is my sister.

You have a sister? No way.

The one with the reindeer?

Hey, have you seen Gloria?

-Who?
-Gloria.

An older lady.

Gloria, Gloria…

Gloria. yes.

Yeah, of course!

Where?

Everywhere!

Everywhere.

So?

-Think your friend's gonna deliver?
-Rafał?

Yeah, for sure.

You can count on him. He's a solid guy.

Did you get it?

I did.

Damn, you're good!

-Here.
-Great!

What an express courier, too!

-What a nice surprise!
-Be sure to give it back.

Please…

OK!

Where did you get it?

It's calcium.
Found it in the kitchen and ground it.

What the fuck?

-I told you to get some real shit!
-Do I look like Pablo Escobar?

Whoa!

My, how I missed that.

I haven't done this since…

1995?

My God.

It's just that… it used to hit me
in a different way.

OK.

My sweet boys!

What would you like to do with me then?

Well…

Yeah?

We'd like to…

have some sex.

Whoa, hold your horses!

What's your name again?

Rafał.

Rafał.

Rafałek.

What would you like to do to me?

Well…

Mad positions.

Awesome. Which ones?

From behind.

My favorite!

OK. Demonstrate how, please.

No, love. Demonstrate on him.

What?

Just show me what you would do to me.

Except on him.

-How?
-Just show me.

What the fuck? What are you doing?

Hang on a second.

-We do no such things.
-Come on, boys!

Hang on, we do no such things!

It's just between us, right?

I've seen those movies.
It always ends up badly.

-What's your favorite position?
-Mine?

The one where he's not touching me.
That one's awesome.

OK.

But…

No pressure.

No, wait!

I see that…

you're quite handy with that.

You're a real pro.

So… You're a photographer?

Not quite. It's more of a hobby, really.
A distraction.

Distraction from what?

From reality, I guess.

Did you take any good photos today?

I did.

-Show me.
-No.

-Come on, show me.
-No.

They need some final touches.
Red eye removal, things like that.

Are you trying to hide something from me?

No, why?

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

OK, let me take a guess here.

You…

are…

a Libra.

Libra, yeah.

-Nice. A lucky guess.
-Lucky guess?

How else would you know?

No, no. I can read people.

And I read you, too.

You're hiding a lot under your hard shell.

You're still young.
But you've gone through…

some…

relationship.

A rough relationship.

Which cut you so deep
that you still haven't gotten over it.

So you're suffering.
Not because of a girl,

but because of a relationship…

with your parents.

So… you've been distancing yourself
from the reality

and you've had enough. How am I doing?

Not bad. I'm impressed.
But it's difficult.

See, I told you. I have a gift!

OK, my turn.

Give me your hand. A rectangular palm…

with short, slender fingers.

OK.

This is a hand
typical of someone who is fire.

Who is fiercely individualist.
A quick-tempered individualist.

Perhaps a little impatient.
Perhaps a little intolerant.

-Oh, boy.
-What?

You have a broken life line.

So you also had an experience
that impacted your life choices.

And the two X's here… See?

They indicate you may have experienced
a personal betrayal.

And you are an Aquarius.

How did you know all this?

I have a gift.

You know what they say?

Aquarius and Libra…

tend to feel very free

in expressing their sexual desires.

-Is that so?
-Um-hum. It's a shame.

Who knows what could happen
in a parallel universe,

where we are both single.

Are you ready?

Yes.

For what?

For lighting up!

-What are you looking for?
-I forgot a lighter.

Well, maybe it's a sign?

That we shouldn't smoke.

-Do the honors.
-You go first.

Come on, you'll loosen up.

I'm already loose, really.

I see how tense you are.

Hold this.

What's this?

Some kind of key.

Step aside.

Oh, fuck.

What are you doing?

Stop pointing at me.

Don't do that. I don't like it.

-Come on.
-This is awesome!

I've always wanted to shoot.

You don't even know how to hold it.
Do you want me to show you?

How come you're a gun expert?

My dad showed me the ropes.

And I always wanted to learn.
What a coincidence!

Perhaps it isn't a coincidence.

Aim there. At that snowman. Seems safe.

So you prefer safe?

Not always.

Shoulders straight.

-Like this?
-Yes.

Feet at your shoulders' width.

Like this?

Mm-hmm.

Here you can relax…

Yes.

Now cock the gun.

And now…

Release the trigger.

Very nice.

You got it, Rafał!

-Slap him on the ass.
-What?

Slap him!

Harder! Oh, yeah!

Grab his hair.

Yes!

Yes, Filip! It's what the universe wanted!

Sorry.

What was that?

Great, Rafał!

OK, keep doing it, come on!

What was that?

What are you doing?

-Recording?
-No, no…

-Delete it!
-It's for you!

Of course I'll delete it!
Jesus. OK, it's off.

Continue.

Angelica, you are the best thing
that ever happened to me.

When I met you…

my world turned 180 degrees.

It changed forever.

You're the best thing…
Already said that…

…I love you.

Hello? Yes, Mom?

What do you mean you're hungry?
I made you sandwiches.

Okay. Open the corner shelf.

You'll find a deep green pot.

Take that, and drop pierogis in.

-Driver 4, come in.
-Fuck!

-Where are you?
-Not you, Mom. Sorry.

Ah, screw it.

Please, girls, put this on, will you?

Come on, this will blow you away.
It's gonna be a hit with a capital H!

No way.

You won't regret it, you'll see.

Fuck, here we go again.
She drinks, then disappears!

Your chick ran away
into someone else's arms?

That could never happen to me.
Anastasia knows her place.

What happened?

Fuck.

Anastasia!

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck… Marek!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, no.

OK.

I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere!

-Hey!
-Hi!

Did you hear that bang?
What was that?

What bang? No, I heard nothing.
Maybe the Germans are coming?

What happened here, man?

Nothing.

Is he dead?

Yes, he's dead drunk!

And now he's resting!

God, all this blood…

Is this blood?

It's ketchup.

This makes no sense.

What do you mean, no sense?

Ketchup.

Pizza… Wine.

Vodka.

And that's how it ends. Right, Marek?

Come, buddy. Let's lie down.
You'll sleep it off.

-Anastasia, come along, will you?
-I'm a killer.

I'm a killer.

Shouldn't we call an ambulance?

No! He just needs to rest.

In eternal peace. Amen.

You two have a sick sense of humor.

Hey, girl! Are you OK?

-Everything's A-OK.
-What happened?

We're just playing a game.

Jackson Pollock! Holy fuck.

The fuck's wrong with you?

Do you wanna go to prison?

No, no. There has to be an explanation.

Yes! We just experienced
a moment of karmic connection.

This was all meant to happen.

This is no joke! We have
a real fucking problem to deal with!

What problem exactly?
This is what the universe wanted.

A test of strength
of our potential relationship.

Come on!

Let's… let's retrace our steps.

You invited me upstairs.

-No!
-You took a gazillion pics of me.

Filip, that was no art. It was foreplay.

Anastasia! Wake up! The position of
Mercury has nothing to do with it!

Neither does the angle of Betelgeuse
to the constellation Aquila,

nor any other cosmological shit!

-Oh yeah?
-Yeah!

And when you read my palm,
divining my life? What was that?

Energy. We exchanged vibrations.

-It makes sense!
-It was him.

He told me about you.
How you feel neglected.

How Jordan only thinks of his
rapper's career, ignoring you.

How cosmic and great you are.

So I used those things.
I just spiced them up.

With horoscope shit
which could apply to anyone.

That's it. It was all bullshit.
Got it? Just bullshit!

Aquarius!

How did you know I was Aquarius?

Fuck if I know! I just guessed.

Plus, my mother's an Aquarius, too.

And you know what?
You remind me of her.

You're the same kind of whack!

Liar. You're a liar.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to fuck you.

You dickhead! How could you?!

Why would the universe trick me so?
I saw all the signs around me!

-Calm down!
-Let go of me!

Gloria!

Have we got a treat for you, honey!

PSYCHEDELIC MUSHROOMS

Nom, nom, nom!

TWO LITERS OF VODKA

More, Jola, give him more!

Come here! Come, sweetie pie!

It's really nice of you,
but I have to say no.

The prophets
condemned extramarital sex as sinful…

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

OK, I'll go first!

Quiet. Keep quiet! Maybe you're right
and all this happened for a reason.

-Some good may happen yet.
-You won't trick me again.

You're saying that
'cause you think I'm crazy!

No, think about it.

Maybe in a parallel universe
nothing went wrong.

What?

Maybe in there we're still in that office,
smoking the joint, you're laughing at me,

I'm laughing, too.

Maybe Marek's still alive,
the party's going on, all is OK.

And this situation? Look.

This is just the darkest scenario,
clearly hypothetical.

Do you see?

You're insane!

I'm insane? It's you who's wacko!

Oh, hi Marek!

Well, hello!

I need to tell Jordan.

No, don't! You don't need to!

Fuck.

He's got no hard-on.

Perhaps he's gay!

Well, hello!

-Freeze!
-Don't!

Motherfucker.

-Good day.
-Take this off.

No, no… Fine. OK.

Oh yeah!

We're not just playing around here!
On the bed with him!

I call dibs!

No dibs, Jola! He's mine!

Driver 4, where are you?

Fuck!

We have a zillion orders here for you.

Driver 4, come in, you moron.

Driver 4, where the fuck are you?

Jordan!

Say, have you seen the guy
who's paying for the pizzas?

Excuse me, have you seen the guy
who's paying for the pizzas?

Excuse me!

Have you seen the guy
who's paying me for the pizzas?

Your hair is so soft!

Like silk.

No!

Like teddy bears.

Listen!

Where's the guy paying for the pizzas?

You should really drink
lots of water if you're gonna take this.

CO?

No, HO.

Look, I'm not kidding.

If you take ecstasy,
you should drink tons of water.

In a place this hot, your body temperature
will increase over the danger limit.

Combined with vigorous alcohol intake,
your blood pressure will drop

and your heart rate will accelerate.

Which can then cause
permanent damage to your brain.

Do you understand?

Are you drinking this?

Here, drink it all up!

I think I'm burning!

Well, I warned you.

-Come on.
-Not now!

They're playing my song! Anastasia!

Hey, sis. Are you baking a cake?

No. This is something different.

I cuffed that friend of yours to the bed.

Now I'm gonna rub some
whipped cream on him.

Then I'll shove a banana right up his…

Alright, stop! Too much information.

You should also try
something new for a change.

Am I right, Angela?

Right about what?

The way he could introduce some kink
into your master bedroom.

I mean, your bunk-bed dorm room.

Bang her in a dangerous location.
Like a cemetery.

Hey, sis! Our sex life
is none of your biz.

Just trying to lend a helping hand.

Forget it. Who knows where it's been.

Whatever. See ya! Losers!

Are you all right?

I just need some fresh air.

OK.

Hi.

Hello again!

Hey.

What kind of game
are you two playing, really?

You don't wanna know.

Perhaps I'd like to.

Or perhaps you'd like to…

-What?
-Join me?

In a threesome? Huh?

Shit, this is kind of bad timing.

Who else do you have in there?

What?

Maybe I should be joining you?

Mōribus!

Hey…

-What are you doing, son?
-Jesus?

Why have you forsaken me?

Just one moment!

God made men and women sexual creatures.
How can sex be prohibited?

What about the idea of chastity
in word, thought and deed?

But I hear only one thing in my head.

"Fuck her!"

Come on, let me see.

-What are you doing?
-What? Let's dance. Come on.

What is it? Foreplay?

I cannot give you my blessing

for all the things you desire to do here.

But I cannot forbid them, either.

I am certain you will choose aptly.

Where's Marek?

Marek…

Gross.

The fuck are you doing?

Are you fucking nuts?!

-Let me out of here!
-We didn't mean to!

-You killed Marek!
-Accidentally!

Let me out, you idiot!

-Fuck!
-Keep quiet!

Shut up!

Hey, girls!

-Well, hello!
-Have you seen the guy…

who ordered the pizzas?

Hush! Quiet!

…and if I'm an hour late,
all the pizzas are free.

Then my boss is sure going to fire me,

and I'm screwed because I can't afford
my neuropharmacology tuition.

Neuro… what?

Fafalogy.

It's just that I won't be able to
keep helping my mom.

And I can't go another year
wiping her ass!

He loves his mommy!

Relax, pizza face. Marek's in there.

-In there?
-Um-hum.

Thanks, girls.

-Mr. Malinowski? What's up?
-What's happening in your apartment?

The janitor called about
smoke coming out your windows!

It's nothing, sir,
I just burned some toast.

Everything's under control.

Hello, Jessica here.
I'll polish your tool for just ten zloty.

Fucking hell! Hello? What tool?

Keep quiet!

What the fuck's going on?!

Hey!

Oliwia? What's with you?!

-Girls, please.
-Jesus?

He's gonna puke on all of us!

Wait up!

Hey!

Who do we have here?

Hello?

Jesus?

I don't know.

Jesus?

What can I do?

What can I do? Tell me!

How does this work?

Jesus?

Fucking hell.

Jesus?

Jesus?

Oh, here you are.

Mom, why is there smoke in our house?

I did everything you told me.

I put pierogi in the pot
and turned on the stove.

But now there's a huge fire!

Throw some water on it!

Never mind, get out of there!
Do you hear me?

Hello! Mom?

Shit! Mom!

Shit.

Marek, sir?

Marek, sir, is everything OK?

Oh, fuck.

Holy shit.

Have you seen a guitar anywhere?

It's over there.

Fuck!

Driver 4, where are you?

Would Your Highness bless us
with your presence here?

-I've got the money. I'm on my way.
-No need to rush.

Gloria?

It's not what it looks like.

What's going on here?

-Nothing!
-She made us do it!

Hey, babe!

Gloria! I'm dancing, looking for you,

while you fuck around with these?

You were dancing?

-What?
-Come on. Let's go dancing, babe.

-No, I just wanted to…
-Come on.

-Let's go, babe.
-Gloria! Hey!

What was that about?

Gloria, we need to talk!

-Are you nuts?
-Don't be so uptight.

Uptight? You're fucking other guys
behind my back!

Pardon? I wasn't fucking anybody.
And if I did, why do you care?

Why do I care?

I care because we're dating.

We're not dating.

-What are we doing then?
-Dancing.

Fuck this.

We are dating because I love you.

Don't say that, Paweł.

Why? It's true, I love you.

-Why can't you accept that?
-You're 17 years younger than me!

So what? There are many such couples.

Like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.

And how did that end?

Madonna and Guy Ritchie!
Jay-Z and Beyoncé!

Or Princess Charlene of Monaco
and Prince Albert!

-How do you even know about them all?
-I googled them.

Jesus, Gloria, that's not the point.

The point here is…
they all were, or have been, happy.

And I can make you happy too, honey,
because I love you.

-For God's sake…
-I love you.

He won't fucking let me dance!

Where are you going?

Gloria!

-Excuse me.
-You're just afraid.

You're having some midlife crisis
bullshit and putting it on me!

Do you really want me to tell you
what a 17-years age gap means?

Now you think it's nice and fun.

-You love being with a MILF.
-No!

Oh yes! You had the best sex of your life,

which you probably
wouldn't get from any girls your age.

-And you take that for love.
-Not at all!

-You like to brag about banging me.
-I don't. I respect you, I love you.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck!

Do you want to have kids with me?

I do. I do want it.

Wonderful.

Then in nine months, if we're lucky,

we'll have a son named, say…

Krzyś…

and we'll be one happy family.

All-night baby changing, feeding, lulling.
But we'll make it, it'll be great.

In eight years you'll be 30,
and I'll be past 50.

My tits get saggy, I gain weight,
I get more wrinkly by the day.

I go gray, ugly…

I'm not attractive to you anymore.

So you go and find some chick,
say, Kasia, to fuck on the side.

You're out of home all the time.
Your kid misses you.

I'm covering for you to protect you.

Plus, I get depressed,
I'm not a sweet young mama anymore.

We fight constantly.

The kid can hear it and gets worried
that I'm hurting his dearest daddy.

And to you, the vision of a new life
with Kasia seems much more attractive.

So you leave me, Paweł!

The kid wants to stay with you,
because he thinks I'm a bad mother.

I'll never forgive myself for it! Got it?

To be great…

is to go on.

To go on…

is to go far.

To go far…

is to be brave.

Childish prick!

Just look at you!

Aren't you painted nice?

HELP ME! THESE TWO ARE MAD!
I'M GONNA CHOKE TO DEATH!

-What is he saying?
-"I wanna fuck."

Not "I'm gonna choke"?

Don't be ridiculous!

I'M GONNA CHOKE!

Patience! Give us a sec, lover boy.

Let's use this.

The right end up!

WHAT?!

Go a little up.

Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

I lied to my bishop and went to a party.

I had an amazing sex with two women.

For over a decade
my virginity was my pride.

But having sex is so awesome.
It should be cherished, not forbidden.

I've chosen a new path.

I'm going to celebrate sex from now on.

I'm going to become a master of sex!

Please, Father, give me a sign.

Come here.

I followed all the signs
from the universe.

I listened to its calls and signals.

I thought that the photos, the flirting,

the affinity of our souls
and our experiences…

that two broken pieces made a whole!

What does that mean?

What if there are more pieces?

Is Filip the likeness of sinful flesh?

Who's Filip?

All the blood…
All the sex, lies, and guns!

I'm unworthy of the purity of my goddess.

I bit into the forbidden fruit of
the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

I was lured by deception!

Anastasia! Can you tell me
what happened already?

I am a puppet,
and the devil is pulling my strings.

Dear God.

He's unleashed his fury upon me, you see?

Yeah, I see.

It's a penance for my infidelity.

-I'm living in Gomorrah!
-Gomorrah… Rha-rha-rha-rha…

I'm guided through the path
of indecent self awareness.

But no! In the end, the truth
will let the demons out, love.

No more blood of the innocents
shall be spilled by my hand!

I shouldn't have been unfaithful to you.

You shouldn't have been…

You shouldn't have been what?
You did what?

What did you say?

Can I have your attention
for a moment, please?

I have something important to say
to a very special person.

May I? Thanks.

Hey, turn up the bloody music!

It's not gonna take long.

The person I'd like to invite to join me

is my lovely girlfriend Angelica.

Angelica!

Join me, please.

Angelica…

Daniel, let's talk first.

The first time I met you
almost a year ago,

you looked so beautiful.

I'd never believed in love at first sight

but I instantly knew you were the one

I wanted to live the rest of my life with.

I fell in love

with your eyes.

With the way you walk from room to room.

With how you look when you sleep.

When I look into your eyes,
I can see our future.

I can see us growing old together,

annoying each other for the next 50,
60, 70 years, perhaps even more.

Until your hair is gray,
my hair is gone and our teeth fall out.

When I look at you…

I can see a part of myself in you.

In that part of you
I don't ever want to let go.

I love you.

Angelica,

my love--

Hang on, let me finish.

My love for you burns brightly.

-Angelica…
-Please don't kneel.

Will you marry me?

-Angelica…
-I'm sorry.

Angelica!

-Bummer.
-Not good.

That's cool.

Tough luck.

Let's party on!

You're dead, motherfucker!

Hello, Angelica? Are you in there?

This is some déjà fucking vu!

You fucking cockroach!

Paweł, wait!

You're fucking the woman I love!

Leave him alone!

Quit saying that!
You don't know shit about it!

You're wrong. I do know love, Gloria.

-I can see our future together.
-Stop it.

I see us growing old together
for the next 50, 60, 70 years.

-What?
-Perhaps even more.

Until your hair is gray, my hair is
gone, and our teeth fall out, you know?

Teeth?

I mean… I just wanted to tell you:

I won't let you fuck up our relationship
by screwing random assholes.

Jesus?

Because I love you, Gloria.

And I'm not gonna leave you.

Ever.

What the fuck?

-Filip? What are you doing here?
-What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

-How old are you?
-Are you OK?

Who the fuck is he? And his age?

He could be your son! Unfortunately,

I am your son.

-Honey!
-You're fucking all the guys my own age!

You're merciless. You're ruining my life--

Don't talk to your mother like that!

She sacrificed so much for you!

You know your dad was banging Kasia
on the side?

Hey!

-Isn't it true?
-I'm sorry, calm down.

What is he talking about?

He was a good father to you,
but he was a terrible husband.

Then why didn't you ever tell me?

I didn't want to traumatize you.

-What?!
-Filip!

Take it easy.

That's fucking great, Mom.

Everybody, calm down.

Congratulations! Great fucking job!

Don't worry, son. It's gonna be alright.

-What did you say?
-Filip, son--

Hey! Leave him alone!

Paweł!

Paweł!

Filip, please!

Filip?!

You banged Anastasia?! Motherfucker!

You dumb shit!

Who's looking dumb now?

Huh?

Christ…

why is sex so complicated?

I told you, my son.

Love is the foundation
of peace and forgiveness.

Focus on your inner peace,

you will find both solace
and the most important thing in life.

-Love.
-Jesus…

-You see him too?
-What?

Angelica…

what's wrong?

I'm sorry about the ring thing.

Sorry I did it in public…
Didn't you like the ring or something?

I thought it was just
what we both wanted. Isn't it?

I know I want it.

"Want, want"! Fuck, I want something, too!
And you don't give it to me!

What is it, though?

I give you everything you wish!
What are you saying?

The thing is you don't give me
anything! Go away!

-Oh no, Angelica--
-"Oh yes, Angelica!"

-Just go!
-No way.

You said something.
Now tell me what you meant!

Just go away!

Tell me, what don't I give you?

-Because I don't understand.
-Oh my…

Angelica, please open the door.
Let's talk about it.

You fucking suck in bed, Daniel!

Plot twist!

You're just the worst.

You don't even know
how to take me like a man,

don't know how to go down on me!

You always fuck me
in the same three positions!

Missionary or doggy style.

Either the classic way or from behind.

That's the limit of your imagination!

Daniel, this is just pathetic!

Pathetic!

Let me in, people are here.

Well, fuck it! Let everybody know!

Hello, people!

The Man Who Sucks In Bed The Most
is here! His name's Daniel!

Please, let me in!

And the fucking worst part is

that you never made me come.

Not once. Got it?

What? I made you come a thousand times.

A thousand fucking times!

A thousand times!

Sure, a million, a trillion,
why the fuck not?

Look, Daniel, I really think that
you're a nice guy, you know?

Really!

And it hurts me to say this
as much as it hurts you to hear it.

But, Daniel, you are just…

a fucking pussy!

Did you finally get the message?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
the world's biggest and warmest pussy!

Do you hear me?

Daniel?

You are done,
you worthless degenerate. You're fired!

I'm coming back right now.
I'm coming, you fucking moron!

Listen to me closely, you dimwit:
You're nothing, a nobody, a walking zero.

A useless burden! A goatfuck--

-Hello!
-The whole fucking house is on fire!

-What about my mom? Is she safe?
-The amount of damage! It's millions!

But where is my mom?
Is she fucking OK?

Who gives a fuck?
The whole block's on fire!

The only person
who gives one shred of fuck

about a pointless imbecile like you

is your mommy.

So why don't you just
do everyone a big favor

and kill yourself?

Fuck you! Do you hear me?

Fuck you!

DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, BUT IT WASN'T ME.
THIS OLD HAG MADE ME DO THAT. WHERE R U?

-Don't fucking touch me.
-I wasn't touching you!

No? So whose hand was it just now?

-Mine, and yours was touching it!
-I…

I didn't touch you!

You homo.

-Who are you calling homo, man?
-I'm calling you homo, pal.

-I'm not homo, buddy!
-You are.

-I'm not!
-Well, I think you are.

-You know what?
-What?

Homo!

Leave me the fuck alone!

Fuck off!

Get away from me!

Jesus.

Cupcake…

Cupcake…

I'm a pussy, is that right?

I'm a fucking pussy?!

Fuck!

Angelica!

I'm a pussy?

I'm a fucking pussy, is that right?

No, no!

Stay away from my family!

Are you two family?

Get off him!

-Calm down, son.
-Don't call me "son"!

Fuck!

Who killed Marek?

Hey, Rafał, what's this?

Fuck!

They'll hold the New Year off, you'll see.

Hey!

Did we miss it?

My implants! They were a gift from Daddy!

I'm a fucking pussy, is that right?

A fucking pussy, yes?

Daniel!

You motherfucker!

You fucking whore!

Ladies and gentlemen…

Ten! Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four! Three!

Daniel!

Two!

One!

Happy New Year!

Gloria!

Gloria!

Gloria.

Jordan…

Jordan, baby.

Chemistry is the study of matter.

But I prefer to see this branch of science

as a study of everything.

We're all elements, composed by atoms,

categorized and divided into groups
according to certain properties:

We interact and bond with each other,

creating chemical reactions.

Some substances do not go together,

so they cannot react with each other.

Others do react,
which results in our atoms rearranging

and forming new bonds.

New products.

And none of these chemical reactions
would be possible without the energy,

in the form of heat, light,
electricity or mechanical force.

That is the circle of life.

Elements dancing round and round.

Reacting to this ecstasy of life.

PS:

I developed a hypothesis
for my mom's Alzheimer's.

It's just a theory,
I couldn't afford laboratory tests.

And now I'd be thrown out of school, so…

you're welcome.

Here it is for somebody to find.

I hope you use it for the greater good.

Maybe now everyone will remember me.

OK, so who's the Elvis here again?

Nobody knows.

Damn, it's a pity he didn't leave
a note, a message, anything.

Oh, well.

We're done here.

What do you mean, done?

All this pizza talk got me hungry.

Wait a second. This is not right!

Grzegorz…

The sooner you let go of old clothes,