Cindi. Hi!
- You want me? Him? - Me?
- Me? Him? - Me? Him?
Not you!
- You all right? - You okay?
Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey!
Fine. Good.
How you doing? All right. Hey.
Fuck off.
Good. All right. What's up?
- Yeah, I'm good. How you doing? - Doing good.
All right. Hey.
Excuse me.
- Score! - Score!
- Very nice. - Very nice.
Nice job!
Let's go. Right out this way.
Right out this way.
All right. Let's tackle this little lady called night.
Couldn't have said it any better.
I broke the window again.
Dad's gonna be pissed.
Don't worry about it. I'll just tell him you did it.
But I didn't do it.
I know.
- I'm driving. Don't do that. - Yeah, I know.
Come on, get up, you punk!
I can do it. I can jump.
So, anyways, I'm standing there, waiting to use the pay phone...
Yeah, he was. Seriously.
And this guy who's on the phone turns around
and tips his hat like this.
And who do you think that guy was?
Emilio Estevez!
The mighty duck, man!
- I swear to God! I was there! - Of course you were.
You were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.
I was like, "Emilio!"
So, anyways...
You guys want to make out or what?
Oh, man!
Oh, shoot!
- It was perfect that time. - I know, I know.
Four months of work for nothing.
What's up?
Did you know you were doing 50?
Hottie cop likes you.
You serious?
You think she pulls over just anybody?
Make a move.
- What's up? - Not much.
Just giving you an $80 ticket.
She is so into you.
I want you to do me a favor.
Whatever you say, T.J. Hooker.
Please obey all posted speed limits.
Have a good night.
It's already been good
now that you've served and protected me.
Way to go, my friend! You got her badge number,
plus a month from now you got a date to meet her
at the municipal state court.
- Up top! - Yeah!
Very nice!
- What was the point of that? - Sorry.
Come next week, I'm gonna take care of you.
All right, man.
Whoa!
This is the Roxbury.
No one gets in unless you're on the list.
- We're on the list. - Yeah.
- Names? - Doug Butabi.
Steve Butabi.
You're brothers?
No.
- Yes! - Yes!
- Man! - Man!
That's quite a joke.
Doug is hilarious.
Yeah, I know.
Check this out. You ever heard this one?
You're not on the list, so feel free to get in line.
Right. Well...
Is that...
It is.
The king of 21 Jump Street.
- Richard Grieco. - Richard Grieco.
- Excuse me. - See you later, Grieco.
Later, Richard!
We're gonna go wait in line.
Maybe we'll hang out later?
There's no chance of that happening.
Sounds good.
You know what was wrong with this place?
It's tough to say, considering we didn't get in.
Exactly.
They don't know how to properly evaluate the incoming clientele.
I thought we just didn't look cool enough.
Come on. You? You are a beautiful man.
You know what we're gonna do when we get our own club?
- Get in? - Yeah,
but we're also gonna treat all the outside wannabes
just as well as any legendary television star.
That's pretty Roosevelt of you.
That's just what I believe in.
Want to dance?
We're not in the club yet.
Right. So, maybe when we get in.
So I'm standing there waiting to use the pay phone
and this guy who's on the phone turns around
and tips his hat like this.
And who do you think that guy was?
Emilio Estevez!
The mighty duck, man! I swear to God!
I was like, "Emilio!"
"Emilio!"
The club is closed, folks.
Sorry.
Nozzled you, my friend.
Totally got me.
That was in my nose.
You're an idiot.
- Oh, yeah? You like it. - Stop it.
- You know you do. - I don't like that.
- Get off. - You butt.
Now wait. Watch it!
Knock it off!
Where's Mom?
And who's this gorgeous young hottie in the kitchen?
Yeah, and why is she wearing Mom's bathrobe?
What do you think of my new chin?
Is it better than last year's?
Captain, Tennille, behave yourselves!
Look who's gracing us with their presence.
- Who? - Here, Dad.
- What is this garbage? - It's a health shake.
It helps me balance my insulin and hormone levels
so I can hit my physical peak.
Barbara, hurry. Get the video camera. He's gonna hit his peak.
Honey, if you're gonna hit your peak, do it in your room.
Oh, Mom, you're hilarious.
That's so funny.
Steve, in the store in a half hour, okay?
And wear something nice.
Emily's back from school.
Hey, Dad, I think you're confusing Steve
for someone who gives a flying rat's ass.
Flying rat's ass?
That'd be wild to see.
Steve, at the store in a half hour,
and bring your dancing monkey brother with you.
Hey, you from out of town?
How you doing, princess?
- You have a local number? - Will you be my lady?
Oh, man!
- You all right? - Yeah.
Sure?
Finally!
An hour and a half late. Very good.
Steve, go dust the roses.
You, idiot boy, go cover the cash register.
Idiot boy, go cover the cash register.
Hi. How are you paying for these?
Is this cash, check, or charge?
Charge.
Okay.
Is this a Visa, MasterCard?
Move your thumb.
Good one. Okay.
Are you sure this is your card? 'Cause it's not processing.
It's my card.
Okay. I'm gonna have to call it in.
Operator 238, please.
Authorization. Card number?
What's up?
Doug, I told you not to call here anymore.
I gotta get an approval.
Well, I gotta get a card number.
Not the card, sweetness. Me.
All right. Shut up and swipe it.
I can go for that.
Do you like that?
Does that feel good?
'Cause I could swipe it all night.
Okay, the card's fine. Goodbye, Doug.
Bye, 238.
Hi.
Can I help you?
"Hi, Doug. Your nightclub is so cool."
"Can my supermodel friends come in and dance?"
"No. Yes."
"You're so funny and cute and tall."
"Hey, let's shake it." "I don't see why not..."
"Shut up. Let's shake it! Come on."
- What are you doing? - Not much.
It's not enough you have to go to stupid clubs every night.
You have to come here, cut up my plants and make toys of them!
It's not a toy.
It's a club with a jungle theme.
You're a jungle theme.
Go find your brother and load the trucks.
Idiot! Useless!
Steve! Steve!
Don't look.
Hi, Steve. Hey, Doug.
Hey, Emily.
- Hey. - Whatever.
So, I guess you're back from school.
Working for your dad again at the lamp store?
Yeah. I missed you.
Remember before I went to school you said when I got back from school
that we could get together and I kept thinking about it,
and thank God there's no one else, so we can get together.
So, do you want to go see a movie or something?
- Sure. - Or, if you don't want to do that,
we could just take a drive around and make out.
I love making out.
It's like one of my all-time favorite things
to do in the whole wide world,
and I don't mean to brag, but I'm really, really good at it.
Right. Sounds good.
- Back off, Chiclet. - What is your problem, Doug?
Emily, I don't know if you know this, but my brother and I,
we live life in the fast lane.
And that means no stop signs, no red lights,
and there is no pulling over to take pictures.
- Now, you see this man over here? - What's up?
He's my co-pilot on this magic carpet ride.
He's carry-on only, and you're just way too much luggage.
Shut up, Doug.
- All right, move, move, move, move. - Hey, man!
Emily. I see you've picked the right son.
Hi, Mr. Butabi.
You know, Steve here, he likes you very much.
Dad, come on!
Hey, Mr. Butabi!
Hey, Mr. Sanderson!
Mr. Butabi, is Steve asking Emily to marry him again?
You know something, after they're married,
if they have enough children,
we won't have to hire any more salesmen.
Kamehl, you kill me.
No, Mr. S., you kill me.
Mr. Sanderson.
- Dad. - What?
Can you please just leave Steve alone?
Why? He likes the girl.
- No, he does not. - No, I don't.
Yes, you do, and, Doug, you see this wall?
After they get married, we're gonna knock it down,
combine stores, and have the first plant-lamp shop,
and Steve and Emily are gonna run it.
And it's up to them if they want to keep you around
to clean the toilets.
Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo?
Because I swear to God you're living on Fantasy Island.
- God, that was a sweet show. - That was sweet.
Yes, I have a fantasy, that I have two capable sons!
Not one with his head up in the clouds
and the other with his head up his ass!
And look how you load trucks. Is this how you do it?
Disgusting! I'm sick and tired of both of you.
Get the hell out of here.
So we're on a break?
Yeah, I guess.
You want to crunch it?
Sure.
Let's crunch.
Can the rest of us use the mirror?
Great. Thanks a lot.
We appreciate it.
Everybody's got an attitude here.
- Gentlemen! - Craig!
Looking large.
Hey, you want the rest of my power bar?
No. I got a nitro bar.
How about an energy bar?
No. I got a muscle triplicator bar.
Okay. Well, supplements aside, let me ask you something.
How long we been friends?
- All seven years of high school. - Yeah, at least.
That's why I gotta be real with you right now
and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
Look, as a professional trainer, guys,
I'm a little worried about your triceps.
Well, you guys aren't going all the way down.
It's called full extension, and I'm not seeing it.
Craig, you're right, we actually had a long talk
about that the other night.
Long talk.
I just don't want you guys to cheat yourselves.
You know, I'm sorry to come down on you like this,
but in a weird way, it's my job.
Hey, that's why we love you and we hate you.
Still friends?
- You know it. - You know it.
Well, I'm glad we had this talk.
- Guns! - Yeah!
I was telling Dad about this great idea I had for the store and...
Store? You're sitting around thinking about the store, Steve?
You're supposed to be thinking about...
- Hey, what's up? - How are you doing?
Can we call you sometime, Pocahontas?
You got a number? Want some of this?
- How about a little of that? - All right.
You're supposed to be thinking about our future.
Why are you Mount Saint Helens-ing on me?
Well, why are you forgetting about our plans?
What plans?
The plans about you and I
opening up only the coolest club in town a la the Roxbury.
Doug, how are we gonna open up a club like that
when we can't even get in?
That's because we're letting them not let us in.
Well, you know what? That is it. No more.
It is time we stepped up into that sweet-ass world,
and from now on, the only club we're going to is the Roxbury.
- But how are we gonna get in? - No, but nothing.
- We can't... - We can and we will,
- and do you know why? - We're good-looking?
We're very good-looking.
You especially.
- Thanks. - Now, repeat after me.
We can get into the Roxbury.
- Roxbury. - Roxbury.
- Roxbury! - Roxbury!
Roxbury!
- What's up? - Hey, what's going on?
- You guys up for some of this? - What are you doing?
- How about a little of that. - A little of this, huh?
She bends down, she starts to smell them.
- She thought they were real plants. - No!
I wouldn't kid you about something like that.
Are you kidding me?
Hello?
- Hey. - What's up?
The Sandersons are here to see your mother's new chin.
Get dressed and come join us.
Okay.
Sorry, Dad. We're a little busy tonight.
- Nice to see you, folks. - Later.
Steve! I'll be right back. Steve!
Steve! I like your bathing suit.
It looks good on you 'cause you have good muscle definition.
Most of the American men I know
don't wear such revealing bathing suits.
It's very European of you.
It's really, really sexy, and I don't mean to brag,
but I have really good taste in what's sexy.
- Thanks, Emily. - Steve!
I mean, whatever, Emily.
Yeah.
What's up? What's going on?
What's going on?
Hey, you from out of town?
You from out of town? Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait.
Hey.
All right, yeah!
When I tell you to do something, I mean it.
And what is this business coming in half-naked when we have company?
Put some clothes on and come downstairs immediately.
Ain't on our things-to-do list, Daddy-O.
Steve and I we have something extremely important to do tonight.
Yes, you do. To get downstairs immediately.
I don't want to!
Would you please explain to me what I have to do
to get through to this individual?
Dad, it's like this. Doug is like a fax machine, okay?
You keep putting things in, but if you don't have a cover page,
people don't know where it's coming from
and sometimes you get a busy signal,
and that's why you got a memory button and a redial button.
Actually, I never use it. I always screw it up.
Don't bother explaining it to him, he'll never understand.
No, you're wrong. I do understand very well.
You're going to a big, new, hot club tonight. Isn't that what it is?
- Yeah, that's right. - Yes. Exactly.
What I don't understand is how you're going to get there.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
- God! - God!
Man!
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would mean a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you've got to...
You can take away our phones and you can take away our keys,
but you cannot take away our dreams!
That's right! 'Cause we're, like, sleeping when we have them.
Later much!
Boys! Boys, wait!
I don't like you leaving without a phone.
Just in case something happens.
Mom, how old are these? These are embarrassing.
Well, you know, in case of emergencies.
Have fun.
Mom get lipstick on me?
Yeah. But it looks like you were making out.
Sweet.
How's my hair?
Good.
- Roxbury good? - You know it.
Okay. I gotta tell you something, Steve.
Tonight, I can taste it.
I can't taste it, Doug, I can't!
I'm so scared right now, I don't know what to do!
Okay, you're mad-cowing on me, all right? You have to relax.
I'm nervous.
I mean, we put all this pressure on ourselves to get into the Roxbury,
and I don't know if we can deliver.
You have to take control of yourself, okay?
No, you gotta take control! I'm barely hanging on here!
Come on, relax.
Think puppies and candy canes, all right?
- Okay. - Hey, hot lady, what's going on?
All right, we'll clean up later. Don't worry about it.
Well, take it easy.
Doug, I see your Roxbury balloon,
and I hate to be the one to burst it,
but we don't even have our own car,
and I don't think our name's on that list.
Perfect. Rites of passage.
Remember that television show about Africa?
They sent the boy into the jungle with nothing but a spear to hunt the lion.
This van is our spear and that Roxbury is our lion.
Does the bouncer know about this?
He's about to find out.
Ladies, you all right? See you next week.
My good hombre, remember us?
No.
Doug and Steve Butabi.
You're brothers?
No.
- Yes. - Yes.
- Man, works every time. - Yeah, I know.
Now I remember. You can't come in.
What's up, Rocky?
How you doing tonight?
All right.
It's time to play a little softball.
Hey, good man, how's it going tonight?
Good. You still can't come in.
Well, that's not what a friend of mine told me.
Maybe you know him.
His name is Abraham.
You don't know him.
What about his two friends?
George Washington and George Washington.
Let's not forget the other boy in the band...
George Washington.
He's a little lonely, wants to join his buddies.
And look who else we got,
Roosevelt, Roosevelt, and Jefferson.
Okay.
Great.
There! Is that an ATM?
That's not an ATM. That's where you drop off videos.
That's it!
- That was a card store. - Here's one!
No. That's just Weight Watchers.
- ATM! That's it! - No, that's...
Shit, the car!
The car? What about me?
Well, this car is a racing car. It's illegal.
All I need is a police report.
- You all right? - Yeah. Let me see.
Oh, great.
They're starting with the neck injuries.
I'm screwed. I'm really screwed.
- Jeez, man, I'm a mess. - I don't know. What happened?
Hey, sorry about your van.
No way! Richard Grieco!
Yeah.
Do you remember when we saw you last night at the Roxbury?
Yeah, we were outside.
Right. Right.
So what do you want to do?
Well, we were just gonna go to the Roxbury again.
But we couldn't get in.
Well, hey guys, do you want me to get you into the Roxbury?
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Great. Follow me.
This is amazing.
You see? It all comes from within,
and he felt it because he's an actor and very sensitive.
Right.
We gotta make a stop at the Roxbury.
What about the party?
I just don't want a lawsuit, okay?
Oh, my God, Doug.
This is the most amazing place I've ever been.
Guys, guys, this is the coat room.
The club's in here.
- What's up? How you doing? - What's up?
What's up? What's up?
Steve! Steve, get a hold of yourself, all right?
I'm sorry. It's hottie overload in here.
I know. Just pace yourself.
What's up? Two, three, four,
what's up? Two, three, four,
what's up?
- Sweet. - Sweet.
Richard, my man, good to see you!
Get over here!
Benny, the place is kicking.
Actually, it's jumping like 21 Jump Street, right?
Who are your friends?
Guys, this is Mr. Zadir.
He owns the place. These are...
- Doug Butabi. - Steve Butabi.
You look like good boys.
Come to my VIP table.
Doug, the owner!
This is the man we want to be.
I thought we wanted to be like Grieco.
Well, appearance and automotive-wise,
- but professionally, it's this guy. - Got it.
Dooey, my main man. I love this man.
I want you to meet the Butabi brothers.
These are good boys.
Hey! Who grabbed my ass?
Did you grab my ass?
No, sir, I did not grab your ass.
It's okay if you did.
I understand.
Just that you're barking up the wrong tree.
So, you guys come here a lot?
Yeah, all the time.
But we've never been inside.
Steve, watch what you're saying.
So is Johnny Depp meeting you here or what?
No.
All right.
Listen, Benny, we'll see you later.
- Okay. - All right. See you, guys.
See you, Richard Grieco.
See you, Grieco's lady.
Sir, I just want to say that it is an honor to shoot the shit
with the owner of the club of all clubs.
Yeah, and we're pretty proficient club-hoppers,
so we know what we're talking about.
We usually go to this place called the Mudd Club,
and that place is rank.
They'll let any asswad in the door.
I own that place also.
It's a really good location.
And the drinks are reasonably priced.
No, no, no. You boys are right.
That's what's wrong with the club business today.
One day you're hot, the next day you're not.
Tell him.
Well, actually I, if I may, had an idea for a club...
Wait. Did you grab my ass?
No.
Do you want to?
No.
Should I?
Okay. Continue.
Well, you know how people, when they're waiting outside of a club,
and they're bummed 'cause they're trying to get in?
This is great. This is great.
Well, what if the outside of the club looked like the inside.
You know, they had couches and music and all that stuff going on.
But then on the inside...
This is the best part.
It looks like the street.
You know, cars and street signs.
So basically, the outside is the inside,
and the inside is the outside.
Doesn't that blow your mind?
What about that guy?
Owns a restaurant.
- How many? - One.
Boy, has this place gone downhill.
Look, I don't see anything over six figures.
Let's just get out of here.
Wait a minute. That's that Zadir guy.
Who are those guys with him?
I don't know, but if they're with Zadir,
they have got to be worth something.
Great. Let's work.
Tell him about the vampire idea.
That's good. That's a good idea.
I'm not gonna tell him about that idea.
Wait! I have to say hello to Jim Carrey.
Jim! Come here, you pet detective bastard!
Smoking! You crazy son of a bitch!
- Was I too pushy? - No.
I was too pushy. Did I speak well?
You were totally articulate.
It's really hard to pitch in a nightclub.
I know, I know.
I mean, did you ever notice the music is way too loud in here?
Yeah.
We have to get a meeting.
Steve, will you...
- What's up? You want to dance? - Yes.
All right. Take it easy.
Steve, she said, "Yes."
What?
Hotties want to shake it. Come on.
That's some good ass-grabbing going on there.
Wow, 1980. Good year.
1980 was an excellent year.
Devo had a huge hit that year.
Yeah and Joanie Loves Chachi started that year.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joanie loves Chachi,
but does Chachi give a flying fuck about Joanie?
Cambi makes a good point. But tonight, we have some fun,
not dwell on Scott Baio.
Sweet suds, Mr. Zadir.
Champagne is good and all, but you know what really makes a party?
Fluffi Whip.
Yeah, but not when you put it on stuff.
When you press the little white nozzle, before anything comes out,
you suck on it.
It's really fun.
You mean like nitrous oxide? Whippets?
- No! - No!
What is that?
Dooey, we have to stop and get some Fluffi Whip for the party.
Yes, sir.
But it has to be Fluffi Whip in a can!
He can't hear you.
Hey, Dooey, tell your mom that I had a nice time last night!
And your dad!
What?
I mean, your sister!
Good one, man!
Yeah!
We nailed him.
Disco dicks.
- And that alien was Robin Williams. - Yes, I remember.
I'll be right back.
It's my boss' card.
You can take it, he's right outside.
I'll take care of that.
Operator 238, please.
- What's up? - Hello, Doug.
Guess where we went tonight.
Well, let me see...
The One-Stop Market on Ventura?
No! I mean before that, you sly little Credit Vixen.
Well, I give up, you nasty little card swiper.
The Roxbury with Richard Grieco.
You gotta come out sometime.
Well, I would, but then there'd be no one here
to approve all the money you spend.
You're always thinking of me.
Well, the card's good. Bye, Doug.
She approved.
Sweet-ass dwelling, Mr. Zadir.
It's a place to hang my hat.
Look at this. Bought a $100,000 sound system,
and nobody's dancing!
Well, if I may, to congest,
the pool here is taking up all the prime dancing real estate.
Yeah, if you were to put a big piece of glass over the pool,
you could use it as a dance floor and that would be sweet,
because it'd be like dancing on water, and people love to do that.
Boys, boys, let's not talk business now.
Let's set up a meeting.
Hey, Anna Nicole! Put something on!
You're making us sick.
- Meeting! - Meeting!
Let's mingle.
Right.
This Italian food tastes so good, it's like Mexican.
- Could you pass me a towel, please? - Good. How are you?
- About 8:00, 8:15. - They're right behind you.
- Yeah, all the time. - BMW.
- Right off Sunset. - Vanilla mostly.
There you are.
We got scared.
- Of who? We'll kick his ass! - Yeah!
No. We got scared somebody stole you away from us.
Okay.
Like some other girls would steal us away.
Oh, right.
So do you guys want to go someplace we can be alone?
No.
- Yes! - Yes!
- Oh, man! - Oh, man!
- So sweet... - Like candy.
Why does it taste so sweet?
'Cause it's like candy, I said.
These are real.
They'll be dead in a week.
You know what I always thought would make a cool Twilight Zone?
Like, we look at this, and we see a picture of this lady.
But to this lady, are we just a picture of us?
Did you ever think of that?
No.
Why don't you
come over here?
Vivica, you know what I heard when I first met you?
What?
What are you doing?
That's an ambulance coming to take me away,
'cause the sight of you stopped my heart.
Cambi...
Do you like blueberries or strawberries?
Why?
'Cause I wanna know what kind of pancakes to order you in the morning.
Steve!
I was wondering if...
What are you doing?
Checking your label.
Just as I thought. Made in heaven.
Doug, you've gotten past the opening lines.
Hey, hey, hey.
Is that a mirror in your pocket?
What?
'Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Hey, Doug. If I said you had a nice body,
would you hold it against me?
What?
I was there.
I was like, "Emilio!"
And Doug was going...
What are you... No.
And Steve was like, "Emilio!"
Oh, God, if you were only there.
You know, I feel like a selfish pig
just going on and on about myself.
What about you? Where you from?
Any brothers or sisters?
You have any family? Pets? What about pets?
I got a cat.
Really? A cat.
Interesting.
I think of you more as a dog person.
That's funny.
You know, maybe a Pomeranian,
Lhasa Apso, something kind of small, warm, fuzzy.
Is this your first time?
Yes. Isn't it yours?
Is this your first time?
What? Are you serious?
Oh, you're hilarious!
Oh, man, you're funny!
Hey, Steve!
You're a funny girl.
What? All right. Hey, where you going?
Okay, that was terrific.
- Doug! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
Did you just... 'Cause I just...
- It's unbelievable! - Oh, man!
Not that it hasn't happened before.
- Of course not. - I mean, it was okay.
- You know, right. Yeah. - The usual. Totally.
You know, I'm gonna go back in and...
I'm gonna see what's going on in...
Hey, Steve.
Yeah, Doug?
You got a number!
- We got a number! - We got a number!
Doug.
Doug, I got some great office supplies for our new nightclub business.
Let's see. Post-it notes, to annotate important documents.
- All right. - Little Post-it notes,
'cause you write smaller than me.
And mugs with our names on them. Yours says Doug.
- Sweet. - Did you call Mr. Zadir?
Okay, before you talk to a man like Mr. Zadir,
you have to have a plan of attack, all right?
Right.
I'd really like to schedule a meeting, can you do...
12:30?
Let's see.
I'm clear.
Okay, you know what we should do?
We should probably have a pre-meeting
to brainstorm before our scheduled meeting.
Yeah, that way we don't look like idiots at our meeting.
- Exactly. Okay. - Okay.
I'm sorry. Register's closed.
- Yeah. - Sorry.
- Okay. - Okay.
Mr. Butabi, where is the other cash register?
- So 11:00 would probably be better. - Right.
Hey, Steve.
Yeah?
I was just thinking.
Dad would be really proud of us right now.
What are you idiots doing?
I pay you to take money and push a button on the cash register.
What did you do, injure your delicate fingers
in a cellular phone accident?
For your information, we are working our asses off.
Yeah, our week's filling up pretty quick.
Dad, last night, we made some very important business contacts.
Really? Doing what?
Dancing the Macarena with Donald Trump?
You're always telling us to do something with our lives,
and when we finally do, you gotta put us down.
You never support us,
and you never care about what's important to us, right, Steve?
Yeah, for the most part.
Even your brother is not convinced.
Why? Because he uses his brain, unlike you.
You, you're a loser!
New policy!
No more clubs!
- What? - What?
Yes!
Your life is retail.
Go clean the stockroom.
You know what, Papa-san?
Not only will we not clean up the stockroom,
but we are officially out of here!
Come on, Steve!
But what about the stockroom?
We don't need you.
We made huge-ass contacts last night.
Yeah, plus, we met these girls, Dad,
and you wouldn't believe what happened.
We're gonna make it without you, Padre.
You'll see!
Yes, I'll see when you come home tonight
begging for food and shelter!
Idiots! Morons!
Steve! Steve!
- Not now! - You're an ass, Doug.
Do you want to go to the beach later?
I've got my bathing suit on underneath this dress.
Also, I know of a beach where you don't have to wear a bathing suit.
And I don't know how you feel about it,
but personally I find it very liberating.
Plus, you know, with my milky white skin...
Emily, Emily. We're experiencing a major family crisis right now.
I'm gonna have to take a rain check on this convo.
Steve! Car!
- Nice bulbs, Emily. - Thanks.
And I don't mean that metaphorically.
Don't... Just give me a call or call me later if you want to go out
or just call me anyway!
Shut up!
You notice we forgot to ask her something?
You mean, "What's up?"
Yeah. That's weird.
Actually, it's not.
We're both in very serious relationships right now,
and our ladies know they can trust us.
Why go out for burgers when you got steak at home?
You're right. We should get lunch after this.
You all right?
Yeah. Fine.
Doug and Steve Butabi for Mr. Zadir.
You're brothers?
Ma'am, we appreciate the setup,
but we really can't get into that right now.
Your names are not on the list,
and nobody gets in without an appointment.
- We have a meeting. - Your names are not on my list.
Doug, Mr. Zadir!
Security!
- Dooey! - Dooey!
- Yean. Up top! - Yeah. Main man!
Raging party last night.
Yeah? Is that what my mother told you?
Or was it my father?
What?
Those cans of Fluffi Whip were a big hit at the party.
I was out till 4:00 in the morning looking for more.
From dusk till dawn. You, sir, are a party animal.
It's been great spending quality time and all,
but we have a meeting with Mr. Zadir.
Right.
You keep away from Zadir. He was drunk last night.
He doesn't even remember you.
You think you're the first losers Zadir's picked up on the weekend
that I had to get rid of on a Monday?
Am I reading my diss-meter correctly here,
'cause I could swear we're being blown off.
Actually, you're being kicked out.
What are you...
Doug!
Hey! Mr. Zadir! Hey, Mr. Zadir! We have a meeting!
Watch the shirt!
Doug!
Hey! That doesn't feel good at all!
- Dooey kicked me! - This doesn't feel good.
Very, very important.
Dooey, what's going on out there?
Just a couple of trespassers, sir.
Did you find the boys from last night?
I haven't been able to locate them yet,
but don't worry, sir. I'm on it.
Dooey, did you just grab my ass?
Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibility.
I know your tricks, Dooey.
Hey! Hey, hey!
Maybe we should just go back to work.
Yeah, and maybe we should go to college
and not put gel in our hair and start wearing blue jeans.
Let's do that, Steve!
Sorry.
Cambi's number...
We had a pretty sweet time last night, didn't we?
Sweet-ass time.
Diabetic.
I could see us doing that again.
Maybe even a couple times a week, right?
The ladies await, my friend! Cell!
Fascinating. So you travel to places other than Japan?
Who is it?
I don't know.
Just a bunch of pound signs.
I don't know if you're doing it right.
Stevie. You have to hit the pound sign or it doesn't go through.
You have to put in our number and then hit the pound sign.
Excuse me, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
That's a sweet show, too.
Hello.
Cambi, it's your boyfriend.
Look, I need to see you.
Well, I'm at the Sky Bar.
We'll be right there.
- Nice. That was so good! - I know it's nice!
I was focused the whole time.
- My God. - Let's go.
So did you guys have as good a time last night as we did?
I had a great time, Vivica.
In fact, I think we've reached a point
where I can comfortably call you "Viv"
and leave out the "ica."
Do you guys wanna hang out, or do what we did last night or...
Or eat and do what we did last night?
- Sounds good. - Okay.
Ladies, have your boarding passes ready.
Ma'am, you're gonna have to check your bag.
The movie on this flight will be...
I don't know. I can't think of any more.
Where's your car?
Our dad got mad, took it away.
Your dad?
Yeah. We used to work for him, but we quit today.
So, actually, we're unemployed.
Right.
You're not in business with Mr. Zadir?
Oh, no! We are! We just, you know,
we just met him last night, so we will be.
So, no, but... Yes.
Especially if we ever get to see him again.
- Right. - Yeah.
Hey, we were just kidding about the boarding passes.
- You can get in. - Get away from us.
What's wrong?
You guys are a big waste of time.
Cómo what?
Steve, you're a jerk-off!
Well, I'm glad you shared that with me.
It's a big step for both of us.
Guys, consider what we did for you last night a favor.
Now do us a favor and never talk to us again.
What did we do wrong? We'll change.
You can't change.
You and your brother are ugly, pathetic losers!
I can't believe we actually had sex with these asswads.
You see, that's the problem with nightclubs,
poor schmucks look just the same as rich schmucks.
No.
Yes.
Steve. This is the worst day of my life, and I'd really appreciate it
if you didn't talk to me right now, all right?
I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that.
Big surprise, Steve.
You don't know how to do something!
You don't know how to work the clubs!
You don't know how to talk to the ladies!
The only thing you know how to do
is ask me how to do everything!
- But I'm just... - That's why everything's gone wrong!
Because you're holding me back.
You're like this thing, like, that's tied to my leg.
Like this dragging thing. Like, it's on a chain.
- Being dragged like this... - Lead weight.
Yes. Thank you. Lead weight.
But I'm not letting you drag me down anymore!
That's it! Fin! Nothing!
Wall! That's all! Nothing!
You know, you can't blame me for what happened.
I mean, today was just a series of random events gone awry.
Well, maybe they wouldn't go awry
if I had someone sitting next to me with a brain!
You know what? Dad was right.
You are a loser!
You know what, Steve? I lied.
You're not good-looking!
Did you say something?
'Cause I have trouble hearing things from that low to the ground!
Well, hear this!
From now on, consider me your ex-brother!
- I don't care. - Care about this, huh?
- You want the real thing? - No. Do you want the...
- No. - Then stop talking to me!
- Fine. My pleasure. - Great.
- Fine. - Good. Nice!
Adhesive...
Little Post-its, 'cause you're a little idiot.
Throwing these out 'cause I hate you.
You should take a lesson from it.
You went after those kids 'cause...
Grieco.
...and when you couldn't nail them,
you went after the next most likely bigot, me.
You wanted to get yourself a racist so bad...
Get off!
You'll be very happy with these, ma'am.
These roses are our top seller.
How long do they last?
They last forever, 'cause they're silk.
They'll always be in bloom.
They'll never die, never change.
They'll never say you're not good-looking.
They'll always be in your room where you left them
and not suddenly move out to the guest house.
Steven, excuse me. Something has come up.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Steven, what's going on? All the customers are depressed.
It's just I'm used to seeing Doug at the register. I miss him.
He's in the guest house.
It's 10 feet away. It's a mansion in there.
There's no cable.
Yes, there is. They have Cinemax.
But there's no HBO!
God!
Squeeze. You can feel it right here. Squeeze!
- Hey, Steve. - Come on!
Hey. How you doing?
I heard about your brother.
- So? - So when are we gonna go out?
I know a place with great spinach wraps.
Look, Emily,
I know you've had your heart set on this for a long time,
but the truth is... I mean, I'm a rebel,
and you're like this sweet girl-from-next-door type.
Steve, you're forgetting. I go to college, okay?
Translation. Drunken orgies with occasional Cliff Notes.
Look, it sounds good,
but I just got out of this very serious relationship,
and it's gonna take some time to nurse my emotional wounds,
and that could take, like, until...
- Saturday. - Saturday? That's perfect.
Your dad got us tickets to see David Copperfield this Saturday night.
It's gonna be so much fun
to see things appear and then disappear.
I'll see you.
Man. Great glutes.
I don't care.
- I don't know what you were thinking. - That's expensive.
Gotta go.
What goes on in your head when you shop for yourself?
Look at this. Who decorates like this?
Steve, come on.
"Introduction to business.
"Human relationships in management.
"Description covers the development..."
Here's one.
"Business Computer Systems." That's a good one.
Machines are Doug's thing. I'm more of a people person.
Steve, a businessman must have knowledge of computers.
Come on.
Oh, here's another one.
"Venture Management."
Gosh, Emily. School? I'll have to read.
And homework, and the teacher always asks you,
"Would you like to share that with the rest of the class?"
Don't upset me, Steve.
Unless you want to make me less horny.
No. That wouldn't be good.
Look, here's what we do.
First we combine the stores, okay?
And then we can add the furniture, you know?
Recliners and sofa beds,
and end tables and...
Chairs.
Oh, yes, chairs.
And...
- Ottomans. - Yes, ottomans.
Ottomans. We're gonna be bigger than Ikea. Home Depot.
Oh, my God.
Ikea!
Emily, I think we're moving way too fast.
You're talking like we're married.
Oh, Steve.
You just made me so happy.
What?
No, no, no. I don't mean that.
No. It's just that I don't...
Okay.
Well, if I'm not mistaken, this place has got it going on.
I owe you big time for inviting me.
Who wants to dance?
I call this one the sprinkler.
Hey. You think it would be okay to wear
this outfit to your brother's wedding?
- What? - Your brother's wedding, man.
What are you gonna wear?
Oh, God.
Man, you've got to hand it to Steve.
That Emily is the perfect woman.
Strong legs, tight stomach, a positive mental attitude.
A woman like that could really keep you on track.
Shut up!
Idiot.
Doug, just because you and your brother are having problems,
that's no reason to refer to my intellectual capacity
in a diminutive manner.
I'm sorry, Craig. It's just...
Can we not talk about my brother for a second?
Ten-four. Boundary set.
Thank you.
I am having a hell of a time.
At this moment...
I want to make a toast to Steve and Emily,
who, after tomorrow, will be Mr. and Mrs. Steven Butabi.
Emily Sanderson-Butabi.
Whoever you become.
I would also like to thank everyone for flying in to join us.
Especially my parents, who came in all the way from Maine.
Yes, yes.
Despite mom's sciatica.
Terrific, sir.
Yes, and of course, the Butabis,
who came in all the way from Yay-men.
Yemen.
And that's not the only union.
From what I understand, we got a new lamp-plant store.
Plant-lamp store. Much better.
Seriously, it sounds better.
Steve. Do you want to stand up and make a toast?
No. I'm all right.
I think you should stand up and make a toast.
All the men are making toasts, I think you should make a toast.
Okay, I just want to say, what's up?
Grandma, grandpa, and
to the other two old people, what's up?
- Yeah, you. Thanks. - Very nice.
I think what Steve is trying to say
is that we are just thrilled with the way
this family is coming together.
And now I would like to share with you some of our business plans
for after the merger.
I'm gonna get some more wine.
- Dad? Dad. - Yes?
Is there any way we can cancel this whole thing?
Yes.
No.
That is so funny, but, Dad, it's like Emily turned out
to be this whole different other person.
Let me explain something to you.
The caterer has been paid.
Your grandparents have flown halfway around the world to get here.
Besides, all men are nervous the night before their wedding, okay?
Oh, you mean all guys are nervous and anxious
and kind of hope she eats a can of botulism?
Or maybe she could hang out with a deer
and a hunter accidentally shoots her?
Or you know when she's sleeping and she makes that nose-whistle sound,
and you shake her to make her be quiet?
But what you'd really like to do
is take her stupid little red toothbrush
and ram it up her nostril into her skull?
These are perfectly normal feelings.
Okay.
Doug, you there? It's Steve.
Hi. You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm not here right now
because I'm outside living it up,
unlike my pussy-whipped brother
who's too busy throwing his life away for Emily.
Beep.
Doug, sorry I missed you.
I guess I'm getting married
and I'm just wondering
if you wanted to be my best man.
Give me a call or page me.
I'm in our room still, across from the pool.
See you.
Now, let's go over this one more time.
- Steve, I know my duty as best man. - Are you sure?
I got it. I walk down the aisle, I stand next to you,
and I get to settle any inter-wedding skirmishes.
No, no, no, no.
You're the best man, not the wedding bouncer.
You just gotta back me up.
Like if things get too heavy, I step in like a spotter.
Yeah, right.
Thanks, man.
Okay, let's go.
We're ready. Let's go.
Come on. Come on.
So I mean, do you want your kid blessed or not? It's up to you.
Richard Grieco.
How do you know Steve?
I just don't want to be sued.
No. Look, listen to me, pal.
You cannot get your kid confirmed in this city
for less than 150, all right?
Now, you want your kid blessed,
you call me, okay? It's up to you. I mean, I know a guy...
You know, Dad, I've been thinking.
I didn't really have time to have a bachelor party.
That's a pretty major part of the wedding experience.
So we may want to consider delaying a couple hours
so that we could go to a strip club or something.
Look, sorry. I gotta go. Leave me a message.
Hey.
Steve, getting married. You the man!
Shut up, Craig. I'm walking down the aisle, you dick.
Judy wore white?
Grandma, get off the phone.
Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to join together...
Father, did we already start?
Yeah.
Sorry. I thought there was supposed to be
a buzzer or a whistle or something.
To join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
But, before we do that, I understand the bride and groom
have each prepared something.
Yes.
"Dearest Steve,
"they say if you set something free and it comes back,
"you should love it forever, and, like one of your silk plants,
"I will try to stay beautiful.
"That is my endeavor.
"I know our lives together will be great,
"just like when we saw David Copperfield on our first date.
"Love, Emily."
"Emily. I used to see you outside my father's store,
"and then we went on some dates,
"and you let me have sex with you."
I'm done.
If there is anyone
who has reason to believe that this man or this woman
should not be joined together in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
What's up?
From out of town?
Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid.
It's your wedding.
You want to wait until after the ceremony, please?
Right.
Steven, do you promise to love Emily in sickness and health
for as long as you both shall live?
My dad already paid the caterer.
Emily, do you promise to love Steven in sickness and health
for as long as you both shall live?
I do.
Steven, repeat after me.
After me.
With this ring, I thee wed.
Now, Emily.
With this ring...
Doug.
What the hell's he doing here? What are you doing here?
Make him stop.
Turn that music off!
Turn it off!
You know what I paid for this wedding?
Steve, what are you doing?
Don't do that with your head. That is so dumb.
Why is he moving his stupid head?
- I can't work... - Keep going.
Let's go. You want to get paid? You idiot!
You're out of the will, that I can tell you!
This is my wedding!
I told you he was a jerk from day one.
I told you. He's such a jerk. I told you.
Emily, I'm sorry. I'm not ready yet.
- Steve, stop! - Nice poem, though. Sorry, Dad.
Steve, come back here! Steve, don't you leave me.
Steve, I'm not kidding.
- Mr. Butabi. - What?
As an actor, I'm a keen observer of human nature,
and I can tell you that your son is not ready for this sort of commitment.
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, God.
Go ahead, Father.
What?
- What are you doing? - Emily,
now with all due respect to Steve, his discipline is lacking,
as is his appreciation for you.
Now I, on the other hand, can bench press 305 pounds.
I squat a clean 525, and my body fat percentage is less than 2%.
Good.
Not only am I a professional trainer,
but I also hope to market my own protein bar someday.
Plus, I've always loved you.
Okay, but we should look into infomercials.
Okay.
This is a completely new fee. Cool?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Okay.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here again today...
Also, I took Craig clubbing.
It was all right.
Plus I rented a lot of videos.
I didn't do much else.
Look, Steve.
I'm sorry.
I said a lot of bad things before.
I've been thinking.
You're my brother, and we're brothers.
You know, when we're together...
I just...
You don't drag me down.
I drag me down...
And you...
You complete me.
Shut up.
What?
Just shut up.
You had me at "hello."
And it seems to me you're just a little bit harder on Doug
than you are on Steve. I mean, isn't that true?
It's true, it's true. It's just that Doug is always so rebellious.
I can't control him.
Yeah, but, you know, rebellious, scrappy, dreamer, I mean...
What other young man does that remind you of?
Myself as a kid.
So who are you really fighting with?
Richard Grieco, you see right through me.
I missed this car. I look good in it.
Of course you do.
And you look good also.
Thanks.
I'm really glad you moved back into the room.
Dad was pretty cool about the wedding
once he had that chat with Richard Grieco.
Yeah, and it really improved your relationship with him.
Oh, my God. Is that an outside nightclub?
No way, that's your idea!
Pull over. Let's check it out.
Right.
No one gets in unless they talk to the list.
- We're on the list. - Steve and Doug Butabi.
Butabi.
Oh, step right in.
- I'm sorry? - Go right in.
Okay.
I guess we should go in then.
Yeah.
- Okay, we're gonna... - We're gonna go in.
We're going in.
I can't believe we got in.
I know. I don't know what that's about.
You sure it wasn't a mistake?
I don't think so. It's too weird to be a mistake.
It's like they stole your idea. It's...
I know.
Butabis! I've been looking all over for you. Come here!
Get over here!
Mr. Zadir.
- How do you like our club? - Our club?
Of course. I cut you in. It was your idea.
- Sweet. - Sweet ass sweet.
It's not all sweet asses.
Running a club is hard work.
Don't worry about it, Mr. Zadir.
Yeah. We're workaholics.
Mr. Zadir, Dooey just called from Pismo Beach.
He says there's no way he could have grabbed your ass.
What is he up to now?
I just told you.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
Let's do some business.
All right.
Put a couple cherries in that.
Nice call.
- Hello, Mr. Butabi. - Hey.
Mr. Butabi, can you approve this?
Yes. That looks just fine, all that.
Good decision.
- Hi, Mr. Bartabi. - It's Butabi, but that's okay.
- How's the hair? - Good.
- Successful-club-owner good? - Absolutely.
How are these? Nice?
God, that voice sounds so familiar.
Are you...
Doug?
Credit Vixen?
My God, I can't believe this.
You're even more beautiful than you sound.
You stopped calling.
Well, not because I didn't want to.
I just...
Am I what you expected?
I totally approve.
You're not here with anyone?
Oh, just my friend.
Hottie police officer?
I was really looking forward to meeting you
at municipal court on or before June 6th.
So, do you guys want to dance?
No.
- Yes. - Yes.
Oh, I love this song.
Me, too.
Actually, I'm getting kind of sick of it.
I broke the window again.