Where's, uh,
where's the trowel?
I packed it.
Hmm.
Due north looks best.
And the, um, the cameras?
Funnel of your backpack.
You know, this landscape
has a unique topographical beauty.
Well, it reminds me of the Malay Peninsula.
Huh, other camera, Helen?
Like I said, Demetri,
this north path is gonna give us
the best chance for finding some proof.
You know, this could be
as important as those artifacts
we found in the Azores.
Boy, how long have we even doing this?
Uh,
20 years married,
20 expeditions.
Do you remember our first one?
I was the eager grad student,
you were the handsome professor.
Well, that was years ago.
Speaking of students, where are our charges?
They're already out sweeping for artifacts
but it's getting late.
We have a lot of ground to cover.
Well, if I could just find my glasses.
Demetri.
Hmm?
Oh, thank you, Professor Shuler.
You're welcome, Professor Shuler.
Wow.
Fantastic.
Got another one.
- Zander. - Hmm?
Get over here and stop stalking me.
All right.
This fish hook,
this could be 500 years old, right?
And that's two relics already.
Nicely done, Hermione.
Thanks.
Compliments gladly accepted.
Hello? Waiting.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Hmm.
So that footage you just took of me...
- Mm-hmm. - you're not gonna
download it or anything, right?
What? No.
No, it's just a record
of our first expedition, is all.
You know, yours and mine,
and the professors also.
You know, I... everybody's,
- really just expedition. - Yeah.
Well, I better not see my butt all over the internet.
Uh, Hermione, I would never do that.
- It's... - Kidding.
Kidding.
Besides, you're too nice of a guy to do that.
Hey, um, have you thought any more
about, you know,
your fellowship applications?
No, got lots of options.
Well, Northwestern is top
in Pan-Pacific Anthropology
and, you know,
I have a friend that works in that department
and he said that there's only one spot left.
So, I don't know.
I... you know, I was just thinking,
if you, like, applied
and I'm already in,
uh, well, you know,
we could keep working together.
Uh-hmm.
Sweet of you to keep my best interest,
but I got plenty of time.
Yeah.
Oh, bingo.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a hat trick.
Wow.
- Nicely done. - Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah. You know you're gonna get opposition, Nick.
Larry, it's Hawaii.
There's always opposition to development here.
Look, I'd be worried if there wasn't.
- You good to go? - Yup.
Department of Land and Natural Resources
has given me the OK.
That land is ready to be made into something,
besides a flophouse for birds, bugs, and beer bottles.
Yeah.
And the Greenies will kick up
a little dust with this stupid court hearing.
But we know how that's gonna turn out, right?
And they call themselves Hawaiian Island's First.
I'm meeting one of the warriors here in a few minutes.
Can't wait to see what kind of a tie-dyed doofus he'll be.
- I got to go. - I am that doofus
from Hawaiian Island's First.
Call me Nick.
Oh, had I known I'd be meeting such a lovely lady,
I would've worn a shirt without my breakfast on it.
Tanya McQueen.
McQueen.
Father side Scottish, I bet?
I've got a wee touch of the old sod
in me background, too.
Both sides of my family have been here
for generations, and no,
you don't have any Scottish blood
- in your background. - What?
I make a habit of researching
all my opponents.
Do we need to refer to ourselves as opponents?
Or are we simply two earnest people
on different sides of the same coin of destiny?
No? Nothing? All right.
Well, have a seat.
So, you guys are the ones
that wanna stop anything
that might actually get this state
kicking and screaming into the 21st Century.
What we wanna stop is anything
that will mar Hawaii's heritage.
There is a phrase that's very important to Native Hawaiians,
Malama 'aina, take care of the land.
Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful.
That's right up there
with, uh, whiskers on kittens
and warm woolen mittens.
Nature is what National Parks are for.
Research on the area that you want to develop,
the Hemolele Forest,
indicates that it's possibly the site
of an ancient burial ground.
These sites are the most sacred lands to Native Hawaiians
and the law prohibits the disturbance of such sites
with a fine of $10,000 a day.
That has been nothing more than a rumor
for donkey's years.
And besides, this point is moot
because the Department of Land and Natural Resources
has approved my Environmental Impact Statement.
This location can't mean that much to you
and it potentially could mean a lot to many other people.
In real estate,
location is everything.
Let me ask you something.
Who paid for your law school?
I don't see how that's any of your...
Your folks did, didn't they?
Well, yes.
And I worked some.
You know who paid for mine? Me.
You know who paid for all the clothes that I've ever worn?
Me.
Do you know what it's like to grow up poor?
I mean, really poor?
I grew up on a farm.
Let me assure you,
there is no poor like farm poor.
And guess who is never ever gonna be poor again
as soon as this deal goes through,
guilty as charged.
Well, then,
I guess I will see you at the courthouse.
Guess, you will.
Hey, excellent finds you two.
Hmm, but we're gonna need more concrete proof
this land was used for anything ceremonial.
The most likely spot for signs of a burial ground
is up there.
At least I hope so.
So, how old were you?
How old when what?
When you realized you wanted to be an anthropologist.
Oh, uh,
about eight.
Part of Kansas I grew up in had a bunch
of abandoned settler's cabins in the woods,
and I was, you know, poking around in one
and stumbled across a half-buried stash
of old arrowheads.
Nice.
Along with a snake that bit me.
Oh, not nice.
Yeah, it was my own dumb fault.
And you?
Ten.
Oh.
Let me guess, Nat Geo special?
No.
My parents were in the middle
of one of their non-stop yelling matches
and I just wanted to get out of there
and get a soda.
So I dug through my dad's change bowl
and I found this amazing
old silver dollar,
1922.
It's then that I realized
a lot had happened before I was even born
and I wanted to find out about it.
I still have that silver dollar.
And if you tell anyone I committed grand larceny,
you're dead.
It's our secret.
Demetri, does it ever get old?
What, this? How could it?
Well, coming close to not having an expedition
this summer made me wonder,
you know, what we would do without one.
Oh, well, we do have one.
Thanks for that last minute grant you found.
Are you getting moody?
You always get moody before a big discovery.
But what if we were forced to do something
entirely different for the summer
instead of what we're used to?
No, I don't wanna even think about that.
This is what we do, Helen.
We're like guardians of the past,
twin sentinels of the gates
of history.
Yeah, frozen in the same pose forever.
All right, kids. Let's go.
I'm prepared to rule on the pending motions
for Injunctive Relief blocking you, Mr. Button,
from breaking ground,
along with the Motion for Summary Judgments.
Unless, the two parties were able to come
to their own settlements?
I'll take that as no.
This Environmental Impact Statement
Mr. Button filed
has clearly been approved
and there is no mention of a possible burial site
in the State's dispensation.
Exactly, Your Honor.
Mr. Button,
don't interrupt me.
Therefore, Ms. McQueen,
I'm inclined to deny your motion
for a Summary Judgment without prejudice.
- No. - Well, I guess that is that.
Did I say you were excused,
Mr. Button?
No.
I'm tired of seeing this island
being constantly eroded
by greed and ignorance.
So I'm inclined to grant
Ms. McQueen's motion
for a Temporary Restraining Order.
- What? - Thank you, Judge...
Giving you 48 hours
to find some evidence
that this land in question is sacred.
- You cannot do that. - But only 48 hours?
You should feel lucky that you have that.
- No. No, no, no. - Yes, Your Honor.
Your Honor, as a long-time resident of Kauai
and a taxpayer, I object.
I have a lot of influential friends...
You wanna go for 72 hours?
Just keep flapping your yapper.
Ms. McQueen, I'm glad you called,
we're almost out of cellphone range.
You and your team now have only 48 hours
to find the evidence we need.
Forty-eight hours?
We found some signs of habitation so far,
but that's it.
I mean, I know your organization
is paying for my expedition
so I'd like to say it's a possibility,
but I don't wanna get your hopes up.
Continue to do everything you can on your end,
and in the meantime,
I will pore over every document Button Development
has ever filed.
There's still hope.
We've got our work cut out for us.
Button Supermall.
Button Bargain Bonanza.
Geez.
Oh.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Button.
Yeah.
I come with the gift of friendship.
Along with a stain that'll never come out.
Actually, I come with an offer.
My name is Omaka. This is my associate, Puka.
Howzit, brah?
Do you intend to bid for that track of land
in the Hemolele Forest?
That's between me and the Department of Land
and Natural Resources.
How did you track me down?
Huh? You're coming at me with this biped.
Let me see some identification.
I am a businessman, Mr. Button.
Let me be frank.
The preservation of that forest
is very important to me.
I've already had the sacred land speech today, bud.
I have a specific interest
in the plant life there.
My great-great grandfather
was a Kahuna La'au Lapa'au.
Kahuna who?
Kahuna La'au Lapa'au, brah.
A healer.
His knowledge of the rare herbs of this land
are handed down to me.
The plants and flowers that I use today,
grow in that forest
and nowhere else on Earth.
So grow your magic weeds somewhere else.
There is nowhere else.
That forest is its own microclimate.
Therefore, I'm prepared to make you an offer
to encourage you to bow out
of any purchasing of that land.
A million dollars?
As proof of my sincerity.
I should say it looks pretty sincere,
Mr. Omaka, is it?
Assuming this check is real,
after I develop that land,
it'll be worth 10 times this amount.
Not everything is about money.
Says the man handing out million dollar checks.
Look, here's the deal,
in two days, I'm gonna break ground on that land
and nothing's gonna stop me,
not even the crazy notion
that that land has some sort of history.
- History? - Yeah, yeah.
Like an... like an artifact,
which ain't gonna show up in two days
or in two centuries.
OK? So, how about this?
I think we're done here.
Puka.
Hey, what the heck.
Puka, who knows that forest
better than we do?
If it comes down to an artifact,
we're gonna have to find it ourselves.
Shoots, yeah, boss.
All right. We've established that this area
was pretty well-inhabited,
so, um, lava rock, poi pounders,
hematite sling stones, that sort of thing,
they'll be showing up pretty regularly.
But spirit talisman is what we're after.
- What size? - Any size.
OK.
We'll split into twos,
dividing experience with youth.
We'll regroup here in two hours
to finish setting up camp.
Since we're out of cellphone range,
make sure you can stay together.
Yeah, if you see anything,
just give a holler.
And make sure you have plenty of water
and protein bars in your packs.
What?
Nothing. It's just,
you know, your, uh,
your hair looks really...
good that way.
Just getting it out of my face is all.
Yeah.
You have a smudge of chocolate
on your cheek.
I do? Here?
No. Here.
Yeah.
All right. I got three bottles of water,
camping knife,
and, uh,
snack bars.
Were we ever like them back in the day?
Hmm? Like who?
Those two.
Oh, is that what's making you moody?
Oh, Helen, come on, now, they're just kids at play.
We were nothing like them. We were much more organized.
Where's the sunscreen?
You got some, uh, schmutz on your face.
All right. Hermione, you're with me.
Zander, you stay with Professor Shuler.
- Let's go. - Mm-hmm.
This way.
This way I think, Hermione.
Uh, I might say that way, professor.
Well, oh, I have to confess,
direction's never been my strong suit.
It's more my wife's department.
You know, I got to say your wife
has been a real role model for me.
She's so smart
and so good at what she does.
Oh, well, now Hermione,
you're very smart, too.
Just keep your eye on your studies
and your career just as my wife always has,
I'm sure you'll find your chosen path.
Yes, definitely this way.
I think that way.
Wow, this stuff is really thick.
No doubt this is why
nothing has been found before.
This forest is really... beautiful.
I mean, it's almost magical,
for lack of a better word.
Yeah.
You know, I'm usually so involved in my field work,
I fail to notice the esoteric factor
of the surroundings,
much the way Hermione doesn't notice
your feelings for her.
Oh, gosh.
Am I that obvious?
Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
No, I'm not...
I'm not embarrassed. I just...
I don't... I don't know what I am.
I... I'm a wreck.
Every time I try to take even
a small step closer,
she just...
dances away from me.
Some women don't like to feel pressured.
How do you know so much?
Human culture
and the human condition?
Human culture, maybe. Human condition,
I'm just finding my way like the rest of us.
Yeah, but you and your husband have been together
for like 20 years.
Is there some secret
to keeping him attentive?
Well, love is... It's not about secrets.
It's quite the opposite.
It's about...
revealing yourself to another.
Well, it's much safer
to keep a part of yourself hidden
whether it's for 20 days
or 20 years.
Oh, oh.
Uh, it seems we took a major wrong turn.
Let's try this way.
You can say that again.
- Shall we go? - Yeah. This way.
Oh, what's that one?
Aali'i, good for bee stings.
Stay alert now. We're looking for something
that appears to be made by an ancient hand.
What's that plant?
Oh, hinahina, good for skin rash.
What's up with this one?
O'hia Lehua,
it eases the pain of child birth.
Gee, do you know everything, Omaka?
I know there are some parts of this forest
even I am not familiar with.
The deeper we get,
I see more and more rare species.
Oh,
what about that?
Kukui, that's a laxative.
Ugh.
That give me chicken skin big time.
Is it OK if Zander and I go check out
- that waterfall we're hearing? - Of course.
Yeah, it'll be dark soon.
Just make sure you're back before then.
Yeah, and watch your step, it can be slippery around those things.
Hmm, it's OK, if I start to fall, you'll grab on to me, right?
I would, um...
Uh, yeah.
♫ It was a story ♫
♫ Someone once told me ♫
♫ That said love that's true ♫
♫ Comes back to you ♫
♫ If you set it free ♫
Isn't this great?
Yeah.
- Come on. - OK.
♫ So I've been waiting patiently ♫
♫ For love to come again ♫
♫ You here with me ♫
♫ Feels like destiny ♫
♫ Day and nights ahead ♫
♫ We had promised ♫
♫ To hold on tight forever ♫
♫ When I let go ♫
♫ Once you let go ♫
♫ When we lost one another ♫
♫ And we were broken ♫
♫ Hanging on by a wire ♫
♫ We didn't know how ♫
♫ To pull our love ♫
♫ Out from the fire ♫
♫ But by the grace ♫
♫ Of something bigger ♫
♫ We are back again together ♫
♫ And now I know I'll never... ♫
All right, so,
latitude 22.145 north,
longitude
minus 159.1485 west,
that should be the most direct route
for tomorrow's foray.
Demetri.
Or 156.97 west.
Demetri, look at me.
Hmm? Huh? What is it?
Oh, your hair.
That's not very practical, is it?
I mean, insects and things?
Remember that dung beetle we saw at Kathmandu?
Oh, it was a nasty creature.
Demetri Shuler, why must you always be so practical?
Excuse me?
Why must you always
be so practical?
Well, I'm not practical.
- Hmm. - Well, I mean, not always.
Ugh.
Oh, Helen, you're confusing me.
What... this outburst is not like you.
Well, maybe I don't wanna be like me.
We're in this beautiful, magical place,
and all you're talking about is insects
and practicality.
I don't wanna be practical right now.
I wanna make love in a forest.
Oh, Helen, please, not in front of them...
What? I don't care.
It is not even Saturday morning.
Ugh,
Demetri!
What just happened?
This forest is made from love.
It should be filled with lovers.
Oh.
- That's the prettiest one yet. - Oh!
Don't touch it.
That's very powerful and very rare.
It's the Pua Mali. The "Marry Me" flower.
"Marry Me" flower?
One drop from its nectar
into someone's eyes
gives a hypnotic effect.
The next person they see,
they will have a deep affection for,
perhaps, even love.
It's way better than a laxative.
Today I saw a charming and sad woman
being rebuffed by her own husband.
It's a pity we can't use it on him.
Yeah? How come not?
Because that would be meddling
in other people's lives
and we are here on a much more
important mission, my friend.
Meddling...
or fixing?
I hope you don't mind me saying this professor,
but I'm envious
of what you and your wife have.
She is amazing.
To tell you the truth,
she amazes me sometimes.
How is it that a member of our own species
can have the same blood chemistry,
the same cellular replication ratio,
be so similar in so many different ways,
and yet be so...
unbelievably different?
That, my boy, is the very first question
any man asked about any woman.
Well, do you feel like women
are ever really knowable?
And that's the second.
All these filings
without a single error?
Nobody is this thorough.
And why is there nothing on you
before the age of 25?
What are you hiding?
There's so much at stake here.
You make a move. I'm on you.
Hmm,
this thing looks interesting.
Whoa,
you're up early, professor.
Any coffee yet?
Oh, not yet, but I can make some.
Oh, no worries.
I'll just drink in the scenery.
I love your hair down by the way.
I'm glad somebody noticed.
You are aware that Zander's
in love with you, aren't you?
What?
No, oh, no, no, no, no.
No, it's pretty clear.
I mean, he might have a crush
but that's all.
Zander is a really nice guy,
and I don't wanna hurt him
but a lot of guys
have a lot of crushes on me,
and they all get over me eventually.
He will, too.
A relationship is the last thing
on my radar.
You know, forgive me for saying this
but I really feel like...
you might be missing a chance
for something meaningful.
Look, I've seen the way
a long-term relationship can turn.
My parents used to love each other and now,
they can't even stand to be in the same room.
Why would I wanna waste my life
away like that?
- Oh, no, offense. - Oh.
You wanna go check out that waterfall out there?
- It's beautiful. - Sure, yeah.
That's got to be the pretty lady
and this must be the re-buffalo guy.
You're getting dosed, brah.
Oh, I forgot my camera. Sorry to wake you.
Oh.
Are you OK?
I feel a little dizzy. I think I might have
sat up too fast.
Take it easy.
Well, you know... You know what, professor,
you were always so nice to me.
I really appreciate that.
You're welcome, Zander.
Since you're up, I'm going to start coffee
because we have a very big day ahead of us.
There you go again, being nice.
Oh, it's just coffee.
It's not Thanksgiving dinner, Zander.
And you are funny, too.
I like people that are funny.
I can't stop laughing.
Zander, I don't think you're awake yet.
Why don't you just sit here and wait till the cobwebs clear
from your brain and I'll make the coffee.
No, no, no, let me do it.
OK? You are always doing everything for everybody else
and nobody ever does anything for you.
It's OK. Just relax.
No, I am relaxed.
Yeah, I'm very relaxed. In fact,
I'm feeling more and more relaxed by the second.
You know, does being in this forest
make you like really happy
because it makes me feel really happy.
Zander, are you sure you're feeling OK?
I have never felt better before.
- Look at me. - Hmm?
Oh. Hi.
- Hello. - Zander.
- Aloha. - Your pupils
- are a little dilated. - Uh-hmm.
But it doesn't feel like you have a fever,
so...
Oh, your hands are so soft.
Did you eat or drink something
before you went to sleep?
Only a big bite of truth
and a sip of reality.
- What? - Yeah, that talk
we had yesterday? You were so considerate
when I told you about my feelings for Hermione.
And I think somehow that changed my feelings for her
and, you know what, I think it's starting
to change my feelings for you.
Um, what's going on here?
Well, I was just saying how I used to have feelings for you, but I don't anymore.
And now, I think I'm starting to have feelings for Helen
- and they seem to be growing. - OK.
- Did you do something to him? - No, of course, not.
Do you know if he sleepwalks?
Uh, how would I know that?
Is it OK that I have feelings for you, professor?
I mean, you must have feelings for me
because nobody could be that nice
and not have feelings.
Zander, wake up.
- How do I like you? - Zander.
I will count the reasons.
I like your hair.
I like your clothes.
I like that you're smart.
I like that you are funny.
Thanksgiving dinner,
that one was great.
Could it be food poisoning?
No, it's neurological.
It's not gastric.
It could a toxic bug bite.
I like that you have knowledge
of the medical insect kingdom.
Whatever it is, we need to get him to a doctor.
And I love that you have a plan.
Yeah, you always have a plan.
Stop talking.
How can I prove my feelings to you?
Flowers for my lady.
I will pick you the most beautiful bouquet.
- Oh, wait... - Oh, well... no... oh, Zander.
- Zander! - Wait.
Oh.
Oh, geez.
Lord, what fools these malahinis be?
You used the Marry Me flower on him, didn't you?
Yes, but he's in love, boss.
Not only is what you did wrong,
but you used it on the wrong man.
Oh!
My bad.
This is very upsetting.
I don't have time to deal with this
and look for artifacts.
I'm sorry.
I'll fix it. Show me and I will.
The solution is right here.
The Ho'ola'i flower.
Take the pollen, add water,
and dab it on him.
That should be the antidote.
Got it. The antidote.
And then come back here so we can continue with our search.
Will do, boss,
in a minute.
Larry, talk to me.
Somebody is on your land, buddy.
Ugh, so the Greenies are out there snooping around?
Hey, well, they only got 24 hours left.
What the hell can they dig up in 24 hours?
Are you kidding?
You're right, a lot.
Look, if they find one of those artifact thingies,
I am dead in the water.
Unless I find them first.
- Hey, Larry, I got to go. - A hui ho...
Yeah. Hui hou yourself.
- Oh. - Zander.
Stop, you might be having a reaction to those plants.
What, you're a botanist now?
I don't think so.
Uh.
Oh, Helen. Look at the pretty flowers I got for you.
Put those down. You could be having an allergic reaction to them.
Exactly what I just said.
No, the only thing I'm having allergic reaction to
is the fact that she's still here.
- I'm with Helen now. - No, you're not.
You did do something to him, didn't you?
Well, I didn't do anything to him.
Pretty lady,
pretty forest,
pretty flowers.
My dad said the '60s were a lot like this.
I love the '60s.
Here's what were gonna do, I'm gonna fetch Demetri
so we can get him to a doctor.
And then the three of us
can continue searching for an artifact.
- Zander, just stay right here. - OK.
Watch him. Make sure he doesn't follow a white rabbit down a hole or something.
Oh, I'll be waiting here, darling.
For God's sake, Zander.
She's twice your age.
Time to blow it up.
Ka-bamm.
Oh, Demetri,
thank goodness you're awake.
There is something wrong with Zander.
Good morning.
Good morning, Demetri.
Zander, he's...
Oh, you look very nice this morning.
Thank you. Listen,
he is having some kind of allergic reaction.
Some kind of weird reaction is going on with...
You know, I have to apologize to you
for not fully appreciating your appearance yesterday.
You... you're a beautiful woman
and... no, I don't tell you that enough.
Thank you. But now is not the time.
I feel good this morning.
Do you feel good?
I feel wonderful. You know, it...
And Helen, I can see.
I don't need my glasses.
It must be this forest.
Oh, Helen, you are right about this wonderful place.
- Oh, no. - As a matter of fact,
I feel better by the moment.
Wait, by better, do you mean like
a sense of euphoria, disorientation?
Yes, yes, that's exactly right.
You are so astute.
Then do I look
unusually attractive to you right now?
As a matter of fact,
you do.
Oh,
well, snap out of it.
I am sorry that your wife has ended it
in such a final way, professor.
She is admitting her feelings for me.
- For him? - For me. For you.
Oh, enough with the flowers already.
And you were supposed to hang onto him.
He's all sweaty,
and slippery,
and you try to catch him. He...
It's important that you know Helen
and my real feelings,
I am falling... No, better yet,
I have fallen in love with her.
Please, don't be ridiculous.
I'm the one in love with Helen and she's in love with me.
Helen, tell him about the mad soaring passion
we have for each other.
Mad soaring passion,
I can't even get you to notice my hair.
Oh, I noticed it
and I will continue to notice it every single day.
Excuse me, you are in my way. Go on.
Oh.
- The highlights. - Zander.
The way that it shimmers in the sunlight.
- Zander. - Yeah. Zander.
Zander?
What?
What about my hair?
Eh.
- Eh? - Eh.
- What do you mean, eh? - Eh.
Yesterday you were all,
"Oh, Hermione, your hair look so good."
Oh, Hermione, come to Northwestern with me.
Oh, Hermione, my tongue hangs out
- "when I see you in a bikini." - Yeah, that was yesterday,
Hermione, when I was a boy.
Today, Helen has made me into a man.
That had better be a metaphor.
OK. Look, you're pretty and your smart
but I see things in...
a completely different way now.
I mean you're so used to having guys fall at your feet
that you don't even realize how terrible
you're treating them.
Actually you're kind of like a diva.
Oh, hey.
Oh, whoa, whoa,
Hermione, OK listen, calm down.
It is not him talking.
Stay calm. Yeah.
He didn't call you a diva.
That's because she isn't and you are.
- Oh. - Listen, listen, listen, listen,
something is wrong with these two.
It's just its freaking me out.
How can he love me one day
and not the next day.
OK. Calm down. Listen, listen,
and you don't even love him anyway.
- Who says? - You said that yesterday.
See how freaked out I am. I...
OK. OK. OK. Calm down.
We need to get them to a doctor.
Can you hang on until then?
Please.
Where's that stupid map.
Oh, oh, oh.
Puka.
Where are you, Puka?
There's a parking lot for campers
just a few miles away.
If we can get there we can,
you know, flag someone down and get us into to town.
Come on. Helen.
Anyone can see
this child isn't worthy of you.
Yeah, and this senior citizen is so old
that he can't even see your incredibleness.
Incredibleness?
Seriously, what are you, 12?
Twelve? You wanna see twelve?
I'm not arm-wrestling for my wife.
Then you're the one that's 12 because any real man knows
that you have to fight for the woman you love.
- This way is shorter. - But this way,
we don't have to cross the river.
You are going down, grandpa. You're weak.
Oh-ho, I'll have you know,
I rowed for the Cambridge Blues
and we won Henley Regatta.
I don't even know what that means.
This is solid muscle.
Yeah, solid muscle racing towards a heart attack.
Oh, you're the one headed for a heart attack, little boy.
Oh, yeah, from laughing at you.
OK. OK. What... stop it. Stop it.
What are we, uh... Recess at the playground.
- He started it. - Well, I'm finishing it.
The two of you are going with us, and we're all headed into town.
Ha. This old bag of bones will never make it all the way to town.
Bag of bones, bag of bones,
I'll show you bag of bones.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh. - Demetri.
Helen, this is your past.
Take a look at your future.
OK.
Oh, professor, what is happening?
I wish I knew.
If I was freaked out before,
I've doubled down.
I don't know if I can even handle this.
- Just look away. - I can't.
That's the problem, but really,
I just... I need some alone time, OK?
No, no, no, no, you cannot leave me with these two.
Every moment we waste on them we're losing precious time on our search.
I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just...
I'm seeing things that I can't un-see.
No. Oh.
All right.
Stop this ridiculous
and counter-productive behavior right now.
You, put your shirt on and go and get Hermione.
Ah, do I have to?
- Yes, you do. - Ugh, dang it.
Now, well, I see you finally made your choice.
And you, put your shirt on too.
You know you get sunburned.
OK, Hermione. You're not a bad person.
You're kind to animals.
You tip 20%,
you care about the environment.
Who cares these guys think they're hot?
Oh, my God.
What kind of people refer to themselves as hot?
Divas.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Have some water, Demetri.
That's enough.
Have a little more.
Stop.
Stand on one foot.
Hop up and down.
Recite the four principles of cultural anthropology.
Multiculturalism,
cultural relativism, Ethnocentrism, uh...
Stop.
OK.
Well, since you'll do anything I say,
here what we're gonna do.
You're gonna stay right by my side.
We're gonna find the others and we're gonna get out of here.
Yeah, but before we do,
I have to apologize for taking you for granted
all these years.
You are the most beautiful,
wonderful person on the planet.
I know
and I know that now.
OK, Demetri.
But wait, why so sad?
Because it took some kind of weird chemical reaction
for you to say that.
And once it wears off,
you'll be back to your old self.
Then I never want it to wear off.
Oh, but it has to. I mean goodness, those...
I have wished for this...
but it's not right.
It could do you some permanent damage.
How can love do me damage?
Well, you've already forgot to look for the artifacts.
Oh. Oh the artifacts.
- Oh, you're right. - Yeah.
Yeah, I have forgotten about that
but I love that you helped me remember.
Oh, we need to get you to a doctor.
And I love that you are concerned about me.
- Fine, Demetri. - And I love the fact that...
Ah.
Sorry.
If I were a greenie,
where would I be?
Oh.
Ow. Ah.
Come on. No, no, no.
Bug bite or no bug bite,
why would he want me to go to Northwestern with him
if he didn't really like me?
Excuse me.
Hi, hello. Hi. Uh, could you help me here, please?
I seem to be stuck between a log and a hard place.
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Let me find me a branch or something
to pry you out of there.
OK. I'll just wait right here.
Can I ask you something about this forest?
Do you know if there are any naturally-occurring endorphins
found in the plants around here
or in the spores in the air
that might affect the neurological system?
Are there what now?
Oh, you know, weird forest stuff
that might make people go psycho?
I hope not.
Because there are these two guys I'm with
that are on like this really bad trip.
They keep running around, taking their clothes off.
Acting like gorillas, they might even get violent.
OK. You know what? Just run along,
I'll manage this, OK?
- I'll get unstuck myself. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
I'm Hermione, by the way.
Hi, I'm, uh, Jack.
So you and these bad trip guys,
what are you doing out here?
Well,
we're trying to find an artifact.
Oh.
Oh, are you OK?
- An artifact? - Yeah.
We're being financed by a lawyer
to keep some jackass from buying this forest
and bulldozing it.
McQueen.
I thought we were getting pretty close
until the guys started acting all Looney Tunes.
Pretty close? Pretty close where?
Near the waterfall.
Can I ask you something else?
If someone clearly liked you
and they complimented you all the time
which he did and then
all of a sudden they just stopped
and started insulting you, actually,
wouldn't that kind of confuse you?
Big waterfall or little waterfall?
And then if you had to stand there
and watch him fall for someone else,
wouldn't that make you jealous?
Even if you weren't sure how
you felt about him in the first place?
Waterfall, which way?
And wouldn't it really stir you up
if you realized you might be losing something
you weren't even sure you wanted?
I mean, am I crazy
or is it love? I...
Which way?
- There, there. - Yeah.
OK. Yeah, thanks, kid.
Good luck with the bad trip guys.
Is in love?
I... Oh...
How?
Oh.
Hey. Thanks.
You really helped me.
I'm more tired than I thought.
OK.
I'm just gonna rest.
Hi.
- Where's Hermione? - I couldn't find her.
I missed you too much. Packing up, is he?
You told him to go? Good riddance.
We're all gonna pack up and go.
- Get your stuff. - Oh, no, no, wait a second.
Look, don't you feel that your marriage
has run its course? I mean with me,
you can have a fresh start.
Just think.
Every morning we would awaken,
and it would be like our wedding day.
Every night,
would be like our honeymoon.
- Zander, honestly... - Zander, you and me,
- we need to talk. - Yes, we do. Right now.
Well, we all need to talk
as we walk and look for Hermione.
Pack up the stuff
and douse that fire.
This isn't over.
Not by a long shot.
Haven't you gotten it by now?
You're not nearly mature enough for Helen.
Oh, maturity is a process.
Passion on the other hand
cannot be taught.
OK.
Less talking more walking.
- Hermione? - So you don't think
I have any passion, huh?
I know you don't have any passion.
Well,
how's this for passion?
- Oh. - Hermione?
Oh, really, professor? You're gonna stoop to this?
Oh, you're the one who told me
a man needs to fight for the woman he loves.
Wait, whoa, guys, guys, guys, no, no, no, no, no, no,
you don't need to fight for me, nothing like that, OK?
Come on.
I mean, no one's ever fought for me before
but seriously, what are you gonna do?
Joust for my handkerchief?
Is that right?
- This is on, this is on. - Enough.
Hermione?
- Hermione? - Oh.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Now, all right.
- All right. - Why you...
- You asked for it. - You'll regret
Hey,
are you kidding me? What?
Can't you see? You're upsetting Helen.
I'm not upsetting Helen.
Stop! Ugh.
You fight like a grandma.
Ah, you're so ugly.
Ah.
You smell like a grandpa's foot.
Now, I'm gonna make you squeal
- like a little girl. - What?
- Don't cry, don't cry. - Stop. Stop.
You're really gonna hurt each other!
Get up, get up now.
- All right. - OK.
Let's see... let's see
if you are as slow
as you are weak, huh?
Ooh, a foot race?
- Ready, set, go. - No. Hey, no.
No, no, no.
Guys...
- I'm so good at that. - Oh, now as fun as this is,
it's getting exhausting.
Guys.
That girl wasn't joking
about those bad trip guys.
Woo.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh.
Oh, OK, let me think about this.
Think about it, think about it.
OK. If you turn it in, you're a hero.
Oh, but you lose the land.
OK. OK.
But if I get rid of it,
I'm a criminal
and I'm set for life.
Oh, what to do?
What to do?
Easiest decision I ever made.
Demetri?
Zander?
- Helen. - Hermione.
Oh, there you are, finally.
Oh, my gosh, thank goodness.
I was really worried about you.
Yeah, sorry.
I got turned around.
This forest is...
- kind of confusing. - Yeah.
And here, I just...
oh.
Look, I'm sorry about the way I left, professor.
Don't worry about it.
Where are the guys?
Well, I was hoping around here.
They were fighting
and then they ran off
and, uh... it's like herding cats with these two.
Fighting? What'd they do, get out their diplomas
and give each other paper cuts?
Yeah, well, however,
we may have lost our last chance
of saving this forest.
Well,
I don't wanna give up.
We still have a little bit of time,
what do you say, huh?
Well, I'll tell you what?
We find the guys
and tie them to a tree if we have to
and we continue the search ourselves.
- Huh, deal. - Good.
You know, for all of their insanity,
what would we do without men?
Oh, well the world would be
half as populated, crime free,
and a lot more organized.
Puka.
To blow it up
or not to blow it up?
That ain't even a question.
Ka-bam.
Ms. McQueen?
Ms. McQueen, wake up.
Mr. Button?
Ms. McQueen, what are you doing out here?
Oh, I'm a little dizzy.
- Are you OK? - I...
Uh, I don't know.
Level with me, McQueen,
do you have a team out here looking for a tiki?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Yes, yeah, I knew it.
I'm not surprised you're on top of things.
Your filings show how smart you've been
all this time,
not a comma out of place.
You went through my filings?
They are a matter of public record
but there is something else
I just can't quite remember what it was...
Nick.
Nick?
What are we friends now?
Look you're trying to ruin me
remember that, McQueen?
Aren't you the one who said
we don't need to be adversaries?
Right now, I don't feel like
being your adversary.
In fact...
I feel...
wonderful.
Woo.
Oh, this forest is so beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, it's a forest.
It's the most beautiful forest
in the whole world.
I've never really seen it before.
I spent my whole career dealing with people like you
but I don't wanna fight with you right now, Nick.
What's happening to me?
Hell if I know.
Hell if I know...
Tanya.
Tanya?
There's a waterfall,
up the hill.
- We could go for a swim. - Oh, yeah.
No, no, no, I've seen it before.
But you haven't seen it with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I don't have a suit or anything
so we can't really.
And that's a problem because?
Hermione,
you know that it's my husband
that I love, right?
You know I never encouraged Zander,
top to toe, I mean, he's a fine young man.
I think I'm starting to see
how fine he is
or was anyway.
I guess I just got weirded out
seeing him chase you.
I'm used to guys, you know...
Chasing you, that's OK.
I remember when guys used to chase me
when I was young.
Well, Demetri really.
He saw me for...
what I really was and,
you know,
and he was so kind
and smart.
Like Zander.
Hmm.
I just hope the guys are OK.
I don't want Zander to get hurt...
ever.
Hi, Helen, my darling.
Helen, my sweetheart.
Where is that tree we can tie them to again?
Isn't this just beautiful?
Whoever made this paradise
wanted us to be happy, Nick.
I know I'm happy,
aren't you?
Happy?
I don't...
wait, hold it,
hold on a second here.
I must be losing my mind.
You're trying to entrap me.
You... one minute, you're trying to shut me down
and the next you're acting like
you're falling in love with me.
Oh, love.
What is love?
I... to tell you the truth,
I've never really even thought about it.
Is it a curse?
Is it a blessing?
Can we ever figure it out?
Are we supposed to figure it out?
I've been able to figure everything out in my life.
And right now, I can't figure this out.
Isn't that wonderful?
McQueen.
Tanya.
The thing is,
the way I feel right now,
I think it's happening to me
with you.
You talked about how you spent your whole life fighting.
I'm sure that's why your hands are so strong,
they've had to be.
And so are mine,
we are so similar in so many ways.
Think of the team we would make if we were on the same side.
My social consciousness, your business skills,
we would be unstoppable
in everything,
Nick.
McQueen...
Tanya,
look, you are a beautiful woman
in so many ways...
and you...
you do me an honor that I don't deserve.
It almost makes me wanna confess something.
Well, let me go first.
It's been a long time since I've been kissed.
And right here in this forest,
it would be the perfect opportunity.
Now, you go.
How about...
no, wait, just give me a second,
you know, to think.
I'm not going anywhere.
Zander and I have stopped fighting
because we've come to a conclusion.
You have to choose between us, once and for all.
Oh, shut up.
Helen, Helen, my days of taking you for granted
are done.
We'll start our love afresh, and this will be day one.
My feelings for Hermione were merely
an infatuation.
I put you up on a pedestal,
ignored your flaws.
But now I realize
I'm meant for deeper love.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh.
I'm very angry about this, Puka.
How can you be angry about love?
This is not love.
This is chaos.
The ho'ola'i vine,
the pollen from the flowers
mixed in with this rain
might help them.
If only we could gather them
all under the flowers.
No problem.
Let's go, guys.
Let's get out of here.
Everyone under the tree.
What did you do to me?
What did I do to you?
You were the one who was coming on to me.
- I was, wasn't I? - Yeah.
I must have eaten some bad sushi.
Oh, oh, yeah, that must have been it, yeah.
Thank you very much.
Wait, you were about to confess something.
Oh, uh-uh, uh-uh lady.
I'm not gonna fall for your tricks again, OK?
That's not happening.
I must apologize for my complete
lack of professionalism,
but whatever was happening to me,
doesn't change the fact that there's something
extraordinary about this forest.
You have to see that now.
I'm asking you again, hold off your development until it can be studied.
Come on, that's been your game the whole time,
hasn't it? Yeah.
Your people didn't find any artifacts here,
did they?
No, no, I didn't think so.
And they never will.
Wait,
the real reason I came here,
uh, in my altered state,
I couldn't quite remember
what it was.
But here, I wanted you to see this.
How?
Where did you get this?
That took some doing
but it's from a newspaper archive.
That's the farm you were talking about, isn't it?
And it was here on Kauai.
That boy, that's you.
I haven't seen this picture in 30 years.
Your background is practically non-existent.
It's because you changed your last name.
Why?
Why does anyone?
To start over.
This is my grandpa's farm.
My dad, he worked like a dog to save it
and when the bottom dropped out
of the sugar cane market it, uh,
it ruined him.
He was a good man,
and he deserved better than that.
You think this changes anything?
Uh-uh.
This picture,
this is why
I wanna develop the land
so I can prove that you could actually
make a living off it.
This island has always been your home,
doesn't it still speak to you?
Memories are all about the past.
And that's where they belong.
I feel like I just woke up from the weirdest dream.
I was as...
I was running around and then,
I got in a fight with Professor Shuler.
Did I hurt him?
I completely sidetracked our search.
We have to get back out there right now.
- We need to get back to... - Whoa, oh, slow down.
We need to get whatever went through you time
to fully dissipate.
- Yeah. - Here.
Here's some water.
Thanks.
There were a few things that you said, Zander.
I know.
OK. And I'm so sorry.
No. They were all things that I needed to hear,
about you
putting me on a pedestal for one.
Oh, this is so humiliating.
Shouldn't be,
not for you at least.
You see, the thing is,
I knew that I was, I just...
I guess I got used to it
and I took it for granted.
Then there were my flaws
that you were all too happy to point out.
- Hermione. - Zander, you were right.
And I guess my worst flaw of all
was that I was just shamelessly flirting with you...
and I didn't care about how it might confuse you,
or make you feel.
- It's OK. - No.
I owe you an apology.
And I guess all this craziness
actually worked out because it taught me
something really important.
And that's...
what it's like to have real affection for someone
and... to not have it returned.
And it's awful,
really, really awful.
Yeah.
And I was scared.
I was scared that...
because of the way that I'd been
that I had lost you.
No.
And that felt even worse.
I have like... My hands are shaking.
Oh, no, it's just because
you're cold and you're wet.
No, it's not that.
That deeper,
more meaningful place you talked about with Helen,
I don't suppose you'd wanna go there with me.
I mean, maybe someday.
I think you already know the answer to that question.
It's just so possible
that I love you,
Zander Oakley.
And it's just as possible
that I love you.
How many fingers?
Two.
Oh, my shoulders.
My... what was I...
Feels like I was wrestling with someone.
Yeah, Zander.
You don't remember?
Zander and I were fighting?
Oh, my Lord, did I hurt him?
It's a long story.
Oh, on my behavior, I am... I am so sorry.
I don't have any explanation for any of it.
I just... I don't know where to start with my apologies.
It's OK.
Clearly, it wasn't you.
Oh, well, that's just it, isn't it?
It was.
In a way,
I do remember one thing.
I remember I made you sad, didn't I?
You were sad
that I was paying attention to you only
because I was out of my mind.
Well, that's terrible.
Are you all right?
Are we all right?
I want us to be. I don't know.
I mean, it's pretty hard to go from no attention
to too much attention.
It's... yeah.
Oh, I don't know
when I started taking you for granted
but it... it's not right.
It never has been.
You know, I was so concerned with what you weren't
that I...
I've really lost track of what you were.
I'm so,
so sorry
that it took whatever happened to me
to make me say what I've known all along
and I just haven't told you enough,
which is that you are the most
important person in my life.
And I'm gonna spend every day
proving it to you
from now on,
that's my deepest wish.
Well, you know,
sometimes, a wish is a good place to start.
- You know what else I remember? - Uh-uh.
Clear as day,
it's how beautiful everything was.
Uh-hmm.
And how it pales
next to you.
Love sees not with the eyes
but with the mind.
Therefore,
is winged Cupid painted blind.
I love you, Professor Shuler.
♫ And it's not even
♫ Saturday morning
Ah, another Marry Me flower.
Oh.
Wow.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
- Hold on a second. - We've said all we have to say.
No, no, no, Tanya, please. Just give me a minute.
I know that this has been...
a crazy day.
But what you said about this island speaking to me,
I can't stop thinking about that.
And I don't know why this is happening right now
but I think it has something to do with you.
Is that so?
Yeah.
This forest, it isn't just any forest.
I used to play here when I was a kid.
I mean, this whole corner of the island
was like our own personal playground.
And my brothers and my sisters and I,
we would come and we would play
hide and go seek out here.
I remember smelling
the leftover sugar cane
burning in the cane fields
and laying down and looking up
at a trillion stars.
I mean, the sky is like lace above us.
I haven't thought about that
in the longest time.
I started to confess something earlier to you.
And it's time that I did.
And I know I'm gonna hit myself in the morning.
OK.
You know how you said that this land is sacred?
Well, you were right.
That artifact that your friends were looking for,
I found it.
- You what? - Yeah.
It's a carved stone tiki
and I found it here in the forest.
I threw it in the waterfall,
but I'll show you exactly where it is
and I will give up any rights
I have to this land.
Oh, my gosh.
Do you know what this means?
All too well.
And look, I'll take any consequence they give me.
I'll pay any fine,
but I cannot fight
an entire forest anymore.
Not anymore.
Nick.
Why now?
I don't know.
But I think you have something to do with this.
I think you should give yourself a little credit.
Who would have thought that I'd do the right thing?
Me.
Malama 'aina, right?
Take care of the land.
Boss, boss, that Nick guy,
he found a tiki.
He what? Are you sure?
Yeah, he was hiding it but he just confessed.
- You know why? - Why?
Because I made him fall in love with the forest.
How did you do that?
I dosed him with the Marry Me flower.
This is not the Marry Me flower.
This is good for athlete's foot.
Athlete's foot?
So we have until tomorrow
to find an artifact.
Yeah, but even if we pass the deadline,
doesn't mean we have to stop searching.
We should get the guys looked at.
- Who knows what they'll find? - Are you good?
You mean like a toxin
or a foreign substance of some kind?
More like a dream
past the wit of man
to say what dream it was.
Oh, we're back in cell phone range.
Tanya, hi.
We... what?
What?
- What, what, what, what, what? - That's amazing news.
What's going on? What's happening?
They found a tiki. Somebody found a tiki.
- They what? - Oh, my gosh.
- Yes. - Are you even kidding me?
Let's go.
What a beautiful specimen.
Absolutely.
Uh, how old?
About 500 years.
The fine I paid,
public service I did,
it was worth it to make this happen.
You had a good lawyer.
I'm the luckiest man in Hawaii.
No, you're the luckiest man in the world.
So what exactly does this tiki represent again?
It's a tribute to La'au Lapa'au.
The power of healing.
Thank you.
Mahalo.
I guess all is well that ends well, eh, boss?
No thanks to you, Puka.
I think a lot of thanks to me.
Just don't ever do it again.
Who, me? I wouldn't dream of it.
♫ It was a story ♫
♫ That someone once told me ♫
♫ It said love that's true Comes back to you ♫
♫ You set me free ♫
♫ And I am learning ♫
♫ Sometimes fate has a plan ♫
♫ So I've been Waiting patiently ♫
♫ For love to come again ♫
♫ You here with me ♫
♫ Feels like destiny ♫
♫ Playing out its hand ♫
♫ We promised ♫
♫ To hold on tight forever ♫
♫ When I let go And you let go ♫
♫ And lost one another ♫
♫ And we were broken ♫
♫ And hanging on by a wire
♫ We didn't know how ♫
♫ To pull our love out From the fire ♫
♫ By the grace Of something bigger ♫
♫ We are back again together ♫
♫ Now I know I'll never ♫
♫ Ever let you go again ♫
♫ I will never ♫
♫ Let you go again ♫
♫ I will never ♫
♫ Let you go again ♫
♫ I will never ♫
♫ Let you go again ♫
♫ I will never ♫
♫ Let you go again ♫