Anthony (2014)
Santa!
Come on.
Santa.
Help!
You prick.
It's your fault.
What?
Pissing about.
As always.
You what?
You were.
Otherwise why did I crash, for the benefit of my own health?
- You ### - I was doing what, sorry?
You were juggling a brandy and then ###
Now hang on, hang on a minute.
I must say this.
You're juggling the brandy and whipping the reins.
- No. - You can't whip an animal too hard.
It was screaming.
No, it's your fault.
It's you two shy talks in the back there pissing about.
If you're not pissing about, I'm not turning around and
we're still out there delivering presents.
But we're not, we're down here.
We're crashed, we're delivering shit.
Delivering shit.
Right up in the bullocks aren't we.
Help me get him down.
Can we get these going?
What?
No.
What, too cold?
No, too dead.
Come on.
Pile up the elves and make a fire.
But are they elves?
No, there's two separate commands.
Pile up the elves,
then make a fire.
Now wait, rescue.
Crash, bang, wallop up the old bollocks.
You missed an elf.
It's Jonathan,
I couldn't reach him, could you help me get him down?
Have you all got different names of you.
Yeah.
Like the reindeer's?
What does them say?
You don't know my name.
Rudolph.
Rudolph?
No, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
You're gonna be all right.
Almost.
Found him.
Got the fire started.
Whoopsie.
We should open some presents.
- What? - Open some presents
and see if there's something useful in them.
I beg your pardon.
What are we going to do?
Inject him with an Xbox?
Shove a little bit of orange up his ass? Huh?
Huh?
No.
If we find a knife.
Big if.
Very big if.
Then I can cut.
Very big if.
All right.
But I could cut him out of the harness and
make a splint for his leg.
No. Christmas
presents get opened on Christmas day.
The clue is in the question.
I should open all the presents.
We can't open any.
To survive. I'm freezing to death.
I'm also quite chilly.
I'm gonna go for a shit.
Santa.
People look to us for guidance.
I want to help Rudolph.
Good hands.
A stocking?
Yes.
It's tiny.
You can open one present tomorrow.
All right, well I want this.
All right, well does it fit?
- You eating? - What?
- Are you eating? - No.
Do you know what happens if we don't deliver any presents tomorrow?
We get a bollocking?
We cease to exist.
If we don't deliver a single present tomorrow,
we're dust.
Well, I mean, what are we gonna do then?
- What? - What are we gonna do?
Build me a bivouac love.
What?
And perhaps put a lantern outside it.
Please.
Is there room for me in there?
Not like that.
Merry Christmas, Jonathan.
Oh, No.
No.
Ho.
You killed Rudolph.
I put him down.
Murderer.
That, probably.
Why did you put him down?
His little knee was broke.
We could have saved him.
We could have got him home.
We could have made him well.
Why?
You're burning Rudolph.
We have no presents.
No. You opened
all the presents, so we're gonna cease to exist and
no one will ever get presents ever again.
No.
- Yeah. - Oh, contraire.
What's this?
Is that open?
Well, I didn't open one.
No, exactly, so we deliver that don't we?
Well go for a wander after lunch.
It's a hunting area.
Well find some good, deliver him the present,
continue to exist as per. Not a problem.
Well let's go now.
No, not immediately no.
We've got to enjoy Christmas.
I'm trying to save it.
Are you going to lay the table?
What table?
Absolutely divine.
I can't eat it.
You've got that facial expression.
I can't eat.
Lay down.
It's how I look when people eat my friends.
You've got to eat survive.
We had a big lasagna 12 hours ago.
Anthony, it's Christmas.
Relax, enjoy, have a forkful of nose.
I loved Rudolph.
Then have some, man.
There's absolutely.
Aah.
What?
What are you gonna do then?
It's your Christmas too.
What do you want to do?
Drugs, the other board games?
Trivial Pursuit?
Stay with Johnathan.
Brilliant, marry your boyfriend.
Yeah. Yeah.
He is my boyfriend.
Huh?
I'm Gay.
You got a problem with that?
No.
- No? - No.
- You look like you do. - I don't have a problem with it.
Some elves are gay.
My people.
Get used to it.
I am.
I'm going to bury Jonathan.
And hike out of here.
Because you obviously don't give a shit off Christmas ends, but I do.
There is no bigger fan of Christmas than I.
Then fucking act like it.
Pick that log up. Pick the log up.
We'll bury the boy and backer off.
I'm gonna... hop there and windmill into the...
Oh, lovely.
A fitting tribute.
Would you like me to say a few words?
No thank you.
What an elf.
Just a good, basic elf.
All right, stop, please.
Well done.
- It's freezing to death here. - Oh yeah?
- Your coats not cutting it? - No
They're very elegant, but they're not keeping you warm are they?
I love you Jonathan.
Can't get it on quick enough, can you?
Warmer?
Yeah.
What are you going to wear?
Huh?
What are you going to wear?
Are you rich?
The Rudolph.
Santa, come on!
Santa?
Santa, it's a joke.
It's a joke wood cracker.
Santa, what are you doing?
No, no, no do not open that present.
I have a joke from a cracker.
Well go on, then.
No, it means we're going the right way.
There are people here.
Don't open it.
We can find someone to deliver the presents.
It could be a flare.
Of course it's not a flare, it's a football.
Stop spoiling it.
Don't open it.
Do your joke.
Why does Santa kill Rudolph?
Because it's lovely.
I don't even like football.