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Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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ALEX: Starting my own
podcast company has been
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the most exciting,
rewarding, and difficult thing
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I've ever done, but the nice thing is
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I can always come home to
the warm embrace of my family.
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Don't come in here!
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There is no reason to be naked
in the living room, Ben.
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And don't throw last year's
Valentine's Day in my face.
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No, Dad. I-I don't want you to trigger
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my Rube Goldberg contraption.
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Wow. Impressive.
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But, hey, Ben, check out
this guitar pick
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a guy on the subway gave me
for joining his sing-along.
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Joke's on him, though.
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You couldn't pay me not to sing
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"We Are the World."
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I was Cyndi Lauper.
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Thanks, Dad, but I'm over guitar.
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What? Since when?
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I don't remember, but a long time ago.
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Easily a week.
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- What's up, guys?
- Oh, look who it is.
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Is that the beautiful Rooni Schuman
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from the yet-to-be popular
podcast "Gone Guy"?
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Oh, actually, I was at Starbucks
earlier today,
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and the woman behind me
was like, "I know that voice.
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Are you Rooni from 'Gone Guy'?"
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It was so exciting.
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Eh, I'm sure that happens to you
all the time.
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Yeah. All the time.
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[Clears throat]
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Attention, family.
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Soraya, the marble, please.
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I don't know where it is.
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[Sighs] You had one job!
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So, Ben's over guitar now?
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How did I miss that?
Am I working too much?
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No, it's Ben. It's hard to keep up.
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One day he's vegan,
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the next day he's smoking his own jerky.
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You know what this means.
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I'm gonna have to really
up my game for Career Day,
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remind Ben how totally awesome I am.
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Ah, yes, the true meaning of Career Day.
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Found the marble.
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Yeah, well, the momentum's still gone.
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It's fine. I'll make it work.
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[Sighs] Hold onto your butts.
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♪
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Okay, now, what's the best place
to watch this?
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I want to make sure
I'm in the perfect position
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to appreciate the whole thing.
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Wait! Not there!
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Soraya, get the frozen peas.
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Daddy's concussed.
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.MY-SUBS.com
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♪
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Okay, first order of business...
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time to check
the weekly podcast rankings.
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- Oh, God.
- I say we downgrade this ritual
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to once a year
and spare ourselves the agony.
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Every Tuesday, the ratings came out,
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and sometimes it felt like
no one knew our podcast
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was even there.
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But this was the day everything changed.
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Oh, my God. This can't be right.
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Our Family's Business is number one.
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Hundred?
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No. We're number one.
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We're first!
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We're the most downloaded
podcast in the country!
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Look!
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I can't believe this.
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We got discovered
by the show "Shark Tank"!
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They tweeted, "Check out
Our Family's Business.
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Alex Schuman puts it all on the line
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to go after the American dream."
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Yeah, we did!
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We did it! We did it! We did it!
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Okay. Remember what we said.
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Count to two in your head, then release.
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Nailed it.
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N-No, you can't come back for seconds.
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We're so excited, too.
This is the most...
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Hundreds of thousands of people
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had suddenly taken notice
of our podcast,
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and, most important of all,
so had our main investor.
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You guys, Sacca is going crazy
about these numbers.
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He says we have to run with this.
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He says he'll give us
as much money as we need
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to deliver five new shows
by the end of the year.
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Yay! But, wait, how are we gonna
pull off five new podcasts?
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Sacca said he'd send us
all the help we need
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in the form of Serena Bans!
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Oh, my God.
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- Are you kidding me right now?
- No.
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- Serena Bans?
- Yeah.
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The most famous podcast producer
on the planet?
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- Yeah.
- First of all, there's no such thing
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as a famous podcast producer.
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Second, never heard of her.
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Are you serious?
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You've never heard of Incredibilia,
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The VonTrieger Conundrum, Anaesthesia,
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Hosted by Arnaud and Celine Juh?
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- Are you having a stroke?
- Not yet.
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I cannot believe that Serena
and I are gonna be colleagues.
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And dare I say friends.
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Best friends?
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Anything can happen.
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Guys, it's really happening.
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Our dreams are coming true.
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I think we should hug again!
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I don't have time for one of your hugs.
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I agree. Back to work.
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Girl, the last episode
of your podcast was a-mazing.
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Thank you.
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They have been so much fun to make.
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I think about them all day long,
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usually when I'm supposed to be working.
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Hey, Rooni, can I have a word?
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Oh, sure.
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How's the podcast coming?
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Oh, um, yeah, it's okay.
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But I want to reassure you
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that it will not get in the way
of my work here.
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Well, I can reassure you
that it already has.
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Maybe instead of focusing on podcasting,
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you can focus on these.
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Wow, that's a lot of cases.
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I e-mailed them to you, too,
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but I felt like dropping them
on your desk
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was more dramatic.
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Have fun.
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Sure.
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♪
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Huh?
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Oh, my God! I'm so proud of you!
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Thank you. I'm so excited.
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Put your dinner shoes on.
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I'm taking you and the kids
out for steak.
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Kids!
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So, what, he wants five podcasts
by the end of the year?
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That's... That's... Wow!
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It is "wow"
and it's totally overwhelming,
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but he's sending us
this amazing producer
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named Serena Bans.
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She hasn't even started yet,
and she's all over it.
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- [Cellphone dings]
- Probably her texting me now.
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- Yeah.
- [Cellphone chimes]
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And now she's e-mailing me.
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[Telephone rings]
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- We still have a landline?
- [Answer machine beeps]
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Hey, you've reached the Schumans.
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- We still have an answering machine?
- Leave a message.
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I sure hope so. I just bought
a 12-pack of tapes for it.
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- [Beep]
- Listen, babe,
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I'm really glad that you got her
because my boss says
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I have to start focusing more
on my real job,
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which means I can't help out
as much on "Gone Guy."
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Really? Babe, it's going so well.
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I know. I'm sorry.
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What's up, Dad?
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Oh! Hey, guys, wash your little faces.
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We're going out to dinner.
We're celebrating.
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I can't. Emma's moms are out front.
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I'm doing dinner at their place.
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They're making Sloppy Janes.
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Well, that's too bad.
What about you, Ben?
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No, I got to take a rain check, too.
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I'm going over to Greg's place
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and we're editing
my Rube Goldberg video.
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Oh, hey! Make sure you don't
let Greg near any Cheez Whiz
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while you're over there.
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[Both laugh]
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- Right?
- [Chuckles]
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[Laughs]
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No Cheez Whiz for Greg!
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We know how that goes. Classic.
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Yeah. Good one, Mom.
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I got to tell Greg you said that.
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Well, tell Greg I said hi.
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- Who the hell is Greg?
- You know, Greg. Ben's friend.
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If Ben had a friend named Greg,
I think I would know it.
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♪
185
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Guys, this is Serena Bans.
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These are my amazing partners,
Eddie LaGuzza and...
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Deirdre Riordan. Hi.
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Longtime admirer, first time...
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meeting you. Hello.
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I feel like I know you both already.
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I did some light Googling and...
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Oh, God, it was sorority rush,
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and I had no idea that shaving
a goat's privates
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was a misdemeanor.
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I did not get to that page.
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Like I said, welcome.
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Uh, when you Google me,
you may have noticed
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I have a lot of Miata parts for sale.
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00:06:13,086 --> 00:06:15,321
Not sure what your Miata needs
may or may not be,
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00:06:15,446 --> 00:06:17,828
but just know... I'm your guy.
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00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,674
Anyway... Serena, I thought
we'd ease you in today,
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00:06:20,727 --> 00:06:21,929
help you get your bearings.
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00:06:21,992 --> 00:06:23,867
Oh, no easing necessary. Let's dig in.
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Okay, full disclosure...
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I was kind of hoping
we could spend the afternoon
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brainstorming ideas
for my son's Career Day.
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00:06:29,936 --> 00:06:32,737
Every year, I do a bit
of an interactive presentation.
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00:06:32,806 --> 00:06:35,473
The kids all look forward to it.
It's super special.
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Sorry, dude, but maybe
you shouldn't have been
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so damn successful.
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Your investors want five new podcasts,
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00:06:40,213 --> 00:06:42,446
which, based on my experience,
really means 15,
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00:06:42,515 --> 00:06:44,601
which means we should
prepare at least 20,
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which means we got work to do.
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00:06:46,015 --> 00:06:46,947
Yeah.
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00:06:47,050 --> 00:06:48,215
You're right.
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Like I always say, "Screw the kids."
218
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Let's dive in.
219
00:06:52,109 --> 00:06:54,150
She made us work all day,
but on my way home,
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00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:56,278
I came up with
a great idea for Career Day.
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00:06:56,347 --> 00:06:58,282
Ben, your father's done it again.
222
00:06:58,337 --> 00:06:59,970
Just jiggle the handle, Dad.
223
00:07:00,072 --> 00:07:01,071
No, it's not that.
224
00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:02,573
On the train home, it came to me.
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00:07:02,675 --> 00:07:03,507
Eureka!
226
00:07:03,609 --> 00:07:06,043
Career Day: The Podcast.
227
00:07:07,914 --> 00:07:09,113
At Ben's School.
228
00:07:09,215 --> 00:07:10,347
- Dad...
- You guessed it.
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I'm gonna do a live Career Day podcast
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00:07:13,252 --> 00:07:14,885
where I go around and I interview
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all the different kids in your class
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about what they want to be
when they grow up,
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00:07:18,157 --> 00:07:19,523
and everyone's participating.
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00:07:19,625 --> 00:07:20,958
This guy's doing sound effects,
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00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:22,560
and this little girl, you know,
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she's on a banjo or a lute,
and we're jamming.
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00:07:24,697 --> 00:07:27,898
It's like Burning Man
at an elementary school.
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00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,967
Burning Boy. Learning Man.
239
00:07:30,069 --> 00:07:31,135
I'll have something on the day.
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00:07:31,237 --> 00:07:32,870
- Yeah, t-that's really great, Dad.
- Right.
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00:07:32,939 --> 00:07:35,940
But, uh, I already asked Mom
to do Career Day.
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00:07:36,042 --> 00:07:37,641
Mom? Whose Mom?
243
00:07:37,743 --> 00:07:39,743
My mom. Your wife?
244
00:07:39,812 --> 00:07:41,312
Rooni Schuman?
245
00:07:41,414 --> 00:07:42,847
[Muffled] What's up, guys?
246
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,230
Her?
247
00:07:47,382 --> 00:07:49,444
I was afraid my career
was driving a wedge
248
00:07:49,507 --> 00:07:50,812
between Ben and me.
249
00:07:50,874 --> 00:07:52,141
[Slow Western music plays]
250
00:07:52,209 --> 00:07:55,204
And fear makes you see
everyone as the enemy.
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♪
252
00:07:58,766 --> 00:08:02,476
So... I guess congratulations
are in order.
253
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:05,594
I had just naively assumed
that Ben would choose me
254
00:08:05,657 --> 00:08:09,626
for Career Day,
as he has year after year
255
00:08:09,694 --> 00:08:10,863
after precious year.
256
00:08:10,895 --> 00:08:12,662
Yeah, I was kind of surprised
he asked me.
257
00:08:12,731 --> 00:08:14,668
Hey, babe, can you turn
some lights on, please?
258
00:08:14,723 --> 00:08:17,357
He's obviously punishing me
for being so busy with work.
259
00:08:17,459 --> 00:08:19,225
I get it. I'm not a fool.
260
00:08:19,294 --> 00:08:21,461
Or he wanted to learn
more about my career
261
00:08:21,563 --> 00:08:23,196
as a public servant.
262
00:08:23,298 --> 00:08:24,630
No.
263
00:08:24,699 --> 00:08:26,766
Okay, well, I'm really
looking forward to it.
264
00:08:26,835 --> 00:08:29,202
I just wish I was
a little less swamped at work.
265
00:08:29,270 --> 00:08:32,288
- Seriously, could you get a light?
- I want to warn you.
266
00:08:32,313 --> 00:08:33,833
There are certain kids in the class
267
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,544
that can get a little testy
with the parents
268
00:08:35,606 --> 00:08:40,302
who have more "inside the box"
jobs, like lawyer.
269
00:08:40,349 --> 00:08:42,949
You know, it's hard to keep
habeas corpus
270
00:08:43,051 --> 00:08:45,886
from turning into habeas snore-pus.
271
00:08:45,988 --> 00:08:47,354
- Alex.
- Hmm?
272
00:08:47,389 --> 00:08:49,379
If Career Day is that important to you,
273
00:08:49,433 --> 00:08:50,476
you can have it.
274
00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:55,761
Ha! No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
275
00:08:55,831 --> 00:08:57,166
No. I'm too busy.
276
00:08:57,235 --> 00:08:59,284
I just have to mourn the fact
277
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,597
that my son and I are...
are drifting apart.
278
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:02,726
Okay? Let it happen.
279
00:09:02,828 --> 00:09:03,994
Maybe dust off some records
280
00:09:04,019 --> 00:09:05,800
and crank "Cat's in the Cradle."
281
00:09:05,863 --> 00:09:07,128
Aah!
282
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:10,031
It's that golf ball
from his Rube Goldberg machine.
283
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,646
You know what? I'll get the light.
284
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:12,667
Another reminder of a thing
285
00:09:12,736 --> 00:09:15,437
Ben and I don't have in common anymore.
286
00:09:15,539 --> 00:09:17,371
I have an idea!
287
00:09:17,418 --> 00:09:18,951
How do you like these sandwiches?
288
00:09:19,053 --> 00:09:20,953
I got them at
a super-fancy sandwich place
289
00:09:21,022 --> 00:09:22,888
where you're only allowed
to order in Dutch.
290
00:09:22,957 --> 00:09:25,124
You've got the
"vleesliefhebber on plat brood."
291
00:09:25,226 --> 00:09:27,326
Uh, it's fine. It's lunch.
292
00:09:27,584 --> 00:09:28,583
Thanks.
293
00:09:29,597 --> 00:09:31,030
So, Serena, what'd you do last night?
294
00:09:31,065 --> 00:09:32,298
Honestly, last night, I worked
295
00:09:32,366 --> 00:09:33,772
and watched the Rangers game.
296
00:09:33,851 --> 00:09:35,751
You're a Rangers fan? Me too.
297
00:09:35,853 --> 00:09:37,119
How 'bout that hat trick?
298
00:09:37,188 --> 00:09:38,854
I thought Mark Messier
was back out there.
299
00:09:38,956 --> 00:09:41,347
Man, when I was a kid,
Messier was my hero.
300
00:09:41,409 --> 00:09:42,878
Mm. Mine was Janet Reno.
301
00:09:42,987 --> 00:09:44,794
I was bit of a Jan-nut. [Chuckles]
302
00:09:44,862 --> 00:09:47,718
Actually, I took one
of his slap shots right here.
303
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:48,795
Wait.
304
00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:50,742
You got hit by "The Messiah"?
305
00:09:50,812 --> 00:09:51,959
I really did.
306
00:09:52,016 --> 00:09:53,582
I got hit by the messiah, too.
307
00:09:53,684 --> 00:09:54,750
At least that's what that minister
308
00:09:54,819 --> 00:09:55,884
in that revival tent said
309
00:09:55,953 --> 00:09:57,853
before he pushed my face
into the ground.
310
00:09:57,955 --> 00:09:59,621
We have so much in common.
311
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:01,490
I wish I got hit by a puck.
312
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,658
Best thing that ever happened to me
313
00:10:02,726 --> 00:10:04,864
was getting food poisoning
at a hot dog cart.
314
00:10:04,942 --> 00:10:05,874
[Chuckles]
315
00:10:05,951 --> 00:10:06,916
They gave me free dogs for a year.
316
00:10:07,019 --> 00:10:08,485
I only got sick two more times.
317
00:10:08,553 --> 00:10:09,652
[Laughs]
318
00:10:09,721 --> 00:10:11,087
You know what? The hell
with these fancy sandwiches.
319
00:10:11,141 --> 00:10:12,463
Let's go get some dogs.
320
00:10:12,534 --> 00:10:13,690
Oh, you read my mind.
321
00:10:13,759 --> 00:10:15,191
[Sighs]
322
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,724
Okay, yeah, no, cool. I'll just be here!
323
00:10:17,793 --> 00:10:20,127
Ben's golf ball had given me
the perfect idea
324
00:10:20,195 --> 00:10:21,995
for how to rebuild our bond.
325
00:10:22,064 --> 00:10:24,498
Oh, hey, Ben. How are you, pal?
326
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:25,989
I've actually gotten into a little bit
327
00:10:26,052 --> 00:10:28,553
of a Rube Goldberg phase myself.
328
00:10:28,607 --> 00:10:30,874
Can I interest you in a glass of soda?
329
00:10:30,976 --> 00:10:32,845
Wait! Before you answer!
330
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:36,346
♪
331
00:10:36,572 --> 00:10:39,407
Godspeed, little guy. You got this.
332
00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:42,131
♪
333
00:10:42,288 --> 00:10:43,955
Okay, well, imagine
that had gone down the track,
334
00:10:44,026 --> 00:10:46,714
and then it goes over the dominos.
335
00:10:47,072 --> 00:10:49,870
Well, imagine that dropped
the ball in the bucket.
336
00:10:51,858 --> 00:10:53,991
And then string, string, string...
337
00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:55,993
Well, then that triggers the...
338
00:10:56,095 --> 00:10:57,094
these apples.
339
00:10:59,038 --> 00:11:00,804
Well, I needed more apples
to go in the colander,
340
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:01,820
but you get the idea.
341
00:11:01,889 --> 00:11:03,822
And then over at the blower...
342
00:11:03,891 --> 00:11:06,124
- [Clicking]
- Stupid batteries on this thing.
343
00:11:06,193 --> 00:11:08,867
[Whirring]
344
00:11:08,892 --> 00:11:10,946
- [Blower turns off]
- Dad, you don't need to keep doing that.
345
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,961
I'm not really
into Rube Goldberg anymore.
346
00:11:13,029 --> 00:11:15,329
Greg and I are inventing
our own languages now.
347
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,493
So... snap, snap, fizzle, blurp.
348
00:11:19,035 --> 00:11:20,460
Fligglestorp!
349
00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:22,333
♪
350
00:11:24,671 --> 00:11:26,705
Mom's definitely gonna be mad.
351
00:11:26,807 --> 00:11:28,406
♪
352
00:11:28,475 --> 00:11:29,941
At work, I was trying to focus,
353
00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:32,377
but all I could think about
was my crumbling relationship
354
00:11:32,446 --> 00:11:35,003
- with my son.
- Al, get this.
355
00:11:35,282 --> 00:11:37,557
Just talked to Theo from SoundCloud.
356
00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:39,535
They said they'd host
all the new podcasts for free.
357
00:11:39,612 --> 00:11:41,011
We just got to give them a shout-out.
358
00:11:41,098 --> 00:11:42,063
That's great, Ed.
359
00:11:42,121 --> 00:11:44,668
I thought you'd be excited.
I've been working this guy for months.
360
00:11:44,731 --> 00:11:46,731
Why don't you go tell
your new best friend Serena?
361
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,157
And while you're at it, maybe
she wants to see that hat trick
362
00:11:49,188 --> 00:11:50,184
that you apparently know how to do
363
00:11:50,239 --> 00:11:51,371
but have never shown me.
364
00:11:51,462 --> 00:11:52,995
Is it just a top hat that flattens?
365
00:11:53,064 --> 00:11:55,364
Because, if so, yawn. I've seen it.
366
00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:57,099
What are you talking about?
367
00:11:57,168 --> 00:11:59,001
Serena's supposed to be my friend.
368
00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:01,770
We both love podcasts.
We both make podcasts.
369
00:12:01,839 --> 00:12:03,801
What does she even see in you?
370
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,715
You're the only person in this incubator
who still uses a Rolodex.
371
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,877
It's like, what are you, from 19...
372
00:12:08,946 --> 00:12:11,319
whatever year it was
that they used those?
373
00:12:11,344 --> 00:12:12,943
Whoa, this is starting to feel personal.
374
00:12:13,035 --> 00:12:15,602
Excuse me if I like having
someone in the office
375
00:12:15,705 --> 00:12:17,203
who can talk about sports.
376
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:18,447
Between you and Alex,
377
00:12:18,516 --> 00:12:20,616
it's all "Les Mis" and dry shampoo.
378
00:12:20,664 --> 00:12:22,727
Well, not everybody
puts a gallon of hair product in
379
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,207
every morning.
380
00:12:24,355 --> 00:12:26,021
You know, Deirdre,
I don't think you deserve
381
00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:27,389
a place in here any longer.
382
00:12:27,458 --> 00:12:28,791
[Gasps]
383
00:12:28,859 --> 00:12:31,056
Let me just quickly access
your contact info.
384
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:34,997
♪
385
00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:37,216
Okay, I know you're in here somewhere.
386
00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,324
Ah!
387
00:12:41,490 --> 00:12:42,622
Oh!
388
00:12:45,093 --> 00:12:46,793
- [Ringing]
- [Sighs]
389
00:12:46,859 --> 00:12:48,391
- Hello.
- Hey, you're not gonna
390
00:12:48,438 --> 00:12:50,101
believe this, but my boss
is making me go down
391
00:12:50,149 --> 00:12:51,249
to the courthouse now.
392
00:12:51,317 --> 00:12:53,789
I don't know if I'm gonna be
able to make it to Career Day.
393
00:12:53,867 --> 00:12:55,720
Did I also mention
that I hate this place?
394
00:12:55,788 --> 00:12:57,788
Really? That's fantastic!
395
00:12:57,891 --> 00:12:59,891
- Thank you?
- No, I'm sorry, babe,
396
00:12:59,959 --> 00:13:01,694
but this is exactly
the opportunity I need
397
00:13:01,765 --> 00:13:02,894
to fix things with Ben.
398
00:13:02,962 --> 00:13:04,444
I got to do a big gesture.
399
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,984
Honey, I think you're being
a little manic
400
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,352
about this Career Day thing.
401
00:13:07,421 --> 00:13:09,924
You know, I was gonna do
a podcast about his classmates.
402
00:13:10,002 --> 00:13:12,041
Instead, I'm gonna do a Ben-ography.
403
00:13:12,128 --> 00:13:14,151
What? No. That sounds weird.
404
00:13:14,237 --> 00:13:15,469
You know what else sounded weird?
405
00:13:15,572 --> 00:13:16,637
"Coming to America."
406
00:13:16,739 --> 00:13:18,272
And that turned out to be a great movie.
407
00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:19,874
I might still be able to get down there.
408
00:13:19,976 --> 00:13:21,317
Got to go. Byeee!
409
00:13:21,379 --> 00:13:23,044
Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late.
410
00:13:23,146 --> 00:13:24,745
Dad, what are you doing here?
411
00:13:24,814 --> 00:13:27,415
Well, some parents
care more about their career
412
00:13:27,483 --> 00:13:30,218
than their kids, but not this guy.
413
00:13:30,536 --> 00:13:32,002
I'll take it from here. Thank you.
414
00:13:32,096 --> 00:13:34,534
- Hi, kiddies.
- Oh, man.
415
00:13:34,589 --> 00:13:37,924
I'm Alex Schuman, Ben's papa.
416
00:13:37,993 --> 00:13:39,726
All right, kids,
well, as some of you may know,
417
00:13:39,761 --> 00:13:42,161
I've recently made
a very big career change.
418
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:46,065
I used to be in radio,
and now I'm a podcaster.
419
00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:48,496
Does anyone know what a podcast is?
420
00:13:48,597 --> 00:13:49,996
It's radio on the Internet.
421
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,972
My mom listens to them,
and they're totally boring.
422
00:13:53,714 --> 00:13:55,914
Oh, well...
423
00:13:56,021 --> 00:13:57,354
I guess I don't need this card.
424
00:13:59,158 --> 00:14:00,290
Nailed this one, too.
425
00:14:00,359 --> 00:14:04,194
Here we go. And what is
podcasting most like?
426
00:14:04,349 --> 00:14:06,539
Uh... that was you, again.
427
00:14:06,568 --> 00:14:10,170
Anyway, because of that change,
I've had a little less time
428
00:14:10,239 --> 00:14:12,439
to be with the very important
people in my life,
429
00:14:12,508 --> 00:14:15,776
so we are gonna do
a live podcast right here,
430
00:14:15,844 --> 00:14:18,679
and the subject is gonna be
my best friend,
431
00:14:18,781 --> 00:14:20,180
Ben Schuman.
432
00:14:20,282 --> 00:14:22,683
I call it a Ben-ography.
433
00:14:22,785 --> 00:14:24,418
- What?
- Yeah, what?
434
00:14:24,486 --> 00:14:26,253
Can a man...
435
00:14:26,321 --> 00:14:28,789
Excuse me, young man.
I didn't catch your name.
436
00:14:28,891 --> 00:14:30,824
- Greg.
- Oh, Greg!
437
00:14:30,926 --> 00:14:32,292
Dad, what are you doing?
438
00:14:32,361 --> 00:14:33,694
I'm so glad you asked.
439
00:14:33,796 --> 00:14:35,562
On with the Ben-ography.
440
00:14:35,664 --> 00:14:37,931
My relationship
with your favorite madman
441
00:14:38,033 --> 00:14:40,770
began 12 years ago
when he came into my life
442
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:44,805
naked and afraid as a bouncing baby boy.
443
00:14:44,907 --> 00:14:47,674
[Laughter]
444
00:14:47,776 --> 00:14:49,376
Dad, I'm naked in that!
445
00:14:49,478 --> 00:14:50,844
Everybody has a tushy, Ben.
446
00:14:50,929 --> 00:14:53,145
- Even Mr. Durham.
- Mm-hmm.
447
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,415
But, fine, if it makes you
uncomfortable,
448
00:14:55,517 --> 00:14:56,883
I'll skip to my next thing.
449
00:14:56,985 --> 00:14:59,386
Here's Ben starring
in his first-grade production
450
00:14:59,488 --> 00:15:00,620
of "Little Orphan Annie."
451
00:15:00,723 --> 00:15:01,788
Now, I know what you're thinking.
452
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:03,890
Dad, this is humiliating.
I'm out of here.
453
00:15:03,992 --> 00:15:06,088
Wait! Ben! Wha...
454
00:15:06,152 --> 00:15:09,518
Ben, where are you going? Ben?!
455
00:15:11,323 --> 00:15:13,056
Dude, what did you do in there?
456
00:15:13,091 --> 00:15:14,857
Never seen kids
more excited to listen to
457
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,894
a presentation on a career
in Orthodontics.
458
00:15:18,306 --> 00:15:20,806
In retrospect, bringing
a nude photo of a minor
459
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:22,672
into a classroom was probably a misstep.
460
00:15:22,744 --> 00:15:25,011
It's definitely different
than what I had planned.
461
00:15:25,088 --> 00:15:27,154
I was gonna have them ask me
what the truth was,
462
00:15:27,190 --> 00:15:30,224
and then I was scream at them,
"You can't handle the truth!"
463
00:15:30,293 --> 00:15:31,726
Kind of looking forward to that
for weeks.
464
00:15:31,794 --> 00:15:32,994
Yeah, they would have loved that.
465
00:15:34,664 --> 00:15:36,531
You know what I've been thinking about?
466
00:15:36,599 --> 00:15:38,495
When I saw those crazy numbers
467
00:15:38,557 --> 00:15:40,909
and Sacca called to offer us more money,
468
00:15:40,964 --> 00:15:45,367
I mean, that was beyond
my wildest expectations.
469
00:15:45,436 --> 00:15:48,236
But now that it's actually happened,
470
00:15:48,305 --> 00:15:50,105
I kind of wish it hadn't.
471
00:15:50,207 --> 00:15:53,308
- Mo' money, mo' problems.
- True dat.
472
00:15:53,646 --> 00:15:57,014
I mean, my life is so crazy right now.
473
00:15:57,083 --> 00:15:59,050
Everyone's arguing at work.
474
00:15:59,152 --> 00:16:01,339
I just publicly humiliated Ben.
475
00:16:01,409 --> 00:16:03,542
The only time I ever see you
is when you're picking me up
476
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:06,530
off the ground,
either emotionally or literally.
477
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:10,000
Well, on the bright side,
you do fall a lot,
478
00:16:10,068 --> 00:16:12,435
both emotionally and literally.
479
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,666
What if I were to tell Sacca
480
00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:16,673
that we're not ready to expand yet?
481
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,441
Would you think I was a coward?
482
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:22,012
For choosing your family
and friends over your career?
483
00:16:22,486 --> 00:16:24,019
I'd say that's pretty brave.
484
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,973
- [Door opens]
- [Kids chanting] Dr. Gibbs!
485
00:16:29,042 --> 00:16:31,227
Dr. Gibbs! Dr. Gibbs!
486
00:16:31,297 --> 00:16:33,177
Whoa, what a rush!
487
00:16:33,213 --> 00:16:35,713
Those kids were re-ceptive!
488
00:16:36,103 --> 00:16:37,703
Time for an encore.
489
00:16:37,774 --> 00:16:40,788
- Dr. Gibbs!
- You thought I was done?!
490
00:16:40,881 --> 00:16:42,834
Think again, ya little bastards!
491
00:16:42,913 --> 00:16:46,241
- Dr. Gibbs!
- He's so passionate about teeth.
492
00:16:46,717 --> 00:16:48,617
Hey, can I talk to you?
493
00:16:48,686 --> 00:16:50,686
Really? It's happening.
494
00:16:50,754 --> 00:16:52,888
What is the deal with these guys?
495
00:16:52,990 --> 00:16:54,089
What? What guys?
496
00:16:54,158 --> 00:16:55,123
Alex and Eddie.
497
00:16:55,192 --> 00:16:57,064
Alex is never here, and Eddie...
498
00:16:57,126 --> 00:16:58,275
I mean, is that guy serious
499
00:16:58,345 --> 00:17:00,333
with his Rolodex and his pinky ring?
500
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,395
Yeah, he claims that ring
has special powers.
501
00:17:02,457 --> 00:17:03,689
I guess I can give Alex a pass
502
00:17:03,758 --> 00:17:04,723
because he's obviously talented,
503
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:06,725
but Eddie's not a podcast person.
504
00:17:06,794 --> 00:17:08,527
I'm just not sure that I want
to let some guy's cousin
505
00:17:08,596 --> 00:17:10,405
jeopardize the prime of my career.
506
00:17:10,483 --> 00:17:12,319
Plus, I have no need for Miata parts.
507
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,065
Nobody does. That's the problem.
508
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,399
Look, I get it.
509
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,835
I used to think that Eddie was
a lunkhead gumming up the works,
510
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,537
but he's really good at his job.
511
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,138
Plus, he teaches me old-timey sayings
512
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,940
like "lunkhead"
and "gumming up the works."
513
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:25,409
He's 1/3 of this company.
We couldn't do it without him.
514
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:27,812
And I wouldn't want to. He's my friend.
515
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:29,960
Well, your friend is not qualified.
516
00:17:29,991 --> 00:17:32,421
I'm sorry, but he's got to go.
517
00:17:32,445 --> 00:17:35,179
Well, maybe you're unqualified
and you got to go.
518
00:17:35,242 --> 00:17:36,241
Excuse me?
519
00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:37,773
If you can't recognize the value
520
00:17:37,828 --> 00:17:39,445
that Eddie brings to this company,
521
00:17:39,507 --> 00:17:42,078
then that makes me think that
you're not good at your job.
522
00:17:42,141 --> 00:17:43,840
Maybe you need to take
the prime of your career
523
00:17:43,909 --> 00:17:46,009
and blow it out your French horn!
524
00:17:46,078 --> 00:17:48,289
I'm sorry. Are you... firing me?
525
00:17:48,344 --> 00:17:49,998
- I am!
- Can you do that?
526
00:17:50,053 --> 00:17:51,612
I'm not sure!
527
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,914
She can if another partner
agrees with her.
528
00:17:54,016 --> 00:17:55,716
Wow. Okay.
529
00:17:55,781 --> 00:17:58,848
Well, ultimately, it's up to Alex,
I'm sorry to say.
530
00:17:58,907 --> 00:18:01,108
Oh, good. You guys are all here.
531
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:02,711
Serena, I am so sorry,
532
00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:05,317
but I don't think I'm gonna take
Chris Sacca's money.
533
00:18:05,411 --> 00:18:07,878
I just don't think we're ready
to expand that fast.
534
00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:09,546
Is that okay with you guys?
535
00:18:09,648 --> 00:18:10,781
Very okay.
536
00:18:10,883 --> 00:18:12,950
Uh, does a goat quiver
when you shave its privates?
537
00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:15,085
Sorry, Serena.
538
00:18:15,110 --> 00:18:16,067
It's fine.
539
00:18:16,113 --> 00:18:18,191
Honestly, I'll have another job
in like two minutes.
540
00:18:18,269 --> 00:18:21,425
[Dialing, ringing]
541
00:18:21,527 --> 00:18:23,260
Good job. We did it.
542
00:18:23,362 --> 00:18:24,862
Back to idle.
543
00:18:26,376 --> 00:18:27,575
When I got home that night,
544
00:18:27,644 --> 00:18:28,977
Soraya said she was taking us out
545
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,087
to celebrate my "job thing."
546
00:18:31,134 --> 00:18:33,040
Plus I still had to make things
right with Ben.
547
00:18:33,097 --> 00:18:35,532
Mom. Soraya.
548
00:18:35,751 --> 00:18:38,366
Person who showed my whole class
my butt cheeks.
549
00:18:38,407 --> 00:18:40,140
You weren't naked in every picture, Ben.
550
00:18:40,209 --> 00:18:42,075
In some, you were wearing
your Little Orphan Annie dress.
551
00:18:42,182 --> 00:18:45,244
Mm. You're right.
I should be apologizing to you.
552
00:18:45,269 --> 00:18:47,068
Guys, I'm very excited you
wanted to go to dinner tonight,
553
00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:49,137
but unfortunately, there's
nothing really to celebrate.
554
00:18:49,206 --> 00:18:50,939
I decided it isn't worth
having a big company
555
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,741
if you all feel neglected.
556
00:18:52,809 --> 00:18:54,709
Ben didn't even invite me
to his Career Day this year.
557
00:18:54,778 --> 00:18:56,244
Wait, that's why you had a meltdown
558
00:18:56,313 --> 00:18:57,679
in front of my whole class?
559
00:18:57,748 --> 00:18:59,781
Dad, I don't feel neglected at all.
560
00:18:59,850 --> 00:19:02,053
The only reason I didn't
invite you to Career Day
561
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,179
was because I didn't want
to make you feel like
562
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:07,012
you had to go when you had
so much else going on.
563
00:19:07,114 --> 00:19:08,780
Really?
564
00:19:08,849 --> 00:19:10,782
But, bud, I will always
have time for you.
565
00:19:10,851 --> 00:19:12,450
But didn't you also invite me
566
00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:14,807
because you were a little bit
interested in my career?
567
00:19:14,886 --> 00:19:16,573
- No.
- Okay.
568
00:19:16,612 --> 00:19:17,954
Look, Mom, your job's cool,
569
00:19:18,009 --> 00:19:20,309
but Dad's is amazing.
570
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:23,159
He's building something
that's all his own.
571
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,095
That's what I want to do, too.
572
00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:28,898
Me too. That's why Emma and I
opened a lemonade stand.
573
00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:31,902
Sweetie, you started your own business?
574
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:33,169
Oh, we didn't order those.
575
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:34,471
She did.
576
00:19:34,539 --> 00:19:37,501
It's okay, Dad. Business is booming.
577
00:19:38,555 --> 00:19:41,322
Well, don't worry.
I brought my earnings, too.
578
00:19:41,746 --> 00:19:44,077
- Good.
- What do you think, Al?
579
00:19:44,158 --> 00:19:46,053
Think the kids might be ready
for you to go for it.
580
00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:47,944
- Come on, Dad.
- You could be huge!
581
00:19:48,482 --> 00:19:51,100
Well... there's really only one way
582
00:19:51,147 --> 00:19:52,646
I'd be able to do it.
583
00:19:52,804 --> 00:19:55,637
♪
584
00:19:55,723 --> 00:19:56,872
What?
585
00:19:58,699 --> 00:19:59,742
What?
586
00:19:59,844 --> 00:20:04,080
♪
587
00:20:04,182 --> 00:20:05,881
Good morning, you two.
588
00:20:05,917 --> 00:20:07,606
What's all this stuff? A garage sale?
589
00:20:07,652 --> 00:20:08,751
How much for the ladder?
590
00:20:08,853 --> 00:20:10,052
I've been having second thoughts
591
00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:12,755
about my second thoughts
about expanding the business.
592
00:20:12,857 --> 00:20:14,457
I mean, we've worked so hard,
593
00:20:14,559 --> 00:20:16,926
and our goal was always to expand.
594
00:20:17,028 --> 00:20:18,360
Maybe we should give it a try.
595
00:20:18,463 --> 00:20:19,595
You know me, I'm all for it,
596
00:20:19,697 --> 00:20:21,581
but Serena was Sacca's choice.
597
00:20:21,652 --> 00:20:22,785
He's not gonna give us the money
598
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,633
unless we get someone else
he trusts in here
599
00:20:24,735 --> 00:20:26,168
and someone we trust.
600
00:20:26,270 --> 00:20:27,870
Not sure if that person exists.
601
00:20:27,939 --> 00:20:29,705
But, Eddie, what if she does?
602
00:20:29,807 --> 00:20:31,707
May I draw your attention to my balls?
603
00:20:31,809 --> 00:20:35,344
[Modern English's
"I Melt With You" plays]
604
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,923
- ♪ I'll stop the world and melt with you ♪
- Ta-da!
605
00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:49,772
For the record, I just wanted
to walk through the door.
606
00:20:49,819 --> 00:20:51,264
You guys, it worked!
607
00:20:51,319 --> 00:20:53,062
- ♪ You've seen the difference ♪
- Why do you sound so surprised?
608
00:20:53,164 --> 00:20:54,396
- ♪ And it's getting better all the time ♪
- Way to go, Dad.
609
00:20:54,499 --> 00:20:55,898
Wait a second. You're gonna
come work with us?
610
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,266
If you'll have me.
611
00:20:57,368 --> 00:20:59,768
Really? Oh, my gosh!
612
00:20:59,837 --> 00:21:02,438
We are gonna become
best friends! [Squeals]
613
00:21:02,540 --> 00:21:03,539
- Boop!
- Ooh.
614
00:21:03,579 --> 00:21:05,225
Wow. You just booped me.
615
00:21:05,250 --> 00:21:06,285
Yeah, we'll talk about that later.
616
00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:07,386
- ♪ The future's open wide ♪
- Okay.
617
00:21:07,411 --> 00:21:09,636
Isn't this exciting? She quit her job!
618
00:21:09,661 --> 00:21:10,629
[Indistinct chatter]
619
00:21:10,654 --> 00:21:13,176
Like I said, starting
your own company is hard,
620
00:21:13,310 --> 00:21:16,178
but the best part is
that you create a new family.
621
00:21:16,301 --> 00:21:18,119
The problem is,
sometimes you have to choose
622
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:19,877
one family over the other.
623
00:21:20,299 --> 00:21:21,838
Not anymore.
624
00:21:21,899 --> 00:21:25,000
♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you ♪
625
00:21:25,025 --> 00:21:30,025
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www.MY-SUBS.com